Hello, I'm
Shelley Quinn and welcome
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to another Issues And Answers.
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You know we have
been having a wonderful
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series with Nancy
Van Pelt, who is a
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certified family
life educator and she is
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the author of 28
books. We've been having a
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great time talking
about smart love for
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singles but today
we're gonna be talking
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about marriage,
taking that final step
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and also how we
can meet the emotional
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needs of our spouse in marriage.
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I wanted to share
a scripture with you
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and it comes from
Ephesians chapter 5,
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very, familiar but
we're gonna look at it
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with a different
twist today. The Bible
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says in beginning in Ephesians 5
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and verse 21, it
first starts off saying
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be subject or submissive to one
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and another out of
reverence for Christ.
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Wives be subject
to your own husbands
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as to the Lord,
for the husband is head
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of the wife as Christ
is head of the Church.
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And as the Church
is subject to Christ so
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let wives also be
subject to everything
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to their
husbands. Husbands love your
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wives as Christ loved the Church
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and gave himself up for her.
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You know what?
Being subject to someone
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doesn't mean that
you become a doormat,
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being a subject
to someone means that
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when the Bible
says when God's counsel
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is to be
subject to your husband.
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It means to support
his vision, to support
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his plan, to be
the helpmate that
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God intended you
to do and it is really
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easy to be subject
to someone who is a
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husband who loves
you as Christ loved
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the Church,
because that means he is
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going to be very
supportive of you
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in what everything
that's best for you.
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Isn't that right? Nancy Van
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Pelt. That's right.
Oh! Welcome so much,
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we've had such a
wonderful time filming
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this series with you
and today we're going
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to get into
marriage and we're gonna be
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talking about how
to meet the emotional
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needs in marriage.
It's very different
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what a woman and
a man need out of
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marriage, let's talk about that.
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It is different
and that we have to
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recognize that
there are differences
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or we can't meet those needs,
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because if a wife
thinks that her husband
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has the same
emotional needs, then she
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will be giving to
him what it is she wants
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and because the
needs are so different
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that simply will
not do. And even though
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it's not, you can't
cookie cut her and say,
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all women are going
to be this way or all
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men are going to
be this way. Women do
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have some very
specific needs for the
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most part and what
do you think is the
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first thing that a
woman is looking for
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out of marriage.
The, one of the main
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things that a woman
wants is to be loved
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and adored and
cherished and this is
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true Shelley,
you've mentioned that
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I've been to 55
countries around the
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world and it
doesn't matter what culture
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I go into, even in
India where the women
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will sit on one
side and the men will sit
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on the other and I
can't tell if anybody
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is married to
anybody there, the women
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still want to be
loved by their husbands.
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And that's arranged marriage
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but what do they
want, they want to feel
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that enduring
love over the years.
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A woman has that
need to feel cherished
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by her husband
as much after they
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have been married
33 years as they did,
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she did on her
first day of marriage.
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And any man who
can understand that
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need in a woman
and supply those needs
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day by day is
going to have a wife who
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will adore him.
Okay, now if I am a man
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that is sitting in
the audience right now
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and I'm saying okay
she wants to feel loved.
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How do I do that? I
am clueless. That's right
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and you're right,
many men are clueless,
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in fact it's Dr.
Phil, who says that men have
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to have bread
crumbs dropped before them
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and you better
drop those bread crumbs
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really close, he
says. To make a path to
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the way they
should follow, right.
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But how does a man
let his wife know it can
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be done through
words but also through
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caring acts. One of
the things that Harry
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does for me for
example is put gas in my car.
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Now that does not
sound like a very big deal
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but in America
where we have mostly,
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most families have two cars.
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The fact that he
will think about my needs,
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try to make me
happy, watch over my car
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so that I don't have to do that.
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I hate putting
gas, I wreck my nails,
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I, you know and
I, the machine will
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eat my credit
card, I don't get it back
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and all this is just
a, one of these little
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time waste of
things. And this says
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a lot to me,
little caring things
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like that and the many other
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things that he
does. Let's we know on a
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day to day basis
that he does continue
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to love me, he writes me notes.
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You should see. Yes.
The kind of attention
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that I get after
I've been gone on a trip,
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when I come home, I
know there's gonna be
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a little card
there for me, I know
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that is gonna be message of love
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he expresses that
in many different ways
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and this is what a woman wants.
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You know there's so many ways
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to show
affection, for me I'm a very
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practical person
and if JD went out
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and bought big
bouquets of flowers
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and paid a lot of
money, I probably be
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upset with him because I am,
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you know I'm very
fruga with our money
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but he will
bring me flowers from
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the grocery store
occasionally and that's
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very precious, but what means
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the most to me is
especially like if he
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is going on a trip
and I'm staying behind
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I will find little
love notes that he's
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tucked into my
pillow or little love notes
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here and there but
it is some of the little
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things that he
does for me that mean
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the very most to me. Yes,
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and that's what I
encourage men to keep
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doing for their
wives for a lifetime.
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Amen. Now another
thing that I think that
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most woman seem
to really have a need
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of is emotional security. Yes,
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now what does that mean?
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It really means
that she feels secure
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in his affections
that she is number one
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in his life outside of God.
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Most of the time or at
least part of the time,
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now most wives
practically understand
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that their
husband's job is going to take
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most of his
time, but after that,
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where does she
fit in to all of this?
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And so many men are coming home
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and getting
hooked into the computer
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or maybe they're
rebuilding a car in the
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garage or they're so into sports
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that they're not
carving out time for
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their wives and their families.
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Well, an emotional security,
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would you agree
that sometimes what,
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it can be
emotional security is to feel
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safe with someone, to have,
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I think one
problem that I hear most
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frequently is
that couples have a
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hard time
sometimes. Particularly
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woman if she feels
that her husband will not
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listen to her
and I heard the most.
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I don't know did
you hear this on TV
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the other day, they
said that they've done
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scientific studies
that prove that men when
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they're listening
passively only listen
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with half their
brain. And so a woman
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though when she is
listening passively
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then she listens with both sides
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of her brain, let me explain
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what's passive listening?
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Lets say that somebody
is watching television.
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Well, if someone
Speaks to a woman
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while she is
watching television,
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she still use
both sides of her brain
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but if someone speaks to a man
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who is watching television,
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he listens only
with half of his brain.
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So I always tell
women what she need
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to do is make sure
if you're trying to talk
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to your husband that honey,
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could you turn the
TV down for a moment,
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because he isn't
going to be listening
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to you with both
sides of his brain
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till you get him
actively involved.
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But there are men
who discount everything
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that their wife says
or they don't listen,
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they don't respond,
they don't acknowledge
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and a women feels
that what she says
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to him is unimportant,
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so her needs aren't being met.
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Her needs are not being met,
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actually they say
that women are better
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listeners than man
and it has to do with a
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very simple thing
that women nod their
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heads more when
they're listening
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and at least you
know somebody is there.
00:09:01.06\00:09:02.94
And then they says aha more,
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so I tell man at
least nod your head and
00:09:05.69\00:09:07.68
says aha, but
that's still only a form
00:09:07.69\00:09:12.77
of passive
listening. And you don't
00:09:12.78\00:09:14.46
know that they're
listening, what woman,
00:09:14.47\00:09:16.35
what women want in
listening is to have
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their feelings
validated and this is
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what men need to understand,
00:09:21.63\00:09:23.59
men can learn this,
but it's a skill that
00:09:23.60\00:09:26.41
for them is a
little more difficult.
00:09:26.42\00:09:29.08
Women already know
how to validate feelings,
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because they've been doing that
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with their women
friends for years
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but men can learn
it but they're gonna
00:09:36.33\00:09:38.78
have to work at it. Yeah.
00:09:38.79\00:09:39.97
And I think it's
important that we
00:09:40.34\00:09:42.07
understand even
as women that men
00:09:42.08\00:09:45.54
and women do
communicate differently
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and I tell
people sometimes I know
00:09:48.11\00:09:51.39
my husband likes me
to get to the bottom
00:09:51.40\00:09:53.38
line things. So I learned that,
00:09:53.39\00:09:55.43
it was very
difficult the first year,
00:09:55.44\00:09:57.29
you know when I
would try to explain
00:09:57.61\00:09:58.92
something to him, I'd loose him
00:09:58.93\00:10:00.85
half way through.
So I learned to get
00:10:00.86\00:10:02.97
to the bottom
and then if he wanted
00:10:02.98\00:10:04.94
more details I'd
give them to him,
00:10:04.95\00:10:07.35
but now when I
talk to a female friend
00:10:07.56\00:10:09.43
I'll tell her all
the details because
00:10:09.44\00:10:11.34
that's the way we communicate.
00:10:11.35\00:10:12.51
So it's kind of
two way street here
00:10:12.52\00:10:14.61
that woman need
to appreciate the
00:10:14.62\00:10:16.34
difference in there
and how men listen to.
00:10:16.35\00:10:18.71
They do and you
know with this emotional
00:10:18.72\00:10:22.70
security business
making a woman feel
00:10:22.71\00:10:25.66
that she is
number one in his life,
00:10:25.91\00:10:29.13
part of this is
having a man restrict
00:10:29.14\00:10:32.81
his visual interest
a little bit is very
00:10:32.82\00:10:36.76
difficult for some
men, when they're with
00:10:36.77\00:10:39.35
their wives to
keep their eyes focused
00:10:39.36\00:10:42.01
on the wife. They have the
00:10:42.02\00:10:45.23
inclination to
let their eyes track
00:10:45.24\00:10:47.87
a pretty woman as she
is walking by and this
00:10:49.21\00:10:52.62
weakens his
position in her eyes,
00:10:52.63\00:10:57.71
it makes her
feel that maybe she is
00:10:57.72\00:10:59.30
not number one.
Now, I'm not asking
00:10:59.31\00:11:02.56
men to put
blinders on her or anything
00:11:02.57\00:11:04.97
like that but a
wife should never be
00:11:04.98\00:11:07.62
aware of what it is
he is seeing or it's only
00:11:07.63\00:11:11.39
going to weaken his position.
00:11:11.40\00:11:13.25
You know that's
interesting because
00:11:13.62\00:11:14.76
I have heard so
many women who have
00:11:14.77\00:11:16.19
said that they feel
almost like they are
00:11:16.20\00:11:20.59
obscure or they,
I mean they don't
00:11:21.13\00:11:23.19
even feel present sometime when
00:11:23.20\00:11:24.46
they're out in
public with her husband
00:11:24.47\00:11:26.13
because he is
watching all the other women
00:11:26.14\00:11:28.12
and it makes them
feel very insecure. Yes
00:11:28.13\00:11:30.14
Now on the
other hand if you feel
00:11:30.58\00:11:31.95
secure like there
are times when I'm
00:11:31.96\00:11:33.89
out with JD if I see a
really beautiful woman,
00:11:33.90\00:11:36.30
you know because he isn't one to
00:11:37.01\00:11:38.63
watch other woman
I can sometimes give
00:11:38.64\00:11:40.77
him a little
nudge and say honey,
00:11:40.78\00:11:42.22
look at how
beautiful that woman is?
00:11:42.23\00:11:44.14
And I can do
that because I do feel
00:11:44.55\00:11:46.42
secure with him.
And that's a safe thing
00:11:46.43\00:11:48.69
to do because the
wife has brought it up,
00:11:48.70\00:11:50.86
yeah, and so there
is safety within that
00:11:50.87\00:11:53.48
but when he is the one doing
00:11:53.49\00:11:55.33
the tracking and
she's not involved
00:11:55.34\00:11:57.98
that's a dangerous thing.
00:11:57.99\00:11:59.44
That's what weakens
her emotional security,
00:11:59.45\00:12:02.72
but every woman
wants to feel secure
00:12:02.95\00:12:05.33
in her husband's affection.
00:12:05.34\00:12:07.06
She needs to feel
that if he were looking
00:12:07.07\00:12:09.84
over the whole
world all over again
00:12:09.85\00:12:12.31
that he would still
pick her and any man
00:12:12.32\00:12:15.65
that will give
that sense of security
00:12:15.66\00:12:17.72
to his wife is going
to have a happy wife.
00:12:17.73\00:12:20.43
That's true, some
days because I travel
00:12:20.44\00:12:23.29
almost every
weekend and work full time,
00:12:23.30\00:12:25.21
there are sometimes
when I have a Sunday
00:12:25.22\00:12:27.83
off that I may get
up and feel not like
00:12:27.84\00:12:32.09
washing my face,
this isn't a good
00:12:32.10\00:12:33.82
thing to even
admit on television but
00:12:33.83\00:12:35.88
you know you're
running around in a sweat
00:12:35.89\00:12:37.83
suit or something
and I'll say to JD,
00:12:37.84\00:12:39.83
honey, I'm sorry
I didn't even wash
00:12:39.84\00:12:41.77
my face today and he'll say,
00:12:41.78\00:12:43.09
oh honey you always
look beautiful to me.
00:12:43.10\00:12:45.75
And whether or not he really
00:12:45.76\00:12:48.15
believes that,
I mean he makes me
00:12:48.16\00:12:50.32
believe that he
feels that way and it's a
00:12:50.33\00:12:52.75
nice thing to feel
that you can just be
00:12:52.76\00:12:55.93
yourself around someone that you
00:12:55.94\00:12:57.88
don't have to perform for them
00:12:57.89\00:12:59.23
and the part of
that is a emotional
00:12:59.24\00:13:00.61
security isn't it? I think so,
00:13:00.62\00:13:02.49
one of the most
poignant things that I
00:13:03.02\00:13:04.82
ever heard a
woman say, was a woman
00:13:04.83\00:13:07.20
who had been
through Chemotherapy.
00:13:07.21\00:13:08.82
And she had lost all of her hair
00:13:09.46\00:13:11.57
and she was
feeling so unfeminine
00:13:12.26\00:13:14.64
and just at her
lowest ebb and her
00:13:14.65\00:13:17.83
husband came to
her one day and took
00:13:17.84\00:13:20.25
her face in his
hands and he said honey,
00:13:20.26\00:13:23.39
you have never
looked more beautiful to me
00:13:23.40\00:13:26.00
then you do right
now. Can you imagine
00:13:26.01\00:13:29.32
what that he did for
that woman and that's
00:13:29.33\00:13:32.19
the kind of
security that we can expect
00:13:32.20\00:13:34.91
in marriage and should have,
00:13:34.92\00:13:36.96
we should have
that feeling at all
00:13:36.97\00:13:39.01
time not insecure. You know,
00:13:39.02\00:13:41.41
that's more than
just meeting your
00:13:41.42\00:13:43.24
emotional needs, that's really
00:13:43.25\00:13:45.11
a romantic
gesture, it is and that's
00:13:45.12\00:13:48.68
bring as to one
of the last needs,
00:13:48.69\00:13:50.62
emotional needs
that a woman has,
00:13:50.63\00:13:53.23
is to feel that
her husband loves her
00:13:53.72\00:13:57.03
enough to
romance her a little bit.
00:13:57.04\00:14:00.03
Now what
romance means to a woman
00:14:00.59\00:14:02.74
and what romance
means to a man can
00:14:02.75\00:14:04.79
be different? Now
most men have a little
00:14:04.80\00:14:07.92
bit of romance in
them or they never
00:14:07.93\00:14:09.78
would have gotten married in the
00:14:09.79\00:14:10.89
first place, either that or she
00:14:10.90\00:14:12.43
was translating
everything that he was
00:14:12.44\00:14:15.00
doing for into
a romantic gesture
00:14:15.01\00:14:17.31
but what does
romance mean to a women?
00:14:17.32\00:14:20.54
It's all the
little things that he does
00:14:20.55\00:14:23.74
and I have in my
book, Highly Effective
00:14:24.42\00:14:27.01
Marriage, 21 ways to
00:14:27.02\00:14:28.98
romance your
wife, but, share a few.
00:14:28.99\00:14:32.34
Alright, one is to smile at her
00:14:32.35\00:14:36.02
over a meal, to give her a
00:14:36.43\00:14:38.65
compliment and I
tell a man if you give
00:14:38.66\00:14:41.74
her a compliment at
home I'll give you a
00:14:41.75\00:14:45.22
hundred points,
but if you give her a
00:14:45.23\00:14:47.60
compliment in front of friends,
00:14:47.61\00:14:49.61
I will give you
a thousand points,
00:14:50.14\00:14:52.63
if you send her flowers at home,
00:14:52.97\00:14:55.09
I'll give you a
hundred points but
00:14:55.47\00:14:58.16
if you send her
flowers to her place of work.
00:14:58.17\00:15:01.64
I will give you a thousand,
00:15:01.65\00:15:03.62
because then she
gets to enjoy the
00:15:03.63\00:15:06.08
experience with
all the women and
00:15:06.09\00:15:08.78
they'll say oh, what a
00:15:08.79\00:15:09.94
wonderful
husband, I wish my husband
00:15:09.95\00:15:12.66
did that, can we clone him
00:15:12.67\00:15:14.58
and all kinds of
things like that she gets
00:15:14.59\00:15:17.28
to relive and
enjoy the experience
00:15:17.29\00:15:20.11
in front of others,
00:15:20.12\00:15:21.37
so it's these little things.
00:15:21.79\00:15:23.40
A dinner out with
no children please,
00:15:25.20\00:15:29.12
no children, you cannot be
00:15:29.13\00:15:31.48
romantic with
babies crawling all over
00:15:31.49\00:15:35.05
you or a preteen
surprising you, no,
00:15:35.06\00:15:38.94
romance and
children just do not mix,
00:15:39.45\00:15:42.85
so it has to be the
two of you out together
00:15:42.86\00:15:46.33
for an evening away from home.
00:15:46.34\00:15:48.60
It is very difficult
for a woman to be romantic
00:15:48.61\00:15:52.68
and at home, because you cannot
00:15:52.69\00:15:55.15
set the same environment,
00:15:55.16\00:15:56.58
because there is
something at home
00:15:56.59\00:15:58.18
that is screaming
at her, pick me up,
00:15:58.46\00:16:00.37
clean me or put
me up away, yeah.
00:16:00.38\00:16:02.33
So you need to
get her away from home
00:16:02.34\00:16:04.84
every once in a
while, where she can
00:16:04.85\00:16:07.25
get back into a
romantic mode again,
00:16:07.26\00:16:10.55
or flowers, and
again I don't like the big
00:16:11.52\00:16:14.00
expensive things either,
00:16:14.01\00:16:15.79
but that
bouquet from the grocery
00:16:15.80\00:16:18.01
store that I can put in a vase
00:16:18.02\00:16:20.85
and arrange
myself, that my husband got
00:16:20.86\00:16:23.81
for me not a florist, my husband
00:16:23.82\00:16:26.65
selected this
for me, some of these
00:16:26.66\00:16:29.16
things mean even
more. And you know,
00:16:29.17\00:16:32.40
sometimes just a
call in the middle of the
00:16:32.41\00:16:34.80
afternoon yes, or JD will e-mail
00:16:34.81\00:16:37.03
me every now and
then, just for a little
00:16:37.04\00:16:39.58
I love you or
gazing into your spouse's
00:16:39.59\00:16:42.66
eyes sometimes
people forget after
00:16:42.67\00:16:44.85
they've been
married a long time,
00:16:44.86\00:16:46.16
they forget what
that's like to look over
00:16:46.17\00:16:48.96
the dinner table and
really look longingly
00:16:48.97\00:16:51.05
and gazingly
into each other eyes
00:16:51.06\00:16:52.87
and there is
something very romantic
00:16:52.88\00:16:54.28
about that, there
is a very romantic,
00:16:54.29\00:16:56.08
that's one of the
assignments that I
00:16:56.09\00:16:57.77
give married
couples to do after class
00:16:57.78\00:17:01.16
is there to sit for
two minutes and look
00:17:01.17\00:17:04.11
into one and others eyes,
00:17:04.12\00:17:05.62
not saying
anything. Couples who are
00:17:06.07\00:17:08.66
in love spend
more time looking into
00:17:08.67\00:17:11.27
one and others eyes
and what's happening
00:17:11.28\00:17:13.02
now in our busy, very busy
00:17:13.03\00:17:15.19
lifestyle we are
seeing shadows moving
00:17:15.20\00:17:18.58
out to the side in
our peripheral vision
00:17:18.59\00:17:20.98
because our eyes
are more fixated on
00:17:20.99\00:17:23.44
television or
computers or children
00:17:23.45\00:17:26.22
or whatever other
thing is taking our time,
00:17:26.23\00:17:29.34
and couples
need to look into one
00:17:29.64\00:17:31.85
and others eyes. But you know
00:17:31.86\00:17:33.09
Nancy I can just
hear someone woman in
00:17:33.10\00:17:35.82
our listening
audience who is at home
00:17:35.83\00:17:39.90
with three children
all under the age of 6
00:17:39.91\00:17:43.31
and her husband
is gonna come home
00:17:43.32\00:17:44.61
tonight and if he
was to watch to this,
00:17:44.62\00:17:46.38
this program she
would want us to say
00:17:46.39\00:17:49.85
to him that
sometimes a romantic gesture
00:17:50.20\00:17:53.22
is helping with
the dinner dishes,
00:17:53.23\00:17:55.04
maybe putting the babies to bed
00:17:55.43\00:17:57.02
and let her to go
take a nice relaxing
00:17:57.03\00:17:59.37
bubble bath, he
could draw her a bath,
00:17:59.38\00:18:01.45
let her just have
a few minutes away
00:18:01.46\00:18:03.63
from the children, take over a
00:18:03.64\00:18:05.27
couple of her
duties and that's a symbol
00:18:05.28\00:18:07.79
that is more
romantic than all the flowers
00:18:07.80\00:18:10.17
that he could ever buy. Yes,
00:18:10.18\00:18:12.03
those are the, and look at,
00:18:12.04\00:18:14.12
some of these things are free,
00:18:14.43\00:18:15.86
a man does not have
to spend a lot of money
00:18:16.28\00:18:18.87
to romance his
wife because some women
00:18:18.88\00:18:21.20
would rather have
that, that compliment
00:18:21.21\00:18:23.92
and just some caring
gestures and if a man
00:18:24.50\00:18:28.58
would fill this,
will fill his days
00:18:28.59\00:18:30.96
with these little
things starting early
00:18:30.97\00:18:32.65
in the morning
wrapping his arm around her
00:18:32.66\00:18:35.21
and whispering sweet
nothings into her ear,
00:18:35.22\00:18:38.07
calling her during the day,
00:18:38.08\00:18:39.65
complimenting her on a meal,
00:18:39.66\00:18:41.75
being a gentleman, seeding her,
00:18:41.76\00:18:44.10
opening a car
door, these little things
00:18:44.11\00:18:46.78
would mean more
and could do more.
00:18:46.79\00:18:49.29
These little
courtesies could do more
00:18:49.30\00:18:51.53
to make their
marriage special then
00:18:51.81\00:18:53.48
almost anything else. Okay,
00:18:53.49\00:18:54.93
so lets recap
where we're at right now,
00:18:54.94\00:18:56.60
we've talked
about love and affection
00:18:56.61\00:18:58.73
is very
important, emotional security
00:18:58.74\00:19:01.01
is very important
in romantic attention
00:19:01.02\00:19:02.99
and once again
this is a man who is now
00:19:03.00\00:19:06.89
loving the woman as Christ loves
00:19:06.90\00:19:09.40
the church, you know and I
00:19:09.41\00:19:10.38
tell people everywhere it's very
00:19:10.39\00:19:11.65
easy for me to
be submissive to my
00:19:11.66\00:19:13.37
husband because he
does love me as Christ
00:19:13.38\00:19:15.92
loves the
church. And that means,
00:19:15.93\00:19:17.34
he supports my
growth, he supports me
00:19:17.35\00:19:21.50
in so many ways
Nancy that it's a
00:19:22.01\00:19:24.00
beautiful thing, I
believe that a truly
00:19:24.01\00:19:28.48
loving man is not
a controlling person
00:19:28.49\00:19:31.06
any more than
Christ is forcing or
00:19:31.07\00:19:33.54
controlling the
church in what to do.
00:19:33.55\00:19:36.52
But now, let's
look at, because it's
00:19:36.98\00:19:39.07
equally important
to meet the emotional
00:19:39.08\00:19:41.48
needs of the
man in the marriage,
00:19:41.49\00:19:43.42
so how can, what are some of the
00:19:43.43\00:19:45.73
mysterious ways
or the secrets of how
00:19:45.74\00:19:48.47
a woman can meet a
man's emotional needs?
00:19:48.48\00:19:51.54
It is so important
for a woman to meet her
00:19:52.53\00:19:55.84
husband's
emotional needs and many
00:19:55.85\00:19:57.81
women don't think that a man has
00:19:57.82\00:19:59.57
emotional needs, but his primary
00:19:59.58\00:20:02.38
and most important
need is for admiration
00:20:02.39\00:20:05.49
and
appreciation, he needs to know
00:20:05.74\00:20:09.01
that he is admired,
that his wife thinks he
00:20:09.45\00:20:13.22
is wonderful and
the interesting thing
00:20:13.23\00:20:15.82
here is if a wife
thinks her husband is
00:20:15.83\00:20:19.17
wonderful, the children will
00:20:19.18\00:20:21.51
think that their
daddy is wonderful.
00:20:21.52\00:20:24.20
So it's the mother in the house
00:20:24.21\00:20:25.98
who sets the tone
for the entire family
00:20:25.99\00:20:29.39
and especially for
the children. But now,
00:20:29.40\00:20:32.77
what do you admire in a man,
00:20:32.78\00:20:35.15
well one thing
and only one is his
00:20:35.16\00:20:37.94
physical appearance, you know,
00:20:37.95\00:20:41.08
and you know
after a few years men
00:20:41.09\00:20:43.74
might begin to
lose it a little bit,
00:20:44.21\00:20:46.14
their hair line
reseeds a little bit
00:20:46.15\00:20:49.33
and maybe
they're getting a little
00:20:49.34\00:20:51.04
pouch around the middle,
00:20:51.05\00:20:52.73
but just watch him
if he is looking at
00:20:53.55\00:20:55.32
himself in the
mirror, you just might
00:20:55.33\00:20:57.51
find him squaring his shoulders
00:20:57.52\00:21:00.03
and sucking it in a
little bit and saying,
00:21:00.04\00:21:02.82
you tiger you.
And that's what a wife
00:21:02.83\00:21:05.98
should be doing for
her husband is giving
00:21:05.99\00:21:09.01
him that feeling
and when he feels
00:21:09.02\00:21:11.83
that way he is going to be more
00:21:11.84\00:21:13.93
responsive to her needs,
00:21:13.94\00:21:16.14
for love and
affection. Absolutely,
00:21:16.34\00:21:19.37
one thing that I used to share
00:21:19.38\00:21:20.89
with my sister, that I would do
00:21:20.90\00:21:23.06
with JD when I
wasn't working you know,
00:21:23.07\00:21:26.07
early in our
marriage when he would come
00:21:26.08\00:21:28.11
home I would always thank him,
00:21:28.12\00:21:29.76
I admire him and
appreciate the fact
00:21:30.33\00:21:31.83
that he was the wed winner,
00:21:31.84\00:21:34.34
that he was
supporting us and I always
00:21:34.35\00:21:36.07
thanked him for
how hard he worked.
00:21:36.08\00:21:37.63
And you know,
there's many different
00:21:37.88\00:21:39.55
ways but it's
interesting I recently
00:21:39.56\00:21:41.76
read research where
they had polled many
00:21:41.77\00:21:45.19
thousands of audiences of men,
00:21:45.20\00:21:47.21
asking the men if
you had the opportunity
00:21:47.85\00:21:51.28
to either know
that you were loved,
00:21:51.29\00:21:54.02
to have
absolutely assurance that
00:21:54.03\00:21:55.51
someone loved you
or opposed to that
00:21:55.52\00:21:59.07
not to know that
you were loved but
00:21:59.08\00:22:00.94
to know that you were admired
00:22:00.95\00:22:02.22
and respected, which one
00:22:02.23\00:22:03.88
did you choose and Nancy,
00:22:03.89\00:22:06.08
80 to 90, I think
it was 80 something
00:22:06.09\00:22:08.30
percent of the
time, close to 90,
00:22:08.31\00:22:10.09
the men were
choosing to be admired
00:22:10.56\00:22:13.84
and respected. That's
00:22:13.85\00:22:16.32
amazing, this is not surprising,
00:22:16.33\00:22:17.47
surprising to me
because it is their
00:22:17.81\00:22:19.84
number one need, so yes,
00:22:19.85\00:22:21.88
they need to have their physical
00:22:21.89\00:22:23.49
appearance
admired but that isn't
00:22:23.50\00:22:25.92
where we stop, because look
00:22:25.93\00:22:28.11
at his skills and
his abilities what,
00:22:28.12\00:22:31.65
what can he do, perhaps skills
00:22:31.66\00:22:34.51
connected with
his work and the other
00:22:34.52\00:22:37.72
day Harry said,
honey, I fixed the car
00:22:37.73\00:22:41.36
and probably
saved us some money,
00:22:42.74\00:22:44.20
well now that's the
time to appreciate him.
00:22:44.21\00:22:46.59
So I patted him
on the back and told
00:22:46.60\00:22:48.96
him how pride,
proud I was at him,
00:22:48.97\00:22:51.06
5 minutes later he
was back telling me
00:22:51.07\00:22:53.52
all about it all
over again and I thought,
00:22:53.53\00:22:56.56
oh we're through with this yet,
00:22:56.57\00:22:58.33
so I appreciate it again,
00:22:58.34\00:23:00.18
then he came back a third time,
00:23:00.54\00:23:02.45
this time he takes
me out of car and has
00:23:02.91\00:23:05.57
to lift up the hood and show me
00:23:05.58\00:23:07.68
what he was
doing. Now, why was he
00:23:07.69\00:23:10.11
going through all of this?
00:23:10.12\00:23:11.39
Because he had a need
that only I could fill,
00:23:11.72\00:23:15.46
he needed me to give
him a pad on the back
00:23:15.47\00:23:18.57
and tell him how
well he could he do amen,
00:23:18.93\00:23:21.46
amen. And that's
what Jesus was saying
00:23:21.47\00:23:23.90
when the Holy
Spirit actually inspired
00:23:24.75\00:23:27.75
Paul to write, wives be
00:23:27.76\00:23:30.00
submissive to your husbands,
00:23:30.01\00:23:31.41
it means to be supportive of his
00:23:31.42\00:23:33.48
vision and his
plans support him and the
00:23:33.49\00:23:35.96
things that he does
is showing that respect
00:23:35.97\00:23:38.39
for him as the
head of the household.
00:23:38.40\00:23:40.05
If I can pick up
on what you're saying
00:23:40.30\00:23:42.18
right there, one
of the things that
00:23:42.19\00:23:43.76
you started out
with those verses from
00:23:44.17\00:23:46.37
Ephesians 5, right and actually
00:23:46.38\00:23:48.87
women are told
to respect and to be
00:23:48.88\00:23:52.09
submissive to their
husbands only one time,
00:23:52.10\00:23:55.38
but men are told
four different times
00:23:55.70\00:23:59.66
to love their wives,
it's almost that Paul
00:23:59.98\00:24:04.23
through
inspiration knew that men
00:24:04.24\00:24:06.81
were gonna have a little trouble
00:24:06.82\00:24:08.32
with this, so we told them once
00:24:08.33\00:24:10.09
and then he said
again, but men just in case
00:24:10.10\00:24:12.64
you didn't get it
the first time I said,
00:24:12.65\00:24:14.62
love your wives. Okay, so a man
00:24:14.93\00:24:18.11
needs admiration,
appreciation, respect,
00:24:18.12\00:24:21.77
and that means respecting his
00:24:21.78\00:24:23.09
decisions too, respecting his
00:24:23.10\00:24:25.41
decisions but also
an attitude of respect
00:24:25.42\00:24:28.49
when you're
speaking to him and I think
00:24:28.94\00:24:32.29
so many wives well they say,
00:24:32.30\00:24:34.91
well I respect my husband,
00:24:34.92\00:24:36.31
but somehow I
think if you could be a
00:24:36.32\00:24:38.31
little fly on the
wall and a silent observer
00:24:38.32\00:24:41.88
in the home you
might not find such a
00:24:41.89\00:24:44.45
respectful
attitude. Wives get so,
00:24:44.46\00:24:47.79
mothers get so
used to ordering their
00:24:47.80\00:24:50.66
children around, how many times
00:24:50.67\00:24:53.50
do I have to tell
you that they begun
00:24:53.51\00:24:55.92
treating their
husbands and speaking to
00:24:55.93\00:24:57.86
their husbands, as
if they were a child.
00:24:57.87\00:25:00.58
And so then we have mother-son
00:25:01.28\00:25:03.73
relationship, which men do not
00:25:03.74\00:25:05.70
tolerate well at
all, he already had one
00:25:06.96\00:25:09.44
mother and he
doesn't need a second one.
00:25:09.45\00:25:12.09
And women will
roll their eyes and go
00:25:13.64\00:25:17.24
through all kinds of
non-verbal as well as
00:25:17.25\00:25:20.19
verbal behaviors, which show
00:25:20.20\00:25:22.49
not only him but
the children again that
00:25:23.17\00:25:26.37
there is not
much respect in this
00:25:26.38\00:25:28.07
household and you
know there is one,
00:25:28.08\00:25:29.76
there's no one
way that's kind of a
00:25:29.77\00:25:32.48
manipulative way,
and I think that is,
00:25:32.49\00:25:34.80
we've counseled with a
couple for a while who,
00:25:35.82\00:25:38.55
when they we are having a lot of
00:25:38.93\00:25:41.16
problems but they were,
00:25:41.17\00:25:43.30
the wife was very fearful of the
00:25:43.87\00:25:45.20
husband's
temper. So what she would
00:25:45.21\00:25:47.48
do is she would
wait till she had him
00:25:47.49\00:25:49.48
in public in
front of other couples
00:25:49.49\00:25:51.46
and then she would
make this cutting joke,
00:25:52.00\00:25:54.52
it was. There you know they
00:25:54.53\00:25:56.05
would laugh at it, but you knew
00:25:56.06\00:25:58.01
there was enough truth in it,
00:25:58.02\00:25:59.12
there was a lot of pain in it,
00:25:59.13\00:26:00.55
and so she kind of
degraded him in public
00:26:01.20\00:26:04.10
and I mean they had
some serious problems,
00:26:04.61\00:26:06.75
but that's also a
very disrespectful
00:26:06.76\00:26:09.09
thing to do. It is one thing
00:26:09.10\00:26:10.89
to cut your
husband down at home,
00:26:10.90\00:26:12.90
but it is an
entirely another subject to
00:26:12.91\00:26:16.31
cut him down in
public. Dr. Dobson calls it,
00:26:16.32\00:26:19.91
assassinate the
spouse, yeah. Whenever we
00:26:19.92\00:26:22.81
are criticized it
hurts, it's a love killer,
00:26:22.82\00:26:27.34
yeah. We do not want
to be in the presence
00:26:27.64\00:26:30.01
of anybody who criticizes us.
00:26:30.02\00:26:32.48
It's deadly to a relation. Well,
00:26:32.49\00:26:35.03
you know what,
our time is nearly
00:26:35.04\00:26:36.40
gone and we got
to hit this third one
00:26:36.41\00:26:37.96
in a hurry,
you've got 45 seconds.
00:26:37.97\00:26:40.15
Tell us about the
third one and that
00:26:40.99\00:26:42.58
is sexual
fulfillment? Yes, it is so
00:26:42.59\00:26:44.71
important to a man, because he
00:26:44.72\00:26:47.00
identifies it
with his masculinity,
00:26:47.01\00:26:49.57
women do not, so
it's a specific need,
00:26:49.92\00:26:53.29
every time a male
performs sexually,
00:26:53.77\00:26:56.10
it's like he is
almost giving himself
00:26:56.11\00:26:58.13
a pat on the
back, that says you're
00:26:58.14\00:27:00.47
okay boy, you're
okay. It's another way that
00:27:00.48\00:27:03.28
he can release
his love for his wife,
00:27:03.29\00:27:06.06
another way of
saying I really love you.
00:27:06.07\00:27:08.84
They don't know
how to communicate
00:27:09.18\00:27:10.51
verbally
sometimes their emotions,
00:27:11.64\00:27:13.52
but they can do it through sex.
00:27:13.53\00:27:15.11
Well, lets recap
what we have gone
00:27:15.12\00:27:16.51
over today, to meet the
00:27:16.52\00:27:17.87
emotional identity,
needs for a wife in a
00:27:17.88\00:27:21.74
marriage. Men,
it's love and affection,
00:27:21.75\00:27:24.19
emotional security
and romantic attention.
00:27:24.20\00:27:27.27
And women for your man,
00:27:27.28\00:27:29.15
it is to meet his needs,
00:27:29.16\00:27:30.86
it's admiration
and appreciation,
00:27:30.87\00:27:32.75
respect and sexual fulfillment.
00:27:32.76\00:27:35.75
Once again, thank you so
00:27:36.05\00:27:37.28
much Nancy Van Pelt we have
00:27:37.29\00:27:39.00
enjoyed having you here,
00:27:39.01\00:27:40.47
it's been my
privilege, a real joy.
00:27:40.48\00:27:42.40
Thank you, and
for those who at home,
00:27:42.41\00:27:44.67
thank you again
for joining with us,
00:27:44.68\00:27:46.75
remember what Jesus said,
00:27:46.76\00:27:48.63
for us to follow this counsel.
00:27:48.64\00:27:50.38
"Wives be
submissive to your husbands.
00:27:50.39\00:27:52.41
Husbands, love your wives."
00:27:52.42\00:27:54.12