When most boys grow up at some point 00:00:09.19\00:00:10.96 they start liking girls 00:00:10.99\00:00:12.42 and as most girls grow up at some point 00:00:12.45\00:00:14.44 they start liking boys. 00:00:14.47\00:00:16.27 But it doesn't always happen that way. 00:00:16.30\00:00:18.89 We're gonna talk about this 00:00:18.92\00:00:20.49 on the next edition of Coming Out. 00:00:20.52\00:00:22.61 Welcome back to part two of Coming Out 00:01:06.61\00:01:09.20 special series produced by White Horse Media 00:01:09.23\00:01:11.79 and its dealing with homosexual issues, 00:01:11.82\00:01:14.27 lesbian issues, the Bible, Jesus Christ 00:01:14.30\00:01:17.94 and God's love and grace for all. 00:01:17.97\00:01:21.13 I'm here now with Mike Carducci who is also a cofounder, 00:01:21.16\00:01:26.78 one of the cofounders of Coming Out Ministries. 00:01:26.81\00:01:29.59 He's traveled quite a ways to get here 00:01:29.62\00:01:31.19 and we just want to again-- 00:01:31.22\00:01:33.11 as I welcome Wayne I welcome you. 00:01:33.14\00:01:35.17 Thank you for joining us for this special program. 00:01:35.20\00:01:39.44 Thank you, Steve. It's awesome to be here. 00:01:39.47\00:01:41.26 Yeah it's awesome to have you. 00:01:41.29\00:01:42.73 We don't know each other that well but feel a connection. 00:01:42.76\00:01:45.39 Oh, you will. 00:01:45.42\00:01:46.83 A connection in Christ. Right. 00:01:46.86\00:01:48.56 We don't have the same background 00:01:48.59\00:01:50.12 but there is a verse in the Bible in Romans 3:23 00:01:50.15\00:01:55.06 that says that "all have sinned, 00:01:55.09\00:01:57.35 and come short of the glory of God." 00:01:57.38\00:01:58.92 So whatever sin we fallen into we all have a common bond 00:01:58.95\00:02:03.82 whatever it is that we are sinners 00:02:03.85\00:02:06.44 and that we need, we need a Savior. 00:02:06.47\00:02:08.21 Amen. Amen. 00:02:08.24\00:02:09.56 Mike, one thing I want to ask you 00:02:09.59\00:02:10.74 which I was going to ask Waynee 00:02:10.77\00:02:12.19 but I forgot and that is, 00:02:12.22\00:02:14.02 is this kind of content really appropriate for kids? 00:02:14.05\00:02:18.61 I'm sure there's parents that are watching this 00:02:18.64\00:02:21.14 and maybe they're wondering, 00:02:21.17\00:02:22.55 you know, should I let my ten-year-old 00:02:22.58\00:02:24.04 or my twelve-year-old 00:02:24.07\00:02:25.10 or my eight-year-old sit in on this series? 00:02:25.13\00:02:28.34 So what's your thought on that? 00:02:28.37\00:02:30.29 Well, one thing I found Steve, 00:02:30.32\00:02:31.84 is you know the more places that I speak 00:02:31.87\00:02:34.47 and we even spoken at a grade schools, 00:02:34.50\00:02:37.11 you know, seventh grade and younger 00:02:37.14\00:02:39.17 but what we found is that 00:02:39.20\00:02:40.34 the kids are getting an education 00:02:40.37\00:02:42.25 whether you're in charge of that or not, 00:02:42.28\00:02:43.83 you know, from the school and the things that they, 00:02:43.86\00:02:46.56 you know, handheld devices 00:02:46.59\00:02:47.71 that have access to the Internet 00:02:47.74\00:02:49.28 and what we found is that 00:02:49.31\00:02:50.35 if a parent is willing to watch this 00:02:50.38\00:02:53.51 and to encourage dialogue afterwards 00:02:53.54\00:02:56.22 what you start doing is taking the dirtiness out of it 00:02:56.25\00:02:59.27 and the child can actually find a connection to the parent 00:02:59.30\00:03:02.15 to start being open and to, you know, 00:03:02.18\00:03:04.58 start to get healing if they've been defiled 00:03:04.61\00:03:07.00 and also to give them tools that if something does happen 00:03:07.03\00:03:10.62 or if they start to have questions or temptations 00:03:10.65\00:03:13.70 that they've already got this established relationship 00:03:13.73\00:03:16.13 where they can open a dialogue with their parent. 00:03:16.16\00:03:18.33 I think would be very beneficial 00:03:18.36\00:03:20.18 but of course maybe a parent would want to view the-- 00:03:20.21\00:03:22.68 The content first. Sure. 00:03:22.71\00:03:24.28 And obviously,obviously 00:03:24.31\00:03:25.68 parents have to make their own decisions. 00:03:25.71\00:03:27.23 We certainly leave it up to your conscience 00:03:27.26\00:03:28.84 but think the reality is that 00:03:28.87\00:03:31.76 there's a whole host of kids out there 00:03:31.79\00:03:33.30 that are already being exposed two things that are not good 00:03:33.33\00:03:38.74 and are not being presented in a biblical way. 00:03:38.77\00:03:41.52 And so for a large percentage for kids 00:03:41.55\00:03:43.51 we think that this is something 00:03:43.54\00:03:45.26 that they probably really do need to hear 00:03:45.29\00:03:48.54 and we will do our best by the grace of God 00:03:48.57\00:03:51.05 to keep things as clean as possible. 00:03:51.08\00:03:53.53 You know, we all have that dirtiness in our past 00:03:53.56\00:03:56.03 that we don't want to you know take a bath in 00:03:56.06\00:03:59.42 but there are things we do need to talk about 00:03:59.45\00:04:02.02 because we need to relate 00:04:02.05\00:04:03.26 to our fellow sinners in the world 00:04:03.29\00:04:05.57 who struggle with things that are very real 00:04:05.60\00:04:07.82 and that need to be talked about. 00:04:07.85\00:04:10.76 So that's why we're doing this. 00:04:10.79\00:04:11.98 So again thank you for being here 00:04:12.01\00:04:13.74 and Mike, why don't you just, you know, go back 00:04:13.77\00:04:16.58 and start telling us your story. 00:04:16.61\00:04:18.90 I know that with-- in Wayne's case 00:04:18.93\00:04:21.90 as he looks back he had a very difficult time with his mother 00:04:21.93\00:04:25.79 and understand that with you it was really your father. 00:04:25.82\00:04:29.37 So time is yours just start talking. 00:04:29.40\00:04:32.21 Share. 00:04:32.24\00:04:33.27 Well, when I came back to God I-- I wanted to know 00:04:33.30\00:04:36.61 why this thing had come to me and you know I thought 00:04:36.64\00:04:39.52 that I was born gay from my earliest moments. 00:04:39.55\00:04:42.22 I remember on liking to do what girls like to do. 00:04:42.25\00:04:45.12 I like dressing up in my mom's clothes 00:04:45.15\00:04:46.83 and playing with dolls and I had three sisters. 00:04:46.86\00:04:50.07 So basically when I put that to God 00:04:50.10\00:04:52.58 He started to answer me through different sermons 00:04:52.61\00:04:55.93 that I was hearing and going to camp meeting 00:04:55.96\00:04:57.96 and one of the things that, that I found was 00:04:57.99\00:05:01.19 this thing called defensive detachment. 00:05:01.22\00:05:03.48 And so they talk about how every child 00:05:03.51\00:05:05.18 is born with wet cement. 00:05:05.21\00:05:06.30 You know they're-- 00:05:06.33\00:05:07.36 they have no identity masculine or feminine 00:05:07.39\00:05:09.48 but what happens as a little boy turns to like a year old 00:05:09.51\00:05:12.74 between a year old and three years old 00:05:12.77\00:05:14.54 what happens is the little boy 00:05:14.57\00:05:15.80 starts to identify that he doesn't have 00:05:15.83\00:05:18.02 you know the same parts that mom has 00:05:18.06\00:05:19.88 but he has the same parts that dad has. 00:05:19.92\00:05:21.93 So in a healthy relationship 00:05:21.96\00:05:23.22 the little boy starts wearing baseball caps backwards 00:05:23.25\00:05:25.90 because that's what his dad wears 00:05:25.93\00:05:27.67 or he starts wearing cowboy boots 00:05:27.70\00:05:28.98 because that's what dad does. 00:05:29.01\00:05:30.37 And so he starts to make this connection or transference 00:05:30.40\00:05:33.24 from the mother to the father 00:05:33.27\00:05:34.66 and that helps to harden the cement in the masculine. 00:05:34.69\00:05:38.12 For a boy. Excuse me. 00:05:38.15\00:05:40.22 Right and so the girl it's different, it's different 00:05:40.25\00:05:43.66 but some of the same gender identity 00:05:43.69\00:05:47.76 mix-up happens I think at an early age. 00:05:47.79\00:05:50.35 For me what happened is when my father was around 00:05:50.38\00:05:52.91 he was in the Navy he began-- 00:05:52.94\00:05:54.38 What state, what state were you in? 00:05:54.41\00:05:55.99 Where did you grew up? South Carolina. 00:05:56.02\00:05:57.48 South Carolina. In Virginia. 00:05:57.51\00:05:58.73 And you had a mother 00:05:58.76\00:06:00.12 that was in your home and your father 00:06:00.15\00:06:01.45 but you didn't see him as much? 00:06:01.48\00:06:02.66 Right, dad would be gone sometimes 00:06:02.69\00:06:04.20 three to six months at a time on a cruise 00:06:04.23\00:06:06.48 and so at a time when I needed that 00:06:06.51\00:06:08.93 that example he wasn't available. 00:06:08.96\00:06:10.90 So for me even though the reality was he was, 00:06:10.93\00:06:14.14 you know, providing for his family 00:06:14.17\00:06:15.66 and doing what his job was for me 00:06:15.69\00:06:17.50 I view that as abandonment. 00:06:17.53\00:06:19.26 But then when my dad was home he was as hot headed Italian, 00:06:19.29\00:06:22.34 he was abusive in his discipline 00:06:22.37\00:06:23.86 and so for me I looked at that 00:06:23.89\00:06:26.12 and I thought if that's my gender identity no, thank you 00:06:26.15\00:06:29.57 and the only are option I had was my mother. 00:06:29.60\00:06:32.48 So I had the three sisters 00:06:32.51\00:06:34.59 there was no other male in the home 00:06:34.62\00:06:36.44 to give me an example of what that look like. 00:06:36.47\00:06:38.60 And so there was this deficit but I did know how to fix it 00:06:38.63\00:06:42.20 and so I reverted back to my mother. 00:06:42.23\00:06:43.80 I start playing with dolls and I believe that 00:06:43.83\00:06:46.21 what happened is my cement became affirmed in the famine. 00:06:46.24\00:06:49.48 And so I didn't know how to change it, 00:06:49.51\00:06:50.89 I don't know how to fix it 00:06:50.92\00:06:52.40 and so then when I went to school 00:06:52.43\00:06:53.69 and the kids started to see that 00:06:53.72\00:06:55.38 you know, how the kids got some issues 00:06:55.41\00:06:56.93 and they started to call me sissy, queer, faggot, 00:06:56.96\00:06:59.99 you know all those terms. 00:07:00.02\00:07:01.45 What that did is that pushed away masculinity even further. 00:07:01.48\00:07:04.18 And what age would you say that was? 00:07:04.26\00:07:06.65 From the earliest I can remember. 00:07:06.68\00:07:07.83 I can't even give you an age. 00:07:07.86\00:07:08.89 And was this an Christian school? 00:07:08.92\00:07:11.10 No, not necessarily. 00:07:11.13\00:07:12.42 No, public school. You went to public schools. 00:07:12.45\00:07:13.93 Right, I didn't go-- I didn't become a Christian 00:07:13.96\00:07:15.78 until I was about 14 but I knew who God wise 00:07:15.81\00:07:19.41 and I believe that God was there. 00:07:19.44\00:07:20.98 I even prayed that God would change me. 00:07:21.01\00:07:22.99 I prayed that the next morning I would wake up as a girl 00:07:23.02\00:07:25.41 and I thought well, that would be the problem fixed. 00:07:25.44\00:07:28.07 But he didn't understand 00:07:28.10\00:07:29.68 how this gender identity was something 00:07:29.71\00:07:32.02 that was broken and how to fix it. 00:07:32.05\00:07:34.30 And so for a little kid I was just going 00:07:34.33\00:07:35.71 through the motions, very frustrated, 00:07:35.74\00:07:38.30 unable to relate to not only my gender 00:07:38.33\00:07:40.81 but knew that I was different. 00:07:40.84\00:07:42.01 So you felt like you should have been a girl? 00:07:42.04\00:07:44.90 Absolutely. 00:07:44.93\00:07:46.45 And I'm just curious 00:07:46.48\00:07:47.86 I'm certainly not an expert in this area 00:07:47.89\00:07:49.71 but I know people say well, some say 00:07:49.74\00:07:51.88 it's your genes some say 00:07:51.91\00:07:53.97 it's what's going on with mom and dad 00:07:54.00\00:07:56.08 and then others say well, you know 00:07:56.11\00:07:57.65 maybe it not might be either one of those 00:07:57.68\00:07:59.38 but as you grow older when you get to be, 00:07:59.41\00:08:01.16 you know, teenager you're exposed 00:08:01.19\00:08:02.82 to more of the influence of Hollywood 00:08:02.85\00:08:04.81 and you just, you check it out. 00:08:04.84\00:08:06.60 So there's various opinions about 00:08:06.63\00:08:09.33 why a person has same-sex attractions. 00:08:09.36\00:08:12.48 In your case as you look back 00:08:12.51\00:08:14.76 do you see it as really a father issue 00:08:14.79\00:08:18.61 that that was that contributed to your feelings for a man 00:08:18.64\00:08:22.82 and wishing that you were girl is that? 00:08:22.85\00:08:25.96 It became so clear to me, actually in my 40s 00:08:25.99\00:08:28.56 after I had come back to the Lord 00:08:28.59\00:08:30.41 and was walking in church culture 00:08:30.44\00:08:33.90 it was all of a sudden that I started to realize that 00:08:33.93\00:08:36.45 that from my earliest thoughts 00:08:36.48\00:08:37.90 I remember now not necessarily being gay, 00:08:37.93\00:08:40.97 not having an attraction to same-sex 00:08:41.00\00:08:43.38 but I-- the feeling that I wanted to be a girl 00:08:43.41\00:08:46.41 that I thought that I should have been a girl 00:08:46.44\00:08:48.09 and if I to had a sex change at an early age 00:08:48.12\00:08:51.06 what they are doing now 14, 15-year-old 00:08:51.09\00:08:53.72 boys are having sex changes into a girl 00:08:53.75\00:08:55.81 and vice versa if that would happen for me 00:08:55.84\00:08:58.20 because what happened is when I came out 00:08:58.23\00:08:59.82 into the gay culture at 19 years old and 20 00:08:59.85\00:09:03.19 all of a sudden all of that gender dysphoria left me. 00:09:03.22\00:09:06.49 I realized that masculinity was more valuable in gay culture 00:09:06.52\00:09:11.00 then they're not and so if I had a sex change 00:09:11.03\00:09:13.31 I can't even imagine how much more complicated 00:09:13.34\00:09:15.51 that would have been for me 00:09:15.54\00:09:16.88 but I do realize that there was this change 00:09:16.91\00:09:20.28 and I didn't know how it came 00:09:20.31\00:09:22.11 but as I ask God to show and to reveal that to me 00:09:22.14\00:09:24.89 I realized that that this was something 00:09:24.92\00:09:27.97 that happened before I was even conscious 00:09:28.00\00:09:30.13 and I wasn't in charge. 00:09:30.16\00:09:31.92 And that was incredible insight that that-- 00:09:31.95\00:09:35.11 Did you-- as you were growing up 00:09:35.14\00:09:37.05 were you reading the Bible or did you go to church, 00:09:37.08\00:09:39.56 did you hear scripture? 00:09:39.59\00:09:41.76 You said that you were praying 00:09:41.79\00:09:43.96 and asking God to change you into girl 00:09:43.99\00:09:46.97 and you thought if He would just do that 00:09:47.00\00:09:48.33 then all my problems will be solved. 00:09:48.36\00:09:50.09 Where did you learn about praying? 00:09:50.12\00:09:52.61 I mean, I look at back in my life 00:09:52.64\00:09:53.98 growing up in the Hollywood Hills 00:09:54.01\00:09:55.79 and I really, I pretty much connected with my mom 00:09:55.82\00:09:58.70 and then definitely connected with my dad 00:09:58.73\00:10:00.36 and when I became a teenager 00:10:00.39\00:10:01.86 I was definitely attracted to girls 00:10:01.89\00:10:03.97 but I was having a hard time controlling that. 00:10:04.00\00:10:07.16 As I got into my teenage years 00:10:07.19\00:10:08.46 because we didn't have the Bible, 00:10:08.49\00:10:09.52 we didn't pray, we didn't, we didn't talk about Jesus 00:10:09.55\00:10:11.78 and also I was pretty much on my own 00:10:11.81\00:10:13.48 to deal with all these emotions and these feelings and desires 00:10:13.51\00:10:16.96 that pretty much got the better of me 00:10:16.99\00:10:18.54 until I was 20. 00:10:18.57\00:10:19.73 Then I read the Bible 00:10:19.76\00:10:20.79 and that's when everything changed. 00:10:20.82\00:10:22.74 So I'm interested to know well, how did the Bible get in, 00:10:22.77\00:10:25.57 I didn't even know how to pray. 00:10:25.60\00:10:26.63 I wouldn't have known to pray when I was 12-years-old. 00:10:26.66\00:10:29.83 Well, I was raised as a Catholic as a young person 00:10:29.86\00:10:32.18 and I went to catechism every weekend 00:10:32.21\00:10:35.60 I really didn't join the Protestant church 00:10:35.63\00:10:37.70 until about 15. 00:10:37.73\00:10:39.19 My father had an affair with a backslidden Christians 00:10:39.22\00:10:43.41 and they got together 00:10:43.44\00:10:44.63 and that's kind of how we got into-- 00:10:44.66\00:10:46.85 how the Protestant message got into our family. 00:10:46.88\00:10:49.54 But I did know God at an early age 00:10:49.57\00:10:51.91 and I saw Him as punitive, arbitrary 00:10:51.94\00:10:55.13 just kind of like I saw my dad. 00:10:55.16\00:10:57.52 Dad wasn't really available to me 00:10:57.55\00:10:59.00 and so the only way that I could relate to a God 00:10:59.03\00:11:01.55 who called himself father was I guess 00:11:01.58\00:11:03.73 He had the same attributes as the father that I had. 00:11:03.76\00:11:06.73 So even though I prayed that he would change my gender 00:11:06.76\00:11:11.55 I still saw him as arbitrary, judgmental the same things 00:11:11.58\00:11:14.88 that I had rejected from my father. 00:11:14.91\00:11:16.65 I saw God that way. 00:11:16.68\00:11:18.37 I always knew the God existed and I believed in Him 00:11:18.40\00:11:21.94 but I basically thought that He didn't care much for me. 00:11:21.97\00:11:24.28 He wasn't very appealing. 00:11:24.31\00:11:26.76 Yes, and He wasn't unavailable to me. 00:11:26.79\00:11:28.32 He is just an authority out there 00:11:28.35\00:11:30.00 that you better do the right thing or else there is no, 00:11:30.03\00:11:32.90 there was no compassion in His heart for you. 00:11:32.93\00:11:34.91 You didn't feel that. No. 00:11:34.94\00:11:36.57 You know, well, another question, 00:11:36.60\00:11:39.54 personally I wish that in this series 00:11:39.57\00:11:42.12 you know we interviewed Wayne 00:11:42.15\00:11:43.77 we are interviewing you, we have Pastor Ron Woolsey 00:11:43.80\00:11:46.79 who'll be coming next sharing his story. 00:11:46.82\00:11:49.07 I wish that we had a lady that it just didn't work out 00:11:49.10\00:11:52.31 but to have her, share her story 00:11:52.34\00:11:54.45 because homosexuality, lesbianism 00:11:54.48\00:11:57.20 I know that women are complicated 00:11:57.23\00:11:58.27 but do you think that 00:11:58.30\00:11:59.33 there's some of the same issues going on with women 00:11:59.36\00:12:02.28 who as they're growing up eventually 00:12:02.31\00:12:04.15 they choose or feel attraction to another woman 00:12:04.18\00:12:09.45 and with men with men you know, 00:12:09.48\00:12:10.76 I would like to just ask you a question. 00:12:10.79\00:12:12.82 Right, I can't really speak specifically 00:12:12.85\00:12:15.55 but I have other friends 00:12:15.58\00:12:16.90 that have come out of the lesbian lifestyle. 00:12:16.93\00:12:18.87 And one story that that impresses me 00:12:18.90\00:12:20.84 in particular is this girl was raised 00:12:20.87\00:12:24.35 not receiving the love from her father 00:12:24.38\00:12:26.51 but the father lavished 00:12:26.54\00:12:27.82 a lot of attention on her older brother 00:12:27.85\00:12:30.13 and so she thought that if she was a better boy 00:12:30.16\00:12:33.41 that her father would love her more. 00:12:33.44\00:12:35.26 And so that started to do this 00:12:35.29\00:12:36.57 gender dysphoria for her as well. 00:12:36.60\00:12:38.50 She started to become, you know, more boy like 00:12:38.53\00:12:41.56 and wearing boys clothes 00:12:41.59\00:12:43.09 and had the same gender dysphoria 00:12:43.12\00:12:44.52 that I had experienced. 00:12:44.55\00:12:45.86 And so you each one of us 00:12:45.89\00:12:47.27 has incredibly different scenarios 00:12:47.30\00:12:50.31 or you know experiences that shaped us 00:12:50.34\00:12:52.77 and yet some other things are very similar as well. 00:12:52.80\00:12:56.29 You know, I also understand that there was a moment 00:12:56.32\00:12:59.35 or an event of major trauma for you 00:12:59.38\00:13:02.83 that contributed to your eventual plunge 00:13:02.86\00:13:08.23 or choice diving in to a gay lifestyle 00:13:08.26\00:13:12.46 and just elaborate on that a little bit 00:13:12.49\00:13:14.03 this traumatic event that you-- 00:13:14.06\00:13:15.87 Okay. Told me that you had. 00:13:15.90\00:13:17.40 Yeah, will the traumatic event was actually 00:13:17.43\00:13:20.08 when I was a junior in high school in a boarding school 00:13:20.11\00:13:23.65 and the roommate that I got-- 00:13:23.68\00:13:26.03 I didn't know anyone at the school 00:13:26.06\00:13:27.18 and so the roommate I got was 00:13:27.21\00:13:28.85 experienced in juvenile detention 00:13:28.88\00:13:30.64 and he was there basically court-ordered 00:13:30.67\00:13:33.19 and he recognized things in me 00:13:33.22\00:13:35.78 I'm sure and you know one night 00:13:35.81\00:13:37.77 the wrestling turned into something more 00:13:37.80\00:13:39.43 and I had my first homosexual experience 00:13:39.46\00:13:42.24 there in this Christian boarding school 00:13:42.27\00:13:44.16 and remember what was so traumatic for me 00:13:44.19\00:13:46.13 Steve, was that when I went to bed that night 00:13:46.16\00:13:48.12 I realize that indeed I was the one thing 00:13:48.15\00:13:50.44 that everyone that accused me of being 00:13:50.47\00:13:52.51 that I gone to bed that night 00:13:52.54\00:13:53.89 and it referring to me that I indeed was gay 00:13:53.92\00:13:57.47 and that God couldn't help me or He didn't help me. 00:13:57.50\00:14:00.40 I remember going to bed and thinking 00:14:00.43\00:14:03.10 that it actually satisfied something in me. 00:14:03.13\00:14:05.95 It actually-- I think what was 00:14:05.98\00:14:07.52 so shocking was that it affirmed to me 00:14:07.55\00:14:09.76 that I indeed was attracted to this. 00:14:09.79\00:14:13.16 And so I remember you know 00:14:13.19\00:14:15.30 going into the next Bible conference 00:14:15.33\00:14:17.99 that they had at the school, 00:14:18.02\00:14:19.05 I gave my heart to the Lord I got a girlfriend, 00:14:19.08\00:14:21.34 I started to do all the right things, 00:14:21.37\00:14:22.93 my roommate got kicked out. 00:14:22.96\00:14:24.44 But even at 17 00:14:24.47\00:14:25.91 I prayed that the Lord would take my life. 00:14:25.94\00:14:27.40 I said, I don't want to live like this 00:14:27.43\00:14:29.34 and I asked Him take my life right, 00:14:29.37\00:14:31.47 if that was as close as we were gonna get. 00:14:31.50\00:14:32.62 So it was a conflict and you recognize 00:14:32.65\00:14:34.62 that you part of you liked it 00:14:34.65\00:14:37.39 but another part of you said I don't want this. 00:14:37.42\00:14:38.92 Right, right. 00:14:38.95\00:14:39.98 Lord, take it out of me 00:14:40.01\00:14:41.07 and you still had desires to follow Jesus. 00:14:41.10\00:14:44.34 Right, but I was still addicted to, 00:14:44.37\00:14:47.61 to masturbation and fantasy 00:14:47.64\00:14:49.43 and that had happened at 13 years of age. 00:14:49.46\00:14:52.05 And so because it not only was that same-sex attracted 00:14:52.08\00:14:55.42 but I believed that I wasn't, 00:14:55.45\00:14:58.56 I believe that that actually was something 00:14:58.59\00:15:01.17 that was keeping God from being able to help me even more 00:15:01.20\00:15:03.52 because the process wasn't about becoming straight 00:15:03.55\00:15:06.88 I was praying for the wrong thing. 00:15:06.91\00:15:08.10 What I wanted, what I needed 00:15:08.13\00:15:10.84 I believe was that I needed to understand 00:15:10.87\00:15:12.72 and to be affirmed by masculinity. 00:15:12.75\00:15:15.09 I needed to know what masculine affirmation was 00:15:15.12\00:15:18.80 and gender identity was that wasn't sexualized. 00:15:18.83\00:15:21.71 And so by the time I was 20-years-old 00:15:21.74\00:15:23.48 I went out into the gay lifestyle, 00:15:23.51\00:15:25.23 I was so desperate to have this affirmation this, 00:15:25.26\00:15:31.12 this intimacy with the man whether it was sexualize or not 00:15:31.15\00:15:34.46 I was definitely seeking it. 00:15:34.49\00:15:36.06 And Proverbs 27:7 it talks about to somebody 00:15:36.09\00:15:38.68 that just had a full meal that you don't need dessert 00:15:38.71\00:15:41.44 but to somebody who's starving 00:15:41.47\00:15:43.28 even something bitter will taste sweet 00:15:43.31\00:15:44.79 and so that was the driving force for me. 00:15:44.82\00:15:46.82 I had this demand to be filled by masculine love 00:15:46.85\00:15:49.70 because I didn't know how to get it in a legitimate way 00:15:49.73\00:15:52.33 I ended up going into the gay bars 00:15:52.36\00:15:53.97 and my first experience with the first boyfriend 00:15:54.00\00:15:57.35 that I had was actually that I was raped 00:15:57.38\00:16:00.08 and I didn't even realize that into my 40s 00:16:00.11\00:16:02.87 after coming out of all this realizing 00:16:02.90\00:16:04.69 that I was so desperate for any time 00:16:04.72\00:16:06.86 or attention that this person gave me 00:16:06.89\00:16:08.67 that I actually was willing to be submitted 00:16:08.70\00:16:10.67 to this rape several times 00:16:10.70\00:16:14.18 and I didn't even realize the connection 00:16:14.21\00:16:15.83 until after coming out of it 00:16:15.86\00:16:17.42 that regardless of this drive that had within me it still, 00:16:17.45\00:16:23.25 it still turned out to be this rape. 00:16:23.28\00:16:25.07 So how many years would you say you openly lived that life. 00:16:25.10\00:16:29.27 Twenty years. Twenty years. 00:16:29.30\00:16:30.88 And as we got near the end to the 20 years 00:16:30.91\00:16:34.40 what happened to end those 20 years 00:16:34.43\00:16:36.35 and begin a new period in your life? 00:16:36.38\00:16:37.98 Right, I was hoping to have a monogamous relationship. 00:16:38.01\00:16:41.21 I thought that that if I could have 00:16:41.24\00:16:42.64 a monogamous relationship 00:16:42.67\00:16:43.85 that God would bless it and that that would be the best 00:16:43.88\00:16:46.20 that I could do because-- 00:16:46.23\00:16:47.26 With a man or a woman? Yes, with a man. 00:16:47.29\00:16:49.21 Okay, you wanted a monogamous relationship with a man. 00:16:49.24\00:16:52.11 And so the first relationship that I was in it was a guy 00:16:52.14\00:16:55.21 that was about nine years older than me 00:16:55.24\00:16:56.92 and he introduced me to all kinds of sexual behaviors 00:16:56.95\00:17:01.12 and eventually within-- I'd say within two years 00:17:01.15\00:17:04.70 I become a sexual addict. 00:17:04.73\00:17:05.86 Acting out sexually in the five relationships 00:17:05.89\00:17:08.43 that I was in, in the 20 years I was never faithful 00:17:08.46\00:17:11.18 and what was this driving force 00:17:11.21\00:17:14.53 all I really wanted to be was affirm by a man 00:17:14.56\00:17:17.27 but what happen is it got twisted somehow 00:17:17.30\00:17:20.44 and the enemy was able to use that 00:17:20.47\00:17:22.50 and to create this addiction that 00:17:22.53\00:17:25.34 that I was never able to brake, 00:17:25.37\00:17:26.70 never able to be monogamous 00:17:26.73\00:17:28.73 in of the relationship I was in-- 00:17:28.76\00:17:30.16 So what changed what, what change that? 00:17:30.19\00:17:32.92 Well, a lot. So anyway-- 00:17:32.95\00:17:34.95 One short version. Right, right, right. 00:17:34.98\00:17:36.52 So anyway the night before I got baptized 00:17:36.55\00:17:38.91 I made my stand for the Lord. 00:17:38.94\00:17:39.97 Now how you decide to get that done? 00:17:40.00\00:17:41.27 Oh, it's a long time. 00:17:41.30\00:17:43.60 My sister had got remarried to her ex-husband. 00:17:43.63\00:17:46.74 I saw the Holy Spirit in him I came back to Florida, 00:17:46.77\00:17:49.84 my other sister invited me to an evangelistic series 00:17:49.87\00:17:52.87 and I didn't realize about my sisters had been praying 00:17:52.90\00:17:55.47 and to anyone who-- who is praying 00:17:55.50\00:17:58.25 for their loved ones or whatever 00:17:58.28\00:17:59.48 I just want to really encourage them 00:17:59.51\00:18:00.92 that intercessory prayer it works 00:18:00.95\00:18:02.90 because it pulled me out. 00:18:02.93\00:18:04.19 So anyway I was in a relationship 00:18:04.22\00:18:05.94 with this millionaire good-looking guy 00:18:05.97\00:18:09.14 that had big blue eyes and a convertible Mercedes 00:18:09.17\00:18:11.59 and I mean, I was at the top of my game 00:18:11.62\00:18:13.41 and what happened is 00:18:13.44\00:18:15.00 my sister invited me to an evangelistic series 00:18:15.03\00:18:17.48 and I don't know why but I went. 00:18:17.51\00:18:19.55 And so on the last night of the evangelistic series 00:18:19.58\00:18:21.91 I made a stand to be baptized 00:18:21.94\00:18:24.06 and my sister asked me outside in the parking lot 00:18:24.09\00:18:26.17 what I was going to do about my boyfriend. 00:18:26.20\00:18:28.19 Man, I looked to her and I said I'm gay. 00:18:28.22\00:18:29.81 I was born this way, I tried to change, 00:18:29.84\00:18:31.83 I asked God to change me that never happened. 00:18:31.86\00:18:33.86 I said, all I know is that Jesus loves me for who I am. 00:18:33.89\00:18:37.93 I said and that's why I'm getting baptized. 00:18:37.96\00:18:39.95 And my sister stop and the next day 00:18:39.98\00:18:41.88 I was baptized with the sexual addiction 00:18:41.91\00:18:43.53 and a boyfriend 00:18:43.56\00:18:45.02 but I began this journey with Jesus Christ 00:18:45.05\00:18:47.25 and even in my ignorance and even in everything 00:18:47.28\00:18:50.39 that happened to me 00:18:50.42\00:18:52.44 it's like the Lord was very slowly revealing to me 00:18:52.47\00:18:55.51 the different things that had defiled me, 00:18:55.54\00:18:57.24 the different ways 00:18:57.27\00:18:58.55 that the enemy had put knots in my ropes 00:18:58.58\00:19:01.48 and very slowly the Lord was able to unravel those knots 00:19:01.51\00:19:04.89 and it took, it took time. 00:19:04.92\00:19:06.15 There was no, you know, bing, magic wand over my head 00:19:06.18\00:19:09.24 and I was straight and ready the date, mate 00:19:09.27\00:19:11.77 and all that kind of stuff so process. 00:19:11.80\00:19:13.91 It wasn't an instant cure? 00:19:13.94\00:19:14.97 No and you know Steve, I really struggle 00:19:15.00\00:19:16.82 because I thought that I was doing 00:19:16.85\00:19:19.07 something wrong again thinking 00:19:19.10\00:19:21.43 that I had to be perfect with that, I had to be good. 00:19:21.46\00:19:24.14 I didn't recognize there was Christ goodness in me 00:19:24.17\00:19:27.47 that gave me victory and that took a long time. 00:19:27.50\00:19:30.52 Yeah, I've read recently that the Christian life is not, 00:19:30.55\00:19:33.86 it's not an elevator where you get in 00:19:33.89\00:19:35.58 and you go to the top floor. 00:19:35.61\00:19:37.21 It's a stair, stairway. So you go step-by-step. 00:19:37.24\00:19:40.20 God takes you where you are and even though 00:19:40.23\00:19:42.75 we're all messed up in lots of ways all of us 00:19:42.78\00:19:45.63 God works with us step-by-step 00:19:45.66\00:19:47.55 and He changes as maybe not as fast 00:19:47.58\00:19:50.35 as we would like to be changed 00:19:50.38\00:19:51.54 but if we stick with it and keep trusting Him 00:19:51.57\00:19:54.91 and keep following the Bible and choosing that we want 00:19:54.94\00:19:57.54 Jesus more than some of our own desires 00:19:57.57\00:20:01.45 which may not be right. 00:20:01.48\00:20:02.51 Right so Steve, where was that information? 00:20:02.54\00:20:05.22 I could have used that because I thought 00:20:05.25\00:20:06.87 that I needed to get baptized again 00:20:06.90\00:20:08.69 or maybe I needed to get anointed again 00:20:08.72\00:20:10.70 because I was looking for this instant change. 00:20:10.73\00:20:12.94 I didn't realize that this was a process 00:20:12.97\00:20:15.32 because God knew that it was going to take time 00:20:15.35\00:20:17.64 to change my understanding about Him and about the Father 00:20:17.67\00:20:20.80 and so He couldn't give it to me all at once 00:20:20.83\00:20:22.74 because I couldn't handle that. 00:20:22.77\00:20:24.16 So He gave it to me as I could handle it. 00:20:24.19\00:20:25.22 Step-by-step. 00:20:25.25\00:20:26.28 That's right, and it was always my decision. 00:20:26.31\00:20:28.97 You know, a lot of people, you know, in other ministries 00:20:29.00\00:20:32.11 or whatever look at my colleagues 00:20:32.14\00:20:34.07 and I and they say that we're still gay. 00:20:34.10\00:20:36.08 And you know that's not the case 00:20:36.11\00:20:37.35 because this has always been my decision 00:20:37.38\00:20:39.86 God never forced me to choose. 00:20:39.89\00:20:41.86 You know what it be easier to just stay 00:20:41.89\00:20:43.72 at the way that I was but what was so incredible 00:20:43.75\00:20:46.00 as I walked with God He only gave me 00:20:46.03\00:20:48.18 what I could handle and at my decision 00:20:48.21\00:20:51.62 it was always my choice to continue or to not 00:20:51.65\00:20:54.86 and what's incredible 00:20:54.89\00:20:55.92 Jesus always respected my right to choose. 00:20:55.95\00:20:58.17 And so today, now you went 20 years 00:20:58.20\00:21:02.39 you grew up and went 20 years 00:21:02.42\00:21:04.06 and then it's been how long since you came out? 00:21:04.09\00:21:07.46 Thirteen. Thirteen years? 00:21:07.49\00:21:09.49 So and now today God has continued to change you, 00:21:09.52\00:21:13.19 He is doing wonderful things in your life 00:21:13.22\00:21:15.29 and you are now part of Coming Out Ministries. 00:21:15.32\00:21:17.49 Just tell us in a nutshell what is Coming Out Ministries, 00:21:17.52\00:21:21.04 you know, from your perspective, 00:21:21.07\00:21:22.10 your heart, what's your burden, 00:21:22.13\00:21:23.74 what's your message, what are you doing now? 00:21:23.77\00:21:26.16 And give us just a quick recap. 00:21:26.19\00:21:30.38 So when we started this ministry 00:21:30.41\00:21:33.59 and the Lord started moving me 00:21:33.62\00:21:35.00 just by invitations to come and speak just about 00:21:35.03\00:21:37.78 my history of coming out of the homosexual lifestyle 00:21:37.81\00:21:40.14 what I realize now is that homosexuality is no different 00:21:40.17\00:21:44.33 according to the Bible then than any other sexual sin. 00:21:44.36\00:21:47.60 And what we've done in Christian societies 00:21:47.63\00:21:49.67 we taken homosexuality out 00:21:49.70\00:21:51.84 and we've made it this entity of its own. 00:21:51.87\00:21:54.46 But basically from what I understand in the Bible 00:21:54.49\00:21:56.44 and the responses that I get when I speak 00:21:56.47\00:21:58.70 is that homosexuality is no different 00:21:58.73\00:22:00.88 and it ends up back in the lump with all the other sexual sin 00:22:00.91\00:22:04.18 and that God has to have the answer for that. 00:22:04.21\00:22:06.21 Because my struggle was not only 00:22:06.24\00:22:08.18 for just homosexual feelings and identity 00:22:08.21\00:22:11.78 but it was also over sexual sin the pornography 00:22:11.81\00:22:14.49 and the addiction the sexual addiction. 00:22:14.52\00:22:17.01 Whenever I speak I speak to pastors, 00:22:17.04\00:22:19.18 I speak to young men, young women, 00:22:19.21\00:22:21.86 older men, older women, 00:22:21.89\00:22:23.07 singles ministries, men's ministries, 00:22:23.10\00:22:25.05 academies and universities 00:22:25.08\00:22:26.59 and what I find is the same issue 00:22:26.62\00:22:28.31 that I had is the same issue 00:22:28.34\00:22:30.02 that many young men and women of any age have 00:22:30.05\00:22:33.32 is the struggle with sexual sin and what a find 00:22:33.35\00:22:36.00 is that the answer is still the same. 00:22:36.03\00:22:38.08 And so it isn't specific to one area or another, 00:22:38.11\00:22:42.04 what I find is that 00:22:42.07\00:22:43.22 this ministry really speaks to all of us. 00:22:43.25\00:22:45.81 You know, are you really different today 00:22:45.84\00:22:50.39 than what you were 30 years ago? 00:22:50.42\00:22:53.51 Absolutely. 00:22:53.54\00:22:54.58 You are not the same man? No, no. 00:22:54.61\00:22:56.52 You are genuinely changed. Right, right. 00:22:56.55\00:22:58.68 Now you are probably not done, 00:22:58.71\00:22:59.81 you know, I heard somebody once say that 00:22:59.84\00:23:01.47 God doesn't take a side to the oven half-baked. 00:23:01.50\00:23:04.07 He has a lot of work to do with us 00:23:04.10\00:23:05.77 and He is working with me and He is working with you 00:23:05.80\00:23:07.51 but you know in your own mind and in your heart 00:23:07.54\00:23:11.37 that you made a lot of progress. 00:23:11.40\00:23:13.54 Steve, the hardest thing has been this, 00:23:13.57\00:23:16.35 this constant surrender. 00:23:16.38\00:23:18.15 I have to surrender myself every day. 00:23:18.18\00:23:20.57 I don't have the luxury of surrendering myself 00:23:20.60\00:23:22.65 once in the morning 00:23:22.68\00:23:23.71 and being good for the rest the day. 00:23:23.74\00:23:25.17 I have to surrender myself constantly 00:23:25.20\00:23:27.23 throughout the day to my thoughts, my feelings 00:23:27.26\00:23:30.44 and Philippians 2:5 is for me. 00:23:30.47\00:23:33.36 You can hang most of my home ministry on that verse alone. 00:23:33.39\00:23:36.19 With does it say? 00:23:36.22\00:23:37.51 It says "Let this mind be in you, 00:23:37.54\00:23:40.35 which was in Christ Jesus." 00:23:40.38\00:23:41.95 And to me that's invitational. 00:23:41.98\00:23:43.36 It's saying give me permission to let my mind inside Your mind 00:23:43.39\00:23:47.79 and so whether that has to do with thoughts of masturbation 00:23:47.82\00:23:51.06 or pornography or even same-sex attraction. 00:23:51.09\00:23:54.66 What happens is if I give God permission 00:23:54.69\00:23:56.74 and that's what I've been practicing is I will say 00:23:56.77\00:23:58.87 Lord, I'm giving You permission to take these thoughts 00:23:58.90\00:24:01.56 because if You don't take these thoughts 00:24:01.59\00:24:02.99 I know that they're gonna take me to place 00:24:03.02\00:24:05.00 that You say I shouldn't go. 00:24:05.03\00:24:06.90 And so when I give Him permission-- 00:24:06.93\00:24:08.82 one time that had happened 00:24:08.85\00:24:10.21 I was stepping into the shower and the thought to, 00:24:10.24\00:24:12.88 you know, to indulge in sin came 00:24:12.91\00:24:14.48 and just then the Holy Spirit spoken said, 00:24:14.51\00:24:16.49 why don't you claim that promise? 00:24:16.52\00:24:17.75 And I said, I'm giving You permission 00:24:17.78\00:24:19.44 Lord, to take these thoughts because if You don't 00:24:19.47\00:24:21.46 I'm gonna indulgence in sin, right. 00:24:21.49\00:24:23.52 And what was on incredible is my next thought 00:24:23.55\00:24:25.72 was about baseball and I hate baseball. 00:24:25.75\00:24:28.70 What was so incredible 00:24:28.73\00:24:29.81 is that God took me immediately where I was, 00:24:29.84\00:24:32.49 He gave me victory immediately. 00:24:32.52\00:24:34.27 I didn't have to step out of the shower 00:24:34.30\00:24:36.05 and fast for five days and look up, 00:24:36.08\00:24:38.55 you know, scriptures for an hour 00:24:38.58\00:24:40.09 to get the relief that I was seeking. 00:24:40.12\00:24:42.01 He was an immediate God on to Him 00:24:42.04\00:24:44.00 who is able to keep you from falling right. 00:24:44.03\00:24:46.08 The present help in time of trouble. 00:24:46.11\00:24:48.06 So Mike, are you happier now today than you were 00:24:48.09\00:24:53.04 when you lived an openly gay lifestyle. 00:24:53.07\00:24:56.29 Well, it almost seems it doesn't seem 00:24:56.32\00:25:00.06 even genuine to just say, yes. 00:25:00.09\00:25:01.85 Its Steve, infinitely better 00:25:01.88\00:25:03.99 is my life now than it's ever been before 00:25:04.02\00:25:06.72 and even though I'm under incredible scrutiny 00:25:06.75\00:25:09.66 and criticism I can still tell you that 00:25:09.69\00:25:12.38 I would rather be in the arms of Jesus now 00:25:12.41\00:25:14.86 than the arms of the gay lifestyle. 00:25:14.89\00:25:16.98 Well, when Wayne was here 00:25:17.01\00:25:18.38 and we were discussing his story 00:25:18.41\00:25:19.90 I could hear you in the background 00:25:19.93\00:25:21.67 before we were on that camera with Wayne 00:25:21.70\00:25:24.42 I could hear you singing and humming your, 00:25:24.45\00:25:26.41 you know, Christian songs like 00:25:26.44\00:25:27.66 my little boy he his nine-years-old 00:25:27.69\00:25:29.44 and I heard him just singing about 00:25:29.47\00:25:31.50 Jesus around the house the other day 00:25:31.53\00:25:32.56 and through it my heart like 00:25:32.59\00:25:33.80 I heard the same thing from you. 00:25:33.83\00:25:35.31 So it just shows me that you are genuinely 00:25:35.34\00:25:38.36 happy with your life and happy to be here, 00:25:38.39\00:25:41.86 happy to share story 00:25:41.89\00:25:43.69 and that this is very real to you 00:25:43.72\00:25:45.11 and that God is real to you and is that you know, 00:25:45.14\00:25:47.34 if you put it in nutshell your message now 00:25:47.37\00:25:49.71 is you're out there in colleges, 00:25:49.74\00:25:51.94 universities, academies, 00:25:51.97\00:25:53.46 young people, older people, 00:25:53.49\00:25:55.06 with pastors sharing your story. 00:25:55.09\00:25:56.99 What in a nutshell would you say your message is? 00:25:57.02\00:26:01.80 The message really is about getting to know God. 00:26:01.83\00:26:04.72 It's invitational. 00:26:04.75\00:26:06.35 He is wanting us to know Him on such an intimate level 00:26:06.38\00:26:08.72 and you know what, when I started to see Him 00:26:08.75\00:26:11.21 on an intimate level then it started to give me 00:26:11.24\00:26:14.80 the desire to want to let go the things that define myself. 00:26:14.83\00:26:18.94 And as I saw Him more and more what happened is 00:26:18.97\00:26:22.11 things started to fall off no matter where I went 00:26:22.14\00:26:24.81 and I started to see the victorious life 00:26:24.84\00:26:26.51 that I could have been Him and I thought 00:26:26.54\00:26:28.55 that it came at a huge sacrifice 00:26:28.58\00:26:29.91 to give up the things that I love 00:26:29.94\00:26:31.83 but really when I started to let those go the things 00:26:31.86\00:26:34.08 that I received Steve, they were more powerful 00:26:34.11\00:26:36.91 and better and stronger than I had ever experienced before. 00:26:36.94\00:26:39.59 So God is not just a the father figure 00:26:39.62\00:26:42.19 you used to think of Him as being 00:26:42.22\00:26:43.85 but now he is God of love who has changed your life. 00:26:43.88\00:26:46.83 Well we're winding down here with program two, 00:26:46.86\00:26:49.46 we got another testimonial. 00:26:49.49\00:26:51.64 Pastor Ron Woolsey will be next. 00:26:51.67\00:26:54.32 I can't help but go back to this verse 00:26:54.35\00:26:56.02 so I want to go back to the verse in 1 Peter 2:9 00:26:56.05\00:26:59.88 that talks about God who has called you, 00:26:59.91\00:27:02.87 He's called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light. 00:27:02.90\00:27:08.11 I got Mike story. 00:27:08.14\00:27:09.85 Mike has his story, Wayne has his story, 00:27:09.88\00:27:12.44 Pastor Ron has his story. 00:27:12.47\00:27:13.64 There are many others stories that we can share that we know 00:27:13.67\00:27:17.54 and other people can share about how God is good 00:27:17.57\00:27:21.44 and that His light is marbles. 00:27:21.47\00:27:24.01 He can change our lives, He can heal us, 00:27:24.04\00:27:26.39 He can forgive us and give us 00:27:26.42\00:27:28.35 peace and power to live for Him. 00:27:28.38\00:27:31.13 So don't go away 00:27:31.16\00:27:32.19 we've got another program part three of Coming Out. 00:27:32.22\00:27:35.69 So join us again. 00:27:35.72\00:27:38.67 If you'd like to order the 13-part 00:27:38.70\00:27:40.52 Coming Out stories for $34.95 plus shipping 00:27:40.55\00:27:43.70 call 1-800-782-4253 00:27:43.73\00:27:46.77 or write to White Horse Media, 00:27:46.80\00:27:48.14 PO Box 1139, New Port, Washington 99156. 00:27:48.17\00:27:52.61 Pastor Ron Woolsey, Wayne Blakely 00:27:52.64\00:27:54.36 and Mike Carducci are each available 00:27:54.39\00:27:56.01 to conduct a seminar in your area. 00:27:56.04\00:27:58.37 To schedule a speaking engagement 00:27:58.40\00:27:59.88 contact Coming Out Ministries by calling 360-936-8514 00:27:59.91\00:28:05.15 or visit comingoutministries.org. 00:28:05.18\00:28:07.76