Hello I'm Shelly Quinn, and
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welcome to another
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Issues and Answers.
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You know what, If you are
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divorced or maybe you've been
widowed or you're a widower,
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this is a program that you
are going to want to watch.
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And if you know anyone
who is single again and
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wanting to re-enter
the dating market, then
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that's what we are going
to be talking about today,
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with our special
guest Nancy van Pelt
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and Nancy is a
certified Family Educator,
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she's a strong Christian,
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and she has written 28 books,
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she's been to 55 countries,
done over a thousand seminars,
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and she is here to share
some of that insight with us.
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So, Nancy once again thank
you for coming back to join us
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all the way from
Clovis California.
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My privilege thank you.
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Now where is Clovis?
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Right close to
Fresno, - Near Fresno.
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right in the very
heartland of California.
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Well, I am just thrilled
that you're bringing all of your
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expertise to talk about
this very important topic,
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of re-entering
the dating market,
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because that's not
easy for a lot of people.
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It's very difficult when they've
been out of the dating scene,
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maybe they've been married
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and now there spouse is gone
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for whatever reason.
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How do you
re-enter the dating scene?
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That's our question. - Ok
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Now before we answer how,
let me ask you this question.
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When? Because if you
are recently divorced or if
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your spouse has passed on,
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how long should you wait
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to make sure that you
are emotionally healed and
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that you are prepared to
re-enter the dating game?
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It doesn't matter if you
have been through a divorce
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or a death, it's going to
take pretty close to 2 years,
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to work through all
the emotional reaction
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following a death or a divorce.
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And yet, many people are
marrying within that time frame.
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So it takes, I give
it, a two year time frame
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for some people it's
going to be more than that.
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They say, after
a death or divorce,
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it can take up to 7
years for some people, so
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2 years is, more or
less, a minimum time frame,
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or it takes time to find out
who you are as a single person.
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To make sure that you
have worked through all of the
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emotions, and working through
the emotions is not starting
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here and a steady
upward, you have some good days
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and some bad days.
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One day when you feel healed
and another day where your world
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is falling apart.
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And I believe that
people should not be putting
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themselves on the
market, shall we say, available
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individuals, until
they are emotionally healed.
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Love doesn't present itself
that way, if you are going
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to go on the market
again, present yourself as a
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healed, well, healthy
person, not some emotional
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basket case.
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So, I'm talking about
2 years now to get over
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their divorce or the
death and then I'm talking about
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2 more years to build a
new relationship, so we're
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really talking about a
4 year time frame in there
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that is a minimum.
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Now, boy, that is something that
most people don't follow that
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advise, but you know what I have
seen, even with friends of mine
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who have lost their
husband, to death's sake,
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I've seen women who
maybe were not in a very good
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relationship, they didn't
have that good of a marriage,
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they really don't know
what their goals are in life,
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because those goals
were squelched in the past,
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they were unhappy, they
will turn around and marry
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someone like their first
spouse and their still unhappy.
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And I think the problem is that
people don't know who they are
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and that's why they
pick the wrong people,
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so I think that's very
good advice, if you have been
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divorced or if your
spouse has passed on, then
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we recommend that you do
really come to know who you are,
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not only hear on
earth, but mostly who you are
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in Christ, before you
think about dating anyone else.
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But now are program is about
getting back into that market.
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I hate to use those words,
but that's what people call it,
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is the dating market.
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How do you go about,
once that time of healing
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and you feel that yes
I'm mentally prepared,
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I'm emotionally healed, I am
ready to go forward with a new
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relationship, how do
you enter the dating market?
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Well, one of the big things
you need to do, is keep a wide
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circle of friends. - Ok
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And if through your friends most
people meet their prospective
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dating partners
through a circle of friends,
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on all surveys that are done.
But another great place is at
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church and if you are going
to church regularly then it'd be
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somebody of like faith and this
is going to be a big advantage.
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Of course you could
meet people at work,
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Then you have the possibility
that they are not of the same
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faith and the same values or so
forth, so you have that problem.
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Now there is something, a new
twist, that has come up recently
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and I say, over the last
number of years, and that it is
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Internet dating and I know that
there are many services now,
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Christian services that maybe by
your denomination they will post
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various people on the
Internet that you can meet,
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of your same faith.
What do you think of that?
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I think that Internet dating
is a great way to meet somebody,
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but then that does not
mean that you can establish
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a relationship. For example
you meet somebody who lives on
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the other side of the country,
who lives a thousand miles
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away from you. How do you see
this person frequently enough?
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I know people who are completing
my 2 year rule, but maybe
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they've only seen each other
20 times and if you go to visit
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that person on a weekend, you
are not seeing that person under
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normal circumstances.
You're flying in Friday night,
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you're flying back Sunday,
so that you can manage your job.
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Everything is
tried to be crammed into
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weekend activities.
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There's nothing
normal about that.
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We need to see each other
under normal circumstances.
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Now also, to answer your
question, we have to understand
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the process of communication.
Now let me tell you a story.
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A woman wrote me from Canada,
emailed me from Canada, that
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she had found the perfect
man over Internet dating.
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She was becoming a physician,
she'd never met the right person
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so we know we are talking
to a very intelligent woman.
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But now she's met him,
they are five months into their
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Internet relationship,
but they've never met.
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And she explains to me
that she knows him better
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than any other man. They
have discussed everything,
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they have left no
stone unturned, at all.
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She wants to know what my
opinion is, they are going to be
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meeting for the first time soon
and she wants to know what my
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opinion is on this relationship.
Should she marry this man?
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Well, I had to explain to her
that communication takes place
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in three ways. Through our
verbal, our non-verbal, and
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our tone of voice. Through an
email only 7% of a message can
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come through, because
that's all we get from the words
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whether it's written or spoken.
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55% comes through our non-verbal
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or our body language and 38%
through our tone of voice and
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you see the tone of voice and
body language is missing in an
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email and I explained this to
her, and then I said something
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tongue-in-cheek, I
want you to understand,
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but I said, for all
you know about this man,
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he could be a serial
murderer and you would never
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know the
difference. Now I said that in
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tongue-in-cheek, but
actually this is the way...
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- Oh that's true. - It's true.
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people can say one thing
with their mouths and lie
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with everything else.
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Internet dating is extremely
dangerous until the two of you
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can get together.
What I recommend is that
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a couple continue their
relationship over the Internet
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for a year with
occasional visits.
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If it's a
long-distance relationship.
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If after a year it looks
like it is going to work,
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One of the two
of them has to move.
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I agree 100%.
Because you would have to...
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You know there's things that,
and there are some things that
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people don't recognize,
and this is a silly example and
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I hope it doesn't make me
sound like a silly female, but
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I was dating a man who
actually was a college professor
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I'd gone back to the school when
I was close to 30 years old.
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He was a college professor
and after a semester of being
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in his class, then
later we began dating and
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we were same faith, and we
had a lot of things in common,
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and there were some really
interesting things, dynamics
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in our relationship, but
after I had dated him for about
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six months, I met his family,
which, I loved his family,
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but you know something,
when I saw him in a different,
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in a family setting,
suddenly he had some things
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that drove me nuts and one
of them was his sense of humor.
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I'd never seen it
before, but he had a really,
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I don't know any other word to
use, but a goofy sense of humor,
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a silly slapstick sense of humor
and drove it me up the wall.
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And then I began to see
that more and more and more
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when we were in family
situations, and I didn't realize
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that even sense of humor,
when you have common values and
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shared things, even that
can really make a big difference
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in the way that you
feel about somebody.
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And I began to see other things.
You can't tell that over the
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Internet. You can't share that,
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and they find that marriages are
happy when husbands and wives
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can laugh
together, can play together,
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and when they shared
the same sense of humor.
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The interesting thing is
that new research shows that
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men and women have
different senses of humor,
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women like more
spontaneous humor,
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and men are more into the
slapstick type of humor, so
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that's one of the
gender differences.
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That's
interesting, I didn't know that.
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My husband isn't slapstick, so
the Lord knew I didn't need that
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Well, so if you are re-entering,
through friends or meeting
00:11:06.86\00:11:11.84
someone through the friendship
circle, or through church, or
00:11:11.87\00:11:16.19
possibly through Internet
dating, and I, by the way,
00:11:16.25\00:11:18.86
know a number of people who've
met and married someone from the
00:11:18.89\00:11:22.68
Internet was their introduction
and it's been very successful.
00:11:22.71\00:11:25.57
what is the most important thing
that we can counsel with someone
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who may be going
through a divorce and it's a
00:11:30.92\00:11:33.85
lengthy divorce, should they
even consider re-entering before
00:11:33.88\00:11:38.97
or should someone
consider dating someone
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whose divorce is not final?
00:11:41.46\00:11:43.65
I strongly recommend that you
do not begin dating until the
00:11:43.69\00:11:49.59
divorce is final.
Very, very strongly.
00:11:49.62\00:11:52.93
I know of one case where a
husband-and-wife were getting
00:11:52.96\00:11:56.85
a divorce, there was no hope
and she began dating somebody.
00:11:56.88\00:12:02.56
But he held up, he was
not going to put himself on
00:12:02.59\00:12:07.80
the market yet. Would
you believe, just before
00:12:07.83\00:12:10.57
the final papers were signed,
00:12:10.60\00:12:14.32
she changed her mind and said
00:12:14.36\00:12:16.70
she wanted to give the
relationship one last shot.
00:12:16.74\00:12:20.41
So they went into a counseling,
their relationship was saved.
00:12:20.44\00:12:24.77
Now, what would have happened
if he had said, there is no hope
00:12:24.80\00:12:28.59
for this
relationship, it's final, so he
00:12:28.62\00:12:31.47
starts dating somebody. I
do not call that honorable
00:12:31.50\00:12:35.45
dating. I think we
need to date with integrity.
00:12:35.48\00:12:39.30
Date in an honorable way and
that to me is not an honorable
00:12:39.33\00:12:44.89
way of entering the dating scene
...if you have a relationship in
00:12:44.92\00:12:49.71
the background that is not
completely over, whether it's
00:12:49.74\00:12:52.82
emotional or whether
it is a legal matter.
00:12:52.85\00:12:56.38
This is not re-entering
the dating game honorably.
00:12:56.41\00:12:59.53
Well, and you are also
violating God's commandment, of
00:12:59.57\00:13:02.66
not committing adultery, because
that is a spiritual adultery.
00:13:02.70\00:13:05.23
If you are still
married, you're still married.
00:13:05.26\00:13:06.98
So that's something
that's very critical.
00:13:07.02\00:13:09.92
- Yes. But now
what about the parent,
00:13:09.95\00:13:13.04
the single-parent who's divorced
and let's say they've gone
00:13:13.08\00:13:16.79
through the 2 year rule,
and they've waited to re-enter.
00:13:16.82\00:13:20.02
And they have children,
that's a special consideration.
00:13:20.05\00:13:24.30
How do single parents
with children re-enter
00:13:24.33\00:13:27.21
the dating game?
00:13:27.25\00:13:28.22
This is one of the
big differences between
00:13:28.23\00:13:29.96
dating as a mature adult, and
00:13:29.99\00:13:32.49
dating when you are a teenager.
00:13:32.53\00:13:34.59
Of course more
and more teenagers
00:13:34.63\00:13:36.33
are having babies
out of wedlock now too.
00:13:36.36\00:13:38.94
but generally speaking they
are not dating when they have
00:13:38.97\00:13:44.20
children, but the mature adult
who has been previously married
00:13:44.23\00:13:48.20
or perhaps
widowed, will be entering.
00:13:48.24\00:13:51.03
Now the trend is to just bring
00:13:51.06\00:13:54.65
the children along on a lot of
00:13:54.70\00:13:57.47
occasions, but that's not always
a good trend to follow, because
00:13:57.50\00:14:03.18
children who have
lost one parent already,
00:14:03.21\00:14:06.05
whether it be to
divorce or to death, already are
00:14:06.08\00:14:11.26
emotionally upset, because they
have lost half of their parent.
00:14:11.29\00:14:15.71
- Yes. and they need security.
00:14:15.74\00:14:17.82
they need to permanence in
their life, not a succession
00:14:17.85\00:14:21.84
of dating partners. And so
I strongly recommend that when
00:14:21.87\00:14:26.51
people re-enter the dating
scene that their children not be
00:14:26.54\00:14:30.55
a part of that. And it becomes
even more complicated should
00:14:30.58\00:14:35.32
the parent have a teenager.
00:14:35.35\00:14:37.35
- Yes. Teenagers
consider themselves
00:14:37.45\00:14:40.15
maybe the star of
the dating scene, so if
00:14:40.18\00:14:44.03
mom or dad is dating and the
teenager is dating it can almost
00:14:44.06\00:14:48.99
set up a scene of competition.
00:14:49.02\00:14:51.96
So teenagers may be aware that
00:14:51.99\00:14:55.29
you are having relationships,
or younger children as well,
00:14:55.33\00:14:59.18
but don't bring them into
it until the relationship is
00:14:59.21\00:15:02.94
well established. You
can on certain occasions,
00:15:02.97\00:15:08.33
but keep things
very cool, very...
00:15:08.36\00:15:11.26
- Casual. - Casual, friendly.
00:15:11.29\00:15:14.30
No demonstrations of strong,
00:15:14.33\00:15:18.92
romantic affection. Think more
00:15:18.95\00:15:21.35
of bringing this person
along as a friend and no
00:15:21.38\00:15:25.43
heavy commitments, so
it's very, very difficult to
00:15:25.46\00:15:30.16
date with children. What
do you do with the children?
00:15:30.19\00:15:32.48
You know you have to hire
babysitters, unless they're
00:15:32.51\00:15:35.13
going to come with you, so
we have another whole world
00:15:35.16\00:15:38.15
of dating out
there with children.
00:15:38.18\00:15:40.76
Well, and children, sometimes it
seems that, there is one of two
00:15:40.81\00:15:44.64
scenarios. Either the child
looks at the new person that's
00:15:44.68\00:15:49.09
arriving on the scene
as competition, say to
00:15:49.12\00:15:52.60
either a deceased parent or
to a divorced parent, and so
00:15:52.63\00:15:57.66
they will be very
detrimental to the relationship.
00:15:57.69\00:16:01.18
They'll do anything they can to
destroy it,or a child can become
00:16:01.21\00:16:05.13
overly attached
to someone... - Yes.
00:16:05.16\00:16:06.95
that maybe you're
not overly attached to.
00:16:06.99\00:16:09.18
And then when you break up
that child has to go through
00:16:09.21\00:16:13.61
the loss of another
important person in their life.
00:16:13.65\00:16:16.79
...o it's very, very difficult.
And yes, and some children also
00:16:16.82\00:16:21.14
can, at a certain age,
"Is he going to be my daddy?"
00:16:21.17\00:16:24.98
- Yes. "Is she
going to be my mommy?"
00:16:25.02\00:16:27.20
And this can be embarrassing
to, so it's better not to bring
00:16:27.24\00:16:32.13
children into a relationship,
especially in the early stages.
00:16:32.17\00:16:36.64
Except for special
occasions. - When it's unstable.
00:16:36.68\00:16:39.52
Okay, now what happens if let's
say that you've done everything
00:16:39.55\00:16:43.49
right here and you are a single
father and you have waited the
00:16:43.53\00:16:48.80
2 years to re-enter
the dating game, and
00:16:48.83\00:16:52.96
now you've been dating someone
that you were friends with
00:16:53.00\00:16:56.88
at first and then you
kind of began casual dating,
00:16:56.92\00:16:59.83
more exclusive type, or where it
wasn't really exclusive, but you
00:16:59.87\00:17:03.62
had casual dating, now you're
into that series dating and
00:17:03.65\00:17:05.71
you're maybe thinking about this
might be the person I want to
00:17:05.75\00:17:09.58
marry, so you bring this woman
new special person in your life
00:17:09.62\00:17:13.83
home to meet the children
and to introduce them as someone
00:17:13.87\00:17:17.46
that you're interested in
and the children don't approve.
00:17:17.50\00:17:20.35
Now what you do?
00:17:20.39\00:17:22.26
This can be a major problem and
some people will go right ahead
00:17:22.30\00:17:27.56
and marry anyway
and live to regret it.
00:17:27.59\00:17:32.10
I have found many couples who I
think without children involved,
00:17:32.13\00:17:36.93
had the maturity to make
the relationship work, but the
00:17:36.96\00:17:41.15
children themselves do not have
the maturity, and if they take a
00:17:41.19\00:17:46.30
dislike to somebody, and think
also what a child has at stake
00:17:46.33\00:17:51.33
because if we got his kids
and her kids now that are now
00:17:51.37\00:17:55.70
uniting in the relationship
maybe a daughter who has never
00:17:55.74\00:18:00.42
shared a bedroom with anybody
suddenly has to have her bedroom
00:18:00.45\00:18:05.16
shared, her territory
is not her own anymore.
00:18:05.20\00:18:08.25
we've got major complications
and many people are marrying
00:18:08.28\00:18:12.61
especially through
this Internet dating, now
00:18:12.64\00:18:15.49
without ever meeting
each other's children or maybe
00:18:15.52\00:18:18.88
they meet for the
first time at the wedding.
00:18:18.92\00:18:20.80
This type of thing is occurring
and this is not healthy.
00:18:20.83\00:18:25.13
When children do not
approve I believe that a parent
00:18:25.16\00:18:28.35
should sit down ahead of
time talk openly with a child,
00:18:28.38\00:18:33.03
not telling them everything,
but asking their opinion
00:18:33.06\00:18:37.06
letting them know that
you may not necessarily follow
00:18:37.09\00:18:42.69
everything that they are
saying, but you are open to hear
00:18:42.73\00:18:46.46
what they have to say. I
think a parent needs this
00:18:46.50\00:18:49.28
kind of respectable attitude
that open dialogue with the
00:18:49.32\00:18:54.55
child taking what the child has
to say into consideration, but
00:18:54.58\00:18:58.57
letting the child know that,
in the end you are a person
00:18:58.61\00:19:01.72
enough to make
your own decision.
00:19:01.75\00:19:03.26
But if you make that decision
when your children are against
00:19:03.29\00:19:05.83
you, you've got to be able
to live with the consequences.
00:19:05.87\00:19:09.73
So you know there's times that
children can see things maybe
00:19:09.78\00:19:13.60
you don't see and there's
some really valid reasons, but
00:19:13.63\00:19:18.29
there's times that children
can be just very selfish.
00:19:18.32\00:19:20.60
- Yes. And they
don't want to share you
00:19:20.63\00:19:23.64
with someone else. So
you can't let the child
00:19:23.67\00:19:26.71
control your life, but yet if
the child has some really valid
00:19:26.74\00:19:31.68
reasons, is there some kind
of counseling procedure that you
00:19:31.71\00:19:34.96
can go through at this
time? I would recommend that
00:19:34.99\00:19:37.50
and there's a type of therapy
a family therapist, that would
00:19:37.53\00:19:40.97
see you altogether and
families even form teams
00:19:41.00\00:19:45.50
when you go into a room,
what side, where would the
00:19:45.53\00:19:50.02
children sit. With mom, with dad
who are they going to side with.
00:19:50.05\00:19:54.64
All kinds of things in
a family therapist would
00:19:54.67\00:19:57.72
work through these issues and
of course this prepare MC that
00:19:57.75\00:20:01.45
I mentioned to you before would
get into some of the issues
00:20:01.48\00:20:04.83
involved in parenting
children that are not your own,
00:20:04.86\00:20:09.79
one of the most difficult
types of parenting is parenting
00:20:09.82\00:20:13.42
stepchildren, children
that are not your own and the
00:20:13.45\00:20:18.22
wicked stepmother, you know,
she gets labeled that, much
00:20:18.25\00:20:23.58
of the discipline is
going to fall on her shoulders.
00:20:23.61\00:20:26.94
what kind of maturity,
what kind of parenting skills
00:20:26.97\00:20:30.67
does she have in parenting
a child that is not her own.
00:20:30.70\00:20:35.05
A child that does not like her.
Does she have the personality?
00:20:35.08\00:20:39.80
The maturity, the
ability to turn that around?
00:20:39.83\00:20:44.03
A big, big, big decision.
- And this is something that
00:20:44.06\00:20:47.68
obviously, any two people
who are considering marrying
00:20:47.71\00:20:50.74
that they do have children,
maybe one or the other side,
00:20:50.77\00:20:53.57
or both have children,
they need to really thoroughly
00:20:53.60\00:20:56.48
discuss this and decide how
they are going to handle these
00:20:56.51\00:20:59.47
situations. I mean, they need to
have a united front to offer to
00:20:59.50\00:21:05.13
to the children here
if they do get married.
00:21:05.16\00:21:06.88
Now let me, oh, I just
wanted to stop you for a minute,
00:21:06.92\00:21:09.79
because you mentioned the
prepare MC that we discussed
00:21:09.82\00:21:12.27
in another program, but
for viewers who weren't able to
00:21:12.31\00:21:15.75
watch the other program, please
explain what prepare MC is.
00:21:15.78\00:21:19.95
Prepare MC is a test of 125
questions that both he and she
00:21:19.99\00:21:25.78
would take separately and then
they would meet with a counselor
00:21:25.81\00:21:29.43
afterwards to discuss any
areas that did not match and...
00:21:29.46\00:21:35.46
- Potential problem areas.
- Potential problem areas,
00:21:35.50\00:21:37.79
and the MC stands for married
with children in the home.
00:21:37.82\00:21:42.11
And they go to a
counselor that is certified for
00:21:42.15\00:21:47.42
administering this test and
the interesting thing is that it
00:21:47.45\00:21:52.04
can tell within 86% accuracy
whether this relationship will
00:21:52.07\00:21:56.51
end in a divorce
or not. Powerful tool.
00:21:56.54\00:21:59.77
That is, and I understand that
there's a lot of pastors who
00:21:59.81\00:22:02.81
are using this in
their family counseling,...
00:22:02.85\00:22:04.66
- Yes. so this
would be a good test.
00:22:04.70\00:22:06.73
I highly recommend this,
especially for anybody who is
00:22:06.76\00:22:10.14
entering a marriage
with children on either side.
00:22:10.18\00:22:13.39
Nancy, what advice would you
give to a divorced parent who's
00:22:13.42\00:22:18.45
previous husband or wife
is entering the dating game.
00:22:18.49\00:22:23.28
Let's say you're a single again
mother and you have several
00:22:23.31\00:22:28.21
children and you find out your
husband is entering into dating
00:22:28.39\00:22:32.05
before you do. How do you
handle that with the children?
00:22:32.08\00:22:35.18
This is very difficult, because
00:22:35.21\00:22:37.87
that husband may not share
00:22:37.91\00:22:41.34
your same values and may not
00:22:41.38\00:22:44.74
even keep the same day
of worship, may be living or
00:22:44.78\00:22:49.52
sleeping with another woman
and your children are being
00:22:49.56\00:22:53.58
exposed to this. But
you know what Shelly,
00:22:53.61\00:22:56.13
the real test of all this needs
to be considered at the time
00:22:56.17\00:23:00.07
that you are divorcing that man.
You know I'm smiling right now,
00:23:00.11\00:23:04.62
because I'm not a real
Dr. Laura fan, but every
00:23:04.66\00:23:07.53
once in a while she has a
bit of wisdom, now whether
00:23:07.57\00:23:10.72
this is her greatest
bit of wisdom, but she says
00:23:10.76\00:23:13.13
if you are going to divorce,
you should not remarry again
00:23:13.17\00:23:17.03
until those kids
are in college. - Wow!
00:23:17.06\00:23:19.96
Because what dating does is take
00:23:19.99\00:23:23.95
your time and attention away
00:23:23.98\00:23:27.16
from your children and you are
putting more energy into your
00:23:27.22\00:23:31.28
dating relationships than
you are into your children.
00:23:31.32\00:23:34.65
And, you know, there
is something to that.
00:23:34.68\00:23:37.62
Dating takes a
tremendous amount of energy.
00:23:37.66\00:23:41.23
And children are
the primary concern.
00:23:41.27\00:23:44.12
Yes, I'm concerned
about the single's future, but
00:23:44.15\00:23:48.42
you know what? You
brought those children
00:23:48.45\00:23:50.16
into the world,... - Yes.
00:23:50.41\00:23:51.38
and you need to worry
about leading those children to
00:23:51.50\00:23:54.16
the Lord and making sure that as
a single parent you're doing the
00:23:54.19\00:23:58.28
right thing for that
child all the way through.
00:23:58.32\00:24:01.45
- Yes. And for those who perhaps
00:24:01.48\00:24:04.28
do not take that advice,
or don't see the wisdom of
00:24:04.32\00:24:08.09
that advice, and there are
different routes, I mean there
00:24:08.13\00:24:10.58
are many, I've seen many second
marriages where the children
00:24:10.62\00:24:13.76
benefit greatly... - Yes.
00:24:13.80\00:24:15.43
from having a father, you know,
if you are a single woman trying
00:24:15.47\00:24:20.11
to bring up boys by herself,
that if she marries the right
00:24:20.15\00:24:23.26
person, the man who steps in to
be their father may be a better
00:24:23.29\00:24:27.06
role model than their biological
father. So, we're not trying to
00:24:27.09\00:24:31.95
dissuade anyone, you've got to
do a lot of praying and follow
00:24:31.98\00:24:36.28
some pretty good ground rules,
but I see the wisdom in that
00:24:36.32\00:24:41.35
as well. Now before, we're
running out of time so rapidly
00:24:41.38\00:24:45.56
and I wanted to touch on
widows and widowers specifically
00:24:45.60\00:24:48.58
because there are
so many out there.
00:24:48.61\00:24:50.85
Do you have some wise words
for the widows and widowers?
00:24:50.88\00:24:54.21
Well, widows and widowers
will go through the 2 years
00:24:54.24\00:24:57.54
of grieving, but they
don't have all the bad memories.
00:24:57.58\00:25:02.11
When you go through a divorce
there's so much negative emotion
00:25:02.15\00:25:05.97
but there's not so much negative
emotion connected with...
00:25:06.00\00:25:09.70
- With a death. - With a death,
00:25:09.73\00:25:12.98
- Yes. and they
say that one of the
00:25:13.01\00:25:16.22
best times to remarry is in the
50s. When you are 50 or beyond,
00:25:16.44\00:25:20.91
because your children are
generally speaking, they're
00:25:20.94\00:25:25.13
raised and they're gone
and you still have your health,
00:25:25.16\00:25:28.45
you are financially
stable. So it can be one of the
00:25:28.48\00:25:32.48
best times to remarry.
And maybe because you know
00:25:32.52\00:25:35.75
what you want more, and
you don't play the games that
00:25:35.79\00:25:39.24
other people play. - Yes,...
00:25:39.28\00:25:40.61
although people remember now,
everybody does the game playing,
00:25:40.65\00:25:44.20
because we always want to
put our best foot forward.
00:25:44.24\00:25:47.59
But I still believe they need to
take the Prepare test, because
00:25:47.62\00:25:52.03
now we have a new Prepare test,
once you are 50, it's called
00:25:52.07\00:25:55.93
Mate now, but it's still part of
Prepare, because there are still
00:25:55.97\00:25:59.88
issues that you need to look at,
but I'm glad you said that, that
00:25:59.91\00:26:05.88
we don't want to frown
on second marriages, because
00:26:05.98\00:26:10.07
the second marriage can be the
best thing sometimes that ever
00:26:10.13\00:26:12.86
happen to you. But remember
second marriages do have a
00:26:13.13\00:26:16.69
higher divorce rate than first
marriages. So we need to be more
00:26:16.73\00:26:20.85
careful the second, third,
fourth and fifth time around.
00:26:20.88\00:26:24.53
The divorce rate does not slow
down until a person has been
00:26:24.56\00:26:28.37
married five
times. - My goodness,...
00:26:28.40\00:26:30.94
that's an amazing statistic,
but you know when you say
00:26:30.98\00:26:33.26
we need to more careful, maybe
we just need to be more careful
00:26:33.30\00:26:36.41
the first time we get married
so that we don't get into that
00:26:36.45\00:26:39.30
divorced arena.
- Exactly, exactly.
00:26:39.40\00:26:41.12
But there's so many variables
that we cannot foresee and
00:26:42.00\00:26:47.31
so many things that change.
the most important advice that
00:26:47.34\00:26:51.34
we can give is just not to marry
too quickly, whether it's your
00:26:51.38\00:26:54.95
first time or another time.
- Absolutely, and take that
00:26:54.99\00:27:00.57
Prepare test. First time around
or whether it's the second or
00:27:00.60\00:27:05.27
third time around. Just being
a little more careful, asking
00:27:05.30\00:27:09.04
the Lord direct guidance,
is this the one for me?
00:27:09.07\00:27:12.92
But the member what I said
singles, when they pray they
00:27:12.95\00:27:16.32
can hear God say anything they
want to hear God saying to them.
00:27:16.35\00:27:20.47
But be very careful,
cautious, and slow down.
00:27:20.51\00:27:24.09
What you're saying is, sometimes
when we're praying we are
00:27:24.13\00:27:27.89
hearing our own thoughts instead
of God's thoughts, because we
00:27:27.93\00:27:31.25
get so emotionally charged
and involved in the event.
00:27:31.29\00:27:34.29
Nancy, our time is
all gone again so fast.
00:27:34.33\00:27:36.47
Thank you so much for being here
and we're going to have you back
00:27:36.51\00:27:39.54
for a couple more programs.
For those of you at home,
00:27:39.57\00:27:42.51
remember this, it doesn't matter
what's going on in your life,
00:27:42.55\00:27:46.24
God has a plan for your life and
I guarantee you, it's probably
00:27:46.27\00:27:50.80
better than the one
you are already living.
00:27:50.84\00:27:53.34
Stay tuned.
00:27:53.38\00:27:54.68