Hi. Thank you for
joining us on Issues and Answers
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I'm Melissa Summers.
Now grab a pen and paper
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because if you have
issues God has the answers and
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we're working through
the issues and answers with a
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committee of Christian
counselors and they are very
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inspiring. So feel
free to e- mail me at
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melissa.summers@3abn.org
Today's issue we are
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discussing is the
realities of divorce.
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Our guest is Nancy Van
Pelt. She is a best-selling
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author who has
written 28 books on family
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relationships which have
been translated into about
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30 languages. She is
a certified family life
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educator and has conducted
1000s of seminars around
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the world. Nancy that is
a mouthful. Girl, you have
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been busy. I have been busy.
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We'll jump right into
it. Divorce, what now?
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A lot of hurt, a lot of
tears, a lot of regrets.
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It is not a fun or an
easy thing to go through
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and yet it is a reality
even in the Christian community
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today. In fact, sometimes
I think Satan works harder
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on Christians because
every time there is a marriage
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breakdown he, in some
small way, is winning and feels
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that he has one up on
Christ. Now that is sad. Now I
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recognize that there are
some marriages that cannot
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be salvaged but I
think we need to spend more
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time educating people toward
happy marriages than we need
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to spend time on divorce.
But divorce is very much a
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reality in today's world.
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Okay, now the big question.
How do you deal with this
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reality? You now, I can
definitely go with my personal
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experience. I mean it
hasn't gone to divorce yet, but
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I mean it's emotionally
severing. It's worse than
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death. Actually there is a
lady from, oh what country,
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she came during what we
call a general conference
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somewhere in the
Philippines somewhere in the
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Philippines and we
cried and cried together
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because she was alone
had lost her husband to
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death and I, of course,
had lost my husband when he
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asked for a divorce and
she was sympathizing with me
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and consoling me. It is true
that it is worse than death.
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Yes. You see in death
we remember the person in a
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positive manner but in
divorce we remember all of
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the unpleasant, all of
the hurtful things and so we
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have these two different
perspectives. Now it takes
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about the same amount
of time to recoup whether
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it's death or divorce,
but divorce is so much more
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unpleasant because of
the painful memories that one
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remembers. You see when
we fall in love we have been
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selected by somebody
out of all the people in the
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world we are the
chosen one and what happens to
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our self-esteem, our
emotions and our self esteem
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soar, we are walking on
top of the world, we have
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made it. But to the same
degree when divorce happens
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we have now been
deselected. Somebody is
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casting us aside and to
the same degree our self
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esteem now
suffers. Okay, now let's run
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through the gamut of
emotions that one can
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expect. Because you
know, Nancy, I was totally
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clueless to what I would
feel and even now honestly
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a lot of times I can't
identify... Like Sunday
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I was just crying and
crying and I couldn't stop and
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I was like, Lord, I
was feeling better, what is
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going one with me.
Why can't I stop crying?
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That's because we
move through stages of
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acceptance and it would be
nice if we could start here
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and could move onward
and upward straight into full
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recovery, but that
isn't the way it works at all.
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The initial stage is
denial, I simply cannot accept
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what is happening,
this can't be happening, it
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isn't true. What are
some signs of denial?
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Now again I'm using
myself as an example because
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I don't mind, but I
said okay, yes he's asked for
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a divorce and I'm facing
it so I didn't see myself
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in denial, but any time
someone says you're single
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or you're by yourself I
would get this disappointment,
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this anger, all these
emotions. It's like, I'm
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not single. And to
a degree you are not
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because the divorce
process is not complete.
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You are yet in limbo and
that is one of the tragedies
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of all this. You do not
know yet who you really are
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because it has not
gone to completion.
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You still are a
married woman yet you have no
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partner to share that
with and so you are in
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transition yet. But one
of these symptoms or signs
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of denial is to say
no this isn't happening.
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Another is to say he
will come back I know if I
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just change, if I just
do this, if I just do that
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he will come back and
there is not an acceptance
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of the fact that the
partner is gone and may
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not come back. Now
there is always a chance for
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reconciliation and
for this reason I always
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admonish people not
to move too rapidly.
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Do not head immediately
for the divorce court.
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Allow God to work in
your lives. This is a time
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when people need to
really do some soul searching
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and the wise person
will. I am not blaming you or
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anybody for the divorce,
but it is a good time to
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look at your life, to
look at your character, to
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look deep inside of
yourself. This is the time to
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get some counseling and
take a deep look inside.
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Is there anything in my
life that has contributed
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to the breakdown
of this relationship?
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Sometimes the person
will find that they are not
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at fault at all. Other
times people will find,
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ah ha, I see because
I have this character
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flaw or this personality
defect, yes I am at fault.
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So the wise person
will take a deeper look at
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themselves. Okay So
from denial what else?
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The next stage is total
feeling of worthlessness.
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Now when we talk
about total feeling of
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worthlessness this is
a self-esteem issue and
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and it has to do with
this feeling of being cast
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aside and not knowing
who you are anymore because
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you were a married
person now you're not.
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I'm thinking of a very
good friend of mine who
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was married to a
physician and he cast her aside
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and asked for a divorce
to marry her best friend.
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You see, if you are a
physician's wife you are
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losing a lifestyle. Up
until now you have been
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Mrs. doctor so and
so. All of this was being
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case aside so she
is losing a lifestyle.
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She had never known
anything else but that.
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So who is she. She had
to find out who she was.
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The feelings of bitterness
and anger that can come
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through this
process are tremendous.
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In this particular
case, not only did he cast her
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aside but he wanted
their three children and a
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doctor is in a good
position, shall we say,
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to purchase his children,
to buy the children away
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and so the first one
he said your mother can't
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afford to buy you
that ATV you want but I
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can get you this big
bike, you know, whatever
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and so... He's
buying the loyalty
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and affection of the child.
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Yes. The second one he
said you know I can buy
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you that Porsche you
want. I'll let you take
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it to the... You know.
So pretty soon not only had
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she lost her husband
and a lifestyle, but she had
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lost all three children.
The hurt inside of her was
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so tremendous that one
night in the middle of the
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night she felt she
couldn't handle it anymore and
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she ran outside in
her night clothes almost
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totally unaware of
what she was doing, threw
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herself on the grass
and said Lord you must take
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this from me right now.
I can't handle it anymore.
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And she said it was
gone just like that.
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You know what Nancy,
let's elaborate on that because
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a lot of times we hear
people talk about on all
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of these shows and so
forth about divorce and dealing.
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That is so true
because there have been several
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times here at 3ABN you
know just dealing with the
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emotions of the
potential of a divorce and
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separation from my
husband I said Lord I can't do
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anything else. I'm emotionally
stripped, I'm broken.
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help me, crying out, pleading
out and do you know in fact
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that particular day, it
was a Sunday the Lord sent
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our pastor, Pastor
John Lomacang and his wife
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Angie. They did not
know anything of where I was
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and my destitute
emotions but they came with this
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big pot and Angie
was just so bubbly. She's
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like hey girl with
that you know island accent
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and the Lord sent them
to me and they comforted
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me and they talked with
me. But I was at that point
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at my lowest ebb that I
was literally on the floor
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in my apartment pleading
to the Lord and he answered.
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So please elaborate that
the Lord will heal and He
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will be there. You
know, when a person
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is at this emotional
turmoil and emotional turmoil
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is the third stage
that we're talking about
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following the tragedy
of divorce, this is when
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emotions are so out of
control and the feelings
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of anger and so forth
well up and it might be
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at this stage that the
person really recognizes
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that they need counseling.
But for this reason that
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we're talking about
right now this is why Christian
00:11:05.57\00:11:08.49
counseling is
what is really needed.
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You see a worldly
counselor can have all
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the psychology, they
can know all the stages of
00:11:15.49\00:11:19.13
grief and so forth
but they can only lead you
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so far because it is
only through our Lord,
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He's the only one that
can take that load away
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from us. Otherwise the
counselor can only lead
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you so far but He's
the one that can clear it
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from our heart and our
minds. Not that it will
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ever be forgotten. The
scars will always be there
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but He's the one that
can do the healing in our
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lives. Does it always
happen like this, like
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my friend? No. Sometimes
it's a gradual process.
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But He's the one that
can do the final healing
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in all of this. As
a Christian counselor
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you have someone coming
to you like your friend.
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What is some of the
advice that has been most
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profound, most
helpful as a counselor for
00:12:09.03\00:12:11.85
someone that maybe
in their Christian walk
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they're not where
they want to hear pray to
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God and he'll answer it.
00:12:17.56\00:12:18.53
Right. One of the
things that I frequently have
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people do with all
their hurts and resentments,
00:12:22.56\00:12:25.93
all their anger is
start keeping a diary, start
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writing it out. There
is something extremely
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therapeutic by keeping
a journal or a day-to-day
00:12:32.88\00:12:36.89
diary. Then they have
to bring it to me and read
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it to me. Now when
there seems to be an
00:12:40.93\00:12:43.41
accumulation of
these hurts and they do not
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seem to be able to get
over the hump to be able
00:12:46.47\00:12:50.33
to allow them to
release it to the Lord, it just
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seems to continue to
build up. What I have
00:12:54.24\00:12:57.33
them do is continue to
write out all their hurt,
00:12:57.36\00:13:02.10
all the pain, all the
anger identify and write out
00:13:02.14\00:13:06.95
every lousy, rotten,
mean horrible thing that man
00:13:06.99\00:13:11.14
every did to you,
every way he ever hurt you.
00:13:11.17\00:13:15.25
Some women say I go out
and buy a brand new note
00:13:15.28\00:13:18.92
book and I'll fill it
all pages and they bring
00:13:18.96\00:13:22.56
it back to me and
they triumphantly lay it in
00:13:22.60\00:13:26.04
front of me. They've
taken the time and now
00:13:26.08\00:13:29.45
they want to read it to
me and I say, No. Now we're
00:13:29.49\00:13:33.51
going to take this
note book and burn it.
00:13:33.54\00:13:36.91
Because going back
over it is rehashing it.
00:13:36.94\00:13:39.68
Yes rehashing it
and whenever... This is
00:13:39.71\00:13:42.38
actually sort of a
fearful thing to do because
00:13:42.41\00:13:45.15
whenever we write
things down, what it does is
00:13:45.19\00:13:48.55
reinforce it in our
brains and I do not want this
00:13:48.59\00:13:52.34
negative reinforced in
their brain, but what it
00:13:52.37\00:13:56.37
does is a final release
and then as they watch it
00:13:56.41\00:14:00.61
go up in flames, as they
see it turn to ashes, they
00:14:00.64\00:14:04.29
recognize that this is
a final release and they
00:14:04.32\00:14:07.53
can release it to the
Lord. And they are now clean
00:14:07.57\00:14:10.78
and an empty vessel for
the Lord to begin to fill
00:14:10.82\00:14:14.00
up as they let
all of the anger go.
00:14:14.03\00:14:16.56
And you have actually
witnessed this working?
00:14:16.60\00:14:19.29
Yes, I have actually
witnessed this working
00:14:19.33\00:14:22.23
in a woman who was so
angry with her husband
00:14:22.26\00:14:26.53
she said I want to kill
him. I asked him, I said
00:14:26.57\00:14:29.98
do you believe that
she would do this. He said,
00:14:30.02\00:14:33.22
I would never turn my
back on her. She was so
00:14:33.26\00:14:37.59
angry. I actually saw
this happen in her life.
00:14:37.63\00:14:41.45
What else? We write the
journal, we let it go up
00:14:41.48\00:14:45.26
in flames. There
is a certain type of
00:14:45.30\00:14:49.18
counseling that I
would like to recommend to
00:14:49.21\00:14:52.50
people and it's
called cognitive behavioral
00:14:52.54\00:14:55.76
therapy. There are counselors
and there are counselors.
00:14:55.79\00:14:59.23
First of all, it needs
to be a Christian counselor.
00:14:59.27\00:15:02.88
I believe that the
Christian aspect of this is so
00:15:02.91\00:15:06.41
important. Not just
going to any, shall we say,
00:15:06.45\00:15:09.88
county mental health clinic.
They, again, may have certain
00:15:09.91\00:15:14.32
skills but they can
only take you so far, but
00:15:14.35\00:15:18.48
there is a certain type
of therapy now that they are
00:15:18.52\00:15:22.14
finding has better
results in many different areas
00:15:22.17\00:15:24.46
of life than any other
type of counseling and it's
00:15:24.50\00:15:28.43
getting a lot of media
attention and it's getting
00:15:28.47\00:15:32.38
a lot of studies done on
it. It's called cognitive
00:15:32.42\00:15:36.30
behavioral
therapy or CBT for short.
00:15:36.33\00:15:40.25
Now what is that?
Okay, cognitive simply means
00:15:40.28\00:15:42.94
our thoughts, how we are
thinking this moment on any
00:15:42.98\00:15:47.04
given subject. But the truth
of the matter is our feelings
00:15:47.08\00:15:51.65
follow our thoughts. Our
feelings follow the bent of
00:15:51.68\00:15:54.87
will so if we can
set our will in the right
00:15:54.90\00:16:00.97
direction our feelings
and our thoughts will follow.
00:16:01.65\00:16:04.40
They are just now
coming out with this?
00:16:04.44\00:16:07.16
It's been around
just a few years.
00:16:07.19\00:16:09.58
I say that because biblically
that's the whole Christian
00:16:09.62\00:16:14.03
stance. The flesh surrenders
to the will. You don't
00:16:14.07\00:16:17.50
give in to the flesh,
you give in to the will and
00:16:17.53\00:16:21.70
it starts in the mind.
That's right. So people
00:16:21.74\00:16:25.84
that are suffering from
the after effects of divorce
00:16:25.87\00:16:27.98
are thinking very, very
negatively about themselves,
00:16:28.02\00:16:32.82
about life. Much of
their anger is turned toward
00:16:32.86\00:16:37.75
themselves, much of
their anger may be turned
00:16:37.78\00:16:40.04
toward God. They don't
even recognize that they
00:16:40.07\00:16:43.39
are angry toward God,
but if we can change their
00:16:43.42\00:16:46.80
thinking, we can
change the direction of their
00:16:46.83\00:16:50.73
lives. So for this
reason I really recommend this
00:16:50.76\00:16:54.87
CBT that is making a
big impact and changing the
00:16:54.90\00:16:58.97
direction of people's lives.
00:16:59.00\00:17:00.38
You know this is just
amazing because you know
00:17:00.41\00:17:03.99
just in reading the
Bible studying the Bible and
00:17:04.03\00:17:07.20
there's a book by
Ellen G. White called Mind,
00:17:07.24\00:17:10.34
Character and Personality,
and it explains that your
00:17:10.38\00:17:14.22
thoughts become your
actions, your actions
00:17:14.26\00:17:16.68
become your habits,
your habits become your
00:17:16.71\00:17:19.06
character, who you are,
so if you're thinking angry
00:17:19.10\00:17:23.12
and resentful,
that's who you become, angry
00:17:23.15\00:17:26.15
and resentful. And
scripture says, As a
00:17:26.18\00:17:29.10
man thinketh so is
he. So if you are thinking
00:17:29.14\00:17:32.33
all of these negative
thoughts whether they are
00:17:32.36\00:17:35.06
about somebody else
or whether they're about
00:17:35.09\00:17:37.71
yourself you are not in
a positive direction where
00:17:37.75\00:17:42.91
you can make any changes
in your own life. You are
00:17:42.94\00:17:45.81
not accepting this new
status in life. For example
00:17:45.84\00:17:49.44
what happens to your
self esteem? You've just been
00:17:49.47\00:17:52.79
cast aside, somebody
has just asked you for a
00:17:52.82\00:17:55.60
divorce, you begin to think
he doesn't want my anymore,
00:17:55.64\00:17:59.88
I'm nothing, I'm worthless,
I'm never going to get
00:17:59.91\00:18:02.69
married again, nobody
is ever going to want me.
00:18:02.73\00:18:06.78
This is all negative
thought and in my book
00:18:06.82\00:18:10.42
Smart Love I take
some studies that have been
00:18:10.45\00:18:13.53
done on women who
think this way and women who
00:18:13.57\00:18:16.87
changed their way of
thinking and tracked that
00:18:16.90\00:18:18.53
and say that one group
is going to end up married
00:18:18.57\00:18:22.19
and say the other
group is not going to end up
00:18:22.22\00:18:26.72
married simply because
of their thinking patterns.
00:18:26.76\00:18:29.83
That's true because I
had a lot of friends who have
00:18:29.86\00:18:32.59
said, Oh I'll never find
the right man, I'll never
00:18:32.62\00:18:35.35
get married, dah, dah,
dah. I never thought that.
00:18:35.39\00:18:39.40
I knew I was outgoing.
I just never thought that.
00:18:39.43\00:18:41.92
You know I said know
the Lord had someone for me.
00:18:41.95\00:18:45.30
So this is what
you're telling people is like
00:18:45.34\00:18:48.62
when you're going through
divorce the realities are
00:18:48.66\00:18:51.68
it is a divorce so to
move forward. What are some
00:18:51.71\00:18:54.96
signs to show me that I
am on the road to healing?
00:18:54.99\00:18:57.54
I mean I was crying
Sunday and I thought I was
00:18:57.57\00:19:00.08
healing, I was feeling better.
00:19:00.11\00:19:01.50
What I want you to know
is that that is perfectly
00:19:01.53\00:19:05.12
normal. But I don't like it.
00:19:05.16\00:19:07.66
We don't like it, but
it is a sign that you are
00:19:07.70\00:19:10.98
probably making progress.
Because from time to time
00:19:11.02\00:19:14.27
you're going to need
to release these pent up
00:19:14.30\00:19:18.12
emotions. But we never
just move straight upward.
00:19:18.15\00:19:21.93
It's two steps
forward, one step back.
00:19:21.97\00:19:24.31
But the adjustment phase
comes next where you will
00:19:24.35\00:19:29.45
start feeling better
for a period of time. Every
00:19:29.49\00:19:33.62
moment of the day is
no longer going to be
00:19:33.65\00:19:37.39
occupied just thinking
about the tragedy in your
00:19:37.43\00:19:40.82
life. So you can cope
for longer periods of time
00:19:40.85\00:19:44.54
and you will find these
intense periods of grief
00:19:44.57\00:19:48.23
affecting you less and less.
00:19:48.26\00:19:49.96
That's remarkable
because it amazes me that it's
00:19:50.00\00:19:54.90
this consistent you know
straight across the board
00:19:54.94\00:19:59.09
with people. But we're
clueless. I'm telling you
00:19:59.12\00:20:02.45
it's like what is
wrong with me. I was feeling
00:20:02.49\00:20:05.79
fine. Why am I
crying? Why can't I stop?
00:20:05.82\00:20:08.03
Or I had a dream last
week that my husband and I
00:20:08.07\00:20:10.57
were at a store. He
was getting gas and I was
00:20:10.61\00:20:13.42
piddling around in
the store and he left me.
00:20:13.46\00:20:16.20
It was a bad part of
town. I tried calling him and
00:20:16.24\00:20:19.50
the cell phone was
off and I kept saying
00:20:19.54\00:20:21.62
you abandoned me,
you abandoned me, you
00:20:21.66\00:20:23.67
abandoned me. So I'm up
at 3 o'clock at the side
00:20:23.70\00:20:26.56
of my bed praying and crying.
00:20:26.60\00:20:27.90
Now another thing
that people do during this
00:20:27.93\00:20:32.24
intense phase of
grief is they tell the story
00:20:32.27\00:20:35.80
over and over and over
and over and over again
00:20:35.84\00:20:39.56
to all their friends.
You relive the whole thing.
00:20:39.59\00:20:43.25
This also is therapeutic.
Now the thing is you need
00:20:43.28\00:20:46.90
enough friends
because you can actually drive
00:20:46.94\00:20:49.34
you friends away.
Girl I got 3ABN the whole
00:20:49.38\00:20:52.12
world knows.
But you know it's an
00:20:52.15\00:20:55.91
intense period where you
just talk about it and talk
00:20:55.95\00:20:58.95
about it. You have
this need to relive it.
00:20:58.99\00:21:02.19
But this again is part
of getting it out, getting
00:21:02.22\00:21:06.22
rid of it, dealing
with the reality. You're no
00:21:06.26\00:21:10.19
longer in denial. The
true effects are there in front
00:21:10.22\00:21:14.55
of you. So you are
getting ready to let go and
00:21:14.58\00:21:19.02
letting go is the final stage.
00:21:19.05\00:21:21.25
Wow. Letting go. Let
me back up for a second to
00:21:21.28\00:21:25.26
the adjustment stage.
Now if someone was taking
00:21:25.29\00:21:28.32
notes how would we
chronologically break down
00:21:28.36\00:21:31.66
the adjustment stage?
It's stage three, It's
00:21:31.70\00:21:35.31
stage three with
letting go being the final and
00:21:35.34\00:21:40.07
as you finally let go
your self-esteem has now been
00:21:40.10\00:21:44.79
reestablished. You've
taken the time, you've
00:21:44.82\00:21:47.71
done the counseling, you've
taken the time to reassess
00:21:47.75\00:21:50.53
who you are, you have
accepted yourself now as
00:21:50.56\00:21:54.28
a single person. So
the role of a counselor
00:21:54.32\00:21:57.88
is the same role as a
friend or your friends.
00:21:57.92\00:22:01.42
Okay because I have a
dear friend, Darlene Hall, who
00:22:01.45\00:22:05.28
called me almost every
single day for five months.
00:22:05.32\00:22:09.63
I mean we would pray
and we would fast together.
00:22:09.66\00:22:14.18
I'm like Lord, I
really see and understand the
00:22:14.21\00:22:18.70
mending. So for our
viewers who are dealing
00:22:18.73\00:22:23.22
with divorce this is
just so powerful for them.
00:22:23.25\00:22:26.98
So when we talk about
how long, I know we can't...
00:22:27.02\00:22:31.77
A minimum of two
years. Two years! A minimum of
00:22:31.80\00:22:36.49
two years and it is not
unusual for people to go
00:22:36.52\00:22:41.71
four or even longer in
this time frame, but it is
00:22:41.75\00:22:46.22
next to impossible to
deal with everything that needs
00:22:46.26\00:22:49.97
to be dealt with in
the aftermath of divorce in
00:22:50.01\00:22:53.64
less than two years.
Now let me just mention one
00:22:53.68\00:22:57.05
other aspect. Can you
begin to see all of these
00:22:57.08\00:22:59.85
phases that we've
just talked about and how
00:22:59.88\00:23:02.57
dangerous it would be to
start another relationship
00:23:02.61\00:23:07.14
when you have not finished
grieving the loss of the
00:23:07.17\00:23:11.66
last relationship?
Oh Nancy, we're going to
00:23:11.70\00:23:14.95
have to have another
show. We're going to have to
00:23:14.98\00:23:17.12
deal with that. We can't
just brush over that one.
00:23:17.15\00:23:19.25
Okay, so you will
come for another show?
00:23:19.29\00:23:22.00
I would be happy.
Well let me ask you about
00:23:22.04\00:23:26.02
this one. Two to four
years and is that because
00:23:26.06\00:23:29.43
there are still emotions
that we're not identifying
00:23:29.46\00:23:32.80
with that we haven't
experienced? Why so long?
00:23:32.84\00:23:35.85
It just takes that
long when you've been a
00:23:35.88\00:23:38.83
married person. Of
course, the longer you've been
00:23:38.86\00:23:40.85
married the longer
the grieving time may be.
00:23:40.88\00:23:44.22
Now what happens is men
particularly try to brush
00:23:44.25\00:23:47.79
over this grieving
time. In our society, men have
00:23:47.82\00:23:51.21
not been trained nor
have they been encouraged to
00:23:51.24\00:23:54.70
deal openly with their
emotions. So frequently
00:23:54.74\00:23:57.90
they will try to shut
the door on their emotions
00:23:57.94\00:24:01.50
and go immediately into
a new relationship. They
00:24:01.54\00:24:05.23
shut the door rather than
dealing with the emotions.
00:24:05.27\00:24:08.69
Now some women feel
real lucky to get a man who's
00:24:08.73\00:24:13.13
just six months single out
of a death or a divorce but
00:24:13.17\00:24:16.87
what she has to do then
is nurse this man through
00:24:16.90\00:24:20.52
the grieving process. He
too has to go through the
00:24:20.56\00:24:23.84
grieving process. He
doesn't recognize it, but
00:24:23.88\00:24:26.83
he is not going to be
a free person. You know
00:24:26.86\00:24:30.15
really as Christians we
should present ourselves
00:24:30.18\00:24:33.98
on the market as
healed individuals rather than
00:24:34.02\00:24:37.95
giving a false impression
that we are all healed
00:24:37.98\00:24:42.06
when we are not. We
want to present ourselves on
00:24:42.10\00:24:46.26
the dating market as a
Christian, free and able
00:24:46.30\00:24:50.70
to love and many people
are not this way and again
00:24:50.74\00:24:54.79
they close the door on
the past because the new
00:24:54.83\00:24:58.81
relationship is so exciting
that they want to forget
00:24:58.85\00:25:03.93
the past. It's much
more fun to build a new
00:25:03.96\00:25:06.41
relationship than it
is to deal with the past.
00:25:06.44\00:25:08.82
So they just go right back
into dating to try to forget
00:25:08.85\00:25:14.39
It's like being
something that's a lie.
00:25:14.43\00:25:15.44
Right. It really is.
So is it typical that men
00:25:15.47\00:25:19.77
have a harder time
identifying with their
00:25:19.80\00:25:23.22
grieving process. Yes.
So they go through grieving
00:25:23.25\00:25:26.71
even if they're the
ones that want the divorce?
00:25:26.74\00:25:29.80
Yes. It doesn't matter
if they have initiated the
00:25:29.84\00:25:32.83
divorce or not, everybody
must go through the grieving
00:25:32.86\00:25:36.24
process. Some will
take it... You know we can't
00:25:36.28\00:25:39.80
predict. Two to four
years is an estimate, but from
00:25:39.83\00:25:43.11
the best grief
counselors out there that is the
00:25:43.15\00:25:46.36
estimate and some will
even go as far as to say
00:25:46.39\00:25:50.98
seven years. But seven
years later if a woman is
00:25:51.01\00:25:54.94
still setting the
table for her husband who has
00:25:54.98\00:25:58.64
passed away and still
talking to him, we are
00:25:58.67\00:26:02.05
talking about a
person who has not completed
00:26:02.08\00:26:05.85
the grieving process
and this happens, too.
00:26:05.88\00:26:09.63
Okay. Another
question for the husband that's
00:26:09.66\00:26:12.69
grieving who doesn't
identify with it because
00:26:12.73\00:26:15.28
maybe it was his
choice. He thought he wanted out
00:26:15.31\00:26:18.79
of it. How can you tell
him that sir you're grieving?
00:26:18.83\00:26:23.23
If a man did come to
me, I would walk him through
00:26:23.26\00:26:27.63
the various stages of
grief so that he could
00:26:27.66\00:26:30.48
identify what stage he
was in. The good thing is that
00:26:30.51\00:26:35.23
many men are becoming
more cognizant today of
00:26:35.27\00:26:39.06
their feelings and their
emotions and more willing
00:26:39.10\00:26:41.55
to seek help
when help is needed.
00:26:41.58\00:26:43.53
So, in other words
identifying with the
00:26:43.56\00:26:45.71
realities of divorce.
Yes. Nancy, look before we go
00:26:45.75\00:26:49.25
any further,
what is your web site?
00:26:49.29\00:26:52.26
My web site is
www.heartnhome.com
00:26:52.30\00:26:55.20
Okay www. heartandhome
h- e-a-r-t and then the
00:26:55.24\00:27:00.31
letter n and the
word home h-o-m-e.
00:27:00.34\00:27:04.28
Okay. Thank you so
much for coming and do you
00:27:04.31\00:27:07.11
promise to come
back? I'd love to.
00:27:07.14\00:27:08.57
We've got to talk
about happiness and divorce.
00:27:08.61\00:27:10.88
All right. After
divorce. After divorce. There is
00:27:10.92\00:27:13.16
life after divorce. Amen.
00:27:13.19\00:27:14.69
Thank you so much
for joining us for this
00:27:14.73\00:27:17.63
edition of Issues and
Answers. And you know what
00:27:17.67\00:27:20.69
whatever issues you
have God has the answers
00:27:20.72\00:27:23.73
and you have us so
make sure you e-mail me at
00:27:23.77\00:27:26.70
melissa.summers@3abn.org
God bless till next time. Bye.
00:27:26.74\00:27:31.53