Hello I'm
Shelley Quinn and welcome
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to another Issues and Answers.
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You know if you
are 30 or over and you
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are single or if
you know someone who is
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30 and over and they
are single then you'll
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want to call them and
tell them to stay tune
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to this because we
are gonna be talking
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about the dating
game for singles and
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particularly for
that age group today.
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I wanted to share
this scripture with you and
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its Psalms 16:11,
one of my favorite verses
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in the Bible. It
says, you will show me the
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path of life and in
your presence I find
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fullness of joy.
Well we have someone
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here today who is
going to help us see
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what God's path is
for those who are single
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and how to, learn how
to love smart and date
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smart for the
singles. And I'm referring to
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our special guest
who has done over a 1000
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seminars, she's
written 28 books and she has
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been in 55 countries
and it's my pleasure to
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welcome Nancy Van
Pelt. Nancy, I'm so glad
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you are here
today. Thank you I'm
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delighted to be
here. Well this is gonna be
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really, I think
something exciting because we
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have so many
people who write and call
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3ABN and they're asking
us, do something for the
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singles, and when we
talk about smart love
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for singles that
has something that we
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really need to
be trained in. Yes.
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Because singles
have special problems,
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especially after
they pass that age 30,
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get into that age
bracket beyond that
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and then especially
also following death
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or divorce. Yes. And
what do they do in the
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dating game.
Amen, amen. Now you are
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married, your
husband is Harry and you had
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three children, so
you've been through
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a lot of this
you've seen it not only in
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your ministry but in
home, in raising your
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children and you
know about his dating
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game, tell us a
little bit about how you
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became really
focused on this issue.
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I had written a
book called Complete
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Courtship which
was about dating for
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young adults and
then the singles began
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hearing some of
these principles that I was
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dating and they
said, Nancy, we want you
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to come to singles'
retreats and focus on
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some of the same issues and just
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upgrade it a little
bit. So I was doing that
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but then I thought
no this is not good
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enough, the issues
that singles faced are
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entirely different
then they are when they
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are teenagers,
yes. So I thought about
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writing a book, so
I wrote a book called
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Smart Love: A Field
Guide for Single Adults.
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And then I teach
singles ministries you
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know conferences and so forth.
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Praise the Lord.
Well I know that you are
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very big on the idea of pacing a
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relationship and
you've actually kind
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of divided this
down into seven steps in
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a relationship, why
don't you talk about
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the dating relationship for us.
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Alright, I believe
that pacing a relationship
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is so important.
You see it's called
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the dating game,
well you know we don't
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play a very
good game if we don't
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know the rules,
right. And people don't
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know the rules so
they can't play a good
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game but one of the
rules is learning to
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pace a relationship,
runners have to learn
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to pace a
relationship or they burn out
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before the end of the
race. So I have divided the
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dating game into seven stages.
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And singles have
trouble accepting
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these seven
stages because they think
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that they can fall
in love faster than a
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teenager can.
They're mature, but
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you know what it
doesn't matte whether
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you are 70 or
whether you are 17 falling in
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love always
affects you the same way.
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And when you are 70
it could even affect
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you a little bit
more deeply because it's
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been so long since you felt the
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accelerating feelings
of love, right, it could
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fool you into
trying to raise through
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these stages too fast.
But I'll tell you about
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some of these stages.
Stage number one is friendship.
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Now what does
friendship has to do
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with a
relationship? It has everything.
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Amen. Your best
dating relationships
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are going to come from
your circle of friends.
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So one of the big
rules for a single to do
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then is to have a
wide circle of friends and
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keep that
friendship circle going.
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This is how they're
going to meet a lot of
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new potential
partners. But in friendship
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there is no love,
direct love feelings at least
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certainly not at the
beginning but you can
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see a person easier
and you can see them
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after they get
a speeding ticket,
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you can see them
after they've had
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a hard day at
work. You can be with the
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opposite sex and get
to know them faster in
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a friendship level
then you could on ten
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formal dates, where
you dress up and you
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go out and you're
both on your best behavior.
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That's what I was just
getting ready to say is
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that, you know and
this is something that
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we don't really, a lot
of us at least don't like
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to refer to any
relationship as a game.
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But truly the dating
courtship there is that
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peacock
standards what I call it,
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where you know
you've got someone
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who is on their best behavior,
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they're spreading those peacock
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feathers and you
don't get to know someone
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as you said but being
a friend is critical to a
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relationship if
it's going to be a long
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lasting
relationship and especially if
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you're gonna
marry someone I can't
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imagine being married to someone
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who isn't a really good friend.
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A genuine, yes.
And very often when
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I am dealing
with a married person,
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a married couple
for example I'll say,
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do the two of
you like each other?
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Like each other.
Well what happened?
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They can't stand
each other, what happened?
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They fell in love so
rapidly; they forgot to
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move through these
stages that I'm talking
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about right now,
slow enough so they found
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out if they like
each other to start with.
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Okay I'm gonna
ask you a question,
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do you think that we
really "fall in love"
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or, 'cause they I
think that we grow in love
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in that state, you
know I stayed single
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for a long time, I
had a mother who have
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been married multiple
times and then I didn't
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want to repeat that mistake.
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So I stayed single
a long time, developed
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a career and
there were many times
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when I thought I
was in love, I was even
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engaged a number of
times before I met my husband.
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And it's
interesting when I met my
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husband we really
were more, we went
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through that
friendship then we became
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business partners
and worked together and
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I saw him in every
imaginable situation
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and we knew each
other inside and out
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before we really began dating.
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That's the way to do
it. You know we, we talk
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about a soldier falling
in battle, we talk about
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leaves falling off a
tree, that isn't the way
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we fall in love,
it's just a term, right,
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that we use. And
it's much better to
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say that we
grow into love, amen.
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And a tree grows,
how long does it take
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a tree to grow, it's a
lengthy process, right.
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But we don't
want to slow down the
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process of falling in
love. That's you know,
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once those accelerate
feelings takeover then
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we just kept put
the brakes on it.
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But stage one is the,
the friendship stage, right.
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Alright. Stage two is
the date, is casual dating.
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Alright now what
keeps it casual is that
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you are not in love
yet and it's an extension
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of the friendship
you already know the
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person and now you are
seeing that person alone.
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No, the group is no
longer with you so it
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takes the
relationship to a new level but
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there is no commitment,
you are still free to
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date others, should
there be other people
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in your life.
But because you are
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alone you get to
know that person on a
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different level so
it's, the relationship keeps
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growing and I like to
see people stay in that
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casual dating relationship
for a good period of time.
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So they really get
to know one another.
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Now, I can
already see that there's
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probably some problems in that
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if you are coming
into a causal dating
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relationship, how
do you keep it casual
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on both sides.
Well, if you got someone,
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what kind of
activities would you recommend
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so that you are
not letting one person
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their feeling
start blossoming and
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growing where they
want something more
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faster than the
other. You've asked a very
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good question because
I talk about two kinds
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of dates and I'm
not talking about good
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ones and bad ones.
Right. There are two
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kinds of dating
activities, one is the
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spectator date and one is
a participation type date.
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Now what would we
do on a spectator date,
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you're going to sit and watch.
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Well what kind of
examples can I use,
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going to a
sporting event, going to the
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movies probably the
most popular date in
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America, going to
plays or a concert,
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those are spectator type dates.
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And they have
some advantages because
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anybody can buy a
ticket and go and sit
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but what's the
purpose of dating.
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The purpose of
dating is to get to know the
00:09:49.28\00:09:51.79
other person when
you are sitting in a
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movie for example
what are you getting
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to know about the
other person, nothing.
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Next to nothing,
there is no time for
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conversation or
anything like that,
00:10:02.55\00:10:05.10
so it defeats the
purpose of dating.
00:10:05.11\00:10:07.64
So I recommend to people the
00:10:08.26\00:10:10.65
participation type of
date what I am talking
00:10:10.91\00:10:14.55
about, let's talk about
cooking a meal together.
00:10:14.56\00:10:17.86
If a couple were
to plan a meal what
00:10:18.71\00:10:21.69
would you learn?
You would learn about
00:10:21.70\00:10:23.12
the other person's
likes and dislikes.
00:10:23.13\00:10:25.77
If you were to go
shopping together,
00:10:26.14\00:10:28.09
what would you
learn? You could learn more
00:10:28.74\00:10:30.54
about their likes and
dislikes but you could
00:10:30.55\00:10:32.30
add to that now, how
they like to spend money?
00:10:32.31\00:10:35.05
Then if you come
home and you prepare
00:10:35.87\00:10:37.83
the meal together in
a kitchen you begin to
00:10:37.84\00:10:40.25
learn how you work
together as a team.
00:10:40.26\00:10:42.47
So you can learn
so much more about any
00:10:43.46\00:10:45.94
kind of an activity
where the two of you
00:10:45.95\00:10:48.62
can participate.
It slows things down,
00:10:48.99\00:10:51.96
you're not spending
time in a dark movie
00:10:51.97\00:10:55.41
theater or sitting
around listening to
00:10:55.42\00:10:57.30
music or watching
videos and DVDs that
00:10:57.31\00:11:01.29
kind of thing
which can lead to heavy
00:11:01.30\00:11:03.62
physical involvement.
So it has many, many
00:11:03.63\00:11:06.92
advantages. So that's how you
00:11:07.32\00:11:09.17
keep things
casual. Okay and in the
00:11:09.18\00:11:11.47
casual stage you
just hit on something that
00:11:11.48\00:11:13.98
I think is probably
very important, in the
00:11:13.99\00:11:16.20
casual stage you
are going to be to keep
00:11:16.21\00:11:19.02
things casually,
you've got to avoid
00:11:19.03\00:11:20.64
that heavy physical
involvement or just,
00:11:20.65\00:11:22.60
exactly, even
that kind I mean what
00:11:22.61\00:11:25.71
would recommend not
going any further than
00:11:25.72\00:11:28.51
a hand holding or a hug
at this casual date stage.
00:11:28.52\00:11:32.12
I can't lay any hard
guidelines on that but
00:11:32.13\00:11:36.05
couples have to look
at what is appropriate
00:11:36.06\00:11:39.43
for our level of
involvement here,
00:11:39.44\00:11:41.23
we are casual
friends. I maybe dating this
00:11:41.24\00:11:43.97
person I maybe
going skiing with this one
00:11:43.98\00:11:46.86
and off to it, so I
may have two or three
00:11:46.87\00:11:49.91
partners, how much
emotional and sexual
00:11:49.92\00:11:54.35
energy do any of us
have to invest in that
00:11:54.36\00:11:57.33
many people. And
when you're talking
00:11:57.34\00:11:59.50
about that we
are not talking about
00:11:59.51\00:12:01.27
the truly, well I
start to say intimate acts,
00:12:02.79\00:12:05.29
but what we are
talking about sexual
00:12:05.30\00:12:06.96
energy, we're still
talking about keeping
00:12:06.97\00:12:08.83
things very
Biblical, being very pure, yes.
00:12:08.84\00:12:12.33
But there is
something even the intimacy of
00:12:12.71\00:12:15.58
exchanging the
kiss for example that is
00:12:16.50\00:12:19.29
very intimate act and
if you're still dating a
00:12:19.30\00:12:23.24
number of other
people, in my mind
00:12:23.25\00:12:25.31
anyway if I was
going on a casual date with
00:12:25.32\00:12:27.58
someone, it seizes
to be casual once you
00:12:27.59\00:12:30.91
start kissing,
exactly. Okay. It changes the
00:12:30.92\00:12:33.83
focus, right. And
kissing leads to more,
00:12:33.84\00:12:39.07
you see whatever
level of intimacy
00:12:39.08\00:12:42.20
we've achieved this
time we want to take
00:12:42.21\00:12:44.51
it to another level
another time, so every
00:12:44.52\00:12:48.03
person has to figure
out. They need to know
00:12:48.04\00:12:50.88
my steps to pair-
bonding, now that's
00:12:50.89\00:12:52.56
something that
maybe we should do a
00:12:52.57\00:12:54.46
program on, the
steps to pair-bonding are
00:12:54.47\00:12:57.35
what help people
lay down guidelines and
00:12:57.36\00:13:00.35
what makes this so
difficult Shelly is that
00:13:00.36\00:13:03.23
30 something
singles many of them have
00:13:04.41\00:13:06.52
been married previously, yes.
00:13:06.53\00:13:08.72
So they're not used to
putting limits on their
00:13:09.23\00:13:13.47
physical
affection for one another.
00:13:13.84\00:13:15.64
So where is the
stopping place when
00:13:15.65\00:13:18.54
you are no longer,
you've been married
00:13:18.55\00:13:20.14
and you've been
used to going through the
00:13:20.55\00:13:22.56
12 steps to pair-
bonding on a regular
00:13:22.57\00:13:24.68
basis suddenly
you reenter the dating
00:13:24.69\00:13:27.98
scene, you're supposed to stop
00:13:27.99\00:13:29.24
some place, people
don't know where the
00:13:29.25\00:13:31.47
stopping place is. So
then if you are doing,
00:13:31.48\00:13:35.33
I mean, I can't
imagine being single
00:13:35.67\00:13:38.24
again, I mean just
can't even imagine it
00:13:38.25\00:13:40.42
but there are so
many who are single out
00:13:40.43\00:13:43.72
there that what,
they've got to do is
00:13:43.73\00:13:46.64
I would say
number one you are really
00:13:46.91\00:13:48.90
praying about who
you are being friend,
00:13:48.91\00:13:50.99
I mean your
friends, who you're going to
00:13:51.00\00:13:52.59
start a casual
dating relationship, yes.
00:13:52.60\00:13:54.84
And pray together,
I mean I would believe
00:13:55.37\00:13:57.17
that, that would be
a very important thing
00:13:57.18\00:13:58.94
to begin, the beginning of your
00:13:58.95\00:14:01.14
relationship is to
pray that the Lord will help
00:14:01.15\00:14:03.77
you develop this
friendship to see if
00:14:03.78\00:14:06.15
you should go any
further as into this
00:14:06.16\00:14:08.42
more serious dating
relationship and ask
00:14:08.43\00:14:11.76
and set, I mean
would you recommend that
00:14:11.77\00:14:14.00
you actually sit
down and talk with one
00:14:14.01\00:14:16.17
another before you
begin a casual dating
00:14:16.18\00:14:18.12
relationship and say
let's set some ground
00:14:18.13\00:14:20.73
rules here, here's
what we're going to do and
00:14:20.74\00:14:22.72
here's what we are
not going to do because
00:14:22.73\00:14:24.31
we are not making
a commitment to one
00:14:24.32\00:14:26.09
another to be
exclusively dating one
00:14:26.10\00:14:29.58
another and we don't
want our friendship to
00:14:29.59\00:14:31.97
be ruined here, so
there's got to be some
00:14:31.98\00:14:34.32
kind of ground
rules, isn't there?
00:14:34.33\00:14:35.70
Yes, and I recommend that,
00:14:36.50\00:14:37.68
that does not mean
that you start dating
00:14:37.69\00:14:40.58
somebody and
say hello my name is
00:14:40.59\00:14:42.25
Cynthia and I
don't sleep around. Yeah.
00:14:42.26\00:14:44.63
But setting your ground rules,
00:14:45.39\00:14:46.98
there needs to be some spiritual
00:14:47.71\00:14:49.03
oneness and of
course I recommend this.
00:14:49.04\00:14:51.71
But the trouble is
now I believe in what
00:14:53.14\00:14:54.80
you're saying
Shelley, but I want you to
00:14:54.81\00:14:56.75
know something when two people,
00:14:56.76\00:14:58.49
two single people
think they are falling
00:14:58.50\00:15:00.90
in love and they
pray about it, they God,
00:15:00.91\00:15:04.14
they say that God, I
think they're hearing
00:15:04.15\00:15:06.64
anything that God
wants them to hear,
00:15:06.65\00:15:09.94
you know they're just
believing that all and
00:15:09.95\00:15:12.93
I'm not so sure all
of that is from God.
00:15:12.94\00:15:16.49
Okay. So they do
need to use their head
00:15:16.50\00:15:19.58
and their heart
through this whole process.
00:15:19.86\00:15:22.55
Right. So once you've
gone from your, just a
00:15:22.56\00:15:26.24
group activities
with friends and you know
00:15:26.25\00:15:28.65
that you all have
something, there's
00:15:28.66\00:15:31.27
something that's
attracting you to one
00:15:31.28\00:15:33.06
another then
you begin the casual
00:15:33.07\00:15:35.35
dating where
you're gonna set some
00:15:35.36\00:15:36.59
ground rules and
say we're at least not
00:15:36.60\00:15:38.55
going to I mean
if we're still dating
00:15:38.56\00:15:40.58
others, we're going
to keep this more of a
00:15:40.59\00:15:43.59
friendship, it's
just two friends out doing
00:15:43.60\00:15:46.16
activities together
and you recommend that
00:15:46.17\00:15:48.79
you're doing the
participation type
00:15:48.80\00:15:51.18
things that you,
yes, and learning about
00:15:51.19\00:15:53.56
one another. So
what's the next stage?
00:15:53.57\00:15:55.82
Alright, the next stage
is called special dating.
00:15:55.83\00:15:58.93
They still have not
committed themselves
00:15:59.35\00:16:01.39
to an exclusive
dating relationship but
00:16:01.40\00:16:05.60
they've spend some
time; they know that
00:16:05.80\00:16:07.48
they're becoming more
special to one another.
00:16:07.49\00:16:10.12
Now this and it
can mean also two, for
00:16:10.34\00:16:12.59
two single adults
who are both out in the
00:16:12.60\00:16:15.08
business world
with jobs, their company
00:16:15.09\00:16:19.17
that they work
for may have an annual
00:16:19.18\00:16:21.30
Christmas party or
4th of July picnic, yeah.
00:16:21.31\00:16:23.85
Who are they going to invite?
00:16:23.86\00:16:25.86
They are going to
look around in their
00:16:26.17\00:16:27.95
circle of friends or
in their special dating
00:16:27.96\00:16:30.97
relationships for
somebody to invite,
00:16:30.98\00:16:33.19
so it means one of
two things either a
00:16:33.20\00:16:35.74
special occasion
event like that or it means
00:16:35.75\00:16:38.44
that the
relationship is growing.
00:16:38.45\00:16:40.25
Now stage four
then is where we move
00:16:40.67\00:16:43.42
into an exclusive
dating relationship
00:16:43.43\00:16:45.72
and this is where
the picture changes
00:16:46.12\00:16:47.74
because you are no
longer dating around.
00:16:47.75\00:16:50.44
The two of you have
an understanding that
00:16:50.95\00:16:53.30
there will be none
of that and if there is
00:16:53.31\00:16:55.40
then of course the
great break up will occur.
00:16:55.75\00:16:58.62
So there's, that's
stage four then is a
00:16:58.92\00:17:00.86
commitment level, that's for the
00:17:00.87\00:17:02.07
commitment level.
Okay. And of course
00:17:02.08\00:17:05.32
this has much
greater meaning for a single
00:17:05.33\00:17:09.29
adult than it does for
a teenager, absolutely.
00:17:09.30\00:17:12.21
Because as a
teenager all 12 and 13 year
00:17:12.66\00:17:15.03
olds you know are
going steady, but for
00:17:15.04\00:17:17.50
the single adult,
when they get to that level
00:17:17.51\00:17:20.34
they are seriously
looking one another
00:17:20.35\00:17:23.57
over and it can mean a lot.
00:17:23.58\00:17:25.17
This stage is an important stage
00:17:25.92\00:17:27.38
because this is
where you can do some
00:17:27.39\00:17:28.86
serious
evaluation. Once you become
00:17:28.87\00:17:31.26
formally engaged it's much too
00:17:31.27\00:17:32.92
difficult to break
up. But this also changes
00:17:32.93\00:17:36.45
the
relationship because they are
00:17:36.46\00:17:38.12
spending more
time alone together,
00:17:38.13\00:17:40.82
this is where couples
will declare their love
00:17:41.59\00:17:44.29
for each other,
it's much more serious,
00:17:44.84\00:17:47.84
this is a good time
for them to test their
00:17:48.43\00:17:50.64
communication
skills. If a couple can not
00:17:50.65\00:17:53.74
communicate now
they are not going to
00:17:53.75\00:17:56.72
do any better
when they're married.
00:17:56.73\00:17:58.89
I was in the bank
last week and I was
00:17:58.90\00:18:02.80
asking about some
royalty money that
00:18:03.16\00:18:04.93
was being
transferred and the banker said,
00:18:04.94\00:18:07.09
what's royalty money?
I said that's when you
00:18:07.59\00:18:09.63
write a book. And
he says, what do you
00:18:09.64\00:18:11.53
write about? I
said I write about
00:18:11.54\00:18:12.95
dating
relationships, are you married?
00:18:12.96\00:18:14.76
No, he said I'm
living with somebody.
00:18:15.11\00:18:16.69
And he was telling
me about he said, I need
00:18:17.67\00:18:20.82
to break up with her because our
00:18:20.83\00:18:23.23
communication is no
good. I said if your
00:18:23.24\00:18:26.03
communication is
no good now, what do
00:18:26.50\00:18:29.02
you think will happen
later on should you marry,
00:18:29.03\00:18:32.25
and he said I've got to
go home and change things.
00:18:32.79\00:18:35.25
But see once a couple
is living together it is
00:18:35.26\00:18:37.93
so difficult to
break up that relationship.
00:18:37.94\00:18:41.09
So a lot of this can go
on right now in stage four.
00:18:41.53\00:18:46.80
Serious evaluation
of how you communicate,
00:18:47.20\00:18:50.69
studying out your
conflict resolution
00:18:51.96\00:18:55.09
skills, do you
have the same likes and
00:18:55.10\00:18:57.42
dislikes, do you
have the same values?
00:18:57.43\00:19:01.07
It's your values,
your goals, absolutely, and
00:19:01.41\00:19:03.84
your belief system.
These are what matter
00:19:03.85\00:19:06.93
in the end,
absolutely. And this is a good
00:19:06.94\00:19:09.60
stage that, now are
we, this is the next
00:19:09.61\00:19:12.78
stage engagement
or, we have one stage
00:19:12.79\00:19:15.56
yet, okay, that's
engaged to be engaged.
00:19:15.57\00:19:19.30
Alright. Now, I like
that I've referred that
00:19:19.64\00:19:22.48
stage before. Well
it's when the couple is
00:19:22.49\00:19:24.41
talking about
getting married, but you see
00:19:24.42\00:19:27.10
it's not a formal
out, I'll tell you in a
00:19:27.11\00:19:29.42
minute what a formal
engagement is, but it's
00:19:29.43\00:19:31.45
just the talk
stage. Someday when we're
00:19:31.46\00:19:34.18
married, someday
when we have enough
00:19:34.34\00:19:36.23
money, someday when our past is
00:19:36.24\00:19:39.03
settled and the
divorce is final and all
00:19:39.04\00:19:42.12
of this, then we'll get married.
00:19:42.13\00:19:44.69
But nothing is
nailed down, so it's an in
00:19:44.86\00:19:47.81
between stage
between four which is
00:19:47.82\00:19:50.85
the exclusive and six, which is
00:19:50.86\00:19:54.08
the formal engagement.
And you said something
00:19:54.09\00:19:56.59
that I've just got
to pick up on because
00:19:56.60\00:19:58.33
you said someday
when the divorce is final.
00:19:58.34\00:20:00.86
So there are people
who are separated but
00:20:01.22\00:20:05.95
not divorced, who
are entering into the
00:20:05.96\00:20:09.36
dating game while
they are waiting for
00:20:09.37\00:20:10.81
divorce, which I
think you would probably
00:20:10.82\00:20:13.58
agree is a very unwise decision.
00:20:13.59\00:20:18.38
I take an extremely
hard stand on people
00:20:20.62\00:20:24.14
dating while their
divorce is still in
00:20:27.46\00:20:28.43
process and I don't
care if they have been
00:20:28.44\00:20:29.60
separated 13 years,
they are still married.
00:20:29.61\00:20:33.86
We have two kinds
of people, married
00:20:34.13\00:20:35.89
people, dating
people. Married people
00:20:35.90\00:20:37.77
simply do not
date, and anybody who
00:20:37.78\00:20:40.76
date somebody who
is in the process of
00:20:41.10\00:20:43.65
divorce or still
married they are very
00:20:43.66\00:20:46.94
emotionally
unstable and they are setting
00:20:46.95\00:20:49.12
themselves up for
big trouble. Absolutely.
00:20:49.46\00:20:52.02
And it's something
that you can't foretell
00:20:52.03\00:20:54.19
the future there
so. That's right.
00:20:54.20\00:20:55.88
Now, let me ask
this then once you get,
00:20:56.09\00:20:59.61
how do you know
when you're in that
00:21:00.16\00:21:03.10
stage of dating
where you are engaged to be
00:21:03.64\00:21:06.04
engaged, how do you
know when it's time,
00:21:06.05\00:21:08.42
when it's right
to say this is it?
00:21:09.07\00:21:11.35
I believe in
people using their head as
00:21:11.59\00:21:14.04
well as their heart and
there is a test, really?
00:21:14.05\00:21:17.94
That I want
everybody to know about and to
00:21:17.95\00:21:21.62
take and it's called prepare.
00:21:21.63\00:21:23.98
And there are
different versions of
00:21:24.45\00:21:25.73
it, if you have
been married previously
00:21:25.74\00:21:27.34
and you still
have children at home,
00:21:27.35\00:21:28.97
it's called prepare
MC. If you have been
00:21:29.25\00:21:31.60
living together
it's called prepare CC.
00:21:31.61\00:21:34.21
And this prepare
test is a 125 questions,
00:21:34.66\00:21:38.42
it measures you in
ten different areas,
00:21:38.74\00:21:41.92
finances, sex,
your communication,
00:21:42.31\00:21:44.60
your goals,
equality, all kinds of things.
00:21:44.94\00:21:48.36
And it can tell
you within 86 percent
00:21:48.90\00:21:52.54
accuracy whether
you will go through a
00:21:52.55\00:21:54.59
divorce or not. Any couple that
00:21:54.60\00:21:57.64
misses this opportunity
to test their relationship
00:21:57.65\00:22:01.62
is really missing so
much. Do people take those,
00:22:01.63\00:22:05.93
I mean what if
somebody gets a low
00:22:05.94\00:22:07.53
score, do they
really take it seriously and
00:22:07.54\00:22:09.37
say okay I can't
have anything to do with
00:22:09.38\00:22:11.00
you, because we flunk this test.
00:22:11.01\00:22:12.71
Well you see after
you take the test then
00:22:12.72\00:22:14.58
you go into counseling and you
00:22:14.59\00:22:15.80
work through the
areas that you do not,
00:22:15.81\00:22:17.93
you do not agree
on. Okay. And so it's a
00:22:18.57\00:22:22.57
powerful tool yet
I know couples that
00:22:22.73\00:22:25.90
will not take it
or well, where one
00:22:25.91\00:22:27.85
refuses to take
it. How would you get
00:22:28.66\00:22:30.28
that resource?
You have to find a
00:22:30.29\00:22:33.35
trained counselor,
its in my book Smart
00:22:33.36\00:22:35.98
Love, how to contact
the headquarters but a
00:22:35.99\00:22:39.13
person has to be certified
in order to do this test.
00:22:39.14\00:22:42.43
And the test is
called prepare, prepare.
00:22:42.44\00:22:44.27
Okay, yes. So now
walk us through the
00:22:44.28\00:22:46.12
last stage here,
now you're engaged,
00:22:46.13\00:22:47.68
alright the last stage
is, still dating, right.
00:22:47.69\00:22:50.19
The last stage is
a formal engagement
00:22:50.61\00:22:52.92
and several things
happen here to make
00:22:52.93\00:22:55.23
it formal. First of
all there is a public
00:22:55.24\00:22:57.86
announcement to
family and friends,
00:22:57.87\00:22:59.73
this is so
important when you become
00:22:59.74\00:23:02.10
formally engaged
your family needs to
00:23:02.48\00:23:04.92
know, your parents want to know,
00:23:04.93\00:23:07.00
everybody needs
to know, so it's no
00:23:07.01\00:23:09.29
longer a secret.
A secret engagement
00:23:09.30\00:23:11.93
is no engagement
at all, somebody is
00:23:12.23\00:23:14.97
fooling somebody.
There is a reason why
00:23:14.98\00:23:17.75
people, well we
don't want to tell anybody
00:23:17.76\00:23:19.63
yet, why don't they
want to tell anybody?
00:23:19.64\00:23:21.95
Engagements are public affairs.
00:23:22.33\00:23:24.94
So perhaps the reason
they don't want to tell
00:23:25.38\00:23:27.12
someone is because
they're afraid of what
00:23:27.13\00:23:29.80
the family's
going to say, afraid of
00:23:29.81\00:23:31.88
disapproval and that
would be a red flag to me.
00:23:31.89\00:23:35.99
Red flags. Okay.
And secondly a gift of
00:23:36.13\00:23:40.19
some kind needs
to be given by the
00:23:40.20\00:23:42.36
prospective groom to
the prospective bride,
00:23:42.37\00:23:45.54
this formalizes
that she has something
00:23:45.55\00:23:48.41
special in her
possession that has
00:23:48.42\00:23:51.88
been given to her
by the greatest man on
00:23:51.89\00:23:55.39
earth that she
can cherish forever.
00:23:55.40\00:23:58.43
And sometimes it can
be any kind of a gift,
00:23:59.11\00:24:02.47
sometimes it's a ring,
sometimes it's a set of
00:24:02.48\00:24:07.25
dishes, or a piece of furniture.
00:24:07.26\00:24:09.33
Then the third thing,
a watch, a watch, yes,
00:24:11.50\00:24:14.66
it can be anything
that she cherishes.
00:24:15.15\00:24:17.37
And so these are
some of the things that
00:24:18.16\00:24:21.39
make an engagement
formal, so then we are
00:24:21.40\00:24:26.15
we know and then
a formal engagement
00:24:27.00\00:24:28.78
really again take
your time you're not
00:24:28.79\00:24:32.13
married yet, this is
your last opportunity
00:24:32.14\00:24:35.37
for a close look
at our relationship.
00:24:35.81\00:24:39.10
And about 1/3rd of
all engagements, formal
00:24:39.50\00:24:42.87
engagements, to
break up an engagement is
00:24:42.88\00:24:45.99
still a far cry from
being legally married
00:24:46.00\00:24:48.94
and it is not a
signal that we are almost
00:24:49.53\00:24:51.61
married so we can
began a sexual relationship.
00:24:51.62\00:24:54.31
No, I'm sorry that is
still not God's plan for
00:24:54.52\00:24:59.19
the unmarried. Absolutely not.
00:24:59.20\00:25:01.40
You know I look
back in my life and as
00:25:01.78\00:25:04.04
I said I was engaged
a number of times and
00:25:04.05\00:25:06.13
thought that I was "in love."
00:25:06.14\00:25:08.76
But one thing
that happened Nancy
00:25:09.14\00:25:10.46
when I was just 13
years old I remember
00:25:10.47\00:25:12.94
a babysat for a woman was a
00:25:12.95\00:25:16.43
Christian but she'd married a
00:25:16.44\00:25:18.01
non-Christian and
her husband wouldn't
00:25:18.02\00:25:19.69
allow her to go to
church and I used to
00:25:19.70\00:25:21.40
go to her all the
time and say, are you
00:25:21.41\00:25:24.07
gonna lose your soul over a man,
00:25:24.08\00:25:25.89
so I prayed when I
was 13, Lord don't let
00:25:25.90\00:25:28.29
me lose my soul over a man.
00:25:28.30\00:25:30.21
And it was interesting
that I would sometimes
00:25:30.85\00:25:34.07
I would become
engaged and all of a
00:25:34.08\00:25:36.16
sudden it would be
like God was showing
00:25:36.17\00:25:38.06
me that this man
not going to walk in the
00:25:38.07\00:25:42.40
kingdom and I get
really serious with
00:25:42.41\00:25:44.44
God and really
serious with the man
00:25:44.45\00:25:46.16
about making Christ the
foundation of our marriage.
00:25:46.17\00:25:48.60
And as I said a
number of times that I was
00:25:49.31\00:25:51.31
engaged I look
back now and my husband
00:25:51.32\00:25:55.01
I know that the
Lord really prepared the
00:25:55.46\00:25:57.69
two of us for one
another and we went
00:25:57.70\00:26:00.74
through a two
year period basically,
00:26:00.75\00:26:03.07
we dated six
months, broke up but then we
00:26:03.08\00:26:05.47
continued to be friends and we
00:26:05.48\00:26:08.31
became business
partners and we are so
00:26:08.94\00:26:11.30
well suited for one another.
00:26:11.31\00:26:12.75
And there is
something that I look back on
00:26:13.23\00:26:14.88
any one of the
other engagements I think
00:26:14.89\00:26:16.89
I would have
been divorced. Yeah.
00:26:16.90\00:26:18.48
So the
engagement, this whole process
00:26:19.08\00:26:21.78
when people might say
we don't want to wait.
00:26:21.79\00:26:24.16
You're just
actually saving yourself some
00:26:25.33\00:26:28.35
heartache down
the road by making
00:26:28.36\00:26:30.44
certain that this
person. I tell people all the
00:26:30.45\00:26:33.38
time, I tell
young people the second
00:26:33.39\00:26:35.79
most important
decision you'll ever make in
00:26:35.80\00:26:37.89
your life, that's
right, is who you marry.
00:26:37.90\00:26:39.25
The first is
whether you accept Christ as
00:26:39.26\00:26:41.15
your savior but that
second is who you marry?
00:26:41.16\00:26:45.02
That's right. Now
this entire process,
00:26:45.16\00:26:47.92
I have one I call
the two year rule.
00:26:48.16\00:26:50.06
I don't think anybody should be
00:26:50.87\00:26:53.53
marrying anybody
until they've completed.
00:26:53.91\00:26:57.04
This two year process
all these seven stages
00:26:57.45\00:27:00.44
right through to
marriage number seven,
00:27:00.82\00:27:02.71
should I believe take
two years, not to rush.
00:27:03.73\00:27:06.89
Marriage is too
important it is lasting.
00:27:07.25\00:27:09.85
And to rush through
this at this stage just
00:27:10.58\00:27:13.16
shouldn't be done,
I don't believe that,
00:27:13.17\00:27:14.79
that is God's plan
for any single's life.
00:27:14.80\00:27:17.76
Sometimes they
say well we're so,
00:27:18.14\00:27:19.36
I'm so old, better
you take your time before
00:27:19.37\00:27:22.17
you get married, then
live a lifetime of regret.
00:27:22.18\00:27:25.06
Yes, and
unfortunately there are many who
00:27:25.31\00:27:28.13
had married too
soon and do regret it.
00:27:28.14\00:27:30.12
Nancy, thank you
so much for being here
00:27:30.46\00:27:32.44
today, what a joy
it has been and I just,
00:27:32.45\00:27:35.54
I know we are gonna
have you back to talk
00:27:35.85\00:27:38.27
some more on
Smart Love for Singles.
00:27:38.28\00:27:40.51
And now we just
want to thank you for
00:27:40.94\00:27:42.99
joining us today as
well and please watch
00:27:43.00\00:27:46.18
again next time
because we are going
00:27:46.19\00:27:47.90
to invite Nancy back
and we're going to be
00:27:47.91\00:27:50.47
talking about God's advice
00:27:50.48\00:27:52.53
for Smart love
for singles. Bye, Bye.
00:27:52.54\00:27:55.28