Welcome back to
Families 4 Heaven.
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We are talking about divorce
and the devastating effect
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it has on families in general.
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Janet is our guest and
Janet has had an experience that
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she is sharing with us.
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Janet, so here you are,
you found out that the person
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you married is not
really the ideal person that you
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thought he was.
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What was happening?
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Well the communication
between the both of us started
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lacking, we started speaking
less and less to each other.
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We would deal with
everyday issues such as bills,
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mortgages, and different
things, but we were not dealing
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on a personal level,
feelings, emotions, and sharing
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each other's thoughts.
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It came to be as if we
were roommates living under the
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same roof and things
just started falling apart.
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You notice that she said
the first thing that went was
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communication, communication.
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When people are
hurting, they tend to shut down.
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Instead of identifying
the problem, they withdraw.
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That usually leads to
dysfunction, now they hurt
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separately without clarifying
exactly what the issue is.
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If you haven't
identified the problem your
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are unable to solve it.
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The communication, lack
of communication leads to the
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next thing, you both become
roommates, no longer lovers.
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No longer friends, hugging
and all of what you thought
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you would be
doing during courtship,
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you are now just roommates.
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Okay Janet, tell
us what happened.
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Well I started noticing at
family outings he wanted to
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spend less and less time
with me and the children.
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At one point I went to a
family event, a family member
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approached me and asked
me where was my husband?
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At every single family
meeting I was going alone with
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my children and I didn't
realize now other people were
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becoming aware of the
fact that our marriage
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was falling apart.
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So when my family member
approached me and asked me that
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question, it was a reflection
and it hurt very much.
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I realized at that
moment that the subject could no
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longer be set aside,
it had to be addressed.
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I went home and
spoke to him about it,
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I spoke to my husband
about it at that time.
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What happened was he just
started revealing to me that
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he was frustrated over the
fact that he had made such a
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long lasting
decision at such a young age.
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He realized at that moment
he had made a great mistake.
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But we were already married
with our home and our two
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children and it was very
difficult to hear those words.
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But I was still in the back of
my mind, was very hopeful that
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we could work this out.
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I continued trying to push
the marriage, my mistake was
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I disregarded, even when he
told me that, I just ignored
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it and continued going.
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In denial? Janet: in
denial I just did not want to
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believe. Alonzo: you
just didn't want to hear that.
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Isn't that consistent when
someone is trying to hold onto
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something they treasure,
but at the same time it's...
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Obviously what appeared to
happen was they both had two
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different goals, she wanted
to preserve her marriage and
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try to work it out to protect
her nest, but he wanted out
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because he had thought he
lost his youth by taking on
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all these responsibilities
and woke up later and found
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out that much of his
fun time was now gone.
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Now he has to be a
father and a husband and
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he got overwhelmed.
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There is a lesson in
that for you young people.
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It is one thing to say you
are in love, and some of you
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elope and go get married,
and some won't listen to
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counsel and they get married.
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It is one thing to do that,
it is another thing when the
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reality of
married life hits you.
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Marriage is not just
about romance, there is much
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more than that.
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Marriage is
about paying the bills.
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When children come into
play, it's being a father, being
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there, a mother being
there and taking care of
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responsibilities and when
that starts occurring on a
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daily basis, then it somehow
changes how you feel about
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the person that you once
say you are in love with.
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So there are some
cautions there and we are asking
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you to take note.
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So Janet,
eventually what happened?
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Eventually he started, he
used to work a lot of overtime.
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I trusted him 100% and
believed that he was working at
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night during night shifts.
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So one day he was
working a night shift and I just
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got this overwhelming
feeling that he wasn't
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working at that time.
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I don't know how to
explain it, I just felt these
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emotions go through and at
that moment I opened my eyes
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and finally woke up and
realized that he wasn't working.
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He was seeing someone else
and I knew by just instinct.
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It was without any
physical proof at that moment.
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Well later on that night
he came home and I actually,
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when I got that feeling,
started calling his cell phone.
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Usually he would pick up
right away, and an hour had gone
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by and he
wouldn't pick up his phone.
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At that moment I was
almost 100% sure that
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he was with someone else.
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When he finally called
back, I didn't let him speak
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once he said hello, I just
told him on the phone I know
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exactly what he was doing.
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I told him to please come
home, just drop whatever you're
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doing at that moment and
please come home because he
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has basically been caught
because I knew where he was
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and what he was doing.
Alonzo: did he come home?
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He came home
almost 2 hours later.
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I was waiting for him in
the living room in the dark,
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so when he walked in
he did not see me sitting
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in the living room.
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I called him into the living
room and as we sat there I
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started speaking to him
and he didn't want to talk.
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He just had his head down
the whole time, like he was
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feeling ashamed
because he had been caught.
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So I told him at that
time that I understood.
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This is how in love I was,
I understood that he had made
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a mistake, that if he was
willing to let this person go,
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I was willing to forget
and continue our marriage.
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At that moment he revealed
that he was no longer in
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love with me, he just
didn't want to be a part of the
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marriage anymore.
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Wow, okay.
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Dr. Smith: that
must've been awful hurtful.
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Janet: it was, it was horrible.
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It's amazingly, even though
life has moved on and things
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have gotten better, how the
memory links to that heartache.
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Dr. Smith: I'm sorry I
just want to piggyback on that
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because it is not inconsistent
that women, especially
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women, this happens with
men too, but when you are a
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mother, and you have your
children to protect, even when
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you see blaring abuse, you
know this is wrong and should
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be happening, you
still try to keep your nest.
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Because that is what mothers do,
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you watch over your chicks.
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Alonzo: it is so sad, no
matter how hard one person
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tries, if the other
person is not willing,
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eventually it will go.
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Maybe somebody is watching
this program and you are
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going through
the same situation.
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Not so much the person
that wants to hold on to the
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marriage, but the
person who is breaking away,
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who is saying I want to
be out of this marriage.
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Is it possible that you
could just pause and take a
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deep breath, and introspective
look into yourself?
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Maybe you have children,
family and could you just maybe
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get some help, professional
help, because that is the
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right thing to do.
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It is the manly thing to
do, it is the womanly thing to
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do, it is the best thing to do.
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You know something, most of
all is the godly thing to do.
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Now we are moving to talk
about the effect of divorce
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on children.
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Before we do that,
Janet how did it end?
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Eventually we ended up getting
divorced, the divorce was
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finalized, it was a process but.
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Alonzo: a painful
experience I'm sure.
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Janet: a very painful
experience for the whole family.
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Alonzo: for the
children as well.
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Janet: for the children as well,
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they have suffered a lot.
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Alonzo: when we talk
about the devastating effect of
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divorce on children, we
are not insensitive to the
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whole family, as a
matter of fact when there is a
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divorce no one wins.
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No matter how, no one.
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For children, however
there is this delayed reaction.
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By this I mean, a parent
might get divorced when the
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child is at age 5, 6, at
that time the child might not
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react in any significant way.
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They may or they may not.
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But when the child reaches
14 or 15 or 16, there is a
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possibility that the
divorce could have traumatizing
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affect on the child.
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That is what we
call delayed response.
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Another impact is that children
are as damaged or harmed
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as older children,
meaning younger children have a
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devastating results
as much as the adolescent
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or older child.
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Sometimes because the
child is young and they can't
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articulate their pain,
they are not able to make sense
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of all the details of
what's going on, they seem like
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they don't understand,
but it doesn't mean that they
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are not being
negatively impacted.
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So parents, or the caregivers,
shouldn't dismiss a child
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and think they don't
know what is going on.
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Our recommendation is that
you really need to follow the
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child closely, secure
them with a lot of emotional
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support, give them a stable
of an afterlife as you can,
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so the child can
keep their normalcy.
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As quickly as you
are able to you get
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them professional help.
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Regressive behavior
is almost the opposite
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of delayed response.
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In this case, rather than
the problem coming years later,
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we find the child going back.
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For example a child that
was no longer wetting the bed,
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could resort to bed wetting.
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These are some of things
that can happen to children.
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Divorce has it's
traumatizing effect on children.
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Sometimes children become
confused about relationships.
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Your mom and dad are two
people who love you most.
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When you see this love
broken as it were, or separated,
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you are not sure
what love really means.
00:12:49.66\00:12:52.93
So as you grow up it sometimes
creates confusion in your
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emotions, and when you say
you love you are not sure you
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are loving like mommy and
daddy loved, or you are loving
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like somebody else should.
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You find the children that
go through a divorce, or many
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children, not all of
them, but many children who go
00:13:11.26\00:13:13.89
through a divorce become
confused about their emotions.
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Divorce is a very
stressful life event.
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What would you say to
someone who say to you say to
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how do I get over the pain
of losing someone that I truly
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love, how do I
get over that pain?
00:13:32.17\00:13:34.56
Much like you get over the
crisis in your life, or other
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crises, you have to
accept that this has happened.
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Except that you still have life.
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You have a family and you
have yourself, you have other
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people that love and support
you, and you must move on.
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There are concerns, for example,
there is social concern,
00:13:58.85\00:14:03.65
the fate of the divorce is
not just the family and home
00:14:03.69\00:14:08.45
environment, it
spills out into society.
00:14:08.49\00:14:11.50
Many children, the children
in the school and society,
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when you trace it, it is
from a divorced broken home.
00:14:16.30\00:14:20.29
It has economic concerns,
there's spiritual concerns.
00:14:20.33\00:14:24.08
It affects their spiritual
health of the family and it
00:14:24.12\00:14:27.84
also affects the
economy of the family.
00:14:27.87\00:14:30.50
Children who come out of
a family that experiences a
00:14:30.53\00:14:35.32
divorce sometimes end
up with emotions of anger.
00:14:35.35\00:14:41.18
They get really frustrated
in understanding the pain
00:14:41.21\00:14:46.18
that they feel and they
are not likely, or not usually
00:14:46.21\00:14:51.14
able to make
sense of that anger.
00:14:51.18\00:14:54.14
Because they still love
their parents, they are not
00:14:54.17\00:14:56.92
divorced from their parents,
the parents are divorced
00:14:56.95\00:14:59.67
from each other.
00:14:59.70\00:15:00.88
But daddy is still my
dad and mommy is still my mom
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and I love them both.
00:15:04.50\00:15:06.28
So they don't know what to
do with those emotions often.
00:15:06.31\00:15:09.31
You know there is a
big difference between
00:15:09.34\00:15:11.58
a divorce and a death.
00:15:11.61\00:15:13.60
As matter of fact sometimes
the divorce is far more
00:15:13.64\00:15:17.57
painful then death.
00:15:17.60\00:15:18.88
Because when there is a
death you have flowers and cards
00:15:18.92\00:15:22.67
and there's a funeral and
burial and things like that.
00:15:22.70\00:15:26.41
When there is a divorce
there is sometimes no friends,
00:15:26.44\00:15:30.11
no cards, no flowers
and you are left alone.
00:15:30.15\00:15:34.02
That makes it even more painful.
00:15:34.05\00:15:37.16
Sometimes you feel guilty
and that leads to self-reproach
00:15:37.20\00:15:42.72
or self-hate.
00:15:42.75\00:15:44.36
In fact, sometimes people
hurt themselves because they
00:15:44.40\00:15:48.18
think they are
responsible for what happened.
00:15:48.21\00:15:50.79
Or they begin to reflect deeply
on how they may have contributed
00:15:50.83\00:15:54.26
to the breakdown in that family.
00:15:54.29\00:15:56.14
And instead of getting
help and relocating their pain,
00:15:56.17\00:15:59.60
they hurt themselves even more.
00:15:59.64\00:16:02.41
Janet, did you stay in
your pain for ever or have you
00:16:02.45\00:16:09.14
moved on with your life?
00:16:09.18\00:16:10.89
Where are you
now, share with us.
00:16:10.93\00:16:12.67
Will we serve a wonderful God
who blessed me and my children
00:16:12.70\00:16:18.07
with a wonderful man.
00:16:18.10\00:16:19.93
I got remarried,
and have been married
00:16:19.97\00:16:23.08
for four years now.
00:16:23.12\00:16:24.92
He is a God fearing
man and our home is now
00:16:24.95\00:16:29.46
a happy home again.
00:16:29.49\00:16:31.02
Alonzo:
beautiful, that is beautiful.
00:16:31.06\00:16:33.23
In other words you have
picked up the broken pieces,
00:16:33.27\00:16:36.17
brushed things off and move on.
00:16:36.21\00:16:40.67
We recommend that
whatever your situation is,
00:16:40.70\00:16:44.99
trust in God.
00:16:45.02\00:16:47.23
If you are listening to
us and your family is going
00:16:47.26\00:16:49.71
through a difficult
time, you are contemplating a
00:16:49.75\00:16:52.13
divorce, again I appeal to
you get some professional help
00:16:52.16\00:16:58.14
and turn matters over to
your Creator and your Maker,
00:16:58.17\00:17:04.12
because He has the
power to change things.
00:17:04.15\00:17:07.22
He has the power to
change you, and He has the power
00:17:07.26\00:17:10.44
to change your situation.
00:17:10.48\00:17:12.32
We hope that by you watching
this program, if you are
00:17:12.36\00:17:16.76
going through this
problem you will find some help.
00:17:16.79\00:17:21.16
Thank you for
watching and have a great day.
00:17:21.19\00:17:23.66