Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Paul & Carolyn Rayne
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000227
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00:28 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn and welcome again to
00:30 Issues and Answers. We're going to be talking today 00:34 about how to have a happy home in an unhappy world. 00:38 Let me share this Scripture from Ephesians 4:32. 00:41 I'll be reading from the Amplified [Version]. 00:43 It says: "Become useful and helpful and kind to one" 00:47 "another, tender hearted, compassionate, understanding," 00:51 "and loving hearted, forgiving one another readily and freely," 00:55 "as God in Christ forgave you." Our special guests today 01:00 are Carolyn and Paul Rayne, and you are from Eureka, Montana, 01:06 -with Restoration International. - That's right, thank you 01:08 - for having us back again. - It's a joy. Please tell us 01:11 a little bit about the ministry that you are 01:13 - the general manager for. - Restoration International is a 01:17 small family ministry based up there in the northwest corner 01:20 of Montana, USA, we travel all over the world, particularly 01:25 around the US, giving church seminars and family 01:28 camp meetings. Some of the things we'll be sharing today 01:32 have first been shared at family camp meetings, 01:35 that's where we run from Wednesday evening through 01:38 to Sunday morning, just sharing the practical, everyday 01:44 "how tos" of living a useful, Christ centered life. 01:49 We have all walks of life come there, Christians, 01:52 non-Christians, the Bible is open and the Bible is spoken 01:58 of, but really what we're talking about is the practical 02:01 "how tos" of living happy, useful homes; especially as it 02:05 applies in the marriage, and as we'll be talking today, 02:08 in the family. 02:10 I just want to take this moment to tell our 02:13 audience that if you would like to find out more about their 02:16 family camp meeting, I've got a wonderful 02:19 little DVD in my hand and it'll give a lot of testimonies 02:22 how much the children enjoy this experience, and the parents 02:25 as well, and you can go to their website at: 02:28 "www.restoration-interational. org", or you can call 02:36 toll free 888-446-88-44, let me repeat that: 02:43 888-446-88-44. So today we're going to be 02:47 talking about how to have a happy home in an unhappy world. 02:54 I know that you mentioned earlier that it's the atmosphere 02:58 in which we live, we want to create a better atmosphere 03:02 in our homes, so what do you mean by atmosphere? 03:08 We like to share, practically speaking, and we would 03:13 class ourselves as earnest parents. I know there's very 03:16 many different kinds of parents, some parents are just casual, 03:19 some are very intense, some are laid back. 03:23 Certainly we're not laid back, and we found our self becoming 03:26 more and more intense in our parenting: "Don't do this", 03:30 "You must do that", and we realized that the joy 03:35 of the Christian home was disappearing under a mass 03:38 of dos and don'ts. It dawned on us, 03:46 it came suddenly, but we were praying for a long time, 03:49 "Lord, there is something missing in our family," 03:52 "what is is?" Many people looking in from 03:55 the outside would think that we had a family with our 03:58 2 young children that had it made, but we knew behind 04:02 closed doors that it was a lot of chastisement 04:07 of the children, a lot of coaxing them in the right 04:09 direction, a lot of the firmer measures, and we realized 04:16 something must be missing. Finally it dawned on us 04:19 what was missing was what we now call "sunshine". 04:23 When we started thinking about sunshine, we mean by that: 04:27 happiness, cheerfulness, kindness, contentment, 04:31 all those things that you just associate with a sunny day. 04:37 Then we began to realize that the atmosphere in our home, 04:40 and I know because of the many people that we've spoken to, 04:44 the atmosphere in many homes is more cloudy. 04:50 Do you want to explain what I mean by cloudy? 04:53 Just the life going on, negative discussions, or negative 05:01 attitudes, but no cheerfulness, no happiness, no joy, 05:04 just life "blah" kind of happening. 05:07 - Just like a cloudy day. - Yeah. 05:10 Then I imagine there's some very stormy homes out there too. 05:13 - Yes. - Well, we began to realize 05:16 how much home atmosphere paralleled the atmosphere 05:19 of the heavens out there, and we're all very familiar with 05:22 talking about the weather, but how much do we look at 05:24 the atmosphere that actually happens in our homes 05:27 on an everyday basis? We began to see the parallels 05:30 - between those 2. - Yeah, because you have 05:33 a cloudy day and it's really not a bad day, 05:35 but it's not a good day, it's just a cloudy day. 05:38 And that can be the same in the home, it wasn't a bad day. 05:41 it wasn't a good day, it was just one of those "blah" days. 05:44 But then if you get lots of clouds, you end up with 05:46 a storm in the atmosphere, but also in the home. 05:51 We have had that, where the clouds get thicker and thicker 05:55 and the Son, and now you know which Son I'm talking about, 05:59 the Son of God, the Son gets blocked out by all those 06:02 selfish clouds, and the clouds get thicker, and then there 06:05 starts to be clashing of clouds, thunder and sparks, 06:11 and loud noises. This is very typical, 06:15 even in Christian homes. When we go to church, of course, 06:20 you know, "Happy Sabbath", "Good to see you", 06:22 and everything's nice, but what we're trying to focus on 06:27 in our issues and answers together is what goes on 06:30 behind closed doors, the atmosphere at home. 06:34 Of course, if you have a storm, most often of you get rain 06:38 with that as well. We have had it, 06:41 we have had the rain of tears coming down our cheeks, 06:45 or maybe down the cheeks of our children if we've spoken 06:48 harshly to them, and we think "I really shouldn't have" 06:52 "said that", and I might see my little daughter with a tear 06:55 in the corner of her eye, and that was a real wake-up call 06:57 for me, we need, by God's grace, to have sunshine 07:01 at home, not all these clouds, not all these storms. 07:05 I like the analogies that you're using, but let's go a little bit 07:10 further, you've described some of the atmospheres, 07:13 what do you mean when you talk about sunshiny home, 07:16 give us some practical examples of what a sunshiny home 07:20 is all about. 07:22 A sunshiny home is really not complicated to understand 07:27 theoretically or intellectually, and it might seem nothing 07:33 in comparison, but when it's experienced in the home 07:36 it's a whole different atmosphere, what we mean 07:40 by sunshine is just kindness, that's "Aww, we all know" 07:46 "about kindness, let's move on", but we could spend hours 07:50 just talking about the practical "how tos" of kindness, 07:55 or being considerate, one to another, 07:59 being tender hearted, like we read in Ephesians when we 08:03 - started. - ...Or courtesy. 08:05 -Courtesy, just common courtesy. -Speaking in a courteous way, 08:09 we'd do it to a stranger, but do we do it in our own homes? 08:12 I was just getting ready to say that often people are much 08:15 more kind, courteous, and patient with strangers 08:18 than they are with those they love the most, and are living 08:21 with at home. 08:22 We let our guard down at home too easily. 08:27 There's almost a formal politeness "Hello, how are you?" 08:31 "Good to see you, haven't seen you for a while", 08:34 that's fine, that's real life, but then to turn round 08:38 to the children: "children, would you please be quiet!" 08:44 If we can have enough of the Lord to be pleasant to people 08:47 that we see once a week, or once a month, then surely 08:51 for those very people that share the same roof with us, 08:54 the same home, we should be seeking the Lord for a kinder, 09:00 more considerate way of having interrelations in the home. 09:04 How are some ways, give us some examples of a sunshiny home. 09:09 Even before I do that, I want to encourage our viewers 09:12 that we don't share this because we live in wall to wall sunshine 09:15 24/7, we're talking about the reality of our home, 09:20 that's why we came to this realization, because of 09:23 our own need. No, sunshine doesn't shine 09:26 24/7 in our home, though by God's grace we know it can. 09:30 We're striving for it too, but we are very aware of our need 09:33 and we begin to realize that if we feel this, we know 09:36 that our viewers do too, and that's why we want to share it. 09:39 Some of the practical are just things like, for example, 09:42 my husband goes down to the ASI convention once a year 09:46 and when he's gone for that week, sometimes that it may 09:48 take there and back and be there, he likes to leave 09:52 some of his sunshine behind. One particular time, 09:55 I'll never forget it, I didn't know if he'd left notes, 09:58 or cards, or what he'd done, but on this occasion 10:00 he'd taken a pencil, just a regular lead pencil, 10:03 and he'd gone around in my kitchen, and everything 10:06 that was white plastic had a heart drawn on it in pencil. 10:09 The microwave, the toaster, the kettle, the dishwasher, 10:13 the blender, and I kept finding these hearts wherever I went 10:16 in my kitchen. What did that do for me? 10:19 It brought up my spirits, put a smile on my face every time, 10:22 and you know, I left them there for at least 6 months, 10:25 I didn't erase them it was so precious; and when the children 10:28 would see it what message did it give to us: 10:31 "Daddy loves us, daddy's thinking of us", 10:33 it was just something that simple, costs no money 10:37 whatsoever, just a little bit of time, or maybe it's things 10:40 like, something that we really enjoy doing together 10:43 as a family is canning together. Just a couple of years ago 10:45 we brought like 250 pounds of apples and we canned 10:48 apple sauce. It would have killed me 10:51 to do it on my own, and never could I have done it with 10:54 just the children, but we did it as a family, together, 10:57 it bought joy into the family. Yes, it was hard work, 10:59 but we're still eating that apple sauce right now. 11:03 It was just a fun thing to do together. 11:05 I remember another occasion, what we're trying to share 11:08 is just simple, practical things. Don't do just the exact 11:12 same thing we do, we're just trying to stimulate the thoughts 11:16 that we can come outside of our little box of normal life 11:19 and think of those in our household. 11:23 One time I was coming out of my office, which is in 11:26 the basement of our home, and my children were outside 11:29 playing in the snow. As I shared, we live in 11:31 the northwest corner of Montana, and winter can see the snow 11:36 long and thick, so you have to make something fun 11:39 out of all that fluffy stuff. So what we did was, 11:44 the snow was about 2 or 3 feet thick down one bank 11:47 on our property, and I took the time to get the snow shovel out 11:52 and make some shoots down the steeper parts. 11:56 They were quite high, so the snow was 2 feet high on 12:01 the sides of these shoots, and when we got the sled 12:05 and I took my children and I pushed them down that thing, 12:08 we actually made a little jump at the bottom. 12:10 Now, it took me time, I have a desk that is always 12:15 piled with things to do, but if I just spend all my life 12:21 trying to clear my desk, then by the time I'm 60, 12:24 if the Lord hasn't come, my children will be married 12:26 and gone, and I will never really have known them or had 12:29 the opportunity to bring some sunshine into their life. 12:33 So it's only a miracle, I can tell you, because it's not 12:35 natural, but as I went outside I thought, I can spend 12:38 an hour with the children, so we made these snow shoots, 12:41 we went down them, we made the jump, we made the jump bigger 12:44 and they were flying through the air, then they wanted me 12:47 to get the video camera on them and it was a time 12:50 that we still talk about to this day: "Shall we do" 12:53 "the snow shoots again this year?" 12:55 But it binds their little hearts to ours, and it brings 12:58 sunshine, just simple sunshine, into the home. 13:02 Or it might be as simple as lying on the rug 13:05 with your little boy pushing trucks around, or playing 13:08 Legos, something that brings sunshine to each other, 13:11 but to them as well. And it might only be 5 minutes 13:14 here and 10 minutes there, but what it creates when you're 13:17 consistent with it, is the cheerful, contented, and happy 13:20 atmosphere of the home, and that's what our burden was, 13:23 we realized that often we're thinking about prophecy, 13:28 things that are going to happen in the future, to the neglect 13:31 - of the present. - That's very good. 13:33 We're never going to be part of the future unless we 13:36 concentrate on creating the present to meet the future. 13:39 Amen. So why do you think that 13:43 so many homes lack this sunshine? 13:48 What's the root cause? 13:50 It's the same old problem that plagues us everywhere 13:53 we go, it's that selfish old man, the carnal nature, 13:58 it's just not natural, at least not for this father and this 14:02 mother to say: "Oh, I've got a hundred things to do," 14:04 "but never mind, I'm just going to kick back and play" 14:07 "with the children." Maybe some will find 14:10 that natural, but for me it's just not natural, 14:13 so it's that old carnal man, he stops us being cheerful, 14:17 he stops us being helpful, and what happens is we tend 14:22 to get focused on me and my agenda: "I've got this to do..." 14:29 and "Children, if only you understood." 14:32 Well, I think it's us that needs to understand a little more 14:35 of what goes in. For anything that we do in life 14:39 it takes effort, if somebody wants to get a business 14:41 off the ground, it's known by everybody, he's going 14:45 to have to put in a couple of years of really going 14:48 at it to get that off the ground. 14:50 Well, what about a Christian home? 14:52 If we really want our Christian family to fly and to be 14:56 a shining light, then we have got to seek the Lord 14:59 to give us the grace to bring that into the family 15:03 in a tangible way, it won't just happen. 15:05 One thing that I appreciate about both of you, 15:09 both Carolyn and Paul, is that you are very practical 15:13 and you like to put things into practical terms, 15:16 so what are some practical "how tos" for families 15:19 who are watching now, that say: "this makes sense," 15:21 "and we want a little more sunshine in our life." 15:25 Taking the time as a family to consider the subject 15:28 of the atmosphere in the home, you know, as we've said, 15:31 as Christian we think about what is coming before us 15:35 in this world, but do we really think what's going to happen 15:38 today in our home? And we began to be 15:40 very sensitive to that, so I would encourage our viewers: 15:43 spend time as a family, sit down together as a family 15:46 and talk about what is it like in our home? 15:49 Do we like what it's like? And if we don't, what steps 15:53 are all of us going to take together to start to change 15:56 that? That was something that was 15:58 really practical in our home, so we'd like to encourage that. 16:04 We do that fairly regularly, we sit down as a family, 16:06 we call it family board meetings, all businesses 16:09 and schools, they have a board, and I sit on several boards 16:13 and I thought: "How come we're organizing everything else" 16:17 "and we're not organizing our own family?" 16:20 So I instituted family board meetings, I'm the chairman, 16:23 my 9 year old daughter is seeking for that position, 16:27 but I told her she'll never have it, she can be the secretary 16:31 maybe, but she's not going to be the chairman. 16:34 One evening we were talking about family atmosphere 16:37 and what we found was happening was we all liked the idea 16:42 and we all did it occasionally, but the experience 16:45 was escaping us on a regular basis, so Carolyn asked 16:49 the question: "what can we do to help remind us?" 16:53 And then we came up with this idea of a box, 16:55 it was a heart shaped box and every time somebody did 16:59 something loving in the family, maybe one of the children 17:04 did something for the parents, or whatever, 17:07 they would put a heart shaped foam in the box. 17:11 Well, as we were thinking about that, now we're in our 17:13 family board meeting trying to figure out a name 17:16 for this box, we can't just call it "the box". 17:19 So we're thinking of "the sunshine box", 17:21 or "the heart box", "the love box", and all of a sudden, 17:26 he was 6 at the time, our 6 year old son says: 17:29 "Daddy! Let's call it 'the sunshine love box' ". 17:34 "That's it, that's what we'll call it". So now it sits in 17:37 our home, sits on the coffee table, the convenience table, 17:42 and as soon as we instituted this, we have little children 17:46 remember, and we've shared this at some of our family camp 17:50 meetings, we've had mothers come back to us and say: 17:52 "I had teenagers", and teenagers themselves, "enjoy such a" 17:57 "simple thing." What happens is every time 18:00 we do something kind we put it in the box, 18:02 and when the box is full we do something very special 18:05 as a family that we wouldn't normally do. 18:08 Maybe we'll go on a canoe trip together, or take a special 18:13 trip out that's outside of the normal routine. 18:17 And soon after we implemented this love box, 18:19 I was knelt down in our living area next to the wood stove 18:25 and I was praying there, I was not actually praying out 18:28 loud, I was just praying in my mind, and I became very 18:32 aware that somebody is stood right by me, isn't that 18:34 amazing how you know somebody is there even though 18:37 your eyes are closed and at a convenient point in the prayer 18:40 I opened my eyes, looked up, and there was my son, 18:44 my 6 year old son at the time. He had the biggest smile 18:47 on his face, I said "Caleb, tell me about it", 18:50 he's just bursting to say something. 18:53 He said: "Can I put a love in the box?" 18:56 And I said: "Why?" He says: "You know you showed" 19:00 "me how to make my bed, well I made my bed," 19:02 "and then I was coming out of my bedroom", which is right 19:05 opposite his sister's bedroom, "and I looked in her room" 19:08 "and she hadn't done her bed, so I went in and did it." 19:11 And I thought "Oh, bless his heart", he was so excited 19:15 that he had done something kind for his sister. 19:18 Because he knew, he understood, what we were meaning 19:21 about this atmosphere, and how each one of us 19:24 with the little things that we do could affect a change 19:27 in that atmosphere, and he understood it, 19:30 - even at 6 years old. - That's precious, and it is 19:33 little things that make a difference, isn't it? 19:35 - It really is. - Often times we think 19:38 as men, and I'm sure there's a lot of men, when they think 19:41 "Do something kind for the wife", it's got to be flowers, 19:44 but I have often times just sat at my desk, and maybe 19:47 I'm on the phone and I've just got a pair of scissors 19:50 and a sticky note and I'm just cutting out a heart, 19:54 or to tell you the honest truth, sometimes I haven't 19:56 even got scissors to hand, so I kind of fold the paper 19:59 in half and tear out a heart, and then when I'm off 20:02 the phone I'll just go and I'll stick it on her shoulder 20:05 or stick it in the kitchen, or whatever, 20:08 just to let her know: "Sweetie, I'm thinking of you." 20:12 And it's so small that I'm sure some of our viewers 20:16 will be tempted to think: "Ahh, you don't know our home," 20:20 "that's never going to change our home", well, try it. 20:24 I challenge you, try it and see, and you'll be amazed 20:27 because life is made up of those little things, and all of 20:31 a sudden you'll find somebody who wouldn't talk to you, 20:34 or somebody who always gave you a hard time, 20:37 the Bible calls it "heaping coals on the head", 20:41 all of sudden you'll find them responding in a sweeter way, 20:44 but even if they don't, don't do it for that reason, 20:47 do it for the Lord. 20:49 Amen. You know, I still have 20:52 a drawer full of things that my husband has done like that, 20:55 just little notes that I just can't part with 20:58 that he would leave when he was going out of town, 21:00 stick them under my pillow, or on a pillow, or something. 21:03 I had one quite embarrassing moment, I guess it was; 21:06 I was sharing a room with the Vice President of our 21:09 conference and we were at ASI together and I pulled out 21:12 my shirt out of my bag that my wife had packed for me 21:16 and I didn't know, but out with the shirt came all these 21:20 foam loves, all over the floor, all over the place 21:25 and I held it up and I said to my friend: 21:27 "Well, I guess my wife and family are thinking of me." 21:31 And he found them for the rest of that week because they 21:33 were tucked in every little corner that we could put them, 21:36 and you know, the beauty is, as you engage, 21:39 and I really want to encourage our viewers, this is not 21:42 just what you have the children do, this is what you 21:45 participate in with your children. 21:48 If you say: "Children, this is your love box and you go" 21:51 "ahead and fill it", it'll never get off the ground, 21:53 you've got to be there with them, involved in it. 21:56 So I said to the children "what shall we do for daddy's" 21:59 "suitcase?" And they then get 22:02 the enthusiasm, they rush off to get the little hearts, 22:05 and they're making little pictures, and one time 22:07 Caleb put one of his soft toys in there in daddy's suitcase, 22:10 and all kinds of things daddy went with. 22:13 But you know, the children are engaged, and they're 22:15 involved, and that's what makes the difference. 22:18 Parents, we can't just give this package to our children 22:21 and say: "Go ahead, do it", because it won't happen. 22:24 They want our involvement, when we're involved 22:26 and they're involved, we're encouraging each other along. 22:30 Then you suddenly find yourself with the kind of atmosphere 22:33 - that you've been longing for. - So this heart shaped 22:35 love box, what you're doing then is you're putting little 22:38 heart shaped foams in it, and once it's filled, 22:41 that's for every act of kindness... 22:43 ...Or it can be whatever it is that you're centering on 22:46 that you see is the need that you have as a family. 22:49 It can be kindness, or maybe it's picking up after 22:52 each other, or maybe it's speaking words of courtesy 22:54 and love, or maybe it's forgiveness, whatever need 22:57 is the Lord brings because we can't just keep it 23:00 - on 1 thing. - We keep it fairly general, 23:03 but you know, when you buy gas sometimes you get double points, 23:06 I say to the children because Carolyn and I have been talking 23:08 and there's a weakness, there's a bit of bickering 23:11 going on between the children, we say "double when you're kind" 23:15 "to each other children, double points gets that thing" 23:19 - "filling up." - "Double points this week". 23:21 So once it's filled up then you're going to do something 23:24 as a family that's special. Let me as you, because something 23:27 tells me that there could be someone out who is watching 23:30 us right now, and maybe you're saying: "Oh please, give me" 23:34 "a break, I can't see that my family would be so sweet" 23:39 "all of the time", and they may be saying to them self 23:43 "Can't you overdo this? Can there be too much" 23:46 "sunshine in a family?" 23:48 There can, there really can. Just going back to 23:52 the atmosphere, what happens if you get too much sun? 23:56 You get burned, and that's not good, or you get heat stroke. 24:02 It may seem strange that we can have too much sun, 24:05 but we can have too much sun, and we can have too much, 24:08 well it's not really kindness because kindness can 24:11 bleed over into an indulgence, a wrong kind of indulgence. 24:20 I don't want to leave our viewers thinking 24:23 "Oh, okay, so I've kind of been hard on them," 24:25 "now I've got to be kind on them", and then they start 24:28 doing things that are obviously wrong that you don't want 24:31 them to grow up with those traits of character, 24:33 so you say: "Well, never mind, I'm on the kindness" 24:37 "routine now." No, we need to mix that 24:40 kindness and that courtesy, we need to mix it with firmness. 24:45 The 2 have to stand side by side. 24:50 If you are just all hardness and instruction: 24:54 "Do this!", that's one extreme, and if it's all love 24:57 and the children can never do a thing wrong, 25:00 to me that's the other extreme. The secret of success 25:04 is to have both of those things there, and I'm starting 25:08 to think along the lines of extreme parenting. 25:10 We've got to be extremely loving to our children, 25:14 give them every ounce of encouragement, 25:16 but we have to tow the line as well, and they have to know 25:20 that there are those boundaries and they don't move. 25:24 Well, it's just as our heavenly Father deals with us. 25:27 He is the ultimate of love because He is love, 25:30 but we know that when we push on those boundaries 25:32 we will reap natural consequences when we go 25:35 out of His will. So it's bringing that into our 25:38 homes with the atmosphere there. 25:40 Just a word to parents, don't take the softer virtues, 25:45 as I would call them, to such an extreme that they knock out 25:47 the firmer virtues because we've seen that happen in families 25:50 as well, and the children grow up actually disliking 25:54 the parents because they never called them to account 25:57 - in some of those areas. - So why don't you take 25:59 just the moment that we have left and look into our camera 26:02 and tell those at home, just summarize what sunshine 26:05 in the home is all about. 26:08 Well, as we shared with you, sunshine in the home 26:10 came as a result of us realizing it wasn't there. 26:15 If you find your home as a home where harsh words are used 26:20 frequently, where the children are more treated as 26:23 an inconvenience, then I challenge you. 26:26 The first thing I would challenge you is to go to your 26:28 knees and say: "Oh Lord, please help me", because it's natural, 26:33 that's just how we are this far down the line in the human race, 26:38 we are terribly selfish. We need to go to God, 26:41 ask Him for a new heart, and then by His grace, 26:45 and we haven't really shared that in this interview, 26:47 but it's only by His grace this will happen. 26:50 Don't try it in your own strength, if you know what 26:53 I mean by that; seek the Lord 26:56 and then put some effort and some time into your children, 27:00 into your young people, into your wife. 27:03 Ask the Lord to give you natural opportunities. 27:06 This is something very practical you can do: ask the Lord 27:09 to give you natural opportunities in the day, 27:12 ask Him to remind you and I guarantee, if you're willing 27:15 to do that, the Lord will give you opportunity, 27:18 and you will have sunshine at home. 27:21 Amen. 27:22 Well Paul, thank you so much for all that you've 27:25 brought to the program today, and Carolyn, 27:28 we are so glad that we have had the Raynes with us today, 27:31 except that we've been talking about sunshine. 27:34 Thank you all so much for the ministry that you're doing, 27:37 we certainly appreciate it. For those of you at home, 27:39 remember that Jesus Christ said: "I am the light" 27:42 "of the world and he who follows after Me" 27:45 "will never walk in darkness, but will have the light" 27:47 "of life." Let God put some sunshine 27:50 in your home today. Thank you for joining us. |
Revised 2014-12-17