Welcome back, so we are
talking with Ashley and talking
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Ashley about the whole
journey you've had as far as
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coming to God and I got to
be at the part of almost the
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beginning of that.
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You went to the Ty Gibson
program with Acts, then God
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started moving you in
the direction of recovery.
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You talked about right before
the break is that one of the
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bigger things that He asked
you to look at was the hockey.
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As you said you lived hockey,
you have been playing it all
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your life, you were good
at it, and He is I want you to
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walk away from this right now.
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Yeah it was hard and you
know when you came though, I had
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already given up the hockey
a couple weeks before and I
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knew that was something I
needed to do because I had felt
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impressed by God and He
had been actually working on it
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with me for about four years.
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Did you know it was because
all of your time was here?
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That this was what you
used to cover everything?
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I did but I didn't, I guess
I did know that I was pretty
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much addicted to it, but at
the same time I didn't really
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want to admit it because I
loved it so much and actually
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felt like I
belonged and felt importance,
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so I didn't want to walk away.
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- so I didn't feel that
anywhere else. - no exactly.
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Then it was just a
crazy ride after that.
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So it is really interesting
in what I saw was the fact
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that I'm looking at you
and knowing that right now
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you didn't know who you
were, or where you were,
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when you locked down, or
the last time you were really
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in touch with yourself so
I think I said to you some
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thing like you need to
find that little girl where ever
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she shut down. You
said I don't even know.
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I had no idea, you know I
had been thinking okay maybe
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it was when I was a baby,
or maybe it was when I was,
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I had all these
different things that
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I thought maybe it was.
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And let me just say for
people that probably didn't
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understand what I just said
is that when I was little girl
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about three years old,
I know that at that moment
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something happened in our
household that I completely shut
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off and I don't even remember
years after that because I
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just closed off just to survive.
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I think that is what I was
responding to, at what age,
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at what time do you
remember losing yourself?
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I had no idea, I really
didn't and I just kept praying
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about it, I kept God okay
where was it? I need to find
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that little girl? And
I really tried on my own.
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I tried so hard
to try and find her.
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It was just not happening
and it wasn't until probably
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six months later, if not
more when I was just laying
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there and I could not
sleep, just could not sleep.
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I was like what is going
on? I have to work tomorrow
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what is going on? It was
like two o'clock in the morning
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at this point in time and
I was like okay God I can't,
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what's going on? Because I
don't know what's going on?
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He took me back to the
moment when that little girl was
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lost and I was sexually
abused at one point in my life
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and that was the
moment He took me to.
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He it was like, are you
kidding me? I had completely
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pushed it out of my mind,
completely blocked it out.
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The more I have tried to
recover from all that and heal
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from that the last year
the more real it has been
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to me that yeah that was it.
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That was the moment I
stopped caring about myself.
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You started gaining weight?
- I started gaining weight.
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I started hiding food, I
started to really submerging
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into the hockey
because it was like
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I am not going to feel anything.
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Like I'm going to focus
my time in all my space in
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something else because I am
not going to think about this.
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And you have to think
about too is hockey is a very,
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you come close enough, I mean
if I can hit you with a stick,
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it's a very like I can
be aggressive and I can
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be that and nobody is
going to take advantage of me.
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It's like I watched as you
started to say this is what
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happened and I watch this
kid come up that really is
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going to take care of
myself and defend myself.
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It's crazy because as I
was laying there I said no I'm
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not going to deal
with this, I can't do this.
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- it will kill me. - it's
going to be the death of me.
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And it was like God just
whispered and part of the reason
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why He showed me that too
was because I had spent from the
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time I was in college so much
time on the Internet chatting
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with men on different Christian
sites and stuff like that.
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It was really inappropriate
conversations, but I felt
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special, - I felt I belonged
there even if it's just for
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a moment - exactly, even if
it is just this one guy that
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says I love you and I'm oh
really, yea like yea somebody
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actually loves
me, but they didn't.
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It was just like
they really didn't.
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When did the cutting
come into all this too.
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The cutting actually
was more in high school.
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- 14 or 15? Yeah
around 15 -16 probably.
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Because I want to know to
get a picture of this spin
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that starts happening and
that starts literally spinning
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out of control and the
more I spin the more I grab hold
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of anything that is going
to help me feel like I fit.
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I spent a lot of time drinking
as well and that came in
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on a hockey trip and for
the first time when I was 16.
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Even though it was a long
time before I drank again,
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it slowly started to creep
in and even though I wouldn't
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say I was an alcoholic,
but it did play in as another
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distraction, as another
thing to keep me from dealing
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with what was really going on.
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- Another Band-Aid
- another Band-Aid.
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You know and in recover
sense, because we are talking
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about recovery issues and
recovery sense is that it is
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like I don't want to feel,
I don't want to be me, I don't
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want to do any of that stuff
so we just grab hold of almost
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automatically
grab hold of things.
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That night that God showed
me that I had to parent myself
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and I had to say no it's okay
it's just you and me and God.
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That's it, there's nobody
else here, we can do this.
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I'm not being molested
right now, I am safe right now.
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- exactly and you know. -
and it's time to look at it
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for sure and it was I
cried and I cried and I cried
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which was good because
one of the things I remember
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telling you too when
you were in McBride was that
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I actually had for the
longest time just this hardened
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shell and wall so
high that I never cried.
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Even though I wanted to and
should have been, there were
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so many times where
something sad would happen and
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I felt it inside at a
funeral and feeling so sad,
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but not being able
to cry, I just couldn't.
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It was like what
is wrong with me?
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I am like messed
up, something is wrong.
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Even feeling that is
like, and I hate the way our
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addictions do us, because
even feeling that now I feel
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more abnormal and so something
is really wrong with me.
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Maybe I am crazy and I
really believe there is a devil
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that sits right on our
shoulder and says absolutely.
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Look at you,
everybody else is crying,
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what's wrong with you?
Or everybody else fits in,
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what's wrong with you? The
more we spin the more we feel
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like somehow something is
horribly wrong with me and it
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spins me again. - you know
one of the biggest things is
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part of the main reason is
not just in a distraction from
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that, part of the reason
why I was doing the chatting and
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stuff was because I was so
lonely, I just felt so alone.
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It was crazy and like I
said before I never really felt
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God's presence was
really there and feel that year
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you came and I heard Ty Gibson.
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There were so many
things coming up that made it,
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so many things happened after
you came to make God so real
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to me that I knew that
I was going to be okay.
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You open up your life instead
- I really started opening
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up in one of the biggest things
that was so hard was I had
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to go on, that July, I
gone to a friends house and had
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a couple of drinks and
came home and my dog was gone.
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She was like my best friend,
I felt not as lonely because
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I had my dog. - I was really
afraid for you during that
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time period - it was so
bad at once she was gone it was
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like what has happened
and I spent that whole weekend
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drinking and not
feeling anything.
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I just surround myself
with alcohol and then ironically
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I had, it sounds hypocritical
to me because I've been
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having Bible studies every
Sunday starting them and here
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I was going to have a
Bible study on Sunday and I just
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spent all Saturday
drinking, like what is going on?
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I'm such a hypocrite
and then it was so amazing.
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- wait, wait I want to
time out on that because
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I love that I really believe
that I am such a hypocrite
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is right from the enemy's
camp because what God says you
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are so afraid, and you
are so hurt, and these are the
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things that always
worked for you and you grabbed
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hold of them again.
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But God is yelling out to
all of us addicts is it never
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has really worked, it
robs you of years and years and
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years but to me when I
hear messages now of hypocrite
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and all that kind of
stuff, I know exactly
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what camp that's coming from.
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God is so gentle, He's so
gentle but that is what your
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feeling is - that is what
I was feeling at the moment.
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Then that Sunday I was
sitting there preparing for my
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Bible study, about
Angels was a topic that night.
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Before anybody was going
to come, the funny thing is
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nobody actually ended up
showing up that night except
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for me and God and
it was like oh okay.
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What is going on? I was
sitting there and writing things
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out and all of a sudden
it wasn't an audible voice,
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I just heard this, like
my dog would meet me at the
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other side of the door, she'd
see me pull-up and would run
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inside and I would hear
her running down the hall and
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then I would hear her
scratching on the door and
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she couldn't wait for me to
come home, she was so excited.
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She was snuggle up with me
on the couch watching TV or
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whatever, she would follow
me around like a little shadow.
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So all of a sudden I'm sitting
there I hear this Ashley,
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I want to be the one that
meets you on the other side of
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the door when you come home.
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I want to be the one snuggling
while you are watching TV.
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I want to be the one that's
licking your face, or kissing
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your face when you are having
a hard time and holding you,
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and I was just like
whoa, where did that come from?
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Like whoa. - the
incredible intimacy with God.
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Let it be Me. - I never
really felt like God was more
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real than that moment and I
knew even though it was hard
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that I was going to be okay.
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In a sense how cool is
God? In a sense He is saying
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let Me take everything
you have used for a security
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blanket that really hasn't
worked, let Me be that and
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I will pour into your
life the things that are real.
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It is like, that exchange
happens in our recovery and that
00:12:01.51\00:12:06.46
is what is the most
incredible thing I think
00:12:06.49\00:12:08.56
about healing in
our journey, is that
00:12:08.60\00:12:10.28
He says let
that exchange happen.
00:12:10.31\00:12:11.93
You are now in a
place where that is starting
00:12:11.96\00:12:14.60
to happen, how did
He get you to look at
00:12:14.63\00:12:18.36
the whole molests thing?
00:12:18.39\00:12:21.49
It has been mostly in the
last six months I would say
00:12:21.52\00:12:25.62
when it has really started
to come up, because again
00:12:25.65\00:12:29.83
I ran from it to try and
not have to deal with it.
00:12:29.86\00:12:35.25
You had a couple different
incidents of molesting?
00:12:35.28\00:12:41.15
Yeah and it was hard because
I've always felt not good
00:12:41.18\00:12:47.11
enough, always felt like ugly
or whatever and the thing is
00:12:47.14\00:12:53.03
that is such a
lie. - it is a lie.
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I know that now but I was
in so much time hiding behind
00:12:56.35\00:13:00.88
my baggy clothes,
hoodies and whatever and try and
00:13:00.91\00:13:05.05
lose weight and I
couldn't and stuff.
00:13:05.09\00:13:06.81
It wasn't until about six
months ago that I realized
00:13:06.84\00:13:11.53
that I had found, really
found that little girl and
00:13:11.57\00:13:15.99
I needed to not just recognize
she was there but really
00:13:16.02\00:13:20.41
help her to heal, and
love her and bring her up to
00:13:20.44\00:13:24.33
where I am now.
00:13:24.36\00:13:25.66
- let her grow up? -
yes exactly let her grow up.
00:13:25.70\00:13:28.71
So a lot of my healing has
actually happened mostly in
00:13:28.74\00:13:33.18
the last three months
but it has just been crazy.
00:13:33.21\00:13:37.50
He has helped me to realize
that, that moment it changed
00:13:37.54\00:13:43.59
everything and I started
seeing everything differently.
00:13:43.63\00:13:49.94
In a negative way of course,
like I always thought the
00:13:49.98\00:13:56.26
worse in stuff and that
He's brought me to that.
00:13:56.29\00:14:00.11
- even during that time
and for a lot of people don't
00:14:00.14\00:14:03.38
know this about you, at that
time you had someone in your
00:14:03.42\00:14:06.35
life that was telling
you, you are fat, you are ugly,
00:14:06.38\00:14:09.62
you're stupid, and so
you are hearing that message.
00:14:09.66\00:14:12.83
- yeah I was hearing that
all growing up in my teen years
00:14:12.87\00:14:16.62
and so that was the hugest
part of the healing that took
00:14:16.66\00:14:21.08
place when you came because
I had always been stuck in
00:14:21.12\00:14:24.91
this negative rut and could
not get out of it no matter
00:14:24.95\00:14:28.47
what I tried. Even though
I had the hockey I was still
00:14:28.50\00:14:31.36
hard on myself, because I
would be like I could've scored
00:14:31.40\00:14:34.03
six goals in that game and
found one thing that was wrong
00:14:34.06\00:14:36.66
I was dwelling on.
00:14:36.69\00:14:38.08
My team was like Ashley's good
job and I'm sitting and saying
00:14:38.11\00:14:41.69
what ever did
you see what I did?
00:14:41.72\00:14:42.83
Obviously you wasn't
watching the same game as me.
00:14:42.86\00:14:45.61
I was so hard on myself. -
it was amazing when we first
00:14:45.65\00:14:49.48
met, I could see that you
put yourself down more than
00:14:49.51\00:14:53.31
anybody that I had
met in a long time.
00:14:53.35\00:14:55.96
It was funny, I mean you
were funny but you were slammed
00:14:56.00\00:14:59.95
every time you made a joke.
00:14:59.98\00:15:02.00
Yeah and it is funny because
after I went home that night
00:15:02.04\00:15:06.44
from the anointing, He
really, well even that night,
00:15:06.48\00:15:11.17
He said no Ashley you're
beautiful and you're smart and
00:15:11.20\00:15:16.92
your Mine and I'm just
like whoa, okay. It was crazy.
00:15:16.95\00:15:21.24
So now as you're stepping
into healing, as you are
00:15:21.27\00:15:24.89
looking at these issues
and some of them are really
00:15:24.93\00:15:28.49
difficult, without the
things that used to work, not
00:15:28.53\00:15:31.45
saying you have a relapse
because I know that you have.
00:15:31.48\00:15:34.63
You stood right back up
again which I am so proud of you
00:15:34.67\00:15:37.95
with, but as I get looking
at these things through the
00:15:37.99\00:15:41.24
eyes of God what has
your journey been like?
00:15:41.27\00:15:44.19
My journey has been incredible,
it has been absolutely
00:15:44.23\00:15:49.02
incredible, the last few
months my eyes have been opened
00:15:49.05\00:15:53.64
so much to people around me
that are going through similar
00:15:53.68\00:15:58.24
things and I never
would have seen that before.
00:15:58.27\00:16:01.25
I was so stuck in the negativity
that I only saw my stuff.
00:16:01.29\00:16:05.23
I didn't see anybody else,
and it wasn't that I didn't
00:16:05.27\00:16:09.18
care, I always
cared about people.
00:16:09.21\00:16:11.60
I just wasn't capable of
it, I didn't care about myself
00:16:11.63\00:16:15.99
so how could I, you know,
I didn't want to face my junk
00:16:16.02\00:16:19.50
so how could I focus and
see anybody else's hurting?
00:16:19.54\00:16:22.95
In the last few months it
has just been insane I have been
00:16:22.98\00:16:26.71
opening up and
people open up to me.
00:16:26.75\00:16:29.37
God has been helping out
in the youth room now. - and
00:16:29.40\00:16:32.84
you want to care about
their hearts. - exactly.
00:16:32.88\00:16:35.09
And that is what is
amazing. - exactly and now I am
00:16:35.13\00:16:37.27
working with these young
people that are starting to get
00:16:37.31\00:16:41.01
to those places and
feeling those temptations to do
00:16:41.04\00:16:43.66
things that I have done.
00:16:43.70\00:16:45.55
I feel like I need to give
back and so now I am working
00:16:45.58\00:16:48.65
in the youth room in
helping teach the Sabbath school
00:16:48.69\00:16:51.72
lesson and just be an
honest with them and real,
00:16:51.76\00:16:53.84
I mean you have to be and
before I wouldn't have been.
00:16:53.87\00:16:56.56
I would have just sat
there with my mouth shut and
00:16:56.60\00:17:00.54
I would've said anything,
but now our lesson quarterly
00:17:00.57\00:17:03.95
has been amazing too because
it has been all about that.
00:17:03.99\00:17:07.34
All about emotions
this whole quarter.
00:17:07.37\00:17:10.18
This whole quarter has
been incredible so far.
00:17:10.22\00:17:12.67
Things will come up in
Sabbath school with the young
00:17:12.70\00:17:15.73
people and they are
asking real things about sex and
00:17:15.76\00:17:18.75
drugs like real stuff
and I will just tell them
00:17:18.78\00:17:23.35
you don't have to do
that you don't have to.
00:17:23.39\00:17:27.89
We live in a society, when
you say that you don't have
00:17:27.92\00:17:31.94
to do that, we live in a
society where everybody talks
00:17:31.98\00:17:35.96
about everything and
have even experimentation
00:17:35.99\00:17:42.04
with sexual stuff, to be
on the Internet and go to chat
00:17:42.07\00:17:45.44
rooms and talk
about sexual stuff.
00:17:45.48\00:17:47.44
Same-sex kind of stuff is
so out there and so okay if
00:17:47.48\00:17:52.67
somebody doesn't have a
place to talk about that, that
00:17:52.70\00:17:57.86
is where we get in
trouble. - exactly.
00:17:57.90\00:17:59.90
I'm not afraid of the
discussion. - exactly and
00:17:59.94\00:18:02.16
I always just wanted people
to be real with me growing up
00:18:02.20\00:18:08.45
and I always wanted
people just to tell me things.
00:18:08.48\00:18:11.99
People told me things
after I was an adult and I
00:18:12.03\00:18:14.74
thought if you would
have told me when I was a kid
00:18:14.77\00:18:17.45
I wouldn't have
been feeling all of this,
00:18:17.49\00:18:19.25
like are you kidding me?
00:18:19.29\00:18:20.79
Why didn't you tell me this
when I was 13 and I would have
00:18:20.83\00:18:23.42
totally thought of it
differently and done things
00:18:23.45\00:18:25.99
differently, so now I'm
choosing now to let God take me
00:18:26.02\00:18:32.18
through this journey and
let Him help me and fix me so
00:18:32.21\00:18:38.34
that I can help
other people too.
00:18:38.37\00:18:39.78
I've had people come to me
that I never thought even for
00:18:39.82\00:18:43.81
a day were hurting, I'm
like they're always have a smile
00:18:43.84\00:18:47.80
their face and everything.
And I'm like what? What?
00:18:47.84\00:18:51.40
So all of a sudden you're
coming into a relationship
00:18:51.44\00:18:54.93
with God and experiencing
the healing and the joy of that
00:18:54.97\00:18:57.80
and then reaching out and
offering that to someone else.
00:18:57.83\00:19:00.63
That is the
gospel, that is recovery.
00:19:00.67\00:19:02.97
We are going to open it up
for questions which I think
00:19:03.00\00:19:05.79
it's going to be fun and
so what I would like to do
00:19:05.83\00:19:08.47
because I know a few of
you have questions and Pelicia
00:19:08.50\00:19:10.98
I know you wanted to ask
her something so I'm going to
00:19:11.02\00:19:13.46
turn it over to
you first and go ahead.
00:19:13.50\00:19:18.58
We do know I have been sitting
here listening at you and
00:19:18.61\00:19:22.68
you are talking about all
the stuff that has gone on in
00:19:22.72\00:19:26.27
your life and I would
like to know, I have grandkids
00:19:26.31\00:19:29.56
myself and they are
young, how old were you when you
00:19:29.60\00:19:33.20
started hiding and started
doing things that you didn't
00:19:33.23\00:19:36.79
want your parents to
know while hiding from them?
00:19:36.83\00:19:40.15
I was probably around
13. - 13. - when it started,
00:19:40.19\00:19:43.45
when I started hiding things,
I started hiding food and
00:19:43.48\00:19:48.20
wearing baggy clothes and
not really caring about how
00:19:48.23\00:19:52.42
I looked or anything
really, you around 13 years old.
00:19:52.46\00:19:56.61
Did you ever lose
interest in academics?
00:19:56.65\00:19:59.12
I did actually, started to grade
8 and 9 I did really well still,
00:19:59.15\00:20:06.76
but it was probably
grade 10 when I would have been
00:20:06.80\00:20:10.87
around 16 when I started
to not do so well in math and
00:20:10.90\00:20:14.94
that was always my best subject.
00:20:14.97\00:20:16.74
I was always
really good in math.
00:20:16.77\00:20:18.46
I just didn't care anymore,
I just didn't study very hard
00:20:18.50\00:20:22.89
in my first year of college
I didn't do well either and
00:20:22.93\00:20:26.90
it wasn't until my second
year that God had told me that
00:20:26.94\00:20:30.88
summer through a friend
that Day Care was the road
00:20:30.92\00:20:35.76
He wanted me to go and that's
when I actually started to
00:20:35.80\00:20:38.65
try a little more
with the schooling.
00:20:38.69\00:20:41.35
But yeah academics was huge.
00:20:41.38\00:20:42.89
I have a comment for you
too, I was just noticing as you
00:20:42.93\00:20:46.79
were talking about when
God was talking to you and that
00:20:46.82\00:20:50.03
relationships were so important,
your friends, our peers,
00:20:50.06\00:20:52.94
and everything and we are
created for relationships but
00:20:52.97\00:20:55.84
the time you say God was
speaking to you, He brought
00:20:55.88\00:20:58.99
things to you and He made
Himself clearer to you is when
00:20:59.03\00:21:02.11
you were by yourself.
00:21:02.14\00:21:03.32
I think that is so important
to know that we need to make
00:21:03.36\00:21:07.44
time to hear God talk to us
and not be surrounded always
00:21:07.48\00:21:11.53
with people. -
absolutely - I love that.
00:21:11.56\00:21:14.60
Especially when we start
out in recovery and there is a
00:21:14.64\00:21:18.93
saying in most recovery
program, we talked about all the
00:21:18.97\00:21:23.23
different recovery
programs of this series.
00:21:23.26\00:21:25.17
But in most recovery programs
there is a saying that the
00:21:25.21\00:21:28.02
best of what you have
got you to where you're at.
00:21:28.05\00:21:31.75
It's got to be that we
stop and decide to spend time
00:21:31.78\00:21:35.44
with God because God
is going to bring us out.
00:21:35.48\00:21:38.11
Don't lean on your own under-
standing, don't lean on your
00:21:38.15\00:21:41.30
own thinking, I even sometimes
I'll shut my eyes and say
00:21:41.33\00:21:44.45
Jesus is that how you
want me to think about this?
00:21:44.48\00:21:47.91
I stopped speaking at that
point and I feel like Jesus
00:21:47.94\00:21:51.33
said sometimes absolutely not.
00:21:51.37\00:21:53.47
I love you or like I love
to exaggerate, I don't know
00:21:53.50\00:21:57.64
if anybody has noticed that,
I'd love stories and I love
00:21:57.67\00:22:01.78
exaggerating I'm
sanguine and all that stuff.
00:22:01.81\00:22:04.48
I'll start to say something
and I will hear the Holy
00:22:04.51\00:22:07.77
Spirit say don't go
there because that's not true.
00:22:07.81\00:22:11.19
And it may be funnier,
but it is not true so I think
00:22:11.23\00:22:14.58
that's those times where
we actually slowed down and
00:22:14.61\00:22:17.93
are with God that are important.
00:22:17.96\00:22:19.84
Ashley something what
police have said to me as far as
00:22:19.87\00:22:24.64
her having grandbabies
and they are going into an age
00:22:24.67\00:22:28.31
when you were in all this
stuff that started happening,
00:22:28.35\00:22:32.09
can you tell us some more
about the things that were
00:22:32.13\00:22:35.17
obvious about you that
somebody could have caught?
00:22:35.20\00:22:38.17
I think a lot of it was
that I was the very bubbly happy
00:22:38.21\00:22:43.94
person before that, and
I just had fun, I just had
00:22:43.98\00:22:51.86
a genuine smile on my face
slowly it wasn't very obvious at
00:22:51.89\00:22:56.61
first, but slowly that joy
started to leave my life and
00:22:56.64\00:23:00.14
I would stare down at
the floor when I would walk,
00:23:00.18\00:23:03.65
or stare down at the
sidewalk and not feel like
00:23:03.68\00:23:07.35
I was good enough, or not
feel like things like that.
00:23:07.39\00:23:11.16
Other things were more
obvious was hiding the food,
00:23:11.19\00:23:16.37
gaining weight, not caring
so much about appearance so
00:23:16.41\00:23:22.47
much and I would just get
out of bed, have a shower and
00:23:22.50\00:23:28.52
put my hair in a
ponytail or just wear it down.
00:23:28.56\00:23:31.98
Like I never really
wanted to be really beautiful.
00:23:32.02\00:23:35.38
Have you ever thought about
one time this women came up
00:23:35.41\00:23:39.54
for prayer and we were
at a woman's retreat and
00:23:39.58\00:23:42.33
she was coming up
for prayer for weight.
00:23:42.36\00:23:43.91
As she was walking up I heard
the Holy Spirit, not a voice,
00:23:43.95\00:23:47.91
just an impression of the
Holy Spirit saying to me this is
00:23:47.95\00:23:51.88
a molested woman and her
weight has protected her all
00:23:51.92\00:23:56.16
these years and if you pray
for the weight and you don't
00:23:56.19\00:24:00.40
deal with the
protection she'll get scared.
00:24:00.43\00:24:02.93
So I said to her can we
pray that as you lose weight and
00:24:02.96\00:24:07.12
become more attractive and
beautiful that the molestation
00:24:07.16\00:24:11.28
won't come up for
you in the same way?
00:24:11.32\00:24:13.53
So the molestation was the
issue, like right now you are
00:24:13.56\00:24:17.12
losing weight and
figuring out who you are.
00:24:17.15\00:24:18.83
There has to be a little
fear of that, if I lose weight
00:24:18.87\00:24:22.33
and am attractive, what if
I draw that kind of attention?
00:24:22.37\00:24:25.80
It is not safe. - oh
absolutely I did it as a way to
00:24:25.84\00:24:30.52
protect myself, as a
way to not be hurt again.
00:24:30.56\00:24:34.04
I had trouble for so many
years to lose weight that I
00:24:34.07\00:24:37.94
would always lose maybe 18
pounds and no more than that.
00:24:37.98\00:24:41.96
It was I just I couldn't figure
it out and was so frustrated
00:24:42.00\00:24:45.95
with it and was so tired
of being the fat friend or the
00:24:45.99\00:24:50.77
one with pretty face or
just the one with the beautiful
00:24:50.80\00:24:55.55
voice, or the one that's good
at hockey, or the one that's
00:24:55.58\00:24:59.19
whatever it happens to be,
like the fun one and stuff.
00:24:59.22\00:25:02.87
I wanted to be beautiful,
like really beautiful and it
00:25:02.90\00:25:06.51
wasn't until I started
dealing with all of this.
00:25:06.55\00:25:10.17
Doing the dental work
and stuff and everything is
00:25:10.20\00:25:13.76
starting, I'm starting to
feel in really know deep down
00:25:13.79\00:25:19.61
that I am worth it.
00:25:19.64\00:25:21.45
Again, we didn't talk about
the dental work, but even taking
00:25:21.49\00:25:26.11
care of yourself in that
way you hadn't take care of
00:25:26.15\00:25:28.13
yourself as far as the dental
work or any of that stuff.
00:25:28.17\00:25:30.12
You really did say I'm
just going to be this hockey
00:25:30.15\00:25:33.97
player, I'm just
going to be this one.
00:25:34.01\00:25:35.73
And if I am unattractive
then nobody will hurt me again.
00:25:35.77\00:25:40.14
Even though I craved the
male attention and looked for
00:25:40.17\00:25:43.94
that - on line - online
and stuff - online so you can
00:25:43.98\00:25:47.32
take it there. - They
couldn't see me - they couldn't
00:25:47.36\00:25:50.69
see you and they could hurt
you because it was all in our
00:25:50.73\00:25:54.03
heads. - yeah exactly.
00:25:54.06\00:25:55.84
and it's really incredible, I
guess the reason I want to stop
00:25:55.88\00:26:00.19
on all those points is
it's incredible to watch your
00:26:00.22\00:26:02.78
journey, it's incredible
to watch any of our journeys
00:26:02.82\00:26:05.35
where all of a
sudden God says we are
00:26:05.38\00:26:07.60
going to strip
everything and make it real.
00:26:07.64\00:26:09.87
None of the online
relationships were real.
00:26:09.90\00:26:12.06
You had no idea, I had a
girlfriend and I really hate to
00:26:12.09\00:26:14.69
say this because I probably
might get fired but I had a
00:26:14.72\00:26:17.48
girlfriend that had a sex line
that she made her living at.
00:26:17.52\00:26:20.73
She was 300 and something
pounds but she could be on the
00:26:20.77\00:26:23.95
line and sound as sexy as ever.
00:26:23.98\00:26:26.78
She really did all that stuff,
but she wasn't any of that.
00:26:26.82\00:26:30.57
So God says you know what?
We are dying with what we put
00:26:30.61\00:26:34.50
around us as Band-Aids, I
actually want to give you life
00:26:34.53\00:26:38.39
and like more abundantly.
00:26:38.42\00:26:40.33
I want your relationships
to be real, I want your heart
00:26:40.37\00:26:44.14
to feel it, I want when you
laugh to actually be a laugh.
00:26:44.18\00:26:47.91
And you know that is the
thing that He has really been
00:26:47.95\00:26:51.18
working on me the last
few months that I have been
00:26:51.22\00:26:54.42
doing the dental work.
00:26:54.45\00:26:55.55
It wasn't until November
that I started doing it and like
00:26:55.59\00:26:58.89
I told Him I'm going - and
I can smile now and smile big
00:26:58.92\00:27:02.16
and not hide my face anymore,
and I told you earlier in the
00:27:02.19\00:27:07.22
day that I will walk by the
mirror now and smile and say
00:27:07.26\00:27:12.26
man they look good.
00:27:12.29\00:27:13.99
It's crazy because
before I just wouldn't, I would
00:27:14.03\00:27:21.98
hide my smile and hide my teeth.
00:27:22.02\00:27:24.14
And God is sitting there and
you didn't even know it needed
00:27:24.17\00:27:28.07
to be addressed. - exactly until
it was a whole week of pain
00:27:28.10\00:27:31.97
that I finally
said it was enough.
00:27:32.00\00:27:34.83
- you have to go in? - yep.
00:27:34.86\00:27:36.24
You know we are really lucky
that God just says you know
00:27:36.28\00:27:39.38
what I am taking you in,
I'm taking you into recovery.
00:27:39.42\00:27:42.00
We're going to go ahead
and take a break and come back
00:27:42.04\00:27:44.15
for the close, can you
stay for the close with me?
00:27:44.18\00:27:46.26
- Yeah sure. - Okay good.
00:27:46.30\00:27:47.35
We will be right back and
stay with us, I love her and
00:27:47.39\00:27:51.06
I love her recovery
story I wanted to say
00:27:51.09\00:27:54.19
a few things about that.
00:27:54.22\00:27:55.95