With each new day families
are failing, homes are broken.
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Marriages are
threatened, fathers are absent.
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Children are
rebellious but all is not lost.
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Homes can be healed
and hearts can be mended.
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Let's reclaim our
Families 4 Heaven.
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Thank you for
watching Families 4 Heaven.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and
my co-host is June Smith.
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we're discussing Self-efficacy,
Understanding Who I Am.
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It is critical and extremely
important that every child,
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grow up with a
strong image of themselves.
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The child as they develop is
endorsed and affirmed by their
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parents, their teachers, their
caregivers, and they begin to
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understand what their strengths
are, what their limitations are,
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and that allows
them to build confidence.
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In order for a child to
feel secure and to achieve their
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ultimate development, they must
understand what their strengths
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are, what their limitations are,
in other words, they must be
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able to answer the
question, who am I?
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That is so true, unfortunately
there are many individuals
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professionals, and non-
professionals who do not
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have a healthy self-esteem.
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They haven't
developed Self-efficacy.
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There are some causative factors
and one of them is peer pressure
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Sometimes individuals allow
their peers to define who they
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are, to think for them.
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They feel they are not someone
or somebody unless they follow
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another person.
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That in and of
itself is self-defeating.
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Children sometimes get
low measure of themselves,
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when they are
compared with another person.
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Even in a family
where you have two siblings,
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one child might have talents
that are not idiosyncratic
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to the other child.
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If a parent were to compare
this child with his brother
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or his sister, and then the
child thinks that something is
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wrong with him.
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So we want to do is help each
Child to value themselves for
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who they are and
that will establish their
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own sense of worth.
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We are talking about
causative factors, why one may
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develop self-esteem.
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There are some
parents who are just negative.
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They don't see a
star in the child.
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They think negatively they speak
negatively toward the child.
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And they say they think
sometimes they don't mean it
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hoping it will motivate the
child, sometimes like they are
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doing paradoxical intervention.
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They say something negative
hoping in the child will
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respond positively, but most
times it does not work that way.
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So parents do not speak
negatively towards your children
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Some children find it real
difficult to accept their flaws.
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They equate their worth
and their identity with the
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mistakes they make.
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So we try to help children
understand that it is extremely
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necessary that you know you will
make mistakes, but that does not
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define who you are.
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So your reality is
not necessarily defined by
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the errors in judgment you make.
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Over identity with failure.
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Sometimes we fail as we
all do at times and there are
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individuals who are
able to brace themselves up,
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move on, get over it.
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There are others
that are not able to.
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They become depressed or
stressed and they take on
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the failure
thinking that is their life.
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Or they see
themselves as failures.
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When you're over identified
with failure, it is a sign of
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someone who is experiencing
negative self-worth.
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There are some individuals who
have a poor image of themselves.
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One they may have compared it
with others, instead of having
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their own identity, they have
an image of somebody they should
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be like, we call
that over identification.
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Sometimes their heroes
become their own identity.
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So rather than accepting their
reality, they are living their
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lives in somebody
else's skin as it were.
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That allows them to feel
incomplete, because you can't
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be somebody
other than who you are.
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So what we try to do is
to help children appreciate
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who they are, to work
on the limits they have,
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and celebrate the
strengths they have.
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Unrealistic expectation often
times people develop grandiose
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idea of who they are and
what they can accomplish.
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When this does not happen
then they become depressed,
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they feel like
they are failures.
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So when you have these grandiose
ideas, they can limit your
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ability to function and
for you to move along in life.
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So our encouragement is
that do not have unrealistic
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expectations, be a realist.
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Another factor is that
some children, and even adults,
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are criticized by
their significant others.
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By their teachers, their
parents, their counselors.
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They are
diminished. They feel belittled.
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They equate that
criticism with their identity.
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So I am who my
teachers say I am.
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Or I am whom my parent
or neighbors think I am.
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As a result they have
such a hard time feeling good
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about themselves.
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If someone were to tell
you that you are who they think
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you are, they are wrong.
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That is so true!
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We have with us here
two wonderful young people.
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We have Ryan Sharpe,
and we have Stephanie Shaw.
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Sharpe and Shaw.
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Welcome, will you
help me welcome them here?
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Ryan, welcome and tell
us who you are and just
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a little about yourself.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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I am a Christian and
also an attorney who practices
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law in New York.
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Alanzo: wonderful,
wonderful. Stephanie.
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Thank you, I am an executive
manager for a major nonprofit
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organization and pretty much
active in the singles ministry
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department at my church.
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Alanzo: we have some questions
that we want to ask you both.
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We see you both as two
individuals who understand what
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self-efficacy is all about.
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Without being
arrogant, you know who you are.
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We want to find out who you
are and want you to share that
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with our listeners.
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So Ryan, here is
my question for you.
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As you develop in life, what
do you think were some of the
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things that were responsible
for you to have a positive
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sense of self?
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You mentioned it earlier,
and I think the affirmations
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I got from my mother, especially
when I was an adolescent.
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Those affirmations
were critical in terms of my
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positive image of myself.
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Alanzo: thank you very much.
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Dr. June: Stephanie, as
you reflect on your own person
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what messages did you
tell yourself that helped you
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strengthen your image of self?
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The messages were really, I
think, what messages that were
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inculcated in me
as I was growing up.
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I was always taught
to reach for my dreams.
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So one of things I can
remember is my aunt used to say
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you don't need to have
a job you need a career.
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Anyone can have a job,
but a career is something that
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stays with you for life.
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So those dreams have
really formed and shaped me as I
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moved forward and
continued into my adult life.
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Dr. June: so the dreams, as you
call them, are the injunctions
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you got from your
significant other's?
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Your mother, your aunt
helped you understand and accept
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you had some where you
were going? Stephanie: yes!
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My faith helped to
guide me through it.
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What would you
consider some of your strengths?
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Ryan: perseverance through
hardship, the ability to work
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with others, and I think I
am a good listener as well.
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Those are my strengths.
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Dr. June: now there are
strengths as well as limitations
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How do you
address your limitations?
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I first acknowledge
that I have limitations.
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Sometimes I'm humbled that
I have them because in having
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these limitations I believe
God helped me to deal with them.
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as I yield myself over to Him.
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First I acknowledge and once
I acknowledge, I asked the Lord
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to give me strength to
deal with those limitations.
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I find it helps me
to grow as a Christian.
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Dr. June: now I'm sure
you work many young people.
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Some of them you might find
don't think well, or feel-good
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about themselves.
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What might you say to
a young person that would
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help them improve
of their self-image?
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I would first say accepting
themselves for who they are.
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One of the things I think
is critical is that one has to
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first believe in themselves and
not just believing, but loving
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is critical, I love myself.
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I do love myself, and I
love who I am and I've always
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encouraged individuals.
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I would like to steal a
line, I think, from Mike Angelo,
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and I quote, and I use
this council for singles
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that a woman's heart should
be so hidden that a man should
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have to see him to find Christ.
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I think if we have Christ
in our hearts as Christians as
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singles, as young adults,
if we love ourselves that much,
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and we have Him hidden in
our hearts, if the man is coming
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after us, he has to seek
God first in order to find us.
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That is really loving oneself.
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Alanzo: you emphasize Ryan,
at the beginning, your first
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a Christian, so what role did
your faith play in developing
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your sense of self?
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Well understanding
God's character and who He is,
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I see a God who is encouraging
and when I look at the parables
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of Luke I see a God who seeks
for the lost coin, for the lost
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sheep and that tells me that
God looks at us individually.
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He is seeking to have
a relationship with us.
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He values us and when I look
at that I seek God values me.
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That is where my
sense of value comes from.
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So that is a good example,
I'm thinking also, like when God
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wanted Jeremiah to do a
particular job and He called
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Jeremiah, and Jeremiah says, I
cannot Lord for I am but a youth
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He says don't say that, because
I have already appointed you
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to be a nation, a
speaker unto the people.
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You are saying that your faith
played a significant role in
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determining who you are.
Ryan: yes, it is the lens
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through which I view the world.
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I am viewing the world now
as God would have me view it.
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It's quite a different look.
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Dr. June: there are many
Christians who believe that
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they can't think good
about themselves because
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they are nothing, that they
are only find strength as they
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immerse, or subject themselves
to God and we acknowledge that.
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That it is God who gives
us our strengths and talents.
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But I believe that God wants
us to take what He gives us
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in our hands and use
it to His honor and glory.
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So that you shouldn't, you
talked about the talents one
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person getting the
talent and hiding it.
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Another person getting
his talents and using it and
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multiplying it and
use it to God's glory.
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Now I'm sure you have some
text that you may have drawn on.
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That assist you in
the way you view yourself.
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What might that be?
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Yes, I love Jeremiah 29 verse
11 it says, "I know the plans"
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"I have for you, plans to
prosper you and not to harm you"
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"plans for hope and a future. "
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I embrace that text and it has
been the forefront of my life.
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I can see the results of it.
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Alanzo: Ryan, your self-esteem
has it helped you in reaching
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your goal, and if so, how?
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Ryan: most definitely, and I
share my testimony often with
00:13:50.91\00:13:54.29
young people and law
school and the bar exam.
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Being honest with them I told
them it wasn't easy, in fact,
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it took me a few times
before I was even successful on
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the exam itself.
00:14:03.47\00:14:04.82
I shared that story because
throughout it all God was
00:14:04.85\00:14:09.44
encouraging me to go ahead.
00:14:09.48\00:14:10.45
you know when I was younger
I wanted to become a lawyer,
00:14:10.46\00:14:13.44
but I did not know how
hard the work would be.
00:14:13.48\00:14:15.75
At each step of the way,
and with each setback, God was
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encouraging me to go ahead.
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Alanzo: so the message you are
giving young people, don't quit!
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Ryan: don't quit!
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Alanzo: because there are
challenges out there and we
00:14:28.14\00:14:31.99
are not trying to sugar-coat
life and to say as you pray
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and ask something
you are going to get it.
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Or that you will be successful.
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We are saying there are times
when your faith will be tested.
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There are times when you have
to try and try and try again.
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Don't give up, and you are
using yourself as an example
00:14:45.66\00:14:48.89
to give that message. Ryan: yes.
00:14:48.93\00:14:51.37
Dr. June: some young people
think, and maybe even adults,
00:14:51.41\00:14:55.08
that they don't have to do
anything, God is going to take
00:14:55.11\00:14:59.52
care of them, and so they
sit in bed and watch TV, or they
00:14:59.56\00:15:03.93
just wait on the matter to fall.
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Is there a conflict
between your reliance on God,
00:15:06.09\00:15:09.02
and your self-efficacy?
00:15:09.05\00:15:12.56
There is no conflict because
I believe my existence is on
00:15:12.60\00:15:17.05
reliance on God, I don't
exist without relying on God
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for everything, but I do believe
this, I do believe the Lord will
00:15:21.50\00:15:25.21
not do anything for me
that I can do for myself.
00:15:25.24\00:15:27.26
Therefore it encourages me, at
the same time to know if there
00:15:27.30\00:15:31.16
is something I think I can't
do I can go to Him as a friend
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and as of Him.
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So there is a saying that says,
that God helps them who can not
00:15:36.24\00:15:40.19
help themselves, but He
also helps those who can help
00:15:40.23\00:15:42.31
themselves so we have to
know our limitations and should
00:15:42.35\00:15:44.40
rely on Him and
that is what I do.
00:15:44.44\00:15:46.25
So you are saying that God gives
as talents, and He gives us
00:15:46.29\00:15:49.00
skills and He expects us
to develop these skills to our
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best potential and
use it to His glory.
00:15:51.76\00:15:54.32
Stephanie: exactly!
00:15:54.36\00:15:55.84
Alanzo: not only do you
talk about your sense of self,
00:15:55.88\00:16:00.33
but the way you present yourself
you have a beautiful smile,
00:16:00.37\00:16:04.37
are you happy with
yourself Stephanie?
00:16:04.41\00:16:06.44
I am happy with
myself and I love myself.
00:16:06.48\00:16:08.45
Alanzo: Ryan, you talk
with a lot of confidence,
00:16:08.48\00:16:12.04
are you happy with yourself?
00:16:12.07\00:16:14.01
Yes I am, by God's grace,
His image of me makes me happy
00:16:14.05\00:16:18.59
with myself, yes.
00:16:18.62\00:16:20.52
Dr. June: and that's what
happens, the closer you get
00:16:20.56\00:16:22.22
to Him, the more you understand
you are product of His hands.
00:16:22.25\00:16:26.30
Alanzo: you notice that as we
listen to these two individuals,
00:16:26.34\00:16:30.35
there was never a moment
when a negative statement came
00:16:30.39\00:16:37.12
out of their mouth.
00:16:37.16\00:16:38.35
Not at all, yet we are living
in a society and an age where
00:16:38.39\00:16:43.21
people are bombarded
with negative statements.
00:16:43.25\00:16:46.15
Statements that
they give themselves.
00:16:46.19\00:16:49.12
Dr. June: what would you
say to an individual who says,
00:16:49.16\00:16:52.59
I don't think I am an important
person, I don't like myself.
00:16:52.62\00:16:58.25
I am not special, what
would you say to such a person?
00:16:58.29\00:17:02.19
Unfortunately when a person,
whatever person thinks is
00:17:02.23\00:17:06.06
usually correct, so what I would
do is help that person explore
00:17:06.09\00:17:11.43
why they have come to that
conclusion and then challenge
00:17:11.46\00:17:15.01
their thinking so they
can change that thought.
00:17:15.04\00:17:18.36
Alanzo: we really want you
to take a keen look at what we
00:17:18.40\00:17:23.78
are saying because it is very
important, cognitive behavior
00:17:23.82\00:17:29.80
is really strong and the
way you behave, think and act
00:17:29.83\00:17:35.74
cognitively, will determine
your feeling and your behavior.
00:17:35.77\00:17:39.54
Thank you so much Stephanie
for sharing with us a little
00:17:39.57\00:17:43.01
of yourself, and thank you
Ryan for coming on our show,
00:17:43.05\00:17:46.42
and sharing a little of yourself
and telling us who you are.
00:17:46.45\00:17:49.60
We are very happy that you
took the time out to be here.
00:17:49.64\00:17:52.75
We have a lot more to
talk about self-efficacy.
00:17:52.79\00:17:55.81
We will take a
break and be right back!
00:17:55.85\00:17:58.09