Hello and welcome to
Health for a Lifetime.
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We're glad that
you have joined us.
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Today we're going to be talking
about stress and relationships.
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Actually, how relationships
relates to lessoning our stress.
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Joining us is Dr. Skip MacCarty.
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I understand that you are a
fellow of the American Academy
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or International Academy.
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American Institute of Stress.
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You've done major
presentations for that
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organization.
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You were the opening speaker
for one of their international
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congresses in the year 2000.
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We're glad that
you are with us today.
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We're going to talk today
about relationships and stress.
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I think one of the ways that
you organize this whole concept
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of stress is by using
what you call a "stress tank,"
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is that right?
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Stress tank model came out
of Australia, but I reconfigured
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it based on my research.
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What you have in
the stress tank is...
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you think of your life as a tank
and you have stressors being
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poured into your life
we're subjected to stressors
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every single day.
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If it get's too much stress or
actually even too little stress
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it leads to what we call
distress or overload which is
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harmful and can lead to
physical harm or illness.
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60-90% of all visits to
physicians are estimated to be
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stress related, etc.
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Fortunately there's a pressure
relief valve on this stress tank
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that can drain our
stress levels to safe levels.
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There's also ways to close
that pressure relief valve.
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But people think they
are helping themselves with
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alcohol, tobacco, etc.
and really it actually closes
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the pressure relief valve.
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It allows long term stress
to build to an unsafe level.
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There's ways we can create
a larger tank size to handle
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any more stress at one time.
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In my 12 hour seminar I actually
unpack that entire model.
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OK, but there are 7 keys in
your seminar that actually help
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with managing stress.
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7 keys to managing
stress, that's correct.
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And one of those
keys, a very important one,
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is neighborly love, it's
developing loyal friendships
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and loving relationships.
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Prayer, relaxation, exercise,
viewpoint, eating healthy, and
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we're going to talk about
neighborly love this time.
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Yes.
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Where would that
be hierarchically
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in your overview of it?
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I've developed a
stress pyramid and the
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stress pyramid shows that
the things at the bottom are the
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least scientifically
established related to stress,
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not that they are unimportant
they are all very important.
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Goes in importance to the top.
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See where loving
relationships is right up there.
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It is right up there next to
the top, loving relationships.
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That's exactly, very,
very important in terms of
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stress resources.
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Let's then focus in on that.
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How important are
loving relationships
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in terms of managing stress?
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Let me tell you what
stress does to relationships
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first of all.
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I can
illustrate that by a story.
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We're all aware that stress
can put strain on relationships.
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Do you remember the
story of Baby Jessica?
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Sure, the little girl
that was locked under ground.
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That's another Jessica.
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This is one that was born in
Iowa to Dan and Cara Schmidt.
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They weren't
married at the time.
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They subsequently got married
but she was an unwed mother
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and two days
after the baby was born,
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a little girl, she
gave her up to adoption.
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Jan and Roberta Debore of
Michigan, got legal custody
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of this little baby.
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When they got legal custody
actually after the legal time
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had passed when Cara Schmidt
could ask for the baby back.
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So then she wanted her back.
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That's right, but that
getting ahead of the story.
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So Jan and Roberta Debore got
the child, got legal custody,
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for the adoptive
parents of this little baby
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Then several weeks later
after the statue of limitations
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ran out when Cara
Schmidt could ask for her back
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she wanted the baby back.
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So that legal process
went all the way up to
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Iowa Supreme Court and I
believe the U.S. Supreme Court.
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As a result of that 2.5 years of
legal battle was taking place,
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as a result the child
went back to Cara Schmidt.
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She subsequently
had married the father.
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Dan and Cara Schmidt got her
back with a tremendous blow to
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Jan and Roberta Debore that had
raised that child for 2.5 years.
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A new law was written in
several states relative to that.
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They gave longer periods of time
for a mother to make a decision,
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birth parents to make a decision
to get their child back.
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But what many people
don't recognize is the subset,
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sequel to that story.
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I've got the newspaper article
here that tells about after
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17 years of marriage
Jan and Roberta Debore
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who lost this child
in that custody battle,
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after 2.5 years of raising
her, they filed for a divorce.
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What they said in their special
release, "The strain of their
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protracted custody battle
with Jessica's birth parents,
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Dan and Cara Schmidt, of Iowa,
was more than their marriage
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could withstand. "
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Not only that, this article
points out that during that
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same week, Dan and Cara Schmidt,
filed for a divorce, saying the
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same thing the strain
of the custody battle.
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This is the birth parents
that filed for a divorce.
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Now we've known for some
time that a family that looses
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a little child in death has
all kind of stress and usually
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the relationship breaks up it
is much more prone to break up,
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to not make it,
because of that stress.
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Stress puts tremendous
pressure on relationships.
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When there's high
stress in my life,
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it puts pressure on my family if
I don't learn how to handle it.
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Stress management is so
important, so vitally important.
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In the context of relationships.
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There's some research
done by a professor at UCLA.
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He is actually the dean of
the School of Public Health
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at UCLA, Lester Breslow.
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He did research in
Alameto county, California
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He took 7,000 people and
he was given a research grant
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by the state
Department of Health in CA.
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The result of that study showed
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that the healthiest
life based on these habits:
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That is the healthiest lifestyle
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In this next graph it
shows the stair step affect:
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This is the rate that
people die during that 9 year
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period of time.
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Those who practice 3 or
less of those health habits
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20% is the rate of death
of those who practice only 3
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or less of those health habits.
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The more of those
health habits you practice
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the longer you live.
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The death rate
was 4 times higher for
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people who practiced 3 or
less of those health habits
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as compared to
those who practiced all 7.
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Every one you added to your life
your life expectancy increased.
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Was one of those relationships?
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What happened, it's very
interesting because there was
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a student at University
of Berkley, by the name of
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Lisa Burkman, she eventually
became a professor at Harford.
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She did a
piggy-back study on this.
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She was doing a study
on relationships in health.
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She studied with
that same 7,000 people.
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She studied how
long people would live
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relative to close relationships.
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The results are
shown on this graph:
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It showed the ages that were
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studied at the bottom of the
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graph and then it shows in blue
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was the people who had the
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least social connections.
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In the different age groups
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by-in-large they die of a
3 times higher rate during
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that 9 year period of
study if they had fewer social
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connections as
opposed to those who had the
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most social connections.
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So these social
connections are just vital.
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Absolutely vital for stress
management and for longevity,
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absolutely vital.
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Now, the next graph shows:
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as a result of this research
they also studied another
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8 years beyond that
9 year period of time.
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This is what most people, many
people have heard about that
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previous research, but they
studied another 8 years so they
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had 17 years total they were
studying these 7,000 people.
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The healthiest were those
who had lived by all 7 of those
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health habits and
had close social ties.
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The next graph is
a stunning result:
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That just goes to show
that you can be about as healthy
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as you want, but if you
don't have any close friends
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it's not going to work.
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Exactly, and that kind of
research has lead Dean Ornish,
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who is the researcher
who was dealing with just
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diet and heart
disease to make this comment:
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That is a powerful statement.
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Absolutely!
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It just goes to show
that the researchers today
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are recognizing the
vital importance of close
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relationships,
healthy relationships,
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loving relationships.
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It's not what you know, it's
really who you know, who you're
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in contact with.
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It's not what you know,
what you do, but who you know.
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It doesn't mean that the
health habits for a healthy life
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are not important they
are important but it shows
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that even in a relative
balance... many people think
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that because they are
exercising, because they're
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not eating high cholesterol
foods, they're doing the best
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they can for their health.
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If you only can
choose one or the other,
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you want good,
healthy, close relationships.
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But better yet
do it all together.
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I've met some people that
want to be so healthy that they
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will mess-up relationships
because they say, "Look
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you're not
letting me be healthy. "
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But that's really as, in
fact, more important than
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the behavior they
want to accomplish.
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And that in fact is
a Biblical principle.
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You have evidence in
the Bible that people
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are more important than food.
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The kingdom of God
which is relationships,
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building
relationships for eternity.
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It is not a
matter of food and drink.
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Talking about that, I
appreciate the balanced
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approach and how
those two fit together.
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Both of them are important
but look, the top of the pyramid
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in a sense, as you said,
is these loving relationships.
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How many close social
relationships do I need to have?
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That's a very good question.
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There's research done by
Dr. John Powel on this subject.
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He had 5 levels of communication
which other researchers have
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helped me realize our
levels of relationship.
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We start with a stranger
level which we have many people
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involved in our lives
at the stranger level.
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The Acquaintance level
where it a little bit more of a
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relationship established there.
I could be walking down the
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food isle at a food market
and just nod at people walking
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by and that's stranger, if I
happen to mention to somebody
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a stranger, this cereal
was 25 cents lower last week
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then it is an acquaintance level
You can't say that to thousands
00:13:09.95\00:13:12.88
of people but you can to a few
people, fewer at least than the
00:13:12.92\00:13:15.81
stranger level.
00:13:15.85\00:13:17.07
Then you get to the casual level
and at every step you go up
00:13:17.11\00:13:20.32
there is fewer people you tend
to talk to at this level, but I
00:13:20.35\00:13:23.53
can go through the line.
The check out person is the
00:13:23.56\00:13:26.83
same person you go to
each time, that's casual.
00:13:26.86\00:13:28.84
You may say to the
check-out lady or man.
00:13:28.87\00:13:32.63
You may say something like
I think there is a conspiracy
00:13:32.66\00:13:35.36
going on, I noticed the same
prices were going up in other
00:13:35.39\00:13:38.05
stores like the gas stations.
It's like a conspiracy,
00:13:38.08\00:13:40.83
it is now you are getting
a little bit deeper in your
00:13:40.87\00:13:43.58
relationships there.
00:13:43.61\00:13:44.87
Then you get where you
are sharing safe feelings
00:13:44.90\00:13:47.42
and emotions at that level.
00:13:47.45\00:13:48.68
Then you go up to the
next level and you have close
00:13:48.71\00:13:52.15
relationships, here you
are revealing more of yourself.
00:13:52.19\00:13:55.26
You hop in the car with the
person that came to the store
00:13:55.29\00:13:58.28
with you and you are saying
something like, one of the
00:13:58.32\00:14:01.24
things that concerns me that
the prices are rising like they
00:14:01.27\00:14:04.19
are is because my pay check
seems to be shrinking and I
00:14:04.22\00:14:06.73
can see the day coming when
I actually will not have the
00:14:06.76\00:14:09.23
money to be able
to get basic things.
00:14:09.27\00:14:10.80
You are sharing more intimate
thing with them, but not closely
00:14:10.83\00:14:15.26
The interesting thing is that
research shows at that level
00:14:15.29\00:14:19.48
many people don't have any more
than 12-15 people at any one
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time, even in their lifetime
to share with at that level.
00:14:23.02\00:14:27.24
So there is top 12, top 15.
That's right 12-15 people at
00:14:27.27\00:14:31.45
that level.
00:14:31.49\00:14:32.46
We have one more
level. Okay intimate.
00:14:32.47\00:14:34.58
What would you categorize me
and you are not going to hurt
00:14:34.61\00:14:38.07
my feelings, am I a
stranger and acquaintance?
00:14:38.11\00:14:40.56
Well, with you Don, I
think when we are together
00:14:40.59\00:14:43.01
would be right up
there at the top level
00:14:43.04\00:14:46.22
I appreciate that,
no pressure at all!
00:14:46.26\00:14:49.41
Then there is that top level,
intimate where you may only
00:14:49.45\00:14:54.50
have one to three people in
a life time that are sharing
00:14:54.53\00:14:57.93
with you at that intimate level.
00:14:57.97\00:14:59.76
Your wife, maybe a
close brother, whatever.
00:14:59.79\00:15:02.86
That's right, and at that
point, what you're doing is
00:15:02.89\00:15:05.12
when you're at that
level, you're in essence...
00:15:05.16\00:15:09.42
You could say to them,
"The reason I'm worried about
00:15:09.45\00:15:13.67
this is because I'm not
doing very well in my job. "
00:15:13.71\00:15:17.86
"I'm afraid if I get let go of
this job, my age, my skill level
00:15:17.89\00:15:23.20
or whatever, I may
not get another job. "
00:15:23.24\00:15:25.63
So you are really sharing much
more and being more vulnerable.
00:15:25.67\00:15:27.56
You spill all the beans,
you can tell everything to them.
00:15:27.59\00:15:29.44
And that's the person you
think would never use that
00:15:29.48\00:15:31.09
information to
betray you, never.
00:15:31.12\00:15:33.82
And when they do, it's one of
the greatest stressors of life.
00:15:33.85\00:15:36.55
That's why
divorce is so devastating.
00:15:36.58\00:15:39.07
Because you've shared
things with that individual you
00:15:39.10\00:15:42.09
thought would
never get beyond that.
00:15:42.12\00:15:44.02
Often during a divorce, the most
vulnerable things you've said,
00:15:44.06\00:15:47.58
the most embarrassing
thing, sometimes get trumpeted.
00:15:47.61\00:15:51.14
This really impresses me that
this is sort of the way if you
00:15:51.17\00:15:55.62
look at the Bible you
look at Christ's life.
00:15:55.66\00:15:57.68
He certainly had those
that were casual acquaintances
00:15:57.72\00:16:01.30
The 5,000, the multitudes, then
closer and closer, then He had
00:16:01.34\00:16:05.13
the top 12, I
guess you could say.
00:16:05.17\00:16:06.79
Then out of that there was...
00:16:06.83\00:16:08.61
He had those 12 and
then Mary and Martha where
00:16:08.64\00:16:11.01
He liked to hang
out at their place.
00:16:11.04\00:16:12.76
You maybe have 12-15 and
then you have the top three.
00:16:12.79\00:16:17.73
When He wanted to share
with only a few, He chose those
00:16:17.77\00:16:22.67
top three
Peter, James, and John.
00:16:22.71\00:16:24.11
When He was so
vulnerable in Gethsemane,
00:16:24.15\00:16:26.73
He took those
top three with Him.
00:16:26.77\00:16:28.55
We're talking
with Dr. Skip MacCarty
00:16:28.58\00:16:31.43
We're talking about
stress and the importance
00:16:31.47\00:16:33.12
of social relationships.
00:16:33.15\00:16:34.42
We hope that you
join us when we come back.
00:16:34.46\00:16:37.10
Have you found yourself wishing
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00:16:49.63\00:16:52.70
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00:16:58.21\00:17:00.57
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So call or write today:
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Welcome back, we're
talking with Dr. Skip MacCarty.
00:17:44.20\00:17:46.45
We're talking about
stress and relationships
00:17:46.49\00:17:49.72
and what we can do
to lesson our stress.
00:17:49.75\00:17:52.91
What about the Golden
Rule, does that help us at all?
00:17:52.95\00:17:55.72
Don, the Golden Rule is
the foundational principle
00:17:55.75\00:17:58.49
of all relationships.
00:17:58.52\00:17:59.81
If we all treated each other
relative to the Golden Rule
00:17:59.84\00:18:02.32
we wouldn't have to worry
about any other relationship
00:18:02.36\00:18:04.81
any other principles,
they would be built in.
00:18:04.84\00:18:07.90
It's the most common element
of the major world religions
00:18:07.94\00:18:13.37
And of course,
Jesus said it sums up
00:18:13.41\00:18:16.10
the law and the prophet.
00:18:16.14\00:18:17.34
He said, "Whatever you do,
do unto others as you would
00:18:17.38\00:18:18.80
have them do unto you this
is the law and the prophets. "
00:18:18.83\00:18:20.94
sums up the law and the
prophets so it's foundational.
00:18:20.97\00:18:24.45
He told the story
of the Good Samaritan
00:18:24.49\00:18:27.75
which
illustrates the Golden Rule.
00:18:27.79\00:18:30.12
Put yourself in the other
person's place in relationships
00:18:30.16\00:18:35.52
and conflict situations
all aspects of relationships
00:18:35.55\00:18:39.18
put yourself in the other
person's place, treat them as
00:18:39.21\00:18:40.92
you would want to be treated and
00:18:40.95\00:18:43.13
we would have
healthy relationships.
00:18:43.16\00:18:45.27
You would have no detriment
to your own... stressful because
00:18:45.30\00:18:49.13
you'd have all kinds of
friends who would love you for
00:18:49.16\00:18:52.08
the way you are, like Christ.
00:18:52.11\00:18:54.07
Yes but Jesus treated people
as He would want to be treated
00:18:54.10\00:18:57.28
if they were in His place.
00:18:57.31\00:18:58.30
They didn't all love Him because
sometimes putting yourself in
00:18:58.33\00:19:03.18
another person's place,
you would want to at least
00:19:03.22\00:19:05.72
have the opportunity to
know something that your doing
00:19:05.75\00:19:11.00
is damaging you.
00:19:11.04\00:19:12.07
Jesus did it in the most
loving way He could, but yet
00:19:12.11\00:19:15.16
still He made enemies.
00:19:15.19\00:19:16.57
So it doesn't mean we're
automatically have friends
00:19:16.61\00:19:19.35
but it's the best we can
do, it's the key principle.
00:19:19.38\00:19:22.12
Right, Golden Rule, but
then beware when all men
00:19:22.15\00:19:24.85
speak well of you as well.
00:19:24.89\00:19:26.16
In your seminar you talk a
lot about parity principle.
00:19:26.19\00:19:29.42
Explain that to us.
00:19:29.46\00:19:31.81
It simply says:
00:19:31.85\00:19:34.17
We all want
equality relationships.
00:19:38.71\00:19:40.93
If I talk to you in a demeaning
way, if I acted superior to you,
00:19:40.96\00:19:44.43
Here's a graphic:
00:19:44.46\00:19:46.18
It just graphically shows two
people in a parity relationship.
00:19:49.96\00:19:50.95
Just their size shows they're
in a parity relationship.
00:19:50.98\00:19:54.20
That's what we're talking about.
00:19:54.24\00:19:56.23
Equal, Equal.
00:19:56.27\00:19:58.08
If you were demeaning toward me
acting like you knew a lot more
00:19:58.11\00:20:00.38
about this subject, or I acted
like I knew everything about it,
00:20:00.41\00:20:03.26
and you just
didn't know much about it.
00:20:03.29\00:20:04.56
We couldn't relate at the same
level as when we're working as
00:20:04.60\00:20:08.31
colleagues together.
00:20:08.34\00:20:09.77
So, what kind of
things cause relationships to
00:20:09.80\00:20:12.35
get out of
whack, or out of parity?
00:20:12.38\00:20:14.04
There is a series of
things that disrupt parity:
00:20:14.07\00:20:18.77
Personal failure I may
have come out of a week of
00:20:27.21\00:20:30.07
personal/professional failure.
00:20:30.10\00:20:31.30
Maybe my home is falling
apart and therefore I don't feel
00:20:31.33\00:20:36.51
equal to you even though you
don't even know what's happened.
00:20:36.54\00:20:38.84
Just because of
what's been going on
00:20:38.88\00:20:40.49
that I don't know
about. That's right!
00:20:40.53\00:20:41.97
So I could be criticizing you,
poking at you, trying to get
00:20:42.00\00:20:44.45
you down to my level just so
I find something wrong with you
00:20:44.48\00:20:47.12
So now I feel at
least we are equal.
00:20:47.16\00:20:49.29
You're not having
great professional success
00:20:49.33\00:20:51.47
great relationships, and I'm not
so we're out of relationship.
00:20:51.50\00:20:54.96
So in the next slide
it shows what happens:
00:20:54.99\00:20:58.94
Now, let's say Joe is
Mary's husband, lets say.
00:20:58.98\00:21:02.86
He criticizes, he blames her,
he is bragging about himself.
00:21:02.90\00:21:05.86
You see what
happens graphically there.
00:21:05.89\00:21:08.92
She gets smaller,
feels smaller at least.
00:21:08.96\00:21:11.75
She feels like she's
in a demeaned position.
00:21:11.79\00:21:14.51
That's where we get the phrase
"You're putting me down. "
00:21:14.55\00:21:16.28
Yes.
00:21:16.31\00:21:17.62
Now it could be on her.
00:21:17.66\00:21:19.25
She could have a low
sense of self-esteem.
00:21:19.28\00:21:22.58
In that sense, Joe may do
nothing to contribute to that
00:21:22.61\00:21:27.53
but Mary just feeling not
any quality in that relationship
00:21:27.56\00:21:32.41
So what do people do to try to
regain parity once they've lost
00:21:32.44\00:21:35.47
it or they feel like
it's knocked out of whack?
00:21:35.51\00:21:38.21
Well, often Don, what people
attempt to do is not helpful.
00:21:38.24\00:21:45.33
Here is a graph
of common responses:
00:21:45.37\00:21:49.26
So this would be passive
aggressiveness in some sense.
00:22:01.38\00:22:04.84
or even more than that.
00:22:04.87\00:22:06.13
These responses generally are
ineffective because they tend
00:22:06.16\00:22:10.12
over shoot the mark.
00:22:10.16\00:22:11.49
You would not say to
me, "Thanks, Skip, you just
00:22:11.81\00:22:13.52
established parity in
our relationship, because I
00:22:13.55\00:22:15.23
counter-criticized you. "
00:22:15.26\00:22:16.40
Maybe I had such a terrible
week and I can see you've had
00:22:16.44\00:22:20.48
a such a successful
career right now and I'm not.
00:22:20.51\00:22:24.58
So I'm trying to find fault
with what you're doing just to
00:22:24.62\00:22:28.67
simply establish parity and you
don't even know what's going on.
00:22:28.71\00:22:32.16
Neither do I. I'm
not conscience of it.
00:22:32.19\00:22:34.24
But it something I do
just so there is some equality
00:22:34.27\00:22:37.56
in our relationship.
00:22:37.59\00:22:38.56
Even as we're talking now,
people watching this are going
00:22:38.57\00:22:41.18
to recognize relationships
they're into where that very
00:22:41.21\00:22:44.45
kind of dynamic is taking place.
00:22:44.83\00:22:46.32
They just weren't
conscience of it before.
00:22:46.35\00:22:48.37
Can it happen in
nations and big systems too?
00:22:48.40\00:22:50.83
I kind of sense
that as I'm listening.
00:22:50.86\00:22:52.64
Exactly.
00:22:52.67\00:22:53.73
So it's really important then
to get this back in balance.
00:22:53.76\00:22:58.99
Yes.
00:22:59.02\00:22:59.99
A couple of the next
slides will show examples:
00:23:00.00\00:23:03.00
Here is Mary now, she is
responding to Joe's criticism
00:23:03.03\00:23:08.17
with defensiveness. She
criticizes him, or she brags
00:23:08.20\00:23:13.30
about herself.
00:23:13.33\00:23:14.38
All Mary is trying to do in
essence is re-establish parity.
00:23:14.41\00:23:18.48
But what happens is Joe
doesn't say, "thank you, Mary"
00:23:18.51\00:23:22.50
to re-establish parity.
00:23:22.53\00:23:24.04
In fact he is feeling:
00:23:24.07\00:23:25.73
So what happens
is the relationship
00:23:27.63\00:23:31.60
just spirals downhill.
00:23:31.64\00:23:32.96
Back and forth, back and forth.
00:23:33.00\00:23:34.01
This increases your
stress. Exactly, Exactly!
00:23:34.05\00:23:36.94
So how do you bring
an end to this cycle,
00:23:36.97\00:23:39.83
How do you maintain parity?
00:23:39.86\00:23:41.18
First of all it's beginning
to recognize that the downhill
00:23:41.21\00:23:45.49
spiral... they must
understand the true basis
00:23:45.52\00:23:49.11
of their self-esteem:
00:23:49.14\00:23:50.37
If you're criticizing me,
that doesn't knock us out of
00:23:55.06\00:24:00.18
parity and reality.
00:24:00.21\00:24:01.47
The fact that I've had a
terrible week doesn't knock
00:24:01.50\00:24:02.85
us out of parity and reality.
00:24:02.88\00:24:04.39
Because the true
basis of our self-esteem
00:24:04.42\00:24:06.81
was established by God Himself.
00:24:06.84\00:24:09.76
You're God's
child, I'm God's child.
00:24:09.79\00:24:12.74
God loves you and God loves me.
00:24:12.77\00:24:16.38
That's the true
basis of our self-esteem.
00:24:16.41\00:24:21.08
That wonderful scripture,
"God so loved the world that He
00:24:21.11\00:24:25.00
gave His only begotten
Son, that who so ever believeth
00:24:25.03\00:24:28.96
in Him should not perish
but have everlasting life.
00:24:28.99\00:24:30.64
So like that little song,
"Red and yellow, black and white
00:24:30.67\00:24:33.48
all are precious in His sight.
00:24:33.51\00:24:34.84
That's the key right there.
00:24:34.87\00:24:36.09
That transcends our personal
relationships and gives us some
00:24:36.12\00:24:39.95
sense of esteem outside of
what you do or what I do to you.
00:24:39.98\00:24:43.35
Because then you're
criticizing me, but immediately
00:24:43.38\00:24:47.78
in my head I go to my
relationship with God,
00:24:47.81\00:24:50.46
I re-establish that
sense of value before God.
00:24:50.49\00:24:53.09
So I'm not knocked out
of parity in relationship,
00:24:53.12\00:24:56.10
but it just makes all
the difference in the world
00:24:56.13\00:24:58.33
when that's internalized.
00:24:58.36\00:25:00.08
Such a helpful concept.
00:25:00.11\00:25:01.75
What can I do to make sure I do
not get knocked out of parity?
00:25:01.78\00:25:05.89
Well, these are responses
to help re-establish parity
00:25:05.92\00:25:10.79
once it's
been... to foster parity:
00:25:10.82\00:25:14.05
You don't have to react,
you actually keep this in mind
00:25:59.41\00:26:03.03
and bring balance.
00:26:03.06\00:26:04.03
Look at these next
couple slides they will show:
00:26:04.04\00:26:05.72
Here's Joe again
criticizing, blaming, bragging
00:26:05.75\00:26:08.45
but notice Mary isn't
being knocked down again
00:26:08.48\00:26:10.84
because something else
is going on in her head.
00:26:10.87\00:26:12.31
And we get into her head and
see what's going on in her head.
00:26:12.34\00:26:15.29
She's saying to herself, right
there in the middle of that,
00:26:15.32\00:26:18.28
"God loves me. "
"God loves Joe. "
00:26:18.31\00:26:21.29
It doesn't matter
what he said, God loves me
00:26:21.32\00:26:23.89
This issue matters:
00:26:23.92\00:26:26.33
I tell you, Don,
this is so powerful.
00:26:32.03\00:26:35.48
I have been right in the middle
of difficult conversations
00:26:35.51\00:26:38.85
and immediately I
recognize what's happening.
00:26:38.88\00:26:41.20
And I'm responding to
try to re-establish parity
00:26:41.23\00:26:44.19
and I kick into this mode
again and awesome things happen.
00:26:44.23\00:26:47.08
Are there some relationships
that just by their very nature
00:26:47.11\00:26:49.93
are out of parity and
you have to be careful about?
00:26:49.96\00:26:52.38
Excellent question, and
there are, aren't there?
00:26:52.42\00:26:54.77
Parent/child relationships
for instance is automatically
00:26:54.81\00:26:58.38
out of parity because you have
the big person/little person
00:26:58.41\00:27:06.59
or
employer/employee relationships.
00:27:09.06\00:27:12.44
What a parent has to do is
to get down on the child's level
00:27:12.48\00:27:15.50
often times that's just
bending down to a child's level
00:27:15.53\00:27:18.52
even physically bending down.
00:27:18.55\00:27:19.78
An employer has to go out
of their way to compliment an
00:27:19.82\00:27:22.64
employee for some
job they've done well.
00:27:22.67\00:27:24.54
By that they are doing the
best they can to foster parity
00:27:24.58\00:27:27.61
in a relationship.
00:27:27.65\00:27:28.62
It doesn't mean you
abdicate your responsibilities
00:27:28.63\00:27:30.10
as a parent or employer, but it
means being aware of this sets
00:27:30.14\00:27:33.32
you free to try to make sure
that you're not contributing
00:27:33.36\00:27:37.82
to even more disparity.
00:27:37.86\00:27:39.31
This has been very helpful.
00:27:39.35\00:27:40.79
I think it could help people
individually, their families,
00:27:40.83\00:27:44.47
and their community even
world leaders if they took
00:27:44.51\00:27:47.68
this seriously
this could certainly be
00:27:47.71\00:27:50.78
something very important.
00:27:50.82\00:27:51.79
We're glad you've been watching
and we hope you have parity in
00:27:51.80\00:27:54.29
your relationships, that you do
have many social relationships
00:27:54.33\00:27:56.95
and you have health
that lasts for a lifetime.
00:27:56.99\00:28:00.87