Welcome to
Celebrating Life In Recovery
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I'm Cheri, today
we're going to talk about
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freedom, God wants us
completely free and laughing out
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loud, loving our own skin.
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Come into the café and join us.
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Welcome back, we have
some friends of mine that
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I would like you to meet.
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When I first met Rachael
and Jason they were standing
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in my living room
talking about meeting God,
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the things they were
learning about themselves,
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and how they were healing.
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I just thought, I have to
have you tell everyone that
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because I was so blessed.
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I want to say thank you
for coming on, because I knew
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the first moment that I met
you, the first time you said
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today I am finally free,
I knew that I wanted you to
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share that with all of us.
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So thank you for
coming on the program.
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I want to start with Rachael,
you are fairly new to this
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whole thing, not
new to your recovery.
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So talk about your background
and where you have come
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from, then we'll get
into the good stuff about
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what you are learning now.
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My childhood was a mess.
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My mother was a workaholic
and my first step dad was
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sexually abusive
as well as physically.
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- where is your
dad? - oh somewhere.
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- so you just didn't
know him? - no not really.
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He tried to pop up in
my life every now and then,
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but it was after I got
clean and sober, and after the
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hardships and that was
one of those things where
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I decided misery is optional.
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I decided not to be in
that mystery anymore so
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I cut all ties with him.
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But my first step
dad was like I said,
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abusive in all the above ways.
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- was your mom not there?
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To me I can see that
whole thing where mom is working
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hard, trying to do the
right thing but not there,
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and this abusive guy
steps into your life that is
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not even your dad.
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Yeah, well it set the
tone for how men were supposed
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to be, it set the tone for
my future pretty much on how
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my body was, my
body was never mine.
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It was a tool, and
that's how I grew up in my life.
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And I used it until
the day I got healed,
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I used my body like that.
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I was a big self
mutilator growing up,
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to deal with that pain.
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For somebody that doesn't
know what self mutilating is
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please explain it to them.
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Oh, I cut myself, any time
I had to deal with any kind
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of emotional pain I
would start slitting my wrists,
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I would slit my legs.
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- not to die? - no, just
so, because the physical pain
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was so much easier
than the emotional pain.
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I can't deal with
emotional pain and that is
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why became a drug addict.
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- you had control
over the physical pain?
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Yes very much so, it was by
my own doing and my own hand.
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I tried to kill
myself numerous times.
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The last time somebody
told me, Joe told me that I'm on
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God's time now, so it's
like I needed to do it right.
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- Joe is one of my pastors.
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And awesome man, and
awesome man saved my life.
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- he really is.
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He just, I'm
sorry, I'm so sorry.
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I got out of a mental hospital
and I was doing IV drugs,
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meth was my favorite, and
I tried to commit suicide.
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I took three bottles
of prescription pills.
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- how old were you? - I was 18.
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The first time I've tried
to commit suicide I was 15.
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The last time I did, I took
those three bottles of pills
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and when I woke about
was so angry, I was so angry
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because I did not
want to live anymore.
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- It's like I
can't even do this right?
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It was just one more
time and I couldn't do it.
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I was in an abusive relationship
and I had started doing
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drugs when I was 12.
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It was amazing and awesome
and it was a little bit better
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than cutting myself
because that I didn't have
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to feel anything at all.
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When I tell people
things I felt with doing drugs
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and alcohol, I
didn't have to feel and that
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was the best part.
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With a lot of people, and a
lot of people that haven't gone
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in that direction or
haven't had that much pain.
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I don't think they have a
clue why some of us choose
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drugs and alcohol,
I don't want to feel,
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I don't want to kill myself
and that is the only choice
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I have when I'm not high.
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Yeah, there so much
pain, I mean, I don't know,
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I'm so sorry, there
was so much pain my life.
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My mom was never around.
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There was about a year
and a half when she divorced
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my stepdad, my first step
dad, that she decided to come
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around and she was home more.
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It was just, the
damage had already been done.
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- that I think is interesting,
that now you want to
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be a mom? I hate you, I
don't want you in my life.
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I'm not listening and I'm
not doing any of that stuff.
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So it sounds like you
jumped into that pretty early.
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So did you finish school,
did you do any of that stuff?
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Oh yes sorry, I was jumping
around. - that's all right!
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I tried to go to school, I
went to school in a very small
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town because after my mom
remarried she moved us out into
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the middle of nowhere.
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The closest neighbor was a
mile away, so I was even more
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secluded because by
the time I would wake up,
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she was already gone to work.
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By the time I went to bed
she would be just coming home.
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So it was just, it was
just a nightmare growing up.
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Being bipolar didn't help.
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She was, or you was bipolar?
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I was bipolar, I am bipolar.
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So diagnosed with
bipolar - at what age? - at 14.
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You know my favorite aunt
was bipolar, and I have to say
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I think there is a
special place in heaven.
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Because that is a hard one,
hormonally all over the board
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and with all this junk on
top of that, I am feeling crazy
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and I don't know how to
control it and there is no one
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around that is consistent,
and the drugs help some.
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I was self-medicating,
I'm going to try and
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do anything to be normal.
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But when I went to
school in this very small town,
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everybody was related, and
they were in their own type
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of religion there and I had
short hair and I wasn't part
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of their religion so I was
a gay devil worshiper in their
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eyes, and it was relentless.
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Every day, I
couldn't get a break anywhere.
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So then my mom decided it
was going to best for me to
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move me to the big city school
it was awesome, I will tell you.
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Is that were all
the drugs opened up?
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That is when the drugs opened
up, drinking started at home
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because my mom was never
home and there was alcohol in
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the cabinets, so I
would help myself to whatever.
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Nobody ever noticed, but
the drugs started when I went
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to the big city schools.
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I dropped out in the ninth
grade because it got in the
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way of my using,
because I wanted to use all day,
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every day and when
someone is telling you,
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you have to be in a
structured environment and
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you can't use
between this and this time,
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I was like no, no
I'm not having that.
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So I dropped out and
I thought I had it all.
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I didn't want to live with
my mom anymore because I had
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already been raising
myself, so I told my mom,
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I'll see you later
and I moved to Georgia.
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I lived my aunt there for
a month and then I ran away.
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That is when the fun
stuff started happening.
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- because running away on
the streets and I know the
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options on the
streets for survival,
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so what did you jump into there?
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Prostitution. - that is
still is even hard to say?
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It is. - and I want to
hold you because I know it is
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hard to say and it
still brings you pain.
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But you do know
that you are forgiven?
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Oh yes! - okay, good!
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So you jumped into all
that, and what is really tough
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about that again is even
with someone who talks about
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the drugs, and all that
stuff, is that because it is
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something you can
finally control, then it is not
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somebody acting out on
you, now I have control of this.
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There is a sense
of power in that.
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Oh, very much so, very much so.
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When going back through
my healing, I found out that
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I had felt unwanted
and unloved my whole life.
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In doing my prostituting,
you were paying me because
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you want me,
finally somebody wants me.
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I have your complete
100%, undivided attention.
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It was the same way as I
felt when being physically
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abused, I have your full
attention, I am all you are
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thinking about for right now.
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- that works for a while.
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That was love to me
and it worked for a while.
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- I want to scream when
I hear that, because I know
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there is thousands of folks
that that is love for them.
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Men and women that are
out there prostituting,
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and sometimes I see them and
it just want to stop and say,
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I am sorry, I don't know
what happened but I'm sorry.
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How long were you
stuck into that world?
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A year, a year and then
I went bouncing around from
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house to house, I would
sleep on the streets or where
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ever I could
find a place to stay.
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You know I don't know
what it was, I guess it was the
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Holy Spirit, telling
me this isn't for you.
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So I called my mommy up
and told her I can't do this
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anymore, so I had to hide
out for a little bit until
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the plane got
there, and I took off.
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Did you actually, when you
said the Holy Spirit said to
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you, or you felt like the
Holy Spirit was directing that,
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what was that like?
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Because most people
will say, really you are out
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there doing all
this stuff, and you think
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God is speaking to you?
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So what was that like
for you, that you sensed that
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this was something
different, this was probably
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God speaking to you?
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It was said with love, because
I heard voices in my head
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a lot and it was said with love.
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- it just broke
through all those voices?
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- yeah, and I had never
felt anything like that before,
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and I knew I
couldn't do it anymore.
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I knew I would be dead
within a year if I kept living
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that way, I was a
full-blown alcoholic.
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I would wake up with the
shakes, and I would have to
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drink, there was no way
around it and being 16 something
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clicked and the Holy Spirit
was like, this isn't for you.
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You need to get to a safe place.
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I moved, I moved back to
Idaho with my mom and I had it
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in my mindset,
this is it, this is it.
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I'm going to get my life
together, I got my GED and that
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lasted for about a month.
00:12:11.15\00:12:12.38
- for an addict
that is a long time,
00:12:14.37\00:12:15.93
a longtime, a month.
00:12:15.96\00:12:17.50
It was a long time, I
got myself enrolled in beauty
00:12:17.54\00:12:20.07
school and this was it.
00:12:20.10\00:12:21.94
Then I got introduced into meth.
00:12:21.98\00:12:24.40
There is a lot of meth in
Idaho, I guess a lot of states.
00:12:24.43\00:12:29.31
Well Idaho, in
Pocatello is the third-highest
00:12:29.35\00:12:36.49
in the United States.
00:12:36.53\00:12:39.18
I mean it was a fun ride,
and I always tell everybody
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well God wanted me to
learn and to learn fast.
00:12:44.64\00:12:47.14
I hit the ground
running, and that's what I did.
00:12:47.18\00:12:49.61
Smoking wasn't good enough
for me, so within that first
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month of doing meth
I'd started slamming it.
00:12:52.72\00:12:55.33
For people who do not
know what slamming it is?
00:12:55.36\00:12:57.93
I started injecting
it, IV, using needles.
00:12:57.97\00:13:01.85
That became my drug of choice.
00:13:01.88\00:13:04.29
We have talked about a
number of addictions when we do
00:13:04.33\00:13:09.38
this program, it takes a
while to develop this full-blown
00:13:09.41\00:13:14.43
addiction, this
addicts your personality.
00:13:14.47\00:13:16.78
I look at you and I think
that at that point in your
00:13:16.82\00:13:20.06
life, especially choosing
meth, it's like the whole world
00:13:20.10\00:13:24.00
can just back away from me.
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I'm fine and I am
going to take what I need.
00:13:27.09\00:13:29.58
That power is unbelievable
when you get to that place,
00:13:29.62\00:13:32.47
you are not going to hurt
me, in fact I will hurt you
00:13:32.51\00:13:35.33
first, and I can see
you in that right there.
00:13:35.36\00:13:39.51
Just that I am going to be
in control of my own, even if
00:13:39.54\00:13:42.30
it is my own
death, it is my own death,
00:13:42.34\00:13:44.28
but I am in control.
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Well it 15 I knew I was
going to die of a drug overdose
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by the time I was 18, I knew it.
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I'm sure that was adversary
talking to me, but I just
00:13:50.18\00:13:53.46
knew it. - and could care
less. - I could care less.
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I wanted it that way.
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The needle became my life,
and one friend told me once,
00:14:02.75\00:14:08.21
that is how I viewed it,
would you rather have one really
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long day, or a
bunch of bad days?
00:14:13.71\00:14:16.14
I chose one really long
bad day, because with meth
00:14:16.18\00:14:20.72
I would stay up
for days, weeks on end.
00:14:20.75\00:14:22.95
You get so
psychotic and so crazy.
00:14:22.99\00:14:25.31
- oh that was my favorite
because then nothing was real
00:14:25.35\00:14:27.42
to me. - because you
could jump out of reality?
00:14:27.45\00:14:31.58
Oh yeah,
reality was too painful.
00:14:31.62\00:14:34.51
The delusions are intense
when you're up for weeks.
00:14:34.55\00:14:39.05
Oh yes, I have been up
for nine days and I had a pet
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tarantula, and it has
little sand type stuff in the
00:14:43.74\00:14:47.72
bottom of her cage, and
after our was up for that long
00:14:47.76\00:14:51.71
I thought they were worms.
00:14:51.75\00:14:53.23
So I thought these
maggots were eating my spider,
00:14:53.27\00:14:56.33
so I'm throwing all the
sand out of her cage because
00:14:56.36\00:14:59.39
I thought they
were eating my spider.
00:14:59.42\00:15:01.19
But it was sand, it was
delusional, just complete.
00:15:01.23\00:15:06.50
None of the reality
could cause you any pain?
00:15:08.18\00:15:10.83
When you were in
that state? - no!
00:15:10.86\00:15:13.01
Don't you wish somehow you
could explain that to someone
00:15:13.05\00:15:15.89
that is even judging an addict?
00:15:15.93\00:15:17.87
If we understood the fear
and the damage that they were
00:15:17.91\00:15:22.93
running from, we would
just want to love them.
00:15:22.97\00:15:25.20
We would really step in,
in a whole different way.
00:15:25.23\00:15:27.43
So you ended up, what
happened with the meth?
00:15:27.46\00:15:31.29
Did you have a breakdown?
Because you get crazy.
00:15:31.33\00:15:36.22
No, I was homeless for a
little bit and then I found
00:15:36.25\00:15:39.99
this man and a knew he
was going to be my knight in
00:15:40.03\00:15:43.74
shining armor, and I
did not like him at all.
00:15:43.77\00:15:46.26
This is what drugs
do to you, I hated him.
00:15:46.30\00:15:48.17
Your suppose to like
knights in shining armor?
00:15:48.21\00:15:50.05
That's how messed up my
thinking was, he was my knight
00:15:52.93\00:15:57.30
in shining armor,
but I didn't like him.
00:15:57.34\00:15:59.11
I didn't like who he
was, but he had the dope,
00:15:59.14\00:16:01.29
he had the drugs for me,
he had a place for me to stay,
00:16:01.33\00:16:03.80
and he had a bed
for me to sleep in.
00:16:03.84\00:16:04.99
So he was my knight in
shining armor because he had all
00:16:05.03\00:16:08.01
of these material
things that I needed.
00:16:08.05\00:16:10.44
It turned out to be a
huge mistake, he ended up being
00:16:10.47\00:16:15.33
married and I got to
renounce that moral failure and
00:16:15.36\00:16:20.18
that was amazing in itself.
00:16:20.21\00:16:23.01
He ended up being married,
I did know he was married.
00:16:23.04\00:16:25.77
I was at the house one day
and she comes walking in and
00:16:25.81\00:16:28.50
said, where is my husband?
00:16:28.54\00:16:30.08
I'm like who is your husband?
00:16:30.11\00:16:31.58
Low and behold he was married,
but that did not stop me
00:16:31.62\00:16:36.15
at all because he still had
what I needed, and that ended
00:16:36.18\00:16:40.68
up being a very
abusive relationship as well.
00:16:40.71\00:16:43.40
What was enough for me, I
had taken some mushrooms and
00:16:43.43\00:16:50.42
I was hallucinating
pretty bad and I looked in the
00:16:50.45\00:16:57.37
mirror, which is a big no-no,
but I looked in the mirror
00:16:57.40\00:17:00.15
and my skin was completely gray.
00:17:00.18\00:17:03.33
I had bruises all up and
down my arms, had abscesses all
00:17:04.72\00:17:07.55
over my arms from
missing, from shooting up.
00:17:07.59\00:17:10.30
I was 130 pounds, and I am
a big girl, so for me to be
00:17:12.84\00:17:17.06
that, you can see every,
literally every bone in my body.
00:17:17.09\00:17:20.89
My eyes were completely
sunken in and I looked in the
00:17:20.92\00:17:24.68
mirror, and it wasn't me.
00:17:24.71\00:17:27.61
I did not recognize that
person and I was so scared that
00:17:27.64\00:17:31.53
I literally thought that
was the devil looking back at
00:17:31.57\00:17:35.42
me, I was terrified.
00:17:35.46\00:17:37.37
I called my mom and she
told me to get on my knees,
00:17:37.41\00:17:43.09
it was probably one
o'clock in the morning,
00:17:43.12\00:17:44.37
she told me get on your
knees Rachael and you need
00:17:44.40\00:17:47.49
to ask God to help you.
00:17:47.53\00:17:49.25
I was like no, no,
no you don't understand,
00:17:49.29\00:17:52.02
I need to go to rehab now.
00:17:52.06\00:17:53.26
She said it's one o'clock
in the morning and there is
00:17:53.29\00:17:55.71
nothing I can do for you.
00:17:55.75\00:17:57.09
She told me to do that so
after I got off the phone with
00:17:57.13\00:17:59.60
her, I fell on my knees,
I didn't get on my knees,
00:17:59.63\00:18:04.19
I literally fell to the ground
on my knees and I asked God
00:18:04.23\00:18:07.82
for His help, simple
words, please help me.
00:18:07.86\00:18:11.17
It is not complicated. -
Oh yeah, God understands.
00:18:12.65\00:18:15.45
I don't even know what
else to say, nor have the words
00:18:15.48\00:18:18.25
to say, but He goes
right to your heart.
00:18:18.28\00:18:20.01
He said the Holy
Spirit knows exactly
00:18:20.05\00:18:21.74
what you just asked.
00:18:21.78\00:18:23.24
Oh yeah, I fell asleep
immediately, which was a miracle
00:18:23.27\00:18:26.91
in itself, I mean
immediately I fell asleep.
00:18:26.95\00:18:29.37
I woke up the next morning
with my mom kicking me and
00:18:29.40\00:18:31.92
telling me to get on a plane.
00:18:31.95\00:18:33.27
- to go to rehab?
To go to rehab yes.
00:18:33.31\00:18:35.83
So what was rehab like, because
you have to go in through
00:18:37.94\00:18:41.10
horrendous withdrawals,
from alcohol, from the drugs,
00:18:41.13\00:18:44.53
from that lifestyle.
00:18:44.56\00:18:46.28
It was horrific, I won't lie.
00:18:46.32\00:18:50.45
I did not like getting
sober, but I was so beat up that
00:18:50.48\00:18:54.67
I was done, I was just done
and I couldn't do it anymore.
00:18:54.71\00:18:58.87
I was willing to do
anything they told me to do.
00:18:58.90\00:19:01.44
I remember you telling me
one time about a letter that
00:19:01.47\00:19:06.07
you wrote
saying, goodbye to meth,
00:19:06.10\00:19:08.30
talk about that letter.
00:19:08.34\00:19:10.72
They made us write a goodbye
letter to the drug of choice.
00:19:10.75\00:19:14.32
When I wrote that goodbye
letter, it was a goodbye letter
00:19:15.92\00:19:19.46
to the love of my life.
00:19:19.49\00:19:21.19
I had seriously felt,
that this drug, was more to the
00:19:21.23\00:19:25.25
needle, because it didn't
matter if it was meth or not,
00:19:25.28\00:19:29.26
I would have put anything
in the needle as long as
00:19:29.30\00:19:31.48
it was going in my arm.
00:19:31.52\00:19:33.21
I said goodbye to that and
it was the love of my life.
00:19:33.25\00:19:36.54
It was the one thing that
has been consistent in my life?
00:19:36.57\00:19:39.83
Yes, how I viewed it was
that it never let me down,
00:19:39.86\00:19:44.20
it was always there, and
made me not feel, it could do
00:19:44.24\00:19:48.55
work for me that I
could never ever do.
00:19:48.58\00:19:50.92
That is how I viewed it,
and the biggest line I put in
00:19:50.96\00:19:54.69
that letter was, the love I
had for you couldn't compare
00:19:54.72\00:19:58.42
to the control you had over me.
00:19:58.46\00:20:00.63
That is exactly what it was.
00:20:00.67\00:20:02.77
- I have to say goodbye.
Yes, and I had to say that
00:20:02.81\00:20:05.45
I needed that
closure, and it was a closure.
00:20:05.49\00:20:08.34
Some people, they really
do need to write that letter,
00:20:08.38\00:20:12.97
they need to literally talk
to this drug, as I have been
00:20:13.00\00:20:16.30
in a relationship with
this drug more than anyone in my
00:20:16.34\00:20:19.60
life, I have to say goodbye.
00:20:19.64\00:20:22.46
I would have to say to a
normal person that sounds crazy.
00:20:22.50\00:20:26.38
When your writing the
letter, everything in you just
00:20:27.85\00:20:29.98
weeps. - oh, it was horrible.
00:20:30.01\00:20:32.92
I mean seriously, I felt
more love for the drug and
00:20:32.96\00:20:37.19
that needle, than I did my mom.
00:20:37.22\00:20:40.00
I was willing to
trade anything for it.
00:20:40.04\00:20:42.29
I mean obviously, anything.
00:20:42.33\00:20:46.11
You know saying
goodbye, writing that letter,
00:20:46.14\00:20:49.25
talk about what they did
for you as far as freedom.
00:20:49.29\00:20:54.79
We got to burn it, and
watching the flames, watching it
00:20:54.83\00:20:59.25
all crumble up and go up
in smoke it was very freeing.
00:20:59.28\00:21:03.67
I knew I had
actually that choice today.
00:21:03.71\00:21:06.57
In my addiction I never
felt like I had a choice.
00:21:06.60\00:21:09.29
I just thought it was my
burden to bear, and this was
00:21:09.33\00:21:11.98
my life, and this
was just how it was.
00:21:12.02\00:21:14.19
When I actually got to see
that and say goodbye and see
00:21:14.23\00:21:17.07
it burning, I knew
that I had a choice.
00:21:17.11\00:21:19.79
- the first time in your life?
00:21:19.83\00:21:21.65
Oh yes, in rehab they
showed me how to live my life.
00:21:21.68\00:21:26.22
It was amazing.
00:21:26.26\00:21:28.96
It makes me think
about, just watching your eyes,
00:21:28.99\00:21:32.60
it makes me think about
that moment for myself, because
00:21:32.64\00:21:35.56
when you do get that
moment you know I can make a
00:21:35.60\00:21:39.38
decision today, it's not
going to be easy, but I can make
00:21:39.42\00:21:42.29
that decision and all of
a sudden you are empowered
00:21:42.32\00:21:45.16
in a way that you have never
been to just step into your
00:21:45.20\00:21:49.10
life, and you
want to thank somebody.
00:21:49.13\00:21:54.05
Can I thank somebody can
I just say, and really the
00:21:54.09\00:21:56.79
people around you to
thank right now are the people
00:21:56.82\00:21:59.28
in rehab, the people
that are working and have done
00:21:59.32\00:22:01.86
the groups, and you don't
even know that you can take
00:22:01.90\00:22:04.41
that a step higher yet.
00:22:04.44\00:22:06.65
See that's really
funny, I have a story for that.
00:22:06.68\00:22:08.85
The rehab ended up
kicking me out. - ouch!
00:22:08.88\00:22:13.25
Well because I didn't
accept God into my life then.
00:22:13.29\00:22:16.91
They told me I had to
believe in God and do all this
00:22:16.95\00:22:20.54
stuff, I still didn't
accept Him in my life.
00:22:20.57\00:22:24.08
Can you tell us why?
Because I think the why's in our
00:22:24.12\00:22:28.99
journey are as
important as when we get it.
00:22:29.03\00:22:32.16
The why's talk about all
the lies that have been told
00:22:32.19\00:22:36.71
about God, and about our
need and dependency on something
00:22:36.75\00:22:40.98
outside of ourselves, so
why when they said God is the
00:22:41.01\00:22:45.20
answer, a higher
power, you said, fffh!
00:22:45.24\00:22:47.65
Because I blamed Him, I
blamed Him for everything.
00:22:47.69\00:22:51.40
Why would this wonderful
God that people talk about,
00:22:51.43\00:22:55.11
why would He let a
little girl get molested?
00:22:55.14\00:22:57.49
Why would He sit there
and watch this little girl get
00:22:57.52\00:23:01.34
thrown down the
stairs by her feet?
00:23:01.37\00:23:03.56
Why would He do that?
That was the adversary talking
00:23:03.59\00:23:08.13
to me, making me
question God all the time.
00:23:08.16\00:23:11.35
They tried to tell me in rehab,
and it worked pretty good,
00:23:11.38\00:23:14.92
they told me that God gave
us this wonderful gift called
00:23:14.96\00:23:18.48
free will, and some of
those things were because of my
00:23:18.51\00:23:22.00
own doing, and when I
finally understood that,
00:23:22.04\00:23:24.29
it was ahhh okay.
00:23:24.33\00:23:26.41
But I wasn't willing to
completely surrender my life,
00:23:26.44\00:23:28.46
and my will over to
God. I wasn't there yet.
00:23:28.50\00:23:30.88
Was it a lot to
do with trust issues?
00:23:30.91\00:23:35.53
Oh everything! - I know
that's very stupid but I have to
00:23:35.56\00:23:39.71
ask you this question because
you're asking a child that
00:23:39.74\00:23:43.48
has never had anybody
trustworthy around them to trust
00:23:43.51\00:23:47.21
God, and to me
that was ludicrous.
00:23:47.25\00:23:50.14
When I first heard that I
thought, are you kidding me?
00:23:50.18\00:23:52.41
You want me to trust God?
00:23:52.45\00:23:54.52
I think you're sitting
too close to me actually.
00:23:54.56\00:23:58.47
Do you know what I mean,
it's we don't trust anybody.
00:23:58.50\00:24:02.00
I look at you I think,
that coming from all the places
00:24:02.03\00:24:05.32
you came from, from the
streets, from trying to fend
00:24:05.35\00:24:08.56
for yourself, is when somebody
talked to you about trust.
00:24:08.60\00:24:12.73
You almost want to
laugh in their face.
00:24:12.76\00:24:14.81
What are you talking about?
00:24:14.84\00:24:16.64
Especially something I
can't see, or touch, or call on
00:24:16.67\00:24:20.13
the phone, say hey do
you still have that for me?
00:24:20.17\00:24:22.04
Thanks dude, goodbye!
00:24:22.07\00:24:24.46
It just wasn't there.
00:24:24.49\00:24:26.81
- so do you guys
know each other yet?
00:24:26.84\00:24:29.25
I mean going through all
this stuff, do you know each
00:24:29.28\00:24:31.06
other? - no not yet!
00:24:31.09\00:24:32.76
So you got kicked out?
00:24:32.79\00:24:34.39
They kicked me out because
I wasn't willing to accept
00:24:34.42\00:24:37.74
God in turn my
will over to Him yet.
00:24:37.78\00:24:40.29
I was still acting,
like an alcoholic and addict
00:24:40.33\00:24:44.51
just without any
mood altering substance.
00:24:44.55\00:24:47.18
Like so that means
I'm angry! -oh, yes!
00:24:49.14\00:24:50.97
When I got sober, I was
angry for a good 2, 3 years.
00:24:51.00\00:24:56.31
Just angry at the
world, and everybody.
00:24:56.35\00:25:00.22
- So hypersensitive, I'm
not masking any of that stuff
00:25:01.97\00:25:04.94
so I have to feel it now.
00:25:04.97\00:25:06.78
Yeah it was just anger,
and what I like to call a dry
00:25:06.82\00:25:11.72
alcoholic, is what I was.
00:25:11.76\00:25:13.48
I was still attending
meetings and I wasn't drinking
00:25:13.51\00:25:15.72
but I was White knuckling it.
00:25:15.75\00:25:17.38
I still had not
turn myself over.
00:25:17.42\00:25:20.71
What made you stop, you go into
treatment and all that, but what
00:25:20.75\00:25:24.23
made you, then stop and
go to meetings and nobody was
00:25:24.27\00:25:27.61
forcing that, were you
on probation or something?
00:25:27.64\00:25:29.53
No, I stayed in the law.
00:25:29.57\00:25:32.12
So what made you stop,
what made you decide that I'm
00:25:32.15\00:25:34.85
actually going to
do that part of it?
00:25:34.89\00:25:36.37
I was done, when I first
went to rehab I went to rehab
00:25:37.75\00:25:42.70
with the idea I
was going for a break.
00:25:42.74\00:25:47.50
I was going to get sobered
up and by the time I get out
00:25:47.53\00:25:51.61
of rehab and do that big
huge shot it was going to be
00:25:51.64\00:25:55.68
really good and really intense.
00:25:55.71\00:25:57.24
But when I walked into that
first AA meeting, I was home.
00:25:57.28\00:26:00.50
I didn't have to fight.
00:26:00.54\00:26:03.43
- you didn't have
to prove yourself.
00:26:03.46\00:26:05.54
- I didn't have to
prove myself to anybody.
00:26:05.57\00:26:07.68
- people understood. -
yes and I felt at home.
00:26:07.71\00:26:10.83
I knew for one hour, no
one was going to hurt me,
00:26:10.86\00:26:13.90
nobody was going to make me
feel dirty, I was just home.
00:26:13.94\00:26:18.22
To me, one of the things I
think is amazing about those
00:26:19.64\00:26:23.03
groups, is they just say,
come on and sit down, rest.
00:26:23.06\00:26:26.99
You can rest here, and if
you don't know that is the
00:26:27.02\00:26:31.72
value of AA, it is sad
because their value is that you
00:26:31.76\00:26:36.43
can finally
walk in and sit down.
00:26:36.46\00:26:38.18
We are going to go ahead
and break, then I want to come
00:26:38.21\00:26:41.28
back and introduce Jason
and talk about how you guys
00:26:41.32\00:26:44.35
met, and what God
is doing in your life,
00:26:44.39\00:26:46.87
because it is
absolutely amazing.
00:26:46.91\00:26:48.77
The first time I heard the
entire story, I wanted to cry
00:26:48.80\00:26:53.06
with them, not tears
of sadness but of joy
00:26:53.09\00:26:55.90
that God can heal anything,
00:26:55.94\00:26:58.04
absolutely amazing,
we will be right back!
00:26:58.07\00:26:59.97