Welcome to "For Guys Only,"
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a program that deals with topics
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specifically
geared for the urban man.
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I'm Pastor William Lee,
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and I'm so
thankful that you joined us
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for another broadcast today.
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Listen, today our
topic is very interesting.
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It is violence in the family.
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I invite you
right now to join us
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as we go into our broadcast.
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Gentlemen, once again,
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I want to welcome you to
another broadcast on today.
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Listen, today, we
want to kind of get
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right into our discussion.
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It's good to see you, Brandon.
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You've been a blessing
throughout our broadcast
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as well as Colin, we're
grateful for the insight
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that you're bringing,
as well as Muta as well,
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the key issues that
you're pointing out as well.
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Let's kind of deal, you know,
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today with family violence
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as we have a word of
prayer, first and foremost.
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Let's pray.
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Father, God, we thank
You for the protection
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and for the
guidance that You give.
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I pray Father now
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for Your Holy
Spirit to speak to us
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and speak to the
viewer even now is my prayer,
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in Jesus' name, amen.
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Violence in the family.
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This is a
subject that oftentimes
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is not discussed.
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There is a slogan that
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that's been
promulgated so long that says
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what goes on in the
house stays in the house.
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But there are some real issues
that we need to discuss today
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as it relates to
violence in the family.
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Dr. King,
you've kind of given us
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the historical perspective
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as it relates to
some topics in the past.
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Can you just
bring it to us again?
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Right, sure.
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It is a known fact
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that physical
violence against women
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occur more often
than car accidents,
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muggings, and rapes combined.
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Consider this,
annually in this country,
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more than 17,500 women
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are killed by their
husbands or boyfriends.
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Sexual assaults, every year,
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the average is 427 women
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who are sexually
assaulted by 815.
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Wow.
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Pretty staggering information.
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It doesn't only
happen outside of the church.
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It also happens in our church.
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In one of the recent
surveys at one of our churches,
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30% of the women reported
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being abused in
one form or the other.
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Now nationally,
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6 out of every 10 girls
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are sexually abused.
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And 4 out of every 10
boys are sexually abused.
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That's so widespread
the issue of violence
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and abuse is in our church.
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Wow.
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I mean, those
digits are staggering.
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To consider that I mean,
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4 out of 10, 6
out of 10, I mean,
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that's, unbelievable.
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That's why we want
to talk about this today
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because we want to kind
of remove the curtain back
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and to be able
to understand that
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God has certain
parameters for us to operate in.
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I think one of the things
that we see a lot of times
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is that the man in the home,
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you know, because
he's working hard,
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because he's
taking care of his family.
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There are some things
that are just expected of him.
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But then he has
that heavy burden
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that he's carrying.
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And sometimes there is abuse
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that's done by men in the home.
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Sometimes it's
not always physical,
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but it can be verbal.
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Verbal abuse that's
happening right now.
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What's been your
perspective, anyone of you all,
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as relates to the
verbal side of abuse?
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You know, before we go that
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if you'll tolerate me,
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I need to hear one of
your statistics again.
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And I think it was 427...
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Thousand. What was that again?
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Women who are sexually assaulted
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by age 15.
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Okay, so the number is 427,000?
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Mm-hm. Okay.
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And the reason why
I had to go back is
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'cause the first time I
thought I just heard 427,
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this is just a
whole different deal
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and the numbers
of this proportion
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is just staggering.
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And the problem is widespread.
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And it is oftentimes,
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instances of
abuse go unreported,
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either because of a
fear of repercussion
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because typically,
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when instances are reported,
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there is this
threat of retaliation
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and quite often,
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there's a long
process that is involved
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in terms of taking out
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a restraining
order against someone,
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you actually have to
prove that your life is at risk.
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However, before
you get to that point,
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more than likely
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you would have
been verbally abused,
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you would have
been shoved around,
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you would have
been physically abused
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before the person
typically reaches out for help.
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So let's kind of go back then,
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let's go back
to the verbal abuse
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that happens in
our homes, you know,
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what causes so
much of the violence.
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We hear the statistics,
they're happening right now.
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But what are some of the main,
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what's leading up to it that
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they're actually being reported
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and things have been done about?
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You know, verbal abuse
can be very, very subtle,
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and quite often, it
starts in a very subtle way,
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you know, "You're no good,
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you know, you're too
fat, you know, you're ugly,
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you know, you
don't please me anymore,
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you are dumb," and
so on, and so forth.
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And once that gets started,
it takes on a different tone,
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and the intensity
tends to increase over time.
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And then it becomes more pointed
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and then they're not
so subtle threats now
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that are involved
in the abuse, you know,
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"Why did I marry you, you know,
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I wish I didn't,
get out of my house,"
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and it takes it up to a notch.
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And once that
continues, quite often,
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it leads to physical
aggression against women.
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Okay. Okay.
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But I do want to say that men,
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some men are
also abused by women,
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it's not a one-way street.
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This by all means
is a two-way street.
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So we've got kind of, you know,
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discuss the verbal side of it
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and what kind of leads up to it.
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The other thing is that
it happens in the church.
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And let's just be
frank, we've seen instances,
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we've even seen
it or we have heard
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incidents of
abuse in the church.
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And so many times, you know,
in the church, whatever church,
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you know, a lot of people
turn, you know, a death eye,
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you know, "Didn't know,
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I don't want to I
don't want to talk about
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I don't want to deal with it."
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What do we do as
relates to you know, the church?
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You know, should we speak out?
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Should the church have a voice
as relates to abuse in the home
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with his with
children or are with women?
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Well, I'm going
to make some comments
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which could be misconstrued
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or could be
misinterpreted to be frightening
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but are true.
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Our church structure is
set up in such a way that
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it could be a
breeding ground for abuse.
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You know, we have
very strict rules.
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We believe in secrecy.
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You know, we, we
keep it in a church,
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you know, we are God's people,
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we should be the
head, another tail.
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And I know if I have
an office in the church,
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and something bad happens,
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then that office is
going to be taken away from me
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and want to be disciplined.
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So because of
that, I am very careful
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to disguise the
instances of abuse,
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so it's a perfect
breeding ground for abuse.
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Wow. Wow.
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Muta, you know, again,
we look to you sometimes
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because, you know,
you work with children.
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And in an urban
setting, you know,
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you're prone to
come across a child that
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that has been abused
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or you may suspect
that they've been abused.
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What's kind of
been your experience,
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if you've experienced
anything of that sense
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or have you been able to sense
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even that there's been abuse
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in especially
with young children
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in the home with a
Christian or non-Christian?
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Well, yes, with both.
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And I work with ages 14-18
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and you can see the
effects of that abuse.
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A lot of times, I mean,
you can go into any mall
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right now in an urban area,
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and you see some little
three-year-old tagging along
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and maybe she or he's
not walking fast enough
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and mom is, you
know, yelling to come on.
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And the baby may be
tired, maybe sleepy,
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but the mother or the father
will not pick that child up.
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But they're talking
about how slow they are
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and there's some words
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that I wouldn't
even say on the program,
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but that they're
saying to these young people,
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I mean to these kids,
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and this is having an
effect on them as they grow.
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So now they start perpetuating
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some of these things
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that have been
put in their head.
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They start coming alive.
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I mean, I heard a young
lady say about her daughter
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and the young lady
was about 16 years old
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and she said,
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"Oh, my daughter
is fast already."
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Hmm.
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Why would you say
that about your daughter?
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So if you keep
telling your daughter,
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she's fast, and
she's two years old,
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and you tell her
that until she's 10,
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what do you think
she's going to be?
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Or, "My child is not smart.
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He's just not getting it.
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He's just not getting it."
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What do you think
is going to happen?
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That kid is 16 years
old and he fails a test,
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"I'm just not getting it."
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So this happens in
and out of the church.
00:10:22.55\00:10:25.22
And one way to I think,
I believe you asked about
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what can we do as church,
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it's community, the church
is supposed to be a community.
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And if I'm in
community with you,
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I'll feel more comfortable
to come and address an issue
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that I see, a lot of times,
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we lack, some of us
lack that community,
00:10:45.94\00:10:48.94
because we just want to
keep our problems to ourselves,
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we don't want anybody know
what's really going on with us.
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And so now it
puts me in a situation
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where I can't easily get
help or help somebody else.
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Okay. Okay.
00:11:01.92\00:11:03.26
You know, what I
hear is that fundamentally
00:11:03.29\00:11:08.06
there's anger there,
there's some type of anger,
00:11:08.10\00:11:11.33
which eventually
manifests itself in,
00:11:11.37\00:11:14.20
excuse me, in someone's life,
00:11:14.24\00:11:15.80
you know, in a negative display
that's deep seated inside.
00:11:15.84\00:11:22.44
So I think that at some point,
00:11:22.48\00:11:23.85
we got to really
talk about the anger
00:11:23.91\00:11:26.15
that's there and
seek professional help
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to deal with
some of those things.
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Yes, my dad, he was
good for good sayings.
00:11:31.19\00:11:35.39
And one that he
laid on us pretty young
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and it stuck with
me to this day is,
00:11:39.36\00:11:42.13
"Cursing or verbal
abuse is a weak mind's
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way of
expressing itself strongly."
00:11:46.07\00:11:49.67
And what young boy wants
to be classified as weak.
00:11:49.70\00:11:54.48
So there was
choice words in there
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that stick with me to
this day because even today,
00:11:57.21\00:12:00.65
I don't want to be weak.
00:12:00.72\00:12:02.85
So when I feel myself
getting to some place,
00:12:02.88\00:12:06.15
where if I cross this line,
00:12:06.19\00:12:08.26
it's simply a weak
man trying to be strong.
00:12:08.29\00:12:12.83
Just that kind
of pushes me back.
00:12:12.86\00:12:15.30
I mean, I know
it's the Holy Ghost,
00:12:15.33\00:12:17.13
Holy Ghost
bringing back to my mind,
00:12:17.17\00:12:19.57
those things that He
taught me through my father,
00:12:19.60\00:12:22.40
but I just wanted to
throw that out and hopefully,
00:12:22.44\00:12:24.64
it'll help somebody
when they reach that edge
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to maybe reflect and
decide to take a better path.
00:12:27.18\00:12:30.21
Okay. Yeah.
00:12:30.25\00:12:31.58
You had mentioned
about the hurt that's there.
00:12:31.61\00:12:36.38
One of my favorite pastors said,
00:12:36.42\00:12:40.56
the times where our
children make us mad the most
00:12:40.62\00:12:44.59
is when they're
behaving just like us.
00:12:44.63\00:12:48.10
So a lot of times,
00:12:48.13\00:12:49.80
the weakness that
we're seeing in our child,
00:12:49.83\00:12:52.60
the inability to
accomplish certain things
00:12:52.63\00:12:55.64
that we're seeing in our child,
00:12:55.67\00:12:57.44
when we're yelling at them
or we're seeing these things,
00:12:57.47\00:13:00.68
we're actually saying
those things to ourselves.
00:13:00.71\00:13:03.11
Absolutely. You
know, words are powerful.
00:13:03.14\00:13:07.05
There's a saying
that says, you know,
00:13:07.12\00:13:08.62
"Sticks and stones
may break my bones,
00:13:08.65\00:13:10.62
but words will never hurt me."
00:13:10.69\00:13:13.36
That's the biggest lie
as far as ever been told.
00:13:13.39\00:13:16.96
You know, words hurt,
00:13:17.03\00:13:18.36
I tell people
sometimes I rather be,
00:13:18.39\00:13:19.83
you know, beat upside to
head, you know, with a bat,
00:13:19.86\00:13:22.23
knock my legs out like I'll fall
00:13:22.26\00:13:23.73
and then eventually I'll heal,
00:13:23.77\00:13:25.17
you know, from that
pain, but, you know,
00:13:25.20\00:13:26.94
words that we say
sometimes those things carry,
00:13:27.00\00:13:30.07
you know, for years and years
and years, and we struggle,
00:13:30.11\00:13:34.64
men struggle with words
00:13:34.68\00:13:36.48
that have been used against them
00:13:36.51\00:13:38.45
or that they have
used against someone else,
00:13:38.48\00:13:40.68
sometimes to control
the other person as well.
00:13:40.72\00:13:44.92
You know, there's
also this whole issue
00:13:44.95\00:13:46.82
of the type of music
00:13:46.86\00:13:49.32
that is available today
that sort of gives license
00:13:49.36\00:13:53.26
to guys to beat up on women,
00:13:53.29\00:13:56.70
the lyrics, the suggestions,
the devaluing of women,
00:13:56.73\00:14:01.77
the sexualizing of women,
00:14:01.80\00:14:04.67
and, you know, some of the songs
00:14:04.71\00:14:06.68
they're so inappropriate,
00:14:06.71\00:14:08.98
you can't even repeat
the words on this show.
00:14:09.01\00:14:11.71
And those are some of the songs
00:14:11.75\00:14:13.15
that the young boys are
listening to constantly.
00:14:13.18\00:14:16.82
And so it is not surprising
that in a fit of rage,
00:14:16.89\00:14:20.39
they tend to act out.
00:14:20.46\00:14:22.86
That's powerful right
there, the music that people
00:14:22.89\00:14:25.53
are listening
to and all the rest
00:14:25.56\00:14:27.30
that that we're
seeing today as well.
00:14:27.30\00:14:29.90
What about, you know,
that the man that has...
00:14:29.93\00:14:34.54
You know I'll say it this
way, I already know the answer,
00:14:34.57\00:14:37.01
but just for
discussion purposes,
00:14:37.07\00:14:38.54
let's just say it this way.
00:14:38.57\00:14:39.91
Is it ever justified for a man
00:14:39.94\00:14:45.38
to put his hands on a woman?
00:14:45.41\00:14:47.58
Is there a time to
justify, you know...
00:14:47.62\00:14:52.62
Guess I'll just
throw it out right there,
00:14:52.65\00:14:54.02
you know, I don't
want to go too far away.
00:14:54.06\00:14:55.39
Is there a time?
00:14:55.42\00:14:56.79
Men come up with reasons
00:14:56.83\00:14:58.96
why they think
it is justifiable.
00:14:58.99\00:15:01.70
You know, "She made me do this
00:15:01.73\00:15:04.17
or she made me mad or
she stepped over the line."
00:15:04.20\00:15:08.80
And one of the reasons why,
00:15:08.84\00:15:12.01
as men, we have to say that is
00:15:12.04\00:15:13.58
because we
cannot look at ourselves
00:15:13.61\00:15:16.95
and accept the fact
00:15:16.98\00:15:19.58
that we are
committing acts of violence.
00:15:19.61\00:15:22.75
And so because we
cannot come to grips with that,
00:15:22.78\00:15:25.49
we've got to find an excuse,
we've got to find a scapegoat.
00:15:25.52\00:15:29.62
And that act is
terrible, therefore,
00:15:29.66\00:15:32.43
it's not me who's doing that,
00:15:32.46\00:15:34.46
it's this person who
is making me do that.
00:15:34.46\00:15:37.03
But to answer your question,
00:15:37.07\00:15:38.40
there is absolutely no excuse
00:15:38.43\00:15:41.14
to put our hands on any woman
00:15:41.17\00:15:44.67
or any girl, on any child even.
00:15:44.71\00:15:48.84
Even if they were,
I mean all in my face,
00:15:48.88\00:15:53.48
you know, you know,
pushing me and saying,
00:15:53.52\00:15:56.52
"You're no good.
00:15:56.55\00:15:57.89
You know, you're just
like, you know, someone else."
00:15:57.92\00:16:01.22
And, you know,
this really happens
00:16:01.26\00:16:04.06
especially in
the urban community
00:16:04.09\00:16:05.43
that behind closed doors,
00:16:05.46\00:16:07.13
I mean, there are fisticuffs
that are there going on.
00:16:07.13\00:16:11.40
I think there might be
some very rare exceptions.
00:16:11.43\00:16:17.61
And that, you know,
you probably will agree.
00:16:17.64\00:16:22.11
Well, let's get into it.
00:16:22.14\00:16:23.58
Yeah, I think you
will agree in these cases
00:16:23.65\00:16:26.28
because I think I
understand the context
00:16:26.31\00:16:27.95
with which you gave your answer.
00:16:27.98\00:16:29.48
If you see a woman
00:16:29.52\00:16:31.99
and she is in the act of
physically abusing a child,
00:16:32.02\00:16:36.83
and you intervene, you restrain,
00:16:36.86\00:16:40.73
you don't hit her or anything,
00:16:40.80\00:16:42.10
but you try to
try to hold her back
00:16:42.13\00:16:44.13
from the child,
00:16:44.17\00:16:45.50
you're putting your
hands on her in a forceful way.
00:16:45.53\00:16:49.97
But you are trying to
achieve some higher good
00:16:50.01\00:16:53.84
and I'm not going to turn
this into justifying means.
00:16:53.88\00:16:57.21
But I think sometimes
00:16:57.25\00:16:58.58
we find ourselves in
situations like where you say,
00:16:58.61\00:17:01.32
the girl or the
woman's coming at you
00:17:01.35\00:17:03.45
with a knife and your
back is against the wall,
00:17:03.52\00:17:05.35
you need to do you need
to try to find that hard
00:17:05.39\00:17:07.52
and restrain, but if there's...
00:17:07.59\00:17:12.43
Even in those situations,
if there is a way of escape,
00:17:12.46\00:17:15.43
it's better to escape
than to even try to restrain
00:17:15.46\00:17:18.67
in those situations.
00:17:18.70\00:17:20.04
So I think there's
some rare situations.
00:17:20.07\00:17:21.87
And the other
point I want to clarify
00:17:21.90\00:17:23.51
is when we say a
child, I'm assuming
00:17:23.54\00:17:27.48
that's out of the
context of punishing a child
00:17:27.51\00:17:30.45
for wrong behavior.
00:17:30.48\00:17:31.81
Sure. Your child, yes.
00:17:31.85\00:17:35.35
And the Bible is
clear that, you know...
00:17:35.38\00:17:37.32
Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:17:37.39\00:17:38.99
So there's definitely a
guy gives us those parameters
00:17:39.02\00:17:41.66
where we're able to discipline
our children for sure.
00:17:41.69\00:17:45.16
Absolutely. Can
you agree with me on...
00:17:45.19\00:17:47.60
You know what, you are on that.
00:17:47.60\00:17:48.93
You are absolutely right.
00:17:48.96\00:17:50.63
There is a difference
between defensive action
00:17:50.67\00:17:55.67
and aggressive action.
00:17:55.70\00:17:57.57
So if a woman is
coming at you with a knife
00:17:57.61\00:18:01.18
or with an object or at a child,
00:18:01.21\00:18:03.68
then you are justified
in taking defensive action.
00:18:03.71\00:18:07.58
I don't mean pummel
the person or hitting them
00:18:07.65\00:18:11.05
but certainly
taking defensive action
00:18:11.09\00:18:13.25
and getting out of the way.
00:18:13.29\00:18:15.16
Quite often, men are
ashamed to report abuse by women
00:18:15.19\00:18:20.36
because then who
will believe you?
00:18:20.43\00:18:22.06
Right. Right. So that was...
00:18:22.10\00:18:24.17
Well, there's eagle too
because I did read that article
00:18:24.20\00:18:27.64
about that where it said,
00:18:27.67\00:18:29.14
you know, we think that
this issue is a lot larger
00:18:29.17\00:18:34.38
in terms of men being abused,
00:18:34.41\00:18:36.34
but the fact is is
because of their ego,
00:18:36.38\00:18:38.78
they don't make the report.
00:18:38.81\00:18:40.15
Absolutely.
00:18:40.22\00:18:41.78
So I mean, that's important
for us to understand, you know,
00:18:41.82\00:18:44.99
as men that sometimes the
woman does beat the man up,
00:18:45.02\00:18:49.22
you know, and the man
must seek proper help as well.
00:18:49.26\00:18:53.26
Let's kind of talk
about prevention a little bit,
00:18:53.29\00:18:55.80
there has to be some steps
that a man can take specific
00:18:55.83\00:18:59.73
as this program is
dealing with for guys only,
00:18:59.77\00:19:03.30
speaking to the
needs of the urban man.
00:19:03.34\00:19:05.84
What are some of the steps
00:19:05.87\00:19:07.21
that men can take
to prevent them from,
00:19:07.24\00:19:10.71
so to speak,
crossing the line that
00:19:10.78\00:19:13.15
they don't go to a place
00:19:13.18\00:19:14.65
where they're going to
regret in the very near future?
00:19:14.68\00:19:16.92
What are the ways? Rule
number one, know yourself.
00:19:16.95\00:19:20.62
Understand your temperament.
00:19:20.69\00:19:23.16
Understand what
pushes your button.
00:19:23.19\00:19:26.33
You know, we must be
honest with ourselves
00:19:26.36\00:19:29.06
and each of us have
different boiling points.
00:19:29.10\00:19:32.40
So I need to know
what pushes my button.
00:19:32.43\00:19:36.37
And when I know that,
00:19:36.40\00:19:37.97
then I need to make a
conscious decision every time
00:19:38.01\00:19:41.64
I feel myself getting there
00:19:41.68\00:19:43.88
to take what I
call some self-timeout.
00:19:43.95\00:19:48.22
Does the man tell for instance,
00:19:48.25\00:19:52.65
if their wife, you know,
00:19:52.69\00:19:55.39
is coming down an avenue
00:19:55.42\00:19:57.26
where you know is going
to push my button, you know?
00:19:57.33\00:20:00.60
Do you stop, you know,
'cause you recognized yourself.
00:20:00.63\00:20:02.83
Do you stop until
you know your wife that,
00:20:02.86\00:20:05.13
"Hey, you're
coming down an avenue
00:20:05.17\00:20:08.64
that I can't handle right now
00:20:08.67\00:20:10.77
and I just need
for you to stop,"
00:20:10.81\00:20:12.71
you know, do we do that?
00:20:12.74\00:20:14.31
I think, yes.
00:20:14.34\00:20:15.68
I think, you know,
00:20:15.71\00:20:17.41
what I call the
rules of engagement.
00:20:17.45\00:20:20.28
And I have had to do
that with my own relationship.
00:20:20.32\00:20:24.09
I've never seen
my dad hit my mother.
00:20:24.15\00:20:27.22
And just based on that,
00:20:27.26\00:20:29.56
I've made a conscious
decision to never hit a woman.
00:20:29.59\00:20:33.66
It doesn't mean
that I don't get angry.
00:20:33.70\00:20:35.90
It doesn't mean
that I don't get mad
00:20:35.93\00:20:37.53
and crazy and feel like.
00:20:37.57\00:20:39.87
But we have what I call
the rules of engagement.
00:20:39.90\00:20:43.64
Once I feel us get
into a certain point,
00:20:43.67\00:20:47.31
I say, "You know what,
00:20:47.34\00:20:48.78
I can't deal
with this right now.
00:20:48.81\00:20:50.61
I need to take a
self-timeout for me."
00:20:50.68\00:20:54.28
And we need to be
aware of that point.
00:20:54.32\00:20:56.42
Wherever that point is,
each of us needs to know
00:20:56.45\00:21:00.16
when it's time to walk
away and take a self timeout.
00:21:00.19\00:21:03.16
Okay. So it's okay to walk away?
00:21:03.19\00:21:05.06
Absolutely. It's
needed to walk away.
00:21:05.09\00:21:06.83
It's necessary.
00:21:06.90\00:21:08.20
If you have to, you have to run.
00:21:08.23\00:21:09.56
Absolutely. Every now and then.
00:21:09.60\00:21:10.93
It's necessary. Okay.
00:21:10.97\00:21:12.30
It's also good to, you know,
00:21:12.33\00:21:14.30
I think you get
started on that path
00:21:14.34\00:21:16.10
to let your spouse know
00:21:16.14\00:21:20.34
what behaviors
are setting you off.
00:21:20.38\00:21:22.71
Now you got to
pick your timing too
00:21:22.74\00:21:26.25
because sometimes
it's just the wrong time.
00:21:26.28\00:21:28.72
You test the waters
and you find out that
00:21:28.75\00:21:30.75
they're getting
hot, so you back off.
00:21:30.79\00:21:33.62
But what I want to protect
against is you feeling like,
00:21:33.66\00:21:36.93
"Well, I guess I
shouldn't do that
00:21:36.99\00:21:38.79
because, you know,
when I did it the last time,
00:21:38.83\00:21:41.73
the waters got hotter"
because what happens is,
00:21:41.76\00:21:44.23
then you lose the
ability to join your wife
00:21:44.27\00:21:47.67
or invite her
into being a partner
00:21:47.70\00:21:50.27
in helping to
bring to maintain peace.
00:21:50.34\00:21:54.04
So it's okay
00:21:54.11\00:21:55.44
in the best non-offensive
way to try and let her know that
00:21:55.48\00:22:01.45
there are some things
00:22:01.48\00:22:02.82
because you may have
not because you ask not.
00:22:02.85\00:22:05.75
You may need to say, you
know, this is a problem for me.
00:22:05.79\00:22:09.09
If you see it's
going in the wrong way,
00:22:09.12\00:22:11.36
then you still
reserve the right to retreat.
00:22:11.39\00:22:13.16
Okay. Okay.
00:22:13.19\00:22:14.50
And here's some common
sense advice, suggestion.
00:22:14.56\00:22:18.77
I'm giving it to
you for free. Come on.
00:22:18.80\00:22:20.40
That's what we want.
00:22:20.44\00:22:21.84
We want common sense,
things that makes sense.
00:22:21.87\00:22:25.47
When you're hurt
and when you're angry,
00:22:25.51\00:22:27.94
do not make major decisions.
00:22:27.98\00:22:31.51
It's a bad time. Okay.
00:22:31.55\00:22:32.88
Say it again. Okay.
00:22:32.91\00:22:34.28
When you're hurt or
when you're angry guy
00:22:34.32\00:22:36.08
do not make major decisions.
00:22:36.12\00:22:39.75
In other words,
00:22:39.79\00:22:41.16
I'm not going to
give you the car keys
00:22:41.19\00:22:43.29
or I'm not going
to do this anymore.
00:22:43.32\00:22:45.29
I'm not going
to do that anymore.
00:22:45.33\00:22:46.90
Do not make major decisions.
00:22:46.96\00:22:50.80
It is not a practical advice.
00:22:50.83\00:22:53.50
Do not fight with a skunk.
00:22:53.57\00:22:57.57
Okay.
00:22:57.61\00:22:58.94
You know what a skunk is right?
00:22:58.97\00:23:00.38
And, you know,
00:23:00.41\00:23:01.74
if you attempt to
fight with the skunk,
00:23:01.78\00:23:03.35
you're going to lose
because even if you win,
00:23:03.38\00:23:06.55
you're going to
end up smelling bad.
00:23:06.58\00:23:09.75
What I mean by
that is certain issues
00:23:09.78\00:23:13.02
are not worth fighting over.
00:23:13.05\00:23:16.66
Leave them alone
00:23:16.73\00:23:18.96
because you may
think you have won,
00:23:18.99\00:23:22.16
but in the long
run, you want to lose.
00:23:22.20\00:23:25.60
So do not fight with a skunk.
00:23:25.63\00:23:28.94
Leave it alone. Okay.
00:23:28.97\00:23:30.31
I like that.
00:23:30.37\00:23:32.91
I just want to
answer that. Sure.
00:23:32.94\00:23:35.34
Some people, some adversaries
are skunks and some are pigs.
00:23:35.38\00:23:40.78
When you wrestle
with a pig, right,
00:23:40.82\00:23:44.25
you just get mud all over
you and the pig enjoys the mud.
00:23:44.29\00:23:48.19
Same concept.
00:23:48.22\00:23:49.56
Some people
actually enjoy conflict.
00:23:49.59\00:23:52.83
And they actually kind
of try to push your buttons
00:23:52.86\00:23:55.90
and you got to know when
you're dealing with that,
00:23:55.93\00:23:57.70
you're dealing with a pig.
00:23:57.73\00:24:01.67
Don't wrestle with a pig in mud.
00:24:01.70\00:24:03.04
Leave it alone.
Just leave it alone.
00:24:03.07\00:24:04.47
No skunks, no
pigs, leave it alone.
00:24:04.51\00:24:08.54
Okay. Okay.
00:24:08.58\00:24:10.25
What other
preventative measures,
00:24:10.28\00:24:11.98
we get this concept of pigs.
00:24:12.01\00:24:14.15
What other preventative measures
00:24:14.22\00:24:16.38
can we take as well
as, especially as men,
00:24:16.42\00:24:20.26
I know enough, even for myself,
00:24:20.29\00:24:21.92
you know, maybe
just going for a jog
00:24:21.96\00:24:23.56
or something or going for a walk
00:24:23.63\00:24:25.26
or getting my
car taking, you know,
00:24:25.29\00:24:27.73
time for me to
just blow off steam,
00:24:27.76\00:24:29.80
you know, by myself sometimes.
00:24:29.83\00:24:31.73
What else can we do as well?
00:24:31.77\00:24:33.80
You know, I think it's important
00:24:33.84\00:24:36.14
to take an
inventory of the things
00:24:36.17\00:24:38.41
that that make you mad,
and I'm not saying to walk away
00:24:38.44\00:24:43.11
and never address them,
00:24:43.14\00:24:45.01
but wait for
the appropriate time
00:24:45.05\00:24:47.22
to address those things.
00:24:47.28\00:24:48.72
And a lot of
times, 24 hours later,
00:24:48.75\00:24:51.69
the things that you
thought were important,
00:24:51.72\00:24:54.22
they're no longer are important.
00:24:54.26\00:24:55.89
You know you're fighting
over the color of the curtain
00:24:55.92\00:24:59.76
or the style of the
chair or something that
00:24:59.79\00:25:03.23
after few hours
become immaterial.
00:25:03.26\00:25:06.63
So I'm saying take stock of
it, allow some time to go by,
00:25:06.67\00:25:11.87
and then revisit the issue.
00:25:11.91\00:25:14.54
And a lot of times,
the issue don't seem to be
00:25:14.58\00:25:16.95
as important as
you thought it was.
00:25:16.98\00:25:20.85
Okay. Okay.
00:25:20.92\00:25:22.25
And I would say
turn things over to God,
00:25:22.28\00:25:23.89
did you see
turning things over to God?
00:25:23.92\00:25:26.49
I think a lot of times,
the reason why you get drawn
00:25:26.52\00:25:29.69
into a battle is
00:25:29.72\00:25:31.06
because you see a
situation developing in a way
00:25:31.09\00:25:34.20
that you don't
want to be tolerant of.
00:25:34.20\00:25:37.23
And as you try to approach it,
00:25:37.27\00:25:38.60
you realize you're not
getting anywhere with it,
00:25:38.63\00:25:40.84
but you don't
want to lose that thing
00:25:40.90\00:25:42.27
because it might be
00:25:42.30\00:25:43.67
one of those
lines that you've drawn.
00:25:43.71\00:25:45.04
And you said, "I
have to make this change."
00:25:45.07\00:25:47.58
Dr. King said it well.
00:25:47.61\00:25:48.94
You may not have
to make it right now.
00:25:48.98\00:25:51.01
But if you get used
00:25:51.05\00:25:53.38
to taking God
up on His promises,
00:25:53.42\00:25:55.62
handing it over to Him and say,
00:25:55.65\00:25:56.99
"You know what, right
now, God where it is right now,
00:25:57.05\00:25:59.62
I'm not going
to get what I want.
00:25:59.65\00:26:01.06
And I believe I need it.
00:26:01.09\00:26:02.42
I believe it's right.
00:26:02.46\00:26:04.06
And I believe
that You would have us
00:26:04.09\00:26:05.43
to do the right thing.
00:26:05.46\00:26:06.93
So guess what,
for the sake of peace,
00:26:06.96\00:26:09.76
I'm going to
just give it to You.
00:26:09.80\00:26:11.90
And I'm going to trust that
00:26:11.93\00:26:13.27
You will not let us
lose the right situation,
00:26:13.34\00:26:17.01
lose the right outcome."
00:26:17.04\00:26:18.44
Leave it alone.
00:26:18.47\00:26:19.81
And I have learned that
doing that more often than not,
00:26:19.84\00:26:23.01
first of all, it immediately
00:26:23.04\00:26:24.38
puts the
situation under control and,
00:26:24.41\00:26:26.51
more often than not,
the Holy Ghost goes to work.
00:26:26.55\00:26:29.52
He says, "Okay,
that has retreated.
00:26:29.55\00:26:30.99
Now I can go to work."
00:26:31.02\00:26:32.55
And my wife will bring me
the situation back and say,
00:26:32.59\00:26:35.49
"Let's work this thing out."
00:26:35.52\00:26:37.63
Okay.
00:26:37.66\00:26:38.99
That's critical
'cause I think sometimes
00:26:39.03\00:26:40.70
that we try to win an argument,
but we may lose the person
00:26:40.73\00:26:44.67
whom we're arguing with,
especially if it's a spouse.
00:26:44.70\00:26:46.47
Yes, you can win the battle,
but you can lose the war.
00:26:46.50\00:26:48.64
Absolutely. That's critical.
00:26:48.67\00:26:50.21
That's...
00:26:50.27\00:26:51.61
I want to deal with, you
know, what the Bible says
00:26:51.64\00:26:53.21
in the last
minute that we have left.
00:26:53.24\00:26:55.14
And the Bible
says in Ephesians 4:26,
00:26:55.18\00:27:00.05
the Bible says, "Be
ye angry, and sin not,
00:27:00.08\00:27:03.52
let not the sun go
down upon your wrath.
00:27:03.55\00:27:07.12
Neither give place to the devil.
00:27:07.19\00:27:09.92
Let him that
stole steal no more,
00:27:09.96\00:27:11.89
but rather let him labor,
00:27:11.93\00:27:13.26
working with his hands
the things which are good,
00:27:13.29\00:27:15.40
that he may have him
to give to him that need.
00:27:15.43\00:27:18.30
Let no corrupt communication
proceed out of your mouth,
00:27:18.33\00:27:22.54
but that which is
good to the use of edify,
00:27:22.57\00:27:25.04
that it may minister
grace unto the hearers.
00:27:25.07\00:27:27.78
And grieve not the Holy Spirit
of God whereby ye are sealed
00:27:27.81\00:27:32.08
unto the day of redemption."
00:27:32.11\00:27:34.42
Paul says, "Let all bitterness,
wrath, anger, clamor,
00:27:34.45\00:27:38.55
evil speaking be
put away for you,
00:27:38.59\00:27:40.36
with all malice, and
be ye kind one to another,
00:27:40.39\00:27:44.99
tenderhearted,
forgiving one another,
00:27:45.03\00:27:47.60
even as God for
Christ's sake has forgiven you."
00:27:47.66\00:27:52.43
Because God has forgiven us,
00:27:52.47\00:27:54.77
my friends, we need to
forgive one another as well.
00:27:54.80\00:27:58.91
God can by all
means change our hearts
00:27:58.94\00:28:01.54
and our minds if
we allow Him to do so.
00:28:01.58\00:28:04.81
This has been another
broadcast For Guys Only.
00:28:04.85\00:28:07.35
And I pray that
00:28:07.38\00:28:08.72
you are richly blessed on today.
00:28:08.75\00:28:10.62
Until next time, my friends,
may God richly bless you
00:28:10.65\00:28:12.89
and keep you in
His loving grace.
00:28:12.92\00:28:14.29