Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Nancy Van Pelt
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000205
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00:31 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn and welcome again
00:33 to Issues and Answers. Today, 00:34 we have a very important issue to talk about; 00:37 especially if you are single and dating and, 00:40 and we're gonna talking about how to spot 00:44 danger signals in a relationship. 00:46 Let me share the scripture with you. 00:48 The Bible says in Galatians 6 verse, 00:51 I'll start with verse 19. It says, 00:53 "Now these are the practices of flesh and, 00:57 it goes on to say these are clear, 00:59 immortality, impurity, indecency; idolatry, 01:03 sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, 01:06 selfishness, divisions, party spirits, envy, 01:10 drunkenness, carousing and the like, 01:12 I warn you before hand, just as I did previously, 01:15 that those who do such things shall not 01:18 inherit the Kingdom of God." You know, 01:21 this is a warning more for it's, 01:24 it's a warning for all of us indeed, 01:27 but it is a particular warning that we want 01:29 to focus on today with, if you are single, 01:32 we want to talk to you about smart love for 01:35 relationships and what to watch out for in dating. 01:39 And we have a very special guest with us; 01:41 she is a certified Family Life Educator. 01:44 She's written 28 books, she's been to 55 countries, 01:47 soon to be 57 and she is a popular guest here 01:51 at 3ABN. And I'm talking about Nancy Van Pelt. 01:54 Nancy, once again what a joy to have you. 01:57 Thank you, pleasure to be here. 01:58 Well, we're gonna be talking about something 02:01 today that actually this is one that will cover 02:04 all ranges of all ages because we have heard 02:09 so much on the news and then when I go out 02:11 and minister I hear so often people who are 02:13 involved in bad relationships. 02:15 And unfortunately some people saw these 02:18 warning signs when they were dating, 02:21 but they didn't pay attention to red flags 02:23 that were going up, they thought they could 02:24 change the person they married them and 02:26 they're miserable in their marriages. 02:28 So, let's talk about the danger signals 02:30 in relationships. It is an important subject 02:34 because in interviews that have been done, 02:36 they've found that about 38% of people 02:40 recognize these dangerous signals before they 02:43 got married and they went ahead and got 02:45 married anyway. Even though they could see 02:48 all these issues. It doesn't make sense. 02:50 It doesn't make sense, no. That doesn't make 02:52 any sense at all. If you are in a relationship 02:56 where there is a whole lot of arguing and 02:58 fighting going on and you think that once 03:00 you get married it's going to get better, 03:03 somebody has pulled the wool over your eyes. 03:05 Somebody is pulling somebody, yes. 03:07 Arguing and fighting is one of the big issues, 03:11 because it's an indication that you are 03:13 conflicting on something you probably have 03:16 conflicting goals or values there and another 03:21 thing that you need to look at is how long 03:23 the arguments are and how loud they are 03:27 because we could be getting into anger issues 03:30 and this kind of thing. You know, I'm thinking 03:32 back to when our son was dating a girl by 03:35 the name of Anna. They could do more arguing 03:39 even on the telephone, but one day Anna 03:42 came it was a long distance relationship, 03:45 so she came to visit us and she got dressed 03:48 and Mark was taking her out for a dinner 03:51 that night. And they left and I started waving 03:55 goodbye and so forth. And Mark hadn't even 03:57 gotten a block away before I saw him throw 04:00 that car into reverse, back it up. 04:03 She gets out, she's crying, he drives off. 04:07 Now, I have a crying girl on my hands and I said, 04:09 what's the trouble? She said, 04:11 he didn't like what I was wearing. 04:13 These two could argue about anything and I said, 04:17 Mark, if you argue this much before 04:20 you're married, what's going to happen after 04:23 you're married? Yeah, and you know, 04:25 sometimes it seems to me that when you 04:28 have someone who is incredibly argumentative, 04:31 it is a form of manipulation and control. 04:34 It is, this is a definitely a control issue and 04:37 what we need to look at is how who's winning 04:41 and who's losing. Now, none of us mind losing 04:45 once in a while, but none of us want to be on 04:48 the losing end all of the time, so this is what 04:51 makes it a control issue. And when you eyed 04:55 to me, you know and, and I, I'm very blessed Nancy 04:59 and I think you and Harry have a great 05:00 relationship, JD and I have a wonderful 05:02 relationship. He's a peacemaker, 05:04 I'm a peacemaker. And I don't like arguing and 05:08 I think in nearly 20 years of marriage we've had 05:11 two arguments and, and what and, 05:13 I mean not that we don't disagree, 05:16 but we don't argue when we disagree. 05:19 We talk about it, we communicate well; 05:21 to me when someone breaks into an argument 05:24 it's also a signal that they cannot communicate 05:27 well and if they don't get this taken care 05:30 of while they're dating, certainly it's not 05:33 going to go away when they get here. Not 05:35 going to get any better and they do not have 05:38 the conflict resolution skills and I believe 05:41 this is number one that any couple needs 05:45 to have is the ability to talk about things 05:48 respectfully without undo anger, 05:53 if they can communicate and lay their reasons 05:56 down and negotiate to some kind of a, 05:58 a conclusion that is amendable to both of them 06:02 then we have a couple who can make a good 06:04 marriage. And isn't it true that when 06:07 couples are, are dating and usually they're 06:10 on their best behavior when they're dating. 06:12 And that's what interesting to me, 06:13 if you think someone's on their best behavior 06:15 and you see this argumentative, this 06:17 fighting, this wanting to just be at each other's 06:20 throats all the time. It, it is just a signal 06:24 that there is more under the surface and 06:26 quite often what you see particularly in young. 06:30 I'm, I mean I don't know the statistics like you do, 06:33 but I particularly when I'm counseling with 06:36 couples or and I'm talking about parents actually 06:39 who have young children, who get involved 06:41 teenagers and college aged students, 06:44 who are involved in a very heated, 06:48 what's the word that I'm looking for? 06:50 An explosive relationship is what I'm thinking of. 06:53 They're usually, that's the tip of the iceberg 06:57 and often it escalates to become something 06:59 more than just an exchange of words. 07:01 Exactly, and this doesn't always come out until 07:04 after the couple is married. And this is what 07:07 I'm trying to get couples to do, is look at these 07:10 issues before we get married. 07:12 Take your time now, not wait until after 07:15 we're married and then go into the counseling 07:17 scene. Nobody wants to take the time; 07:20 they don't like the word counseling, no, 07:22 prior to the time that they're married. 07:23 We don't have any problems, we don't need 07:25 counseling, but yes call, call a premarital 07:28 guidance, call it what you may, 07:30 but sort through these issues. And by the way, 07:33 this is one of these issues that this prepare 07:36 test that I was mentioning in a previous show, 07:40 this would point out your ability to look at 07:44 issues and discuss them and negotiate through 07:48 to a clear resolution that both of you could 07:50 be happy with. Yes! Well, now Mark and Anna 07:54 didn't get married, did they? No, they didn't. 07:56 No, they didn't. And it's a good thing they 07:57 did not. So, was this is a stage that Mark was 08:00 going through or it was something that it was, 08:02 because they had different goals maybe 08:05 what she was wearing was too revealing or. 08:08 It, it, it was a lot of different things because 08:10 Mark is an arguer. I always say he missed 08:12 his occupation, he should, he should have been 08:14 a lawyer you know. He enjoyed that kind 08:17 of things, so he would need a partner then 08:20 that would enjoy arguing because that was 08:23 kind of challenging to him and such, 08:26 it needs to be included with that, 08:28 needs to be the respect, no name calling 08:32 and not escalating to the point of anger. 08:36 So, when you're, when you're using the word 08:38 arguing then you can use the word argue 08:40 for a disagreement. See when I, when I think 08:42 of argue I'm thinking of something that's getting 08:45 a little more heated and this is a very dangerous 08:49 thing when it starts, when somebody starts 08:51 raising their voice, when they do start making 08:54 you know, some slurs or name calling to me 08:58 that's a real danger signal. I think it is true 09:00 because then we go into all your anger issues, 09:04 but yes, I would like to see people handle it, 09:07 discuss it prior to the time that it gets into 09:11 a full blown argument, its too late because the 09:13 emotions get too high, too involved at that point. 09:17 Okay. So, this is a danger signal, 09:19 we're gonna come back to this 'cause we're 09:20 gonna look at several danger signals and then 09:22 talk about these in more details. What's another, 09:24 another danger signal? Another danger signal 09:26 is abuse. Now, why would a, a woman, 09:30 men can be abused also, but major, 09:33 the major issue here is for women. 09:35 Now, why would a women stay in a relationship 09:38 that is abusive. First of all we think of 09:41 physical abuse, when we talk about the word 09:43 abuse? But physical abuse is generally speaking 09:47 not the first indication of an abusive relationship. 09:51 Generally it starts with control, yes. And 09:55 he has to know where you are every minute, 09:58 where you are going; who you are with, 10:00 is control issues? He may want to reach you 10:04 by a cell phone and people that are not 10:08 experienced relationships and the controlling 10:11 behavior of others. Sometimes think that this 10:14 is oh! He loves me so much he just can't leave 10:17 me alone, but that's how it begins is with control. 10:21 One fellow even followed his girlfriend 10:24 to a hairdresser to make sure that she got 10:27 her hair cut and styled in a way that he wanted. 10:31 So, it goes into all areas of life and later 10:34 on it can go into a physical abuse. 10:37 Now, control also can mean that maybe they 10:40 start this to me is a huge danger signal 10:43 is when you see that they start limiting your 10:46 circle of friends, yes, limiting your involvement 10:49 with your family, that's when it's really dangerous. 10:53 Yes, it gets very dangerous then and 10:56 also when it finally does explode into 11:01 a physical confrontation. One fellow, 11:05 if the girl was standing against the wall and 11:07 he comes up with his fist and he puts his fist 11:10 through the wall. He never touched her, 11:12 but what message was he sending her. 11:15 Oh! Absolutely! You, you crossed me baby and 11:18 you're gonna get, you're gonna get this right 11:20 on the face next time. Now, let's look at the 11:22 issue now, why would a woman stay in this kind 11:26 of a relationship? First of all, she maybe 11:28 desperate, she maybe used to abusive 11:31 relationships, but whatever the reason, 11:33 it is a self esteem issue. Yes. And only when 11:37 a woman has enough worth, self worth to say, 11:40 I'm not taking this any more and walking away 11:43 from it. And maybe a third category that is 11:48 that's you know the Bible says, 11:49 "We become who we Behold." Well, 11:52 if a woman has seen a in her own family 11:57 relationship between her mother and father, 11:59 if her father was abusive and controlling 12:02 of her mother then she watched her mother 12:05 take that and she has begun to get this picture 12:07 that this is what it's going to be like, 12:09 so she does take it, but that's a very, 12:12 I mean there's a lot of reasons that people 12:15 might take that and all unhealthy. 12:17 Yes! And stay in a relationship like that, 12:20 yeah. One other things that I do is talk to women 12:23 at abuse centers, right, and teach them about 12:26 the worth that God really places on a woman 12:30 and they have to learn this first or they're 12:32 going to go right back into abusive relationships. 12:36 And at a break time one woman came to me 12:38 and she said, Nancy, I have a 5-year-old son. 12:42 And she said, he has seen me be dragged 12:44 around by my hair and used as a punching bag, 12:47 is this going to effect him? Yes, of course 12:51 because we are seeing a young man he's not 12:54 going to think of women as having any worth 12:57 at all and he's growing up in that environment 13:00 and he is going to do the same thing because 13:03 he doesn't and never learned to respect 13:05 a woman. You know, it is so amazing because 13:08 truly, when the Bible says, "We become who 13:10 we Behold." You'd be surprised how many 13:12 people that I've counseled with in the past, 13:14 who were abused by their parents and then 13:17 grew up and abused their children? And they said, 13:19 I always swore I would never do this and 13:22 I can't believe that I've done it, 13:24 but that cycle does repeat itself. 13:26 And for a, there's just one thing that I have 13:28 to pick on upright now because when Nancy 13:30 was talking about the self worth issue, 13:33 I just don't want to miss this opportunity, 13:35 something the Lord really impressed upon me 13:37 once to share with others is to say this, 13:41 that no matter who you are, no matter what 13:43 your circumstances are right now, 13:45 you may not have ever even received Christ 13:47 as your Savior, but the Bible says in Romans 5:8 13:51 that He sent His son to die for you while you 13:53 were still a sinner. And let me tell you about 13:55 the worth that God puts on you as an individual. 13:58 He says, you are worth nothing less than the 14:02 price that He paid to redeem you with the 14:05 precious life blood of His son. 14:07 So, you have great worth to God and He puts 14:10 value on you and He wants you to put value 14:13 on your life. So, we've got these danger signals 14:17 that we're looking at the, the idea of, 14:20 we've, we've gone from someone that's has 14:23 anger, they're argumentative. 14:25 Now, if they become abusive we're looking at 14:28 not just the physical abuse which, 14:31 if someone touches you, my sister lived in a very, 14:35 her first husband abused her terribly, 14:38 broke her jaw, broke her ribs, broke her nose 14:43 and each time he would tell her. 14:45 I will never do this again and each time she 14:48 bought that, but that is just a sickness. 14:51 But now there is also that verbally, 14:54 I mean people can be condescending to someone, 14:57 that's a form of abuse, isn't it? Yes, 15:00 they call this an emotional abuse, verbal abuse. 15:05 People continue to stay in verbally abusive 15:08 relationships and that can be as damaging, 15:12 look at it this way. When, when, you, you, 15:16 you get hit on the arm is going to cause 15:18 a bruise. How long does that bruise stay there? 15:22 You know, a week, 10 days the bruise goes 15:25 away and soon doesn't heard anymore. 15:27 And you forget that you were ever hit there, 15:31 right, but when you are verbally abused especially 15:34 if this verbal abuse goes on year after year 15:37 after year. The wounds that come from verbal 15:40 abuse last, if it starts in childhood, 15:44 a person can be 40 years old, 50 years old, 15:47 60years old, still living in the shadow of that 15:51 abuse that happened years ago. Yes. 15:53 So, verbal abuse can be even worse because 15:56 of the lasting effects of it. Yes, 15:59 so if you've got someone who is being 16:02 condescending and acting like they think 16:05 you're stupid or I mean this is another danger 16:08 signal because. Another danger signal. 16:11 This is something that someone is not, 16:13 I mean this means that they're showing a lack 16:14 of respect for you and that they really don't 16:19 appreciate your value as a person, 16:20 so that is an abusive form. And if they don't 16:22 respect you before you were married they 16:24 are not going to respect you after you are married. 16:27 Amen, amen. Okay! So, what's another danger 16:30 signal? Another one is conflicting goals 16:33 and values, yes. And if one person wants 16:37 a home in the country with a dog and family 16:41 and home schooled children that kind of life. 16:44 And the other person likes the fast city life 16:48 with big cars and nights of the Opera. 16:52 You know, what we have a conflict of, 16:55 of goals and values here. And this couple can 17:00 pray together, they can see counseling, 17:02 they can read books, attend seminars and 17:05 you know what they are never going to 17:07 solve this problem. Amen. Their, their, 17:11 their in goals are too different. 17:14 And that's something that it people do not 17:16 have any idea till they do get married how 17:19 critical that is, I mean it may be a problem and 17:22 when we say that this is a danger signal. 17:24 This is a, a signal that your relationships 17:27 in danger that you probably shouldn't go 17:29 forward and get married until you, they say, 17:32 opposites attracts sometimes, 17:34 but if your value system particularly say that 17:36 you're of different religious backgrounds or 17:39 persuasions, if one is a Sunday keeper, 17:42 one's a Sabbath keeper, if one is a Christian and 17:46 one's an Agnostic. These are things that 17:48 the Bible says, do not be unequally yoked, 17:50 that's our, our Lord's counsel to us. 17:53 And these are things that can really make 17:55 a difference in the happiness of our 17:56 relationship. You see, we get into other 17:59 areas here, now we get into money. You see, 18:03 how we use money is a value? 18:06 How we use our time? Time is a value. 18:11 So, this is where we get into some of these 18:16 areas and spiritual these three, three are, 18:19 are three big areas that couples don't want 18:23 to look at. I just heard on the plane out here 18:26 to 3ABN. Somebody was talking about a couple, 18:30 he is a, a, a financier of some kind met somebody 18:34 at a singles retreat. The two of them married 18:37 and they're having big money problems right now. 18:41 Both intelligent people discussed many things 18:44 prior to the times that they were married, 18:46 but never discussed finances. Yeah. 18:50 I mean this is, this is craziness because this 18:52 again is one of these values and this is where 18:56 again this testing would come in very handy 18:59 because it would test you. How would you both 19:01 think about money? Who, who should handle it? 19:05 How it should be handled? How are we going 19:06 to spend this money? How much do you believe 19:09 in Credit Card use? How much do you believe 19:12 in paying by cash? How much should be 19:14 donated to spiritual activities? These, 19:18 we get into all of these areas. 19:20 Yeah, I have a friend who you know; 19:22 the Bible says that one of the gifts of the 19:24 Holy Spirit is the gift of giving. And she has the 19:27 gift of giving. I mean she usually double tithes, 19:30 but then her offerings and then what she does 19:33 to support. You know, this woman would 19:35 just literally give away the shirt off her bag. 19:37 She works hard makes good money, 19:39 but she's just a giver. It creates so many 19:42 problems in the relationship with her 19:44 husband because he on the other hand is very 19:46 tight, he doesn't want to give and he, 19:49 they stay mad at each other and each other's 19:51 throats over this very issue all the time. 19:54 Now, notice Shelley they could still both the 19:57 members of the same religious groups and 20:00 differ on finances, but if one was the Sabbath 20:04 keeper and really into giving and the other 20:08 was not and not into giving, we have double 20:11 trouble, yes, then at that point. Yes. 20:15 So, this, this likeness in spiritual values is very 20:19 important also, but money is a value. 20:22 So, we have to be very careful. 20:24 Even how we use time? Time being a value I, 20:28 I'm very time oriented. Now, if you are the 20:33 efficiency expert, who do you marry? 20:36 The slow and easy going kind, I don't know 20:38 why God put the two of us together, 20:41 but my husband is very, very slow, 20:44 but I need him to slow me down a little bit, 20:47 but here he needs me to speed him up a 20:51 little bit. So, in our case this has worked out, 20:54 but I want you to know something, 20:55 there are still times, when I would like to light 20:58 a fire cracker under Harry? But now so, 21:01 then what you're saying is, is we're discussing 21:03 this as dangerous signals. It depends on your 21:06 ability when it comes to values it's hard to, 21:13 it's hard to accept somebody who's value 21:15 system is different in yours, I mean those are 21:17 serious problems, but if your goals and like, 21:20 if he's not as time oriented as you are, 21:23 you're saying that, if you can work those out that, 21:26 it, it isn't always a signal that you're not 21:28 going to be able to be successful relationship. 21:32 You just have to know you're gonna meet some 21:33 challenges and face them. You're gonna have 21:35 some challenges. Now, with Harry and me, 21:37 I'm extremely organized and time efficient. 21:41 And he is extremely slow, so it has, 21:44 it has created a few problems for us, 21:46 but if somebody else is more moderate in their 21:49 extremes then we are, it would not present 21:52 enough problems, but this is been a real challenge 21:54 for Harry and me to workout, 21:57 we have worked it out, but it has not been easy. 21:59 Okay! You know, what about, 22:01 what's another signal that that would be a 22:04 real danger signal for relationship. 22:06 Another interesting one is what I call a BTN. 22:11 BTN. What's a BTN? A BTN is better than nothing. 22:17 Oh! It means you're settling for something. 22:18 You're settling, you know you're pressing forty, 22:22 the biological clock is running out, 22:26 your inner relationship is good looking, 22:28 he, he's been married twice before, 22:32 but we're not going to you know, 22:35 that past doesn't matter. Even he's got some 22:38 qualities that you're not too much in favor of, 22:42 but most of the time you get along pretty 22:45 good and there's nobody else around right now. 22:49 And you've been together two years now and 22:52 it becomes so difficult to break up a relationship 22:56 after a two year time frame, so we just drag 22:59 on and drag on, it's an easy comfortable 23:03 relationship. In the mean time you're building 23:07 quite a history together, so it gets very, 23:10 very difficult to break out of a relationship like 23:14 that it's not a good one, it's not a bad one, 23:16 but it's better than nothing. We have to, 23:18 we have, we can go places together, 23:21 people now see us as a couple. Yeah. 23:25 So, it just drags on. So, that's just, 23:27 that something that's dangerous because 23:29 when you get married, then if that is your 23:31 commitment or your attitude. 23:33 The commitment is very weak in the beginning. 23:36 Yes, and people who stay in BTNs really do not 23:41 have high self esteem, if they really valued who 23:46 they were, they would see that this relationship, 23:49 the relationship of this time, type would be 23:51 tearing them down. We don't stay 23:54 in relationships; we shouldn't stay in 23:55 relationships that are not contributing to our 23:59 welfare. So, if a relationship is not 24:02 positive and it's not really going some place 24:06 you know, that God cannot bless your 24:08 future together. I, I might say against 24:12 spiritual oneness people will stay in a BTN 24:17 relationship with somebody of the opposite sex 24:21 who is not of their same religious persuasion 24:25 just because, well there is nobody else 24:27 surround right now. And he's a better Christian 24:30 than others that I've known, maybe even 24:32 Sabbath keepers. So, they make up all kinds 24:36 of excuses, but if that person is not contributing 24:41 to your self worth and you know really it's a BTN. 24:45 It is time to get out. Yeah, you know when 24:48 we're talking about differences and value 24:50 systems, it just occurred to me that even, 24:53 I have one couple that I knew that he was very 24:56 physical, he liked to go rock climbing, 24:59 he liked to be in the great outdoors and she 25:01 was very much you know, she preferred to stay 25:04 home and knit you know. And they had a lot 25:07 of difficulties in their relationships and 25:10 eventually broke up over this because they, they 25:12 had two lifestyles. So, lifestyle and, and truly, 25:16 if there is a spiritual oneness with God, 25:19 which First Corinthians 6:17 says, 25:22 that those were in Christ Jesus are one in spirit 25:25 with God. If you've got one person who's got 25:28 a spiritual oneness with the Lord and the other 25:30 doesn't, the lifestyle factor comes in because 25:35 the one with the relationship with God's 25:37 gonna want to spend more time in the Bible 25:40 and prayer, devotion having that private time 25:42 with the Lord, going to church frequently, 25:45 whereas the other may say, well I don't wanna 25:47 go to your church, if they keep a different day 25:50 of worship, the tithe issues, there are so many 25:53 things that come into play and this is a danger 25:55 relationship, it is, a danger signal. 25:58 And in the early stages of dating generally one 26:01 is more accommodating, yes, and just to be, 26:06 to be easy, they'll go to church with the other one. 26:11 And they'll move along like this without any open 26:16 war of any kind. And so, the person thinks well 26:21 they're converting, they're coming around my 26:23 way of thinking. And then it does not really open 26:26 up till after marriage, when the masks come off. 26:30 I talk a lot about masking during these two years. 26:34 That's the reason I recommend two years 26:36 of dating prior to the time that a couple gets 26:39 married because a mask can't be worn for two 26:43 years, you can mask up till like a year of dating, 26:48 but after that the mask gets heavy, 26:50 it gets hard, it begins to slip, that's good, 26:54 and so that's when the real person begins to 26:57 come out. So, these three months courtships, 27:01 this just doesn't work, it just doesn't work. 27:03 Well, then let me try to recap just a little, 27:06 if you're in a relationship and you have someone 27:09 who is very argumentative maybe they are actually 27:13 fighting with you, not just verbally, 27:16 but there if it escalates to any kind of a 27:18 physical involvement where they're hurting you, 27:21 get out of that relationship, 27:22 and that is a danger signal, but the others 27:25 you want to watch out for as well because 27:27 it could be a danger that you are not going 27:30 to have a successful marriage if relationship 27:33 were to continue. Nancy thank you, 27:34 so much our time went by so fast I'm sorry, 27:38 but we're so glad you're here and we want you 27:39 to come back again. And for those of you 27:41 at home we just thank you for joining us today. 27:44 And I hope that you'll share these thoughts 27:46 with someone that you know who is single 27:48 or if you're single, please pay attention to these 27:51 warnings. Join us again next time, thank you. |
Revised 2014-12-17