(gentle music)
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- [Jim] Oh, yes,
uh-huh, stay right there.
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Stay right there;
I'll be right back.
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Hey, welcome everybody to
"Talking Donkey International,"
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and our new television
series, "Country Wisdom."
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- Let's set the tone
for this new series of ours.
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It's found in Proverbs four.
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"Let your eyes
look directly forward
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"and your gaze be
straight before you.
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"Ponder the path of your feet,
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"and then all your
ways will be sure."
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- Join us now
for "Country Wisdom."
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(gentle music)
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(gentle music)
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- You know, marriage requires
falling in love many times.
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- [Janice] But
always with the same person.
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- [Jim] Very true;
if you'd like some hints
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about how to
accomplish that, follow us.
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(gentle music)
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So Janice, here we are
doing a program on marriage,
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and I'm guessing that
maybe some of our viewers
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at least wanna know why, why,
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what's the qualifications?
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What would you say to them here?
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- Well, we're both married,
not to each other (laughs).
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- Yeah. - I have been married,
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oh boy, this is
gonna give away my age.
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Bear in mind, I
was a child bride,
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- Yeah, okay. -
but I've been married
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43 years,
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and for me, it's not just that,
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okay, you have
43 years behind you.
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It's the fact that
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Steve and I
still like each other
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after being married 43 years.
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That is an achievement.
- And that's really huge,
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especially in today's
world where it seems like
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everybody changes marriages
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like they
change a pair of shoes.
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- (laughs) Yes. -
You know, I don't,
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my wife and I, Janine,
we've been married 50 years now.
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50 years and people are, "Wow."
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You know, "How did you do that?"
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Well, it wasn't easy (laughs).
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- Because Janine is
such a good woman. (laughs)
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- Exactly, you know, I'm
terrible, she's really good.
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And, but there's a
lotta keys to that, you know?
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Marriage is work.
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Yeah, I, I assume
you found that too.
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- Yes, but it's not like
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"Grit your teeth;
you gotta work this."
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I found that the kind
of work that goes into it,
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not that there
aren't frustrations
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and times where the thought
goes through your head that,
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"Why am I doing this?"
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Or "Is this really worth it?"
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But from my
vantage point, you know,
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lo these many years later,
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it's been so worth it.
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I mean, we work to
keep up friendships.
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If I have gone months and
months and have not picked up
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the phone to check
on my friend Pauline
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or Judy or whoever,
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after a while you
realize you've gotten
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a little out of touch
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and you go, "I
need to make a date.
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"We need to get
together for lunch.
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"We need to keep up
with each other's lives."
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And in marriage,
it's that kind of work,
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making it the priority
where spending that time,
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talking to each
other, is worth the effort.
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The rewards are so great.
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It doesn't really feel like,
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well, like I said,
"Grit your teeth, and let's,
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"let's work at marriage,"
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but you do have to put
in some time and effort
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just as you do for
a successful business,
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for successful friendship.
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Everything takes work.
- Janine and I, you know,
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we were, had a very,
not what would I say,
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a few strikes against us.
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As soon as we got
married, we weren't Christians,
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which if we
hadn't become Christians,
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I think we'd both
agree. if Janine was here,
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that we wouldn't be married.
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You know, there was,
there was just too many humps,
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too many dips, and everything.
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But we had
committed when we got married,
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even though we
weren't Christians,
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said, "We're
gonna stick it out."
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We didn't realize
necessarily all the,
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the bumps and dips,
and, and valleys and,
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and mountaintops in between,
but God came into our lives,
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and that changed all of that.
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So I, in my mind,
I'd preface it with,
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I don't see how you get
through marriage without God.
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- [Janice] I don't see
how you get through a day
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without God, but you're right.
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If you don't have
God at the center,
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I mean that is your focus.
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That's more
important than anything else.
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And in my case, I
married a man who was already
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a mature Christian.
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I grew a little more.
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My experience, even
though I was born into a family
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whose names were on the books,
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you know, technically
they belonged to a church,
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but they never attended.
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I never remember
them coming to church.
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My grandmother took me,
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but Steve
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had a relationship with Christ
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that I needed to
emulate and chose to emulate
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and learn from him because
I recognized he had something
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that was deeper than what I had.
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When Christ is the focus,
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and that is what's
number one in your marriage,
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automatically, I'm
not number one anymore.
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And that's a good thing.
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And in Steve's,
in his perspective,
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he's not number one.
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Christ is, so we both
have the same number one.
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- It starts out right
in the Garden of Eden.
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Basically God says, "A man
shall leave mother and father
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"and the woman comes
and they join together
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"and become one flesh."
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That doesn't
mean-- - And we're better
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together - Yeah.
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- I am a much stronger
person, a stronger Christian,
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a better person because
I have Steve in my life.
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And I think he
would agree the same,
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that he's stronger.
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We each bring something
different to that relationship.
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And we recognize each other's
strengths and weaknesses.
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And we bolster the
one where they're weak
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and are proud of the
one where they're strong.
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- Right, at the
creation story, God says,
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"Let us make man in our
image after our likeness.
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"Created them,
he male and female."
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It took a man and a woman to
represent the totality of God
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in my mind, I mean, it's
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very plain that-- -
'Cause neither one of us
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is as good
separately - has it all.
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- as we are together.
- Exactly, exactly, now,
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For Janine and I, like I told
you, we, we had some troubles.
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She was an only child.
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I was an only child. - Uh-oh.
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- I don't know of
how many (Janice laughs)
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people can understand
what that really means,
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when you come into a marriage,
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and you've had all,
everything, as yours,
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it's mine, mine, mine, (laughs)
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and all of this, and we came
into the marriage with that.
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And all of a sudden,
and I actually had had a,
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a good family upbringing.
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My mom and dad, I
never saw them fight.
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I still can't imagine how
that actually occurred. (laughs)
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(Janice laughs)
Never saw them fight.
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Janine, on the other hand,
it was fighting all the time.
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And we came into this marriage
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bringing all of this baggage,
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all of this stuff in.
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Boy, it was, it was hard.
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And about the,
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well, I don't know, year five,
00:07:01.48\00:07:03.82
this was getting tough.
00:07:05.15\00:07:06.86
And it was really bad.
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By this time we'd
become Christians,
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and we said, we've
gotta make this work.
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There, there isn't any option.
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We, we came together
for better or for worse.
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And there gets to be some worse.
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And that's, folks
have to realize that.
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There is worse; you
can't just bail out.
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And we decided, we
found a Christian counselor.
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One of the first
things she told me is
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"You gotta listen to
your wife a little bit."
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(Janice laughs)
And that was a real big
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revelation, and, but it worked.
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It was, there were some
tremendous things that happened.
00:07:36.45\00:07:39.45
And we also, we went
to a seminar one time
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about communication,
just what you said earlier.
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Communication is
so big. - Mm-hmm.
00:07:45.59\00:07:47.83
- It starts again,
back in the Garden of Eden,
00:07:47.83\00:07:50.37
when Adam and Eve disobeyed God,
00:07:50.37\00:07:53.17
they chose to not
communicate with God any longer.
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And it drove a
wedge also between them
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immediately. -
And it happened very
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quickly. - Yeah, immediately.
00:08:00.24\00:08:02.64
"God, it's all your fault;
you created the woman. (laughs)
00:08:02.64\00:08:06.88
"It asked the woman,
God, it's all your fault.
00:08:06.88\00:08:08.28
"You created the
serpent," (Janice laughs)
00:08:08.28\00:08:09.82
and everybody goes
away and doesn't talk.
00:08:09.82\00:08:13.19
And that's been the pattern,
and the devil loves that.
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If he can bring
that in the household,
00:08:15.72\00:08:17.63
he's got the marriage, right?
00:08:17.63\00:08:19.33
- Oh, he does.
00:08:19.33\00:08:20.73
You know, my upbringing was
a little more like Janine's.
00:08:20.73\00:08:24.27
I did not have a good
example of a strong marriage.
00:08:24.27\00:08:29.34
I had parents who, I
realize in retrospect,
00:08:30.44\00:08:33.54
had the same
argument for 30 years,
00:08:33.54\00:08:36.98
and it would get a
little ugly sometimes.
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They'd go in between,
everything would seem fine,
00:08:41.25\00:08:44.15
but it was very,
very superficial.
00:08:44.15\00:08:46.65
And then the
tension would start to build
00:08:46.65\00:08:48.32
because they never really
resolved any of their issues.
00:08:48.32\00:08:53.23
It was just have a flare-up
00:08:53.23\00:08:56.23
and scream and yell
and throw things and
00:08:56.23\00:09:00.94
get that little
bit out of your system
00:09:00.94\00:09:03.44
and then never
talk about it again.
00:09:03.44\00:09:05.27
Steve was so good for me
00:09:06.37\00:09:08.54
because I didn't
know how to communicate.
00:09:08.54\00:09:12.55
He knew something was wrong
00:09:12.55\00:09:14.35
when he realized I
had stopped talking,
00:09:14.35\00:09:17.12
and he would go, "What's wrong?"
00:09:17.12\00:09:18.79
"Nothing," you know, I don't
know if you've ever gotten that
00:09:18.79\00:09:21.96
from Janine, but Steve
used to get that a lot.
00:09:21.96\00:09:25.03
And he knew that
there was a lot wrong,
00:09:25.03\00:09:27.93
that when I said,
"Nothing," it meant exactly
00:09:27.93\00:09:30.40
the opposite. -
There's a whole bunch
00:09:30.40\00:09:31.40
of stuff wrong. - Oh yes.
00:09:31.40\00:09:33.03
But he would have to
literally kind of badger me
00:09:33.03\00:09:35.90
and nag me to get me to
finally tell him what was wrong.
00:09:35.90\00:09:40.04
I was so afraid
of having a fight
00:09:40.04\00:09:43.14
that I was just
avoiding conflict
00:09:43.14\00:09:46.21
and that's still
my go-to position,
00:09:46.21\00:09:48.15
but I realized you
have to be a big girl.
00:09:48.15\00:09:51.35
And it is so much
better to mention something
00:09:51.35\00:09:53.89
that's bothering
you or worrying you,
00:09:53.89\00:09:57.03
- Yeah, I think-- -
before it gets to the
00:09:57.03\00:09:59.66
blow-up phase. - I
think Janine kind of
00:09:59.66\00:10:02.06
took it to heart
about when the Bible says,
00:10:02.06\00:10:03.77
"Don't let the sun
go down on your wrath."
00:10:03.77\00:10:06.90
Well, we'd get to
nighttime, and when I go to bed,
00:10:06.90\00:10:10.67
I'm ready to go to
sleep (Janice laughs)
00:10:10.67\00:10:12.61
and we'd get in the bed
and I'm just about to sleep,
00:10:12.61\00:10:15.08
and she wants to
talk about the fight
00:10:15.08\00:10:16.71
or whatever we
had, you know, - Mm-hmm.
00:10:16.71\00:10:18.51
- earlier in the day. -
And you're going, "Can't we
00:10:18.51\00:10:19.88
"talk about it tomorrow?"
- I'm ready to go to sleep,
00:10:19.88\00:10:21.85
yeah, but over,
over the years, you know,
00:10:21.85\00:10:24.09
I began to realize, "Okay,
00:10:24.09\00:10:25.52
"whatever
happened during the day,
00:10:25.52\00:10:26.89
"we've gotta settle - Yeah.
00:10:26.89\00:10:28.06
- before we get to bed,
00:10:28.06\00:10:29.82
you know, there
isn't any problem in life
00:10:29.82\00:10:31.86
that's too big that some
communication can't handle.
00:10:31.86\00:10:35.96
- Because it
doesn't actually go away
00:10:35.96\00:10:37.50
just because you're
not talking about it.
00:10:37.50\00:10:39.20
- Oh yeah, and,
and I don't know,
00:10:39.20\00:10:40.67
maybe it's a woman thing,
00:10:40.67\00:10:42.54
but a woman has a
notebook of everything
00:10:42.54\00:10:45.01
the guy has done wrong
forever (Janice laughs)
00:10:45.01\00:10:46.91
and can bring it up
at the moment's notice
00:10:46.91\00:10:49.08
- Yes, yes. - of
any past history,
00:10:49.08\00:10:50.38
is that right? - We
have very good memories.
00:10:50.38\00:10:52.01
- Yeah, yeah, but a guy-- -
We're good at keeping lists.
00:10:52.01\00:10:54.52
- A guy doesn't understand,
you know, matter of fact,
00:10:54.52\00:10:56.58
what, there's a,
00:10:56.58\00:10:57.99
"Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus,"
00:10:57.99\00:11:00.42
- Yes. - and it's true.
00:11:00.42\00:11:02.99
Why, because God
created us different
00:11:02.99\00:11:05.99
to meld us together to represent
00:11:05.99\00:11:07.86
that perfect oneness in God.
00:11:07.86\00:11:09.73
Doesn't mean
00:11:09.73\00:11:11.13
that I've got to
think just like you,
00:11:11.13\00:11:13.30
and you gotta
think just like me,
00:11:13.30\00:11:15.77
but we each, in
our sphere, bring a,
00:11:15.77\00:11:17.71
a beautiful
wholeness to a marriage.
00:11:17.71\00:11:20.01
Have you found that?
00:11:20.01\00:11:21.21
- Oh yes.
00:11:21.21\00:11:22.61
We get into big trouble when I
00:11:22.61\00:11:25.65
keep trying to, well, not lead,
00:11:25.65\00:11:27.65
but when I keep trying to win
00:11:27.65\00:11:29.48
because often that's
what it's coming down to.
00:11:29.48\00:11:32.12
I have to take a hard
look at myself and realize,
00:11:32.12\00:11:36.36
"Okay, what has you
upset right now, Janice?
00:11:36.36\00:11:39.93
"Isn't the issue that
you're telling Steve it is."
00:11:41.30\00:11:45.03
What is really at
the heart of that is that
00:11:45.03\00:11:48.50
I'm trying
00:11:48.50\00:11:50.01
to win.
00:11:50.01\00:11:50.77
My pride doesn't
like to admit that
00:11:52.44\00:11:55.14
he's probably more right
than I am right this moment.
00:11:55.14\00:11:59.45
I will keep going,
"But what about this?
00:11:59.45\00:12:02.52
"But what about this?"
00:12:02.52\00:12:04.65
And you have to go, sometimes,
00:12:04.65\00:12:07.89
you have to just
let it go and say,
00:12:07.89\00:12:10.79
"What's the worst
that's gonna happen
00:12:10.79\00:12:12.19
"if I let him win this time?"
00:12:12.19\00:12:14.83
You know, Steve is a fishermen.
00:12:14.83\00:12:17.83
He might be a surgeon for
a profession but at heart,
00:12:17.83\00:12:21.50
he is a fisherman. -
He's all fisherman, yeah.
00:12:21.50\00:12:23.61
- Yes.
00:12:23.61\00:12:24.41
I have had more friends saying,
00:12:24.41\00:12:26.88
"Janice, how can you stand it
00:12:26.88\00:12:28.48
"that he goes fishing so often?
00:12:28.48\00:12:30.71
"I would never let my
husband go that much."
00:12:30.71\00:12:33.62
And I say, "What would I win?"
00:12:34.52\00:12:36.45
If I nagged him,
"You're going fishing again?
00:12:36.45\00:12:38.82
"You know, I had a list of
things I needed to do today
00:12:38.82\00:12:41.26
"or needed you to do today.
00:12:41.26\00:12:43.76
"And, you know,
you're going fishing?
00:12:43.76\00:12:45.29
"You went last
weekend; you did this."
00:12:45.29\00:12:48.06
If he stayed
home and went, "Fine,
00:12:48.06\00:12:50.40
"where is your list?"
00:12:50.40\00:12:52.27
Would we have a
fun time that weekend?
00:12:52.27\00:12:54.90
I might get a few things done.
00:12:54.90\00:12:57.21
You know, he might take
care of a few things I had
00:12:57.21\00:12:59.47
on my list, but
what would I have won?
00:12:59.47\00:13:02.51
Absolutely nothing.
- Yeah, big fat zero.
00:13:02.51\00:13:04.58
Yeah. - Right, that is something
00:13:04.58\00:13:06.61
I let go because I realized
00:13:06.61\00:13:09.35
he might be gone more than I
would choose to have him gone,
00:13:10.72\00:13:14.52
but he's in a, such a, a much
better mood when he gets home.
00:13:14.52\00:13:18.59
That's his relaxation.
00:13:18.59\00:13:20.30
That's when he can be away from
any calls from the hospital.
00:13:20.30\00:13:23.67
He truly can have a good time,
00:13:23.67\00:13:27.04
and when he comes
home, he's a happy husband.
00:13:27.04\00:13:29.60
- You know, what I've found is,
00:13:29.60\00:13:31.14
to me, that I
look at many marriages,
00:13:31.14\00:13:33.71
and I tell people,
you know, the problem is
00:13:33.71\00:13:36.38
you bailed out
too soon, you know?
00:13:36.38\00:13:38.28
- Yeah. - We, we've had 50 years
00:13:38.28\00:13:39.85
of marriage, and I
kind of joke about,
00:13:39.85\00:13:41.38
"And the last 15 or 20 have been
00:13:41.38\00:13:43.39
"fabulous," you
know? (Janice laughs)
00:13:43.39\00:13:45.32
It took, it took all
00:13:45.32\00:13:46.82
that time to begin
learning the things.
00:13:46.82\00:13:48.56
You know what I mean?
00:13:48.56\00:13:49.56
Two people outta
totally different lives
00:13:49.56\00:13:51.63
melding into one becoming
that one in the Lord takes time.
00:13:51.63\00:13:55.60
It, it's like you
don't run out in the garden
00:13:55.60\00:13:57.53
and you grab up a, you know,
00:13:57.53\00:13:59.23
something out of the
garden when it's halfway grown
00:13:59.23\00:14:01.37
and say, "Oh, wow,
it hadn't grown up yet.
00:14:01.37\00:14:03.57
"I, I'm not gonna
grow any more onions,"
00:14:03.57\00:14:05.54
- Right. - or whatever it is.
00:14:05.54\00:14:06.61
You know, you've
gotta give it time,
00:14:06.61\00:14:08.78
and what's
exciting is on this end now,
00:14:08.78\00:14:11.81
it is so much fun.
00:14:11.81\00:14:13.38
I mean, you, when you really
start becoming one in Christ,
00:14:13.38\00:14:16.42
it's fun, but you've gotta get
through the other stuff, too.
00:14:16.42\00:14:19.92
And I think what
we're both talking about
00:14:19.92\00:14:22.59
is right back to that
beginning: communication.
00:14:22.59\00:14:25.86
You've gotta keep
the communication open.
00:14:25.86\00:14:28.10
And one of the
things that's helped Janine
00:14:28.10\00:14:30.67
and has, has helped
me is a hot tub. (laughs)
00:14:30.67\00:14:33.54
- [Janice] Oh, I would
love to have a hot tub.
00:14:33.54\00:14:35.64
I have not talked
Steve into having one yet,
00:14:35.64\00:14:38.31
but yes, I think a hot tub would
solve a lot of my problems.
00:14:38.31\00:14:41.04
- Yeah, I'd like
to tell everybody,
00:14:41.04\00:14:42.04
"Get a hot tub,"
because (Janice laughs)
00:14:42.04\00:14:43.31
all of a sudden, at nighttime,
we get in the hot tub,
00:14:43.31\00:14:45.71
there's only a few feet
apart, (laughs) you know?
00:14:45.71\00:14:48.08
- Yeah. - And we start talking.
00:14:48.08\00:14:49.18
We start relaxing
under the stars or whatever,
00:14:49.18\00:14:51.12
and you begin talking
about things of the day,
00:14:51.12\00:14:54.22
and it's just a
wonderful time of communication.
00:14:54.22\00:14:57.59
- I find the same thing,
maybe not quite as comfortable
00:14:57.59\00:15:01.10
in the car
00:15:01.10\00:15:02.66
because sometimes it's
easier to broach a topic
00:15:02.66\00:15:06.43
when you're not face-to-face.
00:15:06.43\00:15:08.90
Steve is usually driving.
00:15:10.11\00:15:12.01
And if he's
driving, he's looking ahead.
00:15:13.61\00:15:16.14
I can bring things
up without this intense.
00:15:17.28\00:15:20.45
Somehow that seems a little more
00:15:21.62\00:15:22.88
confrontational.
- Well, see, we're,
00:15:22.88\00:15:24.19
we're in the dark at
nighttime in the hot tub.
00:15:24.19\00:15:25.69
So yeah, same
thing - Same thing.
00:15:25.69\00:15:27.42
It feels a little safer.
00:15:27.42\00:15:28.89
That environment is safer,
00:15:28.89\00:15:31.09
but you're
right, it also puts you,
00:15:31.09\00:15:32.89
you're more relaxed.
00:15:32.89\00:15:34.23
There is a time
to bring up an issue
00:15:35.60\00:15:38.93
and there are times
not to bring up an issue.
00:15:38.93\00:15:41.64
You have to time
things correctly.
00:15:42.74\00:15:44.17
And that comes from
knowing your spouse.
00:15:44.17\00:15:45.94
- Yeah. - I can tell,
00:15:45.94\00:15:47.64
is this a good
time to talk to Steve
00:15:47.64\00:15:50.11
or should I
maybe wait, you know?
00:15:50.11\00:15:52.75
A few minutes can
make a huge difference.
00:15:52.75\00:15:55.12
- Absolutely. - Let him eat.
00:15:55.12\00:15:56.72
Let him get a few
minutes out in his garden first.
00:15:56.72\00:15:59.59
Sometimes you don't
need to just be on him
00:16:01.02\00:16:03.06
the moment he
walks through the door.
00:16:03.06\00:16:04.79
That's something I learned
00:16:04.79\00:16:06.39
when he was going
through his training,
00:16:06.39\00:16:08.03
going through his
surgery residency program.
00:16:08.03\00:16:11.27
I realized there were times
00:16:11.27\00:16:13.60
where I was already
tense and angry at him
00:16:13.60\00:16:17.37
before he'd even gotten home,
00:16:17.37\00:16:19.37
just because I was
doing everything myself.
00:16:19.37\00:16:22.18
And once we had
00:16:22.18\00:16:23.58
our first child while he
was still in residency program,
00:16:23.58\00:16:27.42
it was like being a single mom.
00:16:27.42\00:16:29.42
You have all that
extra burden in that
00:16:29.42\00:16:32.12
your husband wasn't
around when you needed him
00:16:32.12\00:16:34.52
or wanted him.
00:16:34.52\00:16:36.09
And so he would open that door,
00:16:36.09\00:16:38.29
and I was already giving
him a litany of everything
00:16:38.29\00:16:41.53
that had gone wrong that day
00:16:41.53\00:16:43.26
and basically blaming
him for not being there
00:16:43.26\00:16:46.00
like a decent husband
00:16:46.00\00:16:47.07
would have been. - Yeah.
00:16:47.07\00:16:48.87
- [Janice] Learning
that lesson, having that,
00:16:48.87\00:16:51.91
that insight helped a lot.
00:16:51.91\00:16:55.01
I could go,
"Okay, he is home now.
00:16:55.01\00:16:58.21
"Let's let him enjoy
being home for a little bit
00:16:58.21\00:17:01.92
"before I bring up--
- Caring for your spouse
00:17:01.92\00:17:05.05
for their happiness,
that's - Right, thinking about
00:17:05.05\00:17:07.86
the other person and
making that a higher priority
00:17:07.86\00:17:11.36
than my emotions at the moment.
00:17:11.36\00:17:13.50
- That's what, when
I read, and it says,
00:17:13.50\00:17:15.66
"Husbands, love your
wives," well okay, that's good.
00:17:15.66\00:17:19.30
How: as Christ loved the church.
00:17:19.30\00:17:22.40
Whoa, Christ
died for the church.
00:17:22.40\00:17:26.01
Do I have that much
commitment to my spouse?
00:17:26.01\00:17:28.28
Do I love my spouse that much?
00:17:28.28\00:17:30.61
I mean, that's the goal.
00:17:30.61\00:17:32.08
And so just
what you're saying is
00:17:32.08\00:17:34.38
we need to create a
situation of whatever I can do
00:17:34.38\00:17:37.92
to make my wife
happier. - Right.
00:17:37.92\00:17:40.12
- And if I'm doing
that and she is doing that,
00:17:40.12\00:17:42.36
wow, man, it's
just this spiral upward,
00:17:42.36\00:17:44.76
- Yeah. - you know, to change
00:17:44.76\00:17:46.03
our hearts and lives. -
We live in a society though
00:17:46.03\00:17:48.60
where more and
more, it's me, me, me.
00:17:48.60\00:17:52.10
People talk about self care
00:17:52.10\00:17:54.17
and you have to
make yourself number one.
00:17:54.17\00:17:57.24
But the, in scripture,
00:17:57.24\00:17:59.87
you make the other number one,
00:17:59.87\00:18:02.91
and you make God number one.
00:18:02.91\00:18:04.88
And like I said,
00:18:04.88\00:18:06.31
at best, you have
the second position,
00:18:06.31\00:18:09.28
but that's better
than putting yourself
00:18:09.28\00:18:10.72
in the first position. - Yeah.
00:18:10.72\00:18:12.52
- In a marriage, it's God,
00:18:12.52\00:18:15.36
then
00:18:15.36\00:18:16.22
us, your spouse,
00:18:16.22\00:18:17.99
us,
00:18:17.99\00:18:19.33
and then me, because
left to my own devices,
00:18:19.33\00:18:22.93
without God, it's hard
enough to fight it with God,
00:18:22.93\00:18:26.94
I hate to
admit, but without God,
00:18:26.94\00:18:29.90
I would be so
selfish and self centered.
00:18:29.90\00:18:33.24
- Yeah. - It is only,
00:18:33.24\00:18:35.28
only God in my
life that has made me
00:18:35.28\00:18:38.91
a wife that
Steve likes to be with,
00:18:38.91\00:18:41.52
has made me a mother that
my kids enjoy being around,
00:18:41.52\00:18:44.92
has made me a friend
that friends like to be with,
00:18:44.92\00:18:48.89
because
otherwise, I see that in me.
00:18:48.89\00:18:51.89
It's still there to an extent
it shouldn't be, you know?
00:18:51.89\00:18:55.80
It's that constant
struggle, that daily struggle.
00:18:55.80\00:18:58.70
Don't
00:18:58.70\00:18:59.77
let me step in
and be my own God.
00:18:59.77\00:19:03.20
- Yeah, the Lord
says, "Die to self."
00:19:03.20\00:19:05.44
How often do we do that?
00:19:05.44\00:19:06.27
He says, "Daily."
00:19:06.27\00:19:07.81
- But we live in a world
that's constantly telling us
00:19:07.81\00:19:10.41
to cater to self. - Yeah, yeah,
00:19:10.41\00:19:12.35
And, yeah, that's a,
that's a continual struggle,
00:19:12.35\00:19:14.92
but it is interesting.
00:19:14.92\00:19:16.32
When you were talking there.
I was thinking about, yeah,
00:19:16.32\00:19:17.72
when, when Janine and I
have studied the Bible together,
00:19:17.72\00:19:20.22
we've talked
about Biblical things,
00:19:20.22\00:19:21.72
we've prayed together,
00:19:21.72\00:19:23.09
it's so much harder to get
up from there and go argue.
00:19:23.09\00:19:26.83
- (laughs) Yeah. -
You know, it really is.
00:19:26.83\00:19:28.60
- It is. -
Whole different thing.
00:19:28.60\00:19:29.90
Now, speaking of,
speaking of arguing,
00:19:29.90\00:19:32.00
one of the things in my
mind that causes huge troubles
00:19:32.00\00:19:34.84
in marriage is money.
00:19:34.84\00:19:37.27
You ever had that
trouble in your marriage?
00:19:37.27\00:19:39.37
- [Janice] Oh, that's
baggage I took into my marriage
00:19:39.37\00:19:42.91
because my parents
00:19:42.91\00:19:45.18
argued about money.
00:19:45.18\00:19:46.92
That was a huge,
when dad would sit down
00:19:46.92\00:19:49.08
to do the monthly bills,
00:19:49.08\00:19:51.15
you wanted to be
somewhere other than home,
00:19:51.15\00:19:53.96
at, you know, or upstairs
in your room or something,
00:19:53.96\00:19:57.13
because you did
not want to be around.
00:19:57.13\00:19:59.73
He would be, you know,
"Pat, what was this check for?
00:19:59.73\00:20:03.50
"Why do you do, why
did it cost that much?"
00:20:03.50\00:20:05.57
Just making my mother
account for every penny.
00:20:05.57\00:20:09.57
And I grew up knowing
00:20:09.57\00:20:11.41
money's scary.
00:20:11.41\00:20:12.91
You know, I hate to admit it.
00:20:12.91\00:20:14.48
Boy, I have never
balanced my own checkbook.
00:20:14.48\00:20:17.88
(Jim laughs) I
know people nowadays
00:20:17.88\00:20:19.15
don't even use a
checkbook - You just did now
00:20:19.15\00:20:20.62
on worldwide
television. - I, I know, I,
00:20:20.62\00:20:24.02
that's how bad I am with money.
00:20:24.02\00:20:26.02
It's more,
00:20:26.02\00:20:27.56
"Steve, we need a new couch.
00:20:27.56\00:20:30.13
"Can we do that now?
00:20:30.13\00:20:31.23
"Should I wait,"
(laughs) you know?
00:20:31.23\00:20:33.09
But sometimes when
he is doing the bills,
00:20:33.09\00:20:36.20
'cause I happily let him,
00:20:36.20\00:20:37.60
because money to
me is terrifying,
00:20:37.60\00:20:39.50
occasionally it would be,
00:20:40.70\00:20:42.17
he just couldn't read my writing
on the check or something.
00:20:42.17\00:20:45.31
And so he, he just
had a little question.
00:20:45.31\00:20:47.51
"Hey, Janice, what was this?"
00:20:47.51\00:20:49.11
My stomach would tighten up.
00:20:49.11\00:20:51.61
I would
practically have a panic attack
00:20:51.61\00:20:54.38
because it's, "Oh no,
I'm in trouble, money"
00:20:54.38\00:20:57.52
And Steve has
never been like that.
00:20:57.52\00:20:59.95
- Now I'm guessing
I've gotta stop you kinda
00:20:59.95\00:21:01.36
in the middle of this
because you're talking,
00:21:01.36\00:21:02.89
I'm thinking, "They
are gonna be viewers
00:21:02.89\00:21:05.43
that are saying, "Boy
she is just under his thumb,"
00:21:05.43\00:21:08.73
you know? (laughs)
- Oh no, no, I happily
00:21:08.73\00:21:09.86
let him do it. (laughs)
00:21:09.86\00:21:12.10
Nobody, all the organizations
I've ever been a member of,
00:21:12.10\00:21:15.27
no one has ever suggested
that Janice be treasurer.
00:21:15.27\00:21:18.57
That's not the way
our marriage works.
00:21:18.57\00:21:20.54
If it seems like he's
in control of the money,
00:21:21.64\00:21:23.68
it's because I asked him to be.
00:21:23.68\00:21:25.65
I let him do that,
00:21:25.65\00:21:27.82
ordered him to
do it, (Jim laughs)
00:21:27.82\00:21:29.48
and said, "You are
so much better at this.
00:21:29.48\00:21:32.09
"I'm a mess.
00:21:32.09\00:21:33.32
"It's just too emotional for me.
00:21:33.32\00:21:35.32
"Just let me know if I can
have the new couch or not."
00:21:35.32\00:21:38.09
But no, no, I,
I am my own woman.
00:21:38.96\00:21:42.00
He would, Steve is too,
00:21:42.00\00:21:45.17
too smart of a man,
00:21:45.17\00:21:46.57
too wise a man,
00:21:46.57\00:21:48.27
to take me on. (laughs)
00:21:48.27\00:21:49.70
- (laughs) So you
each have your own space.
00:21:49.70\00:21:52.81
- Oh, yeah. - You're, you know,
00:21:52.81\00:21:54.08
things that you like
to do and the directions,
00:21:54.08\00:21:55.91
and you each - Mm-hmm.
00:21:55.91\00:21:56.88
- are in harmony about all that.
00:21:56.88\00:21:58.51
- Oh, absolutely,
and that's why it works
00:21:58.51\00:22:00.92
because they're-- -
How long did it take
00:22:00.92\00:22:02.58
to work? - How long have we been
00:22:02.58\00:22:04.42
married?
00:22:04.42\00:22:05.49
43 years. (laughs)
- Took all that time?
00:22:05.49\00:22:07.29
- No, actually, it's
gotten better, as you said.
00:22:08.56\00:22:11.53
You, you smooth
down those rough edges.
00:22:11.53\00:22:14.46
Things go so much
more smoothly now.
00:22:15.60\00:22:18.17
That's why I think you had
a good point when you said,
00:22:18.17\00:22:20.40
"People give up
too soon sometimes."
00:22:20.40\00:22:22.60
I can look back and see places
00:22:22.60\00:22:24.71
where I could have
totally justified saying,
00:22:24.71\00:22:28.18
"That's it; I'm out the door,"
00:22:28.18\00:22:30.31
but I'm so glad I didn't.
00:22:30.31\00:22:31.65
- Yeah, it's gotten really good.
00:22:32.55\00:22:33.92
- It has. - Yet
another area that
00:22:33.92\00:22:36.35
seems like maybe
people should consider
00:22:36.35\00:22:38.69
as kind of a state of the union.
00:22:38.69\00:22:40.56
Each year you get together
and you kinda lay things out.
00:22:41.89\00:22:44.39
Where are we;
where are we going?
00:22:44.39\00:22:46.33
Let's plan for our future.
00:22:46.33\00:22:48.26
Sometimes I think people,
there's an old saying that says,
00:22:49.70\00:22:52.23
you know, "We spend more
time planning our vacation
00:22:52.23\00:22:54.67
"than we do the
rest of our lives."
00:22:54.67\00:22:56.91
- Oh, absolutely,
and I love that idea.
00:22:56.91\00:22:59.51
Every successful organization,
00:22:59.51\00:23:02.14
the board comes together to go,
00:23:02.14\00:23:03.81
"Okay, what are our
goals in the next year?
00:23:03.81\00:23:05.68
"How did we do this last year?"
00:23:05.68\00:23:07.72
And it pays to take stock
00:23:07.72\00:23:09.85
before you've really veered off
00:23:09.85\00:23:11.65
from where you want to be.
00:23:11.65\00:23:13.32
That's really good.
00:23:13.32\00:23:14.99
I'm actually
gonna remember that.
00:23:14.99\00:23:16.02
- You're gonna
remember that, huh?
00:23:16.02\00:23:17.23
(Janice laughs) You
know, another area that
00:23:17.23\00:23:19.93
I think about is, and people
don't wanna touch it too much
00:23:19.93\00:23:23.16
is the sexuality
of a marriage, though.
00:23:23.16\00:23:26.03
I think it's
really critical that
00:23:26.03\00:23:27.97
we don't use it as a weapon.
00:23:27.97\00:23:29.54
That it's a
situation where, you know,
00:23:30.57\00:23:33.34
the husband and wife in a
harmonious Christ-like marriage
00:23:33.34\00:23:38.21
share and are
open about all that.
00:23:38.21\00:23:39.88
You don't get, "Well, you know,
00:23:39.88\00:23:41.95
"you were mean
to me this morning.
00:23:41.95\00:23:43.49
"I'm gonna make you
pay tonight." (laughs)
00:23:43.49\00:23:45.15
(Janice laughs) Now
you probably have never
00:23:45.15\00:23:47.82
done that in your marriage.
- Not that I'm ever going
00:23:47.82\00:23:50.49
to admit. (laughs)
00:23:50.49\00:23:52.76
- But, but that's
something, you know,
00:23:52.76\00:23:54.10
that people fight about
that area of their lives, too.
00:23:54.10\00:23:57.03
Any advice for, you
know, young, young men,
00:23:58.20\00:24:00.97
young women, you know, young
00:24:00.97\00:24:02.17
married couples? -
How much time do we have?
00:24:02.17\00:24:03.37
(Janice laughs) - Oh,
you know, not too much
00:24:03.37\00:24:04.81
left, but
00:24:04.81\00:24:05.71
you know, give
us a little bit of--
00:24:06.84\00:24:07.64
- I think it just goes down to
00:24:07.64\00:24:09.88
that same principle of
00:24:09.88\00:24:12.05
not insisting on your own
way, your own needs, me, me, me.
00:24:12.05\00:24:17.12
When you have put
the other one first,
00:24:18.22\00:24:20.76
when each of you is
putting the other first,
00:24:21.82\00:24:25.86
you're going to be so
much happier with each other
00:24:25.86\00:24:28.16
that a lot of the relationship
literally falls into place.
00:24:28.16\00:24:32.43
- I'm thinking of a
Biblical text maybe right now
00:24:32.43\00:24:34.74
that fits exactly what
you're saying; you know,
00:24:34.74\00:24:36.60
it's First Corinthians.
- I might be thinking of
00:24:36.60\00:24:37.87
the same one, yes. -
Yeah, First Corinthians,
00:24:37.87\00:24:39.97
chapter 13, it says
"Love is patient and kind."
00:24:39.97\00:24:43.31
Well, we can all
use that in a marriage.
00:24:43.31\00:24:45.65
"It doesn't envy or boast
00:24:45.65\00:24:47.95
"nor is it puffed up
with its own importance."
00:24:47.95\00:24:51.55
That's where I find I
get in the biggest trouble's
00:24:51.55\00:24:53.69
when I think my situation is
far more important than yours.
00:24:53.69\00:24:57.53
- Exactly.
00:24:57.53\00:24:58.69
If we were to read that daily
00:24:58.69\00:25:01.36
and go, "Okay, as
a husband, as a wife,
00:25:01.36\00:25:04.83
"have I been kind?
00:25:04.83\00:25:06.63
"Have I been patient?
00:25:06.63\00:25:08.84
"Am I a little puffed up
with my own self-importance
00:25:08.84\00:25:12.01
"or my own need
00:25:12.01\00:25:13.71
"to win right now?
00:25:13.71\00:25:16.14
If you compared
yourself to that,
00:25:16.14\00:25:18.51
that's the point of scripture.
00:25:18.51\00:25:20.22
That scripture is our guide
00:25:20.22\00:25:22.12
because that's what God is like.
00:25:22.12\00:25:24.89
And our goal is to be more like
00:25:24.89\00:25:27.19
Christ. - More
like Christ, yeah.
00:25:27.19\00:25:28.59
- And if we were, we'd make
the best husbands and wives.
00:25:28.59\00:25:33.09
- But, it
doesn't even stop there.
00:25:33.09\00:25:34.00
We've got more too.
00:25:34.00\00:25:35.06
"Love is never
rude," never rude.
00:25:35.06\00:25:37.70
Boy, you know, - Ouch.
00:25:37.70\00:25:39.40
I can be so sharp.
00:25:39.40\00:25:41.30
I can, I can send
such, - You and me both.
00:25:41.30\00:25:42.90
- I can send such pointed
00:25:42.90\00:25:44.14
arrows, and God says, - Mm-hmm.
00:25:44.14\00:25:45.47
- No, no, no, no, never let them
00:25:45.47\00:25:46.94
out of your quiver, (laughs)
00:25:46.94\00:25:48.48
(Janice laughs) you know?
00:25:48.48\00:25:50.21
"Nor does it behave disorderly.
00:25:50.21\00:25:52.25
"It is not
interested in itself."
00:25:52.25\00:25:54.92
Well, that comes--
- That's that basic
00:25:54.92\00:25:56.42
selfish core that I know - Yeah.
00:25:56.42\00:25:58.12
- I've got. - Yeah, it, it,
00:25:58.12\00:26:00.32
back to that, I need
to die to self daily.
00:26:00.32\00:26:02.89
- Mm-hmm. - Can't do that unless
00:26:02.89\00:26:04.36
I surrender to God
every morning and every day.
00:26:04.36\00:26:08.16
If I put him first, then
I'm gonna put my spouse first.
00:26:08.16\00:26:10.97
- And everybody else. - Yeah.
00:26:11.87\00:26:13.70
- It's not just your spouse.
00:26:13.70\00:26:15.54
It's how are you
treating everyone else?
00:26:15.54\00:26:17.34
How did you talk to
that waitress today?
00:26:17.34\00:26:20.74
You know, how did you,
00:26:20.74\00:26:22.61
how did you
react when the UPS man,
00:26:22.61\00:26:25.31
there was a
little ding on a corner
00:26:25.31\00:26:26.85
that might not have
even been his fault.
00:26:26.85\00:26:28.62
- Yeah. - The neighbor that,
00:26:28.62\00:26:31.99
you know, parks across the line.
00:26:31.99\00:26:34.92
(Jim laughs)
What's your reaction
00:26:34.92\00:26:36.59
to the people around
you? - Sounds like you've had
00:26:36.59\00:26:37.69
personal experience
with some of these things.
00:26:37.69\00:26:39.03
- (laughs) Maybe.
00:26:39.03\00:26:40.50
- (laughs) "Love
doesn't enjoy evil,
00:26:40.50\00:26:43.87
"but it's always
happy with truth."
00:26:43.87\00:26:46.80
Ooh, and, there's a real key,
00:26:46.80\00:26:48.70
sharing the truth in a marriage,
00:26:48.70\00:26:50.47
"Love bears all things,
00:26:51.54\00:26:52.94
"believes all things,
00:26:52.94\00:26:54.04
"hopes for all things,
00:26:54.04\00:26:55.48
"and endures all things."
00:26:55.48\00:26:57.78
What a, what a key for a,
00:26:59.01\00:27:00.72
for a marriage.
- Quite the goal.
00:27:00.72\00:27:01.52
- Yeah, there it is right there.
00:27:01.52\00:27:02.72
We, if we
00:27:02.72\00:27:04.22
say, "God help me to be
00:27:04.22\00:27:06.79
"this counsel
00:27:06.79\00:27:08.19
"to my spouse." -
And what I need to do
00:27:08.19\00:27:10.73
is say, "Help me to be that,"
00:27:10.73\00:27:12.76
not, "God, look, he
needs to be this." (laughs)
00:27:12.76\00:27:15.30
"Change my
spouse," yeah. (laughs)
00:27:15.30\00:27:17.03
Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Exactly.
00:27:17.03\00:27:19.90
- Now, marriage can
be extremely exciting,
00:27:23.10\00:27:25.97
and it can be your marriage too.
00:27:26.94\00:27:29.51
God created marriage.
00:27:29.51\00:27:31.28
It represents him, the
joining of a man and a woman
00:27:31.28\00:27:34.62
becoming one.
00:27:34.62\00:27:35.88
If you'd like that kind of
happiness for your marriage,
00:27:37.25\00:27:38.99
if you'd like that kind of joy,
00:27:38.99\00:27:40.09
and you're kind of
wondering about it,
00:27:40.09\00:27:41.42
well you can, you can
download a free transcript
00:27:41.42\00:27:44.39
of this program, perhaps
share it with someone else,
00:27:44.39\00:27:46.80
maybe a spouse
or another family,
00:27:46.80\00:27:49.13
another family member.
00:27:49.13\00:27:50.53
Simply go on to
TalkingDonkeyInternational.org,
00:27:50.53\00:27:54.00
download your own free copy.
00:27:54.00\00:27:55.87
And blessings in your marriage.
00:27:55.87\00:27:57.71
(gentle music)
00:27:57.71\00:28:00.68
Hey, thanks for joining
us for "Country Wisdom."
00:28:00.68\00:28:03.28
- See you next
time. (gentle music)
00:28:03.28\00:28:08.35