Welcome back, you are
watching Families 4 Heaven.
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We have as our guest
Dijon Plummer and our co-host
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Dr. June Smith.
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Well, Dijon that story you just
related to us was a very painful
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one, but we are glad to
see you are still holding on.
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It is hard for me to even
wrap my mind around what do
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you do when you have something
like this happen to you?
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So why don't we talk to you.
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Dijon share with us, what
did you find most helpful?
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How did you cope with this?
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There are number of
things, I think the first thing
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that happened was that I
realized that no matter how
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depressed I was, how much I
cried, how many times I woke
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up in the middle of the
night and would look beside me
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and realize that
she wasn't there.
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I started wondering how
long is she going to be in
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the bathroom for?
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I came back to realizing
that she is actually gone.
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No matter how much I cried,
no matter how much I didn't
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eat, I didn't feel like
eating that she wasn't coming
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back and I actually
made a conscious decision.
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I said you know I
have to live and I prayed.
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I didn't have much other option.
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I asked God to take away
the pain, just to lift it,
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because I could not manage it.
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I was going out of my mind.
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I had a new role in my
life, my perspective on life
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totally changed, and
nothing really mattered anymore.
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It started with a decision,
a decision to go back to my
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roots, to get on my knees,
to ask for guidance, to ask
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for relief and
that is where it began.
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Dr. June: so you found
that your relationship with God
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was strengthened, you
tried to find strength?
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It was renewed, it was
different, it was changed,
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it became what
made sense in life.
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It became what gave me hope.
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Yes, it definitely did change.
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Dr. June: what would you
say was the role that your
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spiritual experience played?
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Because why you are
praying and you are seeking Him,
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how did this faith that you
have bring you to that point?
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In all honesty I felt
as if I had no option.
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I had to go back to what I knew.
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They say train up a
child in the way he should go,
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and when he is old he
will not depart from it.
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I had to go back to my roots.
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I had to close my eyes and to
fall backwards into God's hands.
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And He caught me, He
caught me and put me back up to
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stand, and said,
to walk beside Me.
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What central thought, what
central concept did you come to?
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I realize that my family,
my wife and two kids, they were
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God's children, they
weren't mine, they were His.
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He did not need my
permission to take them.
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I was blessed and privileged
to have shared a number
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of years with them and
I enjoyed them thoroughly.
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The Lord was ready for
them, their work was done
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and He took them.
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He allowed them to be
taken, my work is not done.
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That is why I am still here,
I have a lot of work to do.
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Dr. June: that is a
powerful point to get to as you
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except that, yes
life is in God's hands.
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And you notice that you can
feel the pain and the empathy
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as he is talking.
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It is because of this
attachment that he had with his
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family, there is this theory
called the Attachment theory
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postulated by this British
psychiatrist, John Bowlby.
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Talk to us about the attachment
theory and why is it that
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people have this
strong affection and bonding?
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The whole notion of being
attached is a phenomenon that
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occurs pretty much at birth.
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When children become
bonded, or attached to their
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caregivers, it is amazing
how children might even become
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attached to people
other than their own parents.
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But whoever it is that bonds
and spends quality time with
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this child it gets attached.
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The bonding postulate theory
is when this bond is broken.
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It is as painful,
as what he considers,
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and amputation physiologically.
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We can imagine how painful
it must be for somebody to
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chop your arm off, so it is
emotionally when a bond that
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is developed between two
individuals, like a parent and
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a child, a
husband and wife and etc.
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When that bond is broken that is
the impact it has emotionally.
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Grief is expected when an
individual goes through a crisis
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There are several
manifestations, we have sadness,
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we have anger, we have
guilt, we have self-reproach.
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Did you find yourself
experiencing any of these?
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Every one of them,
on multiple levels.
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I work as a nurse, and I
have worked hospice so I have
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giving grief counsel before.
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I am familiar with the process
of death, but what I've found
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was all the speeches that
I would give to my patients,
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I give them to myself in
the mirror and they didn't work.
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All the research that I
had done before, I applied it
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to myself and it didn't work.
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It took on an entire
nature of its own and the script
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has nothing to do with the
reality of what you go through
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and experience, which one
comes first and which one comes
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last, it does it by itself.
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That is because each individual
is different and people
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come to their own experience
based on their thought
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processes and the significance
of the meaning of the loss.
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Now there are different
behaviors that are demonstrated
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by people who
suffer severe loss.
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What would you say, maybe
one or two that you found you
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have a preoccupation with?
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For example people sometimes,
you talked about not wanting
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to eat, or not wanting
to sleep, or life changes.
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What was a real
significant change for you?
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Alanzo: restlessness.
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Dijon: a
combination of many of them.
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I went for many
nights sleepless.
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I recall once, I was lying
in the bed trying to sleep,
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I would close my eyes and
shut my eyes and just try to
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play mental gymnastics
because to think about all three
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of them at the same
time was too overwhelming.
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I would have to separate
them and think about my wife.
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Then I would stop and
think about my daughter.
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And then I would stop
and think about my son.
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And then I would stop, but
if I thought about all three
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of them, it
would drive me crazy.
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I thought about this enormous
responsibility that I had
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to this teenager who
was entering into adulthood.
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I had this last shot to
give him whatever I needed to
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give him to teach him
whatever I needed to teach him.
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Here I was compromised
with more responsibility.
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The sleepless
nights was the big one.
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Alanzo: alright, moving on
is essential for the survival
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of an individual after
a crises such as yours.
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How to move on has often
been the question people ask.
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If I may take the privilege
of saying that Dijon has
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put back his life together.
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He has gone through the
pain and share with us very
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briefly, where you are today.
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We talk about the death that
happened so many years back,
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are you still in the quagmire
of loneliness, by yourself,
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sleepless nights,
or have you moved on?
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I was fortunate, God sent
a church sister of mine who
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made sense, who had a calm
spirit, who decided to invest
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in me, although I
felt I was broken.
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Alanzo: so in
short what happened?
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Almost 2 years later I got
remarried and we are presently
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expecting our first.
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Alanzo: so even though
Dijon has gone through this
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terrible mishap, he
realized that he has to move on.
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And that is what you
all have to do in life.
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You have to be able to move on.
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What is the first task
that one has to do in order for
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such a one to move on?
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One of the things
that is essential,
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is accepting this loss.
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Recognizing what it means
to you and then recognizing
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that it is a irreversible.
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It is time to move on.
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Alanzo: so you are saying
except the reality, no denial.
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Because often times we
like to stay in denial.
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Sometimes we wallow in
self-pity, we have to move on.
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Okay, so I accept my reality,
okay yes this is what has
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happened, where
do I go from there?
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Then we have what
we often refer to as,
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working through the grief.
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So yes, the reality
is accepted, but the fact
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is you are still
hurting, you are still in pain.
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Now you must move
through that pain.
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So you are going to work
through this grief as best as
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you can, which is to
do it in your own way.
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Again we are saying people
have different ways in which
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way they do that.
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So whatever it is,
hanging with your family,
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or with your friends,
or crying as you like,
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or finding a hobby,
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or doing whatever it is
that comes naturally for you to
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bring comfort, you
must work through this loss.
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And thirdly you
have to make adjustments.
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We have to make an
adjustment to the reality of the
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situation, whether it
is an internal adjustment,
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excepting myself, my
situation, we may have to make
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an external adjustment.
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He made an external
adjustment by marrying again.
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God has blessed you now
with a child on its way.
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We have to make this
kind of adjustment in order
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for us to move on.
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That is one of the difficulties
that many people have
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because they have been so
socialized in the lifestyle
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they had before this loss,
or their experience might have
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been set in a way that brought
them comfort, and now the
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adjustment changed
their life as it were.
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Their function, maybe they
have to relocate, maybe they
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have to downsize, whatever
adjustments will be necessary.
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If you are going to move
on you must let go of the past
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and move forward.
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For a Christian person
listening to this program, what
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role will spirituality
play in all of this adjustment?
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And briefly, very briefly,
did spirituality play any
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role in your adjustment?
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I believe in my heart that
spirituality played the major
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part in this adjustment.
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One could always say that,
okay I'm going to develop a
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new norm, so I will use
a different type of soap.
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I get a different type of car.
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I live in a
different neighborhood.
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I changed jobs, whatever it
may be you will try to create
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this new norm and surround
yourself with just things.
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You find it will not pacify,
what makes the real difference
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is when you
actually rely on God.
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On the relationship that
you have with Him and trust Him
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to take you
where you need to be.
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Not where you
think that you should be.
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Alanzo: thank you Dijon,
I think that was well said.
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We have been talking about
surviving the ultimate loss,
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which is death
and it is not easy.
00:13:52.42\00:13:55.27
We are cognizant of the
fact that there are hurting
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people out there who
have gone through a tragedy,
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maybe not as severe as
Dijon, or maybe just as similar.
00:14:00.92\00:14:04.66
Whatever the situation is,
we are saying you have to get
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to the stage where you
accept the reality of your loss.
00:14:08.43\00:14:12.10
You work through
your pain and you move on.
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Above all, trust
God with your life.
00:14:15.35\00:14:18.09
He will give you strength.
00:14:18.12\00:14:19.66
He will give you power.
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And He will give you comfort.
00:14:21.19\00:14:23.28
Never give up, keep holding on.
00:14:23.32\00:14:25.37