Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Nancy Van Pelt
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000208
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00:32 Hello I'm Shelley Quinn and welcome to
00:34 Issues and Answers. We are talking about 00:37 the true love for singles and today 00:40 that is our topic. Is true love, how to 00:43 recognize it, how to obtain it or grow 00:47 into it, and I have a scripture that 00:49 I want to share with you. 00:50 The scripture comes from the love chapter 00:53 in the Bible and that's 1 Corinthians, 00:54 chapter 13 and I'm gonna begin with 00:57 verse 4, I'm reading from the amplified. 01:00 This is God's definition of love, 01:03 love endures long and is patient and kind, 01:06 love never is envious nor boils over 01:09 with jealousy, love is not 01:11 boastful or vainglorious, does not 01:14 display itself haughtily 01:15 It is not conceited; it is not rude 01:19 and it does not act unbecomingly. 01:21 Love, God's love, does not insist on 01:25 its own rights or its own way, 01:27 for it is not self seeking or touchy. 01:31 Love never rejoice at injustice and 01:34 unrighteousness, but rejoices when 01:37 right and truth prevail. Love bears up under 01:41 anything and everything that comes along, 01:44 is ever ready to believe the best of 01:46 every person, its hopes are fadeless under 01:50 all circumstances, and it endures everything. 01:53 Love never fails you see love never fades out 01:57 or becomes obsolete; 01:59 it's not a conditional thing. 02:01 So, what we are going to be doing today is 02:03 talking with someone who has become a 02:06 favorite guest of ours here, I'm talking about 02:08 Nancy Van Pelt who is a certified family 02:10 life counselor and Nancy is the author of 02:14 many books, has traveled around the 02:15 world, and we are just so excited that she 02:18 is back with us again today. 02:19 Nancy, thank you so much for coming. 02:23 Well we're going to be talking today about 02:26 the what is true love, how to recognize it 02:30 and you know there is a mysterious symptoms 02:33 that are kind of come into to play when 02:35 two people are growing into this relationship, 02:40 this bond of true love. Let's talk about those. 02:43 Well it's kind of interesting but people 02:46 want to know do those butterflies in your 02:48 stomach mean that you are really in love. 02:51 And yes, it is one of those symptoms, 02:54 when you feel those icy fingers going up 02:57 and down your spine yes those are 03:00 symptoms but its determining whether 03:03 that's true love or infatuation. 03:06 Yes, but beyond just the icy fingers 03:09 and so forth it scientifically proven 03:13 that when you are falling in love, 03:15 your eyes gets shinier, really, 03:18 because there is more tear production 03:21 and there are other things you walk more 03:25 erectly and you are more open in 03:29 your gestures. People who are 03:31 not in love seem to hold their arms closer 03:36 to their bodies and well even cross 03:38 their arms, keep their heads down, 03:40 they don't smile as much. 03:43 So, there is an openness to people out 03:46 receptivity they call it a yes reaction 03:49 which also tells us that when people say 03:52 they don't have friends and they don't have 03:55 a dating relationship and they think they 03:58 never will, it may be their own reaction 04:02 to life that is keeping people away. 04:05 They're blaming everybody else but 04:08 actually every time you blame anybody else 04:10 you have three fingers pointing back 04:12 at yourself. It's their own 04:13 reaction they purse their lips more, 04:16 no smiling, they take smaller mincing steps 04:20 where as a person who is in love opens up 04:23 more and this is scientifically proven, 04:26 we have more adrenaline raising 04:29 through our system. You know its 04:31 interesting about that the Bible says 04:32 to be a friend, to have a friend, 04:34 you have to be one. 04:35 So, basically what you're saying is that 04:39 even though I mean these are 04:40 characteristics of someone who is in love 04:42 but these are also very attractive 04:44 characteristics, so someone who is not 04:47 "walking in love relationship" 04:50 at that moment, if they are all 04:52 closed off its almost like they are 04:54 closing off the opposite sex to them 04:57 because they are not nearly as attractive. 04:58 Right, and they are closing off their 05:00 possibilities of being attractive to 05:04 the opposite sex. That's interesting, 05:05 that's very interesting, 05:06 so if we are looking at these love symptoms 05:10 and as you said sometimes butterflies 05:12 can be just purely an infatuation 05:14 or attraction, but when you do 05:17 I know that as long as I've been 05:19 married to J.D. if we have been 05:20 separate for any amount of time and 05:23 then we see each other again its just 05:25 like the first time all over you have 05:27 those feelings going through and sometimes 05:29 just we walkout ready for church and 05:31 he just looks extra nice or something and 05:33 you get that feeling going on again, 05:35 so its good to know that, 05:37 that doesn't necessarily go away in 05:39 a marriage relationship, 05:41 but what goes on when people, 05:45 there are people who have unrealistic 05:49 expectations of their mate. 05:51 They kind have this idealistic outlook, 05:54 they think they are perfect. 05:55 They think they are perfect, 05:56 and this was so true in my own case 05:59 when I met Harry, I called him the 06:02 perfect man. I've succeeded 06:04 where all other women on the face of 06:06 this earth had failed. 06:07 I had found the perfect man and 06:10 I idealized him in my brain, 06:13 I took any good qualities he did have 06:16 and idealized them even more. 06:19 If anybody said well you need to look at 06:21 this aspect of this personality 06:24 I wouldn't even listen to it. 06:26 I was so busy idealizing him. 06:29 Well how long do you think this man 06:31 stayed perfect so, that was a rude 06:33 awakening for me after we were married, 06:36 but this is what people do, 06:38 and we'll all idealize prior to the time that 06:41 we are married. It's just a natural 06:43 characteristic apart of falling in love, 06:47 but we can't carry it too far. 06:49 I believe we need to stay in a relationship 06:51 for like two years and the first year, 06:54 a lot of idealization will be going on 06:58 in the relationship, I call it a time of 07:00 masking and but its hard to keep those 07:04 masks on for a long period of time. 07:06 They get hot, they get heavy, 07:09 they begin to slip and its after that first 07:11 year in a relationship where you begin to 07:14 recognize well yeah he is very good looking 07:17 and he is very good with children, 07:19 but I see some evidences that 07:21 he is not financially responsible. 07:23 He spends more money then he earns, 07:26 what is this going to do? 07:27 So, the mask is off now, 07:29 now you look at this person and you can 07:32 rationally think, alright I see 07:35 that he does this; this could turn out 07:36 to be a real negative, 07:38 should I go ahead with this 07:40 relationship or shall I back out. 07:42 Let me ask you something and 07:44 I don't mean to get this off target here 07:46 but as we're talking about this 07:48 idealization, I have a friend 07:51 who is really quite, physically pleasing, 07:56 she is a beautiful woman, 07:57 she is also a beautiful on the inside, 07:59 but unfortunately when she married 08:02 her husband married her as kind of what 08:05 they would call a trophy wife that he 08:08 married her because he thought she was 08:10 the ideal body type, she was the ideal, 08:13 you know everything about her looks 08:17 appealed to him. Now then after 08:20 they married and were married for 08:21 about 12 years, her body type 08:24 began to change, he began to, 08:27 I mean he still had this ideal in his head, 08:30 then he got involved in pornography and 08:34 that is how he I mean, 08:36 let me ask you when we do have this idea 08:41 of what its supposed to be like, we've got this, 08:44 we idolized our mate and they are not living 08:46 up to that what our ideal is, 08:49 we get into some dangerous zones 08:51 don't we. Some very 08:52 dangerous zones and one of these dangerous 08:54 zones is pornography, and it is so prevalent. 08:58 It is so easy to access especially since 09:02 computers came on the scene, 09:05 and people are using internet access to 09:09 porn at work, at home. 09:11 I just heard the other day of a wife who came 09:14 home unexpectedly from an overnight trip, 09:17 she walks into the bedroom and here is her 09:19 husband on the computer looking at pornography 09:23 and her two children are lying on the bed 09:25 just behind him. Oh! It is leading to 09:28 some very serious repercussions and 09:32 pornography is a very, very serious addiction 09:37 that people get into. 09:39 Both male and female can become addicted 09:41 to it, but because God made men more 09:45 visually oriented they have more trouble 09:50 and it just goes directly into 09:52 the brain, and it's so 09:55 addictive that I find that very few men 09:57 can give it up on their own. 09:59 They almost need to go into a 10:01 program to get rid of this habit. 10:05 And this is something with the easy access 10:09 that some people just out of curiosity might 10:11 checkout and then become involved, 10:15 it's titillating they go back again 10:17 and again and find that they do have a serious, 10:20 very serious problem. 10:23 What would you tell someone, 10:26 you see in my mind when I talk with women, 10:29 Jesus said that you have heard he say 10:31 that you should not commit adultery, 10:33 but I say to you that any women who or any 10:36 man who lust after a woman with his eyes 10:40 has already committed adultery. 10:42 So in my mind pornography is 10:45 spiritual adultery, would you agree 10:46 with that? I agree with that, 10:48 I have a seminar that I teach that gets 10:51 into this area of affairs and people tend 10:55 to classify all affairs on the same level, 10:58 but I see them from three 11:00 different avenues. One is an emotional 11:03 affair where no sex is taking place 11:06 but the couple is emotionally bonded, 11:09 so they have a meeting of the minds. 11:11 And a second type of affair is a sexual affair 11:16 and this is where I believe pornography 11:18 comes in because when you open yourself up 11:22 to pornography you are really allowing a 11:26 third party into your relationship, 11:29 that relationship is to be a sacred 11:32 circle around it, exactly, 11:34 not allowing anybody else into that 11:36 relationship, and that's what pornography does. 11:40 Now the third affair that I talk about is a 11:43 sexual and an emotional affair, 11:45 and of course that is where a couple is, 11:48 you know they become bonded outside of 11:52 marriage to somebody who is not 11:54 their partner, they are having 11:55 good sex and they have an emotional connection 11:58 as well, and that's where the most 12:00 serious repercussions come from. 12:02 Okay so kind of jump track just a little bit, 12:05 when go to spacube it still fits in, 12:07 if we're looking for true love and there are 12:11 number of couples out there who believe that 12:13 pornographic materials can improve a 12:16 relationship in order, you know just 12:18 watching and viewing it as a couple and its a 12:21 very destructive, impure and unhealthy 12:25 thing to become involved in. 12:27 But let's go back to here someone is 12:31 feeling the butterflies, they got 12:34 the real you know they really have this 12:36 strong sensation that this is the person, 12:40 maybe they had been through a friendship 12:42 stage casual dating. Now they are 12:44 coming into a more serious dating. 12:45 How do you know as long as you are not 12:49 holding up unrealistic idealization of this 12:51 person how do you know if this is real 12:54 love or its not? It's a process of 12:57 getting to find out and in my book 13:00 Smart Love I talk about 12 ways of evaluating 13:04 a relationship and one is to recognize 13:09 that love takes times, amen, 13:11 and for anybody to say oh! 13:13 I fell in love at first sight is not realistic. 13:17 You may fall in like but people don't say 13:20 that I fell in like at first sight. 13:22 You may like everything that you see about 13:25 that person, they may be physically appealing, 13:27 the right height, the right coloring just 13:30 the way you imagine your true love to be. 13:32 But you still have a long way to go before 13:36 you have found whether you have true love. 13:39 I say that love grows like a tree grows. 13:43 I talked to one woman who got on one of these 13:45 ocean to ocean flights from San Francisco 13:48 to Boston or something like that, 13:50 you know and five hours in the plane 13:52 and she was sat next to a man that she, 13:56 when she get off the plane she said oh! 13:57 I'm so in love with him, 14:00 he is absolutely perfect. 14:01 I know more about him we talked to five hours 14:04 we never stopped, I know more about 14:06 him than I've never known about any 14:08 other man. Well she is probably 14:10 just met up with a sanguine man who opened 14:12 himself up to her, but it is easy to 14:16 talk to somebody you do not know that well. 14:19 Its not that risky, it is more difficult 14:23 to talk to somebody that you have a real 14:25 connection with because there is a risk there, 14:28 there is fear that person could use 14:30 some of the information against you. 14:33 But you cannot tell in five hours whether 14:37 you like this person or love this person. 14:41 Its only time now that's going 14:44 to tell you. Well the other 14:45 thing is that's what I call fantasy 14:47 conversations that a lot of time people 14:50 who are meeting in that kind of an instance 14:51 what they will be doing is just merely sharing 14:54 fantasies about who, now this is what 14:56 I do for my profession and they build 14:58 themselves up just to kind a give their ego 15:01 a little boost for few hours, yes right, 15:03 but then how do you know if it is 15:05 true love. Well as I said 15:09 is a long process of evaluation but in the 15:12 end you got to look at whether you can 15:16 bring that person, are you as 15:18 interested in that person's welfare as you 15:21 are in your own. That is a really 15:24 good definition for love, not some of the 15:29 other silly definitions that you might hear 15:32 because true love is really unselfish love. 15:36 So, anytime you're gratifying your 15:39 own desires primarily, it becomes very 15:43 selfish and true love does not act that way. 15:46 You know now I'm gonna say something 15:48 that I hope I don't get into trouble 15:49 for saying, but one thing 15:51 that I do when I'm counseling with 15:54 young teenage girls is I share something that 15:57 my mother told me that just because a boy says 16:01 I love you, and it doesn't mean 16:06 that he really loves you. 16:07 It may mean that he wants something from 16:10 you that you might not otherwise be willing 16:12 to give him, and I'll tell them sometimes 16:15 boys will say if you love me, 16:18 you would go all the way with me. 16:22 You wouldn't worry about just stopping at 16:24 a kiss but you would go all the way. 16:26 It doesn't matter whether you're a 16:29 teenager or an adult, single again even, 16:32 say you've been married and single again. 16:34 Would you agree that true love will keep 16:40 itself pure and not try to manipulate with 16:43 that type of a comment. Yes and I have a 16:46 whole lesson that I teach is called lines 16:49 guys use and why girls believe them. 16:53 But now they have even the score in this 16:55 day and age, I also have to 16:56 give lines girls are using as well, mercy, 17:00 because that goes both directions. 17:02 But a guy will say that if you love me 17:06 you'll let me. This is the oldest 17:09 line has been used since the beginning of 17:12 time, the girls have to evaluate that. 17:14 When it's all over, what proof will you 17:17 have that he really does love you. 17:20 Chances are he used you and the younger 17:25 a couple is, the more I would say that is true 17:29 because what does two 13 year olds for 17:33 example really know about true love. 17:36 They are trying to meet other needs, 17:40 these are still children yet who have 17:44 not the maturity to evaluate a 17:47 relationship. Well but in a 17:49 mature relationship, lets say this is 17:51 someone who has been married and now 17:53 they are single again, may be both have 17:57 been divorced and they are meeting. 17:59 True love limits physical contact in the 18:05 sense that if you're trying to do this 18:08 God's way and you love someone you're 18:11 willing to wait, would you agree with that? 18:12 I agree with that 100 percent yes, 18:16 but even then two committed Christians 18:19 get so caught up in their own emotions, 18:23 so what we have to do is be, 18:26 make wise choices in where we are going 18:28 and how we are spending our time, yes. 18:31 And single adults have different issues to 18:34 face than teenagers do. I find single adults 18:37 are taking vacations together, 18:39 they are going on cruises together, 18:45 sharing the same room, 18:47 they are camping together, 18:51 sharing the same tent. Oh! 18:53 We stayed in separate sleeping bags. 18:56 Oh! Let us not game play we are not even 19:00 to play with fire, we are not even 19:03 to give the appearance of evil, right. 19:06 I had one couple who were sleeping together 19:11 but not having sex. Now this almost 19:15 sounds silly but that's what they were 19:18 telling me. I said to him 19:19 what is it like to watch her get undressed and 19:23 he said it is awful and tears began. 19:27 She had no idea she was affecting him this way. 19:30 Well guess what the couple who were 19:33 sleeping together but not having sex, 19:35 she got pregnant and then she had 19:38 an abortion, terrible after effects to this 19:41 relationship where they were not 19:43 following God's plan, yes. 19:46 So, true love then we can say is one where 19:50 your concern is for the other persons welfare 19:54 even sometimes above your own, 19:56 and its particularly when it comes to 19:59 the sexual intimacy and avoiding premarital sex, 20:05 say if it's the man and he really loves you 20:07 and he knows that this is, you both 20:09 discussed this is important that even 20:11 though his desires may be strong, 20:13 he will not try in any way to coerce you 20:16 into that and may be perhaps and I've heard 20:18 cases of this where both couple or both 20:22 individuals of the couple have agreed not 20:25 to have sex and then one gives in and says 20:27 it may be the female come and say I'm ready 20:30 and he is saying no I know this is important 20:32 we discussed it and he you know his head 20:35 say even though this was what I wanted 20:38 at the moment because I loved her 20:40 I knew what that would do to her later. 20:42 So, its something they should discuss 20:44 together, and make sure that one or the 20:47 other is gonna be strong in all times. 20:48 You do that by not making provision for 20:51 the flesh avoiding these opportunities. 20:53 But now also true love how would you say is 20:58 there a way when you get around family and 21:00 friends that you can test whether 21:03 your relationship is true love. 21:05 Yes its kind of interesting that they 21:08 say that if your family and friends approve 21:12 it's a good sign, yes, and they can see 21:16 things in a potential partner that we cannot 21:20 since they are not emotionally involved, 21:23 and if your friends and family disapprove 21:28 they say to really be careful which in 21:32 especially young people will say well 21:36 I'm not marrying him, I'm not marrying his 21:39 family I'm only marrying him. 21:41 No we cannot separate a marital partner 21:44 from their family and we don't recognize 21:47 that sometimes before we are married but 21:51 there are holidays that come after we're going 21:54 to be thrown together and if that person does 21:57 not approve, it can have lasting 21:59 repercussions through all the years to come. 22:02 Oh! Absolutely, and you know one thing 22:04 I always tell people is if you hear your parents 22:08 or your family is saying or your friends 22:11 saying he is not for you or she is not 22:13 for you, you bet its hard to hear 22:15 that if you think you are in love, 22:17 but you better stop and really examine carefully 22:22 and its much better to suffer a small 22:25 heartache now than it would be to marry 22:27 the wrong person, and have to suffer 22:30 heartache the rest of your life because 22:31 I can't tell you how often I've heard 22:34 someone say if only I had listened to my 22:37 mother, if only I had listened to my 22:38 best friend she said this is not the right 22:42 person for you, so that's very, 22:44 very important. How do you feel 22:47 about true love if you are really in love 22:52 with someone? Do you see them 22:54 as we were talking earlier as just being 22:56 this ideal and you see them as faultless, 22:59 or it's that someone who is just totally 23:01 infatuated? Does real love 23:03 recognize the faults of others? 23:05 Real love when you get to a certain point, 23:07 real love will recognize the fault. 23:09 Now you will always idealize to a point 23:13 but you'll get to the place where you are 23:16 a little bit better at evaluating the 23:19 real person underneath, 23:21 but it's not going to happen soon, 23:23 you again have to get pass that first year 23:26 of dating before you begin to see any 23:29 of these faults at all. 23:31 And when you do see those faults, 23:34 is it something that true love is gonna 23:38 say okay, I see this in him, 23:41 but I can live with it. It should but even 23:48 then there are so many variables to this 23:51 that this, what we are talking 23:53 about right now is really one of the most 23:56 difficult areas, how can a person tell. 24:00 You know I'm going to invent a thermometer 24:03 that you can put in your mouth and take 24:07 your temperature to a certain degree and if it 24:09 measures to a certain degree it means that 24:12 you have found true love. 24:13 Until I get that thermometer invented 24:17 I can make a lot of money of that 24:19 thermometer, yeah, but until then we have 24:21 to use our heads and look at the entire 24:24 relationship, not just one factor 24:27 but all of the factors. I tell people that 24:31 if they find one red flag area, 24:33 one area where they are not well matched 24:37 to take a real careful look about going ahead. 24:42 If they find a second area, 24:44 you're going through a caution right now 24:47 because three major problems to over come 24:50 in a relationship is almost more than any 24:54 couple can do. Well you know 24:56 I think that's some wise counsel, 24:59 and by my last question when I was asking 25:01 if you look at a, let me restate it this way. 25:05 If someone can recognize the fault in 25:09 another person and say I can live 25:11 without trying to change it. 25:13 It's a better sign than saying, 25:16 okay I can marry him or her but I'll change 25:20 her because that's not real love is it? 25:23 That is not love; love does not act that way. 25:26 Love does not try to manipulate another 25:30 person, and when we try to change 25:32 another person we get into nagging, 25:35 fault finding, criticism, blame God. 25:39 Yes, what does this do to a relationship? 25:43 None of us want to be married to somebody 25:46 who is going to criticize us or find 25:48 faults or try to change us. 25:50 We want to be married to somebody who will 25:53 accept us just the way we are, 25:56 that's what God does. 25:58 He may not always like everything that 26:01 we do but we can always be assured of his love 26:05 and this is the way we need to do with a 26:07 partner after we are married. 26:09 Before we are married, 26:11 the world is wide open to us, 26:13 we have unlimited possibilities 26:15 for marriage. But after we 26:18 are married, we have to 26:20 live within the confined of what 26:22 that person can offer us, 26:24 and we cannot try to change them 26:26 at that point. So we've got 26:30 to do any changing that needs to be done, 26:32 needs to be done before the wedding 26:34 takes place not afterwards. 26:37 Or just in recognizing that it is something 26:39 that if its not too bad that you can live 26:42 with it, I can live with it, or wait 26:44 and hope that you can just say okay 26:47 Lord he is your son you deal with him 26:48 because it is going to be him and God 26:51 working together or the female 26:53 and God working together. 26:54 You know we are running out of time in 26:56 a real hurry here and it just, 26:58 I feel like we've just barely touched on 27:00 this topic. How can you 27:02 know if its true love? 27:03 Well first of all true love is unselfish, 27:06 it is something that people when you really 27:10 love someone you want what's best for them, 27:12 not just what's best for you. 27:14 And if its true love you are going to 27:16 accept that person as they are, 27:18 and not that you are going to marry them 27:20 and change them. True love is 27:22 something that your family ought to be 27:24 approving of and see take for grant, 27:26 now don't take for granted, 27:28 but take advantage of what other people think 27:30 of you relationship. These are just 27:32 a few things, I tell you what 27:33 it went by way too fast you got to come 27:35 back again Nancy Van Pelt thank you so 27:38 very much, and I want to thank all of you 27:42 for joining us and I pray that you'll go 27:46 back to 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 regards 27:50 definition of love because that's the 27:51 only way you gonna know if its true. |
Revised 2014-12-17