The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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You know, we're
talking about angels
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and God reaching into
a spiritual realm that
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sometimes we forget exist.
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You know, we
don't even remember,
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you know, where
we are sometimes.
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But I want to say,
I was at an airport,
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before I introduce you to Nico,
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I'm at a airport
and this woman comes up
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and she's crazy,
I mean she is crazy,
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she is screaming and yelling
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and she looks right
at me and she said "You!
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You know what,
I can see angels,"
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and everybody in the
airport now is looking at me,
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because she's loud, right.
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And she said, "You
have the biggest angel
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I have ever seen around you."
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And at that
moment I thought man,
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I hope she's not crazy.
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I hope this is true.
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And so, when I
introduce you to Nico,
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I wanted to say, I
am so glad you're here.
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Thank you.
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But you know when
I'm talking about that
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whole spiritual
realm, the unseen forces
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when you're
pulled from the abyss,
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is that actual, will
you actually pull them,
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can you talk about that a bit?
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Yes, I can, and before I do,
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Cheri, I just
wanted to tell you,
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that in my three
years of ministry,
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five and a half
years of sobriety,
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three years in ministry
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that one of the first programs
I watched was your program.
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And it really spoke to me,
so I wanna all your viewers,
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and all your
partners, and all your listeners
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to understand that
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it works and not because of man,
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but because of
the Holy Spirit...
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Amen.
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That goes before
you and speaks to you,
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so I just wanted
to let you know that.
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Thank you for that.
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'Cause, you know, you
speak to something really,
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really deep in me
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that I can't do this
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if it's not making a difference,
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it has to mean something.
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So thank you for
that. That was a gift.
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Validation and confirmation
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from the governments to have in.
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All right. All right.
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So who are you?
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Well, basically, you know,
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just to let you know
to paint the pictures
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of the handprint of God
on my life and of the enemy.
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I grew up in a home.
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My father is and was
a Seventh-day Adventist.
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To give you a little
genealogy of what happened.
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My mother was a praying woman.
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She was though into witchcraft,
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into numerology, into astrology.
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She read Ouija boards.
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At the same time,
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she would
always watch our power.
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My father Seventh-day Adventist,
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worked for Loma Linda Foods,
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and average
Seventh-day Adventist
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was battling demons.
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We're gonna talk
about the chains,
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Cheri, the chains.
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Even, generationally you just
talk about people carry stuff,
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they don't even know,
how much they're carrying.
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The generational
curses that are put on us.
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You know, God knew us
before the foundations of time,
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and there's babies
being born addicted,
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and I understand that
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this generational curses,
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we have to stand in that gap,
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and we have to be
willing to stand up,
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and say okay,
god, I ran from you,
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now I'm gonna run to
you, I am gonna run to you.
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So my father will
take us to church,
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but I was a beat just about
everyday that I can remember
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and I mean beat
to a point to where
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you would go to prison,
and you would go to jail.
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But...
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So, wait, wait,
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so you are saying
that if somebody knew
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what was happening in your home,
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more than likely your dad
would have went to prison.
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Oh, yeah for
sure, without a doubt,
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I had to wear long
pants just to go to school,
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and you know long
sleeves to cover the bruises
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and what else, just, you know,
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just that physical damage
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but it's not
the physical damage.
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Really, when you're a child
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you blame
yourself automatically,
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so I would sit in a
room, and blame myself
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what did I do wrong?
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My mother, she was a screamer.
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She would scream,
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so you had these
violent arguments.
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I never saw him
lay his hand on her,
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he would take it on me.
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I was the punching, the board,
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you know, I was
the one he would go to.
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So I remember in
particular one evening,
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they were fighting
and it was getting loud,
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and I don't know, I
am sure that you know,
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your viewers can understand
that when you're child,
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you just put the
covers over your head,
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want to go
away, want to go away.
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And I was hearing
about God and singing this,
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" Love me, Jesus
loves me this I know..."
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In church
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In church and getting beat,
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and getting beat,
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so I thought to myself
where is God, who is God?
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Is He gonna allow me
to get beat like this.
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Man, you need to stop this,
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but I didn't
know where to turn to,
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I didn't know who to ask,
and my mother walked in there,
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and I guess,
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she had hit him over
the head with a pool stick
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and he was
bleeding, she was bleeding.
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She would always
run to me and tell me
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this is what happened
and your father is this
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and your father is
that and my father will say,
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"Your mom's crazy, you know,
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I am gonna get a
gun and blow my head up,
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I am out of here."
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So this was the dialogue
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that was going
on in my household.
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Nico, I would like you
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to just kind of paint
that picture a little bit more,
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I see blood everywhere,
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I see guns, I see people crazy,
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but when they're
telling you that.
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How old were you?
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Whether you're
man or you're a boy?
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No, no, no
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I was a seven and
half, eight years old.
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And my mom came to the room
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and I had the
blanket over my head
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and she said to me,
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"Did you hear
what your father said?
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Did you
understand what was going on?
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Do you know how
violent this is getting?
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Do you
understand how sick this is?
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You know, he even
wants to go get a gun
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and blow his head off.
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He is trying to commit suicide.
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What you gonna do about that?"
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I mean, and I took
the covers off of my head,
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and I looked at her,
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just like I am
looking you, I said,
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"Life is a game,
winners and losers,
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preaches and boozers
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if you ask me, it's all the same
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and no one gives nothing,
you must try and try again,
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even though it's
often to the better end.
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Is there a moral to the story?
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You mean after all this,
can't you just fill the glory?
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Is there a silver
lining around that cloud
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or do we go through
our life, our heads bowed,
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our dreams they stay inside,
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the people with the
power keeping our hands tight."
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And my mom looked at
me, and she said, "What?"
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I'm thinking that
too so in your stress,
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and your craziness
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that you literally
are working at out through
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what you write or
those kinds of things,
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so you...
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that was in your head.
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It's very hard to understand,
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but that was
the first validation
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that the Holy
Spirit was reaching me,
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consoling me and
telling me a story,
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in other words, so I
can relate to grown ups...
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Right.
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I can relate to
the situation at hand,
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at the same time she said,
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"Where did you write that?
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Where did you copy that?
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How did you say that?"
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And then finally
she didn't say anything
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and she just turned
and walked out of the room.
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But all that
violence was quiet after that.
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Everybody was stunned.
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Everybody was...
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Well, just my mom
and I was in the room.
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But, yeah, she was stunned
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and I didn't know
where it came from,
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I didn't know
who the author was.
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But it's gonna make sense
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when we talk later
on about the journey.
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So things continued.
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Yes.
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They get crazier. Yes.
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You know, and I
like that the fact
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that you're going back
there 'cause somebody said,
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"How could you be in a cage
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and beat
someone almost to death,
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and walk out and
not think about it."
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I mean you
learned from very young.
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You picture this,
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now I am going
back to my father...
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Yeah.
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12 years old, 13 years old,
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I found this out
later on in life.
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He walks into an apartment,
00:07:48.93\00:07:51.87
and he witnesses his uncle
blow his mother's head off,
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which would be my grandmother.
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Then turn around,
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look at my dad
and blow his head off.
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I can't even imagine.
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Those demonic spirits,
00:08:05.08\00:08:06.72
those chains of bondage,
00:08:06.75\00:08:10.65
and those chains of oppression
that are placed upon us.
00:08:10.69\00:08:14.59
There is malicious
intent by the enemy
00:08:14.62\00:08:16.96
and those are
those generational curses
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and they just
perpetuate and perpetuate.
00:08:19.69\00:08:21.96
So that was the role
00:08:22.00\00:08:23.33
that I was on much like
the demoniac in Galileans...
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So, I got to say there
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'cause for a lot of
people that concept is so crazy.
00:08:28.30\00:08:32.77
When you watch a
thread in a family,
00:08:32.81\00:08:35.48
and you watch
violence or you watch anger
00:08:35.51\00:08:37.78
or you watch that kind of rage.
00:08:37.81\00:08:39.88
And you can trace
it back, the enemy,
00:08:39.91\00:08:43.28
like you said strategically
set you up even from birth.
00:08:43.32\00:08:46.96
Yes, because he knows that
God has a plan, and a purpose.
00:08:46.99\00:08:52.36
He knew us before the
foundations of time...
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For each one of us...
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He knows that,
for each one of us.
00:08:55.40\00:08:56.80
We're all overcome
by the blood of the Lamb
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and word of our testimony.
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There is no blood of the lamb,
00:09:00.10\00:09:01.44
there is no word
of our testimony,
00:09:01.47\00:09:02.80
what is it worth?
00:09:02.84\00:09:04.17
Right.
00:09:04.21\00:09:05.54
But we don't know
that at that time.
00:09:05.57\00:09:06.91
We just think
we're in a situation.
00:09:06.94\00:09:08.28
There is
violence, there is abuse.
00:09:08.31\00:09:09.64
Everybody is used
to getting divorced,
00:09:09.68\00:09:11.01
calling it quits, tapping out,
00:09:11.05\00:09:12.48
throwing in towel,
and that oppression,
00:09:12.51\00:09:14.92
those generational curses,
00:09:14.95\00:09:17.99
that demonic oppression,
00:09:18.02\00:09:20.56
spiritual solitary confinement
00:09:20.59\00:09:22.19
to where those
voices of the enemy
00:09:22.22\00:09:25.09
get louder and louder.
00:09:25.13\00:09:27.26
And I was just starting to
see the very beginnings of that.
00:09:27.30\00:09:31.03
And understand
that there is the belief
00:09:31.07\00:09:34.04
that Seventh-day
Adventist is the belief,
00:09:34.07\00:09:35.57
if somebody believes in God,
00:09:35.60\00:09:36.94
trying to live their
life as a good Christian,
00:09:36.97\00:09:39.74
but is beating, and stealing,
00:09:39.77\00:09:42.84
and cheating, and
lying, and drinking.
00:09:42.88\00:09:45.01
But let me just go
back to where you said,
00:09:45.05\00:09:47.08
that unseen world
or the enemy is that,
00:09:47.12\00:09:50.65
when you hold on to
Christianity on one hand
00:09:50.69\00:09:53.79
and your rage in another
or your addictions in another.
00:09:53.82\00:09:57.36
The shame that wells up
and you just causes more rage,
00:09:57.39\00:10:01.36
more anger, more acting out.
00:10:01.40\00:10:02.76
So you're
threatening suicide. Right.
00:10:02.80\00:10:04.13
So now you're
threatening in suicide
00:10:04.17\00:10:05.50
and you're beating your
kids and all that kind of stuff.
00:10:05.53\00:10:07.60
There is no way that the enemy
00:10:07.64\00:10:08.97
will let you hold
down to those two things,
00:10:09.00\00:10:11.01
and I really believe
that I love the way you that
00:10:11.04\00:10:14.51
you said is that in our home
even the enemy was screaming,
00:10:14.54\00:10:19.65
is screaming that none of you...
00:10:19.68\00:10:21.65
But the door was
open. The door was open.
00:10:21.68\00:10:23.02
Yeah.
00:10:23.05\00:10:24.39
The door was open
00:10:24.42\00:10:25.92
and at the same
time you mention that,
00:10:25.95\00:10:29.26
you know, there was many times
00:10:29.29\00:10:31.36
where I had to talk to my father
00:10:31.39\00:10:32.79
out of blowing his
brains out, he would have a gun,
00:10:32.83\00:10:36.06
and he would have a
conversation with me,
00:10:36.10\00:10:37.63
a rational conversation...
00:10:37.67\00:10:39.00
As he is holding the gun.
00:10:39.03\00:10:40.37
Yeah, and matter of
fact there was one time
00:10:40.40\00:10:41.80
I walked into the garage,
00:10:41.84\00:10:43.17
they just had a
fight and argument.
00:10:43.20\00:10:44.91
He was cheating
on her all the time.
00:10:44.94\00:10:46.81
And she was taking all
kind of prescription drugs.
00:10:46.84\00:10:49.44
My brother was born addicted
to the prescription drugs
00:10:49.48\00:10:53.38
and had several operations,
00:10:53.42\00:10:55.18
as he was six years my younger.
00:10:55.22\00:10:57.92
He was kicked under the carpet
00:10:57.95\00:10:59.99
and I was the one that was
everything was going to go to,
00:11:00.02\00:11:03.36
you know, whatever my mom
00:11:03.39\00:11:04.73
and my father are coming to me,
00:11:04.76\00:11:06.09
she was gonna
be telling me about
00:11:06.13\00:11:07.83
what was going
on in the situation
00:11:07.86\00:11:09.66
and you're not a child,
you never had that opportunity.
00:11:09.70\00:11:12.27
You know what that's like,
00:11:12.30\00:11:13.64
you don't grow up as
adolescent having a child.
00:11:13.67\00:11:16.14
I don't know what
that feels like...
00:11:16.17\00:11:17.51
You didn't know
what that feels like.
00:11:17.54\00:11:18.87
No, you're immediately
thrown into the adult world,
00:11:18.91\00:11:20.78
and you have no
business being there...
00:11:20.81\00:11:22.14
Right.
00:11:22.18\00:11:23.51
And the enemy
knows that... Right.
00:11:23.55\00:11:24.88
So he uses every
little thing and you know,
00:11:24.91\00:11:27.02
I think that you
can't serve two masters,
00:11:27.05\00:11:28.82
you gonna love one
and hate the other.
00:11:28.85\00:11:30.95
But we'll serve, we
were saved to serve,
00:11:30.99\00:11:33.36
we were born to serve,
00:11:33.39\00:11:34.89
that's exactly what
we're here to do is to serve,
00:11:34.92\00:11:37.09
to be a servant,
00:11:37.13\00:11:38.46
a willing humble
obedient servant.
00:11:38.49\00:11:39.83
And that's an
incredible thing to say
00:11:39.86\00:11:41.20
'cause what you're
saying is in my anger
00:11:41.23\00:11:42.86
and my rage, and
in that craziness,
00:11:42.90\00:11:44.37
I looked up and the
one who was standing there
00:11:44.40\00:11:46.63
waiting for me to serve
him was the devil himself.
00:11:46.67\00:11:49.34
This is exactly right,
00:11:49.37\00:11:50.74
and I say that with all honesty,
00:11:50.77\00:11:53.58
just to be candid
because it's important
00:11:53.61\00:11:55.94
to cut cuts deep...
00:11:55.98\00:11:57.31
Yeah.
00:11:57.35\00:11:58.68
The scars are deep.
00:11:58.71\00:12:00.78
The wounds are there until
00:12:00.82\00:12:03.18
we are covered by
the blood of Jesus.
00:12:03.22\00:12:05.02
So, you go from this
little seven, eight year old,
00:12:05.05\00:12:09.02
that has to start figuring out,
00:12:09.06\00:12:11.09
how am I going to
make everyone survive.
00:12:11.13\00:12:13.60
How am I gonna
keep this all together.
00:12:13.63\00:12:15.83
And I am sure that
your father's rage,
00:12:15.86\00:12:18.23
your uncle's rage,
your grandfather's rage
00:12:18.27\00:12:20.77
just went right
into your hands, here...
00:12:20.80\00:12:22.90
I never obviously met my uncle
because he committed suicide.
00:12:22.94\00:12:25.97
My grandmother
was murdered by him
00:12:26.01\00:12:28.18
so I never met her either.
00:12:28.21\00:12:29.74
My father picked up
friends along the way
00:12:29.78\00:12:32.81
and would see something
good about them or vice versa.
00:12:32.85\00:12:35.82
And I knew my
father grew up very hardy,
00:12:35.85\00:12:37.99
joined armed
forces, lied about his age.
00:12:38.02\00:12:41.39
He had no business having kids.
00:12:41.42\00:12:43.79
He had no business having kids.
00:12:43.83\00:12:45.73
But at the same time
00:12:45.76\00:12:47.23
because you've a child
does make you a father.
00:12:47.26\00:12:49.93
And I don't want
a demon as my father
00:12:49.96\00:12:51.63
because I love my father,
00:12:51.67\00:12:53.20
and the Bible
says, "Call no other man,
00:12:53.23\00:12:56.00
father but me,
I am your father."
00:12:56.04\00:12:58.74
This is your earthly
father, but I am your father.
00:12:58.77\00:13:01.78
And that's, that
gives us our life back,
00:13:01.81\00:13:03.95
I mean for some people
that's the most important thing
00:13:03.98\00:13:06.51
that they will ever get.
00:13:06.55\00:13:08.05
So you went from this kid.
00:13:08.08\00:13:10.29
What was your next
part of that journey?
00:13:10.32\00:13:12.15
What did you do next?
00:13:12.19\00:13:13.52
Well, I went from couch to couch
00:13:13.56\00:13:16.62
and I was molested,
00:13:16.66\00:13:19.76
you know, I was
taken advantage of.
00:13:19.79\00:13:21.86
I would stay at people's places
00:13:21.90\00:13:23.23
just because I
was good in sports
00:13:23.26\00:13:25.17
and they would
offer me a place to stay,
00:13:25.20\00:13:27.80
you know, they would
offer me a room to be in.
00:13:27.84\00:13:30.01
And, you know,
00:13:30.04\00:13:32.27
I got to a point
to were I was like,
00:13:32.31\00:13:33.64
you know, I am
gonna go back to my dad.
00:13:33.68\00:13:35.64
So, and I've
got to just say this
00:13:35.68\00:13:38.41
'cause you know
what I saying is that
00:13:38.45\00:13:40.52
for kid that
needs someone to be real
00:13:40.55\00:13:44.39
and to love us.
00:13:44.42\00:13:45.75
We are really set
up by our Peta files
00:13:45.79\00:13:48.02
and perpetrators
00:13:48.06\00:13:49.39
because we just need that
00:13:49.42\00:13:50.76
they know that we're easy marks.
00:13:50.79\00:13:52.36
We can be groomed easily
00:13:52.39\00:13:54.43
and what you're saying is
00:13:54.46\00:13:55.80
because of all this craziness,
00:13:55.83\00:13:57.97
you were literally moved
around and groomed by somewhat.
00:13:58.00\00:14:02.27
Well, as a young
child, I mean, you know,
00:14:02.30\00:14:04.27
if you're looking at Playboy
00:14:04.31\00:14:05.64
or your looking at Penthouse,
00:14:05.67\00:14:07.01
you're looking at any
one of these magazines,
00:14:07.04\00:14:08.38
they are always
around my house and much,
00:14:08.41\00:14:10.01
much worse much,
much more graphic.
00:14:10.05\00:14:12.45
That becomes a
norm, that becomes a norm.
00:14:12.48\00:14:14.85
I was staying
with the prostitutes
00:14:14.88\00:14:16.89
when I was a little child
00:14:16.92\00:14:18.25
'cause they had a
place for me to stay.
00:14:18.29\00:14:20.19
And you just see so much,
00:14:20.22\00:14:22.12
but, you know, I decided,
00:14:22.16\00:14:24.63
you know what I am
gonna become an athlete,
00:14:24.66\00:14:28.06
I'm gonna dive
into martial arts...
00:14:28.10\00:14:30.13
How old now?
00:14:30.17\00:14:31.50
At that time, I
was about 7, 8, 9,
00:14:31.53\00:14:33.64
about 10, 13...
00:14:33.67\00:14:35.00
Okay...
00:14:35.04\00:14:36.37
Between 10 and 13,
00:14:36.40\00:14:37.74
I started to
box, I started to...
00:14:37.77\00:14:39.11
As I said,
00:14:39.14\00:14:40.58
I was gonna stay with my father,
00:14:40.61\00:14:42.51
and this is the point where
00:14:42.54\00:14:45.15
I believe the
enemy really came at me.
00:14:45.18\00:14:48.88
As he wasn't there,
00:14:48.92\00:14:50.59
it was my dad's
fiancée and she had said,
00:14:50.62\00:14:55.19
"Where is your father?"
00:14:55.22\00:14:56.56
And my mom had
just dropped us out,
00:14:56.59\00:14:57.93
we're just busy with my mom.
00:14:57.96\00:14:59.29
My brother went, go to sleep.
00:14:59.33\00:15:00.86
I stayed up,
00:15:00.90\00:15:02.23
and she said,
"Where is your father?"
00:15:02.26\00:15:04.30
I mean, you know
he is cheating on me,
00:15:04.33\00:15:05.90
he is this, he is that.
00:15:05.93\00:15:07.27
She is just
demonizing him in front of me.
00:15:07.30\00:15:09.44
I don't want to say anything,
00:15:09.47\00:15:10.81
she is drinking, smoking,
00:15:10.84\00:15:13.74
and then she seduces
me in my father's bed.
00:15:13.78\00:15:19.05
And after the deed was done,
00:15:19.08\00:15:21.58
the guilt and the shame...
00:15:21.62\00:15:23.99
Was off the chart...
00:15:24.02\00:15:25.35
I couldn't even breathe.
00:15:25.39\00:15:27.22
You know, when you talk about,
00:15:27.26\00:15:28.76
the enemy comes in
and it literally says,
00:15:28.79\00:15:31.26
"I'm gonna chain you up
where you can't even move."
00:15:31.29\00:15:34.83
And those kinds
of things is like
00:15:34.86\00:15:37.07
you can feel the difference.
00:15:37.10\00:15:38.83
Shame you, break you,
00:15:38.87\00:15:42.07
then take you.
00:15:42.10\00:15:44.41
Killers don't destroy,
00:15:44.44\00:15:46.01
but you don't know that
unless you read the word,
00:15:46.04\00:15:48.34
you don't know that
unless you're in the light...
00:15:48.38\00:15:50.15
That's right.
00:15:50.18\00:15:51.51
So you're just wondering
why is this happening to me?
00:15:51.55\00:15:54.88
And then, you
find your sanctuary,
00:15:54.92\00:15:57.69
you find your worship in
art and sports and business.
00:15:57.72\00:16:01.92
And whatever it is
you're gonna crime,
00:16:01.96\00:16:04.19
whatever you gonna do,
you're gonna do it all the way.
00:16:04.23\00:16:07.00
That's what you worship,
that's what you believe in,
00:16:07.03\00:16:08.96
that's what you live,
that's what you breathe,
00:16:09.00\00:16:10.60
that's what you eat.
00:16:10.63\00:16:11.97
And yours was fighting
00:16:12.00\00:16:13.34
Yes, martial arts, boxing
00:16:13.37\00:16:15.80
and from that it
progressed to, you know,
00:16:15.84\00:16:19.84
high school but in high school,
00:16:19.87\00:16:21.21
I was only there
to play football,
00:16:21.24\00:16:22.58
I wasn't there
for, I didn't cared,
00:16:22.61\00:16:23.95
I didn't graduate high
school to be honest with you,
00:16:23.98\00:16:26.08
didn't graduate high school.
00:16:26.11\00:16:27.45
I knocked out the PE coach
00:16:27.48\00:16:30.05
because...
00:16:30.09\00:16:31.42
When you say,
00:16:31.45\00:16:32.79
you knocked him
out, you knocked him out.
00:16:32.82\00:16:34.16
Knocked him out,
yeah 'cause he...
00:16:34.19\00:16:35.52
I was gonna say,
00:16:35.56\00:16:36.89
there might be a
term that you're using,
00:16:36.93\00:16:38.26
but I'm thinking you just...
00:16:38.29\00:16:39.63
Yeah, knocked him.
00:16:39.66\00:16:41.00
He was actually trying to come
00:16:41.03\00:16:44.57
at one of my step sisters,
00:16:44.60\00:16:46.57
she told me about it.
00:16:46.60\00:16:48.24
So he decided to
get physical with me
00:16:48.27\00:16:51.87
and he went to sleep,
and I didn't graduate.
00:16:51.91\00:16:54.28
So now what am I
gonna do, you know,
00:16:54.31\00:16:56.78
I had all this
martial arts background
00:16:56.81\00:16:59.81
and I decided, you know what,
00:16:59.85\00:17:02.98
I will go ahead and do movies
00:17:03.02\00:17:06.22
because the
entertainment field was calling,
00:17:06.25\00:17:09.26
I was doing extra work
00:17:09.29\00:17:10.83
and went for
being non-union extra
00:17:10.86\00:17:14.60
to actually being a principal
00:17:14.63\00:17:16.70
in probably over
30, 35 action films.
00:17:16.73\00:17:18.77
'Cause you were in
Bloodsport movies...
00:17:18.80\00:17:20.14
Bloodsport 2.
00:17:20.17\00:17:21.50
Yeah. Yeah.
00:17:21.54\00:17:22.87
So and I just like to
say that 'cause someone says,
00:17:22.90\00:17:24.81
I decided to do movies,
00:17:24.84\00:17:27.94
you literally
stepped into that world.
00:17:27.98\00:17:30.45
That's the whole thing...
00:17:30.48\00:17:31.81
Very comfortably
00:17:31.85\00:17:33.18
That's exactly right,
00:17:33.21\00:17:34.55
because that is
the power of the mind.
00:17:34.58\00:17:36.75
Yeah.
00:17:36.79\00:17:38.12
The power of eye,
00:17:38.15\00:17:39.49
I am gonna do
this, I am gonna do that
00:17:39.52\00:17:41.29
and the enemy will
welcome you in with open arms,
00:17:41.32\00:17:43.69
welcome you in with open arms...
00:17:43.73\00:17:45.09
Just long as it's not
recovery, I'll give it to you.
00:17:45.13\00:17:46.76
As long as it edifying,
00:17:46.80\00:17:48.26
uplifting the
evil and the darkness,
00:17:48.30\00:17:50.63
and the brokenness,
and the hopelessness.
00:17:50.67\00:17:52.60
But I was
flirting with the demons.
00:17:52.63\00:17:56.24
I haven't made my bed there yet.
00:17:56.27\00:17:57.61
So, I was doing the movies,
I didn't even know who I was,
00:17:57.64\00:18:00.61
Cheri, because playing
so many different parts,
00:18:00.64\00:18:02.91
taking out so many characters,
00:18:02.94\00:18:04.95
and you become that character
00:18:04.98\00:18:06.82
and then the ego, and the pride,
00:18:06.85\00:18:08.48
and worldly
entitlement and the arrogance,
00:18:08.52\00:18:11.45
it just becomes a part of you,
00:18:11.49\00:18:12.85
it just becomes the part of you.
00:18:12.89\00:18:14.22
And then the voices,
00:18:14.26\00:18:15.59
the voices that are telling you,
00:18:15.62\00:18:17.49
you know, things
that are not right to do,
00:18:17.53\00:18:19.56
and things that are negative,
00:18:19.59\00:18:23.40
and things that are dark,
00:18:23.43\00:18:24.77
and things that, you know,
00:18:24.80\00:18:26.13
you need to just go here
00:18:26.17\00:18:27.64
and do this and
be with that person.
00:18:27.67\00:18:29.70
Those became very, very loud
00:18:29.74\00:18:31.47
because I decided that,
00:18:31.51\00:18:33.51
hey, I am gonna be a
A list motion picture,
00:18:33.54\00:18:37.98
you know, action
star, that's my life,
00:18:38.01\00:18:41.15
that's were I am going
and when that fell apart...
00:18:41.18\00:18:44.55
And fell a part because why?
00:18:44.59\00:18:46.45
You know, I like to
say, I am a self-destructor.
00:18:46.49\00:18:50.63
I go into things,
00:18:50.66\00:18:52.03
I achieve a certain
amount of success...
00:18:52.06\00:18:55.63
now what? Right.
00:18:55.66\00:18:57.00
Now what?
00:18:57.03\00:18:58.37
And I also see
the hand of the enemy,
00:18:58.40\00:19:03.07
but I also see the
hand of the Holy Spirit.
00:19:03.10\00:19:06.21
Because the enemy
will build this up,
00:19:06.24\00:19:09.28
tell us lies,
00:19:09.31\00:19:11.78
feed you a five course
meal on a five star hotel...
00:19:11.81\00:19:14.62
Give you five or six lines of...
00:19:14.65\00:19:16.25
And then tear you down,
00:19:16.28\00:19:18.05
and kick you to the curb,
00:19:18.09\00:19:20.02
and laugh when you
take your last breath.
00:19:20.06\00:19:21.72
Yeah.
00:19:21.76\00:19:23.09
So and I didn't
know that at the time.
00:19:23.12\00:19:24.79
So now, I am going
from movies and I've got,
00:19:24.83\00:19:27.16
you know red carpet
treatment in everything.
00:19:27.20\00:19:29.33
But let me just say
00:19:29.36\00:19:30.70
'cause people will see
that red carpet treatment,
00:19:30.73\00:19:32.53
they'll see that kind of stuff.
00:19:32.57\00:19:34.27
But they don't see those
darker doors have opened up.
00:19:34.30\00:19:37.01
They don't see what we
can jump into a relationships
00:19:37.04\00:19:39.74
or sexual stuff
or drugs or whatever.
00:19:39.77\00:19:41.98
I think that it's
almost like a hidden reality.
00:19:42.01\00:19:47.18
But, man,
00:19:47.22\00:19:48.55
when you step
through some of those doors,
00:19:48.58\00:19:50.15
it's a whole another world.
00:19:50.19\00:19:51.89
You can't really
bring the Holy Spirit
00:19:51.92\00:19:57.33
with you in some
of these situations
00:19:57.36\00:19:59.56
to where you have to
be sold out to the enemy,
00:19:59.59\00:20:02.26
you have to be sold
out to the darkness,
00:20:02.30\00:20:04.03
and if you think about it,
00:20:04.07\00:20:06.20
the strategy is amazing
00:20:06.23\00:20:08.74
because you are at the
lights, camera, action,
00:20:08.77\00:20:10.51
you got all
this flashing lights,
00:20:10.54\00:20:11.87
everybody wants
to know your name,
00:20:11.91\00:20:13.34
just like in church, you know.
00:20:13.38\00:20:14.71
And you're
celebrity, you're well known
00:20:14.74\00:20:17.11
and you fall in love with that.
00:20:17.15\00:20:19.55
But when you look in the mirror
00:20:19.58\00:20:21.32
and there is no one else around.
00:20:21.35\00:20:23.79
You know who you are.
00:20:23.82\00:20:25.15
And you see that
person who is broken,
00:20:25.19\00:20:27.19
who was
molested, who was beaten,
00:20:27.22\00:20:29.22
who has generational curses,
00:20:29.26\00:20:30.99
who has the weight
of bondage upon him,
00:20:31.03\00:20:33.09
who can't even breathe,
00:20:33.13\00:20:34.46
who hates
themselves, hate themselves,
00:20:34.50\00:20:37.43
you're headed for
a very bad ending.
00:20:37.47\00:20:40.97
So what happened
00:20:41.00\00:20:43.34
'cause man, I want
to root for that kid?
00:20:43.37\00:20:46.57
What happened 'cause
it doesn't get better,
00:20:46.61\00:20:49.91
you end up taking that
crash in that industry,
00:20:49.94\00:20:54.55
the entertainment industry.
00:20:54.58\00:20:55.98
Where do you go from there?
00:20:56.02\00:20:57.35
Well, I had a television
series called Boom on Spike TV
00:20:57.39\00:21:01.56
and we blew up
inanimate objects, you know,
00:21:01.59\00:21:05.39
and that was shortly lived
00:21:05.43\00:21:08.60
and when that felt apart,
00:21:08.63\00:21:12.73
you know, I said to myself
00:21:12.77\00:21:15.80
and I've done all these movies,
00:21:15.84\00:21:17.47
I was married twice.
00:21:17.51\00:21:19.67
I had more
girlfriends that I can count,
00:21:19.71\00:21:22.61
I just wasn't
happy with anything...
00:21:22.64\00:21:24.61
Drugs, alcohol all that stuff...
00:21:24.65\00:21:26.21
Alcohol was there...
00:21:26.25\00:21:27.58
Okay.
00:21:27.62\00:21:28.95
I was an alcoholic. Okay.
00:21:28.98\00:21:32.25
It gets real dark
and you know it, Cheri,
00:21:32.29\00:21:34.39
you know exactly
what I am talking about.
00:21:34.42\00:21:36.42
So I was flirting, I
was dancing with the demons.
00:21:36.46\00:21:40.80
I wasn't flying
with the angelic angels.
00:21:40.83\00:21:43.47
But, you know, if
there was a holiday,
00:21:43.50\00:21:45.23
you could find me
in church you know.
00:21:45.27\00:21:48.47
But at the same
time, I wasn't sold out,
00:21:48.50\00:21:51.77
I wasn't fully surrendered.
00:21:51.81\00:21:53.27
And I'm in the
entertainment field,
00:21:53.31\00:21:55.44
I have got everybody telling me,
00:21:55.48\00:21:56.88
oh, you're gonna do
this, you're gonna do that,
00:21:56.91\00:21:58.71
and this television
series gonna do this and that.
00:21:58.75\00:22:00.95
And when it all goes away
00:22:00.98\00:22:03.99
and you're in the
privacy of your own humanity,
00:22:04.02\00:22:07.06
you either fight for the light
or you die in the darkness.
00:22:07.09\00:22:11.83
And in that time of my
life I consciously said,
00:22:11.86\00:22:15.80
"Okay,
00:22:15.83\00:22:19.07
I'm going into that dark world,
00:22:19.10\00:22:21.27
I'm gonna become a drug addict,
00:22:21.30\00:22:23.81
I am gonna overdose
and I'm never coming back."
00:22:23.84\00:22:27.91
But in your
mind, and can I ask you
00:22:27.94\00:22:31.98
'cause there is a
part of that decision
00:22:32.01\00:22:34.58
for yourself even
that feels rational,
00:22:34.62\00:22:37.72
it is like the
enemy takes us to a place
00:22:37.75\00:22:39.29
where we're
saying stuff like that
00:22:39.32\00:22:40.79
and we think we
are making sense.
00:22:40.82\00:22:42.79
Broken promises,
shattered dreams,
00:22:42.82\00:22:47.23
just life in general.
00:22:47.26\00:22:49.56
We know who is the
Prince of this world.
00:22:49.60\00:22:51.63
Yeah.
00:22:51.67\00:22:53.34
The bells, the whistles,
00:22:53.37\00:22:54.70
the triggers, the shadows,
00:22:54.74\00:22:56.07
the images, the voices
00:22:56.10\00:22:58.71
and it's the little
foxes that spoil the vines.
00:22:58.74\00:23:03.51
And I was at a point in
my life where I was like,
00:23:03.55\00:23:06.98
I am done with people,
00:23:07.02\00:23:09.85
I am done with this world.
00:23:09.88\00:23:11.99
But I know another world.
00:23:12.02\00:23:13.82
And I'm gonna
jump into it. Yeah.
00:23:13.86\00:23:16.02
So you did...
00:23:16.06\00:23:18.49
Yes, I did and, you know,
00:23:18.53\00:23:23.23
I started to do
more and more drinking,
00:23:23.26\00:23:26.70
more and more drinking,
00:23:26.74\00:23:28.07
passing out, passing out.
00:23:28.10\00:23:29.44
And I was
introduced to crystal meth.
00:23:29.47\00:23:34.48
And let me just say
00:23:34.51\00:23:35.84
because even where
you were at initially,
00:23:35.88\00:23:39.38
you no longer
will fit in that world
00:23:39.41\00:23:41.62
because you're now funneled
00:23:41.65\00:23:43.49
into a world that's even darker.
00:23:43.52\00:23:45.65
Yes, you extricate
yourself out of that world,
00:23:45.69\00:23:48.52
and the scariest thing is
00:23:48.56\00:23:49.89
when you make a
conscious decision
00:23:49.92\00:23:52.49
to go into that dark world,
00:23:52.53\00:23:54.36
to go into that
world of addictions,
00:23:54.40\00:23:56.46
that world of
demonic possessions,
00:23:56.50\00:23:59.73
spiritual solitary confinement.
00:23:59.77\00:24:01.30
If you go into that
world with malicious intent,
00:24:01.34\00:24:04.34
it's like seeing at a table
00:24:04.37\00:24:06.57
and I don't know
00:24:06.61\00:24:07.94
if your viewers
or your listeners
00:24:07.98\00:24:09.74
understand what
Russian roulette is.
00:24:09.78\00:24:12.01
And they take a gun they spin it
00:24:12.05\00:24:13.95
and it's up to what they
call fate where you live or die.
00:24:13.98\00:24:17.69
Yeah, there is a
bullet somewhere in there.
00:24:17.72\00:24:19.42
Amen, there is a
bullet somewhere in there
00:24:19.45\00:24:21.22
and at the same time,
00:24:21.26\00:24:22.62
I was playing a triple
threat Russian roulette.
00:24:22.66\00:24:25.39
I wanted to die
I just didn't have,
00:24:25.43\00:24:29.53
I just I understood that
00:24:29.56\00:24:31.43
if I blew my
brains all over the wall,
00:24:31.47\00:24:33.90
that what family I did
still have would see that.
00:24:33.94\00:24:37.61
And at those generational curses
00:24:37.64\00:24:39.14
would then go into them...
00:24:39.17\00:24:41.78
So you're thinking, you know,
00:24:41.81\00:24:43.58
from this little boy
that was seven or eight is,
00:24:43.61\00:24:45.91
I don't want to do what my dad,
00:24:45.95\00:24:47.72
I don't want to that.
00:24:47.75\00:24:49.68
So it was really
solemnly in there for you
00:24:49.72\00:24:52.65
but you're saying man,
00:24:52.69\00:24:54.02
"I'll take myself out
at that in another way."
00:24:54.06\00:24:55.72
Cheri, I used to take my head
and smash it against the wall
00:24:55.76\00:24:58.36
till I was bloody.
00:24:58.39\00:24:59.73
I would take my fist
00:24:59.76\00:25:01.10
and just crack, crack, crack
00:25:01.13\00:25:04.00
knock myself out and
look at the mirror and go,
00:25:04.03\00:25:07.07
man I hate you, you're nothing,
00:25:07.10\00:25:10.17
you will never be anything,
00:25:10.21\00:25:11.84
echoing those lies of the enemy
00:25:11.87\00:25:15.11
and I don't look
at people and say,
00:25:15.14\00:25:17.38
"Oh, it was your fault."
00:25:17.41\00:25:18.75
No, you were open to the enemy,
00:25:18.78\00:25:20.98
the enemy can use you.
00:25:21.02\00:25:23.18
You haven't made a decision yet.
00:25:23.22\00:25:24.55
You haven't made a choice yet,
00:25:24.59\00:25:25.92
you are still
walking on that razor's edge.
00:25:25.95\00:25:28.69
The enemy will use you
00:25:28.72\00:25:30.06
to come against God's children.
00:25:30.09\00:25:31.89
So, you step into meth
and that's a scary world
00:25:31.93\00:25:35.70
'cause I have
friends that I love
00:25:35.73\00:25:38.07
and they stepped
into that, and man,
00:25:38.10\00:25:40.40
it's almost like I
can watch them disappear
00:25:40.44\00:25:42.40
right in front of me.
00:25:42.44\00:25:44.47
It is the drug that
opens up the gateways to evil.
00:25:44.51\00:25:50.78
Anything that you
thought you might not do,
00:25:50.81\00:25:53.15
because of compassion
or empathy or sensitivity
00:25:53.18\00:25:55.85
towards what would be
innocent is gone, it's gone.
00:25:55.88\00:26:00.42
And it starts out subtle,
one day becomes one week,
00:26:00.46\00:26:04.76
one week becomes one year,
00:26:04.79\00:26:06.49
and before, you know it,
00:26:06.53\00:26:08.23
everything you have,
everything you loved,
00:26:08.26\00:26:11.13
everything that
you ever loved you...
00:26:11.17\00:26:12.93
Is gone...
00:26:12.97\00:26:14.30
Unconditionally it's gone,
00:26:14.34\00:26:17.01
it's gone and
you have the enemy,
00:26:17.04\00:26:19.67
and you have
evil to fall back on.
00:26:19.71\00:26:21.41
And for me once I
started to do the crystal meth,
00:26:21.44\00:26:25.48
I was introduced to
the world of dominatrix,
00:26:25.51\00:26:30.22
and the world of
darkness as a bodyguard,
00:26:30.25\00:26:33.12
a protector of
nefarious dark evil characters.
00:26:33.15\00:26:36.49
And I won't even
give the people the credit
00:26:36.52\00:26:38.26
of mentioning their name,
nor will I do that anyway.
00:26:38.29\00:26:40.33
Right.
00:26:40.36\00:26:41.76
But I won't even give
them the power, that authority.
00:26:41.80\00:26:44.67
And so, as a
bodyguard, as stepping in,
00:26:44.70\00:26:47.54
you are watching
things become so twisted
00:26:47.57\00:26:53.04
because that's a twisted world.
00:26:53.07\00:26:54.61
I liked it...
00:26:54.64\00:26:55.98
People are paying for abuse,
00:26:56.01\00:26:57.35
so paying for...
00:26:57.38\00:26:58.71
Yes, it is, and people
00:26:58.75\00:27:00.22
that walk in there
with suits and ties,
00:27:00.25\00:27:02.82
and big wallet full of money.
00:27:02.85\00:27:06.02
And I won't go into the
detail what they ended up doing
00:27:06.05\00:27:08.79
and subjecting themselves
to but I would watch it
00:27:08.82\00:27:12.49
because it was
up to me to protect
00:27:12.53\00:27:14.70
the evil that was there.
00:27:14.73\00:27:16.40
They were slinging drugs,
00:27:16.43\00:27:18.03
they were doing all
these different things,
00:27:18.07\00:27:19.53
mind control,
00:27:19.57\00:27:20.90
wrapping people up in plastic,
00:27:20.94\00:27:22.47
poking a hole,
putting a pipe in their mouth,
00:27:22.50\00:27:25.47
smoking till they didn't
even know their own name,
00:27:25.51\00:27:27.58
or where they came
from, or who they were.
00:27:27.61\00:27:29.78
Pornography playing everywhere.
00:27:29.81\00:27:31.81
And you know in
those kinds of worlds
00:27:31.85\00:27:33.48
they will take you
almost to the point of death.
00:27:33.52\00:27:36.72
There is
something worse than death
00:27:36.75\00:27:38.79
and that's living
with the dead spirit.
00:27:38.82\00:27:42.36
That's powerful. Yeah.
00:27:42.39\00:27:44.66
And so, Nico, say that
again and explain that.
00:27:44.69\00:27:47.50
Go ahead.
00:27:55.87\00:27:57.21
Yeah, when you have
no more love for life
00:27:57.24\00:28:01.98
and you're spiritually dead
00:28:02.01\00:28:03.88
and the world is
beating you to a point to where
00:28:03.91\00:28:06.88
you rather be
dead but you can't,
00:28:06.92\00:28:09.25
you don't have
the guts to even...
00:28:09.28\00:28:10.99
I won't even call it
guts but you can't do it...
00:28:11.02\00:28:14.92
Right, you got
to breathe again...
00:28:14.96\00:28:17.73
That the Holy Spirit is
constantly reaffirming you,
00:28:17.76\00:28:21.53
reassuring you,
00:28:21.56\00:28:23.20
but you just shut it
out, you shut it out.
00:28:23.23\00:28:25.23
When you can't hear that voice,
00:28:25.27\00:28:27.57
when you can't see that light,
00:28:27.60\00:28:29.60
when you can't
throw that compassion,
00:28:29.64\00:28:31.97
when you're all by
yourself and if you die,
00:28:32.01\00:28:35.91
there would be nobody
00:28:35.94\00:28:37.95
to even carry
your ashes or bury you.
00:28:37.98\00:28:41.68
That's a point in your life for.
00:28:41.72\00:28:46.29
You're better off
just as far as the enemy
00:28:46.32\00:28:49.82
and in the darkness
sometimes expiring...
00:28:49.86\00:28:53.46
It feels that way.
00:28:53.50\00:28:54.83
It definitely does
and I can relate to that,
00:28:54.86\00:28:57.60
the walking
dead, the walking dead
00:28:57.63\00:29:01.20
but the same time God never,
00:29:01.24\00:29:05.71
and I know this, I know this,
00:29:05.74\00:29:07.38
God never stops
pursuing His children.
00:29:07.41\00:29:12.98
How do you know that?
00:29:13.01\00:29:14.35
'Cause I'm
listening to your story
00:29:14.38\00:29:16.18
and I am thinking that
00:29:16.22\00:29:17.69
there is got to
be a million people
00:29:17.72\00:29:19.42
watching this program that says,
00:29:19.45\00:29:20.79
"Are you kidding me,
you think God was there."
00:29:20.82\00:29:23.19
And what you were
saying in your spirit
00:29:23.22\00:29:25.56
and even looking back
is he was right there.
00:29:25.59\00:29:27.90
There's a...
00:29:27.93\00:29:29.26
I wouldn't have survived...
00:29:29.30\00:29:30.63
There is a priceless gift,
00:29:30.67\00:29:32.70
a lot of people overlook it.
00:29:32.73\00:29:35.50
It's free world.
00:29:35.54\00:29:37.27
It's free world.
00:29:37.31\00:29:39.11
God said, "You do
what you are going to do.
00:29:39.14\00:29:41.91
The choices you
make, the chances you take,
00:29:41.94\00:29:44.61
my son, my daughter
will determine your faith.
00:29:44.65\00:29:48.42
But I will be with
you, every step of the way.
00:29:48.45\00:29:52.09
But I gave you that,
00:29:52.12\00:29:54.39
I gave you so you can
love me unconditionally."
00:29:54.42\00:29:57.26
That's right.
00:29:57.29\00:29:58.63
That's...
00:29:58.66\00:30:00.00
those choices,
00:30:00.03\00:30:01.36
that free will can take
us to some very dark places,
00:30:01.40\00:30:07.57
but don't think for a moment.
00:30:07.60\00:30:10.47
That God is not
knocking on your heart,
00:30:10.51\00:30:13.24
don't think for a moment,
00:30:13.27\00:30:14.61
that Jesus walked up
that mountain on Golgotha,
00:30:14.64\00:30:16.48
took those nails
00:30:16.51\00:30:18.88
because He didn't love you,
00:30:18.91\00:30:22.32
because He didn't
love you personally,
00:30:22.35\00:30:25.09
but I didn't know that.
00:30:25.12\00:30:26.45
And the enemy is
so good at whispering,
00:30:26.49\00:30:28.66
lies and deception,
00:30:28.69\00:30:30.63
and you know are you no good,
you'll never mount to anything,
00:30:30.66\00:30:34.20
nobody believes you...
00:30:34.23\00:30:35.80
Not even God Himself.
00:30:35.83\00:30:37.17
I wish you won't even born.
00:30:37.20\00:30:39.40
So how did you get...
00:30:39.43\00:30:40.94
Nico, how did you
get from that place?
00:30:40.97\00:30:42.94
I am trying to
beat my self senses
00:30:42.97\00:30:46.57
and how did you
get from that place
00:30:46.61\00:30:48.48
in the middle of that world,
00:30:48.51\00:30:49.88
in the middle
of a meth addiction
00:30:49.91\00:30:52.58
to where you started to
look up and there is light.
00:30:52.61\00:30:55.98
I mean I can't even...
00:30:56.02\00:30:57.35
right now, I
can't even imagine it.
00:30:57.39\00:30:59.75
You know,
00:30:59.79\00:31:02.46
that quick,
00:31:02.49\00:31:03.83
that quick you could be dead...
00:31:03.86\00:31:05.19
Yeah. That quick.
00:31:05.23\00:31:07.60
It's not us, Cheri,
00:31:07.63\00:31:10.40
it's not us,
00:31:10.43\00:31:11.83
it's the Holy
Spirit that stays there,
00:31:11.87\00:31:14.84
that angel that protects us
00:31:14.87\00:31:17.21
because we have it for purpose,
00:31:17.24\00:31:19.14
we have a plan.
00:31:19.17\00:31:21.14
We do, you did. Yeah.
00:31:21.18\00:31:23.38
You did and God was like,
00:31:23.41\00:31:26.95
I got you, don't trip.
00:31:26.98\00:31:29.08
I got your back,
but you know what,
00:31:29.12\00:31:31.02
I am gonna let
you make those choices
00:31:31.05\00:31:33.15
because you got to learn.
00:31:33.19\00:31:35.02
And then one day
once you've learned
00:31:35.06\00:31:37.03
how much I love
you, how much compassion,
00:31:37.06\00:31:39.33
how much empathy,
how much sensitivity,
00:31:39.36\00:31:42.06
then you gonna be able to
tell other people about it,
00:31:42.10\00:31:44.57
I trust you, you are a fighter.
00:31:44.60\00:31:46.63
You'll get through this,
00:31:46.67\00:31:48.00
so when I was in that
darkness in that drug addiction.
00:31:48.04\00:31:51.47
I walked away from the evil,
but I did something even worse.
00:31:51.51\00:31:56.08
And you're taught
about prisoner of wars,
00:31:56.11\00:31:59.21
they find out that
the battle is over.
00:31:59.25\00:32:01.25
They get out of their cages,
00:32:01.28\00:32:02.62
where they have been beaten
and tortured and humiliated
00:32:02.65\00:32:05.82
and they go back
to their families,
00:32:05.85\00:32:07.49
they go back to their loved one,
00:32:07.52\00:32:09.46
but you know what,
00:32:09.49\00:32:12.29
I found out that
the battle was over.
00:32:12.33\00:32:14.36
And I was free to go,
00:32:14.40\00:32:15.90
but I turn right back
and went into the cage
00:32:15.93\00:32:18.33
and locked and
started beating myself
00:32:18.37\00:32:20.57
'cause I still hated myself.
00:32:20.60\00:32:24.24
So at that point in time,
00:32:24.27\00:32:26.17
is when God started to
reach me through poetry.
00:32:26.21\00:32:30.58
And if you have
ever see a puzzle,
00:32:30.61\00:32:32.38
you need to see the picture
00:32:32.41\00:32:34.78
in order to put
that puzzle together.
00:32:34.82\00:32:36.42
That's absolutely...
00:32:36.45\00:32:37.79
Right... Yeah.
00:32:37.82\00:32:39.15
But can you imagine
putting that picture together
00:32:39.19\00:32:40.96
or the puzzle together
00:32:40.99\00:32:42.32
when you don't have a picture.
00:32:42.36\00:32:43.69
No.
00:32:43.73\00:32:45.06
So, here I am in this world
with nefarious dark characters.
00:32:45.09\00:32:48.10
That's like clowns from out
of town hanging upside down.
00:32:48.13\00:32:50.87
And God, the Holy
Spirit, Jesus Christ,
00:32:50.90\00:32:55.34
our creative Father
thought enough of His child,
00:32:55.37\00:32:58.51
who was broken, who was lost,
00:32:58.54\00:32:59.94
who was addicted,
00:32:59.97\00:33:01.34
to start to give him
words of compassion and empathy
00:33:01.38\00:33:05.38
You know in the
midst of that craziness,
00:33:05.41\00:33:07.45
'cause I have heard some
of the stuff you've written
00:33:07.48\00:33:09.55
and it's just is incredible.
00:33:09.58\00:33:11.32
So in the midst
of that craziness,
00:33:11.35\00:33:12.99
God gives you a couple things.
00:33:13.02\00:33:14.36
Can you share one with us?
00:33:14.39\00:33:16.09
I can, I can
00:33:16.12\00:33:17.89
but I also want to let you know
00:33:17.93\00:33:19.33
that it was written
in chronological order.
00:33:19.36\00:33:21.03
Okay.
00:33:21.06\00:33:22.40
If you can
imagine over a decade,
00:33:22.43\00:33:24.63
it went from your
spiritual, your physical suicide
00:33:24.67\00:33:28.60
to the calling to be my
soldier to the fact that
00:33:28.64\00:33:31.44
we have an angel
that protects us.
00:33:31.47\00:33:33.91
And one word at a time
00:33:33.94\00:33:36.04
through years and
years and years of abuse,
00:33:36.08\00:33:39.41
5150 bipolar clinically
pronounced dead in a room
00:33:39.45\00:33:45.29
where no one else is
around so how is that happened.
00:33:45.32\00:33:47.56
It doesn't,
your heart just stop.
00:33:47.59\00:33:48.92
For people who don't know
00:33:48.96\00:33:50.29
5150 is a psychiatrical
literally thrown in.
00:33:50.33\00:33:52.96
You're just like...
00:33:52.99\00:33:54.90
how low, how
much lower can I get.
00:33:54.93\00:33:59.37
And I hate even to ask
that because the devils say,
00:33:59.40\00:34:01.74
"Oh, wait, I can
show you some stuff."
00:34:01.77\00:34:03.41
Well, you know,
00:34:03.44\00:34:05.97
I realize one day when
I looked in the mirror,
00:34:06.01\00:34:07.94
and I'll get into
that, I spoke a word for you.
00:34:07.98\00:34:11.25
This will give
it a build up. Okay.
00:34:11.28\00:34:13.05
I looked into
the mirror and I was,
00:34:13.08\00:34:17.49
I am about 210 now,
00:34:17.52\00:34:18.85
I was probably
about 145-150 pounds,
00:34:18.89\00:34:21.69
why emaciated drugs
00:34:21.72\00:34:25.96
told the story on
my face, on my hands.
00:34:25.99\00:34:28.76
My hands shook like this, I
couldn't put sense together,
00:34:28.80\00:34:32.00
I couldn't brush my hair,
I couldn't brush my teeth.
00:34:32.03\00:34:34.24
I had nothing but,
00:34:34.27\00:34:35.60
I was like an
animal living in the tombs.
00:34:35.64\00:34:38.57
Right, it's horrible.
00:34:38.61\00:34:40.11
And I looked in the mirror,
00:34:40.14\00:34:43.68
and I realize the monster
00:34:43.71\00:34:45.21
that I was running
from not only lived inside,
00:34:45.25\00:34:48.65
but it was me.
00:34:48.68\00:34:51.29
And I had to
finally put those pieces
00:34:51.32\00:34:53.46
that God had been written,
writing on my heart together,
00:34:53.49\00:34:56.52
and I started to recite them,
00:34:56.56\00:34:57.93
and recite them, and recite them
00:34:57.96\00:35:00.50
and I started to make sense,
00:35:00.53\00:35:02.13
and I knew that
he was calling me.
00:35:02.16\00:35:04.10
At that point in time,
00:35:04.13\00:35:05.47
I smashed the
mirror, I smashed the glass,
00:35:05.50\00:35:07.57
it was all around me.
00:35:07.60\00:35:08.94
Went into my room
00:35:08.97\00:35:10.31
and locked the
chains that were in my room.
00:35:10.34\00:35:13.71
I had glass pipes,
00:35:13.74\00:35:15.08
paraffin inhaler on
the floor with drugs.
00:35:15.11\00:35:17.65
I smashed the
drugs with my bare feet
00:35:17.68\00:35:20.55
and I smashed the
windows and the people
00:35:20.58\00:35:23.25
that were staying there,
00:35:23.28\00:35:25.19
they left because they thought
00:35:25.22\00:35:26.55
I was gonna tear everybody
up and take myself out,
00:35:26.59\00:35:30.59
and I stayed in
this room bleeding
00:35:30.63\00:35:33.36
and tears pouring from my eyes,
00:35:33.40\00:35:36.30
and the enemy telling me
you're no good to me anymore.
00:35:36.33\00:35:38.83
You dare to keep
kids from being raped
00:35:38.87\00:35:43.41
and molested on my watch.
00:35:43.44\00:35:46.27
You dare to keep
what you think is innocent
00:35:46.31\00:35:49.68
from being attacked on my watch.
00:35:49.71\00:35:51.85
I thought you
were sold out to me.
00:35:51.88\00:35:55.68
I don't need you anymore.
00:35:55.72\00:35:57.22
You can blow
your brains out now.
00:35:57.25\00:35:58.79
You can take your life.
00:35:58.82\00:36:00.82
And I thought finally,
00:36:00.86\00:36:02.62
finally I have peace, finally...
00:36:02.66\00:36:05.83
I get out of here.
00:36:05.86\00:36:07.20
And that little voice
00:36:07.23\00:36:08.56
that have been
speaking to me the entire time
00:36:08.60\00:36:10.30
since I was that
eight year old child
00:36:10.33\00:36:12.13
all through my addictions,
all through the darkness,
00:36:12.17\00:36:14.87
all through anything
that I have done in my life.
00:36:14.90\00:36:18.11
Hey, I love you,
00:36:18.14\00:36:21.28
he say get up.
00:36:21.31\00:36:23.31
He said, "You think
you're gonna be dead
00:36:23.35\00:36:25.21
on the floor or you gonna get up
00:36:25.25\00:36:27.05
and you can walk out that door
and you gonna be my soldier."
00:36:27.08\00:36:30.12
And I said,
"God if you are real,
00:36:30.15\00:36:32.45
if you can hear me,
00:36:32.49\00:36:34.29
I want peace of mind
that surpasses understanding.
00:36:34.32\00:36:37.73
I want a roof over my head.
00:36:37.76\00:36:39.09
I want food in my stomach,
00:36:39.13\00:36:40.70
but more
importantly I need to resource,
00:36:40.73\00:36:43.73
so hat I can restore..."
I need to tell someone.
00:36:43.77\00:36:46.67
And from that day,
five and a half years ago,
00:36:46.70\00:36:51.41
you know, but in that room,
00:36:51.44\00:36:54.54
I'm bleeding from head to toe,
00:36:54.58\00:36:55.98
I saw Jesus on
the cross in my head
00:36:56.01\00:37:01.25
and he just
simply said in a whisper,
00:37:01.28\00:37:04.29
just in a whisper,
00:37:04.32\00:37:05.75
"My children don't love me,
00:37:05.79\00:37:07.92
they don't
believe I was resurrected.
00:37:07.96\00:37:09.99
They think I am
still on the cross."
00:37:10.03\00:37:14.43
I said, "Okay."
00:37:14.46\00:37:19.67
I surrender.
00:37:19.70\00:37:21.04
So one of the poems that
he's written on my heart.
00:37:21.07\00:37:26.11
Actually I was gonna do couple
00:37:26.14\00:37:28.74
but one was called crying
00:37:28.78\00:37:31.15
and it was
really about, you know,
00:37:31.18\00:37:34.25
the love that
God has for instance.
00:37:34.28\00:37:35.88
"Here I am God and once again,
00:37:35.92\00:37:39.62
I make the choice
to stand on my own.
00:37:39.65\00:37:42.82
The innocent Christ coming
00:37:42.86\00:37:44.19
from my mother's
womb to as fallen,
00:37:44.23\00:37:46.53
beaten, confused,
addicted child that
00:37:46.56\00:37:48.93
stands before you that
00:37:48.96\00:37:50.30
slowly give away
pieces of his very own soul.
00:37:50.33\00:37:53.37
Your beautiful colors,
00:37:53.40\00:37:54.74
they're drifting
in and out my mind
00:37:54.77\00:37:56.10
and heavenly music plays Lord,
00:37:56.14\00:37:57.61
but the truth is as you
can see just out of time.
00:37:57.64\00:38:01.81
So please don't ask me why
00:38:01.84\00:38:03.18
if I'm gonna lay
down my head tonight,
00:38:03.21\00:38:04.55
I know I will
never wake to breathe,
00:38:04.58\00:38:07.25
to laugh, to cry
00:38:07.28\00:38:08.88
so take me away to a
place I can finally be.
00:38:08.92\00:38:12.65
Take me away to a
place that you prepared
00:38:12.69\00:38:15.22
that I will never
again want to leave.
00:38:15.26\00:38:17.36
For I remember once
00:38:17.39\00:38:18.73
when you told me to go
and seek out the wise men.
00:38:18.76\00:38:20.80
And when I do sit
down and ask them,
00:38:20.83\00:38:23.70
did he truly have
a plan and a purpose
00:38:23.73\00:38:26.43
for someone like me to do.
00:38:26.47\00:38:28.37
How long before I was to realize
00:38:28.40\00:38:29.90
the wise man was in your word,
00:38:29.94\00:38:31.37
your truth, your light,
00:38:31.41\00:38:32.81
your sacrifice,
00:38:32.84\00:38:35.88
your resurrection,
00:38:35.91\00:38:37.51
it's always in
forever been in you.
00:38:37.55\00:38:39.48
And yet, here I am God
00:38:39.51\00:38:42.02
and once again I'll
make the very wrong choices
00:38:42.05\00:38:43.39
to stand on my own.
00:38:43.42\00:38:44.75
Four corners in darkness
00:38:44.79\00:38:46.12
that all that my
eyes can now see,
00:38:46.15\00:38:47.82
I realize this is my destiny.
00:38:47.86\00:38:50.99
So please have
mercy, have sympathy,
00:38:51.03\00:38:53.03
have compassion on a fallen,
00:38:53.06\00:38:55.16
beaten, confused
addicted child like me.
00:38:55.20\00:38:57.27
I hear the
voices, I feel the chill,
00:38:57.30\00:38:59.43
Satan taunts me,
all this demons harms me
00:38:59.47\00:39:02.00
and the tear of
the new day is all that
00:39:02.04\00:39:03.37
keeps me alive.
00:39:03.41\00:39:04.74
I only exist at
this moment in this place
00:39:04.77\00:39:07.78
for my own suicide.
00:39:07.81\00:39:10.38
He said, "No, here I am God,
00:39:10.41\00:39:12.81
you never left me alone.
00:39:12.85\00:39:15.25
I can hear your angels singing,
00:39:15.28\00:39:17.72
your Holy Spirit
spoke to me gently,
00:39:17.75\00:39:19.92
he said, "Turn around my child,
00:39:19.95\00:39:21.62
get up and go back home."
00:39:21.66\00:39:23.09
So please ask me while
00:39:23.12\00:39:24.46
when I lay down my head tonight,
00:39:24.49\00:39:25.83
I will look into your
eyes and I will reply,
00:39:25.86\00:39:27.96
I cannot wait to wake up,
00:39:28.00\00:39:29.80
breathe, laugh, and cry
00:39:29.83\00:39:31.47
for you are my
before, you are my after,
00:39:31.50\00:39:34.37
you dried all of my tears.
00:39:34.40\00:39:36.20
You gave me your laughter,
00:39:36.24\00:39:37.77
you held me in your hand,
00:39:37.81\00:39:39.27
you guided me from
the child to a man.
00:39:39.31\00:39:41.38
And now, I know in my heart
00:39:41.41\00:39:43.08
there will be a day
when I will see you again,
00:39:43.11\00:39:45.55
and this time in heaven's time.
00:39:45.58\00:39:47.65
It will never end,
00:39:47.68\00:39:49.02
and that's one of
the many 75,000 words
00:39:49.05\00:39:52.19
that he downloaded on my heart.
00:39:52.22\00:39:53.69
Well, I got to say,
is even with that...
00:39:53.72\00:39:55.82
really that
awareness said, you know,
00:39:55.86\00:39:58.66
it's almost like I
am accepting my death,
00:39:58.69\00:40:01.56
but your death was
actually your life.
00:40:01.60\00:40:04.83
It's like you are
gonna walk out of this room
00:40:04.87\00:40:07.40
and I want to have you come back
00:40:07.44\00:40:09.37
and at the close and
talk about that second one.
00:40:09.40\00:40:13.27
But before we get there is that
00:40:13.31\00:40:15.61
you got up and
walked out of that door.
00:40:15.64\00:40:18.25
And so the last five years,
you know sober like you said,
00:40:18.28\00:40:21.52
five years in ministry, three,
00:40:21.55\00:40:23.15
we have a little bit
of time so take us there
00:40:23.18\00:40:26.62
'cause I know you're
a powerful man of God
00:40:26.65\00:40:29.39
wanted to step into
the lives of other people
00:40:29.42\00:40:31.89
that are
struggling and telling them
00:40:31.93\00:40:33.40
you don't have to.
00:40:33.43\00:40:34.76
That's right.
00:40:34.80\00:40:36.16
You know, God needs no
one to finish his work,
00:40:36.20\00:40:39.80
he allows us the
honor and the privilege
00:40:39.83\00:40:42.60
to be an ambassador for him,
00:40:42.64\00:40:45.21
so that we can reach
souls, point him to the cross,
00:40:45.24\00:40:48.34
so one day we can
restart our own self.
00:40:48.38\00:40:50.58
He's always
giving, always giving so
00:40:50.61\00:40:54.78
when that moment it happened,
00:40:54.82\00:40:57.92
I took all my drugs,
all my paraffin inhaler,
00:40:57.95\00:41:01.52
everything that was in the room
00:41:01.56\00:41:03.99
and there was holes in the walls
00:41:04.03\00:41:07.06
and I mean blood and everything.
00:41:07.10\00:41:08.66
And I just sat there
and I thought was that real,
00:41:08.70\00:41:14.14
did that really happen?
00:41:14.17\00:41:16.71
I need to get high.
00:41:16.74\00:41:18.47
I am fainting,
it's only a dream.
00:41:18.51\00:41:20.48
I have been doing this,
you know, for over 10 years.
00:41:20.51\00:41:23.68
You know they say that,
00:41:23.71\00:41:25.05
"An apple a day keeps everyone,
00:41:25.08\00:41:27.78
but the demons
away," and it's true.
00:41:27.82\00:41:30.39
And...
00:41:30.42\00:41:31.75
That's a powerful statement.
00:41:31.79\00:41:33.12
Amen, amen.
00:41:33.15\00:41:34.49
Rock bottom you
start the day you got them.
00:41:34.52\00:41:36.39
You know the
journey, you've been there
00:41:36.42\00:41:39.19
and there was a
knock at my door,
00:41:39.23\00:41:41.56
and it was the dealer.
00:41:41.60\00:41:42.93
And I thought...
00:41:45.73\00:41:47.07
Does he just get
angry at the enemy.
00:41:47.10\00:41:48.67
I am angry that he says,
00:41:48.70\00:41:50.17
that moment the
knock at the door
00:41:50.21\00:41:53.54
it's like are you kidding me.
00:41:53.58\00:41:54.91
Give me a break.
00:41:54.94\00:41:56.28
You know like a cop knock.
00:41:56.31\00:41:57.65
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
00:41:57.68\00:41:59.01
They don't bring donuts
00:41:59.05\00:42:00.38
early in the
morning or did they?
00:42:00.42\00:42:01.75
But now I train cops.
00:42:01.78\00:42:03.79
So now you literally are
trying to make that decision
00:42:03.82\00:42:08.79
knowing that, you know what,
00:42:08.82\00:42:10.53
everything is kind
of screaming inside you
00:42:10.56\00:42:12.69
and the dealer is at the door.
00:42:12.73\00:42:14.06
The great controversy,
I mean it was in my room.
00:42:14.10\00:42:16.03
Absolutely.
00:42:16.06\00:42:17.40
Evil, darkness, light,
00:42:17.43\00:42:18.77
redemption, forgiveness,
00:42:18.80\00:42:20.17
hate, anger, sloth, bitterness,
00:42:20.20\00:42:22.94
it was right
there, all that was there.
00:42:22.97\00:42:25.61
And I'm sitting
in the middle of it.
00:42:25.64\00:42:27.74
Am I on the streets
00:42:27.78\00:42:29.14
or am I on the
wings of an angel?
00:42:29.18\00:42:31.71
So what happened?
00:42:31.75\00:42:33.08
Did you answer the door? Yeah.
00:42:33.11\00:42:35.58
I opened the door
and you know he says,
00:42:35.62\00:42:38.82
"Hey, what's up dragon.
00:42:38.85\00:42:40.56
You know
00:42:40.59\00:42:42.32
I got what you
want, you got cash?'
00:42:42.36\00:42:45.53
I am like, "Yeah, I
got cash," I had the cash.
00:42:45.56\00:42:48.03
And this little
voice was saying,
00:42:48.06\00:42:49.40
"Remember your promise."
00:42:49.43\00:42:51.97
That was it.
00:42:52.00\00:42:53.34
He'd already written,
God's soldier on my heart.
00:42:53.37\00:42:54.97
I already knew
what the calling was.
00:42:55.00\00:42:56.34
I already had
the papers in my hand
00:42:56.37\00:42:58.44
from the governments of heaven.
00:42:58.47\00:42:59.81
I knew what I was
there to do, so did Satan,
00:42:59.84\00:43:02.84
that's why he put the
chains of bondage on me
00:43:02.88\00:43:04.21
when I was a child.
00:43:04.25\00:43:05.58
I knew it, but at that time
00:43:05.61\00:43:06.95
I was like,
"Yeah, here's the cash,
00:43:06.98\00:43:08.72
so why I got to go
cross town to get it."
00:43:08.75\00:43:10.35
I said, "Okay, let me
just write you a check then.
00:43:10.39\00:43:12.49
And if you drop it I
am gonna break your nose
00:43:12.52\00:43:14.76
and he know meaning that
00:43:14.79\00:43:16.56
ain't gonna happen right
00:43:16.59\00:43:18.06
and he looked at me
00:43:18.09\00:43:21.43
and he said a
couple of choice words.
00:43:21.46\00:43:24.27
Signed it which didn't
really come out with me
00:43:24.30\00:43:27.30
disrespectfully
like that in those days,
00:43:27.34\00:43:29.60
so I took off his glasses
00:43:29.64\00:43:32.44
and I looked into
deep into his eyes.
00:43:32.47\00:43:33.81
And I said, "I know who you are,
00:43:33.84\00:43:35.71
and I appreciate you're
coming back at me like that,"
00:43:35.74\00:43:39.11
but I don't want
them, I don't need them.
00:43:39.15\00:43:41.72
And here's 20
bucks you can either...
00:43:41.75\00:43:43.52
get yourself some food
00:43:43.55\00:43:45.55
and here's a jacket
in case you're cold.
00:43:45.59\00:43:48.42
But you need to go
and never come back.
00:43:48.46\00:43:50.43
Now from that day,
00:43:50.46\00:43:51.89
I actually end up
staying in a drug dealer's house
00:43:51.93\00:43:54.36
who told me I will
not sell drugs to you.
00:43:54.40\00:43:57.13
You can stay here for free.
00:43:57.17\00:43:58.80
Watch my back, but I
will not give you drugs.
00:43:58.83\00:44:01.34
So I am gonna
stop you right here.
00:44:01.37\00:44:02.70
We are going to go out
00:44:02.74\00:44:04.77
and this is the
end of the segment,
00:44:04.81\00:44:06.64
the end of the program.
00:44:06.68\00:44:08.01
I love you, I
love that you're here,
00:44:08.04\00:44:09.88
I loved that we made
some difference in your life,
00:44:09.91\00:44:12.21
and I love that
00:44:12.25\00:44:13.58
you're out
there working for God.
00:44:13.62\00:44:15.08
But we're gonna take a
break, we're gonna come back.
00:44:15.12\00:44:16.99
I would like Nico
to come back with us.
00:44:17.02\00:44:19.99
That last thing that he wrote
00:44:20.02\00:44:22.06
one of the last things he wrote,
00:44:22.09\00:44:23.43
I want him to
share that with you,
00:44:23.46\00:44:24.93
but I also want you to
tell us a little bit more.
00:44:24.96\00:44:27.00
So stay with us and know that
00:44:27.03\00:44:29.23
God is bigger
than all of this stuff.
00:44:29.26\00:44:31.73
It's amazing
00:44:31.77\00:44:33.10
and he will pull you
right from the abyss.
00:44:33.13\00:44:35.24
We'll be right back.
00:44:35.27\00:44:36.60