Welcome back!
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On this segment were going
to just get to the questions
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right away because there is
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a lot of questions.
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And we don't have a lot of time.
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So I'm going to open up
to the folks on the floor,
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is that alright? Let's do it!
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Teresa you had a question.
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Yes, after five years of
marriage, right now we are
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going to turn nine soon.
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But when I got married,
my self-esteem was so low,
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but thanks to God, thanks
to my husband, he's put my
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life at this level.
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Being down he put me so high.
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Something happened
that destroyed my heart, and
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obviously from being
up, it put me down again.
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And it has been so hard
for me to try to believe again,
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and to try to
trust in him again for
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something that
happened that destroyed me.
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Even though God has
been helping us, but it is
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very hard and want to
ask you, what can I do to
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in order to relieve a
relationship that can work again
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You have actually mentioned
several things Teresa, I mean
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one is if your
self-esteem is being
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mediated by your husband.
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You want to switch
that over to Jesus, because
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He is really stable.
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Your husband is a
wonderful man, I'm sure,
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but all men have instability.
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Some days we like you
and some days, we don't.
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And you just have to deal
at that because we do too.
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So you definitely want
to put the core of your
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esteem on Jesus.
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Because He will
never say anything but I
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love you, you are
beautiful your great.
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And that is permanent.
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Now when hurt happens in
a relationship depending on
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what degree it is,
sometimes we have to get angry.
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We have an exercise called
Cleansing the Temple, write
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the anger letter, go in a
room somewhere and just get it
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out of your body so
you can discharge that.
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Because when something
harmful happens, you have to
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go through the grief,
shock, denial anger, bargaining.
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If I did this or if I did
that, if the house is clean
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or what ever this wouldn't
of happened or whatever.
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And then you go
through sadness and acceptance
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so accelerating the
process would really be helpful.
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And then doing some
exercises, we talked about,
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as far as connecting
your heart together would be
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good, if you think you
something, and I don't know your
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situation, but I deal
with a lot of people who
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even as Christians do.
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Their situations with
either pornography, fidelity,
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or stuff that is outside
of what you're talking about.
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And I've known some
guys, they even do a polygraph
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to verify they are not
doing that stuff anymore.
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And that is
something that the men can do.
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So, that is radical, I
know, but some people are a
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lot more pain than you
are probably presenting.
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It's okay to have
pain, that is okay.
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And it's okay to talk
about your pain, and talk about
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your feelings, because
some of the pain is more
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feeling, rejected
feeling, unimportant
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and stuff like that.
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Him sharing his heart
with you, is going to validate
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that you are
important, your beautiful and
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you are desired by him.
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So what happens in
today's, tell me if I'm so off.
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So what if I'm damaged in
the relationship by something
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happened with my spouse,
and I'm damaged and trying
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to do these exercises,
and that pain comes up, what
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do I do with it
during the exercises?
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All of us are damaged
before we get married.
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We are all fallen.
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And we're damaged in
our marriage, so that's
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a level playing field.
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Your husband going to
hurt you, my wife is going to
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hurt me, that's life.
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Some is going be deeper
than others, so you're not
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saying to ignore the
intensity on what's happening?
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Now, but when you do
the exercise you want keep
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those things out.
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Because the exercise
is kind of like a vitamin.
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You put that in to
take out the toxins.
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Do you see what I'm saying?
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That actually fortifies
you connecting to each other so
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that you can resist
the things and have more
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strength when not if
when you hurt each other.
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And that's a huge-
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This is in really important
because a lot of women tends to
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believe it when they
get married, and they give
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their heart to their husband,
that their husband should
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do nothing to hurt their heart.
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Well, who are you marrying?
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Give me a break.
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You're the only guy out
there that's going to do that.
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Women have some fantasies
about their heart, about
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their beauty, and about
love that are just fantasies.
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You are going to be hurt.
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I am going to be hurt.
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My wife can be beautiful,
she's very beautiful, but
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she's going to
hurt me, GUARANTEED!
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She's a sinner, I'm a sinner.
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Do you see what I am saying?
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And sometimes that just
helps too, because in one of
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the books I've written,
it talks about realizing that
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you're going to forgive
every sin that person commits
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against you, before they do it.
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Knowing you are marrying a
sinner, and you have to make
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the decision before
hand, otherwise you are going
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to decide on
every sin along the way.
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And you don't want Ishmael,
if Ishmael decides Oh I'm going
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wait until Teresa sins,
then I'm going to say well.
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I forgive that no, not-your
going to pay for that one.
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Three years, six months,
two days and then your good.
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And if he actually
decided all the sins as you went
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through, that
that would be painful.
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Where, if Ishmael says in
his heart, what this woman is
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going to sin against me.
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She's beautiful,
I love her but she
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is going to sin against me.
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She's going to hurt my
heart, she's going to hurt me,
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and I've already
decided I'm going to forgive her
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from now until she dies.
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Every sin, his life
will be a lot easier.
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And that's
exactly what Christ did.
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It no surprise, oh you sinned!
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I'm so surprised,
a sinner that sinned!
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How weird is that?
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And that can soften
the process as well.
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But that is a
very good question.
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To me as you are speaking
that is incredible, cause
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Christ does that with
us before we even came into
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existence, He has forgiven us.
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Totally! - So just using
that concept in our marriage.
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And I love what you said too.
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In the middle of doing
this ten minutes, you might have
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all the stuff that you're
working on in your marriage,
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but let that go for a minute.
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And this is a
healthy safe place.
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And the commitment that
we have to make to each other
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to do that oh my
goodness is just a discipline.
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It's huge, but I mean,
you spend more time on your
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hair, most women spend
more than ten minutes on their
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hair, so they can
certainly spend ten minutes with
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the men they say they love.
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So it is not a
big time commitment.
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It does change, it
does change the texture
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of your marriage.
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Cause know there's going
to be a least one good oasis,
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even if all chaos broke
loose all day long, kids, you,
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the dogs, and neighbors.
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There are three car accidents,
and your garage got hit,
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the dog died by
getting struck by lightning.
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All that happen
in one day for you.
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You would still know
that in this ten minutes,
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there is a sacred spot.
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Just your heart,
just my heart, just now.
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And that makes marriage better.
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How does that feel?
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Anything else?
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I was thinking that sometimes
it depends, by our background
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for example, he
grew up as a Christian.
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In my case it was very
different came from Ecuador, and
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when I came over
here I wasn't Christian.
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Until I went to the
high school and met him.
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And that's when he started
inviting me to the Church.
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So my mentality is very
different in the way that I
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excepting him when he makes
a mistake, is very hard for me
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to understand probably
for him, it's more easier.
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But sometimes I'm
thinking about how to start.
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Because he
wasn't to be a sinner,
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and you were
supposed to be a sinner?
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Yes that's right,
now I'm telling you.
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He sins different
than you, that's all.
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How does that make you feel?
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From the beginning she
was thinking, because she came
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from that
background, not Christian.
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You're not going to be perfect.
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She looked up to
me to do things right.
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You messed up right!
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Well, yeah, after nine years,
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you make a lot of mistakes.
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And this is surprising right?
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Surprising for her.
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But I have another question,
when you make mistakes,
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how can you forget
about the mistake, and don't
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bring that mistake
like two, three years later,
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and bring that pain back?
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Now there's two parts
to your questions, Ishmael
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because sometimes
especially as someone
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that think, now
don't think you're perfect.
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I don't get that
sense from you, but some
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people actually do.
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They hide their sins
that it makes it hard to be
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in a relationship,
because they are un-authentic.
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We all sin, so you have
to have a policy in your
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marriage about sin how
are you going to deal with it.
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Is just like the
government, how are you going to
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govern, how you deal with sin.
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Are you going to do with
the Bible says, confession
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faults one to another?
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Pray for each other.
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You know, I sinned
against you, today I was rude,
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I was impatient.
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I have two do this
a few times a week for
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just a slight attitude.
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Because that is sin, I
don't call it an issue, I blame
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my mom, I'm your daddy.
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I don't call on any
excuses for my behavior.
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I'm responsible, so if
I'm impatient, or I don't have
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all the information, then
there was like some situation
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in my office, my wife
works alongside of me, and I was
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I had something
scheduled, and she scheduled
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a friend's wedding, well the
friend scheduled the wedding.
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but it was supposed to be this
wedding and they were on two
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different calendars and
that was suppose to be managed.
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Well, cause that is what
is supposed to happen and
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and it didn't happen and I was
instantly kind of like, that.
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And you know, I'm usually
pretty gentle, but every once
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in a while I get just like
this lightning bolt hits me
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and I go insane.
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And so I had to ask her,
but see, I did only apologize
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to her, because one of my
office staff is right next to
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my wife, when this happened.
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So the next day I
went in when she was there.
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Jamie, in my office and Lisa
my wife, and I said listen Jamie
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yesterday, I sinned
against my wife in front of you.
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I shouldn't act like that.
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That was wrong, forgive me.
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And they both, my
wife did forgive me.
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You see if you have an
attitude towards sin, and you're
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going to sin, and when you
sin you'll confess it and your
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marriage will be a
whole lot easier than if you
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think you're perfect, and
you've got to protect yourself.
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Does that make sense?
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So that position
really depends on you.
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So if you are a guy who
protects himself from sin all
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the time, your wife
got to pointed it out.
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Then that's different.
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If you're someone that
confesses it along the way,
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then you're going to
be on an easier deal.
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And I would say
Theresa, expect him to sin,
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Don't look for
it, it will show up.
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But when he does, give
him the same grace that you
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received in Christ.
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You know, he's not
better than you because
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he was saved before you.
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You know I'm saying?
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The blood has no time,
do you know what I'm saying?
00:10:05.09\00:10:09.79
It will help you
relax, help and him relax.
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now he's
allowed to be imperfect.
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He doesn't have to practice it.
00:10:13.68\00:10:15.47
But he is allowed to be.
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Going through this process,
what I find so incredible
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what couples decide to
literally look at the reality
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of their truth in a situation.
00:10:25.18\00:10:27.04
Is there a is a freedom in that.
00:10:27.08\00:10:28.88
I don't have to pretend
that I'm not this or that.
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I can literally
work on stuff and really
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want to be better.
00:10:35.85\00:10:36.82
But when the Bible says
like a child of God doesn't
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sin, I started looking at
the Greek word and it says
00:10:39.93\00:10:42.87
does it continually
habitually commit the same sin.
00:10:42.90\00:10:46.54
So being able to say to
somebody that in the marriage
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relationship is when we
messed up how are we going to
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handle that and I love
the way you pointed that out.
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It's just like when
you burp you say excuse me.
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Now look at, you
guys you don't burp right?
00:10:56.54\00:10:58.79
It's that kind of thing.
00:10:58.82\00:11:02.44
You just ask
forgiveness and move forward,
00:11:02.48\00:11:05.46
knowing that your sinners.
00:11:05.50\00:11:06.77
You know, my wife sins
very rarely actually, but you
00:11:06.80\00:11:09.77
know, when she does
she owns it and its good.
00:11:09.80\00:11:11.94
I'm calling her, is that true?
00:11:11.97\00:11:13.97
Yeah, and my
sons, just like her.
00:11:14.01\00:11:15.94
He sins very rarely,
and he'll confess his sin
00:11:15.97\00:11:19.08
almost before he does it.
00:11:19.12\00:11:20.09
And I am like, what
is this I married a saint
00:11:20.13\00:11:22.85
and now I have got a son.
00:11:22.88\00:11:23.85
That's really tough
there's two against me now.
00:11:23.94\00:11:26.07
Unfortunately, my
daughters more like me, so we do
00:11:26.10\00:11:28.19
our fair share of sinning.
00:11:28.23\00:11:29.53
That's funny, that is so funny.
00:11:29.57\00:11:32.67
Okay, are there
any other questions?
00:11:32.71\00:11:34.72
How about Nyse.
00:11:34.75\00:11:36.96
Okay, great.
00:11:37.00\00:11:39.14
So we see the whole
picture here with the marriage
00:11:39.17\00:11:42.08
and stuff like that.
00:11:42.12\00:11:43.09
You can take care in ten
minutes and stuff like that
00:11:43.10\00:11:45.89
which is fantastic.
00:11:45.93\00:11:46.92
However, with the marriage,
whether it was good or bad,
00:11:46.95\00:11:49.22
so that's in place already.
00:11:49.26\00:11:50.81
So you're going to
have to work it out, but
00:11:50.84\00:11:52.91
for like the single people,
myself and a partner here,
00:11:52.95\00:11:57.19
you know, just looking at it
is their something, eight, nine
00:11:57.23\00:12:00.10
minute fix or
something like that.
00:12:00.14\00:12:01.51
But the only catch is, is
that for the single person it's
00:12:01.54\00:12:06.04
like double trouble.
00:12:06.07\00:12:07.82
If I can say that.
00:12:07.85\00:12:09.06
There's so many things
come from left, from right.
00:12:09.09\00:12:10.91
And stuff like that and
then especially with the
00:12:10.94\00:12:13.16
marriage you I make sure
it's good so you don't have
00:12:13.20\00:12:15.38
to deal with these issues later.
00:12:15.42\00:12:17.62
Is there some simple steps or.
00:12:17.66\00:12:19.79
I've got a couple things
I want to say to you Nyse.
00:12:19.83\00:12:22.15
Jesus has been single
for two thousand years.
00:12:22.19\00:12:25.42
So it's okay, you know
what He's perfect to don't
00:12:25.46\00:12:28.66
take it personally.
00:12:28.70\00:12:29.67
Right there, I'm saying I
dating the Lord and wedding
00:12:29.68\00:12:31.98
for Him when He
comes back with the church.
00:12:32.01\00:12:33.72
He may have someone for
you, but I dated my wife for
00:12:33.76\00:12:38.06
five years and during that time,
00:12:38.10\00:12:39.92
we took personality inventories.
00:12:39.95\00:12:41.74
We read premarital books.
00:12:41.77\00:12:43.58
We really worked
on it to make sure
00:12:43.62\00:12:45.11
that we were compatible.
00:12:45.14\00:12:46.25
So there isn't ten
minutes, it's a process.
00:12:46.28\00:12:49.01
You definitely want to have
people around you giving you
00:12:49.04\00:12:51.65
feedback, so that your emotions
00:12:51.68\00:12:52.86
are not getting in the way.
00:12:52.89\00:12:54.00
And that your physical
relationship is staying pure.
00:12:54.03\00:12:57.22
So it isn't ten minutes sorry.
00:12:57.26\00:12:59.83
But the principles as far
as praying together, sharing
00:12:59.86\00:13:02.68
your heart, connecting
quality time, those are the same
00:13:02.71\00:13:04.97
because those are the
same principles that make every
00:13:05.01\00:13:07.23
relationship successful.
00:13:07.26\00:13:08.47
So once you find this
person apply those principles,
00:13:08.51\00:13:11.35
and then maintain those
principles after you marry
00:13:11.38\00:13:13.82
them, don't just dump them
off and say well now you're
00:13:13.85\00:13:16.25
my wife. I don't
have to maintain you.
00:13:16.29\00:13:17.35
The same thing that you
did to capture her heart, is
00:13:17.38\00:13:19.96
the same thing you will
need to do to maintain it.
00:13:19.99\00:13:23.69
So, you are on a life
journey and the fact that you
00:13:23.72\00:13:27.35
have not discovered the prize
is part of, I call it God's,
00:13:27.38\00:13:32.21
one of His favorite
game, hide and seek.
00:13:32.25\00:13:34.20
Up no I'm not there, up
not there, up oh you found me.
00:13:34.23\00:13:37.90
So just be patient with Him He's
playing but for your purpose
00:13:39.74\00:13:43.24
stay under
authority, be accountable,
00:13:43.28\00:13:46.44
and you are going to be great.
00:13:46.47\00:13:47.44
You know, it is incredible
what you said, as far as
00:13:47.45\00:13:51.68
being single, is that I
really believe that skills that
00:13:51.72\00:13:55.95
you learn just with yourself
00:13:55.98\00:13:57.52
and with people around too.
00:13:57.56\00:13:59.03
I can clearly say to somebody,
even in the congregation
00:13:59.06\00:14:02.99
the body of Christ or friend, be
00:14:03.03\00:14:05.18
straight up with who I
am, but I learn those skills.
00:14:05.22\00:14:07.61
So it's not just marriage.
00:14:07.65\00:14:09.47
Clean up your own backyard,
so if you got stuff in your past
00:14:09.50\00:14:12.31
just in general with single
people, I say clean up your
00:14:12.34\00:14:15.08
backyard because then you don't
have to be messing with that
00:14:15.11\00:14:17.14
one when you are married
because it is a lot worse.
00:14:17.18\00:14:19.81
Clean up now, also
your self-esteem will go up.
00:14:19.85\00:14:21.88
So you'll choose
someone with higher self-esteem.
00:14:21.91\00:14:23.87
So, you know why I think
people it up with dealing that
00:14:23.91\00:14:26.53
stuff more when they're
married in their single?
00:14:26.57\00:14:28.54
It's because your
buttons are pushed all the time.
00:14:28.57\00:14:30.51
If your buttons
are way out here.
00:14:30.55\00:14:32.23
If I'm staying with
somebody twenty four seven,
00:14:32.27\00:14:34.92
and I have buttons to push.
00:14:34.96\00:14:37.90
If you're wounded, you
can are going to have to act
00:14:37.93\00:14:39.55
like a wounded
person not a healed person.
00:14:39.58\00:14:41.17
Marriage is definitely a place
that will show what you have
00:14:41.21\00:14:45.11
done, what you haven't done,
00:14:45.14\00:14:46.12
and what you've got yet to do.
00:14:46.16\00:14:47.13
You know somebody said I was
find until I married that guy.
00:14:47.14\00:14:50.65
And I'm thinking
you weren't though.
00:14:50.69\00:14:52.76
You just got deceived,
he just showed you that
00:14:52.79\00:14:53.99
you were deceived.
00:14:54.03\00:14:55.00
Exactly, exactly,
great question though.
00:14:55.01\00:14:58.30
Monique, you had a question.
00:14:58.34\00:14:59.96
Yes, I'm single and as I have
gotten involved in different
00:15:00.00\00:15:05.78
relationships and you
put the work in so you can
00:15:05.81\00:15:08.18
get to know the person.
00:15:08.21\00:15:09.18
You want them to be authentic,
you want to be authentic
00:15:09.22\00:15:10.99
so that you can really, honestly
assess whether this person
00:15:11.03\00:15:13.67
can become a life-long partner.
00:15:13.70\00:15:15.79
As you are putting that work
in, if you begin to realize that
00:15:15.83\00:15:19.24
this person has issues or
addictions or certain vices that
00:15:19.27\00:15:22.65
you know you can't
live with and put up with.
00:15:22.68\00:15:24.72
I would think that when you
are in that dating relationship
00:15:24.76\00:15:27.33
something needs
to end at that point.
00:15:27.37\00:15:30.06
When you are
married you have to put
00:15:30.09\00:15:32.75
the work in to fix it.
00:15:32.78\00:15:33.75
And so many times, I
think, in relationships,
00:15:33.76\00:15:35.96
people, if you're dating, people
are trying fix something that.
00:15:36.00\00:15:39.33
is wrong with the other person.
00:15:39.36\00:15:40.38
So there should be a
difference when you are
00:15:40.42\00:15:44.28
you are married verses dating.
00:15:44.32\00:15:45.29
When you are dating somebody,
your intuition is right Monique
00:15:45.30\00:15:49.33
you are investigating.
00:15:49.37\00:15:50.45
And you are trying to
find out if you can live with
00:15:50.49\00:15:53.52
the land mines you find,
and some you can live with.
00:15:53.56\00:15:56.56
you know they like
different food than you.
00:15:56.59\00:15:59.21
They don't know how to
dress, and stuff like that,
00:15:59.25\00:16:01.83
you might be able to
live with some of that.
00:16:01.86\00:16:03.05
But there might be some
character flaws like lying,
00:16:03.08\00:16:05.12
that you cannot live with.
00:16:05.15\00:16:07.33
Or addictions, or you find out
they are dating other people.
00:16:07.36\00:16:11.28
Things like that and those
things all happen in a dating
00:16:11.31\00:16:15.20
relationship, but
when you are dating,
00:16:15.23\00:16:16.80
you have to
make a decision okay?
00:16:16.83\00:16:17.90
If you are getting in that
part of the relationship and
00:16:17.94\00:16:21.23
you know you can't go
the distance, get out.
00:16:21.27\00:16:23.32
Save yourself time, save
themselves time, let them keep
00:16:23.35\00:16:26.04
shopping, you keep shopping
that's all legit and normal.
00:16:26.08\00:16:28.73
The difficulty is
sometimes in recovery.
00:16:28.76\00:16:32.05
there is this one liner
that says principle over people.
00:16:32.09\00:16:35.58
If you stick to that you
will be okay, if you stick to
00:16:35.61\00:16:39.06
your principles
you will be okay.
00:16:39.10\00:16:40.21
But if you start saying well
no they are really cute, they
00:16:40.25\00:16:42.89
have potential, just because
do heroin or just because
00:16:42.93\00:16:45.54
they lie or just because of
this, I think we can make it
00:16:45.57\00:16:47.81
on our love, then you
start making it about person.
00:16:47.84\00:16:50.85
You start making
decisions based on the person as
00:16:50.88\00:16:53.15
apposed to the principle.
00:16:53.19\00:16:54.16
If you understand as a principle
you can't be with a liar
00:16:54.17\00:16:56.65
then you can't be with one.
00:16:56.68\00:16:58.37
Does that make sense?
00:16:58.41\00:16:59.58
Think your intuition is
right and I would really
00:16:59.61\00:17:02.48
just encourage you to have
a couple good guy friends and
00:17:02.52\00:17:06.92
girlfriends that look
at the people that you're
00:17:06.96\00:17:08.95
looking at, because
they will look at their flaws
00:17:08.99\00:17:10.95
sharper than you will.
00:17:10.99\00:17:12.32
And get the collective
group consensus on their flaws,
00:17:12.36\00:17:17.72
and I think that helps
as well, because sometimes
00:17:17.76\00:17:19.94
you get into a relationship
that is just you and me
00:17:19.98\00:17:22.10
and were trying to investigate
each other, you know.
00:17:22.14\00:17:24.81
And if a guy is trying to
isolate you all the time from
00:17:24.84\00:17:27.48
your friends, that's
a problem right there.
00:17:27.51\00:17:29.83
You know what I'm saying
because he doesn't really
00:17:29.86\00:17:31.95
want to be looked at.
00:17:31.98\00:17:33.32
See what I'm saying.
00:17:33.35\00:17:34.62
I get it, I get it so it
is okay just share with a
00:17:34.66\00:17:36.98
friend that this
person has this problem.
00:17:37.02\00:17:38.66
I need to get out of
this relationship and I guess
00:17:38.69\00:17:43.15
that would help
me to be accountable.
00:17:43.18\00:17:44.45
Yes, you'd be called
crazy and stuff like that.
00:17:44.49\00:17:46.97
And that kind of starts
getting to you after while.
00:17:47.00\00:17:49.68
To me it's incredible
when you look at your friend
00:17:49.72\00:17:52.37
and you kind of just
putting it out there.
00:17:52.40\00:17:53.82
And I've done this when I
was single, and they looked
00:17:53.86\00:17:56.18
at many like are you kidding me?
00:17:56.22\00:17:57.55
He said that, and
you just stood there.
00:17:57.59\00:17:59.58
And they're looking at
like it's absolutely just
00:17:59.61\00:18:02.77
beyond what they could imagine
you would be putting up with
00:18:02.80\00:18:04.51
And you're like what
and you really have to
00:18:04.54\00:18:07.37
look at the reaction.
00:18:07.41\00:18:08.46
Because I'm thinking
he's funny he's cute,
00:18:08.50\00:18:10.63
he makes me laugh.
00:18:10.66\00:18:11.63
And they are like you
would put up with that for
00:18:11.64\00:18:14.55
anybody, I am not
sure why you are putting
00:18:14.59\00:18:16.63
up with that, with him.
00:18:16.66\00:18:17.89
One thing to know what
to say about single that I
00:18:17.93\00:18:20.93
find out as I
travel, is that a lot of
00:18:20.97\00:18:23.77
people engage physically.
00:18:23.81\00:18:25.55
It in those relationships
and they are so bonded with
00:18:25.59\00:18:28.15
each other that the principal
thing is out the window.
00:18:28.18\00:18:30.71
So can you talk on that?
00:18:30.74\00:18:32.04
That is one of the
reasons why God wanted us to
00:18:32.08\00:18:33.36
be not sexual before marriage.
00:18:33.40\00:18:36.80
Because once you start
having sex you get kind of
00:18:36.83\00:18:40.32
unable to see clearly.
00:18:40.36\00:18:42.79
The honeymoon
period of the relationship
00:18:42.82\00:18:44.80
of the marriage okay.
00:18:44.83\00:18:45.80
And what happens is
that if you are not sexual,
00:18:45.83\00:18:47.99
you can keep principle first.
00:18:48.03\00:18:50.24
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:18:50.28\00:18:52.42
Once you start, being
sexual you get so physically and
00:18:52.45\00:18:55.32
psychologically attached
and emotionally attached that
00:18:55.36\00:18:58.68
you will tolerate stuff,
because of your own guilt,
00:18:58.71\00:19:01.99
your own shame
at all that stuff.
00:19:02.03\00:19:04.52
You made that
connection. It gets messy,
00:19:04.56\00:19:07.93
So the sex thing is
really a variable only for
00:19:07.97\00:19:10.98
marriage, because God
doesn't want you messed up.
00:19:11.01\00:19:13.96
Because if you are dating
a loser, He wants you to know
00:19:13.99\00:19:16.82
before you married him.
00:19:16.85\00:19:17.82
It's a lot less work, you know!
00:19:17.83\00:19:22.65
What I think is real interesting
is that when you look
00:19:22.68\00:19:26.19
at, that is that you
can see as an outsider.
00:19:26.23\00:19:29.73
You kind of see somebody
and they are whole journey
00:19:29.77\00:19:32.46
into marriage, and you
want to say what shocked you
00:19:32.50\00:19:35.15
about what you
are experiencing now.
00:19:35.19\00:19:36.66
But they have already
connected and bonded so much,
00:19:36.70\00:19:38.58
had no accountability partner.
00:19:38.62\00:19:41.03
I'm a counselor, and I
have been doing counseling for
00:19:41.06\00:19:43.89
over nineteen years.
00:19:43.93\00:19:44.97
At some of the
people dating got pregnant
00:19:45.00\00:19:46.41
and got married.
00:19:46.69\00:19:47.66
And now the trek up from
there is sometimes difficult,
00:19:47.67\00:19:50.44
because they might have
married him in two or three
00:19:50.48\00:19:52.73
years, but they weren't
really mature enough at that
00:19:52.76\00:19:54.98
particular juncture in time.
00:19:55.02\00:19:56.41
It made them have to do a
whole lot more work, so yeah.
00:19:56.45\00:19:59.30
It gets
complicated, so keep it simple,
00:19:59.34\00:20:01.35
keep it pure,
keep it clean, fun.
00:20:01.38\00:20:03.61
This is going to be an
odd thing to say, but I'd read
00:20:03.64\00:20:07.22
in Deuteronomy this
thing at child born outside of
00:20:07.26\00:20:10.12
wedlock, child born
outside of that commitment
00:20:10.15\00:20:12.93
relationship, and it
said something about being
00:20:12.97\00:20:15.71
cursed by ten generations.
00:20:15.75\00:20:17.32
I am that child
that was conceived.
00:20:17.36\00:20:20.58
But when I read
that, I try to say God,
00:20:20.62\00:20:23.81
what does that mean?
00:20:23.84\00:20:24.90
It wasn't really
that God said He was
00:20:24.93\00:20:26.21
going to curse them.
00:20:26.24\00:20:27.58
Just because it's out of
wedlock, because of all the
00:20:27.61\00:20:29.83
garbage around all that
kind of stuff, unless somebody
00:20:29.87\00:20:32.05
stands up and
claims that life back.
00:20:32.09\00:20:34.99
There, just set up for this.
00:20:35.02\00:20:36.41
So, I think that we
really don't put in enough stock
00:20:36.45\00:20:40.31
into the principles that
God has given to us in those
00:20:40.35\00:20:44.18
dating relationships.
00:20:44.21\00:20:45.33
In those pre-marriage times,
00:20:45.36\00:20:46.92
where God again
tries to bless us.
00:20:46.95\00:20:49.91
And there's no room
to get in to bless us.
00:20:49.95\00:20:52.25
And if you have to
manipulate and try to make
00:20:52.29\00:20:54.56
it all happen for you.
00:20:54.60\00:20:55.57
And I would say this to
any single, not just talking
00:20:55.58\00:20:57.96
to either one of you
guys, I'm just talking to like
00:20:57.99\00:21:00.38
singles at large
in the body of Christ.
00:21:00.41\00:21:02.23
Jesus does forgive you for
those sins, He does forgive
00:21:02.26\00:21:06.83
you for sexual immorality.
00:21:06.86\00:21:08.04
He does not want you to
participate in that because
00:21:08.07\00:21:10.09
it's steals your
spiritual authority.
00:21:10.12\00:21:11.66
And that revelation as a
whole other conversation.
00:21:11.69\00:21:14.04
But He does forgive, He
does want to redeem and you
00:21:14.07\00:21:16.72
don't want to ever have
to get married out of guilt,
00:21:16.76\00:21:19.37
because you had sex.
00:21:19.40\00:21:20.37
That's like a
really double bad thing.
00:21:20.38\00:21:22.58
You want to get forgiven,
get right and accountable and
00:21:22.61\00:21:26.91
then just move
forward to that process.
00:21:26.94\00:21:28.76
Some people think it's
so condemned and it is.
00:21:28.79\00:21:31.82
It's not a good idea,
but the blood of Jesus is so
00:21:31.86\00:21:35.23
powerful, it has forgiven
every sin, every person of
00:21:35.27\00:21:38.27
every nation that has
existed or ever will exist.
00:21:38.31\00:21:41.28
So our little
sin, isn't going to put
00:21:41.32\00:21:44.00
Jesus out of commission?
00:21:44.03\00:21:46.08
But it will impact us if
we don't get it under the
00:21:46.11\00:21:49.96
blood and move it into
a redemptive community.
00:21:50.00\00:21:51.87
Does that make sense?
00:21:51.90\00:21:53.21
So it's really powerful
that the message be responsible.
00:21:53.24\00:21:56.56
There is grace, be responsible,
and there is grace be
00:21:56.59\00:21:59.88
responsible, and there is grace.
00:21:59.91\00:22:01.18
To know what I'm saying
is we are all humans and we
00:22:01.22\00:22:04.28
fumble around on
finding the partner thing.
00:22:04.32\00:22:06.52
And I think the church
has done a bad job actually.
00:22:06.55\00:22:10.31
In one of the senses - I see,
00:22:10.35\00:22:13.80
I see like this little thing.
00:22:13.83\00:22:17.21
This is my soapbox, and
I saw that come up for you.
00:22:17.24\00:22:23.10
All right, let's do it.
00:22:23.14\00:22:24.47
Because I think the church
has abandoned single people.
00:22:24.50\00:22:27.32
I have a book that's not
published called Successfully
00:22:27.35\00:22:30.41
Single, and in there and
we have doctrines on baptism
00:22:30.45\00:22:33.83
and all kinds of things,
but we do not have a doctrine
00:22:33.86\00:22:37.21
of singleness that's effective.
00:22:37.24\00:22:39.87
In the western culture,
what we have done is say
00:22:39.91\00:22:42.29
singles don't ask
and we won't tell.
00:22:42.33\00:22:44.48
You don't tell how we
won't ask to whatever you want.
00:22:44.52\00:22:46.40
Too bad for the those boo-boos.
00:22:46.43\00:22:47.69
We are not a family
a redemptive family.
00:22:47.73\00:22:49.87
You are the most valuable
possession, we have and we
00:22:49.91\00:22:52.44
are going to protect you.
00:22:52.48\00:22:53.45
And when you come into
this family, here are the dating
00:22:53.46\00:22:55.67
guidelines, and if you
mess them up, there is to be
00:22:55.70\00:22:58.70
some man in your face,
because we love you, the church
00:22:58.73\00:23:01.91
has abandoned the
singles, until they get married.
00:23:01.94\00:23:05.02
And I think generally,
I do singles conferences,
00:23:05.06\00:23:08.10
singles feel that, they do
00:23:08.14\00:23:10.54
not feel
protected in the church.
00:23:10.58\00:23:11.80
Now in our church, we
actually had a situation where
00:23:11.83\00:23:15.04
the Singles Again group,
there was a guy in there, who
00:23:15.07\00:23:18.44
was going after the
women who were married before.
00:23:18.48\00:23:21.38
Divorced women, and he
was acting inappropriately.
00:23:21.42\00:23:24.29
And he had to be
confronted by the church,
00:23:24.32\00:23:26.20
and he was asked to leave.
00:23:26.23\00:23:27.72
Few churches do that.
00:23:27.76\00:23:29.51
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:23:29.55\00:23:31.32
And you're all
shaking your head because
00:23:31.36\00:23:32.75
we don't talk about it.
00:23:32.78\00:23:33.75
And so we do not
want wolves in the church.
00:23:33.76\00:23:35.30
I think the church has
to do a better job Cheri, at
00:23:35.34\00:23:38.92
protecting and giving
good guidelines for dating.
00:23:38.96\00:23:42.51
You know, my
daughter, she has guidelines.
00:23:42.54\00:23:44.64
I bet she does.
00:23:44.67\00:23:46.77
Oh yeah, because she's so young.
00:23:46.80\00:23:49.24
She says God bless the
man who wants to date me.
00:23:49.27\00:23:53.32
He's going to have
to go through my dad.
00:23:53.35\00:23:55.08
If he gets through
that alive, I think he might
00:23:55.12\00:23:58.87
be okay to marry.
00:23:58.90\00:24:00.00
So, we have already
reduced, because there is a
00:24:00.03\00:24:02.18
genuine respect of the
family ness of that process
00:24:02.21\00:24:07.61
that is not a you
process, a family process.
00:24:07.65\00:24:10.56
And the church does
not have a family process
00:24:10.59\00:24:13.47
for singles to go through.
00:24:13.51\00:24:14.59
To say not only that, but
there's not the process to
00:24:14.63\00:24:17.70
bless them, to say
hey, you've done it right,
00:24:17.74\00:24:22.00
you dated, you
courted, you've been pure to the
00:24:22.03\00:24:24.94
best of our knowledge,
and now because of that,
00:24:24.97\00:24:28.15
your spiritual
mentors, your pastor and other
00:24:28.18\00:24:31.28
people are going to come
and we are going to have a
00:24:31.32\00:24:33.01
meeting on your engagement
and were going to bless
00:24:33.04\00:24:34.70
you in your marriage.
00:24:34.73\00:24:35.70
There is the
missing of the blessing.
00:24:35.71\00:24:37.85
And you just feel the need
for that, the hope in that.
00:24:37.88\00:24:41.72
It is absolutely huge,
and I think, I believe as we
00:24:41.75\00:24:45.55
heal in our marriage.
00:24:45.58\00:24:46.57
As we heal in our churches
00:24:46.61\00:24:47.77
and we heal in our singleness.
00:24:47.80\00:24:48.90
And we heal in our children.
00:24:48.94\00:24:50.71
I mean, it's just is systemic.
00:24:50.75\00:24:52.62
The singleness systemic issue,
00:24:52.65\00:24:54.26
and the church is systemic.
00:24:54.30\00:24:55.84
It doesn't matter what
the denomination we are not
00:24:55.87\00:24:57.35
protecting our singleness.
00:24:57.38\00:24:59.46
We are saying we are not
going to protect you in the
00:24:59.49\00:25:01.22
worst culture that has
ever existed in human history
00:25:01.26\00:25:03.47
with pornography on the
phone with the Internet.
00:25:03.50\00:25:05.68
Next you in the computer work.
00:25:05.71\00:25:07.50
We are not going to
protect you against that,
00:25:07.53\00:25:09.42
but you do good
and tells how goes.
00:25:09.46\00:25:11.28
And I do have some anger
about that because my daughter
00:25:11.31\00:25:13.75
is coming up to there and
I want her to be protected.
00:25:13.79\00:25:16.29
I want my son to be in
a college, in local church
00:25:16.32\00:25:18.79
that protects her
as much as I would.
00:25:18.82\00:25:20.65
My daughter said when
she was probably fifteen,
00:25:20.69\00:25:22.93
and we were going
through some stuff, she said she
00:25:22.97\00:25:25.18
was reading about how
they blessed the women
00:25:25.22\00:25:29.36
of the virgins of Israel.
00:25:29.39\00:25:30.40
In fact stoned them, if
they weren't at all like kind
00:25:30.43\00:25:32.69
of stuff and she said, mom,
00:25:32.73\00:25:33.97
nobody cares about
this stuff anymore.
00:25:34.01\00:25:35.99
And she literally
had tears in her eyes,
00:25:36.02\00:25:37.96
nobody cares about this.
00:25:38.00\00:25:39.29
And I'm thinking,
we've got to care about that.
00:25:39.33\00:25:41.12
So it is almost a cry out
saying that you talk about
00:25:41.15\00:25:45.70
marriage, but it
all is important.
00:25:45.73\00:25:47.32
It really is all important.
00:25:47.35\00:25:48.91
And it is so important that
00:25:48.95\00:25:50.51
the church redeems singleness.
00:25:50.54\00:25:52.04
It really is and we
honor it and say this a very
00:25:52.07\00:25:54.84
important time of your life.
00:25:54.87\00:25:56.79
Grow close to Lord, go
ahead and date, and court,
00:25:56.83\00:25:58.76
whatever you're going to
do there, but we are going
00:25:58.79\00:26:00.69
to oversee you
because we love you and
00:26:00.73\00:26:02.22
want to protect you.
00:26:02.25\00:26:03.22
That's incredible, because
I just believe that people
00:26:03.23\00:26:06.24
feel so loved when somebody
just covers them and says,
00:26:06.27\00:26:09.33
you know what we care about you.
00:26:09.36\00:26:10.54
It is a big deal.
00:26:10.58\00:26:11.60
If we can do that in
the church then I think
00:26:11.64\00:26:14.92
everything gets healthy.
00:26:14.96\00:26:15.99
Absolutely, in. I think
at the church as a family
00:26:16.02\00:26:19.52
and of our families are
healthier in their marriages,
00:26:19.56\00:26:23.38
and in the dating processes,
and raising children than
00:26:23.42\00:26:26.71
the culture is going to be
attracted to us not because
00:26:26.74\00:26:29.99
of some deep
spiritual experience.
00:26:30.03\00:26:32.36
But because it looks
like we've got health,
00:26:32.40\00:26:34.44
and they are sick.
00:26:34.48\00:26:36.11
And they are going to come
where they think health is.
00:26:36.15\00:26:38.32
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:26:38.35\00:26:39.68
And then they will get
saved and have eternal life and
00:26:39.72\00:26:41.67
it's a wonderful process.
00:26:41.71\00:26:42.77
However if we don't get healthy,
00:26:42.81\00:26:45.12
they are going to run from us.
00:26:45.16\00:26:47.40
Well, they can't tell the
difference between the show at
00:26:47.43\00:26:50.57
church and the show in
the world, that is an issue.
00:26:50.61\00:26:54.14
Exactly, we are
going to take a break,
00:26:54.17\00:26:56.39
but stay with us.
00:26:56.43\00:26:57.40
I am hoping that you just
heard everything, everything
00:26:57.41\00:27:00.84
because it's still so cool.
00:27:00.88\00:27:02.11
It's so cool to fix our
marriages, to fall in love
00:27:02.15\00:27:05.10
with each other to stay in
love to date and do all that
00:27:05.14\00:27:07.48
kind of stuff is just amazing.
00:27:07.51\00:27:08.84
And we got to start
somewhere and we got
00:27:08.87\00:27:11.66
take care of each other.
00:27:11.69\00:27:12.66
And then I think the
world will be drawn toward us
00:27:12.67\00:27:15.73
because its way cool.
00:27:15.77\00:27:18.31
Stay tuned, we
will be right back!
00:27:18.35\00:27:20.00