Hello, I'm Shelley
Quinn and welcome again
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to Issues and Answers. Today,
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we have a very
important issue to talk about;
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especially if you are
single and dating and,
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and we're gonna
talking about how to spot
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danger signals
in a relationship.
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Let me share the
scripture with you.
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The Bible says in
Galatians 6 verse,
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I'll start with
verse 19. It says,
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"Now these are the
practices of flesh and,
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it goes on to
say these are clear,
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immortality,
impurity, indecency; idolatry,
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sorcery, enmity,
strife, jealousy, anger,
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selfishness,
divisions, party spirits, envy,
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drunkenness,
carousing and the like,
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I warn you before hand,
just as I did previously,
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that those who do
such things shall not
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inherit the
Kingdom of God." You know,
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this is a warning more for it's,
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it's a warning
for all of us indeed,
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but it is a
particular warning that we want
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to focus on today
with, if you are single,
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we want to talk to
you about smart love for
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relationships and what
to watch out for in dating.
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And we have a very
special guest with us;
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she is a certified
Family Life Educator.
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She's written 28 books,
she's been to 55 countries,
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soon to be 57 and she
is a popular guest here
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at 3ABN. And I'm
talking about Nancy Van Pelt.
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Nancy, once again
what a joy to have you.
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Thank you, pleasure to be here.
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Well, we're gonna be
talking about something
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today that actually
this is one that will cover
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all ranges of all
ages because we have heard
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so much on the news
and then when I go out
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and minister I hear
so often people who are
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involved in bad relationships.
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And unfortunately
some people saw these
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warning signs
when they were dating,
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but they didn't pay
attention to red flags
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that were going up,
they thought they could
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change the person
they married them and
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they're miserable
in their marriages.
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So, let's talk
about the danger signals
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in relationships. It
is an important subject
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because in
interviews that have been done,
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they've found that
about 38% of people
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recognize these
dangerous signals before they
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got married and
they went ahead and got
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married anyway. Even
though they could see
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all these issues.
It doesn't make sense.
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It doesn't make
sense, no. That doesn't make
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any sense at all. If
you are in a relationship
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where there is a
whole lot of arguing and
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fighting going on
and you think that once
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you get married
it's going to get better,
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somebody has pulled
the wool over your eyes.
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Somebody is
pulling somebody, yes.
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Arguing and fighting
is one of the big issues,
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because it's an
indication that you are
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conflicting on
something you probably have
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conflicting goals or
values there and another
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thing that you need
to look at is how long
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the arguments are
and how loud they are
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because we could be
getting into anger issues
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and this kind of
thing. You know, I'm thinking
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back to when our
son was dating a girl by
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the name of Anna.
They could do more arguing
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even on the
telephone, but one day Anna
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came it was a long
distance relationship,
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so she came to visit
us and she got dressed
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and Mark was taking
her out for a dinner
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that night. And they
left and I started waving
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goodbye and so
forth. And Mark hadn't even
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gotten a block away
before I saw him throw
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that car into
reverse, back it up.
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She gets out, she's
crying, he drives off.
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Now, I have a crying
girl on my hands and I said,
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what's the trouble? She said,
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he didn't like
what I was wearing.
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These two could argue
about anything and I said,
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Mark, if you
argue this much before
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you're married,
what's going to happen after
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you're married?
Yeah, and you know,
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sometimes it seems
to me that when you
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have someone who is
incredibly argumentative,
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it is a form of
manipulation and control.
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It is, this is a
definitely a control issue and
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what we need to look
at is how who's winning
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and who's losing.
Now, none of us mind losing
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once in a while, but
none of us want to be on
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the losing end all of
the time, so this is what
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makes it a control
issue. And when you eyed
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to me, you know and, and
I, I'm very blessed Nancy
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and I think you
and Harry have a great
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relationship, JD
and I have a wonderful
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relationship. He's a peacemaker,
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I'm a peacemaker. And
I don't like arguing and
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I think in nearly 20
years of marriage we've had
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two arguments and, and what and,
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I mean not that
we don't disagree,
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but we don't
argue when we disagree.
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We talk about it,
we communicate well;
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to me when someone
breaks into an argument
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it's also a signal
that they cannot communicate
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well and if they
don't get this taken care
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of while they're
dating, certainly it's not
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going to go away
when they get here. Not
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going to get any
better and they do not have
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the conflict
resolution skills and I believe
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this is number one
that any couple needs
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to have is the
ability to talk about things
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respectfully without undo anger,
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if they can communicate
and lay their reasons
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down and
negotiate to some kind of a,
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a conclusion that is
amendable to both of them
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then we have a
couple who can make a good
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marriage. And
isn't it true that when
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couples are, are
dating and usually they're
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on their best
behavior when they're dating.
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And that's what
interesting to me,
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if you think
someone's on their best behavior
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and you see this
argumentative, this
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fighting, this wanting
to just be at each other's
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throats all the time.
It, it is just a signal
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that there is more
under the surface and
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quite often what you
see particularly in young.
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I'm, I mean I don't know
the statistics like you do,
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but I particularly
when I'm counseling with
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couples or and I'm
talking about parents actually
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who have young
children, who get involved
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teenagers and
college aged students,
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who are involved
in a very heated,
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what's the word
that I'm looking for?
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An explosive relationship
is what I'm thinking of.
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They're usually,
that's the tip of the iceberg
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and often it
escalates to become something
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more than just an
exchange of words.
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Exactly, and this
doesn't always come out until
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after the couple is
married. And this is what
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I'm trying to get
couples to do, is look at these
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issues before we get married.
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Take your time now,
not wait until after
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we're married and
then go into the counseling
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scene. Nobody
wants to take the time;
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they don't like the
word counseling, no,
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prior to the time
that they're married.
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We don't have any
problems, we don't need
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counseling, but yes
call, call a premarital
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guidance, call it what you may,
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but sort through these
issues. And by the way,
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this is one of these
issues that this prepare
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test that I was
mentioning in a previous show,
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this would point out
your ability to look at
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issues and discuss
them and negotiate through
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to a clear resolution
that both of you could
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be happy with. Yes!
Well, now Mark and Anna
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didn't get married,
did they? No, they didn't.
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No, they didn't. And
it's a good thing they
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did not. So, was this
is a stage that Mark was
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going through or it
was something that it was,
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because they had
different goals maybe
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what she was wearing
was too revealing or.
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It, it, it was a lot of
different things because
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Mark is an arguer.
I always say he missed
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his occupation, he
should, he should have been
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a lawyer you know.
He enjoyed that kind
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of things, so he
would need a partner then
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that would enjoy
arguing because that was
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kind of
challenging to him and such,
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it needs to be
included with that,
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needs to be the
respect, no name calling
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and not escalating
to the point of anger.
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So, when you're,
when you're using the word
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arguing then you
can use the word argue
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for a disagreement.
See when I, when I think
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of argue I'm thinking
of something that's getting
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a little more heated
and this is a very dangerous
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thing when it
starts, when somebody starts
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raising their voice,
when they do start making
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you know, some slurs
or name calling to me
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that's a real danger
signal. I think it is true
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because then we go
into all your anger issues,
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but yes, I would like
to see people handle it,
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discuss it prior to
the time that it gets into
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a full blown argument,
its too late because the
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emotions get too high,
too involved at that point.
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Okay. So, this
is a danger signal,
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we're gonna come
back to this 'cause we're
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gonna look at several
danger signals and then
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talk about these in
more details. What's another,
00:09:22.28\00:09:24.06
another danger
signal? Another danger signal
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is abuse. Now,
why would a, a woman,
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men can be
abused also, but major,
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the major issue
here is for women.
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Now, why would a
women stay in a relationship
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that is abusive.
First of all we think of
00:09:38.87\00:09:41.42
physical abuse, when
we talk about the word
00:09:41.43\00:09:43.95
abuse? But physical
abuse is generally speaking
00:09:43.96\00:09:47.33
not the first indication
of an abusive relationship.
00:09:47.94\00:09:50.95
Generally it starts
with control, yes. And
00:09:51.48\00:09:54.70
he has to know where
you are every minute,
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where you are
going; who you are with,
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is control issues?
He may want to reach you
00:10:00.32\00:10:04.22
by a cell phone
and people that are not
00:10:04.73\00:10:07.99
experienced relationships
and the controlling
00:10:08.00\00:10:11.38
behavior of others.
Sometimes think that this
00:10:11.39\00:10:14.06
is oh! He loves me so
much he just can't leave
00:10:14.07\00:10:17.82
me alone, but that's how
it begins is with control.
00:10:17.83\00:10:21.15
One fellow even
followed his girlfriend
00:10:21.68\00:10:23.90
to a hairdresser to
make sure that she got
00:10:24.38\00:10:27.39
her hair cut and styled
in a way that he wanted.
00:10:27.40\00:10:31.18
So, it goes into all
areas of life and later
00:10:31.71\00:10:34.51
on it can go
into a physical abuse.
00:10:34.52\00:10:37.45
Now, control also
can mean that maybe they
00:10:37.96\00:10:40.65
start this to me is
a huge danger signal
00:10:40.66\00:10:43.44
is when you see that
they start limiting your
00:10:43.96\00:10:46.71
circle of friends, yes,
limiting your involvement
00:10:46.72\00:10:49.49
with your family, that's
when it's really dangerous.
00:10:49.50\00:10:52.77
Yes, it gets very
dangerous then and
00:10:53.27\00:10:56.00
also when it
finally does explode into
00:10:56.52\00:10:59.86
a physical
confrontation. One fellow,
00:11:01.09\00:11:04.18
if the girl was
standing against the wall and
00:11:05.49\00:11:07.12
he comes up with his
fist and he puts his fist
00:11:07.68\00:11:10.38
through the wall.
He never touched her,
00:11:10.39\00:11:12.26
but what message
was he sending her.
00:11:12.95\00:11:14.91
Oh! Absolutely! You,
you crossed me baby and
00:11:15.85\00:11:18.05
you're gonna get,
you're gonna get this right
00:11:18.06\00:11:20.27
on the face next
time. Now, let's look at the
00:11:20.28\00:11:22.86
issue now, why would a
woman stay in this kind
00:11:22.87\00:11:26.01
of a relationship?
First of all, she maybe
00:11:26.02\00:11:28.92
desperate, she
maybe used to abusive
00:11:28.93\00:11:31.69
relationships, but
whatever the reason,
00:11:31.70\00:11:33.89
it is a self esteem
issue. Yes. And only when
00:11:33.90\00:11:37.89
a woman has enough
worth, self worth to say,
00:11:37.90\00:11:40.96
I'm not taking this
any more and walking away
00:11:40.97\00:11:43.94
from it. And maybe a
third category that is
00:11:43.95\00:11:47.59
that's you know the Bible says,
00:11:48.32\00:11:49.85
"We become who we Behold." Well,
00:11:49.86\00:11:52.47
if a woman has
seen a in her own family
00:11:52.98\00:11:57.38
relationship between
her mother and father,
00:11:57.39\00:11:59.19
if her father was
abusive and controlling
00:11:59.95\00:12:02.05
of her mother then
she watched her mother
00:12:02.06\00:12:05.07
take that and she has
begun to get this picture
00:12:05.08\00:12:07.74
that this is what
it's going to be like,
00:12:07.75\00:12:09.54
so she does take
it, but that's a very,
00:12:09.55\00:12:11.90
I mean there's a lot
of reasons that people
00:12:12.50\00:12:14.77
might take that
and all unhealthy.
00:12:15.36\00:12:17.33
Yes! And stay in a
relationship like that,
00:12:17.34\00:12:20.30
yeah. One other things
that I do is talk to women
00:12:20.31\00:12:23.65
at abuse centers,
right, and teach them about
00:12:23.66\00:12:26.88
the worth that God
really places on a woman
00:12:26.89\00:12:29.97
and they have to
learn this first or they're
00:12:30.58\00:12:32.63
going to go right back
into abusive relationships.
00:12:32.64\00:12:36.04
And at a break time
one woman came to me
00:12:36.05\00:12:38.47
and she said, Nancy,
I have a 5-year-old son.
00:12:38.48\00:12:41.55
And she said, he
has seen me be dragged
00:12:42.27\00:12:44.60
around by my hair and
used as a punching bag,
00:12:44.61\00:12:47.68
is this going to
effect him? Yes, of course
00:12:47.69\00:12:51.39
because we are
seeing a young man he's not
00:12:51.40\00:12:54.59
going to think of
women as having any worth
00:12:54.60\00:12:57.64
at all and he's
growing up in that environment
00:12:57.65\00:13:00.31
and he is going to do
the same thing because
00:13:00.32\00:13:02.99
he doesn't and
never learned to respect
00:13:03.00\00:13:05.74
a woman. You know,
it is so amazing because
00:13:05.75\00:13:08.60
truly, when the
Bible says, "We become who
00:13:08.61\00:13:10.75
we Behold." You'd
be surprised how many
00:13:10.76\00:13:12.81
people that I've
counseled with in the past,
00:13:12.82\00:13:14.71
who were abused by
their parents and then
00:13:14.72\00:13:17.19
grew up and abused
their children? And they said,
00:13:17.20\00:13:19.32
I always swore I
would never do this and
00:13:19.85\00:13:22.33
I can't believe
that I've done it,
00:13:22.34\00:13:23.69
but that cycle
does repeat itself.
00:13:24.25\00:13:25.91
And for a, there's
just one thing that I have
00:13:26.42\00:13:27.98
to pick on upright
now because when Nancy
00:13:27.99\00:13:30.30
was talking about
the self worth issue,
00:13:30.31\00:13:32.56
I just don't want to
miss this opportunity,
00:13:33.91\00:13:35.87
something the Lord
really impressed upon me
00:13:35.88\00:13:37.94
once to share with
others is to say this,
00:13:37.95\00:13:41.10
that no matter who
you are, no matter what
00:13:41.77\00:13:43.74
your
circumstances are right now,
00:13:43.75\00:13:45.36
you may not have
ever even received Christ
00:13:45.96\00:13:47.90
as your Savior, but the
Bible says in Romans 5:8
00:13:47.91\00:13:50.73
that He sent His son
to die for you while you
00:13:51.02\00:13:53.45
were still a sinner.
And let me tell you about
00:13:53.46\00:13:55.88
the worth that God puts
on you as an individual.
00:13:55.89\00:13:58.93
He says, you are
worth nothing less than the
00:13:58.94\00:14:02.55
price that He paid
to redeem you with the
00:14:02.56\00:14:05.11
precious life blood of His son.
00:14:05.12\00:14:06.82
So, you have great
worth to God and He puts
00:14:07.52\00:14:10.96
value on you and He
wants you to put value
00:14:10.97\00:14:13.54
on your life. So, we've
got these danger signals
00:14:13.55\00:14:17.46
that we're looking
at the, the idea of,
00:14:17.47\00:14:19.96
we've, we've gone
from someone that's has
00:14:20.95\00:14:23.51
anger, they're argumentative.
00:14:23.52\00:14:25.31
Now, if they become
abusive we're looking at
00:14:25.91\00:14:28.74
not just the
physical abuse which,
00:14:28.75\00:14:31.23
if someone touches you,
my sister lived in a very,
00:14:31.24\00:14:35.45
her first husband
abused her terribly,
00:14:35.46\00:14:38.33
broke her jaw, broke
her ribs, broke her nose
00:14:38.34\00:14:42.74
and each time he would tell her.
00:14:43.32\00:14:44.86
I will never do this
again and each time she
00:14:45.46\00:14:47.97
bought that, but
that is just a sickness.
00:14:47.98\00:14:50.68
But now there is
also that verbally,
00:14:51.28\00:14:53.79
I mean people can be
condescending to someone,
00:14:54.35\00:14:57.85
that's a form of
abuse, isn't it? Yes,
00:14:57.86\00:15:00.16
they call this an
emotional abuse, verbal abuse.
00:15:00.17\00:15:03.75
People continue to
stay in verbally abusive
00:15:05.14\00:15:07.86
relationships and
that can be as damaging,
00:15:08.40\00:15:11.47
look at it this way.
When, when, you, you,
00:15:12.04\00:15:15.48
you get hit on the
arm is going to cause
00:15:16.01\00:15:18.24
a bruise. How long
does that bruise stay there?
00:15:18.25\00:15:22.09
You know, a week,
10 days the bruise goes
00:15:22.63\00:15:25.32
away and soon
doesn't heard anymore.
00:15:25.83\00:15:27.42
And you forget that
you were ever hit there,
00:15:27.92\00:15:30.54
right, but when you are
verbally abused especially
00:15:31.36\00:15:34.27
if this verbal abuse
goes on year after year
00:15:34.78\00:15:37.09
after year. The
wounds that come from verbal
00:15:37.10\00:15:40.71
abuse last, if it
starts in childhood,
00:15:40.72\00:15:43.96
a person can be 40
years old, 50 years old,
00:15:44.43\00:15:46.80
60years old, still
living in the shadow of that
00:15:47.31\00:15:51.02
abuse that
happened years ago. Yes.
00:15:51.03\00:15:52.64
So, verbal abuse can
be even worse because
00:15:53.29\00:15:56.21
of the lasting
effects of it. Yes,
00:15:56.70\00:15:58.84
so if you've got
someone who is being
00:15:59.30\00:16:02.37
condescending and
acting like they think
00:16:02.92\00:16:05.66
you're stupid or I
mean this is another danger
00:16:05.67\00:16:08.64
signal because.
Another danger signal.
00:16:08.65\00:16:10.55
This is something
that someone is not,
00:16:11.01\00:16:12.71
I mean this means
that they're showing a lack
00:16:13.28\00:16:14.92
of respect for you
and that they really don't
00:16:14.93\00:16:19.05
appreciate your
value as a person,
00:16:19.06\00:16:20.87
so that is an abusive
form. And if they don't
00:16:20.88\00:16:22.82
respect you before
you were married they
00:16:22.83\00:16:24.58
are not going to respect
you after you are married.
00:16:24.59\00:16:27.45
Amen, amen. Okay!
So, what's another danger
00:16:27.46\00:16:30.58
signal? Another one
is conflicting goals
00:16:30.59\00:16:33.10
and values, yes.
And if one person wants
00:16:33.11\00:16:37.21
a home in the
country with a dog and family
00:16:37.22\00:16:41.16
and home schooled
children that kind of life.
00:16:41.75\00:16:44.01
And the other person
likes the fast city life
00:16:44.55\00:16:47.62
with big cars and
nights of the Opera.
00:16:48.19\00:16:51.76
You know, what we
have a conflict of,
00:16:52.26\00:16:54.72
of goals and values
here. And this couple can
00:16:55.37\00:16:59.55
pray together,
they can see counseling,
00:17:00.03\00:17:02.00
they can read
books, attend seminars and
00:17:02.55\00:17:05.43
you know what
they are never going to
00:17:05.44\00:17:07.47
solve this
problem. Amen. Their, their,
00:17:07.48\00:17:10.75
their in goals
are too different.
00:17:11.27\00:17:13.25
And that's something
that it people do not
00:17:14.40\00:17:16.94
have any idea till
they do get married how
00:17:16.95\00:17:19.22
critical that is, I
mean it may be a problem and
00:17:19.23\00:17:22.37
when we say that
this is a danger signal.
00:17:22.38\00:17:24.16
This is a, a signal
that your relationships
00:17:24.67\00:17:27.52
in danger that you
probably shouldn't go
00:17:27.53\00:17:29.48
forward and get
married until you, they say,
00:17:29.49\00:17:32.68
opposites attracts sometimes,
00:17:32.69\00:17:34.19
but if your value
system particularly say that
00:17:34.20\00:17:36.71
you're of different
religious backgrounds or
00:17:36.72\00:17:39.91
persuasions, if
one is a Sunday keeper,
00:17:39.92\00:17:42.22
one's a Sabbath keeper,
if one is a Christian and
00:17:42.23\00:17:46.10
one's an Agnostic.
These are things that
00:17:46.11\00:17:48.20
the Bible says, do
not be unequally yoked,
00:17:48.21\00:17:50.53
that's our, our
Lord's counsel to us.
00:17:50.54\00:17:52.48
And these are
things that can really make
00:17:53.05\00:17:55.35
a difference in
the happiness of our
00:17:55.36\00:17:56.87
relationship. You
see, we get into other
00:17:56.88\00:17:59.17
areas here, now we
get into money. You see,
00:17:59.18\00:18:03.04
how we use money is a value?
00:18:03.05\00:18:05.95
How we use our
time? Time is a value.
00:18:06.56\00:18:11.29
So, this is where we
get into some of these
00:18:11.99\00:18:16.36
areas and spiritual
these three, three are,
00:18:16.85\00:18:19.78
are three big areas
that couples don't want
00:18:19.79\00:18:23.06
to look at. I just
heard on the plane out here
00:18:23.07\00:18:26.39
to 3ABN. Somebody was
talking about a couple,
00:18:26.40\00:18:30.20
he is a, a, a financier
of some kind met somebody
00:18:30.68\00:18:34.78
at a singles retreat.
The two of them married
00:18:34.79\00:18:37.39
and they're having big
money problems right now.
00:18:37.40\00:18:40.65
Both intelligent
people discussed many things
00:18:41.29\00:18:43.96
prior to the times
that they were married,
00:18:44.44\00:18:46.06
but never
discussed finances. Yeah.
00:18:46.60\00:18:49.97
I mean this is, this
is craziness because this
00:18:50.58\00:18:52.88
again is one of these
values and this is where
00:18:52.89\00:18:56.28
again this testing
would come in very handy
00:18:56.29\00:18:59.20
because it would test
you. How would you both
00:18:59.21\00:19:01.68
think about money?
Who, who should handle it?
00:19:01.69\00:19:04.61
How it should be
handled? How are we going
00:19:05.15\00:19:06.92
to spend this money?
How much do you believe
00:19:06.93\00:19:09.39
in Credit Card use?
How much do you believe
00:19:09.40\00:19:12.20
in paying by
cash? How much should be
00:19:12.21\00:19:14.83
donated to
spiritual activities? These,
00:19:14.84\00:19:18.54
we get into all of these areas.
00:19:18.55\00:19:20.29
Yeah, I have a
friend who you know;
00:19:20.89\00:19:22.82
the Bible says that
one of the gifts of the
00:19:22.83\00:19:24.61
Holy Spirit is the gift
of giving. And she has the
00:19:24.62\00:19:27.84
gift of giving. I mean
she usually double tithes,
00:19:27.85\00:19:30.96
but then her
offerings and then what she does
00:19:30.97\00:19:33.17
to support. You
know, this woman would
00:19:33.18\00:19:35.04
just literally give
away the shirt off her bag.
00:19:35.05\00:19:37.45
She works hard makes good money,
00:19:37.46\00:19:39.06
but she's just a
giver. It creates so many
00:19:39.07\00:19:42.69
problems in the
relationship with her
00:19:42.70\00:19:44.40
husband because he on
the other hand is very
00:19:44.41\00:19:46.89
tight, he doesn't
want to give and he,
00:19:46.90\00:19:49.74
they stay mad at each
other and each other's
00:19:49.75\00:19:51.64
throats over this
very issue all the time.
00:19:51.65\00:19:54.27
Now, notice Shelley
they could still both the
00:19:54.84\00:19:57.64
members of the same
religious groups and
00:19:57.65\00:20:00.46
differ on finances,
but if one was the Sabbath
00:20:00.47\00:20:04.89
keeper and really
into giving and the other
00:20:04.90\00:20:08.10
was not and not into
giving, we have double
00:20:08.11\00:20:11.25
trouble, yes, then
at that point. Yes.
00:20:11.26\00:20:13.86
So, this, this likeness
in spiritual values is very
00:20:15.13\00:20:19.23
important also,
but money is a value.
00:20:19.24\00:20:21.95
So, we have to be very careful.
00:20:22.50\00:20:23.82
Even how we use
time? Time being a value I,
00:20:24.36\00:20:27.93
I'm very time
oriented. Now, if you are the
00:20:28.58\00:20:33.90
efficiency
expert, who do you marry?
00:20:33.91\00:20:36.10
The slow and easy
going kind, I don't know
00:20:36.66\00:20:38.92
why God put the
two of us together,
00:20:38.93\00:20:40.67
but my husband
is very, very slow,
00:20:41.20\00:20:43.81
but I need him to
slow me down a little bit,
00:20:44.30\00:20:47.76
but here he needs
me to speed him up a
00:20:47.77\00:20:50.97
little bit. So, in our
case this has worked out,
00:20:50.98\00:20:54.49
but I want you
to know something,
00:20:54.50\00:20:55.85
there are still times,
when I would like to light
00:20:55.86\00:20:58.10
a fire cracker
under Harry? But now so,
00:20:58.11\00:21:01.21
then what you're
saying is, is we're discussing
00:21:01.22\00:21:03.22
this as dangerous
signals. It depends on your
00:21:03.23\00:21:06.76
ability when it comes
to values it's hard to,
00:21:06.77\00:21:11.53
it's hard to accept
somebody who's value
00:21:13.38\00:21:15.30
system is different in
yours, I mean those are
00:21:15.31\00:21:17.40
serious problems, but
if your goals and like,
00:21:17.41\00:21:20.31
if he's not as time
oriented as you are,
00:21:20.32\00:21:23.38
you're saying that, if
you can work those out that,
00:21:23.91\00:21:26.50
it, it isn't always a
signal that you're not
00:21:26.51\00:21:28.79
going to be able to be
successful relationship.
00:21:28.80\00:21:31.83
You just have to know
you're gonna meet some
00:21:32.37\00:21:33.39
challenges and face
them. You're gonna have
00:21:33.40\00:21:35.00
some challenges.
Now, with Harry and me,
00:21:35.01\00:21:37.62
I'm extremely
organized and time efficient.
00:21:37.63\00:21:41.43
And he is
extremely slow, so it has,
00:21:41.92\00:21:44.12
it has created a
few problems for us,
00:21:44.89\00:21:46.89
but if somebody else
is more moderate in their
00:21:46.90\00:21:49.65
extremes then we
are, it would not present
00:21:49.66\00:21:52.39
enough problems, but
this is been a real challenge
00:21:52.40\00:21:54.77
for Harry and me to workout,
00:21:54.78\00:21:56.58
we have worked it out,
but it has not been easy.
00:21:57.15\00:21:59.04
Okay! You know, what about,
00:21:59.05\00:22:01.36
what's another
signal that that would be a
00:22:01.37\00:22:04.18
real danger
signal for relationship.
00:22:04.19\00:22:06.09
Another interesting
one is what I call a BTN.
00:22:06.59\00:22:10.02
BTN. What's a BTN? A
BTN is better than nothing.
00:22:11.42\00:22:16.21
Oh! It means you're
settling for something.
00:22:17.07\00:22:18.61
You're settling, you
know you're pressing forty,
00:22:18.62\00:22:21.92
the biological
clock is running out,
00:22:22.56\00:22:25.40
your inner
relationship is good looking,
00:22:26.04\00:22:28.88
he, he's been
married twice before,
00:22:28.89\00:22:31.45
but we're not going to you know,
00:22:32.00\00:22:34.86
that past doesn't
matter. Even he's got some
00:22:35.38\00:22:38.48
qualities that you're
not too much in favor of,
00:22:38.95\00:22:42.58
but most of the
time you get along pretty
00:22:42.59\00:22:45.22
good and there's
nobody else around right now.
00:22:45.23\00:22:48.62
And you've been
together two years now and
00:22:49.23\00:22:52.28
it becomes so difficult
to break up a relationship
00:22:52.87\00:22:56.12
after a two year time
frame, so we just drag
00:22:56.13\00:22:59.95
on and drag on,
it's an easy comfortable
00:22:59.96\00:23:03.43
relationship. In the
mean time you're building
00:23:03.44\00:23:06.71
quite a history
together, so it gets very,
00:23:07.26\00:23:10.50
very difficult to break
out of a relationship like
00:23:10.51\00:23:13.76
that it's not a good
one, it's not a bad one,
00:23:14.30\00:23:16.36
but it's better
than nothing. We have to,
00:23:16.88\00:23:18.78
we have, we can
go places together,
00:23:18.79\00:23:20.96
people now see us
as a couple. Yeah.
00:23:21.57\00:23:24.63
So, it just drags
on. So, that's just,
00:23:25.33\00:23:27.57
that something
that's dangerous because
00:23:27.58\00:23:29.20
when you get
married, then if that is your
00:23:29.21\00:23:31.01
commitment or your attitude.
00:23:31.02\00:23:33.21
The commitment is
very weak in the beginning.
00:23:33.77\00:23:35.87
Yes, and people who
stay in BTNs really do not
00:23:36.42\00:23:41.41
have high self esteem,
if they really valued who
00:23:41.42\00:23:45.81
they were, they would
see that this relationship,
00:23:46.32\00:23:49.24
the relationship of
this time, type would be
00:23:49.25\00:23:51.96
tearing them down. We don't stay
00:23:51.97\00:23:54.19
in relationships;
we shouldn't stay in
00:23:54.20\00:23:55.85
relationships that are
not contributing to our
00:23:55.86\00:23:59.38
welfare. So, if a
relationship is not
00:23:59.39\00:24:02.80
positive and it's not
really going some place
00:24:02.81\00:24:05.41
you know, that
God cannot bless your
00:24:06.19\00:24:08.56
future together.
I, I might say against
00:24:08.57\00:24:12.11
spiritual oneness
people will stay in a BTN
00:24:12.12\00:24:17.24
relationship with
somebody of the opposite sex
00:24:17.25\00:24:20.76
who is not of their
same religious persuasion
00:24:21.29\00:24:24.61
just because, well
there is nobody else
00:24:25.95\00:24:27.74
surround right now.
And he's a better Christian
00:24:27.75\00:24:30.78
than others that
I've known, maybe even
00:24:30.79\00:24:32.92
Sabbath keepers. So,
they make up all kinds
00:24:32.93\00:24:36.11
of excuses, but if that
person is not contributing
00:24:36.12\00:24:40.77
to your self worth and
you know really it's a BTN.
00:24:41.27\00:24:44.75
It is time to get
out. Yeah, you know when
00:24:45.26\00:24:47.76
we're talking about
differences and value
00:24:48.27\00:24:50.49
systems, it just
occurred to me that even,
00:24:50.50\00:24:52.38
I have one couple that
I knew that he was very
00:24:53.68\00:24:56.47
physical, he liked
to go rock climbing,
00:24:56.48\00:24:59.54
he liked to be in the
great outdoors and she
00:24:59.55\00:25:01.86
was very much you
know, she preferred to stay
00:25:01.87\00:25:04.95
home and knit you
know. And they had a lot
00:25:04.96\00:25:07.18
of difficulties in
their relationships and
00:25:07.19\00:25:09.98
eventually broke up
over this because they, they
00:25:09.99\00:25:11.87
had two lifestyles. So,
lifestyle and, and truly,
00:25:12.68\00:25:16.91
if there is a
spiritual oneness with God,
00:25:16.92\00:25:19.39
which First
Corinthians 6:17 says,
00:25:19.40\00:25:21.53
that those were in
Christ Jesus are one in spirit
00:25:22.38\00:25:25.13
with God. If you've
got one person who's got
00:25:25.14\00:25:28.34
a spiritual oneness
with the Lord and the other
00:25:28.35\00:25:30.80
doesn't, the lifestyle
factor comes in because
00:25:30.81\00:25:34.55
the one with the
relationship with God's
00:25:35.39\00:25:37.33
gonna want to spend
more time in the Bible
00:25:37.34\00:25:39.50
and prayer, devotion
having that private time
00:25:40.07\00:25:42.54
with the Lord, going
to church frequently,
00:25:42.55\00:25:45.19
whereas the other may
say, well I don't wanna
00:25:45.75\00:25:47.45
go to your church, if
they keep a different day
00:25:47.46\00:25:50.30
of worship, the tithe
issues, there are so many
00:25:50.31\00:25:53.00
things that come into
play and this is a danger
00:25:53.01\00:25:55.73
relationship, it
is, a danger signal.
00:25:55.74\00:25:57.72
And in the early
stages of dating generally one
00:25:58.22\00:26:01.41
is more accommodating,
yes, and just to be,
00:26:01.92\00:26:06.21
to be easy, they'll go to
church with the other one.
00:26:06.83\00:26:11.26
And they'll move along
like this without any open
00:26:11.91\00:26:15.16
war of any kind. And
so, the person thinks well
00:26:16.36\00:26:20.62
they're converting,
they're coming around my
00:26:21.12\00:26:23.46
way of thinking. And
then it does not really open
00:26:23.93\00:26:26.39
up till after marriage,
when the masks come off.
00:26:26.40\00:26:30.05
I talk a lot about
masking during these two years.
00:26:30.25\00:26:34.01
That's the reason
I recommend two years
00:26:34.02\00:26:36.48
of dating prior to the
time that a couple gets
00:26:36.49\00:26:39.48
married because a
mask can't be worn for two
00:26:39.49\00:26:43.89
years, you can mask up
till like a year of dating,
00:26:43.90\00:26:48.03
but after that
the mask gets heavy,
00:26:48.62\00:26:50.30
it gets hard, it
begins to slip, that's good,
00:26:50.89\00:26:53.95
and so that's when
the real person begins to
00:26:54.44\00:26:57.28
come out. So, these
three months courtships,
00:26:57.29\00:27:00.25
this just doesn't
work, it just doesn't work.
00:27:01.08\00:27:02.75
Well, then let me try
to recap just a little,
00:27:03.36\00:27:06.00
if you're in a relationship
and you have someone
00:27:06.01\00:27:09.22
who is very argumentative
maybe they are actually
00:27:09.23\00:27:13.82
fighting with
you, not just verbally,
00:27:13.83\00:27:15.75
but there if it
escalates to any kind of a
00:27:16.30\00:27:18.32
physical involvement
where they're hurting you,
00:27:18.33\00:27:20.51
get out of that relationship,
00:27:21.02\00:27:22.41
and that is a danger
signal, but the others
00:27:22.90\00:27:24.96
you want to watch
out for as well because
00:27:25.47\00:27:27.25
it could be a danger
that you are not going
00:27:27.26\00:27:30.04
to have a successful
marriage if relationship
00:27:30.05\00:27:32.96
were to
continue. Nancy thank you,
00:27:33.52\00:27:34.83
so much our time
went by so fast I'm sorry,
00:27:34.84\00:27:37.44
but we're so glad
you're here and we want you
00:27:38.02\00:27:39.36
to come back again.
And for those of you
00:27:39.37\00:27:41.65
at home we just thank
you for joining us today.
00:27:41.66\00:27:44.30
And I hope that
you'll share these thoughts
00:27:44.81\00:27:46.36
with someone that
you know who is single
00:27:46.87\00:27:48.32
or if you're single,
please pay attention to these
00:27:48.33\00:27:51.10
warnings. Join us
again next time, thank you.
00:27:51.11\00:27:54.18