Welcome to
Celebrating Life in Recovery
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I'm Cheri your host!
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Have you ever felt like you
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went from up here to down
in the pits and you don't know
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how you got there?
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We have a guest that is
going to talk about her story
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and how she got
back, it's exciting.
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Come join us!
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Welcome back!
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What is incredible to me is
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when do you actually find,
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when do you actually
know you are in trouble?
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With what ever your choices
are, wherever your life has
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taking you to, where all of
a sudden you stand up and say
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you know what? What happened!
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And Gerri I want to
say welcome to the program.
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Thank you Cheri is
so good to be here.
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We usually don't start out
with a guest sitting on the
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program, I usually do a
little bit of a teaching first,
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but I think that what you
have to say as far as where you
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came from and what your
passion is I want to make sure
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that you have all
the time you need.
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So we are going to
start from the very beginning.
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First of all where are you from?
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Colorado, southern Colorado.
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It's beautiful
out there! Oh it is.
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You know that I am learning
to socialize so I'm going to
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ask you how is
the weather there?
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Snowy and cold.
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That's funny so anyhow
where did you come from?
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Were you Christian and
just start from the very
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beginning in your family?
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We were raised
in a Catholic home.
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My mother went to Ursuline
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and my dad went to Jesuit.
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We were very Catholic.
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A couple of my aunts are nuns.
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What is really funny is
that you say very Catholic.
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I'm thinking very Catholic,
so you could have been a nun?
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All no, no, no, no, not me!
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We start out going to
church as a family all time
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until my parents got
divorced when I was 13.
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Back then it was
Taboo, Taboo to get a divorce.
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It was shameful.
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It was very shameful, of
course there were a lot more
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shameful things that we
learned to sweep everything
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under the rug, but we
were essentially booted out of
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the church when I was 13.
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We quit going to church.
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I knew about God,
but did not know God.
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Then I got married.
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So let me say when your parents
got divorced did you live
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with your mom, or
lived with your dad?
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Mostly with my mom.
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So going back
and forth sometimes?
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Sometimes mom, sometimes dad.
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Very different lifestyles
between the two of them.
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My dad was a television producer
and so we had the fast lane
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for Summers and that we
have mom the rest of the time.
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So I couldn't wait
to get out the house.
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Like a lot of young
teenagers can hardly wait
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to get out of the house.
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I drank, I experimented
with alcohol and pot
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all through high
school, but everybody else did.
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Was that from home
or just from school?
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So when you got exposed to that?
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School, probably school
mostly but it seemed to be okay
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at home too, we got
away with it all the time.
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But I did get out of the
house at 19 and got married.
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We started making a lot
of money, too much money in
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and outfitting business.
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We had high dollar clientele,
and our high dollar clientele
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eventually
introduced us to cocaine.
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It seemed very
socially acceptable because
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it was with the right people.
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I have to say with that
because the lot of people,
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if you are not
from that lifestyle,
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it's amazing how
socially acceptable it is.
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Even for me marrying into
the arts, my husband is a music
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teacher at the University.
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It is amazing to me how
many people actually, casually
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do pot, definitely drink, and
do it a few lines of cocaine.
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It is like you are hip, you
are successful, you are hip,
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it is okay.
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Well it starts out that way,
like you said, just do a few
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lines of cocaine here and there.
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It's like the celebration at
the end of a long hunting week.
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A little alcohol, a little
cocaine, and it was just part
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of the event, will it eventually
became the event itself.
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Pretty soon my husband and
I were doing about $300 a day.
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We started freebasing cocaine.
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Explain to people
what freebasing is?
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Because some people
will not know what that is.
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It is cooking cocaine into
crack so that it can be smoked.
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So what is really interesting,
the first time I heard
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you say that, I am
thinking that you guys have
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your own business,
you are successful,
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and you have the
house and cars and all that
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and you are smoking crack.
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Making about $1 million
a year and smoking crack.
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The thing is this
different from the street,
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I read your first book
and felt very connected
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to you at that time.
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I never made a million bucks.
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It's a different
thing, I had access to it.
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I had the money to get it.
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It wasn't a thing of not
being able to get it, or having
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to do something
illegal to get it.
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I was doing respectable
things to buy my drugs and it
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seemed more acceptable
to me that way I think.
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I justified it, that's one
of the ways I used to justify
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continuing with it.
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When I was on the
street, we could see you coming.
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We could see the
person that was nose diving,
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all of a sudden they
are making poorer choices.
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They are coming and getting
connections from people they
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would never have talked to
before and all those things.
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We can see people all of a
sudden start losing everything.
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The business,
houses and all that stuff.
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What did that
slide look like for you?
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Because you still have
the house, you still have the
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business and all
that stuff, what did that
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slide start to look like?
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Cheri, I don't
even think I knew,
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I was in it for
a long, long time.
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It got where the business
wasn't important and I wasn't
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doing the things I
needed to do, to keep it going,
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and to keep the money coming in.
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But we still had enough
money to get by, to get high!
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To get high exactly.
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Because even food at
one point is not important?
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Food no it wasn't.
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People that loved you, there
has got to be people around
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you that said man,
wait, something is happening.
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You guys are partying too much,
it's a little bit too much.
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Did people around you
put any warning signs up?
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Holler or grab you?
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Very little for a long
time because we lived out in the
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sticks, 11 years
of no electricity.
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We lived back in the sticks
with a hunting camp and just
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worked part time of the
year, during hunting season.
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So we did it by
stealth for a long time without
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anybody knowing it.
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But the family members
knew something wasn't right.
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We didn't have a phone so
nobody could call us and stay
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in touch, I'd go to town
once a month and get the mail.
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I would mail letters out,
but people bought books and I
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heard you talk about that.
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And you get all the
right books on recovery.
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You get a book on getting
straight, getting clean on the
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AA book and you always
think if I read all the books,
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I am going to fit in that
perfect little box of being
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normal, I want to be normal,
that is all I wanted to do is
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to just be normal.
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Even while you're using you
felt like you really do want to
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be normal, I have a sense
that my life is spiraling out of
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control and I need to
grab hold of some control.
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I would go in and out of that.
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When I was high it did not
matter, but there would be times
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when I need to go get
more drugs to use again.
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I did think about that and
finally I sat down one day in
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the corner and cried and
thought what has happened to me.
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I just had my head my
hands and just wept and wept.
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I did not know how
people could live without drugs.
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I thought how does
anybody get through a day
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without doing drugs?
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I know that you
probably understand that,
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but probably a
lot of people don't.
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Because you are saying I
would much rather do a drug
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big breath right now.
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Absolutely, absolutely!
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I came to that point, I
did not know how I got there.
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I did not see that
slide like you said,
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I was from one point
where I was normal and suddenly
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found myself in the gutter.
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In the absolute gutter and not
knowing how to get out of it.
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Not knowing any
way to get out of it.
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What is really interesting
to me is when you said, and I
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remember feeling this way,
is when you wake up and you know
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your very first
thought is of a drug.
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Your very first thought is how
am I going to, and usually if
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you are asleep it is because
you crashed, but your very first
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thought is how am I going
to get this stuff all lined
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out for the day.
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And I can't imagine
trying to do this straight.
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I couldn't imagine
going through a day straight.
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Sometimes I wouldn't
even know how long I slept.
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It could have been a few
days after being high for
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a week or more
without any sleep or any food.
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How crazy did you get
after a week of being up?
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I finally came to the point
to crash and I think it was
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weakness, I lost a lot of
weight, I was under 100 pounds.
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I probably lost 15 to
20 pounds through that.
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It was just a long summer,
when we didn't have hunting
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camp going on, of just
using every day, every day,
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every day that I was awake.
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It is so the saddest thing
when someone is grabbing hold
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of something that is killing
them, and not even seeing it.
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Not even seen it, just
grabbing a hold of this.
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But that was all I knew, at
the time, it became all I knew.
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It was the only way to
survive in my own skin.
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Now you are at of place
where you are saying God.
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I can't do this anymore,
I can't do this anymore!
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I called my mother and
said mom I'm a cocaine addict
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and I need help, can I
come live with you for awhile?
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She was stunned, but she
said yes like mothers do.
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Mothers are the ones
that will always pray for
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you no matter what.
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She let me move in with
her and I got clean went
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through a divorce and
went through a 90 day rehab
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program in Houston.
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How is that? It was awesome!
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Was it awesome
because it is real scary,
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you are saying okay I am
going to grab hold of whatever I
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need to grab hold of in
order to get off of these drugs.
00:10:04.15\00:10:06.68
I'm going to grab hold
of like when you said, mom,
00:10:06.71\00:10:09.31
mom I need to come home.
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I had to get
out the environment.
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After the divorce and going
through rehab I ended up moving
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back in with my ex-husband
and working in the business
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because it was financially
good for both of us and
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I ended up using some again.
00:10:22.70\00:10:24.25
So I'm falling back,
but I still don't know God,
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I knew there was a God, but
I did not know Him personally.
00:10:26.38\00:10:29.50
He had the 90 days behind
you and you are doing less of
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the drugs, so you
are not using as much?
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I was not using it
all but it happened
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a few times after that.
00:10:36.19\00:10:37.39
Then we went separate ways
and were divorced and after,
00:10:37.42\00:10:41.36
hunting season we
went our separate ways.
00:10:41.39\00:10:43.27
I found the Seventh-day
Adventist church, got baptized.
00:10:43.30\00:10:48.21
But you just can't
tell me it like that.
00:10:48.24\00:10:50.98
How, but how did you find,
because what you are saying
00:10:51.01\00:10:56.36
is that somehow God
came into your life,
00:10:56.39\00:10:58.38
probably during the
90 day program more.
00:10:58.41\00:11:00.84
More in the 90 day program.
00:11:00.87\00:11:02.31
Then you decided
to join a church?
00:11:02.34\00:11:04.64
Um hum! What did that looked
like because those are huge
00:11:04.67\00:11:08.38
steps, it just doesn't
happen one day you walk
00:11:08.41\00:11:11.38
into a church building.
00:11:11.41\00:11:12.54
My mother had
gotten into the church,
00:11:12.57\00:11:14.05
my mother had come into
the church and she started
00:11:14.08\00:11:16.07
having someone
give me Bible studies.
00:11:16.10\00:11:18.53
I was still bouncing
back and forth between alcohol
00:11:18.56\00:11:21.64
and drugs and the Bible,
alcohol, drugs, and the Bible.
00:11:21.67\00:11:24.68
This mad circled it
doesn't seem to end,
00:11:24.71\00:11:27.11
because doing
drugs and alcohol...
00:11:27.14\00:11:29.41
because God loves
you in that mad bounce.
00:11:29.44\00:11:33.48
I did feel I was being drawn,
00:11:33.51\00:11:35.31
there was
something else I wanted.
00:11:35.34\00:11:38.51
I was not content with
what I had, even though I had
00:11:38.54\00:11:41.45
everything I could buy with
money, that wasn't cutting it.
00:11:41.48\00:11:44.30
That wasn't what I
wanted it wasn't satisfying that
00:11:44.33\00:11:46.77
longing in my
heart, that emptiness.
00:11:46.80\00:11:49.73
I still had that
even after I got clean,
00:11:49.76\00:11:53.40
I still had that same emptiness,
00:11:53.43\00:11:55.86
it hadn't fixed me at all.
00:11:55.89\00:11:57.39
I was either a sober
drunk or would say a clean,
00:11:57.42\00:12:02.69
I was living clean but
I wasn't on the inside.
00:12:02.72\00:12:05.79
My head was not there.
00:12:05.82\00:12:07.91
Just my body was
cleaned up for a long time.
00:12:07.94\00:12:11.21
I began to be sober long enough
to start reading God's Word.
00:12:11.24\00:12:17.72
He spoke to me
through the pages of His word.
00:12:17.75\00:12:21.67
What were some of the things
that you first were blessed by?
00:12:21.70\00:12:24.62
Do you remember?
00:12:24.65\00:12:26.14
God's Word and
people that prayed.
00:12:26.17\00:12:28.07
God's Word and
people that prayed!
00:12:28.10\00:12:30.54
My mother never stopped praying,
00:12:30.57\00:12:32.06
even when I was at my worst
and dancing on tables for fun,
00:12:32.09\00:12:36.11
not because I needed
the money, in a strip club
00:12:36.14\00:12:39.45
because it was part
of our entertainment.
00:12:39.48\00:12:42.24
Doing drugs, and even when
I was at my worst I had told
00:12:42.27\00:12:45.74
my mother what we
were, what I was doing.
00:12:45.77\00:12:47.93
She still prayed for
me, she still loved me.
00:12:47.96\00:12:50.12
People told my mother
if that was my daughter
00:12:50.15\00:12:52.18
I would disown her.
00:12:52.21\00:12:53.37
My mom is like, if that
was your daughter I would too,
00:12:53.40\00:12:55.22
but that is my daughter,
that is my daughter and God said
00:12:55.25\00:12:59.19
that is my child, that
is my child she is my child.
00:12:59.22\00:13:02.15
God had people pray for me
when I couldn't pray for myself.
00:13:02.18\00:13:05.54
That is an incredible
thing for your mom to say.
00:13:05.57\00:13:07.68
But it is my daughter!
00:13:07.71\00:13:09.74
It's my daughter.
00:13:09.77\00:13:10.97
That love was there,
I guess a mothers love.
00:13:11.00\00:13:13.11
So she was saying, you
know what I will pray until
00:13:13.14\00:13:15.67
I can't speak, till can't
breathe, till I can't think.
00:13:15.70\00:13:18.84
I'm going to pray
until she gets it.
00:13:18.87\00:13:22.79
And she did, she did.
00:13:22.82\00:13:24.10
I don't think mothers could
ever quit praying for their
00:13:24.13\00:13:26.05
children, whoever you
pray for don't ever give up,
00:13:26.08\00:13:28.05
don't ever give up.
00:13:28.08\00:13:29.19
I know that people
must have prayed for you,
00:13:29.22\00:13:30.95
and people prayed for
me and they didn't give up.
00:13:30.98\00:13:33.60
I have just got to say
that my mom gave me to an aunt
00:13:33.63\00:13:36.78
when I was like 10 or
11 years old in Canada.
00:13:36.81\00:13:39.24
I came to Christ, and I
was horrible to this aunt.
00:13:39.27\00:13:43.33
I thought I hate you,
you can't keep me here,
00:13:43.36\00:13:45.82
and I want to
go back to my moms.
00:13:45.85\00:13:47.97
She would say I love you
and I would say I hate you.
00:13:48.00\00:13:50.34
And when she was dying I
wanted to go back and say I am
00:13:50.37\00:13:54.67
sorry, because I was horrible
and I had become a Christian.
00:13:54.70\00:13:57.46
She said from the time
that you left I prayed for you
00:13:57.49\00:14:01.24
everyday of your life.
00:14:01.27\00:14:03.71
I knew at that moment I
knew that her prayers got me
00:14:03.74\00:14:07.85
through all
that and standing up.
00:14:07.88\00:14:09.58
I started to panic because I
thought how she said I prayed
00:14:09.61\00:14:13.07
for you and I prayed for
your whole family, your mom.
00:14:13.10\00:14:15.13
I saw that she was dying
all of a sudden my eyes are
00:14:15.16\00:14:18.46
totally open and I am sitting
there on her death bed and
00:14:18.49\00:14:21.70
we are talking
and I said Auntie May,
00:14:21.73\00:14:23.92
who's going to pray for us now?
00:14:23.95\00:14:25.46
She says it looks like you are.
00:14:25.49\00:14:27.11
I felt like this baton
just got pasted and it scared me
00:14:27.14\00:14:30.48
but I knew she was right.
00:14:30.51\00:14:31.81
She was saying please don't
forget, everyone in your family.
00:14:31.84\00:14:34.46
I think sometimes we do, like
you said is that we think it
00:14:34.49\00:14:38.81
is beyond hope, or your brain
is fried and there is no way.
00:14:38.84\00:14:43.43
And you are saying
that your mom never stopped?
00:14:43.46\00:14:45.67
Never stopped
praying. That's incredible!
00:14:45.70\00:14:47.42
But what is incredible to
me is that you start to move,
00:14:47.45\00:14:50.79
you got into rehab, and
then you relapsed and she knows
00:14:50.82\00:14:53.60
that you have relapsed.
00:14:53.63\00:14:54.96
And she continued to pray,
and they got me all the books.
00:14:54.99\00:14:58.29
You know I have to
talk about all the books,
00:14:58.32\00:15:00.57
you get all the books.
They come from everywhere.
00:15:00.60\00:15:02.02
All those books?
00:15:02.05\00:15:03.02
Everybody sends you
books, books on how to recover,
00:15:03.03\00:15:05.11
and how to get
clean, how to get straight,
00:15:05.14\00:15:07.21
and the big book, the AA book.
00:15:07.24\00:15:09.43
You had to have all the books.
00:15:09.46\00:15:10.61
I really thought by
reading the books I could get my
00:15:10.64\00:15:14.42
life straight on my
own, by my own doing it.
00:15:14.45\00:15:17.66
Do it myself I could just leave
me alone, I'm fine I'm going
00:15:17.69\00:15:21.26
to get through this and I'm
going to get straight and clean,
00:15:21.29\00:15:23.13
I've got the books
I've got everything I need.
00:15:23.16\00:15:24.69
But do you know what, it didn't.
00:15:24.72\00:15:27.68
It didn't, it did not
get me where I wanted to be.
00:15:27.71\00:15:29.98
I was clean but I was
craving it all the time.
00:15:30.01\00:15:35.38
That is all that I
can think about was drugs.
00:15:35.41\00:15:36.90
You wake up craving it?
00:15:36.93\00:15:38.45
Absolutely! You dream about it?
00:15:38.48\00:15:39.83
You dream about it, oh those
dreams, and you wake up not
00:15:39.86\00:15:42.73
even knowing if it was a
dream or did it really happen?
00:15:42.76\00:15:45.58
That would have a
more nights than it didn't,
00:15:48.44\00:15:50.93
I would have drug dreams.
00:15:50.96\00:15:52.25
In fact here this
is so many years later,
00:15:52.28\00:15:56.31
it has been in just the last
few months that I quit having
00:15:56.34\00:15:59.34
drug dreams, and quick craving
it in the last few months.
00:15:59.37\00:16:02.02
Even though I have been in and
out of it over several years.
00:16:02.05\00:16:04.21
When you woke up, the
first few times she woke up and
00:16:04.24\00:16:06.81
you didn't think of drugs
right away, wasn't that amazing?
00:16:06.84\00:16:10.13
It was, all my it was.
00:16:10.16\00:16:12.22
Like I said this is a new
Revelation, it has just been
00:16:12.25\00:16:14.33
in the last few months
that I realized that I haven't
00:16:14.36\00:16:16.75
thought about it when the
bill was past due or some little
00:16:16.78\00:16:20.36
crisis around the house
like the water heater flooded.
00:16:20.39\00:16:23.01
I don't think about it anymore.
00:16:23.04\00:16:25.60
You are becoming free?
00:16:25.63\00:16:27.35
Absolutely and it is
amazing to me to think that way.
00:16:27.38\00:16:31.13
So you end up getting into
a Bible study, into a church,
00:16:31.16\00:16:35.81
but you had a relapse
during some of that time.
00:16:35.84\00:16:37.93
What happened with that?
00:16:37.96\00:16:39.07
I did, I ended up remarrying
00:16:39.10\00:16:43.50
and I ended up staying in
00:16:43.53\00:16:44.75
the Adventist
church and marrying again.
00:16:44.78\00:16:47.63
Did you marry a druggie again?
00:16:47.66\00:16:50.28
No not this time.
00:16:50.31\00:16:51.39
You know a lot of us do.
00:16:51.42\00:16:53.44
And then I think how
did I get here again.
00:16:53.47\00:16:55.32
Well you married a druggie.
00:16:55.35\00:16:56.87
I was always told that I
would because it was my pattern,
00:16:56.90\00:16:59.32
because it is what I knew.
00:16:59.35\00:17:00.62
The man I married never tried
pot, never tried cigarettes,
00:17:00.65\00:17:04.79
never tried beer or anything
like we all did in high school.
00:17:04.82\00:17:09.23
The biggest thing he tried was
meat the height of his rebellion
00:17:09.26\00:17:12.97
he tried a piece of meat as
a teenager and didn't like it.
00:17:13.00\00:17:15.76
So we are very, very, different
and he can't understand where I
00:17:15.79\00:17:19.19
come from and what he saw me go
through he doesn't understand it
00:17:19.22\00:17:23.23
he is supportive and prays with
me and I think that is one of
00:17:23.26\00:17:25.65
the most huge things, is that
he prays with me and for me.
00:17:25.68\00:17:28.65
I had a couple miscarriages
in my first marriage,
00:17:28.68\00:17:33.90
and now I have had three more.
00:17:33.93\00:17:36.82
With the last one I had good
insurance and found out that
00:17:36.85\00:17:39.05
I could not carry
a baby to full term.
00:17:39.08\00:17:40.34
Never would, never will.
00:17:40.37\00:17:41.79
I got very mad at God,
00:17:41.82\00:17:43.70
my anger at God just
got bigger and bigger.
00:17:43.73\00:17:47.70
It was like all
these little drug addicts,
00:17:47.73\00:17:49.66
like I used to be, get
have babies and I don't get to
00:17:49.69\00:17:53.63
have a baby,
what's up with that God.
00:17:53.66\00:17:55.49
This isn't fair, these
people that don't even want them
00:17:55.52\00:17:57.64
can have them in just pop
them out like they are cookies.
00:17:57.67\00:18:00.73
Just like cookie
factory and I can even carry
00:18:00.76\00:18:03.30
a baby to full term.
00:18:03.33\00:18:04.49
I could carry a baby
just 16 weeks and that was it.
00:18:04.52\00:18:06.80
I was mad at God,
very angry with God.
00:18:06.83\00:18:09.28
You know I just have to
say for people who have to be
00:18:09.31\00:18:12.98
angry with God is that it
is okay, because some of the
00:18:13.01\00:18:15.44
things are intense like
not having children is intense.
00:18:15.47\00:18:18.30
Some of the things that we
have to deal with in life are
00:18:18.33\00:18:22.13
tense, having cancer,
dealing with mental illness,
00:18:22.16\00:18:26.07
dealing with
physical illness, are intense.
00:18:26.10\00:18:28.28
So there are
sometimes being angry with
00:18:28.31\00:18:31.49
God is such a needed thing.
00:18:31.52\00:18:34.01
So you are saying I was
angry and did express it?
00:18:34.04\00:18:36.76
Yes and Cheri, you are
right we can be angry with God
00:18:36.79\00:18:39.51
about things, but at that
time I didn't know I could be
00:18:39.54\00:18:41.87
angry with God and still
have a relationship with Him.
00:18:41.90\00:18:44.55
He thought He
would just walk away.
00:18:44.58\00:18:45.85
I had pushed Him away.
00:18:45.88\00:18:47.23
Well I thought He had turned
His back on me for one thing.
00:18:47.26\00:18:50.15
I definitely was
turning my back on Him,
00:18:50.18\00:18:52.20
closing the door on Him too.
00:18:52.23\00:18:53.35
At that point in my relationship
with God I didn't know
00:18:53.38\00:18:56.54
I could have an on going
relationship with someone
00:18:56.57\00:18:59.00
you are angry with.
00:18:59.03\00:19:00.32
I could do that
in my personal life,
00:19:00.35\00:19:02.29
I sure couldn't do it with God.
00:19:02.32\00:19:03.48
The God who is
bigger than everything.
00:19:03.51\00:19:05.78
I've come to find out
that you can be mad at God
00:19:05.81\00:19:08.64
and you can tell Him about
it, because He knows anyway.
00:19:08.67\00:19:10.71
You can tell Him about it
and go forward from there and
00:19:10.74\00:19:13.21
work it out together, and
He gets us through things.
00:19:13.24\00:19:15.43
He gives us the
strength to work through things
00:19:15.46\00:19:17.27
and by His power He can
get us through anything.
00:19:17.30\00:19:20.02
There are so many
Scriptures that back that up,
00:19:20.05\00:19:22.09
to give us strength
and hope and courage
00:19:22.12\00:19:24.06
in the trials we go through.
00:19:24.09\00:19:25.42
But at that
point I didn't feel it?
00:19:25.45\00:19:27.30
No, no! So you end up relapsing?
00:19:27.33\00:19:29.31
I ended up relapsing and
then my husband and I started
00:19:29.34\00:19:32.47
having difficulties in
our marriage because of me
00:19:32.50\00:19:37.65
starting to drink
again and use again.
00:19:37.68\00:19:39.73
We started counseling
with our pastor and his wife.
00:19:39.76\00:19:45.33
As we started counseling,
it seemed like a good idea at
00:19:45.36\00:19:50.32
the time, and within
about six months I was having
00:19:50.35\00:19:53.47
an affair with my pastor.
00:19:53.50\00:19:55.76
And that lasted
about six months.
00:19:55.79\00:20:01.85
What is really tough and I don't
know if you dealt with this,
00:20:01.88\00:20:04.71
but there is a lot of pastoral
abuse that happens, not a lot,
00:20:04.74\00:20:09.72
but there are some that happened
like that where you go into
00:20:09.75\00:20:12.25
counseling and all of a
sudden those scenarios play out.
00:20:12.28\00:20:15.34
In fact a friend of mine
has a Ministry for that very
00:20:15.37\00:20:17.19
scenario, for that very thing.
00:20:17.22\00:20:18.98
Because the abuse is so intense
and the guilt and shame is
00:20:19.01\00:20:21.91
so intense that now the very
thing that is going to bring
00:20:21.94\00:20:24.51
you healing has
brought you shame.
00:20:24.54\00:20:26.42
That is awesome what you
said, when you find out you are
00:20:26.45\00:20:31.52
not the only one that has
ever gotten themselves into this
00:20:31.55\00:20:34.51
because I felt
so alone with that.
00:20:34.54\00:20:36.23
I can't let
anybody ever know that.
00:20:36.26\00:20:38.27
Well even with the, that
is why I wanted to jump in,
00:20:38.30\00:20:41.04
is there are some people
that go to counseling with a
00:20:41.07\00:20:42.98
secular psychologist and
they end up, the psychologist
00:20:43.01\00:20:46.69
abuses that relationship
and it becomes sexual.
00:20:46.72\00:20:50.27
The person that went
to counseling doesn't even
00:20:50.30\00:20:52.65
know how this happened.
00:20:52.68\00:20:54.16
They are saying that you
were in a relationship where
00:20:54.19\00:20:57.42
you could have, or supposed
to have been protected and
00:20:57.45\00:21:00.91
somewhat just abused that.
00:21:00.94\00:21:02.42
It is a real tough one for
folks to understand as abuse
00:21:02.45\00:21:07.88
because they think you said yes.
00:21:07.91\00:21:10.90
I'm responsible, I'm guilty,
the guilt and responsibility
00:21:10.94\00:21:14.02
for it I carried all of
it and I have carried it.
00:21:14.05\00:21:17.37
You tried to kill
yourself? That lead to that!
00:21:17.41\00:21:20.66
I got on antidepressants
and still not functioning well,
00:21:20.69\00:21:25.11
so I started supplementing my
antidepressants with drugs and
00:21:25.14\00:21:29.52
alcohol, you know just
supplement them just a little
00:21:29.56\00:21:31.64
bit, to make them
work a little bit better.
00:21:31.68\00:21:33.08
More drugs and more alcohol
and more antidepressants.
00:21:33.11\00:21:36.81
Pretty soon I was on
five antidepressants a day and
00:21:36.84\00:21:40.03
supplementing with drugs
and alcohol and it came to the
00:21:40.06\00:21:43.22
point that I could
live in my own skin anymore.
00:21:43.25\00:21:45.83
I never understood how somebody
could get to that point,
00:21:45.87\00:21:49.89
because I was normal, I
thought for a lot of my life.
00:21:49.93\00:21:53.92
There were a lot of times when
00:21:53.95\00:21:55.15
I just begged God to be normal.
00:21:55.19\00:21:56.39
Oh if I could be just normal.
00:21:56.43\00:21:57.56
There were times when I thought
I did have a normal life.
00:21:57.60\00:22:00.15
I came to a point where I
could not even imagine how
00:22:00.19\00:22:03.96
people could face another day.
00:22:03.99\00:22:06.54
I knew that I could
not face another day.
00:22:06.57\00:22:07.96
I woke up in a wacky
ward in a lock down and
00:22:08.00\00:22:12.22
recovery started from there.
00:22:12.25\00:22:15.25
It actually
started in that place.
00:22:15.29\00:22:17.17
Again I had support from family
00:22:17.21\00:22:18.87
and prayers, prayers, prayers.
00:22:18.90\00:22:20.49
I think at that time Cheri
what happened was so many people
00:22:20.53\00:22:24.37
didn't know I was in
trouble because I kept a job.
00:22:24.41\00:22:27.39
I was able to keep a decent
job and pay bills and things
00:22:27.42\00:22:32.37
like that and my husband
kept it hidden pretty well too,
00:22:32.40\00:22:35.97
even though he knew there
was a serious problem there.
00:22:36.00\00:22:39.53
But now I was out in the open,
00:22:39.57\00:22:41.67
now with me being
in the mental hospital.
00:22:41.70\00:22:45.91
It came out in the open
and that brought more prayers.
00:22:45.94\00:22:49.99
More people
start to pray for me.
00:22:50.02\00:22:52.25
More family started to pray
for me and I got the support
00:22:52.29\00:22:55.76
that I, think support is
so important for recovery.
00:22:55.80\00:22:59.24
We are going to
take a break because
00:22:59.28\00:23:01.45
I want to come back to
that, because I know that this
00:23:01.48\00:23:04.38
was completely a
turning point for you.
00:23:04.41\00:23:07.15
But it's not a turning
point you have so much,
00:23:07.18\00:23:11.05
you piled so much on
you that it does feel like
00:23:11.09\00:23:14.16
how could you get
out from underneath that.
00:23:14.20\00:23:17.20
So we are going to go
ahead and take a break and
00:23:17.23\00:23:18.78
come back with that.
00:23:18.82\00:23:19.87
It is amazing to me that
sometimes one decision leads
00:23:19.91\00:23:23.24
to another decision leads
to another decision and pretty
00:23:23.28\00:23:27.03
soon I am overwhelmed with
what I have done to my life.
00:23:27.07\00:23:30.98
With drugs, alcohol, sexual
stuff, they coming into the
00:23:31.01\00:23:34.53
church for counseling and
having somebody else's sexual
00:23:34.56\00:23:38.04
damage to get piled
on top of me and it is
00:23:38.08\00:23:42.11
like a horrible place to be.
00:23:42.14\00:23:44.65
What amazes me about
that, is for a lot of us
00:23:44.68\00:23:48.17
that is where we start recovery.
00:23:48.20\00:23:50.61
It is not an easy journey back.
00:23:50.65\00:23:52.99
What makes it easier it is
God saying you must completely
00:23:53.02\00:23:57.83
trust Me right now, please
don't even think you are going
00:23:57.86\00:24:02.64
to know the next step.
00:24:02.67\00:24:03.98
I will take over
from this point on.
00:24:04.02\00:24:05.83
We are going to come
back and talk about that.
00:24:05.87\00:24:07.51
What did that
look like Gerri's life?
00:24:07.55\00:24:09.21
What is it going to
look like in your life?
00:24:09.25\00:24:11.10
We'll be right
back stay with us!
00:24:11.14\00:24:12.88