Participants: Pr. John Coaxum (Host), Dr. William Lee, Kory Douglas, Jason McCracken
Series Code: CUL
Program Code: CUL000002A
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00:01 Hi, my name is John Coaxum,
00:03 and welcome to my barbershop "Cuttin' Loose." 00:05 You know, the barbershop is one of the last places 00:08 where a guy can come, and keep it real, 00:10 and speak freely about his issues. 00:12 Today, our topic is "Black Fatherhood." 00:15 Come on and join us in the shop. 00:43 All right. 00:46 I think I got you set up here, big man. 00:47 All right. All right. And what you think about that? 00:49 Cool. You demand, you demand. 00:52 Good? Good, good enough, man. 00:54 Yo, hang out with us for a little bit man. 00:56 Won't you? All right. 00:57 All right. KP, you up, man. 00:58 All right, let's do it. My boy, my boy, what's goin'? 01:00 What's up man? You all right? Good, I'm good. 01:02 What are you getting today? 01:03 I may go and get a low season, man. 01:05 I' getting a low season. Low season? I got you. 01:07 Oh, matter of fact man, 01:08 I just heard, dude, do you have a baby? 01:11 Yeah, man. Yeah? 01:13 Yup, just had a baby, man. 01:14 Boy or girl? It's a girl. 01:16 Oh, man, listen I'm sincerely praying for you, man, 01:20 I pray you have your shotgun, your license and all that. 01:22 I'm working on it, working on it. 01:24 You working on it? Working on it. 01:25 Matter of fact, man, aren't you a father too, Will? 01:27 Yes, sir, I got two boys. Boys, and Jason? 01:29 I have two children, a boy and a girl. 01:31 Wow, man. Wow. 01:33 So listen, you all need to give this man some advice. 01:34 Man, you all let me know, man. 01:36 I'm struggling baby, I'm struggling. 01:38 Matter of fact man, I want you all for a moment, 01:39 y'all know, I just got married myself, man. 01:41 So I need some advice too. Will, what's up? 01:43 Yeah, man. My two boys, man. 01:45 When I look at my two kids, I see myself. 01:47 And parenting is serious business, man. 01:48 It is no joke. Mercy. 01:50 Wow. Jason? 01:51 Well, when I see my children, 01:53 because my son is 31 years old, my daughter is 27... 01:57 We got a long way to get to 31. 01:58 So I've been with my family for 35 years. 02:02 Here is what I've learned over the years... 02:05 This can be good. 02:08 My son and my daughter are two different people. 02:13 Even though they are from the two parents, 02:17 but they are two different people. 02:19 And you have to realize as a father, 02:22 your daughter is gonna grow up a little different, 02:24 either from you or your wife. 02:27 And you have to treat them as separate individuals. 02:31 You cannot treat them equally, 02:33 because they have grown up differently. 02:37 My son is very cautious. 02:39 My daughter is very outgoing like me. 02:42 So when you distinguish those characteristics 02:44 between your children, then you can determine 02:47 how you're going to raise them. 02:49 I had to raise my children in church, 02:52 and to raise my children in school. 02:55 But I also was taught that 02:56 my children had to be taught at home. 02:59 So the home is the primary source of information. 03:03 And the male in the home has to be the leader, 03:07 he has to be the role model for the entire family. 03:11 And that's how you begin your debut on. 03:15 I hear that. I hear that. You only got one shot though. 03:18 I know, all right man. 03:21 But now, man, but even with the personality thing, 03:23 I can already see her low personality shining through, 03:26 it's only a few weeks, but I can already see it. 03:27 She is low sarcastic, you know, 03:29 but may be my biggest thing man, 03:31 is you know, these days it's just tough. 03:34 You know, thinking about the kind of world 03:35 you brought your child into, 03:37 you know, the dangers they're gonna face. 03:39 Knowing the disadvantages I faced as a young man 03:42 in the community I grew up in, 03:44 you know, just that whole thing, 03:45 I mean, may be you guys give me something on that. 03:47 Yeah, let me tell you, man. I was, I never forget this. 03:49 My two year old man, he is four now, 03:51 but he was two when it happened. 03:52 I was getting dressed in the closet of my house, 03:54 and I was getting dressed, I was in the closet 03:57 and he was in the main room. 04:01 He was cracking up, he was just, 04:02 you know, laughing, and clowning. 04:04 I was wondering, what in the world 04:06 is he is doing, you know, what is that. 04:07 And then, when I came out of the closet, 04:10 into the bare room he was there, 04:12 and he had my size-12 shoes on. 04:15 I looked that up, oh, my, he's got that, he is just like, 04:17 ah... 04:19 He's cracking up, and he's trying to walk right, 04:20 he's two years old right, he's trying to walk. 04:22 I'm looking at him like, man, 04:23 and so I started laughing with him. 04:25 I looked at myself, oh my goodness, 04:27 my little son is walking in my shoes. 04:29 Mercy, mercy. 04:30 I said myself, man, I got to be careful 04:32 with the way I walk, 04:33 because my son is gonna walk in my shoes. 04:35 Pause for a second there, dude. 04:37 Can we just agree that having a little person, 04:40 is like, crazy there. Oh, yeah. 04:42 You are responsible for another human 04:44 being for the rest of, it's he or she's life, dude, 04:47 does that scare you at all? 04:49 I mean, seriously man, I want to know. 04:50 Well, if you guys know the easy button is for crying, 04:52 please let me know, please let me know up front 04:55 but the responsibility is awesome, man. 04:57 You know, actually for me first it's very humbling, 05:00 you know, just to think that God would allow for me 05:02 to raise another human being. 05:04 I mean, I think I haven't prayed so much in my life, 05:08 because before you know, their clothing 05:10 or you know, your personality, character, 05:12 the thing I'm thinking about is man, 05:14 I got to get this person to heaven. 05:15 You know, like, that's really my responsibility, man. 05:18 So it's a lot on my shoulders, man. 05:20 But you know, what I think about though, 05:21 can I just keep it real? 05:23 Sure. Please, please. 05:24 I think about the fact that I got two black boys, 05:27 living in society that we are living in today, 05:30 and I'm looking at them boys like, man, 05:32 I gotta make sure that I'm there for them, 05:34 that I'll train them up to know, 05:36 you know, not only God 05:37 but train him to have responsibility, 05:39 to respect authority. 05:41 I drive down the street all the time, 05:42 my boys in the car, I mean, you know they, 05:44 right now they love the police. 05:45 You know, they're like, ah police, police, police... 05:47 Well I mean my son, this got a couple of times man, 05:48 where they need to be cautious. 05:51 Something about all that right now. 05:52 So are you saying, man, he has to parent his daughter 05:55 differently from any other child 05:57 of a different background, 05:58 black children had to be parented differently, 05:59 or father different? 06:01 I think so, I think so, 06:02 I think especially as black boys 06:04 we had to be very cognitive of the fact, man, 06:07 that they are black boys, and then you know, 06:09 there's a stereotype out there 06:11 especially towards black children, spurious, 06:14 especially black boys. 06:15 So as I'm raising my children, I tell you what, 06:17 when I learned how to drive, right? 06:18 I was about 15-16 years old, 06:20 and my dad was teaching me how to drive, 06:22 you know, in a huge parking lot. 06:24 As we were driving, you know, dad says "Stop." 06:26 So we stopped the car and then dad says, "Now listen. 06:29 When you get pulled over by the police, 06:31 keep both hands on the steering wheel", 06:34 he said, "Don't make any sudden movements." 06:37 Right, I'm looking at my dad, 06:38 you know, I'm trying to do a left turn, 06:40 and he's like, "No listen, you know, 06:41 keep both the hands on steering wheel. 06:42 When the officer comes to the window, say, 06:46 "Yes ma'm, yes sir." 06:48 Roll down the window, slowly. 06:51 Tell the officer "Now I'm going to my glove compartment, right. 06:56 And don't do it fast. Do it real slow." 06:59 So I go to glove compartment 07:01 and then hand them everything they say. 07:03 I didn't understand that right until I became a father. 07:05 I was like, man that was, 07:07 you know, trying to instill within me 07:09 principles to keep my whole life safe. 07:11 From the police. 07:12 Yeah, and just really trying to instill within me, 07:16 the sense of respect and authority, you know, 07:19 for any authority that comes my way, 07:20 but especially when it comes to the police. 07:22 So I'm always thinking about that, 07:24 especially with my young black boys today. 07:25 Well, that happened to me. 07:28 My father taught me, when I'm in a car, 07:30 when I'm driving, 07:32 that I have to do exactly what you just said. 07:34 It happened to me. 07:35 Five police officers 07:37 and five police vehicles pulled me over. 07:40 Five? Five. 07:42 Wow. They all got out... 07:43 You must have been speeding or something. 07:45 No. 07:46 I was driving 25 miles an hour in a resident area. 07:51 But they were not looking for me, 07:53 they were looking for someone else. 07:54 They were looking for my brother. 07:56 And so they thought I was my brother. 08:00 So they pulled me over, I put my hands on the wheels, 08:03 I raised the window up and left only two inches. 08:08 But they got out of their car 08:10 and they pulled their guns out on me. 08:13 They were all on each side of the car, 08:15 in front of car, holding in front, 08:17 and I had my hands on the wheel. 08:20 Now what did that teach me? 08:22 It taught me a lesson 08:25 that I had to learn to listen to my father. 08:29 His wisdom and his knowledge saved me. 08:33 Now to conclude, I did respect the officer, 08:36 I gave him my license, 08:38 the registration and I told him, 08:39 "I'm going in to the glove compartment," 08:42 because that's where the registration is located. 08:44 And there was a police officer 08:46 with his gun aimed at the glove compartment. 08:50 And so I opened the glove compartment, 08:51 let it fall open and then I reached my hand in 08:54 and pulled out and showed him, 08:56 you know, then I put this hand over here, 09:00 put my hand back on the wheel, looked at though, 09:02 smiling at the officer and then he said, 09:04 "You are not Joey." 09:06 I said "No, I'm Jason. 09:07 I am a theology student at Oakwood College, 09:12 and so I just returned from Alabama, 09:16 and I haven't seen my brother." 09:18 And then they let me go. 09:19 Okay, well, listening is one part, 09:24 but now obeying what you said is another. 09:27 Okay, okay. 09:28 Well, I hear y'all, man, 09:29 I hear you but I gotta be honest. 09:31 You know, you are talking about 09:32 your father taught you as a guy, 09:33 you are talking about your sons, man. 09:35 I gotta a little girl, man. 09:36 I gotta a little girl. It's real. 09:38 I gotta a little girl. 09:39 You know, when I think about you know, 09:41 especially we're talking about kids, black kids, 09:43 you know, growing up black. 09:45 I think about the fact that, 09:46 you know, African-American women have been, 09:48 you know, kinda stigmatized as sex objects, 09:51 and I kinda think, my greatest fear 09:53 is the fact that one day my daughter is gonna 09:55 bring a young man home. 09:56 Well that somebody's gonna look at her 09:58 in the way that I noted men looked at girls. 10:01 So correct me if I am wrong, man, 10:03 that's the real fear like, what do I do? 10:05 Now, my daughter actually attended Pine Forge Academy. 10:10 And I was three and a half hours away from Pine Forge. 10:12 So I was always there, at least twice a month, 10:15 just to make sure she was safe, just to make sure she was okay, 10:18 and then when she introduced me to her boyfriend, 10:22 I sat him down, and I had to talk to him... 10:25 Oh, boy. Where are you from? 10:27 Was he scared? Was he scared? 10:28 Well, he was shaking in his boots. 10:30 I said, "Where are you from?" He said, "From New York." 10:33 "Oh, are you from New York, from the city, 10:34 or from the country, or from the state? 10:38 I said, "How old are you? Are you a sophomore, junior?" 10:41 He said, "I'm a senior." Well, my daughter is a junior. 10:43 So I'm like, okay, all right. 10:45 I'm questioning him but as a man. 10:48 One thing I can understand about raising a daughter, 10:51 is that the father must raise the daughter... 10:55 Watch this, as if he is the man that's gonna marry her. 11:00 Why? Why did I say that? 11:02 Because you are the only person in her life 11:06 that is the role model. 11:07 So she's gonna look at you and say, "Do you know what? 11:09 If I'm gonna marry somebody, it's gonna be like daddy, 11:12 because daddy respected me, daddy trusted me, 11:15 daddy never said a blurb of a curse word at me, 11:19 daddy never raised his hand to harm me, 11:22 daddy trusted me, he cared for me." 11:25 And she's gonna look for that kind of individual 11:27 when she marries. 11:29 So when you walk down the aisle, 11:30 you are crying because you said, 11:32 "Finally I have somebody to take care of my daughter." 11:34 That's what you have to think about when you're doing this. 11:36 Right, so for her self-worth, her identity, that's all on me. 11:41 Yes, sir. 11:42 So I gotta make sure, she knows she's beautiful, 11:44 she knows she's worth something. 11:45 Okay, it makes sense. 11:47 I remember my daughter was in the mirror, 11:48 she's a little girl, she was in the mirror, 11:50 and she was looking at herself, 11:52 and I said, "Oh what a beautiful little daughter, 11:54 oh beautiful. You are just gorgeous." 11:56 But who had to do her hair? I had to do her hair. 12:00 So I had to learn how to do her hair. 12:02 Did you do a good job? I had to learn. 12:05 You know, there is some young ladies 12:08 who play tennis and they had these beads 12:09 in their hair so I emulated that. 12:11 But I learned how to do her hair, properly. 12:15 Okay, I learned how to take her to school for... 12:18 And a gentleman open the door for your daughter, 12:21 close the door... 12:22 Do the things that you want her to do when she grows up 12:26 because a man is gonna take your place. 12:28 Wow. Well, let me ask this, man. 12:30 I want to ask you for a real quick, 12:31 for his benefit and my, Will. 12:32 I mean then with your two boys, how old are they again? 12:34 Nine and four. Nine and four years old, man. 12:36 What are you teaching them right now, to like, 12:38 prepare them for life to be a man? 12:40 Yeah, I mean. It's real basic, right. 12:42 So I mean, right now I am touching upon 12:44 how to dress, you know. 12:46 Every week, we always are judge as mates 12:48 because as brothers, man, we are always judged 12:50 by what we dress. 12:51 So while leaving the house, man, I'm like, 12:52 "Guys, I mean, comb your hair. 12:54 Make sure, you know, you put some lotion on, 12:56 you know, if your shirt, you know, 12:58 is gonna be tucked in, or tucked out 12:59 but make sure you are presentable." 13:00 Because no matter where I go, man, somebody, 13:02 especially in the malls, right. 13:04 So even, you know, the dress aspect. 13:06 But when we get into the malls, believe it or not, 13:08 like my nine and my four year old, 13:10 I'm seeing that, especially like 13:12 in a big departmental store, I'm like, guys, 13:13 look the cameras are right there, 13:15 cameras are right here, cameras are right here, 13:17 you are being watched, you are being followed. 13:19 Not that I'm paranoid, but I just want them 13:20 to get to understand that, "Listen everybody... 13:23 Somebody's gonna always watch you, right. 13:24 No matter what you are doing, 13:26 whether you are positive or negative. 13:27 So from the dress, to the mall, to just how to carry yourself 13:30 as a nine year old or even, you know, 13:32 just be a happy four year old. 13:34 But also a kinds of a fact man that, 13:36 the stereotypes are out here, people are gonna judge my boys 13:40 greater than probably anybody else, 13:43 especially ethnicities are racial, 13:45 you know, so I'm definitely kinda into that. 13:46 That's a very good point, you know, 13:48 I have so many friends, girls and guys, 13:50 who say they are not having children, 13:52 because they are afraid of where our society is going, 13:55 you know, where this generation is taking them, 13:56 and the unfair paranoia that is around, 13:59 especially black men. 14:01 And I don't know, if you guys agree with me, 14:02 but like, you know, I'm from the South 14:04 and I felt the feeling of walking past 14:07 someone of another ethnicity, 14:08 and them holding their purse more tightly 14:10 when I'm around, or locking their doors, 14:12 or everybody getting uncomfortable 14:14 while I walk to the elevator, 14:15 you know, not even knowing that, 14:17 I'm a regular, upstanding, moral guy. 14:19 I mean, isn't it just kinda unfair 14:20 what's going on? 14:22 I think it's unfair, but I think it's also 14:23 because again, the stereotype. 14:25 And I want to be fair with the stereotype, 14:26 but it's that, when we go to the mall, 14:28 you know, especially when I have my youngest, 14:29 it happen with both of my boys, 14:31 especially my youngest though, 14:32 you know, my kids are with me everywhere I go, 14:34 you know, everywhere I go, they are with me. 14:36 So a lot of times, when I'm pushing or strolling and stuff, 14:38 people will say to me, like, 14:39 "Oh, look at that, they are so cute." 14:41 You gotta get that. "Oh, they are so cute." 14:44 Oh, you are babysitting, you are babysitting. 14:47 Man, I got so sick of people saying, you are babysitting? 14:48 And I am like, "No, it's called fathering,' 14:52 because people don't assume right, 14:55 that we as black men care for our children. 14:58 You are not just a baby daddy, you are a father. 15:00 I'm a father, and I'm a proud black father. 15:03 And it's a big difference. It is a big difference, yeah. 15:05 I remember when I taught my son, I said, 15:08 "When you go to the shopping mall, 15:10 make sure you dress properly." 15:12 So he wanted to dress like everybody else, jeans, 15:16 you know, sneakers, what have you and the hats. 15:19 So I say, "Make sure your pants are up, 15:21 on your waist." 15:23 And he said, "Why?" 15:24 "Well, let me tell you the story," 15:25 I said, "When I used to visit prisons, 15:27 in Canada, and in Brazil, and in United States," 15:30 and I was the prison ministry director 15:32 of a conference. 15:33 So I said, "Those who are in the prison, 15:36 they use that signal when they put their pants 15:40 to a certain level. 15:41 That's for a different type of individual in the prison." 15:45 I'm making my pants upright. Yeah. 15:47 So when you're walking in the mall, 15:49 you don't want to give the same signals. 15:53 So what he did, he pulled them down. 15:55 So I was walking behind him. 15:57 So what I did, I pulled them down, 15:59 and then he pulled them back up, 16:01 and I pulled them down, he pulled them back up. 16:02 I said, "Okay," he didn't get my signal, 16:04 I pulled them down to the floor. 16:07 Then he pulled them way up, he kept them up, 16:10 because he realized that he wasn't supposed 16:12 to show his body in that way. 16:15 We had to sit home, and we had to talk about that. 16:18 It's important to speak to them, 16:21 not as a mean and angry father, but to talk to them as a father 16:26 who cares and loves them. 16:28 Right, you know, not an authoritative, 16:30 dominant father. 16:31 You know, all my friends know this, man, 16:33 me and my dad were like this, like we are like best friends. 16:35 I don't really make any major decisions in my life 16:38 without talking to my dad first. 16:39 And, but my dad, he was pretty tough with me, 16:42 he was my friend, he loved me, 16:44 but you guys probably know already, 16:46 you kind of, really can't be all father 16:48 and all friend. 16:49 Right, right. You know what I'm saying? 16:51 You have to tell your son or your daughter 16:52 from time to time. 16:53 But my dad would say, "Son, listen. 16:55 You bare my name, I want you to act respectfully, 16:57 I want to pull your pants up, 16:58 I want you to dress nicely," as you've talked too. 17:00 And I would say man, my father's presence in my life 17:04 is directly attributed to all the success 17:06 that I have right now. 17:07 My mother was always there 17:08 to cuddle me and have compassion, 17:10 but if my dad had not been there, 17:12 I don't think I would be half the man I'm today. 17:13 And that's what I want to tell Kory, man, 17:15 because you have a young girl, and the reality is, 17:18 that I kinda remember when I was in, you know, 17:19 junior high school, or high school, 17:21 and this may be stereotype as well, 17:22 but I can sometimes tell the girls 17:25 that didn't have a father in the home. 17:27 I mean, they are always kinda little bit desperate, 17:30 always kinda, you know... 17:31 Insecure too. Insecure, extremely, right? 17:34 And those were the ones 17:35 sometimes that the guys went after, 17:37 because they knew they are gonna be easier to get. 17:40 Well, see that's my trouble 17:41 because I know personally what guys don't like. 17:44 Right, right. 17:45 But I think, and you know, correct me if I'm wrong, 17:47 but I think what I'm getting from you guys 17:48 and what I've already started to practice, 17:50 it's just being very intentional 17:52 about being a dad, 17:53 you know, we come from a history 17:55 of a people group 17:57 whose families are really ripped apart, 17:59 you know, and I felt that in my own life. 18:02 I didn't really grow with my father, 18:04 you know, and the guy who I grew up with, 18:05 I mean he did the best he could do 18:07 but he wasn't really my dad, you know. 18:09 And so even now my daughter is only a few weeks 18:12 but I'm very intentional about being her dad. 18:14 You know, I give her mother break 18:15 when I can give her a break, you know I make sure 18:18 that her mother is not the only one holding her, 18:20 you know, make sure her mother's voice 18:22 is not the only voice she hears. 18:23 You know, I make sure 18:25 I can set the example for her as well, 18:26 I can calm her down as well, 18:27 and by God's grace I can keep that trend going, 18:30 you know, all throughout the rest of her life. 18:31 It takes two individuals and a tribe as we would say, 18:37 a church, family, society 18:41 and relatives to raise your daughter. 18:43 Because there's gonna come a time 18:46 when she is not gonna listen to you, 18:48 but she'll listen to others. 18:49 But make sure the others are family members, okay. 18:53 Make sure there are other members 18:56 of the family 18:57 who's gonna help raise your child. 19:00 Because it takes a family, a large family 19:02 and that's the most important reason 19:04 why we need to be in church. 19:06 We need to take that young girl 19:08 and put her in church in the morning. 19:10 You can't come to church at 11 o'clock. 19:12 You have to be there 19:13 when they have that type of Bible school 19:17 for that young child. 19:20 And you have to be there with her. 19:23 You can't go upstairs or downstairs, 19:25 you have to be there with her. 19:26 When the father dedicates more time to the child, 19:30 then in the in when she's growing up, 19:32 becoming a teenager, we'll talk about that later, 19:35 when she becomes a teenager, then you'll say, 19:37 I've put so much time into my daughter, 19:40 that now she respects me, she respects my counsel, 19:43 she respects my love, and she respects my wisdom, 19:46 and when it's time for her to decide 19:48 who she's going to marry, she'll always come to dad. 19:51 This is crazy, man, I wish so many young guys 19:53 could hear how much of an awesome responsibility 19:56 being a father is. 19:58 In our community, and I'm just, 19:59 you know, in the black community, man, 20:00 we have a lot of baby daddies. 20:02 Am I right, man? 20:03 Lot of guys are just having kids 20:05 but they are not really being fathers. 20:08 It really burdens me and I know, 20:09 you know, all of you guys here, 20:11 you are pretty vocal about your Christianity, 20:13 I mean, how has God, 20:14 if He has in anyway helped you to become a better father, 20:17 and may be how is He gonna help you, Kory? 20:19 Well, man I can tell you already. 20:22 I think that may be the family breakdown 20:24 is part of why it's so hard for us 20:26 to accept God, especially a lot of, 20:27 you know, young black men. 20:29 I can tell you already with my daughter, man, 20:30 I've learned so much about God, His patience... 20:34 Through your daughter? What? 20:35 Man... How old is she? 20:36 She's only a few weeks. 20:38 I have learned dependency, 20:40 you know, babies are so dependent, 20:43 and I, you know, I look at myself as the father 20:45 and I think, "Man, you know, 20:47 may be God wants me to be like her." 20:48 you know, just to depend on Him for everything, 20:50 or I think at a times where she cries, 20:52 because that's all she can do, she can't talk, 20:54 she can't say I'm hungry. 20:55 Now I don't know 20:56 what the cries mean all the time, 20:58 but I know something's wrong, 20:59 you know, and I began to think 21:01 the other day, I felt kinda ashamed, 21:02 like man, sometimes things are wrong with me. 21:04 And I never, I don't cry to God as much as I should, 21:07 may be I ought to bowl out to God 21:08 and cry till He picks me up, 21:10 you know, and sews me in one of the cases, 21:12 but I've learned so much about God, man, 21:14 you know, it's extremely humbling, 21:16 it's really put things in perspective. 21:17 You are taking His place. 21:20 You are the father, there is a father in heaven, 21:24 there's a father on earth. 21:26 When you hold that girl 21:28 in your hands, you are the father. 21:31 You present her to the father in heaven... 21:32 That's deep, man. 21:33 You are the father here on this earth 21:35 to take care of her, to protect her, to love her, 21:38 and all of that nurturing will pay off when she grows up. 21:42 My daughter tells me, 21:44 that she remembers me singing to her, 21:48 when she was a baby. 21:49 My daughter is a great singer today. 21:51 She sings very well. 21:52 But she learned that from daddy. 21:55 She also told me that, 21:56 "Dad, I remember you looking into my eyes." 21:59 I'm like, "You remember that?" 22:03 That, the eye contact is so key 22:07 but now we have many young women out there, 22:11 black women, 22:13 who can't even see the eyes of their father 22:16 because he's in prison, he's dead, 22:19 he's somewhere else. 22:21 And so, it's so important to have that contact, 22:23 the eye contact, and also have the touch. 22:27 Touch is very important, being there for her, 22:31 make sure you learn how to braid her hair, 22:35 make sure you learn how to pick cloth out for her. 22:38 Because one she's gonna start picking her clothes out. 22:41 Let me say, so you're saying 22:42 that in Kory's daughter's formative years, 22:45 he can deposit some stuff into her life, 22:47 already three weeks old. 22:48 Is that possible? Yes, it is possible. 22:50 Wow. 22:51 Your sound, the sound of your voice, 22:53 your eye contact, and you know what? 22:55 One another thing, she knows you by your smell. 23:00 This is crazy, this is deep wisdom right here, 23:02 I don't know. 23:03 Yes, 31 years, 31 years. Make sure you smell good. 23:08 Now for me, it wasn't that deep, 23:10 for me growing up, man, we are blessed, 23:13 and I don't know if everybody's here 23:14 where everybody's saying, everybody is some of their dad, 23:16 their father, right... 23:17 Yeah, yeah. It's rare. 23:18 Yeah, it's rare because statistics show, 23:20 for the most part that most African-American families, 23:23 right, there's not a father in the home. 23:26 Even some studies show, that literally back in slavery, 23:29 it was a better chance to have two parents in the home 23:31 than it is right now in our age. 23:33 Wow, man. 23:34 Right, so we are extremely blessed right, 23:36 to say that we have this conversation, 23:38 but for me, man, 23:39 it was that my father again, took me to church, 23:43 I've a older brother, every single Sabbath, 23:46 took us to church, make sure 23:49 that we were in Sabbath school all the time. 23:51 Make sure that we knew our memory verses, 23:54 make sure that we sat in church with quizzes afterwards, 23:59 and then here's also, that the church element, 24:01 that really deposited into my life. 24:03 But the next that made a difference in my life, 24:06 was that my dad hung out with me, right. 24:08 So I play basketball, I love basketball, right, 24:11 so I love basketball, my kids love basketball, 24:14 so what I do right now is, 24:15 we got a little rim at the house 24:17 so we are not so, my kids want my time, 24:20 you know, they want dad. 24:21 They ain't trying to get us as professional, 24:24 they just want my time. 24:26 So like, you know, dad play with me. 24:27 You know, I can't always be like, 24:29 "Well, I'm too busy", you know, "I gotta do this." 24:31 Your daughter, our kids, they want our time. 24:34 So what happens is, 24:35 you know, I come home, make sure that, 24:37 you know, "Hey, how is it going?" 24:39 you know, I come in there, shoot ball with them... 24:41 You dunk on them, tell the truth. 24:42 Absolutely, you know, I'm doing everything. 24:45 You know what I'm saying? 24:48 Push them down a little bit, you know, we have a great time, 24:50 but you know, and they love that, 24:52 you know, they're just like, "No." 24:53 Were so like, "No, don't go dad, 24:55 don't go, stay over, hang over..." 24:57 Kids want our time more than anything else, 25:00 may sure that we give kids our time. 25:02 The national stats says, that most families, 25:06 most fathers will only spend 15 minutes 25:09 with their children, per day. 25:12 So that means, five minutes in the morning, get up. 25:14 Five minutes before they go to bed, 25:15 and five minutes to say," 25:16 You have a nice day, see you later." 25:19 Fifteen minutes, spend hours with her. 25:21 Because they're gonna, 25:23 those hours is the education that your daughter needs. 25:26 Right, so being there, and support. 25:28 And I gotta share this with you guys, 25:30 that my dad told me once, 25:31 he said, "Son, as long as you follow God, 25:33 I'll support you in anything you do. 25:35 If you do the right thing, I'll support you. 25:36 but he said, "If you make your decisions, 25:38 I'll be there, to help bail you out." 25:41 He said, "I won't always be there all the time. 25:43 But if you follow God, 25:44 I'll make sure that I'll take care of you." 25:46 You know, and that, 25:47 that really deposited something special in my mind, 25:49 it made me see, you know what, if I follow God, 25:52 everything is going to fall into place. 25:54 I mean, I don't know much, I don't have a child, 25:56 but I encourage you to do 25:57 that for your little baby as well, man. 25:59 Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. 26:00 It's important, it's very important. 26:01 Bible is clear man, Bible says, 26:03 "Seek ye first the kingdom of God 26:04 and all of his righteousness 26:06 and all of these things will be added unto you." 26:07 I know, you know God, man, trust Him, 26:09 He's gonna bless all of us as we parent our children. 26:12 Right. 26:13 One other verse that kinda keeps me too, 26:14 is that you know, 26:16 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." 26:18 And so it kinda brings me back to God, whenever she cries, 26:22 you know, and I don't know what it is, and I'm like 26:23 "God, you know, you understand baby language, 26:26 you know what she needs, so just let me know." 26:28 Right. Right. Wow, that's really crazy, man. 26:30 That's powerful though, man, 26:32 that God's word is there for us in every aspect of life 26:35 including fatherhood. 26:36 I really like what you said Will, man, 26:38 seek ye first the kingdom of God, 26:39 and all these righteousness 26:41 and all these things will be added unto you. 26:42 Man, I take heart in that, because before today, 26:44 I was pretty scared to have a child, 26:45 but you know, it's getting late man, 26:47 so let me get to your haircut for today man, 26:48 and get you back to our daughter, 26:49 how about that? 26:51 Yup, sounds good to me. Fade, right? 26:52 Yeah. Let's do it, man. 27:03 Fathering a child is a great responsibility. 27:06 So many men do not realize 27:07 that being someone's baby daddy, 27:09 is not nearly the same thing as being a father. 27:12 A child will need a father that is dependable, 27:14 available and wise. 27:16 Black fathers must especially be involved, 27:18 as we see so many black children go astray 27:20 or become victims of society 27:22 because of factors beyond their control. 27:24 Here's a promise to fathers and their children 27:26 who seek God for help, Proverbs 20:7 says, 27:28 "The righteous who walks in his integrity, 27:31 blessed are his children after him." |
Revised 2018-05-30