Hi, my name is John Coaxum,
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and welcome to my
barbershop Cuttin' Loose.
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You know, the barbershop
is one of the last places
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where a guy can
come, keep it real,
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and speak freely
about his issues in life.
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Today, our topic is
a very interesting one.
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We are talking
about Player Player.
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Come and join us in the shop.
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All right,
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I got you cleaned
one more time, man.
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Ah, I appreciate you, man.
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What's it like, you like
it? Yeah, man, good stuff.
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You're the man.
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All right, good
enough, man, good enough.
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Good to see you
again, Geston. Oh, man.
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All right. Oh!
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What's that?
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She's texting me.
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Who's that? The same girl?
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Oh, no, no, no.
This is the other one.
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Hold on a second, hold
on. This is the other one.
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How many girls do you have, man?
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Hey, just three, man. Calm down.
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Three girls at the same time?
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Is there anything
wrong with having options?
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Dude, I don't know, man.
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I mean, guys, help me out.
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It's a dangerous
game, don't get burnt.
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Don't get yourself in trouble.
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Okay.
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All right, hold
on, hold on, hold on.
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Let's be honest today,
let's just be real transparent.
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How many of you have dated
more than one girl at a time?
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I have, I have
to be honest, man.
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How was it for you,
Mike? What happened?
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Tell me, was it good or bad?
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You can be honest.
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All right, it was good
because I never got caught.
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Wow.
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That's always, you know,
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you don't get
all the consequences.
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It was bad because it's just
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a lot of project
management, brother.
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Keeping this over here,
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making sure this
doesn't intersect.
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Making sure I date
you today, you tomorrow.
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Oh, man. It's a lot brother.
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Wow. What's up, man?
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I've had a
couple different kind of
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circumstances, situations.
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This dating, as in
having different girlfriends,
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but, man, the
question is what is dating,
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you know, because
I've been in situations
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where I've been talking
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to a few people at the same time
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and they all knew it, you know,
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I meet a girl or a girl says,
"Hey, man, you're interesting.
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You know, let's talk."
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And I'll say,
"Okay, we can talk,
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but I was going to let you know
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I'm talking to a couple
other people, you know?"
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And so I fell that...
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At least you're honest, right?
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Yeah, if she's okay
with that, you know, then...
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But I think the
biggest thing though,
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like what Mike is saying,
man, it's a lot to handle, man,
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lot of
juggling, time management,
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man, it can be difficult.
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Well, this man needs
some help today, man.
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But listen, let me
say this, let me say it.
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You said what is dating,
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but I want to
know what is talking.
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Well, what is the
steps that we take here?
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There's so many words
in our society nowadays.
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What is talking, somebody?
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Well, talking is what
you do before dating, man.
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What? That's not
an answer, help me.
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It's just talking.
You're just talking?
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Yeah, we're just
getting to know each other.
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I know some people define dating
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as just getting
to know each other.
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But talking is like,
you know, we spend time,
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we talk on the phone,
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we may hang out
once in a blue moon
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but with the
intention of, you know,
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getting to know each
other so we can decide
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whether or not we want to date.
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Wow.
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And I wanna
throw this out there.
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I don't think
there's anything wrong
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with dating
multiple women at one time.
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I don't think there's
nothing wrong with that.
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You're getting in trouble soon.
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You are in trouble. Why?
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The dating part
is just me saying,
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"I have some level of interest."
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Okay?
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Now what I do think is
wrong is for me to make you feel
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as if you're the
only interest and then,
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you know, like we're in
this monogamous relationship,
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it's exclusive to us, etcetera.
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But I mean, if it's
platonic, I'm dating you,
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hey, I have an interest in you,
I'm gonna take you out as well,
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I think we give people
too much of a hard time
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which makes them think
they have to commit off top,
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like we're married or something.
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But you're asking for something
that we as individuals,
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maybe we can't change,
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because dating, from
a girl's perspective,
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guys, you know
this, when you say,
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"Hey, I'm dating you."
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It means that we are exclusive,
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doesn't that mean
that to every girl?
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No, it does not. It does.
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Not to every girl. Help me.
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Not to every girl.
Maybe I can help you this way.
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I think that maybe the issue
with the whole dating thing is
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you kind of
assume that dating means
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there's a level of
intimacy, you know.
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If dating is
just we're having out,
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getting to know each other,
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I take you out,
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I take you here, take you there,
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I don't think
that's an issue, but...
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Hold on a second.
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If I take her to a
fast food restaurant,
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we go through the drive through,
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and we're just us by
ourselves, is that a date?
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It can be. We are dating.
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I'm taking you out, you know?
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My issue is, you know,
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if you've got
four or five girls,
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you know, and you got
your arm around all of them,
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you're hugging
all of them, you know,
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you're kissing all of them.
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I think when you think
dating, you think intimacy,
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you know, it's a level
of intimacy that's assumed,
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and I think that's
what girls have the issue.
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Okay.
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Because, you know,
if her man kisses her,
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she's thinking,
"Well, is he kissing,
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you know, other people?"
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I think that's
what the issue is.
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Well, then, Mike, you
need to clarify for us, man,
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because you just said
dating multiple people is cool
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and he just said in
dating, you can kiss multiple...
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I mean, what's that?
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I didn't say
kiss multiple people.
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I am not advocating this.
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I am not
advocating having a harem.
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But you're around the city, man.
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You always got...
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You boot up with four or
five females at the same time.
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I'm saying that for me to
say I have interest in you
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should not mean that my interest
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is exclusively
pointed in your direction.
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Okay.
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And I think a lot of people
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who are in the
dating scene today
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feel this
pressure to commit up top
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instead of just
being honest and say,
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"Right now, I'm not sure
if we're good for each other.
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But I'm sure I have an interest.
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Let's go spend
some time together."
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So would you
advice Geston here, man,
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to tell the girl
straight up like,
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"Listen, I just want
you to know off top..."
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Maybe even make a
contract that she has to sign,
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I don't know.
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Something about all
the bullet points like,
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"Listen, we are not dating.
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We are not exclusive."
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This, that, and the third,
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would you advice him to do that?
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I don't know about that.
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The rule I go by is, man,
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whatever you fill
out on your IRS form,
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that's what you are.
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I think there is no
box that says dating.
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Okay, I'm single
until I'm married.
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Wow. Oh, really?
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Okay. Okay. This is big, guys!
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Seriously, so you're saying
that until you are married,
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you are single.
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Is that true? I think so.
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Unless you're engaged
or courting for marriage,
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I think so, yeah.
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Wow.
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So the girl should not
have any major expectations
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from you at all?
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Well, I'm not saying that.
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You're still single, right?
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You're still single,
but even in your singleness,
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you can be monogamous.
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Right. I'm old school, man.
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You need to be.
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It's too hard to
juggle, too hard to juggle.
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Wow, that's good.
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All right, well, let me
ask this question, guys.
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As we're talking about
dating and relationships,
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trying to help
my brother out, man,
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so he could be a good guy,
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why do guys find
it so hard to commit?
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Why is it so hard
commit? Seriously.
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I love having options.
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Wow. I love it.
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I love it, I love it, I love it.
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Why do you love
having options, man?
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Open the flood gates.
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Really?
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I mean, having
options is cool, man,
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'cause you're not...
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I'm sorry to say it.
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I know you guys are married men,
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but I'm not tied
down to one person,
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I could explore my options.
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I can get to
know different people
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from different backgrounds
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who look differently,
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who have
different personalities,
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and I can enjoy life, you know?
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Okay, well, let me ask this.
00:07:30.81\00:07:32.15
So, guys, he said something,
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and we're all married,
the rest of us are married.
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Do you feel tied
down as a married guy?
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Yes.
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Help us. Tied
down, and I'm loving it.
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Wow. Tied down,
and I'm loving it.
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He's a liar.
00:07:44.73\00:07:46.66
No other way.
00:07:46.70\00:07:48.03
He's a liar.
00:07:48.06\00:07:49.40
Have you had guys say, you know,
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when you're about
to getting married,
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"Oh, you're about to put
on the old ball and chain."
00:07:52.17\00:07:53.50
And you guys heard
that before, right?
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Yeah.
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They did it to me
at my wedding as well.
00:07:56.27\00:07:57.61
Mike, do you
feel tied down at all?
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I do.
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But I don't think
that restrains are bad.
00:08:00.38\00:08:02.61
I think we got to push
back against the ideology
00:08:02.64\00:08:05.25
that if I am
restrained, then I'm not free.
00:08:05.28\00:08:08.78
You know, all
freedoms are not edifying,
00:08:08.82\00:08:11.09
they're not beneficial really.
00:08:11.12\00:08:12.45
That's good, that's good.
00:08:12.49\00:08:13.82
What about you man?
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Do I feel tied down?
00:08:15.22\00:08:16.56
This is why I got
to be careful, man.
00:08:16.59\00:08:18.29
I mean, tied down
but in a good way.
00:08:18.33\00:08:20.16
You know, but
even, to be honest,
00:08:20.20\00:08:21.86
there are some
days where you do wish
00:08:21.90\00:08:23.50
you could probably by yourself
for a couple of minutes,
00:08:23.53\00:08:26.10
you know, that's
why they go to work.
00:08:26.13\00:08:28.80
You know, that's
why we have time apart.
00:08:28.84\00:08:30.21
But tied down?
00:08:30.24\00:08:31.57
I don't know if I
feel tied down, man.
00:08:31.61\00:08:32.94
I like your answer, man.
00:08:32.97\00:08:34.31
I'm loving it, I'm
loving every second of it.
00:08:34.34\00:08:35.98
I can say the
same thing too, man.
00:08:36.01\00:08:37.35
I love my wife, and I
don't mind being tied down, man.
00:08:37.38\00:08:39.88
I mean, sometimes
she could boss me around.
00:08:39.91\00:08:41.48
I'm not going to trip, you know,
00:08:41.52\00:08:42.85
I'm not going to get upset.
00:08:42.88\00:08:44.22
I know you all are like, no,
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we ain't going
to be bossed around.
00:08:45.62\00:08:46.96
That's how I feel, man.
00:08:46.99\00:08:48.32
But yo, check this out,
so let me ask this question,
00:08:48.36\00:08:49.69
guys, you know,
00:08:49.72\00:08:51.06
when you're
dating multiple girls
00:08:51.09\00:08:52.69
at the same time, who
is it more dangerous for?
00:08:52.73\00:08:55.66
Is it more dangerous for Geston
right here to play as a player
00:08:55.70\00:08:59.03
or is it more dangerous
for the women that he is with?
00:08:59.07\00:09:02.60
I think it's more dangerous...
00:09:02.64\00:09:03.97
It depends on how you
address the situation, man.
00:09:04.01\00:09:06.41
You know, I think
if Geston is very open
00:09:06.44\00:09:09.04
and lets his
intentions be known,
00:09:09.08\00:09:11.11
I don't think there
will be too much danger.
00:09:11.15\00:09:12.98
Now people will get, you know,
00:09:13.01\00:09:14.55
attached emotionally
so everybody can get hurt.
00:09:14.58\00:09:17.29
But I think if you go in saying,
00:09:17.32\00:09:18.99
"Listen, man, I'm just getting
to know people right now,
00:09:19.02\00:09:21.46
you know, so didn't think that,
00:09:21.49\00:09:23.39
you know, you may
see them at the mall
00:09:23.43\00:09:24.76
walk with some somebody else,
00:09:24.79\00:09:26.13
you know, but
don't take it personal."
00:09:26.16\00:09:27.50
You know, I think that
is something different.
00:09:27.53\00:09:29.06
Sure, I understand that.
00:09:29.10\00:09:30.43
But, guys, to be honest, man,
that often does not even work.
00:09:30.47\00:09:32.53
I mean, you can almost tell
a girl straight to her face,
00:09:32.57\00:09:35.00
like, "Listen, I don't
intend to marry you ever,
00:09:35.04\00:09:38.51
we are not
really dating right now,
00:09:38.54\00:09:40.41
I just wanna hang out with you."
00:09:40.44\00:09:42.08
And the girl will
still get attached.
00:09:42.11\00:09:43.55
Isn't that?
00:09:43.58\00:09:44.91
If it goes too far.
00:09:44.95\00:09:46.28
When...
00:09:46.31\00:09:48.05
I think dating is like
being in an ice-cream shop.
00:09:48.08\00:09:51.39
Mm-hm, watch it.
00:09:51.42\00:09:53.46
You can look at
all the flavors, right,
00:09:53.49\00:09:56.73
you could take it
in for its beauty,
00:09:56.76\00:09:59.69
its aroma, I mean...
00:09:59.73\00:10:01.63
You taste it?
00:10:01.66\00:10:03.53
That's where the issue comes.
00:10:03.57\00:10:06.47
When you start sampling, man,
00:10:06.50\00:10:09.84
I think our
ladies would agree that
00:10:09.87\00:10:12.37
a sample takes it
beyond I'm interested,
00:10:12.41\00:10:15.74
and in their minds, is a
commitment to some level.
00:10:15.78\00:10:18.81
So if you do have
multiple interests,
00:10:18.85\00:10:21.15
and you're sampling all of them,
00:10:21.18\00:10:23.25
I do think that
becomes a problem.
00:10:23.28\00:10:24.65
What do you mean
by sampling though?
00:10:24.69\00:10:26.02
What do you mean by sampling?
00:10:26.05\00:10:27.39
I think the
metaphor speaks for itself.
00:10:27.42\00:10:28.82
Taste and see.
00:10:28.86\00:10:31.19
Scripture, really?
00:10:31.23\00:10:33.26
Okay, all right.
00:10:33.29\00:10:34.63
I think, sampling is
the physical aspect of it.
00:10:34.66\00:10:38.30
I think, if you're
upfront with a young lady,
00:10:38.33\00:10:40.74
"Listen, you know, I'd love
to spend this time with you,
00:10:40.77\00:10:44.64
and I am spending
time with others."
00:10:44.67\00:10:47.38
If you're getting
physical with her,
00:10:47.41\00:10:49.41
she computes that
to your spending time
00:10:49.44\00:10:52.11
always equals
I'm getting physical.
00:10:52.15\00:10:54.08
Right.
00:10:54.12\00:10:55.45
So guys can kind of
be physical with a girl
00:10:55.48\00:10:57.05
and then move on easily,
00:10:57.09\00:10:59.35
more easily than a woman.
00:10:59.39\00:11:00.72
What do you mean
by physical though?
00:11:00.76\00:11:02.09
What do you mean by physical?
00:11:02.12\00:11:03.46
Ah, I don't know.
00:11:03.49\00:11:04.83
Let's do the whole
gamut, from kissing to actually,
00:11:04.86\00:11:06.19
you know,
having sex with a girl,
00:11:06.23\00:11:08.03
is it possible
that guys can move on
00:11:08.06\00:11:09.93
easier than a woman can?
00:11:09.96\00:11:11.90
Do you think so? I think so.
00:11:11.93\00:11:13.54
I think so but
my problem is though
00:11:13.57\00:11:15.30
that I think we're
creating a monster in the sense
00:11:15.34\00:11:18.44
that when we go
out and we are dating
00:11:18.47\00:11:21.61
or just, you know,
00:11:21.64\00:11:23.04
my friend, as a guy,
00:11:23.08\00:11:25.15
I don't even know
if it's possible for me
00:11:25.18\00:11:27.78
to look at this girl
00:11:27.82\00:11:29.75
who I'm dating
or who is my friend
00:11:29.78\00:11:32.05
without having some kind of
00:11:32.09\00:11:34.79
sexual thoughts come to my mind.
00:11:34.82\00:11:36.42
Sure. Sure.
00:11:36.46\00:11:37.79
As a guy, I'm gonna
keep it 100%, right?
00:11:37.83\00:11:40.80
Anybody that, you know,
00:11:40.83\00:11:42.26
out of the
ice-cream is our potential.
00:11:42.30\00:11:45.57
I may get
chocolate, vanilla, a combo,
00:11:45.60\00:11:48.40
but in my mind,
it's still potential,
00:11:48.44\00:11:50.44
so I don't know
that it's possible
00:11:50.47\00:11:52.17
for a guy to survey
00:11:52.21\00:11:54.88
without having even
more thoughts down the road.
00:11:54.91\00:11:58.08
Okay.
00:11:58.11\00:11:59.45
The problem becomes when
he acts on those thoughts.
00:11:59.48\00:12:00.82
Right, exactly.
00:12:00.85\00:12:02.18
You said who is it
more dangerous for earlier,
00:12:02.22\00:12:03.59
and I can tell
you from experience,
00:12:03.62\00:12:04.95
this is me being honest.
00:12:04.99\00:12:06.32
Sure, man.
00:12:06.35\00:12:07.69
At some point, it was a
little dangerous for me,
00:12:07.72\00:12:09.06
you know, 'cause at some point,
you got to choose somebody.
00:12:09.09\00:12:12.23
At some point, you know
you're going to hurt somebody.
00:12:12.26\00:12:14.63
You know, I've had to, you know,
00:12:14.66\00:12:16.53
maybe taste with the spoon
00:12:16.56\00:12:18.00
and then be like, "No,
I don't need that flavor."
00:12:18.03\00:12:19.77
And, man, I've hurt
some people, seriously.
00:12:19.80\00:12:21.34
What a metaphor.
00:12:21.37\00:12:22.70
I'm just saying, you know,
00:12:22.74\00:12:24.07
I've hurt some people, you know.
00:12:24.11\00:12:25.44
And, you know, we sometimes...
00:12:25.47\00:12:26.81
You don't know what
young ladies are thinking.
00:12:26.84\00:12:28.18
You know, I've
dated, or talked to,
00:12:28.21\00:12:30.48
however we want to define it.
00:12:30.51\00:12:32.01
At least, one or two people
who thought that they were,
00:12:32.05\00:12:34.15
you know, the
next Mrs. Douglas...
00:12:34.18\00:12:37.42
And in mind, I was like,
00:12:37.45\00:12:39.22
"Man, you know, I haven't
even called you my girlfriend."
00:12:39.25\00:12:41.56
You know?
00:12:41.59\00:12:42.92
But at the time,
and Anna was open,
00:12:42.96\00:12:44.29
you know, with
these people, man,
00:12:44.33\00:12:45.66
I'm talking to a few people.
00:12:45.69\00:12:47.03
So by the time it came
down to me making a choice
00:12:47.06\00:12:48.60
or at least knowing
that this is not the one,
00:12:48.63\00:12:51.33
I ended up
hurting them, but I mean,
00:12:51.37\00:12:53.60
I know they were hurt but it
was a lot for me to deal with,
00:12:53.64\00:12:55.97
you know, it was a lot for me,
00:12:56.00\00:12:57.34
you know, to
deal with emotionally,
00:12:57.37\00:12:58.71
then getting attached to people,
00:12:58.74\00:13:00.51
as much as you let
people go, as much as,
00:13:00.54\00:13:02.41
you know, one
flavor might not taste
00:13:02.44\00:13:03.78
as good as the other flavor,
00:13:03.81\00:13:05.21
sometimes you
know, after a while,
00:13:05.25\00:13:06.68
you kind of want to
taste the other flavor.
00:13:06.72\00:13:08.32
This and that
will never go together.
00:13:08.35\00:13:11.99
And so I think, you
know, you hurt other people,
00:13:12.02\00:13:13.99
but you kind of set yourself up
00:13:14.02\00:13:15.66
for some
unnecessary heart ache as well.
00:13:15.69\00:13:17.26
So are titles important?
00:13:17.29\00:13:19.79
They work for
me. They work for me.
00:13:19.83\00:13:22.06
But those are my
own kind of trucks
00:13:22.10\00:13:23.47
to make sure I kept myself...
00:13:23.50\00:13:24.83
You say it, I heard...
00:13:24.87\00:13:26.20
Like, "I haven't even called you
00:13:26.23\00:13:27.67
my girlfriend."
00:13:27.70\00:13:29.04
And I think there are a
lot of sisters out there
00:13:29.07\00:13:30.67
who are like,
"What am I to you?"
00:13:30.71\00:13:32.21
And they want that title.
00:13:32.24\00:13:33.84
There are some brothers
as well who want that title.
00:13:33.88\00:13:37.25
I mean, are those overhyped?
00:13:37.28\00:13:39.21
No, I think the title is good.
00:13:39.25\00:13:40.58
I need a title.
00:13:40.62\00:13:44.92
But honestly, I think
this is a man's greatest fear.
00:13:44.95\00:13:47.29
I mean, he's
sitting down with the girl
00:13:47.32\00:13:48.79
that he is either
talking to, dating,
00:13:48.82\00:13:50.19
flirting with, getting to know,
00:13:50.23\00:13:51.56
all these different
titles that we have,
00:13:51.59\00:13:52.93
and she turns to him
and, guys, you felt it before,
00:13:52.96\00:13:54.73
like, "Yo, what are we?"
00:13:54.76\00:13:56.30
You know, like, you
don't wanna go there.
00:13:56.33\00:13:59.03
I hate that question.
00:13:59.07\00:14:00.40
Red flag! What are we?
00:14:00.44\00:14:01.77
Isn't that a
problem, man? It is.
00:14:01.80\00:14:03.91
I was just saying
it's a problem, I agree.
00:14:03.94\00:14:05.94
And a friendzone title?
00:14:05.97\00:14:07.38
Yeah. Ah, yeah.
00:14:07.41\00:14:08.74
You deal with those titles.
00:14:08.78\00:14:10.21
I think the title
gives some type of validation
00:14:10.25\00:14:14.72
to the person that you're with.
00:14:14.75\00:14:16.08
Sure.
00:14:16.12\00:14:17.45
I think it is the
prescribing of value
00:14:17.49\00:14:19.72
that we're really into.
00:14:19.75\00:14:21.09
I wanna know
that I mean something
00:14:21.12\00:14:23.06
and I wanna know that
what we have is uncommon.
00:14:23.09\00:14:25.86
Right.
00:14:25.89\00:14:27.23
And I think that's
the push for title.
00:14:27.26\00:14:28.60
Right.
00:14:28.63\00:14:29.96
You bring up
something very good,
00:14:30.00\00:14:31.33
you used a keyword there,
man, you said, value, value.
00:14:31.37\00:14:32.87
And a lot of guys don't value
the girls that they're dating.
00:14:32.90\00:14:36.40
I mean, most guys are just like,
00:14:36.44\00:14:37.77
"I'm gonna date how
many ever girls I want.
00:14:37.81\00:14:39.27
And if I hurt one, so what?
00:14:39.31\00:14:40.64
I just wanna get
the one that I want."
00:14:40.68\00:14:42.68
I mean, how much value
though does God put on,
00:14:42.71\00:14:45.88
you know, His children and
we treat them with so much,
00:14:45.91\00:14:48.78
you know, disrespect.
00:14:48.82\00:14:50.15
So I'm wondering, you
know, you're a chaplain.
00:14:50.19\00:14:51.75
Man, you're a pastor as well.
00:14:51.79\00:14:53.39
Guys, help me, from
a Biblical perspective
00:14:53.42\00:14:56.39
or spiritual perspective,
00:14:56.42\00:14:58.26
how are we
supposed to treat women
00:14:58.29\00:14:59.79
and maybe if you can
answer this question,
00:14:59.83\00:15:02.06
should Geston have more
than one girlfriend at a time?
00:15:02.10\00:15:05.77
I'm old-school.
00:15:05.80\00:15:07.17
Hands down. All
right, all right.
00:15:07.20\00:15:08.90
One woman at a time, no doubt.
00:15:08.94\00:15:11.91
Why?
00:15:11.94\00:15:13.27
Because they are
valuable in God's eyes.
00:15:13.31\00:15:16.14
It's different, so
when God made man, right,
00:15:16.18\00:15:19.01
He got out his
knees, chiseled out a man.
00:15:19.05\00:15:23.32
When he made a woman, now He...
00:15:23.35\00:15:25.42
He built a woman.
00:15:25.45\00:15:26.79
Wow. He built a woman.
00:15:26.82\00:15:28.16
He took that
rib, He took His time,
00:15:28.19\00:15:29.92
she is
delicate, she is valuable.
00:15:29.96\00:15:32.03
I mean, from the
rib, she is a part of him.
00:15:32.06\00:15:34.36
Yes.
00:15:34.40\00:15:35.73
You know, she is a part of us.
00:15:35.76\00:15:37.17
Man, don't
jeopardize that thing.
00:15:37.20\00:15:38.97
All right.
00:15:39.00\00:15:40.40
Make it nice,
guard it with everything.
00:15:40.44\00:15:42.64
Give her value.
Women need value.
00:15:42.67\00:15:45.01
Women need validation.
00:15:45.04\00:15:46.47
Women need to know
00:15:46.51\00:15:47.84
that they are loved and
appreciated by their men,
00:15:47.88\00:15:49.68
and if they don't
get it from the man,
00:15:49.71\00:15:51.05
they are going to
look for other places.
00:15:51.08\00:15:52.41
Right.
00:15:52.45\00:15:53.78
And, you know, I have to say
too before you jump in there,
00:15:53.82\00:15:55.15
man, Adam kind
of gave Eve a title.
00:15:55.18\00:15:57.92
He said, "Bone of my
bone, flesh of my flesh.
00:15:57.95\00:15:59.65
She is mine."
00:15:59.69\00:16:01.36
Now clearly she was the only one
00:16:01.39\00:16:02.82
in the Garden of Eden.
00:16:02.86\00:16:04.23
Thank you, thank you.
I was about to say that.
00:16:04.26\00:16:07.60
Go ahead, man.
00:16:10.60\00:16:12.63
Man, I think this
whole girlfriend thing,
00:16:12.67\00:16:14.94
titles, speaking to
whatever you may share,
00:16:14.97\00:16:18.24
it depends.
00:16:18.27\00:16:19.61
Is your woman,
00:16:19.64\00:16:21.01
girlfriend with no
space in between the words,
00:16:21.04\00:16:24.61
or girl friend with a space,
00:16:24.65\00:16:26.78
is she a girl that's a friend
or is she more than a friend?
00:16:26.82\00:16:29.45
And I think we have
to be honest as brothers
00:16:29.48\00:16:31.69
when we are interacting
with someone to the level
00:16:31.72\00:16:35.42
where she's
actually more than a friend.
00:16:35.46\00:16:37.49
If she is just a friend,
00:16:37.53\00:16:39.43
then I actually believe
she doesn't mind this concept
00:16:39.46\00:16:42.80
of us chilling
together from time to time.
00:16:42.83\00:16:45.43
Sure.
00:16:45.47\00:16:46.80
But when we give her that...
00:16:46.84\00:16:48.17
I'm gonna call it that title,
00:16:48.20\00:16:49.54
that makes her feel
whether implied or implicit,
00:16:49.57\00:16:53.74
that makes her
feel like, you know,
00:16:53.78\00:16:55.11
this is my man
and I am his woman,
00:16:55.14\00:16:58.88
that's when we
get into problems.
00:16:58.91\00:17:00.25
Okay.
00:17:00.28\00:17:01.62
I feel you, I feel you.
00:17:01.65\00:17:02.98
Well, I may ask
you another challenging
00:17:03.02\00:17:04.35
question here, all right?
00:17:04.39\00:17:05.72
you guys are somewhat,
00:17:05.75\00:17:07.09
we are working on the titles,
working on semantics here,
00:17:07.12\00:17:08.59
but you guys are saying that
00:17:08.62\00:17:09.96
we shouldn't be
pulling each girl
00:17:09.99\00:17:11.53
by her heart strings,
wherever we go, all right?
00:17:11.56\00:17:14.10
We shouldn't be doing that.
00:17:14.13\00:17:15.46
But in the Bible,
00:17:15.50\00:17:16.83
we have so many guys
who had multiple wives.
00:17:16.87\00:17:19.33
Talk about it.
00:17:19.37\00:17:21.07
I'm not saying multiple
women but multiple wives.
00:17:21.10\00:17:23.74
Abrahams and the Davids
and other people in the Bible.
00:17:23.77\00:17:26.78
He was good enough to Solomon.
00:17:26.81\00:17:28.14
Oh, man.
00:17:28.18\00:17:29.51
Don't get me started on Solomon.
00:17:29.54\00:17:30.88
What, 700 wives
and the concubines,
00:17:30.91\00:17:32.65
guys, come on, man.
00:17:32.68\00:17:34.02
Help me understand that, please.
00:17:34.05\00:17:35.42
Well, I can't tell
you why they did it,
00:17:35.45\00:17:39.39
I could tell you this.
00:17:39.42\00:17:40.76
I'm married, I don't
want more than one wife.
00:17:40.79\00:17:42.89
I don't know how
Solomon did so many.
00:17:42.92\00:17:47.36
I just, I'm trying to
deal with the one I got, so...
00:17:47.40\00:17:49.33
Okay, that's your answer.
00:17:49.36\00:17:51.03
All right,
brothers, please help us.
00:17:51.07\00:17:52.53
I mean, you are a chaplain, man,
00:17:52.57\00:17:54.14
if a student
walked into your office
00:17:54.17\00:17:55.77
asking you this
question and say,
00:17:55.80\00:17:57.14
"Listen, I'm thinking
about dating multiple girls
00:17:57.17\00:17:59.27
and possibly
marrying multiple girls."
00:17:59.31\00:18:00.78
What would you tell him?
00:18:00.81\00:18:02.48
Man, I'd say,
"Brother, you don't know
00:18:02.51\00:18:03.85
the time and the energy
that commitment requires."
00:18:03.88\00:18:08.28
Commitment. Oh, yeah.
00:18:08.32\00:18:09.65
And so it's a
gauge of being honest,
00:18:09.68\00:18:13.52
I wanna get back to that word.
00:18:13.56\00:18:15.06
How much do I
actually have to give?
00:18:15.09\00:18:17.56
I think Solomon with
700 wives, 300 concubines,
00:18:17.59\00:18:22.26
he's not marrying
them for their good.
00:18:22.30\00:18:24.47
Okay, okay.
00:18:24.50\00:18:25.83
You know, that's just a
stable, it's a warehouse.
00:18:25.87\00:18:27.97
And you know,
when I need a product,
00:18:28.00\00:18:29.34
I go, check out my inventory...
00:18:29.37\00:18:30.71
Wow. Wow.
00:18:30.74\00:18:32.07
And then I utilize.
That's so disrespectful, man.
00:18:32.11\00:18:33.98
Yo, man, I think
that's the concept,
00:18:34.01\00:18:35.68
I think that's the concept.
00:18:35.71\00:18:37.05
Yeah.
00:18:37.08\00:18:38.41
So, Will, would you marry a
guy who came into your office...
00:18:38.45\00:18:40.65
Marry a guy?
00:18:40.68\00:18:42.02
No, no, wait oh,
00:18:42.05\00:18:44.75
would you marry a couple,
or even if it is a question.
00:18:44.79\00:18:47.22
Will he do the ceremony?
00:18:47.26\00:18:50.13
If a guy walked into
your office and said,
00:18:50.16\00:18:52.19
"Listen, I love
these three women equally.
00:18:52.23\00:18:54.56
Now I'm providing for them
00:18:54.60\00:18:56.03
and I wanna marry
all three of them."
00:18:56.06\00:18:57.40
Would you do it?
No, absolutely not.
00:18:57.43\00:18:58.77
Why not?
00:18:58.80\00:19:00.14
You need to take your
time and pick what you want.
00:19:00.17\00:19:01.50
Really? Yeah, it's a process.
00:19:01.54\00:19:03.07
Okay.
00:19:03.10\00:19:04.44
It's not an
ice-cream, for real, you know,
00:19:04.47\00:19:07.51
because you get the wrong one,
00:19:07.54\00:19:08.88
you'll be miserable
for the rest of your life.
00:19:08.91\00:19:11.45
So you got to make
sure that you find the one,
00:19:11.48\00:19:13.55
especially the one
that God wants you to have.
00:19:13.58\00:19:15.38
Yeah.
00:19:15.42\00:19:16.75
Because we can all have,
you know, each one of these
00:19:16.79\00:19:19.09
three can place
you in different areas.
00:19:19.12\00:19:22.02
But I believe that there is
one that God wants you to have
00:19:22.06\00:19:25.09
that can really be,
00:19:25.13\00:19:26.66
you know, so let's
be, your "soulmate,"
00:19:26.70\00:19:28.73
or be the one
00:19:28.76\00:19:30.10
who God really
expected for you to have.
00:19:30.13\00:19:32.03
All right.
00:19:32.07\00:19:33.40
Sometimes I think when
guys date multiple women,
00:19:33.44\00:19:35.80
it's really an escape
from making a decision.
00:19:35.84\00:19:38.57
Yeah, well, I
think, no matter...
00:19:38.61\00:19:41.08
And this is from my experience,
00:19:41.11\00:19:42.44
no matter how girls you
talk to or date the same time,
00:19:42.48\00:19:44.75
you know what
you are looking for.
00:19:44.78\00:19:46.92
Do you? You do.
00:19:46.95\00:19:48.72
Every guy in the
back of their mind...
00:19:48.75\00:19:50.25
At what age do you know
what you are looking for?
00:19:50.29\00:19:51.62
I don't know.
00:19:51.65\00:19:52.99
It was kind of early for me,
00:19:53.02\00:19:54.36
but every guy at the
back of their mind knows
00:19:54.39\00:19:55.72
what they are looking for.
00:19:55.76\00:19:57.09
They know the kind
of characteristics,
00:19:57.13\00:19:58.46
they know even may be the looks,
00:19:58.49\00:19:59.83
you know, and we date
some girls we talk to,
00:19:59.86\00:20:02.03
and we just know
they are not the one.
00:20:02.06\00:20:03.67
Okay, I'm gonna challenge
you for a moment, okay?
00:20:03.70\00:20:05.73
Because Geston,
00:20:05.77\00:20:07.10
you know, say he is
dating multiple women.
00:20:07.14\00:20:08.60
Maybe the reason
00:20:08.64\00:20:09.97
that he is dating multiple women
00:20:10.01\00:20:11.34
is to see what he
likes, he doesn't know yet.
00:20:11.37\00:20:13.38
He is trying to
test them out and see,
00:20:13.41\00:20:14.74
you know, I like a
woman who does this, that...
00:20:14.78\00:20:17.11
he's building this...
00:20:17.15\00:20:18.68
I feel like we say
that as an excuse, man.
00:20:18.71\00:20:20.48
Oh. Like we're building...
00:20:20.52\00:20:22.62
Talk to Geston.
00:20:22.65\00:20:24.82
End of the day, we
know what we want man.
00:20:24.85\00:20:26.29
Okay, all right.
00:20:26.32\00:20:27.66
So I can't
test-drive before I buy it?
00:20:27.69\00:20:30.09
We are buying? Is it
a car? This is a woman.
00:20:30.13\00:20:33.50
This is a woman. I love it.
00:20:37.17\00:20:38.63
Yeah? Okay, all
right, all right.
00:20:38.67\00:20:40.14
Well, Geston, man,
00:20:40.17\00:20:41.50
I mean, what
questions do you have, man?
00:20:41.54\00:20:43.47
So how should I
go about navigating
00:20:43.51\00:20:46.17
the seas of dating
and explore my options
00:20:46.21\00:20:49.08
in a godly manner?
00:20:49.11\00:20:50.78
Yea, yeah.
00:20:50.81\00:20:52.15
How do you treat a
woman like a woman?
00:20:52.18\00:20:53.52
How do you her value?
00:20:53.55\00:20:54.88
Let's just say he is
dating one woman at a time.
00:20:54.92\00:20:56.25
Well, how do I
date her the right way
00:20:56.28\00:20:57.75
and, oh, I got an even
better question for you, guys.
00:20:57.79\00:21:00.06
How do you dump a
woman the right way?
00:21:00.09\00:21:03.09
I still haven't
figured that out, guys.
00:21:03.12\00:21:04.86
Yeah, that's
tough, that's tough.
00:21:04.89\00:21:06.59
Always quieter about that.
00:21:06.63\00:21:09.50
The silence is appropriate, man.
00:21:09.53\00:21:10.90
But listen, I don't think
00:21:10.93\00:21:12.27
I've ever successfully dumped
a woman, not successfully.
00:21:12.30\00:21:14.50
What is successfully?
00:21:14.54\00:21:15.87
Successfully in the sense
00:21:15.90\00:21:17.24
that somebody's
heart was broken,
00:21:17.27\00:21:18.74
either mine or
hers, and somebody was,
00:21:18.77\00:21:21.11
you know, still
hanging on a pipedream
00:21:21.14\00:21:23.85
or an expectation
that was not realized.
00:21:23.88\00:21:25.88
So I wanna challenge
that definition of success.
00:21:25.91\00:21:27.25
Okay, sure. I
think honesty is success.
00:21:27.28\00:21:31.05
Okay.
00:21:31.09\00:21:32.42
Honesty and compassion together,
00:21:32.45\00:21:35.09
that makes success,
00:21:35.12\00:21:36.76
especially in a breakup,
you have to be compassionate
00:21:36.79\00:21:39.96
of how this is
gonna make somebody feel,
00:21:40.00\00:21:41.93
but you need to be
honest about you are at.
00:21:41.96\00:21:45.37
I think those
two together create
00:21:45.40\00:21:46.97
that successful breakup.
00:21:47.00\00:21:48.97
What usually happens is we try
to find some dishonest excuse
00:21:49.00\00:21:53.61
or we are just so blind
00:21:53.64\00:21:55.18
that it's a
traumatizing encounter
00:21:55.21\00:21:58.35
for whoever we are dumping.
00:21:58.38\00:21:59.71
Yeah, I agree.
00:21:59.75\00:22:01.08
Yeah, and maybe
that's a good definition
00:22:01.12\00:22:02.45
of weakness in a man
00:22:02.48\00:22:03.82
that he is not
willing to be honest
00:22:03.85\00:22:05.19
and genuine about
really how he feels
00:22:05.22\00:22:06.69
just because he wants to
not go there with the woman.
00:22:06.72\00:22:09.26
Right.
00:22:09.29\00:22:10.63
But let me ask
you this question too.
00:22:10.66\00:22:11.99
I have been
wondering about this.
00:22:12.03\00:22:13.36
If you are dating multiple girls
00:22:13.40\00:22:14.73
now while Geston is single,
00:22:14.76\00:22:17.17
when he gets into marriage,
are there any dangers there?
00:22:17.20\00:22:19.80
Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:22:19.83\00:22:21.17
Help me. I'm only a
month into marriage.
00:22:21.20\00:22:22.54
You guys help me there.
00:22:22.57\00:22:24.07
Yeah, you are
not going to forget.
00:22:24.11\00:22:25.44
I mean, there's some boundaries
00:22:25.47\00:22:26.88
that you got to put up
while you are single, right?
00:22:26.91\00:22:29.44
And I'm talking
about serious boundaries
00:22:29.48\00:22:30.85
because when you get married,
00:22:30.88\00:22:32.21
I mean, not that
really changes...
00:22:32.25\00:22:33.58
I mean, your changes in status
00:22:33.62\00:22:35.68
but those
thoughts are still there.
00:22:35.72\00:22:38.15
See I heard of a
principle like this,
00:22:38.19\00:22:39.52
that even if
someone was sexually active
00:22:39.55\00:22:41.69
before marriage,
right, then they are bringing
00:22:41.72\00:22:44.49
all of those
thoughts into the bedroom,
00:22:44.53\00:22:48.00
and it isn't changed
00:22:48.03\00:22:49.60
just because you
are now monogamous
00:22:49.63\00:22:51.53
with one woman,
00:22:51.57\00:22:52.90
you are bringing
all of that stuff
00:22:52.93\00:22:54.37
into the bedroom,
00:22:54.40\00:22:55.74
all those
experiences, it's real.
00:22:55.77\00:22:58.71
And you may not be
satisfied with the one
00:22:58.74\00:23:01.18
that you are with
00:23:01.21\00:23:02.68
because of all the
previous background
00:23:02.71\00:23:04.78
and baggage
that you are bringing
00:23:04.81\00:23:06.15
into the current situation,
even though it is God-ordained,
00:23:06.18\00:23:09.88
you still are
dealing with the baggage.
00:23:09.92\00:23:11.25
That's what I'm
saying, "Old school.
00:23:11.29\00:23:12.85
Get one, stay with that one."
00:23:12.89\00:23:15.89
Help me set these boundaries,
00:23:15.92\00:23:17.26
what kind of
boundaries should I be setting?
00:23:17.29\00:23:18.63
Listen, man, forget about
00:23:18.66\00:23:20.00
just the emotional and
mental connection, man.
00:23:20.03\00:23:22.76
You are going to
get phone call, brother.
00:23:22.80\00:23:24.50
I know for me I had to
change my phone number.
00:23:24.53\00:23:26.10
Oh, man. Wow.
00:23:26.13\00:23:27.47
Straight up.
00:23:27.50\00:23:28.84
Because you just knew
that some people don't call you
00:23:28.87\00:23:30.31
and some people did.
00:23:30.34\00:23:31.67
Some people were like,
"Oh, now I have his number.
00:23:31.71\00:23:33.04
I'm gonna connect
with him on social media,"
00:23:33.07\00:23:35.14
you know, got a
couple of emails.
00:23:35.18\00:23:36.91
You know, but I let
to some people know, man,
00:23:36.95\00:23:38.45
yeah, there was a reason
I changed my number, man.
00:23:38.48\00:23:40.55
It's gonna be kind of tough
00:23:40.58\00:23:41.92
but we move on,
we got to let it go.
00:23:41.95\00:23:43.28
We got to let it go.
00:23:43.32\00:23:44.65
Wow.
00:23:44.69\00:23:46.02
And then another boundary
is we call these cats players
00:23:46.05\00:23:49.52
because they are moving
00:23:49.56\00:23:51.49
and treating people like pieces.
00:23:51.53\00:23:53.80
That's what I wanna
pull out. That's deep, man.
00:23:53.83\00:23:55.43
And I think one
boundary has to be,
00:23:55.46\00:23:57.53
when you start
engaging an interest
00:23:57.57\00:24:01.57
and it becomes a game
00:24:01.60\00:24:03.71
where they just
simply become entertainment
00:24:03.74\00:24:06.71
for your day-to-day routine,
you know what I am saying?
00:24:06.74\00:24:08.08
Wow.
00:24:08.11\00:24:09.44
I think that's when
it gets out of context.
00:24:09.48\00:24:12.48
I think we
actually do injustice to God
00:24:12.51\00:24:15.52
to what He has created,
00:24:15.55\00:24:17.52
and ultimately,
we find ourselves
00:24:17.55\00:24:19.79
getting caught up
in the same games.
00:24:19.82\00:24:21.86
As Shakespeare says, "Oh,
what tangle webs we weave,
00:24:21.89\00:24:25.73
when we seek to deceive."
00:24:25.76\00:24:27.10
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
00:24:27.13\00:24:28.46
And I think that
speaks of the boundaries
00:24:28.50\00:24:29.83
we need to set
up, back to honesty.
00:24:29.86\00:24:31.20
Right.
00:24:31.23\00:24:32.57
I was gonna say, so not
just honesty with the woman
00:24:32.60\00:24:33.97
but honest with
yourself as well.
00:24:34.00\00:24:35.57
Yeah. Yeah.
00:24:35.60\00:24:36.94
Yeah, I think
in our communities,
00:24:36.97\00:24:38.31
in our society, yeah,
even in the world, man,
00:24:38.34\00:24:40.51
when we have a
guy who is a "player"
00:24:40.54\00:24:42.74
who has a multiple
woman is a badge of honor.
00:24:42.78\00:24:46.15
That we take that
badge and we put it on him.
00:24:46.18\00:24:47.98
I remember, you know,
even in church functions,
00:24:48.02\00:24:49.95
youth functions, at school,
00:24:49.98\00:24:51.85
you know badge of
honor would be given
00:24:51.89\00:24:53.92
based on numbers you
got and how many girls
00:24:53.96\00:24:57.43
you were stringing
along at the same time.
00:24:57.46\00:24:58.89
And eventually I came
00:24:58.93\00:25:00.26
to the point
like, "You know what?
00:25:00.30\00:25:01.63
This is not honoring God at all.
00:25:01.66\00:25:03.53
I'm toying with somebody's
life and with their emotions
00:25:03.57\00:25:06.43
and there must
be a price to pay."
00:25:06.47\00:25:07.80
Yeah.
00:25:07.84\00:25:09.17
And it's gonna
come back to you as well
00:25:09.20\00:25:10.64
because now it's not only
the guys that are players,
00:25:10.67\00:25:12.21
women do the same stuff.
00:25:12.24\00:25:13.81
Oh, man. Oh, man.
00:25:13.84\00:25:15.18
The Bible says,
"Be not deceived."
00:25:15.21\00:25:16.54
God is not mocked
whatsoever, man, sow,
00:25:16.58\00:25:18.91
that's what you'll also reap.
00:25:18.95\00:25:20.28
My mama says what
goes around, comes around.
00:25:20.32\00:25:23.02
What's done in the dark
00:25:23.05\00:25:24.39
will sure enough
come out in the light.
00:25:24.42\00:25:25.75
You may get played as well,
00:25:25.79\00:25:27.12
your heart will
be broken as well.
00:25:27.16\00:25:28.49
Right, I hate to go here,
00:25:28.52\00:25:29.86
this is gonna
sound kind of pre-school,
00:25:29.89\00:25:31.23
but I guess you got to
ask yourself the question,
00:25:31.26\00:25:32.96
would you want a
girl doing that to you?
00:25:32.99\00:25:35.73
A girl that you
really, really liked, man,
00:25:35.76\00:25:38.10
and you really
had high expectations
00:25:38.13\00:25:39.70
of being with her,
would you want to find out
00:25:39.73\00:25:41.97
that she was dating
multiple guys at the same time?
00:25:42.00\00:25:44.67
Man, I don't think I
would appreciate that.
00:25:44.71\00:25:47.51
Yeah?
00:25:47.54\00:25:48.88
I would say, "Quit
playing games with my heart."
00:25:48.91\00:25:50.81
You know, yeah, I
wanna be taken seriously,
00:25:50.85\00:25:54.28
and I want her
to take me seriously
00:25:54.32\00:25:57.19
and I think that I
am important enough
00:25:57.22\00:25:59.79
and Bible enough...
00:25:59.82\00:26:01.16
Wow. Not to be toyed with.
00:26:01.19\00:26:03.73
Yeah, so we should have
that same respect for women...
00:26:03.76\00:26:06.36
Sounds like you need to
make some phone calls, man.
00:26:06.39\00:26:07.73
I guess I should
reciprocate that.
00:26:07.76\00:26:09.43
Excuse me. Yeah.
00:26:09.46\00:26:10.80
That's what it takes.
00:26:10.83\00:26:12.17
But the bottom
line is this, man,
00:26:12.20\00:26:13.54
God want us to honor Him
in every aspect of our lives
00:26:13.57\00:26:16.04
including relationships.
00:26:16.07\00:26:17.54
Not to string anybody along
00:26:17.57\00:26:19.17
but to treat women
with the same respect
00:26:19.21\00:26:20.84
that we wanna be treated, right?
00:26:20.88\00:26:22.51
Man, this is
good, guys. I love you.
00:26:22.54\00:26:24.18
I got to close
the shop for today.
00:26:24.21\00:26:25.71
Talk to you guys
later, man. All right.
00:26:25.75\00:26:28.25
Wish you the best,
Geston. Thanks, man.
00:26:28.28\00:26:31.65
All right.
00:26:31.69\00:26:33.02
Man, I love being
in the barbershop.
00:26:36.29\00:26:38.03
We had such a
real discussion today.
00:26:38.06\00:26:40.03
Now let's be clear.
00:26:40.06\00:26:41.43
Now Bible doesn't say
anything about dating.
00:26:41.46\00:26:44.53
In fact, it was
a word and concept
00:26:44.57\00:26:46.74
that was virtually unknown
to ancient Biblical world.
00:26:46.77\00:26:49.97
But one thing has been clear
00:26:50.01\00:26:51.67
to Christians for centuries now.
00:26:51.71\00:26:53.91
God's plan is for one man to be
00:26:53.94\00:26:56.61
with one woman for one lifetime.
00:26:56.64\00:26:59.11
The Pharisees asked Jesus
00:26:59.15\00:27:00.92
if it was lawful
to divorce a woman
00:27:00.95\00:27:03.02
for any and every reason,
00:27:03.05\00:27:05.15
meaning is it okay
for a man to get in
00:27:05.19\00:27:08.16
and out of a
committed relationship
00:27:08.19\00:27:10.49
whenever he felt like it.
00:27:10.53\00:27:12.09
Jesus responded by saying,
"Have you not read, therefore,
00:27:12.13\00:27:16.60
shall a man leave
his father and mother
00:27:16.63\00:27:19.27
and cleave or commit to his wife
00:27:19.30\00:27:22.10
and they shall be one flesh."
00:27:22.14\00:27:24.44
Being a player is
inadvisable for three reasons.
00:27:24.47\00:27:27.88
One, God's ideal is
for us to desire one person
00:27:27.91\00:27:31.88
to honor Him with to
the sanctity of marriage.
00:27:31.91\00:27:34.92
Two, it's cruel to
have multiple women
00:27:34.95\00:27:37.72
competing for your affections.
00:27:37.75\00:27:39.75
And three, it is
the most effective way
00:27:39.79\00:27:42.69
to prepare
foundation for adultery
00:27:42.72\00:27:44.99
and divorce in your marriage.
00:27:45.03\00:27:47.10
God wants us to
honor every person,
00:27:47.13\00:27:49.63
every person has value.
00:27:49.66\00:27:51.43
And at the end of the day,
00:27:51.47\00:27:52.80
ask yourself
this when considering
00:27:52.83\00:27:54.17
to be a player,
00:27:54.20\00:27:55.54
"Would you want to be
treated the same way?"
00:27:55.57\00:27:57.27
See you next time.
00:27:57.31\00:27:58.64