Hello and welcome
to Issues and Answers.
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I am Melissa
Summers and this is part two
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of a two part series
dealing with domestic
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violence and setting
the abuse record straight.
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And I really pray
that you did not miss
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part one because
we had some incredible
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information for
you. And our guest
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Dr. Amelia Rose,
and thank you so much
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for staying with
us now. This was just
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so much information
we had to break it down
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into two parts. So I
appreciate you staying
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for it, and coming
back. Now, we talked
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about first of all
you know you have a
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ministry, comprehensive
counseling ministries,
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where you work
with victims of domestic
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violence, you
employ cultural competent
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techniques for
faith based perspective.
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Now she explained
what that meant in
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phase one or the
first part of our series.
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So again I hope
you didn't miss it.
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And you incorporated
your personal experience,
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and I know it was
really you know hard for you,
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but I appreciate
you are sharing it.
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But where you led
us to in dealing with
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abuse and we'll
kind of back track just a
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little bit for those
that did not get to see our
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part one. That meaning
for domestic violence is?
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It's a pattern of
coercive and controlling
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behaviors within
the context of an
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intimate
relationship. And so you can,
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you will also hear
people call it intimate
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partner violence.
Okay, and you talked about
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the cycle of abuse. What
creates this cycle of abuse?
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Well you know its,
there is no hard and fast
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rule or procedure
that creates it, what we do
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know by observation
is that it seemed to
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behave in a cyclic
manner, which you know
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as I described
earlier is that people seem to
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go through this
phase of you know I call it
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tip and toeing or
walking an eggshell,
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and whatever
triggers that may intensify,
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and the next thing
you know that the actual
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battering begins.
Okay. And although this
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doesn't necessary
go from phase to phase,
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and one day after the next.
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Before long you know
that they're engaging
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into what's called
the honeymoon phase
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where there is a
gift giving, and you know
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making up, and all
of that stuff, and the
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whole issue has not
been dealt with yet.
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You know. And
you go right through,
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and before you know
it you are back at stage
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one again. You
mentioned that honeymoon
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phase, and I
marked somewhere in your
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book when you
were talking about it,
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and the quote
that you gave for it
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I don't know if I can
find it now but it was just,
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here it is. If the
victim is not killed or
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does not leave
the abusive situation
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the relationship may
enter what is known as
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the honeymoon or
reconciliation phase.
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Here the abuser
tries to apologize for his
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or her behavior, but
still inferring that the
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victim is
responsible. The batterer makes
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numerous promises
during reconciliation
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and tends to give
gifts to pacify the victim.
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But what really
stood out with me,
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you were saying if
the victim is not killed.
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So, the violence
escalates to a point
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where they could die?
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You could literally be
killed during that phase.
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And then the
accuser comes back and says
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I am sorry, and
oh baby, baby, honey.
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I am sure you got
to one of the stories,
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that when one of
the batterer or the
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perpetrator
actually killed his spouse
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and children. When
the cop got there and the
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parents of the
deceased, he was blaming the
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dead individual for
causing him to do it.
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Is there a
psychological issue with the
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perpetrator as you so
eloquently considers them?
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Well, you know
there are several things,
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there is this wheel
Duluth wheel that is used
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to describe you know
the pattern of behavior
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and what you know but
behaviors are implemented.
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Who created this?
Who created this wheel?
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This was a
Research Group done with the
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University of
Minnesota and a group that
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you know led by one
of those individual,
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the professors
there. So it's you know the
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Duluth Wheel it's
called, and it's based totally
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on the perpetrator
being the controlling
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influence. But I am
afraid as I work with
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agencies in
different communities.
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If we just stay on the
issue of just control as
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a cause you are not
going to get to the root
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of some of the
problems because we know
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from studies that
it's a learned behavior.
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So, if it's learned
then it can be unlearned.
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So you are saying
that they are not born.
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No. Abusers.
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No, you're not. I
mean you will see in the
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book too. Character is formed
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That's right. Right.
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You learn that from
different, some learn it
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in their homes or
their environment.
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We have all sort of
ways that we are seeing
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that impact, you
know the lives of people
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who batter. But that
does not, and you will
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see one of the studies
to it, it doesn't destine
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you because you
are born in an abusive
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household. Okay
To be a batterer.
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Okay, break it
down for me though?
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What is the
psychological mindset of an
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abuser or a perpetrator?
Do they really believe
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that the victim is the blame?
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Are they saying this?
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I think they do. It's
behavioral, and I guess
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if you do this so often.
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You believe your own lie.
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Overtime, you
are going to believe
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your own lie. So, I
mean it's easier for me to
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blame you than to
take responsibility
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for my behavior. Hmm. Okay.
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So it's like transferring,
you know its pretty
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much one of those
things that happen.
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And then it
becomes a way of life.
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Of course, because
if you are not the one
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who is
responsible for your behavior
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and someone else
is always causing it,
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then what do you
have to do, you are just
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going to continue to
do what you are doing.
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At what point does it
no longer remain love.
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You know when they say well,
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if I can't have you
no one will, you are not
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leaving me, I
will kill you first?
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That's not love?
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You know it's hard to
say, and I don't think
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I would cross the line
to infer that batterers
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do not love their
mates because it's two
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different issues here. Okay.
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I can love you, but
the way that I exhibit
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my love for you
could be dysfunctional.
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So it's not that
because someone batter that
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they don't love.
Most of them do love their
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partners. They just
have inappropriate ways
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of handing their
anger and the other issues
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that they maybe dealing with.
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You know one of
the issues that is not
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addressed a lot when
it comes to batterers
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or perpetrators is
their childhood upbringing.
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You know there could
be medical issues there.
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Like a hormonal imbalance.
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Well I leave that for the ladies
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to have hormonal
imbalance. No, men too.
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I know that they do,
but I jokingly say that
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sometimes you know.
Okay. But apart from
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the learning factor
there could be health issues.
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But, they grow up and
they see this in their
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family and yet on
child could definitely
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abort the whole act
of violence and another
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child carries it
out, and that is something
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we haven't actually figured out.
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How is it that
within the same household
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one child can choose
not to be a batterer,
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and the other is.
You know and with us
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talking about you
know this within the
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confines of
Christianity. You know what
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about just demon possession.
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You got the
devil in you because,
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like Cain and Abel,
there is one you know
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Cain killed Abel
because of his anger
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couldn't control it?
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You know it's
amazing that you should say
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that because
people seem to put things
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in the square box,
and they don't want to
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come out of that
box. So when you talk
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about the issue of
demon possession they are
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looking for you
know ghost walking around
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the house. Or in a bed.
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You know alcohol
could be a demon,
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abuse could be a
demon. I just feel that for a
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child of God to
exhibit that behavior.
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This is an issue of not just
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your fists or your
anger. It's an issue
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of the heart. It's
an issue of the heart.
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And the spirit
because you know what if you
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are not in Christ
there is no middle ground.
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Well, the scripture is
clear; it's some of the
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same scriptures
that are used to hamper
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woman get into
safe places from these
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abusive
relationship. There are similar
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scriptures that
you can use to support
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the fact that
violence is something
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that God hate,
Malachi. I saw here
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Malachi 2:16
talks about God hate in
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divorce and a man
covering himself or his
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wife in
violence, you know you have
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Isaiah 58 verse 4
that talks about you know
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one of the things
including violence,
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hinder your
prayers from being heard.
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So I mean when
it's very hard for me
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and still remain
difficult for me to see two
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people walking
hand in hand like David
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described into the house of God,
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and yet this is
something that you do.
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I'm sorry, yes. I marked it.
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I am sure you are
going to go for that.
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Because you are like you quote
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"Week after week I
lamented in my soul as
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I watch my husband
continuing to sing in
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the church choir
now. " You who are,
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you are victim of
domestic violence met
00:10:55.50\00:10:57.52
your husband in the
church. That's correct.
00:10:57.55\00:10:59.13
And this goes onto
say I also marveled over
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the fact that the
hands that held the sacred
00:11:01.96\00:11:04.19
scriptures in
church on Sabbaths were the
00:11:04.22\00:11:06.52
same hands that
choked me during the week.
00:11:06.55\00:11:09.28
This is your experience. Yes.
00:11:09.31\00:11:11.34
My faith was severely tested,
00:11:11.37\00:11:13.80
and this made
you, begin to question
00:11:14.36\00:11:16.73
the relevance of the
church, the integrity
00:11:16.76\00:11:18.71
of Christians, and
the reality of someone
00:11:18.74\00:11:20.95
called God. Well,
there are other people,
00:11:20.98\00:11:24.50
other victims that
are faced with this,
00:11:24.53\00:11:26.44
and how did you
bring it back to knowing
00:11:26.47\00:11:29.02
that Christ was the salvation,
00:11:29.05\00:11:31.45
and it was not him that left.
00:11:31.48\00:11:33.12
Well once you get
to the point first
00:11:33.54\00:11:35.70
where you're no
longer blaming yourself
00:11:35.73\00:11:38.04
for causing the
problem. Then you are
00:11:38.83\00:11:41.10
beginning to see a
little clearer. Okay.
00:11:41.13\00:11:44.16
You know you can
take all the mask off
00:11:44.53\00:11:46.94
and you can
attribute the blame to where
00:11:46.97\00:11:49.61
it truly
belongs. It is the devil
00:11:49.64\00:11:52.47
and it is in the
batterer. Okay, now I do not
00:11:52.50\00:11:57.59
want to make people believe that
00:11:57.62\00:11:59.53
they're in
situations that may make for a
00:11:59.56\00:12:03.81
worse outcome,
but it should not be
00:12:03.84\00:12:07.44
viewed as causing. Okay.
00:12:08.14\00:12:11.05
The abuse, I
know for a fact from
00:12:11.08\00:12:15.27
my own experience,
you hear my own words,
00:12:15.30\00:12:17.62
but from the people
who I deal with on a
00:12:17.65\00:12:20.50
daily basis, the
psychological pain
00:12:20.53\00:12:24.71
for them is
greatly increased when the
00:12:24.74\00:12:29.46
person who
batters them is also one
00:12:29.49\00:12:33.40
of your own faith,
so. Because you expect.
00:12:33.43\00:12:38.13
It's not just
depression anymore.
00:12:38.16\00:12:39.57
Because you expect so much more.
00:12:39.60\00:12:40.89
You expect so
much more, and you know
00:12:40.92\00:12:43.12
like many of us we
get in and you know
00:12:43.15\00:12:45.76
we thought that
we're angels in church.
00:12:46.08\00:12:49.23
And I don't why we
tend to not see that
00:12:49.26\00:12:53.35
God uses families even
in their dysfunctionality
00:12:54.19\00:12:58.29
to bring out the best
outcomes to his glory.
00:12:58.69\00:13:00.98
So there is no need,
although we still do it.
00:13:01.67\00:13:04.62
There is no need
for us to perform
00:13:05.03\00:13:08.17
and make believe in church.
00:13:08.20\00:13:11.32
Because the
church is for the sick,
00:13:11.35\00:13:12.75
not the well.
It's like a hospital.
00:13:13.22\00:13:15.36
As I said again I
don't really think that most
00:13:15.48\00:13:18.92
churches maintain an atmosphere
00:13:18.95\00:13:22.31
of openness and
where you encourage
00:13:22.34\00:13:26.29
truth because
if you penalize one
00:13:26.32\00:13:28.87
for speaking truth
you are indirectly saying
00:13:29.32\00:13:32.57
I do not believe in truth.
00:13:32.91\00:13:35.16
But this is why this
program is so important
00:13:35.37\00:13:38.16
because you know
there are lot of issues
00:13:38.19\00:13:41.12
and dysfunctions
but to point them out,
00:13:41.15\00:13:43.13
address them and deal with them.
00:13:43.16\00:13:45.02
Definitely we must do that.
00:13:45.05\00:13:46.54
You are on the
road, you are on the road.
00:13:46.57\00:13:48.18
And this just really
covers the psychological
00:13:48.21\00:13:51.30
and spiritual implications.
00:13:51.33\00:13:53.28
You know one of
the frightening things
00:13:53.55\00:13:55.01
for me to is and
you've heard it is the fact
00:13:55.04\00:13:58.52
that when someone
comes out and disclose,
00:13:58.55\00:14:01.61
and they're
ostracized and abandoned.
00:14:01.91\00:14:04.36
Not only are
they feeling abandoned
00:14:04.39\00:14:06.70
by their church community now.
00:14:06.73\00:14:08.44
They are feeling
abandoned by God.
00:14:09.20\00:14:11.60
They are
feeling betrayed by God.
00:14:12.98\00:14:16.16
So, when we talk
about the spiritual
00:14:16.19\00:14:18.80
connection I
cannot see how we could be
00:14:18.83\00:14:22.50
sitting there as if
nothing is happening.
00:14:22.98\00:14:26.52
I just think we need
to be little bit more
00:14:26.55\00:14:29.37
proactive when it
comes to family issues,
00:14:29.87\00:14:34.12
the church needs
to be more relevant
00:14:34.69\00:14:37.43
in it's work
because you know I see
00:14:38.32\00:14:41.48
it has to do a lot of it,
00:14:41.51\00:14:43.22
I am involved in a
lot of women's ministries
00:14:43.25\00:14:45.47
and family life ministries.
00:14:45.50\00:14:46.77
We cannot continue
to do family life days
00:14:47.51\00:14:51.90
and women's days. We need to do
00:14:52.35\00:14:55.89
ministries to
help to change lives.
00:14:55.92\00:14:59.72
So it takes more
than a day. A day,
00:14:59.75\00:15:02.09
a day is a
performance in a program.
00:15:02.13\00:15:04.44
A ministry is where
you actually advocate,
00:15:05.00\00:15:08.60
intervene and do
what the Lord asked
00:15:09.02\00:15:12.03
you to do through religion.
00:15:12.06\00:15:13.96
Let's talk about
intervening or intervention.
00:15:14.28\00:15:16.50
What do you look
for, how do you detect
00:15:16.87\00:15:19.18
a victim, if it's
not a physical because
00:15:19.21\00:15:21.40
you've already said in
part one of our program
00:15:21.43\00:15:23.98
that there is
three, you've got with the
00:15:24.01\00:15:25.71
physical, psychological. Sexual.
00:15:26.57\00:15:28.85
And psychological
could be emotional
00:15:28.88\00:15:30.58
and sexual. Okay you
don't see the physical,
00:15:30.61\00:15:33.53
how do you
recognize when someone.
00:15:33.56\00:15:35.68
You know it's very
difficult but if you have
00:15:35.71\00:15:38.19
worked with victims overtime,
00:15:38.22\00:15:41.23
you start seeing
a couple of things,
00:15:41.56\00:15:43.72
and I can tell you a
common one at church.
00:15:43.75\00:15:46.31
Often times when
victims get out into social
00:15:48.17\00:15:52.38
settings, like a
church setting where
00:15:52.41\00:15:54.23
they'll see
people that they love
00:15:54.26\00:15:57.56
and want to be
with, the tendency is they
00:15:57.59\00:16:01.69
want to be there
longer. So, after church
00:16:01.72\00:16:06.27
the batterer wants
to leave usually because
00:16:07.81\00:16:12.71
when they are around the people,
00:16:12.74\00:16:14.58
they're uncomfortable
and they're afraid that
00:16:14.94\00:16:17.54
something is
going to be revealed.
00:16:17.57\00:16:20.49
So, here is the
victim who wants to stay
00:16:20.87\00:16:23.96
at church a little
longer because that maybe
00:16:23.99\00:16:27.37
the few moments of
peace and solace that
00:16:27.40\00:16:31.34
that individual is
going to have being out of
00:16:31.37\00:16:33.83
that household, and
pretty soon this batterer
00:16:33.86\00:16:38.21
wants to go home. We can't stay
00:16:38.24\00:16:40.00
for any programs, we must go.
00:16:40.03\00:16:42.74
You know one of the
things that popped in
00:16:43.63\00:16:45.10
my mind also you know with these
00:16:45.13\00:16:47.40
is spiritual
discernment because you know
00:16:47.64\00:16:50.98
the closer you are
to the Lord and if you
00:16:51.01\00:16:53.61
love God then you
love people and you will
00:16:53.64\00:16:56.96
know something is not right.
00:16:56.99\00:16:58.49
You should know. I
am glad that you say
00:16:59.42\00:17:02.12
that you will know,
but I hate to say that
00:17:02.15\00:17:05.47
we all do not
know. But sometimes
00:17:05.50\00:17:08.56
we don't know because
we do not want to know.
00:17:08.59\00:17:12.40
Not even that
also, is it a point that
00:17:12.43\00:17:14.25
sometimes we don't take
time to even care to know.
00:17:14.28\00:17:16.79
You know I think we
could extend our care
00:17:17.37\00:17:19.51
much more. We have
gotten to the point
00:17:20.36\00:17:23.48
now where you know,
hello sister, whatever.
00:17:23.51\00:17:28.05
Okay, how are you
today and you don't stop
00:17:28.48\00:17:31.70
to hear me tell
you how I am today.
00:17:31.73\00:17:34.28
Really you don't want to hear.
00:17:34.59\00:17:35.99
It's just that it's a
habit; we have done that
00:17:36.36\00:17:39.27
for so long. You see
that's my point because
00:17:39.30\00:17:41.99
you have
discernment and with discernment
00:17:42.02\00:17:45.39
comes love and
care. And if you don't
00:17:45.42\00:17:47.32
recognize
something is wrong with the
00:17:47.35\00:17:48.82
person that's because
you may not taken time,
00:17:48.85\00:17:51.12
you might not know
what, but just in a
00:17:51.15\00:17:53.33
person's countenance, you
will see something is wrong.
00:17:53.36\00:17:56.53
But you have to
have the eyes to see
00:17:56.56\00:17:58.59
because I tell
you. And you have to see
00:17:58.62\00:18:00.55
see with your
heart. Yes. You know.
00:18:00.58\00:18:02.48
I have tried to
work, my work through
00:18:02.81\00:18:06.99
women's
ministries and family life
00:18:07.02\00:18:09.04
departments in certain churches.
00:18:09.07\00:18:10.81
And I thought I
would have had a hard time
00:18:11.34\00:18:13.81
from some of the
men, but you know who
00:18:13.84\00:18:15.97
gave me the
hardest time sometimes.
00:18:16.00\00:18:17.72
Were the women
who were heading up
00:18:18.22\00:18:19.87
these programs,
because, here's what
00:18:19.90\00:18:22.25
I learned. Some of
them were themselves
00:18:22.28\00:18:25.16
victims and so by
you coming in to shed the
00:18:25.19\00:18:29.57
light on their
situation, you are making them
00:18:29.60\00:18:32.27
uncomfortable. So
they don't want any light
00:18:32.30\00:18:35.80
to shine on their
situation, and they don't
00:18:36.56\00:18:39.39
even know that they
need light to shine,
00:18:39.42\00:18:42.05
so that they can get
help. And they become
00:18:42.08\00:18:45.12
not just
gatekeepers. I see them now as
00:18:45.15\00:18:49.19
keepers of the
gate, preventing you from
00:18:49.22\00:18:53.34
getting to other
women who need to know.
00:18:53.37\00:18:55.57
Really? And that
is frightening to me.
00:18:55.60\00:18:57.84
In our churches I've
had women in leadership
00:18:58.46\00:19:00.78
to tell me we are
not ready to discuss
00:19:00.81\00:19:03.97
this topic yet. No, Dr. Rose.
00:19:04.00\00:19:08.27
I am very serious.
Now you know my level
00:19:08.92\00:19:12.22
of intolerance
because if someone doesn't
00:19:12.25\00:19:15.60
start discussing it now,
when are we going to start.
00:19:15.63\00:19:19.85
And people are dying.
00:19:20.41\00:19:21.44
If not us where,
who is going to do it.
00:19:21.47\00:19:24.08
And people are dying by the day.
00:19:24.11\00:19:25.41
And you see, we seem
to be the type of people
00:19:26.24\00:19:28.63
when one person
die everyday it's not a
00:19:28.66\00:19:32.43
big deal, but when three
thousand die in one place,
00:19:32.46\00:19:37.03
it's a big deal.
For me a life is a life.
00:19:37.06\00:19:39.58
Okay, we are
talking about those,
00:19:41.17\00:19:42.56
what about those
victims that you quoted
00:19:42.59\00:19:45.68
"Not so apparent cry for help. "
00:19:46.14\00:19:48.84
What are these not
so apparent cries that
00:19:49.54\00:19:51.97
the victims that
want help are making?
00:19:52.17\00:19:53.94
One you know, and I
hate to admit this but
00:19:54.46\00:19:58.30
once a young
woman came up to me when
00:19:59.26\00:20:01.54
I was at a shelter
and she volunteered
00:20:01.57\00:20:05.23
at the shelter, and
what I found is that many
00:20:05.26\00:20:08.97
people who have
unresolved issues
00:20:09.00\00:20:11.94
usually are the first
ones who want to reach
00:20:12.80\00:20:16.70
out to help
others. This is good,
00:20:16.73\00:20:18.87
and it's not so good
because when you take
00:20:18.90\00:20:21.04
somebody to a
point where you have not
00:20:21.07\00:20:23.54
gone beyond. You
could be causing more
00:20:23.57\00:20:26.49
harm than good
for that individual.
00:20:26.52\00:20:28.34
Because you
bring them to a pause?
00:20:28.37\00:20:29.58
Right, right, and you
can't take beyond that.
00:20:29.61\00:20:32.67
But this young
woman came to me one day,
00:20:32.70\00:20:35.02
and she said you know, I don't,
00:20:35.05\00:20:38.58
in case she wanted to volunteer,
00:20:38.61\00:20:40.35
and I was going
through some procedures
00:20:40.38\00:20:42.99
to change
something in the organization
00:20:43.02\00:20:44.82
which required
them to do something
00:20:44.85\00:20:47.90
differently. And it's
a couple of years after
00:20:47.93\00:20:51.02
she was saying I
think you miss seeing that
00:20:51.05\00:20:55.77
I was also a
victim, and I really,
00:20:55.80\00:20:59.72
I was floored because
I thought that I should
00:21:00.14\00:21:05.41
be able to see, but
it's not as clear but
00:21:05.44\00:21:09.53
you know what we
don't know enough
00:21:09.56\00:21:11.98
because we really
have not gotten to the
00:21:12.64\00:21:16.11
point to know
our membership well.
00:21:16.14\00:21:18.47
When you know people,
you will hear more stories.
00:21:20.57\00:21:24.19
When they're in
trouble, they are more inclined
00:21:24.91\00:21:27.46
to listen to you when
you give advice, but often
00:21:27.49\00:21:31.78
times we don't know
people, and so you can't
00:21:31.81\00:21:35.14
tell when they
are different one day
00:21:35.17\00:21:36.96
from the next
because we really dress nice
00:21:36.99\00:21:39.64
coming to church,
and it's hard to see.
00:21:39.67\00:21:43.53
You know what, what are
the real faces of a victim?
00:21:43.90\00:21:48.61
Or is it the
rich, is it the poor,
00:21:48.64\00:21:50.28
is it the homeless, who?
00:21:50.31\00:21:51.66
I call domestic
violence and everyone
00:21:52.14\00:21:54.73
who works with the issue knows.
00:21:54.76\00:21:56.81
I call it the equal
opportunity epidemic
00:21:56.84\00:22:00.82
because it doesn't
matter if you're rich or poor,
00:22:00.85\00:22:04.48
whether you are black or white.
00:22:04.51\00:22:06.93
Age is not a factor
because what we haven't
00:22:09.08\00:22:13.10
and we don't have
time to even talk about
00:22:13.13\00:22:15.07
it's the
emerging issue with teens.
00:22:15.56\00:22:19.03
Really. You know
teen dating violence.
00:22:19.43\00:22:21.80
When I was in elementary school,
00:22:21.83\00:22:23.81
I was there to study.
Now we have elementary
00:22:23.84\00:22:26.71
age kids who their
parents are taking out
00:22:26.74\00:22:29.19
restraining orders
on their boyfriends.
00:22:29.22\00:22:32.94
Dr. Rose no, you are kidding.
00:22:32.97\00:22:34.87
Listen, this is a
very serious matter.
00:22:34.90\00:22:37.55
You are an eleven year
old, thirteen year old,
00:22:38.33\00:22:41.03
I mean you are in
intimate relationship.
00:22:41.06\00:22:43.60
We have serious
problems within our families.
00:22:43.63\00:22:47.47
And to me the church
is a great place, where
00:22:48.00\00:22:52.49
you have a captured
audience to deal with
00:22:52.52\00:22:56.13
family challenges,
and we need to get busy.
00:22:56.16\00:23:00.54
We need to get
busy about doing that.
00:23:01.68\00:23:03.78
You think about some
people that really can
00:23:04.59\00:23:07.25
identify with
domestic violence, and I mean
00:23:07.28\00:23:09.76
I can, I don't tell
this often but I was in a
00:23:09.79\00:23:12.38
relationship, and
you know the gentlemen
00:23:12.41\00:23:14.26
dragged me by my
ankles from the couch,
00:23:14.29\00:23:16.40
and dragged me off
of the couch to the door
00:23:16.43\00:23:18.65
and pushed me out of
the door, and I am in
00:23:18.68\00:23:20.17
my gown, and he threw my purse
00:23:20.20\00:23:24.20
out was, like leave,
have my little puppy,
00:23:24.23\00:23:26.62
put my puppy in the
hall, so me and my puppy
00:23:26.65\00:23:28.75
and my purse jumped
in my car and I left
00:23:28.78\00:23:32.28
and didn't see the guy
or call him or didn't have
00:23:32.31\00:23:34.91
contact with him for
a year from that moment.
00:23:34.94\00:23:37.52
But it's not as easy
for other people but those
00:23:37.88\00:23:40.95
who that don't
understand say well
00:23:40.98\00:23:42.41
why are you
staying in, why don't you
00:23:42.63\00:23:44.22
just leave? What
do you tell that?
00:23:44.25\00:23:45.81
I call that the
million dollar question
00:23:46.40\00:23:48.64
because I look
back on myself now,
00:23:48.67\00:23:50.70
I used to see women
being battered in our
00:23:51.24\00:23:54.94
community before I, you
know got to knowing this.
00:23:54.97\00:23:57.27
And I used to say
to myself why are those
00:23:57.30\00:23:59.76
beautiful women
sitting back and being battered
00:23:59.79\00:24:03.37
by these ugly men. I
said you know they don't
00:24:03.40\00:24:06.25
even have a justification
for being battered,
00:24:06.28\00:24:08.84
until I come to find out
now that there are so many
00:24:09.22\00:24:13.48
factors that really
impact people for staying
00:24:13.51\00:24:17.04
in this
relationship. Over time a victim
00:24:17.07\00:24:20.48
learns helplessness.
So not only are you now
00:24:21.43\00:24:24.80
unable to help
yourself, those who have
00:24:24.83\00:24:27.43
children have become so
emotionally unavailable,
00:24:27.46\00:24:32.40
they can't even
keep their children safe.
00:24:32.43\00:24:35.02
So, in households that
also have domestic violence,
00:24:35.45\00:24:39.44
chances are you
may find child abuse
00:24:39.75\00:24:43.36
and neglect issues
in those household.
00:24:43.39\00:24:45.85
And so you are
looking why can't the woman
00:24:45.88\00:24:48.07
help or the victim. So
that's one of the things.
00:24:48.10\00:24:50.65
So learn helplessness.
They learned helplessness.
00:24:50.68\00:24:52.65
The isolation issue
that you brought up earlier,
00:24:53.24\00:24:56.44
I have seen in our shelters
women who from one state
00:24:57.22\00:25:01.03
miles away in another
state and you are wondering
00:25:01.58\00:25:05.46
how did they get
there. There is some reason
00:25:05.49\00:25:09.72
why this
perpetrator is having to move,
00:25:09.75\00:25:13.02
a job, a new job and
may be not even working
00:25:13.05\00:25:16.42
you know so he takes
you from those people
00:25:17.08\00:25:19.45
who would be
your support network
00:25:19.88\00:25:21.89
and you're in a place
now where you know no one.
00:25:22.88\00:25:25.47
So you are trapped,
you feel trapped. Okay.
00:25:26.26\00:25:28.83
Economics is
another one. When you are in
00:25:29.19\00:25:32.44
a situation that you
have no employ-ability
00:25:32.47\00:25:36.06
skills and this
happens sometimes with women
00:25:36.09\00:25:39.78
who do not work
outside the home,
00:25:39.81\00:25:42.16
and they have had
kids, their kids are grown
00:25:42.19\00:25:44.61
and gone. Now they
wake up, and it's them alone
00:25:44.64\00:25:48.19
with their spouses,
and they can't figure out
00:25:48.22\00:25:51.75
what do I do next.
They have not learned
00:25:51.78\00:25:54.40
any skills, and so
they're struck because
00:25:54.43\00:25:57.36
this is a person
who provided for them
00:25:57.39\00:25:59.21
all the time, and
those are just few of those
00:25:59.24\00:26:01.58
that thinks that
it's hard for them.
00:26:01.61\00:26:05.05
Are there anymore that standout?
00:26:05.08\00:26:06.05
You know one, the ones
that really seemed to me
00:26:06.08\00:26:10.60
as the compelling one,
is the helpless behavior.
00:26:10.63\00:26:14.21
When they think
they can't do anything
00:26:14.94\00:26:16.97
to help themselves.
Because they have been so.
00:26:17.00\00:26:18.47
They have been
battered and broken.
00:26:18.50\00:26:20.34
Your soul is
battered, your body is broken,
00:26:20.37\00:26:23.00
trust is violated, all of that.
00:26:23.57\00:26:25.82
Okay, what about the
person that says okay
00:26:25.85\00:26:28.79
you know what this
is it. I die, I die,
00:26:28.82\00:26:31.59
I am leaving because
you are going to kill me
00:26:31.62\00:26:33.70
if I don't. What
would you tell them, how?
00:26:33.73\00:26:36.14
What we have seen
is that usually there
00:26:36.54\00:26:39.87
seems to be a built
in thing that they know
00:26:39.90\00:26:42.98
that they may die as
you say, and the statistics
00:26:43.01\00:26:45.64
show that 75% of
the time those people
00:26:45.67\00:26:49.24
who leave are at
higher risk of being killed
00:26:49.27\00:26:52.07
than those who stay
because they usually are
00:26:52.10\00:26:54.37
coming back and
forth up to nine times.
00:26:54.40\00:26:56.68
How do they leave?
00:26:56.71\00:26:57.68
So, they actually
must have a safety plan.
00:26:57.69\00:27:01.74
Okay. And you
looking on who want to help
00:27:01.77\00:27:04.40
must know that they
need to plan ahead of time,
00:27:04.43\00:27:08.37
some things that
they need to put away.
00:27:08.40\00:27:10.39
Real quick, what are they?
00:27:10.78\00:27:11.98
Can you them run them down?
00:27:12.02\00:27:13.15
Okay. Collect all
the papers you know that
00:27:13.19\00:27:15.14
are important if
you have children,
00:27:15.17\00:27:17.00
birth records,
health records all of that.
00:27:17.03\00:27:19.66
Collect papers.
Clothing, something to put on.
00:27:19.69\00:27:22.62
Have a suitcase somewhere else
00:27:22.65\00:27:24.05
ahead of time. Somewhere else
00:27:24.09\00:27:25.42
and not the
family of the batterer.
00:27:25.46\00:27:26.88
Okay, anything
else. I am rushing we got
00:27:26.91\00:27:29.09
twenty seven
seconds. You know, and really
00:27:29.12\00:27:31.04
we just need to know
that is unacceptable,
00:27:31.51\00:27:34.15
and leave. Don't stay.
00:27:34.59\00:27:36.20
Domestic violence, setting
the abuse record straight.
00:27:38.94\00:27:41.95
We ran out of
time. God bless you.
00:27:41.98\00:27:44.37
Please if you are a
victim of domestic violence,
00:27:44.74\00:27:47.72
please get help.
Don't deal with it alone.
00:27:47.75\00:27:50.35
You have your family here okay
00:27:50.73\00:27:52.24
and until next
time God bless you.
00:27:52.27\00:27:54.05