Hello, I'm Shelly Queen and
welcome to another Issues and
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Answers. I'm so
glad that you joined us
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today and before we begin
this program, I have a Scripture
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to share with you and I think
you'll understand why as soon as
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we do the program; The Bible
says in Mathew 7 in verse 24;
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this is Jesus speaking. He says:
Everyone who hears these words
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of mine and acts upon them, in
other words obeying them will be
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like a sensible man who built
his house upon the rock and rain
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fell and floods came and the
winds blew and beat against that
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house, yet it did not fall
because it had been founded on
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rock. You know, our topic today
is going to be cohabitation
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before marriage, in other words
living together before marriage
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and the Bible has to say a lot
about this but what were going
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to do today is to look at
those who are not following that
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advice of building their house
upon the rock of Jesus Christ
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and on His word and actually we
are going to be looking at the
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causes and the results from the
statistical information and from
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various surveys. We have with
us again today and I'm so happy
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he has returned, pastor Jerry
Connell from Lincoln Nebraska,
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pastor, for those who haven't
got to know you, tell us what
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you do.
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I am on staff of the College
Church at Union College, a
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church of about 2100 members
plus 900 college students so
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were thinking in terms of about
3000 we provide ministry for, I
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do family ministries and
my training is in theology and
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clinical psycho therapy so I'll
go, I wear a few other hats,
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primarily what I do is
counseling and a lot of what I
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do is pre-marriage counseling,
marriage counseling, and post
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marriage or what I call post
mortems, I find out why they
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died. So for the
divorcees, yes? Yes
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That's a lot of what I do.
Well, you know, it seems to me
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that more and more people even
in churches are beginning to
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live together. What are
your statistics on that?
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Well, that's interesting, let me
just give you some statistics,
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in North America, first of all,
just across the population, ok
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and then well focus it down
more on some of the religious
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world, but I want to go back
to something else I think is
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really important, because
I've been journaling through the
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gospel of Mathew and when I got
to this verse you've just read,
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Yes William Berkeley, the famous
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Scottish theologian from
Edinburgh University, the
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famous ethicist but he said on
this verse, he said the problem
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today, this was 1956 when he
wrote this commentary, he said
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that the problem today is that
fewer and fewer people know what
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Jesus said. That's true.
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But Jesus said that if we
build, and the way He teaches,
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the way the Scripture teaches,
is that were going to build
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something solid, if we don't
when the rains and flood of life
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come, Its gonna be disaster.
Well if that was true in 1956
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just think how it is
50 years later. Exactly.
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Well, in 1970s in the US about
523,000 couples lived together
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1970, that's all. Half a million
By 1980 was 1.5 million, tripled
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By 1990 it was 2.85
million. Unbelievable.
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By the year 2000, 5.5 million.
That would knock your socks off.
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You're kidding. And
so, at that growth if it
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keeps going, don't have the 2006
but if we keep on going at that
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rate were probably running
about 7.2 or 7.4 million couples
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that are cohabiting.
That's amazing, now I know this
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is a hot research project right
now there's a lot of research
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being done... A lot
of research going on, let
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me talk about the churches
first of all, and give you a
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little bit of information on
that those coming from religious
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backgrounds, see across the
border about 50% of people who
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get married are living together
before they get married, so
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roughly, ok, now of that 50%,
those coming from what is called
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Born Again Christian families,
about 25% of Born Again
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Christians are cohabiting before
marriage, 37% of just Christians
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across the board, ok, the
main line of Christians, not the
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ones with you know, more
conservative, about 37 %, 36%
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of Catholics cohabiting before
marriage, atheists about 51%
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Interesting! It is.
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And there are some particular
reasons why people are
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cohabiting so these is just
some research on this, ok? And
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there's 5 major reasons why
people choose to cohabit before
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marriage. The first one
is experience, we are living
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together, they say, because we
want to find out how compatible
we are with each other
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They say: does it meet our
expectations?; will I be happy?
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We're living together because we
want to decrease our chances of
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divorce. We want to increase
the chance of a strong till
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death do us part, that's
why they are choosing to live
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together. Now, according to
Ruggers Univ. 62% of the men and
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women in their 20s believe that
living together before marriage
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is a good way to avoid
divorce. 62 %, recent research.
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Another 42% said they would only
marry someone if that person
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agreed to live together first.
And what they don't realize is
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I'm sure, from just what I've
seen, in my counseling and in
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my life time is that it probably
increases the chances of them
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getting divorced.
Were going to get there
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eventually, to that research.
The second research says the
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reason why they live together,
besides experience is finances.
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Now, that almost makes sense
I mean when you think about it
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Here's what they say: We're
living together because it just
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makes good sense financially,
two can live more cheaply than
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one, why pay for two houses
or apartments, cooking for two
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costs less, electricity is less,
garbage, telephone, water and
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the research shows though
that in cohabitive relationships
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women often pay up to 70%
of the cost of the cohabitive
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relationship, yes, so it is
not always a good thing for the
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woman.
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Reason nr. 3: companionship, it
is not good that people should
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be alone, right? We
get a full grip on that.
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Companionship, we would rather
live with someone than live
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alone, loneliness is a problem
for some, they don't wanna come
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home to an empty house and they
want to share their lives with
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someone so the need to eliminate
loneliness is very prominent for
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some people and some cohabit to
feel loved and appreciated, some
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cohabit to feel secure, so
that's part of the companionship
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they feel secure, ok, if you
got a guy in the house you feel
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more secure than being alone or
just a couple of females living
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together, ok so that's another,
the third reason, companionship
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Nr. 4: culture, the reason
people live together is they
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just say, you know what,
its just where we are and the
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social evolution of our culture,
we want to live together
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nowadays because everybody is
living together before they get
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married, society once frowned
on it but now is acceptable, now
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its normal and the
societal, parental and religious
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influences have weakened as the
family structure has broken down
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so its no longer seen as taboo
like it used to be in years gone
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by and in 1977 the TV program
Trees Company, that show shocked
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the sensibility of America when
it was on because that was so
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different, that was
1970s I remember it.
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But now its common place for
programs on television to have
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boys and girls living together,
its no big deal, you'll see it
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on movies all the time and its
just become the acceptable norm
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and some churches have relaxed
their standards and they are
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saying: well, its where we are
with this generation, let's not
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make a big deal out of it
because we want to keep them
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coming to church and get them
to the next level, next stage I
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mean, next level, into marriage,
ok, because we now that when
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people get married they tend to
come back to church if they are
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not going to church, especially
when they get children and then
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they tend to start coming back
to church for a while to see you
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know, what church is like again.
Nr. 5 is love. Were going to
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get married eventually, we're
in love, and the fact is that
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most men and women who lived
together do plan to get married.
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Now some are not even engaged
but they plan to and so we're
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going to get married anyhow, we
love each other, we anticipate
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making that commitment some day
and some people are engaged and
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they are counting the days and
so they think, well, you know,
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its close so lets live
together and so some they just
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feel that's nothing wrong
with doing it and they reason:
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Listen, we love each other,
we're going to get married, this
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will be good for us, its a good
thing, so why wait until we get
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married? We'll just cohabit and
eventually we'll get married.
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So, a high percentage of people
think living together is a good
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idea but now to the statistics,
I am purposely quoting State
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Universities, non-Christian
journals on marriage and family
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and research in those places
because I just want people to
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hear what the
researchers are finding out.
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And this, you want them to hear
aside from the Bible, what the
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Bible has to say is clear
but sometimes people who look at
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what the Bible says and say
that's our cake, that is, you
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know, that was written so long
ago that it doesn't apply to us
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anymore but what we're gonna
see now is that current research
00:11:08.95\00:11:12.35
outside of the Christian circle,
outside of the Christian norm
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is saying that the results are
the same thing that the Bible
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says they will be. Well,
it was kind of interesting
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a few years ago and I wish
I had been able to Xerox the
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journal because I forgot the
author's name but it was a, it
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worked at the University of
Minnesota, taught in a school
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of marriage and family there
and years ago, 25 years ago he
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used to tell couples: You know
what, before you get married
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just live together. I mean, you
know, back in the 70s it was,
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you know, the free love kind
of thing and the Heat-Ashbery
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Movement, that swept
across North America...
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It feels good, do
it It feels good, do it
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And so he said that, you know,
its not a big deal, just live
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together, try it out, you
know what, this gentleman, this
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researcher completely reversed
his position because as the
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students came back to him and
talked to him over the years it
00:12:05.70\00:12:09.08
began to realize what was
happening in their lives and in
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their relationships, The
Univ. of Wisconsin school of
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emerging family, the same thing,
I've read a research from there.
00:12:15.97\00:12:18.99
But here's what the researchers
have looked across the board, ok
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Here's what the researchers are
saying: Nr. 1 reason why people
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shouldn't live together,
why most authorities say people
00:12:33.82\00:12:37.48
shouldn't cohabit before
marriage is there's a greater
00:12:37.51\00:12:41.14
chance of divorce. And
these are non-Christian
00:12:41.17\00:12:44.54
researches.
These are non-Christian
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researchers, these are just
the research that's out there,
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greater chance of divorce in
fact up to 85% of those who get
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married after cohabiting
will end up in divorce.
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So... Now le me...
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Let me repeat that because
I want to clarify it too. Ok.
00:13:01.44\00:13:04.00
But let me repeat the statistic
because I want to make sure
00:13:04.64\00:13:08.07
that people hear this: if you
live together 85% of those who
00:13:08.10\00:13:11.50
live together before they
marry will end up in divorce.
00:13:11.53\00:13:15.80
Well, let me clarify because
we need to make this very clear.
00:13:16.53\00:13:19.29
Of those who cohabit
before marriage for all of the 5
00:13:19.32\00:13:22.20
reasons why people choose to
cohabit with the intention of
00:13:22.24\00:13:25.50
getting married, 50% of
them never get to the altar.
00:13:25.53\00:13:28.07
Ok. The average cohabitive
00:13:28.76\00:13:30.25
relationship lasts about 18
months, ok, now, of the 50% that
00:13:30.29\00:13:37.20
do get married, 50 people
I mean, ok, so lets take 100
00:13:38.17\00:13:42.55
couples, 50 of them will never
even get to the altar, their
00:13:42.59\00:13:46.66
relationship will dissolve
before they even get there.
00:13:46.69\00:13:49.51
Of the other 50 of the
100, 85% of those will end up in
00:13:50.22\00:13:56.02
divorce so if you figure that
out statistically, of the 100 is
00:13:56.06\00:13:59.00
about 92,5% of every
couple will end up in divorce.
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You know, people think that
living together is going to be
00:14:03.64\00:14:06.91
a taste of what is going to be
married, and it isn't, I mean is
00:14:07.41\00:14:10.63
you don't have without that
commitment in your heart and the
00:14:11.39\00:14:15.08
commitment to your spouse
or to your partner you are in a
00:14:15.12\00:14:18.78
relationship that is a little
more free if you will and yet
00:14:18.89\00:14:24.22
more burdened down, because
I wonder how many couples that
00:14:24.26\00:14:28.08
are in their first year of
marriage when they are going
00:14:28.11\00:14:31.86
through this adjustment period,
and everybody goes through an
00:14:31.90\00:14:35.44
adjustment period, I wonder how
many couples, if they had not
00:14:35.48\00:14:39.54
been married but spent that
first year or 18 months together
00:14:39.58\00:14:43.63
would have walked away from the
relationship but because they
00:14:43.66\00:14:47.54
were married said: ok, I've
said I do, I've made a vow, I
00:14:47.57\00:14:51.42
want to keep this
and they worked it out.
00:14:51.45\00:14:54.45
Yeah. But 50% of those living
00:14:54.48\00:14:57.54
together never make it...
Never even get to the altar.
00:14:57.58\00:15:01.35
And 85% of the 50... The
other 50 that get married...
00:15:01.39\00:15:04.91
They get a divorce. Yes,
so you figure that as 92,5
00:15:04.95\00:15:08.44
percent of the 100 that start
living together and, You know,
00:15:09.17\00:15:12.98
live together and are getting
married end up not being with
00:15:13.01\00:15:16.79
each other. When I try to
illustrate this with young
00:15:16.82\00:15:19.37
couples or couples I say, you
know, lets just go from 92,5 up
00:15:19.41\00:15:23.94
to 93, just to round it off, if
you had to cross the street and
00:15:23.98\00:15:27.25
there's only 7% chances you're
gonna make it do you think you
00:15:27.28\00:15:30.52
will try? That's almost double
00:15:30.55\00:15:32.42
the national average of
00:15:32.52\00:15:34.32
people who are getting
married and getting a divorce.
00:15:34.36\00:15:36.94
Well, that's an interesting
statistic too that I could get
00:15:36.98\00:15:40.06
too but let me just say, here's
what they found, cohabitation
00:15:40.09\00:15:43.72
increases the chances of divorce
that's a study I'm quoting from
00:15:43.76\00:15:47.36
Yale University. Yale Univ.
The Univ. of Denver found the
00:15:47.39\00:15:51.55
same thing, a significantly
higher divorce rate for those
00:15:51.58\00:15:55.67
who cohabit. The Univ. of Denver
US News and World Report called
00:15:55.71\00:16:02.30
the trouble with pre-marital
sex reported seriously more
00:16:02.33\00:16:05.63
likelihood the divorce after
cohabiting. US News and World
00:16:05.89\00:16:08.73
Report. In the first 5 years of
marriage after cohabiting 39% of
00:16:08.77\00:16:13.49
these marriages will break up in
the first 5 years, in the next 5
00:16:13.52\00:16:18.21
years 62% of the marriages will
break up within 10 years and
00:16:18.24\00:16:23.59
then up to the 92,5% in the
subsequent years beyond that.
00:16:23.63\00:16:28.95
I can just hear many mothers
out there saying: I told you so.
00:16:29.81\00:16:32.44
Well, you know, we need to move
on in our program and what I
00:16:32.92\00:16:37.39
wanted to ask you is: What
are some of the results of the
00:16:37.43\00:16:42.23
choice that when people make
this choice to cohabit before
00:16:42.26\00:16:47.03
marriage, what are
some of the results?
00:16:47.06\00:16:49.03
Well, anytime you deal
with a divorce you deal with a
00:16:49.07\00:16:52.23
relationship where your heart
is broken if you don't even get
00:16:52.27\00:16:55.79
to the altar that's gonna
set you up to invest less deeply
00:16:55.82\00:16:59.31
into the next relationship
in case you get shafted.
00:16:59.34\00:17:02.00
Ok. You see,
you're gonna hold back
00:17:02.75\00:17:04.21
a little bit on that, secondly,
if you're in a divorce, divorces
00:17:04.25\00:17:07.90
hurt, anybody who has
been through a divorce and I've
00:17:07.93\00:17:10.87
walked with many people who've
done that, I mean you get, its
00:17:10.91\00:17:15.53
not, well, its not just a walk
in the park, it's a very painful
00:17:15.57\00:17:19.78
experience going through divorce
and it will affect your children
00:17:19.81\00:17:23.99
for the rest of their lives.
In some ways I believe that it
00:17:24.02\00:17:27.27
is probably more painful
than even the death of a spouse
00:17:27.30\00:17:30.48
because they're still there. If
you have children particularly
00:17:30.52\00:17:34.95
you're never divorced. A couple
of other things, the second
00:17:34.99\00:17:38.82
reason the researchers are
saying its best not to cohabit
00:17:38.85\00:17:42.60
before marriage its because
there's better odds for conflict
00:17:42.63\00:17:46.35
Living together outside marriage
increases the risk of emotional
00:17:47.36\00:17:50.33
and physical abuse, what
most people don't know is that
00:17:50.36\00:17:54.49
aggression is at least twice
as common among cohabitation,
00:17:54.52\00:17:58.62
cohabitive couples as among
married ones, this is Washington
00:17:59.52\00:18:02.58
State Univ., they wrote an
article in Dr. Jen Stats from
00:18:02.71\00:18:07.50
Washington State Univ. in The
Journal of Marriage and Family.
00:18:07.54\00:18:10.14
Repeat that statistic,
its twice; yeah, a battery,
00:18:10.92\00:18:15.25
domestic violence, twice as high
in cohabitive relationships as
00:18:15.29\00:18:18.75
in married relationships.
Do you think that's a control
00:18:18.78\00:18:23.03
issue or I mean...
There's all... I'd love to get
00:18:23.06\00:18:27.24
into that and I know it might
be into that but I want to get
00:18:27.28\00:18:30.15
through the rest of these
reasons, maybe we can come
00:18:30.18\00:18:31.52
back to that. Ok.
00:18:31.55\00:18:32.77
Pennsylvania State Univ. did
a study and found couples living
00:18:36.14\00:18:41.06
together argue, shout and
hit each other more than married
00:18:41.33\00:18:44.61
couples do. That's in The
Journal of Marriage and Family.
00:18:44.94\00:18:48.30
So one of the results then
of living together could be that
00:18:48.34\00:18:51.67
if you do get married you
already established a pattern...
00:18:52.21\00:18:54.87
Exactly. And its
pattern that may not
00:18:54.90\00:18:56.56
have happen had you married
first but you have gotten into
00:18:56.60\00:19:01.24
this pattern and its
an abusive relationship.
00:19:01.27\00:19:04.22
Aha, and in the
relationship before marriage.
00:19:04.26\00:19:07.18
Aaa, women are 62% more likely
to be assaulted by... if living
00:19:10.35\00:19:13.93
with a man unmarried than if
they were married, that's The US
00:19:13.96\00:19:19.63
Justice Department statistic.
62% and then between 1979-1987
00:19:19.66\00:19:25.30
65% of violent crimes
against women were committed by
00:19:26.10\00:19:29.18
boyfriends or ex husbands, only
9% were committed by a husband.
00:19:29.22\00:19:33.50
So cohabitation isn't a good
thing. I mean this is what the
00:19:36.56\00:19:40.54
research from public univ. are
saying. Let me give you another
00:19:40.79\00:19:43.82
reason that they found why
people are saying now that the
00:19:43.85\00:19:49.10
research is out: Don't cohabit
before marriage. Another reason
00:19:49.14\00:19:53.03
is less chance of happiness,
unmarried couples that live
00:19:53.06\00:19:58.71
together have fewer levels of
happiness than married couples
00:19:58.74\00:20:04.36
either before or during
marriage. It is hard for a
00:20:04.89\00:20:09.01
person to be happy when he or
she, when his or her
relationship is built on
00:20:09.05\00:20:13.14
the need to prove him or herself
You see, that's so much of what
00:20:13.87\00:20:18.64
is in a cohabitive relationship;
I wanna do a test run, I just
00:20:18.68\00:20:22.80
wanna see, you got to prove to
me that this is, you know, and
00:20:22.84\00:20:27.02
that's what the relationship
is built on, so the basis of
00:20:27.06\00:20:31.21
cohabitation is other
than to prove ones love and
00:20:31.24\00:20:35.61
compatibility, that's not it,
it's just I want you to prove to
00:20:35.65\00:20:40.00
me that you're acceptable, I
want you to prove to me that you
00:20:40.04\00:20:44.61
are good enough. If you can make
me happy, if we are sexually
00:20:44.64\00:20:48.48
compatible, so I got to try you
out to see if were compatible
00:20:48.51\00:20:52.20
if you gonna meet that need in
my life. And if its not now I'm
00:20:52.23\00:20:57.36
gonna go find somebody else.
In a study, this is a good side
00:20:57.39\00:21:03.10
study, 6203 couples, married
partners reported significantly
00:21:03.14\00:21:07.74
higher levels of happiness than
did cohabiting couples, that's
00:21:07.77\00:21:12.59
The Journal of Family Issues.
That's a big study, 6200 couples
00:21:12.62\00:21:16.79
said as they did the research
the level of happiness was much
00:21:16.82\00:21:20.96
better than people who
were cohabiting. Let me give you
00:21:20.99\00:21:23.81
another one. This is what the
research says, the Journal of
00:21:23.84\00:21:27.22
Marriage and Family, married
couples have less depression,
00:21:27.25\00:21:30.56
less anxiety, lower levels of
all other types of psychological
00:21:30.60\00:21:34.50
stress. That's married couples.
00:21:34.53\00:21:36.91
Yeah. Compared
to those cohabiting
00:21:36.94\00:21:39.29
together Yeah.
00:21:39.32\00:21:40.29
Reason nr. 4:
greater risk of adultery.
00:21:41.20\00:21:44.54
Really?! That's interesting.
A greater risk of adultery. In
00:21:45.67\00:21:48.89
fact the research even
shows that those who were just
00:21:48.99\00:21:50.78
sexually active before marriage
even if they don't live together
00:21:50.82\00:21:53.27
there's a higher rate
of adultery after marriage.
00:21:54.47\00:21:56.06
Higher rate of divorce too.
And I could get into all the
00:21:56.37\00:21:59.73
reasons for that too but here,
a Michigan study showed that
00:22:00.18\00:22:04.94
couples who waited to cohabit
until after marriage would rate
00:22:05.43\00:22:08.27
their relationship stronger
than those who cohabited before
00:22:08.31\00:22:12.83
marriage. Women between 20 and
37 years of age who lived with
00:22:12.87\00:22:16.79
their partners before marriage
were more likely to have extra
00:22:16.82\00:22:20.95
marital affairs, men also.
About 17% of females and 24% of
00:22:20.98\00:22:26.36
males. Contrary to popular
belief a study of 3500 people,
00:22:26.40\00:22:32.33
this is a national sex survey,
ok, and another survey of 1000
00:22:32.37\00:22:38.83
people concluded married people
have more and better sex than
00:22:38.87\00:22:45.30
non-married. More and
better. The long term marital
00:22:45.33\00:22:48.84
commitment deepens both
the emotional and physical
00:22:48.87\00:22:52.78
satisfaction because the
commitment is there. Yes. And
00:22:52.81\00:22:56.65
those who wait until marriage
are 29 to 47% more likely to
00:22:56.69\00:23:02.19
enjoy sex within marriage.
That's what the research shows.
00:23:02.23\00:23:07.70
And lastly, the reason why
people are saying don't cohabit
00:23:08.96\00:23:12.43
before marriage is there are
less likely to even say: I do.
00:23:12.47\00:23:15.91
They go and live because they
plan to get married, like I said
00:23:17.23\00:23:19.68
50% of them never get to
the altar, the average cohabitve
00:23:19.99\00:23:23.03
relationship lasts
only 18 months. Its amazing.
00:23:23.06\00:23:27.18
And... so it sounded like the
results of all of these, I mean
00:23:27.77\00:23:33.10
all these are secular
organizations, secular studies
00:23:33.51\00:23:36.87
that are proving out what
the Bible has to say. Exactly.
00:23:37.94\00:23:40.48
That Gods original plan was
the way to go and all that we've
00:23:40.52\00:23:44.48
been fed, all of these
reasoning are faulty in their
00:23:44.51\00:23:48.50
thinking and they do not work,
Yah, so, for divorce, you know
00:23:48.54\00:23:54.19
up to 85% higher after they
get married if they've lived
00:23:54.22\00:23:57.84
together, 85% of that 50% I
should say and higher aggression
00:23:57.88\00:24:02.01
50% higher aggression, 50%
probability of not even getting
00:24:02.04\00:24:06.10
to the altar. So, I mean there's
no reason to cohabit, no good
00:24:06.14\00:24:11.16
reason I mean just pure,
raw research, Shelly, there's no
00:24:11.20\00:24:16.10
good reason the people should
cohabit before marriage. And
00:24:16.14\00:24:21.01
you know, when we think about
relationships we don't usually
00:24:23.63\00:24:25.88
think of it as trying them
out, he's trying her out, she is
00:24:26.00\00:24:29.74
trying him out but people say
well, we'll know if the other
00:24:29.78\00:24:33.14
is right for each other if
we're compatible, if we're both
00:24:33.18\00:24:36.47
happy and fulfilled, if we tried
to live together but what this
00:24:36.51\00:24:40.62
means is it all depends on if
my partner meets my expectations
00:24:40.66\00:24:44.74
living together automatically
puts people on a performance
00:24:45.75\00:24:48.77
basis. Yes.
00:24:49.50\00:24:50.96
And that's not good. Ok,
we only have a few minutes
00:24:51.00\00:24:54.01
left so let me ask you a
question, I'm sure that someone
00:24:54.05\00:24:57.05
in our audience is going to fall
into this category, that they
00:24:57.09\00:25:00.27
are watching, they are currently
living together, they may be
00:25:00.30\00:25:03.55
Christian or non-Christian,
what advice would you give them,
00:25:03.59\00:25:06.80
say that they have already moved
in together, what advice would
00:25:06.83\00:25:10.01
you give them now? Move out!
00:25:10.04\00:25:12.32
That's simple and quick.
Aaaa, yeah, I mean I would say
00:25:13.03\00:25:15.73
on unequivocally, move
out, start building your
00:25:16.22\00:25:18.32
relationship based on a good,
solid basis, because as Jesus
00:25:18.36\00:25:21.79
said, if you build it on a solid
foundation... see, all I did is
00:25:21.82\00:25:25.22
illustrate through
statistics from secular research
00:25:25.25\00:25:28.04
institutions and non-Christian
journals on marriage and family
00:25:28.08\00:25:31.33
What the Bible says..
And so, even though you are a
00:25:31.83\00:25:35.72
pastor saying: Move out! Yeah.
00:25:35.75\00:25:38.10
What you're saying to me from
all these statistics and all of
00:25:38.34\00:25:41.35
these studies is that even if
you weren't a pastor, if it was
00:25:41.38\00:25:44.31
someone who had done one of
these studies, they would be
00:25:44.34\00:25:47.24
giving the same
advice. They would be saying...
00:25:47.27\00:25:49.59
These are what the authorities
are coming to the conclusion now
00:25:49.63\00:25:52.88
that we've done this research
over these last 30 years or so
00:25:52.92\00:25:56.14
Let me just illustrate just
again the moving in together,
00:25:57.14\00:26:05.57
living together, how performance
based it really is, what they're
00:26:05.61\00:26:09.02
really saying is: If you make me
feel loved then I'll marry you.
00:26:09.06\00:26:12.44
If you satisfy me sexually then
I will marry you. If you treat
00:26:14.27\00:26:17.52
me with respect then I will
marry you. If you make me happy
00:26:17.55\00:26:20.40
then I will marry you. If
you fulfill my needs then I will
00:26:20.44\00:26:23.69
marry you. If you like what I
like then I will marry you. If
00:26:23.72\00:26:27.23
you make something of yourself
then I will marry you. f you
00:26:27.27\00:26:30.71
don't do the things I don't like
then I will marry you. The focus
00:26:30.75\00:26:34.91
is on you. Not the other person.
In Christian marriage is based
00:26:34.95\00:26:38.33
on considering the other better
than themselves and serving and
00:26:38.36\00:26:41.71
meeting the needs
of the other person.
00:26:41.74\00:26:44.34
And so in marriage the goal
is to take care of the other
00:26:45.18\00:26:46.74
person in sickness and health,
in richer or poorer and so the
00:26:46.78\00:26:51.69
greatest thing you could do is
just to do what the Bible tells
00:26:51.73\00:26:56.61
us to do because divorce
hurts and runs in families from
00:26:56.64\00:27:00.84
generation to generation and
it hurts the children because
00:27:00.87\00:27:04.20
literarily it will stay with
them the affects for a life time
00:27:04.23\00:27:07.53
You know, we have a couple who
works here at 3ABN and they're
00:27:08.10\00:27:12.07
so precious, they never
even kissed till they said their
00:27:12.11\00:27:16.01
wedding vows and their marriage
is so strong, they are so...
00:27:16.05\00:27:20.41
Can I give you just one
statistic, just very quickly
00:27:20.44\00:27:21.90
again, famous authority, the
Christian author that I quoted
00:27:22.70\00:27:25.83
before, he said: If people have
a real heart relationship with
00:27:25.87\00:27:28.74
Jesus, I mean they really do it
right, a real heart relationship
00:27:28.78\00:27:31.94
with Jesus he would say, he
has a research to support it the
00:27:31.97\00:27:35.39
divorce rate is 1 in 1000.
Praise the Lord. Jerry Connell.
00:27:35.42\00:27:38.35
Thank you so much pastor for
being with us and you know the
00:27:38.38\00:27:41.94
Bible says in Psalm 119: 105:
Your word is a lamp to my feet
00:27:41.98\00:27:45.78
and a light to my path. If you
are living with someone move out
00:27:45.81\00:27:49.58
and look at what the Bible has
to say to have a happy future.
00:27:49.89\00:27:53.88
Thank you for joining us!
00:27:54.31\00:27:55.35