Participants: Pr. John Coaxum (Host), Chapin Michael Smith, Dr. William Lee, Jason Bradley, Kory Douglas
Series Code: CUL
Program Code: CUL000003A
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00:01 Hi, my name is John Coaxum.
00:02 Welcome to my barbershop, Cuttin' Loose. 00:04 As you know, the barbershop is one of the last places 00:06 where a guy can keep it real 00:08 and talk freely about his issues. 00:10 Today, we're talking about what men want. 00:13 Come and join us in the shop. 00:40 Yes, we get one back there. 00:43 Good. Good. 00:45 What's up, KP? You like that? Hey, man, looks good, man. 00:48 Looks good. So what's up? What's up? 00:50 All right. 00:52 Yo, so fellas, how's this going today, man? 00:53 What's up? What's up? What's up? 00:55 Good, good, good, good. 00:56 Good, man. Good, good. 00:57 So let me ask this question, man, 00:59 which one of guys is single? 01:02 Mike? I'm single, man. 01:04 Single, no girlfriend or just not married? 01:06 What do you mean? No girlfriend, not married. 01:08 Single totally. No girlfriend, not married. 01:09 Wow, wow, man. 01:10 We all know me, I just got married myself, man, 01:12 took me a while to, 01:13 you know, choose the right one and lay it down, man, 01:16 but I'm happy I did, I really am. 01:18 But, you know, I have so many guys, man, 01:20 that come into the barbershop from time to time. 01:22 And they just have all these preferences, 01:24 they have all these ideals and their goals. 01:26 So I want to ask you guys a couple questions, 01:27 you all right with that? 01:29 Hey, come on. Come on. 01:30 All right, so check this out, check this out. 01:31 You got to answer honestly. 01:33 You have to answer honestly, right? 01:34 Okay. Okay. 01:36 First of all, man, talking about 01:37 what a man wants or what not, weave or no weave? 01:41 No weave. No weave? 01:43 Who says no? I'll go. 01:46 Who says yes? 01:49 I'm kind of want to pass on that. Okay. 01:51 Why you say no? Who says no and why? 01:53 No. 01:55 Number one, 01:56 that's an expensive bill to take. 01:57 Okay. It's expensive. Weave is not cheap. 01:59 All right. 02:00 Number two, you got to pay for them. 02:03 They get the hair done and all that stuff. 02:04 Mercy. 02:05 And you want to see that real hair, right? 02:07 You want the real hair. Right. 02:09 Want the real stuff? 02:10 I don't want the weave and all... 02:11 Yeah. I get that. 02:13 All right. Who else? 02:14 I'm the natural man. 02:15 I like this natural, man, that just give me nice... 02:18 it could be short, it could be long, 02:19 whatever it is just natural, man, 02:21 make it well-cared, make it look good. 02:24 I just like the kind of natural look. 02:25 Well, hold on a second. 02:26 What if she could put it in 02:28 and you don't know it was there? 02:29 Is that good enough for you? 02:30 Yeah, I'm going to know it's there. 02:33 You are an expert. You are expert on that. 02:35 My wife comes home 02:36 and, you know, like a soul winner or somebody... 02:38 Okay. I'm like, "Baby..." 02:42 Okay, all right. 02:43 You're messing around and stick your hand in there 02:45 and you might pull a chunk out. 02:46 Oh, no, man. 02:48 Yeah, Kory, I want know your reflection, man. 02:49 What's up? I'm on the fence, man. 02:50 I'm on the fence. 02:52 I know before I got married, 02:53 I told my wife, no weave, never, 02:55 not trying to hear it. 02:56 But I know, you know, sometimes, 02:57 you know, it can be, it can be nice. 02:59 I know on our wedding day, 03:00 she got a weave, it was real nice, man, 03:02 it really was. 03:03 One of my favorite pictures of her was with the weave, 03:05 I can't lie, and that I know when we travel sometimes 03:07 it's easy, especially when you go away 03:08 for a long time to have baby braids, 03:10 you know, extensions rather than be 03:12 trying to do your hair every day. 03:13 So I mean I'm kind of on the fence. 03:15 Do I like it? No, not necessarily. 03:17 But will I accept it? Yes, yes, I will. 03:19 I noticed this, man, I noticed, you know, a lot of black men, 03:22 they have a lot of preferences, 03:24 and I'm just trying to weed out maybe what's important 03:26 and what's not and what you guys like, 03:27 like let me throw out another one here. 03:29 See what you guys think, be honest with me now. 03:30 Makeup or no makeup? 03:32 No makeup. No makeup. 03:35 Who says no? Who says yes? 03:37 No makeup. None whatsoever. 03:39 Yeah, they have a balance. 03:40 And you can't... 03:42 All right, let's say you're married 03:43 for example, all right? 03:44 You don't want to wake up with your wife 03:46 and feel like you're cheating on her the next day 03:47 'cause she had caked on the makeup. 03:51 You don't want that. Okay. 03:53 There has to be a balance, it has to look natural. 03:55 So in modesty, almost. Absolutely. 03:57 Absolutely, man. 03:59 A little make up is not bad at all. 04:00 So let's say, 04:01 you know, if the barber needs to be painted, 04:03 go ahead and go for it, 04:04 you know, paint that, you know. 04:05 Oh, my. 04:07 It had a negative sense, we're all saying, just no, 04:08 it's not bad. 04:09 Like you said, 04:11 I told if it's natural, if it looks good, 04:12 but not like, you're not a clown, 04:14 by no means, be natural. 04:15 Mike, you're quiet over there. What's up, man? 04:16 For me, for me, no. 04:18 I've always just enjoyed 04:19 and always had a preference for just natural look. 04:22 So for me, I'm not really a huge weave fan, 04:26 I'm not a makeup fan. 04:28 I just like the natural look. 04:30 Now if you put on a lip gloss, that's fine. 04:32 You know, if you have a nice pair 04:34 of glasses that goes, 04:35 you know, if you cut your hair either long, short, 04:37 if some girls, ladies have men's haircuts, 04:41 you know, it just depends on your face and all, 04:42 so I just like the natural look. 04:44 For me, I just don't like this... 04:46 I won't say supernatural or superficial 04:50 but I just don't like a lot of the stuff 04:52 that ladies are doing today. 04:53 So you feel that she's not being herself 04:55 when she adds on. 04:56 Right. That's for me. 04:58 You know, it's not about being yourself, 04:59 you're just nothing better than a woman 05:01 who just rolls out of bed, man, and it is just beautiful. 05:03 Wow. Just the way she is. 05:05 That's just my... 05:06 Yeah, I agree with that. I hear you. I hear you. 05:08 Let me throw one more, at least one more, 05:09 there's so many coming into my mind. 05:11 Jewelry or no jewelry? 05:13 I'm not a jewelry fan. Not a jewelry fan. 05:14 I'm not either. 05:15 You guys, you guys can talk 05:17 about this for whole day, what's up? 05:18 I'm just not... 05:19 It's just something about him. Oh, no. 05:21 Kory, what do you say, man? 05:22 It's like as guys, we... 05:23 I don't know, it's like, 05:25 we just like the natural look sometimes, 05:26 I think women sometimes only get, 05:28 I think sometimes women think 05:29 that they have to put on so much to impress us. 05:31 A lot of times, you know, just the... 05:33 To be honest, which for me, 05:34 the jogging suit, man, my wife put, man, 05:36 had a sexier jogging suit. 05:38 Wow. 05:39 You know, natural, you know what I'm saying, 05:41 not doing too much, you're just being... 05:43 No, it's like I like the confident look, 05:46 you know what I'm saying? 05:47 My wife is confident. 05:49 And when you display confidence 05:50 and that really is an attractive look. 05:53 You're saying that she knows she looks good 05:55 even though she doesn't have 05:56 all of these other things added on. 05:58 That's attractive to you, right? 05:59 Absolutely. 06:00 I will tell you an issue that's going on now 06:02 that seems like a lot of women think less is more, 06:05 you got to leave something for their imagination, 06:07 you know, people aren't... 06:08 Oh, yes. 06:10 You go through... 06:11 You go outside, you see 06:12 these women wearing next to nothing. 06:14 Going to the mall, to the store, to wherever. 06:16 So hold on, you're telling me as a guy, 06:18 as a man you don't like that, 06:20 is that what you guys are telling me? 06:21 Yeah. Nobody wants to marry them. 06:23 Okay. All right. 06:24 Man, you like trying to take that home. 06:25 I think that goes back 06:27 to what you said about confidence, man, 06:28 nothing is sexier than confidence. 06:29 Absolutely. 06:31 You know, when you put on too much, 06:32 when you take off too much, 06:33 it gives off this aura 06:35 of I'm not comfortable with me, I don't like me. 06:37 And if you don't like you, why should I like you. 06:39 You know what I'm saying, but if you know you look 06:41 even though you're bad, you act like you bad. 06:43 And, you know, I'm going to believe you bad too. 06:44 Okay, yeah. 06:46 And then I used to be... 06:47 Like my brother here what he said that 06:48 there needs to be a level of balance 06:50 as well in all things. 06:51 So if you're balancing yourself out 06:52 in your appearance where it's not too gaudy 06:55 or it's not too little, 06:57 you know, you're coming out with all kinds of G-strings 06:59 and no bra and all this stuff, 07:01 and you're trying to attract these, you know... 07:03 Sure, man. 07:05 You know, that's not being real. 07:06 You know, but what happens is you don't leave room 07:08 for the imagination, 07:10 and then you look like you would, 07:11 you know, you know, you look kind of, you know... 07:14 I just get... 07:15 kind of... 07:17 We got it. Yeah, yeah. 07:18 Guys, this is amazing that you're saying this 07:19 because everything in our society right now 07:21 is really telling us the opposite. 07:22 And the every music video that you watch, 07:24 I mean, the girls have on a ton of makeup, 07:25 we know that if they're not photoshopped already, 07:28 they have on a ton of jewelry 07:29 and, you know, they are very scantily clad. 07:31 I mean, why is that? 07:33 And how come you guys are so different, 07:34 I'm trying to figure this out, seriously. 07:36 Well, I mean, it's nice to look at, I guess. 07:38 You know, the way you think about is like this, man. 07:41 If I'm going to afford a McLaren, 07:43 you know, I will buy it, 07:44 but I'm not going to go drive it every day. 07:46 But I'm going to drive it 07:48 and admire because it looks nice. 07:49 But the truth is if I want to drive every day, 07:51 I'm going to get me something that's more, 07:52 you know, reasonable, 07:53 something that's more practical, you know. 07:55 But I may take 07:56 the nice looking car out every now and then. 07:58 But I don't know, it's... 08:00 I don't know, for me, it's like sex sales, right? 08:02 You see in media, 08:03 you're talking about media sex sales, 08:05 and we were and still that within our... 08:07 within women within our culture 08:08 is that you to look a certain way to be accepted. 08:11 Even, you know, especially as far as, 08:12 you know, black society, 08:14 we, you know, we got to have that... 08:15 some guys got to get a long hair, 08:16 got to have jewelry, got to have this and that. 08:19 Where lot of times, 08:20 we really got to go contrary to culture 08:22 or contrary to society rather 08:24 what people always say got to be certain way. 08:26 Again, I think it's sexy 08:28 when someone just absolutely is confident within themselves 08:32 and they know who they are. 08:33 And then that aura comes out from them, 08:36 you could tell a lot of times who's desperate, 08:37 who doesn't have a self-confidence. 08:38 Wow. 08:40 And that's unattractive... 08:41 For me it is. Oh, boy, it's attractive. 08:43 You just do, you want to attract the wrong, 08:44 the wrong kind of people. 08:45 Wow. That's like lust versus love. 08:48 What are you going for, and then on top of that, 08:50 you've got to think about the values that are associated 08:53 with the type of individual 08:54 that would be dressed like that. 08:56 What kind of values are they really holding? 08:58 So a person that or a woman that is scantily clad, 09:00 you can pretty much assume, for the most part, 09:03 what she may be about 09:04 and that may not be something that agrees with you. 09:05 For the most part. 09:07 I heard a comedian say this one time and he said, 09:09 and I'm going to say tastefully. 09:10 Thank you. 09:12 Okay, tastefully and cuttin' loose shop. 09:16 But this comedian said, 09:17 you know, a woman barely dresses, 09:20 she's barely got anything on, 09:22 you know, the guy treats her a certain way, 09:24 talks to a certain way. 09:25 Then she gets mad at the guy and says, 09:27 "Well, why are you talking to me like that? 09:29 I'm just dressed this way." 09:31 So he goes out 09:32 and he put dresses up like a cop 09:34 and she needs somebody to save her. 09:36 And he's just like, 09:37 "Well, why are you coming up to me, 09:39 I'm just dressed this way." 09:41 Like, what do you expect me to do? 09:42 Right. 09:44 I mean, so many black guys, seriously, man, 09:46 I mean, they want the Video Vixen. 09:48 I mean, they want the woman that dresses scantily clad. 09:50 I mean, it appears that way to me, 09:52 I don't know why that is. 09:54 Yeah, but here's the issue though, 09:55 the issue is that while 09:57 we may look at what my brother said is the media 10:00 and the scantily dressed, and the sex sells, 10:05 when all that starts to go away, 10:08 and when you bring that woman home 10:10 and now she has to take care of house, home, child, 10:12 and have motherly responsibility 10:15 and a wife responsibility, 10:17 you know, all of that stuff doesn't mean anything 10:20 because, yes, in the bedroom she's all fine 10:22 and she's all this and she looks 10:23 and smells all good, but at the end of the day, 10:26 if you want a meaningful relationship 10:28 and you want someone that is that you can trust 10:30 with your children and trust with finances and not... 10:35 For example, but, you know, you have those finances 10:38 and then she's more focused with those finances on hair 10:41 and nails and this and that and the bills aren't paid, 10:44 now you have a person 10:45 who is more concerned about superficial image 10:48 and putting on the mask 10:49 than taking care of her responsibilities at home. 10:51 And not only... 10:53 I'm sorry. Yeah, go ahead. 10:54 Not only that, but that goes to the woman 10:57 that's going to be taking off the eyelashes, 10:59 taking off the wig, and the nails and the makeup, 11:03 and they're going be 11:04 with a totally different person that you ever... 11:05 Yeah, I've heard that story so many times. 11:07 You know, I married this beautiful woman 11:09 and when they finally get home on the wedding night, 11:11 I mean she's taken off all this stuff 11:13 and he literally does not recognize his wife 11:15 when she comes out of the room. 11:16 You know, that's really sad... Totally different person. 11:17 I was going to say 11:19 the same thing on the internet now, 11:20 you see the pictures of stories 11:21 just like that before and after, 11:23 and you're like who is that, 11:24 I mean, I couldn't deal 11:26 with that kind of stuff at all, man. 11:27 Yeah, absolutely. 11:28 So you think guys, 11:30 I mean guys really in their heart of hearts, 11:31 they want the complete package, they just don't want a girl 11:32 who is good looking on the exterior, 11:34 they want everything that comes with it, right? 11:36 Yeah, I think so. There's no doubt about it. 11:37 I think that, especially with young girls, right, 11:40 because we got to train our young girls 11:42 on how to dress and how to be confident 11:45 and how to be able to go about themselves as a woman. 11:48 And as men, I think we have a responsibility 11:50 as well to teach that. 11:51 And I think that, especially like my wife 11:53 she should model that for other women as well. 11:56 So people can look and say, 11:58 "Man, you know, that's what a virtuous woman looks like." 12:01 Yeah, one of things I actually agree with you 12:03 is that when all that superficial thing, 12:05 those things are gone, 12:07 you know, when you take off the weave, 12:09 when everything is all gone, 12:10 you want someone that comes home 12:11 and is able to take care of the home 12:14 and to stand by her man. 12:15 And I think in the black community, 12:17 you need men that are men in the home, 12:19 that are the leaders of the home 12:21 that have a wonderful wife 12:22 that stands next to them and take care of the house home 12:25 and family. 12:26 Okay, that's fair, that's fair. 12:27 Let me throw another one to you, guys. 12:29 You ready? Yeah, yeah. 12:30 So, well, I'm from the south, man, 12:32 one of the biggest things, 12:33 it's kind of like an unwritten rule 12:34 for women, so to speak, 12:36 is that every girl must know how to cook, and most guys, 12:40 they choose for a wife, a woman who can cook 12:43 and if they don't, it's like a deal breaker for them. 12:45 How do you guys feel about that? 12:47 Is that a deal breaker for you if they can cook or not? 12:49 Deal breaker for me. Whoa! 12:52 Can you help me? Just help me. 12:53 What do you mean by it? I can cook. 12:55 I mean, I dabble, 12:56 and as I learn how to get better. 12:58 But I believe that a woman should know 13:03 how to cook to take care 13:04 because here's one thing I've learned in my life, 13:07 there are times 13:08 when I am not disciplined in my own health 13:11 and in my own way of cooking. 13:13 And so I'll eat too much of something 13:15 or I'll eat something else, and it ends up being unhealthy. 13:18 If a woman who wants to take care of a man knows 13:21 how to cook, she will be able to know, 13:23 "Honey, you put on a little bit too much weight, 13:24 let me add more salad." 13:25 Hold on. 13:27 You wanted to cook, 13:28 you wanted to cook for accountability for you? 13:30 Well, I mean, not necessarily accountability, 13:34 not necessarily accountability, 13:35 but I just think that now I'm saying 13:37 that there's a shared responsibility, certainly, yes. 13:40 But I think for me, 13:41 that it shows that a woman knows 13:43 how to take care of the entire house 13:46 whether by cooking, whether by washing clothes, 13:48 whether by the children rearing, 13:49 all of that, and so there's a balance 13:51 of your responsibilities as a wife. 13:53 And cooking should be, in my estimation, one of them. 13:57 I'm not saying that I can't cook, 13:59 I'm saying that it should be a part of your wife 14:02 responsibilities in balance. 14:04 Be careful. 14:06 That's your personal preference. 14:08 Yeah, personal preference. Okay, who doesn't care? 14:11 I don't care at all. 14:13 I don't care at all. Why not? 14:14 Like you said you're from the south, 14:16 and I think it's the north thing, 14:17 you know what I'm saying. 14:19 My wife, we first got married, she wasn't the greatest cook, 14:21 you know what I'm saying, 14:22 but, you know, we both struggled together 14:24 and now, you know, I haven't lost any weight. 14:27 So you're still eating good? I'm still eating good. 14:29 She's done a phenomenal, she does the phenomenal job. 14:31 But here's the thing now that now that she cooks, 14:33 I also cook as well 14:34 because of the share responsibilities, 14:36 you know, we both are busy, we both are professional. 14:38 So I can't just say at home like, 14:39 "Okay, I'm going to wait for her 14:41 to get home and make her man a meal." 14:44 No, I'm going to kitchen. 14:45 Get pasta pans out, put stuff together, 14:47 and I'm going to fix the meal for the family as well 14:50 'cause I'm man enough to do it. 14:51 Come on, doc. 14:54 Now, Kory, I know you like to make, 14:55 and you got a little Jamaican in your blood. 14:57 I know you can burn, man. 14:58 So how do you feel about it? It's definitely cultural, man. 15:00 I know when I met my wife... 15:01 Well, first of all, you know, in the Caribbean, 15:03 men do the cooking. 15:04 If you go to a Jamaica restaurant, 15:06 there's no women in the back cooking, 15:07 it's men back there. 15:08 You know, so it's kind of expected 15:10 I was going to cook, 15:11 I didn't really expect it from my wife. 15:13 But the truth is, man, since we've been married, 15:14 she's been cooking more than I have. 15:16 Now I definitely, I'm not disappointed. 15:18 You know, but definitely in our culture, 15:20 you know, I would be the one cooking. 15:22 I know my father even to this day, 15:23 when I tell what my mother's good taste in food, he laughs, 15:26 he's like, "Man, your mother can't cook, man, 15:28 you know, I did all the cooking." 15:29 You know, definitely in our culture, 15:31 the men cook, so... 15:32 I mean, for me, I can definitely speak to this. 15:34 My wife is an excellent cook, man. 15:36 I really think she could be on, 15:37 you know, one of those food cooking channels 15:39 if she wanted to. 15:41 But that's not the reason I married her, 15:42 I married her for so many different reasons 15:43 but that just happened to be a bonus, 15:45 you know, one of those things. 15:46 But let me throw out one more, y'all ready? 15:48 There's so many coming to me, guys. 15:49 I'm sorry, I got to give it to you. 15:51 What if she does not have a career or a job right now? 15:55 Is that a deal breaker for you? 15:56 No. No. 15:58 Not a deal breaker. For nobody? Why not? 16:00 Because you're going to be the primary breadwinner, 16:02 you're going to be good. 16:03 No, not necessarily. 16:04 I think that when you start quoting and dating 16:08 and you decide on the future, 16:10 any one of us can work or not work. 16:14 You know, if there's a need as we have more children, 16:16 bigger house, car, whatever that both of us need 16:19 to have a dual income 16:20 and be able to come in, then no problem. 16:22 If she chooses not to work and et cetera, 16:24 then that's not a problem for me either. 16:27 I actually would prefer a professional woman, 16:30 I do, I prefer someone who is a doctor, lawyer, 16:33 and she's a MSW, 16:34 or someone like that that does a professional, 16:36 you know, professional job. 16:38 Why is that? I don't know. 16:41 I just think that... 16:45 It's your preference, your preference. 16:46 But I also think that for me personally, 16:51 I just always enjoyed someone that compliments me. 16:54 You know, someone 16:55 who is at the level of education 16:58 and the level of professionalism 17:00 that I am where we add 17:02 to each other's profession, you know? 17:04 I always said, man, 17:06 I don't care if you can't find a job, 17:07 you're going to work somewhere, 17:08 even if you got to go barber store, right? 17:10 Man, the truth is life happens, man. 17:12 That's right. 17:13 You know, especially the time we're living in, 17:15 jobs just don't come as easy as they used to. 17:17 You have all the degrees, all the experience, 17:19 if you can't, if you don't know people sometimes, 17:21 you can't get a job. 17:22 So nowadays, if you can't work as long as, 17:24 you know,you can make me happy and you don't drive me crazy 17:26 if you stay home, they work okay. 17:28 Yeah, for me, it's not a deal breaker at all, man, 17:30 I couldn't care less. 17:31 I mean, you know, it didn't matter then, 17:33 it doesn't matter now. 17:34 And like you said, I think you made a good point, 17:36 life happens to everybody. 17:38 And so if you're basing, 17:39 you know, the woman that you want to be 17:40 with based on her career or her job, 17:42 what happens if she loses? 17:44 Yeah, for instance, that's my point. 17:46 My wife with our second child, 17:48 she went into pre-term labor which meant that, 17:52 you know, she had to quit her job. 17:54 Basically, she's on bed rest for three months. 17:58 And for three months, you know what I'm saying, 18:01 I did everything in the house, cooked, cleaned, ironed. 18:05 Took her to Kia's did everything 18:07 because you see that life happens. 18:09 So you can't just get stuck in your head thinking, 18:10 "Okay, they have to do this and that." 18:12 And they'll be disappointed when life throws a curve ball 18:16 and you can't take care of your expectations. 18:19 But I think you said also take into consideration 18:21 the trajectory like how long have 18:24 they been on employee like 18:25 if you have a stay at home wife, you know... 18:29 Really bad. Come on, come on. 18:31 If you have a stay at home wife, okay, 18:33 you know, that' a decision that you guys made or whatever, 18:36 and that's fine. 18:37 But if she's been unemployed since forever 18:41 and doesn't want to work or doesn't do anything... 18:44 Going back, I mean, even with the cooking thing, 18:46 like, it's a will, if she has the will like say 18:49 she doesn't have the skill or she can't cook, 18:51 but she has the desire to learn 18:53 because she wants to please her man, 18:55 make her man happy, that's great. 18:57 We could work with that. Right, right, right. 18:58 But if you... 18:59 I mean, if she can cook, if she could throw down 19:02 and she never cooks, how... 19:05 That doesn't, you know... 19:06 That's a waste of talent. That's a waste of talent. 19:08 Somebody is being real honest today. 19:10 Well, let me say this, man, 19:11 I think everybody has a lot of different preferences 19:13 when it comes to women. 19:14 And you can't just ask the question of what men want 19:17 because it varies based on culture, 19:19 geographical location, maybe even religion. 19:22 But I was wondering today, 19:23 you know, does the Bible give us any answers 19:26 on what we should be looking for in a woman as men? 19:29 What should we be looking for or are there 19:31 any examples of good women in the Bible 19:33 that we can find today in our society? 19:36 Well, I studied that the Bible talks about in Proverbs 31, 19:38 this whole concept of a virtuous woman. 19:40 And the concept in Proverbs 31 was of a woman 19:43 who was a hard worker, 19:45 who took care of family, took care of the kids, 19:49 was able to do anything everything 19:51 and really not even to depend upon a man. 19:53 I mean, she was able to do every single thing in the home. 19:56 And I think that's a good example 19:58 for our time that we're living as well right now 19:59 that the woman, 20:01 you know, should not even depended upon the man. 20:03 And the man should not be depended upon the woman, 20:05 you know, it's a union together 20:08 where you're getting things done together. 20:10 All right, you made a very good point. 20:12 Well, you said a word, a virtuous woman. 20:14 Yeah, yeah. 20:15 I've always wonder people throw 20:16 that word out there all the time. 20:18 What is a virtuous woman, guys? 20:20 I'll only define maybe one or two points of a virtuous, 20:22 I mean, I think virtuous encompasses 20:24 so many characteristics. 20:26 And my definition of a virtuous one or two would be someone 20:29 who was a helpmeet and someone who was a support to her man, 20:32 to her husband. 20:34 And so the first component of that 20:36 is that when you now become my wife, 20:40 number one, you have completed me 20:42 and number two, we now become one. 20:44 And so where I may fall short, 20:46 where I may have some flaws or I have some issues, 20:49 you are the one that comes in 20:51 and balances me out and supports me and sets me up. 20:54 And also, as my brother said, 20:56 puts me towards a future 20:58 and forward trajectory that says 21:00 that we are both progressing forward to God's own will. 21:04 And while we're progressing, 21:05 we are also within God an example to so many others, 21:09 an example to both our children, 21:11 an example to society and the community. 21:13 Sure. Anybody? Yeah, yeah, virtuous. 21:14 At the end of the day, 21:16 I would define virtuous this way, 21:17 I would say a woman who's just real, just genuine. 21:21 You know, I got married, man, 21:22 and the bottom line is it didn't matter 21:24 if you can cook, didn't matter what my expectations are, 21:27 once we get married, we're married. 21:28 So you need a woman 21:30 who's real, who's going to be like, 21:31 "Now I'm ready to do the work. 21:33 Whatever comes up, whatever happens." 21:34 Remember, even with the children, 21:36 you know, pre-term labor, anything can happen, man. 21:38 Pre-term is not even remotely close 21:40 to like some of the things we know people struggle with. 21:42 We've got to be man to woman who's ready to do the work. 21:44 You know, who's going to say, man, 21:45 "No matter what happens 21:47 we're going to struggle through it together." 21:48 If I got to learn to cook, I learn to cook, 21:49 if I get two jobs, I get two jobs, 21:51 whatever it takes to make our marriage work, you know? 21:54 So even some of the stuff that we as men, 21:56 we just would be real, 21:57 you know, our "preferences" at the end of the day, 21:59 those preferences are gone out of the window, man. 22:02 And everything I've said so far is said that, I felt this way, 22:05 but I mean I got married, I'm like... 22:07 it's okay. It changed. 22:09 Okay. Yeah. Yeah. 22:10 So virtuous, man, 22:11 anybody else want to take a stab at that? 22:13 I'm really... 22:14 Well, let me ask it this way, does it mean perfect? 22:17 No. Not at all. 22:18 Are you sure? Not at all. 22:20 I mean because if you look at Proverbs 31, 22:22 I've read it a few times, it seems to be saying 22:24 that this woman is practically perfect. 22:27 She got to go out. She got to go on her own, man. 22:31 Okay. 22:33 The whole thing of virtuous as well, 22:34 virtuous woman is that she has virtue. 22:36 I mean, that's the part, she has virtue, she has purity, 22:39 she has self-confidence, she has a go get her attitude, 22:43 she has a good head on her shoulders. 22:45 I mean, she is clear about what needs to be done, 22:48 and she gets the job done. 22:51 I think that's probably what virtuous means as well. 22:52 Do you think that, man, we as guys sometimes, 22:56 we make girls feel bad for not being perfect. 22:59 And I want to say this way, especially, Christian guys, 23:02 we hold up the standard of Proverbs 31, 23:05 and we say every woman has got to meet this standard 23:08 but more often than not, it seems like 23:09 we as guys don't meet this godly standard 23:12 that God has given us. 23:13 Do we put girls down in anyway? Absolutely. 23:15 How so? 23:17 Well, I mean, I'll just put it this way, 23:18 relationship in general for me 23:20 is all about marriage and expectations. 23:22 And I think we come to the table 23:23 with just unrealistic expectations. 23:25 So if you set the bar extremely high, 23:27 you're going to fail every time, 23:28 which is probably why 23:30 in our world people get divorced 23:31 every other day 23:33 because they've got expectations 23:34 that are not realistic. 23:35 One of the things my wife and I had to deal 23:37 was we had sit down, and I said, 23:38 "Man, what do you want from me? 23:39 What do you expect from me?" 23:41 And I can go through that list, and I tell her straight up, 23:42 "This ain't happening. 23:43 This is not going to happen. 23:45 These over here, I can get what you wanted." 23:47 She can do the same thing with me, you know. 23:49 Mike, what do you think? 23:50 For me, I think I want someone that's, 23:53 like my brother said is real and transparent. 23:55 Oftentimes, in the relationship, 23:57 especially at the beginning stages, 23:59 we put on masks, 24:01 we try to act the best and do the best 24:04 because we really don't know each other, 24:06 right, we're just meeting. 24:07 And so you don't know my flaws and my habits, 24:09 I don't know your flaws and habits. 24:11 I don't know your past, you don't know my past. 24:12 And as the courtship goes on, as the dating goes on, 24:15 as that we hope the mask falls off then... 24:18 The weave falls off. 24:20 Mask falls off... 24:22 Yeah. 24:23 What usually happens is now 24:24 you get to know the real person, 24:26 and that real person, 24:27 when you both know the real deal holy feel, 24:31 the real person of who you're now depending on 24:35 and desiring to spend the rest of your life with, 24:37 then you won't have any issues of, you know, "I didn't know. 24:41 And well, this is new." 24:42 And, you know, "I didn't know this about you before," 24:46 and all of that. 24:47 And so what happens is you now focus on moving forward, 24:51 being transparent with each other, 24:53 and being real and honest. 24:56 Yeah, I don't want to go into a marriage, 24:57 and I have not been honest, and you have not been honest, 25:00 and then you have divorce. 25:02 The high divorce rate is not based on 25:04 just how being divorced, 25:06 the high divorce rate is that you being fake. 25:07 Right. 25:09 So unrealistic expectations are all around us as black men. 25:14 Am I right about that? Absolutely. 25:15 But the beauty of marriage is that you have two people 25:18 who are not perfect coming together... 25:21 They admit they're not perfect. You admit you are not perfect. 25:23 Well, I've got my flaws, you got your flaws... 25:25 Especially, in the Christian context, 25:27 you recognize that God is able 25:29 to still bring us together in such a way 25:31 where my flaws still complements you. 25:34 Right. That's very important. 25:35 There has to be that balance, 25:36 there has to be compromise that you have to keep Christ 25:39 as the central focus in your relationship. 25:40 Absolutely. 25:42 Because if you don't have that, you don't have anything. 25:44 That's why I thank God that He blessed me 25:46 with the woman that I have now 25:48 because we have worship together, 25:50 pray together, we talk about spiritual things. 25:53 And it's a whole new way of going about things. 25:57 And it really, really makes a difference 25:59 because there are those values, 26:01 there is that virtue. 26:03 It doesn't mean she got to be a spiritual juggernaut. 26:05 Sure. 26:06 She doesn't have to be a preacher. 26:07 Right. Sure. 26:09 We got to be clear 26:10 that we're both trying to get to heaven. 26:12 Right. Right. 26:13 You know, I have to admit, you know, me and my wife, 26:14 we worship together as well. 26:16 It is such a beautiful thing. Yeah. 26:17 To be able to talk about God together 26:19 as husband and wife. 26:20 You know, I don't feel like, 26:21 you know, I'm in any sense teaching 26:24 my wife spiritual things, 26:25 but we learn from each other, and we're growing together. 26:28 It's such a wonderful thing, man. 26:29 So I want to find out from you guys just real quick, 26:31 we only got a few seconds here, 26:32 and I got to close the shop today. 26:34 But, y'all, is there anybody in the Bible 26:36 that stands out as a virtuous woman to you? 26:38 Real quick. Mary maybe. 26:40 Mary. Zipporah. 26:41 Zipporah. Yeah. 26:43 I got to piggyback of Mary, man. 26:44 How can you... 26:46 You can't go wrong. Mary, Mother of Christ. 26:47 Esther, man. Esther. 26:49 Esther. Definitely. 26:50 Well, this has been a great conversation, guys, man. 26:51 Thank you so much for pouring into me 26:53 and helping my Brother Mike as well. 26:54 Yeah, man. Appreciate y'all. 26:55 Man, we're praying for you 26:57 that you might get a virtuous woman, all right? 26:58 I got to close the shop, but I see you guys next time. 27:00 All right. 27:02 Wow, we had an awesome conversation today. 27:05 We talked about all the preferences 27:07 that a lot of men have in looking for a woman. 27:10 I want to say this, there is nothing wrong, 27:13 absolutely nothing, 27:14 with having preferences 27:16 for that special someone in your life. 27:18 But don't do yourself a disservice 27:20 by only focusing on the externals. 27:23 The Bible gives us men a pretty clear interpretation 27:27 of what is most profitable for the woman 27:29 we choose to be with. 27:31 It says this, 27:32 "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, 27:35 but a woman who fears the Lord, she is worthy to be praised." 27:40 Proverbs 31:30. 27:42 Look for a woman that is the complete package. 27:46 And what I mean by that is a woman 27:48 who is virtuous in the sense that she obeys the Word of God, 27:51 she's willing to follow the will of God, 27:54 and she knows the Word of God for herself. 27:57 God bless you. See you next time. |
Revised 2018-07-03