The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome back, you know,
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I can't get over this scripture.
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I just got to
say it one more time
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but in a different version,
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so I wanted to
say Romans 2:4 is...
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Man, I just love this
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but it says in a
different version
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amplified "Or do
you have no regards
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for the wealth of His kindness."
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And so could you imagine
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the wealth of
the kindness of God,
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it's just, it's ridiculous
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and the tolerance
and patience that He has
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for each of us in
withholding His wrath.
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I really believe that
sin causes a reaction in God
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that it's really
tough for Him to watch
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as we destroy ourselves.
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It's really tough for Him
to watch us die or hurt others
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and all of that
kind of stuff so,
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you know, He
withholds all of that
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because of the blood of Christ
and because of redemption.
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I don't know about you
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but I wanna say,
"Amen" at end of the show.
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We don't need anything
more but that's not true,
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I want you to meet Connie,
"Are you actually unaware
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or ignorant of the
fact that's God's kindness
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leads us to repentance."
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Unaware, are we
ignorant of that,
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that is to
change your inner self,
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your old ways of thinking
to seek after a purpose in life
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that His kindness
tells all that kind of stuff,
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the Bible talks
about repentance is a gift.
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I can't muster it
up, I can't figure it out
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and there was a king,
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I don't know if
they actually know
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who wrote this letter
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but they think one of the
kings in the old testament
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wrote this thing on
repentance and he was so shocked
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that everything he
had done in his kingdom,
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everything that
he'd done in his life
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and he was really bad, I
mean, he was just a bad guy
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and when he finally
troops into the love of God
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and God gives him
the gift of repentance
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and he can turn
everything around
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and hand all of this
stuff that he had done to God,
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he said "How could
I thank you for that,
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how could I thank you for that
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because I couldn't
have made it any different
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and in fact, I can repent
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and surrender it
is absolutely huge.
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So I wanna introduce
you to my guest Connie,
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Connie Gilbert.
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You are amazing to me
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and the first time I
think I heard about you
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was from a book that
you wrote called "Scared."
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Secrets. Sacred secrets.
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Shedding the
shackles of my shame.
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And when you say, you know,
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shedding the
shackles of my shame,
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that's huge and that's exactly
what we're talking about today
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so I want you to
introduce yourself
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and just start to let us
know where do you come from,
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who are you?
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Okay, my name is Connie
Gilbert and I come from a family
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that knew
dysfunction on every level.
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I'm talking about physical,
emotional, mental, sexual,
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yeah and it was pure
hell for me growing up.
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So when in for a lot of
people, they don't get that,
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it's that when you
walk into your home
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and on every level, yeah,
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you're, you're,
what you're seeing,
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what your norm is
'cause this is you're norm,
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this is what you think
the world is, is so crazy,
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Yes, and actually what that
does it creates a lot of fear.
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So I grew up in fear
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you know, what is
it gonna be today,
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what's gonna
happen while I'm gone,
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what's gonna
happen when I come home?
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You know, it was hell.
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Yeah, you know, at one time
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and this is a crazy thing to say
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but I was in psych class, I
was getting a nursing license
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and, I mean, the psych class
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and they said that
they did these studies
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and the studies were,
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they were checking out
people that did psych testing
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and it's called a MMPI
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and different
categories of people were tested
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but now we have computers,
so they put in the test
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and they were
trying to figure out,
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what group is like
another group, right,
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and they found that kids
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from dysfunctional abusive homes
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tested almost the same
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as people concentration camps
that were facing were death.
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Wow!
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That's what I
said, I said, you know,
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when you said you were
terrified and that or fear
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but when all of sudden
I saw that in that report,
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is that you as a kid,
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you didn't know for
one moment to another,
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how you were gonna
survive that moment,
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I've gotta be on
guard all the time,
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I've gotta have my wits
about me at all of the time,
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I need to know what's the most
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or the least hurtful
situation right now for me.
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Right, and how to move,
you know, should I not say this
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or should I not do this or that,
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you know, and it's
amazing that comparison
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because I can be laid to death.
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Actually I didn't think I
would make it to adulthood,
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I thought that, you know,
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my life would end before I
could even become an adult.
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That I wouldn't
make it at the hands,
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of course, of my father.
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All right and so when
you talk about your father,
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can you give us a situation
of what the abuse was like
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and what did it look like?
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For example, after we
went to bed that night
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and he wasn't there
and he will come home,
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we would hear the
car pull up, you know,
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and immediately I
would start trembling,
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you know, it's like, oh,
oh, is he gonna beat us tonight,
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is he gonna beat
my mother tonight,
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you know, are we gonna be first
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or is she gonna
be first, you know...
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And you're already
in bed, already settled.
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Oh, absolutely.
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And he would
come in and, you know,
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we hear his foot
steps and he would come in
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and turn the light on
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and he would tell us
all to get up and line us up
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and we would take
our beatings, you know...
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For...
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For, nothing, you
know, he couldn't drink,
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when ever he drinks, he
would go into these rages,
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you know, and he
would just beat us
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because he was angry, you know,
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so and as such how
I grew to hate him.
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Right. I hated him.
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You know, I've got to say
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when you talk about as a
child you grew to hate him.
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I think what's crazy as a child,
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how old do you
remember first hating him?
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11.
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So 11 years old and we
could already in our mind,
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tell me if this
isn't true rehearse murder.
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Yes, I thought that I was
going to kill him one day.
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Yeah. Yes, I said it.
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I said, God, but you know what,
you didn't want that from me,
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you didn't want that,
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he intervened with
that but I knew I said,
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when I turned 18,
this is going to stop
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because I began to realize
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that I have
rights as a human being
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but I was so
messed up in the head
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from the dysfunction
that I didn't even realize
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that I'm a human
being and this is not normal
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and it has to stop and
I'm gonna stand up to him
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when I turned 18.
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It has to stop.
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So it was that, that was that
you're only abused growing up?
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You mean from
at his end? No. No.
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No, he made us take drugs,
you know, there was sexual,
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there were some
sexual, you know,
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'cause he didn't
know his borderlines,
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yeah, he had a lot of issues...
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When somebody says that,
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I know that for a normal person,
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they really feel
like that is crazy,
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that is crazy and, you
know, it's hard to believe
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but I know parents that
have given meth to their kids
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to shot up with their kids,
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definitely smoked
weed with their kids
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and you've gotta
just stop for a minute.
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If you are a parent doing that,
the grace of God is for you.
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God is for you so don't
shame yourself right now,
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we're not even
talking about this, Connie,
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I know to shame anybody.
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We're just saying
this is how it is.
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This is some of us literally
walk through some stuff
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that is so crazy that to survive
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is absolutely a miracle.
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Yes.
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So you've got a
dad that's beating you,
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he's offering you drugs or
it's definitely sexual abuse,
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you've got other
family members that are crazy
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as in their
dysfunction because kind of,
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once that every
thing is in motion,
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everybody kind of
plays their roles.
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Exactly and
that was our reality,
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you know, and I
remember thinking to myself,
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"Whoa, if there was a God
then why he is allowing this."
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You know, but as a child
and you do think as a child.
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You know, and of course,
as I grew in understanding
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then I realized
that I can't hate him,
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you know, so...
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We're gonna get to that. Okay.
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So even when you talk
about, even as a child
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there is sometimes
that you looked up and said,
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"I know this isn't right
and know this isn't normal."
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Did you have anybody that said
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there was a God or
there was a way out?
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Did you have any voice
of reason in your life?
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Yes, there was a neighbor.
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I remember her and
she is the one that said,
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you know, "Well, God loves
you" and I questioned that,
00:09:40.78\00:09:44.25
at 12 years old I said,
"Well, if there is a God,
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why is he allowing us to be
treated the way that we are."
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You know, and of
course, at that time...
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Cause even
you're neighbor knew...
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Oh, yeah. That
something's happening.
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You know, hear the
yelling, hear the craziness,
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know all that kind of stuff.
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They knew, the family
knew, the neighbors knew,
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that's why it wasn't a secret.
00:10:05.30\00:10:06.80
Yeah. Yeah.
00:10:06.84\00:10:08.77
So as you're
talking to this neighbor,
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what did she say?
00:10:12.41\00:10:13.74
Do you remember anything
00:10:13.78\00:10:15.11
that really kind
of stuck with you?
00:10:15.14\00:10:16.88
Yeah, that was
that God loves you,
00:10:16.91\00:10:19.55
God loves you and right now
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I don't have all
the answers for you,
00:10:21.62\00:10:23.82
you know, I can't stop the abuse
00:10:23.85\00:10:26.49
but someday you will understand.
00:10:26.52\00:10:29.79
You'll know. Yes.
00:10:29.82\00:10:31.86
And I love when
somebody's that honest with us
00:10:31.89\00:10:34.76
'cause I think that,
00:10:34.80\00:10:36.13
that we are
somehow under the illusion
00:10:36.16\00:10:40.44
that I just have to
say a scripture or two,
00:10:40.47\00:10:42.50
I just have to pray for someone
and their whole life changes
00:10:42.54\00:10:45.31
and sometime their life
doesn't changes for years.
00:10:45.34\00:10:47.78
We are in bondage like you said,
00:10:47.81\00:10:49.71
shackled by the shame,
00:10:49.74\00:10:51.65
I mean, it's a huge
thing and so but as a kid,
00:10:51.68\00:10:55.15
someone decided to look at
you and look at you with hope.
00:10:55.18\00:10:59.69
Yes.
00:10:59.72\00:11:01.06
That look, let me just
talk to somebody out there now.
00:11:01.09\00:11:05.33
That look, can you could
be with somebody a minute
00:11:05.36\00:11:09.36
and 20 years later, they would
get strength from that look
00:11:09.40\00:11:13.34
to change your life.
00:11:13.37\00:11:14.70
So man, don't think
that you have to do it all
00:11:14.74\00:11:16.71
or say it all but if
you see somebody in trouble,
00:11:16.74\00:11:19.67
man, let them know.
00:11:19.71\00:11:21.41
I don't have the answers,
00:11:21.44\00:11:23.11
I wish I could do
something right now
00:11:23.14\00:11:26.25
but you gotta
know there is a God.
00:11:26.28\00:11:27.82
Yes.
00:11:27.85\00:11:29.18
So you didn't
change at 12? Oh, no.
00:11:29.22\00:11:32.65
So what happened? You
know, the abuse continued.
00:11:32.69\00:11:36.73
Up until I was
about 18 years old
00:11:36.76\00:11:40.50
and that's when I
stood up to him and I said,
00:11:40.53\00:11:43.63
you know, this has
got to stop, you know,
00:11:43.67\00:11:47.04
but there was so
much that had transpired,
00:11:47.07\00:11:50.14
you know, through the years,
so much that was bottled up,
00:11:50.17\00:11:55.14
you know, that I just
began to just function
00:11:55.18\00:12:01.22
in the dysfunction,
you know, what I mean...
00:12:01.25\00:12:03.49
Were you still in school,
still doing all that stuff?
00:12:03.52\00:12:05.82
I was, well, of course,
I was out of high school
00:12:05.85\00:12:09.19
then attempting to go to
college but you know what,
00:12:09.22\00:12:12.06
I was so messed up, I
couldn't go to school.
00:12:12.09\00:12:15.20
I was so messed up
because things were,
00:12:15.23\00:12:18.20
we were still in it, you know,
00:12:18.23\00:12:19.87
my parents were still together
and so I couldn't do it,
00:12:19.90\00:12:24.74
I just couldn't do
it, I had no peace.
00:12:24.77\00:12:27.71
I just, you know,
what I just love about you
00:12:27.74\00:12:30.81
'cause, you know, I
was one of those kids,
00:12:30.85\00:12:34.18
is that I don't think
the world has any idea
00:12:34.22\00:12:36.85
when you walk around and try
to be as normal as you can be
00:12:36.89\00:12:40.46
and then you walk it to the home
00:12:40.49\00:12:41.89
in that much dysfunction,
00:12:41.92\00:12:43.49
it is like two
different universes.
00:12:43.53\00:12:45.99
Worlds. Yeah.
00:12:46.03\00:12:47.40
Yes, and I was
still living in it
00:12:47.43\00:12:49.26
and trying to
function in a world,
00:12:49.30\00:12:50.87
it's like not having
the proper tools to go out
00:12:50.90\00:12:54.50
and be a functioning
person in society successfully,
00:12:54.54\00:12:59.47
you know, it just
wasn't happening for me.
00:12:59.51\00:13:01.98
So what was your drug use
00:13:02.01\00:13:04.45
and that kind of
stuff at this time?
00:13:04.48\00:13:06.55
At that time, it was marijuana.
00:13:06.58\00:13:08.95
Okay, just smoking some weed.
00:13:08.98\00:13:10.49
Yeah, that was it, yeah.
00:13:10.52\00:13:12.59
And I didn't venture
into cocaine until my...
00:13:12.62\00:13:16.39
later when they
got it, in my late 20s.
00:13:16.42\00:13:19.79
That's unusual to
jump in that lane?
00:13:19.83\00:13:22.13
Yeah, it was the
late 20s, also by 25,
00:13:22.16\00:13:25.33
I started
fooling with the cocaine.
00:13:25.37\00:13:27.44
Did you leave home
at 18? No, I didn't.
00:13:27.47\00:13:32.67
Yeah, I want to shake you
but I know, it's almost like,
00:13:32.71\00:13:35.81
would like again when we really,
00:13:35.84\00:13:39.11
we don't know how to walk away,
00:13:39.15\00:13:40.65
we don't know how to do anything
00:13:40.68\00:13:42.02
like you try to set
some boundaries at 18 like,
00:13:42.05\00:13:44.69
you know, for some
reason you put that in your head
00:13:44.72\00:13:46.69
like you're not
gonna hurt me anymore.
00:13:46.72\00:13:48.62
But the reason is because I felt
00:13:48.66\00:13:50.26
I was my mother's protector.
00:13:50.29\00:13:52.19
So I didn't wanna
leave her or my siblings
00:13:52.23\00:13:54.70
because at this point
I'm the oldest at home...
00:13:54.73\00:13:56.70
Yeah.
00:13:56.73\00:13:58.07
You see, so I felt
an obligation to them
00:13:58.10\00:14:00.74
and it's like where
am I going, you know,
00:14:00.77\00:14:03.44
what am I gonna do?
00:14:03.47\00:14:04.81
No, I have to
stay with my mother,
00:14:04.84\00:14:06.78
I have to protect her because
she's still with this abuser.
00:14:06.81\00:14:12.45
So you are there,
00:14:12.48\00:14:16.45
what did your
journey look like from there
00:14:16.48\00:14:20.09
'cause now you're
kind of stepping out
00:14:20.12\00:14:21.46
into the world on your own.
00:14:21.49\00:14:23.39
Attempting to, you know,
00:14:23.43\00:14:28.03
Cheri, I was so messed
up, I couldn't even hold...
00:14:28.06\00:14:31.33
What is messed up look like?
00:14:31.37\00:14:35.90
You said that for few
times. Right, my self-esteem.
00:14:35.94\00:14:38.67
It wasn't the
drugs that it damaged me,
00:14:38.71\00:14:41.01
it was the abuse that had
me so damaged emotionally,
00:14:41.04\00:14:45.68
you know, I was a nervous wreak
00:14:45.71\00:14:47.62
and so it took to
try to hold on a job,
00:14:47.65\00:14:51.35
I just couldn't do it.
00:14:51.39\00:14:53.39
I really needed help
at that point in my life,
00:14:53.42\00:14:56.66
you know, but of
course, I wasn't seeking it,
00:14:56.69\00:15:00.63
you know, I wasn't seeking help
00:15:00.66\00:15:02.20
because I felt like I
had to be there with mother,
00:15:02.23\00:15:05.40
I had to
protector her, you know,
00:15:05.43\00:15:08.20
and I felt so inadequate,
I felt so inadequate,
00:15:08.24\00:15:11.67
my self-esteem was
shot, you know so...
00:15:11.71\00:15:15.41
I'm gonna tell
you something about me
00:15:15.44\00:15:17.15
and tell me if
you can relate to it.
00:15:17.18\00:15:19.48
I get offered drugs, somebody
says just stop taking drugs,
00:15:19.51\00:15:22.18
you're gonna be normal, right.
00:15:22.22\00:15:23.82
I got offered drugs, I
was crazy, I was crazy,
00:15:23.85\00:15:27.62
not normal but I
remember I meet my husband
00:15:27.66\00:15:32.29
whose dad's an ambassador
for the United States,
00:15:32.33\00:15:35.16
mom's a violinist, she
teaches at the University
00:15:35.20\00:15:37.90
and I could not
speak in front of him.
00:15:37.93\00:15:41.30
I could not
speak in front of them,
00:15:41.34\00:15:42.94
I would go to symphony functions
00:15:42.97\00:15:44.81
because he was a trumpet
player and I would shake so much
00:15:44.84\00:15:49.91
or have so much anxiety
as I would have to leave
00:15:49.94\00:15:52.81
and he would even say,
"I can't have you in my life
00:15:52.85\00:15:56.05
'cause for whatever reason
00:15:56.08\00:15:57.89
you can't even speak in
front of normal people."
00:15:57.92\00:16:00.66
I saw somebody playing
darts one time and I thought,
00:16:00.69\00:16:02.86
you know, well, I play darts
00:16:02.89\00:16:04.53
and so I can get
rid of this social stuff
00:16:04.56\00:16:06.83
'cause I don't have any
tools and I threw the dart
00:16:06.86\00:16:10.13
and I forgot how to add.
00:16:10.17\00:16:12.23
Oh, wow!
00:16:12.27\00:16:13.60
I know, and I'm thinking
so when people say inadequate,
00:16:13.64\00:16:17.24
when people say that I
just don't have that sense
00:16:17.27\00:16:20.28
and that anxiety comes up,
00:16:20.31\00:16:22.08
it's real and it's
huge and it's stabilitating.
00:16:22.11\00:16:25.98
Yes, and that's what I
felt, those anxieties, you know,
00:16:26.01\00:16:31.69
I remember one day, my
father wanted some money
00:16:31.72\00:16:36.42
to buy more drugs, you
know, he came after my mother,
00:16:36.46\00:16:40.90
you know, for money, money
00:16:40.93\00:16:42.26
and finally I
said, "You know what?
00:16:42.30\00:16:43.63
She has no more money, why
don't you leave her alone."
00:16:43.67\00:16:46.97
And of course, we
got into this big fight
00:16:47.00\00:16:49.00
but I stood up to him
00:16:49.04\00:16:50.47
and I remember her
having a nervous break down
00:16:50.51\00:16:54.44
and she ran to the bedroom
00:16:54.48\00:16:55.98
and I knew we had
a gun in the house
00:16:56.01\00:16:57.75
and I ran behind my mother.
00:16:57.78\00:16:59.61
She said, "I
can't take this anymore
00:16:59.65\00:17:01.78
and I'm gonna kill
myself," so she grabbed the gun
00:17:01.82\00:17:04.69
and she took it to
her head and I grabbed her
00:17:04.72\00:17:08.32
and I took it, the gun from her
00:17:08.36\00:17:09.99
and I remember hiding the
gun and then stop, stopping
00:17:10.03\00:17:14.23
and I looked in the mirror
and I was shaking like this
00:17:14.26\00:17:17.77
and I said,
"God, I can't do this,
00:17:17.80\00:17:20.07
this is just to much for me,"
00:17:20.10\00:17:21.54
so I was still living
with all of those anxiety
00:17:21.57\00:17:24.71
so I would have anxiety attacks,
00:17:24.74\00:17:26.34
I mean, I was trying
to go to job interviews,
00:17:26.37\00:17:28.04
so I had to fill out
the application, you know,
00:17:28.08\00:17:30.35
I was just
totally shocked, right.
00:17:30.38\00:17:33.11
So it sounds like
you went from all of that
00:17:33.15\00:17:36.42
and then jumped
right into like coke
00:17:36.45\00:17:39.09
and different things that
are going to appear to help
00:17:39.12\00:17:43.96
and I get that but,
you know, I wanna say
00:17:43.99\00:17:46.80
and I've said on
a number of programs
00:17:46.83\00:17:49.06
is that, you
know, drugs, alcohol,
00:17:49.10\00:17:51.97
they are seductive lovers.
00:17:52.00\00:17:53.94
They would lie to you in
ways you can't even understand
00:17:53.97\00:17:57.77
and we're feeling all that
like we finally got it together,
00:17:57.81\00:18:01.58
I finally have some
power, I finally have control
00:18:01.61\00:18:03.91
and I'm surrendering
every last bit of control I had.
00:18:03.95\00:18:08.18
Absolutely and
actually, it made me feel good
00:18:08.22\00:18:10.99
because I felt like,
"Okay, I'm talking about this
00:18:11.02\00:18:13.12
so I'm must be getting
better, I'm okay," you know...
00:18:13.15\00:18:16.79
I'm meeting friends,
I'm hanging out with folks.
00:18:16.83\00:18:19.13
Exactly, didn't
know that it was actually
00:18:19.16\00:18:21.36
just opening the door
to other vices, you know,
00:18:21.40\00:18:26.63
but I just want to
say that growing up,
00:18:26.67\00:18:32.77
you know, naturally we
look to our mothers, you know,
00:18:32.81\00:18:37.45
to protect us and
to keep us from harm,
00:18:37.48\00:18:41.92
you know, but that
was one of the things
00:18:41.95\00:18:44.59
that I didn't
get from my mother,
00:18:44.62\00:18:47.22
you know, I didn't get that.
00:18:47.26\00:18:48.82
I couldn't
understand why she stayed
00:18:48.86\00:18:53.26
and even why today...
00:18:53.29\00:18:55.26
'Cause she's
still there? Okay. No.
00:18:55.30\00:18:57.50
No, well, he is
deceased, you know,
00:18:57.53\00:19:01.77
but she stayed and
she stayed and she stayed
00:19:01.80\00:19:04.11
and I kept asking, you
know, "Why didn't you leave?"
00:19:04.14\00:19:08.01
and that's something
that she still can't answer,
00:19:08.04\00:19:11.71
she cannot answer that question.
00:19:11.75\00:19:13.75
You know I would love
00:19:13.78\00:19:15.12
if God himself could
answer that question.
00:19:15.15\00:19:17.49
It's that we don't have tools,
00:19:17.52\00:19:19.02
nobody's told us
that we don't deserve
00:19:19.05\00:19:20.86
to be treated like this,
00:19:20.89\00:19:22.22
we don't know
that there's a world
00:19:22.26\00:19:23.99
that's safer out there,
00:19:24.03\00:19:25.43
I don't know I'm
scared I won't fit anywhere
00:19:25.46\00:19:27.70
and that's how we don't
move from where we're at.
00:19:27.73\00:19:29.86
So to me even with
you, your mom or myself
00:19:29.90\00:19:33.84
or anybody that
I worked with is,
00:19:33.87\00:19:36.91
it absolutely is we don't
dare to dream about anything,
00:19:36.94\00:19:40.48
we don't think about anything,
we just try to survive today.
00:19:40.51\00:19:43.88
Right.
00:19:43.91\00:19:45.25
I'm just thinking about today,
so your survival became drugs.
00:19:45.28\00:19:48.35
You literally opened
up a home to other world,
00:19:48.38\00:19:50.62
where did that world take you?
00:19:50.65\00:19:52.32
Ooh, well, of
course, to more drug use
00:19:52.35\00:19:55.02
to drug dealing, you know,
I mean, where there's drugs,
00:19:55.06\00:20:01.06
there's usually sexual,
you know, parties going on,
00:20:01.10\00:20:04.63
you know, man with
man, woman with woman...
00:20:04.67\00:20:06.00
Relationships with each other...
00:20:06.03\00:20:07.37
All of that stuff.
00:20:07.40\00:20:08.74
Yeah, you know, so
and that's the world,
00:20:08.77\00:20:10.71
that became my life, you know.
00:20:10.74\00:20:15.01
Can you, can you,
do you ever get a sense
00:20:15.04\00:20:17.61
that you just
wanna tell some one
00:20:17.65\00:20:19.45
is I don't think I could
have chose anything else.
00:20:19.48\00:20:21.58
I think this is
what I would knew,
00:20:21.62\00:20:23.79
this is what I was groomed
for since I was a little kid,
00:20:23.82\00:20:26.96
'cause somebody wants to judge
00:20:26.99\00:20:28.32
and I'm so glad like
when we talk about Romans
00:20:28.36\00:20:30.59
and when we talk
about God, is God said,
00:20:30.63\00:20:32.49
the angels aren't
even judging right now.
00:20:32.53\00:20:35.23
There was so much
damage, so much damage.
00:20:35.26\00:20:38.77
Right, because we didn't
have to go to the streets,
00:20:38.80\00:20:41.74
the streets were bought to us.
00:20:41.77\00:20:43.27
Yeah, they were in my
home. Yeah, so we already knew.
00:20:43.30\00:20:46.31
So that was natural for
us, why wouldn't we do drugs?
00:20:46.34\00:20:50.28
You know, and so
that became my life,
00:20:50.31\00:20:53.11
that seemed normal for
me until I knew better.
00:20:53.15\00:20:56.95
Yeah, and when we
talk about powerlessness
00:20:56.99\00:21:00.42
or control issues, as a dealer
you're the one in control.
00:21:00.46\00:21:05.59
In our sexuality
sometimes, we are in control.
00:21:05.63\00:21:09.46
You know what I mean. Yeah.
00:21:09.50\00:21:10.83
And it feels
that way and for you
00:21:10.87\00:21:13.23
even from what I've
heard Connie is that,
00:21:13.27\00:21:16.20
that sense of
not being in control
00:21:16.24\00:21:17.84
and not having any of
that, when you felt that power
00:21:17.87\00:21:23.78
that had to be more
seductive than the drug.
00:21:23.81\00:21:26.65
Yeah, it was.
00:21:26.68\00:21:28.15
It was and to me it's
like, " Okay, well, this is me."
00:21:28.18\00:21:31.05
Yeah.
00:21:31.09\00:21:32.42
You know, it has to be
because I'm in control,
00:21:32.45\00:21:36.42
I'm in control not the drugs.
00:21:36.46\00:21:38.26
And you're not gonna hurt me.
00:21:38.29\00:21:39.63
Right, you're not
gonna hurt me anymore,
00:21:39.66\00:21:41.86
you know, because I did
have a issue with trusting,
00:21:41.90\00:21:44.63
you know, but that
completely went out the window,
00:21:44.67\00:21:48.14
you know, so...
00:21:48.17\00:21:49.50
Within what
addictions, addictions
00:21:49.54\00:21:51.07
and we have a whole
teaching on our website,
00:21:51.11\00:21:54.24
if anybody wants to
get in touch with us,
00:21:54.28\00:21:56.34
you know, just
come to the website.
00:21:56.38\00:21:58.61
We have whole teachings on that,
00:21:58.65\00:22:00.48
is that when we
step into addictions,
00:22:00.52\00:22:02.72
what I trust
00:22:02.75\00:22:04.09
is 27 minutes after I
take this drug I feel better,
00:22:04.12\00:22:07.46
that's what I trust.
00:22:07.49\00:22:08.82
Do I trust this
fool that I'm dating?
00:22:08.86\00:22:10.39
Nope.
00:22:10.43\00:22:11.76
But this drug, I can tell
you from that minute I take it,
00:22:11.79\00:22:15.96
what's gonna happen
and my trust and my love
00:22:16.00\00:22:18.63
and my relationship
becomes the addiction
00:22:18.67\00:22:21.77
and so it's really tough
when you've got that much shame
00:22:21.80\00:22:25.14
and that much stuff is
because when something works
00:22:25.17\00:22:28.58
and I get a break, I'm in love.
00:22:28.61\00:22:31.38
I was a type of addict
that got high alone, you know,
00:22:31.41\00:22:35.55
and in those alone moments,
00:22:35.58\00:22:37.99
I would go back to my childhood,
00:22:38.02\00:22:40.66
you know, I would
go back to the day
00:22:40.69\00:22:42.22
that I walked into
the bedroom with my mother
00:22:42.26\00:22:44.99
and found my father in bed
with my sister, you know,...
00:22:45.03\00:22:48.96
I can't even imagine,
I can imagine the trauma
00:22:49.00\00:22:52.33
and when you said, I'm
like the kind of addict
00:22:52.37\00:22:54.14
that gets high alone,
it's like I don't wanna,
00:22:54.17\00:22:56.97
I'm trying to
escape those things.
00:22:57.01\00:22:59.81
Yes and yet I will still
going back to that, you know,
00:22:59.84\00:23:04.21
but I thought to myself,
00:23:04.25\00:23:05.58
"Well, this is a
way of working it out,
00:23:05.61\00:23:08.32
if I go back and I rethink this
00:23:08.35\00:23:11.35
and so now I can come up
with some valid questions
00:23:11.39\00:23:15.56
as to, why did you stay?
00:23:15.59\00:23:17.93
Why did you send her away?
00:23:17.96\00:23:19.69
Why did you stay and leave
us subjective to the same abuse
00:23:19.73\00:23:24.10
when you know in fact,
00:23:24.13\00:23:25.57
that he was in bed
with your daughter?
00:23:25.60\00:23:28.17
You know, and not only that,
other females in the family,
00:23:28.20\00:23:32.04
you know, so he
had no boundaries
00:23:32.07\00:23:34.24
and my mother knew his sickness,
00:23:34.28\00:23:36.48
she knew he was sick
00:23:36.51\00:23:37.85
and to me she felt
as though I can fix him.
00:23:37.88\00:23:40.72
What did she say to you
00:23:40.75\00:23:42.08
when you said,
"Why did you stay?
00:23:42.12\00:23:43.45
Why didn't you protect me?"
00:23:43.49\00:23:46.55
I don't know. Yeah.
00:23:46.59\00:23:48.19
I thought that was
the best thing to do
00:23:48.22\00:23:49.66
would to be to
send your sister away
00:23:49.69\00:23:51.16
because just like that,
00:23:51.19\00:23:52.53
she's out of the home
and now I'm the oldest
00:23:52.56\00:23:55.66
and I'm thinking to myself,
00:23:55.70\00:23:57.03
"Well, I know she
didn't do anything wrong,
00:23:57.07\00:23:59.23
why did you send her away?"
00:23:59.27\00:24:01.00
You know...
00:24:01.04\00:24:02.37
And when are you
gonna send me away?
00:24:02.40\00:24:04.11
And so when I actually felt
00:24:04.14\00:24:07.91
that I had been
violated during my sleep,
00:24:07.94\00:24:11.28
I got up and I
went to the bathroom
00:24:11.31\00:24:14.35
and my mother was
in it fixing her hair,
00:24:14.38\00:24:16.92
combing her hair
doing something and I said,
00:24:16.95\00:24:19.22
"I feel like..."
00:24:19.25\00:24:20.96
and she said,
"You feel like what?"
00:24:20.99\00:24:22.82
and she put fear in me
00:24:22.86\00:24:24.19
and I was afraid
to tell her the truth.
00:24:24.23\00:24:25.73
I said, "Oh, I felt like I
went to the bathroom on myself
00:24:25.76\00:24:28.93
but what I really
wanted to say was,
00:24:28.96\00:24:30.77
I felt like I'd had sex."
00:24:30.80\00:24:32.73
I'm sick, mom.
00:24:32.77\00:24:34.17
Yeah, I felt like
something had been inside me,
00:24:34.20\00:24:37.34
something, someone touched me,
did something that wasn't right
00:24:37.37\00:24:40.88
but I was afraid
to tell her the truth.
00:24:40.91\00:24:43.58
So in that reality,
00:24:43.61\00:24:45.91
we run as fast
and as far as we can
00:24:45.95\00:24:48.95
and if we can't physically
run, we'll use, we'll cut,
00:24:48.98\00:24:54.32
we'll jump into relationships
and we start acting crazy
00:24:54.36\00:24:57.83
and everybody wants to
say, " Hey man, look at her.
00:24:57.86\00:25:00.56
It's her fault," and so
it sounds like that's exactly
00:25:00.60\00:25:03.77
what happened as
you jumped into a world
00:25:03.80\00:25:05.57
that was addict controlled.
00:25:05.60\00:25:06.94
Yes.
00:25:06.97\00:25:08.30
And you took
control by your dealing.
00:25:08.34\00:25:10.44
Oh, yeah, and I'm like,
"Oh, this is, this is the life,
00:25:10.47\00:25:13.31
you know, I can buy
the clothes I want, I can,
00:25:13.34\00:25:17.45
you know, buy vehicles.
00:25:17.48\00:25:19.11
I can go here, I can
do that," you know...
00:25:19.15\00:25:22.18
I can dress this
little wounded child up.
00:25:22.22\00:25:24.79
Ooh, yes, and I
remember one day,
00:25:24.82\00:25:28.66
after getting
dressed, having my hair done
00:25:28.69\00:25:31.06
and I stood there
looking in the mirror
00:25:31.09\00:25:33.33
and he said, God said, "Connie,
00:25:33.36\00:25:36.67
you're always naked in my
eyes, you're always naked."
00:25:36.70\00:25:41.07
What did he mean by that
00:25:41.10\00:25:42.44
'cause he didn't mean
same thing as your dad meant?
00:25:42.47\00:25:44.24
No, he meant that
00:25:44.27\00:25:46.07
no matter how you try
to cover up your pain,
00:25:46.11\00:25:49.64
look, I see it.
00:25:49.68\00:25:51.38
Other people may not see it
but I see how you're hurting
00:25:51.41\00:25:54.45
and I know you, I know
you and I know you're hurting.
00:25:54.48\00:25:59.55
And I'm crazy about you.
00:25:59.59\00:26:01.06
Yes, and I know
that God loves me.
00:26:01.09\00:26:03.09
So how did you get
from all of this craziness,
00:26:03.12\00:26:06.70
all of this pain, all
of this stuff to a place
00:26:06.73\00:26:09.53
where you can start
to hear God in a way
00:26:09.56\00:26:13.13
that is wooing you to Himself.
00:26:13.17\00:26:17.74
I mean, how did that
recovery time look round
00:26:17.77\00:26:20.88
'cause I'm thinking
for you to even be here,
00:26:20.91\00:26:23.38
absolute miracle.
00:26:23.41\00:26:24.75
Yes, I got sick and
tired of being sick and tried,
00:26:24.78\00:26:27.05
you know, this thing...
00:26:27.08\00:26:28.42
Hello?
00:26:28.45\00:26:29.78
I was, I was like I am so tired
00:26:29.82\00:26:31.62
and I remember
getting in a phonebook out
00:26:31.65\00:26:34.46
and looking for a rehab place.
00:26:34.49\00:26:36.49
You're...
00:26:36.52\00:26:37.86
nobody saying you,
it's like, excuse me...
00:26:37.89\00:26:40.50
there's got to be
some place I can go.
00:26:40.53\00:26:41.86
I said, I gotta get help.
00:26:41.90\00:26:43.23
I said because I'm tired of this
00:26:43.26\00:26:45.33
and I'm killing
myself, you know,
00:26:45.37\00:26:47.64
and I'm not gonna be
here for my children,
00:26:47.67\00:26:50.97
I had two small boys then.
00:26:51.01\00:26:52.44
Yeah, and I said
I'm not gonna be,
00:26:53.24\00:26:54.58
I'm here physically
but I'm not here with them.
00:26:54.61\00:26:57.08
I'm not here emotionally
and mentally I'm not here,
00:26:57.11\00:27:00.15
you know, 'cause I'm
still this wounded person.
00:27:00.18\00:27:02.52
They're gonna have the same life
00:27:02.55\00:27:03.89
that I had back, you know.
00:27:03.92\00:27:05.25
Exactly, you know,
and I can do better,
00:27:05.29\00:27:07.66
I want to do better, I don't
want this psycho to continue,
00:27:07.69\00:27:11.59
you know, so I
remember looking for a rehab
00:27:11.63\00:27:14.53
and I called several numbers
00:27:14.56\00:27:15.90
and they want to
put me on a waiting list
00:27:15.93\00:27:18.00
and I remember
saying a praying like,
00:27:18.03\00:27:19.63
"God, I need somewhere
to go today, you know and...
00:27:19.67\00:27:22.60
Don't have me wait.
00:27:22.64\00:27:23.97
No and I picked up a news paper
00:27:24.01\00:27:26.01
and on the front page was a
article about a rehab center
00:27:26.04\00:27:29.84
and I called
them and they told me,
00:27:29.88\00:27:31.38
I can come today.
00:27:31.41\00:27:33.05
Amen.
00:27:33.08\00:27:34.42
And I picked up that phone,
I called my mother, I said,
00:27:34.45\00:27:36.52
"I found a place."
00:27:36.55\00:27:37.95
And she says, it must
have been on a Wednesday.
00:27:37.99\00:27:39.95
She said, "Why don't
you wait till Friday."
00:27:39.99\00:27:41.39
I said, "For what?"
00:27:41.42\00:27:42.92
I said, "Just give me
two more days to get out,"
00:27:42.96\00:27:45.79
I said 'cause I'm
gonna do it, I said,
00:27:45.83\00:27:47.90
"No I wanna go today.
00:27:47.93\00:27:49.86
I wanna do this.
00:27:49.90\00:27:51.27
I've got to get cleaned,
I wanna stop getting high
00:27:51.30\00:27:55.10
and I wanna know why?"
00:27:55.14\00:27:56.47
Amen. So you end
up at a rehab place?
00:27:57.37\00:28:01.21
Yes. On Wednesday?
00:28:01.24\00:28:03.71
But you know what? I relapsed.
00:28:03.75\00:28:05.91
I went back because my,
00:28:05.95\00:28:10.85
I hadn't gotten
to the end of myself,
00:28:10.89\00:28:12.75
I'm thinking, I'm
exercising my will power,
00:28:12.79\00:28:15.29
I can do this, I
can stop doing this drug
00:28:15.32\00:28:17.66
with a little counseling,
a little spirituality,
00:28:17.69\00:28:20.20
you know...
00:28:20.23\00:28:21.56
Give me some tools, few
tools. Right, I can do this.
00:28:21.60\00:28:23.87
It doesn't work that way,
00:28:23.90\00:28:25.23
you have to come
to the end of yourself
00:28:25.27\00:28:27.07
and say, "You know what, God.
00:28:27.10\00:28:28.47
I need you." I can't do this.
00:28:28.50\00:28:30.94
Right, and I
can't do this alone.
00:28:30.97\00:28:32.54
I'm powerless.
00:28:32.57\00:28:33.91
Right, and I need to
know, I need His strength
00:28:33.94\00:28:37.18
but I wasn't
relying on His strength,
00:28:37.21\00:28:39.25
I was relying on myself.
00:28:39.28\00:28:40.95
But you know what?
00:28:40.98\00:28:42.32
You know, I love
when you say that
00:28:42.35\00:28:43.69
'cause as a little
kid that, you know,
00:28:43.72\00:28:45.35
if you didn't rely on yourself,
00:28:45.39\00:28:46.72
you wouldn't even have
been as safe as you were.
00:28:46.76\00:28:49.62
So when God says,
"I've got to get this kid
00:28:49.66\00:28:52.23
that nobody has taken care of,
00:28:52.26\00:28:53.90
that nobody has done
the right thing to that
00:28:53.93\00:28:56.06
she has heart to figure out
00:28:56.10\00:28:57.80
from the time she was
two, three, five years old,
00:28:57.83\00:29:00.77
had to do it herself and I've
got to get her to know that,
00:29:00.80\00:29:04.64
that won't work this time."
00:29:04.67\00:29:06.31
That's, you know,
and I go back to Romans.
00:29:06.34\00:29:09.28
Man, God just
hangs in there with us.
00:29:09.31\00:29:12.55
And says over and over
and over through my kindness,
00:29:12.58\00:29:15.48
we're gonna see that,
that I'll do it for you.
00:29:15.52\00:29:18.19
Yes, yes, and then when
God began to be kind to me,
00:29:18.22\00:29:21.56
good to me and I
knew that He was real.
00:29:21.59\00:29:24.36
It made me love Him more.
00:29:24.39\00:29:26.76
Tell me something that
happened that you knew,
00:29:26.80\00:29:29.83
that this is God in me?
00:29:29.86\00:29:33.90
It's hard to think
about it. There are so many.
00:29:33.94\00:29:35.27
I know. Yes.
00:29:35.30\00:29:37.71
You know, I would have
to say just sparing my life,
00:29:37.74\00:29:42.28
the fact that, you know,
00:29:42.31\00:29:43.91
I would do so
many of these drugs
00:29:43.95\00:29:45.51
that my brain was
numb and it's like,
00:29:45.55\00:29:48.12
"Why am I still getting high?
00:29:48.15\00:29:49.48
I'm not getting any higher,
00:29:49.52\00:29:50.85
I'm actually short circuiting
myself and any moment..."
00:29:50.89\00:29:53.62
And you can feel that.
00:29:53.66\00:29:54.99
Yes, 'cause you're
out of touch with reality.
00:29:55.02\00:29:57.83
You know, and I'm like,
00:29:57.86\00:29:59.19
"I've got to stop
this God, I've got."
00:29:59.23\00:30:01.50
And I remember praying, I said,
"Lord, send some one my way.
00:30:01.53\00:30:05.20
God, please, you
said that if we seek you,
00:30:05.23\00:30:07.74
if we draw near to you,
you would draw near to us
00:30:07.77\00:30:10.31
and that we just search you,
00:30:10.34\00:30:12.64
that you would
send some one our way."
00:30:12.67\00:30:14.98
And he did. So you know what?
00:30:15.01\00:30:16.58
I just love the fact, you know,
00:30:16.61\00:30:19.95
and I don't wanna discount
anything but I love the fact
00:30:19.98\00:30:25.99
that you've got this
druggy that is so high,
00:30:26.02\00:30:29.89
things are short circuiting
00:30:29.92\00:30:31.86
and I'm quoting
scripture to God.
00:30:31.89\00:30:34.63
I'm saying, "God, you said."
00:30:34.66\00:30:37.03
And God listens
and wants to listen.
00:30:37.07\00:30:40.40
Yes, yes.
00:30:40.44\00:30:41.77
You know, I feel like, you know,
00:30:41.80\00:30:43.14
somebody once
said that's not right,
00:30:43.17\00:30:45.11
that can't be right.
00:30:45.14\00:30:46.47
Man, go back to Romans 2:4,
00:30:46.51\00:30:48.58
"Do you despise
the kindness of God,
00:30:48.61\00:30:51.21
because the
kindness of God says,
00:30:51.25\00:30:54.02
most people in the flesh
00:30:54.05\00:30:56.52
would not
tolerate that craziness."
00:30:56.55\00:30:58.95
And God says, not
only will I tolerate it
00:30:58.99\00:31:01.22
but I will be
right there beside her.
00:31:01.26\00:31:03.66
Yes, because I told myself,
"God, you don't even love me,
00:31:03.69\00:31:08.06
you know, God,
why would you love me?
00:31:08.10\00:31:10.37
I'm a mess, you know,
but I didn't know that,
00:31:10.40\00:31:13.54
that's what he wants.
00:31:13.57\00:31:14.90
The mess, he wants the mess.
00:31:14.94\00:31:16.64
Yeah.
00:31:16.67\00:31:18.17
I don't wanna
redeem your future self,
00:31:18.21\00:31:19.54
I wanna redeem you.
00:31:19.57\00:31:21.04
Right. Yeah.
00:31:21.08\00:31:22.48
Yeah, so it was an
amazing transformation for me.
00:31:22.51\00:31:26.55
So little by little, you
start to, you go to rehab,
00:31:26.58\00:31:30.69
you've relapsed
and for most of us
00:31:30.72\00:31:33.92
we relapse sometimes
three to seven times.
00:31:33.96\00:31:37.43
It's not that we
relapse once or twice...
00:31:37.46\00:31:39.46
Oh, and I did.
00:31:39.49\00:31:40.83
Okay, so if somebody says,
00:31:40.86\00:31:42.83
"Okay, I thought
it was real for her
00:31:42.86\00:31:44.20
and she's gone.
00:31:44.23\00:31:45.57
No, no, it was real for
her since she was a baby."
00:31:45.60\00:31:48.17
And you know what?
00:31:48.20\00:31:49.54
I continued to use
drugs for over 20 years.
00:31:49.57\00:31:52.51
Oh, man.
00:31:52.54\00:31:53.88
Yes, I continue off and on to...
00:31:53.91\00:31:56.44
To know the pain
that came with it.
00:31:56.48\00:31:58.21
Yep, but I had to
come to the end of myself.
00:31:58.25\00:32:01.98
What was the end of self?
00:32:02.02\00:32:05.85
The end of self was saying,
00:32:05.89\00:32:09.52
"Look, look what you
have attempted to accomplish
00:32:09.56\00:32:13.40
but you haven't.
00:32:13.43\00:32:14.76
But God can, God can and
you can do this, Connie."
00:32:15.13\00:32:18.87
I kept saying, "You can do this,
00:32:18.90\00:32:20.97
you can" because I
thought nothing what ever good,
00:32:21.00\00:32:24.51
whatever
happened to me in my life,
00:32:24.54\00:32:26.07
we had so much tragedy,
00:32:26.11\00:32:28.01
you know, like nothing's
good gonna happen to me.
00:32:28.04\00:32:31.11
It'll happens to other people.
00:32:31.15\00:32:32.65
Not to me, you know,
I'm not special enough.
00:32:32.68\00:32:35.45
Yeah.
00:32:35.48\00:32:36.82
You know, but that's
not what His Word says.
00:32:36.85\00:32:40.36
All right. That's
not what His Word says.
00:32:40.39\00:32:42.46
He said," I saw you
formed in your mother's womb"
00:32:42.49\00:32:45.29
and if you saw that,
00:32:45.33\00:32:46.66
you knew all
those things about me,
00:32:46.70\00:32:48.16
then you knew I
would do these things
00:32:48.20\00:32:50.43
and you knew that I
will come to this point
00:32:50.47\00:32:52.70
that I will rely on
you totally and surrender
00:32:52.73\00:32:56.44
and that's what
got me to this point.
00:32:56.47\00:32:58.14
I just had to surrender. Amen.
00:32:58.17\00:33:00.21
So now this is my favorite part,
00:33:00.24\00:33:02.74
is what did surrender look like
00:33:02.78\00:33:06.28
and as God started showing
you who you are as His child
00:33:06.31\00:33:13.25
and 'cause you've been shown
a lot of garbage up until then,
00:33:13.29\00:33:16.73
a lot of lies up until
then, when God started saying,
00:33:16.76\00:33:19.63
"Look, can I
show you who you are?"
00:33:19.66\00:33:21.43
What was that like?
00:33:21.46\00:33:22.86
Well, you know, the
more I got into His Word
00:33:22.90\00:33:26.03
is when I really
began to see who God,
00:33:26.07\00:33:29.07
I really didn't know God.
00:33:29.10\00:33:30.81
I would call His name
but I didn't believe no God
00:33:30.84\00:33:33.54
and there's no way I
could get to know Him
00:33:33.58\00:33:35.51
unless I read His
Word, so as I read His Word
00:33:35.54\00:33:38.41
then His Word began
to come alive for me
00:33:38.45\00:33:42.08
and I remember the
Scripture where he says,
00:33:42.12\00:33:45.39
"Your sorrows
shall be turned to joy."
00:33:45.42\00:33:49.02
You know, and so that
pain and that sorry, sorry,
00:33:49.06\00:33:52.46
the sorry that...
00:33:52.49\00:33:55.36
I'm so sorry.
00:33:55.40\00:33:56.77
No, no, but that
pain and that junk...
00:33:56.80\00:33:58.43
Sorrow. All the
sudden literally slips.
00:33:58.47\00:34:01.14
Yes, and then I began
to feel the joy of the Lord
00:34:01.17\00:34:04.57
and that peace
that He gave me, He said
00:34:04.61\00:34:06.98
"Just rest in me and
cast your cares on me."
00:34:07.01\00:34:09.41
And I began to give
Him every care that I had.
00:34:09.44\00:34:12.21
When people feel like
and especially people that,
00:34:12.25\00:34:15.12
you know, I'm not, I
was 10 years on the streets
00:34:15.15\00:34:17.12
so I'm not a reader
and all that kind of stuff
00:34:17.15\00:34:19.12
but man, I started
flipping through this Bible
00:34:19.15\00:34:21.59
the first times and I
came upon this Psalms 51
00:34:21.62\00:34:25.79
and I'm just
like, it was so crazy
00:34:25.83\00:34:29.06
'cause I come up on this word
00:34:29.10\00:34:30.77
and there's a line in it saying,
00:34:30.80\00:34:32.57
you know, this guy is
guilty and he's killing himself
00:34:32.60\00:34:36.00
and he's depressed
00:34:36.04\00:34:37.37
and he finally
screams out to God,
00:34:37.41\00:34:39.21
like I have, was born insane.
00:34:39.24\00:34:42.14
From the time that I
came out of my mother's womb,
00:34:42.18\00:34:44.75
I have been lost,
00:34:44.78\00:34:46.31
whatever you decide
about me is true, he says.
00:34:46.35\00:34:49.32
And I'm like, "Oh, shut up.
00:34:49.35\00:34:50.85
Whatever you write about
me is true because I am guilty
00:34:50.89\00:34:54.69
and right after that he says,
I'll decide you're innocent
00:34:54.72\00:34:57.83
and I'll give you a new
heart and I wept like a baby.
00:34:57.86\00:35:00.56
So when you say, "I
didn't know who God was
00:35:00.60\00:35:04.27
until I got in His Word,"
00:35:04.30\00:35:06.03
for some one who's
listening right now,
00:35:06.07\00:35:07.70
they've got to hear that,
00:35:07.74\00:35:09.07
is nobody can
tell you who God is.
00:35:09.10\00:35:10.84
It's gonna unfold
with what He's given us.
00:35:10.87\00:35:13.74
Right and realize that
he accepts you as you are.
00:35:13.78\00:35:16.64
Amen. That's right. As you are.
00:35:16.68\00:35:18.21
You don't have
to change anything.
00:35:18.25\00:35:20.15
All you need to do
is say, "You know what?
00:35:20.18\00:35:22.58
I'm gonna trust you." Yeah.
00:35:22.62\00:35:24.85
I'm gonna trust you because
I know that you're not a liar,
00:35:24.89\00:35:30.03
you're not a man
that you should lie.
00:35:30.06\00:35:31.83
'Cause what your Word says.
'Cause what your Word says.
00:35:31.86\00:35:34.30
I love when you say
that. It's like, it's in there.
00:35:34.33\00:35:36.77
You said it. Right.
00:35:36.80\00:35:38.23
And He has never
lied to me or let me down.
00:35:38.27\00:35:40.87
He's been there, you know.
00:35:40.90\00:35:42.90
And even when you said
00:35:42.94\00:35:44.87
and I'm just
gonna jump in for people
00:35:44.91\00:35:46.57
that have a hard time with this,
00:35:46.61\00:35:47.94
when you said, "I don't
got to change anything,"
00:35:47.98\00:35:50.35
It's really an interesting thing
00:35:50.38\00:35:52.38
to be in a love relationship
00:35:52.41\00:35:54.05
where you change
without trying to change.
00:35:54.08\00:35:56.79
I change in learning to trust,
00:35:56.82\00:35:59.02
I change in settling
into that kind of love.
00:35:59.05\00:36:02.32
So my behaviors change
00:36:02.36\00:36:03.69
not because I'm
trying to earn His love,
00:36:03.73\00:36:06.53
it's because I have it.
00:36:06.56\00:36:08.23
Exactly and you feel it.
00:36:08.26\00:36:09.70
And you can sense
His arms around you,
00:36:09.73\00:36:11.83
you know He's a caring
guy, He's a caring Father.
00:36:11.87\00:36:15.87
You know, it sounds like
00:36:15.90\00:36:17.24
all of the changes in
your life were amazing,
00:36:17.27\00:36:19.57
as far as
finding out who you are,
00:36:19.61\00:36:21.51
who God is, when you
talk about the joy, you know,
00:36:21.54\00:36:24.95
being you're strength
00:36:24.98\00:36:26.41
and coming from that kind
of place of sorrow to joy.
00:36:26.45\00:36:30.39
It sounds like God kind of,
00:36:30.42\00:36:32.55
did He put you
with a body of Christ?
00:36:32.59\00:36:34.29
Did He put you with a
number of other people
00:36:34.32\00:36:36.12
that were on the same journey?
00:36:36.16\00:36:37.76
Did you go to church any?
00:36:37.79\00:36:39.39
You know, actually no. I didn't.
00:36:39.43\00:36:41.56
This was just something
that I did alone, you know,
00:36:41.60\00:36:45.33
and sometimes
that is our journey.
00:36:45.37\00:36:47.90
God just wants us
alone with Himself,
00:36:47.94\00:36:49.97
you know,
learning to walk with Him.
00:36:50.01\00:36:51.94
So no, I'm doing this
on my own, just me and God.
00:36:51.97\00:36:55.88
Family, anybody in
the family changed?
00:36:55.91\00:36:58.45
Were they
nicer, did, you know...
00:36:58.48\00:37:00.62
No, and in fact
I have two sisters
00:37:00.65\00:37:03.25
that are still
abusing themselves
00:37:03.28\00:37:05.42
and a brother, you know, in
and out of prison, you know,
00:37:05.45\00:37:10.23
he just can't get
his feet on solid ground.
00:37:10.26\00:37:13.13
When he is free, he's back
to the drugs and the alcohol,
00:37:13.16\00:37:16.40
you know, so I still have a
lot of work to do, you know.
00:37:16.43\00:37:20.57
Right, but, you
know, what I love about God
00:37:20.60\00:37:22.90
is 'cause what
you're saying is that,
00:37:22.94\00:37:24.91
in the midst of
all of that craziness,
00:37:24.94\00:37:27.28
not really anybody
kind of standing up with me,
00:37:27.31\00:37:30.38
God was still faithful.
00:37:30.41\00:37:31.75
Yes.
00:37:31.78\00:37:33.11
He still got me through that day
00:37:33.15\00:37:34.48
and the next day
and the next day,
00:37:34.52\00:37:36.12
and I've hung out
with you and there is joy.
00:37:36.15\00:37:39.25
I mean it is ridiculous. Yes.
00:37:39.29\00:37:41.96
I can see your love for God.
00:37:41.99\00:37:43.32
I can see your
hope for the future,
00:37:43.36\00:37:45.26
all of those kind of things.
00:37:45.29\00:37:46.63
I'm gonna open
it up for questions.
00:37:46.66\00:37:48.50
I'm gonna just find out
00:37:48.53\00:37:50.07
'cause I know
that you upfront here.
00:37:50.10\00:37:52.30
We've got a number
of people on the cafe
00:37:52.33\00:37:54.24
and I just wanna
say, thank you, guys
00:37:54.27\00:37:56.07
and it's nice seeing you.
00:37:56.10\00:37:58.17
This story is crazy
cool for me and so, Nikko,
00:37:58.21\00:38:03.48
do you have any
questions or comments?
00:38:03.51\00:38:05.51
Yes I do.
00:38:05.55\00:38:07.32
My name is Nikko Hill
and I had the same journey
00:38:07.35\00:38:11.25
as you did, Connie.
00:38:11.29\00:38:12.82
And based on that,
00:38:12.85\00:38:14.19
I'm gonna be able to
share not my testimony
00:38:14.22\00:38:16.16
but God's testimony.
00:38:16.19\00:38:17.83
The power, the restoration,
power of Jesus Christ
00:38:17.86\00:38:20.96
and I see that
in your testimony.
00:38:21.00\00:38:22.66
My question to you is, Connie,
00:38:22.70\00:38:24.60
have you gone
back to your family?
00:38:24.63\00:38:26.40
Have you gone back to
your own Garden of Eden?
00:38:26.43\00:38:28.57
Have you witnessed to
them the power of Jesus Christ
00:38:28.60\00:38:32.07
to your brother who
is in and out of prison,
00:38:32.11\00:38:34.31
in and out of
his drug addictions?
00:38:34.34\00:38:35.91
To your mother
who's still on the bondage
00:38:35.94\00:38:38.55
of what went through
and what she went through
00:38:38.58\00:38:42.02
by the abuse
that she was taking?
00:38:42.05\00:38:43.82
Have you gone back,
00:38:43.85\00:38:45.19
have you showed
them the Holy Spirit
00:38:45.22\00:38:46.65
that emanates from the inside?
00:38:46.69\00:38:48.69
Have you been a
witness to your own family?
00:38:48.72\00:38:50.53
That would be my question.
00:38:50.56\00:38:51.89
Yes and...
00:38:51.93\00:38:53.26
Do they work?
00:38:53.29\00:38:54.63
Some are
receptive and some aren't,
00:38:54.66\00:38:56.97
some are yes definitely...
00:38:57.00\00:38:59.37
I remember, I remember
just trying to do that,
00:38:59.40\00:39:03.54
some what in my family
and almost the anger and rage,
00:39:03.57\00:39:07.44
my mom said that my
sister was on life support,
00:39:07.48\00:39:10.65
you know, she's a
stripper and turning 15,
00:39:10.68\00:39:13.82
had DUIs and all
that kind of stuff
00:39:13.85\00:39:15.78
and she is now on life support
00:39:15.82\00:39:17.35
after, you know,
doing a number of drives
00:39:17.39\00:39:19.45
and her stomach kind of,
just blew a hole in her stomach
00:39:19.49\00:39:22.22
and they barred me
from the room with her
00:39:22.26\00:39:26.16
because they
didn't want me to pray.
00:39:26.19\00:39:27.90
And my mom said to me seriously,
00:39:27.93\00:39:29.83
if I am dying, do not think
00:39:29.86\00:39:33.07
that you have the
right to pray for me.
00:39:33.10\00:39:34.87
So some people when
you would do that journey,
00:39:34.90\00:39:37.61
it's a, you have
to some how just say,
00:39:37.64\00:39:39.87
"God, you gonna have to
do it in my silent presence
00:39:39.91\00:39:43.31
because they're not hearing me,"
00:39:43.35\00:39:45.51
and God says "I got this."
00:39:45.55\00:39:47.65
Right. I got this.
00:39:47.68\00:39:49.22
Yes, because, you know,
00:39:49.25\00:39:50.59
actually my mother
is still living in,
00:39:50.62\00:39:53.22
with pretence or
in pretence, you know,
00:39:53.25\00:39:56.52
and that becomes a comfort
zone for the other people,
00:39:56.56\00:39:59.86
you know, that's
the way of functioning.
00:39:59.89\00:40:02.96
So they don't really know
this new person that I am,
00:40:03.00\00:40:06.53
you know, I mean, I'm
still getting to know me but...
00:40:06.57\00:40:09.34
Amen.
00:40:09.37\00:40:10.71
And I tried to convey that,
00:40:10.74\00:40:12.44
"You guys don't
really know who I am anymore
00:40:12.47\00:40:15.11
because see, I'm on the outside,
00:40:15.14\00:40:17.35
looking in now and
I know your journey,
00:40:17.38\00:40:19.95
I know how you are suffering,
I know you are in pain,
00:40:19.98\00:40:23.18
you have a wound that's need
to be uncovered and cleaned."
00:40:23.22\00:40:27.16
Amen.
00:40:27.19\00:40:28.52
What I'd love, I love...
00:40:28.56\00:40:29.89
thank you, Nikko,
for that question.
00:40:29.92\00:40:31.26
What I love about that question
00:40:31.29\00:40:32.99
is that we really do want
to bring in hope and recovery
00:40:33.03\00:40:37.83
to our family
00:40:37.87\00:40:39.37
but and I don't
know about your boys,
00:40:39.40\00:40:41.64
like how are your boys doing?
00:40:41.67\00:40:43.27
They are great and I shared
with them my life and I said,
00:40:43.30\00:40:47.04
"Look, this is
all going in a book,
00:40:47.08\00:40:48.78
you know, I want you to know
before it comes out, you know."
00:40:48.81\00:40:52.78
"Oh, mom, we already
knew this, we knew that."
00:40:52.81\00:40:55.42
You know, so children know more
00:40:55.45\00:40:57.39
than what they let on
that they know, you know,
00:40:57.42\00:41:00.16
but we have a healthy
good loving relationship.
00:41:00.19\00:41:03.96
And what I like to
say about that, it's like,
00:41:03.99\00:41:06.90
I have a daughter and now
that has never done a drug,
00:41:06.93\00:41:10.53
she's just finished
her Masters program,
00:41:10.57\00:41:12.37
she has an incredible career,
is married to a great guy,
00:41:12.40\00:41:15.17
I mean, I love you, guys.
00:41:15.20\00:41:17.54
I love them but it's
like a generational thing,
00:41:17.57\00:41:20.28
it's like the current was
all going in one direction
00:41:20.31\00:41:23.01
and somebody decides to step up
00:41:23.04\00:41:24.88
and fight in
the current changes.
00:41:24.91\00:41:26.68
And I'm glad to say that
00:41:26.72\00:41:28.05
because my oldest son
actually suffered from a PTSD
00:41:28.08\00:41:34.06
after coming home
from serving this country
00:41:34.09\00:41:37.19
and he, oh, oh,
00:41:37.23\00:41:39.23
he suffered all of the
ills of the emotional trauma,
00:41:39.26\00:41:44.30
you know, but I went
through what I went through
00:41:44.33\00:41:47.50
so that I could
understand what he went through
00:41:47.54\00:41:50.77
but he is so much better,
he got the help that he needed
00:41:50.81\00:41:53.64
and, you know, like you said...
00:41:53.68\00:41:55.71
And you have
hope that he needed.
00:41:55.74\00:41:57.08
Yes.
00:41:57.11\00:41:58.45
You know, I know that
God is bigger than this
00:41:58.48\00:42:01.02
and I'm not saying
any of it was right,
00:42:01.05\00:42:02.75
I'm not saying
any of it was good,
00:42:02.78\00:42:04.65
but I know that
we have a good God.
00:42:04.69\00:42:06.25
Right, and I know He
didn't spare your life there
00:42:06.29\00:42:08.22
to bring you home
to make ours miserable
00:42:08.26\00:42:11.19
or for you to suffer, you know,
00:42:11.23\00:42:13.70
but, yeah, He's doing wonderful,
00:42:13.73\00:42:15.83
you know, and like you
said, "Someone has to stand up
00:42:15.86\00:42:18.27
and say, you know what?
00:42:18.30\00:42:19.63
This has to stop somewhere"
00:42:19.67\00:42:22.00
so that the psycho world
continues to be perpetuating,
00:42:22.04\00:42:25.77
you know, it has to stop.
00:42:25.81\00:42:27.18
When you talk about that
00:42:27.21\00:42:28.54
it's like being
able to say is that,
00:42:28.58\00:42:30.41
that it isn't a easy battle.
00:42:30.45\00:42:33.05
Like if I ask you, has it
been an easy change for you
00:42:33.08\00:42:36.69
to come from all of that
00:42:36.72\00:42:38.45
to figuring out
how are you in a,
00:42:38.49\00:42:41.32
what most people
would say a normal life,
00:42:41.36\00:42:43.63
has that been easy?
00:42:43.66\00:42:44.99
No, because the truth is
00:42:45.03\00:42:46.46
you have to
change the way you think.
00:42:46.49\00:42:49.16
You have to
00:42:49.20\00:42:50.53
because if you don't
change the way you see things,
00:42:50.57\00:42:52.93
you'll never change you're life.
00:42:52.97\00:42:54.54
Amen.
00:42:54.57\00:42:55.90
So let me just
rephrase that a little bit,
00:42:55.94\00:42:57.31
I know that you're
gonna hear what I'm saying.
00:42:57.34\00:42:59.34
You have to allow God to
change the way you think.
00:42:59.37\00:43:00.94
Absolutely.
00:43:00.98\00:43:02.31
You know, 'cause in
the Bible, when you say
00:43:02.34\00:43:03.68
you go to the
Word of God, it says,
00:43:03.71\00:43:05.05
"Can a leopard
like change its spots."
00:43:05.08\00:43:07.38
You know, can you
change the color of your skin
00:43:07.42\00:43:09.18
or how tall you are
or how short you are
00:43:09.22\00:43:11.05
or any of that stuff.
00:43:11.09\00:43:12.42
God said," Let me
worry about all that."
00:43:12.45\00:43:13.99
So I just have,
I need to surrender
00:43:14.02\00:43:15.92
because God says,
"We're doing a whole,
00:43:15.96\00:43:19.26
I wanna show you who
you were created to be
00:43:19.29\00:43:21.16
not who you the
lies turned you into."
00:43:21.20\00:43:23.37
Right, 'cause if I
have the mind of Christ
00:43:23.40\00:43:26.03
then I have a renewed mind.
00:43:26.07\00:43:29.10
So do you feel
today, do you feel loved?
00:43:29.14\00:43:32.37
Oh, yes, I feel
loved, I feel empowered,
00:43:32.41\00:43:37.21
you know, I feel
that good things can
00:43:37.25\00:43:41.75
and are happening to and for me.
00:43:41.78\00:43:44.65
Amen. Amen. Yes.
00:43:44.69\00:43:46.32
We're gonna go
ahead and take a break
00:43:46.35\00:43:47.69
but I'd like you to come back
00:43:47.72\00:43:49.79
just to close
this whole thing out.
00:43:49.82\00:43:51.36
Is that okay? Okay.
00:43:51.39\00:43:52.73
Okay, we'll be right back.
00:43:52.76\00:43:54.30
And if you have a question,
00:43:54.33\00:43:55.96
whether you are
loved or you could make it
00:43:56.00\00:43:57.67
or whether you could love
someone else under recovery,
00:43:57.70\00:44:00.64
put those questions aside
00:44:00.67\00:44:02.00
'cause God says,"
Yes, yes, and yes."
00:44:02.04\00:44:04.37
We'll be right back. Amen.
00:44:04.41\00:44:06.07