Welcome back, you know on
the last segment I was talking
00:00:13.13\00:00:16.02
about the maintenance stuff
and what to do with exercise,
00:00:16.05\00:00:18.15
eating, and
sleeping and all that stuff.
00:00:18.18\00:00:20.99
I want to say that one of
the things, to that I realize,
00:00:21.02\00:00:24.09
is that I needed to
find out what God says as far
00:00:24.12\00:00:28.98
as in my recovery.
00:00:29.01\00:00:30.49
I have a couple Bibles and
a want you to grab what ever
00:00:30.52\00:00:33.41
one works for you.
00:00:33.44\00:00:34.41
I got one that's called
the Recovery Bible, and all the
00:00:34.42\00:00:36.45
way through the Bible it
actually talks about recovery.
00:00:36.48\00:00:39.00
It talks about anger, it
talks about lying, it talks
00:00:39.03\00:00:41.17
about all the good
stuff that we are stuck with.
00:00:41.20\00:00:43.89
It talks about all that
and this one right here that
00:00:43.92\00:00:45.89
I just got gifted from a
friend who is actually in the
00:00:45.92\00:00:49.31
café right now,
it's a study Bible.
00:00:49.34\00:00:52.37
So this one has a chain
reference throughout the Bible.
00:00:52.40\00:00:55.84
So if I want to look at faith,
or fear, or something like
00:00:55.87\00:00:59.31
that, it will take me from
one place to the next place
00:00:59.34\00:01:03.01
to the next place, where
the Bible talks about that.
00:01:03.04\00:01:05.61
So I'll get a really good
sense of what God wants to say
00:01:05.64\00:01:08.71
to me on that issue.
00:01:08.74\00:01:10.26
Some people stay away from
that, but if my best thinking
00:01:10.29\00:01:14.40
got me into this mess, I'm
going to need someone outside
00:01:14.43\00:01:18.41
of myself to get me out of it.
00:01:18.44\00:01:20.26
A lot of the 12 step groups
talk about needing a higher
00:01:20.29\00:01:23.40
power, I found out my
higher power is God, is Jesus
00:01:23.43\00:01:26.15
Christ, is the Holy Spirit
and so the only way I'm going
00:01:26.18\00:01:28.89
to find out what He wants
for my life is to actually
00:01:28.92\00:01:31.75
to get in the word.
00:01:31.78\00:01:33.03
What is really fun is the
book that we are offering this
00:01:33.06\00:01:37.24
season is by
Shelley Quinn, it's called,
00:01:37.27\00:01:39.54
'Pressing Into His Presence. '
00:01:39.57\00:01:41.11
It teaches you how to
pray and she sets aside now and
00:01:41.14\00:01:45.57
hour every day which
is prayer time with God.
00:01:45.60\00:01:48.55
That sounds like a lot,
but most guys I know spend
00:01:48.58\00:01:52.40
three hours watching
football so you have to
00:01:52.43\00:01:54.35
put it in perspective.
00:01:54.38\00:01:56.20
An hour a day gets you so
grounded in your recovery that
00:01:56.23\00:02:01.29
you will be surprised at
just how blessed you feel, how
00:02:01.32\00:02:04.23
healthy you feel and the
other things come easier.
00:02:04.26\00:02:06.87
So grab a Bible, if you
don't have one call here and get
00:02:06.90\00:02:10.37
one, go to a
bookstore, or ask friend.
00:02:10.40\00:02:13.82
Get a good Bible that you
like and teach yourself how to
00:02:15.01\00:02:20.45
pray and let the Holy
Spirit teach you actually.
00:02:20.48\00:02:22.49
I'm going to introduce you
to Raven, Raven I have to say
00:02:22.52\00:02:25.97
when I first met you
at Wildwood I was blessed.
00:02:26.00\00:02:28.45
I'm even more blessed
that you are on the program.
00:02:28.48\00:02:30.77
Thank you, thank you!
00:02:30.80\00:02:32.78
When we first met, I remember
just being down the hall
00:02:32.81\00:02:35.39
and around the corner, and
I heard someone just talking,
00:02:35.42\00:02:39.68
laughing and telling a story.
00:02:39.71\00:02:41.44
I thought who is that?
Because you sounded so much
00:02:41.47\00:02:44.77
like me I think, just
kind of loud and funny.
00:02:44.80\00:02:47.79
I realized that we
had met before too.
00:02:47.82\00:02:51.68
It was in DC at the 10
Commandments with 3ABN and I was
00:02:51.71\00:02:58.59
walking with a
friend and you saw me.
00:02:58.62\00:03:00.88
It was such a blessing,
you started talking to me as if
00:03:00.91\00:03:04.16
the Lord told you
to say something to me.
00:03:04.19\00:03:07.29
You offered me your
book about your testimony,
00:03:07.32\00:03:10.26
which I actually used
and gave to other young girls
00:03:10.29\00:03:13.05
that loved your book.
00:03:13.08\00:03:14.62
So yeah, we met then.
00:03:14.65\00:03:17.25
What was really fun is
that I love when God does that,
00:03:17.28\00:03:20.79
just says you know what,
you guys need to minister to
00:03:20.82\00:03:23.52
each other and I think
the thing that got me at that
00:03:23.55\00:03:29.14
point was telling
you that God is God.
00:03:29.17\00:03:32.88
He has a plan for our
life and that kind of stuff.
00:03:32.91\00:03:35.06
But you have an incredible
story and so I want you
00:03:35.09\00:03:38.05
to share where you came from.
00:03:38.08\00:03:40.29
Then if we can jump in on
talking about how you maintain
00:03:40.32\00:03:45.74
that about health, because
this whole program right now
00:03:45.77\00:03:48.23
is just about health.
00:03:48.26\00:03:50.01
But you came from
pretty intense places.
00:03:50.04\00:03:54.13
Well I was born and
raised in Washington, DC.
00:03:54.16\00:03:57.16
Ironically, I think for
God's protection for me, I can't
00:03:57.19\00:04:02.83
remember much, I
remember bits and pieces.
00:04:02.86\00:04:05.50
I know that I have 10
brothers in all, but I only
00:04:05.53\00:04:08.95
interacted with a few of them.
00:04:08.98\00:04:10.82
- why, where
they different places?
00:04:10.85\00:04:13.17
Well I was the
youngest, I was the baby so many
00:04:13.20\00:04:15.53
of my brothers were
gone from the home because
00:04:15.56\00:04:18.29
they were much older.
00:04:18.32\00:04:19.79
The youngest one, which
was closest to me at only five
00:04:19.82\00:04:21.52
years, I'm used
to him being around.
00:04:21.55\00:04:23.82
I knew there was a gentleman
coming here and there at
00:04:23.85\00:04:26.98
the time I did not
know it was my father.
00:04:27.01\00:04:28.87
It is weird because one
moment of my life I remember
00:04:28.90\00:04:32.70
being in a movie theater
with him, with another woman,
00:04:32.73\00:04:36.08
and I was, can I call you mommy?
00:04:36.11\00:04:38.58
Just because I wanted
to do that family thing,
00:04:38.61\00:04:42.46
and my brother started
laughing, and my father said,
00:04:42.49\00:04:44.91
don't you dare say that,
you only have one mother.
00:04:44.94\00:04:46.65
But to push forward in
the future when I was having
00:04:46.68\00:04:50.60
issues with the
learning, they said oh yeah your
00:04:50.63\00:04:53.75
child probably have
been a problem because,
00:04:53.78\00:04:55.05
it's probably the
divorce and I was thinking
00:04:55.08\00:04:57.09
what divorce, my
mother doesn't have a man.
00:04:57.12\00:04:59.21
It's just me, my
mother, and my brother.
00:04:59.24\00:05:02.65
I didn't even think sometimes
about my older brothers
00:05:02.68\00:05:05.58
until one day I said,
mommy, my brother is white.
00:05:05.61\00:05:08.04
She said no baby, he's
the light skinned and I said,
00:05:08.07\00:05:11.08
no, no, no, he is white.
00:05:11.11\00:05:12.41
It sounds like, at that
point, as a little girl you
00:05:12.44\00:05:14.20
were just starting to
look up and say nothing
00:05:14.23\00:05:16.78
is making sense to me.
00:05:16.81\00:05:18.29
It seems like was trying
to put the pieces together,
00:05:18.32\00:05:20.87
because in my brain
nothing was coming together
00:05:20.90\00:05:23.52
in a chronological
order, but my upbringing was
00:05:23.55\00:05:27.94
very disturbing, it was.
00:05:27.97\00:05:31.16
I was abused early and I
was picked on constantly.
00:05:31.19\00:05:37.17
It seemed like I
was just the underdog.
00:05:37.20\00:05:39.39
For the majority of my
life, after being raped, and the
00:05:39.42\00:05:45.37
difficulty that I found
the most is that no one seemed
00:05:45.40\00:05:49.04
to notice that
something was wrong with me.
00:05:49.07\00:05:53.07
- wow, nobody
was paying attention.
00:05:53.10\00:05:54.74
It was difficult, I
know my family, my mom,
00:05:54.77\00:05:57.28
dad was raised, I guess on his
own, he left the house at 16.
00:05:57.31\00:06:02.46
He met a group of men who
taught him that he should have
00:06:02.49\00:06:05.57
many wives, and so when
he married my mom he already
00:06:05.60\00:06:09.34
had other wives and
that was the difficulty.
00:06:09.37\00:06:11.99
My mom was raised with the
mindset that a man ever wants
00:06:12.02\00:06:16.32
you he'll leave you for a
light skinned woman because
00:06:16.35\00:06:19.52
you are just too dark.
00:06:19.55\00:06:20.92
So my father left her for
a light skinned woman and it
00:06:20.95\00:06:23.71
made such a difficulty.
00:06:23.74\00:06:25.54
So now she is a single woman
taking care of, at the time
00:06:25.57\00:06:29.05
then I knew of, a few of
my brothers because the others
00:06:29.08\00:06:32.61
were gone because
they were from other women.
00:06:32.64\00:06:34.12
She couldn't be there to
notice all that was going on.
00:06:34.15\00:06:37.63
So my brothers and I was
going through various different
00:06:37.66\00:06:41.54
things in life, and myself,
men would come around and I
00:06:41.57\00:06:45.54
did know how to handle that.
00:06:45.57\00:06:47.21
She never personally
brought men into the home,
00:06:47.24\00:06:49.20
but I was a kid that had
difficulties growing up with
00:06:49.23\00:06:54.94
my environment, I was
still an outgoing kid.
00:06:54.97\00:06:57.59
I wanted anyone and
everyone to feel loved,
00:06:57.62\00:06:59.66
it's a problem, it's a problem.
00:06:59.69\00:07:02.12
It's a problem because
you attract people that are
00:07:02.15\00:07:04.59
abusive, and they will
take advantage of a child like
00:07:04.62\00:07:07.68
that, especially
one that is needy.
00:07:07.71\00:07:09.57
One that doesn't have a
father to fill that void up.
00:07:09.60\00:07:12.62
The damage is really
intense really early.
00:07:12.65\00:07:15.94
As I was growing up my
brothers, they were very
00:07:15.97\00:07:19.28
protective but in the
environment we lived in,
00:07:19.31\00:07:22.16
there was many
murders, people wouldn't fight.
00:07:22.19\00:07:25.12
- they seem to
have the highest murder
00:07:25.15\00:07:26.43
rate in the nation.
00:07:26.46\00:07:27.94
People wouldn't fight, they
killed and I couldn't handle
00:07:27.97\00:07:31.65
at a young age, I could
not handle finding out one of
00:07:31.68\00:07:35.50
my brothers was
going to die because of me.
00:07:35.53\00:07:37.94
I wasn't worth it,
where did they get the idea?
00:07:37.97\00:07:40.02
I don't know, I just wasn't
worth that, so they didn't
00:07:40.05\00:07:42.97
know, my mom did
know, no one knew.
00:07:43.00\00:07:45.89
Because your fear was that
if I tell them I got raped,
00:07:45.92\00:07:47.85
they are going to go and
kill somebody, or be killed.
00:07:47.88\00:07:50.23
They are going to
want to protect me.
00:07:50.26\00:07:52.02
Also I could not read,
what I learned now is that when
00:07:52.05\00:07:57.59
you are damaged at a certain
age it is making everything
00:07:57.62\00:08:00.65
else difficult for you.
00:08:00.68\00:08:02.35
So for me, I could not read,
if you told me to pronounce
00:08:02.38\00:08:04.96
out a certain word,
difficult, even to this day.
00:08:04.99\00:08:07.98
It took up to the age of 20
for me to learn how to read.
00:08:08.01\00:08:12.77
The King James version
was actually taught me.
00:08:12.80\00:08:15.86
When you said you learned
to read through the King James,
00:08:15.89\00:08:18.18
because I love the poetic
thing of the King James, but it
00:08:18.21\00:08:22.43
is harder for me to read that.
00:08:22.46\00:08:23.68
I learned to read at 23, so
that was late, but King James
00:08:23.71\00:08:27.38
I would just say forget it,
I would have to get something
00:08:27.41\00:08:29.70
simpler, and now I
love the poetry of it.
00:08:29.73\00:08:32.38
But you learned
from the King James.
00:08:32.41\00:08:34.10
You see what happened was
when I was 14, this gentleman
00:08:34.13\00:08:36.76
raped me at 14, then by
the time I was 17, a guy called
00:08:36.79\00:08:41.58
me up before and told
me that he personally tried
00:08:41.61\00:08:43.85
to get me pregnant.
00:08:43.88\00:08:45.42
I was like man,
this is horrible.
00:08:45.45\00:08:47.20
My mother tried to teach
me Jesus, but it was like hey,
00:08:47.23\00:08:51.06
her and I didn't have
the best relationship.
00:08:51.09\00:08:52.87
I did know how to relate
to her because I assumed she
00:08:52.90\00:08:55.49
should have picked up
something was wrong with me.
00:08:55.52\00:08:57.79
- she should have protected me!
00:08:57.82\00:08:59.14
She didn't know, so at
the time I didn't know that.
00:08:59.17\00:09:01.75
It's hard, because it sounds
like what you were feeling
00:09:01.78\00:09:04.30
is that I wasn't being
protected by mom or anybody.
00:09:04.33\00:09:07.03
My mother and I, because
we didn't communicate, there
00:09:07.06\00:09:10.21
are things I didn't
understand even just about life.
00:09:10.24\00:09:13.00
Male and female interactions,
how I was supposed to act
00:09:13.03\00:09:16.08
with men, or anything.
00:09:16.11\00:09:17.88
One day I was in my
biology class, this is something
00:09:17.91\00:09:21.41
I didn't learn at home,
when my teacher started to talk
00:09:21.44\00:09:23.99
about male and female
interactions and how children
00:09:24.02\00:09:27.30
came about, I was thinking man,
this is not possible because
00:09:27.33\00:09:31.05
at 14, I should
have been pregnant.
00:09:31.08\00:09:34.25
But what you are saying is
I should have been pregnant,
00:09:34.28\00:09:38.04
but I'm thinking,
why wasn't I pregnant?
00:09:38.07\00:09:40.78
That's impossible, something
happened and it made me
00:09:40.81\00:09:44.52
start to think about something
must be greater than me.
00:09:44.55\00:09:48.03
If the human body does one
thing, and my body did some
00:09:48.06\00:09:51.78
thing different, then there must
be something greater than me.
00:09:51.81\00:09:56.23
That put me on a search, I
started questioning my hands.
00:09:56.26\00:10:00.24
I start to question why
the sky is hanging up there?
00:10:00.27\00:10:02.78
Where did rain come from?
00:10:02.81\00:10:04.38
You could tell me all the
chemical and blah, blah, blah.
00:10:04.41\00:10:06.68
Yeah, but where
did it come from?
00:10:06.71\00:10:08.57
I needed to know, so I
went on search of all world
00:10:08.60\00:10:11.10
religions,
difficulty was I couldn't read.
00:10:11.13\00:10:14.27
So that was my problem I
had, I had this desire to try
00:10:14.30\00:10:19.04
and understand these
words of different books and
00:10:19.07\00:10:21.22
religions, what
is higher than me?
00:10:21.25\00:10:23.48
Where did I come from?
How was I even created?
00:10:23.51\00:10:26.10
It has to be more
than I know so far.
00:10:26.13\00:10:29.02
Something and I ran away
from the Christian God because
00:10:29.05\00:10:32.72
my mother was a Christian,
00:10:32.75\00:10:34.62
and remember I didn't like her.
00:10:34.65\00:10:36.22
So I didn't want to
know anything about her God.
00:10:36.25\00:10:37.78
So I studied Hindu,
Buddhism, trying to talk to
00:10:37.81\00:10:42.09
other people and with
their great comprehension
00:10:42.12\00:10:44.83
I could read but not
much, if the words got too big,
00:10:44.86\00:10:47.40
it was too much for me.
00:10:47.43\00:10:49.02
I did settle back because
there were some good people
00:10:49.05\00:10:53.06
who were Christians, and I
settled back and said I will
00:10:53.09\00:10:56.55
try to learn
about the Christian God.
00:10:56.58\00:10:59.60
I did a King James version,
a living version and I am
00:10:59.63\00:11:02.47
studying back-and-forth
trying to understand the words
00:11:02.50\00:11:05.05
and for some reason
within one year my brain started
00:11:05.08\00:11:09.12
to attach to words.
00:11:09.15\00:11:11.06
I had an issue with my
mom, I said I need to leave
00:11:11.09\00:11:15.22
the home, this is by 17
that I said I need to find
00:11:15.25\00:11:18.79
where is this God.
00:11:18.82\00:11:20.81
By 18 I said I need to
leave home, I can't handle this.
00:11:20.84\00:11:24.01
Her and I did not have the
best relationship and again
00:11:24.04\00:11:26.22
she does not know why.
00:11:26.25\00:11:27.65
I had a gentleman in my
church, my mother forced us to
00:11:27.68\00:11:32.59
go to different
churches, all kinds of churches.
00:11:32.62\00:11:35.43
She stopped off at a Seventh-
day Adventist church when
00:11:35.46\00:11:38.20
I was 14, and I was
thinking you are all apostates.
00:11:38.23\00:11:42.08
My hatred for Adventist
was horrible, horrible.
00:11:42.11\00:11:47.48
- wait, I am Adventist,
but that was like your mom's
00:11:47.51\00:11:51.48
issue and it was
still with all that stuff.
00:11:51.51\00:11:53.55
Right, right in the thing
again is a misunderstanding
00:11:53.58\00:11:55.98
so because my mom
liked it, I didn't like it.
00:11:56.01\00:11:58.46
Nothing else, but I
still was on a search.
00:11:58.49\00:12:02.74
So I started to search
out God from the Bible.
00:12:02.77\00:12:06.26
I could understand, I
started understanding and I was
00:12:06.29\00:12:09.23
praising the Lord
that He was showing me Him.
00:12:09.26\00:12:13.00
In the word of God
I began to read more.
00:12:13.03\00:12:16.35
So the gentleman at church
said Raven, why don't you go
00:12:16.38\00:12:20.22
to this particular college?
00:12:20.25\00:12:22.14
I was thinking, sure
as long as it gets me
00:12:22.17\00:12:25.68
out of the house.
00:12:25.71\00:12:27.08
But you know, I know there
was a period of time where you
00:12:27.11\00:12:31.08
acted out, is
that not happening yet?
00:12:31.11\00:12:33.26
I'm more acting out not in
anger, that did not hit until
00:12:33.29\00:12:38.07
college, I acted out more
with being with many gentleman.
00:12:38.10\00:12:43.22
I needed to be with men, I had
to have at least five minimum,
00:12:43.25\00:12:47.22
just in case I can handle
silence, I couldn't handle it
00:12:47.25\00:12:51.40
at all, I had a
TV in every room.
00:12:51.43\00:12:53.18
It was the thing to
have and it was always on.
00:12:53.21\00:12:56.24
What I have to say too, is
a lot of people, and I don't
00:12:56.27\00:12:59.10
know if you see that even
now in the Ministry that you
00:12:59.13\00:13:01.30
do, but a lot of people
without fathers will search for
00:13:01.33\00:13:04.96
that male connection.
00:13:04.99\00:13:07.48
We are never going to find
it in intimate relationships
00:13:07.51\00:13:11.41
because we need a
father, but we don't know that.
00:13:11.44\00:13:14.53
Yes, and because of the
court situation between my mom
00:13:14.56\00:13:18.38
and my dad, he would have
to come back into the picture
00:13:18.41\00:13:20.63
at times, which would anger
me sometimes and then other
00:13:20.66\00:13:24.43
times it was, I just wanted
to be daddies little girl.
00:13:24.46\00:13:26.70
I just want to be daddies
little girl, but because he
00:13:26.73\00:13:29.17
didn't know how to connect like
that with me, I would go off
00:13:29.20\00:13:31.71
and be with whoever I could,
whether it was real or fake
00:13:31.74\00:13:36.05
they could tell me I don't
like you and I don't remember
00:13:36.08\00:13:38.61
your name, it didn't matter.
00:13:38.64\00:13:40.00
At least I could lie to myself
for the moment so I wouldn't
00:13:40.03\00:13:43.07
be alone, I hated to be alone.
00:13:43.10\00:13:45.59
For me the transition in high
school, which was being with
00:13:47.11\00:13:52.09
many men, then by 17
getting this epiphany, there is
00:13:52.12\00:13:56.98
a God, ironically I was
with one guy, I tried, I tried
00:13:57.01\00:14:02.07
my hardest to be with one guy.
00:14:02.10\00:14:03.83
He went off to the Marines,
he said Raven, I'll get you out
00:14:03.86\00:14:08.89
of the projects and I
will take care of you and
00:14:08.92\00:14:11.56
I will marry you.
00:14:11.59\00:14:12.70
That was the only relationship,
a one-year relationship
00:14:12.73\00:14:14.86
and he asked me to marry him.
00:14:14.89\00:14:16.56
Now I'm getting into knowing
God, and I am on the phone
00:14:16.59\00:14:19.39
with him and I said, I
need to get to know God.
00:14:19.42\00:14:22.25
I said that with confidence
and then I had a strict depth
00:14:22.28\00:14:28.25
of fear, because people
always said I was so stupid.
00:14:28.28\00:14:31.40
Raven you are just
dumb, you can't say anything,
00:14:31.43\00:14:33.95
you don't speak properly,
and what do I say to make up
00:14:33.98\00:14:37.74
for me for
saying something stupid.
00:14:37.77\00:14:40.02
He said I'm not ready for God.
00:14:40.05\00:14:41.65
I was like you know
what dude, I would be a slave
00:14:41.68\00:14:46.31
unto men, because I didn't
want to be alone, but for some
00:14:46.34\00:14:49.44
reason this time, it
was like you have to go.
00:14:49.47\00:14:52.85
I know you didn't just
say, and mind you at this time
00:14:52.88\00:14:56.12
I didn't even understand
the depths of what I was doing.
00:14:56.15\00:14:58.71
You know God just gave you
this boldness, I'm sorry this
00:14:58.74\00:15:01.69
isn't my direction, I
may not understand it yet,
00:15:01.72\00:15:04.42
but this is my direction.
00:15:04.45\00:15:06.00
Exactly, after that of course
I started to pick Christian
00:15:06.03\00:15:09.18
men, who at least said
they were Christians but we were
00:15:09.21\00:15:12.16
doing the same thing.
00:15:12.19\00:15:13.16
Try to understand, I'm having
sex, I'm not trying to stop
00:15:13.17\00:15:16.84
going to movies, he understood
Christianity and I didn't.
00:15:16.87\00:15:20.57
I was sitting there
thinking, you're just saying you
00:15:20.60\00:15:23.11
don't believe in God,
that was how my mindset was.
00:15:23.14\00:15:25.84
I didn't understand an
18-year-old boy saying I don't
00:15:25.87\00:15:27.95
want to stop having sex,
my mind says you don't believe
00:15:27.98\00:15:30.39
in God that I just
started to believe in.
00:15:30.42\00:15:33.08
Oh no, you have to go and
that pretty much became my
00:15:33.11\00:15:37.16
interacting with men, to
try to hold onto men and find
00:15:37.19\00:15:41.85
God, because my prayer after
that became Jesus if You are
00:15:41.88\00:15:45.57
a real God, can
you get me a man?
00:15:45.60\00:15:47.53
- can you settle this
for me? Somebody that's real
00:15:47.56\00:15:51.74
that is going
to take care of me.
00:15:51.77\00:15:53.19
- give me a good man that
I can get lost in, I don't
00:15:53.22\00:15:55.27
want to be at verbatim words,
I don't want to be myself,
00:15:55.30\00:15:58.00
I want to be what
ever He wants me to be.
00:15:58.03\00:16:00.02
Just find me a good Christian
man that I can get lost in.
00:16:00.05\00:16:02.92
That was my
prayer from 17 on to 20.
00:16:02.95\00:16:06.34
- because you know for a
lot of people that we don't
00:16:06.37\00:16:08.15
realize we don't
know who our self is.
00:16:08.18\00:16:09.80
I don't know what
it means to be myself.
00:16:09.83\00:16:11.40
So don't ask me to do that.
00:16:11.43\00:16:13.06
I've vowed that I wouldn't
have children, I refuse to
00:16:13.09\00:16:17.57
have any children in this
kind of family, in this kind of
00:16:17.60\00:16:20.36
neighborhood, and I refuse
to have anything more of me.
00:16:20.39\00:16:23.97
- talk about the projects,
because when you said getting
00:16:24.00\00:16:27.88
out of the
projects, what was that like?
00:16:27.91\00:16:30.09
A lot people
don't understand that.
00:16:30.12\00:16:31.51
Well the projects is pretty
much a city area of darkness.
00:16:31.54\00:16:35.16
It just seemed dark,
everybody's pregnant, they have
00:16:35.19\00:16:38.45
drive-by shootings, there's
always someone outside, there
00:16:38.48\00:16:41.26
are always people were
just there smoking and loud
00:16:41.29\00:16:45.31
and just noisy, that was
my impression at the time.
00:16:45.34\00:16:49.97
It was dismal, and everything
was pitiful and you are
00:16:50.00\00:16:54.46
never going to
make it beyond this.
00:16:54.49\00:16:56.59
If you can get out of
this, great, but if you can't,
00:16:56.62\00:16:59.70
let's just deal with it.
00:16:59.73\00:17:01.44
Just at 16 someone walked
up to me on the street and
00:17:01.47\00:17:03.59
said, so you're
not pregnant yet?
00:17:03.62\00:17:06.31
You don't have any children,
because they said happy
00:17:06.34\00:17:07.93
Mother's Day to me, and
I said I'm not a mother.
00:17:07.96\00:17:10.48
He was like, how
old are you? I said 16.
00:17:10.51\00:17:13.05
He said you're
getting old - I'm getting old?
00:17:13.08\00:17:16.99
I haven't even
finished high school yet,
00:17:17.02\00:17:19.34
but that was a common thing.
00:17:19.37\00:17:21.29
Even today you have day cares
in our high schools because
00:17:21.32\00:17:24.34
it is just a common thing.
00:17:24.37\00:17:26.42
You know when you said
that, the last time I went to an
00:17:26.45\00:17:30.10
area, when I went to the
projects it was too do Ministry
00:17:30.13\00:17:32.36
At a high school with day care.
00:17:32.39\00:17:34.89
Everybody had children,
some were 16 and had three kids
00:17:34.92\00:17:39.15
already and still trying
to finish their high school.
00:17:39.18\00:17:41.28
So when you say, that I
am trying to figure out life
00:17:41.31\00:17:45.72
and this is where my reality is.
00:17:45.75\00:17:48.69
I don't think we have
an idea of what that means,
00:17:48.72\00:17:52.21
and what God has to
reach into and just say,
00:17:52.24\00:17:54.63
baby girl, that wasn't it.
00:17:54.66\00:17:58.48
Oh, the next thing I had a
problem with, is being gay.
00:17:58.51\00:18:01.39
It was like, I was so
confused because I had all these
00:18:01.42\00:18:04.61
brothers, so I'm walking
around thinking I'm a guy,
00:18:04.64\00:18:07.45
although I am attracted to men.
00:18:07.48\00:18:09.94
I am still being called a guy.
00:18:09.97\00:18:14.05
Let me just say to you, I
have to say when I work with
00:18:14.08\00:18:18.45
people that are dealing
with sexual identity issues,
00:18:18.48\00:18:21.47
is that that we have
been raped, molested,
00:18:21.50\00:18:25.72
and you have all that
craziness, so for you to explore
00:18:25.75\00:18:29.59
well maybe I don't even
belong here, is an escape
00:18:29.62\00:18:33.56
we do not understand fully.
00:18:33.59\00:18:35.58
You have this reality that
is so skewed, you are walking
00:18:35.61\00:18:39.44
around now being
told that you are gay.
00:18:39.47\00:18:42.97
You don't have any babies,
- I virtually was told I was
00:18:43.00\00:18:47.20
gay, aren't you gay,
don't you have a man yet?
00:18:47.23\00:18:49.99
That made me search, if I
don't have a guy something is
00:18:50.02\00:18:52.17
wrong with me, but it also
made me think, maybe I am gay.
00:18:52.20\00:18:56.91
So I started to interact
with women on that level,
00:18:56.94\00:18:59.83
but the closer I got
to God, it seemed wrong.
00:18:59.86\00:19:04.19
I didn't understand it,
so I said you know what?
00:19:04.22\00:19:07.08
I'm going to let go, I
don't like the feeling of it.
00:19:07.11\00:19:09.07
I tried to smoke numeral
times, because I saw my brother
00:19:09.10\00:19:12.83
smoking, so I tried to smoke.
00:19:12.86\00:19:14.76
I hate immediate pain,
I despise immediate pain.
00:19:14.79\00:19:18.86
- so it is going to
cause me to cough like crazy.
00:19:18.89\00:19:21.60
- that's what I did the
first time, an immediate pain.
00:19:21.63\00:19:24.49
It has to go, I tried
to drink many of times.
00:19:24.52\00:19:27.74
My dad gave me something to
drink, my older brothers gave
00:19:27.77\00:19:30.02
you something to drink,
threw up every single time.
00:19:30.05\00:19:32.23
Immediately and for hours,
don't like immediate pain.
00:19:32.26\00:19:36.98
Then of course when
it came to the feeling,
00:19:37.01\00:19:39.78
again going back to the
homosexuality, the feeling
00:19:39.81\00:19:42.84
I got was uncomfortable.
00:19:42.87\00:19:44.91
Now before it made me
feel dominant, I can be better
00:19:44.94\00:19:48.37
than, I could take care
of you better than your man.
00:19:48.40\00:19:51.56
The closer I got to God it
was uncomfortable and I hated
00:19:51.59\00:19:54.64
that feeling, along with
other feelings I already had.
00:19:54.67\00:19:57.72
I'm worthless, I'm pointless,
so many times I tried to
00:19:57.75\00:20:01.34
kill myself, well I
won't mention that part.
00:20:01.37\00:20:04.75
So many times that try to
kill myself, so many times
00:20:04.78\00:20:08.36
you look at TV and it
gives you great ideas and so
00:20:08.39\00:20:12.13
hey, I tried every idea.
00:20:12.16\00:20:14.12
I walk down the middle of
the road, I would take pills,
00:20:14.15\00:20:16.00
I would do the cutting,
I did whatever it took and
00:20:16.03\00:20:19.06
I would just try it.
00:20:19.09\00:20:21.30
When I hear your story my
heart breaks because I think
00:20:21.33\00:20:25.23
that God is not afraid of
all the stuff that our pain
00:20:25.26\00:20:28.11
leads us to, a lot of
people are making judgments
00:20:28.14\00:20:31.66
about your walk, but God
is saying, don't blow that
00:20:31.69\00:20:37.40
candle out, don't distinguish
that flame, because she
00:20:37.43\00:20:40.78
will get it, she will
get it, and she will be okay.
00:20:40.81\00:20:43.46
We don't even know, we
don't know how wounded we are.
00:20:43.49\00:20:47.90
I wish our wounds
would show on the outside.
00:20:47.93\00:20:49.42
That might be frightening
to walk into the mall but if it
00:20:49.45\00:20:53.11
did, I wish our wounds would
show on the outside, because
00:20:53.14\00:20:55.77
when I see a lot of people
acting out in all different
00:20:55.80\00:20:58.95
ways, I know that underneath
all that their heart is
00:20:58.98\00:21:01.93
closed up and they
don't know who they are.
00:21:01.96\00:21:04.64
They do not know how much
they are loved, so it sounds
00:21:04.67\00:21:07.07
like you jumped in, in every
single place just saying do
00:21:07.10\00:21:10.36
I fit here, do I
fit here, do I fit here?
00:21:10.39\00:21:13.15
For me the closer I got to
God, you would think I would
00:21:13.18\00:21:19.33
want to stop
trying to commit suicide.
00:21:19.36\00:21:21.17
Oh no, I went to
a different level.
00:21:21.20\00:21:23.91
I started claiming Scriptures
for me to have to die.
00:21:23.94\00:21:27.12
- oh no, ouch!
00:21:27.15\00:21:29.68
You know it is better to
die than to gain so I would pray
00:21:29.71\00:21:33.14
come on God, - let's do it!
00:21:33.17\00:21:35.46
It's better to die, so
see I've been good today,
00:21:35.49\00:21:37.91
I've been good today, so
when I go to sleep tonight,
00:21:37.94\00:21:39.61
take me out, just do it.
00:21:39.64\00:21:41.66
It was horrible, it was
horrible because I would pray
00:21:41.69\00:21:44.62
prayers like this is the
night, this is the night for
00:21:44.65\00:21:46.83
me to die, you're
wasting a lot of time.
00:21:46.86\00:21:49.12
I don't want to live, I
would beg, I'm not loved,
00:21:49.15\00:21:53.91
no matter what
anyone says to me.
00:21:53.94\00:21:56.54
Raven you're so
talented, it didn't matter.
00:21:56.57\00:21:58.82
Raven you're so
beautiful, - I want to be loved.
00:21:58.85\00:22:00.90
I didn't get it, so for me
it was a difficult journey,
00:22:00.93\00:22:05.92
from 17, it got worse
after 17 because all the truth
00:22:05.95\00:22:10.44
I was learning was having
a war with what I was always
00:22:10.47\00:22:14.58
used to, and it
was a difficulty.
00:22:14.61\00:22:17.46
I can relate to that because
when I first started looking
00:22:17.49\00:22:19.65
at the Scriptures, everywhere
it said love it confused me
00:22:19.68\00:22:24.17
because I didn't have
that, I don't have that.
00:22:24.20\00:22:27.04
So it sounds like you
are feeling that same thing.
00:22:27.07\00:22:30.00
For me also, if someone
said, oh Raven, Jesus loves you.
00:22:30.03\00:22:35.16
Now mind you, I'm beginning
to believe in Jesus, but that
00:22:35.19\00:22:38.95
would stir a rage in me
because then my brain would say,
00:22:38.98\00:22:42.18
where was Jesus when
this man was touching me?
00:22:42.21\00:22:44.24
Where was
Jesus, where was Jesus?
00:22:44.27\00:22:46.53
It would just enraged me
and I would have such anger
00:22:46.56\00:22:50.20
with God, but I didn't
stop believing in God because
00:22:50.23\00:22:53.37
my mind was already set.
00:22:53.40\00:22:54.79
There is a God and now
I'm going to argue with You.
00:22:54.82\00:22:57.25
- so what's funny is
when you say, not funny but
00:22:57.28\00:23:00.90
strange, is when you say
you read the Scripture, every
00:23:00.93\00:23:03.19
place where it gave you in
your mind permission to take
00:23:03.22\00:23:06.08
yourself out, it really
wasn't even what the Scripture
00:23:06.11\00:23:08.44
said because Scripture
said, to live as Christ lives.
00:23:08.47\00:23:11.27
But having to get there,
how to get to that point where
00:23:11.30\00:23:15.21
you gave up suicidal stuff?
00:23:15.24\00:23:17.31
Where you allowed God
to heal you in that way?
00:23:17.34\00:23:19.32
I kept praying, that
is one thing I will admit,
00:23:19.35\00:23:22.48
God kept pushing me, there
is a Scripture in the Bible
00:23:22.51\00:23:25.43
that does say, I always
been the person who knows it's
00:23:25.46\00:23:28.29
been there, exactly
where, I would say where is it?
00:23:28.32\00:23:31.94
But it says I give you
all I cry, Abba Father and
00:23:31.97\00:23:37.25
I believe He kept giving
me this desire to pray to Him.
00:23:37.28\00:23:41.23
Whether it was give me a
man, or want to die, I kept
00:23:41.26\00:23:43.98
praying to Him. -
He was always there.
00:23:44.01\00:23:48.26
He was always there, so I
kept begging, please tonight
00:23:48.29\00:23:50.89
can you let me die?
00:23:50.92\00:23:52.58
Please, I don't
want to turn around
00:23:52.61\00:23:55.20
and hate You tomorrow.
00:23:55.23\00:23:56.86
The only thing I heard
verbatim words, if you will live
00:23:56.89\00:24:01.58
for Me, if you don't
like it I'll let you die.
00:24:01.61\00:24:06.15
- that is a huge surrender,
isn't that a huge surrender?
00:24:06.18\00:24:11.54
It takes your breath away.
00:24:11.57\00:24:13.15
Okay, I'll try to live
just for You without anything
00:24:13.18\00:24:16.68
about myself, I will
try to live just for you.
00:24:16.71\00:24:19.26
Then my prayer
stopped being, give me a man.
00:24:19.29\00:24:21.81
Now it was, help me love
You, because I don't know what
00:24:21.84\00:24:24.77
that means, help me
stop being angry with You.
00:24:24.80\00:24:27.16
Help me to understand my past.
00:24:27.19\00:24:29.55
Help me so You and I,
now the whole purpose is God.
00:24:29.58\00:24:32.44
So now you have to forgive Him.
00:24:32.47\00:24:34.24
I was very angry with God, I
thought it was all His fault.
00:24:34.27\00:24:36.82
Everything was His fault,
because I always believed why
00:24:36.85\00:24:40.08
didn't You destroy everyone,
the devil and everyone?
00:24:40.11\00:24:43.76
Why in my going through
this, and that was a battle.
00:24:43.79\00:24:46.77
The more I read, I love
the Old Testament, the more
00:24:46.80\00:24:52.19
I read the more I started
to understand God is not trying
00:24:52.22\00:24:55.65
to lose anyone, not anyone.
00:24:55.68\00:24:58.29
He is trying to protect,
when I was angry with Him about
00:24:58.32\00:25:01.51
when I got raped, how
is it that You let this
00:25:01.54\00:25:04.85
guy do this to me?
00:25:04.88\00:25:06.35
He said, how is it that
you don't want him to live?
00:25:06.38\00:25:09.01
I created him, he had
a bad circumstance too.
00:25:09.04\00:25:12.53
I'm trying to create
opportunities for you both to
00:25:12.56\00:25:16.26
know Me, but because
of bad circumstances,
00:25:16.29\00:25:18.66
neither of you know Me.
00:25:18.69\00:25:20.02
That begin to help me
understand God's placement.
00:25:20.05\00:25:22.34
What He is
trying to do in my life.
00:25:22.37\00:25:24.78
What He is trying to orchestrate
in having churches and
00:25:24.81\00:25:27.32
having Bible
studies, and having His word.
00:25:27.35\00:25:28.97
It started to make sense.
00:25:29.00\00:25:31.15
He wants everybody in recovery,
everyone to choose Him.
00:25:31.18\00:25:35.15
It is a difficulty because my
mind set is, you're hurting me
00:25:37.37\00:25:40.00
I want you gone.
00:25:40.03\00:25:41.83
He is saying, live for
Me, because if you live for Me
00:25:41.86\00:25:44.69
you will start realize that
the person who is hurting you
00:25:44.72\00:25:46.46
needs help too, and
that was hard for me.
00:25:46.49\00:25:49.48
As you get that though, did
He take you to a place where
00:25:49.51\00:25:55.77
you actually can
say, I forgive you?
00:25:55.80\00:25:58.32
Eventually - that's
a hard place to go to.
00:25:58.35\00:26:02.47
Last year, it took last
year because I would still,
00:26:02.50\00:26:08.38
I'm going on the age of 34
now, but I would still walk
00:26:08.41\00:26:12.49
out of church, walk out
of the church angry, cursing,
00:26:12.52\00:26:15.79
literally verbatim
curse words at him.
00:26:15.82\00:26:18.15
Someone did a program
about their father and I was
00:26:18.18\00:26:21.34
sitting back there
thinking, how could you not
00:26:21.37\00:26:23.17
have my father there?
00:26:23.20\00:26:24.57
How could you not,
whoa all this stuff
00:26:24.60\00:26:27.05
you're bringing back up again.
00:26:27.08\00:26:28.29
There were times I said
Lord what are you going to
00:26:28.32\00:26:30.68
get me some money?
chirp, chirp, chirp.
00:26:30.71\00:26:32.04
When my going get a
husband? Chirp, chirp, chirp.
00:26:32.07\00:26:34.87
I hate You just let me
die today, I'm tired of You.
00:26:34.90\00:26:37.72
And I would just
curse, curse, curse.
00:26:37.75\00:26:39.07
And then I hear, how is it
that you can live like your
00:26:39.10\00:26:43.84
earthly father's daughter
and get all these penalties,
00:26:43.87\00:26:46.88
but when you live like
your Heavenly Father's daughter,
00:26:46.91\00:26:48.99
you don't get any and
you want to question Me?
00:26:49.02\00:26:51.20
Because we do, I realized
at times I may know the word
00:26:57.05\00:27:01.22
of God, but I
choose to live my old ways.
00:27:01.25\00:27:03.70
I get comfortable when I
feel God is leading me to do
00:27:03.73\00:27:07.58
better things with my
life, I go back to my old ways.
00:27:07.61\00:27:10.67
I start to create
worlds in my head,
00:27:10.70\00:27:12.87
I live in two worlds.
00:27:12.90\00:27:14.55
Wow, this is the first
time I'm talking about this.
00:27:14.58\00:27:16.37
I live in two worlds, and
when I get uncomfortable with
00:27:16.40\00:27:20.50
life, I go into the other world.
00:27:20.53\00:27:22.88
When I'm bored with life,
I go into the other world.
00:27:22.91\00:27:25.59
When I'm stressed, I
go into the other world.
00:27:25.62\00:27:27.27
In the other world I
am the queen, I'm perfect,
00:27:27.30\00:27:30.46
nothing is wrong with me.
00:27:30.49\00:27:32.04
The problem is, only
recently my world has started
00:27:32.07\00:27:35.03
changing on me, and now
it is starting to abuse me.
00:27:35.06\00:27:37.50
Now I am begging God
to get me out of here.
00:27:37.53\00:27:40.42
Get me out of here, I
can't get out of my own head.
00:27:40.45\00:27:42.91
If I'm not in a paying attention
talking to you, my brain
00:27:42.94\00:27:46.92
will go off into another place,
00:27:46.95\00:27:48.79
it's like God stop me, stop me.
00:27:48.82\00:27:50.13
I love you saying that
Raven, the fact that a lot of us
00:27:50.16\00:27:54.88
in our recovery, because
of the junk we have learned to
00:27:54.91\00:27:59.63
disassociate, or to
go into that other place.
00:27:59.66\00:28:01.85
The other place is
safe for a long time.
00:28:01.88\00:28:03.95
I think what God says to
us is that if you trust that
00:28:03.98\00:28:07.95
other place too long,
it turns on you eventually.
00:28:07.98\00:28:10.59
Then it robs you of
living in the present, living in
00:28:10.62\00:28:14.10
your own life, and what
you are saying to Him now,
00:28:14.13\00:28:15.96
is do not let me
escape there anymore.
00:28:15.99\00:28:18.04
It is not working anymore,
like any drug, any addiction,
00:28:18.07\00:28:21.56
anything that is dysfunctional
it stops feeding that
00:28:21.59\00:28:26.28
need, God says the need
is going to be fed when you
00:28:26.31\00:28:30.21
figure out who
you are in Christ.
00:28:30.24\00:28:31.96
When you figure are
who you are in recovery.
00:28:31.99\00:28:33.49
When you can stay
present and laugh out loud in
00:28:33.52\00:28:36.41
your own skin,
and that is so scary.
00:28:36.44\00:28:39.76
It is perfectly scary.
00:28:39.79\00:28:41.38
Even like you said, I look
at you and think man you are
00:28:41.41\00:28:45.96
funny and beautiful and
talented, and you are like,
00:28:45.99\00:28:48.31
none of that matters
because I don't buy it.
00:28:48.34\00:28:50.87
God says that's
what I have to teach you.
00:28:50.90\00:28:53.50
I have got to teach you
that for whatever reason your
00:28:53.53\00:28:57.15
whole life you have
believed all these lies,
00:28:57.18\00:28:58.89
or were shown all these lies.
00:28:58.92\00:29:00.67
Right now, I praise the Lord.
00:29:00.70\00:29:03.41
It is to the point that I
walked into this year saying,
00:29:03.44\00:29:07.05
Jesus me and You, me and You.
00:29:07.08\00:29:09.45
And not only me and You,
but I want to connect back to my
00:29:09.48\00:29:12.10
family, because I
have distanced myself.
00:29:12.13\00:29:14.59
As much is the word of God
speaks to me personally about
00:29:14.62\00:29:17.45
making connections
and loving everyone.
00:29:17.48\00:29:19.89
Bringing people closer to
Christ, my family was not what
00:29:19.92\00:29:24.19
I was trying to work with.
00:29:24.22\00:29:25.60
- isn't that funny? - it is.
00:29:25.63\00:29:26.91
I made my friends my
family, so when they betray me,
00:29:26.94\00:29:30.48
I feel like death, I
feel like I need to harm them.
00:29:30.51\00:29:34.78
But now, ever since
I say you know what?
00:29:34.81\00:29:37.62
since November of last
year, I'm going to start making
00:29:37.65\00:29:40.16
my family my friends,
and my friends my family.
00:29:40.19\00:29:42.79
I'm going to make my family
everything, and me and God
00:29:42.82\00:29:46.22
everything, and that
started to change a lot.
00:29:46.25\00:29:49.87
Because there is that,
when God says I want to bring
00:29:49.90\00:29:52.88
healing into your life,
that healing into my life is
00:29:52.91\00:29:55.33
restoration of what ever
the devil has tried to rob me
00:29:55.36\00:29:58.12
of, and that is my family.
00:29:58.15\00:29:59.69
For a lot of us we
think, how can You fix that?
00:29:59.72\00:30:02.04
He's like because
remember I'm God. I can do that.
00:30:02.07\00:30:06.16
I want to jump back
into your past a little bit.
00:30:06.19\00:30:10.71
I know that at one point
in your life you started to
00:30:10.74\00:30:14.82
gain weight and do that
stuff and that is a huge part of
00:30:14.85\00:30:18.56
how God is healing you.
00:30:18.59\00:30:20.42
So talked a little bit
about that, how did that get
00:30:20.45\00:30:24.58
started, and how extreme
did that get, and what are you
00:30:24.61\00:30:26.96
doing with that issue?
00:30:26.99\00:30:29.09
Because that's all part
of the hiding and protecting
00:30:29.12\00:30:30.90
yourself. - that's true!
00:30:30.93\00:30:32.51
Always felt like a mini
Oprah, up down and up and down.
00:30:32.54\00:30:37.88
I would gain weight and
lose weight, gain weight and
00:30:37.91\00:30:40.33
lose weight, but I went to
grad school and I got to 220
00:30:40.36\00:30:46.75
pounds and I don't know how.
00:30:46.78\00:30:49.91
I would do the same exercises
and I would eat the same
00:30:49.94\00:30:53.97
way, why this
time I'm a vegetarian.
00:30:54.00\00:30:56.76
Still I would just gain,
and gain and gain to a point
00:30:56.79\00:31:01.55
that now when I get up
you hear cracking in my knees.
00:31:01.58\00:31:04.30
I lost all of fluid in my knees.
00:31:04.33\00:31:06.07
What I found out was
that my whole habit, I was a
00:31:06.10\00:31:11.50
vegetarian that didn't
eat any vegetables and didn't
00:31:11.53\00:31:14.03
eat any fruit, -
that is funny, - never.
00:31:14.06\00:31:18.46
That is funny though, I'm a
vegetarian but I stayed away
00:31:18.49\00:31:22.36
from vegetables.
- yeah pretty much!
00:31:22.39\00:31:25.37
No fruits, no vegetables,
loved sodas, loved juices.
00:31:25.40\00:31:28.73
Ate cereal, ate veggie
meat and that's pretty much it.
00:31:28.76\00:31:32.71
So you just stayed
away from meat? - yeah!
00:31:32.74\00:31:35.19
But you ate a
bunch of junk food?
00:31:35.22\00:31:36.61
- and cheese and everything.
00:31:36.64\00:31:38.29
Taco Bell was my friend.
That pretty much was my diet.
00:31:38.32\00:31:44.00
That caused a lot
of health concerns.
00:31:44.03\00:31:47.54
Now I had health
concerns before but they seem
00:31:47.57\00:31:49.92
to get worse after that.
00:31:49.95\00:31:51.60
To me I have to say health
concerns, as I have gained
00:31:51.63\00:31:57.38
weight and lost weight is
that I had these insecurities
00:31:57.41\00:32:01.52
or grew up with these
insecurities about who I am and
00:32:01.55\00:32:03.68
all that stuff, and now
with the weight you look in the
00:32:03.71\00:32:07.06
mirror and think
look at yourself.
00:32:07.09\00:32:08.81
I mean there's all that
that starts waking up too.
00:32:08.84\00:32:11.42
My skin was breaking
out and I'm fat, you look
00:32:11.45\00:32:16.50
at yourself and you look
ugly, you're confused as who
00:32:16.54\00:32:20.96
you are, and you are ugly.
00:32:20.99\00:32:22.22
The more, I just kept gaining
and went up to a size 24.
00:32:22.25\00:32:25.61
It was horrible, but
that is what I was use to,
00:32:25.64\00:32:28.57
I got use to it.
00:32:28.60\00:32:30.16
The Holy Spirit was
like, hon, I love you. - yeah!
00:32:30.20\00:32:33.16
Ironically me and my friends
would study health things
00:32:33.20\00:32:36.13
all the time, but I
never applied to myself.
00:32:36.16\00:32:39.38
I can teach you something
about health and would never
00:32:39.42\00:32:42.41
do it myself, that was
pretty much my lifestyle.
00:32:42.45\00:32:45.47
Follow what I teach
you but never do what I do.
00:32:45.51\00:32:48.50
So what I love about your
own recovery, about who God
00:32:49.64\00:32:52.89
is in your life, is that
in your own recover, what
00:32:52.92\00:32:56.79
finally got you to the place
where you said, I'm actually
00:32:56.82\00:33:00.66
coming to a place
where I am staying present.
00:33:00.69\00:33:03.13
I'm dealing with my health,
because you talked about at
00:33:03.17\00:33:05.59
the beginning of the program
when I told you about that
00:33:05.63\00:33:08.15
discipline thing, I'm not
good with that whole discipline
00:33:08.19\00:33:12.08
thing, but God says, I'm
like a father going to come in
00:33:12.12\00:33:15.98
and discipline you a
bit because I love you.
00:33:16.01\00:33:19.18
What was that like for you?
00:33:19.21\00:33:20.58
For me it was difficult,
in 2006 my brother went into
00:33:20.62\00:33:30.53
a coma, he's type 1 diabetic.
00:33:30.57\00:33:32.70
My world was, like if he
dies, I'm too young to have
00:33:32.73\00:33:37.88
a brother die.
00:33:37.92\00:33:39.59
I told God, you
know, this is not working.
00:33:39.63\00:33:43.43
One day I heard God
say, I can't save you Raven.
00:33:43.46\00:33:47.22
I was thinking about
death, because I was thinking
00:33:47.26\00:33:50.98
my brother was going
to die, and He was like,
00:33:51.02\00:33:52.92
I can't save you.
00:33:52.95\00:33:54.68
I was thinking Lord please
save my brother, please help
00:33:54.72\00:33:57.86
him live because I don't
think my brother had a close
00:33:57.90\00:34:01.01
walk with God,
please save him if anything.
00:34:01.04\00:34:03.88
But I can't save you.
00:34:03.92\00:34:06.21
I said why?
Because you won't let me.
00:34:06.25\00:34:08.42
I was like, how is that?
He said, your God is not Me.
00:34:08.45\00:34:12.34
Your God is food, your
God is television, your God is
00:34:12.37\00:34:15.35
everything but Me, you're
doing all the right things,
00:34:15.39\00:34:18.33
but you won't let Me
really work with you.
00:34:18.37\00:34:21.16
The reality is I'm out of
control, I have no control.
00:34:21.20\00:34:26.47
I eat all day, I drink
all day, I work and that's it.
00:34:26.51\00:34:31.56
I lived in an imaginary
world of Raven is always right.
00:34:31.60\00:34:35.59
Because I feel like I'm
always wrong, so I'm going to
00:34:35.63\00:34:39.59
self-destruct and
unless You force me to change,
00:34:39.62\00:34:42.48
You might as well let me go.
00:34:42.52\00:34:44.37
That was at the end of 2006,
and that is when the turning
00:34:44.40\00:34:48.76
point came, then it was take
my brother David to Wildwood.
00:34:48.80\00:34:53.12
I was like, I'm not
going to no Wildwood.
00:34:53.16\00:34:55.82
How did you know about Wildwood?
00:34:55.86\00:34:59.44
Did you hear about that?
00:34:59.47\00:35:00.92
I had some friends
that went to Wildwood.
00:35:00.96\00:35:02.26
It's a health center and
they will help him with his
00:35:02.29\00:35:05.05
diabetes. - yes, because
medication wasn't working for
00:35:05.09\00:35:07.81
him, he is been
like since he was 15.
00:35:07.85\00:35:10.27
So my thing was maybe
natural remedies can help.
00:35:10.31\00:35:13.18
So I will take him there.
00:35:13.21\00:35:14.43
Well he said no, and I
was like well 220 pounds maybe
00:35:14.47\00:35:18.10
I should go there, because
I don't know how I can teach
00:35:18.13\00:35:21.01
someone about health, no
one is paying attention to me.
00:35:21.05\00:35:23.89
That is
beginning to hurt my pride,
00:35:23.92\00:35:25.82
you're not listening to me?
00:35:25.86\00:35:26.93
Of course now, after a
while my anger has now built,
00:35:26.97\00:35:30.71
because now I'm not been
abused anymore so my anger
00:35:30.75\00:35:34.45
is beginning to build.
00:35:34.49\00:35:35.69
I was like you won't
listen to me, I will force you
00:35:35.72\00:35:37.73
to listen to me.
00:35:37.77\00:35:39.01
I was talking with addicts,
and my feelings would get
00:35:39.04\00:35:41.79
hurt for about a minute,
a minute and a half and then
00:35:41.82\00:35:44.53
I'm angry, so it
is pretty horrible.
00:35:44.57\00:35:47.11
So I'm saying Lord, I
can't change so You'll have to
00:35:47.14\00:35:50.95
force me and so He told
me to apply to Wildwood.
00:35:50.99\00:35:54.77
I said I don't
want to go to Wildwood.
00:35:54.80\00:35:56.67
So not to apply as to
go in as a guest, but apply
00:35:56.70\00:35:59.68
as a student? - as a
student. - oh my goodness.
00:35:59.72\00:36:02.63
Because we had no money,
were coming from the projects.
00:36:02.66\00:36:05.57
We're working to make
sure we pay the next bills.
00:36:05.60\00:36:09.67
What I love about that
is as a student at Wildwood,
00:36:09.70\00:36:13.70
I know you are going to
have classes on every one of the
00:36:13.73\00:36:17.04
subjects, you are great
have somebody teach you and be
00:36:17.08\00:36:20.35
with you and show you
how to apply it to yourself.
00:36:20.38\00:36:22.66
You will have people
that say it is time to walk,
00:36:22.69\00:36:24.89
it's time to get
outside, it's time to sleep.
00:36:24.92\00:36:27.04
I'm just thinking, when you
said God you will have to do
00:36:27.08\00:36:30.45
it, God is like,
all right, no problem.
00:36:30.49\00:36:33.13
I can do that. - I can do that.
00:36:33.17\00:36:35.12
So by December of 06 I
woke up one morning and I felt
00:36:35.15\00:36:40.81
I was going to
die, and I was so happy.
00:36:40.85\00:36:44.30
I felt for the first
time, He's going to let me die.
00:36:44.34\00:36:48.07
I was so happy and then I
woke up the next day and He
00:36:48.11\00:36:51.81
said you are
going to die to self.
00:36:51.84\00:36:53.63
I was so mad. - that is
not fair, that's not what you
00:36:53.67\00:36:58.23
meant and that's
not what I meant.
00:36:58.26\00:37:00.14
I felt I'm going to do when
Hezekiah didn't do, I'm going to
00:37:00.17\00:37:03.05
prepare my home, prepare my
family, I was serious about it.
00:37:03.08\00:37:05.92
I was serious about that,
I was going to prepare them
00:37:05.95\00:37:08.79
for my death and it upset me
something serious when He said,
00:37:08.83\00:37:12.10
no, you're going to die to self.
00:37:12.13\00:37:13.73
I said, you got
to be kidding me.
00:37:13.77\00:37:15.30
So is that when
you went to Wildwood?
00:37:15.33\00:37:16.79
I went to Wildwood and
the Lord truly help me die to
00:37:16.83\00:37:20.26
self, He help me to lose
weight in six to eight months.
00:37:20.30\00:37:23.70
I dropped 60 pounds.
00:37:23.73\00:37:25.46
He taught me His eight
laws of health, which you know
00:37:25.49\00:37:28.52
them, but to live
them is an experience.
00:37:28.55\00:37:31.43
I got into the word more, I
just became different person.
00:37:31.46\00:37:35.59
I really started to die to self.
00:37:35.63\00:37:37.62
What I like about that, is
that you are also are passionate
00:37:37.66\00:37:41.96
to teach other people
how to get to a place where
00:37:41.99\00:37:45.63
you can take care of yourself.
00:37:45.67\00:37:47.22
You can heal from
those emotional things,
00:37:47.25\00:37:49.19
heal from those
physical diseases.
00:37:49.22\00:37:51.93
So you stayed at Wildwood,
even after your stay there,
00:37:51.97\00:37:56.03
to teach them?
00:37:56.07\00:37:57.85
I'm the seminars coordinator,
I also teach health talks.
00:37:57.89\00:38:01.52
In my health talk classes,
what I used to present a health
00:38:01.56\00:38:05.16
message with is my
own personal testimony.
00:38:05.20\00:38:07.65
So now I'm teach other
people how to do the same thing
00:38:07.69\00:38:10.81
and I do seminars, three
a year just teaching them
00:38:10.85\00:38:13.94
God's way of life.
00:38:13.97\00:38:15.87
I have to say, when I
heard you present in the seminar
00:38:15.90\00:38:19.06
because you have been there
you know what it feels like
00:38:19.10\00:38:22.22
to be lost and
be out of control.
00:38:22.26\00:38:24.05
When somebody give you
all that back, you present all
00:38:24.08\00:38:27.00
that in the seminar.
00:38:27.03\00:38:28.43
So it is not just about
what you eat, it is who you are,
00:38:28.47\00:38:31.67
how you stay present, who
you are with your higher power,
00:38:31.70\00:38:34.86
with God, with all that stuff.
00:38:34.90\00:38:37.13
So it is not just one
thing, everything matters.
00:38:37.16\00:38:40.00
We are going to open it
up for questions, because
00:38:40.03\00:38:42.78
I want to just see what
your friends have to say.
00:38:42.81\00:38:45.49
So I want to start Esther,
with you, because I know that
00:38:45.52\00:38:49.04
you had a comment.
00:38:49.08\00:38:50.49
The Lord, I believe, has
blessed Raven in a way that
00:38:50.52\00:38:55.02
I can't even explain
because I met Raven at Wildwood.
00:38:55.05\00:38:59.10
I was visiting a friend
and he wanted to show us around
00:38:59.14\00:39:03.15
Wildwood, and I met Raven.
00:39:03.19\00:39:05.75
Her testimony is
not what I've seen.
00:39:05.78\00:39:09.62
The person that I met at
Wildwood was someone that had a
00:39:09.65\00:39:14.48
true relationship with God
and gave me the desire to be
00:39:14.51\00:39:19.30
like her, I
wanted that experience.
00:39:19.34\00:39:22.55
I want to know Christ that
way, because in myself I was
00:39:22.58\00:39:26.43
just looking
for a walk with God.
00:39:26.47\00:39:30.41
But she was so welcoming,
so loving while I was there,
00:39:30.45\00:39:34.19
it was like wow, the Lord
is really working in her life.
00:39:34.22\00:39:38.73
I really, really wanted
that relationship that she had.
00:39:38.77\00:39:42.63
Amen, I know that Raven
has influenced you to the fact
00:39:42.66\00:39:46.49
that you are in
Wildwood now taking the program.
00:39:46.52\00:39:49.26
I think that's incredible.
00:39:49.30\00:39:51.47
Angela, I know
you had a question.
00:39:51.51\00:39:53.16
Yes Raven, you talked about
dying to self and all that.
00:39:53.19\00:39:57.94
What touches me is that
your willingness now to die to
00:39:57.98\00:40:01.92
self and surrender and
make amends with your family.
00:40:01.96\00:40:07.46
My hurt is such that I
want my family to be a way from
00:40:07.49\00:40:12.95
me because it hurts.
00:40:12.99\00:40:14.91
I am getting to that place
where you are at, but see that
00:40:14.95\00:40:18.08
beautiful surrender in
your face and in your eyes,
00:40:18.11\00:40:20.53
being willing to be obedient
because God doesn't want
00:40:20.57\00:40:22.95
anyone to die like you said.
00:40:22.99\00:40:24.73
He wants them all to live,
but my feeling is stay away
00:40:24.76\00:40:28.84
from them a lot
longer because that hurts,
00:40:28.87\00:40:31.69
but I am getting to that
place and I appreciate that
00:40:31.73\00:40:34.81
you are willing to go there.
00:40:34.84\00:40:36.80
That is profound sister,
because it was in September
00:40:36.84\00:40:42.42
I said the same thing.
00:40:42.46\00:40:44.97
I was very honest with
God, I cannot handle my mother
00:40:45.00\00:40:49.54
dying, but if she
doesn't call I'm okay.
00:40:49.57\00:40:53.21
If I never talked to my family
I'm okay because I have built
00:40:53.25\00:40:58.57
a world of friends that
made me feel comfortable.
00:40:58.60\00:41:02.75
I didn't have a need, but I
had an emptiness inside of me
00:41:02.79\00:41:06.20
that ached and I did know
how to stop it from aching.
00:41:06.24\00:41:10.90
So I have to say, I love
question that says I have to
00:41:10.94\00:41:15.84
say what is interesting
is God just says that healing
00:41:15.87\00:41:20.84
is complete when all those
pieces are back on the table.
00:41:20.88\00:41:25.81
We want to say, but I
don't want is piece anymore,
00:41:25.84\00:41:28.35
and I don't want this
piece anymore, and I don't want
00:41:28.38\00:41:30.92
this piece anymore, but
God says when I bring it back
00:41:30.95\00:41:33.46
to you in health,
it will be different.
00:41:33.49\00:41:36.27
So that is what you are
saying, I have to have them
00:41:36.31\00:41:40.80
back my life. - I have to.
00:41:40.84\00:41:42.62
Not only that, the joy of
life never, could never fill
00:41:42.66\00:41:47.91
it until I say God,
give me love for my mom.
00:41:47.95\00:41:51.50
Like I began to really
see that my mom is a hurting
00:41:51.53\00:41:56.03
person, why understand all
of this, understand the word
00:41:56.06\00:42:00.52
of God, and can't
apply it to my mother?
00:42:00.55\00:42:02.86
Why can I apply it to my
brothers and why can't I apply
00:42:02.89\00:42:05.71
to the rest of my family?
00:42:05.75\00:42:07.38
When I made up my mind
to say I can't love them.
00:42:07.42\00:42:10.86
I'm not a loving
person, it is just not in me.
00:42:10.90\00:42:14.00
But you've already told
me that I can do nothing
00:42:14.03\00:42:16.79
without You, so I need
You to help me love her.
00:42:16.83\00:42:19.51
It opened my eyes to the
hurt that she is dealing with,
00:42:19.55\00:42:22.78
to the things she knew
nothing, she knew nothing of my
00:42:22.81\00:42:26.06
past, so I am blaming her
for things she didn't even know
00:42:26.09\00:42:30.08
about and that has given
me joy that I have never know.
00:42:30.12\00:42:33.63
When we talk about it, and I
want to address this a little.
00:42:33.67\00:42:37.15
But when we talk about
forgiveness, and God says that
00:42:37.19\00:42:40.38
even in the prayer that Jesus
taught us to say, as I forgive
00:42:40.42\00:42:45.26
those of others, as I forgive
the debts that were against
00:42:45.30\00:42:49.28
me, and I think I did not
relate that for a long time to
00:42:49.31\00:42:53.25
my family and God said
I want you to understand.
00:42:53.29\00:42:56.20
I want you to see the pain
that they have been through.
00:42:56.24\00:42:58.80
I want you to see all that
stuff and I remember not being
00:42:58.83\00:43:01.35
able to until I can see my
mom as a three-year-old girl
00:43:01.39\00:43:03.87
that was abused herself.
00:43:03.91\00:43:05.49
And it broke my heart
and I can say now to her,
00:43:05.53\00:43:08.74
as an adult woman, I
forgive you, I forgive you.
00:43:08.78\00:43:12.10
If there is anything I
can do to show you love,
00:43:12.13\00:43:15.12
I pray that God will
pour that into me because
00:43:15.16\00:43:17.96
I want to show her
that for her own healing.
00:43:17.99\00:43:20.72
So talk about how He did
that with you because I love
00:43:20.76\00:43:23.66
the fact that God
brings us full circle.
00:43:23.70\00:43:26.63
He says, you know what?
00:43:26.67\00:43:27.75
I'm going to bring
you all the way around.
00:43:27.78\00:43:29.50
For me He said, Raven
you argue with your mom that
00:43:29.54\00:43:32.72
you're different, like
stop making me like you.
00:43:32.75\00:43:35.25
Why don't you stop
trying to make her like you?
00:43:35.29\00:43:38.35
It's like so many times
you keep wanting her to do
00:43:38.38\00:43:41.43
something you don't
want to do, stop doing that.
00:43:41.46\00:43:44.52
She is an individual,
and that took a lot for me.
00:43:44.56\00:43:47.58
- let her be that. -
let her be who she is.
00:43:47.61\00:43:50.48
Let Me heal her the
same way I healed you.
00:43:50.52\00:43:53.35
Are you praying for her?
00:43:53.38\00:43:55.64
You have not
been praying for her.
00:43:55.68\00:43:57.23
Everything has been about
me so He took me back to the
00:43:57.26\00:44:00.43
first thought if you
will live for Me, if you don't
00:44:00.47\00:44:03.60
like it I'll let you die.
00:44:03.64\00:44:05.11
Again living for Me
means are you praying for her,
00:44:05.14\00:44:07.90
are you seeking her well-being?
00:44:07.93\00:44:09.78
As I talked to her now
our relationship is so much
00:44:09.81\00:44:13.50
different, our
communication is different.
00:44:13.53\00:44:15.41
- now you love her. - I love
her and speak Scriptures now,
00:44:15.45\00:44:18.91
so when she says things,
it's like why is she doing
00:44:18.95\00:44:21.76
this again, Raven and
Scripture will come to my mind.
00:44:21.80\00:44:24.58
I'll say that
Scripture and it inspires her.
00:44:24.61\00:44:26.62
It's like oh my
word, you are inspired?
00:44:26.66\00:44:29.20
I could have tackled
this a long time ago.
00:44:29.24\00:44:31.71
Well you know the Bible
talks about let them find favor
00:44:31.75\00:44:36.31
in my eyes, and I
thought what does that mean?
00:44:36.35\00:44:40.49
Talk about what that
means, because that is such an
00:44:40.52\00:44:43.43
incredible thing,
I can't muster it up.
00:44:43.46\00:44:46.35
But God give
them favor in my eyes.
00:44:46.38\00:44:49.20
I've learned this, if I
pray before I talk to my mom,
00:44:49.23\00:44:53.70
my pain of anger, because I
usually have a pain in my chest,
00:44:53.73\00:44:57.94
what ever she says it's
going to cause me to say this.
00:44:57.98\00:45:01.49
It goes away when I'm praying,
I pray from the beginning
00:45:01.53\00:45:05.01
of the conversation to the end.
00:45:05.04\00:45:06.35
That is my new thing now,
and now she sees me different.
00:45:06.39\00:45:10.56
She respects me now because
we used to argue, I hate you,
00:45:10.60\00:45:14.17
I hope you die and now the
conversation is that I just
00:45:14.21\00:45:17.75
want to see you
happy, want to see live.
00:45:17.78\00:45:20.36
Now that I respect her
for who she is, she now speaks
00:45:20.40\00:45:26.16
to me differently
and it is like wow.
00:45:26.19\00:45:27.87
That is so awesome, I
want to go ahead and say thanks
00:45:27.91\00:45:31.70
for being on the program. I
don't want to let you go now.
00:45:31.73\00:45:35.48
I know that you teach
this in seminars and stuff.
00:45:35.52\00:45:39.26
So when we come back, we're
going to take a break right
00:45:39.29\00:45:41.92
now, and I want to come
back and I want you to put that
00:45:41.96\00:45:46.37
teacher hat on, and teach
us something about recovery,
00:45:46.41\00:45:50.40
staying in recovery, healing
emotionally, but not in your
00:45:50.44\00:45:54.40
testimony, but
in a teaching role.
00:45:54.43\00:45:57.55
I want you to stay with us
because the fact that God brings
00:45:57.59\00:46:00.77
us full circle, the fact
that God says all that stuff I
00:46:00.80\00:46:04.51
am not afraid of, and I want
you to stay with us and hear
00:46:04.54\00:46:08.22
the next step of this.
00:46:08.25\00:46:10.79
If God was here I would
kiss Him right on the face.
00:46:10.83\00:46:14.36
I just would come
I'm so proud of Him.
00:46:14.39\00:46:16.10
I'm proud that whatever He
does and gives us courage to
00:46:16.14\00:46:19.51
stay in our recovery, stay
on this journey is amazing.
00:46:19.55\00:46:22.89
So we will be
right back, stay with us!
00:46:22.93\00:46:24.70