Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Nancy Van Pelt
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000206
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00:30 Hello I'm Shelly Quinn, and
00:31 welcome to another 00:32 Issues and Answers. 00:33 You know what, If you are 00:35 divorced or maybe you've been widowed or you're a widower, 00:39 this is a program that you are going to want to watch. 00:42 And if you know anyone who is single again and 00:45 wanting to re-enter the dating market, then 00:48 that's what we are going to be talking about today, 00:50 with our special guest Nancy van Pelt 00:52 and Nancy is a certified Family Educator, 00:55 she's a strong Christian, 00:56 and she has written 28 books, 01:00 she's been to 55 countries, done over a thousand seminars, 01:04 and she is here to share some of that insight with us. 01:06 So, Nancy once again thank you for coming back to join us 01:10 all the way from Clovis California. 01:12 My privilege thank you. 01:14 Now where is Clovis? 01:15 Right close to Fresno, - Near Fresno. 01:17 right in the very heartland of California. 01:20 Well, I am just thrilled that you're bringing all of your 01:23 expertise to talk about this very important topic, 01:26 of re-entering the dating market, 01:29 because that's not easy for a lot of people. 01:33 It's very difficult when they've been out of the dating scene, 01:36 maybe they've been married 01:37 and now there spouse is gone 01:40 for whatever reason. 01:42 How do you re-enter the dating scene? 01:45 That's our question. - Ok 01:46 Now before we answer how, let me ask you this question. 01:50 When? Because if you are recently divorced or if 01:54 your spouse has passed on, 01:58 how long should you wait 02:00 to make sure that you are emotionally healed and 02:04 that you are prepared to re-enter the dating game? 02:08 It doesn't matter if you have been through a divorce 02:10 or a death, it's going to take pretty close to 2 years, 02:14 to work through all the emotional reaction 02:18 following a death or a divorce. 02:20 And yet, many people are marrying within that time frame. 02:25 So it takes, I give it, a two year time frame 02:28 for some people it's going to be more than that. 02:31 They say, after a death or divorce, 02:34 it can take up to 7 years for some people, so 02:37 2 years is, more or less, a minimum time frame, 02:41 or it takes time to find out who you are as a single person. 02:46 To make sure that you have worked through all of the 02:49 emotions, and working through the emotions is not starting 02:52 here and a steady upward, you have some good days 02:55 and some bad days. 02:56 One day when you feel healed and another day where your world 03:00 is falling apart. 03:01 And I believe that people should not be putting 03:04 themselves on the market, shall we say, available 03:08 individuals, until they are emotionally healed. 03:13 Love doesn't present itself that way, if you are going 03:16 to go on the market again, present yourself as a 03:19 healed, well, healthy person, not some emotional 03:24 basket case. 03:25 So, I'm talking about 2 years now to get over 03:29 their divorce or the death and then I'm talking about 03:33 2 more years to build a new relationship, so we're 03:38 really talking about a 4 year time frame in there 03:41 that is a minimum. 03:43 Now, boy, that is something that most people don't follow that 03:46 advise, but you know what I have seen, even with friends of mine 03:49 who have lost their husband, to death's sake, 03:53 I've seen women who maybe were not in a very good 03:57 relationship, they didn't have that good of a marriage, 04:01 they really don't know what their goals are in life, 04:05 because those goals were squelched in the past, 04:09 they were unhappy, they will turn around and marry 04:12 someone like their first spouse and their still unhappy. 04:16 And I think the problem is that people don't know who they are 04:20 and that's why they pick the wrong people, 04:22 so I think that's very good advice, if you have been 04:26 divorced or if your spouse has passed on, then 04:31 we recommend that you do really come to know who you are, 04:36 not only hear on earth, but mostly who you are 04:39 in Christ, before you think about dating anyone else. 04:42 But now are program is about getting back into that market. 04:46 I hate to use those words, but that's what people call it, 04:50 is the dating market. 04:51 How do you go about, once that time of healing 04:54 and you feel that yes I'm mentally prepared, 04:57 I'm emotionally healed, I am ready to go forward with a new 05:02 relationship, how do you enter the dating market? 05:05 Well, one of the big things you need to do, is keep a wide 05:08 circle of friends. - Ok 05:10 And if through your friends most people meet their prospective 05:14 dating partners through a circle of friends, 05:17 on all surveys that are done. But another great place is at 05:22 church and if you are going to church regularly then it'd be 05:26 somebody of like faith and this is going to be a big advantage. 05:31 Of course you could meet people at work, 05:33 Then you have the possibility that they are not of the same 05:38 faith and the same values or so forth, so you have that problem. 05:42 Now there is something, a new twist, that has come up recently 05:47 and I say, over the last number of years, and that it is 05:50 Internet dating and I know that there are many services now, 05:54 Christian services that maybe by your denomination they will post 06:00 various people on the Internet that you can meet, 06:03 of your same faith. What do you think of that? 06:05 I think that Internet dating is a great way to meet somebody, 06:09 but then that does not mean that you can establish 06:12 a relationship. For example you meet somebody who lives on 06:16 the other side of the country, who lives a thousand miles 06:18 away from you. How do you see this person frequently enough? 06:23 I know people who are completing my 2 year rule, but maybe 06:27 they've only seen each other 20 times and if you go to visit 06:32 that person on a weekend, you are not seeing that person under 06:37 normal circumstances. You're flying in Friday night, 06:41 you're flying back Sunday, so that you can manage your job. 06:44 Everything is tried to be crammed into 06:48 weekend activities. 06:50 There's nothing normal about that. 06:52 We need to see each other under normal circumstances. 06:56 Now also, to answer your question, we have to understand 07:01 the process of communication. Now let me tell you a story. 07:05 A woman wrote me from Canada, emailed me from Canada, that 07:09 she had found the perfect man over Internet dating. 07:14 She was becoming a physician, she'd never met the right person 07:18 so we know we are talking to a very intelligent woman. 07:21 But now she's met him, they are five months into their 07:24 Internet relationship, but they've never met. 07:26 And she explains to me that she knows him better 07:30 than any other man. They have discussed everything, 07:33 they have left no stone unturned, at all. 07:36 She wants to know what my opinion is, they are going to be 07:39 meeting for the first time soon and she wants to know what my 07:43 opinion is on this relationship. Should she marry this man? 07:47 Well, I had to explain to her that communication takes place 07:52 in three ways. Through our verbal, our non-verbal, and 07:56 our tone of voice. Through an email only 7% of a message can 08:01 come through, because that's all we get from the words 08:04 whether it's written or spoken. 08:06 55% comes through our non-verbal 08:10 or our body language and 38% through our tone of voice and 08:15 you see the tone of voice and body language is missing in an 08:19 email and I explained this to her, and then I said something 08:23 tongue-in-cheek, I want you to understand, 08:25 but I said, for all you know about this man, 08:27 he could be a serial murderer and you would never 08:30 know the difference. Now I said that in 08:32 tongue-in-cheek, but actually this is the way... 08:35 - Oh that's true. - It's true. 08:36 people can say one thing with their mouths and lie 08:41 with everything else. 08:42 Internet dating is extremely dangerous until the two of you 08:47 can get together. What I recommend is that 08:50 a couple continue their relationship over the Internet 08:54 for a year with occasional visits. 08:57 If it's a long-distance relationship. 09:01 If after a year it looks like it is going to work, 09:04 One of the two of them has to move. 09:06 I agree 100%. Because you would have to... 09:10 You know there's things that, and there are some things that 09:13 people don't recognize, and this is a silly example and 09:16 I hope it doesn't make me sound like a silly female, but 09:19 I was dating a man who actually was a college professor 09:23 I'd gone back to the school when I was close to 30 years old. 09:27 He was a college professor and after a semester of being 09:31 in his class, then later we began dating and 09:34 we were same faith, and we had a lot of things in common, 09:40 and there were some really interesting things, dynamics 09:43 in our relationship, but after I had dated him for about 09:47 six months, I met his family, which, I loved his family, 09:50 but you know something, when I saw him in a different, 09:54 in a family setting, suddenly he had some things 09:58 that drove me nuts and one of them was his sense of humor. 10:00 I'd never seen it before, but he had a really, 10:04 I don't know any other word to use, but a goofy sense of humor, 10:08 a silly slapstick sense of humor and drove it me up the wall. 10:13 And then I began to see that more and more and more 10:16 when we were in family situations, and I didn't realize 10:21 that even sense of humor, when you have common values and 10:25 shared things, even that can really make a big difference 10:29 in the way that you feel about somebody. 10:31 And I began to see other things. You can't tell that over the 10:33 Internet. You can't share that, 10:36 and they find that marriages are happy when husbands and wives 10:40 can laugh together, can play together, 10:43 and when they shared the same sense of humor. 10:46 The interesting thing is that new research shows that 10:48 men and women have different senses of humor, 10:51 women like more spontaneous humor, 10:53 and men are more into the slapstick type of humor, so 10:58 that's one of the gender differences. 11:00 That's interesting, I didn't know that. 11:02 My husband isn't slapstick, so the Lord knew I didn't need that 11:06 Well, so if you are re-entering, through friends or meeting 11:11 someone through the friendship circle, or through church, or 11:16 possibly through Internet dating, and I, by the way, 11:18 know a number of people who've met and married someone from the 11:22 Internet was their introduction and it's been very successful. 11:25 what is the most important thing that we can counsel with someone 11:30 who may be going through a divorce and it's a 11:33 lengthy divorce, should they even consider re-entering before 11:39 or should someone consider dating someone 11:41 whose divorce is not final? 11:43 I strongly recommend that you do not begin dating until the 11:49 divorce is final. Very, very strongly. 11:52 I know of one case where a husband-and-wife were getting 11:56 a divorce, there was no hope and she began dating somebody. 12:02 But he held up, he was not going to put himself on 12:07 the market yet. Would you believe, just before 12:10 the final papers were signed, 12:14 she changed her mind and said 12:16 she wanted to give the relationship one last shot. 12:20 So they went into a counseling, their relationship was saved. 12:24 Now, what would have happened if he had said, there is no hope 12:28 for this relationship, it's final, so he 12:31 starts dating somebody. I do not call that honorable 12:35 dating. I think we need to date with integrity. 12:39 Date in an honorable way and that to me is not an honorable 12:44 way of entering the dating scene ...if you have a relationship in 12:49 the background that is not completely over, whether it's 12:52 emotional or whether it is a legal matter. 12:56 This is not re-entering the dating game honorably. 12:59 Well, and you are also violating God's commandment, of 13:02 not committing adultery, because that is a spiritual adultery. 13:05 If you are still married, you're still married. 13:07 So that's something that's very critical. 13:09 - Yes. But now what about the parent, 13:13 the single-parent who's divorced and let's say they've gone 13:16 through the 2 year rule, and they've waited to re-enter. 13:20 And they have children, that's a special consideration. 13:24 How do single parents with children re-enter 13:27 the dating game? 13:28 This is one of the big differences between 13:29 dating as a mature adult, and 13:32 dating when you are a teenager. 13:34 Of course more and more teenagers 13:36 are having babies out of wedlock now too. 13:38 but generally speaking they are not dating when they have 13:44 children, but the mature adult who has been previously married 13:48 or perhaps widowed, will be entering. 13:51 Now the trend is to just bring 13:54 the children along on a lot of 13:57 occasions, but that's not always a good trend to follow, because 14:03 children who have lost one parent already, 14:06 whether it be to divorce or to death, already are 14:11 emotionally upset, because they have lost half of their parent. 14:15 - Yes. and they need security. 14:17 they need to permanence in their life, not a succession 14:21 of dating partners. And so I strongly recommend that when 14:26 people re-enter the dating scene that their children not be 14:30 a part of that. And it becomes even more complicated should 14:35 the parent have a teenager. 14:37 - Yes. Teenagers consider themselves 14:40 maybe the star of the dating scene, so if 14:44 mom or dad is dating and the teenager is dating it can almost 14:49 set up a scene of competition. 14:51 So teenagers may be aware that 14:55 you are having relationships, or younger children as well, 14:59 but don't bring them into it until the relationship is 15:02 well established. You can on certain occasions, 15:08 but keep things very cool, very... 15:11 - Casual. - Casual, friendly. 15:14 No demonstrations of strong, 15:18 romantic affection. Think more 15:21 of bringing this person along as a friend and no 15:25 heavy commitments, so it's very, very difficult to 15:30 date with children. What do you do with the children? 15:32 You know you have to hire babysitters, unless they're 15:35 going to come with you, so we have another whole world 15:38 of dating out there with children. 15:40 Well, and children, sometimes it seems that, there is one of two 15:44 scenarios. Either the child looks at the new person that's 15:49 arriving on the scene as competition, say to 15:52 either a deceased parent or to a divorced parent, and so 15:57 they will be very detrimental to the relationship. 16:01 They'll do anything they can to destroy it,or a child can become 16:05 overly attached to someone... - Yes. 16:06 that maybe you're not overly attached to. 16:09 And then when you break up that child has to go through 16:13 the loss of another important person in their life. 16:16 ...o it's very, very difficult. And yes, and some children also 16:21 can, at a certain age, "Is he going to be my daddy?" 16:25 - Yes. "Is she going to be my mommy?" 16:27 And this can be embarrassing to, so it's better not to bring 16:32 children into a relationship, especially in the early stages. 16:36 Except for special occasions. - When it's unstable. 16:39 Okay, now what happens if let's say that you've done everything 16:43 right here and you are a single father and you have waited the 16:48 2 years to re-enter the dating game, and 16:53 now you've been dating someone that you were friends with 16:56 at first and then you kind of began casual dating, 16:59 more exclusive type, or where it wasn't really exclusive, but you 17:03 had casual dating, now you're into that series dating and 17:05 you're maybe thinking about this might be the person I want to 17:09 marry, so you bring this woman new special person in your life 17:13 home to meet the children and to introduce them as someone 17:17 that you're interested in and the children don't approve. 17:20 Now what you do? 17:22 This can be a major problem and some people will go right ahead 17:27 and marry anyway and live to regret it. 17:32 I have found many couples who I think without children involved, 17:36 had the maturity to make the relationship work, but the 17:41 children themselves do not have the maturity, and if they take a 17:46 dislike to somebody, and think also what a child has at stake 17:51 because if we got his kids and her kids now that are now 17:55 uniting in the relationship maybe a daughter who has never 18:00 shared a bedroom with anybody suddenly has to have her bedroom 18:05 shared, her territory is not her own anymore. 18:08 we've got major complications and many people are marrying 18:12 especially through this Internet dating, now 18:15 without ever meeting each other's children or maybe 18:18 they meet for the first time at the wedding. 18:20 This type of thing is occurring and this is not healthy. 18:25 When children do not approve I believe that a parent 18:28 should sit down ahead of time talk openly with a child, 18:33 not telling them everything, but asking their opinion 18:37 letting them know that you may not necessarily follow 18:42 everything that they are saying, but you are open to hear 18:46 what they have to say. I think a parent needs this 18:49 kind of respectable attitude that open dialogue with the 18:54 child taking what the child has to say into consideration, but 18:58 letting the child know that, in the end you are a person 19:01 enough to make your own decision. 19:03 But if you make that decision when your children are against 19:05 you, you've got to be able to live with the consequences. 19:09 So you know there's times that children can see things maybe 19:13 you don't see and there's some really valid reasons, but 19:18 there's times that children can be just very selfish. 19:20 - Yes. And they don't want to share you 19:23 with someone else. So you can't let the child 19:26 control your life, but yet if the child has some really valid 19:31 reasons, is there some kind of counseling procedure that you 19:34 can go through at this time? I would recommend that 19:37 and there's a type of therapy a family therapist, that would 19:41 see you altogether and families even form teams 19:45 when you go into a room, what side, where would the 19:50 children sit. With mom, with dad who are they going to side with. 19:54 All kinds of things in a family therapist would 19:57 work through these issues and of course this prepare MC that 20:01 I mentioned to you before would get into some of the issues 20:04 involved in parenting children that are not your own, 20:09 one of the most difficult types of parenting is parenting 20:13 stepchildren, children that are not your own and the 20:18 wicked stepmother, you know, she gets labeled that, much 20:23 of the discipline is going to fall on her shoulders. 20:26 what kind of maturity, what kind of parenting skills 20:30 does she have in parenting a child that is not her own. 20:35 A child that does not like her. Does she have the personality? 20:39 The maturity, the ability to turn that around? 20:44 A big, big, big decision. - And this is something that 20:47 obviously, any two people who are considering marrying 20:50 that they do have children, maybe one or the other side, 20:53 or both have children, they need to really thoroughly 20:56 discuss this and decide how they are going to handle these 20:59 situations. I mean, they need to have a united front to offer to 21:05 to the children here if they do get married. 21:06 Now let me, oh, I just wanted to stop you for a minute, 21:09 because you mentioned the prepare MC that we discussed 21:12 in another program, but for viewers who weren't able to 21:15 watch the other program, please explain what prepare MC is. 21:19 Prepare MC is a test of 125 questions that both he and she 21:25 would take separately and then they would meet with a counselor 21:29 afterwards to discuss any areas that did not match and... 21:35 - Potential problem areas. - Potential problem areas, 21:37 and the MC stands for married with children in the home. 21:42 And they go to a counselor that is certified for 21:47 administering this test and the interesting thing is that it 21:52 can tell within 86% accuracy whether this relationship will 21:56 end in a divorce or not. Powerful tool. 21:59 That is, and I understand that there's a lot of pastors who 22:02 are using this in their family counseling,... 22:04 - Yes. so this would be a good test. 22:06 I highly recommend this, especially for anybody who is 22:10 entering a marriage with children on either side. 22:13 Nancy, what advice would you give to a divorced parent who's 22:18 previous husband or wife is entering the dating game. 22:23 Let's say you're a single again mother and you have several 22:28 children and you find out your husband is entering into dating 22:32 before you do. How do you handle that with the children? 22:35 This is very difficult, because 22:37 that husband may not share 22:41 your same values and may not 22:44 even keep the same day of worship, may be living or 22:49 sleeping with another woman and your children are being 22:53 exposed to this. But you know what Shelly, 22:56 the real test of all this needs to be considered at the time 23:00 that you are divorcing that man. You know I'm smiling right now, 23:04 because I'm not a real Dr. Laura fan, but every 23:07 once in a while she has a bit of wisdom, now whether 23:10 this is her greatest bit of wisdom, but she says 23:13 if you are going to divorce, you should not remarry again 23:17 until those kids are in college. - Wow! 23:19 Because what dating does is take 23:23 your time and attention away 23:27 from your children and you are putting more energy into your 23:31 dating relationships than you are into your children. 23:34 And, you know, there is something to that. 23:37 Dating takes a tremendous amount of energy. 23:41 And children are the primary concern. 23:44 Yes, I'm concerned about the single's future, but 23:48 you know what? You brought those children 23:50 into the world,... - Yes. 23:51 and you need to worry about leading those children to 23:54 the Lord and making sure that as a single parent you're doing the 23:58 right thing for that child all the way through. 24:01 - Yes. And for those who perhaps 24:04 do not take that advice, or don't see the wisdom of 24:08 that advice, and there are different routes, I mean there 24:10 are many, I've seen many second marriages where the children 24:13 benefit greatly... - Yes. 24:15 from having a father, you know, if you are a single woman trying 24:20 to bring up boys by herself, that if she marries the right 24:23 person, the man who steps in to be their father may be a better 24:27 role model than their biological father. So, we're not trying to 24:31 dissuade anyone, you've got to do a lot of praying and follow 24:36 some pretty good ground rules, but I see the wisdom in that 24:41 as well. Now before, we're running out of time so rapidly 24:45 and I wanted to touch on widows and widowers specifically 24:48 because there are so many out there. 24:50 Do you have some wise words for the widows and widowers? 24:54 Well, widows and widowers will go through the 2 years 24:57 of grieving, but they don't have all the bad memories. 25:02 When you go through a divorce there's so much negative emotion 25:06 but there's not so much negative emotion connected with... 25:09 - With a death. - With a death, 25:13 - Yes. and they say that one of the 25:16 best times to remarry is in the 50s. When you are 50 or beyond, 25:20 because your children are generally speaking, they're 25:25 raised and they're gone and you still have your health, 25:28 you are financially stable. So it can be one of the 25:32 best times to remarry. And maybe because you know 25:35 what you want more, and you don't play the games that 25:39 other people play. - Yes,... 25:40 although people remember now, everybody does the game playing, 25:44 because we always want to put our best foot forward. 25:47 But I still believe they need to take the Prepare test, because 25:52 now we have a new Prepare test, once you are 50, it's called 25:55 Mate now, but it's still part of Prepare, because there are still 25:59 issues that you need to look at, but I'm glad you said that, that 26:05 we don't want to frown on second marriages, because 26:10 the second marriage can be the best thing sometimes that ever 26:13 happen to you. But remember second marriages do have a 26:16 higher divorce rate than first marriages. So we need to be more 26:20 careful the second, third, fourth and fifth time around. 26:24 The divorce rate does not slow down until a person has been 26:28 married five times. - My goodness,... 26:30 that's an amazing statistic, but you know when you say 26:33 we need to more careful, maybe we just need to be more careful 26:36 the first time we get married so that we don't get into that 26:39 divorced arena. - Exactly, exactly. 26:42 But there's so many variables that we cannot foresee and 26:47 so many things that change. the most important advice that 26:51 we can give is just not to marry too quickly, whether it's your 26:54 first time or another time. - Absolutely, and take that 27:00 Prepare test. First time around or whether it's the second or 27:05 third time around. Just being a little more careful, asking 27:09 the Lord direct guidance, is this the one for me? 27:12 But the member what I said singles, when they pray they 27:16 can hear God say anything they want to hear God saying to them. 27:20 But be very careful, cautious, and slow down. 27:24 What you're saying is, sometimes when we're praying we are 27:27 hearing our own thoughts instead of God's thoughts, because we 27:31 get so emotionally charged and involved in the event. 27:34 Nancy, our time is all gone again so fast. 27:36 Thank you so much for being here and we're going to have you back 27:39 for a couple more programs. For those of you at home, 27:42 remember this, it doesn't matter what's going on in your life, 27:46 God has a plan for your life and I guarantee you, it's probably 27:50 better than the one you are already living. 27:53 Stay tuned. |
Revised 2014-12-17