Hello, I'm Shelly Quinn,
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and welcome to
another Issues and Answers.
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I've got a question for you
today: are you fit to be tied?
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Well, if you're single,
we want you to stay tuned,
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or if you know a single, or
want to give some good advice
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to a single, stay tuned
and learn about smart love
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for singles, because our
topic today is going to be
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"Getting Fit to be Tied".
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Let me share a scripture
with you, and it comes from
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1 Corinthians
13:11. I'm going to read
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from the Amplified Version.
This is Paul speaking, he says:
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"When I was a child,
I talked like a child,"
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"I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child;"
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"but now that I have become
a man," - or mature adult -
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"I am done with childish
things and have put them away. "
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Well here today to talk with
us about putting childish things
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away and really as a mature
adult being fit to be tied
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in matrimony, the holy bonds
of matrimony, is Nancy Van Pelt.
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Nancy, thank you so much
for joining us again today.
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I'm delighted to
be here, thank you.
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Well, we're
delighted to have you.
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Nancy has written 28
books, she's talked and given
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over 1000 seminars and
she's traveled 55 countries,
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soon to be 57. That's right.
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Where are you going? I'm
going to Nigeria and Nepal.
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Wow, well you've been pretty
much around the world then.
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I have, it's been
fun too. I'm sure it has.
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Let's talk about our topic,
and just jump right into this.
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How do we go about evaluating
if we are mature enough
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to enter into a
life union, a marriage?
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I like what you just said
because you were talking about
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evaluating yourself, whether
you are ready to be married.
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Most people don't think
of themselves as whether
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"I'm ready to be
married", they're busy looking
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at the other person,
and you need to do that too.
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I tell people sometimes,
when particularly, it seems like
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young women will
come up to me and say:
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"I am praying for the perfect
husband, and I'm praying"
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"that God will prepare
a man for me. " And I say:
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"Uh, you pray that God will
prepare you to be the perfect"
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"wife for someone, and then let
God prepare the man for you",
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because we do need to
have that focus on ourselves.
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Not that, as we said, we should
evaluate the other person,
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but it needs to begin
with us. It is much harder
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than ever before, to
find a really healthy person,
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because so many people
nowadays have been raised
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in dysfunctional homes.
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Now I kind of hate to
use that word "dysfunctional"
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because it's almost a word
that is in vogue and everybody's
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using it. The truth is
we are all dysfunctional
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because we are here
on this sin-filled Earth,
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but it's the degree to
which we were raised and live
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our lives in the
dysfunctional manner.
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And certainly, some people
are much more dysfunctional
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than others due to
the home background that
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they were raised in. But
those who were raised under
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an alcoholic home, for
example, or drug users,
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or where there was abuse,
emotional or sexual abuse,
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these are people that are
going to have problems that need
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to be worked
through as they are adults.
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They may have addictive
tendencies, and if you have
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an addiction in one area,
the chances are, you're going to
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have several more addictions.
So you handle one, and then
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pretty soon you find that
you have another one to handle.
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And all of this needs to be
looked at before we get married.
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So, if you're examining yourself
to see if there's some type
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of addictive behavior
that you have, and you know,
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you can be
addicted to a lot of things
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- even to the approval of man,
instead of the approval of God.
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If you have those insecurities,
and you have addictions,
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and you're looking at
your own life, I mean,
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that's where we've got to
begin, it's with ourselves.
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But how do you spot
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serious
dysfunctions in another person?
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Through this testing that I
have been talking about before,
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this "Prepare" test would be one
of the best ways of spotting it.
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But another recommendation...
Just a second, before you go
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forward there,
explain to our listeners
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what the Prepare test is.
Alright.The Prepare test is done
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in several different
forms. It's called Prepare.
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If you are never
married it's called Prepare MC.
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If you have been previously
married and have children,
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it's called Prepare CC.
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If you are in a "live together"
relationship with somebody,
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and may, if you
are over the age of 50.
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So we have these different
versions, they're administrated
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by pastors, and it can
tell you within 86% accuracy
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whether you will go
through a divorce or not.
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So pastors, or a
mental health counselor,
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family counselor can
give this test. Yes, Uh huh.
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Okay, so that's one way,
but how's another way that
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you can spot
dysfunction in someone.
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I recommend that everybody
go through a "12 Step Program".
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I think a 12 step
program, and regardless of which
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branch of program
you might go through,
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will tell you a
lot about yourself.
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It gets into evaluating
your character traits.
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In a 12 step program,
you have to go back and work
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through your childhood area,
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your area as a young adult,
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as an adult. It is more thorough
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in evaluating your
character and who you are,
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than any other
thing that I, personally,
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have ever been through, and
it will do a lot to make you
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wake up to who you are.
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Of course, it's easier and a
lot less expensive than going
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through counseling, but
if you know that you have had
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an alcoholic mother or father,
drug abuse, any of these serious
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abuse issues, you need to
go through some kind of help.
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Now, that may be
professional counseling
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and a mental health
worker of some kind.
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It can be gotten that
way, to find out who you are.
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And there are many excellent
self-help books out there.
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You know, I don't think a person
should just sit back and say:
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"Oh, God, do something
about me. I'm a mess, fix me. "
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God expects us also to
use the resources that we have
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at our fingertips. So there are
many areas. Oh boy, have I got
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a scripture for that,
Romans 8:13 says that if we live
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by the flesh, we will
die, but if by the power
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of the Holy Spirit we put to
death the misdeeds of the flesh,
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we will live.
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So that scripture shows that we
really can't change ourselves,
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Jeremiah 13:23 says that
we can't change ourselves more
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than an Ethiopian can change his
skin, or a leopard his spots,
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but it also shows that God's
not going to change us without
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our cooperation. He says: If
by the power of the Holy Spirit,
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it's only by His power,
that we can put to death.
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So it's that cooperative effort,
we do have to make an effort.
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So, going through a 12
step program, if you know you're
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coming from a
dysfunctional background,
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that can be very beneficial
for you, but what about, I mean,
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if I'm out on the dating market,
and perhaps I've had a friend.
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And we've just been friends
within a circle of friends,
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we've just started some
casual dating and we're going
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into a little more of a
serious dating relationship,
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an exclusive
dating relationship.
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How do I recognize in
that person, if he's still
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wearing a mask, how do I
recognize some dysfunctions?
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Are there some telltale signs?
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There are some telltale signs,
and they're listed in my book
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"Smart Love', and I've had women
say: "Nancy, if I had read"
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"this book before I got married,
I wouldn't be in a divorce"
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"situation now. " But there are
some things that you can look at
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Is this person extremely
jealous? Danger signal!
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Is he a
Hypochondriac? Danger signal!
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Does he have an anger
problem? Danger signal!
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Is he ridden by phobias
and fears? Danger signal!
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So we can look at some of
these things, but they don't
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evidence themselves early in
a relationship because people
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do this masking, and we
need to get beyond those masks.
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I believe these masks
can be in place and secure,
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for up to a year. But
masks get hot and heavy,
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and they begin to slip
after a year of dating.
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So get past that first
year of dating, then take
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the second year to
evaluate carefully;
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how does he spend his money?
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Is he going to be a
good financial manager?
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What kind of background is
he from? Because maybe you have
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worked to get yourself
healthy, maybe you come from
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a dysfunctional background,
but you want to make sure
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that he also has
worked through his issues.
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You see, once a couple get
married, we have two people
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in the boat. And if one's
rocking the boat, we still need
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one person to
stabilize the boat,
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but if both
people are unhealthy,
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we're not going to
have anybody to stabilize.
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Self-esteem is another
major issue that I tell people
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to look at, in fact, I
think it is one of the critical
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areas that you must look at.
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How healthy is this
person's self-esteem?
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If you've done your work
and you have been through
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the grief process, and you've
been through a 12 step program,
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and you are healthy, then
you've got to make sure that
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the other person that you are
marrying is emotionally healthy.
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Either that, or I hope you're
going to be a doctor or a nurse,
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because you're going to spend
24 hours a day nursing care.
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But in a relationship we want
somebody to nurse our hurts,
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and our wounds once in a while,
and a person without healthy
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self-esteem isn't
capable of doing that.
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They will take,
and take, and take,
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but never be able to give back.
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And you are using the
male pronoun "he, "he", "he",
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but it can be "she",
she", "she", too, and, you know,
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there's sometimes that I've
counseled with a number of men,
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and my husband I, I've counseled
with him, who were involved
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with a woman, who, perhaps,
they said: "Oh, she needs me"
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"so much", and they were
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actually drawn to
this kind of clinging
00:11:23.99\00:11:26.88
vine type personality at first.
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Until, when they
married, and suddenly
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they wanted them to be
able to be a help mate,
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and not just someone
who needed them so much,
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or always a Hypochondriac to,
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maybe, control what was
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happening in the
family situation.
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It's a difficult thing that, I
think the most important advice
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you can give to someone who's
thinking about marrying someone,
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is to say: "Okay,
can you live with this"
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"for the rest of your life?"
and not think you're going
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to change them, because only
God and that person can work
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together to change themselves.
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And people don't try to think
of changing prior to the time
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that they are
married. I'm thinking,
00:12:07.78\00:12:11.08
when I met Harry, he
was absolutely perfect!
00:12:12.03\00:12:14.93
I have letters that I wrote him
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at the time, telling him
how perfect he was. Now how long
00:12:17.20\00:12:20.64
did this man stay perfect? Well,
probably right up until the
00:12:20.68\00:12:24.09
"I do's" were said,
and then I went into my
00:12:24.12\00:12:27.12
"remake Harry" mode,
00:12:27.15\00:12:28.94
and what happens to
a relationship after
00:12:28.98\00:12:32.16
a wife begins
that - the nagging,
00:12:32.49\00:12:34.63
the complaining,
the fault finding?
00:12:34.66\00:12:36.73
The relationship
goes downhill in a hurry.
00:12:36.77\00:12:39.38
So we don't talk about it before
marriage, but after marriage,
00:12:39.66\00:12:42.93
in my marriage seminar,
I spend one whole lesson,
00:12:43.14\00:12:46.48
or 2 hours, teaching people
how to accept the other person
00:12:46.52\00:12:50.68
at face value.
00:12:50.74\00:12:52.42
But that needs to
be thought of prior
00:12:52.46\00:12:54.38
to the time that we get married.
We can't change that person.
00:12:54.42\00:12:58.10
And, especially a
man, doesn't want a mother.
00:12:58.51\00:13:01.32
You know, it's funny
that you said that about Harry
00:13:01.52\00:13:03.59
because with JD and I,
00:13:03.62\00:13:06.12
he was a true commitment phobic,
00:13:06.47\00:13:09.10
and you've probably dealt
with some of those in the past,
00:13:09.14\00:13:11.41
so what he did
in our relationship,
00:13:11.61\00:13:14.48
he did not try to, he
showed me his very worse side.
00:13:14.69\00:13:18.60
He didn't do anything
to, as the world says:
00:13:18.63\00:13:22.34
"Wine and dine
you". He had done that
00:13:22.37\00:13:23.94
with all these other
women, but because he knew I was
00:13:23.98\00:13:26.25
the real thing, and he
really wanted to marry me,
00:13:26.29\00:13:28.49
it was kind of like he did
everything he could to make sure
00:13:28.53\00:13:31.35
that it wouldn't happen
if I wouldn't accept him.
00:13:31.39\00:13:34.60
And so, it was kind of
pleasant. Once we got married
00:13:34.94\00:13:37.94
it was better than
before. That's unusual.
00:13:37.97\00:13:40.92
It is unusual, but I knew
him well before we married.
00:13:40.96\00:13:44.22
But now, let me ask you, because
I hear so many young adults
00:13:44.26\00:13:49.16
say that what they want to do
to make sure that they're right
00:13:49.19\00:13:54.06
for each other, is that
they want to live together
00:13:54.09\00:13:57.45
for a while and
test this relationship,
00:13:57.48\00:14:00.15
and see if that's right. What
advice could give to, perhaps,
00:14:00.19\00:14:04.62
some of our viewers who
are thinking about moving
00:14:04.65\00:14:07.33
in together to see if
they're right for marriage?
00:14:07.36\00:14:10.01
This has been one of the
greatest social phenomena
00:14:10.25\00:14:13.40
that has taken place,
particularly in America,
00:14:13.44\00:14:16.56
although America is
not the only country
00:14:16.92\00:14:19.71
- Sweden, is another
very secular society.
00:14:19.91\00:14:24.10
What they don't recognize,
couples who live together,
00:14:24.28\00:14:27.05
is they are actually sabotaging
00:14:27.08\00:14:29.45
the possibility of
having a healthy relationship.
00:14:29.78\00:14:33.77
That is, in addition to the fact
00:14:33.80\00:14:35.76
that it is not part pf God's
plan for us prior to the time
00:14:36.00\00:14:39.67
that we are married. But
there are seven major studies
00:14:39.70\00:14:43.42
that show that relationships,
couples, who live together
00:14:43.46\00:14:47.37
before they are married
have a higher rate of break-up.
00:14:47.40\00:14:51.28
In America it's 50% higher,
in Canada it's 54% higher,
00:14:51.43\00:14:56.89
and in Sweden it's 80% higher
divorce rates when a couple
00:14:57.02\00:15:01.37
live together.
00:15:01.40\00:15:02.70
You know something that
is so funny,I tell people:
00:15:02.74\00:15:05.31
"You don't know somebody truly"
00:15:05.34\00:15:07.40
"until you marry them. "
And you see so many times people
00:15:07.44\00:15:10.73
who've lived together
for a year, or two years,
00:15:10.76\00:15:12.92
and then they get married, and
they think by living together
00:15:12.96\00:15:15.95
they've learned who that
person is, and then they get
00:15:15.98\00:15:18.52
married and they're like:
00:15:18.55\00:15:19.86
"Who is this person that
I've married?" because, really,
00:15:19.91\00:15:24.14
I guess for all of us
there's some sort of camouflage
00:15:24.17\00:15:28.33
that goes on until that final
"I do" and then it comes off.
00:15:28.37\00:15:32.39
We might use that term
"masking" again. You see,
00:15:33.07\00:15:35.53
when you're married, you
can't get out of it without
00:15:35.56\00:15:37.99
going through a divorce.
00:15:38.02\00:15:40.23
Now actually, they
have what they call
00:15:40.29\00:15:41.97
the "Honeymoon
phase", the "glow"
00:15:42.00\00:15:44.47
that will last about 6
weeks, but then you begin
00:15:44.62\00:15:47.95
to let your guard down.
But with a couple now who
00:15:47.98\00:15:51.58
is living together, you
stay on your best behavior
00:15:51.61\00:15:55.23
maybe for a little
longer period of time because
00:15:55.27\00:15:58.82
that person could dump you
at any point, but eventually,
00:15:58.86\00:16:03.48
the real you will come out
00:16:03.51\00:16:05.83
and you may not like what you
are seeing in the other person.
00:16:06.17\00:16:09.64
Yet, it's hard
to get out of these
00:16:09.81\00:16:12.19
live-together relationships.
00:16:12.42\00:16:14.63
They also find that there
is more abuse - [host] Really?
00:16:16.35\00:16:21.18
Yes, more abuse, more alcoholism
00:16:21.21\00:16:24.47
more drug abuse, in
live-together relationships.
00:16:24.70\00:16:28.59
And again, I
think a lot of women
00:16:28.76\00:16:31.90
do it for desperation.
00:16:32.00\00:16:33.70
Alright, let's look for
a moment now why women want
00:16:34.07\00:16:36.45
a live-together
relationship and why men do.
00:16:36.48\00:16:40.05
We come up with two separate
reasons: women do it because
00:16:40.09\00:16:44.54
they are hoping that this will
lead to a permanent relationship
00:16:44.65\00:16:48.14
or to marriage.
00:16:48.17\00:16:49.53
But you know what
men say? I get sex,
00:16:49.57\00:16:52.43
when I want it, how I
want it, and it's safe sex.
00:16:52.47\00:16:55.95
Men are doing it to
avoid that commitment.
00:16:58.36\00:17:00.99
Yes, and men are
getting all the advantages,
00:17:01.03\00:17:03.59
and women are paying the
price, and they're not smart
00:17:03.63\00:17:06.91
enough to hold out
until they are married
00:17:06.94\00:17:10.27
and follow God's word.
00:17:10.30\00:17:12.14
Well, certainly, living
together is no insurance against
00:17:12.18\00:17:15.63
a divorce, should you
once then decide to marry.
00:17:15.66\00:17:18.14
Is there any divorce insurance?
00:17:18.17\00:17:20.14
The best divorce insurance
that's out there, is a required
00:17:21.61\00:17:26.01
waiting time prior to the time
00:17:26.04\00:17:28.33
that a couple get married,
00:17:28.36\00:17:30.58
and I believe that our
churches should be insisting
00:17:30.62\00:17:34.13
that a couple wait
close to several months,
00:17:34.26\00:17:38.54
maybe even as much as 6 months.
00:17:38.64\00:17:40.98
She may be
pregnant, she... you know,
00:17:41.58\00:17:43.88
there may be a lot of reasons
for rushing through this.
00:17:43.92\00:17:46.62
There's a time period where
00:17:47.07\00:17:49.13
I believe they should
be going into intensive
00:17:49.17\00:17:51.77
premarital guidance,
and following a curriculum,
00:17:52.10\00:17:56.10
meeting with their
pastor or a pastoral couple,
00:17:56.14\00:18:00.11
a counselor of some kind
00:18:00.17\00:18:02.43
who is trained in this,
to go through these issues.
00:18:02.47\00:18:05.72
The best divorce insurance,
of course, is going to be
00:18:05.92\00:18:08.76
this prepare
test that I mentioned,
00:18:08.79\00:18:11.86
that can actually evaluate
00:18:12.02\00:18:14.21
the relationship,
in black and white,
00:18:14.25\00:18:16.95
making sure that
the couple is ready?
00:18:16.99\00:18:19.66
Can you cheat on that test?
00:18:19.69\00:18:21.25
I don't think you
can cheat on this test.
00:18:21.29\00:18:23.44
And what would be the
advantage of cheating?
00:18:23.48\00:18:25.60
You're only fooling yourself
and ruining your chances.
00:18:25.75\00:18:29.57
And then afterwards
there's a mentor couple
00:18:29.60\00:18:34.21
that would be
great to work with.
00:18:34.39\00:18:36.62
Now let me recommend
that the mentor couple
00:18:36.66\00:18:38.86
not be a pastoral
couple. I'll tell you why,
00:18:39.03\00:18:42.61
because if anybody has to
be on their good behavior,
00:18:42.65\00:18:45.21
it's the pastor and
his wife at all times.
00:18:45.24\00:18:47.88
So let me make sure I understand
what you're saying is that
00:18:47.92\00:18:52.10
if you've gone through this
prepare test, that most pastors
00:18:52.14\00:18:56.36
and family counselors can
give you this test and if those
00:18:56.39\00:19:00.58
results are good
then you may go forward,
00:19:00.61\00:19:03.01
if they're not good
then you probably want to go
00:19:03.44\00:19:05.68
for counseling and
straighten these issues out
00:19:05.71\00:19:07.92
before you get married.
But once you're married,
00:19:08.15\00:19:10.95
you're saying now you
need to have a mentor couple,
00:19:10.98\00:19:13.75
and don't choose
the pastor and his wife.
00:19:13.89\00:19:15.78
I'm saying before you get
married you have a mentor couple
00:19:15.82\00:19:21.04
who have been
married for a few years,
00:19:21.36\00:19:23.61
and you can talk over
real issues with them.
00:19:23.78\00:19:27.08
How have they worked it out?
00:19:27.11\00:19:29.22
And this is another
excellent piece of advice,
00:19:29.38\00:19:32.77
so if a couple were
doing all of these things,
00:19:32.80\00:19:36.16
they would enter
marriage intelligently.
00:19:36.92\00:19:39.83
Right now, we have no
intelligent way of preparing
00:19:40.26\00:19:44.23
people for marriage.
00:19:44.59\00:19:46.58
Even a drivers license you
have to study a booklet for,
00:19:46.62\00:19:49.93
and you have to take an
eye test, and you have to do
00:19:49.97\00:19:53.21
several things, but for marriage
we require hardly anything
00:19:53.25\00:19:57.93
of a couple before
this. It's foolishness!
00:19:57.96\00:20:00.55
Yes it is foolishness.
00:20:00.58\00:20:02.13
Well, what are some of the
things that you would think are
00:20:02.17\00:20:04.10
the best ways to select a mate,
or what's to look for in a mate?
00:20:04.14\00:20:08.72
One of the best ways
of evaluating a person,
00:20:09.02\00:20:12.85
and without knowing anything
about them, you need to know
00:20:12.89\00:20:17.29
about their home background.
00:20:17.32\00:20:19.51
How was this person raised?
00:20:19.83\00:20:22.57
The healthier that their
mother and father were in their
00:20:22.88\00:20:27.82
relationship when
they were growing up,
00:20:27.85\00:20:29.90
the higher the
chances are that this person
00:20:30.24\00:20:33.92
will be a healthy
person. But the more issues that
00:20:33.96\00:20:38.18
this person grew up
with, a single parent, abuse,
00:20:38.21\00:20:42.40
multiple divorces, all of
these things are now going
00:20:43.15\00:20:46.87
to rise to haunt this person.
Another issue that this person
00:20:46.91\00:20:51.53
has to work through. So
the happier that person's
00:20:51.97\00:20:56.27
mother and father were,
they start out with an advantage
00:20:56.31\00:21:00.33
right off the bat. Then
there are many other things
00:21:00.37\00:21:02.94
that you need to
look at, but just look
00:21:02.97\00:21:05.30
at how were they
raised? That's the big issue.
00:21:05.34\00:21:08.99
Well, now I'm going to have to
take issue on that a little bit,
00:21:09.17\00:21:12.46
and that is to say that
there's exceptions to every rule
00:21:12.49\00:21:15.81
because when I
first met my husband,
00:21:15.84\00:21:18.66
he was working on his
doctorate in Psychology,
00:21:20.17\00:21:22.59
and when he first
met my family he said:
00:21:22.70\00:21:24.96
"They threw away the book. "
00:21:25.59\00:21:27.51
My mother had been married
multiple time, manic depressive,
00:21:27.55\00:21:32.48
I had an abusive alcoholic
step-father and then she became
00:21:32.56\00:21:36.13
an alcoholic, she was
not abusive, but she became
00:21:36.16\00:21:39.11
an alcoholic as well.
And I came from an incredibly
00:21:39.14\00:21:42.63
dysfunctional family and
was one of those who had that
00:21:42.66\00:21:46.34
exaggerated sense of
responsibility, and very mature
00:21:46.37\00:21:49.98
at a very young age. Now, it did
affect my sister differently,
00:21:50.02\00:21:53.19
she falls into that
category you're talking about,
00:21:53.23\00:21:56.24
so there are individual
circumstances, but surely,
00:21:56.27\00:21:59.25
one thing that my mother
always told me, Nancy, was:
00:21:59.48\00:22:02.34
"Make sure that the man you're
thinking of marrying has a good"
00:22:02.40\00:22:05.91
"relationship with his mother,
because if he doesn't treat"
00:22:05.95\00:22:09.43
"her well, then
you've got problems. "
00:22:09.46\00:22:12.26
That's right, and so,
you need to see this person
00:22:12.30\00:22:15.87
with their family, if
their family is anywhere
00:22:15.90\00:22:19.44
to be around; how do
they relate to their family?
00:22:19.65\00:22:23.38
What kind of sex attitudes
did this person grow up with?
00:22:23.43\00:22:27.43
Is there any
strong aversion to sex,
00:22:27.46\00:22:30.78
and who was the
primary sex educator?
00:22:30.82\00:22:34.11
How happy was their mother?
00:22:35.56\00:22:37.56
How happy was
the person's father?
00:22:37.60\00:22:39.55
All of these are
issues that are going
00:22:39.58\00:22:41.50
to come to play in marriage.
00:22:41.53\00:22:43.72
You know, this is something
that as Christians we believe
00:22:43.86\00:22:46.67
that you should not
have sex before marriage,
00:22:46.87\00:22:49.19
which the Bible
is very clear about,
00:22:49.33\00:22:51.58
but I remember my
pastor when I was very young,
00:22:51.81\00:22:55.39
he and his wife, as
I grew into an adult
00:22:55.42\00:22:59.38
and I was involved in
part-time ministry, I became
00:22:59.42\00:23:02.54
very good friends with them,
and they talked very openly
00:23:02.58\00:23:04.94
when I was single and
thinking about getting married,
00:23:04.97\00:23:07.30
they talked very openly
with me and they'd had a lot
00:23:07.63\00:23:10.87
of horrible problems in their
marriage, which never showed,
00:23:10.91\00:23:14.97
none of us knew that, but they
were basically living together
00:23:15.26\00:23:19.27
till the
children got old enough to
00:23:19.30\00:23:21.81
go off to college,
and then they were able
00:23:22.51\00:23:24.76
to salvage their
marriage. But the issue was that
00:23:24.80\00:23:27.70
the Christian home in
which he was brought up,
00:23:28.04\00:23:29.82
his mother was the sex educator
00:23:29.85\00:23:32.08
and she taught him that sex
was dirty, that it was nasty,
00:23:32.24\00:23:36.65
and so that was their main
problem in their relationship,
00:23:36.90\00:23:41.26
is that he had an
aversion against this.
00:23:41.29\00:23:44.25
And he had to eventually
face this and go to counseling.
00:23:44.33\00:23:48.16
So there's so many different
things that come into play here,
00:23:48.20\00:23:51.40
aren't there? There
are many different things,
00:23:51.69\00:23:53.53
and this type of an aversion,
or poor background is going
00:23:53.57\00:23:57.62
to come into play with a
person perhaps thinking of sex
00:23:57.66\00:24:01.68
as something ugly, or dirty
00:24:01.71\00:24:04.28
and not as the beautiful gift
00:24:04.31\00:24:06.81
that God has given
to husband and wife.
00:24:06.85\00:24:09.54
And I do stake a very
strong stand about no sex prior
00:24:09.58\00:24:13.90
to the time that we are
married. You have to look
00:24:13.94\00:24:17.55
at the word "virgin"
to really understand this.
00:24:17.59\00:24:21.17
When you look at the word
"virgin" in the dictionary,
00:24:21.51\00:24:24.40
it talks about
purity and chastity;
00:24:24.43\00:24:28.42
and it mentions a
person of either sex.
00:24:28.45\00:24:32.38
So this isn't something
that's only required of females.
00:24:32.42\00:24:35.67
God wants both male and
female to be sexually pure,
00:24:36.01\00:24:40.91
which gets into some other areas
00:24:41.14\00:24:43.21
which are
questionable sexual activities.
00:24:43.25\00:24:46.09
A lot of people are thinking
that they can do certain things
00:24:46.13\00:24:49.88
and they still are not
part of God's plan for our life.
00:24:50.24\00:24:54.80
Did you know that 39 times
in scripture, God speaks against
00:24:54.83\00:24:59.36
sexual activity prior to
the time that we are married.
00:24:59.39\00:25:03.46
This is a very strong message
that He's trying to give to us.
00:25:03.64\00:25:07.64
And single's are having
big problems with this. Why?
00:25:07.67\00:25:11.82
Because they've been married
previously, they're not used
00:25:11.86\00:25:15.31
to a dating relationship
where some place along the line
00:25:15.35\00:25:18.77
you can express romantic
affection for the other person,
00:25:19.14\00:25:22.90
but you're supposed to
call a halt. Where is this line?
00:25:23.03\00:25:26.37
Where should we be
calling a halt? Big issues!
00:25:26.40\00:25:29.64
But I also feel that this is one
of the big issues why there's
00:25:29.68\00:25:34.29
a higher divorce rate the
second and third time around.
00:25:34.32\00:25:37.80
Stats show us that about
95% of singles do engage in
00:25:38.17\00:25:42.97
sexual activity prior to
the time that they are married.
00:25:43.01\00:25:47.78
Now you're talking singles,
people who are single again
00:25:48.05\00:25:52.04
and have been
previously married.
00:25:52.07\00:25:53.97
Because - even among Christians?
Even among Christians -
00:25:54.11\00:25:57.89
which affects the divorce rate.
00:25:58.06\00:26:00.47
I believe the closer
we come to God's pattern,
00:26:00.51\00:26:03.98
the closer we follow God's
rules, the better and higher
00:26:04.86\00:26:08.82
our chances are going to be.
00:26:08.85\00:26:11.09
And the living together business
is not part of God's plan.
00:26:11.69\00:26:16.34
You know when you were
saying how people don't know
00:26:16.59\00:26:19.78
if they've been accustomed to,
00:26:19.81\00:26:22.22
when they are romantically
involved with someone,
00:26:22.50\00:26:24.96
if they've been married
and they're accustomed to that
00:26:25.00\00:26:27.25
they don't know how to
go into a new relationship
00:26:27.39\00:26:29.95
and once it becomes
a serious relationship,
00:26:30.21\00:26:32.51
express that romantic intimacy
with one another without
00:26:32.55\00:26:37.69
going beyond that
place that is acceptable
00:26:37.84\00:26:41.10
in God's eyes
for unmarried people.
00:26:41.20\00:26:44.15
I thought of the scripture
in Romans 13:14 that talks about
00:26:44.60\00:26:48.27
making no provision for
the flesh, put off the old [?],
00:26:48.30\00:26:51.68
clothe yourself with Jesus;
make no provision for the flesh
00:26:51.71\00:26:55.06
because the
only way, if that is,
00:26:55.09\00:26:58.30
and boy I've talked with a
lot of people here who'll say:
00:26:58.50\00:27:01.61
"we never intended
to, we agreed we weren't"
00:27:01.64\00:27:04.11
"going to do
this, but you know,"
00:27:04.14\00:27:06.26
"it was just late and
we'd had a nice dinner"
00:27:06.30\00:27:09.23
"and we were cozied up
by the fire all alone,"
00:27:09.27\00:27:12.34
"and the music was
playing, and it happened;"
00:27:12.37\00:27:15.37
"and it just seemed so right.
" The thing that we've got
00:27:15.41\00:27:18.25
to do is make no provision for
the flesh. Avoid those places
00:27:18.29\00:27:23.96
that you could get
into those problems.
00:27:24.16\00:27:26.61
Well, you know what? Our
time is all gone already,
00:27:26.64\00:27:29.38
I can't believe it.
Nancy it goes by so fast
00:27:29.50\00:27:31.61
when you're here.
00:27:31.64\00:27:32.61
Thank you so much and I
think we've got some good advice
00:27:32.62\00:27:34.84
out there for our
people, and I hope people watch
00:27:34.87\00:27:39.21
this program and be fit
to be tied. Thank you so much
00:27:39.24\00:27:43.25
for joining us and remember,
put off the childish things,
00:27:43.28\00:27:47.26
become mature in
the Lord Jesus Christ,
00:27:47.29\00:27:49.61
and you can have a
happy relationship again.
00:27:49.71\00:27:52.89
Thank you.
00:27:53.06\00:27:54.69