Participants: Pr. John Coaxum (Host), Geston Pierre, Dr. William Lee, Mike Polite
Series Code: CUL
Program Code: CUL000005A
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00:01 Hi, my name is John Coaxum,
00:03 and welcome to my barbershop Cuttin' Loose. 00:05 You know, the barbershop is one of the last places 00:07 where a guy can come, keep it real, 00:09 and speak freely about his issues in life. 00:11 Today, our topic is a very interesting one. 00:14 We are talking about Player Player. 00:16 Come and join us in the shop. 00:43 All right, 00:45 I got you cleaned one more time, man. 00:46 Ah, I appreciate you, man. 00:48 What's it like, you like it? Yeah, man, good stuff. 00:50 You're the man. 00:51 All right, good enough, man, good enough. 00:53 Good to see you again, Geston. Oh, man. 00:55 All right. Oh! 00:56 What's that? 00:58 She's texting me. 01:00 Who's that? The same girl? 01:01 Oh, no, no, no. This is the other one. 01:05 Hold on a second, hold on. This is the other one. 01:06 How many girls do you have, man? 01:08 Hey, just three, man. Calm down. 01:09 Three girls at the same time? 01:11 Is there anything wrong with having options? 01:14 Dude, I don't know, man. 01:15 I mean, guys, help me out. 01:16 It's a dangerous game, don't get burnt. 01:18 Don't get yourself in trouble. 01:20 Okay. 01:21 All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. 01:22 Let's be honest today, let's just be real transparent. 01:24 How many of you have dated more than one girl at a time? 01:32 I have, I have to be honest, man. 01:34 How was it for you, Mike? What happened? 01:36 Tell me, was it good or bad? 01:37 You can be honest. 01:39 All right, it was good because I never got caught. 01:41 Wow. 01:43 That's always, you know, 01:44 you don't get all the consequences. 01:45 It was bad because it's just 01:47 a lot of project management, brother. 01:49 Keeping this over here, 01:50 making sure this doesn't intersect. 01:52 Making sure I date you today, you tomorrow. 01:54 Oh, man. It's a lot brother. 01:56 Wow. What's up, man? 02:01 I've had a couple different kind of 02:02 circumstances, situations. 02:04 This dating, as in having different girlfriends, 02:07 but, man, the question is what is dating, 02:09 you know, because I've been in situations 02:10 where I've been talking 02:12 to a few people at the same time 02:14 and they all knew it, you know, 02:15 I meet a girl or a girl says, "Hey, man, you're interesting. 02:18 You know, let's talk." 02:19 And I'll say, "Okay, we can talk, 02:20 but I was going to let you know 02:22 I'm talking to a couple other people, you know?" 02:24 And so I fell that... 02:25 At least you're honest, right? 02:27 Yeah, if she's okay with that, you know, then... 02:28 But I think the biggest thing though, 02:30 like what Mike is saying, man, it's a lot to handle, man, 02:32 lot of juggling, time management, 02:34 man, it can be difficult. 02:36 Well, this man needs some help today, man. 02:37 But listen, let me say this, let me say it. 02:39 You said what is dating, 02:41 but I want to know what is talking. 02:42 Well, what is the steps that we take here? 02:44 There's so many words in our society nowadays. 02:47 What is talking, somebody? 02:49 Well, talking is what you do before dating, man. 02:52 What? That's not an answer, help me. 02:54 It's just talking. You're just talking? 02:55 Yeah, we're just getting to know each other. 02:57 I know some people define dating 02:58 as just getting to know each other. 02:59 But talking is like, you know, we spend time, 03:01 we talk on the phone, 03:03 we may hang out once in a blue moon 03:05 but with the intention of, you know, 03:06 getting to know each other so we can decide 03:08 whether or not we want to date. 03:10 Wow. 03:11 And I wanna throw this out there. 03:13 I don't think there's anything wrong 03:14 with dating multiple women at one time. 03:19 I don't think there's nothing wrong with that. 03:20 You're getting in trouble soon. 03:22 You are in trouble. Why? 03:25 The dating part is just me saying, 03:28 "I have some level of interest." 03:30 Okay? 03:32 Now what I do think is wrong is for me to make you feel 03:35 as if you're the only interest and then, 03:38 you know, like we're in this monogamous relationship, 03:42 it's exclusive to us, etcetera. 03:45 But I mean, if it's platonic, I'm dating you, 03:47 hey, I have an interest in you, I'm gonna take you out as well, 03:50 I think we give people too much of a hard time 03:52 which makes them think they have to commit off top, 03:54 like we're married or something. 03:56 But you're asking for something that we as individuals, 03:58 maybe we can't change, 04:00 because dating, from a girl's perspective, 04:01 guys, you know this, when you say, 04:03 "Hey, I'm dating you." 04:04 It means that we are exclusive, 04:05 doesn't that mean that to every girl? 04:07 No, it does not. It does. 04:09 Not to every girl. Help me. 04:11 Not to every girl. Maybe I can help you this way. 04:13 I think that maybe the issue with the whole dating thing is 04:16 you kind of assume that dating means 04:18 there's a level of intimacy, you know. 04:20 If dating is just we're having out, 04:21 getting to know each other, 04:22 I take you out, 04:24 I take you here, take you there, 04:25 I don't think that's an issue, but... 04:26 Hold on a second. 04:28 If I take her to a fast food restaurant, 04:29 we go through the drive through, 04:31 and we're just us by ourselves, is that a date? 04:33 It can be. We are dating. 04:35 I'm taking you out, you know? 04:36 My issue is, you know, 04:38 if you've got four or five girls, 04:40 you know, and you got your arm around all of them, 04:42 you're hugging all of them, you know, 04:45 you're kissing all of them. 04:46 I think when you think dating, you think intimacy, 04:49 you know, it's a level of intimacy that's assumed, 04:51 and I think that's what girls have the issue. 04:53 Okay. 04:54 Because, you know, if her man kisses her, 04:55 she's thinking, "Well, is he kissing, 04:57 you know, other people?" 04:58 I think that's what the issue is. 04:59 Well, then, Mike, you need to clarify for us, man, 05:01 because you just said dating multiple people is cool 05:03 and he just said in dating, you can kiss multiple... 05:05 I mean, what's that? 05:07 I didn't say kiss multiple people. 05:08 I am not advocating this. 05:10 I am not advocating having a harem. 05:11 But you're around the city, man. 05:14 You always got... 05:15 You boot up with four or five females at the same time. 05:18 I'm saying that for me to say I have interest in you 05:21 should not mean that my interest 05:23 is exclusively pointed in your direction. 05:26 Okay. 05:27 And I think a lot of people 05:29 who are in the dating scene today 05:30 feel this pressure to commit up top 05:33 instead of just being honest and say, 05:34 "Right now, I'm not sure if we're good for each other. 05:38 But I'm sure I have an interest. 05:40 Let's go spend some time together." 05:41 So would you advice Geston here, man, 05:43 to tell the girl straight up like, 05:44 "Listen, I just want you to know off top..." 05:46 Maybe even make a contract that she has to sign, 05:48 I don't know. 05:49 Something about all the bullet points like, 05:51 "Listen, we are not dating. 05:52 We are not exclusive." 05:54 This, that, and the third, 05:55 would you advice him to do that? 05:57 I don't know about that. 05:58 The rule I go by is, man, 06:00 whatever you fill out on your IRS form, 06:02 that's what you are. 06:03 I think there is no box that says dating. 06:05 Okay, I'm single until I'm married. 06:07 Wow. Oh, really? 06:09 Okay. Okay. This is big, guys! 06:13 Seriously, so you're saying that until you are married, 06:16 you are single. 06:17 Is that true? I think so. 06:19 Unless you're engaged or courting for marriage, 06:22 I think so, yeah. 06:23 Wow. 06:24 So the girl should not have any major expectations 06:26 from you at all? 06:27 Well, I'm not saying that. 06:29 You're still single, right? 06:30 You're still single, but even in your singleness, 06:32 you can be monogamous. 06:33 Right. I'm old school, man. 06:35 You need to be. 06:39 It's too hard to juggle, too hard to juggle. 06:42 Wow, that's good. 06:44 All right, well, let me ask this question, guys. 06:46 As we're talking about dating and relationships, 06:48 trying to help my brother out, man, 06:50 so he could be a good guy, 06:51 why do guys find it so hard to commit? 06:55 Why is it so hard commit? Seriously. 06:58 I love having options. 07:00 Wow. I love it. 07:02 I love it, I love it, I love it. 07:06 Why do you love having options, man? 07:08 Open the flood gates. 07:10 Really? 07:11 I mean, having options is cool, man, 07:13 'cause you're not... 07:14 I'm sorry to say it. 07:16 I know you guys are married men, 07:17 but I'm not tied down to one person, 07:19 I could explore my options. 07:21 I can get to know different people 07:23 from different backgrounds 07:25 who look differently, 07:26 who have different personalities, 07:28 and I can enjoy life, you know? 07:30 Okay, well, let me ask this. 07:32 So, guys, he said something, 07:33 and we're all married, the rest of us are married. 07:34 Do you feel tied down as a married guy? 07:38 Yes. 07:40 Help us. Tied down, and I'm loving it. 07:42 Wow. Tied down, and I'm loving it. 07:44 He's a liar. 07:46 No other way. 07:48 He's a liar. 07:49 Have you had guys say, you know, 07:50 when you're about to getting married, 07:52 "Oh, you're about to put on the old ball and chain." 07:53 And you guys heard that before, right? 07:54 Yeah. 07:56 They did it to me at my wedding as well. 07:57 Mike, do you feel tied down at all? 07:59 I do. 08:00 But I don't think that restrains are bad. 08:02 I think we got to push back against the ideology 08:05 that if I am restrained, then I'm not free. 08:08 You know, all freedoms are not edifying, 08:11 they're not beneficial really. 08:12 That's good, that's good. 08:13 What about you man? 08:15 Do I feel tied down? 08:16 This is why I got to be careful, man. 08:18 I mean, tied down but in a good way. 08:20 You know, but even, to be honest, 08:21 there are some days where you do wish 08:23 you could probably by yourself for a couple of minutes, 08:26 you know, that's why they go to work. 08:28 You know, that's why we have time apart. 08:30 But tied down? 08:31 I don't know if I feel tied down, man. 08:32 I like your answer, man. 08:34 I'm loving it, I'm loving every second of it. 08:36 I can say the same thing too, man. 08:37 I love my wife, and I don't mind being tied down, man. 08:39 I mean, sometimes she could boss me around. 08:41 I'm not going to trip, you know, 08:42 I'm not going to get upset. 08:44 I know you all are like, no, 08:45 we ain't going to be bossed around. 08:46 That's how I feel, man. 08:48 But yo, check this out, so let me ask this question, 08:49 guys, you know, 08:51 when you're dating multiple girls 08:52 at the same time, who is it more dangerous for? 08:55 Is it more dangerous for Geston right here to play as a player 08:59 or is it more dangerous for the women that he is with? 09:02 I think it's more dangerous... 09:04 It depends on how you address the situation, man. 09:06 You know, I think if Geston is very open 09:09 and lets his intentions be known, 09:11 I don't think there will be too much danger. 09:13 Now people will get, you know, 09:14 attached emotionally so everybody can get hurt. 09:17 But I think if you go in saying, 09:19 "Listen, man, I'm just getting to know people right now, 09:21 you know, so didn't think that, 09:23 you know, you may see them at the mall 09:24 walk with some somebody else, 09:26 you know, but don't take it personal." 09:27 You know, I think that is something different. 09:29 Sure, I understand that. 09:30 But, guys, to be honest, man, that often does not even work. 09:32 I mean, you can almost tell a girl straight to her face, 09:35 like, "Listen, I don't intend to marry you ever, 09:38 we are not really dating right now, 09:40 I just wanna hang out with you." 09:42 And the girl will still get attached. 09:43 Isn't that? 09:44 If it goes too far. 09:46 When... 09:48 I think dating is like being in an ice-cream shop. 09:51 Mm-hm, watch it. 09:53 You can look at all the flavors, right, 09:56 you could take it in for its beauty, 09:59 its aroma, I mean... 10:01 You taste it? 10:03 That's where the issue comes. 10:06 When you start sampling, man, 10:09 I think our ladies would agree that 10:12 a sample takes it beyond I'm interested, 10:15 and in their minds, is a commitment to some level. 10:18 So if you do have multiple interests, 10:21 and you're sampling all of them, 10:23 I do think that becomes a problem. 10:24 What do you mean by sampling though? 10:26 What do you mean by sampling? 10:27 I think the metaphor speaks for itself. 10:28 Taste and see. 10:31 Scripture, really? 10:33 Okay, all right. 10:34 I think, sampling is the physical aspect of it. 10:38 I think, if you're upfront with a young lady, 10:40 "Listen, you know, I'd love to spend this time with you, 10:44 and I am spending time with others." 10:47 If you're getting physical with her, 10:49 she computes that to your spending time 10:52 always equals I'm getting physical. 10:54 Right. 10:55 So guys can kind of be physical with a girl 10:57 and then move on easily, 10:59 more easily than a woman. 11:00 What do you mean by physical though? 11:02 What do you mean by physical? 11:03 Ah, I don't know. 11:04 Let's do the whole gamut, from kissing to actually, 11:06 you know, having sex with a girl, 11:08 is it possible that guys can move on 11:09 easier than a woman can? 11:11 Do you think so? I think so. 11:13 I think so but my problem is though 11:15 that I think we're creating a monster in the sense 11:18 that when we go out and we are dating 11:21 or just, you know, 11:23 my friend, as a guy, 11:25 I don't even know if it's possible for me 11:27 to look at this girl 11:29 who I'm dating or who is my friend 11:32 without having some kind of 11:34 sexual thoughts come to my mind. 11:36 Sure. Sure. 11:37 As a guy, I'm gonna keep it 100%, right? 11:40 Anybody that, you know, 11:42 out of the ice-cream is our potential. 11:45 I may get chocolate, vanilla, a combo, 11:48 but in my mind, it's still potential, 11:50 so I don't know that it's possible 11:52 for a guy to survey 11:54 without having even more thoughts down the road. 11:58 Okay. 11:59 The problem becomes when he acts on those thoughts. 12:00 Right, exactly. 12:02 You said who is it more dangerous for earlier, 12:03 and I can tell you from experience, 12:04 this is me being honest. 12:06 Sure, man. 12:07 At some point, it was a little dangerous for me, 12:09 you know, 'cause at some point, you got to choose somebody. 12:12 At some point, you know you're going to hurt somebody. 12:14 You know, I've had to, you know, 12:16 maybe taste with the spoon 12:18 and then be like, "No, I don't need that flavor." 12:19 And, man, I've hurt some people, seriously. 12:21 What a metaphor. 12:22 I'm just saying, you know, 12:24 I've hurt some people, you know. 12:25 And, you know, we sometimes... 12:26 You don't know what young ladies are thinking. 12:28 You know, I've dated, or talked to, 12:30 however we want to define it. 12:32 At least, one or two people who thought that they were, 12:34 you know, the next Mrs. Douglas... 12:37 And in mind, I was like, 12:39 "Man, you know, I haven't even called you my girlfriend." 12:41 You know? 12:42 But at the time, and Anna was open, 12:44 you know, with these people, man, 12:45 I'm talking to a few people. 12:47 So by the time it came down to me making a choice 12:48 or at least knowing that this is not the one, 12:51 I ended up hurting them, but I mean, 12:53 I know they were hurt but it was a lot for me to deal with, 12:56 you know, it was a lot for me, 12:57 you know, to deal with emotionally, 12:58 then getting attached to people, 13:00 as much as you let people go, as much as, 13:02 you know, one flavor might not taste 13:03 as good as the other flavor, 13:05 sometimes you know, after a while, 13:06 you kind of want to taste the other flavor. 13:08 This and that will never go together. 13:12 And so I think, you know, you hurt other people, 13:14 but you kind of set yourself up 13:15 for some unnecessary heart ache as well. 13:17 So are titles important? 13:19 They work for me. They work for me. 13:22 But those are my own kind of trucks 13:23 to make sure I kept myself... 13:24 You say it, I heard... 13:26 Like, "I haven't even called you 13:27 my girlfriend." 13:29 And I think there are a lot of sisters out there 13:30 who are like, "What am I to you?" 13:32 And they want that title. 13:33 There are some brothers as well who want that title. 13:37 I mean, are those overhyped? 13:39 No, I think the title is good. 13:40 I need a title. 13:44 But honestly, I think this is a man's greatest fear. 13:47 I mean, he's sitting down with the girl 13:48 that he is either talking to, dating, 13:50 flirting with, getting to know, 13:51 all these different titles that we have, 13:52 and she turns to him and, guys, you felt it before, 13:54 like, "Yo, what are we?" 13:56 You know, like, you don't wanna go there. 13:59 I hate that question. 14:00 Red flag! What are we? 14:01 Isn't that a problem, man? It is. 14:03 I was just saying it's a problem, I agree. 14:05 And a friendzone title? 14:07 Yeah. Ah, yeah. 14:08 You deal with those titles. 14:10 I think the title gives some type of validation 14:14 to the person that you're with. 14:16 Sure. 14:17 I think it is the prescribing of value 14:19 that we're really into. 14:21 I wanna know that I mean something 14:23 and I wanna know that what we have is uncommon. 14:25 Right. 14:27 And I think that's the push for title. 14:28 Right. 14:30 You bring up something very good, 14:31 you used a keyword there, man, you said, value, value. 14:32 And a lot of guys don't value the girls that they're dating. 14:36 I mean, most guys are just like, 14:37 "I'm gonna date how many ever girls I want. 14:39 And if I hurt one, so what? 14:40 I just wanna get the one that I want." 14:42 I mean, how much value though does God put on, 14:45 you know, His children and we treat them with so much, 14:48 you know, disrespect. 14:50 So I'm wondering, you know, you're a chaplain. 14:51 Man, you're a pastor as well. 14:53 Guys, help me, from a Biblical perspective 14:56 or spiritual perspective, 14:58 how are we supposed to treat women 14:59 and maybe if you can answer this question, 15:02 should Geston have more than one girlfriend at a time? 15:05 I'm old-school. 15:07 Hands down. All right, all right. 15:08 One woman at a time, no doubt. 15:11 Why? 15:13 Because they are valuable in God's eyes. 15:16 It's different, so when God made man, right, 15:19 He got out his knees, chiseled out a man. 15:23 When he made a woman, now He... 15:25 He built a woman. 15:26 Wow. He built a woman. 15:28 He took that rib, He took His time, 15:29 she is delicate, she is valuable. 15:32 I mean, from the rib, she is a part of him. 15:34 Yes. 15:35 You know, she is a part of us. 15:37 Man, don't jeopardize that thing. 15:39 All right. 15:40 Make it nice, guard it with everything. 15:42 Give her value. Women need value. 15:45 Women need validation. 15:46 Women need to know 15:47 that they are loved and appreciated by their men, 15:49 and if they don't get it from the man, 15:51 they are going to look for other places. 15:52 Right. 15:53 And, you know, I have to say too before you jump in there, 15:55 man, Adam kind of gave Eve a title. 15:57 He said, "Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. 15:59 She is mine." 16:01 Now clearly she was the only one 16:02 in the Garden of Eden. 16:04 Thank you, thank you. I was about to say that. 16:10 Go ahead, man. 16:12 Man, I think this whole girlfriend thing, 16:14 titles, speaking to whatever you may share, 16:18 it depends. 16:19 Is your woman, 16:21 girlfriend with no space in between the words, 16:24 or girl friend with a space, 16:26 is she a girl that's a friend or is she more than a friend? 16:29 And I think we have to be honest as brothers 16:31 when we are interacting with someone to the level 16:35 where she's actually more than a friend. 16:37 If she is just a friend, 16:39 then I actually believe she doesn't mind this concept 16:42 of us chilling together from time to time. 16:45 Sure. 16:46 But when we give her that... 16:48 I'm gonna call it that title, 16:49 that makes her feel whether implied or implicit, 16:53 that makes her feel like, you know, 16:55 this is my man and I am his woman, 16:58 that's when we get into problems. 17:00 Okay. 17:01 I feel you, I feel you. 17:03 Well, I may ask you another challenging 17:04 question here, all right? 17:05 you guys are somewhat, 17:07 we are working on the titles, working on semantics here, 17:08 but you guys are saying that 17:09 we shouldn't be pulling each girl 17:11 by her heart strings, wherever we go, all right? 17:14 We shouldn't be doing that. 17:15 But in the Bible, 17:16 we have so many guys who had multiple wives. 17:19 Talk about it. 17:21 I'm not saying multiple women but multiple wives. 17:23 Abrahams and the Davids and other people in the Bible. 17:26 He was good enough to Solomon. 17:28 Oh, man. 17:29 Don't get me started on Solomon. 17:30 What, 700 wives and the concubines, 17:32 guys, come on, man. 17:34 Help me understand that, please. 17:35 Well, I can't tell you why they did it, 17:39 I could tell you this. 17:40 I'm married, I don't want more than one wife. 17:42 I don't know how Solomon did so many. 17:47 I just, I'm trying to deal with the one I got, so... 17:49 Okay, that's your answer. 17:51 All right, brothers, please help us. 17:52 I mean, you are a chaplain, man, 17:54 if a student walked into your office 17:55 asking you this question and say, 17:57 "Listen, I'm thinking about dating multiple girls 17:59 and possibly marrying multiple girls." 18:00 What would you tell him? 18:02 Man, I'd say, "Brother, you don't know 18:03 the time and the energy that commitment requires." 18:08 Commitment. Oh, yeah. 18:09 And so it's a gauge of being honest, 18:13 I wanna get back to that word. 18:15 How much do I actually have to give? 18:17 I think Solomon with 700 wives, 300 concubines, 18:22 he's not marrying them for their good. 18:24 Okay, okay. 18:25 You know, that's just a stable, it's a warehouse. 18:28 And you know, when I need a product, 18:29 I go, check out my inventory... 18:30 Wow. Wow. 18:32 And then I utilize. That's so disrespectful, man. 18:34 Yo, man, I think that's the concept, 18:35 I think that's the concept. 18:37 Yeah. 18:38 So, Will, would you marry a guy who came into your office... 18:40 Marry a guy? 18:42 No, no, wait oh, 18:44 would you marry a couple, or even if it is a question. 18:47 Will he do the ceremony? 18:50 If a guy walked into your office and said, 18:52 "Listen, I love these three women equally. 18:54 Now I'm providing for them 18:56 and I wanna marry all three of them." 18:57 Would you do it? No, absolutely not. 18:58 Why not? 19:00 You need to take your time and pick what you want. 19:01 Really? Yeah, it's a process. 19:03 Okay. 19:04 It's not an ice-cream, for real, you know, 19:07 because you get the wrong one, 19:08 you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. 19:11 So you got to make sure that you find the one, 19:13 especially the one that God wants you to have. 19:15 Yeah. 19:16 Because we can all have, you know, each one of these 19:19 three can place you in different areas. 19:22 But I believe that there is one that God wants you to have 19:25 that can really be, 19:26 you know, so let's be, your "soulmate," 19:28 or be the one 19:30 who God really expected for you to have. 19:32 All right. 19:33 Sometimes I think when guys date multiple women, 19:35 it's really an escape from making a decision. 19:38 Yeah, well, I think, no matter... 19:41 And this is from my experience, 19:42 no matter how girls you talk to or date the same time, 19:44 you know what you are looking for. 19:46 Do you? You do. 19:48 Every guy in the back of their mind... 19:50 At what age do you know what you are looking for? 19:51 I don't know. 19:53 It was kind of early for me, 19:54 but every guy at the back of their mind knows 19:55 what they are looking for. 19:57 They know the kind of characteristics, 19:58 they know even may be the looks, 19:59 you know, and we date some girls we talk to, 20:02 and we just know they are not the one. 20:03 Okay, I'm gonna challenge you for a moment, okay? 20:05 Because Geston, 20:07 you know, say he is dating multiple women. 20:08 Maybe the reason 20:10 that he is dating multiple women 20:11 is to see what he likes, he doesn't know yet. 20:13 He is trying to test them out and see, 20:14 you know, I like a woman who does this, that... 20:17 he's building this... 20:18 I feel like we say that as an excuse, man. 20:20 Oh. Like we're building... 20:22 Talk to Geston. 20:24 End of the day, we know what we want man. 20:26 Okay, all right. 20:27 So I can't test-drive before I buy it? 20:30 We are buying? Is it a car? This is a woman. 20:37 This is a woman. I love it. 20:38 Yeah? Okay, all right, all right. 20:40 Well, Geston, man, 20:41 I mean, what questions do you have, man? 20:43 So how should I go about navigating 20:46 the seas of dating and explore my options 20:49 in a godly manner? 20:50 Yea, yeah. 20:52 How do you treat a woman like a woman? 20:53 How do you her value? 20:54 Let's just say he is dating one woman at a time. 20:56 Well, how do I date her the right way 20:57 and, oh, I got an even better question for you, guys. 21:00 How do you dump a woman the right way? 21:03 I still haven't figured that out, guys. 21:04 Yeah, that's tough, that's tough. 21:06 Always quieter about that. 21:09 The silence is appropriate, man. 21:10 But listen, I don't think 21:12 I've ever successfully dumped a woman, not successfully. 21:14 What is successfully? 21:15 Successfully in the sense 21:17 that somebody's heart was broken, 21:18 either mine or hers, and somebody was, 21:21 you know, still hanging on a pipedream 21:23 or an expectation that was not realized. 21:25 So I wanna challenge that definition of success. 21:27 Okay, sure. I think honesty is success. 21:31 Okay. 21:32 Honesty and compassion together, 21:35 that makes success, 21:36 especially in a breakup, you have to be compassionate 21:40 of how this is gonna make somebody feel, 21:41 but you need to be honest about you are at. 21:45 I think those two together create 21:47 that successful breakup. 21:49 What usually happens is we try to find some dishonest excuse 21:53 or we are just so blind 21:55 that it's a traumatizing encounter 21:58 for whoever we are dumping. 21:59 Yeah, I agree. 22:01 Yeah, and maybe that's a good definition 22:02 of weakness in a man 22:03 that he is not willing to be honest 22:05 and genuine about really how he feels 22:06 just because he wants to not go there with the woman. 22:09 Right. 22:10 But let me ask you this question too. 22:12 I have been wondering about this. 22:13 If you are dating multiple girls 22:14 now while Geston is single, 22:17 when he gets into marriage, are there any dangers there? 22:19 Absolutely. Absolutely. 22:21 Help me. I'm only a month into marriage. 22:22 You guys help me there. 22:24 Yeah, you are not going to forget. 22:25 I mean, there's some boundaries 22:26 that you got to put up while you are single, right? 22:29 And I'm talking about serious boundaries 22:30 because when you get married, 22:32 I mean, not that really changes... 22:33 I mean, your changes in status 22:35 but those thoughts are still there. 22:38 See I heard of a principle like this, 22:39 that even if someone was sexually active 22:41 before marriage, right, then they are bringing 22:44 all of those thoughts into the bedroom, 22:48 and it isn't changed 22:49 just because you are now monogamous 22:51 with one woman, 22:52 you are bringing all of that stuff 22:54 into the bedroom, 22:55 all those experiences, it's real. 22:58 And you may not be satisfied with the one 23:01 that you are with 23:02 because of all the previous background 23:04 and baggage that you are bringing 23:06 into the current situation, even though it is God-ordained, 23:09 you still are dealing with the baggage. 23:11 That's what I'm saying, "Old school. 23:12 Get one, stay with that one." 23:15 Help me set these boundaries, 23:17 what kind of boundaries should I be setting? 23:18 Listen, man, forget about 23:20 just the emotional and mental connection, man. 23:22 You are going to get phone call, brother. 23:24 I know for me I had to change my phone number. 23:26 Oh, man. Wow. 23:27 Straight up. 23:28 Because you just knew that some people don't call you 23:30 and some people did. 23:31 Some people were like, "Oh, now I have his number. 23:33 I'm gonna connect with him on social media," 23:35 you know, got a couple of emails. 23:36 You know, but I let to some people know, man, 23:38 yeah, there was a reason I changed my number, man. 23:40 It's gonna be kind of tough 23:41 but we move on, we got to let it go. 23:43 We got to let it go. 23:44 Wow. 23:46 And then another boundary is we call these cats players 23:49 because they are moving 23:51 and treating people like pieces. 23:53 That's what I wanna pull out. That's deep, man. 23:55 And I think one boundary has to be, 23:57 when you start engaging an interest 24:01 and it becomes a game 24:03 where they just simply become entertainment 24:06 for your day-to-day routine, you know what I am saying? 24:08 Wow. 24:09 I think that's when it gets out of context. 24:12 I think we actually do injustice to God 24:15 to what He has created, 24:17 and ultimately, we find ourselves 24:19 getting caught up in the same games. 24:21 As Shakespeare says, "Oh, what tangle webs we weave, 24:25 when we seek to deceive." 24:27 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 24:28 And I think that speaks of the boundaries 24:29 we need to set up, back to honesty. 24:31 Right. 24:32 I was gonna say, so not just honesty with the woman 24:34 but honest with yourself as well. 24:35 Yeah. Yeah. 24:36 Yeah, I think in our communities, 24:38 in our society, yeah, even in the world, man, 24:40 when we have a guy who is a "player" 24:42 who has a multiple woman is a badge of honor. 24:46 That we take that badge and we put it on him. 24:48 I remember, you know, even in church functions, 24:49 youth functions, at school, 24:51 you know badge of honor would be given 24:53 based on numbers you got and how many girls 24:57 you were stringing along at the same time. 24:58 And eventually I came 25:00 to the point like, "You know what? 25:01 This is not honoring God at all. 25:03 I'm toying with somebody's life and with their emotions 25:06 and there must be a price to pay." 25:07 Yeah. 25:09 And it's gonna come back to you as well 25:10 because now it's not only the guys that are players, 25:12 women do the same stuff. 25:13 Oh, man. Oh, man. 25:15 The Bible says, "Be not deceived." 25:16 God is not mocked whatsoever, man, sow, 25:18 that's what you'll also reap. 25:20 My mama says what goes around, comes around. 25:23 What's done in the dark 25:24 will sure enough come out in the light. 25:25 You may get played as well, 25:27 your heart will be broken as well. 25:28 Right, I hate to go here, 25:29 this is gonna sound kind of pre-school, 25:31 but I guess you got to ask yourself the question, 25:32 would you want a girl doing that to you? 25:35 A girl that you really, really liked, man, 25:38 and you really had high expectations 25:39 of being with her, would you want to find out 25:42 that she was dating multiple guys at the same time? 25:44 Man, I don't think I would appreciate that. 25:47 Yeah? 25:48 I would say, "Quit playing games with my heart." 25:50 You know, yeah, I wanna be taken seriously, 25:54 and I want her to take me seriously 25:57 and I think that I am important enough 25:59 and Bible enough... 26:01 Wow. Not to be toyed with. 26:03 Yeah, so we should have that same respect for women... 26:06 Sounds like you need to make some phone calls, man. 26:07 I guess I should reciprocate that. 26:09 Excuse me. Yeah. 26:10 That's what it takes. 26:12 But the bottom line is this, man, 26:13 God want us to honor Him in every aspect of our lives 26:16 including relationships. 26:17 Not to string anybody along 26:19 but to treat women with the same respect 26:20 that we wanna be treated, right? 26:22 Man, this is good, guys. I love you. 26:24 I got to close the shop for today. 26:25 Talk to you guys later, man. All right. 26:28 Wish you the best, Geston. Thanks, man. 26:31 All right. 26:36 Man, I love being in the barbershop. 26:38 We had such a real discussion today. 26:40 Now let's be clear. 26:41 Now Bible doesn't say anything about dating. 26:44 In fact, it was a word and concept 26:46 that was virtually unknown to ancient Biblical world. 26:50 But one thing has been clear 26:51 to Christians for centuries now. 26:53 God's plan is for one man to be 26:56 with one woman for one lifetime. 26:59 The Pharisees asked Jesus 27:00 if it was lawful to divorce a woman 27:03 for any and every reason, 27:05 meaning is it okay for a man to get in 27:08 and out of a committed relationship 27:10 whenever he felt like it. 27:12 Jesus responded by saying, "Have you not read, therefore, 27:16 shall a man leave his father and mother 27:19 and cleave or commit to his wife 27:22 and they shall be one flesh." 27:24 Being a player is inadvisable for three reasons. 27:27 One, God's ideal is for us to desire one person 27:31 to honor Him with to the sanctity of marriage. 27:34 Two, it's cruel to have multiple women 27:37 competing for your affections. 27:39 And three, it is the most effective way 27:42 to prepare foundation for adultery 27:45 and divorce in your marriage. 27:47 God wants us to honor every person, 27:49 every person has value. 27:51 And at the end of the day, 27:52 ask yourself this when considering 27:54 to be a player, 27:55 "Would you want to be treated the same way?" 27:57 See you next time. |
Revised 2018-07-06