Welcome back, I love working with everybody that comes 00:00:15.02\00:00:20.06 on the set, I wish I could introduce you to every 00:00:20.09\00:00:22.55 single person in the café today. 00:00:22.59\00:00:24.33 Each has a testimony and on some of the other programs 00:00:24.37\00:00:26.85 you will meet them. 00:00:26.88\00:00:28.01 But today is about Brian and you David. 00:00:28.05\00:00:31.29 David Allen and I want to say thank you for coming 00:00:31.32\00:00:34.13 on and I know that you and Brian work together. 00:00:34.17\00:00:36.91 Before we get into that can we talk about who you are 00:00:36.94\00:00:40.66 and where you have come from because your story is way 00:00:40.70\00:00:44.38 different than Brian's. 00:00:44.41\00:00:46.05 It is different, one thing that I can say is I grew up 00:00:46.08\00:00:50.46 in a middle-class, lower middle- class family in Wasilla Alaska. 00:00:50.50\00:00:54.29 When I grew up my parents, God bless them, they were well- 00:00:54.32\00:00:57.08 intentioned and did the best they possibly could for me. 00:00:57.11\00:01:00.85 My dad before I was born, he had gone to jail several 00:01:00.88\00:01:03.92 times for in-appropriate behavior with the opposite 00:01:03.95\00:01:07.81 gender and my mom - I love the way you say that's so 00:01:07.84\00:01:12.14 easy, I'm like wait. - it's not me and they are not here 00:01:12.17\00:01:16.15 today so I - so it's something he wasn't really a part of 00:01:16.19\00:01:20.13 in your life is where your dad came from? - yeah. 00:01:20.16\00:01:25.66 My mom had a psychological condition very similar to 00:01:25.69\00:01:30.02 autism and is called Aspergers and that affects social 00:01:30.06\00:01:33.55 skills and ability to recognize and understand emotions 00:01:33.59\00:01:37.05 in other people. 00:01:37.08\00:01:38.49 For some people that don't know that I have a friend that 00:01:38.53\00:01:41.85 has the same kind of thing and sometimes it is even 00:01:41.88\00:01:44.49 helpful for them to have a notebook with facial 00:01:44.52\00:01:47.05 expressions that says this is a happiness look like this, 00:01:47.09\00:01:50.61 sadness looks like this, anger looks like this. 00:01:50.64\00:01:52.74 They are so disconnected by not being able to interpret 00:01:52.78\00:01:56.34 expressions that they have cheater sheet. - yeah. 00:01:56.37\00:02:00.74 So I don't think my mom ever did that but it would have 00:02:00.77\00:02:07.08 been very helpful if she had. 00:02:07.11\00:02:08.15 So how this came together was that emotions were not 00:02:08.18\00:02:13.97 something I was allowed to express, if I was frustrated 00:02:14.00\00:02:17.98 with something it either was punished for being expressed by 00:02:18.01\00:02:23.50 one parent or completely ignored as something weird by 00:02:23.54\00:02:27.82 the other and so I grew up with a lot of anger. 00:02:27.85\00:02:30.93 I was embarrassed that I had emotions and didn't know how 00:02:30.97\00:02:34.61 to express them and didn't know who to express them to 00:02:34.65\00:02:38.25 so I became more frustrated. 00:02:38.29\00:02:40.07 So I could see you watching your mom and trying to get 00:02:40.10\00:02:44.10 some kind of how to act when you wouldn't 00:02:44.14\00:02:47.20 have known as a small child that she did know how to give 00:02:47.23\00:02:49.40 you those clues. - yeah so I didn't receive them. 00:02:49.43\00:02:51.99 While she was very good at teaching me in elementary school 00:02:52.02\00:02:57.12 once I went to age 12 and politics and gossips start to 00:02:57.16\00:03:01.80 become the order of the day in public schools, I was 00:03:01.84\00:03:05.50 completely unequipped to deal with all the rapid 00:03:05.53\00:03:09.16 changes that were happening. 00:03:09.19\00:03:10.40 I didn't know why all my friends were abandoning me, 00:03:10.43\00:03:13.65 I didn't know why it was being invited anywhere, I didn't 00:03:13.69\00:03:15.89 know why I was being bullied and I had 00:03:15.92\00:03:19.04 no system for understanding that. 00:03:19.08\00:03:20.84 I got out of high school - you are the first person 00:03:20.87\00:03:24.31 I have ever met, I mean I have met people with those 00:03:24.34\00:03:27.69 disorders, I met people that have really struggled 00:03:27.73\00:03:30.94 at living with those and have really done a great job. 00:03:30.98\00:03:33.87 I mean I has some really good friends that struggle with 00:03:33.91\00:03:36.74 that, with Aspergers and certain elements of that but you are 00:03:36.77\00:03:41.94 the first child of someone with this disorder that 00:03:41.98\00:03:46.46 I have ever met. 00:03:46.49\00:03:47.56 You are looking and saying I have no way to interpret the 00:03:47.60\00:03:50.89 world, and that is how I stepped into it. 00:03:50.93\00:03:53.63 Angry. - yeah I stepped into it angry and it got to 00:03:53.67\00:03:56.89 the point that by the time I was getting out of high 00:03:56.92\00:03:59.96 school I was listening to heavy metal and death metal 00:03:59.99\00:04:02.99 music for probably four to six hours a day. 00:04:03.03\00:04:04.90 - because you connect with that? 00:04:04.93\00:04:06.84 I could easily connect with that and not that I have 00:04:06.87\00:04:09.53 anything against it as a style of music but the lyrics 00:04:09.56\00:04:12.18 weren't help with me at all. 00:04:12.21\00:04:13.60 So was trying to fuel my anger and was using the anger as 00:04:13.64\00:04:17.85 a motivation to do every single thing, but it was scaring 00:04:17.88\00:04:22.06 people and I didn't know that I was scaring people. 00:04:22.10\00:04:24.84 I bet you were too, you know what I mean? 00:04:24.87\00:04:29.83 I could hear you and just see how that developed and 00:04:29.86\00:04:33.83 everything in me says I bet, because once we fit in 00:04:33.87\00:04:37.77 anywhere it doesn't matter where it is, but when you are 00:04:37.80\00:04:40.95 desperately trying to fit in and you find that niche I'm 00:04:40.98\00:04:44.66 going to fulfill that niche 100%, 1000% and I could see 00:04:44.70\00:04:48.35 you just saying okay here it is. 00:04:48.38\00:04:50.30 So it looked for a while that any evil forces or 00:04:50.33\00:04:56.27 negative forces in my life that wanted me to fail had 00:04:56.31\00:04:58.97 me pretty much on a fast freeway to wherever. 00:04:59.00\00:05:03.24 I realized when I got into college, at first I didn't 00:05:03.27\00:05:09.53 know what I wanted to do and then I decided I wanted to 00:05:09.56\00:05:11.73 get into business, because one thing my dad was always 00:05:11.76\00:05:14.42 good at he said if you want to study anything, study 00:05:14.46\00:05:17.44 business and then study whatever you want so that way 00:05:17.47\00:05:20.13 you will at least know how it works and you will be able 00:05:20.16\00:05:22.78 to make good living for yourself and your family. 00:05:22.82\00:05:24.96 And you can develop whatever is? - uh-huh. 00:05:25.00\00:05:26.93 - that's awesome - so I went into that and started 00:05:26.97\00:05:29.08 studying salesmanship, I was at a life insurance company 00:05:29.11\00:05:32.39 and I was calling people on this church directory and 00:05:32.43\00:05:35.12 naturally most of these people knew me growing up and 00:05:35.16\00:05:38.10 being very angry so they weren't ready to invite me into 00:05:38.14\00:05:40.99 their house to talk to their family about what would 00:05:41.03\00:05:43.58 happen if one of them died and try to get them to part 00:05:43.61\00:05:46.11 with their hard-earned money. - exactly and if you 00:05:46.15\00:05:48.82 don't do it right you may die right now. - yeah! 00:05:48.86\00:05:51.46 We may just take care that? - well if something happened to 00:05:51.49\00:05:56.64 you yes so I was looking at this church directory and there 00:05:56.68\00:06:01.79 was one name that stuck out and I saw this face and it 00:06:01.83\00:06:05.54 was a redheaded face with a beard and he had his wife 00:06:05.58\00:06:09.25 and two kids there and his name was Brian Shaw. 00:06:09.29\00:06:12.12 - Oh so that's for Brian comes in. 00:06:12.15\00:06:14.22 I look at the name and thought yet he used to go to my 00:06:14.26\00:06:17.30 church, he goes to a different one now, I should call him 00:06:17.33\00:06:19.67 but I'm going to skip that name and go to a different 00:06:19.71\00:06:22.01 one on the list. 00:06:22.04\00:06:23.24 So I called and did a bunch of other lists and four months 00:06:23.27\00:06:26.85 later finally I just decided I'm going to call this name. 00:06:26.88\00:06:29.87 I don't know why I was scared to call this person, why? 00:06:29.90\00:06:33.30 So I dialed his number and meant talk to him about 15 00:06:33.33\00:06:36.35 minutes, and maybe even five and set up an appointment 00:06:36.39\00:06:39.26 and got off the phone and I talked to him for 45 minutes. 00:06:39.30\00:06:42.88 So you connected right away? Yeah, I thought I had this 00:06:42.92\00:06:46.68 thing in the bag so I set the appointment and came over 00:06:46.72\00:06:49.89 and try to sell him the insurance and I learned about 00:06:49.92\00:06:53.06 emotional intelligence instead. 00:06:53.10\00:06:54.67 I started my journey towards personal development ever 00:06:54.70\00:06:58.85 since. - that's what his passion was. 00:06:58.89\00:07:01.11 It is very rare to find someone whose passion was 00:07:01.14\00:07:03.22 stronger than my own. 00:07:03.26\00:07:04.77 So what did you learn about emotional intelligence because 00:07:04.81\00:07:08.17 you have been dying for that information your whole life. 00:07:08.21\00:07:11.54 Without even knowing it your whole life has been 00:07:11.58\00:07:14.68 wanting to know this. 00:07:14.72\00:07:16.23 And God knew that, praise the Lord because when I was 00:07:16.26\00:07:20.03 getting started and Brian was meeting with me and teaching 00:07:20.06\00:07:23.23 me these principles from the Bible a couple of times 00:07:23.27\00:07:26.35 people would meet with him and take him aside and say 00:07:26.38\00:07:29.43 Brian do not work with David. - he's angry! 00:07:29.47\00:07:34.58 He's angry, probably one of those people who will end up 00:07:34.61\00:07:37.37 killing his mother one day and so yeah but luckily 00:07:37.40\00:07:41.26 so even with you saying that what people don't realize is 00:07:41.30\00:07:45.69 that your anger was tangible. - um hmm. 00:07:45.73\00:07:49.20 So lots of people were just frightened about that? 00:07:49.24\00:07:54.08 - yeah, so luckily Brian duly noted this and listen to 00:07:54.11\00:07:58.36 God and decided to act anyway and he became the first 00:07:58.40\00:08:02.50 of what would be many people who would be very supportive 00:08:02.53\00:08:06.13 of me, listening and understanding my emotions and it 00:08:06.16\00:08:09.72 became a bridge between me and developing 00:08:09.76\00:08:12.92 a relationship with God. - Amen! 00:08:12.95\00:08:15.15 So you know I'm so proud of Brian, and proud that he saw 00:08:15.18\00:08:18.79 that, and proud that he didn't back away from it 00:08:18.82\00:08:21.47 because of his own anger it didn't scare him more than 00:08:21.51\00:08:25.17 likely and we will talk to him about that later. 00:08:25.20\00:08:28.15 But it probably didn't scare you at all and so to me 00:08:28.19\00:08:31.61 what was it like and tell me some of the first things 00:08:31.64\00:08:35.03 that you learned about waking all that stuff up? 00:08:35.06\00:08:38.64 Okay the first thing I realized is that with relationships 00:08:38.67\00:08:43.92 what I had back then was a tit-for-tat thing. 00:08:43.96\00:08:46.71 You would do something, I would do something for you and 00:08:46.74\00:08:49.16 I would expect you to do something for me and it's going 00:08:49.19\00:08:51.67 to be whatever I want it to be and you will do it now. 00:08:51.70\00:08:54.14 It's if you don't then you are a lousy person. 00:08:54.18\00:08:56.63 - And I don't want a relationship with you. 00:08:56.67\00:08:59.05 - I learned that people don't like that very much. 00:08:59.09\00:09:03.14 I was able to watch how Brian interacted with people and 00:09:03.17\00:09:06.98 I was able to go to different churches and watch how other 00:09:07.02\00:09:09.84 people interacted with one another and I got involved with 00:09:09.88\00:09:13.61 community theater and I started to notice the social norms 00:09:13.64\00:09:17.18 with how my family operated, that isn't how other people 00:09:17.21\00:09:20.66 operate, there is another way a better way of living. 00:09:20.70\00:09:25.65 You know I just want to say David, I feel so proud of us 00:09:25.68\00:09:29.67 as Christians, I'm proud of God that no matter where 00:09:29.71\00:09:34.20 we come from, God says I've known you since you were 00:09:34.24\00:09:37.62 a little boy and I know exactly what you need right 00:09:37.66\00:09:41.01 now and that is what I'm going to do. 00:09:41.04\00:09:42.52 Your journey is so much different than mine but I really 00:09:42.56\00:09:45.65 proud of God because I know you need to watch people and 00:09:45.69\00:09:48.84 you need someone to really reach in and spend that time 00:09:48.88\00:09:52.40 and understand where you come from and don't you get 00:09:52.44\00:09:55.93 proud of God that He does all of that for us? 00:09:55.97\00:09:58.08 - I do, I do. - so as you're watching that and realize 00:09:58.12\00:10:01.43 in the social norms you came from are not what is out 00:10:01.46\00:10:04.74 there and you're going to now learn something 00:10:04.77\00:10:07.52 that is going to help you to step into the next 00:10:07.56\00:10:10.28 part of your recovery. 00:10:10.31\00:10:11.62 You must've been a scary time and an exciting time? 00:10:11.65\00:10:16.54 - it was, I was challenged on a lot of issues and one of 00:10:16.57\00:10:20.42 the first issues I was challenged with was the issue of 00:10:20.45\00:10:24.26 this really dark music I was listening to. 00:10:24.29\00:10:27.96 Because the person teaching me, Brian here he knew that 00:10:28.00\00:10:31.95 if I continued to listen to that four to six hours a day 00:10:31.98\00:10:35.88 and continue to try to be angry on a perpetual basis 00:10:35.92\00:10:40.26 I wouldn't be able to listen or learn to become someone 00:10:40.29\00:10:44.60 who had someone best interest in mind. 00:10:44.63\00:10:46.73 - exactly because a lot of the anger is all self 00:10:46.76\00:10:50.72 focused and what he is trying to teach you is to be 00:10:50.76\00:10:54.69 other focused right now. - absolutely! 00:10:54.72\00:10:57.02 There were something I learned in my own recovery is 00:10:57.06\00:10:59.90 that I'm oversensitive and have all these abuse issues 00:10:59.93\00:11:03.35 and somebody said to me is that God created us to be 00:11:03.39\00:11:06.61 oversensitive, to be sensitive to the needs of others 00:11:06.64\00:11:09.83 not of our own, I thought oh stop, because mine 00:11:09.86\00:11:13.95 was always about me. 00:11:13.99\00:11:15.49 So it's like not being able to turn that around a 00:11:15.52\00:11:18.92 little bit and he's saying to break away from that 00:11:18.96\00:11:21.73 stuff so you can get it turned around, dialed in. 00:11:21.77\00:11:26.44 Cool. Awesome so now you're at a place where you're 00:11:26.47\00:11:30.56 starting to cut the music down because that is a 00:11:30.59\00:11:34.06 addiction, high adrenaline, high energy thing. 00:11:34.10\00:11:37.50 It is very addictive. - Well one thing I have noticed 00:11:37.54\00:11:41.15 I very much like freedom and it comes from being rejected 00:11:41.19\00:11:44.97 as a kid and I learned that I have this desire whether 00:11:45.01\00:11:48.30 it is sometimes healthy or sometimes not to be everything 00:11:48.33\00:11:52.49 to myself, so one thing I did was I took all the cd's 00:11:52.53\00:11:55.67 I had, probably several hundred of them and put them all 00:11:55.71\00:11:58.84 in a box and taped the box shut and put it in the trunk 00:11:58.87\00:12:01.97 of my car. - so I still have it. - I still have it 00:12:02.00\00:12:04.81 and can always go back to it if I want to because it's 00:12:04.85\00:12:07.63 right there, but knowing that I could gave me the 00:12:07.66\00:12:12.00 freedom to choose not to as well. 00:12:12.04\00:12:14.26 - exactly and for some of us that has to be the step. 00:12:14.29\00:12:18.29 When someone says, even when I say to somebody is that 00:12:18.33\00:12:21.43 you just have to get rid of that and see the panic in 00:12:21.46\00:12:24.84 their eyes, step back a little bit and take that step. 00:12:24.88\00:12:28.22 Just put it over here for a minute. 00:12:28.26\00:12:31.55 That's why people say with a lot of recovery programs to 00:12:31.58\00:12:35.86 take one day at a time. 00:12:35.89\00:12:37.56 We are not asking you to stay away from whatever has 00:12:37.60\00:12:41.12 got a hold on you for a eternity we are just asking you to 00:12:41.15\00:12:43.72 do right now and do it today. 00:12:43.76\00:12:45.29 - Even for this hour, that's awesome. 00:12:45.32\00:12:47.25 So that was the beginning of your journey. 00:12:47.28\00:12:51.25 - it was - that's awesome so now with that being cut out 00:12:51.29\00:12:56.90 your free to feel something other than anger? - yes. 00:12:56.94\00:13:02.52 But that is new too, so how does that feel? 00:13:02.56\00:13:05.11 Well it felt wonderful, he loaned me books on business, 00:13:05.14\00:13:09.32 Christian leadership of John C. Maxwell and different 00:13:09.35\00:13:13.01 authors like that and I went to a seminar, a man named 00:13:13.04\00:13:16.66 Leo Screven came up and did an All Power Seminar 00:13:16.70\00:13:18.88 and I attended that. 00:13:18.92\00:13:20.37 I love Leo, he's a good friend of mine. 00:13:20.41\00:13:22.28 So I started paying attention to all the sources of 00:13:22.31\00:13:25.31 wisdom and knowledge and just became acknowledged junkie. 00:13:25.35\00:13:30.84 Almost a sponge? - yes. 00:13:30.87\00:13:32.74 Can you remember, and this is something I remember in my 00:13:32.77\00:13:36.29 own recovery, can you remember the first time that you 00:13:36.33\00:13:39.90 laughed and it was an honest laugh in this part of your 00:13:39.94\00:13:43.47 journey? Did you just feel like oh? 00:13:43.51\00:13:45.76 I compensated with laughter for many reasons so I always used 00:13:45.80\00:13:51.60 laughter, it was always genuine. 00:13:51.64\00:13:53.72 An issue I had my house with my mom with her Aspergers 00:13:53.75\00:13:56.55 I would make a joke and she would be so oversensitive 00:13:56.58\00:13:59.14 and unable to understand that it was joke and would take 00:13:59.17\00:14:01.70 offense at everything I said. 00:14:01.73\00:14:02.85 So I had to find other places where to use humor. 00:14:02.88\00:14:06.66 That was never really an issue for me looking for genuine 00:14:06.69\00:14:10.69 laughter. - okay so now that you are starting to look at 00:14:10.73\00:14:14.66 the business thing and starting to get your legs underneath you 00:14:14.69\00:14:17.56 as far as the music with the 6 hours a day, the music is 00:14:17.60\00:14:21.81 releasing you and even opening up time which is amazing. 00:14:21.85\00:14:25.80 When people talk about addictions, like even the social 00:14:25.84\00:14:29.73 network addictions, or whatever addiction is that we spend 00:14:29.76\00:14:33.62 a large amount of time on those addictions 00:14:33.65\00:14:35.81 and when we get that freed up, what do you do with it? 00:14:35.85\00:14:39.19 You've gotten some business stuff, you're starting to 00:14:39.23\00:14:42.53 get your passion about that? 00:14:42.57\00:14:43.97 I'm starting to get my passion yeah, one thing 00:14:44.00\00:14:46.08 I had put on the back burner and completely 00:14:46.11\00:14:48.15 forgot about was writing. 00:14:48.18\00:14:49.57 I wrote stories when I was in first grade, 00:14:49.61\00:14:52.39 I was homeschooled and I wrote a story that I entered 00:14:52.43\00:14:55.13 into a contest run by PBS and I won it for 00:14:55.17\00:14:57.12 my state, for my grade. 00:14:57.15\00:14:59.27 - so you loved to write? - I love to write and then 00:14:59.31\00:15:02.48 through 3-5 grade I wrote two more books probably 00:15:02.51\00:15:05.20 about 30 pages long, not really big but they were 00:15:05.23\00:15:07.83 volunteer work and I was doing it because I loved it. 00:15:07.86\00:15:10.63 And then there was a dark time in my life when I went to 00:15:10.66\00:15:13.74 middle school and I was unprepared and didn't understand 00:15:13.78\00:15:16.81 social relationships so I tried to become stronger and 00:15:16.84\00:15:20.60 looking tough and more capable of generating fear in 00:15:20.64\00:15:24.37 other people so I could survive. 00:15:24.40\00:15:25.53 I can see you doing that yeah. 00:15:25.56\00:15:26.62 So I forgot about writing and took this idea of turning 00:15:26.65\00:15:29.96 these principles into a book that reawakened that desire. 00:15:29.99\00:15:34.81 So now I want you to talk about the whole principle and 00:15:34.84\00:15:39.62 looking at socially how people do. 00:15:39.66\00:15:42.68 What about that first thing that David talked about, that 00:15:42.72\00:15:46.34 trust? What did that look like in your life as you got 00:15:46.37\00:15:49.96 a hold of that I need to start? 00:15:49.99\00:15:52.40 Yeah, so there are three things that I learned from the 00:15:52.44\00:15:56.02 very first day, and even today I'm still working on them. 00:15:56.05\00:15:59.88 They are having integrity, having other people's best 00:15:59.91\00:16:03.71 interest in mind, and getting the job done. 00:16:03.74\00:16:06.85 I had integrity to a reasonable degree. 00:16:06.89\00:16:09.93 And I ended up getting the job done because that was what 00:16:09.96\00:16:12.33 my parents cared about the most. 00:16:12.37\00:16:13.84 But having other people's best interest in mind, now that 00:16:13.87\00:16:16.56 was an issue because it was pretty much nonexistent in my 00:16:16.59\00:16:19.24 household, so I didn't understand that that was a 00:16:19.27\00:16:22.35 component trust and when that was being violated, 00:16:22.38\00:16:25.39 I knew I was being violated, I knew there is something 00:16:25.43\00:16:28.13 wrong, but I had no way to express it because the people 00:16:28.16\00:16:31.10 to whom I would have to express it had no concept of it. 00:16:31.13\00:16:34.43 So I would be frustrated at not know why and think it was 00:16:34.46\00:16:37.89 wrong with me, but thank God I was able to learn about 00:16:37.92\00:16:40.93 these principles and I learned to know there is nothing 00:16:40.97\00:16:43.94 wrong with me, at least not in that aspect. 00:16:43.98\00:16:46.06 Having other people's best interest in mind is a 00:16:46.09\00:16:49.96 legitimate need and everybody including you David 00:16:50.00\00:16:53.84 has needs in other people. 00:16:53.87\00:16:55.65 I have to just say most people in recovery we are so self 00:16:55.68\00:17:04.24 focused, incredibly self focused. 00:17:04.27\00:17:07.19 So can you give us a little bit of a step, how do you go 00:17:07.23\00:17:13.98 from self focused to turning out and really caring about 00:17:14.01\00:17:18.65 the heart of the person in front of you, or the life of 00:17:18.69\00:17:23.29 the person in front of you? 00:17:23.33\00:17:24.87 Just having healthy relation- ships around you, watching 00:17:24.91\00:17:28.98 other people around you put aside their needs for a little 00:17:29.02\00:17:32.58 while to pay attention to you and knowing that those needs 00:17:32.62\00:17:36.15 are going to be met in the future. 00:17:36.19\00:17:38.34 Just because you set them down for a second, no one is 00:17:38.37\00:17:41.25 going to run away and grab them and you are going to see 00:17:41.28\00:17:44.12 those needs again if you care about them that much 00:17:44.15\00:17:47.57 they are not going to go away. 00:17:47.60\00:17:48.73 Exactly! And to me what a gift to even say this out loud 00:17:48.76\00:17:53.01 and being able to say to put them down for a moment and 00:17:53.05\00:17:56.22 know that they are just as important, but right now 00:17:56.26\00:17:59.36 I'm going to care for the person in front of me and they 00:17:59.40\00:18:02.32 are going to be everything right now in this moment I want 00:18:02.35\00:18:05.24 them to know that I care about your passion and 00:18:05.27\00:18:07.62 your needs and your dreams. 00:18:07.65\00:18:09.36 What we can do for each other that is a gift and being 00:18:09.39\00:18:12.80 able to like what you and Brian have talked about is 00:18:12.83\00:18:16.36 making that three people at first, not just everybody, 00:18:16.39\00:18:19.59 three people and then add a different level the 12, 00:18:19.63\00:18:22.80 and then a different level the 70. 00:18:22.83\00:18:24.49 But for these three people in my life I want to be so 00:18:24.53\00:18:28.80 involved in their lives that they know that I know who 00:18:28.84\00:18:33.08 they are, I see them. You know what I mean? 00:18:33.12\00:18:35.45 That is awesome. To me as you are talking of where 00:18:35.49\00:18:40.15 you grew up in the home you grew up this is incredible 00:18:40.18\00:18:43.88 it's almost like somebody put you on life support for 00:18:43.92\00:18:46.90 a moment and taught you this. You know what I mean? 00:18:46.94\00:18:49.83 Healing and that is huge. - will there is a reason that 00:18:49.87\00:18:52.73 these type or relationships are called lifeline 00:18:52.76\00:18:55.60 relationships, they are met to sustain you. 00:18:55.63\00:18:58.40 They are meant to pick you up when you are feeling down. 00:18:58.43\00:19:00.97 - exactly, and change everything. 00:19:01.01\00:19:03.46 What's really incredible about this kind of healing, 00:19:03.50\00:19:08.58 what you and Brian have put together is that if I can get 00:19:08.62\00:19:13.10 that, when I turn around to get my thing back, 00:19:13.14\00:19:17.85 when I pick it up because you said you set it aside and 00:19:17.89\00:19:20.47 look at a person in front of you. 00:19:20.50\00:19:21.71 But when I turn around and pick it up again it's more 00:19:21.74\00:19:25.25 substantial, because I've grown a little bit by being 00:19:25.29\00:19:28.77 able to connect with this person. 00:19:28.80\00:19:30.61 So my interest, my passions, my dreams actually become 00:19:30.65\00:19:35.54 more real because my relationships are more real so 00:19:35.57\00:19:40.43 it all goes together after a while. 00:19:40.46\00:19:42.06 There's a story that I would like to talk to about. 00:19:42.10\00:19:45.47 I basically took the Harvard business school version of 00:19:45.51\00:19:48.85 learning how to put aside my needs for a moment. 00:19:48.89\00:19:52.48 My mom came back from a mission trip teaching English in 00:19:52.51\00:19:56.03 South Korea, which was her first time overseas and it was 00:19:56.07\00:19:58.80 very exciting for her, but she came back in a wheelchair. 00:19:58.84\00:20:02.21 She had Lou Gehrig's disease which is a terminal illness 00:20:02.25\00:20:05.59 where the body painfully and slowly shuts down. 00:20:05.63\00:20:08.45 Starting with the fingers and working its way to the lungs 00:20:08.49\00:20:10.82 until you die. - wow, wow! - My mom didn't want 00:20:10.86\00:20:15.56 anyone to know that she was sick for a while and didn't 00:20:15.59\00:20:18.56 want to have anyone else help her so what I ended up 00:20:18.59\00:20:21.44 doing was that put aside my schooling and stopped the 00:20:21.47\00:20:25.20 business I was involved in and I spent my time learning 00:20:25.24\00:20:28.94 how to take care of her. 00:20:28.97\00:20:30.83 So I didn't have a nursing degree and I was scared of the 00:20:30.87\00:20:33.75 idea of doing nursing as a profession but I had to learn 00:20:33.79\00:20:37.00 how to take care of people outside of school and really 00:20:37.04\00:20:40.21 learn how to spend all my time with this woman 00:20:40.25\00:20:42.91 who brought me into this world and I spent six months. 00:20:42.94\00:20:45.50 - you still love her and was going through 00:20:45.53\00:20:48.11 this process with her. 00:20:48.14\00:20:49.48 Yeah and I was in real estate at the time and I had 00:20:49.51\00:20:52.07 made my first and last sale after about month six which 00:20:52.11\00:20:54.63 was the sale of my childhood home to pay for the 00:20:54.67\00:20:57.26 medical care that she needed and she was able to 00:20:57.29\00:20:59.85 rely on that for the rest of her life. 00:20:59.88\00:21:01.72 Wow to me I can't imagine, I really can see how God 00:21:01.76\00:21:08.39 used that to you outside of yourself but I can't imagine 00:21:08.43\00:21:11.11 emotionally, you'd then felt everything from joy to 00:21:11.14\00:21:15.51 despair. - Um Hmm. - during that time. 00:21:15.54\00:21:19.12 Did she survive, is she still alive? 00:21:19.15\00:21:22.66 No she's not, she died two weeks before her 60th birthday 00:21:22.69\00:21:27.48 in 2009. - Wow - and I had already bought a plane ticket 00:21:27.51\00:21:32.40 to come up and visit her and all I was going to do was 00:21:32.43\00:21:33.76 finish my final exams and go up and she died before my final 00:21:33.79\00:21:38.00 exams were completed. 00:21:38.03\00:21:39.72 I'm sorry about your mom, I'm thrilled that you were in 00:21:39.75\00:21:44.17 a place where you can care for her and that you could 00:21:44.21\00:21:47.93 go in and put things aside and just so you know what, 00:21:47.97\00:21:51.29 I'm actually here for you in whatever you need during 00:21:51.33\00:21:54.62 this time. That is incredible. 00:21:54.65\00:21:57.18 It wasn't easy, it was one of the most difficult 00:21:57.22\00:21:59.51 experiences in my life, but I am glad I went through it now. 00:21:59.54\00:22:01.78 It changed you? -Um Hmmm. 00:22:01.82\00:22:03.50 What's really for a lot of us is that we think that as 00:22:03.53\00:22:09.13 we learn these things and we come into healing as 00:22:09.17\00:22:11.97 we figure it out that everything is going to work out but 00:22:12.00\00:22:15.43 life still happens, tragedy still happens but we have 00:22:15.47\00:22:18.86 tools that grow us during those tragedies. 00:22:18.90\00:22:23.47 So tell me more about your journey? 00:22:23.51\00:22:29.79 I mean the journey with your parents it sounds like you were 00:22:29.82\00:22:35.42 able to resolve some of that anger stuff and during the 00:22:35.46\00:22:39.49 time you cared for her in the last part of her life being 00:22:39.52\00:22:43.52 able to resolve some of that and understand her at a 00:22:43.56\00:22:46.37 different level. - it was, there were a couple times were we came 00:22:46.40\00:22:50.25 a head because she had trouble understanding 00:22:50.29\00:22:52.14 emotions and she was relying on me not as her 3 or her 00:22:52.17\00:22:57.84 12 but as her 1 and 1 and so she had a lot of needs and 00:22:57.88\00:23:03.51 only need to meet them. 00:23:03.54\00:23:05.17 One thing that was great about her is that she read her 00:23:05.21\00:23:07.90 Bible every day, she prayed and she made a dramatic 00:23:07.94\00:23:10.68 transformation in her life and she became much more 00:23:10.71\00:23:13.18 peaceful and she was going through these last several 00:23:13.21\00:23:15.64 months then when I seen her when she was well. 00:23:15.68\00:23:17.54 Well, so you got to see that. 00:23:17.57\00:23:19.49 I'm going to go him take a break and then bring Brian 00:23:19.52\00:23:23.55 backup so that we can close this out with the two of you 00:23:23.59\00:23:27.87 because I got a really good sense of your journey and 00:23:27.90\00:23:31.73 I am so, I don't know if it's appropriate for me to say 00:23:31.76\00:23:35.36 I'm so proud of you, but the things you have looked at 00:23:35.40\00:23:38.72 and the things that you have confronted and the steps 00:23:38.76\00:23:42.05 you have made, how cool is that? 00:23:42.08\00:23:44.12 I just want to say praise God for that, you could have 00:23:44.16\00:23:47.48 said no along the way, you could set I'm not put many 00:23:47.51\00:23:50.65 music aside, I'm not looking at any of this stuff but 00:23:50.69\00:23:53.79 you didn't you said yes to all of it. 00:23:53.82\00:23:55.38 And in our recovery the only way we are going to get 00:23:55.41\00:23:58.28 healing and recovery is when we start saying yes, even 00:23:58.32\00:24:01.11 against the things that we know have worked in our life. 00:24:01.15\00:24:04.19 I'm proud of you that you did that. We're going ahead 00:24:04.22\00:24:06.89 and take a break and I want to bring Brian back up and 00:24:06.92\00:24:11.12 have a sense of how all this fit in and how they are 00:24:11.16\00:24:14.71 helping people stand up and hopefully somebody is 00:24:14.75\00:24:17.98 listening and you hear the fact that when you start 00:24:18.01\00:24:21.11 saying you want to change God will put things in place 00:24:21.14\00:24:24.20 that will just wow you, absolutely wow you. 00:24:24.23\00:24:27.15 Be right back, stay with us! 00:24:27.19\00:24:29.03