Welcome to
Celebrating Life In Recovery,
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I'm Cheri your host.
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We get hit with a ton of
things in life, but you know
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what? The one thing I know
for sure is that God is bigger
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then all of those things
and His goal is our recovery.
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We are going to talk
about that today, join us.
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Okay this season we
are looking at step four.
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For people who do not like
steps, it is just a process.
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We are looking at what is
underneath all of our junk.
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What is interesting, I'm
going to read some of the
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personal inventory stuff that
we have worked with this far
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as in our ministry when we
look at doing fearless moral
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inventory, and we start
looking at the underlying core
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issues are we look at
bitterness, pride, rebellion,
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materialism, immoral
thoughts and actions.
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You know Palischer I'm
inviting you on this program and
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we are going to look at
some of this as it relates to
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your life, and tell
me any so far? - oh yeah!
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What is really interesting
is that we look at if we are
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going to get clean, if
we're going to have our lives
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back, if we're going to
stand up free from all our stuff
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we really do have to be honest.
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Do I have bitterness? Is
there people in my life that
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I want to just grab them by
the throat and hold it until
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I see a facial color
change? If you know what I mean?
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Is there people in my
life that I still have that if
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I think long enough about
them, I still have that stuff
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come up and if I do, if
there are then I'm going
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to get tripped up.
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Because it no longer hurts
them, they are gone and going
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about their lives and some
of them are not even alive.
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I still have all that
stuff so we are looking at,
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I love it when it
talks about moral issues.
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When you take moral
inventory I am looking at sexual
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stuff, any thoughts,
any desires that you have.
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Anything that is
twisted in your life.
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And don't tell me you
don't have any of those because
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most of us do, and most
of us even if nobody on the
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planet knows, you
know. So it trips you up.
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So during this season
were looking at all that.
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Generational stuff, sometimes
I can work with somebody
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and I can look at my own
life, I don't even have to go
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far to see this one.
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I can start looking at
great- grandparents and what
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their issues are, grandparents,
did they have anger issues,
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alcohol issues, did they
have porn stuff, were they
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critical, where the
judge mental, did they have
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I have to be better
than the neighbors next door,
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did they have pride issues?
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Then you look at your parents
in the same kind of things
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start happening there,
and then you look at yourself
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and one day you'll look
in the mirror and you think
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I am my parents,
what happened with that?
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It's just the whole
generational thing, but if I can
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get that on paper and
look at that and ask God, which
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is the best accountability
partner on the planet.
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Ask God, can You help
me and God says absolutely.
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Another one is just any
kind of sinful habit and we
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will get into
what that looks like.
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Occult activity, we are
very much faith-based and
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I believe there is a
good and the bad out there.
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I believe there is a
devil and there is a God.
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Sometimes with the
occult stuff I can get involved
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and they get their
hooks in me really young.
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Even though I turn
things over and start walking
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towards recovery, walking
towards God, walking towards
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my spirituality or health
in that way, it's even then
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these hooks are still there
and there is a time when you
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can confess to God, to
someone else, the Bible, I love
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the verses that says confess
your sins to one another,
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pray for one another
so you can be healed.
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Some of the occult stuff
we need to repent of that,
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confess that at Ask God if
there is anything that the devil
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has in my life that relates
to this and take it from me.
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Remove it from
me, I'm done with it.
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What is really fun about
God, and I want to kiss Him
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on the face when He does this.
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What is really fun about
God is that He shows it to us
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in a gentle way.
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All of a sudden we'll
have a thought about something,
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or we will talk to a friend
I and that friend will expose
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something to us that we
think I have an issue with that.
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Don't lose those moments,
because those moments in
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recovery are life-changing.
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Thought patterns, I don't know
about you but there was a time
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of my life that my thoughts
were constantly negative.
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Constantly not only
negative, but so self focused.
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There is almost 7 billion
people in the world and all day
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I'm thinking about me,
if you know what I mean?
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Get over that, and I know some
body out there is hearing me
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because there's all stuff
I could be thinking about,
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but because of my damage,
because of my injuries all day
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long if I stop and listen
to my thoughts, it's about me,
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and what happened to
me, what they said about me,
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how was I was offended
by so-and-so or whatever.
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The devil himself keeps
us locked up in that and
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God says I want to set you free.
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This season is about that.
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Palischer I want to just
say thank you so much for coming
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on the program, and I say
that but I'm the only one knows
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when I first asked
you, you said what?
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Talk about that, your reaction
of just even being here.
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It's unbelievable to me,
first thank you for inviting me.
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It was hard for me to get
my hands around, she wants me
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to be on 3ABN, me? I don't
have nothing really to share
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with nobody, I'm
just an average person.
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Cheri sees something in
what I've talked about that she
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thinks would benefit someone
else and that made me feel
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like extra special,
but it scared me to death
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at the same time.
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Amen, so you know
where I want to start.
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You really did touch my heart
from the first time I heard
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any part of your journey.
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So let's start with when
I read this inventory list,
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is there anything that you
said you know what, I think
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that's me, and I think that's
me, and I think that's me.
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And start about your spiritual
journey long before what
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happened with your children.
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Okay, I guess I'll start
with who I am as far as in my
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family, I'm the
youngest sibling of six.
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So that sets the stage for
jealousy, for spoiled, getting
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your way, selfishness
and those types of things.
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My mother was a Seventh-day
Adventist Christian and my
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father an alcoholic so there
were a lot of back-and-forth
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things with mixed messages you
get in a house that is divided.
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- it is so divided. -
it was really divided.
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I always had to ask people
to do this because alcoholism
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looks different
in different homes.
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It's a kind of theme you
don't talk about stuff and all
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that, but what did it
look like at your house?
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Well um humm, for me I
do not see it as clear as my
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sisters did because I
was so young, it ended before
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I got old enough to
remember a lot of it.
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There were some physical
abuse of my mother and my dad
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cussed a lot, a lot
of us were scared of him.
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In fact all of us were
afraid of him except for me
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because I was his baby girl.
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So his drunkenness never
bothered me because when he was
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drunk he would take me to
his friends and say this is my
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baby, and they would love me.
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I always felt
loved and not afraid.
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Cussing it didn't bother
me, it just didn't bother me.
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But my sisters have a
whole different story to tell,
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so they are like yeah right.
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I love when you say that
because when I was little the
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cussing was just
language. - yeah.
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When I look back on it I
think oh man, but when I was
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going through it
that's just the way our family
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spoke to each other.
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My mother always told us
my dad was going to be lost
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because of that, you
don't want to talk like that
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because God does what
you talking like that.
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So kids are kids and we
would talk to each other and say
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those words just
because we heard daddy say them.
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We didn't even know we
were talking about, and
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I can't say them on the
TV and we would talk back and
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forth and mom would
tell us we can't say that
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type of thing, that's not good.
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So we grew up knowing
what was right and wrong,
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and daddy was down and we were
up if we did what Mama said.
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That was important to us
and mother was very domineering
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so I guess I picked
up that trait from her.
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Getting my way as her baby
make me selfish, very selfish.
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What is interesting when
you talk that dominant thread
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that gets in there, is that
we never even mentioned that
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on this list, but that
dominant thing there is a lot of
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people that have that.
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I will get what I
want when I want it and
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you will give it to me.
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Some of us are more
aggressive at that than others.
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Yeah, assertive - yeah,
assertive that's a better word.
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But you do and I grew
up in my sisters shadows.
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We all went to the same
schools and I was like their
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sister, I didn't
have my own identity.
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That also puts rebellion
in you because you want to be
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who you are, you don't
want to be someone else's
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sister all the time.
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Right, you were just a babe.
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Just a baby and one of
my sisters was very musical.
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She is an excellent vocalist
and she plays the cello.
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She's just been right on
the top of the line all through
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school and my other
sister were straight A student
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and she was always in
the limelight for that.
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And another was a good
public speaker and so you know
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it was a lot to keep up
with and I wasn't really
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interested in but people
expected if you come from this
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line of things you are
going to be like that too.
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That puts pressure on you,
and I was really not liking
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living in my sisters shadow
so it made me want to do my
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own thing and that was where
I the rebellion part came in.
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We all grew up in church,
we all knew right from wrong,
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but I wanted to
do it my kind of way.
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I wanted to do it so
rebellion was really, really.
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So what did that look like?
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It look like not going to
church if you didn't want to.
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- you really can't make
me do anything, - nothing.
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Not necessarily while I
was at home, going to school
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is a big issue
when I was at home.
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I had decided I did not
want to go to school anymore so
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my mom called the preacher
and they put me in church
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school because we had all
been through public school.
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None of us could
afford to go to church school.
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When I decided I wasn't
going to school my mother called
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the Pastor and they may me
wash dishes at the Academy to
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to pay for my tuition. -
That helped your rebellion.
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It was really the very best
thing that could happen to me
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because it opened a door to
a whole new arena of people.
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People you just see on
Sabbath at church, you don't
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really know them but
when you start going to school
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with the kids you
get to know the more.
00:11:49.29\00:11:50.86
Palischer, I have to say
one of the things for even
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parents is that they will
protect their kids from, and
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like if their child
doesn't want to do something and
00:11:57.32\00:12:00.02
voices their opinions strong
enough, they won't make it
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happen, but sometimes
when you make it happen, even
00:12:03.40\00:12:06.39
though the child may be
kicking and screaming there is
00:12:06.42\00:12:09.38
so much good that comes from it.
00:12:09.42\00:12:10.99
So I love when you said
that, it was the best thing that
00:12:11.03\00:12:13.58
happened. Somebody
has got to hear that.
00:12:13.61\00:12:15.69
That is a hard age to get
through especially when you have
00:12:15.73\00:12:18.81
dysfunction, when
you have addictions.
00:12:18.84\00:12:21.31
Especially alcoholism and
that stuff that kid is going
00:12:21.35\00:12:24.76
to act out and when
they act out can you set the
00:12:24.79\00:12:27.42
boundaries and keep them?
00:12:27.45\00:12:28.55
Send them to do
dishes at the Academy.
00:12:28.59\00:12:31.50
It was you know a change,
I didn't have to go back to
00:12:31.53\00:12:34.52
school where I was at
and that was what I wanted.
00:12:34.55\00:12:37.47
So I got my way and that
way you never knew what I was
00:12:37.50\00:12:40.04
getting into on the other hand.
00:12:40.07\00:12:41.99
But I made it through that.
00:12:42.02\00:12:43.87
But after I got grown then I
decided I wanted to do things
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my way, for real, my way.
00:12:48.86\00:12:50.84
College wasn't my thing, I
went to Oakwood four a quarter
00:12:50.88\00:12:54.37
and I decided that was
not what I wanted to do.
00:12:54.41\00:12:57.18
I went to class one time
and they told me I had to read
00:12:57.21\00:13:00.08
all this stuff, and I had
never read anything in my life,
00:13:00.11\00:13:02.94
not a whole book.
00:13:02.98\00:13:04.26
I went to three classes
and each one of them said
00:13:04.29\00:13:06.92
I had to read two or
three chapters and come back
00:13:06.96\00:13:09.55
tomorrow, and I was
like I don't think so.
00:13:09.58\00:13:11.15
So I spent my time working
paying off my tuition but
00:13:11.19\00:13:15.37
I never went back to classes.
00:13:15.41\00:13:16.79
So I didn't owe any money
when my quarter was over and
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I came home and I stayed.
00:13:18.94\00:13:20.15
That was a good experience also.
00:13:20.18\00:13:23.34
As I got older I started
meeting people that were not in
00:13:23.38\00:13:29.16
the church, men especially.
00:13:29.20\00:13:30.49
I was always overweight,
people always saying she has
00:13:30.52\00:13:33.30
such a beautiful face,
she has such a pretty face.
00:13:33.33\00:13:35.98
I wanted to be more than
a pretty face, what is this
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pretty face thing? I'm
glad I'm pretty, okay fine.
00:13:38.54\00:13:40.99
But that was not me.
00:13:41.02\00:13:42.68
- it actually was a
slam to you. - yeah.
00:13:42.72\00:13:45.57
What your heart heard
was that all you see. - yeah!
00:13:45.61\00:13:48.56
All you see is a pretty face,
there is more to me than my
00:13:48.60\00:13:51.15
face and so men
were attracted to me.
00:13:51.18\00:13:55.28
That was exciting and I just
got off onto the wrong foot,
00:13:55.32\00:13:59.10
I got on the wrong foot and
I started acting out and was
00:13:59.14\00:14:02.69
very promiscuous and ended
up having two boys not married.
00:14:02.72\00:14:06.24
I love them very much
and I am sure that I hurt my
00:14:06.28\00:14:09.85
mother's heart and my
family and embarrassed them.
00:14:09.89\00:14:13.59
The church put me out
and that wasn't an easy thing
00:14:13.63\00:14:17.30
but an understandable thing.
00:14:17.33\00:14:20.72
What did, because you know
all these things that start
00:14:20.75\00:14:24.92
to happen, we have to
process them some way.
00:14:24.95\00:14:27.57
So when the church put
you out, when you realized you
00:14:27.61\00:14:30.63
were going to be a single
parent, what kind of things
00:14:30.67\00:14:33.82
went through your head?
Because we don't walk around
00:14:33.86\00:14:36.98
with our anger and our
rebellion all the time.
00:14:37.01\00:14:39.19
There is a time that
we actually seriously
00:14:39.23\00:14:41.37
set with ourselves.
00:14:41.41\00:14:42.85
Yeah, well I have
to do this myself then.
00:14:42.88\00:14:45.28
If I can't have the support
of the church family anymore,
00:14:45.32\00:14:48.52
I have to do it myself
which wasn't hard for me because
00:14:48.55\00:14:51.72
that is what I
wanted to do anyway.
00:14:51.75\00:14:53.05
But I didn't necessarily
stopped going to church.
00:14:53.08\00:14:56.25
You can take me off the
rolls, but you can't make me
00:14:56.29\00:14:59.43
stop coming, so
church is for sinners
00:14:59.46\00:15:02.15
that is what they preach, so.
00:15:02.19\00:15:03.55
I didn't go all the time
but whenever I got ready.
00:15:03.59\00:15:06.56
I didn't feel I was barred
away, but I was able to focus
00:15:06.60\00:15:10.88
on my kids, they
were my priority now.
00:15:10.91\00:15:12.96
I could make life different for
them, I didn't want them to live
00:15:13.00\00:15:16.04
in each other's shadow, I made
sure they had the same father
00:15:16.07\00:15:19.08
so they wouldn't have to
deal with his dad and that dad
00:15:19.11\00:15:21.36
and that type of thing.
00:15:21.39\00:15:22.36
But I wanted them
to have each other,
00:15:22.37\00:15:26.29
that was the main thing.
00:15:26.33\00:15:27.41
Having one was bad and
when I had the other one my
00:15:27.44\00:15:29.99
mother thought I
had really lost my mind.
00:15:30.02\00:15:31.80
- she was like
what are you are doing?
00:15:31.84\00:15:33.75
I was like he
can't be by himself.
00:15:33.78\00:15:35.63
- it was like there
is a logic in your mind.
00:15:35.66\00:15:37.26
Like it was perfectly logical
for one sibling, he needs
00:15:37.30\00:15:40.42
I had five so, well six
of them so I knew that there
00:15:40.45\00:15:43.53
is value in having
someone with you. - right!
00:15:43.57\00:15:46.15
And what is really, and I
would like you to address it
00:15:46.18\00:15:50.88
for second, what is interesting
is we in our rebellion,
00:15:50.91\00:15:55.18
in our acting out we don't
think of what God says about
00:15:55.22\00:15:59.46
we need mother, father
and the whole family thing.
00:15:59.49\00:16:02.92
We don't think about that
because what we think is that
00:16:02.96\00:16:05.81
I can take care of it all.
00:16:05.84\00:16:06.96
And you're
thinking of right now.
00:16:06.99\00:16:08.96
Before you are a parent
you have no idea what being
00:16:08.99\00:16:11.99
a parent is, you've been a
kid all this time and see what
00:16:12.03\00:16:15.10
your parents haven't done
for you, and what you wish they
00:16:15.14\00:16:18.00
had done for you so in
your mind you could do what they
00:16:18.04\00:16:20.83
didn't do and you can be better
at this thing than they can.
00:16:20.86\00:16:23.90
Not a clue as to
what is really going on.
00:16:23.94\00:16:26.05
They are not going to stay
babies, one day one of them is
00:16:26.09\00:16:28.48
going to grow up and have
their own opinion just like
00:16:28.51\00:16:30.87
I have mine and then
what am I going to do?
00:16:30.91\00:16:32.85
But you're not
thinking that at the time.
00:16:32.89\00:16:34.76
I saw a book one time and I
just haven't even gone through
00:16:34.80\00:16:37.92
it totally but it was called
'Fields of the Fatherless.'
00:16:37.95\00:16:41.43
To me I think lot of us
don't think past our own
00:16:41.47\00:16:48.34
personal needs, we don't
think about what's going to
00:16:48.38\00:16:51.90
happen to this
child with our decision.
00:16:51.93\00:16:55.09
So you have your
baby. - yeah both of them.
00:16:55.13\00:16:58.25
Two sons. - 2
sons two years apart.
00:16:58.29\00:17:00.42
What were their
names? - David and Boyd.
00:17:00.46\00:17:02.51
David was my first son
and Boyd was my second son.
00:17:02.55\00:17:05.52
Exactly 2 years and two
days apart, one on June 14
00:17:05.55\00:17:08.48
and one on June 16.
00:17:08.52\00:17:09.82
It was great, I loved
being a mother and I love having
00:17:09.86\00:17:13.59
them, and they loved me
back and I didn't have no worry
00:17:13.63\00:17:17.32
if anybody at
love me or except it.
00:17:17.36\00:17:19.66
- filling some of
those needs for you?
00:17:19.69\00:17:21.93
Yeah because I think what I
realize in hindsight is that
00:17:21.96\00:17:25.35
parents need to be emotionally
there for their kids.
00:17:25.39\00:17:28.56
My parents were never
emotionally there for me so
00:17:28.60\00:17:31.74
I didn't even know
I had emotional needs.
00:17:31.78\00:17:33.50
In turn I didn't know my
kids had emotional needs.
00:17:33.53\00:17:36.21
So their emotional
needs were not met either.
00:17:36.24\00:17:38.56
Because I didn't know
you needed to do that part of
00:17:38.60\00:17:40.81
parenting, so it is
a cycle that happens.
00:17:40.85\00:17:43.90
When you talk about it
like what we are looking at,
00:17:43.94\00:17:47.56
even this whole
season is that cycle.
00:17:47.59\00:17:49.48
When I start having the damage
in my life, is I shut down
00:17:49.52\00:17:55.20
emotionally or
intellectually I shut down.
00:17:55.24\00:17:57.61
My heart gets locked up,
locked up so tight that I don't
00:17:57.64\00:18:01.35
respond in that way anymore.
00:18:01.39\00:18:02.99
And in your family the genera-
tional thing is the emotional
00:18:03.03\00:18:06.46
thing was locked up, so
they may love you and do the
00:18:06.50\00:18:09.90
right thing and all
that stuff and you know it,
00:18:09.93\00:18:11.55
but emotionally you
didn't get anything.
00:18:11.59\00:18:13.89
And usually with an alcoholic
parent is they are so self
00:18:13.92\00:18:16.68
focused because of their
addictions that they don't even
00:18:16.72\00:18:19.44
know how to really give
in an honest way. - right!
00:18:19.47\00:18:22.45
And I know there is some
alcoholic watching and screaming
00:18:22.49\00:18:26.16
at the set right now, but
I know that is a blind spot
00:18:26.20\00:18:30.08
we have but your children
do miss out in our addictions.
00:18:30.12\00:18:33.51
What you are saying is that
I missed out, I missed out to
00:18:33.54\00:18:36.90
the point that I didn't
even give it so the whole
00:18:36.93\00:18:38.80
generational stuff starts.
00:18:38.84\00:18:40.22
Yeah it starts and hurts me
now because now that I've got
00:18:40.25\00:18:43.47
it, my kids already have
the damage because they didn't
00:18:43.51\00:18:46.69
have it to give
to them at that time.
00:18:46.73\00:18:48.60
I'm trying really hard now
to make up for it and to reach
00:18:48.63\00:18:52.14
my grandchildren and try
to nurture them and feel where
00:18:52.18\00:18:55.66
their minds are now.
00:18:55.69\00:18:56.90
Because kids couldn't say
nothing when they were coming up
00:18:56.93\00:18:59.52
Your to be seen and not
heard, so no matter how you
00:18:59.55\00:19:02.26
felt about something you
didn't tell anybody because
00:19:02.29\00:19:04.96
you couldn't talk.
00:19:05.00\00:19:06.32
What I would like to do
because I think it's a great
00:19:06.35\00:19:09.98
time to just stop and take a
break and come back and actually
00:19:10.02\00:19:13.72
get into now how did that
step into the lives of your
00:19:13.76\00:19:17.43
parenting to your children?
00:19:17.47\00:19:19.06
So we are great go ahead
and take a break because what is
00:19:19.09\00:19:22.25
really incredible to me is
that somebody has to blink,
00:19:22.28\00:19:25.41
somebody has to do
recovery, somebody is going to
00:19:25.44\00:19:27.70
actually do the hard work.
00:19:27.74\00:19:29.25
If you don't do it your
children will do it, and if
00:19:29.28\00:19:32.18
they don't do it their children
won't do it but everybody
00:19:32.22\00:19:34.40
gets trashed until
somebody says I'll do it.
00:19:34.43\00:19:37.26
I don't care how hard it
is, I don't care what I have to
00:19:37.29\00:19:41.31
look at, I don't care what
I have to ask, who I have to
00:19:41.34\00:19:44.90
ask, how I have processed
this, but it stops with me.
00:19:44.93\00:19:48.63
And when it stops with you
your legacy, what you pass on
00:19:48.66\00:19:52.33
is actually good
stuff, it's good stuff.
00:19:52.36\00:19:55.05
Stay with us we
will be right back!
00:19:55.08\00:19:56.37