It is so fun to be here today.
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Today is really amazing
to me because I get to have
00:00:41.02\00:00:43.43
my husband on again, and
I had him on last season.
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What was really fun about
bringing him back is the last
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season we talked
about his personal journey.
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He is a new Christian, new
at all that stuff and we have
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been married 22 years so I
have been praying for a long
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time for him to figure it out.
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Sorry babe. But I have
been praying for a long time
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about that stuff, but
man, what is interesting to me
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about man is once you
guys get it, you get it.
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I love that but that has
been true for Brad over the last
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year so Brad first of all
I want to tell you thank you
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so much for being
back on the program.
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We are really going to
cover some more of your journey.
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That we are and I am
really excited about it.
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It's kind of funny, I've
had opportunity to see some
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of the people I met last
year and it has really been fun.
00:01:27.64\00:01:30.44
Ben, and some other folks.
- you're like family here now.
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It's starting to be and that's
really cool, but it is fun
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to be able to walk up to
someone and say, you know I
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actually believe from last
year I'm a different person.
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And to believe that, it is
one thing to say it but it is
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another thing to believe it.
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That will be some of the
things who were talking about is
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what is different
in how did that happen?
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Exactly, so I just want you
guys to know that in the café
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we are going to, on the second
half really open it up for
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questions because I know
that what Brad is going to share
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some of the stuff he really
looked at as far as his own
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recovery, and the
things that were driving him.
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Not the behavior so much,
but the emotions that were
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driving those behaviors.
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If you have any of those,
let's talk about some of that
00:02:09.26\00:02:11.99
in the second half, but right
now when you say Brad, that
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you are different from last
year to this year, first fill
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us in on where you were
at last year and what started
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the difference in
what is the difference?
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Okay, to me this is really
a fun story - and don't lie
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because I am
your wife, I'll know.
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Remember a was a Boy
Scout, wait that's this one.
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Anyway, so again for the people
who may have seen the show
00:02:37.59\00:02:40.33
last year we talked about
the fact that I was starting to
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understand what it meant
to stand up as the head of the
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household and what God expects
from us in terms of spiritual
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covering and
some of those things.
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So throughout the course
of the year as I started to
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try and do that, I stumbled
around, getting one of my model
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weevils, the little toy
weevils would wobble but they
00:02:57.11\00:02:59.93
won't fall down, -
that was you all year round.
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That was me wobbling around
trying to figure out how to do
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this was to start discover
that there were times when
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well almost like I'm not
feeling something, or trying to
00:03:09.28\00:03:12.55
really feel that an even to
the point, there was one point
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this year and I know you
will be comfortable talking
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about it as well, well I
think you will be comfortable
00:03:17.77\00:03:19.62
talking about this.
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When we actually came to
a place, when you look at me
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and were asking for something
from me that I wasn't providing.
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What was real interesting
was that I had to try
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and assess was I or
was I not providing that.
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If I wasn't how come,
what was getting in the way of
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all that, in fact what was
even getting in my way with
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my walk with God?
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It was like I so want to
be this person, and I wanted
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to do that and yet sometimes
I think okay, I say that
00:03:45.71\00:03:49.59
in my head but am I
feeling it in my heart?
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Right, and let me just say
a couple of things that were
00:03:51.78\00:03:56.01
really interesting and one
of the things when Brad and
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I started to really work
together in ministry, your
00:04:00.08\00:04:04.01
growing as a Christian and
I just looked at him and your
00:04:04.04\00:04:06.93
are going to have to get
into counseling first because
00:04:06.97\00:04:09.48
we talked about this last
time, if we are going to work
00:04:09.51\00:04:12.11
together let's find out how
to communicate and those kind
00:04:12.15\00:04:14.72
of things. So we
talked about that.
00:04:14.75\00:04:16.67
But in a counseling session
they were trying to get me
00:04:16.71\00:04:20.85
to think of an incident
that would really talk about the
00:04:20.88\00:04:24.99
fact that I kept
saying, he just doesn't hear me.
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They said, what
do you mean by that?
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Well for the last 11
years, it's a long time right?
00:04:30.05\00:04:35.12
For the last 11 years he
would ask me, Cheri what do
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you want to do
for your birthday?
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And I would say, anything
but the state fair, because
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he takes me to the
state fair every year.
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I don't know about you,
and I don't want to rag on the
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state fair, but I hate
them if you know what I mean?
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I don't like going, I don't
like the rides because I get
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motion sick, the only
thing I like to do is looking at
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quilts and stuff, I don't
know why I like those things.
00:04:59.98\00:05:02.82
He doesn't like
those, so it never works out,
00:05:02.86\00:05:05.84
anything but the state fair.
00:05:05.88\00:05:07.13
And every year he says,
you're not going to believe this
00:05:07.16\00:05:10.12
but I just got a paid
gig at the state fair on your
00:05:10.15\00:05:14.32
birthday, so that will cover
all the costs and we can go.
00:05:14.36\00:05:17.89
Every year, for 11 years
and I'm thinking so every year
00:05:17.92\00:05:20.99
I say I don't want to go,
and every year you get a job.
00:05:21.02\00:05:24.28
It pays for our entire day
at the state fair and every year
00:05:24.32\00:05:27.55
on my birthday I'm there.
00:05:27.58\00:05:28.99
So in counseling we
started talking about that and I
00:05:29.03\00:05:32.17
tell the counselor and I
look at Brad and he has tears in
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his eyes and he said, you
don't like the state fair?
00:05:35.39\00:05:39.14
I said I have been saying
that every year for 11 years.
00:05:39.17\00:05:42.38
But it was really interesting,
when you say you were
00:05:42.41\00:05:45.55
locked up and didn't hear
and didn't feel, we are talking
00:05:45.58\00:05:49.16
really locked up because
when you got it you looked right
00:05:49.20\00:05:52.74
at me and said I'm so sorry.
00:05:52.78\00:05:54.98
That is one of the things
that we want here today is,
00:05:55.01\00:05:59.12
is looking at some of
the underlying things.
00:05:59.15\00:06:01.66
As men we are raised a
certain way, or told a certain
00:06:01.69\00:06:06.74
thing and society says
you need to conform to these
00:06:06.78\00:06:11.79
certain standards if
you're going to be a man.
00:06:11.82\00:06:13.39
We get that from society,
we get there from our own
00:06:13.42\00:06:17.54
fathers about that -
you got that, definitely.
00:06:17.58\00:06:20.67
I definitely got it in a
couple different ways which
00:06:20.70\00:06:23.10
jumping ahead a little bit as
Cheri and I were counseled in a
00:06:23.14\00:06:28.34
certain area and decided to
get some training in that area.
00:06:28.37\00:06:33.54
We had the opportunity
to explore more about
00:06:33.57\00:06:35.11
this process and what
goes on in what it really means
00:06:35.14\00:06:38.10
to love someone,
that's a part of it.
00:06:38.14\00:06:40.01
What does it really
mean to love someone?
00:06:40.05\00:06:41.85
To start to discover that
what you think in your head is
00:06:41.89\00:06:45.32
entirely different than
what you feel in your heart.
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People may realize this
or feel this, but I'm asking
00:06:48.79\00:06:52.33
you to really love me, not
realizing that I do not know
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how to receive
love. - right, right!
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You're saying I don't I
give it, so we were in a mess.
00:06:57.72\00:07:01.08
Weevils, wobbling around trying
to figure out how to do it.
00:07:01.11\00:07:04.68
There's a lot of
people out there that are in
00:07:04.72\00:07:06.83
relationships and they
are saying you know what?
00:07:06.87\00:07:08.92
I hear what you are saying
and I know you need something
00:07:08.95\00:07:10.71
from me but I don't
really know how to give it.
00:07:10.74\00:07:12.54
When a person starts to give
it, if you're really damaged and
00:07:12.57\00:07:16.05
you don't know how to
receive it so how stuck are you?
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If you see a diagram of this
man and woman, it is not only
00:07:19.70\00:07:23.24
can you be
loved, can you get love?
00:07:23.28\00:07:27.02
Can you receive love? -
yeah and we were really right
00:07:27.05\00:07:29.54
there. - we were absolutely
right there and then it
00:07:29.57\00:07:32.03
was real interesting to
have this concept presented to
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you that, in my case, was
like well your heart is bound
00:07:35.58\00:07:39.58
up, you know in some capacity
that something, and most of
00:07:39.62\00:07:42.76
the time we discover this
is not the event itself but
00:07:42.80\00:07:46.66
something happened to
where you weren't able to feel
00:07:46.69\00:07:50.38
things to a certain extent
and or in doing so not able
00:07:50.41\00:07:53.90
to actually love someone
on an emotional basis and to
00:07:53.93\00:07:57.38
connect on that level.
00:07:57.41\00:07:58.71
When you talk about being
intimate and that connection,
00:07:58.74\00:08:01.04
that God really intends for us,
it's so total, it's body, mind,
00:08:01.07\00:08:05.61
and spirit. - because you could
fix things and do things you do
00:08:05.65\00:08:08.55
projects, but to actually love,
or be present with someone.
00:08:08.59\00:08:11.46
In my family that is what
men did, if you love someone
00:08:11.49\00:08:13.74
you did things for them and
so we have Project, Project,
00:08:13.78\00:08:16.82
Project, but the project doesn't
really care for the persons
00:08:16.85\00:08:20.01
heart and doesn't necessarily
meet their emotional needs.
00:08:20.04\00:08:23.10
So through this exploration
process, this is looking at
00:08:23.13\00:08:26.12
a couple different things, and
I'm going to bring this in too,
00:08:26.15\00:08:29.67
is how do I do that? What's
interfering with my process,
00:08:29.71\00:08:33.19
to love my wife, to
love God, to love myself?
00:08:33.23\00:08:36.03
You start running into
these things, well I can go here
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but I can't do that
because it makes me mad.
00:08:39.21\00:08:41.89
Well okay I'll try this one,
well that's stupid, that makes
00:08:41.92\00:08:44.89
me mad too, and after a
little while okay wait a minute
00:08:44.92\00:08:47.85
this anger thing
keeps popping up.
00:08:47.89\00:08:50.97
How come I get angry?
There were times when you would
00:08:51.00\00:08:54.14
get angry with me and I
will get angry with you and the
00:08:54.17\00:08:56.98
anger thing comes back up
and start looking at that.
00:08:57.02\00:08:59.79
Well, what is
the source of that?
00:08:59.83\00:09:01.36
Then again the Bible is
real clear about being able to
00:09:01.39\00:09:05.54
communicate with God in
cleansing our bodies, cleansing
00:09:05.57\00:09:09.68
our temple in order to
be able to communicate.
00:09:09.71\00:09:11.42
Okay so now I'm eating healthier
food, fine that's good.
00:09:11.45\00:09:14.78
I get mad at the
people that don't.
00:09:14.81\00:09:16.49
It's really funny because
when you have anger issues,
00:09:19.14\00:09:22.56
if anybody can relate to
this, just think about that?
00:09:22.59\00:09:25.72
When you have anger issues,
everything brings those up.
00:09:25.76\00:09:29.57
So like you did start eating
healthier, driving healthier,
00:09:29.60\00:09:32.89
being healthier and studying
the Bible and now everybody
00:09:32.92\00:09:36.49
that is not doing that is
wrong and I can express my anger
00:09:36.52\00:09:40.05
at, so we went into a
counseling in session one time,
00:09:40.09\00:09:43.56
we were talking to this
guy and he said, what kind of
00:09:43.59\00:09:47.68
things make you angry?
And Brad and I just busted up.
00:09:47.71\00:09:51.73
So finally Brad said,- you mean
besides everything? - everything
00:09:51.76\00:09:55.52
And it sounds like we're
fighting all the time, that's
00:09:55.55\00:09:59.02
not the case, the underlying
stuff that kept coming up
00:09:59.05\00:10:02.49
was this
hostility, this defiance.
00:10:02.52\00:10:04.99
So for me, and it was a curious
thing because it was like how
00:10:05.02\00:10:08.39
come when Cheri would do
something on that rare occasion
00:10:08.42\00:10:11.67
she would happen to do
something that would cause me to
00:10:11.71\00:10:14.93
get irritated, a rare occasion.
00:10:14.96\00:10:17.87
- Just once in a while. - How
come all the sudden my reaction
00:10:17.91\00:10:20.05
is anger? How come I
don't laugh uncontrollably?
00:10:20.08\00:10:22.39
Or how come I don't
start crying or whatever?
00:10:22.42\00:10:24.70
Or how come I just
can't brush it off?
00:10:24.73\00:10:26.88
Or would someone cut me off
in traffic I would get angry?
00:10:26.92\00:10:29.90
So all of a sudden it was
like I think I have an issue
00:10:29.94\00:10:32.85
here and as we processed
through that, and by God's grace
00:10:32.89\00:10:36.91
He put someone in front
of us that was absolutely the
00:10:36.95\00:10:39.13
perfect person to
help process through that.
00:10:39.16\00:10:40.95
We went through exactly
the same thing. - exactly!
00:10:40.98\00:10:43.52
It helped me to take a
look at that, and as I was able
00:10:43.56\00:10:46.66
to really shed myself of
the anger, I was able to look
00:10:46.69\00:10:49.48
at some of these other
issues that were binding up my
00:10:49.51\00:10:53.24
heart and preventing me
from loving you, and loving God.
00:10:53.28\00:10:56.47
That was real cool. The
imagery, at one point we went
00:10:56.51\00:10:59.77
through some imagery and
it was like is God there?
00:10:59.80\00:11:02.99
Can you see Jesus? I was
like yeah but I can't feel Him,
00:11:03.03\00:11:06.68
He can't touch me because
I can't feel. I can't feel.
00:11:06.71\00:11:10.33
That was a crazy place.
00:11:10.36\00:11:11.75
Being at a point, and what
I really love about recovery,
00:11:11.78\00:11:15.62
about any kind of recovery
work, I'm just going to talk
00:11:15.66\00:11:18.85
really open to you just because
I can, you're my husband.
00:11:18.89\00:11:21.84
If I had somebody here that
I didn't know, I would worry
00:11:21.87\00:11:24.79
about talking this open.
00:11:24.82\00:11:26.38
But what's interesting to
me about the anger you felt,
00:11:26.42\00:11:31.48
or you couldn't feel, I
mean couldn't feel is that when
00:11:31.51\00:11:36.53
you get to the point
where you can say, I see it.
00:11:36.57\00:11:40.22
I'm not sure why I can't
do it, but I actually see that
00:11:40.25\00:11:43.61
it's locked up, I see that
I'm blocked, I see that I have
00:11:43.64\00:11:46.97
a problem here, then
you can take that to Jesus.
00:11:47.00\00:11:49.37
You can take that to God
and say, God, what's that about?
00:11:49.41\00:11:53.72
What's really interesting
to me is when you took that
00:11:53.76\00:11:57.95
to God Brad, is that immediately
Jesus gives you a sense
00:11:57.99\00:12:02.15
of you being
locked up your whole life.
00:12:02.18\00:12:05.66
Your dad's an alcoholic, a
functional alcoholic, nobody
00:12:05.69\00:12:08.92
could see it, an engineer
and worked for the government.
00:12:08.95\00:12:12.04
He did all that stuff, a
research scientist very matter
00:12:12.08\00:12:14.89
a fact but didn't know
how to teach you about how to
00:12:14.93\00:12:17.86
express emotions and when
you saw it and took it to God
00:12:17.90\00:12:22.04
I watched, literally watched
your whole face just softened
00:12:22.07\00:12:26.18
and almost softened
right into the arms of Jesus.
00:12:26.21\00:12:29.84
It's been an amazing
journey and at some point I hope
00:12:29.88\00:12:33.48
I can tell about the
experience on the spin bike.
00:12:33.52\00:12:37.05
It's to start to discover is
that whole thing about getting
00:12:37.08\00:12:40.80
locked up at an early
age and discovering that.
00:12:40.84\00:12:43.41
People get locked up for
all kinds of things, again at
00:12:43.45\00:12:46.16
this particular seminar
we learned about that you can
00:12:46.19\00:12:48.94
get locked up due to
hostility, due to rebellion and
00:12:48.97\00:12:51.64
rejection or neglect, molest,
moral stuff can cause you to
00:12:51.68\00:12:57.05
have a locked up heart.
00:12:57.09\00:12:58.15
When I go shopping I just
don't always buy one kind of
00:12:58.18\00:13:01.37
food, so I chose to have
some hostility, defiance,
00:13:01.41\00:13:04.51
rejection, some moral and
some intellectual and some
00:13:04.54\00:13:07.58
judgmental too, I like to
have a lot of stuff in my soup.
00:13:07.61\00:13:11.07
So starting to work through
those different issues and
00:13:11.10\00:13:13.96
then you are able to go,
where did that come from?
00:13:13.99\00:13:16.78
I had parents, I love my parents
- me too, I love your parents.
00:13:16.81\00:13:20.86
- by all standards
I had an amazing life.
00:13:20.89\00:13:24.91
We did all these cool
things and all that stuff, yet
00:13:24.94\00:13:28.10
through it somehow I
wound up to be this person that
00:13:28.14\00:13:31.26
couldn't feel and
so how did that happen?
00:13:31.29\00:13:33.79
You know when we did cool
projects and went on camping
00:13:33.82\00:13:36.84
trips and stuff but discovered
certain things where there
00:13:36.87\00:13:39.85
were high expectations
from me, high expectations to
00:13:39.88\00:13:43.17
perform, the fact
that my parents even though
00:13:43.20\00:13:45.16
they were very
functional, were alcoholics.
00:13:45.20\00:13:47.09
You know want to stay with
that for a lot of people that
00:13:47.13\00:13:50.38
have been raised in a household
with high expectations,
00:13:50.42\00:13:53.64
and those expectations
were laid on you too young.
00:13:53.68\00:13:58.57
I can't even, I can't
even process them, I don't even
00:13:58.60\00:14:03.43
know as a little kid what skills
I have yet, yet I know this
00:14:03.46\00:14:06.95
project is right in front of me
and I don't know how to do it.
00:14:06.99\00:14:10.44
So that's usually what
happens with kids when they
00:14:10.48\00:14:13.66
locked down, I'm too
young and I don't understand it.
00:14:13.69\00:14:16.81
I know you are disappointed
with me, I don't know why
00:14:16.84\00:14:19.93
and that tends to happen.
00:14:19.96\00:14:22.61
Your dad was very
much in research and he was
00:14:22.65\00:14:25.48
brilliant, but
you were a little guy.
00:14:25.51\00:14:28.11
So it was interesting to take a
look and start to discover that
00:14:28.14\00:14:31.49
one, where does it come from?
00:14:31.52\00:14:34.02
And then what does it
do to you and how early
00:14:34.05\00:14:36.44
some of that stuff was?
00:14:36.47\00:14:38.09
And discovering - and just
for any woman that is around,
00:14:38.13\00:14:41.18
what do you think his
expectations were as far on me?
00:14:41.21\00:14:45.16
Oh man, I come into his
life and initially he was very
00:14:45.20\00:14:48.63
easy with me with very
little expectations, loved me
00:14:48.67\00:14:52.07
and he was star
struck and it was so fun.
00:14:52.11\00:14:55.33
I felt really loved by
you, but when we got into
00:14:55.37\00:14:58.73
relationship his expectation
to me was everything he
00:14:58.76\00:15:03.07
wanted a wife or a woman to
be, and if you're not there,
00:15:03.11\00:15:06.91
I'm going to allow my anger
to push you into that spot.
00:15:06.95\00:15:10.96
So your anger, you used
it to push yourself but then
00:15:10.99\00:15:14.97
you used it to
push me for my own good.
00:15:15.01\00:15:17.83
And then I saw him use
it to push our daughter for
00:15:17.86\00:15:21.46
her own good and so the
anger and the high expectations
00:15:21.50\00:15:24.63
generationally was there and
man was it there in our family.
00:15:24.66\00:15:28.23
And when you would say to
Brad, I would say to you, Hon
00:15:28.27\00:15:32.15
and because you were so
locked down it was like I don't
00:15:32.18\00:15:34.98
know what you are talking
about, I'm just asking you
00:15:35.01\00:15:37.60
to do the right thing. I'm
just asking you to do better.
00:15:37.63\00:15:40.18
Remember how that felt? -
That for me and again, from
00:15:40.22\00:15:44.07
one of my issues and probably
a good chunk of my issues,
00:15:44.10\00:15:47.92
was intellectually locked down.
00:15:47.96\00:15:49.85
It is real easy, part
of the thing is when you do
00:15:49.88\00:15:52.70
counseling you may or may
not as you start doing the
00:15:52.74\00:15:55.52
pain words, have you
ever felt this or that?
00:15:55.56\00:15:57.70
They give you a
sheet of like 300 words.
00:15:57.74\00:15:59.82
I would check off like three
of them, I never felt that,
00:15:59.85\00:16:02.60
- and he thinks
he's exaggerating.
00:16:02.64\00:16:03.99
It's like no I never
feel any of that stuff.
00:16:04.02\00:16:07.22
And the person who is
doing this particular seminar
00:16:07.26\00:16:09.47
started listing the things
about an intellectually locked
00:16:09.50\00:16:11.98
heart, and man out of
the 15 I could have checked
00:16:12.01\00:16:14.55
off 13 of those items.
00:16:14.59\00:16:16.16
He said one of them is
when you comes the pain words
00:16:16.20\00:16:19.18
you don't think you feel
any of those and the fact is
00:16:19.22\00:16:22.17
it's not that I
didn't have them in my life,
00:16:22.21\00:16:24.71
I couldn't feel them.
00:16:24.74\00:16:26.43
Just for example, Brad
and I do counseling a lot.
00:16:26.47\00:16:30.97
I wouldn't call it counseling,
mentoring or coaching
00:16:31.01\00:16:35.48
or whatever, we do that a lot.
00:16:35.52\00:16:36.62
We were talking with this
guy the other day and what was
00:16:36.66\00:16:39.48
really interesting was
that he talked about three
00:16:39.51\00:16:41.70
marriages, he has kids
from different marriages,
00:16:41.74\00:16:43.90
and they don't
talk to him anymore.
00:16:43.93\00:16:45.29
He was in ministry but now
he is not, he got fired from
00:16:45.32\00:16:49.63
that and did all that stuff.
00:16:49.66\00:16:51.11
Then you ask him,
what issues do you have?
00:16:51.15\00:16:54.20
He seriously looks at us
like I don't think I have any
00:16:54.23\00:16:57.48
issues, and I'm like really?
00:16:57.52\00:17:00.62
But that is somebody that
is locked up and you feel that
00:17:00.65\00:17:03.68
and what is really sad
about that is there are a lot of
00:17:03.71\00:17:06.67
people both men and women
that walk around with I don't
00:17:06.70\00:17:09.90
think I have them, is that
you know that somewhere you
00:17:09.94\00:17:12.97
shutdown because you
can't have that much wreckage
00:17:13.01\00:17:16.40
following you without
having some anger, some stuff in
00:17:16.44\00:17:19.80
your life and so you were there.
00:17:19.83\00:17:22.53
I want to know Brad,
how you broke through that?
00:17:22.56\00:17:28.82
What was interesting to
me was it was actually by the
00:17:28.85\00:17:32.97
power of God for
that's exactly what it was.
00:17:33.00\00:17:35.73
It was getting to a place
where I had decided I don't
00:17:35.77\00:17:40.12
want this anymore,
I was able to see it.
00:17:40.15\00:17:42.41
And I am
powerless here. - oh yeah!
00:17:42.45\00:17:44.16
I could not do it and I heard
some people talking earlier
00:17:44.19\00:17:46.76
about being a broken man.
00:17:46.80\00:17:48.25
I've really reached the
breaking point with where this
00:17:48.29\00:17:50.96
has got to get fixed in
some capacity or another.
00:17:51.00\00:17:54.36
So through, I would call a
coaching and a healing prayer
00:17:54.39\00:17:58.92
process really was to be able
to take it to Jesus and let Him
00:17:58.95\00:18:03.45
deal with it. - to
say here, take this.
00:18:03.48\00:18:06.31
You can have it. It's an
interesting thing about taking
00:18:06.35\00:18:09.04
ownership for your own
emotions, you have to own them.
00:18:09.07\00:18:11.72
- and the pain you have caused.
00:18:11.76\00:18:13.17
The pain I have caused to
myself and others and it's
00:18:13.21\00:18:16.53
you get into this legal
concept that I had to have full
00:18:16.56\00:18:19.85
ownership in
order to give it away.
00:18:19.89\00:18:21.55
If I leave something out
there, well-yeah, this-but it's
00:18:21.59\00:18:24.71
so-and-so's fault, there
is still a hook in there that
00:18:24.75\00:18:29.06
Satan has, that you haven't
taken full ownership, it's
00:18:29.10\00:18:33.37
not really yours to give away.
00:18:33.41\00:18:34.68
Someone still has part
ownership of that particular
00:18:34.71\00:18:36.77
emotional thing or the
baggage that you are carrying
00:18:36.80\00:18:39.14
around, so you own it. -
I take full responsibility
00:18:39.17\00:18:41.47
for my anger. - exactly!
00:18:41.51\00:18:43.06
- 100%, it's
nobody else's fault.
00:18:43.09\00:18:45.44
It's my fault, the incident,
the bully may have hit me
00:18:45.47\00:18:48.72
but my resentment to
the bully that's mine.
00:18:48.76\00:18:51.17
I have been walking around
with it for years, it's mine.
00:18:51.20\00:18:54.13
Even what is interesting
about when you decide to take
00:18:54.16\00:18:56.86
full responsibility for
your anger and your resentment
00:18:56.90\00:18:59.53
or your junk is being able to
say I take full responsibility
00:18:59.57\00:19:03.48
for the junk that is caused
by someone else, 100% caused
00:19:03.51\00:19:07.39
by someone else, you
know what I'm talking about.
00:19:07.43\00:19:09.82
That person is not capable
of doing anything to fix it for
00:19:09.85\00:19:14.93
you, is I take responsibility
even for a cause that
00:19:14.97\00:19:18.75
they have had in my life,
for the pain and the bitterness
00:19:18.79\00:19:22.43
that they have caused me,
I'm going to take that because
00:19:22.46\00:19:26.07
I don't know that
they can right now.
00:19:26.10\00:19:28.71
I'll take it, once
it is all in my hands
00:19:28.74\00:19:31.28
- now I can surrender it,
because I have the legal right
00:19:31.32\00:19:34.20
to give it up, I'm done with it.
00:19:34.24\00:19:36.07
It is really cool, we have
done that process even to the
00:19:36.11\00:19:38.68
point, I can't remember if
I talked about this the last
00:19:38.72\00:19:41.25
time we were processing
that, we're you're able to
00:19:41.29\00:19:43.83
surrender stuff and physically
I almost felt this holding
00:19:43.86\00:19:46.74
it in my hands and being
able to give it to God and get
00:19:46.78\00:19:49.62
rid of it so it is
not a part of our lives.
00:19:49.65\00:19:51.33
With the anger what was really
interesting to me Brad, was when
00:19:51.36\00:19:54.97
you saw the anger, because
for a lot of people that are
00:19:55.01\00:19:58.41
locked up intellectually is
one they don't see the emotion.
00:19:58.45\00:20:02.00
They could be angry and have
all that, I have just got to
00:20:02.03\00:20:04.85
give you another example
of his anger because it's so
00:20:04.88\00:20:07.66
funny, just close
your ears for this one.
00:20:07.69\00:20:11.84
We are going to Disney
World with my daughter and her
00:20:11.87\00:20:16.10
friend, and so Brad decides
because he is so locked up
00:20:16.13\00:20:20.32
I have so much
control issues, and we will
00:20:20.36\00:20:22.53
talk about those next.
00:20:22.56\00:20:23.79
This locked up and having
those control issues and we
00:20:23.83\00:20:26.61
are going to Disney World
and only got a limited time.
00:20:26.64\00:20:31.09
So we have a day and so he
wants to see all six parks in a
00:20:31.13\00:20:34.92
day, well anybody who has
been you know you can't do that.
00:20:34.96\00:20:38.85
But in Brad's mind you can
and he didn't even ask anybody
00:20:38.89\00:20:42.75
else would you
have fun doing that?
00:20:42.78\00:20:44.86
Because we would have
said no, that's crazy.
00:20:44.90\00:20:48.77
But anyhow, now he has
three girls just complaining
00:20:48.80\00:20:51.54
the whole time
that this is not fun.
00:20:51.58\00:20:53.55
So now he's what? Angry!
We deal with that for the
00:20:53.58\00:20:58.35
entire day and I know beyond
a shadow of a doubt I love
00:20:58.38\00:21:03.37
this man, I know he's not
an angry person, yet why is
00:21:03.41\00:21:08.36
anger coming up all the time?
00:21:08.40\00:21:10.64
What was interesting to
me is as you finally saw it,
00:21:10.68\00:21:14.40
and took it to Jesus I
am watching changes thinking
00:21:14.43\00:21:17.94
I wanted to weep the whole
time thinking God, you know
00:21:17.98\00:21:21.45
what? It was almost
like, and what I said to Brad
00:21:21.49\00:21:24.98
when he started dealing
with it, in the Bible when it
00:21:25.02\00:21:28.48
talks about
Lazarus, and Lazarus died.
00:21:28.51\00:21:30.48
Jesus rose him from the dead
and he comes out of the tomb
00:21:30.51\00:21:34.16
with these grave clothes on.
00:21:34.20\00:21:35.43
I almost felt like I watched
Brad stand up and come out of
00:21:35.47\00:21:39.94
that tomb of anger, still
having burial clothes on but
00:21:39.98\00:21:44.42
giving us
permission to take them off.
00:21:44.45\00:21:46.50
It was that much of a
transformation to me watching
00:21:46.54\00:21:50.16
you and watching Jesus
say, you will not have this
00:21:50.19\00:21:53.78
in your life again.
00:21:53.81\00:21:55.23
It has been for me, it
really has been remarkable.
00:21:55.26\00:21:58.61
On a whole bunch of different
levels, one which was cool
00:21:58.65\00:22:02.92
I'm not going to
pretend it is all gone.
00:22:02.96\00:22:04.57
If you have a room that is
filled with stuff and we won't
00:22:04.61\00:22:08.69
going to the fact that the men
in my family we like to hoard
00:22:08.72\00:22:11.29
stuff, that's a
whole other story.
00:22:11.33\00:22:12.87
That's a whole other program.
- that's another program.
00:22:12.90\00:22:15.56
But if you come in and
I've got all the stuff out.
00:22:15.60\00:22:17.68
- I cleaned it out. -
I've cleaned it out pretty
00:22:17.71\00:22:19.72
good, but man the floor
is, still dirt in this corner,
00:22:19.76\00:22:23.01
I miss that thing here
so, you'll be going along and
00:22:23.05\00:22:26.27
all of a sudden
something will pop back up.
00:22:26.30\00:22:27.69
What is really cool is that
I can feel it just like I can
00:22:27.72\00:22:30.75
feel this class or in this
table, physically feel and all
00:22:30.79\00:22:32.99
of the sudden boom, there
is anger. - there it is again.
00:22:33.03\00:22:35.20
Ah this toxic ball of
stuff that I just don't want.
00:22:35.23\00:22:39.24
I'm not going to pick
it up which is really cool.
00:22:39.27\00:22:43.21
- I like the fact that you
have a choice now, you really
00:22:43.24\00:22:46.41
do have a choice
which is awesome.
00:22:46.44\00:22:48.61
Tools to use to make sure
that it doesn't get in the way.
00:22:48.64\00:22:51.31
These tools you can use
them for all kinds of stuff.
00:22:51.35\00:22:54.03
I know we have talked about
fearsome moral inventory and
00:22:54.07\00:22:56.35
that is something I have
worked on also really hard.
00:22:56.38\00:22:58.64
Occasionally a little
thing will crop up in it is like
00:22:58.67\00:23:01.06
Man, I can process it and
give it to God and be done with
00:23:01.09\00:23:03.45
it so it doesn't creep up.
00:23:03.48\00:23:04.71
What is really interesting
is that I know one of the
00:23:04.74\00:23:09.45
things in getting rid of
the anger, suddenly my ability
00:23:09.49\00:23:14.16
to communicate with
people is very different.
00:23:14.20\00:23:16.11
- with his wife. - and
more importantly my ability
00:23:16.15\00:23:20.65
to hear God has totally changed.
00:23:20.69\00:23:22.33
So through the process is
almost like what do you mean
00:23:22.36\00:23:25.45
I am locked up? I can't feel?
00:23:25.48\00:23:28.14
Until I was able to get rid
of the anger I wasn't able to
00:23:28.17\00:23:31.55
start and identify some of the
issues that were there binding
00:23:31.58\00:23:35.16
my heart and keeping
me from loving people.
00:23:35.20\00:23:37.21
So then being able to do
that and go through those things
00:23:37.25\00:23:41.24
without judging myself
nor judging other people and
00:23:41.28\00:23:44.85
putting in
impositions all my life is...
00:23:44.88\00:23:46.87
- Because you had high
expectations on everyone.
00:23:46.90\00:23:48.56
On everyone and it's
good to excel and it's good to
00:23:48.60\00:23:51.16
achieve and you
should strive for excellence.
00:23:51.20\00:23:52.87
So talk about, with that thing
for some people that are locked
00:23:52.90\00:23:57.80
down and driven with anger,
driven with high expectations
00:23:57.84\00:24:01.53
is a rationalization when you
start to hear yourself saying,
00:24:01.56\00:24:06.62
well I'm just asking for someone
to do their best, to justify
00:24:06.65\00:24:11.67
the anger and the feelings
underneath it, is there is a
00:24:11.71\00:24:15.14
part truth in that but
most of it is rationalize the
00:24:15.18\00:24:18.58
amount of anger
that is coming out.
00:24:18.61\00:24:19.90
It really was interesting
- justified - justified
00:24:19.93\00:24:22.64
perhaps and again we have talked
about this in my first program
00:24:22.68\00:24:26.55
was the concept of generational
blessings and cursing's.
00:24:26.58\00:24:29.11
Looking at those
different things that many of us
00:24:29.15\00:24:32.68
inherit stuff that we
are not even aware of.
00:24:32.72\00:24:34.75
Is it okay to say how old I
am? Can I say that in public?
00:24:34.78\00:24:39.19
Just as long as you
say I am much younger.
00:24:39.23\00:24:41.20
And to my incredibly
younger wife, gorgeous and
00:24:41.24\00:24:45.03
incredibly younger wife,
I'm 54 and it only started two
00:24:45.07\00:24:49.81
years ago that I started
to find out what were the
00:24:49.85\00:24:52.46
generational cursing's I
had inherited with no knowledge
00:24:52.50\00:24:55.84
whatsoever up to
that point in time.
00:24:55.87\00:24:57.46
I started to understand
what those were and it allowed
00:24:57.50\00:25:00.35
me to say okay I really
don't want to keep hauling these
00:25:00.38\00:25:03.20
around and I am ready
to start to break them.
00:25:03.23\00:25:06.01
Some of them I didn't under
stand until I got rid of the
00:25:06.04\00:25:08.83
anger which was interfering
with my ability to communicate
00:25:08.86\00:25:11.62
with people
around me and with God.
00:25:11.65\00:25:13.92
The clarity for all this stuff
comes from the Holy Spirit.
00:25:13.96\00:25:18.35
So it's like what you do
first? How do you figure it out?
00:25:18.39\00:25:23.21
In your wobbling around
but having the courage I guess,
00:25:23.25\00:25:27.34
and the willingness to
say okay as a man I am willing
00:25:27.38\00:25:31.40
to be vulnerable and I am
willing to go through some pain.
00:25:31.44\00:25:34.40
The process is not necessarily
a really pleasant one.
00:25:34.43\00:25:37.62
But the benefit
is absolutely huge.
00:25:37.66\00:25:41.53
It is one of those things
I'm going to use as we were
00:25:41.57\00:25:44.58
running around today, is
that it gives you to a place
00:25:44.61\00:25:48.64
where you are able to let
happen what God wants for you,
00:25:48.68\00:25:52.68
and allows you to
provide what women want from you
00:25:52.71\00:25:56.08
as a man. -
Amen, say that again.
00:25:56.12\00:25:59.35
Okay, God wants
certain things for me as a man.
00:25:59.38\00:26:03.14
He wants me to provide
spiritual leadership for the
00:26:03.17\00:26:06.89
household. - and to be
able to love and be loved.
00:26:06.92\00:26:09.75
A person that's compassionate,
understanding through
00:26:09.78\00:26:12.57
strength but
compassionate and understanding.
00:26:12.60\00:26:14.63
- not anger. - that's right
but that's what you want from me
00:26:14.67\00:26:18.84
is that leadership,
compassion and understanding and
00:26:18.87\00:26:22.01
guidance but done through
love and caring and not out of
00:26:22.04\00:26:25.15
high expectations
and demanding. - right!
00:26:25.18\00:26:28.08
Because the other way the
people in your life run from
00:26:28.11\00:26:31.23
you, in this way people
in your life run to you.
00:26:31.27\00:26:34.14
And the other side of that
is a relationship is two people
00:26:34.18\00:26:38.37
and so I had these issues
with my heart that were bound up
00:26:38.40\00:26:42.56
and I love you baby
but there was a few issues.
00:26:42.59\00:26:45.52
No stop, it cannot be.
00:26:45.56\00:26:48.75
So let's take a break
before he gets into those.
00:26:48.79\00:26:51.69
We're going to take a
break and come back and we are
00:26:51.72\00:26:54.55
going to talk about in a
few more of those and open it up
00:26:54.59\00:26:57.43
for questions but I want
you to know the most amazing
00:26:57.47\00:26:59.76
thing we are talking
about step four during this
00:26:59.80\00:27:02.51
season, the most amazing
thing is as soon as you turn
00:27:02.54\00:27:06.00
it over and say to God I'm
willing to do this step four
00:27:06.03\00:27:09.45
I'm willing to look at
what the core things are.
00:27:09.49\00:27:13.17
God is faithful, He will say I
will show you what they are and
00:27:13.21\00:27:17.20
I will do it gentle but
some of them are not at all what
00:27:17.24\00:27:20.59
you think, they are things
that are generational given,
00:27:20.63\00:27:23.91
they are the anger that drives
all the other behavioral stuff
00:27:23.95\00:27:28.60
and all the other addictions,
the high expectations,
00:27:28.64\00:27:31.94
the fact that we locked
down all that stuff and God says
00:27:31.98\00:27:34.99
by the time we are done
you're going to be free and that
00:27:35.03\00:27:38.01
is the coolest thing.
00:27:38.04\00:27:39.15
We will be right
back, stay with us!
00:27:39.18\00:27:40.88