Hi, I'm Shelley Quinn,
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and welcome again
to Issues and Answers.
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You know, the Bible
says in Proverbs 3:5-6:
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Trust in the Lord
with all your heart,
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and lean not on
your own understanding.
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In all your
ways acknowledge him,
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and he will direct your paths.
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Well, today we're going to
see how we can take that advice
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and actually apply it to
very, very difficult situation.
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And that is for any parent
who is going through a divorce
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and they have children who
are suffering the consequences.
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We have back with us
again, a returned guest.
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And that's Dr. Richard D'Avanzo.
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Well, thank you. Dr. Richard,
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so glad you're
back here. Thank you.
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Now, you are a
Christian psychologist.
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And councilor,
you're a professor
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at the Florida
Christian University.
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Right. In..
Florida, in where? Orlando.
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Orlando, Florida and
you've written a book
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by the title of
"When the Vow Breaks."
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And finding hope, healing
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and forgiveness,
when the marriage ends.
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We're gonna be
talking about something that
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you've gone
through personally. Yeah.
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You were 61 yrs old,
when your wife of 35 years
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came to you and
said what? It's all over.
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It's all over? Yeah.
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And your children
were grown at that time.
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Yes, they were 18 and
then the rest of them,
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three of them were in
their 20's and one was 18.
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Now, for those who
haven't heard you before,
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you have a biological son
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and three adopted
children. Correct.
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Even though they were
grown, how did this affect them?
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Well, they were
refugee children,
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one from Vietnam
and two from Cambodia.
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And you know, they
had lost their parents
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and now that the grief was
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that they were
losing a second time.
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They were
losing the family unit,
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but you don't have to
be a refugee child, do you?
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No, no, no, any child is going
to really feel the pain in that.
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And different children
express it different ways,
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sometimes you never
know until many years later.
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So, today I'm happy
we're gonna be talking about
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some of those things that can
reduce the effects of divorce.
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Amen, amen. Now, when a child,
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particularly in the
younger years it seems,
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how does this affect a child,
when they go through a divorce.
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What are some of
the negative effects
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that children can have
from the divorce procedure?
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Well, you know
when they're very young,
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you know perhaps
younger than before their teens.
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They probably will think
that they caused the divorce.
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You know, it's very frequent
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that they will think
that they did something
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that caused mommy
and daddy to separate.
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And that guilt is, it
just weighs heavily upon them.
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And when they get into
their teens and beyond,
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they sort of, well they know
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what parent had the
bigger part to play in that.
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And they
sometimes suffer from that
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in different ways
and some go and into
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early drinking and drugs and sex
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and negative life
behaviors to bury the pain.
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Children who are
going through a divorce,
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no matter what their age,
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they are at risk for emotional
problems, behavioral problems.
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And what we're going
to be focusing on today
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is how to decrease the
risk for children who are going
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through a divorce and
immediately afterward.
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Now, in your book, I've
got some points written out
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that I thought we
just, I'll just talk about
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what you said let
you expand on it. Okay.
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In the book you said
that it's critically important
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to set aside time
each day for God, why?
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Well, you know, a
parent going through
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this kind of
situation is awesome,
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it's painful and they're so
wrapped up in their own emotion,
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in their trauma of the divorce
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that sometimes they
can't even think straight.
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And they sometimes even forget
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that the children
are going through a lot.
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And so we need an abundant
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amount of
strength beyond ourselves
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and so by focusing upon
our relationship with God,
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seeking God to carry
me through this divorce
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and my children is
going to be very vital.
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And that means,
I've got to spend time
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on my knees before God,
more than once every day.
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Because I've to
ask and know that God's
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gonna give me that
kind of strength and wisdom.
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And the guidance. Yes.
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Leading you, that's good.
He will guide, He will council.
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That's good. He's a
wonderful councilor.
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Yes, He is.
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Okay, the second point you
made was spend time in intimate
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bonding with your
children day, daily.
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Yes. Excuse me.
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You know that's so important
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and that's
spending time, quality time.
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You know, you want
to take some time out.
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I just say, you
had three children,
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you know it's good to
spend time as a family,
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all three children,
but it's very important
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as frequent as possible,
to take one child and say
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come on Johnny, let's you and
I go out and get an ice-cream.
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And you bond together with him
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or another child likes the
bike ride, let's go out biking.
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You know, you got to
spend intimate one on one,
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eyeball to eyeball
time with that child.
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Because that child
needs to feel that security,
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that well my other parent
left and are you gonna leave?
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Right. And you said no,
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I'm here, I'll
never forsake you.
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Because that's what
you're hearing from the Lord,
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because you're
bonding with the Lord.
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And you're hearing the
Lord say I'll never forsake you,
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and you can pass it on. Amen.
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Because we're gonna
be carried through this.
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Now, you know it
seems to me the parent
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who has custody this
would be easy but how does,
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what does the parent
who does not have custody
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how do you
maintain that daily contact?
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Well, it can't be daily other
than maybe by phone, right.
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And we're gonna
discuss some of those points.
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Oh, good. Little later. Okay.
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Because that is
the vital. All right.
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Now, your third point,
learn to enjoy your children
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give them a lots of
attention, affirmation
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and physical
reassurance and hugs.
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Yeah, you know some children
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need more than others,
but all children need it.
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And that needs physical touch,
hugs, affirmation, I love you.
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You know, sometimes we're so
rot with so many emotional pains
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that we only can see everything
through negative glasses.
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And so we see what
they're doing wrong
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or they're not doing right.
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No, that's why we need
the strength of the Lord.
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Amen. Lord you come
in me with your love
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and let me flow to my
children and enjoy my children.
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In other words do things laugh
together, have fun together.
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Okay, good doctor I don't
want to throw you furlough,
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but let me ask
you this question.
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What about those
children who are resentful
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because of the
divorce and they're mad
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and they're angry at the,
say the mother has the custody
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and they're angry,
they're blaming her?
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How does a mother reach out
to that child to embrace them,
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if they don't want that physical
contact, what would you do then?
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Well, you know
you have to realize
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that the child is
probably striking out at the
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custodial parent because they're
more convenient to do it.
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But and then hard
parts he doesn't really
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or she doesn't really mean that.
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You know, at the
whole issue of separation,
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the unity of the family,
every child wants that unity.
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And some let make a
known more than others
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and some acting bad behavior,
or some acting bad behaviors,
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some acting and
you know, he's older,
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very quiet about it,
you don't hear a thing.
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But all of them are
affected and so only by love,
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the love that God gives to us,
can we penetrate through that.
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We have to learn,
I'll mention it again later
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because it's so important.
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Don't major in the minors, okay.
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In other words, major in
the majors the real big things,
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the important
things, just because
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or maybe he didn't
do this little thing.
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Don't worry about it; don't
make a big thing out of it.
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Because everything become like,
and minors could become majors.
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Would it be wise council
if a parent is experiencing
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that rejection
from their children,
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the custodial parent is
experiencing that rejection.
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Would it be wise council to say
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don't take their
acting out personally?
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Yes, don't take it seriously,
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just don't major in
it, let's put it that way.
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Okay. You know,
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go on and try to find
alternative things of,
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what they like to do, come on,
the child likes to go hiking.
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Come on you and I are going,
oh! I don't want to go hiking,
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oh! I don't want.
Well, we're gonna go hiking,
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once they get out
there, they're gonna enjoy it.
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And you keep doing,
you may have to work at it.
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The child has been wounded
very badly and he has not...
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or she has
nothing to do with that
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didn't cause it or anything.
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Now, if they're young,
they sometimes think they did,
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so you have to reassure them.
When, the time is appropriate.
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Boy, no wonder a parent
needs to spend so much time
00:10:09.17\00:10:11.33
on their knees
before the Lord. Yes, yes.
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Okay, you make another point.
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Set reasonable
limits and boundaries,
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because it helps
your children feel secure.
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Yes, yes. You know sometimes
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we feel so guilty
because you know we've,
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the families all their and
we let them do everything or if
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and you're non
custodian, you're bringing
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all kinds of gifts and promises
or we're gonna go to Disney
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and we're gonna do
this and we're gonna.
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You can't keep half of
those promises, not good.
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So, you got to be
bonding to those kids
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in positive ways
and fulfill your word.
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And when you say set reasonable
limits and boundaries,
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how about on their acting out,
how much of that do you accept?
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You have to set a
limit, okay I mention you,
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and you don't
have the minors okay.
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But they are certain limits;
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children will test
those limits more than ever.
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Every child does,
but more than ever,
00:11:03.54\00:11:05.82
because he wants to
know or she wants to know.
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You know, is mom
still in control here.
00:11:08.20\00:11:11.14
Because as nothing worse
than the child being control.
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Amen. See and soon or later
00:11:14.95\00:11:17.34
as we talk about later
and as we've talked about
00:11:17.35\00:11:19.68
the point number
one is that mom is
00:11:19.69\00:11:22.27
letting that child
knows that God is in control.
00:11:22.69\00:11:25.36
Because God is love
and I'm gonna love you.
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Amen. Well,
regardless of how you act.
00:11:28.52\00:11:30.62
I see, you know
I don't, I don't.
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You did something
wrong here, this is not right
00:11:36.12\00:11:38.19
but I still love you. Amen.
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And I have start to reprimand
you and give you a hug.
00:11:39.81\00:11:41.93
Now, you got to have
the grace of God behind you,
00:11:43.31\00:11:45.04
because you're all depleted,
00:11:45.30\00:11:46.54
you're emotional,
you drained yourself.
00:11:46.55\00:11:49.22
You need the strength of God,
but God will give it to you.
00:11:49.98\00:11:53.48
He promises, yes.
That is Corinthians 12:9:
00:11:53.77\00:11:56.18
"That His grace is
sufficient, that His
00:11:56.19\00:11:58.03
power is made
perfect in your weakness."
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Okay, a fifth point is to offer
brief prayers at meal times
00:12:00.92\00:12:05.91
and bed time
allowing God to be a constant
00:12:05.92\00:12:08.13
gentle reassuring
presence in their lives.
00:12:08.14\00:12:10.73
Yes, yes. It's very important
00:12:10.74\00:12:12.70
but don't make these long
winded prayers and everything,
00:12:12.98\00:12:15.97
make it short and make
it sweet, make it simple.
00:12:15.98\00:12:19.14
But make sure that you know
00:12:19.91\00:12:23.55
depending upon
the age of the child;
00:12:23.56\00:12:25.08
you want to be
sure of that you somehow
00:12:25.62\00:12:28.15
begin to foster the idea
that maybe they might pray too.
00:12:28.45\00:12:31.49
See and so, you make it
so sweet and short that,
00:12:32.70\00:12:37.35
oh! Johnny you could
do that now you know,
00:12:38.18\00:12:40.09
wouldn't that be wonderful
God, God will be so pleased
00:12:40.33\00:12:43.12
and I think you like that.
00:12:43.70\00:12:45.28
So, you look
for the right timing
00:12:46.10\00:12:47.49
and in the beginning
it may not be that way,
00:12:48.17\00:12:49.89
but at least the child knows
that you're connected to God
00:12:50.35\00:12:53.91
and God is security.
00:12:54.74\00:12:56.14
And you gain security,
00:12:57.31\00:12:58.35
so if mom is gaining security
from God, maybe I can too.
00:12:58.68\00:13:03.20
Okay, you say to pray
for the other parent too,
00:13:04.44\00:13:07.31
it is vital for
your children's healing
00:13:07.32\00:13:09.84
that your children
know especially by example
00:13:10.23\00:13:12.15
how important God is to you?
00:13:12.16\00:13:13.71
They need to witness you
trust in God to carry you on
00:13:14.12\00:13:17.21
and then through this
different, difficult time.
00:13:17.22\00:13:19.68
Yes, yes, especially the parent,
that's the non custodial parent.
00:13:19.69\00:13:24.16
You know, that parent will
always be that child's parent,
00:13:24.99\00:13:28.55
he can never
divorce that parent.
00:13:28.56\00:13:31.06
And so, that child has a
bond to that other person
00:13:31.59\00:13:35.26
and so they're
just hurt terribly
00:13:36.42\00:13:39.72
when if the mom
is the custodial,
00:13:39.73\00:13:42.11
she has bitterness
and she says bad things
00:13:42.62\00:13:46.11
you know
criticizes and so forth.
00:13:46.35\00:13:48.42
But if she prays you
know, help dad to find that job
00:13:48.71\00:13:55.46
or to overcome this problem
of addiction or whatever,
00:13:55.47\00:14:00.09
because God loves
him and we love him.
00:14:00.41\00:14:02.19
That sounds good....
Boy, I tell you that heal
00:14:05.01\00:14:06.74
a child and that
child loves to hear that
00:14:06.75\00:14:09.12
and maybe shock to
hear in the beginning.
00:14:09.57\00:14:10.88
Because in the very beginning,
you may not have done that.
00:14:11.20\00:14:13.19
You know, but you
can start anytime.
00:14:13.98\00:14:15.92
What a witness to your
children? The sooner the better.
00:14:16.38\00:14:17.99
Yes. You say show your children
00:14:18.00\00:14:21.05
by example that we need
to treat everyone lovingly
00:14:21.06\00:14:24.96
and kindly no matter
how they treat us in return.
00:14:24.97\00:14:28.57
Yes and of course
starting with parent
00:14:28.58\00:14:31.80
that's left is a fantastic
way to start, because you start.
00:14:31.81\00:14:36.76
See the children,
you can preach them,
00:14:37.07\00:14:38.94
will you got to
nice to everyone,
00:14:38.95\00:14:40.04
people won't hurt
you and all of that.
00:14:40.05\00:14:41.21
But I want to
see it in you, mom.
00:14:41.49\00:14:42.60
Right. I want
to see in you, dad.
00:14:43.51\00:14:45.01
And so the
custodial father or mother
00:14:46.30\00:14:49.00
regardless of
which one is which,
00:14:49.01\00:14:50.75
non custodial or custodial,
this goes for both. Amen.
00:14:50.76\00:14:55.42
Another point you made
is resolve your hostilities
00:14:57.04\00:15:00.21
and resentments
toward your former spouse.
00:15:00.22\00:15:02.60
You know, if you
miss last program
00:15:03.01\00:15:04.48
we talked about forgiveness and
what it is and what it isn't.
00:15:04.49\00:15:08.71
The bottom-line
is it's a choice;
00:15:09.05\00:15:10.93
it's not
negotiable for Christians.
00:15:10.94\00:15:12.77
Yes. We've got to forgive,
00:15:12.78\00:15:14.19
but this is so critical, this
resolution of your hostilities
00:15:14.71\00:15:19.43
and forgiveness is a step
really that you must go through
00:15:19.92\00:15:24.48
to be able to do anything
that we're talking about today.
00:15:24.49\00:15:27.37
Yes. That has to be
there and just to reiterate
00:15:27.64\00:15:30.21
what we said last time
you won't feel like forgiving.
00:15:30.22\00:15:32.68
Right. Okay, so
this is something
00:15:32.85\00:15:35.01
that you're gonna do,
because God wants me to do it,
00:15:35.27\00:15:36.98
because God loves me
with an everlasting love
00:15:37.19\00:15:39.45
and He wants the
best for us. Right.
00:15:40.05\00:15:42.55
See and that's what
opens the flood gates for God
00:15:43.08\00:15:46.08
to pour his goodness and
the strength because you know,
00:15:46.09\00:15:48.82
my weakness is
strength comes in.
00:15:48.83\00:15:52.48
And you know, it
occurs to me as we're talking
00:15:53.22\00:15:56.68
that if a parent is say let she
is the mother in this example.
00:15:56.69\00:16:01.34
If the mother is
the custodial parent
00:16:01.35\00:16:03.09
and she is able to
forgive the father,
00:16:03.87\00:16:05.98
then she is going
to help facilitate
00:16:06.85\00:16:09.31
forgiveness for her
children for their father.
00:16:09.32\00:16:11.40
And then you know,
we discussed last time
00:16:11.99\00:16:14.80
that when we have bitterness
or unforgiveness in our heart
00:16:14.81\00:16:18.24
that it will get into a route
of bitterness and resentment
00:16:18.25\00:16:22.40
and that just blocks off
the flow of God's life in us.
00:16:22.79\00:16:25.60
So, by the parent
making this step to forgive,
00:16:26.07\00:16:30.17
then really you're
opening the way for
00:16:30.62\00:16:33.22
the flood gate of God's love to
just bathe your child as well.
00:16:33.62\00:16:37.06
Right and this is a process,
it doesn't happen in one time,
00:16:37.07\00:16:40.31
it's a process
you keep on working
00:16:40.78\00:16:42.81
toward it and
you will get better.
00:16:42.82\00:16:44.14
Enjoy your
children; love your children,
00:16:44.54\00:16:47.19
no matter what they
do, what they don't do.
00:16:47.93\00:16:49.79
I'm gonna standby, I
never will leave you.
00:16:49.80\00:16:52.12
Amen, amen.
Okay, maintain as much
00:16:52.13\00:16:56.08
of the pre-divorce
family routine as you can.
00:16:56.09\00:16:59.22
Yes, you know I mean if you're
having dinner at a certain time.
00:16:59.23\00:17:02.14
If you're doing a certain
chores at a certain time,
00:17:02.22\00:17:05.22
you're doing certain activities,
00:17:05.23\00:17:07.19
try to keep that as normal
especially in the beginning.
00:17:07.20\00:17:10.03
Because there's
enough disruption
00:17:10.65\00:17:12.42
without the other parent there
00:17:12.43\00:17:14.38
and so you just keep
some of the same thing,
00:17:14.97\00:17:17.12
it keeps the
family a little stable
00:17:17.13\00:17:19.15
or more stable,
much more stable.
00:17:19.82\00:17:21.27
So, that's important keep this,
try to keep the same routines,
00:17:21.88\00:17:25.84
and also by the same
time, you want to begin to
00:17:26.23\00:17:28.69
develop some new
traditions. And that's good.
00:17:28.70\00:17:32.08
Yeah, see some new things,
so that the family continues
00:17:32.55\00:17:36.49
to grow and God will
bless you and help you.
00:17:36.50\00:17:39.99
That's good; if possible
continue the primary residence
00:17:40.66\00:17:45.02
for at least the short term like
the reminder of the school year.
00:17:45.03\00:17:47.99
Yes, yes. You know,
lots of times you're
00:17:48.00\00:17:50.21
so emotionally rot,
what he did was just
00:17:50.22\00:17:55.10
female and she, what he
did, we're up and out of here,
00:17:55.82\00:17:58.27
we're getting out of
here, we're not staying around.
00:17:58.28\00:18:00.71
You know, you know you may feel
00:18:01.14\00:18:03.08
that emotion and
that's understandable,
00:18:03.09\00:18:04.86
but don't go with it.
00:18:06.60\00:18:07.66
Because that hurts the
child, he's got enough,
00:18:08.77\00:18:11.28
she's got enough
disruption already,
00:18:11.29\00:18:13.40
that mommy or daddy
isn't around anymore.
00:18:14.53\00:18:16.48
Stay there let him
finish the school year;
00:18:19.03\00:18:21.32
try to keep everything
as stable as possible.
00:18:21.60\00:18:24.07
Okay, now what if the
child is, say in college,
00:18:24.88\00:18:28.25
what if the child is
married already themselves,
00:18:28.26\00:18:31.42
how does that affect them?
00:18:31.74\00:18:32.81
Well, it's not as
important obviously,
00:18:33.01\00:18:35.21
you know I'm thinking
more of the younger child
00:18:35.43\00:18:38.21
who is in school up to
12th grade or living at home.
00:18:38.22\00:18:41.48
Okay. Try to maintain
00:18:41.49\00:18:44.60
the extras of life such
as sports and music lessons.
00:18:44.61\00:18:48.11
Yeah, that goes along with this,
00:18:48.12\00:18:50.39
what we just said
keep the same routine,
00:18:50.40\00:18:52.76
keep as little disruption
as possible in the family.
00:18:55.26\00:18:58.32
And you know,
sometimes it's hard,
00:18:59.38\00:19:01.75
I mean you know
funds aren't there
00:19:01.76\00:19:03.65
and so we maybe
can't do music lessons
00:19:04.04\00:19:06.27
and maybe the
child is very talented.
00:19:06.99\00:19:09.25
You maybe able to
work something out with
00:19:09.80\00:19:11.74
a music teacher
and say look you know,
00:19:12.87\00:19:15.19
I'll take care of your
kids in exchange for you
00:19:15.20\00:19:18.91
giving Mary some music lessons.
00:19:18.92\00:19:22.15
You know there are ways that
you can barter those things,
00:19:22.59\00:19:24.89
but try to keep them going.
And if you happen to be the
00:19:24.90\00:19:27.50
non-custodial parent,
who's supplying the funds,
00:19:27.51\00:19:30.06
dig into your
pocket a little deeper,
00:19:30.82\00:19:32.43
those kids
deserves it. That's good.
00:19:33.61\00:19:35.83
Okay, you also
mentioned in your book
00:19:36.75\00:19:38.59
and we're
speaking about the book
00:19:39.14\00:19:40.37
"When the Vow
Breaks" visitations to the
00:19:40.38\00:19:44.00
non-custodial
parent are important.
00:19:44.01\00:19:46.39
The more the contact the
child has with both parents,
00:19:46.40\00:19:49.01
the lower the negative
risks of divorce upon the child.
00:19:49.38\00:19:52.33
Yes, that is very
vital, you see many times
00:19:52.34\00:19:56.02
you know mom is
sitting there and she said,
00:19:56.64\00:19:58.49
he'll never see
you again, you know,
00:20:00.89\00:20:02.51
I mean that's the
way she feels, you know.
00:20:02.52\00:20:04.33
You know... but you don't
hurt him, you hurt that child.
00:20:05.24\00:20:10.69
That child needs more
contact, and the more contact
00:20:11.56\00:20:14.99
that child has with the
other non-custodial parent.
00:20:15.00\00:20:18.30
The less likely they're going to
have in getting into early sex,
00:20:19.33\00:20:23.49
early drugs, early alcohol
and addictions of various kinds.
00:20:23.50\00:20:26.88
Poor academic success,
00:20:28.20\00:20:31.40
all the things
that couple in there.
00:20:32.45\00:20:34.18
So, by you doing these
things, you lower that risk.
00:20:34.39\00:20:38.01
I see, and of
course if that child
00:20:38.69\00:20:41.62
or if that parent
was abusive in any way,
00:20:41.92\00:20:44.91
and they were... Well,
that's a different story,
00:20:44.92\00:20:46.27
yes, if they're harm;
00:20:46.28\00:20:48.06
your first obligation
is to protect that child.
00:20:48.42\00:20:50.39
I mean there' no
question about that
00:20:51.71\00:20:53.31
but in most situations
it's more emotional trauma
00:20:53.32\00:20:58.96
that you're dealing with
and bitterness and so forth
00:20:58.97\00:21:01.22
and that's why
forgiveness is so important.
00:21:01.23\00:21:02.93
Amen. Right, you also point out,
00:21:03.16\00:21:05.65
if you're the one
making child support payments,
00:21:05.66\00:21:07.99
make them willingly and on time,
00:21:08.00\00:21:10.04
failure to do so communicates
to your child you don't care.
00:21:10.49\00:21:13.89
That child knows, you
know, that child knows
00:21:14.79\00:21:17.77
that if you're not
making those payments on time.
00:21:17.78\00:21:19.92
And you know, and I
would say this to mom,
00:21:21.06\00:21:22.87
you know, in
this type of scenario.
00:21:23.16\00:21:25.17
Well, don't go out
and say, well, you know
00:21:25.47\00:21:28.11
when you go see
dad make sure that he,
00:21:28.12\00:21:29.91
tell him that we
haven't had our payment
00:21:30.32\00:21:31.59
and we need it to pay
our rent and we need this.
00:21:31.60\00:21:33.31
Don't involve the child;
keep the child out of it.
00:21:33.86\00:21:37.22
That's why you need this,
some bit of reconciliation,
00:21:38.12\00:21:42.04
a peaceful working relationship,
00:21:42.05\00:21:43.58
and this must be
worked on as soon as possible.
00:21:43.59\00:21:45.66
So, that you can
talk back and forth
00:21:46.33\00:21:47.89
for the benefit
of your children.
00:21:47.90\00:21:49.46
And it takes to, so
this is what we've got to do.
00:21:50.40\00:21:53.08
It's not advisable you say to
date during the first two years
00:21:55.48\00:21:59.50
following the
divorce, it's too threatening,
00:21:59.51\00:22:01.59
the children have
already lost one parent,
00:22:01.60\00:22:03.40
now will they lose
you? Yeah, yeah this is it,
00:22:03.41\00:22:06.13
you know the child
is there, and he sees
00:22:06.39\00:22:09.19
this new person coming
into the way, to the scene.
00:22:10.37\00:22:13.68
And now you're getting very
infatuated and interested in.
00:22:14.13\00:22:16.79
I'm losing contact with mom now,
00:22:17.35\00:22:19.45
am I going to lose her,
what's gonna happen to me?
00:22:20.24\00:22:22.60
See and you're also
gonna be very careful.
00:22:23.42\00:22:25.21
Moms, I'm telling you this,
now, when that guy comes in
00:22:25.97\00:22:30.03
and then he starts
wanting to date you,
00:22:30.04\00:22:32.04
he's gonna date your children.
00:22:32.44\00:22:33.63
Okay, he's gonna smooch them,
and he's gonna be nice them,
00:22:34.47\00:22:38.44
bring little
gifts and everything.
00:22:38.45\00:22:39.52
Because he knows that's
the way he's gonna get to you.
00:22:39.75\00:22:41.43
And that's true, so you
have to be very careful.
00:22:42.26\00:22:45.60
Look, it's gonna
take a couple of a years
00:22:46.81\00:22:48.59
to nurture the
bonding that's necessary
00:22:49.65\00:22:53.66
to help your kids
heal. And help you heal.
00:22:54.17\00:22:56.71
Yes, but you have to heal,
00:22:56.72\00:22:58.57
and then he'll
help them heal, you see.
00:22:58.58\00:23:01.29
So, that's very
important for those kids. Amen.
00:23:02.10\00:23:05.48
And they have to know
that... that mom is there.
00:23:05.49\00:23:08.52
Now, when you start dating,
don't bring that person home.
00:23:09.28\00:23:12.12
You know, don't bring him home,
00:23:14.51\00:23:15.50
you know, and don't let
them be known to those children
00:23:15.51\00:23:18.85
unless you have come
enough contact with that person
00:23:18.86\00:23:21.53
that you feel that this person
maybe next, your next husband.
00:23:21.54\00:23:26.02
That's the time
to bring him home,
00:23:27.10\00:23:28.71
because if you bring him home
too early and it falls apart,
00:23:29.12\00:23:31.27
then they all... and they bond
to that that particular fellow.
00:23:31.28\00:23:34.07
Then they lost another
person and it's not good,
00:23:34.14\00:23:37.15
it's not good and very careful.
00:23:37.54\00:23:38.92
Look at moms,
let me tell you moms,
00:23:39.25\00:23:41.35
your first
priority are your children.
00:23:43.13\00:23:44.95
Number one, let God
fills the loneliness,
00:23:45.94\00:23:49.63
that God fill the
emptiness, your needs.
00:23:49.64\00:23:52.36
But your first
requirement is your children.
00:23:52.68\00:23:55.06
You can speak
right to our audience.
00:23:55.49\00:23:57.13
Yes, I tell you
that, I really mean it,
00:23:57.14\00:23:59.02
you have to focus
your mind on your children,
00:23:59.44\00:24:05.28
because who else is going to?
00:24:06.10\00:24:07.32
The T.V., the peer groups.
00:24:09.27\00:24:11.97
No, no, you have to
do it and it's with love,
00:24:12.54\00:24:16.84
by the love God in you to
pass it on to your children.
00:24:17.27\00:24:21.01
Bond come together, enjoy them
00:24:21.47\00:24:24.05
and have fun,
do things together.
00:24:24.06\00:24:25.72
Find ways to do things, if money
is short, find ways to do it.
00:24:26.71\00:24:29.56
And...and you're
going to the park,
00:24:30.56\00:24:32.23
you're going
swimming, going whatever.
00:24:32.24\00:24:33.95
You know, it
occurs to me, Richard,
00:24:35.33\00:24:37.97
the one thing that I
teach, I always tell people
00:24:37.98\00:24:40.76
the most important decision that
you'll ever make in your life,
00:24:40.77\00:24:43.26
is to accept
Christ as your Savior
00:24:43.76\00:24:45.42
but the second
most important decision
00:24:45.43\00:24:47.35
you'll ever make in
your life is who you marry.
00:24:47.36\00:24:49.47
Yes. And I can see, you know,
00:24:49.62\00:24:52.48
I praise the Lord, I'd never
been through, yeah, a divorce.
00:24:52.86\00:24:56.35
I can see that there's so much
00:24:58.01\00:25:00.92
that people
who've not been through,
00:25:00.93\00:25:02.79
particularly
someone with the child,
00:25:02.80\00:25:04.45
if you've not been
through this, you have no idea
00:25:04.79\00:25:08.01
the pain and the trauma, yes,
00:25:08.02\00:25:09.70
and that great reliance
you must have up on the Lord.
00:25:09.71\00:25:12.70
But you've written this
book, When the Vow Breaks,
00:25:13.13\00:25:15.39
by Richard D'Avanzo
available at the ABC book store,
00:25:15.40\00:25:18.85
released by Pacific Press.
00:25:19.60\00:25:21.97
And I know that all of
that of what you've learned,
00:25:22.44\00:25:24.97
or what you're teaching here,
you learn through experience.
00:25:25.29\00:25:28.44
Yes, yes, and
then through counseling
00:25:28.45\00:25:30.62
and giving
divorce care seminars,
00:25:30.63\00:25:32.20
I've come into
hundreds of people.
00:25:32.21\00:25:34.08
And one thing I'd like
to pass on for those people
00:25:35.17\00:25:37.78
out there who are not divorced
yet, with children especially.
00:25:37.79\00:25:42.82
Let me tell you,
the research is showing
00:25:43.55\00:25:46.71
that your children would better
off in a dysfunctional family,
00:25:47.47\00:25:51.15
than in a divorced family.
00:25:52.19\00:25:54.18
So, the old story of staying
together for the kid sake
00:25:55.29\00:25:59.16
is really better.
The research would begin
00:25:59.17\00:26:01.79
to substantially
that, but you know,
00:26:01.80\00:26:03.79
twenty years ago,
and fifteen years ago,
00:26:03.80\00:26:05.63
and ten years ago and
they weren't saying that.
00:26:05.64\00:26:07.31
But now this research is
showing that it's better off.
00:26:07.70\00:26:10.24
And not only that for the
children but for yourself.
00:26:10.65\00:26:13.20
Because they say, if
you can stick it out,
00:26:14.31\00:26:16.16
they took surveys
those people who were having
00:26:16.17\00:26:20.70
dysfunctional or
breaking up marriages
00:26:20.71\00:26:23.49
and those five years later.
00:26:23.83\00:26:25.87
Those people who stuck it
out during those five years.
00:26:26.69\00:26:29.82
I think this statistics
were 80 percent of them
00:26:31.09\00:26:33.14
said that their marriages
were better than they were ever.
00:26:33.95\00:26:36.50
Look, reach for the Lord, have
help Him to have you hold on,
00:26:38.55\00:26:43.95
and if at all possible do
everything to avoid the divorce.
00:26:43.96\00:26:47.87
Do everything you
can, separation for awhile,
00:26:48.74\00:26:52.76
anything you can
to try to be patient,
00:26:53.14\00:26:56.28
wait upon the
Lord, let Him come in.
00:26:56.64\00:26:59.42
You know the waiting time
can be the most valuable time.
00:27:00.34\00:27:02.72
A time for connecting with God.
00:27:03.53\00:27:05.05
Amen, well Richard,
I'm really glad that
00:27:05.06\00:27:08.07
you connected with
God in a deeper way
00:27:08.08\00:27:10.13
through your divorce and that.
00:27:10.14\00:27:11.57
Now, you are sharing
your experiences in your book
00:27:11.84\00:27:14.56
and the wisdom that
God has given you through,
00:27:15.03\00:27:17.30
just being on your
knees and connecting with Him.
00:27:17.88\00:27:20.17
And now through counseling,
00:27:20.18\00:27:21.70
and you're
sharing that with others.
00:27:22.17\00:27:23.67
And I just want
to thank you so much
00:27:23.68\00:27:25.16
for being with us
again. Yeah, my pleasure.
00:27:25.17\00:27:26.98
It's been a
delight to having you here.
00:27:26.99\00:27:28.46
Thank you. For
those of you at home,
00:27:28.57\00:27:30.31
I hope that you've
enjoyed today's program.
00:27:30.32\00:27:32.66
It will be re-run
sometime in the near future,
00:27:33.05\00:27:35.21
so you might tell
someone that you know
00:27:35.22\00:27:37.36
who needs to hear
this message to tune in.
00:27:37.37\00:27:39.69
And I pray that the
grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,
00:27:40.31\00:27:43.73
the love of the
Father and the fellowship
00:27:44.02\00:27:46.05
of the Holy Spirit
will be with you always.
00:27:46.06\00:27:49.12
May God continue to bless
you. Thank you for joining us.
00:27:49.51\00:27:52.56