Welcome to
Celebrating Life in Recovery!
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My name is Cheri and today
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we are going to look at what
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happens when I am in total
denial, I don't know anything,
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how does God get through to me?
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Come and join us
because it is pretty exciting
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and actually good stuff.
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If you are in
denial it's going to help.
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Welcome back!
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You know I really love, this
whole season we do a teaching.
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Every season I want to have
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at the end of the season
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for you to remember
something about recovery.
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And the first ones,
I'm going to recap again,
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I've already done that
this season but the first ones
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were just foundational
Christianity, about repentance,
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prayer, and who God
is, and who we are and
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then the Holy Spirit.
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We talked about
getting into the word of God,
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because in our recovery
if I lean on my own stuff,
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I'm going to end up
where have always ended up.
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That is not ever good, but
this season I'm trying to do,
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I think the most important
thing about recovery is totally
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turning it over to God, totally.
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Not even thinking I know
where to go and I will explain
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again why I think
that is important.
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I spent the first 21
years in my recovery thinking
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I knew where to go.
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And I was serious,
I'm seriously going to
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look at heroin addiction.
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I am seriously going to
look at that I am a drug addict.
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And I'm going to stop doing
drugs, I'm going to stop all
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drugs, I'm going to stop
sleeping with my neighbor.
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I'm going to stop what ever
is that God tells me to stop,
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I will stop all that.
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I was serious, I got
every book on the planet,
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I had my shelves full
and if you wanted to know how
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not to do drugs,
how to stop doing drugs,
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I could pull from the shelf
a book and handed it to you.
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I had everything.
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I have books on depression,
I have books on anger.
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What was really funny
about the anger books,
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somebody tried to
give me a book on anger and
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I'm thinking I'm not angry.
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I was so in denial
about my own anger that
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I didn't even see it.
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In fact one time I went to
a psychologist and he said,
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have you ever been
angry about any of this?
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And I said no, and he
looked at me like oh man,
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oh when she gets
in touch with this,
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and he helped me to
get in touch with that so
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I was angry
totally for about a year.
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So I've got books on that.
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I have books on everything
and finally after 10, 20 years,
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first 10 years went
by then 20 years went by.
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In my 21st year of recovery,
I thought God I'm tired,
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should this be so hard?
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He said, no, actually no.
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That is when I learned
the whole thing about turning
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it over to Him, the Holy
Spirit and all that stuff.
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But He did something that
I thought was so not fair.
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He said now I'm going
to tell you what to do.
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What your first step is.
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Now I'm thinking
wait a minute, first step,
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I have been doing this
21 years haven't I already
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done the first step?
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He said you've done
all your stuff, and I have.
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I did everything I thought
I should do to be in recovery.
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Do you know of
God tells me to do?
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Go wash the dishes,
and I am thinking stop,
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what do you
mean wash the dishes?
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Make my bed, get up and
go outside and take a breath.
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Have water instead of
soda, do you know what I mean
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God just got real simple.
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He didn't say,
this is not complicated,
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I'm going to teach
you how to live and
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how to be healthy.
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I mean He started teaching me.
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He said I want you to
learn to connect with people.
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I have attachment
disorders and bonding disorders.
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I don't know if
anybody understands that.
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If you do understand that
is I don't know how to do that.
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I process myself in the room,
I don't know how to sit with
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somebody and just say
hi how is the weather.
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In fact I can't figure out
why you guys kept talking about
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the weather, do you know I mean?
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I did know how
to do any of that.
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So He says I want
you to take a class.
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I'm like what kind of a class?
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Any kind of class, so I got
in my phonebook, I like art.
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So I got into an
art store and walked in,
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what kind of class do you have?
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They had a
crochet class going on.
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I'm thinking are you kidding me?
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I'm a hard-core
druggie in recovery,
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I'm now doing
worldwide evangelism,
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and God is telling me
to start a crochet class
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with a group of women
that I don't even know?
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Not Christians, just
crochet and I sat there and
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just felt like, I thought,
God this is kind of stupid.
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He was like, this stupid
stuff will get you right into
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recovery, right into recovery
because we need to connect
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with each other and
need to do all this stuff.
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I thought it was about
understanding my past, my abuse,
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my molest, my neglect,
my addictions, my whatever.
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He said you don't even know
how to connect with anybody.
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You don't know how to
let anybody connect with you.
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So in this crochet class
I laughed with other women.
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I hung out with them.
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We talked about just
whatever was going on
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with us that day.
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Some of it was
serious, somebody had just went
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through divorce,
husband left them for somebody
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that was 20 years younger.
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She had to deal
with all that stuff,
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so as we crocheted
we talked about that.
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Some body else just got a
promotion on their job and she
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was stoked about that and
we talked about that stuff.
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I got to talk about
whatever, at first I didn't even
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know what to talk about and
do you know I said? So lame!
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Wow what crazy weather
were having, because I knew that
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was what you guys did
to feel each other out,
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so I am like saying that.
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What was really interesting to
me is when I said to God, what
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about all those
years that I went in
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all these different directions?
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It wasn't wasted time because
God said, Him and I hung out,
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I got to learn some
stuff, but all the stuff that I
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focused on for all those years
didn't help me as much as a
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a simple crochet class.
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It's weird, when we
turn it over to God,
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He says I will
actually direct your steps.
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I will show you
what you need to know.
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I will teach you
what you need to know.
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I needed to
learn how to socialize.
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I thought I already knew,
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I got a book on
how to socialize.
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My husband almost did not
marry me, you can ask Brad,
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Brad just laughed at this.
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Brad said he was
thinking about marrying me,
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my family are drug addicts and
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dying of their addictions.
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My sisters are strippers
and sell cocaine for a living.
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Mike has a porn site,
do you know what I mean?
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His dad is an ambassador
for the United States.
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His mom plays violin in Madison,
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Wisconsin for the orchestra.
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So we were so different and
he did all these fundraisers,
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he teaches music at
the University and so
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he said Cheri you
can't even socialize.
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When I come into a
room full of people,
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I had such panic attacks,
I had to leave the room.
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So of course I got a book
on how to socialize because
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that was safe for me,
not socializing but getting
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the book was safe, and the
book said you walk into a crowd.
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I loved this, you walk
into a circle of people talking
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and you stop.
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You listen to what they
are saying, don't say anything
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until you know, you
know, what they are saying.
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If they are talking about
economy you don't want to say,
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you know what my
first suicide attempt
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was when I was eight.
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Because it just
misses the conversation up.
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But it is like walking in
and you figured out and then
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you join in, and there is
an energy in the circle and
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you pay attention to
that and when it is your turn
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to speak, you
speak and stay on topic.
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So I read the whole book.
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I was ready to do it.
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Brad was having a fund raiser,
the orchestra was meeting
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after the concert,
everybody is in this one room.
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I looked adorable, I'm
telling you I was so adorable.
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I walked in, I had my symphony
clothes on, so I had this little
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gown on and I walked up to
the group and I was nervous.
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I did not know where
to put my hands or feet,
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I probably should have
left them underneath me.
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So I walked up and put my foot
like this and just crossed them
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and was going to stand there
like that, I am not sure why
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I wanted to stand there
like that, but when I did that
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I had high heels on and
I tripped myself and fell
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flat on the ground.
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I did know how to do
that it wasn't in the chapters
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I read, so I got up and
just continued my conversation.
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Everybody was
like did she just fall?
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So it is like even
if we read about it,
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it is not the same as
turning it over to God.
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Let go and let God
allow recovery programs say.
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There is a point in
your recovery that the best
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you have ever done in your
life has got you to the point
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you are at now.
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And I do want to
be mean to people
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who don't have
obvious addictions.
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Obvious addictions, you're
slamming heroine, your strung
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out on Internet porn, your
a gambler, you beat your wife,
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your a rage-aholic, but
what about perfectionism,
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and what about
religious addictions and
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those cleaner addictions?
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If you were sitting
there and you are miserable,
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absolutely miserable, I
don't want to wake up tomorrow
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because I know I keep doing
this, then you need recovery.
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And I mean
seriously need recovery.
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So at that point don't get
another book, God told me one
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time, Cheri I want you to
get rid of all your books.
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My palms started sweating.
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I'm thinking are you kidding me?
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What if I need help?
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How about asking Me?
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I'm thinking what if I need
help, what if I need my books?
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He said you need to
get rid of all these books.
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I've said this before,
probably on the first season,
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is that I started
crying, and I am not a crier.
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My husband in 20 years has
seen me cry maybe three or four
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times, so I am
telling you crying is
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not something I do well.
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So I am like God, and He
is like Cheri get rid of them.
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I was mad, I want to be
normal and you know what it is
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so not fair because
she gets to be normal.
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God said, you'll be
normal when I come back.
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I thought unless you
are coming back tomorrow,
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that's not helping me,
because I want to be normal now,
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I want to be normal today.
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It was really interesting
because I fought, I fought,
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I thought my being
normal means that I need to know
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all this stuff about recovery.
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I need to have all
these books about recovery.
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I need to know how to
deal with anger and depression
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and hatred and molest
issues and past memories stuff,
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nightmares and all that
stuff I need to know all that.
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Please hear me, I am
not knocking any of that.
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For me none of that
worked, I knew tons and
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I was still miserable.
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God's said, get
rid of the books,
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throw them out
and come sit with Me.
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I'm thinking I don't
know what that means.
00:11:26.78\00:11:30.19
He said, so you
are powerless here.
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I said yeah, He
said that step one.
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I'm like how cool are You?
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How cool are You, He did
not shame me for 21 years when
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I went in every
single direction.
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He did not tell me Cheri
you're wrong, wrong, wrong,
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wrong, wrong, wrong,
He didn't keep doing that,
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He let me do what I was
determined to do even though
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He knew eventually I
would have come to this place!
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God I do not know what to
do, I have done everything
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in my power to get well
and I am still not well.
00:12:03.81\00:12:07.39
He said, will you trust Me?
00:12:07.43\00:12:09.12
I'm thinking, man, I don't know.
00:12:09.16\00:12:14.84
You know when I said I
don't know what cracks me up?
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He said, that is the issue,
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you have never
learned to trust anybody.
00:12:20.60\00:12:22.77
I thought, are you kidding me?
00:12:22.80\00:12:25.15
Because I'm saying I
don't know thinking that was
00:12:25.18\00:12:28.69
such wisdom and He is
saying that is the issue.
00:12:28.73\00:12:32.20
Since you were a
little girl nobody has,
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I read in Ezekiel one
time there was a text.
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Ezekiel 16:4 where it says
in the days that you were born
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nobody wrapped you, nobody
loved you, nobody cared about
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you, nobody cleaned you
up, nobody even cut your cord.
00:12:45.60\00:12:49.34
When I read that I am trying
to act adult in this class
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and I started sobbing
because that is how I felt.
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Nobody ever did those things.
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I did not learn anything.
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So when you think
about when we learn to trust.
00:12:59.98\00:13:04.08
When you think where we learn
to feel comfortable in love,
00:13:04.11\00:13:07.84
in our own skin, we learn
that from the people around us.
00:13:07.88\00:13:11.57
But the people around us
are damaged at any level.
00:13:11.61\00:13:13.93
Not because they are cruel,
not because they are horrible.
00:13:13.96\00:13:16.60
My mom is not
horrible, she was never loved,
00:13:16.63\00:13:18.93
didn't have it to teach me.
00:13:18.96\00:13:20.50
So the more I get into
recovery, the more I look at her
00:13:20.54\00:13:23.60
and think, you know
what, you just didn't have it.
00:13:23.63\00:13:26.50
He said you never learned the
basic things that is going to
00:13:26.53\00:13:32.19
cause you to
flourish, to grow, to be well,
00:13:32.23\00:13:35.13
and that is to trust.
00:13:35.17\00:13:36.72
I'm going to teach you that.
00:13:36.76\00:13:37.85
I'm thinking okay, I'm
ready for this huge thing,
00:13:37.89\00:13:42.14
and He says
take a crochet class.
00:13:42.17\00:13:46.32
Wash your dishes, get
outside, take a breath,
00:13:46.35\00:13:50.21
drink some water, eat
an apple, make your bed,
00:13:50.24\00:13:54.03
and I am thinking well
what about, is there a book?
00:13:54.06\00:13:58.48
Do you want me to read a book?
00:13:58.52\00:13:59.73
Well He says absolutely,
but we are not going to start
00:13:59.77\00:14:03.43
there, we are going to
start with taking a breath,
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hang out with
somebody, laugh with someone,
00:14:07.13\00:14:09.96
connect with people.
00:14:09.99\00:14:11.22
It is amazing to me as,
people tell me now in the
00:14:11.25\00:14:14.96
last 10 years, Cheri you
absolutely are looking better.
00:14:14.99\00:14:21.19
People know that I
got diagnosed with cancer.
00:14:21.22\00:14:24.97
Even since then,
man you look good.
00:14:25.00\00:14:27.56
I'm thinking you know what,
00:14:27.59\00:14:29.60
I'm finally
letting go and letting God.
00:14:29.63\00:14:32.81
I'm not struggling
for my recovery anymore.
00:14:32.85\00:14:35.99
I am not
fighting for my recovery.
00:14:36.02\00:14:37.38
I do not have to
understand all things.
00:14:37.42\00:14:39.44
When something comes up
that is ugly from my past I take
00:14:39.47\00:14:43.02
it right to God and
say what about this?
00:14:43.05\00:14:44.46
What's up with this
because this keeps coming up?
00:14:44.49\00:14:47.20
He tells me, He tells
me going through His word,
00:14:47.24\00:14:49.62
He tells me with
counsel with people that I love,
00:14:49.65\00:14:51.97
He tells me somehow but I
do not have to dig into that.
00:14:52.00\00:14:54.39
He brings it up when it
needs to be brought up and
00:14:54.43\00:14:57.16
then I can look at it.
00:14:57.19\00:14:58.45
I do not have to focus on
that every minute of my life.
00:14:58.48\00:15:00.62
What I have to focus on
the every minute of my life,
00:15:00.66\00:15:02.76
is to let go and let God.
00:15:02.79\00:15:05.86
Most of the time when
I do that the things that
00:15:05.89\00:15:09.27
He asked me to do are simple.
00:15:09.30\00:15:11.03
Do you know
what He just gave me?
00:15:11.06\00:15:12.11
A bicycle, and do you know
what is really cool about that?
00:15:12.14\00:15:14.98
Is that when you are
this damaged and you focus on
00:15:15.01\00:15:18.32
recovery, recovery is
always about such heavy stuff.
00:15:18.35\00:15:21.63
What else can I do?
What else can I learn?
00:15:21.66\00:15:24.13
What else can I dive
into? What else can I uncover?
00:15:24.17\00:15:27.08
God gives you a bicycle
and says, get outside and ride.
00:15:27.11\00:15:30.19
I'm thinking the first
time I got out from a bike shop,
00:15:30.22\00:15:33.27
and I didn't have any
money, I'm in Ministry.
00:15:33.30\00:15:36.11
If you have any money please
send it to us, but I didn't have
00:15:36.15\00:15:38.84
any money so I just put
the word out to my friends.
00:15:38.87\00:15:40.99
Money came in
and I got this bike.
00:15:41.03\00:15:43.99
I got out onto the road
on this bike, and I am riding
00:15:44.03\00:15:47.21
down the street, I just
wanted to laugh out loud.
00:15:47.24\00:15:50.28
I felt like a little
kid and it felt so good.
00:15:50.32\00:15:53.29
So now for the Leukemia
Society I am like a poster child
00:15:53.32\00:15:56.94
and we are doing
100 mile bike run around
00:15:56.97\00:15:58.57
Lake Tahoe in June.
00:15:58.61\00:16:00.35
We are doing a 300 mile
ride for an AIDS center in
00:16:00.38\00:16:04.28
Africa raising money for them.
00:16:04.31\00:16:06.20
So we are riding and it is
for a purpose and it is fun.
00:16:06.23\00:16:09.09
I am riding with 25 other
people that have committed to
00:16:09.13\00:16:11.96
do something good,
they are getting exercise,
00:16:11.99\00:16:13.95
they are getting outside,
and I am thinking God this
00:16:13.99\00:16:16.31
is the funnest recovery ever.
00:16:16.34\00:16:17.79
It is different
than what I was doing.
00:16:17.82\00:16:20.77
I was in my house
in a book, in a group
00:16:20.80\00:16:23.71
trying to learn about anger.
00:16:23.75\00:16:25.09
He is saying how
about learning about life?
00:16:25.13\00:16:26.93
I'm like, You are cool!
00:16:26.97\00:16:29.55
So let go, let God.
00:16:29.58\00:16:32.09
We are going to take a
break and I will introduce you
00:16:32.12\00:16:34.37
to some friends of
mine when we come back.
00:16:34.40\00:16:35.65
We will hear how God
taught them the very thing
00:16:35.68\00:16:38.39
I am talking about, and
if you get this very thing,
00:16:38.43\00:16:41.07
I'm telling you recovery
goes from be this dreaded thing,
00:16:41.11\00:16:44.44
this intense thing, to where
you were start laughing out
00:16:44.48\00:16:47.78
loud and you
might even get a bike.
00:16:47.82\00:16:50.07
Stay with us!
00:16:50.10\00:16:51.62