Hi, my name is John Coaxum,
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and welcome to my
barbershop "Cuttin' Loose."
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You know, the barbershop
is one of the last places
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where a guy can
come, and keep it real,
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and speak freely
about his issues.
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Today, our topic
is "Black Fatherhood."
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Come on and join us in the shop.
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All right.
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I think I got you
set up here, big man.
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All right. All right. And
what you think about that?
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Cool. You demand, you demand.
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Good? Good, good enough, man.
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Yo, hang out with us
for a little bit man.
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Won't you? All right.
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All right. KP, you up, man.
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All right, let's do it.
My boy, my boy, what's goin'?
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What's up man? You
all right? Good, I'm good.
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What are you getting today?
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I may go and get
a low season, man.
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I' getting a low
season. Low season? I got you.
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Oh, matter of fact man,
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I just heard,
dude, do you have a baby?
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Yeah, man. Yeah?
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Yup, just had a baby, man.
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Boy or girl? It's a girl.
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Oh, man, listen I'm
sincerely praying for you, man,
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I pray you have your shotgun,
your license and all that.
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I'm working on
it, working on it.
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You working on
it? Working on it.
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Matter of fact, man,
aren't you a father too, Will?
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Yes, sir, I got two
boys. Boys, and Jason?
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I have two
children, a boy and a girl.
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Wow, man. Wow.
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So listen, you all need
to give this man some advice.
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Man, you all let me know, man.
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I'm struggling
baby, I'm struggling.
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Matter of fact man, I
want you all for a moment,
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y'all know, I just
got married myself, man.
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So I need some
advice too. Will, what's up?
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Yeah, man. My two boys, man.
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When I look at my
two kids, I see myself.
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And parenting is
serious business, man.
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It is no joke. Mercy.
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Wow. Jason?
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Well, when I see my children,
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because my son is 31
years old, my daughter is 27...
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We got a long way to get to 31.
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So I've been with
my family for 35 years.
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Here is what I've
learned over the years...
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This can be good.
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My son and my daughter
are two different people.
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Even though they are
from the two parents,
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but they are two
different people.
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And you have to
realize as a father,
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your daughter is gonna
grow up a little different,
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either from you or your wife.
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And you have to treat
them as separate individuals.
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You cannot treat them equally,
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because they have
grown up differently.
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My son is very cautious.
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My daughter is
very outgoing like me.
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So when you distinguish
those characteristics
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between your
children, then you can determine
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how you're going to raise them.
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I had to raise my
children in church,
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and to raise my
children in school.
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But I also was taught that
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my children had
to be taught at home.
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So the home is the
primary source of information.
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And the male in the
home has to be the leader,
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he has to be the role
model for the entire family.
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And that's how you
begin your debut on.
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I hear that. I hear that.
You only got one shot though.
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I know, all right man.
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But now, man, but even
with the personality thing,
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I can already see her low
personality shining through,
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it's only a few weeks,
but I can already see it.
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She is low sarcastic, you know,
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but may be my biggest thing man,
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is you know, these
days it's just tough.
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You know, thinking
about the kind of world
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you brought your child into,
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you know, the
dangers they're gonna face.
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Knowing the disadvantages
I faced as a young man
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in the community I grew up in,
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you know, just that whole thing,
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I mean, may be you guys
give me something on that.
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Yeah, let me tell you,
man. I was, I never forget this.
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My two year old
man, he is four now,
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but he was two when it happened.
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I was getting dressed
in the closet of my house,
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and I was getting
dressed, I was in the closet
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and he was in the main room.
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He was cracking up, he was just,
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you know,
laughing, and clowning.
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I was wondering,
what in the world
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is he is doing,
you know, what is that.
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And then, when I
came out of the closet,
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into the bare room he was there,
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and he had my size-12 shoes on.
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I looked that up, oh, my,
he's got that, he is just like,
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ah...
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He's cracking up, and
he's trying to walk right,
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he's two years old
right, he's trying to walk.
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I'm looking at him like, man,
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and so I started
laughing with him.
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I looked at
myself, oh my goodness,
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my little son is
walking in my shoes.
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Mercy, mercy.
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I said myself,
man, I got to be careful
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with the way I walk,
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because my son is
gonna walk in my shoes.
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Pause for a second there, dude.
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Can we just agree that
having a little person,
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is like, crazy there. Oh, yeah.
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You are
responsible for another human
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being for the rest of,
it's he or she's life, dude,
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does that scare you at all?
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I mean, seriously
man, I want to know.
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Well, if you guys know
the easy button is for crying,
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please let me know,
please let me know up front
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but the
responsibility is awesome, man.
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You know, actually for
me first it's very humbling,
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you know, just to think
that God would allow for me
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to raise another human being.
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I mean, I think I haven't
prayed so much in my life,
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because before you
know, their clothing
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or you know, your
personality, character,
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the thing I'm
thinking about is man,
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I got to get
this person to heaven.
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You know, like, that's
really my responsibility, man.
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So it's a lot on
my shoulders, man.
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But you know, what
I think about though,
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can I just keep it real?
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Sure. Please, please.
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I think about the fact
that I got two black boys,
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living in society that
we are living in today,
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and I'm looking at
them boys like, man,
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I gotta make sure
that I'm there for them,
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that I'll train them up to know,
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you know, not only God
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but train him to
have responsibility,
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to respect authority.
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I drive down the
street all the time,
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my boys in the car,
I mean, you know they,
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right now they love the police.
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You know, they're like,
ah police, police, police...
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Well I mean my son, this
got a couple of times man,
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where they need to be cautious.
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Something about
all that right now.
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So are you saying, man,
he has to parent his daughter
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differently from any other child
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of a different background,
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black children had to
be parented differently,
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or father different?
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I think so, I think so,
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I think especially as black boys
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we had to be very
cognitive of the fact, man,
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that they are black
boys, and then you know,
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there's a stereotype out there
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especially towards
black children, spurious,
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especially black boys.
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So as I'm raising my
children, I tell you what,
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when I learned
how to drive, right?
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I was about 15-16 years old,
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and my dad was
teaching me how to drive,
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you know, in a huge parking lot.
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As we were driving,
you know, dad says "Stop."
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So we stopped the car and
then dad says, "Now listen.
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When you get
pulled over by the police,
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keep both hands on
the steering wheel",
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he said, "Don't make
any sudden movements."
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Right, I'm looking at my dad,
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you know, I'm
trying to do a left turn,
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and he's like,
"No listen, you know,
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keep both the
hands on steering wheel.
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When the officer
comes to the window, say,
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"Yes ma'm, yes sir."
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Roll down the window, slowly.
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Tell the officer "Now I'm going
to my glove compartment, right.
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And don't do it
fast. Do it real slow."
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So I go to glove compartment
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and then hand them
everything they say.
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I didn't understand that
right until I became a father.
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I was like, man that was,
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you know, trying
to instill within me
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principles to keep
my whole life safe.
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From the police.
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Yeah, and just really
trying to instill within me,
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the sense of respect
and authority, you know,
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for any authority
that comes my way,
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but especially when
it comes to the police.
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So I'm always
thinking about that,
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especially with my
young black boys today.
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Well, that happened to me.
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My father taught
me, when I'm in a car,
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when I'm driving,
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that I have to do
exactly what you just said.
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It happened to me.
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Five police officers
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and five police
vehicles pulled me over.
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Five? Five.
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Wow. They all got out...
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You must have been
speeding or something.
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No.
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I was driving 25 miles
an hour in a resident area.
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But they were
not looking for me,
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they were
looking for someone else.
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They were
looking for my brother.
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And so they
thought I was my brother.
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So they pulled me over, I
put my hands on the wheels,
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I raised the window up
and left only two inches.
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But they got out of their car
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and they pulled
their guns out on me.
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They were all on
each side of the car,
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in front of car,
holding in front,
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and I had my hands on the wheel.
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Now what did that teach me?
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It taught me a lesson
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that I had to learn
to listen to my father.
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His wisdom and his
knowledge saved me.
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Now to conclude, I
did respect the officer,
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I gave him my license,
00:08:36.88\00:08:38.51
the registration and I told him,
00:08:38.55\00:08:39.95
"I'm going in to
the glove compartment,"
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because that's where
the registration is located.
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And there was a police officer
00:08:44.75\00:08:46.49
with his gun aimed at
the glove compartment.
00:08:46.52\00:08:50.06
And so I opened
the glove compartment,
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let it fall open and
then I reached my hand in
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and pulled out and showed him,
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you know, then I
put this hand over here,
00:08:56.93\00:09:00.04
put my hand back on the
wheel, looked at though,
00:09:00.07\00:09:02.37
smiling at the
officer and then he said,
00:09:02.40\00:09:04.94
"You are not Joey."
00:09:04.97\00:09:06.31
I said "No, I'm Jason.
00:09:06.34\00:09:07.84
I am a theology
student at Oakwood College,
00:09:07.88\00:09:12.48
and so I just
returned from Alabama,
00:09:12.51\00:09:16.32
and I haven't seen my brother."
00:09:16.35\00:09:18.32
And then they let me go.
00:09:18.35\00:09:19.95
Okay, well,
listening is one part,
00:09:19.99\00:09:24.13
but now obeying
what you said is another.
00:09:24.16\00:09:27.10
Okay, okay.
00:09:27.13\00:09:28.46
Well, I hear y'all, man,
00:09:28.50\00:09:29.83
I hear you but
I gotta be honest.
00:09:29.86\00:09:31.20
You know, you are talking about
00:09:31.23\00:09:32.57
your father taught you as a guy,
00:09:32.60\00:09:33.94
you are talking
about your sons, man.
00:09:33.97\00:09:35.30
I gotta a little girl, man.
00:09:35.34\00:09:36.67
I gotta a
little girl. It's real.
00:09:36.71\00:09:38.31
I gotta a little girl.
00:09:38.34\00:09:39.67
You know, when I
think about you know,
00:09:39.71\00:09:41.31
especially we're
talking about kids, black kids,
00:09:41.34\00:09:43.61
you know, growing up black.
00:09:43.65\00:09:44.98
I think about the fact that,
00:09:45.01\00:09:46.35
you know, African-American
women have been,
00:09:46.38\00:09:48.72
you know, kinda
stigmatized as sex objects,
00:09:48.75\00:09:51.29
and I kinda
think, my greatest fear
00:09:51.32\00:09:52.99
is the fact that one
day my daughter is gonna
00:09:53.02\00:09:55.26
bring a young man home.
00:09:55.29\00:09:56.62
Well that
somebody's gonna look at her
00:09:56.66\00:09:58.26
in the way that I
noted men looked at girls.
00:09:58.29\00:10:01.03
So correct me
if I am wrong, man,
00:10:01.06\00:10:02.96
that's the real
fear like, what do I do?
00:10:03.00\00:10:05.47
Now, my daughter actually
attended Pine Forge Academy.
00:10:05.50\00:10:10.27
And I was three and a half
hours away from Pine Forge.
00:10:10.31\00:10:12.54
So I was always there,
at least twice a month,
00:10:12.57\00:10:15.64
just to make sure she was safe,
just to make sure she was okay,
00:10:15.68\00:10:18.88
and then when she
introduced me to her boyfriend,
00:10:18.91\00:10:22.08
I sat him down, and
I had to talk to him...
00:10:22.12\00:10:25.65
Oh, boy. Where are you from?
00:10:25.69\00:10:27.32
Was he scared? Was he scared?
00:10:27.36\00:10:28.72
Well, he was
shaking in his boots.
00:10:28.76\00:10:30.13
I said, "Where are you
from?" He said, "From New York."
00:10:30.16\00:10:33.06
"Oh, are you from
New York, from the city,
00:10:33.09\00:10:34.86
or from the
country, or from the state?
00:10:34.90\00:10:37.97
I said, "How old are you?
Are you a sophomore, junior?"
00:10:38.00\00:10:41.70
He said, "I'm a senior."
Well, my daughter is a junior.
00:10:41.74\00:10:43.81
So I'm like, okay, all right.
00:10:43.84\00:10:45.44
I'm questioning
him but as a man.
00:10:45.47\00:10:48.31
One thing I can understand
about raising a daughter,
00:10:48.34\00:10:51.61
is that the father
must raise the daughter...
00:10:51.65\00:10:55.58
Watch this, as if he is
the man that's gonna marry her.
00:10:55.62\00:11:00.82
Why? Why did I say that?
00:11:00.86\00:11:02.19
Because you are the
only person in her life
00:11:02.22\00:11:06.06
that is the role model.
00:11:06.09\00:11:07.86
So she's gonna look at you
and say, "Do you know what?
00:11:07.90\00:11:09.56
If I'm gonna marry somebody,
it's gonna be like daddy,
00:11:09.60\00:11:12.70
because daddy
respected me, daddy trusted me,
00:11:12.73\00:11:15.67
daddy never said a
blurb of a curse word at me,
00:11:15.70\00:11:19.44
daddy never raised
his hand to harm me,
00:11:19.47\00:11:22.84
daddy trusted
me, he cared for me."
00:11:22.88\00:11:25.51
And she's gonna look
for that kind of individual
00:11:25.55\00:11:27.95
when she marries.
00:11:27.98\00:11:29.32
So when you walk down the aisle,
00:11:29.35\00:11:30.69
you are crying because you said,
00:11:30.72\00:11:32.05
"Finally I have somebody
to take care of my daughter."
00:11:32.09\00:11:34.39
That's what you have to think
about when you're doing this.
00:11:34.42\00:11:36.76
Right, so for her self-worth,
her identity, that's all on me.
00:11:36.79\00:11:41.36
Yes, sir.
00:11:41.40\00:11:42.73
So I gotta make sure,
she knows she's beautiful,
00:11:42.76\00:11:44.40
she knows she's worth something.
00:11:44.43\00:11:45.77
Okay, it makes sense.
00:11:45.80\00:11:47.14
I remember my
daughter was in the mirror,
00:11:47.17\00:11:48.60
she's a little girl,
she was in the mirror,
00:11:48.64\00:11:50.04
and she was looking at herself,
00:11:50.07\00:11:51.97
and I said, "Oh what a
beautiful little daughter,
00:11:52.01\00:11:54.68
oh beautiful. You
are just gorgeous."
00:11:54.71\00:11:56.91
But who had to do her
hair? I had to do her hair.
00:11:56.95\00:12:00.05
So I had to learn
how to do her hair.
00:12:00.08\00:12:02.15
Did you do a good
job? I had to learn.
00:12:02.18\00:12:05.52
You know, there
is some young ladies
00:12:05.55\00:12:08.16
who play tennis and
they had these beads
00:12:08.19\00:12:09.82
in their hair
so I emulated that.
00:12:09.86\00:12:11.86
But I learned how to
do her hair, properly.
00:12:11.89\00:12:15.70
Okay, I learned how to
take her to school for...
00:12:15.73\00:12:18.03
And a gentleman open
the door for your daughter,
00:12:18.07\00:12:21.27
close the door...
00:12:21.30\00:12:22.64
Do the things that you
want her to do when she grows up
00:12:22.67\00:12:26.31
because a man is
gonna take your place.
00:12:26.34\00:12:28.61
Wow. Well, let me ask this, man.
00:12:28.64\00:12:29.98
I want to ask
you for a real quick,
00:12:30.01\00:12:31.35
for his benefit and my, Will.
00:12:31.38\00:12:32.71
I mean then with your two
boys, how old are they again?
00:12:32.75\00:12:34.65
Nine and four. Nine
and four years old, man.
00:12:34.68\00:12:36.72
What are you teaching
them right now, to like,
00:12:36.75\00:12:38.49
prepare them for
life to be a man?
00:12:38.52\00:12:40.66
Yeah, I mean.
It's real basic, right.
00:12:40.69\00:12:42.79
So I mean, right
now I am touching upon
00:12:42.82\00:12:44.49
how to dress, you know.
00:12:44.53\00:12:46.19
Every week, we
always are judge as mates
00:12:46.23\00:12:48.43
because as brothers,
man, we are always judged
00:12:48.46\00:12:50.00
by what we dress.
00:12:50.03\00:12:51.37
So while leaving the
house, man, I'm like,
00:12:51.40\00:12:52.73
"Guys, I mean, comb your hair.
00:12:52.77\00:12:54.30
Make sure, you know,
you put some lotion on,
00:12:54.34\00:12:56.20
you know, if
your shirt, you know,
00:12:56.24\00:12:57.97
is gonna be
tucked in, or tucked out
00:12:58.01\00:12:59.34
but make sure
you are presentable."
00:12:59.37\00:13:00.81
Because no matter
where I go, man, somebody,
00:13:00.84\00:13:02.54
especially in the malls, right.
00:13:02.58\00:13:04.68
So even, you
know, the dress aspect.
00:13:04.71\00:13:06.78
But when we get into the
malls, believe it or not,
00:13:06.82\00:13:08.88
like my nine and
my four year old,
00:13:08.92\00:13:10.72
I'm seeing that, especially like
00:13:10.75\00:13:12.09
in a big departmental
store, I'm like, guys,
00:13:12.12\00:13:13.72
look the
cameras are right there,
00:13:13.76\00:13:15.46
cameras are right
here, cameras are right here,
00:13:15.49\00:13:17.73
you are being watched,
you are being followed.
00:13:17.76\00:13:19.19
Not that I'm
paranoid, but I just want them
00:13:19.23\00:13:20.93
to get to understand
that, "Listen everybody...
00:13:20.96\00:13:23.23
Somebody's gonna
always watch you, right.
00:13:23.26\00:13:24.60
No matter what you are doing,
00:13:24.63\00:13:25.97
whether you are
positive or negative.
00:13:26.00\00:13:27.34
So from the dress, to the mall,
to just how to carry yourself
00:13:27.37\00:13:30.31
as a nine year
old or even, you know,
00:13:30.34\00:13:32.91
just be a happy four year old.
00:13:32.94\00:13:34.28
But also a kinds
of a fact man that,
00:13:34.31\00:13:36.21
the stereotypes are out here,
people are gonna judge my boys
00:13:36.24\00:13:40.58
greater than
probably anybody else,
00:13:40.62\00:13:43.28
especially
ethnicities are racial,
00:13:43.32\00:13:45.19
you know, so I'm
definitely kinda into that.
00:13:45.22\00:13:46.79
That's a very
good point, you know,
00:13:46.82\00:13:48.16
I have so many
friends, girls and guys,
00:13:48.19\00:13:50.79
who say they are
not having children,
00:13:50.83\00:13:52.29
because they are afraid of
where our society is going,
00:13:52.33\00:13:55.00
you know, where this
generation is taking them,
00:13:55.03\00:13:56.56
and the unfair
paranoia that is around,
00:13:56.60\00:13:59.90
especially black men.
00:13:59.93\00:14:01.27
And I don't know, if
you guys agree with me,
00:14:01.30\00:14:02.64
but like, you
know, I'm from the South
00:14:02.67\00:14:04.74
and I felt the
feeling of walking past
00:14:04.77\00:14:07.24
someone of another ethnicity,
00:14:07.28\00:14:08.71
and them holding
their purse more tightly
00:14:08.74\00:14:10.48
when I'm around, or
locking their doors,
00:14:10.51\00:14:12.78
or everybody
getting uncomfortable
00:14:12.81\00:14:14.15
while I walk to the elevator,
00:14:14.18\00:14:15.75
you know, not even knowing that,
00:14:15.78\00:14:17.12
I'm a regular,
upstanding, moral guy.
00:14:17.15\00:14:19.35
I mean, isn't it
just kinda unfair
00:14:19.39\00:14:20.92
what's going on?
00:14:20.96\00:14:22.29
I think it's unfair,
but I think it's also
00:14:22.32\00:14:23.76
because again, the stereotype.
00:14:23.79\00:14:25.23
And I want to be
fair with the stereotype,
00:14:25.26\00:14:26.59
but it's that,
when we go to the mall,
00:14:26.63\00:14:27.96
you know, especially
when I have my youngest,
00:14:28.00\00:14:29.66
it happen with both of my boys,
00:14:29.70\00:14:31.03
especially my youngest though,
00:14:31.07\00:14:32.40
you know, my kids are
with me everywhere I go,
00:14:32.43\00:14:34.54
you know, everywhere
I go, they are with me.
00:14:34.57\00:14:36.74
So a lot of times, when I'm
pushing or strolling and stuff,
00:14:36.77\00:14:38.57
people will say to me, like,
00:14:38.61\00:14:39.94
"Oh, look at
that, they are so cute."
00:14:39.97\00:14:41.64
You gotta get that.
"Oh, they are so cute."
00:14:41.68\00:14:44.51
Oh, you are babysitting,
you are babysitting.
00:14:44.55\00:14:47.02
Man, I got so sick of people
saying, you are babysitting?
00:14:47.05\00:14:48.88
And I am like, "No,
it's called fathering,'
00:14:48.92\00:14:52.72
because people
don't assume right,
00:14:52.75\00:14:54.99
that we as black men
care for our children.
00:14:55.02\00:14:58.89
You are not just a baby
daddy, you are a father.
00:14:58.93\00:15:00.50
I'm a father, and
I'm a proud black father.
00:15:00.53\00:15:03.10
And it's a big difference.
It is a big difference, yeah.
00:15:03.13\00:15:05.47
I remember when I
taught my son, I said,
00:15:05.50\00:15:08.90
"When you go to
the shopping mall,
00:15:08.94\00:15:10.81
make sure you dress properly."
00:15:10.84\00:15:12.91
So he wanted to dress
like everybody else, jeans,
00:15:12.94\00:15:16.08
you know, sneakers,
what have you and the hats.
00:15:16.11\00:15:19.01
So I say, "Make
sure your pants are up,
00:15:19.05\00:15:21.08
on your waist."
00:15:21.12\00:15:23.02
And he said, "Why?"
00:15:23.05\00:15:24.39
"Well, let me
tell you the story,"
00:15:24.42\00:15:25.75
I said, "When I
used to visit prisons,
00:15:25.79\00:15:27.12
in Canada, and in
Brazil, and in United States,"
00:15:27.16\00:15:30.56
and I was the
prison ministry director
00:15:30.59\00:15:32.26
of a conference.
00:15:32.29\00:15:33.63
So I said, "Those
who are in the prison,
00:15:33.66\00:15:36.87
they use that signal
when they put their pants
00:15:36.90\00:15:40.27
to a certain level.
00:15:40.30\00:15:41.84
That's for a different type
of individual in the prison."
00:15:41.87\00:15:45.11
I'm making my
pants upright. Yeah.
00:15:45.14\00:15:47.38
So when you're
walking in the mall,
00:15:47.41\00:15:49.78
you don't want to
give the same signals.
00:15:49.81\00:15:53.05
So what he did,
he pulled them down.
00:15:53.08\00:15:55.72
So I was walking behind him.
00:15:55.75\00:15:57.49
So what I did, I
pulled them down,
00:15:57.52\00:15:59.65
and then he pulled them back up,
00:15:59.69\00:16:01.02
and I pulled them
down, he pulled them back up.
00:16:01.06\00:16:02.56
I said, "Okay," he
didn't get my signal,
00:16:02.59\00:16:04.63
I pulled them down to the floor.
00:16:04.66\00:16:07.66
Then he pulled them
way up, he kept them up,
00:16:07.70\00:16:10.30
because he realized
that he wasn't supposed
00:16:10.33\00:16:12.80
to show his body in that way.
00:16:12.83\00:16:15.77
We had to sit home, and
we had to talk about that.
00:16:15.80\00:16:18.34
It's important to speak to them,
00:16:18.37\00:16:21.04
not as a mean and angry father,
but to talk to them as a father
00:16:21.08\00:16:26.65
who cares and loves them.
00:16:26.68\00:16:28.42
Right, you know,
not an authoritative,
00:16:28.45\00:16:30.19
dominant father.
00:16:30.22\00:16:31.55
You know, all my
friends know this, man,
00:16:31.59\00:16:33.29
me and my dad were like this,
like we are like best friends.
00:16:33.32\00:16:35.89
I don't really make any
major decisions in my life
00:16:35.92\00:16:38.09
without talking to my dad first.
00:16:38.13\00:16:39.86
And, but my dad, he
was pretty tough with me,
00:16:39.89\00:16:42.80
he was my friend, he loved me,
00:16:42.83\00:16:44.27
but you guys
probably know already,
00:16:44.30\00:16:46.13
you kind of,
really can't be all father
00:16:46.17\00:16:48.27
and all friend.
00:16:48.30\00:16:49.64
Right, right. You
know what I'm saying?
00:16:49.67\00:16:51.01
You have to tell
your son or your daughter
00:16:51.04\00:16:52.37
from time to time.
00:16:52.41\00:16:53.74
But my dad would
say, "Son, listen.
00:16:53.78\00:16:55.11
You bare my name, I
want you to act respectfully,
00:16:55.14\00:16:57.38
I want to pull your pants up,
00:16:57.41\00:16:58.75
I want you to dress
nicely," as you've talked too.
00:16:58.78\00:17:00.68
And I would say man, my
father's presence in my life
00:17:00.72\00:17:03.99
is directly
attributed to all the success
00:17:04.02\00:17:06.12
that I have right now.
00:17:06.15\00:17:07.49
My mother was always there
00:17:07.52\00:17:08.86
to cuddle me
and have compassion,
00:17:08.89\00:17:10.23
but if my dad
had not been there,
00:17:10.26\00:17:11.99
I don't think I would
be half the man I'm today.
00:17:12.03\00:17:13.73
And that's what I
want to tell Kory, man,
00:17:13.76\00:17:15.53
because you have a young
girl, and the reality is,
00:17:15.56\00:17:18.00
that I kinda remember
when I was in, you know,
00:17:18.03\00:17:19.40
junior high
school, or high school,
00:17:19.43\00:17:21.20
and this may be
stereotype as well,
00:17:21.24\00:17:22.57
but I can
sometimes tell the girls
00:17:22.60\00:17:25.61
that didn't have a
father in the home.
00:17:25.64\00:17:27.74
I mean, they are always
kinda little bit desperate,
00:17:27.78\00:17:30.15
always kinda, you know...
00:17:30.18\00:17:31.51
Insecure too.
Insecure, extremely, right?
00:17:31.55\00:17:34.05
And those were the ones
00:17:34.08\00:17:35.92
sometimes that
the guys went after,
00:17:35.95\00:17:37.79
because they knew they
are gonna be easier to get.
00:17:37.82\00:17:40.06
Well, see that's my trouble
00:17:40.09\00:17:41.42
because I know
personally what guys don't like.
00:17:41.46\00:17:44.46
Right, right.
00:17:44.49\00:17:45.83
But I think, and you
know, correct me if I'm wrong,
00:17:45.86\00:17:47.20
but I think what I'm
getting from you guys
00:17:47.23\00:17:48.73
and what I've
already started to practice,
00:17:48.76\00:17:50.77
it's just being very intentional
00:17:50.80\00:17:52.47
about being a dad,
00:17:52.50\00:17:53.87
you know, we come from a history
00:17:53.90\00:17:55.40
of a people group
00:17:55.44\00:17:57.34
whose families are
really ripped apart,
00:17:57.37\00:17:59.31
you know, and I
felt that in my own life.
00:17:59.34\00:18:02.41
I didn't really
grow with my father,
00:18:02.44\00:18:04.01
you know, and the
guy who I grew up with,
00:18:04.05\00:18:05.58
I mean he did
the best he could do
00:18:05.61\00:18:07.32
but he wasn't
really my dad, you know.
00:18:07.35\00:18:09.08
And so even now my
daughter is only a few weeks
00:18:09.12\00:18:12.12
but I'm very
intentional about being her dad.
00:18:12.15\00:18:14.52
You know, I
give her mother break
00:18:14.56\00:18:15.89
when I can give her a
break, you know I make sure
00:18:15.92\00:18:18.03
that her mother is not
the only one holding her,
00:18:18.06\00:18:20.73
you know, make
sure her mother's voice
00:18:20.76\00:18:22.23
is not the only voice she hears.
00:18:22.26\00:18:23.60
You know, I make sure
00:18:23.63\00:18:24.97
I can set the
example for her as well,
00:18:25.00\00:18:26.33
I can calm her down as well,
00:18:26.37\00:18:27.70
and by God's grace I
can keep that trend going,
00:18:27.74\00:18:30.01
you know, all
throughout the rest of her life.
00:18:30.04\00:18:31.51
It takes two individuals
and a tribe as we would say,
00:18:31.54\00:18:37.51
a church, family, society
00:18:37.55\00:18:40.98
and relatives to
raise your daughter.
00:18:41.02\00:18:43.82
Because there's
gonna come a time
00:18:43.85\00:18:46.05
when she is not
gonna listen to you,
00:18:46.09\00:18:48.06
but she'll listen to others.
00:18:48.09\00:18:49.82
But make sure the others
are family members, okay.
00:18:49.86\00:18:53.76
Make sure there
are other members
00:18:53.80\00:18:56.26
of the family
00:18:56.30\00:18:57.63
who's gonna help
raise your child.
00:18:57.67\00:19:00.07
Because it takes a
family, a large family
00:19:00.10\00:19:02.27
and that's the
most important reason
00:19:02.30\00:19:04.37
why we need to be in church.
00:19:04.41\00:19:06.41
We need to take that young girl
00:19:06.44\00:19:08.24
and put her in
church in the morning.
00:19:08.28\00:19:10.45
You can't come to
church at 11 o'clock.
00:19:10.48\00:19:12.31
You have to be there
00:19:12.35\00:19:13.68
when they have that
type of Bible school
00:19:13.72\00:19:17.89
for that young child.
00:19:17.92\00:19:20.46
And you have to
be there with her.
00:19:20.49\00:19:23.83
You can't go
upstairs or downstairs,
00:19:23.86\00:19:25.46
you have to be there with her.
00:19:25.49\00:19:26.90
When the father dedicates
more time to the child,
00:19:26.93\00:19:30.63
then in the in
when she's growing up,
00:19:30.67\00:19:32.70
becoming a teenager,
we'll talk about that later,
00:19:32.73\00:19:35.20
when she becomes a
teenager, then you'll say,
00:19:35.24\00:19:37.71
I've put so much
time into my daughter,
00:19:37.74\00:19:40.01
that now she respects
me, she respects my counsel,
00:19:40.04\00:19:43.01
she respects my love,
and she respects my wisdom,
00:19:43.04\00:19:46.68
and when it's
time for her to decide
00:19:46.72\00:19:48.62
who she's going to marry,
she'll always come to dad.
00:19:48.65\00:19:51.89
This is crazy, man, I
wish so many young guys
00:19:51.92\00:19:53.62
could hear how much of
an awesome responsibility
00:19:53.66\00:19:56.12
being a father is.
00:19:56.16\00:19:58.03
In our community, and I'm just,
00:19:58.06\00:19:59.39
you know, in the
black community, man,
00:19:59.43\00:20:00.76
we have a lot of baby daddies.
00:20:00.80\00:20:02.40
Am I right, man?
00:20:02.43\00:20:03.77
Lot of guys are just having kids
00:20:03.80\00:20:05.80
but they are not
really being fathers.
00:20:05.83\00:20:08.20
It really burdens me and I know,
00:20:08.24\00:20:09.94
you know, all of you guys here,
00:20:09.97\00:20:11.31
you are pretty vocal
about your Christianity,
00:20:11.34\00:20:13.07
I mean, how has God,
00:20:13.11\00:20:14.44
if He has in anyway helped
you to become a better father,
00:20:14.48\00:20:17.55
and may be how is He
gonna help you, Kory?
00:20:17.58\00:20:19.68
Well, man I can
tell you already.
00:20:19.71\00:20:22.12
I think that may be
the family breakdown
00:20:22.15\00:20:24.52
is part of why
it's so hard for us
00:20:24.55\00:20:26.15
to accept God,
especially a lot of,
00:20:26.19\00:20:27.82
you know, young black men.
00:20:27.86\00:20:29.29
I can tell you
already with my daughter, man,
00:20:29.32\00:20:30.79
I've learned so much
about God, His patience...
00:20:30.83\00:20:34.00
Through your daughter? What?
00:20:34.03\00:20:35.36
Man... How old is she?
00:20:35.40\00:20:36.73
She's only a few weeks.
00:20:36.77\00:20:38.23
I have learned dependency,
00:20:38.27\00:20:40.70
you know, babies
are so dependent,
00:20:40.74\00:20:43.00
and I, you know, I
look at myself as the father
00:20:43.04\00:20:45.31
and I think, "Man, you know,
00:20:45.34\00:20:47.04
may be God wants
me to be like her."
00:20:47.08\00:20:48.81
you know, just to
depend on Him for everything,
00:20:48.84\00:20:50.48
or I think at a
times where she cries,
00:20:50.51\00:20:52.58
because that's all she
can do, she can't talk,
00:20:52.61\00:20:54.05
she can't say I'm hungry.
00:20:54.08\00:20:55.42
Now I don't know
00:20:55.45\00:20:56.79
what the cries
mean all the time,
00:20:56.82\00:20:58.15
but I know something's wrong,
00:20:58.19\00:20:59.59
you know, and I began to think
00:20:59.62\00:21:01.16
the other day, I
felt kinda ashamed,
00:21:01.19\00:21:02.52
like man, sometimes
things are wrong with me.
00:21:02.56\00:21:04.53
And I never, I don't cry
to God as much as I should,
00:21:04.56\00:21:07.10
may be I ought
to bowl out to God
00:21:07.13\00:21:08.46
and cry till He picks me up,
00:21:08.50\00:21:10.73
you know, and sews
me in one of the cases,
00:21:10.77\00:21:12.87
but I've learned so
much about God, man,
00:21:12.90\00:21:14.84
you know, it's
extremely humbling,
00:21:14.87\00:21:16.24
it's really put
things in perspective.
00:21:16.27\00:21:17.61
You are taking His place.
00:21:17.64\00:21:20.04
You are the father,
there is a father in heaven,
00:21:20.08\00:21:24.11
there's a father on earth.
00:21:24.15\00:21:26.01
When you hold that girl
00:21:26.05\00:21:28.05
in your hands,
you are the father.
00:21:28.08\00:21:30.99
You present her to
the father in heaven...
00:21:31.02\00:21:32.59
That's deep, man.
00:21:32.62\00:21:33.96
You are the
father here on this earth
00:21:33.99\00:21:35.32
to take care of her, to
protect her, to love her,
00:21:35.36\00:21:38.23
and all of that nurturing
will pay off when she grows up.
00:21:38.26\00:21:42.93
My daughter tells me,
00:21:42.96\00:21:44.53
that she
remembers me singing to her,
00:21:44.57\00:21:48.17
when she was a baby.
00:21:48.20\00:21:49.64
My daughter is a
great singer today.
00:21:49.67\00:21:51.47
She sings very well.
00:21:51.51\00:21:52.84
But she learned that from daddy.
00:21:52.87\00:21:55.18
She also told me that,
00:21:55.21\00:21:56.54
"Dad, I remember you
looking into my eyes."
00:21:56.58\00:21:59.21
I'm like, "You remember that?"
00:21:59.25\00:22:03.62
That, the eye contact is so key
00:22:03.65\00:22:07.39
but now we have many
young women out there,
00:22:07.42\00:22:11.63
black women,
00:22:11.66\00:22:12.99
who can't even see
the eyes of their father
00:22:13.03\00:22:16.56
because he's in
prison, he's dead,
00:22:16.60\00:22:19.43
he's somewhere else.
00:22:19.47\00:22:21.14
And so, it's so
important to have that contact,
00:22:21.17\00:22:23.30
the eye contact,
and also have the touch.
00:22:23.34\00:22:27.44
Touch is very
important, being there for her,
00:22:27.48\00:22:31.61
make sure you learn
how to braid her hair,
00:22:31.65\00:22:35.08
make sure you learn how
to pick cloth out for her.
00:22:35.12\00:22:38.55
Because one she's gonna
start picking her clothes out.
00:22:38.59\00:22:41.42
Let me say, so you're saying
00:22:41.46\00:22:42.79
that in Kory's
daughter's formative years,
00:22:42.82\00:22:45.59
he can deposit some
stuff into her life,
00:22:45.63\00:22:47.40
already three weeks old.
00:22:47.43\00:22:48.76
Is that possible?
Yes, it is possible.
00:22:48.80\00:22:50.20
Wow.
00:22:50.23\00:22:51.57
Your sound, the
sound of your voice,
00:22:51.60\00:22:53.03
your eye contact,
and you know what?
00:22:53.07\00:22:55.50
One another thing, she
knows you by your smell.
00:22:55.54\00:23:00.41
This is crazy, this is
deep wisdom right here,
00:23:00.44\00:23:02.11
I don't know.
00:23:02.14\00:23:03.48
Yes, 31 years, 31 years.
Make sure you smell good.
00:23:03.51\00:23:08.68
Now for me, it wasn't that deep,
00:23:08.72\00:23:10.49
for me growing up,
man, we are blessed,
00:23:10.52\00:23:13.36
and I don't know
if everybody's here
00:23:13.39\00:23:14.72
where everybody's saying,
everybody is some of their dad,
00:23:14.76\00:23:16.09
their father, right...
00:23:16.12\00:23:17.46
Yeah, yeah. It's rare.
00:23:17.49\00:23:18.83
Yeah, it's rare
because statistics show,
00:23:18.86\00:23:20.63
for the most part that
most African-American families,
00:23:20.66\00:23:23.53
right, there's not
a father in the home.
00:23:23.57\00:23:26.13
Even some studies show,
that literally back in slavery,
00:23:26.17\00:23:29.47
it was a better chance to
have two parents in the home
00:23:29.50\00:23:31.64
than it is right now in our age.
00:23:31.67\00:23:33.01
Wow, man.
00:23:33.04\00:23:34.38
Right, so we are
extremely blessed right,
00:23:34.41\00:23:36.85
to say that we
have this conversation,
00:23:36.88\00:23:38.41
but for me, man,
00:23:38.45\00:23:39.78
it was that my father
again, took me to church,
00:23:39.81\00:23:43.89
I've a older
brother, every single Sabbath,
00:23:43.92\00:23:46.65
took us to church, make sure
00:23:46.69\00:23:49.72
that we were in
Sabbath school all the time.
00:23:49.76\00:23:51.96
Make sure that we
knew our memory verses,
00:23:51.99\00:23:54.36
make sure that we sat in
church with quizzes afterwards,
00:23:54.40\00:23:58.97
and then here's also,
that the church element,
00:23:59.00\00:24:01.40
that really
deposited into my life.
00:24:01.44\00:24:03.71
But the next that made
a difference in my life,
00:24:03.74\00:24:06.37
was that my dad
hung out with me, right.
00:24:06.41\00:24:08.44
So I play basketball,
I love basketball, right,
00:24:08.48\00:24:11.01
so I love basketball,
my kids love basketball,
00:24:11.05\00:24:14.38
so what I do right now is,
00:24:14.42\00:24:15.75
we got a little rim at the house
00:24:15.78\00:24:17.12
so we are not so,
my kids want my time,
00:24:17.15\00:24:20.46
you know, they want dad.
00:24:20.49\00:24:21.92
They ain't trying to
get us as professional,
00:24:21.96\00:24:24.96
they just want my time.
00:24:24.99\00:24:26.33
So like, you
know, dad play with me.
00:24:26.36\00:24:27.80
You know, I
can't always be like,
00:24:27.83\00:24:29.40
"Well, I'm too busy",
you know, "I gotta do this."
00:24:29.43\00:24:31.53
Your daughter, our
kids, they want our time.
00:24:31.57\00:24:34.40
So what happens is,
00:24:34.44\00:24:35.77
you know, I come
home, make sure that,
00:24:35.80\00:24:37.77
you know, "Hey,
how is it going?"
00:24:37.81\00:24:39.14
you know, I come in
there, shoot ball with them...
00:24:39.17\00:24:41.24
You dunk on
them, tell the truth.
00:24:41.28\00:24:42.61
Absolutely, you
know, I'm doing everything.
00:24:42.64\00:24:45.85
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:45.88\00:24:48.22
Push them down a little bit,
you know, we have a great time,
00:24:48.25\00:24:50.79
but you know,
and they love that,
00:24:50.82\00:24:52.52
you know,
they're just like, "No."
00:24:52.55\00:24:53.89
Were so like, "No, don't go dad,
00:24:53.92\00:24:55.52
don't go, stay
over, hang over..."
00:24:55.56\00:24:57.46
Kids want our time
more than anything else,
00:24:57.49\00:25:00.26
may sure that we
give kids our time.
00:25:00.30\00:25:02.43
The national stats
says, that most families,
00:25:02.46\00:25:06.84
most fathers will
only spend 15 minutes
00:25:06.87\00:25:09.94
with their children, per day.
00:25:09.97\00:25:12.04
So that means, five
minutes in the morning, get up.
00:25:12.07\00:25:14.18
Five minutes
before they go to bed,
00:25:14.21\00:25:15.54
and five minutes to say,"
00:25:15.58\00:25:16.91
You have a nice
day, see you later."
00:25:16.95\00:25:18.98
Fifteen minutes,
spend hours with her.
00:25:19.01\00:25:21.68
Because they're gonna,
00:25:21.72\00:25:23.05
those hours is the education
that your daughter needs.
00:25:23.08\00:25:26.49
Right, so being
there, and support.
00:25:26.52\00:25:28.72
And I gotta share
this with you guys,
00:25:28.76\00:25:30.09
that my dad told me once,
00:25:30.13\00:25:31.46
he said, "Son, as
long as you follow God,
00:25:31.49\00:25:33.40
I'll support you
in anything you do.
00:25:33.43\00:25:35.16
If you do the right
thing, I'll support you.
00:25:35.20\00:25:36.90
but he said, "If
you make your decisions,
00:25:36.93\00:25:38.90
I'll be there, to
help bail you out."
00:25:38.93\00:25:41.00
He said, "I won't
always be there all the time.
00:25:41.04\00:25:43.44
But if you follow God,
00:25:43.47\00:25:44.84
I'll make sure that
I'll take care of you."
00:25:44.87\00:25:46.21
You know, and that,
00:25:46.24\00:25:47.58
that really deposited
something special in my mind,
00:25:47.61\00:25:49.78
it made me see, you
know what, if I follow God,
00:25:49.81\00:25:52.11
everything is
going to fall into place.
00:25:52.15\00:25:54.48
I mean, I don't know
much, I don't have a child,
00:25:54.52\00:25:56.05
but I encourage you to do
00:25:56.08\00:25:57.42
that for your
little baby as well, man.
00:25:57.45\00:25:59.05
Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely.
00:25:59.09\00:26:00.42
It's important,
it's very important.
00:26:00.46\00:26:01.89
Bible is clear man, Bible says,
00:26:01.92\00:26:03.26
"Seek ye first
the kingdom of God
00:26:03.29\00:26:04.63
and all of his righteousness
00:26:04.66\00:26:05.99
and all of these things
will be added unto you."
00:26:06.03\00:26:07.46
I know, you know
God, man, trust Him,
00:26:07.50\00:26:09.26
He's gonna bless all of
us as we parent our children.
00:26:09.30\00:26:12.00
Right.
00:26:12.03\00:26:13.37
One other verse
that kinda keeps me too,
00:26:13.40\00:26:14.74
is that you know,
00:26:14.77\00:26:16.10
"Before I formed you
in the womb, I knew you."
00:26:16.14\00:26:18.64
And so it kinda brings me
back to God, whenever she cries,
00:26:18.67\00:26:22.34
you know, and I don't
know what it is, and I'm like
00:26:22.38\00:26:23.91
"God, you know, you
understand baby language,
00:26:23.95\00:26:26.48
you know what she
needs, so just let me know."
00:26:26.51\00:26:28.52
Right. Right. Wow,
that's really crazy, man.
00:26:28.55\00:26:30.89
That's powerful though, man,
00:26:30.92\00:26:32.25
that God's word is there
for us in every aspect of life
00:26:32.29\00:26:35.39
including fatherhood.
00:26:35.42\00:26:36.79
I really like what
you said Will, man,
00:26:36.83\00:26:38.26
seek ye first
the kingdom of God,
00:26:38.29\00:26:39.63
and all these righteousness
00:26:39.66\00:26:41.00
and all these things
will be added unto you.
00:26:41.03\00:26:42.40
Man, I take heart in
that, because before today,
00:26:42.43\00:26:44.33
I was pretty
scared to have a child,
00:26:44.37\00:26:45.70
but you know,
it's getting late man,
00:26:45.73\00:26:47.17
so let me get to your
haircut for today man,
00:26:47.20\00:26:48.54
and get you
back to our daughter,
00:26:48.57\00:26:49.90
how about that?
00:26:49.94\00:26:51.27
Yup, sounds good
to me. Fade, right?
00:26:51.31\00:26:52.91
Yeah. Let's do it, man.
00:26:52.94\00:26:54.28
Fathering a child is
a great responsibility.
00:27:03.22\00:27:06.19
So many men do not realize
00:27:06.22\00:27:07.69
that being someone's baby daddy,
00:27:07.72\00:27:09.79
is not nearly the same
thing as being a father.
00:27:09.82\00:27:12.46
A child will need a
father that is dependable,
00:27:12.49\00:27:14.53
available and wise.
00:27:14.56\00:27:16.00
Black fathers must
especially be involved,
00:27:16.03\00:27:18.10
as we see so many
black children go astray
00:27:18.13\00:27:20.34
or become victims of society
00:27:20.37\00:27:22.10
because of factors
beyond their control.
00:27:22.14\00:27:24.34
Here's a promise to
fathers and their children
00:27:24.37\00:27:26.11
who seek God for
help, Proverbs 20:7 says,
00:27:26.14\00:27:28.74
"The righteous who
walks in his integrity,
00:27:28.78\00:27:30.98
blessed are his
children after him."
00:27:31.01\00:27:33.05