Hi, welcome to For Guys Only,
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a program that is
designed to meet the needs
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of the urban man.
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I'm your host Pastor William Lee
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and today we have a
very exciting topic.
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Today our topic is
"Unhappy Ever After."
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Join us as we go
in today's broadcast.
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Gentlemen, welcome once again
to another broadcast today.
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It's so good to see each
one of you all once again
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and as always we have
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very
interesting topic to discuss
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and today is no different.
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As we go in today's topic,
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Brandon, why
don't you pray for us
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as we get started today?
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Sure, let's bow our heads.
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God in heaven, we thank
You for this opportunity
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to come together and to discuss
a very important subject,
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the subject of marriage.
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Let the listeners be blessed
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and their marriage is
blessed as well we pray.
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Amen. Amen.
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All right, gentlemen,
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let's kind of just briefly
introduce ourselves today
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so our audience to know exactly,
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you know, who we are and
what perspective we bring
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to today's broadcast.
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I'll start it right here.
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All right, I'm Stephen Barber,
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husband of one
wife, have two children.
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Lake Region
Conference Ministry director,
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entrepreneur and executive chef.
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All right, very good.
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My name is Colin
King, I'm a father of two.
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I'm married and I'm trained
as a clinical psychologist.
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All right, very good.
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My name is Brandon Dent
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and I'm a retired
automotive executive.
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I'm now running
my own marketing firm
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and I have two grown sons
and a teenage daughter at home
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and one wife, 27 years so
I hope that will qualify me
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to contribute
to this discussion.
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All right. You showing off.
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He is showing off. Good.
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I'm Pastor
William Lee, I'm your host
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and we married for
now for eight years,
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I have two sons,
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six-year-old as
well as 18-month-old
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and I'm excited as we
get into today's topic.
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The topic of
marriage, gentlemen,
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the topic of
marriage but this is unique
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because we put a twist on it.
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Our title is
"Unhappy Ever After."
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Now usually we think of marriage
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as being something
that's just full of bliss
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and total happiness.
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We know, you know,
you have the theme,
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you know, you got married
and you are happily ever after.
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You just totally
happy but now we are saying
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that you aren't
unhappy ever after.
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You know, what's going on here?
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We will look at marriages
and as a pastor, you know,
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I've counseled many,
many married couples,
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even pre-married
couples of course
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but there seems to be a shifting
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and what's happening in
our world today especially
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as we visit the church as well
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where marriages are
not sticking together.
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There is a lot of discontent
in our marriages today
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whether be from the
husband or from the wife.
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There is this a lot of
conflict that is going on.
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When you get married you
are specially to be happy
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but then at some
point you slowly drift away.
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Brandon, I'm kind of
throw it out to you right now.
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What are some of the reasons
that marriages tend to find,
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tension is strive
and are there some steps
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that we can take to
better our marriages?
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Yeah, well, I will
start with the first piece
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some of the
sources of discontent.
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A lot of times there
hasn't been enough time to date
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and get to no
one another upfront.
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So you think you
know who you are marrying
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but in fact you don't.
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Over time the real
person comes to the surface
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and that can
create some problems.
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Another reason
which is kind of tied
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to this is sometimes
it's actually intentional
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that someone not
show all of who they are.
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They may not be
marrying for love,
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they might be marrying
for security or other reasons
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thinking that they can tolerate
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whatever it is
in the personality
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in the character that
that they may not be into
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and of course time shows
that they are not gonna be happy
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and that starts
to manifest itself
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in this
discontent in the marriage.
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Sometimes men will not
think anything is wrong
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but when they really
start to open things up
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either they will see a counselor
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or start talking with a pastor
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whatever, you will find that
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perhaps there was an
incident of infertility,
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incident of--
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and it doesn't
have to be a lot of them
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but, you know,
you it can be have
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an isolate incident of abuse
and then these little things
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which perhaps the
man is thinking well,
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I said I'm sorry
and I got passed it
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he doesn't realize that these,
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these things are stuck
in the mind of the spouse
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and it's got to play
itself out in the relationship.
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So just to start things off
there are variety of reasons
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why discontent can surface in
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what you thought
was the beginning
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of a happy marriage.
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Okay, let me, let
me tell us this words
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we have from our discussion,
you know, most married couples
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start off as, as
really good friends.
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I mean, they start off,
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you know, they
are dating each other,
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they were friends then
it became best friends.
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In fact, even the
Bible says in Proverbs 18:24
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that "A man that hath friends
must shew" first "shew himself
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to be friendly himself."
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You know, so and we
know that there is a friend
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that's too closer than a
brother and that as Jesus.
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So, you know, but there
is a slow gradual process
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sometimes where we are--
they become not good friends
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but sometimes there
comes a wall in between them.
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Help us, you know,
kind of get over that wall
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and identify
some of those issues
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so that this married couple
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can come back
to be great friends
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and lovers once again.
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What can be done?
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Well, first-- I mean, just say
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the most obvious thing out there
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open your mouth, man.
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Communication, you
know, is the biggest thing
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that hinders
relationships today.
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My wife always if she feels
me giving a little distance
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or little-- call all men do it,
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you know, you get
caught up in your business
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and I got to
market this product,
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I got to get down
here and get this done,
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I got to go off and
minister to these brothers
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and she will be like,
hey, I'm not your roommate.
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You know, I'm, your wife.
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That's right. That's right.
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And I'm like,
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you are right
babe, you are right.
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I will say, so what
we gonna have to do?
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We have to set up a date night
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I'll come home and I will do it,
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you know, in my
own creative way,
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you know, try-- I make her feel
that you are still the spouse.
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You are the queen of my house
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and I love you
above any and all.
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You know, there is
God then there is you.
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Okay, so momma is
not even in the picture.
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I love my momma, I love
you, momma, wherever you are.
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You know, where
can be I love you.
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But even my mother know
yeah, your wife comes first.
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You know, she told me
that your wife comes first.
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The happiness,
the joy, the sharing,
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everything that pertains
to happiness in the home
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pertains around the man
protecting and providing
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for his wife.
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But, you know, I
heard what you say.
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The first you say
better open your mouth.
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You know,
communication is important.
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Dr. King, I know that somehow
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we are way
differently though then women.
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The man is--
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we communicate as men
differently than women do,
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you know.
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And you say open your mouth
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but for man it may not
to be that easy sometimes.
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Dr. King, help us understand,
you know, this whole thing
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about communication
and open your mouth.
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You know, as guys, you know,
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we tend to be clueless at times.
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We don't pick up
on clues very well.
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We don't like to talk.
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Actually, interestingly
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when men are
with a group of people
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men tend to
talk more than women.
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Okay.
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But when a man,
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his married days with his
wife he tends to talk less.
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Because women
tend to kind of a zero
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in on emotional content
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and as men we don't like to talk
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a lot about our
feelings and emotions because
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and we feel vulnerable.
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You know, women
just physiologically,
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women have a
larger corpus callosum,
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you know, which kind of houses
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our whole
bonding feeling system.
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Ironically it's
one of the reasons
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why more women are
depressed than men.
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You know, they are made,
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they are structured
their design to feel more
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because, you
know, they bear children
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and so there is
that natural bonding.
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For whatever reason guys
are afraid of that bonding thing
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and so we tend to isolate,
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we tend to create our
own cave or retreat centers
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what is in the
basement or in the garage
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or one of you and, you
know, Stephen said it right.
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Open your mouth and talk
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but sometimes
it's difficult to talk
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because whenever
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I'm interacting with
the female in variably
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she is gonna touch
on an emotional content
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like my wife does.
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And if I'm secured emotionally
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I tend to avoid
that and then, you know,
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we start to drift apart
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and once again a
guy will tell you,
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you know, I'm
fine, everything is fine
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but a woman will
say I'm miserable.
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This is not working at all.
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And so we live
our lives in denial
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until we drift so far apart
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that is difficult to
come back together again.
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So you are right,
open your mouth and talk.
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Okay. Okay.
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And then it's important to try
and get at the heart of what,
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you know, what is the
concern for your wife.
00:10:00.96\00:10:04.03
There are some
concerns that seem superficial
00:10:04.07\00:10:08.47
but they are so significant
00:10:08.50\00:10:10.17
that they actually keep
you from getting the first base
00:10:10.21\00:10:13.34
on the bigger issue.
00:10:13.38\00:10:14.81
For example,
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when you are dating
you were always sharp,
00:10:17.35\00:10:20.62
here always done, right.
00:10:20.68\00:10:23.28
Shave nice and
tight. Smell good.
00:10:23.35\00:10:26.39
Now you married for couple years
00:10:26.42\00:10:28.96
it just kind of let things go.
00:10:28.99\00:10:31.49
You are working
hard, one extra day
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without the razor won't hurt
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and it's starting to bother her
because you are not keeping up
00:10:36.23\00:10:39.73
the appearance of the
dude she married, right.
00:10:39.77\00:10:43.34
Now you want to come in
and talk about what's going on
00:10:43.37\00:10:47.71
and perhaps there
is a bigger problem
00:10:47.74\00:10:50.08
but this higher
level superficial one
00:10:50.11\00:10:53.35
may not open her up
00:10:53.38\00:10:54.72
that even want to
have that conversation
00:10:54.75\00:10:56.65
because right
now this first thing
00:10:56.72\00:10:58.59
which is annoying factor for her
00:10:58.62\00:11:01.26
is sitting front in
center on the sofa saying,
00:11:01.29\00:11:03.53
hey can we talk.
00:11:03.56\00:11:05.93
Okay.
00:11:05.96\00:11:07.30
You know, I just
wanted to piggy back
00:11:07.30\00:11:09.33
on what Brandon said.
00:11:09.36\00:11:10.73
You know, there is a
good reason for that,
00:11:10.77\00:11:12.57
you know, ask guys we
are hunters, you know.
00:11:12.60\00:11:15.77
So once, once we are
captured we are done, you know,
00:11:15.80\00:11:19.71
and, you know,
women are mostly gathers.
00:11:19.74\00:11:23.24
You know, they like to
bond. You know, we like to hunt.
00:11:23.31\00:11:27.38
And so as guys, you know,
00:11:27.42\00:11:28.75
we need to be able
to zero in on the fact
00:11:28.78\00:11:31.09
that is good to look sharp,
00:11:31.12\00:11:33.12
you know, it's
good to be in a hunt
00:11:33.15\00:11:34.99
but, you know,
one there's a capture
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that we need to make
that special effort to bond
00:11:37.49\00:11:41.36
because that's just as
important as a hunting.
00:11:41.40\00:11:45.03
Okay. Okay.
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You know, I'm thinking
about this guy right now
00:11:46.43\00:11:48.14
that is watching again as always
00:11:48.17\00:11:51.11
and he is thinking that,
00:11:51.14\00:11:53.31
you know, I'm
just unhappy right now.
00:11:53.34\00:11:55.74
I've gotten married, you know,
00:11:55.78\00:11:57.91
I was in love with my
wife for a while may been,
00:11:57.95\00:12:01.55
you know, some years
00:12:01.58\00:12:02.92
but at the end
right now in his heart
00:12:02.95\00:12:04.42
he is just not
content right now.
00:12:04.45\00:12:06.45
He know that there is an
issues that that's been going on
00:12:06.49\00:12:09.89
but he is not
communicating those issues
00:12:09.92\00:12:11.66
he is just kind of mess them.
00:12:11.69\00:12:13.40
But right now he is
absolutely frustrated
00:12:13.43\00:12:15.40
and he is thinking about
00:12:15.43\00:12:16.77
just kind of
walking away as well.
00:12:16.83\00:12:18.53
You know, help us out again guys
00:12:18.57\00:12:20.40
because I know
each one of you all,
00:12:20.44\00:12:22.04
you know, in your own marriages
00:12:22.07\00:12:23.77
God has blessed
you all but, you know,
00:12:23.81\00:12:26.51
what about that
guy who, you know,
00:12:26.54\00:12:28.51
the woman that she may
have some discontent as well
00:12:28.54\00:12:30.71
but the guy has
discontent as well.
00:12:30.75\00:12:33.78
you know, One
thing as to talk about
00:12:33.82\00:12:35.95
but what else can we do
as well as guys to help us
00:12:35.98\00:12:40.22
with our own
issues in our minds.
00:12:40.26\00:12:42.29
Yeah, what you are
talking about is that,
00:12:42.32\00:12:44.93
is that cry for help,
that silent cry for help,
00:12:44.96\00:12:50.90
that I may not quite
know how to verbalize.
00:12:50.93\00:12:54.50
You know, I feel
frustrated, I feel distant,
00:12:54.54\00:12:58.51
I feel I die of
drifted but how do I reconnect
00:12:58.54\00:13:02.51
because keep in
mind that, you know,
00:13:02.54\00:13:04.05
we have that strong male ego,
00:13:04.08\00:13:06.58
you know, I may try to reconnect
00:13:06.61\00:13:09.32
and my wife may say, forget you.
00:13:09.35\00:13:11.69
You know, you had your chance.
00:13:11.72\00:13:13.05
you know, So
this is not your time.
00:13:13.09\00:13:14.96
I think it's important that
00:13:14.99\00:13:17.03
we learn how to
reach out for help.
00:13:17.06\00:13:19.29
Whether its through
a professional service,
00:13:19.33\00:13:23.73
whether its through or pastor,
00:13:23.77\00:13:26.17
or whether its
through a confident
00:13:26.20\00:13:28.74
preferably one of the same sex.
00:13:28.77\00:13:31.57
And so it's important as a guy,
00:13:31.61\00:13:34.94
as guys we have at
least one person in whom
00:13:34.98\00:13:39.41
we can confine and in
whom we are willing to see
00:13:39.45\00:13:44.72
this, these are what I think
are the issues now help me,
00:13:44.75\00:13:49.06
reflect what I'm saying
and let us find solutions.
00:13:49.09\00:13:52.86
You know, don't confined someone
00:13:52.89\00:13:55.60
who will quickly see, so
what are you waiting for,
00:13:55.63\00:13:58.97
walk away.
00:13:59.00\00:14:00.44
So choose your
confident very, very carefully.
00:14:00.47\00:14:03.71
That's good.
That's good. That's good.
00:14:03.74\00:14:05.47
Brandon, there has
to be few more steps,
00:14:05.51\00:14:07.61
few more steps where it relates
to improve this marriage.
00:14:07.64\00:14:11.55
I have five things that I
like to share with our audience.
00:14:11.58\00:14:17.42
We started with the first
one and that is communication.
00:14:17.49\00:14:20.09
Communication is very essential.
00:14:20.16\00:14:24.06
Just getting your spouse to
be willing to sit down and talk
00:14:24.13\00:14:30.07
that you both might be
ready to walk out the door.
00:14:30.13\00:14:34.10
You are not coming to say
00:14:34.14\00:14:36.04
I'm going to change your desire
00:14:36.07\00:14:42.44
to walk out of the
door in this conversation.
00:14:42.48\00:14:45.15
That's way too lofty, okay.
00:14:45.18\00:14:47.12
You just want to agree
to let's sit down and talk.
00:14:47.18\00:14:49.62
What that does, it buys
time so that the Holy Spirit
00:14:49.65\00:14:54.86
can start working in
your heart and in her heart
00:14:54.89\00:14:59.66
and that's number two.
00:14:59.69\00:15:03.16
It's no good if you buy the time
00:15:03.20\00:15:04.87
but don't then
subscribe for the help.
00:15:04.90\00:15:07.47
So you have to agree
can we lead out with prayer,
00:15:07.54\00:15:12.04
can we let the
Holy Spirit lead us.
00:15:12.07\00:15:14.81
Not just come from
what we are feeling
00:15:14.84\00:15:17.95
but get God
involved so that as we talk,
00:15:17.98\00:15:22.78
as we go down
whatever path we are on,
00:15:22.82\00:15:25.05
how wherever we are gonna land
00:15:25.09\00:15:26.62
that at least we do
it with the assurance
00:15:26.65\00:15:28.92
that the Holy Spirit is leading.
00:15:28.96\00:15:31.63
One important prayer
I want to make was that
00:15:34.00\00:15:38.00
if you want a
truly successful marriage
00:15:38.03\00:15:40.60
it's gonna be a marriage
that is spiritually edifying.
00:15:40.64\00:15:44.91
In other words you
are gonna help each other
00:15:44.94\00:15:47.64
pursue righteousness,
pursue your eternal salvation.
00:15:47.68\00:15:53.68
When you tie
your eternal salvation
00:15:53.72\00:15:59.52
with the
dynamics of your marriage
00:15:59.55\00:16:03.29
then you ask the
question, do I want to be saved?
00:16:03.32\00:16:05.39
Yes, I want to be saved.
00:16:05.43\00:16:06.76
Then guess what, yes,
00:16:06.83\00:16:08.13
we want to make sure
we get this marriage right
00:16:08.16\00:16:09.76
because it is so closely related
00:16:09.80\00:16:12.10
to our eternal destiny.
00:16:12.13\00:16:14.14
The third piece and
there are five of them.
00:16:14.17\00:16:17.54
The third piece is especially
if you have a discontent wife,
00:16:17.61\00:16:22.71
right,
00:16:22.74\00:16:25.85
is to let her,
articulate her concerns
00:16:25.88\00:16:30.19
accepted you may not
think it fits, the shoe fits.
00:16:30.22\00:16:33.69
You may not
think it's appropriate
00:16:33.76\00:16:38.86
but you are at a place
where you need to just let her
00:16:38.89\00:16:42.06
articulate her concerns.
00:16:42.10\00:16:44.23
Write them down, okay.
00:16:44.27\00:16:48.07
Echo them back to her
00:16:48.10\00:16:49.44
so that she
understands you got it,
00:16:49.47\00:16:51.74
that you are listening,
00:16:51.77\00:16:53.11
okay, showing some
empathy for her situation.
00:16:53.14\00:16:55.88
This is not a time to say,
00:16:55.91\00:16:57.68
well, you know, I also
have some concerns too.
00:16:57.71\00:17:00.45
We can get to that later.
00:17:00.48\00:17:01.82
Right now, just
let her talk, right.
00:17:01.85\00:17:06.05
Then I'm gonna put
my engineering head out,
00:17:06.09\00:17:08.92
then I say take
parietal approach.
00:17:08.96\00:17:11.56
A parietal is a guy
who said, in quality.
00:17:11.59\00:17:15.56
Figure out what you're biggest,
00:17:15.60\00:17:16.97
what are your
quality problems are
00:17:17.00\00:17:18.83
and put them in order of
the greatest to the least.
00:17:18.87\00:17:23.81
The biggest
problem down to the least
00:17:23.84\00:17:25.71
and then work on
just the top three.
00:17:25.74\00:17:28.11
By doing that you will make
00:17:28.14\00:17:30.15
the greatest
improvement in your quality
00:17:30.18\00:17:33.42
over those three items
that you could possibly--
00:17:33.45\00:17:35.55
over any three items
that you could possibly make.
00:17:35.58\00:17:40.19
So take these
concerns that she has,
00:17:40.26\00:17:43.06
have her prioritize them
00:17:43.09\00:17:45.23
and see you can agree
to work on the top three.
00:17:45.26\00:17:48.60
Before you work on them though
00:17:48.63\00:17:50.53
have-- get an
understanding what does the,
00:17:50.57\00:17:53.20
what does the success look like.
00:17:53.23\00:17:55.67
How does it-- you
know, I could say,
00:17:55.70\00:17:57.07
well, I'll handle this this way
00:17:57.11\00:17:58.64
and it may not
do anything for her.
00:17:58.67\00:18:00.61
So make sure you
understand from her
00:18:00.64\00:18:02.84
what is, what the
success look like in these,
00:18:02.88\00:18:06.98
in dealing with the,
in resolving these matters
00:18:07.05\00:18:09.22
so that you are
actually working a plan
00:18:09.25\00:18:11.82
toward a resolution
that will work for her.
00:18:11.85\00:18:16.12
And then the last, the
last is actually do the work.
00:18:16.16\00:18:22.13
Take a
spiritual God led approach
00:18:22.16\00:18:25.73
to working on those issues.
00:18:25.77\00:18:28.47
And just remember that if
you go through this process
00:18:28.50\00:18:32.11
in a diligent fashion
00:18:32.14\00:18:34.41
you will begin to
00:18:34.44\00:18:36.08
have an affect on her character,
00:18:36.11\00:18:37.65
just having her watch
you go through this process
00:18:37.68\00:18:41.75
will have an impact
on the relationship.
00:18:41.78\00:18:43.82
That's right. Okay. Okay.
00:18:43.89\00:18:45.52
You know, there
is a little our view,
00:18:45.55\00:18:46.89
really pathetical
with this right here.
00:18:46.96\00:18:48.49
The guy is
saying, you know what,
00:18:48.52\00:18:49.86
she just annoys me.
00:18:49.89\00:18:51.63
You know, I have been living
with her for such a long time
00:18:51.66\00:18:54.46
and, you know, every
night she just snores,
00:18:54.46\00:18:57.87
you know, and it bothers me.
00:18:57.90\00:19:00.20
And he has lived
with this for so long
00:19:00.27\00:19:01.94
and he is like, oh, my goodness,
00:19:01.97\00:19:03.30
I can't do
anything else right now.
00:19:03.34\00:19:04.67
I want, you know, and
he goes to the other room
00:19:04.71\00:19:07.34
and he's been sleeping
in the other room right now
00:19:07.41\00:19:09.44
and now she is upset as well
00:19:09.48\00:19:10.81
and that's created
even more distance.
00:19:10.88\00:19:13.21
You know,
snoring is one, it maybe
00:19:13.25\00:19:15.08
leaving that's what
I see upon other thing,
00:19:15.12\00:19:16.52
you know, whatever.
00:19:16.55\00:19:17.89
How do we handle, you
know, the annoying things
00:19:17.92\00:19:20.49
that happen in marriages
that has caused married couples
00:19:20.52\00:19:24.36
to so to speak separate
00:19:24.39\00:19:25.73
or as you say be a
roommate in a home.
00:19:25.76\00:19:28.13
What can we do to
help stop being a roommate
00:19:28.16\00:19:32.37
and being so
separate in our lives?
00:19:32.40\00:19:34.37
Well, when it starts with the--
00:19:34.40\00:19:36.00
it starts with the
small things always.
00:19:36.04\00:19:37.67
You know, always be open
to communication at that point
00:19:37.71\00:19:40.58
because honey, I know you snore,
00:19:40.61\00:19:42.04
you know, you do like I do.
00:19:42.08\00:19:43.45
You know, when my
baby sweet baby snores,
00:19:43.48\00:19:46.82
you know, I really
I kind of roll over
00:19:46.85\00:19:48.48
and, you know,
00:19:48.52\00:19:50.82
oh, didn't mean to wake you baby
00:19:50.89\00:19:52.22
but can you roll over, please.
00:19:52.25\00:19:56.19
You know, but always,
you know, say something.
00:19:56.22\00:19:58.59
Hey, just, you
know, you are snoring,
00:19:58.63\00:20:00.40
as you know, not really--
don't say you are snoring
00:20:00.43\00:20:02.36
but, you know, you kind of
keep me up and nice, sweaty.
00:20:02.40\00:20:04.23
You know, you kind of do this
00:20:04.27\00:20:05.73
and I know I have my things too.
00:20:05.77\00:20:07.50
You know, if I was
snoring what would you do?
00:20:07.54\00:20:09.14
Okay.
00:20:09.17\00:20:10.51
The biggest
thing, what would you do
00:20:10.57\00:20:11.91
if I was snoring
and keeping you awake?
00:20:11.94\00:20:13.64
You know, but lead in
to additional come up,
00:20:13.68\00:20:15.38
you know, baby, your
snoring is keeping me up
00:20:15.41\00:20:17.88
what would you do?
00:20:17.91\00:20:19.25
Yeah, diplomacy.
00:20:19.28\00:20:20.62
You know, that can't be healthy,
00:20:20.68\00:20:22.02
you-- the sign that
00:20:22.05\00:20:23.39
you might not be
getting the restored of rest.
00:20:23.42\00:20:25.15
Maybe we should have
this look back, you know.
00:20:25.19\00:20:27.32
So concerned for
her. Right. Right.
00:20:27.36\00:20:29.22
I mean, there
are ways around it,
00:20:29.26\00:20:31.33
you know, you have to ease up.
00:20:31.36\00:20:32.93
Now you just can't just come in
00:20:32.96\00:20:34.46
do it like your dorm room
and your dorm mate in college.
00:20:34.50\00:20:36.93
You know, you snoring
throw a pillow right him, no.
00:20:37.00\00:20:39.07
You have to, you
know, come up on,
00:20:39.10\00:20:40.70
you got to warm up to just
like you have to warm up to
00:20:40.77\00:20:42.67
in every other situation.
00:20:42.70\00:20:45.07
Don't give her flowers
at three in the morning now.
00:20:45.11\00:20:46.71
You know, as you gonna
women will start to hate.
00:20:46.74\00:20:49.41
But let her just approach her,
00:20:49.44\00:20:51.78
you know, start
with small things
00:20:51.81\00:20:53.15
but if you let the
small things build up
00:20:53.18\00:20:55.68
they get to the bigger things.
00:20:55.72\00:20:57.55
And after a while
where before it sound a cue
00:20:57.59\00:21:00.56
and now its
just keeping me awake
00:21:00.59\00:21:02.09
and now I can't stand
you I going in other room.
00:21:02.12\00:21:04.66
You know, so we want
to start at the beginning
00:21:04.69\00:21:07.93
and just move
forward from there.
00:21:07.96\00:21:09.96
But if we are so far gone
00:21:10.03\00:21:11.70
that we are in the other room
and we are thinking about it,
00:21:11.73\00:21:15.07
is this was it I'm now,
00:21:15.10\00:21:16.44
I'm not in the
only the other room
00:21:16.47\00:21:17.81
I hear through walls
I need to do downstairs.
00:21:17.84\00:21:20.54
We then we need to
00:21:20.58\00:21:22.94
actually
seriously have a date night
00:21:22.98\00:21:25.15
where we are gonna
talk about our problems.
00:21:25.18\00:21:27.75
You come with your list to me
00:21:27.78\00:21:29.12
I'm gonna come
with my list to you
00:21:29.15\00:21:31.02
and then write it down.
00:21:31.05\00:21:32.69
Go out in public,
00:21:32.72\00:21:34.16
you know, to a
public-- nice restaurant
00:21:34.22\00:21:35.86
somewhere she is
always wanted to go
00:21:35.89\00:21:37.33
and try out if
you got to put out
00:21:37.39\00:21:38.76
few more dollars in there,
00:21:38.79\00:21:40.16
the few more
dollars will justify
00:21:40.20\00:21:41.96
and then what, have your own.
00:21:42.00\00:21:44.73
It's worth it.
00:21:44.77\00:21:46.10
It sounds great
00:21:46.13\00:21:47.64
and actually I hope that,
00:21:47.67\00:21:49.10
you know, that the brothers
are listening right now.
00:21:49.14\00:21:51.31
Even though the ladies
are listening right now
00:21:51.34\00:21:52.67
will take us in a heed
some of these advices well
00:21:52.71\00:21:55.28
but what about that
couple who is on a verge?
00:21:55.31\00:21:58.81
I mean, they just
need, really right now
00:21:58.85\00:22:01.08
someone just blows at them
00:22:01.12\00:22:02.65
or if the
husband or the wife says
00:22:02.68\00:22:04.59
one more thing
then they are gone.
00:22:04.62\00:22:06.86
I mean, they are
literally headed up to here
00:22:06.89\00:22:09.92
with all the
noises and all the mess.
00:22:09.96\00:22:11.89
You know, what kind
of advice do we give
00:22:11.93\00:22:13.63
that person as well who
says I'm not to hear right now.
00:22:13.70\00:22:16.63
You know, you are there,
00:22:16.67\00:22:18.00
you know, you
are absolutely right.
00:22:18.03\00:22:19.53
There are some things that
00:22:19.57\00:22:20.90
that can take a
toll on a relationship,
00:22:20.94\00:22:23.20
you know, snoring
could be one of them.
00:22:23.24\00:22:26.44
Awful money management,
problems with the children,
00:22:26.47\00:22:30.65
problems with the step children,
00:22:30.71\00:22:32.68
verbal abuse, physical abuse,
00:22:32.71\00:22:35.32
you know, things that, you know,
00:22:35.35\00:22:36.69
are not going to get better.
00:22:36.75\00:22:38.12
You know, let us face it
it's not going to get better.
00:22:38.15\00:22:41.56
What advice can we give
00:22:41.59\00:22:43.02
to such a couple
or such a person?
00:22:43.06\00:22:45.33
I think as a guy it's
important for me to realize that
00:22:45.36\00:22:48.56
I cannot change
the other person.
00:22:48.60\00:22:52.13
So my very first advice is
00:22:52.17\00:22:53.90
you cannot
change that other person
00:22:53.97\00:22:56.84
and there is some things
00:22:56.87\00:22:58.21
that you may not be
able to change either.
00:22:58.24\00:23:01.41
If this thing is gonna work
then I've got to work on me.
00:23:01.44\00:23:04.15
Yes, I can take you
out to a nice restaurant
00:23:04.18\00:23:06.92
which by the way
this is excellent advice
00:23:06.95\00:23:09.58
but I got to go out with
the intent of changing me
00:23:09.62\00:23:13.59
not pointing at
you and say okay,
00:23:13.66\00:23:16.06
this is what you are doing wrong
00:23:16.09\00:23:17.43
and this is what
you are doing wrong
00:23:17.46\00:23:18.79
and this is why
I'm in a basement
00:23:18.83\00:23:20.80
and this is why I
have to quit our room.
00:23:20.83\00:23:23.23
I think-- But
that's what happens though.
00:23:23.26\00:23:24.77
Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:23:24.80\00:23:26.50
Now enjoy your
meal, honey. Yeah.
00:23:26.53\00:23:29.47
You take this meal.
00:23:29.50\00:23:32.04
And it only gets worse.
00:23:32.07\00:23:33.98
From there I've got
to be the bigger person.
00:23:34.04\00:23:36.91
I know we spoke
early about leadership
00:23:36.95\00:23:39.08
so as the leader
I've got to be the one
00:23:39.11\00:23:42.05
to seek forgiveness
00:23:42.08\00:23:44.59
because remember women
have a larger bonding system
00:23:44.62\00:23:49.36
they don't forget easily
00:23:49.39\00:23:51.39
and they can harbor
those emotional content
00:23:51.43\00:23:54.76
until, you know, they move
from a drift or running stream.
00:23:54.83\00:23:58.10
So I've got to be
the first person to see
00:23:58.13\00:24:00.74
this is what I'm
gonna do to work on me
00:24:00.77\00:24:03.61
and because I'm
committed to the relationship
00:24:03.64\00:24:06.78
I'm not gonna be perfect.
00:24:06.81\00:24:08.38
But here is at
least two or three things
00:24:08.41\00:24:10.48
that I will work on
00:24:10.55\00:24:12.41
and if you see me
faltering I want you to tell me,
00:24:12.45\00:24:16.22
you know, so we've got to
make that important step first.
00:24:16.25\00:24:20.06
Also it's important to realize--
00:24:20.09\00:24:22.46
I'm gonna use an analogy
that is just and analogy.
00:24:22.49\00:24:25.86
You know, it's not a good
idea to fight with a skunk.
00:24:25.89\00:24:29.10
You are gonna
lose, you are gonna lose
00:24:30.87\00:24:33.84
and by that it mean
00:24:33.90\00:24:35.24
if you are
already in a bad situation
00:24:35.27\00:24:37.91
why are you gonna pour gasoline
00:24:37.94\00:24:40.34
on that situation
only make it worse.
00:24:40.38\00:24:43.31
There are some battles
that are not worth fighting.
00:24:43.35\00:24:47.85
There are some things
you just have to let go.
00:24:47.88\00:24:50.95
I look at my parents, you
know, I look at my mom and dad
00:24:50.99\00:24:53.32
and my mom said
to me once, you know,
00:24:53.36\00:24:55.89
sometimes you have
to give up your right
00:24:55.92\00:24:58.89
to make this thing work.
00:24:58.93\00:25:01.40
So not a piece of that advice
is you can't win every battle.
00:25:01.43\00:25:07.27
Don't try to fight with a skunk
you can only make it worse.
00:25:07.34\00:25:10.51
Wow. Okay.
00:25:10.54\00:25:11.87
You know, I
think it's interesting
00:25:11.91\00:25:13.98
the process that I talked
about it was really focusing on
00:25:14.01\00:25:18.98
what can I do to change.
00:25:19.01\00:25:21.25
Absolutely.
00:25:21.28\00:25:23.39
But I was starting
with a premise that
00:25:23.42\00:25:27.26
my wife has a problem with me.
00:25:27.29\00:25:29.66
You made it very interesting.
00:25:29.69\00:25:31.06
If I start with the premise that
00:25:31.09\00:25:32.76
I have a problem with my wife
and still take that approach
00:25:32.79\00:25:37.27
what can I do to
elevate your pains,
00:25:37.33\00:25:40.90
your burdens in this marriage.
00:25:40.94\00:25:42.97
I guarantee you if
you work that process
00:25:43.00\00:25:46.54
well, I guess I
can't give guarantees
00:25:46.57\00:25:47.98
but it's very probable
that if you work that process
00:25:48.01\00:25:51.85
there will be a point
in time where she will say,
00:25:51.88\00:25:55.82
I want to do some
change into for you
00:25:55.85\00:25:57.65
but you start by
focus among yourself
00:25:59.12\00:26:01.12
and what you can do
to make things better.
00:26:01.16\00:26:04.26
You also remember
that we said it in our vows
00:26:04.29\00:26:06.76
forsaking our lovers
that includes yourself.
00:26:06.83\00:26:09.93
So as I said before
somewhere along the line
00:26:09.96\00:26:12.73
you put yourself
in front of your wife,
00:26:12.77\00:26:14.64
you know, when it came
to a lot of these situations
00:26:14.67\00:26:18.27
even if they are just small.
00:26:18.31\00:26:20.78
So we need to find out,
00:26:20.81\00:26:22.14
if you feed something
it's gonna get bigger.
00:26:22.18\00:26:24.61
So that's one of the
things we need to look at
00:26:24.65\00:26:27.22
forsaking all others.
00:26:27.25\00:26:28.58
Am I forsaking myself
for my wife's happiness,
00:26:28.62\00:26:30.39
for happiness in the home?
00:26:30.42\00:26:31.89
Okay. Okay. Very good.
00:26:31.92\00:26:33.29
You know, brother, that
listening to me right now
00:26:33.36\00:26:35.89
it's amazing that
00:26:35.92\00:26:37.96
we serve a God
of another chance.
00:26:37.99\00:26:40.96
God is not a God of
just the second chance
00:26:40.96\00:26:43.33
but He keeps on giving us
00:26:43.37\00:26:44.70
chance after chance after chance
00:26:44.73\00:26:46.94
and I believe that when
you submit yourself to God
00:26:47.00\00:26:49.70
and when the Holy Spirit
00:26:49.74\00:26:51.17
continues to
work on your own heart
00:26:51.21\00:26:53.21
and your own mind
00:26:53.24\00:26:54.58
and you desire to
make things better.
00:26:54.61\00:26:57.21
I believe that God is
able to restore those things
00:26:57.25\00:27:00.45
that are broken,
even our broken marriages.
00:27:00.48\00:27:03.02
When a heart is broken
God is supreme heart fixer.
00:27:03.05\00:27:07.79
I want to challenge
you my brother right now,
00:27:07.82\00:27:09.72
even my sister listening
to me right now as well
00:27:09.76\00:27:11.99
to submit yourself to God,
00:27:12.03\00:27:14.00
to know they have God before you
00:27:14.03\00:27:16.20
can nobody else be against you.
00:27:16.23\00:27:18.03
Your marriage maybe
in the basement right now
00:27:18.07\00:27:21.14
but God has a
way of brining you up
00:27:21.17\00:27:24.11
as you submit to Him no
matter how bad things are,
00:27:24.14\00:27:27.51
no matter how bad
the outlook is, right now
00:27:27.58\00:27:30.85
I challenge you to
fall on your knees right now
00:27:30.88\00:27:33.62
and ask God to bring about
00:27:33.65\00:27:35.12
the healing and
the reconciliation
00:27:35.15\00:27:36.92
that He wants to bring
and I know my God will do it.
00:27:36.99\00:27:40.79
Gentlemen, our
time is up already
00:27:40.86\00:27:43.56
but I believe right now
00:27:43.63\00:27:45.46
that a man and a woman
will be brought back together
00:27:45.49\00:27:48.76
by the love of God.
00:27:48.80\00:27:50.13
It is the love of
God that constrains us.
00:27:50.17\00:27:53.00
Until next time
I'm Pastor William Lee
00:27:53.03\00:27:55.80
and I hope that you
indeed receive a rich blessing
00:27:55.84\00:27:58.11
from today's broadcast.
00:27:58.14\00:27:59.54
May God continue
to richly bless you.
00:27:59.57\00:28:01.51