Welcome back, so Brad is saying
that I can't forget the fact
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that we are going to talk
about some of my issues now.
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I tried to end the show, I tried
to say isn't this show a little
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bit long today? But Brad,
what is interesting to me is
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that as you even talk about
that there is a lot of us like
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we will want our spouse
to work on their stuff but
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we can't unless we both,
especially if you are married,
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unless you're both going
to work on your issues because
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we play off of
each other so much.
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Exactly I'm going to speak
to the men right now and I will
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look into the camera to
do it, speaking to the men.
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Someone has got to blink,
it is one of those things like
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oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
and you know it's okay come on
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someone has got to blink.
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And again God expects the
man to blink, I really believe
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that to be the case and
you do it from a position of
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strength and compassion
and caring and suddenly the
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woman's heart will soften
as well as your heart softens.
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What's amazing to me
because you do that a lot now,
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I could be dead wrong about
something, just acting like
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a fool and you will just
say I love you, did I hurt your
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feelings, what did
you just hear me say?
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So that's the blinking and
it's not about who's right or
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wrong, it's whoever actually
sees it and can step into
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that, and what
an incredible thing.
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As you do that I just want
to love you, I just want to
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say you know what?
I'm so lucky to have you.
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I'm not just trying to
butter you up, but it could be.
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But there is that kind of
response that just says wow.
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And I thank you for that,
so now we are talking about
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that you are dealing
with your anger and I am this
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neglected kid, my pain has
got me incredibly self focused
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because my needs aren't met.
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When your anger hits, I close
down because I don't trust.
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It was a complete
and total catch 22.
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Your reaction to
expectations was to run away and
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knowing what I do about your
family history, you were told
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to be quiet and shut up
and all those kinds of things.
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I was hitting every hot
button you had it - exactly.
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Your thing to be to be
totally independent and defiant.
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It is interesting to discover
that you and I have some
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similarities in
terms of our issues.
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The defiant, rebellious
side we both have a fair dose of
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that, but look then where
I had the judgmental stuff,
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you have the
self focused things.
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Where I had some intellectual,
you were neglected.
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I just went and read a
few of the things for somebody
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that has been neglected
and what kind of things.
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They are afraid to
let others loved them.
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So even though we are
crying out and demanding to be
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loved, we are afraid of that.
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We cannot trust others, we
cannot relax in relationships.
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We don't feel comfortable
with somebody touching or moving
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in too close, even though
were screaming to come closer.
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We tend to be depressed and
we have rejection issues and
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all that stuff, we struggle
with bitterness because I'm
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going to be more and more
bitter if I don't think Brad
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understands or is angry, I came
into the relationship with that.
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So somebody with neglect we
have all this underlying and
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may not even know how much
we have until we start to heal.
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We are attracted to others
who also have damage like us
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because we
understand that damage.
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So to me when you talk
about the anger, the anger set
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off all of my stuff.
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I'm hypersensitive, I'm
self focused and all that stuff.
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You're just saying, just
step up and get the job done.
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10 years or 12 years into
our marriage, when day I looked
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at you and said some day you
are going to let me love you.
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I couldn't
understand what you are saying.
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You didn't get it, and
your thing was, I'm still here,
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I haven't left and
you haven't left so isn't
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this what that's about?
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It was one of those things
and what is funny now from my
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perspective is to say yes
baby you're going to let me
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love you, someday I will
figure out how to love you.
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- how to do it. - how to do it
and it will be good for us both.
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What I love about God, I
absolutely love this about God,
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is that God knew that through
out our whole relationship
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how damaged each of us
were and knowing that as soon as
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you ask, as soon as you
honestly say what about me?
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What is it about
me that can change?
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It's not about Brad,
because I said that for years.
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You have to change
this guy because I can't.
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I said that for years, and
as soon as I said what about me
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then God said we have
something to work with now.
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And as soon as we both said
what about us, how are we going
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to meet on the same page? I
watched healing happen in such
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a cool way. - it's has
amazing, it's been amazing and
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this is something I
think is interesting.
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We got this in our devotions
awhile ago when we were
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doing this, if you are in
that situation where maybe it
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is okay I am trying to
look at me but what about the
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other person and stuff?
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You can't make me change,
and I can't make you change.
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But God can, so you if you
are in a situation where you
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are working on your stuff,
or even if you're not, well
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your deal is to pray
for the other person.
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- really bring it to
God. - pray heartfelt that God
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touched them in a
way that God wants.
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Not that I pray that Little
Susie stop doing that, it's
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not like that, that's
not the kind of prayer.
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You asked for God to intercede
in their life because the
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Holy Spirit does have the
power to soften someone's heart.
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What is really fun, seriously,
when you do that to me,
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when all of a sudden I'll
be in the middle of something
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where I have misunderstood
him or took something wrong,
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he said you know what? Can
I just care for you right now?
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It really messes up my
anger, or my depression.
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It really messes things up
because I look at him and if
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he is serious and he is
looking at me in love saying
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I want to care for you, I'm out.
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Because that is what we all
want, we want somebody to see
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and care for us right now.
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What has been really fun
is to get that tool, and all
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that tool is saying is
that I'm going to learn to love
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the people around me and
if there is anything that gets
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in my way I'm going to ask
the Holy Spirit to remove it.
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Take this from
me, I'm done with it.
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That's the thing I think
is so missed, I'm not going to
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say in all relationships,
but it gets missed is the
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dynamic that God really
wants between a man and a woman
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and what does it mean
to be a man and woman?
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How do you relate to each other?
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And when you both start to get
it to where you respect me and
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I am actually
taking care of your heart.
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Everybody wins, everybody
wins and then that generational
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thing - even your kids
want to hang out with you more.
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Your friends want
to come over more.
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It's a matter of just saying
when you see somebody healthy
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and happy and genuine about
who they are in their stuff.
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When they look at you, you
know that they care about you,
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you want to be
there, you want to be there.
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I think for me that's recovery,
that's actually the gospel.
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It's not that I'm going to
learn something and be able to
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recite it, actually it's
going to be a part of who I am.
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I'm going to be free of what
has trashed me and I'm going
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to be able to receive
what is going to give me life.
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God has to give me life. -
exactly and when you put that
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into the marriage situation,
you get a level of intimacy,
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understanding that when
you talk about heaven on earth
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that is the whole idea I think.
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And Brad is ridiculous
now, I'm telling you just
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ridiculous, he gets his
hair done, and he's getting his
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hair cut and he comes back
and he says oh, the hairdresser
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her husband is an alcoholic
and cheating on her and they
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just left, I had
to pray with her.
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I'm thinking, the hairdresser?
I mean his heart is so
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open before them,
because he was so locked down
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emotionally before that he
wouldn't have seen her pain.
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If you know what I mean, and
I don't think you would have.
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You wouldn't have seen her
pain, and not only would he not
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have seen her pain is that
he would have been very matter
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of fact about
the response to it.
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I don't she would have been
open to tell you the emotional
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details of it, but now you
make sure she is working there
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so you can comfort her just
case something else as happened.
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It's been an
interesting adventure.
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I should probably
be worried about that.
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I'm kidding, just
kidding and I love you.
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To me I think that is the part
that the concept of fellowship
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and a part of the command
from Jesus is to go out and
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fellowship with your brothers
and what does that mean?
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- love one another - love
one another and fellowship.
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Does that mean we always
get together and have a meal?
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It could be because eating
is cool but if you see a need
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from someone, whether you
know them or not is can you
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respond to that
need in some capacity?
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Funny story, a silly one,
I was pulling into Wal-Mart
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where we live in Idaho and
there were two guys trying to
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take a picture of each
other in front of Wal-Mart.
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One of them was in a wheelchair
and one of them wasn't.
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There was a situation
going on and I thought how funny
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take your portrait in front
of Wal-Mart, what was special
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about that? Everything was
like man you need to park and
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pull up and asked to
take their picture together,
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they were thrilled to death.
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I thought how many of hundreds
of people walking in and
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out of here, it wasn't hard
to figure out that this would
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be a cool thing for them
and I felt so honored that God's
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Spirit had directed me to
park my car and of course I got
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one of my primo parking
places right there which God
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always gives me an to take
their picture I was so honored
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to be able to do that
and you should have seen the
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smiles on their faces.
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Once you unload, and I
think this whole season is about
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that Brad, I know in
our life it's about that.
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Once you start getting out
from underneath all your damage
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that you are freed up to
love the people around you,
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including total strangers
in front of Wal-Mart taking
00:10:04.29\00:10:08.62
pictures Brad has another thing
he delights in this, to me I
00:10:08.66\00:10:12.95
don't think I would have
ever even thought about it.
00:10:12.98\00:10:15.90
But you know sometimes
how your headlights get, your
00:10:15.94\00:10:21.19
headlight covers get
this cloudiness to them?
00:10:21.23\00:10:23.61
The light doesn't come through
as much, it doesn't shoot
00:10:23.65\00:10:26.51
down the road as much,
well Brad found this stuff that
00:10:26.54\00:10:29.37
magically clears that up.
00:10:29.41\00:10:31.27
So if he see something in the
parking lot, if he sees a car
00:10:31.31\00:10:34.23
that's got those clouded head
lights, and nobody has to be
00:10:34.26\00:10:37.11
in the car, he gets this
stuff out and goes and fixes
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it for them and puts
it away and goes shopping.
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The person doesn't
even know what happened.
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Sometimes I think somebody's
going to walk out and catch him.
00:10:44.67\00:10:48.79
But I think as you come
out from underneath that
00:10:48.82\00:10:53.08
judgmental, defiant,
angry stuff, and it's not like
00:10:53.11\00:10:57.29
you were horrible, I love you,
well sometimes you were horrible
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It is as you come out from
underneath all that I think
00:11:03.50\00:11:07.73
what God knows about you is
you have such a great heart.
00:11:07.77\00:11:11.96
So what He is
saying I want to fix that.
00:11:12.00\00:11:14.00
With my self-focus my fear and
my neglect and I don't really
00:11:14.04\00:11:19.89
know how to trust people
as I'm coming out from that
00:11:19.92\00:11:22.79
and God is healing me in
that area, I am pulling people
00:11:22.82\00:11:25.66
into my life in such a cool way.
00:11:25.69\00:11:27.66
Our relationship is growing
leaps and bounds and the goal
00:11:27.69\00:11:31.65
in recovery is to
really be able to step back
00:11:31.68\00:11:35.99
into your life and
enjoy it, really enjoy it and
00:11:36.03\00:11:40.30
to be able to bless people.
00:11:40.33\00:11:41.73
They did a study and I've
mentioned this study before,
00:11:41.76\00:11:44.60
through
denominational lines in the US.
00:11:44.63\00:11:46.91
The study was, what's
the number one problem in the
00:11:46.94\00:11:50.72
Christian church right now?
Throughout all denominations.
00:11:50.76\00:11:54.54
They found out that the number
one problem throughout all
00:11:54.58\00:11:57.96
denominations in the Christian
churches is loneliness.
00:11:57.99\00:12:03.74
And Jesus said, love one
another and yet we are lonely,
00:12:03.77\00:12:09.48
even if we are in a crowd,
00:12:09.51\00:12:10.83
a lot of us are lonely and
because we are so locked up
00:12:10.86\00:12:13.41
with all these different
issues that we don't know
00:12:13.45\00:12:15.96
how to love one another.
00:12:16.00\00:12:17.50
So I think in our recovery
what God is saying is let Me
00:12:17.54\00:12:21.42
unlock your heart, not so
you can stargaze at your own
00:12:21.45\00:12:25.16
heart, but so you can reach
out to the heart of the people
00:12:25.20\00:12:28.87
around you. - and let the
light shine out to me that
00:12:28.91\00:12:31.19
was real
interesting the concept.
00:12:31.23\00:12:35.36
I almost was a crisis point
this summer with you and I and
00:12:35.40\00:12:37.51
the message I got basically
saying to me is that I know
00:12:37.55\00:12:39.63
we've been together
this long but I'm lonely.
00:12:39.66\00:12:41.20
You are not caring
for that part of me.
00:12:41.23\00:12:45.30
And what's crazy is that after
22 years together, and with
00:12:45.34\00:12:48.72
the willingness of both of
us to take a look at all this
00:12:48.76\00:12:52.16
stuff is that I truly believe
we love each other more now
00:12:52.20\00:12:55.57
than we ever have and
that the best is ahead.
00:12:55.60\00:12:58.66
That is just a crazy place
to be is after 20 years we're
00:12:58.69\00:13:02.35
just getting started, figuring
it out in on a honeymoon
00:13:02.39\00:13:06.01
again, and just
starting to figure all that out.
00:13:06.04\00:13:08.92
Then you start, in my mind,
you're starting to be really
00:13:08.96\00:13:13.08
clear and God says you
seen the light and walk in the
00:13:13.12\00:13:15.93
light, but if you are
stumbling around in darkness
00:13:15.97\00:13:18.74
you are lying to yourself.
00:13:18.78\00:13:20.58
When we get this and really
start to unlock our hearts
00:13:20.61\00:13:23.38
where we just care
about the people around us.
00:13:23.41\00:13:25.72
It doesn't matter if we have
ever single person you see Hey
00:13:25.76\00:13:28.68
come stay at my house,
that's not what that means but
00:13:28.72\00:13:31.67
that's the gospel when people
talk about let your light shine.
00:13:31.70\00:13:34.62
It has happened
in the home first,
00:13:34.65\00:13:36.92
It has to happen in the home.
00:13:36.96\00:13:38.54
You know Brad were going
to open it up for questions
00:13:38.58\00:13:40.91
because we have talked about
opening up for questions and
00:13:40.94\00:13:43.24
so I want to do that.
00:13:43.28\00:13:46.43
But what I want to say
more than anything is recovery
00:13:46.47\00:13:50.74
has to happen for each of
us in order for us to be well
00:13:50.78\00:13:55.18
and love each other and to
step into a place where the
00:13:55.22\00:13:59.59
joy of the Lord is our strength.
00:13:59.63\00:14:01.51
I know there is a lot
of questions in the café.
00:14:01.55\00:14:05.07
Palischer let's start with you.
00:14:05.11\00:14:07.08
Wow, I was just listening
and when you talked about the
00:14:07.12\00:14:11.17
headlights stuff then my
questions shifted and I want to
00:14:11.20\00:14:15.30
know what is that my headlights
- you have to come out
00:14:15.33\00:14:19.35
to my car. - but has really
been interesting and I just love
00:14:19.39\00:14:23.84
how Brad is open to talk
and say the things that are
00:14:23.88\00:14:28.02
happening between you and him.
00:14:28.06\00:14:29.39
It is wonderful
for you to share it.
00:14:29.43\00:14:30.95
It is all about relationships
and how we look inside
00:14:30.98\00:14:33.74
ourselves, that's what
you're theme is now and I'm
00:14:33.78\00:14:36.47
thinking about you can't even
begin to do the things you are
00:14:36.50\00:14:41.56
doing to make your relationship
grow until you do get some of
00:14:41.59\00:14:46.61
that stuff out
of your blind spots.
00:14:46.65\00:14:49.12
You have to be able to see
what is in your blind spot and
00:14:49.16\00:14:52.30
have the Holy Spirit bring
it out of you so you can see
00:14:52.34\00:14:54.49
what it is in you
that needs fixing.
00:14:54.53\00:14:56.81
Working on yourself is always
first and I mean I just love
00:14:56.85\00:15:01.45
to see that and it works not
only in marital relationships
00:15:01.49\00:15:06.06
but relationships in general.
00:15:06.09\00:15:08.94
Friendships and what is
really interesting about
00:15:08.98\00:15:10.91
you saying that is the
fact that as those things come
00:15:10.94\00:15:15.67
out of those blind spots,
as we deal with that it is
00:15:15.71\00:15:19.62
amazing for me to look
at Brad, and I hope he looks
00:15:19.66\00:15:23.09
at me and says, you
know what I just adore you.
00:15:23.12\00:15:26.48
But one of the times, and I
really, it probably increased
00:15:26.51\00:15:31.24
my trust in Brad 1000% is
that at one point Brad said
00:15:31.28\00:15:35.98
I just saw a video clip of
an early Christmas thing with
00:15:36.01\00:15:40.61
the family and he said
I watched this video clip.
00:15:40.65\00:15:43.14
Of course he was mad
about something in the clip,
00:15:43.18\00:15:45.64
and he said I
don't like that guy,
00:15:45.67\00:15:47.71
I just don't like that guy.
00:15:47.74\00:15:49.20
As he started to break denial
about that, he saw his anger
00:15:49.24\00:15:53.70
and saw what it has done to
him and to us and really started
00:15:53.74\00:15:58.17
to fight to get
that out of his life.
00:15:58.20\00:16:00.78
The fight has increased my love
for you and my trust in you.
00:16:00.82\00:16:04.98
Another thing I want to say
this again, I said it before,
00:16:05.02\00:16:09.15
but it is speaking to
the men and to the guys.
00:16:09.18\00:16:11.79
Societally, generationally,
culturally we are taught
00:16:11.82\00:16:17.43
not to feel, not to express,
we're taught not to care.
00:16:17.47\00:16:21.88
So it really is one of
those things where in some cases
00:16:21.92\00:16:26.30
you almost say it is
really not our fault.
00:16:26.33\00:16:28.92
But that doesn't excuse
not wanting to figure that out.
00:16:28.95\00:16:33.11
I don't think there is a single
guy out there that doesn't
00:16:33.15\00:16:37.27
want to have some
woman adore him and think
00:16:37.31\00:16:40.18
he is all that.
- exactly, exactly.
00:16:40.21\00:16:43.55
I know guys will enough to
know that is part of the deal.
00:16:43.58\00:16:46.81
So if you start to figure
this out that is the response
00:16:46.85\00:16:50.04
you are going to get.
00:16:50.08\00:16:51.41
It is like one of those
things, there is really no risk,
00:16:51.45\00:16:54.98
the risk is some personal
pain I suppose, as you look at
00:16:55.02\00:16:58.38
that stuff, I guess I
wasn't totally truthful there.
00:16:58.41\00:17:01.70
There is some pain but the
risk is really marginal because
00:17:01.73\00:17:04.61
the Holy Spirit is
going to walk you through it.
00:17:04.65\00:17:07.26
God is going to be with
you and the payoff is huge.
00:17:07.29\00:17:09.87
- it's huge. - it's huge.
00:17:09.90\00:17:11.55
We have another question
from the café so Ashley I know
00:17:11.58\00:17:15.67
that you had a question.
00:17:15.71\00:17:17.01
Yeah, what advice would
you give to someone like myself
00:17:17.04\00:17:20.98
who has family and friends
that are in that lockdown mode
00:17:21.02\00:17:24.92
and they can't see it?
00:17:24.96\00:17:26.30
What can we do for all the
other people out there that
00:17:26.33\00:17:30.44
can see it in their
families and friends?
00:17:30.48\00:17:32.39
What can we do to help?
00:17:32.43\00:17:33.74
- They are huge in
denial. - they are completely in
00:17:33.78\00:17:35.33
denial about it?
00:17:35.37\00:17:36.67
A big stick, a really big
stick. - So off with his head?
00:17:36.70\00:17:41.50
There you go. - we spoke
about this a little bit earlier
00:17:41.54\00:17:45.26
and while there is certainly
a number of things you can do
00:17:45.30\00:17:48.99
one is be the
light, be a light for them.
00:17:49.02\00:17:53.24
As your behavior changes,
and you are grounded in that,
00:17:53.28\00:17:56.64
I know that you are,
I admire you so much.
00:17:56.67\00:17:58.80
As you are grounded in
that, and they see you walk the
00:17:58.84\00:18:04.38
walk, they can't but at some
point say I want a piece of that
00:18:04.42\00:18:10.13
I don't know what it is,
and even though I may be locked
00:18:10.17\00:18:13.15
up and angry and all that
stuff I still cannot deny that
00:18:13.19\00:18:16.30
you have changed and you
are happier, I see you at peace
00:18:16.34\00:18:19.73
and grounded and so part
is walking the walk and being
00:18:19.77\00:18:23.13
convicted
yourself as an example.
00:18:23.16\00:18:24.90
The others to pray for
them, that the power of the Holy
00:18:24.94\00:18:27.87
Spirit, and I've used
this before in my own thing.
00:18:27.90\00:18:31.58
I forget which one of the
disciples said pray for your
00:18:31.61\00:18:35.26
enemies is like dumping
hot coals on their head.
00:18:35.29\00:18:37.51
I like that part, but a
case where people you love
00:18:37.54\00:18:39.56
you don't want them to be
hot coals you like them to
00:18:39.60\00:18:41.58
be little flower
petals or something.
00:18:41.62\00:18:43.96
But when you pray for
them it allows the Holy Spirit
00:18:44.00\00:18:47.79
to intercede in their life.
00:18:47.83\00:18:49.47
One of the things I
have to say about prayer,
00:18:49.50\00:18:52.33
what somebody feels like
is when they get down to where
00:18:52.37\00:18:55.87
all they have is prayer
they feel like that is the last
00:18:55.90\00:18:59.37
thing that they
have, it is so powerful.
00:18:59.41\00:19:03.39
Really confront the fact
do I believe there is a God in
00:19:03.43\00:19:07.12
heaven I do I believe
that this God loves them
00:19:07.15\00:19:10.45
more than I love them?
00:19:10.48\00:19:12.51
And do I believe
that they are locked up?
00:19:12.55\00:19:15.18
Actually I love the way
you said that because it is
00:19:15.22\00:19:18.21
really painful to be in a
relationship with somebody
00:19:18.24\00:19:21.20
that is really damaged
and really locked down.
00:19:21.24\00:19:23.63
I prayed for Brad for 14
years before he saw his anger
00:19:23.66\00:19:27.19
at all, if you know what I mean?
00:19:27.23\00:19:28.92
So a long time and that
is a really painful thing.
00:19:28.95\00:19:32.77
But asking God even for
yourself to get a sense,
00:19:32.80\00:19:36.29
to have your heart
break for how stuck they are.
00:19:36.33\00:19:39.74
Do you know what I mean?
So like the first time my mom
00:19:39.78\00:19:44.50
and I had just been an abusive
relationship emotionally mostly
00:19:44.54\00:19:50.31
for years and years and years.
00:19:50.34\00:19:51.59
But I started praying for
her and God put me in front of
00:19:51.62\00:19:55.10
a girl that lives in Australia
that had all these kids
00:19:55.13\00:19:58.58
and had them young
and all that stuff.
00:19:58.61\00:20:01.38
They lived in all this
chaos at one point when I was
00:20:01.41\00:20:04.72
looking at her life and
all the chaos God said your mom
00:20:04.75\00:20:08.02
had it worse than that.
00:20:08.06\00:20:10.41
She had to raise you kids
in that and all of a sudden
00:20:10.45\00:20:14.45
I saw my mom instead of the
villain, I saw my mom as this
00:20:14.49\00:20:19.05
little kid trying to raise
kids in an abusive relationship
00:20:19.09\00:20:23.62
and she just couldn't do it.
00:20:23.66\00:20:25.84
So my heart broke for her.
So when our heart starts to
00:20:25.87\00:20:28.68
break for the people
around us that are locked up,
00:20:28.72\00:20:31.86
we treat them different,
we respond to them different.
00:20:31.89\00:20:35.00
With my mom I know that
when I call her I'm going to get
00:20:35.03\00:20:37.93
sometimes right now, we've
been at this for a long time,
00:20:37.97\00:20:40.90
sometimes they get good stuff,
most of the time I'm going
00:20:40.93\00:20:43.83
to get that negative
stuff, right? But I love her.
00:20:43.86\00:20:48.11
Such a start asking for your
heart to be broken for them.
00:20:48.15\00:20:52.03
What I think is really
cool with you and your mom, I as
00:20:52.07\00:20:55.84
the man trying to stand up
and provide spiritual protection
00:20:55.88\00:20:59.57
for the household as a whole,
a healing for the household.
00:20:59.60\00:21:03.25
It's funny because I'm
the last to male in my family,
00:21:03.29\00:21:05.99
so my household extends out
to my sisters and all that stuff
00:21:06.02\00:21:09.05
They are married but I
still have some spiritual
00:21:09.08\00:21:12.37
authority in that
area which is crazy.
00:21:12.41\00:21:14.57
All of a sudden things
are happening on a level with
00:21:14.61\00:21:17.28
your mom - because we
pray for her every day.
00:21:17.31\00:21:19.56
We pray for her every day
but the fact that last Christmas
00:21:19.59\00:21:21.55
you got flowers from
her was unbelievable.
00:21:21.58\00:21:25.39
Her mom has never sent her
anything when the flowers come
00:21:25.43\00:21:27.43
she thought they were from
me. Did you get me some flowers?
00:21:27.46\00:21:29.43
- We were so broke.
he said no I didn't.
00:21:29.47\00:21:32.35
Now I actually didn't, and
who are they from and I opened
00:21:32.38\00:21:34.93
the card first and I
started crying because her mom,
00:21:34.96\00:21:37.66
your mom has never
sent you anything like that.
00:21:37.70\00:21:40.43
And missing you
wishing you were here.
00:21:40.46\00:21:42.33
Yeah that has never
happened - that's just crazy.
00:21:42.37\00:21:44.99
So to be one of the things
that is absolutely incredible
00:21:45.02\00:21:48.96
is the fact that when anybody
blinks, when anybody tries
00:21:48.99\00:21:52.57
to do recovery, when you
start doing changes within your
00:21:52.61\00:21:56.16
own life, not with
anybody else's life.
00:21:56.19\00:21:58.40
I couldn't change you at all,
you had to see it and God had
00:21:58.44\00:22:01.00
to do it, the only role I
played was try to love you
00:22:01.03\00:22:05.02
without damaging you
too much with my stuff.
00:22:05.05\00:22:08.58
- I thought you were the thorn
in my side? I'm just kidding.
00:22:08.61\00:22:12.96
But what's really
funny about all this stuff is
00:22:15.06\00:22:18.66
that it is, what happens
when we actually decide that I'm
00:22:18.70\00:22:24.45
going to do this,
I'm going to do this.
00:22:24.48\00:22:26.76
I'm going to get well, and
not kind of love the people
00:22:26.80\00:22:30.86
around me, I want to love them.
00:22:30.89\00:22:33.23
I want them to know, Ashley
you as my friend I want you to
00:22:33.26\00:22:36.74
know that you are loved by
me and I want you to know that
00:22:36.77\00:22:40.21
I am thrilled that
you are in my life.
00:22:40.25\00:22:42.66
I love the fact that when
we see each other, we haven't
00:22:42.70\00:22:46.56
seen each other for a while.
00:22:46.59\00:22:47.73
You live in Canada and I
live in the states, but when we
00:22:47.77\00:22:50.93
see each other we get to say,
man I've missed you and talk
00:22:50.96\00:22:53.75
100 miles an hour, I love
that but the only way I'm going
00:22:53.79\00:22:56.54
to get that honestly
is to do my own work.
00:22:56.57\00:22:59.52
The only way I'm going to
do that well is to ask God, my
00:22:59.55\00:23:02.96
higher power, Jesus Christ,
the Holy Spirit to guide me.
00:23:03.00\00:23:06.37
Let me see my blind spots
because I don't want to be bound
00:23:06.40\00:23:09.96
up anymore, I done believing
the lies of the devil and I am
00:23:09.99\00:23:13.52
done believing that I'm
not going to be loved or have
00:23:13.55\00:23:15.67
a relationship, I
am going to have that.
00:23:15.71\00:23:19.17
Brad you are going to have
that, we are okay because God
00:23:19.21\00:23:22.31
said I will fulfill the
work that I started in you.
00:23:22.35\00:23:25.94
Exactly, exactly. -
it's not even us. - Exactly.
00:23:25.98\00:23:29.51
So that's one of the things
when you kind of gain some
00:23:29.54\00:23:32.97
momentum in this, you start
to be able to see your blind
00:23:33.00\00:23:36.36
spots, allow the Holy Spirit
to come in and start working and
00:23:36.39\00:23:39.30
pretty soon that's all cleaned
up and then as things get
00:23:39.33\00:23:42.37
cleaner the dirty spots
show up easier and you can spot
00:23:42.40\00:23:45.40
them quicker and sooner.
00:23:45.44\00:23:47.11
As you feel the freedom then
you are really wanting to get
00:23:47.15\00:23:50.46
rid of that other
stuff when you see it.
00:23:50.49\00:23:51.89
I like that thing about rocks.
00:23:51.93\00:23:53.39
Yeah it is just to be willing
you may have been walking down
00:23:53.43\00:23:57.08
this path for long time but
at some point you have to start
00:23:57.11\00:24:00.73
pulling rocks up and
seeing what's underneath them.
00:24:00.76\00:24:03.87
Ah man I don't want to
look at that, but until you turn
00:24:03.91\00:24:07.93
them over you are not
going to know what is there.
00:24:07.96\00:24:10.01
Well a lot of people, especially
fourth step, it's a lot of
00:24:10.04\00:24:13.78
recovery places and it's
called the dreaded fourth step.
00:24:13.82\00:24:18.49
Because it is so tough to
look at maybe my anger, or it is
00:24:18.52\00:24:22.92
tough to look at the fact
that I have been just horrible
00:24:22.96\00:24:27.32
at times to the
people that have loved me.
00:24:27.36\00:24:29.25
Because I've been so self
focused and had really got to
00:24:29.29\00:24:32.47
stand up in their
own life kind of thing.
00:24:32.50\00:24:34.82
You start looking at
that and it hurts you.
00:24:34.85\00:24:37.09
Something really hurts you when
you see your own self and focus
00:24:37.13\00:24:41.72
on your own injuries, but
God says I'm not doing this to
00:24:41.75\00:24:45.22
hurt you, I'm doing
this so you can have life
00:24:45.26\00:24:47.78
and have it more abundantly.
00:24:47.82\00:24:49.42
I'm doing this so you can
really get everything back.
00:24:49.45\00:24:54.16
When you start to trust
God, because trust has to start
00:24:54.19\00:24:58.10
the relationships and all
that stuff, but ultimately
00:24:58.13\00:25:01.60
I have to trust God, God
is bigger than all the stuff
00:25:01.64\00:25:05.07
and can get me through.
00:25:05.11\00:25:06.19
When you start trusting
God, God says I will take the
00:25:06.22\00:25:09.06
crazy stuff that you
have, I will take your anger and
00:25:09.09\00:25:11.96
turn it around and you will
still have some anger but it
00:25:11.99\00:25:14.82
will be good, it will be
anger at world hunger, anger at
00:25:14.86\00:25:18.68
some of the injustices that
will motivate you to stand up.
00:25:18.71\00:25:21.94
So your anger is still going
to be there, your sexuality
00:25:21.98\00:25:25.33
I will untwist it so you
won't have the perversion and
00:25:25.37\00:25:28.66
I will give you sexuality back
because we are sexual beings.
00:25:28.69\00:25:31.74
But I'm going to fix it
and give it back to you so that
00:25:31.77\00:25:35.90
you can love and
laugh at people around you.
00:25:35.94\00:25:37.65
I think another thing is as
you step into this process is
00:25:37.69\00:25:41.30
realize, and I will speak
for myself right now, I had a
00:25:41.33\00:25:44.40
myriad of things where you
start to uncover one thing and
00:25:44.44\00:25:46.96
suddenly something else
comes up and you think I didn't
00:25:47.00\00:25:49.49
know I had an issue over there.
00:25:49.52\00:25:50.84
So for me, as you cleaned
them up you'll find okay that
00:25:50.88\00:25:54.36
was pretty good, it's pretty
stable and then this one pops
00:25:54.39\00:25:57.29
up and you got to go work on
this one and come over there.
00:25:57.33\00:26:01.97
I had issues again judgmental,
anger, sexuality, arrogance,
00:26:02.00\00:26:06.61
yea I know you like that one.
00:26:06.64\00:26:08.02
arrogance - because I think you
got that from your folks too.
00:26:08.06\00:26:12.14
Oh I know I did, bless her
heart, most of that came from
00:26:12.18\00:26:14.79
my mom, - and most
of it came from her mom.
00:26:14.83\00:26:18.22
- it came from her mom,
she was born in a tiny little
00:26:18.26\00:26:20.96
town in northern Wisconsin
of 250 people and all the
00:26:20.99\00:26:23.66
girls by the time they
were out of high school were
00:26:23.69\00:26:25.87
pregnant and married to
someone working in the sawmill.
00:26:25.90\00:26:28.20
They didn't want that, they
wanted some better for their
00:26:28.23\00:26:31.14
daughter and that was really
out of their version of love.
00:26:31.17\00:26:34.00
So she wasn't allowed to play
with the kids, she was better
00:26:34.04\00:26:36.84
and sent off to boarding
school and so this we-ism was
00:26:36.87\00:26:41.02
handed down to me without
even my knowledge about it until
00:26:41.05\00:26:45.16
much, much, much later.
00:26:45.20\00:26:46.59
Underlying pain with arrogance
was that she was always
00:26:46.63\00:26:49.83
lonely, do you know what I
mean? She didn't have friends.
00:26:49.87\00:26:53.03
Couldn't have friends in
all its stuff so it is pretty
00:26:53.07\00:26:55.93
amazing that it is like every
single thing that comes with
00:26:55.97\00:27:00.14
this one major issue, but
like you said it's under the
00:27:00.18\00:27:02.81
rock or over the rock or
however you want to say it that
00:27:02.85\00:27:05.44
is all these other
issues and what God says is when
00:27:05.48\00:27:08.20
you are free you are
going to feel lighter.
00:27:08.23\00:27:10.18
You're going to feel lighter,
you're going to feel that
00:27:10.21\00:27:14.70
when you do share your
recovery or what the gospel
00:27:14.73\00:27:16.85
growth is all about, because
God delights in our recovery.
00:27:16.89\00:27:20.61
He knows that when we stop
believing the lies that all this
00:27:20.65\00:27:24.34
stuff really falls away
from us. - it does, it really
00:27:24.38\00:27:27.62
does, and then what you
wind up with is two people that
00:27:27.65\00:27:30.86
truly love each other,
the concept of becoming one
00:27:30.89\00:27:34.35
flesh and walking as
one entity, walking in the
00:27:34.38\00:27:37.80
light is just amazing.
00:27:37.83\00:27:39.65
It really is amazing. - you
know if there is some things
00:27:39.68\00:27:42.93
we can do to resolve all these
things we have been talking
00:27:42.97\00:27:45.94
about, so if you find yourself
in the place where you have
00:27:45.97\00:27:48.91
anger and are locked up
you'll want to take steps to
00:27:48.94\00:27:52.09
resolve your bitterness,
to resolve your rebellion, to
00:27:52.12\00:27:55.23
resolve your anger, and
forgive those around you.
00:27:55.27\00:27:57.17
If you are willing to take
those steps and do that you will
00:27:57.20\00:28:00.63
start to be able to
express your love freely without
00:28:00.66\00:28:02.76
anger, without
conditions around it.
00:28:02.79\00:28:04.78
You will be able to forgive
very easily without being
00:28:04.81\00:28:07.66
offended yourself, which
is an interesting place to be.
00:28:07.69\00:28:10.87
What is really cool is when
you clean that up your loved
00:28:10.90\00:28:13.74
ones in your family will
want to start hanging around
00:28:13.78\00:28:16.58
with you. - it's
amazing. - amazing.
00:28:16.62\00:28:19.45
You know it's funny on this
program we have taken it all
00:28:19.48\00:28:23.04
way down to the wire. So
I'm going to just try to,
00:28:23.08\00:28:26.03
first of all I want to say
thank you for being in my life
00:28:26.06\00:28:28.97
and thank you for
being on the program.
00:28:29.01\00:28:30.88
Thank you for working so hard
Brad and I want to say as your
00:28:30.91\00:28:34.09
wife, as the mother
of your children you have
00:28:34.12\00:28:36.84
changed our household with
your fighting for this recovery
00:28:36.88\00:28:39.83
and I want to say
thank you for that.
00:28:39.86\00:28:41.70
I'm so honored it's unbelievable
I know that God put us
00:28:41.74\00:28:45.19
together for reason and
it is really fun to watch
00:28:45.22\00:28:48.20
Him unfold that. - that's cool.
00:28:48.23\00:28:50.47
I just want to say again
is recovery, this fourth step,
00:28:50.51\00:28:55.09
this looking at your own
issues is not an easy step but
00:28:55.12\00:28:59.66
you get everything back.
00:28:59.70\00:29:01.60
I know we have said that
over and over and over on this
00:29:01.63\00:29:04.06
segment, but you get everything
back, you get everything.
00:29:04.10\00:29:06.83
You get family, you get
friends, you get your laughter,
00:29:06.86\00:29:09.87
you get your health because
sometimes with all of our junk,
00:29:09.90\00:29:13.74
our blood pressure is trashed
and we get health issues as
00:29:13.78\00:29:17.59
we stop going outside as
much, as we stop our hobbies
00:29:17.63\00:29:20.47
those kind of things, well
you will get all that back.
00:29:20.51\00:29:23.86
I want you to fight for your
recovery, let God directed it
00:29:23.90\00:29:27.72
I want you to fight for it,
I want you to write us and let
00:29:27.76\00:29:31.17
us know if you get any
kind of insights that you start
00:29:31.21\00:29:34.59
working on and get any
kind of relief from that.
00:29:34.62\00:29:37.04
Write to us and let us know.
00:29:37.07\00:29:38.37
Until then always remember
that God is crazy about you,
00:29:38.41\00:29:41.44
we are too, God bless and
we'll see you next time and
00:29:41.48\00:29:44.48
remember fight for it,
don't let anybody rob you.
00:29:44.51\00:29:49.05