Welcome back! So we've been
talking about meth addiction,
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well not even meth addiction,
I hate when I say that
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because most the time when
I talk to someone who has an
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addiction, there are
all those hurts before that.
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You are talking about your
father leaving, and your mom
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not really being there,
she's raising all these kids.
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Then the molest and going
back to church, and having a
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molest situation
from the pastors wife.
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So it's really tough to call
it a molest because you were
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16, right? - 15 or 16.
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15 or 16, but it was, you
call it a relationship every
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time you talk about
it, but we know you were
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in a molest situation again
and then jumping into the meth.
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It's crazy, all that
got crazier and crazier.
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When did you guys finally
meet? Like Heidi do you remember
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walk into his
life during this time?
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Yeah I did, I was actually
dating somebody that was living
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with him at the time, and
that is how I initially met him.
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So I would go to their house
and use, just to be with the
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guys, I didn't really
have an addiction to the meth
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although that was part of it.
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- your addiction was
relationships? - Um Hummmm!
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Controlling in
trying to fix them.
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Did you know that right
away or was years later?
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Yeah. - it is really
interesting that if you find a
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bad guy, you will find the
girls that want to fix them.
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It is just what
our addictions are.
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So when she started to
come over, you guys using
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together, tell me a little
bit about what that was like
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for you and that I want to
find out where you came from.
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Everybody has a history,
and it amazes me when you look
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at someone who is really
into meth or into addictions,
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and then when they get
into a relationship usually that
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person is a mess too.
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It cracks me up because I
think God is like oh no, no.
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Then He steps in and has
to untwist everybody, so where
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did you come from?
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My mom and dad divorced
when I was about 10 or 11-ish.
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I don't really remember much
before that other than normal
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family stuff, we didn't
do a whole lot as a family.
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My mom and dad started
fighting before they divorced.
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So even in your home what
you saw as far as a loving
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relationship was
this chaos? - Um Hummmm!
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Yeah, I don't remember a
whole lot of my mom hugging me,
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loving me, I was the oldest
of four, I am the oldest of
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four, but when my dad left,
my mom immediately turned to
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bars, and I didn't know at
the time that she was getting
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hooked on meth, she had
been doing it for a while but it
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became
predominant around that time.
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So I became, what somebody
just titled it, a surrogate
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parent, so I was taking
care my siblings and not really
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being. - trying to
hold the household together.
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Um Hummmm! Yeah, I was
in sports in high school.
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My mom, or dad moved out
of state so I had no one there
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supporting me, I don't
remember my mom asking if I had
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homework, or what you
see a typical family is.
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Let's sit down and do
some homework, let's study,
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there was none of that.
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A lot of times we cooked our own
meals and just taking care my
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siblings. - was there a
point where you got tired of
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that? I'm tired of that
don't want to be responsible,
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or did you just
do the right thing?
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I just did the right thing.
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What is funny is that 11 or
12 years old you don't think
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of a child wanting a child,
but I had always, even though
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we didn't have God in our
house, I would always pray to
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God that He would
leave baby on my doorstep.
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I could take care somebody that
would love me, unconditionally
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I think it was. - because
you were looking for that.
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- Um Hummmm! -
desperately looking for that.
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Your mom got more tied
up with her addictions, ay!
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Yeah, we ended up moving
into this house, a small one-
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bedroom house and all four
of us kids, there was two sets
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of bunk beds in this house.
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My mom had a trailer outback,
that's where she did all
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her activities and I just
thought she had a lot of friends
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coming in and out of the
house because she ended up
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dealing for while also.
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The fact that she separated
you guys out with having a
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trailer out back, just tells
me the level of her addiction.
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This was not a tiny
addiction, did she get crazy?
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Because a lot of
meth addicts get kind of.
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That she went in waves,
she come in all nice and happy
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and fix everything, built
fences, remodeled the bathroom,
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put a roof on the house,
I mean she could do it all.
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That is when she was really
high, then the coming down
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part, she would come in
and scream at us if we didn't
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do the dishes, or
something wasn't done,
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she would come in screaming.
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Were you able, during
that time, you said you were in
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sports, stay in
school and all that?
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I did until my junior year
and then I moved out to Idaho.
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This was in California so
I moved to Idaho with my dad.
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What's interesting in
listening to your story is that
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you were trained early on
to fix things and take care of
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people, so I'm thinking don't
go to Idaho, because Jeremy.
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You are trained, you are a
kid that says if I can only
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fix you than you would love me.
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So when you ran into his friend
and met Jeremy it was like
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did you guys fall
in love right away?
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No, actually when I moved to
Idaho, Jeremy and I didn't meet
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for a few years, but when
I first moved to Idaho I got
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married within the first
year and a half two years.
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I had a couple abortions
with this guy before we got
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married, it's
my oldest sons dad.
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So I would like to ask
you, even when you say a couple
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abortions, how do
you deal with that?
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Or how did you
deal with that then?
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Back then it was like,
it's what I have to do, I can't
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have a kid right, now so
that's what I've gotta to do.
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- So you just detach
yourself from the? Um Hummmm!
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The second abortion was tougher.
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The reason I'm curious about
that is because when you said,
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younger, your heart's cry
was God leave a baby on the
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doorstep, so for you to
even make those decisions
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had to be just tough.
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Yeah, I had a taste of
what it was like to take care of
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kids because I had my siblings
to take care of, so when
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I got older it was like, well,
I have to work and maintain
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a home, pay rent
and all this stuff.
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So having a baby right
now wasn't in the equation,
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we couldn't do that, and he
and I had talked about it so
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it wasn't
something we were ready for.
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He was more not
ready, then I was.
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We are going to come back
to that because I know that in
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your recovery, you have
probably gone back to this issue
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again, so we will
come back to that.
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At this point, and for
anyone listening, is that
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in a societal thing the
abortion is no big deal.
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You just have it, you
think about all the stuff,
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can you afford it this
child or not, and just walked in
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and have it, and it is really
not considered a big deal.
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What is so sad about the
first two, I actually had three.
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The first two that I had
were within six months of each
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other, so was almost like a
form of birth control for me.
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Even though I would not
walk up to someone and tell them
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that I had done, there was
no way I would tell anybody,
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other than my immediate
family, that I had done that.
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As one of the girls that
I ran with all the streets,
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by the time she was 17 or
18 years old, she had seven
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abortions, so when you say
it is a form of birth control,
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I saw that over and over again.
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I think I was blessed in
that I couldn't get pregnant,
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couldn't have children, I
don't know how I had Jackie my
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daughter because
it was like a miracle.
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I was blessed in that sense
of not having to deal with it.
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A lot of my friends,
you didn't think about it.
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Even what you were saying
Jeremy, you would say I'm going
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to get high again and all
the stuff of go away again.
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So you have a couple
abortions and ended up getting
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married. - got married,
had Eric and then his dad was
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an alcoholic and, he passed
away a couple of years ago.
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He was an alcoholic,
a pretty bad alcoholic.
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He wasn't a bar drunk, he
would drink on the way home
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and then he would drink beer.
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He was not angry,
he wasn't mean to me.
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If that drinking wasn't there
we probably would have stayed
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together for quite a
while, we got along really well.
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Then we moved to Montana
for short time and he got into
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a one vehicle accident
and nearly killed himself with
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his truck and at Junction Canal.
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I had had enough and
couldn't do it anymore.
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I told him that we were
going to split up, we moved back
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to Idaho and we separated.
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Just before we separated I
had gotten pregnant again and
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I said there was no way
to take care of two babies by
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myself so I went had
another abortion after Eric and
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then we separated, yeah, so.
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So was it during that time
that you are working in Idaho?
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Did you get a job? - yeah,
I just start working in a law
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office at that time, I worked
there for about a year and
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then I start working a
county prosecutor's office.
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That's what I
meant Jeremy, yeah.
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I can't believe it, I
can't put the two together.
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That hurts my brain.
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For you, all that trauma,
were you using at that time?
00:10:14.74\00:10:22.99
Here and there, just
parties or what ever.
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It wasn't like I had to have it.
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So yours was
relationships again.
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So now you are dating
someone and you meet Jeremy.
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How long before
you guys get together?
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It was probably three years,
because he actually started
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dating my sister first, so
he was in a relationship with
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my sister for two years.
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Then he split up from her. -
I had another gal and had a kid.
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- then he broke up with
her and was living in his car.
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That so attractive, you're
living in your car, and would
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you come stay with me?
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And I'm thinking, I can fix you.
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That drive to fix
someone is absolutely huge.
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It's like I know that all
you need is someone to love you,
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all you need is that.
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So he moves in with
you and what was that like?
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He is still using.
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What is funny is that the
night we actually got together
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was when my
second divorce was final.
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So we were celebrating
and went out and got high and
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he came back to my place
and we pretty much been together
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of and on since then.
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Your second divorce, did
you have children in that
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relationship? Um Hummmm! I did.
00:11:40.66\00:11:41.85
I had one of my first
marriage, one with my second,
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then a third one out of wedlock.
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So three kids from
three different dads.
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When you say that, I know
for you that was the hardest
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thing to say out loud.
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I wouldn't dare, especially
working in a prosecutor's
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office, I mean
they arrested girls.
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They would say oh yeah this
woman's got six kids, and they
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all have different
dads, and I'm thinking oh my,
00:12:04.38\00:12:06.20
I'm not going to say word.
00:12:06.24\00:12:08.03
Because I do not want
to be put in that class,
00:12:08.06\00:12:10.28
but I was right there with them.
00:12:10.32\00:12:12.61
The reason I think that's
amazing that you can say that
00:12:12.65\00:12:17.14
here, on this program, I know
that healing God has been done
00:12:17.17\00:12:20.92
in your life, and
I'm so proud of God.
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We don't deserve any of it,
we are just going from place
00:12:23.39\00:12:26.99
to place and we are so
wounded and God says I love you.
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I love you and I am so sorry
that you have acted out in the
00:12:30.82\00:12:34.27
way you have acted out, I'm
sorry that you're wounded and
00:12:34.30\00:12:37.71
have been wounded in
the way you've been wounded.
00:12:37.75\00:12:39.50
I just want to bring healing
and help you to surrender
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all that shame, but at this
point you are not even there
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at that point, you are now
in a relationship with Jeremy.
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I know you guys and it cracks
me up, because I know that
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you are wild, you were
wild in your addiction.
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You don't take care the
people around you, and you are
00:12:55.79\00:12:58.76
wanting someone to take
care of you and bring someone in
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that just cannot do that yet.
00:13:01.77\00:13:03.49
So what was that
relationship like for you guys?
00:13:03.53\00:13:06.82
It was crazy, I think
within the first three months of
00:13:06.85\00:13:10.44
being together, there was
this one time a drug deal went
00:13:10.47\00:13:14.02
down at our house,
it was an apartment.
00:13:14.06\00:13:15.45
The kids weren't there, they
were in school or something.
00:13:15.48\00:13:19.37
Anyway as drug deal went
down and that night Jeremy is
00:13:19.41\00:13:22.57
like I had to do something,
have to take care of business.
00:13:22.61\00:13:25.74
So he was going
to different town.
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I'm sitting there and all
of a sudden I get a phone call
00:13:28.28\00:13:30.39
asking for Jeremy and
I said he was not here.
00:13:30.43\00:13:32.57
She says, well I think you
are lying I look in your windows
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right now, I'm
thinking oh my word, really!
00:13:35.12\00:13:38.55
She said you better not call
the cops because if you do I'm
00:13:38.59\00:13:41.27
going to bust out the
window, dah, dah, dah.
00:13:41.31\00:13:43.25
She goes you need to open
the door so we can see that
00:13:43.29\00:13:45.71
Jeremy is not there.
00:13:45.74\00:13:47.14
So I look in the peephole
and there is two girls there.
00:13:47.18\00:13:49.42
One has a hammer
and the other has 2 x 4.
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I'm thinking, I'm just
freaking out, my kids are in bed
00:13:52.35\00:13:55.41
and Jeremy is gone so
I open the door and said
00:13:55.45\00:13:58.23
please just be quiet.
00:13:58.26\00:13:59.23
My kids are sleeping and
so the girls goes and walks
00:13:59.24\00:14:02.15
through the room and she's like,
00:14:02.19\00:14:04.58
Jeremy owes us a hundred bucks.
00:14:04.62\00:14:06.94
I'm thinking, a hundred
bucks and you're ready to bash
00:14:06.98\00:14:10.84
heads in for a hundred bucks?
00:14:10.87\00:14:12.54
I said I have a $40, please
would you take that and go?
00:14:12.58\00:14:16.49
I was just petrified, so
she was saying be sure you tell
00:14:16.53\00:14:20.40
Jeremy he owes you 40
bucks, but we will be back.
00:14:20.44\00:14:22.92
They leave and come to find
out he was shot at that night.
00:14:22.95\00:14:27.19
That was the
beginning of our relationship,
00:14:27.23\00:14:30.82
it really was wildness.
00:14:30.86\00:14:33.47
And you're still
saying, how can I help?
00:14:33.50\00:14:36.58
I know I can change this guy.
00:14:36.62\00:14:38.57
It's interesting, and Jeremy
I want you to say this from
00:14:38.60\00:14:43.42
a perspective of, even at that
there is nothing in you that
00:14:43.45\00:14:48.23
says, I need to change anything?
00:14:48.27\00:14:51.08
Not at that point. - I
need to protect these children,
00:14:53.14\00:14:55.29
I need to protect Heidi?
00:14:55.32\00:14:56.76
I tried keeping it away from
that, just to show the level
00:14:56.79\00:15:00.81
of addiction I was in, I
tried to keep it away from that.
00:15:00.85\00:15:04.83
He would tell me all the
time, he was very compliant.
00:15:05.94\00:15:09.14
When I say compliant, he
will come home when I would be
00:15:09.18\00:15:12.34
screaming and yelling,
where in the heck were you?
00:15:12.37\00:15:13.53
What were you thinking? He
would just say I'm so sorry,
00:15:13.56\00:15:19.03
I'm so sorry it
won't happen again.
00:15:19.07\00:15:20.73
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
00:15:20.77\00:15:22.07
During our recovery it's funny
because, when we would argue,
00:15:22.11\00:15:27.86
he would actually be combative.
00:15:27.90\00:15:29.90
I was like you know I liked
you better when you are using,
00:15:29.93\00:15:32.89
because you have an opinion now.
00:15:32.92\00:15:35.71
Back then he would say what
ever, very manipulative with
00:15:35.74\00:15:39.97
his words and would tell
me what I wanted to hear.
00:15:40.00\00:15:43.49
All the time. - if there
is anything else you need to
00:15:43.53\00:15:46.94
tell me about the relationship
just to paint a color of what
00:15:46.98\00:15:50.20
that was like, go ahead.
00:15:50.23\00:15:52.10
I want to know when
did God get involved?
00:15:52.14\00:15:54.34
Because to me I almost feel
oppressed, because it is so,
00:15:54.38\00:15:58.98
there is so much stuff
when we start acting out, and
00:15:59.01\00:16:03.55
addicts act out and for people
that are using or watching,
00:16:03.58\00:16:07.34
they know all the
craziness that happens.
00:16:07.37\00:16:09.57
How did God break through?
What was your response to that?
00:16:09.61\00:16:12.91
I don't know how long we
had been together, but I spent
00:16:17.91\00:16:24.46
the rent on dope, so we
didn't have the rent money and
00:16:24.49\00:16:30.72
we got evicted, and I don't
remember if that was, if they
00:16:30.75\00:16:36.30
both happened one after the
other, but we ended up staying
00:16:36.34\00:16:41.86
in a woman's battered shelter.
00:16:41.89\00:16:43.74
- it was a homeless
shelter. - A homeless shelter.
00:16:43.78\00:16:49.00
I remember us going to
see the Pastor of the church,
00:16:49.04\00:16:54.23
do you remember
counseling with him?
00:16:54.26\00:16:57.71
I would ask about, because
I knew he had gone to church,
00:16:57.74\00:17:01.16
so I started asking.
00:17:01.20\00:17:02.85
We'd been going together
for about a year and I would ask
00:17:02.88\00:17:05.61
little questions here and there.
00:17:05.65\00:17:06.88
He said they went to church
on Saturday, I'm like Saturday,
00:17:06.92\00:17:10.15
that's really bazaar,
because I had never heard of it,
00:17:10.18\00:17:12.56
I didn't have God or
church or anything in my life.
00:17:12.59\00:17:14.94
So there were questions about
a year after we got together
00:17:14.98\00:17:17.98
of here and there. -
he's ministering to you?
00:17:18.01\00:17:21.59
I love that, I think God
has a sense of humor in that
00:17:21.63\00:17:27.11
way, all this tragedy and all
of a sudden, the little it that
00:17:27.15\00:17:31.00
you got throughout your
life you are giving to her.
00:17:31.04\00:17:33.27
So at a homeless shelter
you start meeting the Pastor and
00:17:33.30\00:17:38.81
he starts
counseling with you a little.
00:17:38.84\00:17:40.60
Yeah, because I was the
victim, I was the one who
00:17:40.64\00:17:43.10
everybody thought, oh
Heidi, he's so horrible to you,
00:17:43.14\00:17:45.57
why are you staying with him?
00:17:45.61\00:17:46.78
That was just boosting
me and my co-dependency,
00:17:46.82\00:17:50.14
just making me beam,
not really a happy beam.
00:17:50.17\00:17:53.42
Somebody is recognizing
that I'm doing everything I can
00:17:53.45\00:17:57.70
I am the good guy.
00:17:57.73\00:17:59.41
I'm doing everything right,
he's the one who is wrong.
00:17:59.44\00:18:01.28
It's all on him because of
his addiction I am the way I am.
00:18:01.32\00:18:03.71
So we will go to church
here in there and it wasn't real
00:18:05.61\00:18:08.72
regular because
I had to dress up.
00:18:08.76\00:18:12.39
I didn't feel comfortable
dressing up, and people would
00:18:12.43\00:18:15.36
ask you are you wearing a dress?
00:18:15.39\00:18:17.08
We were smokers then,
so we had to hide that.
00:18:17.12\00:18:20.80
They couldn't smell like
smoke or anything like that.
00:18:20.83\00:18:25.49
God was popping in and out,
He was definitely working on
00:18:25.52\00:18:31.46
us both. - So you into, what
was the breakthrough, because
00:18:31.50\00:18:37.34
there had to be a decision
time that you decide that you
00:18:37.38\00:18:43.19
are not going to use, Jeremy?
00:18:43.23\00:18:45.28
We had moved to Boise
and we were doing okay.
00:18:45.32\00:18:53.03
- He started going to school.
00:18:53.06\00:18:56.00
- yeah, I
started going to school.
00:18:56.04\00:18:57.29
But then I didn't
have my lover, right?
00:18:57.33\00:19:01.35
So I sought it out and it
found me, the devil seeks.
00:19:01.39\00:19:06.57
It's everywhere, drugs
are an addiction everywhere.
00:19:06.61\00:19:11.75
We can find it
where ever we move.
00:19:11.79\00:19:14.48
So I got into a whole
different era of drug use.
00:19:14.51\00:19:21.24
I want to call it a
different generation, because
00:19:21.28\00:19:27.61
I started seeing more
and more and more black.
00:19:27.64\00:19:33.90
It was just this aura of
evil and it was coming out
00:19:33.94\00:19:38.97
of the wood works.
00:19:39.00\00:19:40.28
It really started scaring
me and we would split up and
00:19:40.32\00:19:46.14
I was still going to school.
00:19:46.17\00:19:48.12
- Let me jump in and say,
for people who do not know,
00:19:48.16\00:19:50.42
sometimes when you get into
a place where people are using
00:19:50.46\00:19:54.31
a lot of drugs, it is evil.
00:19:54.34\00:19:57.68
People are doing
things that are so twisted.
00:19:57.72\00:19:59.68
The behaviors that are
acceptable are twisted and there
00:19:59.72\00:20:04.92
is a point where you walk
in and think, I know a lot of
00:20:04.96\00:20:09.08
people do not believe in
the devil but you can feel the
00:20:09.12\00:20:13.20
presence of even
demons in the room.
00:20:13.24\00:20:15.54
I think there is a point
in addiction that you walk in
00:20:15.57\00:20:20.28
and just say,
man, this is scary.
00:20:20.31\00:20:21.98
Some people think it is a
hallucination, some people think
00:20:22.01\00:20:30.05
that or some people think
it has to be in their head.
00:20:30.09\00:20:32.86
But I have been in that
place, and it is definitely not
00:20:32.89\00:20:35.62
in your head, it's
like you think okay.
00:20:35.66\00:20:37.96
I think maybe God
gives us to just say, you can
00:20:37.99\00:20:41.25
continue this but it
will take your very mind.
00:20:41.28\00:20:44.47
You will lose your body, you
will lose your relationships,
00:20:44.50\00:20:47.79
but lose your mind.
00:20:47.82\00:20:49.58
Yeah, this was when I was
right in the middle of it and
00:20:49.61\00:20:57.48
I started reaching up and out
and saying, God what a my going
00:20:57.52\00:21:01.02
to do, what am I going to do?
00:21:01.05\00:21:02.54
One night I just walked
out in front of the stars and
00:21:02.58\00:21:05.32
dropped to my knees
and said, I've had enough.
00:21:05.35\00:21:07.51
I can't do this anymore, I
do not want any more of it,
00:21:07.55\00:21:11.97
and from that point on I
left the next day the house,
00:21:12.01\00:21:16.40
I was staying at,
the story is great.
00:21:16.43\00:21:20.73
I called Heidi that
night, I believe it was.
00:21:20.77\00:21:25.69
I used to have to travel to
go get Internet, free Internet
00:21:25.73\00:21:30.44
somebody's, they'd
have their thing wide open.
00:21:30.48\00:21:33.04
So I would get free Internet
so I could check my e-mail.
00:21:33.08\00:21:37.67
I got this weird, bazaar e-
mail from a single Christian
00:21:37.70\00:21:42.29
website. - I can't be
without somebody, I always have
00:21:42.32\00:21:46.83
to have somebody, so even
though I was in love with Jeremy
00:21:46.87\00:21:50.43
I still wanted somebody who
didn't have the baggage he had.
00:21:50.47\00:21:54.00
Even though that's what I
needed, but didn't realize
00:21:54.03\00:21:56.91
that at the time.
00:21:56.95\00:21:58.28
So I register for
this Christian website.
00:21:58.32\00:22:02.90
- so you guys were not
together at that time? - no.
00:22:02.94\00:22:05.20
We broke up, we were separated
for probably three or four
00:22:05.24\00:22:09.64
weeks or so I told him that
if he got his stuff together
00:22:09.67\00:22:14.04
and prove to me that
he could not be using
00:22:14.08\00:22:18.69
that he can come back.
00:22:18.72\00:22:21.30
Well, in the meantime I'm
registering for this Christian
00:22:21.34\00:22:23.99
website. - because
three weeks is a long time?
00:22:24.03\00:22:25.97
is a long time
00:22:26.00\00:22:28.11
He evidently gets a confirming
e- mail, I don't know how he
00:22:28.15\00:22:33.33
got it because I was putting
in my e-mail address, but he
00:22:33.37\00:22:38.52
got it. - God did
the whole routing thing.
00:22:38.55\00:22:41.36
That's right, because all
of a sudden you are confronted
00:22:43.09\00:22:45.44
with. - it's like my
heart goes what's going on here.
00:22:45.47\00:22:48.95
So I call her, I'm like
what is going on with this?
00:22:48.98\00:22:52.42
We talked about it
and I moved back in.
00:22:52.45\00:22:57.35
It was from there on.
00:22:57.38\00:23:01.00
What is funny is that before
he actually, I was going to
00:23:01.03\00:23:07.00
kick him out, told him
I couldn't do it anymore.
00:23:07.03\00:23:09.87
That day, on the way there
I am praying to God the whole
00:23:09.90\00:23:12.43
time, I said I
cannot do this without You.
00:23:12.47\00:23:14.18
Because he will start to get
upset saying, he doesn't want
00:23:14.21\00:23:16.91
to leave or he'll change or
whatever, it's the same cycle
00:23:16.94\00:23:19.60
over and over and over again.
00:23:19.63\00:23:21.10
I can't do that cycle, so
I'm praying the whole time I'm
00:23:21.13\00:23:25.26
driving there, God you
gotta to get me through this,
00:23:25.30\00:23:29.39
you gotta get me through this.
00:23:29.42\00:23:30.95
He got me through it, I
didn't have the emotions,
00:23:30.99\00:23:33.22
I said there is your
stuff, there is the door,
00:23:33.26\00:23:35.48
I've got an appointment
and I will see you later.
00:23:35.52\00:23:37.68
I left, I mean there was
no way I could have done that
00:23:37.71\00:23:40.35
without God helping me.
00:23:40.38\00:23:42.74
- and you needed to know
that she could be done. - yeah.
00:23:42.78\00:23:47.38
I broke down. - oh yeah,
he got upset like I've never
00:23:47.42\00:23:51.60
seen him. - I cried
pretty heavily and that is the
00:23:51.64\00:23:54.97
first time I've cried
like that in along time.
00:23:55.01\00:23:58.28
My heart was breaking
inside but God was giving me the
00:23:58.31\00:24:01.58
strength to follow through
with that because that was
00:24:01.61\00:24:05.30
the platform for his
step of getting to his knees.
00:24:05.34\00:24:09.10
You guys couldn't have
survived physically, mentally,
00:24:09.13\00:24:12.80
spiritually with these drugs
and with these crazy stuff.
00:24:12.84\00:24:17.00
So you half to make that
step and say, God is bigger than
00:24:17.04\00:24:21.17
we are and I
have to turn it over.
00:24:21.21\00:24:22.75
If you are really here
You will get me through this.
00:24:22.78\00:24:24.53
Because there is
no way I can do this.
00:24:24.57\00:24:26.69
I'm going to open it up
for questions right now, but I
00:24:26.73\00:24:31.29
want to go through
the whole recovery thing.
00:24:31.32\00:24:33.28
We don't have time to do
this program so I want to have
00:24:33.31\00:24:36.55
you back, but I want to ask
some questions and then have
00:24:36.58\00:24:39.79
you guys close with us.
00:24:39.82\00:24:41.02
How is that? - that's okay.
00:24:41.05\00:24:42.34
Okay Eli, I know
you had a question.
00:24:42.37\00:24:44.74
We have a son that has an
addiction problem too, and he is
00:24:44.77\00:24:49.54
we have been
through all that craziness.
00:24:49.57\00:24:51.98
He is in prison now, so I
would love for him to be sitting
00:24:52.01\00:24:57.71
where Jeremy is sitting today.
00:24:57.75\00:24:59.62
- telling his
story. - telling his story.
00:24:59.66\00:25:02.34
You know I'm sure there
are a lot of families watching
00:25:02.38\00:25:06.33
that would love that
recovery story that you guys are
00:25:06.36\00:25:10.51
sharing. - well if it wasn't
for God we wouldn't be here.
00:25:10.55\00:25:14.66
Honestly, we would
still be on that cycle.
00:25:14.70\00:25:16.61
Thank you Eli. When God
came in and got your attention
00:25:16.64\00:25:22.63
I know it doesn't happen
instantaneously, but tell me
00:25:22.67\00:25:28.59
some things that He did, just to
give you hope that He was going
00:25:28.62\00:25:31.93
to complete the work in
you, that He was not going
00:25:31.97\00:25:34.18
to give up on you.
00:25:34.22\00:25:35.60
Putting the right people into
our lives, played a big part.
00:25:35.64\00:25:40.65
Like you Cheri, - there was a
time I remember coming to church
00:25:40.68\00:25:45.66
and you were high and I was
grabbing you saying get into
00:25:45.69\00:25:48.57
the Pastor's room,
what are you doing?
00:25:48.61\00:25:51.36
But I do believe God put a
lot of people in your life that
00:25:51.40\00:25:55.36
loved you, I remember one
time you said I have to be here,
00:25:55.40\00:25:59.26
this is my safe place and it
told me that in your addiction
00:25:59.30\00:26:03.13
you have to be
in the house of God.
00:26:03.17\00:26:05.03
You have to come to church,
you have to connect with us,
00:26:05.06\00:26:07.30
you have to stay
faithful in what you know.
00:26:07.34\00:26:10.13
There was one time that
Jeremy had stayed out all night,
00:26:10.16\00:26:13.68
it was during our recovery time,
he had stayed out all night
00:26:13.71\00:26:17.60
and he came home the next
morning and God was telling me,
00:26:17.64\00:26:21.49
ask him if he needs something?
00:26:21.53\00:26:24.30
Ask him if he wants some
coffee or need some breakfast.
00:26:24.33\00:26:26.33
Be nice, don't
harp on him, don't rag.
00:26:26.36\00:26:30.15
So I did all that and I went
to the car and I actually was
00:26:30.19\00:26:34.75
getting ready for church.
00:26:34.78\00:26:36.05
I get into the car, God
told me I was holding him back.
00:26:36.09\00:26:41.66
I'm holding him
back from his recovery.
00:26:41.69\00:26:43.54
It was like a slap in the
face, it was a gentle slap,
00:26:43.57\00:26:47.75
but it was like wow, and
then He played these videos back
00:26:47.79\00:26:51.31
in my head as to what I had
been doing and how I have been
00:26:51.34\00:26:54.68
doing it. Not so much focusing
on him but focusing on me,
00:26:54.72\00:26:58.03
what I had been
doing in this relationship.
00:26:58.06\00:27:00.59
I didn't make him do the drugs,
but I kept him from going out
00:27:00.63\00:27:06.16
of the home, I was
so horrible, I was.
00:27:06.19\00:27:11.88
- for somebody that doesn't
know what you just meant by
00:27:11.91\00:27:14.33
that, because you talking
about your co-dependency stuff.
00:27:14.36\00:27:17.75
So really spell that out for
someone who just has no idea.
00:27:17.78\00:27:21.14
What do you mean?
00:27:21.17\00:27:22.14
Because what I know,
with relationship addictions,
00:27:22.15\00:27:30.54
is a lot of times they have
to be sick in order for me to
00:27:30.57\00:27:34.51
get my needs met, so if
they start getting well,
00:27:34.55\00:27:37.49
I then get insecure, I don't
know how to function at what
00:27:37.52\00:27:41.64
God was trying to
say to you in such
00:27:41.68\00:27:43.36
a gentle way, as Heidi,
00:27:43.39\00:27:45.20
you have to deal with
this so he can get well.
00:27:45.23\00:27:48.69
For people that are co-dependent
for people that my stuff
00:27:48.73\00:27:54.32
is so huge, but it is not
anything that people can see.
00:27:54.36\00:27:58.48
I'm not doing math, I'm not
doing this and I'm doing all
00:27:58.51\00:28:01.83
the right things, and I'm
the one staying home, I'm doing
00:28:01.86\00:28:05.08
the dishes, everything looks
good and God just says that
00:28:05.11\00:28:08.53
part of you has to heal because
you're getting in My way.
00:28:08.56\00:28:12.49
We are still dealing with
my co-dependency, I mean I say
00:28:12.53\00:28:16.42
this so cliché, but
drugs you can get rid of.
00:28:16.46\00:28:19.74
Emotions, the way I have been,
and how I function, it's hard to
00:28:19.78\00:28:23.83
change, yes you have to
change that with being an
00:28:23.86\00:28:26.24
addict, with any
addiction you change that,
00:28:26.28\00:28:28.52
but I didn't have a
substance, I wasn't holding on
00:28:28.55\00:28:31.54
physically to something
and so we are still working
00:28:31.58\00:28:34.53
through my codependency, still.
00:28:34.56\00:28:37.14
- God is faithful. -
extremely! - what I love about
00:28:37.17\00:28:40.77
the fact that He comes
into our lives and works.
00:28:40.80\00:28:44.62
Because Jeremy, you
have a ton to get used to,
00:28:44.66\00:28:47.31
because you had to
say goodbye to that lover.
00:28:47.34\00:28:49.92
We had someone on the show
previously that talked about
00:28:49.96\00:28:54.48
writing a letter to meth
and saying as a lover I need to
00:28:54.52\00:28:58.10
break up with you, I need
to sever this relationship.
00:28:58.14\00:29:01.36
They said they cried during
the whole time, as they were
00:29:01.40\00:29:04.29
writing their letter and
saying they didn't realize the
00:29:04.32\00:29:07.02
whole time that I thought
you loved me, I didn't realize
00:29:07.05\00:29:09.71
you were robbing
me of everything.
00:29:09.75\00:29:12.04
So during that time with
God being faithful with your
00:29:12.08\00:29:16.01
learning to stand up outside
your addiction, how is that
00:29:16.04\00:29:19.93
for you? - it was
tough and a long road.
00:29:19.97\00:29:23.02
I am still learning emotions,
learning how to feel certain
00:29:23.05\00:29:28.63
things, because I
didn't feel for so long.
00:29:28.67\00:29:33.40
The only thing I
felt was anger and, yeah,
00:29:33.43\00:29:38.13
it was very difficult.
00:29:38.16\00:29:40.42
You know the hurt and the
betrayal, all the things you've
00:29:40.46\00:29:44.21
stuffed up, what is horrible
with cleaning up, is all that
00:29:44.25\00:29:47.97
stuff comes up at once.
00:29:48.00\00:29:49.51
Where most people throughout
their lives deal with that as
00:29:49.55\00:29:52.67
they go, with addicts we stuff
everything, so it bubbles up,
00:29:52.70\00:29:55.79
almost at one time.
00:29:55.83\00:29:57.37
It funnels to anger, it become
anger, and to deal with those
00:29:57.40\00:30:03.32
issues, the pain,
that was a long road.
00:30:03.35\00:30:10.69
- I want to go ahead and
break, I want you to come back
00:30:10.73\00:30:14.66
as we close and think
about this, because this is what
00:30:14.69\00:30:18.59
I want you to say to
us when you come back.
00:30:18.63\00:30:20.36
How do you, on a daily basis
maintain a relationship with
00:30:20.39\00:30:25.46
God and your sobriety, whether
it is emotionally or drugs?
00:30:25.50\00:30:29.68
So we're going to go ahead
and take a break, and I what you
00:30:29.71\00:30:33.18
to think about that too, because
on a daily basis for a lot of
00:30:33.21\00:30:36.64
us we have to connect with
God and allow Him to continue
00:30:36.68\00:30:40.64
to work in our lives because
at any moment that addict can
00:30:40.68\00:30:44.61
jump up and say
wait, what about me.
00:30:44.65\00:30:46.65
So we will be right
back and hear how they do it.
00:30:46.68\00:30:49.54