Welcome to For Guys Only.
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A program that deals with topics
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specifically
targeted for the urban man.
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Today, we have a
very exciting topic.
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Today we're going
to look at why men run.
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Gentlemen, welcome once again.
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It's so good to see each
one of you all here today.
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Before we get into
our discussion today,
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I want to, as always,
begin with a word of prayer.
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And, Brandon,
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I'm going to ask you
to pray for us today.
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Sure, let's bow our heads.
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God in heaven,
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we thank You
for this opportunity
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to come together,
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to discuss very
important subjects
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that will be a
blessing to men everywhere.
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We just ask that You
bind us together in Thee,
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that all will be done
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by Thy name's
honor and glory, we pray.
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Amen. Amen.
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Amen.
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All right, Brandon.
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Let's kind of
introduce ourselves
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to our audience today.
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We'll start with you.
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Yes, my name is Brandon Dent.
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I am a retired auto executive
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and I'm running my
own marketing company now.
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And I'm also doing work at
my church as a local elder,
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and some work in the
community as a mentor
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for a program called Be Men.
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Married 27 years,
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2 grown sons and a
teenage daughter at home.
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Okay, good.
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Certainly.
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My name is Colin King,
I'm a clinical psychologist.
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I've been practicing
for the last 17 years.
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I have two wonderful children.
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And I'm married
to the same person.
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I am very active in my church,
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and I'm just
excited to be here today.
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All right, good.
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My name is Muta Mwenya,
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executive director
for Elijah 3 Ministries.
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Married, two children,
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and I'm also quite
involved in my church
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locally, working with the youth.
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Okay, good.
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And I'm Pastor William Lee,
of course, married seven years,
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two children, local
pastor, Lake Region Conference.
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Currently
pastoring at the Capital City
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Seventh-day Adventist church.
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All right, let's
kind of, you know,
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jump into our discussion
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by looking at
what the Bible says.
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I want to begin
with a text here.
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We kind of always begin
to see what God says first,
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as we go into our broadcast.
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Joshua 24:15,
the Bible says this,
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"If it seem evil unto
you to serve the Lord,
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choose you this
day, whom you will serve,
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whether the gods
which your father served
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that which were on the
other side of the flood,
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the gods of the Amorites,
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which were in
the land you dwell,"
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but it says,
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"But as for me and my
house, we will serve the Lord."
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We will serve the Lord.
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Our discussion is why men run.
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Why men run?
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And I kind of want to get
kind of a historical perspective
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on this question.
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And we're
specifically talking about
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why men run from responsibility,
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why men run from fatherhood,
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sometimes white men run
from financial responsibilities
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in all of the rest.
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So, Dr. King, you
can kind of give us
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a historical
perspective on this subject.
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Sure.
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When the black male
was taken from Africa
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he was brought over
for really two purposes.
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One was to work,
work, work, work,
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and more work and
also to procreate,
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to just to make children.
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As a matter of fact,
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the black male was taken
from plantation to plantation
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to breed children.
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And that act of making children
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and being
unaccountable for the upbringing
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has sort of trickled down
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or as float down
even down to today.
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And there's a lot of
financial, emotional,
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and social
implications for the black male
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who continues that
same habit of just running,
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making children all over,
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there's several
implications for that.
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Okay, okay.
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There's in our society today
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there is a need
for more fathers.
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I think it's easy
to be a baby's daddy,
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you know, we have a
whole lot of babies daddies
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but too few fathers.
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And we see in our society today
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that there is this
fatherlessness syndrome
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where as you just, you know,
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told sort of from
Africa where the, you know,
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the man was the breeder,
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you know, he worked and he bred,
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you know, provided children.
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Fatherlessness is something
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that is happening
over and over again,
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and it's really
devastating the black family,
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what can we do, you know,
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as men to promote fatherhood
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or to bring the
family back together again
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and build in that kind of vein
right there, fatherlessness,
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do you all see
a problem with it?
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And if so, let's
address it right now.
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Well, you know,
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let's look at the
financial implication.
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The more children you make,
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the more you become financially
responsible for them.
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So if you keep
making a number of children,
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boys and girls all over,
then you need to support them.
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And how is that even possible?
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Currently, we have
about 38% of children,
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black children, that is,
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who grow up in
dual parent homes.
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So therefore,
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we've got about
62% of black children
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who grow up in
single parent homes,
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and they're mostly
raised by their mothers.
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And if the mother
doesn't have a viable job,
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then she cannot take care
of the needs of her children.
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And if the black male
keeps making these children,
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and he cannot take care of them,
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and they cannot
take care of themselves,
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then this whole idea of being
dependent on social services,
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dependent on others
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is just perpetuated from
generation to generation.
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So I think it's important for us
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to kind of stop and take stock
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and look at the issue
and see how we can fix it.
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Okay. Okay.
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Yeah.
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I'm a big
proponent of education.
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Education, education, education,
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and the right
education at the right time.
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A lot of times, we
were closing the barn door,
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as they say,
after the horse is gone.
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Okay.
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What I've noticed
in mainstream society,
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if they find out that
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they're starting to
have a systemic problem,
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they will find out
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what the grassroots
education element is
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and apply that.
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So they'll go into
elementary schools,
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they'll start
changing curriculums,
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they will have movements
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that church
groups and youth groups
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can latch on to and
make the message pervasive.
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So I think this message
has to start being taught
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and addressed in programs
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such as the kind
that you deal with, Muta,
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because you're dealing
and engaged with young people
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early on in mentoring
programs that I'm involved in,
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perhaps clients that you have
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that are coming
in at a young age
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and are dealing with
issues, emotional issues,
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that are just an
outgrowth of the circumstance.
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I think we try to look
at a more comprehensive
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and pervasive and systematic way
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of starting,
getting the education going.
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And then from there,
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you can
certainly have some fruit.
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Okay, okay.
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Education, that's good.
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Muta, from your
perspective as well,
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especially in the ministry
that you're dealing with,
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you know, do you
see a lot of children
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that are coming from,
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as Dr. King said, from
single parent households,
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and what's some
of the implications
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that you've seen
there if that's so?
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Definitely,
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I would say about
90% of the young people
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that come through our programs
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or anything that
we're working on,
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or coming from
single parent homes,
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or dual parent homes,
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where the father may
still be in their life
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in some way, shape, or form,
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but they don't see them
the majority of the time.
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I'll agree with
Brandon, I think it's education.
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It's really important.
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One thing that I believe is
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the ages 14 to 18 is
a very integral point
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in somebody's life,
especially young men.
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And what we try to
do is make sure that
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I take, for
example, again, I have a son,
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I make sure these young
men see me around my son,
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and I carry my son,
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to do things with them
so that they understand
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this is what a
father does, you know,
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it's really effective.
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The major effect
that I've seen is
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when it comes to church
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and the relationship
with spirituality is
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they don't know
how to navigate that.
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When we're speaking about
God as the Father and, you know,
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He's your Heavenly Father.
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They don't know
what a father is.
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So attaching to this being,
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which is also not
present visually, it's...
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This just reminds me of
my dad, he's not around.
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So why do I have to,
you know, worship him?
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He's not around, he's
not in front of my face.
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I need him right here.
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So that's what I always say.
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You know, Muta,
that's an excellent point.
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Some of the things
that I was thinking about
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when this subject came up
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was the fact that
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the devil has put
some special effort
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on destroying the
image of the father
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because it does
make it difficult for us
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to conceptualize
a Heavenly Father.
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And He is very
insidious and very subtle
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but very impactful
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in trying to dismantle,
right, the love, the image,
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the value of
God to His children.
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That's good.
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That's powerful.
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So what happens when
the man is not in home,
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kids tend to drop out
of high school faster,
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they tend to get involved
in gang type activities,
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they tend to be
defined to the authorities
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as well as to their mothers.
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So there's a lot of implications
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when the male is absent.
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Oh, you know, Dr. King,
from a clinical, you know,
00:10:41.47\00:10:44.24
psychologist standpoint,
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and of course, not sharing
all the intimate details,
00:10:46.51\00:10:48.84
but of course,
00:10:48.88\00:10:50.41
do you see people, you know,
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it may be in the
office or just, you know,
00:10:52.58\00:10:54.05
society that are
dealing with these issues,
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especially men
of fatherlessness,
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whether it is the
man is just not there,
00:10:59.79\00:11:01.26
and I want you
00:11:01.29\00:11:02.62
to kind of break
that down a little bit,
00:11:02.66\00:11:04.03
drill down a
little bit deeper into,
00:11:04.06\00:11:06.16
you know, some of the effects,
00:11:06.19\00:11:07.50
especially as it
relates to the law.
00:11:07.60\00:11:09.43
You know, men have
problems with the law,
00:11:09.46\00:11:11.43
even again with other
women, how they treat them.
00:11:11.47\00:11:15.57
Sure, sure.
00:11:15.60\00:11:16.97
When the man is not in the home,
00:11:17.01\00:11:19.31
especially for our boys,
00:11:19.34\00:11:20.94
so there is no mentoring,
there is no spiritual buttress,
00:11:20.98\00:11:26.82
and so as a result,
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we have maybe
about 6% to 5% of boys
00:11:28.25\00:11:32.05
who drop out of high school,
00:11:32.09\00:11:34.26
who want to become involved
00:11:34.29\00:11:35.79
with the law in
some way, shape, or form
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because daddy is not in home.
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Incidents of
abuse, domestic abuse,
00:11:41.43\00:11:45.00
violence against women
00:11:45.03\00:11:47.17
tend to increase
when daddy's not in a home
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because there's now
little respect for mom
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or for my sister.
00:11:54.21\00:11:55.84
And even if there is,
what can they do, you know,
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there is nothing
that they can do to me
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because I maybe 15 or 16,
00:12:00.52\00:12:03.79
but I see myself as a grown man.
00:12:03.82\00:12:06.05
And so we see an
increase in violence
00:12:06.09\00:12:09.29
and increase in abuse,
00:12:09.32\00:12:11.46
an increase in legal issues.
00:12:11.49\00:12:14.83
Higher incidents,
as I mentioned before,
00:12:14.83\00:12:17.23
substance abuse,
and then depression,
00:12:17.27\00:12:20.60
and then it just
begins to go into that cycle
00:12:20.64\00:12:23.77
that is never ending,
00:12:23.81\00:12:25.14
and then these boys now
tend to make babies faster
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and earlier at an alarming rate,
00:12:29.64\00:12:32.35
and they
perpetuate that same cycle
00:12:32.38\00:12:34.68
over and over and over again.
00:12:34.72\00:12:36.89
Wow, wow.
00:12:36.95\00:12:38.29
You know, as I sit
here listening to this,
00:12:38.32\00:12:39.82
I had said the thing to myself,
well, how blessed, you know,
00:12:39.85\00:12:42.49
that I really am,
00:12:42.52\00:12:43.89
to have a father
and a mother in a home,
00:12:43.93\00:12:46.33
you know, as I was growing up.
00:12:46.36\00:12:47.93
I can recall,
00:12:47.96\00:12:49.80
my bedroom was right
next to the driveway,
00:12:49.83\00:12:54.57
and at night, you know,
00:12:54.60\00:12:56.20
with my mother there
00:12:56.24\00:12:57.57
and my brother in
the house as well,
00:12:57.61\00:12:59.04
but when my father was
working, providing for us,
00:12:59.07\00:13:02.21
my bedroom being
right next to the driveway,
00:13:02.24\00:13:05.61
when my father parked his car,
00:13:05.65\00:13:07.32
I would sense this type of void,
00:13:07.35\00:13:10.19
you know, that I
don't even know what it was,
00:13:10.22\00:13:12.19
you know, growing up, I
was just, you know, saying,
00:13:12.22\00:13:14.06
"You know what, boy, you know,
00:13:14.09\00:13:15.49
when would that car
pull into the driveway"
00:13:15.52\00:13:17.43
type of thing.
00:13:17.46\00:13:18.79
And then when the car finally
did pull into the driveway
00:13:18.83\00:13:21.60
and I can hear my father,
00:13:21.63\00:13:23.00
you know, knowing
there's my father coming in,
00:13:23.03\00:13:25.27
I mean, I can go to sleep now.
00:13:25.30\00:13:27.34
I can rest now
because dad is home.
00:13:27.40\00:13:31.24
I felt secure,
you know, I felt like,
00:13:31.27\00:13:33.14
"You know what, okay,
00:13:33.17\00:13:34.51
everything's
gonna be all right."
00:13:34.54\00:13:36.01
And now I can look
back on that I can say,
00:13:36.04\00:13:38.18
you know what,
there's something to this,
00:13:38.21\00:13:40.62
you know, even as
a father right now
00:13:40.68\00:13:42.55
that I recognize
that I gotta be there,
00:13:42.58\00:13:44.75
you know, for my sons as well,
00:13:44.79\00:13:46.65
you know, they're very young,
00:13:46.72\00:13:48.06
but I got to make
sure that I'm there,
00:13:48.09\00:13:49.59
you know, from the start.
00:13:49.62\00:13:51.23
But let's kind of, you know,
talk a little bit of father,
00:13:51.26\00:13:53.86
you know, there
are some boys right now
00:13:53.90\00:13:55.86
that are feeling like I felt,
00:13:55.90\00:13:57.50
you know, they
don't feel secure,
00:13:57.53\00:13:59.37
they don't feel as if, you know,
00:13:59.40\00:14:02.30
dad is ever going to
come in the driveway.
00:14:02.34\00:14:03.94
And a lot of times, reality
is, as we already been saying,
00:14:04.01\00:14:05.87
dad never comes in the driveway.
00:14:05.91\00:14:08.54
I mean, he's just
absolutely absent.
00:14:08.58\00:14:10.55
So how does that, you know,
affect our men as leaders then,
00:14:10.58\00:14:16.08
you know, as the leadership role
00:14:16.12\00:14:17.49
because I mean
God has called us,
00:14:17.52\00:14:19.85
you know, to
step up to the plate,
00:14:19.89\00:14:21.96
not to run from
our responsibilities.
00:14:21.99\00:14:24.03
How does that affect us
00:14:24.06\00:14:25.39
from the
leadership side of things,
00:14:25.43\00:14:27.10
even leadership in your
family or leadership at work
00:14:27.13\00:14:29.70
or wherever it is?
00:14:29.73\00:14:32.27
Well, as a leader,
particularly in the church,
00:14:32.30\00:14:38.07
and you have to
be careful with this
00:14:38.11\00:14:39.67
because it's not
like it used to be.
00:14:39.71\00:14:41.11
When I was a kid, any
man could lay hands on me.
00:14:41.14\00:14:45.05
Yeah.
00:14:45.08\00:14:46.41
If it was like the fathers
and the mothers of the church
00:14:52.25\00:14:56.36
had an understanding, a
system, if you see him...
00:14:56.39\00:15:00.83
And then, you know,
it was double jeopardy
00:15:00.86\00:15:02.16
because if you
had to be punished
00:15:02.20\00:15:05.30
by someone else,
00:15:05.33\00:15:07.44
they were going to
come and tell my parents.
00:15:07.47\00:15:10.01
And then when I got home
I was going to get it again.
00:15:10.04\00:15:13.11
So it was double jeopardy.
00:15:13.14\00:15:15.74
So we have to be
careful with that.
00:15:15.78\00:15:17.15
But I still
think we have a spirit
00:15:17.18\00:15:19.18
and responsibility in the church
00:15:19.21\00:15:21.75
to reach out,
to educate in love,
00:15:21.78\00:15:24.22
to correct in love,
00:15:24.29\00:15:25.72
to communicate to others
00:15:25.75\00:15:27.36
who might be
responsible for a child
00:15:27.39\00:15:29.36
who might be
having some concerns,
00:15:29.39\00:15:31.46
to plug ourselves
into various ministries
00:15:31.49\00:15:33.83
and to youth
ministries, AY, Pathfinders,
00:15:33.90\00:15:37.43
and you don't always have to be
officially a part of the team,
00:15:37.47\00:15:40.40
any church ministry I know
will gladly welcome volunteers.
00:15:40.44\00:15:44.94
Now break that
down a little bit,
00:15:44.97\00:15:46.31
drill down because you
just use a couple words,
00:15:46.34\00:15:47.68
you said AY, and
you said Pathfinders,
00:15:47.71\00:15:50.31
explain to us because
there might be someone that's,
00:15:50.35\00:15:52.11
you know, not
familiar with that.
00:15:52.15\00:15:53.48
Yeah, I'm talking
about specific programs that
00:15:53.52\00:15:57.19
that may not be a
part of all denominations.
00:15:57.25\00:15:59.82
But there is a denomination,
00:15:59.85\00:16:02.06
it's a Seventh-day
Adventist denomination
00:16:02.09\00:16:03.69
that has a program
called Pathfinders.
00:16:03.76\00:16:06.06
It is a youth
scouting and leadership program
00:16:06.09\00:16:09.53
where young people earn honors.
00:16:09.56\00:16:12.57
They learn
marching and drilling,
00:16:12.60\00:16:14.27
most of all, they learn
to build their characters,
00:16:14.30\00:16:17.77
and to help
finish the work of God
00:16:17.81\00:16:20.21
in this generation.
00:16:20.28\00:16:22.21
AY is actually
a specific program
00:16:22.24\00:16:23.95
called Adventist Youth Society.
00:16:23.98\00:16:26.48
And it's special programming
00:16:26.51\00:16:28.75
that goes on in the
afternoons on Saturday evenings,
00:16:28.78\00:16:33.29
Sabbath evening we call it,
00:16:33.36\00:16:35.22
and it just provides
enrichment programming
00:16:35.26\00:16:39.29
for our young people.
00:16:39.33\00:16:40.70
And you don't have
to call it these things.
00:16:40.73\00:16:42.86
You can do these
programs in your church,
00:16:42.90\00:16:45.43
in your communities,
where you find yourself.
00:16:45.47\00:16:47.74
So what Brandon is
saying, and, you know,
00:16:47.77\00:16:49.97
I wholeheartedly agree
that it takes a village,
00:16:50.01\00:16:53.38
it takes a
village to fill that void.
00:16:53.44\00:16:56.91
Two very quick examples.
00:16:56.95\00:16:59.35
I have a friend of the family,
00:16:59.38\00:17:01.78
we call her the Facebook police
00:17:01.82\00:17:03.82
because in this day
and age of Facebook,
00:17:03.85\00:17:06.72
and Twitter and MySpace,
00:17:06.79\00:17:09.56
if parents are
not able to monitor
00:17:09.59\00:17:11.89
the activities of
your children online,
00:17:11.93\00:17:14.20
we need someone to do it for us.
00:17:14.23\00:17:15.96
So my friend was
a Facebook police,
00:17:16.00\00:17:17.80
if he sees
something on Facebook,
00:17:17.83\00:17:20.24
she will call me and tell me
00:17:20.27\00:17:21.64
or she'll call
the mom and tell her.
00:17:21.67\00:17:24.11
And if that child,
00:17:24.14\00:17:26.61
you know, I'm not
sure how they do it,
00:17:26.68\00:17:28.14
but if they remove
her from their contact,
00:17:28.18\00:17:30.35
she calls them,
and she says to them,
00:17:30.38\00:17:32.28
"Put me back,
put me on contact."
00:17:32.31\00:17:35.32
So it takes a village.
00:17:35.35\00:17:36.79
A friend of mine,
00:17:36.82\00:17:38.15
I saw his daughter
who's a new driver,
00:17:38.19\00:17:40.56
you know, I thought I knew that
00:17:40.59\00:17:42.02
she was not supposed to
be driving with friends.
00:17:42.06\00:17:44.39
So I saw her in
a car with friends.
00:17:44.43\00:17:46.80
And I called her and I said,
00:17:46.83\00:17:49.40
"I'm gonna tell your
dad. I'm not snitching on you.
00:17:49.43\00:17:53.17
But you know that
you're not supposed
00:17:53.20\00:17:54.60
to be driving with
friends in your car
00:17:54.64\00:17:56.17
because you're a new driver."
00:17:56.20\00:17:57.77
And so I called him and told him
00:17:57.81\00:17:59.14
and she got in trouble.
00:17:59.17\00:18:00.61
So I'm looking
out for his daughter.
00:18:00.64\00:18:02.88
So we need to step up
00:18:02.91\00:18:04.61
and begin to parent children
00:18:04.65\00:18:06.78
who are not
necessarily our children.
00:18:06.85\00:18:09.05
Okay.
00:18:09.08\00:18:10.52
I love that.
00:18:10.55\00:18:11.89
I love that
concept that you said,
00:18:11.92\00:18:13.39
that you just shared that
00:18:13.42\00:18:14.76
it kind of says that we
are our brother's keeper.
00:18:14.79\00:18:16.96
Absolutely.
00:18:16.99\00:18:18.33
We got to look
out for each other
00:18:18.36\00:18:19.69
and that's what
I really think that
00:18:19.73\00:18:21.76
if manhood and if black men
00:18:21.80\00:18:24.77
are really going to be
what God calls us to be
00:18:24.80\00:18:26.84
"Hey, I'll look
out for you, man."
00:18:26.87\00:18:28.20
If you're falling,
00:18:28.24\00:18:29.57
if you're slipping, I gotta say,
00:18:29.60\00:18:30.94
"Hey, Muta, come on, man,
00:18:30.97\00:18:32.31
you know, let's do it the way
that God wants it to be done."
00:18:32.34\00:18:34.74
I think that means a whole lot
if we look out for each other.
00:18:34.78\00:18:37.15
It takes a village. Yeah.
00:18:37.18\00:18:38.65
That's key.
00:18:38.68\00:18:40.02
What about, you know,
for instance, you know,
00:18:40.05\00:18:41.65
men run from their
home responsibilities
00:18:41.68\00:18:44.65
sometimes, for instance,
00:18:44.69\00:18:46.65
you know, we're all married
00:18:46.69\00:18:48.09
and, you know, our wives,
00:18:48.12\00:18:49.89
you know, have things
that they want us to do.
00:18:49.92\00:18:53.33
You know, or even, you know,
the guys not married, you know,
00:18:53.40\00:18:56.33
they are supposed to
be watching us right now,
00:18:56.36\00:18:57.70
even their girlfriend, you know,
00:18:57.73\00:18:59.07
they have some responsibilities.
00:18:59.10\00:19:00.67
You know, what happens
00:19:00.70\00:19:02.04
when we don't meet those
responsibilities at home,
00:19:02.07\00:19:05.01
especially with our wives
or even with our girlfriends
00:19:05.04\00:19:08.41
we've been with.
00:19:08.44\00:19:09.98
Running is easy.
00:19:10.01\00:19:11.91
You know, you can
shirk the responsibilities
00:19:11.95\00:19:15.98
and that is the easy way out.
00:19:16.02\00:19:19.52
So what happens?
00:19:19.55\00:19:21.09
Relationships
falter, problems surface,
00:19:21.12\00:19:26.53
disagreement, anger, discord.
00:19:26.56\00:19:31.97
So running has its consequences.
00:19:32.00\00:19:34.50
And we need to be aware of that.
00:19:34.54\00:19:35.87
If I'm going to run,
00:19:35.90\00:19:37.24
I need to be able to
deal with the consequences.
00:19:37.31\00:19:39.31
And a lot of times,
00:19:39.34\00:19:40.68
we are not prepared to
deal with the consequences.
00:19:40.71\00:19:43.45
So we've got to
face up, own up, man up,
00:19:43.48\00:19:47.55
and start addressing the
issues as to why we're running.
00:19:47.62\00:19:51.12
You know, this
comes full circle because,
00:19:51.15\00:19:54.42
you know, we talked about
in a previous episode about
00:19:54.46\00:19:57.16
"Adam, where are you?"
00:19:57.23\00:19:58.56
And this whole question of,
you know, God looking for Adam,
00:19:58.59\00:20:01.20
but God knows where Adam
is, you know, geographically,
00:20:01.23\00:20:04.67
but He knows that
spiritually as well.
00:20:04.70\00:20:06.74
And the reality
is, it's been said for,
00:20:06.80\00:20:08.24
"You can run
but you can't hide."
00:20:08.27\00:20:11.37
Eventually, these
things are going to come back
00:20:11.41\00:20:13.84
and to haunt us, if we
don't really do it well.
00:20:13.88\00:20:17.91
You know, one of
those consequences
00:20:17.95\00:20:21.08
as Dr. King was
sort of talking about
00:20:21.12\00:20:24.35
wanting to or needing to
be aware of the consequences
00:20:24.39\00:20:28.99
because we make decisions
00:20:29.02\00:20:31.96
based on our understanding
of the consequences.
00:20:31.99\00:20:35.30
So when you don't
understand the consequences,
00:20:35.33\00:20:37.50
you make that
decision more loosely.
00:20:37.53\00:20:39.77
One of the
consequences is divorce,
00:20:39.80\00:20:42.74
not taking care
of responsibilities.
00:20:42.77\00:20:46.27
Taking out the trash,
00:20:46.31\00:20:47.64
keeping the wife's
car in good running order,
00:20:47.68\00:20:51.81
paying something on time,
00:20:51.85\00:20:53.65
you know, when we
don't do these things,
00:20:53.68\00:20:57.42
then there are consequences,
00:20:57.45\00:20:59.65
major inconveniences
sometimes, a car breaks down.
00:20:59.69\00:21:03.53
And now somebody's got
to come up with extra money.
00:21:03.56\00:21:06.19
And that's one of the
top 10 reasons for divorce,
00:21:06.23\00:21:10.17
someone
perpetually living with someone
00:21:10.23\00:21:12.93
who is so irresponsible
that it makes life unlivable.
00:21:12.97\00:21:16.77
One of the top 10 reasons. Wow.
00:21:16.81\00:21:18.84
I'll say something
to piggyback off of
00:21:18.87\00:21:22.61
what everybody's
saying is security.
00:21:22.64\00:21:26.88
I was taught growing up, I
too had a father in the home,
00:21:26.92\00:21:30.39
which I'm so
happy about, you know,
00:21:30.45\00:21:32.45
it helped me out a whole lot,
00:21:32.49\00:21:34.56
gave me a step up
where others didn't have,
00:21:34.59\00:21:36.89
but the security a woman needs.
00:21:36.93\00:21:41.46
And what her view
of a man is after that.
00:21:41.50\00:21:46.10
So if men don't do
some of these small things,
00:21:46.13\00:21:50.17
insignificant,
as we may see them,
00:21:50.24\00:21:54.11
there is that security blanket
00:21:54.14\00:21:56.31
that's starting
to become removed
00:21:56.34\00:21:57.95
and say you're not
willing to take care of me.
00:21:57.98\00:22:00.82
And now the lady's view
of the man is distorted.
00:22:00.85\00:22:06.59
I have to take care of business
'cause men don't step up.
00:22:06.62\00:22:10.53
And that's why we
have so many women,
00:22:10.56\00:22:12.46
angry black women
who are mad at the men
00:22:12.49\00:22:15.23
because these small things
00:22:15.26\00:22:16.87
that we think
are so insignificant,
00:22:16.93\00:22:19.07
actually have greater impact,
00:22:19.10\00:22:21.47
and security is a
major thing that I see.
00:22:21.50\00:22:23.67
Okay.
00:22:23.71\00:22:25.04
Yeah, I couldn't agree more
00:22:25.07\00:22:27.34
because the small
things turn into big things.
00:22:27.38\00:22:31.05
And, you know, as
Brandon quite rightly said,
00:22:31.08\00:22:33.58
it's 1 of the top
10 reasons for divorce.
00:22:33.62\00:22:36.25
As a matter of fact,
00:22:36.28\00:22:37.62
the best predictor
of divorce is contempt.
00:22:37.65\00:22:40.82
Not necessarily
anger but contempt.
00:22:40.86\00:22:43.49
And contempt comes about
as a result of little things
00:22:43.53\00:22:47.50
just adding up over
time, not taking out the trash,
00:22:47.56\00:22:50.80
not taking the car to
get a carwash, oil change,
00:22:50.83\00:22:55.94
not making the bed,
leaving your clothes all over,
00:22:55.97\00:23:00.88
pay your bill on time.
00:23:00.91\00:23:02.41
After a while,
00:23:02.44\00:23:03.78
that person becomes
very, very contemptuous.
00:23:03.85\00:23:06.05
And that is the best predictor
of a divorce, contempt.
00:23:06.08\00:23:09.72
Okay, okay.
00:23:09.75\00:23:11.09
You know, we called this program
00:23:11.12\00:23:13.05
Why Men Run?
00:23:13.09\00:23:14.42
And, you know, we
don't want men to run.
00:23:14.46\00:23:16.56
That's what we're talking about.
00:23:16.59\00:23:18.43
We want men to stand up.
00:23:18.46\00:23:20.50
And as, you know,
Joshua 24:15, says,
00:23:20.53\00:23:23.67
"As for me and my house, "
00:23:23.73\00:23:25.67
I mean, "we are
going to serve the Lord."
00:23:25.70\00:23:29.10
You know, guys, in the
moments that we have left today,
00:23:29.14\00:23:32.21
kind of share a little bit,
00:23:32.24\00:23:33.58
some of the things that
you have made up your mind
00:23:33.64\00:23:36.11
that, you know,
whether it was consciously,
00:23:36.14\00:23:37.98
you know, or some things
that's in your subconscious
00:23:38.01\00:23:40.18
that you say,
00:23:40.22\00:23:41.55
"You know what, I'm going to do,
00:23:41.58\00:23:42.92
because I don't
want my family to suffer
00:23:42.95\00:23:45.29
or I'm going to do this because
00:23:45.32\00:23:46.65
I want to be
pleasing in God's sight."
00:23:46.72\00:23:49.26
What were some
of those decisions
00:23:49.29\00:23:50.99
that you made along the way
00:23:51.03\00:23:53.56
that caused you not to run
from your responsibilities?
00:23:53.60\00:23:58.47
Well, you know, I
realized very soon that
00:23:58.50\00:24:01.74
I don't have to be perfect.
00:24:01.77\00:24:03.74
I will never be
perfect, but I have to be real.
00:24:03.81\00:24:07.71
And so when I
stumble, when I make a mistake,
00:24:07.74\00:24:11.65
I know that I
can pick myself up,
00:24:11.68\00:24:14.05
I can dust myself
off, and I can try again.
00:24:14.12\00:24:17.59
And so just knowing
that has given me hope
00:24:17.62\00:24:21.19
and has given me the momentum
00:24:21.22\00:24:22.66
that I needed to
kind of keep on moving.
00:24:22.69\00:24:25.36
That's
powerful. That's powerful.
00:24:25.39\00:24:27.40
Yeah, my dad used to say,
00:24:27.40\00:24:28.73
"Son, if you want
your marriage to last,
00:24:28.76\00:24:33.34
don't get divorced."
00:24:33.40\00:24:35.94
Don't get divorced.
00:24:35.97\00:24:37.31
And so just extending
what Dr. King said here.
00:24:37.37\00:24:42.34
I had to get out of thinking
00:24:42.38\00:24:44.55
that my situation
had to be perfect,
00:24:44.58\00:24:46.68
that my wife had to measure up,
00:24:46.72\00:24:48.32
that my kids had
to measure up to this.
00:24:48.35\00:24:50.95
And so if they didn't,
00:24:50.99\00:24:52.92
I would get frustrated
and be more apt to take off.
00:24:52.95\00:24:58.53
But first of all,
00:24:58.56\00:25:00.26
I got my father here saying
00:25:00.33\00:25:02.83
none of this
other stuff matters,
00:25:02.86\00:25:04.63
what matters is the decision.
00:25:04.67\00:25:06.94
Don't make that decision
00:25:06.97\00:25:08.30
if that's not
the outcome you want.
00:25:08.34\00:25:10.24
And don't let a
non-perfect situation
00:25:10.31\00:25:12.61
'cause that's all situations,
00:25:12.64\00:25:14.58
be the thing that
pushes you in that direction.
00:25:14.61\00:25:17.48
Wow, okay.
00:25:17.55\00:25:19.28
I will say,
00:25:19.31\00:25:20.95
the decision that I
think is most significant to me
00:25:20.98\00:25:23.59
is not to lie to my wife.
00:25:23.62\00:25:26.79
And this goes beyond
what we may think of it.
00:25:26.86\00:25:30.93
But even when I'm weak,
00:25:30.96\00:25:33.60
I cannot act as
if nothing's wrong.
00:25:33.63\00:25:38.10
My wife has to
know for we believe,
00:25:38.13\00:25:42.00
as men we grew up
thinking weakness is unmanly.
00:25:42.04\00:25:46.41
But no, I think
lying is unmanly.
00:25:46.44\00:25:48.98
Okay.
00:25:49.01\00:25:50.35
I think we have to step
up to responsibility and say,
00:25:50.41\00:25:52.98
"Hey, you know, babe,
00:25:53.01\00:25:54.98
I'm weak at this
point in time, you know,
00:25:55.02\00:25:57.05
things are a little rough,
00:25:57.09\00:25:58.99
but I will stand
and do what I need to do
00:25:59.02\00:26:04.66
if you'll stand with me,"
00:26:04.69\00:26:06.63
or I'll just stand if I have to,
00:26:06.66\00:26:09.46
you know, by my
myself, but yeah.
00:26:09.50\00:26:12.03
That's a good word.
00:26:12.07\00:26:13.44
That's a good word, to
stand, to stand no matter what.
00:26:13.47\00:26:16.30
I'm gonna wrap it up, you
know, in this last minute.
00:26:16.34\00:26:19.24
And, you know,
00:26:19.27\00:26:20.61
I really want the man
00:26:20.68\00:26:22.31
that's listening to us right now
00:26:22.34\00:26:24.05
or even the woman
00:26:24.08\00:26:25.41
that's
listening to us right now,
00:26:25.45\00:26:26.92
to understand that,
00:26:26.95\00:26:28.42
with God, all
things are possible
00:26:28.45\00:26:31.42
that well, you know, we
have responsibilities that,
00:26:31.45\00:26:34.49
you know, drag us this way,
00:26:34.52\00:26:35.89
or take us this
way or the other.
00:26:35.92\00:26:38.03
When God becomes
our top priority,
00:26:38.06\00:26:41.20
we want to make God
really as the Bible says,
00:26:41.23\00:26:44.87
"Seek ye first
the kingdom of God
00:26:44.90\00:26:47.00
in all of His righteousness."
00:26:47.04\00:26:48.40
The Bible says
that all these things
00:26:48.44\00:26:50.94
shall be added on to us.
00:26:50.97\00:26:53.74
My friend, my
brother, who's listening,
00:26:53.78\00:26:56.38
I really want you
to seek God first.
00:26:56.41\00:26:58.68
I really want you to
surrender yourself to God,
00:26:58.71\00:27:02.05
even if there was
not a father in the home.
00:27:02.08\00:27:04.22
The Bible says that
00:27:04.25\00:27:05.59
God really will be a
father to the fatherless.
00:27:05.62\00:27:08.42
He'll build you up,
He'll give you the confidence,
00:27:08.46\00:27:10.69
He'll give the assurance,
00:27:10.76\00:27:12.09
you will recognize that
you are more than a conqueror
00:27:12.13\00:27:15.40
when Jesus Christ
comes into your life.
00:27:15.43\00:27:18.40
So, my brother, hang in there.
00:27:18.43\00:27:20.24
It's gonna be alright
00:27:20.27\00:27:21.60
when you put your hand
in the hand of our God.
00:27:21.64\00:27:24.61
Hey, until next time,
00:27:24.64\00:27:26.47
I'm Pastor William Lee,
00:27:26.51\00:27:27.84
and my co-hosts today,
00:27:27.88\00:27:29.21
I appreciate you
all and I thank you all.
00:27:29.24\00:27:30.58
Let's continue to
stand strong in the Lord.
00:27:30.65\00:27:32.75
Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:27:32.78\00:27:34.35