Welcome back you have been
watching Families 4 Heaven.
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We are talking about
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Ingredients That
Builds a Happy Marriage.
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We are so happy that you
took the time out to join us
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in our discussion on
building stronger marriages and
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stronger families.
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Tell us a little
about yourself and how
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you have been married.
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First of all of us like
to thank you for inviting us
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to be here, is our pleasure.
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My name is Lizet and
I'm here with my husband
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Julio tonight.
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We are with the from the
Adventist church and we have
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been married for 36
years, by the grace of God.
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We are so happy to be here.
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Alanzo: any children
from the lovely marriage?
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Yeah we have 6 children,
and 4 beautiful grandchildren.
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Alanzo: it is obvious Dr.
June, that this lovely couple
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must be doing
something wonderful.
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Every day we hear about
marriages lasting for a year,
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some four, some
five, but not a long time.
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They have 30 how many?
Guests: 36. Alanzo: 36 years.
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That speaks volumes
in this day and age.
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So share with us some of
the ingredients that you put
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into your marriage that
allowed you to survive these
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many years.
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By the grace of God, as I
said we've been married for
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36 years, and we got
married at a very young age.
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Through the years we
learnt a lot of things.
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We have our upside
downs and we learn from that.
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We learned ingredients
as to how to communicate.
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How to spend time together.
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How to respect each other.
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Alanzo: so I hear you say,
first of all you learned how
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to communicate.
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Dr. June, Virginia Sitar
speaks about communication
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and the communication theory,
could you address that for
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us as it relates to its
importance in a marriage?
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In fact it is said that
communication is the number one,
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it is on the top of the list
of major problems that cause
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family
dysfunction or disruption.
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So for all the things
that people have problems with,
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communication is one.
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So you have mastered that, you
have probably been ahead of the
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game, but yes according to
communication theories, there
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is nothing
called no communication.
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All families communicate,
even when they withdraw and
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go silent, they called the
silent treatment, the fact is
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they are
communicating ineffectively,
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but they do communicate.
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So if you are developing the
good methods of communicating,
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clearly you have learned well.
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Alanzo: is there anything else
you would like to share with us?
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We usually spend time together,
we usually like to take
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a walk and that is when
we try to speak to each other
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about problems, our
happiness, about everything.
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Alanzo: so you go
for leisurely walks.
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Julio: Sometime we are
doing something together in
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the kitchen too.
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Sometimes, mop and I wash the
dishes too, I like to help her.
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Alanzo: that's good I
like what he says about helping
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in the kitchen, you know
I have my limitations there.
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I do try, I do try.
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Dr. June: one of the ingredients
in a happy marriage is
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admit your limitations.
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Julio, I admired what
you said about working in the
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kitchen because often
times men tend to think, it is a
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stereo typical thinking
into believing we are not
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supposed to help in the
kitchen, sometimes that creates
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problems, so I can see how
that helps to strengthen your
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marriage
relationship over the years.
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Dr. June: and it is good
modeling for your sons so that
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they learn that you help
your wife with chores, washing
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dishes, mopping the floor,
and doing all the things that
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need to be done at home.
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Lizet: we also say positive
words to each other, we never
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call names, we respect
each other as much as we can.
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Dr. June: so even if you
get upset you speak to the issue
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and not attack the person.
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Lizet: when I get mad, when
I'm very disappointed, I stay
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quiet, I don't say
anything so he knows.
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I say it is not time to
talk, give me a break, and then
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we'll go back to this.
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Dr. June: that is good
strategy, you are protesting
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and recognizing
that there is a problem.
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You are saying we have to
talk about this, but right now
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you are not feeling
calm enough to talk.
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So you would rather
not talk at that point,
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then you'll talk later.
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So you do not say the
wrong things at that point.
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Alanzo: and that is
crucial, that is very important.
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It is a beautiful ingredient
they are mentioning here.
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Sometimes we like to
speak in the spur of the moment.
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We like to talk we are angry,
when we are upset, we want
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to fight back, and that is
not always the best strategy.
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To maintain healthy marriages
put that ingredient in, know
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when to say what,
and know how to say it.
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We also say affirmation words,
positive words to each other.
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Alanzo, so you do affirmation,
so he would tell you...
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Lizet: for example, when
he is cleaning the kitchen,
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even if he doesn't do it
the way I do it, I learned that
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I have to thank
him for helping me.
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Dr. June: so you say thank
you I really appreciate your
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helping, and that
encourages him to keep trying.
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Yes! Alanzo: what if you
see her dressed up like she has
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a nice hairdo
or beautiful dress,
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what would be your response?
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When I see her beautiful,
I say it looks beautiful.
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Alanzo: that's
nice, that's very nice.
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Dr. June: and we are saying
that is an essential ingredient
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you want to appreciate
and affirm each other, daily.
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Alanzo: marriage sometimes
is not as difficult as some
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people tend to make it.
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It is because we are not
putting in these ingredients
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that we are talking
about that sometimes
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make it so difficult.
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Dr. June could you share
with us some more of the things
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that we can put into our
marriages to make it wholesome
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and happy and long lasting?
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I think one of the important
principles is that couples
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first must be friends.
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I find that we relate to our
friends so nicely, so kindly.
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We look out for their interests.
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We spent quality time with them.
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The things that make us happy
we want to share with them.
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So when your spouse is
your friend, your best friend,
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then it's easier for you
to relate in a friendly way.
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But if you have a best
friend outside of your spouse,
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then your spouse is discounted.
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So I think it is essential
for us to recognize that there
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has to be mutual
fulfillment between each other.
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That we are meeting
the needs of the other.
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Alanzo: well said, I would
also add that each individual
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needs to be emotionally healthy.
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Many times individuals
going into a relationship hoping
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that they will become whole as
a result of that relationship.
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Now Dr. Smith, we talk
about some of these things that
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help to make marriages
wholesome, but what if a family
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is watching, or listening,
and those ingredients are not
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there, they once had been
but they have disappeared.
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The question is, Can
those ingredients be regained?
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Dr. June: again when you
are married, your commitment
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should be to stay married
and to stay in a happy state,
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so that if you have gotten
to a point in your relationship
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where you find that
your marriage feels dull
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and there isn't much
passion, the things that you are
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accustomed to do for each other
isn't happening anymore, then
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yes, you can take responsibility
to turn it around.
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We can turn around
large corporations.
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We are even trying to
turn around the economy of the
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world, we can turn
around our marriages.
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It takes a committed,
dedicated, intentional effort
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on both parties part.
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I would like to take you
to the good book, the Bible.
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I would like to share with
you a text in 1 Corinthians 30.
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I will share with you from a New
Testament in a modern version.
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It says, "love is
patient and kind. "
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That is
powerful, patient and kind.
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Dr. June: it is
essential that when you are in a
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relationship that you
cannot carry grudges, you can
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not exercise envy
of the other person.
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In fact, you are your
spouse's best friend so that you
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cannot be
jealous of your partner.
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Your role in the relationship
is to support and elevate
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your partner, your spouse.
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Alanzo: Love is not forward or
self-centered, narcissism cannot
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reside within the heart.
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You have to be open, you
have to be free, and you have
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to be honest with each other.
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In a marriage there
is no space for boasting
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and conceded-ness.
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One partner might be much
more talented than the other.
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May have skills that can
outdo the other, but the role
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of that partner is to
complement your spouse so that
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together, as a team, you win.
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Can love be rekindled?
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You both have been married
for a long time, 36 years.
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A lovely family, what
would you say to them, can you
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give them anything that
would say yes, love can be
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rekindled, or can it not be?
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Definitely it can, Dr. Smith.
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We compromise ourselves a
long time ago that we were
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going to stay together in
a healthy marriage, happily.
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Not perfect, we are not
perfect marriage, but we try
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our best and we are going
to be growing in our longest
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marriage together.
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First of all, we have God in
the center of our relationship.
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So clearly you are suggesting
that spirituality is one
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dimension in a relationship
that keeps the marriage stable.
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Lizet: definitely we also
compromise to pray together,
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to spend more time
praying every single day.
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Morning, afternoon,
evening and that helps us to
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strengthen our marriage.
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No wonder it says, a family that
prays together stays together.
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Alanzo: that is so true.
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To rekindle love in a marital
relationship both parties have
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to have what we call a
non-judgmental attitude.
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If you start judging each
other, you are not going to
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be able to rekindle love.
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You have to have this
non-judgmental attitude where
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you show respect for each other,
and not judging each other.
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Lizet: another thing Dr. Smith,
do good things to each other.
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Once in a while,
Julio surprised me at work.
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He knows that I am very
busy and that I work hard and
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not going to
have time for lunch.
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So he brings me a lunch,
so I love that because he
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surprised me, he makes my day.
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Dr. June: very nice. Alanzo:
beautiful, that's wonderful.
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Julio: we are trying you know.
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Dr. June: I'm sure that
it is mutual, that there are
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times when you will surprise
him as well. Lizet: yes!
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Sometimes I call him
from outside and say,
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Julio can you step outside?
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He goes why?
because I am outside.
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Dr. June: that's nice that you
pop in at work and surprise him.
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Alanzo: is it possible
for two people who are not
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experiencing the love
they once had, that they could
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rekindle that love by
starting to date over?
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Dr. June: that is what happened,
usually in pre-marriage, where
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there is so much passion in that
process, in that dating stage.
00:14:03.76\00:14:07.99
So certainly, if they can
recapture the essence of what
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brought them together and
as it were, strike the match
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allover again, then they
are likely to rekindle the
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emotions that
brought them together.
00:14:19.39\00:14:21.54
Of course, they want to
process what is it that we have
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committed ourselves to?
00:14:25.44\00:14:26.91
Once you cognitively
establish that you have meaning,
00:14:26.94\00:14:32.57
and that your relationship
has a significant reason to
00:14:32.61\00:14:37.11
be, and to exist, then
you are likely to find enough
00:14:37.15\00:14:41.62
ingredients to stay together.
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I think a good motto to live
by is, don't quit, recommit.
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Don't walk away
from your marriage,
00:14:52.28\00:14:54.49
recommit to the
health of the marriage.
00:14:54.53\00:14:57.31
Every marriage needs to be
maintained, call it marriage
00:14:57.34\00:15:01.19
maintenance, for these people
to have had their marriage
00:15:01.22\00:15:04.67
going for 36 years, and
you look as if you're going to
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have many, many
more years to go.
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They must have
maintained the marriage.
00:15:10.48\00:15:13.10
How can one
maintain their marriage?
00:15:13.14\00:15:15.69
Dr. June: I think like all
other institutions, we take
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responsibility to do upkeep.
00:15:19.68\00:15:22.25
We maintain our
cars, our lawns, our hair,
00:15:22.28\00:15:25.51
we take responsibility
to groom the things that
00:15:25.55\00:15:28.49
need to be maintained.
00:15:28.53\00:15:30.13
So as it is in our marriage.
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We know the things that each
other like and take personal
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pride in each other and we
do all the things that will
00:15:35.13\00:15:38.76
certainly build
the other person up.
00:15:38.79\00:15:41.32
As long as you are constructive
in your relationship
00:15:41.36\00:15:44.04
between each other, then
the building, the institution
00:15:44.07\00:15:46.72
of marriage will
last, will be strong.
00:15:46.76\00:15:49.12
We have been talking
about the ingredients of a happy
00:15:49.15\00:15:52.65
marriage, and there are several
things we have mentioned.
00:15:52.69\00:15:55.83
The number one thing that
we want to mention however,
00:15:55.86\00:15:59.65
is to make sure you let
God be the center of your life.
00:15:59.69\00:16:03.45
We cannot get away
from what the Psalmist says,
00:16:03.48\00:16:06.27
"except the Lord build
the house they labor in vain"
00:16:06.31\00:16:10.62
"that build it. "
00:16:10.66\00:16:12.38
May God bless you.
00:16:12.42\00:16:14.11