Welcome to "For Guys Only,"
00:00:01.33\00:00:02.66
a program that deals with topics
00:00:02.70\00:00:04.13
specifically
geared to the urban man.
00:00:04.17\00:00:06.90
I'm Pastor William Lee,
00:00:06.94\00:00:08.27
and I'm excited
00:00:08.30\00:00:09.64
that you're here
with us on today.
00:00:09.67\00:00:11.01
Our topic today is
parenting urban children.
00:00:11.04\00:00:14.41
Stay tuned as we go
right into our broadcasts.
00:00:14.44\00:00:17.15
Greetings,
gentlemen, once again.
00:00:32.99\00:00:34.56
It is good to see
each one of you all
00:00:34.60\00:00:36.80
for another broadcast on today.
00:00:36.83\00:00:39.63
As we get started,
as been our custom,
00:00:39.67\00:00:41.54
just want to begin
with a word of prayer.
00:00:41.57\00:00:43.34
So let's seek the Lord even now.
00:00:43.37\00:00:45.57
Gracious Father in heaven,
00:00:45.61\00:00:46.94
we are thankful that
we're able to sit down
00:00:47.01\00:00:49.38
and discuss
topics that are pertinent
00:00:49.41\00:00:52.01
to our current situations.
00:00:52.05\00:00:54.15
And, God, I pray that
You would give us insight
00:00:54.18\00:00:55.92
and bless the viewer even now
00:00:55.95\00:00:57.55
as my prayer in
Jesus' name, amen.
00:00:57.59\00:00:59.45
Amen. Amen. Amen.
00:00:59.49\00:01:01.36
All right, just
want to take a moment
00:01:01.39\00:01:02.99
as we've done in the past,
00:01:03.02\00:01:04.36
just kind of introduce
ourselves to our audience,
00:01:04.39\00:01:07.10
say, those who are viewing us
00:01:07.13\00:01:08.70
and just kind of want to
start today with Brandon.
00:01:08.73\00:01:11.90
My name is Brandon Dent.
00:01:11.93\00:01:13.70
I am a retired auto
executive, 27 years,
00:01:13.74\00:01:17.21
and now running my
own marketing company.
00:01:17.27\00:01:20.94
I've been married, 27 years.
I've raised two grown sons.
00:01:20.98\00:01:24.71
They're doing fine.
00:01:24.75\00:01:26.08
And I have a
13-year-old daughter,
00:01:26.11\00:01:28.12
14 now, at home, get that right.
00:01:28.15\00:01:31.72
She'll be on me
if I get it wrong.
00:01:31.75\00:01:33.92
All right. Very good.
00:01:33.96\00:01:35.29
Thank you, Brandon.
My name is Colin King.
00:01:35.32\00:01:37.19
I'm a clinical psychologist.
00:01:37.23\00:01:39.83
I have two teenagers.
00:01:39.86\00:01:42.00
So I know about their challenges
00:01:42.03\00:01:44.57
of their teenage years,
00:01:44.60\00:01:46.77
and married
00:01:46.80\00:01:48.14
and have been married
for the last 21 years.
00:01:48.17\00:01:51.47
I've been fairly
active in the church
00:01:51.51\00:01:53.41
and outside the church.
00:01:53.44\00:01:55.24
And I'm happy
for being here today.
00:01:55.28\00:01:57.38
All right, thank you. Yes.
00:01:57.41\00:01:59.31
My name is Muta Mwenya.
00:01:59.35\00:02:00.82
I'm with Elijah 3 Ministries,
00:02:00.85\00:02:02.75
a urban youth
evangelism ministry
00:02:02.78\00:02:04.69
out of Benton Harbor, Michigan.
00:02:04.72\00:02:06.49
And I'm married, seven years.
00:02:06.52\00:02:08.82
I've got two children, two boys.
00:02:08.86\00:02:10.93
Okay. Very good.
00:02:10.96\00:02:12.29
I'm Pastor Lee, again
00:02:12.33\00:02:13.70
and pastor
00:02:13.73\00:02:15.06
at the Capitol City
Seventh-day Adventist Church
00:02:15.10\00:02:16.73
in Indianapolis, Indiana,
00:02:16.77\00:02:18.50
part of the Lake
Region Conference
00:02:18.53\00:02:20.04
and Seventh-day Adventist,
00:02:20.10\00:02:21.44
married seven years
and two small children.
00:02:21.47\00:02:24.44
So as we talk today
about raising children,
00:02:24.47\00:02:27.28
have a one-year-old
and a five-year-old,
00:02:27.34\00:02:28.78
I know yours a little as well.
00:02:28.81\00:02:30.51
We're gonna look to
some experience today,
00:02:30.55\00:02:33.15
those who have
gone through this avenue
00:02:33.18\00:02:36.65
of raising children.
00:02:36.69\00:02:38.79
You know, the Bible has
something very interesting
00:02:38.82\00:02:40.26
to say about raising children
in the Book of Proverbs,
00:02:40.32\00:02:43.99
Proverbs 22:6, the Bible says,
this is very well known text,
00:02:44.03\00:02:50.00
says, "Train up a child
in the way he should go:
00:02:50.03\00:02:53.67
and when he is old,
00:02:53.70\00:02:55.04
he will not depart from it."
00:02:55.07\00:02:57.97
It almost seems a
promise from the Word of God,
00:02:58.01\00:03:00.71
that if we would train them
up in the way they should go,
00:03:00.78\00:03:02.88
and when they're old
they will not depart from it.
00:03:02.91\00:03:06.25
We recognize gentlemen
00:03:06.28\00:03:07.62
that there are
some major challenges
00:03:07.65\00:03:09.38
in our world today.
00:03:09.42\00:03:10.79
We had a previous broadcast
00:03:10.82\00:03:12.22
where we discuss
the divorce epidemic
00:03:12.25\00:03:14.89
that we're seeing
in our world today.
00:03:14.92\00:03:16.73
And we really didn't touch,
00:03:16.76\00:03:18.23
you know, on how
divorce affects children,
00:03:18.26\00:03:22.10
especially small children.
00:03:22.13\00:03:24.07
So we want to, kind of,
00:03:24.13\00:03:25.47
you know, hit on that,
you know, for a little bit.
00:03:25.50\00:03:27.80
We also want to discuss
just, you know, as a black man,
00:03:27.84\00:03:32.17
trying to raise Godly children,
00:03:32.21\00:03:35.38
you know, what can we do
00:03:35.41\00:03:36.75
to steer them in the right way
00:03:36.81\00:03:38.85
in the last days
00:03:38.88\00:03:40.22
that we're
living here right now.
00:03:40.28\00:03:41.62
So let's kind
of just pick it up.
00:03:41.65\00:03:42.98
Let's get some
historical backgrounds,
00:03:43.02\00:03:44.35
get some discussion
00:03:44.39\00:03:45.95
to what effect does
divorce have upon children?
00:03:45.99\00:03:49.99
Sure.
00:03:50.03\00:03:51.36
You know, unfortunately,
babies don't come with manuals.
00:03:51.39\00:03:55.70
You know, so we
have to figure it out
00:03:55.73\00:03:57.83
and hope that we
make the right decisions.
00:03:57.87\00:04:01.94
Specifically, divorce,
00:04:01.97\00:04:04.31
most divorce have a
sort of a negative impact
00:04:04.34\00:04:08.41
on children and
then child rearing.
00:04:08.44\00:04:10.65
You know, they see both parents
living in separate worlds.
00:04:10.68\00:04:14.58
Sometimes they tend to blame
themselves for the separation.
00:04:14.62\00:04:19.29
Maybe it was
because of what I said,
00:04:19.32\00:04:21.52
maybe it was because
00:04:21.56\00:04:24.06
mom or dad had to
spend so much time or money
00:04:24.13\00:04:26.70
or effort taking care of
me, maybe I am responsible.
00:04:26.73\00:04:31.07
So the impact is
usually negative.
00:04:31.10\00:04:33.23
What do you think, Brandon?
00:04:33.30\00:04:35.34
Yeah, it is negative.
00:04:35.37\00:04:38.21
Because children
are almost idealistic
00:04:38.24\00:04:42.04
in their
understanding of mom and dad,
00:04:42.08\00:04:47.58
and that relationship.
00:04:47.62\00:04:49.12
They think it
should be fairy tale,
00:04:49.15\00:04:51.62
that it should be
love, forevermore.
00:04:51.65\00:04:54.02
And, you know, they
haven't actually been around
00:04:54.06\00:04:56.99
long enough to kind of,
00:04:57.03\00:04:59.89
being tainted if you will
00:04:59.96\00:05:01.63
by the reality
of the institution,
00:05:01.66\00:05:04.60
unfortunately.
00:05:04.63\00:05:06.94
And so it really, it
just blows away everything.
00:05:06.97\00:05:11.81
So it's life as they know it.
00:05:11.84\00:05:14.08
So for them, it's like
their life is coming to an end.
00:05:14.11\00:05:18.08
And they can imagine moving
on in this sort of divided,
00:05:18.11\00:05:22.95
sort of, divorced
parent's situation.
00:05:22.98\00:05:25.32
So it creates a
lot of emotional trauma
00:05:25.35\00:05:28.82
for the child and anxiety.
00:05:28.86\00:05:31.76
All right, good.
00:05:31.79\00:05:33.13
You know, one
of the things that,
00:05:33.16\00:05:35.06
you know, comes to my
mind, and I almost chuckle that,
00:05:35.10\00:05:37.70
you know, as I was growing up,
00:05:37.73\00:05:39.10
I can remember,
you know, parents,
00:05:39.13\00:05:42.80
you know, trying
to steer their child
00:05:42.84\00:05:44.31
in the right direction.
00:05:44.34\00:05:45.67
But then when mom and
dad went the wrong way,
00:05:45.71\00:05:48.38
it was almost like clockwork,
00:05:48.41\00:05:50.11
where I could see
these young children saying,
00:05:50.15\00:05:51.95
you know, what, you
can't tell me anything,
00:05:51.98\00:05:54.98
you know, you made
a mistake, you know.
00:05:55.02\00:05:57.35
And I can
remember so many people,
00:05:57.39\00:05:59.25
so many of my friends,
00:05:59.29\00:06:00.69
you know, making
that same comment that,
00:06:00.72\00:06:02.72
you know, because in a sense,
00:06:02.76\00:06:04.36
you know, children
look up to their parents
00:06:04.39\00:06:06.83
as a God figure.
00:06:06.86\00:06:08.60
And when mom and dad mess up
00:06:08.63\00:06:10.17
and go their
separate ways, it's like...
00:06:10.20\00:06:12.47
Hey, I'm gonna do my own
thing, I'm gonna do my...
00:06:12.50\00:06:15.47
And please
don't try to parent me
00:06:15.50\00:06:17.34
because if you
couldn't get it right,
00:06:17.41\00:06:19.17
don't expect for
me to get it right.
00:06:19.21\00:06:21.08
So I think that's
something very significant.
00:06:21.11\00:06:23.55
And lot of times,
that's not truly their logic.
00:06:23.58\00:06:29.02
They're just
saying that the fact is,
00:06:29.05\00:06:31.12
is they're mad at
you for what you did.
00:06:31.15\00:06:33.76
And that's
their way of rebelling
00:06:33.79\00:06:35.86
against what you did.
00:06:35.89\00:06:37.66
So they use that
sort of as a smokescreen
00:06:37.69\00:06:40.60
for the real rebellion
that they have in their hearts,
00:06:40.63\00:06:43.53
because of the pain
of what you cause them
00:06:43.57\00:06:47.00
as they see it
by getting divorced
00:06:47.04\00:06:48.37
in the first place.
00:06:48.40\00:06:49.74
Okay. Okay.
00:06:49.77\00:06:51.11
We know
00:06:51.14\00:06:52.47
that parenting is
difficult, you know, Muta.
00:06:52.51\00:06:53.84
Oh, yeah.
00:06:53.88\00:06:55.21
You know, even
with young children,
00:06:55.24\00:06:56.58
we know that we have to be there
00:06:56.61\00:06:57.95
for our young children.
00:06:57.98\00:06:59.31
And as you, somebody said,
00:06:59.35\00:07:00.75
Elder King, children don't come,
00:07:00.78\00:07:02.15
you know, with a manual,
00:07:02.18\00:07:03.75
you know, there's no
set prescribed way that,
00:07:03.82\00:07:06.49
you know, y'all
to parent each child,
00:07:06.52\00:07:08.49
but there are some ways
that we can parent, you know.
00:07:08.52\00:07:12.96
The Bible gave some instruction,
00:07:12.99\00:07:14.36
but what are some of
the different methods,
00:07:14.40\00:07:18.43
so to speak, of parenting?
00:07:18.47\00:07:20.87
And really, you know,
and I'll flip sides that,
00:07:20.94\00:07:22.90
what are some of
the effective ways
00:07:22.94\00:07:24.41
that we can do it as well?
00:07:24.44\00:07:25.77
Sure.
00:07:25.81\00:07:27.18
You know, children
are master psychologist.
00:07:27.21\00:07:30.05
And they figure
you out fairly quickly.
00:07:30.08\00:07:33.08
Even babies at a very early age,
00:07:33.11\00:07:37.32
the baby knows
that if he or she cries
00:07:37.39\00:07:40.86
at a certain time,
00:07:40.89\00:07:42.39
mom or dad is going to respond.
00:07:42.42\00:07:44.59
And so that early learning,
00:07:44.63\00:07:47.00
that early
reinforcement is present.
00:07:47.03\00:07:50.53
And so they have figured out
sometimes how to split teams.
00:07:50.57\00:07:55.30
And so that's why parenting
00:07:55.34\00:07:57.64
and parenting
properly is so critical.
00:07:57.67\00:08:00.91
So I want to talk briefly
about four parenting styles.
00:08:00.94\00:08:04.28
You know, someone way back
00:08:04.31\00:08:05.85
when gave them
four distinct labels.
00:08:05.88\00:08:10.65
The very first one is
the authoritarian parent.
00:08:10.72\00:08:15.16
This is the parent who says,
"You do what I tell you to do.
00:08:15.19\00:08:20.23
And this is my house, and
if you don't listen to me,
00:08:20.26\00:08:23.03
I'm gonna kick you out."
00:08:23.06\00:08:25.67
That's the authoritarian style.
00:08:25.70\00:08:28.07
And actually, that's the
style that I grew up with.
00:08:28.10\00:08:30.97
Now thinking about it,
00:08:31.01\00:08:32.34
where my dad made it very clear,
00:08:32.37\00:08:33.98
you know, he used to say to me,
00:08:34.01\00:08:35.41
"Two big men can't
live in the same house.
00:08:35.44\00:08:37.78
So you've got to decide."
00:08:37.81\00:08:39.18
Okay. So that's
the very first one.
00:08:39.21\00:08:43.59
And then we have
the authoritative style.
00:08:43.62\00:08:46.19
This is more of a democratic way
00:08:46.22\00:08:48.56
of parenting,
00:08:48.59\00:08:49.92
where you're not
ordering your children around,
00:08:49.96\00:08:52.53
you're giving them choices.
00:08:52.56\00:08:54.30
You're giving them options.
00:08:54.30\00:08:55.96
You're involving them in
the decision making process.
00:08:56.00\00:09:00.10
And the research
has actually shown
00:09:00.17\00:09:02.80
that this style has proven to be
00:09:02.84\00:09:05.11
the most effective style.
00:09:05.14\00:09:06.71
So that's the
authoritative style.
00:09:06.74\00:09:09.01
Now there's the
permissive style.
00:09:09.04\00:09:11.51
And this is the home
00:09:11.55\00:09:12.88
where there aren't rules
or guidelines or regulations.
00:09:12.91\00:09:16.32
You know, the child can
come in at 11, 12, 1 am, 2 am.
00:09:16.35\00:09:21.72
Like, "Where have you been?
00:09:21.76\00:09:23.09
You know, it's kind of late now.
00:09:23.12\00:09:24.46
Okay, I'll see
you in the morning."
00:09:24.49\00:09:25.89
So there are no
rules and guidelines.
00:09:25.93\00:09:28.30
And these
children really do well.
00:09:28.33\00:09:31.10
They have little
respect for authority.
00:09:31.13\00:09:34.97
One of the least respecting,
00:09:35.00\00:09:38.64
respected parenting
style is the uninvolved parent.
00:09:38.67\00:09:42.28
And unfortunately,
00:09:42.31\00:09:44.18
this style is
prevalent in urban families,
00:09:44.25\00:09:48.95
where the dad is gone,
he's absent, he's uninvolved.
00:09:48.98\00:09:54.39
Sometimes he's in jail
00:09:54.42\00:09:57.23
or sometimes he's
busy making other babies.
00:09:57.26\00:10:00.90
And so he's uninvolved
in the raising of the child.
00:10:00.93\00:10:04.47
These children tend to do worse
of the four parenting styles.
00:10:04.50\00:10:08.67
Wow!
00:10:08.70\00:10:10.07
Let's kind of talk
about the authoritative,
00:10:10.11\00:10:12.37
you know, parenting style
that, you know, you said, again,
00:10:12.41\00:10:15.38
that was kind of the best style
00:10:15.41\00:10:17.88
to use where parent and child
00:10:17.91\00:10:20.28
are coming together to the table
00:10:20.32\00:10:21.82
and they're
discussing issues together.
00:10:21.85\00:10:24.89
You know, Brandon, as
you are raising your boys,
00:10:24.92\00:10:27.76
you know, which are now men,
00:10:27.79\00:10:29.36
you know, talk a
little bit about,
00:10:29.39\00:10:32.56
you know, what you
did to help raise them?
00:10:32.59\00:10:36.93
It's kind of interesting,
00:10:37.00\00:10:38.33
because I can't
slot myself squarely
00:10:38.37\00:10:44.41
in one style or the other.
00:10:44.44\00:10:48.38
I have a bit
00:10:48.41\00:10:50.01
and probably a
little bit of everything
00:10:50.08\00:10:51.71
except uninvolved.
00:10:51.75\00:10:55.12
But it's been by design.
00:10:55.15\00:10:58.05
I'm one of those people,
00:10:58.09\00:10:59.42
you know, I'm an engineer
so I'm constantly sensing,
00:10:59.45\00:11:02.82
bringing it in,
making some decision,
00:11:02.86\00:11:05.99
refiguring and coming back.
00:11:06.03\00:11:08.30
And there are times
00:11:08.33\00:11:09.93
where I felt it was important
to be authoritarian to say,
00:11:09.96\00:11:15.24
"You just simply
can't touch the eye.
00:11:15.27\00:11:17.84
It's hot." Yeah, that's right.
00:11:17.87\00:11:19.21
"I know you don't understand.
00:11:19.24\00:11:20.58
But you'll
thank me later." Okay.
00:11:20.64\00:11:22.48
And then of course,
00:11:22.51\00:11:25.05
I did probably spend
more time in authoritative
00:11:25.08\00:11:28.08
because that's
the type of person
00:11:28.12\00:11:29.45
that I am.
00:11:29.48\00:11:30.85
I think my wife is
probably more authoritarian.
00:11:30.89\00:11:35.42
But and see would
sometimes ask me twice,
00:11:35.46\00:11:39.09
"Are you sure you
want to be authoritative?"
00:11:39.13\00:11:41.33
Not using that term,
00:11:41.36\00:11:42.70
"But are you sure
you want to discuss this,
00:11:42.73\00:11:46.23
instead of
simply make the call?"
00:11:46.27\00:11:48.24
And, but she would
respect what path I would take.
00:11:48.27\00:11:50.87
The thing for me is
to, obviously, pray,
00:11:50.91\00:11:56.88
get divine insight,
00:11:56.91\00:11:58.48
and then use the gray
matter that God gave you,
00:11:58.51\00:12:01.15
look, assess,
determine what will work.
00:12:01.18\00:12:04.19
There are times
where you want to back off,
00:12:04.22\00:12:06.96
and let the child
have some autonomy
00:12:06.99\00:12:08.96
with some processes,
00:12:08.99\00:12:11.73
with some decisions,
because that's how healthy too.
00:12:11.76\00:12:14.56
Because they don't learn
00:12:14.56\00:12:15.90
to just sort of lean on you
all the time for everything,
00:12:15.93\00:12:18.37
but you can't just leave them
out there that way all the time
00:12:18.40\00:12:21.50
because that can be destructive.
00:12:21.54\00:12:23.81
And, you know, interestingly,
00:12:23.87\00:12:25.54
children know which
parent is the enforcer,
00:12:25.57\00:12:29.68
you know, which one, you know,
00:12:29.71\00:12:31.05
they can roll
certain things fast
00:12:31.08\00:12:32.81
without them putting up a fuss.
00:12:32.85\00:12:35.45
And almost always
00:12:35.48\00:12:37.95
they go to the
"weaker one," you know.
00:12:37.99\00:12:41.46
If dad is the enforcer,
"I'm going to go through Mom, "
00:12:41.49\00:12:44.69
or if mom is the enforcer,
"I'm gonna go through Dad."
00:12:44.73\00:12:47.93
And, "I'm not going to
tell Dad what Mom said.
00:12:47.96\00:12:50.80
I'm going to tell him
what I want him to know."
00:12:50.83\00:12:53.87
Yeah, so they figure
that out fairly quickly.
00:12:53.90\00:12:58.01
You know, raising teenagers
00:12:58.04\00:12:59.71
is a very, very
challenging prospect,
00:12:59.74\00:13:01.81
especially when
they become mobile,
00:13:01.84\00:13:05.28
when they begin to drive.
00:13:05.31\00:13:06.92
Because in the state of Michigan
00:13:06.95\00:13:08.75
I think you can start driving
00:13:08.78\00:13:10.12
at age 14 years and 6
months or something like that.
00:13:10.19\00:13:13.59
And I do a lot of evaluations
00:13:13.66\00:13:17.79
at hospitals of teenagers
00:13:17.83\00:13:21.70
who have been
involved in accidents.
00:13:21.73\00:13:24.23
And I can't tell you
00:13:24.27\00:13:27.00
how many times my heart bleeds
00:13:27.04\00:13:30.47
when I see children
00:13:30.51\00:13:32.87
who have not been
parented appropriately
00:13:32.91\00:13:35.94
get themselves
in a lot of trouble.
00:13:35.98\00:13:39.48
Driving in a car with
friends sitting in the backseat
00:13:39.51\00:13:43.45
and pumping up the music
should never ever happen.
00:13:43.49\00:13:46.82
One of my rules
00:13:46.86\00:13:48.19
that I have
enforced with my son is that,
00:13:48.22\00:13:51.29
he's 17, "You can
only drive with one person.
00:13:51.33\00:13:54.83
You can only
drive with one person."
00:13:54.83\00:13:57.10
Because the more
people you have in the car,
00:13:57.13\00:14:00.14
the more likely you
are going to be distracted,
00:14:00.17\00:14:03.00
the more likely
00:14:03.04\00:14:04.37
you're going to want to show off
00:14:04.41\00:14:06.21
and display
your driving ability.
00:14:06.24\00:14:08.98
You know, a lot of teenagers
go through a phase that,
00:14:09.01\00:14:12.18
you know, we psychologists
called personal fable,
00:14:12.21\00:14:15.32
and that is, "Nothing
bad can happen to me."
00:14:15.35\00:14:18.22
You know, they
are 100 yards away,
00:14:18.25\00:14:20.36
the light is changing
from green to amber to red,
00:14:20.39\00:14:23.56
and they're
thinking, "I can beat that."
00:14:23.63\00:14:25.46
You know, and your
friends are saying,
00:14:25.49\00:14:26.83
"Go for it.
00:14:26.90\00:14:28.20
You can beat it."
00:14:28.23\00:14:29.56
You know, so
there's a lot of challenges
00:14:29.60\00:14:30.93
that you have to
confront with teenagers.
00:14:30.97\00:14:33.80
I was watching the news recently
00:14:33.84\00:14:35.57
and a mother was
having a very difficult time
00:14:35.60\00:14:39.74
with her son.
00:14:39.77\00:14:41.11
And on the local news,
00:14:41.14\00:14:43.08
I mean, it was
amazing that the mother
00:14:43.11\00:14:45.21
put the son out on the corner,
put a sign, him wear a sign,
00:14:45.25\00:14:50.45
you know, across
his body saying that,
00:14:50.49\00:14:53.82
hey, I have this
problem, I have this problem,
00:14:53.86\00:14:55.99
I have this problem.
00:14:56.02\00:14:57.39
I've been
disrespectful in this area.
00:14:57.43\00:14:59.19
And as people were driving by,
00:14:59.23\00:15:00.86
I mean, literally,
00:15:00.93\00:15:02.26
someone actually
stopped and called the police.
00:15:02.30\00:15:04.73
And the police came,
00:15:04.77\00:15:06.10
and they didn't
arrest the mother,
00:15:06.13\00:15:07.47
because, you know,
she wasn't doing anything
00:15:07.54\00:15:08.87
against the law.
00:15:08.90\00:15:10.24
But when she came on
news, she was saying that,
00:15:10.27\00:15:11.61
"Listen, you
know, my son is just,
00:15:11.64\00:15:13.61
you know, he's out of control.
00:15:13.68\00:15:15.24
And, you know,
while people may not agree
00:15:15.28\00:15:17.88
with my method,
00:15:17.91\00:15:19.25
you know, of exposing
him, I'm simply, you know,
00:15:19.28\00:15:21.58
when everybody's recognize that,
00:15:21.62\00:15:23.59
you know, he needs help,
00:15:23.62\00:15:24.95
he needs to recognize
that he needs help as well."
00:15:24.99\00:15:27.39
And maybe she's
trying to embarrass him
00:15:27.46\00:15:28.79
or whatever she's trying to do,
00:15:28.82\00:15:30.16
you know, she was making
a stance as a parent that,
00:15:30.19\00:15:33.16
"Hey, I'm not going to
be the uninvolved mother.
00:15:33.19\00:15:36.46
I'm not going to
be the permissive,
00:15:36.50\00:15:38.40
but I need to do something
to try to reel my son back in."
00:15:38.43\00:15:43.07
And, you know,
whether we agree or not,
00:15:43.10\00:15:44.94
I mean, I salute
her in a sense that,
00:15:44.97\00:15:46.64
you know, she just
didn't fold her arms
00:15:46.68\00:15:49.08
and to say, "You
know what, I give up,"
00:15:49.11\00:15:51.25
but she tried to do something
00:15:51.28\00:15:53.52
to, you know, to
help the situation.
00:15:53.58\00:15:54.92
And I hear you,
00:15:54.95\00:15:56.28
and I hear what
everyone's saying is that
00:15:56.32\00:15:57.85
we can't just be the,
00:15:57.89\00:15:59.22
you know, the permissive parent,
00:15:59.25\00:16:02.52
you know, you
just let everything go.
00:16:02.56\00:16:04.26
But there are
some other implications
00:16:04.29\00:16:05.79
that we can talk
about as well, you know.
00:16:05.83\00:16:07.66
And let's kind of dissect
this a little bit as well,
00:16:07.66\00:16:10.80
what are the implications for,
00:16:10.87\00:16:12.60
and this kind of
trouble quite a bit,
00:16:12.63\00:16:14.04
what are the implication
for an uninvolved parents?
00:16:14.07\00:16:16.64
If you are just really
absent and not involved,
00:16:16.71\00:16:19.71
what are some
of the implications
00:16:19.74\00:16:21.41
that you will see playing
out from our young people?
00:16:21.44\00:16:24.48
Well, you know, with
the uninvolved parent,
00:16:24.51\00:16:28.35
that child is learning
to not respect authority.
00:16:28.38\00:16:33.46
So if mom is
absent or dad is absent,
00:16:33.49\00:16:38.29
it means that
there are no rules.
00:16:38.33\00:16:40.13
And I can do what I want to do.
00:16:40.20\00:16:42.13
This is how I rule.
00:16:42.16\00:16:43.53
And this is how I do things
00:16:43.57\00:16:44.90
so I can hang out with whomever.
00:16:44.93\00:16:46.70
Here's a very disturbing stat.
00:16:46.74\00:16:49.74
The African-American
family in this country
00:16:49.77\00:16:54.38
comprises about 13.5%
of the general population.
00:16:54.41\00:17:00.78
So there's about
40 million blacks
00:17:00.85\00:17:03.22
living in the States,
00:17:03.25\00:17:04.69
okay, 13.5% of the population.
00:17:04.72\00:17:08.49
And the prison population,
00:17:08.52\00:17:10.76
we comprise about 40%
in the prison population.
00:17:10.79\00:17:15.83
So we have a
disproportionate amount
00:17:15.86\00:17:18.30
of blacks,
00:17:18.33\00:17:19.67
especially black males in jail,
00:17:19.70\00:17:22.94
or in prison partly
00:17:22.97\00:17:25.61
because they were
not parented properly.
00:17:25.64\00:17:28.58
Wow. Wow.
00:17:28.61\00:17:30.25
Muta, you know,
when you're growing up,
00:17:30.28\00:17:32.08
you know, how
are you disciplined,
00:17:32.11\00:17:33.82
did the mother and
father discipline you?
00:17:33.85\00:17:35.82
And talk about
that a little bit.
00:17:35.85\00:17:37.82
I know in every person's
mind, you still can remember,
00:17:37.85\00:17:41.39
you know, who stood up
and gave you discipline?
00:17:41.42\00:17:43.86
And what kind of effect
did they have in your life?
00:17:43.93\00:17:46.56
You know, I'm glad
you asked that question
00:17:46.59\00:17:48.53
because it's something
I wanted to share earlier,
00:17:48.56\00:17:50.13
when you were talking
00:17:50.17\00:17:51.50
about the
different parenting styles.
00:17:51.53\00:17:52.87
And I got that from my parents
where it was a team effort.
00:17:52.90\00:17:55.77
Okay.
00:17:55.80\00:17:57.17
So I wasn't just dis...
00:17:57.21\00:17:59.01
Dad was not just authoritative,
he was not the disciplinarian.
00:17:59.04\00:18:03.48
Mom wasn't so disciplinarian.
00:18:03.51\00:18:05.71
It was both, you know.
00:18:05.75\00:18:07.45
So you just never know
00:18:07.48\00:18:08.82
when it was coming
and who was coming from.
00:18:08.85\00:18:10.95
And so you just had to
be on guard at all times.
00:18:11.02\00:18:13.32
But I think we grew up
00:18:13.39\00:18:17.06
in a blend of, as Brandon said,
00:18:17.09\00:18:20.63
the
authoritarian, authoritative,
00:18:20.66\00:18:22.46
and permissive style.
00:18:22.50\00:18:24.17
And I think they blended
with whatever child it was.
00:18:24.20\00:18:29.27
I saw with my brother,
00:18:29.30\00:18:30.64
they're a little
bit more authoritarian
00:18:30.71\00:18:32.67
with my sister.
00:18:32.71\00:18:34.08
When my sister
who's right above me
00:18:34.11\00:18:36.75
and I came along,
00:18:36.78\00:18:38.11
they became to move into a,
00:18:38.15\00:18:40.15
they start to move
into an authoritative,
00:18:40.22\00:18:42.38
permissive, with me,
00:18:42.42\00:18:44.02
especially a
lot more permissive.
00:18:44.09\00:18:46.32
And I appreciated that
00:18:46.35\00:18:48.59
because I think the
type of individual I was,
00:18:48.62\00:18:51.23
I was strong willed.
00:18:51.26\00:18:52.69
So if you were trying
to be authoritarian on me,
00:18:52.73\00:18:55.23
I was gonna buck the system.
00:18:55.26\00:18:57.23
So it was like,
00:18:57.27\00:18:58.63
we might as well
give him a little leeway.
00:18:58.67\00:19:01.40
And then to speak, if I can,
on some of the implications,
00:19:01.44\00:19:04.81
a friend of mine...
00:19:04.84\00:19:06.17
What happens when the
parents is uninvolved,
00:19:06.21\00:19:10.81
somebody ends up on death row,
00:19:10.88\00:19:12.58
like a buddy of mine
who grew up in the church,
00:19:12.61\00:19:15.05
just like I did in
the small town like I did.
00:19:15.08\00:19:18.35
We grew up in
the two parent homes,
00:19:18.39\00:19:21.02
and he ended up on
death row, and I didn't.
00:19:21.06\00:19:24.73
And I truly believe
there was that issue
00:19:24.76\00:19:27.66
of parents were uninvolved.
00:19:27.73\00:19:29.33
One, his parents
ended up splitting up,
00:19:29.36\00:19:32.07
ended up getting into a divorce.
00:19:32.10\00:19:33.74
And they were very
uninvolved in their lives.
00:19:33.77\00:19:35.97
They thought they
could just buy them
00:19:36.00\00:19:37.67
everything they needed,
and they'll turn out right.
00:19:37.71\00:19:40.68
And what ended up happening
is, it just wasn't enough.
00:19:40.71\00:19:44.78
You can't buy me enough
stuff to show that you love me.
00:19:44.81\00:19:48.35
And so he started acting out
00:19:48.38\00:19:50.52
and eventually
got into a situation
00:19:50.59\00:19:52.82
where somebody was shot,
00:19:52.85\00:19:55.22
and he ended up in
trouble for it, you know.
00:19:55.26\00:19:58.79
So it's very,
very tough situation
00:19:58.83\00:20:03.26
that you have to deal
with when you're a parent.
00:20:03.33\00:20:05.17
Okay. Okay.
00:20:05.20\00:20:06.53
You know, it's
kind of interesting,
00:20:06.57\00:20:08.14
it's great when parents
are strategically determining
00:20:08.17\00:20:13.64
how and what blend
of these styles to use,
00:20:13.68\00:20:16.61
because they're two men
00:20:16.64\00:20:19.35
and they're
adjusting as they see fit.
00:20:19.38\00:20:23.02
But there's something else
00:20:23.05\00:20:24.39
that actually
happens too sometimes.
00:20:24.42\00:20:26.09
And maybe, Dr. King,
00:20:26.12\00:20:27.46
you've seen some of
this in some of the families
00:20:27.52\00:20:32.09
that you might work with.
00:20:32.13\00:20:33.46
But over time, as
parents get older,
00:20:33.50\00:20:38.00
sometimes they just
get tired of fighting.
00:20:38.03\00:20:40.07
And then they just,
00:20:40.10\00:20:41.77
actually, they fall
into permissive, you know.
00:20:41.80\00:20:47.31
They raise two or three
or four and then a big gap,
00:20:47.34\00:20:51.28
and then another one comes
and they're tired, you know.
00:20:51.31\00:20:54.25
And they can't have a tendency
00:20:54.28\00:20:57.15
to fall into
that permissive style,
00:20:57.22\00:20:59.92
especially if the
child is not giving you
00:21:00.06\00:21:03.19
a whole lot of trouble.
00:21:03.22\00:21:04.66
And that's, that could
be a dangerous combination,
00:21:04.69\00:21:07.40
because it's really a
false sense of security.
00:21:07.40\00:21:10.83
Child is still a child,
00:21:10.87\00:21:12.23
still subject
00:21:12.27\00:21:13.84
to the temptations of the devil.
00:21:13.90\00:21:15.24
He's still going to
try and go after him.
00:21:15.27\00:21:17.61
And if he doesn't
avoid insidious way,
00:21:17.64\00:21:21.28
then you may not catch him.
00:21:21.31\00:21:23.14
And plus,
you're older and tired.
00:21:23.18\00:21:25.21
So you figure, I don't
need to be as involved.
00:21:25.25\00:21:27.08
Sure.
00:21:27.12\00:21:28.45
And before you know it,
you're starting to see cue,
00:21:28.48\00:21:31.79
some kids are really
good at keeping it from you.
00:21:31.82\00:21:34.52
So you just think
they're the best child ever,
00:21:34.56\00:21:36.46
then you pick up a note
or get a call from somebody,
00:21:36.49\00:21:39.79
someone saw your child
here or doing this thing,
00:21:39.83\00:21:42.23
and you can't believe,
you're caught way off guard.
00:21:42.26\00:21:45.13
Now, Brandon is
absolutely right.
00:21:45.17\00:21:48.37
As we get older,
our defense is dropped,
00:21:48.40\00:21:52.94
you know, we're not
as actively involved,
00:21:52.97\00:21:54.94
we don't have the energy
00:21:54.98\00:21:56.68
and the will to
impose ourselves on our kids.
00:21:56.71\00:21:59.95
Also, we tend to
establish different rules
00:22:00.05\00:22:02.78
for boys and girls.
00:22:02.82\00:22:04.65
You know, the boys can run,
00:22:04.69\00:22:06.12
you know, they can
run with their friends,
00:22:06.15\00:22:08.19
you know, they
can come home late.
00:22:08.22\00:22:09.92
But we tend to be more
protective of our girls.
00:22:09.96\00:22:12.89
And we forget that our
boys can get in trouble.
00:22:12.93\00:22:15.50
They may not get pregnant,
but they may contract HIV.
00:22:15.53\00:22:20.60
So you got to be careful.
00:22:20.64\00:22:22.24
Doc, is that is that done
consciously that we are more,
00:22:22.27\00:22:25.47
more structured with our
girls than with the boys?
00:22:25.51\00:22:29.48
'Cause I hear that all the time,
00:22:29.51\00:22:30.85
I know it be true,
'cause I see it as well.
00:22:30.91\00:22:33.42
You know, is that
something we do intentionally?
00:22:33.48\00:22:34.82
Yes.
00:22:34.85\00:22:36.18
But, you know, I don't know
00:22:36.22\00:22:37.55
that we do it
necessarily intentionally,
00:22:37.59\00:22:39.39
but we do it consciously.
00:22:39.42\00:22:40.82
Okay.
00:22:40.86\00:22:42.19
We feel that our
daughters, the girls,
00:22:42.22\00:22:44.39
somehow they
need more protection.
00:22:44.43\00:22:47.03
And in a sense we are right.
00:22:47.10\00:22:49.00
But then we forget that our boys
00:22:49.03\00:22:51.07
also need protection.
00:22:51.10\00:22:53.17
Because once they begin to
run with their peer groups,
00:22:53.20\00:22:56.10
and they find
themselves with guys
00:22:56.14\00:22:58.41
who are like them
00:22:58.44\00:22:59.77
or guys who can
lead them astray,
00:22:59.81\00:23:01.21
it's difficult to reach them.
00:23:01.24\00:23:03.04
So as we kind of build
that wall of protection
00:23:03.08\00:23:07.45
around our daughters,
00:23:07.52\00:23:10.72
we need to build similar
walls around our sons also.
00:23:10.79\00:23:13.96
Okay. Okay.
00:23:13.99\00:23:15.32
You know, I remember
growing up and, again,
00:23:15.36\00:23:17.56
I praise God just
for my father's presence.
00:23:17.63\00:23:21.70
I raised up a few times,
00:23:21.73\00:23:23.06
you know, a few, being generous,
00:23:23.10\00:23:26.33
you know, I raised up.
00:23:26.37\00:23:27.70
And I never forget it
was the Thursday night,
00:23:27.74\00:23:29.17
my father came in,
he brought pizza and,
00:23:29.20\00:23:31.54
you know, our
favorite TV show was on
00:23:31.57\00:23:33.74
and that
particular Thursday night,
00:23:33.78\00:23:35.51
you know,
whatever was on that pizza,
00:23:35.54\00:23:37.01
I did not want it.
00:23:37.05\00:23:38.41
And I made myself known,
I said, "I don't want this."
00:23:38.45\00:23:42.88
And when I got done,
saying, "I don't want this,"
00:23:42.92\00:23:45.52
I kid you not,
00:23:45.55\00:23:46.92
you know from a Christian home,
00:23:46.96\00:23:48.56
I was on the wall.
00:23:48.59\00:23:49.92
Absolutely.
00:23:49.99\00:23:51.59
Help me, I'm standing there,
00:23:51.63\00:23:52.96
I don't remember my father said,
00:23:52.99\00:23:54.30
I don't remember all
doing all but I do remember,
00:23:54.36\00:23:56.93
I was the victim.
00:23:57.00\00:23:58.77
And I remember just my father,
00:23:58.80\00:24:01.40
just taking me
and dealing with me,
00:24:01.44\00:24:04.57
and saying, "Listen,
you know, you don't respond,
00:24:04.61\00:24:08.78
you know, in such
manners to your parent.
00:24:08.81\00:24:13.01
You know, I'm providing for you,
00:24:13.05\00:24:14.38
I love you, I care for you.
00:24:14.42\00:24:15.75
I'm doing all this."
00:24:15.78\00:24:17.12
And we need to recognize
that when that's not done,
00:24:17.19\00:24:20.89
then, you know, boys,
especially as children,
00:24:20.96\00:24:24.23
and, you know, boys, especially
if they don't fear someone,
00:24:24.26\00:24:27.66
you know, then
they'll do whatever,
00:24:27.66\00:24:29.56
you know, especially if
they don't fear a father,
00:24:29.60\00:24:32.17
or a strong person
in the family home,
00:24:32.20\00:24:34.64
they'll go on the outside
and they'll just run rampant.
00:24:34.67\00:24:36.77
Absolutely.
00:24:36.81\00:24:38.14
You know, because
there's no structure,
00:24:38.17\00:24:40.14
there's no boundaries.
00:24:40.18\00:24:41.51
And I look back around,
00:24:41.54\00:24:42.88
I look back right now and I say,
00:24:42.91\00:24:44.25
"You know what, I
deserve it," you know?
00:24:44.28\00:24:45.61
I'm glad my
father straight me up.
00:24:45.65\00:24:47.48
And even today, you know,
00:24:47.52\00:24:48.85
even with my five-year-old,
00:24:48.88\00:24:50.25
you know, my wife may
say, you know, "Sit down,"
00:24:50.29\00:24:53.42
you know, in her feminine voice,
00:24:53.46\00:24:55.02
and he may every now and then,
00:24:55.06\00:24:56.62
you know, "I'm
still gonna do my thing."
00:24:56.69\00:24:58.43
But then when I
step in, and say,
00:24:58.46\00:24:59.89
"Okay, sit down."
00:24:59.96\00:25:01.86
And I lower my voice,
it's like, he's like, "Oh!"
00:25:01.90\00:25:05.07
You know, "Dad
has spoken," you know?
00:25:05.10\00:25:07.24
And he sits himself down.
00:25:07.27\00:25:08.60
And I'm like, you know,
00:25:08.64\00:25:09.97
that's great
that he respects that.
00:25:10.01\00:25:11.81
But on other side,
I'm thinking myself, wow,
00:25:11.84\00:25:14.11
you know, the other
friends that I have,
00:25:14.18\00:25:16.08
the other people that I know
00:25:16.11\00:25:17.45
they don't have
that male figure.
00:25:17.48\00:25:20.35
And I'm seeing that
there had, there's this,
00:25:20.42\00:25:22.75
there has to be
some type of connection
00:25:22.78\00:25:24.52
of the dots.
00:25:24.55\00:25:25.89
We know where
this is not happening
00:25:25.92\00:25:27.96
in our society today,
00:25:27.99\00:25:29.32
especially in our
urban communities.
00:25:29.36\00:25:31.06
Let's kind of talk about
00:25:31.09\00:25:32.43
in the last two
and a half minutes
00:25:32.46\00:25:33.80
that we have, in
regards to some guidelines,
00:25:33.83\00:25:36.63
give us some parameters
that we can set up to help us,
00:25:36.67\00:25:41.47
to be able to
reach our children.
00:25:41.50\00:25:43.97
Parents need to
establish boundaries.
00:25:44.01\00:25:47.88
They need to set the rules.
00:25:47.91\00:25:50.61
And when the rules are broken,
00:25:50.65\00:25:52.68
they need to enforce
some type of a penalty.
00:25:52.71\00:25:57.15
You mentioned
something very, very important,
00:25:57.19\00:25:59.69
very critical.
00:25:59.72\00:26:01.79
When sometimes when your wife
talks to your son, you know,
00:26:01.82\00:26:05.06
he may get up and jump around.
00:26:05.09\00:26:07.23
And, but when you talk
to him, he tends to listen.
00:26:07.23\00:26:10.00
You know,
00:26:10.07\00:26:11.40
there's the
general reason for that,
00:26:11.43\00:26:13.44
because women
talk more than men,
00:26:13.47\00:26:16.20
sometimes the
children tune them out.
00:26:16.24\00:26:19.54
So what the women
have got to learn to do
00:26:19.57\00:26:22.11
is to speak
less, but enforce more.
00:26:22.14\00:26:26.75
There is no reason to say,
00:26:26.82\00:26:28.28
"How many times
do I have to tell you
00:26:28.32\00:26:29.75
not to do this?
00:26:29.78\00:26:31.12
Are you doing it again?"
00:26:31.15\00:26:32.49
Speak less, but enforce more.
00:26:32.52\00:26:34.99
Another guideline set
realistic expectations.
00:26:35.02\00:26:39.16
Don't expect your
child to sit in the same seat
00:26:39.19\00:26:41.50
for two hours.
00:26:41.53\00:26:42.86
It's just not going to happen.
00:26:42.90\00:26:44.23
And they're
going break the rule.
00:26:44.27\00:26:45.60
So the
expectations must be realistic.
00:26:45.63\00:26:48.57
Become involved in
your children's activities,
00:26:48.60\00:26:51.34
know who they're
running with, their friends,
00:26:51.37\00:26:54.68
their peer groups.
00:26:54.71\00:26:56.04
Also try to expose
them to good role models.
00:26:56.08\00:26:59.35
That's good, good role models.
00:26:59.38\00:27:01.48
And, you know,
that's gonna be a point
00:27:01.52\00:27:02.85
that we're gonna come back to
00:27:02.88\00:27:04.22
because we got to talk about
00:27:04.25\00:27:05.69
this whole mentorship concept
00:27:05.72\00:27:07.89
that so many times
that we just don't have,
00:27:07.92\00:27:11.03
you know, a good role model
for our children to look at.
00:27:11.06\00:27:14.86
And I think that's
absolutely critical.
00:27:14.93\00:27:16.80
You know, I always
challenge our viewers,
00:27:16.87\00:27:20.04
those who have tuned in today,
00:27:20.07\00:27:21.80
just I know that so many times
00:27:21.84\00:27:24.01
it can be difficult as a parent.
00:27:24.04\00:27:25.74
And sometimes as we said before,
00:27:25.77\00:27:28.61
sometimes you just
have gotten to the point
00:27:28.64\00:27:30.45
where you feel,
like, "You know what,
00:27:30.48\00:27:31.95
there's nothing else I can do.
00:27:31.98\00:27:33.62
I'm just gonna give up.
00:27:33.65\00:27:34.98
I'm just gonna, you
know, wash my hands of this
00:27:35.02\00:27:37.09
and hope that they
turn out for the very best."
00:27:37.12\00:27:39.15
You know what, I found out,
00:27:39.19\00:27:40.66
like, Hannah
prayed in the Bible,
00:27:40.69\00:27:42.06
when she prayed
fervently unto the Lord.
00:27:42.09\00:27:45.09
The Bible says that
God heard her prayer,
00:27:45.13\00:27:48.53
and the prayers of
mothers, the prayers of fathers,
00:27:48.56\00:27:51.23
God hears those
prayers. And I trust you.
00:27:51.27\00:27:54.00
I want you to trust me right now
00:27:54.04\00:27:55.54
that when you cry out to God,
00:27:55.57\00:27:57.37
God can move in a
mark way, trust Him.
00:27:57.41\00:28:00.41
I'm Pastor William Lee.
00:28:00.44\00:28:01.78
Until next time, I
pray that God will continue
00:28:01.81\00:28:04.28
to richly bless your life.
00:28:04.31\00:28:06.85
God bless you.
00:28:06.88\00:28:08.22
Amen.
00:28:08.25\00:28:09.58