Welcome to
Celebrate Life In Recovery.
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I'm Cheri your host.
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I believe that the most
import relationship beside with
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God is with our spouse.
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I really believe that,
but if you are like most of us
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that's the hardest one.
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What if you could fix it
in just Ten Minutes A Day.
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Join us and let's see how.
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Welcome, this is my favorite
part of the show, but we are
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going to do a little
bit different right now.
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Instead of doing
the teaching segment
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I want to introduce
you to the guest right off.
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We are going to meet with
Doug Weiss again and I want to
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say Dr. Doug. Thank you
so much for coming back.
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Well thank you
for having me back.
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Were going to talk
about marriage this time.
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I like marriage.
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I was just going to say,
we were going to do a radio
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interview at one time.
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The radio interview is going to
be on the Ten Minute Marriage.
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And I thought how cool is
that and your office sent me the
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book and I look through
the book I was reading it.
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I was reading it and going
through and trying to get good
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interview questions
in that kind of thing.
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And I left it sitting
down, my husband picks it up as
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getting ready for work
in the morning and he looks
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at the tile Ten Minute Marriage,
and he's like I do that.
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Absolutely that's
the guy type isn't it.
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That's why guys love
the book because it's
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actually
practical in ten minutes I
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can do that and if that will
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keep my wife happy
let me get into that book.
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And so he did, he decided
to do it this cracked me up.
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He sees that and he says,
you know what he reads through
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okay ten minutes and I
can pick any of these things.
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Nana Nana Nana Nana
as though he decides he
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going to do it right now.
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It's like six
thirty in the morning,
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I'm asleep, sound asleep.
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He comes back
upstairs and I literally
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had drool on my face.
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He's thinking no
time like the present.
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Exactly he's like so focused,
so he says Hon, wake up,
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and I'm like excuse me.
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And he's like wake up.
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I got something
I want to do, and
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I'm like what he says wake up.
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And I wake up and he
says, look at me and I'm like,
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what is up.
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I don't have to get up,
yet, you know and what is up.
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He's like look at me are a
looking at me, yeah, what's up.
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And in trying to wipe the
sleep from my eyes, and the
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drool from my
face and he's like.
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I love you, let that
settle in your heart.
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And I realized that he
had read your new book, and
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I'm like, not now and
then I thought I'd better
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not discourage him.
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So tell us a little bit
first of all who are you for
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people who have never
seen you on previous show.
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And then what's
he talking about.
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Well I'm Dr. Doug Weiss,
we have a counseling center in
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Colorado Springs,
where we do three intense
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phone counseling
and all that of stuff.
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We been doing it for twenty
years, almost twenty years and
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what we found is
actually principles
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that help marriages work.
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And we been putting marriages
together for about that
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long, and it's really fun
stuff so your husband is right
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he found a toolkit
that can actually help him.
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In the kit there's ten different
exercises, you pick three,
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and you do them.
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At what he was
excited probably about was.
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While this looks like
it would actually work,
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let me go try it.
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Guys like trying
different things as he just
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tried it on you.
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What's really
interesting for a long time,
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what I'm telling him.
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You know he plays in the
orchestra, he works at the
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University, is a busy
guy has so many things he
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produces a jazz fest.
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So many things on his plate.
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I will say
something to him very generic.
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You know what I want
to be on your plate too.
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And he's like was that mean.
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So totally... - I think you
should talk about that because
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what the ten minute marriage
did was given him what that
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means in ten minutes.
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We are not really
trained in any where and I got
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four degrees and
there's nowhere 2 in counseling
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and 2 in theology
and there's nowhere
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they actually trained me
how to be intimate, how to share
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feelings, how to communicate,
and how to do some of the
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other exercises like well
we'll get into that later.
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So you don't have any training,
and then you put it into a
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marriage and this woman
is saying give me your heart.
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What does that mean in guy
language, put the engine I mean
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what does that mean?
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That is totally
different language okay.
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So this book says okay
this is actually how you do it.
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You can share your feelings,
you can share what was effort
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or energizing for you
today, you look in her eye she
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can do some flooding we
will get into this stuff.
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It's like a how to meet
that need that your wife has
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been saying, I
feel like a roommate.
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I feel alone I feel
like you don't love me.
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I feel like you don't want me,
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I'm just not a
part of your life.
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I'm not in your life,
where did the love go.
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And the guys are thinking, wait
a minute I'm working sixty hours
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a week, I'm
providing, I'm loving.
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I just took you on a
date just six days ago.
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Like what are you talking about?
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And so this book helps them
find that peace that they're
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talking about, which I just
need some real connected time.
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And ten minutes
is really enough.
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That makes her feel wonderful
and then things go better.
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So I went through knowing
that he must've picked up
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the book, knowing he
must have looked at that,
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I did not want to
discourage him at all.
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And went through that
with him, not wanting to,
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not in a place where I hadn't
even woke up yet, and at the
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end of the ten
minutes I thought I love you,
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I so love you.
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And it was just the coolest
thing to realize that even
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if I'm not in the place.
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And he's not in
the place by the time.
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You are down ten
minutes, you will love them.
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So, I want you to
really just unfold that for us.
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Because it is an
incredible teaching.
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There are some basic
principles to be successful in
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anything, business, life,
parenting, and also a marriage.
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What this does it
apply some principles.
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And that is we need
emotional intimacy, like I said,
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there's no place
to get that training.
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Where do you go to get training
to identify your feelings?
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Or how to share your heart.
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Women have an
easier time at that.
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Well, they think they do.
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Really.
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Women aren't always there
slightly usually better at
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intimacy than their husbands,
husbands get this book, and
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they become masters they become
black belts, and sometimes
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women look pretty bad.
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Hey, it's like I know what your
feeling what are you feeling?
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How funny is that!
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So is actually
skill-based, and you learn these
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skills like eye
gazing where you look at
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someone's eyes for a minute.
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You can't imagine
how powerful that is.
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You know, I have had couples
who have been married for
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30, 40, 50 years and have
never looked into each other's
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eyes for a minute.
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And Brad and I are not like
our marriage is very good so
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we don't have a bad marriage,
but when he looked at my
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eyes for a minute.
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I started crying because,
you know what I so love being
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connected with you in that way.
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So was a huge thing
to be able to say, Okay.
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everything just stop
for a minute, and let's just
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get connected with each other
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Women love to be beheld.
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They were
totally created for that.
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But anyway, some of the
other exercise like going down
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memory lane, because a lot
times you remember the negative.
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But you don't make an effort
at remembering the positive.
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So that exercise you give
one or two examples of things
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in your past and your
relationship that you really
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enjoyed about each other.
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Or playing the wing and
marriage game, which is a whole
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bunch of questions
kind of like dating game.
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I ask questions and see
if you get the answer right.
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You'll are a lot that way.
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What say some of the
questions, or let's do it
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a different way.
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Let's start out with go
through the different things
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you could choose
cause what you're saying is,
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this is Ten Minutes A Day.
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Ten minutes a day you
can pick any exercise.
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If the menu we're in
a café, there's a menu.
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There's ten exercise,
you pick the three any three
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combinations of those are
about ten minutes together.
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Okay, praying together is
one, sharing two feelings a day.
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I feel blank
when, I first remember
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feeling blank when,
well most people do not know
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how to do their feelings.
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So this is really good stuff.
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Nurturing each other's
saying two things that you
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really love or
appreciate about each other.
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We talked about the eye
gazing, we talked about what
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energized you, what was
effort for you today, what I
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learned today.
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And that can be from
God from myself or from you.
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person down the street, winning
in marriage we talked about that
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on a couple of the other
ones because I have my own
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little
favorites I do personally.
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I love the marriage game.
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Oh yes, that's very much fun.
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If I was going to write you a
love letter what would it say?
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And is just where you speak
a love letter, you say, you
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know how if I was talking to
Lisa I'd say it's writing you
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a love letter I would
first have to say I'm unable to
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write what I see, what I sense,
and who you are, no pen no
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paper could capture that.
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That's what I
would write you today.
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And so as a woman I'm
going, Oh man I love you.
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closeness of the
exercise, it's great.
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I write, so it's
easier for me to do that.
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But you know what's really
interesting to me about that
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is, this is not encouraging
you to put every junk every
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bad thing in the
marriage on the table.
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It's saying get in
touch with the good stuff.
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Even there was one exercise
where you just go back and
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say something about the
first time I remembered feeling
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excited about her,
enthusiastic about something
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It's funny because I thought
the first time remember feeling
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enthusiastic about something
is when I got braces on a
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and that was kind of drag.
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But I learn to skate
on one foot and I could
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do it with a brace.
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My husband looked at
me and he said I love you,
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how cute is that.
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And for him to say that all
of a sudden I realized there
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were something in my memory
I had remembered, now, I shared
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with him, and he saw that
as somehow character thing that
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he loved about me.
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Right, a lot of endearment
happens in this exercise.
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It's huge.
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What happens what you
are doing is it intentionally
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investing in the
intimacy in your relationship.
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Guys understand investment.
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They understand when you're
30, you got a start putting
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money away for when
you're going to be sixty.
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But you want to be
relationally wealthy, not just
00:09:59.95\00:10:01.55
financially wealthy.
00:10:01.59\00:10:03.16
And this is a practical
way to look at it so it doesn't
00:10:03.20\00:10:06.76
feel so ambiguous.
00:10:06.80\00:10:10.18
See Paul talked about
Ephesians where God says
00:10:10.22\00:10:13.33
husbands love your wives
as Christ loves the church,
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Now guys, when you hear
that Scripture, what immediately
00:10:16.20\00:10:18.98
happens for you, oh God, I
hope he's not going to talk
00:10:19.01\00:10:21.76
about that today. Right
00:10:21.79\00:10:24.36
Because that
Scripture has been kind of so
00:10:24.39\00:10:26.18
misused in ways.
00:10:26.21\00:10:27.49
But it often time today
leave out the rest of it.
00:10:27.52\00:10:30.14
And Paul says, what man
doesn't love his own body.
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What man doesn't wash his
body, what man doesn't feed
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his body, and what Paul
said was to be like Christ,
00:10:35.79\00:10:38.62
listen guys, you accept
the daily maintenance of your
00:10:38.65\00:10:41.45
physical body, you
work out, you eat okay.
00:10:41.48\00:10:43.79
We do these things,
you guys took baths today.
00:10:43.83\00:10:46.07
We do this every day, and
we don't take a shower and say
00:10:46.10\00:10:48.66
who thought this dumb
system up, I hate this.
00:10:48.69\00:10:51.07
We don't go to a
restaurant and curse God because
00:10:51.11\00:10:53.45
we have to eat.
00:10:53.49\00:10:54.46
I have to eat, I hate that I
have to eat this is disgusting.
00:10:54.48\00:10:57.29
It takes up all my time.
00:10:57.33\00:10:58.30
You never do that you
accept the maintenance
00:10:58.31\00:10:59.86
of your own body.
00:10:59.90\00:11:00.87
And Paul is saying the
same way that you accept the
00:11:00.88\00:11:02.79
maintenance of your body
without resistance, except the
00:11:02.83\00:11:05.76
maintenance of your woman
and she every day needs to be
00:11:05.80\00:11:09.51
maintained, and you pour
into her every day and then you
00:11:09.55\00:11:12.86
will be like God, who wants
to pour into her every day.
00:11:12.89\00:11:15.93
Who wants to be seen by her
every day, who wants to behold
00:11:15.96\00:11:18.96
her every day.
00:11:18.99\00:11:19.96
You know what I'm saying?
00:11:19.97\00:11:20.94
And then she will
start acting like the church.
00:11:20.95\00:11:22.32
She will think you're great.
00:11:22.35\00:11:23.35
After Brad did this
because I think for him.
00:11:23.38\00:11:27.50
It was so practical, he
knew what to do, and it wasn't
00:11:27.54\00:11:32.27
like he had to come up with
the feeling like, what does she
00:11:32.31\00:11:35.17
want, and it was so clear
to him that after about a week.
00:11:35.20\00:11:38.31
And I don't think about
what I can do for him just to
00:11:38.34\00:11:41.41
bring joy to his life.
00:11:41.45\00:11:43.03
Today I start thinking
about that, what can I do, that
00:11:43.06\00:11:45.03
would just be exciting for him.
00:11:45.07\00:11:47.38
But you know, it is all
of a sudden that love and
00:11:47.42\00:11:51.50
connection is so good.
00:11:51.54\00:11:54.35
And I thought not that I
thought, we have an incredibly
00:11:54.38\00:11:58.10
good relationship.
00:11:58.14\00:11:59.67
Love him we've been together
twenty years and all things,
00:11:59.71\00:12:02.90
but I was surprised how
that Ten Minutes A Day how much
00:12:02.93\00:12:06.09
better it is.
00:12:06.13\00:12:07.76
Lisa and I have been doing
three of those exercises for
00:12:07.79\00:12:12.07
20 to 21 years of our marriage.
00:12:12.10\00:12:14.68
So I'll call her tonight
we'll do our prayer of feelings
00:12:14.71\00:12:18.44
and praises and the
three we like, and will do that
00:12:18.47\00:12:20.58
tonight and tomorrow night.
00:12:20.61\00:12:22.01
So you do the ten minutes
in when you're traveling.
00:12:22.04\00:12:24.58
Oh yeah, I called
her when I was in Norway.
00:12:24.62\00:12:26.85
It cost about a hundred
bucks to do my exercises,
00:12:26.89\00:12:30.58
but it was worth every penny.
00:12:30.61\00:12:31.99
Because it's a discipline.
00:12:32.02\00:12:33.33
God is busy, you
know God is busy, right.
00:12:33.36\00:12:36.76
He's got billions of
people, lots of food to manage
00:12:36.80\00:12:39.25
and that's the whole thing.
00:12:39.28\00:12:40.25
And that's just our
little world, He's got
00:12:40.26\00:12:41.57
a whole galaxy,
hundreds of galaxies He's a
00:12:41.60\00:12:43.62
busy guy, but He
never misses a day with me.
00:12:43.65\00:12:45.60
Any doesn't make an excuse
like I'm sorry son, I'm busy,
00:12:45.63\00:12:48.63
I've got galaxy to run you know.
00:12:48.67\00:12:50.78
there is bomb going off on
the third galaxy now, billions
00:12:50.82\00:12:53.05
of creature are going to
die if I don't show up in the
00:12:53.08\00:12:55.28
and I'll be
with you in a minute.
00:12:55.31\00:12:56.28
He never does that.
00:12:56.29\00:12:57.55
And so as a man, I do
not have an excuse either.
00:12:57.58\00:13:00.36
Do you see what I am saying?
00:13:00.40\00:13:02.42
Exactly, and the investment
into your marriage, and I
00:13:02.45\00:13:06.00
love which are saying about
once guys get this then the
00:13:06.04\00:13:09.38
deficits of women as far as
their emotional connection with
00:13:09.41\00:13:12.72
their husbands
is really apparent.
00:13:12.75\00:13:14.39
the truth is once a
women, see men, I'm going to say
00:13:14.43\00:13:17.34
something you may not
get, but men, men do not
00:13:17.38\00:13:20.01
understand, because of the way
they are made, they think that
00:13:20.05\00:13:22.84
the physical relationship
is well if they have the ripped
00:13:22.87\00:13:25.21
Abs, and the slick hair and
nice shirt, then their women
00:13:25.24\00:13:27.55
is going to be
attracted to them.
00:13:27.58\00:13:28.58
Totally off.
00:13:28.62\00:13:29.73
It really is, how funny.
00:13:29.77\00:13:32.13
Because for us, we
like to package thing and
00:13:32.16\00:13:33.84
that works for us.
00:13:33.87\00:13:34.93
That works for us
but for women, they are
00:13:34.97\00:13:37.34
aroused or enamored by
us by emotional proximity,
00:13:37.37\00:13:41.11
how close am I to your heart.
00:13:41.15\00:13:42.67
Now see most guys do not
know how to get a woman's heart
00:13:42.71\00:13:44.91
closer to them, so they
struggle their whole marriage.
00:13:44.94\00:13:47.87
This ten minute marriage
gets a guy to have his wife's
00:13:47.91\00:13:50.81
heart get closer
to him all the time.
00:13:50.84\00:13:52.30
Well then, she is enamored
by you, and hence there's more
00:13:52.34\00:13:56.01
activity in that area of your
life without all the stress.
00:13:56.04\00:13:59.68
Do you see what I am saying?
00:13:59.72\00:14:00.69
It's like guys if we put
oil in the engine, the engine
00:14:00.70\00:14:03.17
runs smoother oil
engine oil engine.
00:14:03.21\00:14:05.66
Simple concept
OK, and guys get it.
00:14:05.70\00:14:08.09
It is absolutely the
most incredible thing
00:14:08.12\00:14:11.98
I have ever been through.
00:14:12.02\00:14:13.16
Just watching
how simple that was.
00:14:13.20\00:14:15.20
I want to know as you pulled
it together and God unfolded
00:14:15.24\00:14:20.45
this teaching for
you, what kind of things
00:14:20.49\00:14:23.44
do you see in couples.
00:14:23.47\00:14:25.60
I'm just saying as it
unfolds it must be huge.
00:14:25.64\00:14:28.60
Yes Will there's a ten
minute exercise, and that is the
00:14:28.63\00:14:30.26
core of a relationship.
00:14:30.30\00:14:31.78
That's the intimacy but
then when he cover other things
00:14:31.81\00:14:33.55
like the government of
your marriage, we cover dating,
00:14:33.59\00:14:35.29
the physical relationship.
00:14:35.33\00:14:37.18
And we cover internally
and externally a motivated
00:14:37.22\00:14:39.50
understand how your
spouse is motivated.
00:14:39.54\00:14:41.88
So there is other
things in the book that helps
00:14:41.92\00:14:43.21
kind of surround that core.
00:14:43.24\00:14:44.90
Do you
understand what I'm saying?
00:14:44.93\00:14:45.90
It's like working your
core muscles to strengthen you
00:14:45.91\00:14:48.38
but you still have
to do some bicep work.
00:14:48.42\00:14:50.04
So there's other
parts that needs.
00:14:50.07\00:14:52.13
So, what other
kind of bicep work.
00:14:52.17\00:14:54.16
Let's talk about government,
you know, when I asked the
00:14:54.20\00:14:57.44
question in the book,
what government Art thou.
00:14:57.48\00:14:59.17
When I ask it in oh, if I
say okay, what government are
00:14:59.21\00:15:01.51
you what government are,
you guys aren't ready yet.
00:15:01.55\00:15:03.78
and so they look at me like well
what do you mean government?
00:15:03.81\00:15:07.19
Well, how do you make decisions?
00:15:07.22\00:15:08.48
Are you monarchy, where
one person controls the other
00:15:08.51\00:15:10.98
person, are you in this
kind of relationship, are you a
00:15:11.01\00:15:14.07
theocracy, which then Got
controls both of your tells you
00:15:14.10\00:15:17.12
what to do and you
try to work that out.
00:15:17.15\00:15:18.39
But of course you hear God
differently, which makes it fun.
00:15:18.42\00:15:21.09
And then are you a democracy
where you vote on everything
00:15:21.13\00:15:24.60
or corporation were she gets
XYZ, he gets a ABC, and then on
00:15:24.63\00:15:28.45
the big, whatever in the
middle we vote on that together.
00:15:28.48\00:15:32.26
and might even have a
third person on the board,
00:15:32.30\00:15:34.22
so how do you
actually govern yourselves.
00:15:34.25\00:15:35.99
And just getting that
visual, just getting that sense.
00:15:36.02\00:15:39.11
Just putting it on paper.
00:15:39.15\00:15:40.21
It is actually a
place in the book.
00:15:40.24\00:15:41.21
I like to put things in the
book is a place the book were
00:15:41.22\00:15:43.51
you sign off on
what government you are.
00:15:43.54\00:15:44.96
You do make people work.
00:15:44.99\00:15:47.16
Once you decide that
because as a counselor, if you
00:15:47.19\00:15:49.64
haven't decided how you
decide, how can I help you?
00:15:49.68\00:15:52.05
Like suppose, Teresa and
Ishmael suppose it's a monarchy
00:15:52.09\00:15:58.32
and she's the Monarch.
00:15:58.35\00:15:59.32
As a counselor I'm
thinking their a democracy.
00:15:59.33\00:16:02.49
Well I can't help if
you're really a monarch
00:16:02.53\00:16:04.45
and she's a monarch, I
just have to talk to her.
00:16:04.48\00:16:06.52
You can go home, do
you see what I'm saying?
00:16:06.55\00:16:08.51
But now Jim and Mary
maybe there are a democracy.
00:16:08.55\00:16:10.94
So now we got a walk
through the counseling process a
00:16:10.97\00:16:13.33
little bit different.
00:16:13.36\00:16:14.33
So, you are saying, literally
look at this and decide what
00:16:14.34\00:16:19.44
kind of
government we're going to be.
00:16:19.47\00:16:20.44
A lot people choose corporation
were the kind of divide
00:16:20.45\00:16:23.83
and conquer kind of stuff.
00:16:23.87\00:16:25.38
But then, in a corporation.
00:16:25.42\00:16:26.86
It's different then
democracy, like suppose you and
00:16:26.90\00:16:29.79
your husband were corporation
and he had the gardening.
00:16:29.83\00:16:32.90
He had a garden and liked
to do that, then he says to you
00:16:32.94\00:16:35.36
Hey honey I'm planting
tomatoes, you say no, I think
00:16:35.40\00:16:37.75
you should plant corn, well see
He's a corporation so he's not
00:16:37.79\00:16:41.23
really asking to obey
you, he's just consulting you.
00:16:41.27\00:16:43.90
A whole different
thing. A whole different thing.
00:16:43.93\00:16:46.53
Because he can go
plant whatever he wants
00:16:46.57\00:16:47.93
and you can't say
your rebellious because he
00:16:47.96\00:16:49.25
he doesn't really,
that's his realm of authority.
00:16:49.29\00:16:52.06
Where if you are a democracy,
you can fight about corn and
00:16:52.10\00:16:55.34
tomatoes to the point of
where you can plant neither
00:16:55.38\00:16:56.77
because it's winter.
00:16:56.81\00:16:57.84
You see what I am
saying? - Exactly!
00:16:57.88\00:17:01.39
Once you define that
structure in your marriage,
00:17:01.42\00:17:03.59
then you can really
make intelligent decisions.
00:17:03.62\00:17:05.21
And you don't have
to fight near as much.
00:17:05.25\00:17:06.70
There's another support
thing that we have the book
00:17:06.74\00:17:09.36
called the Ten Minute Argument.
00:17:09.40\00:17:10.60
You can make your
arguments ten minutes long.
00:17:10.63\00:17:13.83
It's a simple process
00:17:13.86\00:17:15.50
It's not bleeding into every
other area of your marriage.
00:17:15.54\00:17:17.92
No! But there is actually
a simple method, which is
00:17:17.96\00:17:21.17
ten minutes and you
identify the problem.
00:17:21.20\00:17:22.93
And then on piece of paper.
00:17:22.97\00:17:24.29
You both identify how you
feel about it, going back to
00:17:24.32\00:17:27.15
feelings because a lot of
arguments are feelings, I'm
00:17:27.18\00:17:29.62
feeling rejected, I'm
feeling disrespected, so we are
00:17:29.66\00:17:32.10
going to argue see, write
down your feelings, then you
00:17:32.14\00:17:34.79
both write down solutions
that you think would work.
00:17:34.82\00:17:37.23
Suppose the problem was
who takes out the garbage.
00:17:37.26\00:17:39.36
He does, she does, the
kids does, no one does,
00:17:39.39\00:17:41.45
and maid does whatever.
00:17:41.48\00:17:42.49
Write down all your solutions
put them together you vote on
00:17:42.53\00:17:45.11
them from one to ten.
00:17:45.14\00:17:46.25
1 being I don't like it,
and 10 I really like it, the
00:17:46.29\00:17:48.06
highest number
wins, you're done.
00:17:48.09\00:17:50.04
And you are done.
00:17:50.07\00:17:52.30
You write out what you
decided, and you'd done,
00:17:52.33\00:17:54.71
The highest number
wins. The highest number wins.
00:17:54.75\00:17:57.05
And that's real practical, it's
down on paper, this is what-
00:17:57.09\00:18:00.70
And then there's actually
a journal in that you can put
00:18:00.74\00:18:02.47
it in. Okay, we
decided on January, of 0 blank.
00:18:02.51\00:18:05.34
This was our decision,
and then you go back and
00:18:05.37\00:18:08.17
look at a later.
00:18:08.21\00:18:09.26
Look, here... We've
had this argument before.
00:18:09.30\00:18:11.44
And so this is
what we decided so.
00:18:11.47\00:18:13.54
Do we do to again or do
we stick with the last one.
00:18:13.57\00:18:16.51
You know, what's really
incredible to me is that even
00:18:16.54\00:18:19.12
in doing that even in
learning those skills and
00:18:19.16\00:18:22.75
developing that, which
is such a gift is that I am
00:18:22.78\00:18:26.58
moving into a relationship
with you that we are
00:18:26.62\00:18:30.38
on the same page.
00:18:30.42\00:18:32.13
Like was really hard.
00:18:32.17\00:18:33.81
I think in a lot of
marriages is that I am operating
00:18:33.85\00:18:36.97
here are and
you're operating here.
00:18:37.00\00:18:39.18
You may think this.
00:18:39.21\00:18:40.23
I'm operating as a corporation
your operating as a -
00:18:40.26\00:18:44.16
and we never talk about
we never look at it as it is.
00:18:44.19\00:18:47.13
This is how my parents
operated and this is how his
00:18:47.16\00:18:50.06
parents operated.
00:18:50.10\00:18:51.15
Most men, think they are
monarchs, and most women think
00:18:51.19\00:18:52.22
they are in a democracy.
00:18:52.25\00:18:53.45
Exactly.
00:18:53.49\00:18:54.46
So that is where a lot
of the confusion comes from.
00:18:54.47\00:18:56.33
Because as a man you are
thinking she should just obey
00:18:56.37\00:18:58.27
me because I'm a man.
00:18:58.31\00:18:59.41
As a woman we're like.
00:18:59.45\00:19:00.48
Of course were like, God
said, there's no male or female
00:19:00.52\00:19:03.15
in Christ so Jesus
kind of nails that one.
00:19:03.18\00:19:05.61
So then how do we
operate, so once you agree on a
00:19:05.65\00:19:08.33
government you are able
to operate functionally.
00:19:08.36\00:19:11.01
And once you
agree on how to argue.
00:19:11.05\00:19:12.61
You can have an
argument in a couple minutes.
00:19:12.65\00:19:14.42
What happens to a person
that says, to a woman says,
00:19:14.45\00:19:18.77
or to a man that says,
but I feel like I'm going to
00:19:18.80\00:19:23.49
lose my ability or power
in this relationship, because
00:19:23.53\00:19:28.19
what I'm thinking
for a lot of guys.
00:19:28.22\00:19:30.42
I didn't see it with Brad and
I as we developed our intimacy.
00:19:30.45\00:19:33.80
But for a lot of people
that I work with, they think
00:19:33.84\00:19:37.04
will she respect me, will
she loved me, will he listen
00:19:37.07\00:19:40.24
to me, or whatever
what would you say to them?.
00:19:40.27\00:19:43.20
You have to first to
agree on what structure you
00:19:43.23\00:19:46.13
are going to operate from.
00:19:46.16\00:19:47.25
What's your key is that a
lot of people assume they know
00:19:47.28\00:19:50.26
what the government is
and they never talk about it.
00:19:50.30\00:19:53.99
So, they are constantly
swirling around, and they
00:19:54.03\00:19:56.73
haven't even figured
out a structure to get that
00:19:56.76\00:19:59.43
basic thing done.
00:19:59.46\00:20:00.47
So, you are not even
saying when you put it down.
00:20:00.51\00:20:03.07
Is that one structure
and is better than another.
00:20:03.11\00:20:05.52
God's used every structure.
00:20:05.56\00:20:07.45
He's used monarchy
throughout time, He's
00:20:07.49\00:20:10.70
used the theocracy, for a
very short time with Israel.
00:20:10.74\00:20:13.86
He uses democracy all
around the world, and He uses
00:20:13.90\00:20:16.99
cooperation's
all around the world.
00:20:17.03\00:20:18.22
He's not afraid of this,
see He is in a government.
00:20:18.25\00:20:21.53
The very first government
was before time and will be
00:20:21.57\00:20:24.78
after time, it's the government
of three equal inter-related
00:20:24.82\00:20:28.17
beings who honor each
other and serve one another.
00:20:28.20\00:20:30.77
And marriages to
reflect eternity.
00:20:30.80\00:20:34.70
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:20:34.74\00:20:36.15
So you have this interdependent
different personalities
00:20:36.19\00:20:39.84
resources, different giftings,
who honor each other, now
00:20:39.88\00:20:43.52
the honoring can serve one
another in a equilateral way.
00:20:43.56\00:20:47.16
Does that make sense?
00:20:47.20\00:20:48.19
Most people in the flesh
want to control each other and
00:20:48.23\00:20:52.99
that is where
you get into trouble.
00:20:53.03\00:20:54.34
And you also lose the ability
to be really be intimate and
00:20:54.37\00:20:58.76
have a love
relationship with that person
00:20:58.80\00:21:00.93
you are trying to control.
00:21:00.96\00:21:01.93
And the freeing thing, what
is really interesting to me,
00:21:01.94\00:21:04.89
the more that we learn
skills as far as marriage.
00:21:04.92\00:21:08.56
Brad and I, the more
we it is such a blast to
00:21:08.60\00:21:12.17
so be in love somebody and
know that everybody is being
00:21:12.20\00:21:17.30
heard, being safe, and
all that kind of stuff.
00:21:17.34\00:21:18.82
getting on the same page
it's such an incredible gift.
00:21:18.86\00:21:22.56
But it takes skills to do that.
00:21:22.59\00:21:24.26
It takes skills, but not.
00:21:24.29\00:21:25.86
Most feeling skills and
most people don't have that to
00:21:25.90\00:21:27.85
even be heard,
because how can you hear me
00:21:27.88\00:21:29.76
if I'm emotionally constipated?
00:21:29.79\00:21:31.58
And I'm like, I got
like slam the doors.
00:21:31.62\00:21:35.53
Just to get you to get my
attention, like I'm having
00:21:35.57\00:21:38.23
pain so I'll slam doors.
00:21:38.26\00:21:39.30
I'm acting like twelve, and
you know, I'm not, so you have
00:21:39.34\00:21:42.70
to get the skills to be able
have that kind of relationship
00:21:42.73\00:21:46.06
where you can
communicate your heart.
00:21:46.10\00:21:47.36
Okay, so go on to another
skill, so government is one.
00:21:47.39\00:21:51.21
The government is one.
00:21:51.25\00:21:52.22
The argument is one.
The ten minute argument-
00:21:52.23\00:21:55.72
You see, you use your
resources to solve the problem,
00:21:55.76\00:21:59.23
instead of attacking each other.
00:21:59.27\00:22:00.29
Because most couples use
their resources to attack each
00:22:00.33\00:22:02.66
other to solve the problem.
00:22:02.69\00:22:04.35
As oppose to using both
resources to solve a problem.
00:22:04.38\00:22:07.29
Do you see what I'm saying?
00:22:07.33\00:22:09.45
The ten men at argument
takes both their resources
00:22:09.48\00:22:11.26
and aims it at the problem.
00:22:11.30\00:22:12.34
And it really takes you away
from this win, lose kind of.
00:22:12.38\00:22:15.39
You can't even bring up history.
00:22:15.43\00:22:17.09
Cause your solving a problem
here's your solution to the
00:22:17.12\00:22:22.16
problem so what is your mom.
00:22:22.19\00:22:24.63
the way she treats your dad
had to do with who takes out
00:22:24.67\00:22:26.48
the garbage, nothing does
mean go on the piece of paper.
00:22:26.52\00:22:28.29
That's way cool.
00:22:28.33\00:22:30.16
But you should just argue
to just keep you skills up.
00:22:30.19\00:22:34.42
I mean this really helps
you to get the problem solved.
00:22:34.46\00:22:38.18
So if you are going to fight
just to fight, you just have
00:22:38.22\00:22:41.91
to know we're just
going to fight, we're putting
00:22:41.95\00:22:44.19
the book away, let's go fight.
00:22:44.22\00:22:46.26
Let's bludgeon
each other just for fun.
00:22:46.30\00:22:49.01
But in Christ, that's
not the way Christ relates.
00:22:49.05\00:22:52.56
He wants to hear and He wants to
get to solutions, He really does
00:22:52.59\00:22:56.26
One of the other things
we talk about is dating.
00:22:56.30\00:22:58.17
I remember I was doing a
counseling session, and the guy
00:22:58.21\00:23:02.52
looked at me dating who.
00:23:02.56\00:23:04.31
Dating your wife,
that's what I'm talking about.
00:23:04.34\00:23:07.01
I mean, I married Lisa
to have a permanent date.
00:23:07.05\00:23:09.65
So planning your dates and
rotating dates back and forth
00:23:09.69\00:23:13.81
for say one week.
00:23:13.85\00:23:14.82
It's Jim's day he decides
where to go and what we do.
00:23:14.83\00:23:17.15
We're out for Jim
to have a good time.
00:23:17.18\00:23:18.37
He's not trying to make
Mary happy, it's his date
00:23:18.40\00:23:20.05
and Mary is the guest.
00:23:20.08\00:23:21.06
The next time it's Mary's
date, Mary decides one hundred
00:23:21.09\00:23:24.01
percent, where she wants to go.
00:23:24.04\00:23:25.03
So she wants to
take him to play checkers
00:23:25.06\00:23:27.25
at a coffee shop.
00:23:27.28\00:23:28.25
That is what they are
going to do, and she's going
00:23:28.26\00:23:29.58
have good time and he's
going to be a happy camper.
00:23:29.61\00:23:31.03
You just rotated
back-and-forth to get the
00:23:31.06\00:23:33.57
date thing done.
00:23:33.60\00:23:34.90
Does that make sense.
00:23:34.94\00:23:36.29
So it's a fun thing.
00:23:36.32\00:23:37.61
And I think that I read a book,
I think it was John Eldridge
00:23:37.64\00:23:43.52
when he was doing
the wild at heart thing.
00:23:43.55\00:23:45.23
and it says were a guy says.
00:23:45.26\00:23:46.32
I'm going to rescue the
damsel in distress, and once I
00:23:46.36\00:23:48.91
rescue her and she's safe
I'm putting her over here.
00:23:48.94\00:23:51.46
And for a lot of marriages.
00:23:51.50\00:23:53.59
It's like for guys, you
know she say she's rescued.
00:23:53.63\00:23:56.47
She is my wife I
love her, and it's done.
00:23:56.51\00:23:59.37
Now I can go on with my life.
00:23:59.40\00:24:00.72
Not realizing that we
need that interaction of a
00:24:00.76\00:24:04.01
every day for a wife
or a husband and the date.
00:24:04.05\00:24:06.98
Not dating everyday
just that interaction every
00:24:07.01\00:24:10.59
day be logged and
taken out and all that stuff.
00:24:10.63\00:24:14.14
Will's good for everybody
to want to because we didn't
00:24:14.17\00:24:15.91
marry each other to have
mortgage payments, car payments,
00:24:15.95\00:24:17.66
manage kids, that's
not why we got married, we
00:24:17.69\00:24:20.21
got married because we looked
at that person and said WOW
00:24:20.25\00:24:22.21
I want to watch
life, together with you.
00:24:22.24\00:24:25.84
That's what I
want to now to do that.
00:24:25.88\00:24:29.40
We've got a manage all these
kids and mortgages and cars
00:24:29.44\00:24:32.09
and stuff like that but that
is not why I walked down the
00:24:32.12\00:24:34.74
aisle one I had no money.
00:24:34.77\00:24:35.79
You know what I'm saying
I didn't have much to offer,
00:24:35.83\00:24:38.78
but she thought I was
the most amazing person in
00:24:38.82\00:24:41.14
the world, and her love
for me, my love for her,
00:24:41.17\00:24:43.46
that is why we got married.
00:24:43.49\00:24:45.03
So keeping that love warm
is really important and dating
00:24:45.06\00:24:49.02
reminds you that you are
more than mommy and daddy, it
00:24:49.06\00:24:52.99
reminds you that you
are more than a taxpayers.
00:24:53.02\00:24:54.60
We are going to go on a
break, and we're going to come
00:24:54.64\00:24:56.52
back and ask
questions of the folks that come
00:24:56.56\00:24:59.24
to the café today.
00:24:59.28\00:25:00.25
But I want to ask you before
we go out on the break, Is
00:25:00.26\00:25:03.89
that I look around and a
lot of couples are really stuck
00:25:03.92\00:25:07.80
with having lost that joy
that they have for each other.
00:25:07.84\00:25:11.69
That brought them to
the altar, and my take on it
00:25:11.72\00:25:15.63
especially as a Christian
is that the world wants a
00:25:15.67\00:25:19.50
successful relationship
the world wants us to be almost
00:25:19.53\00:25:22.33
like in love with each other
and all that kind of stuff.
00:25:22.36\00:25:25.95
And it's like it's a couple,
it is so important to get this.
00:25:25.98\00:25:29.53
It's so important to get this.
00:25:29.57\00:25:30.81
People should fall out of
discipline before they fall
00:25:30.84\00:25:33.35
out of love, see the same
disciplines that got you to want
00:25:33.38\00:25:35.81
to be married, quality
time, sharing my heart,
00:25:35.84\00:25:37.94
sharing my dreams.
00:25:37.97\00:25:39.00
When you got married, most of us
didn't have any money to share
00:25:39.03\00:25:41.81
so we shared our
dreams and prayed together
00:25:41.84\00:25:45.43
and we are close.
00:25:45.46\00:25:47.99
And so all those disciplines
were happening, but you weren't
00:25:48.02\00:25:50.36
aware they were disciplines.
00:25:50.39\00:25:51.39
It's kind of like if
you're playing basketball,
00:25:51.42\00:25:52.99
you don't know that you
are getting an aerobic workout.
00:25:53.02\00:25:54.57
Right exactly.
00:25:54.61\00:25:55.58
Do you see what I'm saying?
00:25:55.59\00:25:56.56
And so you're doing all
this discipline, but you don't
00:25:56.57\00:25:58.06
realize and then you
get married and you stop the
00:25:58.09\00:26:00.02
disciplines and you fall
quote unquote out of love.
00:26:00.06\00:26:01.92
I have never met a couple that
fell out of love, that didn't
00:26:01.95\00:26:04.06
fall out of discipline and
least a year or two before.
00:26:04.09\00:26:07.03
So, we are going to come
back, ask some questions, and
00:26:07.07\00:26:10.00
really go over those things
that you have talked about
00:26:10.04\00:26:12.94
in this segment.
00:26:12.97\00:26:13.94
Stay with us, and if you would
like to get a pen and write
00:26:13.95\00:26:17.23
some of this stuff down is
that because such good stuff
00:26:17.26\00:26:20.64
and try Ten Minutes A
Day you will be so surprised.
00:26:20.67\00:26:24.01
It is amazing!
We'll be right back!
00:26:24.05\00:26:25.96