Welcome to For Guys Only,
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a program that deals with topics
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specifically
geared for the urban man.
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I'm Pastor William Lee,
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I'm so excited that you
have joined us on today.
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Listen, today we're gonna
talk about men are from Mars,
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men are from Mars.
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We know the
opposite side of that.
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I encouraging you to stay tuned
as we go into our broadcast.
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Welcome, gentlemen, once again.
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It is so good to have you all
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back for another
fantastic episode.
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As always we're gonna
begin our episode today,
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our program today
with just a word of prayer.
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So, Muta, may I
ask you to pray for us?
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Sure. Let's bow our heads.
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Our Father, God,
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we just thank
You for bringing us
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and giving us this opportunity
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to just sit as men
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and discuss some of
the things that affect us,
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Lord, let Your Holy
Spirit may be with us
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and guide this conversation
to Your honor and glory
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in Christ name we pray, amen.
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Amen. Good.
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Kind of want to
just introduce ourselves
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in case this is
one of the first times
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that our viewers is
watching the program.
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So let's just give a
short synopsis of ourselves.
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Let's start with you, Brandon.
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Yes, I'm Brandon Dent. I
am a retired auto executive.
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And I am...
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I've been married
some 27 years now.
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I probably should
give that specific
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for my wife who is watching.
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So I think that might qualify me
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to participate in
this particular episode.
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All right, good. Sure.
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I'm Colin King, I'm a
clinical psychologist.
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I have two children
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and I've been
married for the last,
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I believe, 21 years.
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I've been in practice.
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I've been an adjunct
professor at Wayne State,
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EMU and another
local university,
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and I'm happy to be here.
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Okay, good.
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My name is Muta Mwenya
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and I am executive
director for Elijah3 Ministries.
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I have been
married for seven years,
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I've got two children.
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And I'm originally from
Lusaka, Zambia in Africa.
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And I'm very happy to be here.
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Okay, good.
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And, of course,
I'm Pastor William Lee,
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pastor in the
Lake Region Conference
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of Seventh-day Adventists
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and just excited
about what God is doing.
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I'm married for seven
years as well with two children.
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All right, come on, let's kind
of get into our conversation,
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say, men are from Mars.
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We're just gonna break
that down a little bit.
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And I always like to go to
you, Dr. King, being again,
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the clinical psychologist
to kind of help us understand,
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you know, men communicate
differently from women.
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Of course, the
Bible even tells us
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in Genesis Chapter 1,
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which I'll read
in verse number 27.
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It's absolutely clear
that God made us different.
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So the Word of God says,
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"So God created
man in his own image,
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in the image of
God created he him,
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male and female
created he them."
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So God...
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Of course, we know
that God created a male,
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God created a female,
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but let's kind of break it down
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and talk about the differences
between men and women.
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Yes, there are some
fundamental differences
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that we have observed.
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Why does a woman go to the mall
and spend 10 hours shopping,
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comes back home with nothing?
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And a guy will go to the mall,
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he spends 10 minutes
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and he comes back
home with a whole bag
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filled with electrical
drills and measuring tapes,
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and so on and so forth.
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Why would a woman want to
have a full-scale conversation
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at 2 o'clock in the morning?
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It makes no sense to me at all.
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So there's some
fundamental differences
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just based on our
anecdotal observations,
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but at the very
core we're different.
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We're very, very different.
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I've got a couple of models here
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that I just wanted to assure you
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in terms of how we are
just designed differently.
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This is a model
of the human brain.
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You know, it's...
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The brain is a very small,
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tight organ that is
housed in a very tight box,
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not a whole lot of
room to move around.
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And as you can see,
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it's sort of
designed in two hemispheres.
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You can see this line
coming right down the middle,
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so this is the left hemisphere
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and this is the
right hemisphere.
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And in here,
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there's roughly
about 100 million neurons
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and over a trillion connections.
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Here's one
fundamental difference,
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men have more
neurons than women.
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The neurons are
tightly packed together.
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Women have fewer neurons,
but they have more connections.
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Fundamental difference,
men tend to be more left brain,
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women tend to
be more dual brain,
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so they have sort of
like a dual core processor.
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Okay, okay.
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And, you know, we have...
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I mean, we use
both sides of our brain,
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but we are more
left-sided processor.
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And that's why
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a woman can
quickly access information
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from her brain
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because she's using that
dual core processing thing.
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And that's why
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I had a very
interesting experience.
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Just last week,
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I had to meet with a female
to plan for an upcoming event.
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And she was sitting
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with nearly
about 15 other people.
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And everyone was
talking at the same time.
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And she said to me,
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"Can you come over here
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because we need to
discuss the upcoming meeting?"
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And I said, "No, I can't do it."
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I said,
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"There was no way
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I can sit in that
stimulating environment
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and have a discussion with you."
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Then she said,
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"What's your problem?
I'm perfectly fine with it."
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So just at the
very fundamental level
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they can access
information faster than we can.
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Additionally,
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here's another
fundamental difference.
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You know, this is sort
of a model of the brain.
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You know, this
is the frontal lobe,
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we've got a temporal lobe,
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you know, the brain is divided
into five different lobes.
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Women have a
larger limbic system.
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And our limbic system
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is what houses our
emotional well-being.
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It's the part of us
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that makes us cry or
laugh or enjoy a good movie.
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The limbic system
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or it's contained
in the corpus callosum,
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but it is larger in
a woman than in a man.
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And that's why a
woman is better able
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to access emotional
content faster than a guy.
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So just by nature,
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women are more emotional
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because they have a
larger limbic system,
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a larger bonding system.
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And that's why a
mother can bond quickly
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with a newborn baby,
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not just because she
just gave birth to that child,
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but because she has
a larger limbic system.
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And that's why a woman can cry
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at the opening
of a grocery store.
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And you're like,
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"What's your problem?"
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Like, why would you do that?
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It is because they
have a larger limbic system.
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And I can come back
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to some of these
fundamental differences,
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but just to kind of
set up this discussion.
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Okay, okay.
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Wow, that's very interesting.
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Even to the
point that, you know,
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sitting here and
listening to your discussion,
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I feel that, you
know, I'm step behind.
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My processor is not as fluid
as even my wife, so to speak.
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You know, there are some
basic fundamental differences
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that I can see
from the beginning
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or from just basic
that men seem to communicate
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different from women.
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I mean, it is this basic thing.
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You know, when
wife says something,
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you know, I hear but,
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you know...
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We're
different. We're different.
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Talk about communication,
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you know, how we
communicate differently,
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you know, men and women?
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Well, to begin with women
speak more often than men.
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You know, it is estimated that
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a woman speaks approximately
20,000 words a day,
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a guy speaks
about 7,000 words a day.
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So they
outnumber us three to one.
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And that's why when
you come home from work
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and you're tired,
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you don't want to
have conversation,
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because you've already
spoken your 7,000 words,
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and that's why your
wife or your girlfriend
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wants to continue
talking into the night.
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Exhaust 10,000 words...
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Exactly.
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Also, men speak for report.
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How was your day,
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this is what
happened, the car broke down,
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what's happened at
the office, da-da-da...
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And then you will finish.
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Woman speaks for rapport.
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Once again that
whole bonding system.
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So when they're talking to
you it's not necessarily because
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you're looking for a report,
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you're looking to build rapport.
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And so that's why
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when they tell
you certain things,
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you don't quite understand
what it is that you're telling,
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but they expect
you to understand
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what they're telling you.
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I don't want
anything for my birthday
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which is coming up in a month,
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you know, I don't want anything.
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What you're saying is
that you better be prepared.
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Do something
because I'm telling you.
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So those are some
fundamental differences also.
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But, you know,
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I want to bring
in the other guys
00:10:00.30\00:10:01.60
in this certainly.
00:10:01.63\00:10:02.96
Yeah, okay. No, it's funny.
00:10:03.00\00:10:04.33
As you were
talking I started laughing,
00:10:04.37\00:10:05.70
because when my wife
is telling me a story,
00:10:05.73\00:10:09.20
she always goes into detail
00:10:09.24\00:10:11.27
and starts telling me
names of people I had no clue.
00:10:11.31\00:10:14.88
You work with them, I don't.
00:10:14.91\00:10:17.01
So Suzy did this.
00:10:17.05\00:10:18.75
Who is Suzy?
00:10:18.78\00:10:20.28
Where did she come from?
00:10:20.32\00:10:22.02
And it's something that
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adds a little
frustration sometimes
00:10:24.79\00:10:26.49
because I'm on the go, I
want her to get to the point,
00:10:26.52\00:10:29.49
and she's busy telling
me the background story.
00:10:29.52\00:10:32.33
Just tell me,
00:10:32.36\00:10:33.70
honey, just tell me exactly
what you're trying to say.
00:10:33.76\00:10:36.83
And I find
that, so you're right.
00:10:36.90\00:10:40.27
I'm ready to
just get to the point,
00:10:40.30\00:10:42.10
tell me what it is,
00:10:42.14\00:10:43.47
and let's move on
00:10:43.54\00:10:44.87
while she's giving me everything
00:10:44.91\00:10:47.74
and everyone first of all.
00:10:47.78\00:10:49.11
I'm even worse than that.
00:10:49.14\00:10:50.88
Not only do I
want the bottom line
00:10:50.91\00:10:52.61
it's because I'm
anticipating that
00:10:52.65\00:10:54.45
there's
something there I can fix.
00:10:54.48\00:10:56.85
I want to give.
00:10:56.92\00:10:58.25
Right, right. Yeah.
00:10:58.29\00:10:59.62
So I like missing two bolts.
00:10:59.65\00:11:01.06
Right. Wow, wow, wow.
00:11:01.09\00:11:03.93
And let's kind of
break it down even more,
00:11:03.96\00:11:05.69
so I bought the
emotional side as well,
00:11:05.73\00:11:07.50
because and you rightly said
at the beginning that women,
00:11:07.50\00:11:10.03
you know,
00:11:10.07\00:11:11.40
they can cry
00:11:11.43\00:11:12.77
at the opening
of a grocery store.
00:11:12.80\00:11:14.54
And, you know, a
male looks at it and says,
00:11:14.57\00:11:16.34
"You know, what it
is? It's not that deep,
00:11:16.37\00:11:17.84
you know, it's just
this, it's not that."
00:11:17.87\00:11:19.61
You know, even with problems,
00:11:19.64\00:11:21.18
you know, in our
basic relationships.
00:11:21.21\00:11:22.74
You know,
sometimes we can see it,
00:11:22.78\00:11:24.25
you know, a whole lot
deeper than we see it.
00:11:24.28\00:11:26.31
You know, how do we kind
of balance this emotional side
00:11:26.35\00:11:31.92
if men have a deficit that is,
00:11:31.95\00:11:33.56
what can we do
to try to understand
00:11:33.62\00:11:38.99
our spouses, our girlfriends?
00:11:39.03\00:11:41.10
Well, it's actually
sort of a double deficit.
00:11:41.13\00:11:44.93
Because to begin with
00:11:44.97\00:11:46.70
we have a
smaller bonding system.
00:11:46.77\00:11:49.57
So just on the
physiological level,
00:11:49.60\00:11:52.47
we are not capable of
being emotionally stirred
00:11:52.51\00:11:58.31
like the women are.
00:11:58.35\00:11:59.95
So we already
starting with a minus,
00:12:00.05\00:12:01.65
if you want to call it a minus.
00:12:01.68\00:12:03.42
And then we are socialized
not to behave emotionally.
00:12:03.49\00:12:08.79
So it's sort of a
double whammy going on.
00:12:08.82\00:12:11.29
And as guys we
need to recognize that.
00:12:11.33\00:12:14.00
And so we need to work
on the deficits that we have
00:12:14.00\00:12:19.20
and we need to
understand that if the woman,
00:12:19.23\00:12:22.44
the girl is emotional
00:12:22.47\00:12:24.74
over some
content, some incident,
00:12:24.77\00:12:28.01
we cannot dismiss it,
because we are not feeling it.
00:12:28.04\00:12:32.48
We have to learn to tune in
and we have to learn to feel,
00:12:32.51\00:12:37.69
and you know how
we don't like to feel.
00:12:37.72\00:12:40.92
So we have to work
on that part of us.
00:12:40.96\00:12:43.43
Okay.
00:12:43.49\00:12:44.83
It's sort of like
working on a PhD, Pastor.
00:12:44.86\00:12:47.50
I know every day that you have
something to do toward that in.
00:12:47.56\00:12:51.00
You're not always energized
and ready to go for it,
00:12:51.03\00:12:53.90
but you discipline yourself
00:12:53.97\00:12:55.37
and you do many
things that are not natural
00:12:55.40\00:12:59.67
that you don't
always feel like doing,
00:12:59.71\00:13:01.84
because the desired
outcome has a great value.
00:13:01.88\00:13:05.95
And that's how we've got
to get in our relationships.
00:13:05.98\00:13:08.58
It may not be natural for me
00:13:08.62\00:13:10.69
to sit and hear all
the story behind the story,
00:13:10.72\00:13:13.86
it may not be natural for me
00:13:13.89\00:13:15.39
to not jump in and try
to come up with some fixes
00:13:15.42\00:13:19.03
that are not warranted.
00:13:19.06\00:13:21.70
But if I value the relationship,
00:13:21.73\00:13:24.60
then what I, you know,
getting the understanding,
00:13:24.63\00:13:27.20
appreciating our differences
00:13:27.24\00:13:28.60
and understanding that
00:13:28.64\00:13:29.97
she has a
different set of needs.
00:13:30.01\00:13:32.04
I should value the relationship
00:13:32.07\00:13:34.08
so that I
discipline myself, right?
00:13:34.14\00:13:36.71
Now it sounds
all great and good.
00:13:36.75\00:13:39.91
Am I perfect at that? No.
00:13:39.98\00:13:41.98
But now that I know
00:13:42.02\00:13:43.39
I have something
that I can shoot for that
00:13:43.45\00:13:45.22
I can work on day by
day, moment by moment.
00:13:45.25\00:13:50.93
And that makes all the
difference in the world
00:13:50.96\00:13:54.56
when you're trying,
'cause that's all...
00:13:54.56\00:13:56.53
That's what we
can do as sinful man.
00:13:56.60\00:13:59.00
Okay.
00:13:59.03\00:14:00.44
And you want to keep in mind
00:14:00.47\00:14:01.80
that all that the woman
needs is just the knowledge
00:14:01.84\00:14:04.64
that you are trying.
00:14:04.67\00:14:07.38
They know that
you're not capable.
00:14:07.41\00:14:10.78
They just want to
know that you're trying.
00:14:10.85\00:14:13.52
You know, I'm a
clinical psychologist
00:14:13.55\00:14:16.15
and I know better.
00:14:16.18\00:14:17.52
I know these things.
00:14:17.59\00:14:18.92
It doesn't make
it easier for me.
00:14:18.95\00:14:20.29
You know, I like, Muta,
tell me the bottom line.
00:14:20.32\00:14:24.89
I'm thinking,
don't waste my time,
00:14:24.93\00:14:27.20
just tell me the bottom line.
00:14:27.23\00:14:29.53
And that can lead
into a lot of problems.
00:14:29.56\00:14:32.70
Brandon just mentioned something
00:14:32.73\00:14:34.40
about problem solving.
00:14:34.44\00:14:36.87
When a female
brings an issue to you
00:14:36.91\00:14:39.77
and, you know, I don't want
to steal your thunder at all.
00:14:39.81\00:14:42.48
So we immediately
look for solutions,
00:14:42.51\00:14:47.78
immediately,
because we're thinking
00:14:47.82\00:14:49.72
that's what
we're supposed to do.
00:14:49.75\00:14:52.52
But a lot of times
that's not what they want.
00:14:52.55\00:14:54.39
They simply want
you to sit and listen
00:14:54.42\00:14:55.82
to what they're saying.
00:14:55.86\00:14:57.23
And then when it's done,
00:14:57.29\00:14:58.63
they walk away
and say thank you.
00:14:58.66\00:15:00.06
For what, I
haven't done anything?
00:15:00.10\00:15:01.90
You didn't solve. You
didn't solve the problem.
00:15:01.93\00:15:03.26
It's worse for me,
00:15:03.30\00:15:04.63
'cause I have two
engineering degrees.
00:15:04.67\00:15:06.00
I have a bachelor's degree
00:15:06.03\00:15:07.37
and a master's
degree in engineering.
00:15:07.44\00:15:09.50
So I have a greater propensity,
00:15:09.54\00:15:12.44
probably than other men
00:15:12.47\00:15:14.88
to want to solve problems,
to want to design solutions.
00:15:14.91\00:15:19.08
So I got a double bend.
00:15:19.11\00:15:21.92
Maybe I can come and
take your appointment.
00:15:21.95\00:15:25.09
I think we all
need to get appointment.
00:15:25.12\00:15:28.72
Physician heal thyself.
00:15:28.76\00:15:31.96
Sure, sure, sure.
00:15:31.99\00:15:33.33
Let's go back to communication,
00:15:33.40\00:15:34.73
because I think this is,
00:15:34.73\00:15:36.06
you know, some of the crux of
00:15:36.10\00:15:37.63
sometimes we find
difficulty and find problems
00:15:37.67\00:15:39.93
where men communicate
differently than women,
00:15:40.00\00:15:42.30
of course.
00:15:42.34\00:15:43.67
And the basic example
is that in that times,
00:15:43.71\00:15:45.81
you know, the woman might say,
00:15:45.84\00:15:47.18
she may walk by the
trashcan or something and say,
00:15:47.24\00:15:50.41
"Wow, you know,
00:15:50.45\00:15:51.78
it's overflowing
today that, you know,
00:15:51.81\00:15:53.38
the garbage is
coming out the trashcan."
00:15:53.42\00:15:54.78
And we may say something like,
00:15:54.82\00:15:56.15
"Oh, it is, really?
That's more a clump."
00:15:56.18\00:15:58.45
And she clearly, you know,
00:15:58.49\00:16:00.59
communicated to, you know, to us
00:16:00.62\00:16:02.62
that, okay, hey, you
know, it's time to change it.
00:16:02.66\00:16:05.96
But why does that
happen and how do we...
00:16:05.99\00:16:09.70
And then you kind
of spoke about before,
00:16:09.73\00:16:11.07
you've got to be intentional
00:16:11.10\00:16:12.43
about trying to change
but help us understand,
00:16:12.47\00:16:14.50
you know, what can we do as men
00:16:14.54\00:16:16.40
knowing that we are
different than women?
00:16:16.44\00:16:20.48
Well, at a fundamental level,
00:16:20.51\00:16:24.08
we have to accept the fact
00:16:24.15\00:16:26.01
that we are
fundamentally different.
00:16:26.05\00:16:27.78
Okay.
00:16:27.82\00:16:29.15
The woman is not
behaving weird or funny,
00:16:29.18\00:16:33.66
she's different.
00:16:33.69\00:16:35.22
And so once we understand that,
00:16:35.26\00:16:37.33
then we've got to make
a conscious decision now,
00:16:37.36\00:16:40.43
what am I going to
do with her differences,
00:16:40.50\00:16:43.26
how am I going to tune in,
00:16:43.33\00:16:45.50
so that we can
complement each other.
00:16:45.53\00:16:49.04
And a huge part of that
00:16:49.07\00:16:51.24
is listening and
paying attention.
00:16:51.27\00:16:55.14
And the reason
why some men say that
00:16:55.18\00:16:57.41
their wives or
girlfriends are nags.
00:16:57.45\00:17:00.05
It is because they have to say
00:17:00.08\00:17:01.58
the same thing over
and over and over again,
00:17:01.62\00:17:04.95
because we are not listening.
00:17:04.99\00:17:07.99
We may hear what they're saying,
00:17:08.02\00:17:10.09
but we are not listening
to what they're saying.
00:17:10.16\00:17:12.89
And one good way
to kind of test that
00:17:12.93\00:17:15.53
is when, for instance,
00:17:15.56\00:17:18.43
oh, the trash is
overflowing today.
00:17:18.47\00:17:20.44
Whoa,
00:17:20.47\00:17:21.80
you know, we may think that
00:17:21.84\00:17:25.04
the wife is saying
take the trash out.
00:17:25.07\00:17:27.78
So, you know, immediately
00:17:27.81\00:17:29.14
we want to pick it
up and take it out.
00:17:29.18\00:17:31.61
The better thing to do is to,
00:17:31.65\00:17:34.25
you know,
respond, tell me some more.
00:17:34.32\00:17:36.02
You know, like,
00:17:36.05\00:17:37.39
what do you mean
it's overflowing?
00:17:37.42\00:17:39.12
You mean, it wasn't
overflowing last week.
00:17:39.15\00:17:41.36
You know, reflect
what they're asking
00:17:41.39\00:17:44.63
and try to tune
in to what they say
00:17:44.66\00:17:46.36
because they'll be talking about
00:17:46.39\00:17:47.73
something totally different.
00:17:47.76\00:17:49.06
Wow.
00:17:49.10\00:17:50.43
And you were totally clueless,
00:17:50.47\00:17:51.80
because you were hearing,
00:17:51.83\00:17:53.17
but you're not listening
to what they're saying.
00:17:53.20\00:17:55.70
Wow, wow.
00:17:55.74\00:17:57.07
I mean, as I listen to
that, I will find myself okay,
00:17:57.11\00:17:59.07
go and get it done.
00:17:59.11\00:18:00.51
You're right. Right, right.
00:18:00.54\00:18:01.88
'Cause that's what she wants,
but it'll be something else.
00:18:01.91\00:18:03.24
Right.
00:18:03.28\00:18:04.61
Oh, you know,
she may be thinking,
00:18:04.65\00:18:05.98
well, you know, the
trash is overflowing,
00:18:06.01\00:18:07.98
however
00:18:08.02\00:18:09.35
the laundry is more
important right now.
00:18:09.38\00:18:11.45
So I would prefer if
you help me with the laundry
00:18:11.49\00:18:14.46
and we can do the trash later,
00:18:14.49\00:18:16.76
because garbage day
is not until Thursday.
00:18:16.79\00:18:19.56
But we don't know that.
00:18:19.59\00:18:20.93
We assume we know
00:18:20.96\00:18:22.40
what she means by saying
that the trash is overflowing.
00:18:22.43\00:18:25.37
So we've got to
learn to listen more
00:18:25.40\00:18:27.47
and to ask questions.
00:18:27.54\00:18:29.20
Okay.
00:18:29.24\00:18:30.61
I think you're right,
being attentive is real big.
00:18:30.64\00:18:34.51
Recent experience
that just happened,
00:18:34.54\00:18:35.88
my wife comes in...
00:18:35.91\00:18:37.35
She left in the morning,
00:18:37.38\00:18:38.71
I stayed up late
00:18:38.75\00:18:40.08
to go drop off my son at school.
00:18:40.12\00:18:41.55
She comes in and,
00:18:41.58\00:18:42.95
you know, I'm
groggy, and she goes,
00:18:42.98\00:18:45.52
"The truck was empty."
00:18:45.55\00:18:48.06
"Okay. So did you fill it?"
00:18:48.09\00:18:51.83
"Yes, I did."
00:18:51.86\00:18:53.43
"So why are you telling me,
00:18:53.50\00:18:54.83
you know, you got
it done, didn't you?"
00:18:54.83\00:18:57.07
I have to be attentive,
00:18:57.13\00:18:58.50
I need you to take
care of these things.
00:18:58.53\00:19:00.30
These little things.
00:19:00.37\00:19:01.70
Check if my truck is empty,
00:19:01.74\00:19:03.37
you know, make sure
that it's filled up.
00:19:03.44\00:19:05.37
So when I leave in the morning,
00:19:05.41\00:19:06.91
I don't have to stop in the cold
00:19:06.94\00:19:08.28
and pick up and get that.
00:19:08.31\00:19:09.74
And then another thing is
00:19:09.78\00:19:11.31
when the dishes
need to be cleaned.
00:19:11.35\00:19:14.48
Oh, man, I need
to do the dishes.
00:19:14.52\00:19:17.12
So you go up and you
start doing the dishes.
00:19:17.15\00:19:18.52
And she says,
00:19:18.55\00:19:19.89
"Well, I don't need
you to do the dishes.
00:19:19.92\00:19:21.26
I'm doing it."
00:19:21.29\00:19:22.62
"Well, I thought you told me
00:19:22.66\00:19:23.99
'cause you wanted
me to do the dishes."
00:19:24.06\00:19:25.39
"No, I just wanted you
to be in the room with me."
00:19:25.43\00:19:27.23
Exactly.
00:19:27.30\00:19:28.63
So I mean,
00:19:28.66\00:19:30.00
it's just about
learning the opposite sex,
00:19:30.03\00:19:33.27
learning what are these cues
00:19:33.34\00:19:35.80
and learning
exactly what to look for.
00:19:35.84\00:19:38.17
Okay.
00:19:38.21\00:19:39.54
You know, one of
my favorite writers,
00:19:39.57\00:19:42.84
gospel writers,
00:19:42.88\00:19:44.65
lady by the name of Ellen White
00:19:44.68\00:19:46.92
wrote something that
was very powerful for me.
00:19:46.95\00:19:49.25
She said,
00:19:49.28\00:19:50.62
"We should not desire that
our spouses be more like us,
00:19:50.69\00:19:54.59
because if they were, we
would get along even less."
00:19:54.62\00:19:59.43
Wow.
00:19:59.46\00:20:00.80
So put two people
00:20:00.83\00:20:02.30
who want to
always do the same thing,
00:20:02.33\00:20:05.37
be the same thing to a
listener needs a talker,
00:20:05.40\00:20:08.87
a talker needs a listener,
00:20:08.90\00:20:11.51
someone who is very dependent
00:20:11.54\00:20:13.74
needs someone
who is independent,
00:20:13.78\00:20:15.91
you know, if you is dependent
as I am, I don't feel secure.
00:20:15.94\00:20:18.61
So what do I need with you?
00:20:18.65\00:20:20.22
But it's interesting,
00:20:20.28\00:20:21.62
'cause a lot of times
00:20:21.65\00:20:23.12
that will fools
us into thinking that
00:20:23.15\00:20:24.82
we actually need the
person to be more like us
00:20:24.85\00:20:27.99
in order for us to get along.
00:20:28.02\00:20:29.36
Well, the reality is
we're not consistent.
00:20:29.39\00:20:33.80
So if you and I are the same,
00:20:33.86\00:20:37.10
there's no guarantee that
we won't be in the same place
00:20:37.13\00:20:40.77
at any given point in time.
00:20:40.80\00:20:42.14
You know,
00:20:42.17\00:20:43.54
how often have you
been strong on an issue A
00:20:43.57\00:20:46.31
and then just flip on that
00:20:46.34\00:20:48.11
as you learn more
and live more like?
00:20:48.14\00:20:49.64
Well, that
person's trek through life
00:20:49.68\00:20:52.18
is not gonna be
exactly the same as yours.
00:20:52.21\00:20:54.25
So at some point in time
00:20:54.28\00:20:55.75
you're gonna find a sink anyway.
00:20:55.78\00:20:57.65
It's at that point
00:20:57.69\00:20:59.25
that the sameness
works against you.
00:20:59.29\00:21:01.96
So if you want long-term success
00:21:01.99\00:21:03.56
in your relationship,
00:21:03.63\00:21:04.96
you shouldn't
ask for your spouse
00:21:04.99\00:21:07.86
to be just like you.
00:21:07.93\00:21:09.23
That will be a
formula for catastrophe.
00:21:09.26\00:21:11.23
Wow. Absolutely.
00:21:11.27\00:21:12.67
I want to go back to
this dual processing issue
00:21:12.70\00:21:17.07
and how critical it is.
00:21:17.11\00:21:19.84
You know, as I mentioned before,
00:21:19.87\00:21:22.04
women are able
to kind of process
00:21:22.08\00:21:24.28
and retrieve information
from both hemispheres.
00:21:24.31\00:21:26.98
And us guys, you know, we
can barely hang on to one,
00:21:27.02\00:21:29.85
you know, we
have a standard joke,
00:21:29.88\00:21:31.85
if a guy is driving
and the radio is on,
00:21:31.89\00:21:34.26
and he gets lost,
00:21:34.29\00:21:35.62
what is the first
thing he has to do?
00:21:35.66\00:21:37.59
He has to turn
the radio down or off,
00:21:37.63\00:21:40.26
because he can't
attend to two stimuli,
00:21:40.30\00:21:43.60
two competing
stimuli at the same time.
00:21:43.63\00:21:46.70
And because of a woman's ability
00:21:46.77\00:21:48.37
to kind of multiprocess,
00:21:48.40\00:21:50.91
they have what
is called intuition,
00:21:50.94\00:21:54.58
better than what we
can ever hope to have.
00:21:54.61\00:21:57.68
And that's why
00:21:57.71\00:21:59.05
if you go shopping with
your wife or girlfriend,
00:21:59.08\00:22:02.28
and you walk into
a car dealership and,
00:22:02.32\00:22:05.62
you know, you're the guy,
you're the engineer, you know,
00:22:05.65\00:22:07.49
you know about cars
and whatever and whatever.
00:22:07.56\00:22:09.82
And, of course,
that's not her training,
00:22:09.86\00:22:11.96
but she may just say to you,
00:22:11.99\00:22:13.33
"You know what? No, no."
00:22:13.40\00:22:16.30
And then you may go,
00:22:16.33\00:22:17.67
"Why? It is a good deal.
00:22:17.70\00:22:19.03
Why?
00:22:19.07\00:22:20.40
You know, I'm the man, I
need to make this decision."
00:22:20.44\00:22:22.40
And she may say,
00:22:22.44\00:22:23.77
"You know what?
00:22:23.81\00:22:25.14
No, I don't have
a reason for it."
00:22:25.17\00:22:26.84
As guys, we need to
learn to tune into that.
00:22:26.88\00:22:29.18
Wow.
00:22:29.21\00:22:30.55
That is priceless. Wow.
00:22:30.61\00:22:31.95
That is priceless. That's true.
00:22:31.98\00:22:33.31
Definitely.
00:22:33.35\00:22:34.68
Yeah, it's how you throw
00:22:34.72\00:22:36.05
that feeling
just deep down inside.
00:22:36.08\00:22:37.42
She is picking up the
integrity of the selves.
00:22:37.45\00:22:38.79
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:22:38.82\00:22:42.66
You know what?
That is a blessing.
00:22:42.69\00:22:44.73
Because, you know, as
you said before, Brandon,
00:22:44.76\00:22:46.66
you know, we sometimes we want
to make someone just like us.
00:22:46.70\00:22:49.76
But as the Bible
clearly says again,
00:22:49.80\00:22:51.93
Genesis 1:27 that God
made us male and female.
00:22:51.97\00:22:56.37
Absolutely. He
made us different.
00:22:56.40\00:22:59.11
And our differences
really should be celebrated.
00:22:59.14\00:23:02.38
We should really look
at that in a good light
00:23:02.41\00:23:04.78
and as a blessing.
00:23:04.81\00:23:06.15
Speaking of, again, the
Bible, how does that translate,
00:23:06.18\00:23:09.12
how does that look,
you know, differences,
00:23:09.15\00:23:10.89
you know, as it
relates to spirituality,
00:23:10.92\00:23:12.82
and even the church?
00:23:12.85\00:23:14.89
We are different,
of course, men worship,
00:23:14.92\00:23:17.13
you know, a little bit
more, you know, reserved.
00:23:17.16\00:23:20.13
Sometimes when
they come to church,
00:23:20.20\00:23:21.50
sometimes we don't,
you know, cry as much.
00:23:21.53\00:23:23.93
How does that, you know,
00:23:23.97\00:23:25.83
work out as it
relates to our walk with God?
00:23:25.87\00:23:30.97
The man being
from Mars and women,
00:23:31.01\00:23:33.74
you know, as has
been said from Venus,
00:23:33.78\00:23:35.54
how does that relate?
00:23:35.58\00:23:36.91
Even as I try to look at
it for myself as a pastor,
00:23:36.95\00:23:39.88
you know, as I
communicate the gospel that,
00:23:39.91\00:23:41.98
you know, men are gonna
pick up on certain things,
00:23:42.02\00:23:44.42
as I communicate the gospel,
00:23:44.45\00:23:45.92
and women are gonna pick
up on other things, you know?
00:23:45.95\00:23:49.42
And the challenge that,
00:23:49.46\00:23:50.79
you know, as I'm
thinking right now,
00:23:50.83\00:23:52.16
how can I bring it together?
00:23:52.19\00:23:53.86
Sure.
00:23:53.90\00:23:55.20
You know, I think
it behooves you and us
00:23:55.23\00:23:58.07
to always try to
include both genders.
00:23:58.10\00:24:02.60
You know, within our
church or church tend
00:24:02.64\00:24:05.71
sometimes to be
more male dominated.
00:24:05.74\00:24:08.68
Okay.
00:24:08.71\00:24:10.05
And even in
church board meetings,
00:24:10.08\00:24:12.08
in building
committees, and planning,
00:24:12.11\00:24:14.92
and so on and so forth
00:24:14.95\00:24:16.69
we need to take a step back
00:24:16.72\00:24:18.65
and make certain
00:24:18.69\00:24:20.06
that we can
benefit from the difference
00:24:20.09\00:24:22.72
that a woman brings to the table
00:24:22.76\00:24:26.23
in terms of
planning the church service,
00:24:26.26\00:24:28.93
in terms of
organizing activities,
00:24:28.96\00:24:31.80
in terms of developing programs
00:24:31.83\00:24:35.54
for single people
00:24:35.57\00:24:36.91
or married people in the church.
00:24:36.97\00:24:39.27
We must make certain
00:24:39.31\00:24:40.64
that we have a very
balanced perspective.
00:24:40.68\00:24:42.84
Okay.
00:24:42.88\00:24:44.21
If not, we're gonna go wrong.
00:24:44.25\00:24:45.58
We're gonna make
some very bad mistakes.
00:24:45.61\00:24:46.98
Okay, okay.
00:24:47.02\00:24:48.75
I know, by nature,
I'm a strategic thinker,
00:24:48.78\00:24:52.45
a big picture,
strategic thinker.
00:24:52.49\00:24:54.99
All through my career
I've always had people
00:24:55.02\00:24:57.86
who can then
distill those ideas,
00:24:57.89\00:24:59.96
instruct to put them into
some real practical place.
00:25:00.06\00:25:04.20
My wife is an implementer.
00:25:04.27\00:25:06.97
She is a type of
personal coordinator
00:25:07.04\00:25:12.04
takes the dream
and brings it to life.
00:25:12.07\00:25:14.18
So you can imagine,
00:25:14.21\00:25:15.98
when we are able to
appreciate our differences
00:25:16.01\00:25:19.25
and work together,
particularly in ministry,
00:25:19.28\00:25:23.15
then God's ministry is
that much more effective.
00:25:23.18\00:25:26.89
Okay, okay, that's good.
00:25:26.96\00:25:28.96
That's good.
00:25:28.99\00:25:30.33
As we talk about, you know,
this difference that we have,
00:25:30.36\00:25:33.23
you know, men
thinking different,
00:25:33.26\00:25:35.13
men being emotionally different.
00:25:35.16\00:25:39.50
As we think about, you
know, our children as well,
00:25:39.53\00:25:41.87
as they grow up,
what can we tell,
00:25:41.90\00:25:44.41
you know, those who are growing,
00:25:44.44\00:25:47.38
you know, so that they
don't go down the same road
00:25:47.44\00:25:50.61
and make some of
the same mistakes
00:25:50.65\00:25:51.98
that we make as men now,
00:25:52.01\00:25:54.88
as relates to our differences?
00:25:54.92\00:25:57.35
You know, and we will
talk about domestic violence,
00:25:57.39\00:26:00.59
you know, we
will talk about abuse
00:26:00.62\00:26:02.29
later on in our broadcast,
00:26:02.32\00:26:04.56
but what can we say to our sons
00:26:04.59\00:26:06.63
and what can we
say to our daughters
00:26:06.66\00:26:08.40
is that, because
the person is different
00:26:08.43\00:26:11.97
or doesn't see eye-to-eye,
00:26:12.00\00:26:13.94
doesn't mean that
00:26:13.97\00:26:15.30
you have to impose
your will on that person,
00:26:15.34\00:26:18.14
doesn't mean that
you have to become
00:26:18.17\00:26:19.87
verbally aggressive,
00:26:19.91\00:26:21.84
doesn't mean that
you have to become
00:26:21.88\00:26:23.48
physically aggressive.
00:26:23.55\00:26:25.15
We need to mentor
them and teach them
00:26:25.18\00:26:26.85
to celebrate the differences.
00:26:26.92\00:26:28.95
You know, don't
teardown, build up,
00:26:28.98\00:26:31.72
you know,
celebrate those differences.
00:26:31.75\00:26:33.76
You know, that's good.
00:26:33.79\00:26:35.12
Because I think
that so many times
00:26:35.16\00:26:36.52
that we want to
put people in a box,
00:26:36.56\00:26:38.89
you know, men do
this, women do that.
00:26:38.93\00:26:41.23
And heard a
story about, you know,
00:26:41.26\00:26:44.30
a kid that was
coloring outside the lines
00:26:44.47\00:26:46.80
and he was coloring,
00:26:46.84\00:26:48.17
you know, all over the place.
00:26:48.20\00:26:49.64
And the teacher will
always tell him, you know,
00:26:49.67\00:26:51.17
listen, you know,
00:26:51.21\00:26:52.54
you have to do
it exactly this way,
00:26:52.57\00:26:54.14
stay within the box.
00:26:54.18\00:26:56.95
And the kid, now he
will listen to teacher,
00:26:57.01\00:26:58.41
but every now and then,
you know, he will go outside,
00:26:58.45\00:27:00.25
he enjoyed that.
00:27:00.28\00:27:01.88
And the point was is that
00:27:01.92\00:27:03.65
sometimes those who
color outside the box
00:27:03.72\00:27:07.49
are the most creative.
00:27:07.52\00:27:09.09
You know, they're
able to see things
00:27:09.12\00:27:10.96
from a different perspective.
00:27:10.99\00:27:12.49
And there's a man that
has maybe lived his life
00:27:12.53\00:27:14.93
outside of the box
00:27:14.93\00:27:16.80
where you have not, you know,
00:27:16.87\00:27:19.03
there's a difference
between the man and the woman,
00:27:19.07\00:27:20.74
you know, that
always done things
00:27:20.77\00:27:22.10
exactly the same
way as we said before,
00:27:22.14\00:27:24.01
because we are
different in God's eyesight.
00:27:24.04\00:27:26.44
We don't have to,
you know, be afraid,
00:27:26.47\00:27:28.98
but we do have
to be intentional,
00:27:29.01\00:27:30.65
though that we can
understand both sides
00:27:30.68\00:27:33.52
and be able to
operate at a level
00:27:33.55\00:27:35.85
that God would have us to.
00:27:35.88\00:27:37.49
And celebrate our differences.
00:27:37.52\00:27:39.12
Absolutely,
celebrate our differences.
00:27:39.15\00:27:40.59
Good.
00:27:40.66\00:27:41.99
We've about
just 20 seconds left.
00:27:42.02\00:27:43.36
Any last comment or
anything that you want to?
00:27:43.39\00:27:45.39
Well, my advice to all men
is let the strong one lead.
00:27:45.43\00:27:49.86
If your wife is different,
and better at something,
00:27:49.90\00:27:53.44
let her lead.
00:27:53.50\00:27:54.84
Wow, wow.
00:27:54.87\00:27:56.20
This has been
absolutely a great conversation.
00:27:56.24\00:27:58.94
I pray that you are
richly blessed from it.
00:27:58.97\00:28:00.84
I challenge you to be active
00:28:00.91\00:28:02.88
and to listen
00:28:02.91\00:28:04.28
and to know that
God will be with you
00:28:04.31\00:28:06.15
every step of the way.
00:28:06.18\00:28:07.55
Until next time For Guys Only,
00:28:07.58\00:28:09.18
I'm Pastor William Lee.
00:28:09.22\00:28:10.55
Thank you so much
for joining us on today.
00:28:10.62\00:28:12.19