The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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You know there are times
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that I just want to
kiss God on the face.
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I love how He steps
into the craziest situation
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and brings grace
and recovery and hope.
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Welcome to
Celebrating Life in Recovery.
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My name is Cheri,
come join us in the cafe.
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Welcome, you know,
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I thought about
this program today,
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we're gonna do it
little bit different.
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We have no one at the cafe,
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I'm just having
some friends come in,
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and it is one of the hardest
and most scariest programs
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I've ever done.
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And I think for
a couple reasons,
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I ask my friend Rayne and Adam
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to come in and do
the program with me,
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they...
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If you ask them they
would say they don't even know
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where they are spiritually,
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they are a mess and
all that kind of stuff.
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So please don't, don't
expect anything in that way,
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because today we're
taking about the grace of God.
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Does God know who we are?
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Does God step in to our lives,
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all along the way and say
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"I've known you since
the foundation of the world
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and I will get you home,
I will get you standing up."
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But before I
introduce Rayne and Adam,
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is I want you to say
a couple things of about
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what happened this
week to set this program up.
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Is that okay?
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Absolutely Okay.
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So in the last couple of weeks,
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I went to another state
and did a prison ministry
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and it was really fun
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because I'm
doing a women's prison
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and I just called that you know
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women's retreat behind bars,
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and they gave me three
hours, two days in a row,
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right, which is crazy,
you just never get that.
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So I'm working
with a group for women,
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I feel like I'm
working with my family,
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you know, I know exactly,
you know, where they are at,
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and a lot of them have
crimes that are intense.
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They are walking
around with stuff
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that they are ashamed of,
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things in their life
that have plagued them,
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maybe even from the womb,
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I mean it's just crazy
to work with these women.
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And I watch one after another
start to really get the fact
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that what if grace is true,
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what if God is crazy about us,
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what if I can step
into a relationship with God
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and know that He
knows all of that
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and I am
forgiven and I am loved.
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So we start talking about
this and there is one woman
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that is in the
audience and the guards,
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the guards and the
volunteer coordinator
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everybody is
saying, you know what,
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if she does anything,
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we're removing
her from the room.
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And I'm thinking
what's up with that.
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And they say,
she has just been...
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She is hard, she
is hard to deal with,
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she is angry, she is
always inciting things.
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If she says anything,
if she is disrespectful
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or whatever, you
know, she out of here.
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And so I'm thinking
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how can I make
sure that doesn't happen
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because I know
she needs to be there,
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I mean if she is
that out of control,
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she needs to be there.
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And so, Rayne,
you would love this.
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So I start talking
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and I'm gonna do an
example of something in my life
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and I grabbed her
like, by the throat,
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and lifted her up and then kind
of threw her back in her seat
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and she looked at me like,
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what do you just do?
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I like you. And I'm...
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I like you that's
exactly what she said,
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It's like what did you just do?
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And her and I started to
have a little bit of a rapport.
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And so the first day we're
just setting up on who is God
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and what is forgiveness about
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and what does he think about us,
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and all of that kind of stuff,
and really going to the point
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that if I don't get rid
of this anger and bitterness,
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if I don't surrender this,
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it will destroy
me, it will destroy me,
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everything in me,
I just won't make it.
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And so, I'm trying
to get all of the women,
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but her in
particular to look at the fact
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that you've got to
surrender this stuff.
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You've got to somehow step
over that line and just say,
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I'm not saying
anybody is innocent or guilty,
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I'm just surrendering this,
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I'm gonna give this to God,
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and accept the
grace that he has for me.
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So the next day,
we do this whole thing
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about the worksheets on
forgiveness and whatever,
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and she starts crying.
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Because everybody is saying,
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you know what I did
this forgiveness last night
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and forgave my
uncle who molested me
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or my mother who laughed
or my husband who beat me,
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I mean, all of
that kind of stuff.
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And they're all
working on issues
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and I feel so light and free
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and I'm
watching all this healing
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and she starts sobbing.
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I don't feel any
of that she says,
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I don't feel any of that.
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In fact I feel
angry and I feel like
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I don't even want to
hear what someone else got,
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the fact that
it worked for them,
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because I'm not
feeling any of that
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and I'm not forgiving anybody,
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I'm not forgiving anybody.
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And it was so heavy
and it was so intense
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that I got on my
knees in front of her
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and I just held
her hands and I said
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"My fear is, you
will die with this anger
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if you don't forgive.
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I'm not saying they're right,
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I'm not saying
your life was fair.
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I'm just saying
you gonna die with this
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if you don't give it up."
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And she started
crying and she is like,
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I don't how to give it up,
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how about just say that,
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how about just come
to God and say that,
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I don't know how to do it
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and she did and
the whole room...
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healing, it was
like a wave of healing
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that went
through this entire room.
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I watched her body change,
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I watched the counselor
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who was a non
Christian counselor,
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hates the fact that
Christians groups come in
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and I'm definitely faith based,
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I'm crazy about God and so,
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she hates the fact that groups
come in talking about God.
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And she was in
tears, she's in tears
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and I'm thinking, shut up!
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How fun is that,
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this woman couldn't
even hardly hold herself in.
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So then the
volunteer coordinator says
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how do want to end this?
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And I want to just
say forgive me for anybody
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that has a hard time with this
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but I say can we do
an anointing for healing,
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because these people
have some serious injuries,
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psychological injurious,
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pain that they have
brought their whole life,
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crimes that they have
done that they've caused pain.
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I mean they really need to
look at grace and forgiveness.
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Can we do an anointing?
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And I had to pull the pastor in
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and all that kind of
stuff to do this anointing
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and about 25 women got anointed,
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including this
woman that was so angry.
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And so what I want to
say about today's program,
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we're gonna look at grace,
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and we're gonna
look at grace in a way
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that I'm not gonna
apologize for God at all,
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he loves us.
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I mean some of you and
some of you even watching
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have done things that are crazy.
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The shame that you
walk around with is intense.
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You know exactly who you are,
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you know exactly
what you have done.
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Some of you haven't,
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some of you had
things done to you
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that are so
intense but we're all,
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we're walking
around in such bondage.
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And we come to a God that
says "Man, I know all of that."
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Romans 5 is my favorite one
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and we're gonna stay
with this almost all season.
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But Romans 5 when, you know,
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God was talking
about the fact that...
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for when you
were without strength,
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when you were powerless,
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when you didn't have the ability
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to even respond to
what I'm offering you,
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the love and
grace I'm offering you,
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I died for you.
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When you hated me, when
you were slamming heroin,
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when you were out
there running and lying
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and doing all
that kind of stuff,
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I died for you then.
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This, you got to get that,
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that grace is
absolutely what saves us,
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everything else comes
later but grace we have to get.
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So we are gonna
be talking about that
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and I'm so excited.
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So now I'm gonna
introduce you, um,
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Rayne, you know that I love you.
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I love you.
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I loved you
forever, we met how long ago?
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Twelve years ago.
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Yeah.
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Tell this story
about the first prison
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we went into together.
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We were doing prison ministries
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in the juvenile
facilities around Kansas
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and we went to the
facility in Topeka,
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where I live now.
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Oh, wait and you know
what I got to say no that's,
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no that's
perfect but the fact is,
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when we first
met, you said to me,
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do you do prison ministry?
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Because I want you go
into the prison with me.
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And I remember
saying the craziest thing,
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I shall never
says this to you again,
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is I said "You set it up
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and I'll go into
as many as you want."
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And I think we went
to every prison in Kansas
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We went to very
juvenile facility in Kansas,
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that was a
challenge, but we did it,
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that was pretty cool.
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So when we into the...
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we were getting
ready to go into the one
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and we were like an hour away
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from where we were
staying in, remember?
00:09:03.00\00:09:04.94
And you left your ID.
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I had no, no,
identification at all.
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You had none.
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You were just sitting in the car
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and you're
looking through your purse
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and you are like, Oh!
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And you just
didn't have anything,
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and you and I both know,
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you don't get in
without identity,
00:09:19.32\00:09:21.09
we might as well
just turn around and leave
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and I was ready to
back out you're like,
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no wait, we're
just gonna pray about it
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and we're just gonna go in.
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Okay, let's go.
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It was the craziest moment
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because I knew I looked at you
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and I thought you know what,
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not only is this important
for whoever is gonna be in there
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but it was important for you.
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And to me, I felt
that with everything in me
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and I said God, you cannot let
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the fact that I
don't have ID stop this,
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and I remember
just praying like crazy.
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Yeah.
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And we got out of the
car and walked in like,
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that was
ridiculous, who does that.
00:09:54.32\00:09:55.99
It wasn't gonna
happen, we weren't going in.
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So we go in and
they are checking my ID
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and the other lady's ID
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and you're just
chatting away with the guard
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like no big deal, nothing,
00:10:06.27\00:10:08.07
and they just let
us in, they never even
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asked you for your
ID, that's just not...
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that doesn't happen.
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It was so interesting.
00:10:16.04\00:10:17.41
To me when we got in there,
00:10:17.45\00:10:18.91
one of the things that I
think was amazing to me is
00:10:18.95\00:10:22.52
how freely you give
your testimony to people
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that you want to help.
00:10:26.76\00:10:28.09
And so I want to ask you
to start out a little bit
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with who are you?
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You know what's your
story, what's your journey?
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'Cause like I said
spiritually you're saying
00:10:37.30\00:10:39.97
I'm all over the board.
00:10:40.00\00:10:41.34
I was born disabled,
00:10:44.11\00:10:47.98
my mom had a really hard
time with taking of care me
00:10:48.01\00:10:50.95
because she has a
bunch of her own junk.
00:10:50.98\00:10:54.12
My dad went to
prison when I was one
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and he's still
there and I was raised...
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The whole time
he's not been out...
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Never.
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And back in, he is
been in the whole time.
00:11:01.92\00:11:03.26
Yeah.
00:11:03.29\00:11:04.66
Other than when he escaped.
When he escaped, but yeah.
00:11:04.69\00:11:09.06
Since I was one and then
my grandparents stepped in
00:11:09.10\00:11:12.17
when I was like three
or four and adopted me
00:11:12.20\00:11:15.30
and a huge
generation gap and just...
00:11:15.34\00:11:20.28
I mean they did their best,
00:11:20.31\00:11:21.64
they had the best of intensions,
00:11:21.68\00:11:23.14
but it was kind of a rough,
00:11:23.18\00:11:24.88
especially once I
became a teenager.
00:11:24.91\00:11:27.45
And they just,
they loved me so much
00:11:27.48\00:11:29.52
and they wanted to, you know,
00:11:29.55\00:11:31.35
raise me the best that
they could and protect me,
00:11:31.39\00:11:33.56
but they just, I think,
00:11:33.59\00:11:35.19
they just kind of
had the wrong idea.
00:11:35.22\00:11:36.62
They tried to, you know,
00:11:36.66\00:11:38.96
treat me from my disability
00:11:38.99\00:11:40.46
instead of a 17
year old normal girl.
00:11:40.50\00:11:44.30
If you, if you had to
explain that to someone
00:11:44.33\00:11:46.40
because I don't
think abled folks realize
00:11:46.43\00:11:48.94
how ignorant we are
sometimes with what we say,
00:11:48.97\00:11:52.67
you know, so when
you just said that
00:11:52.71\00:11:54.21
they tried to treat
me in my disability,
00:11:54.24\00:11:57.01
instead of like a 17 year old.
00:11:57.05\00:11:58.48
What do you mean?
00:11:58.51\00:12:00.02
I mean I just think
they wanted to protect me
00:12:00.05\00:12:02.65
because I mean, to
them or to other people
00:12:02.68\00:12:06.55
I'm fragile, and to me I'm like,
00:12:06.59\00:12:09.22
I'm just a normal 17 year girl
00:12:09.26\00:12:11.39
because you just let
me go out with my friends.
00:12:11.43\00:12:13.76
And I mean I
couldn't go out past dark
00:12:13.80\00:12:16.33
in the winter
time that's 5 o'clock
00:12:16.36\00:12:18.40
and the first thing
when you're in high school
00:12:18.43\00:12:19.97
that's stupid,
that's just insane.
00:12:20.00\00:12:23.10
So, you rebelled
against all of that?
00:12:23.14\00:12:24.47
Oh, man, I was out to just prove
00:12:24.51\00:12:26.71
I was everything that no
one would expect me to be.
00:12:26.74\00:12:30.21
Yeah, and then when I first...
00:12:30.25\00:12:31.58
when I first met
you and you said,
00:12:31.61\00:12:32.95
you know, I'm
sneaking out of the house
00:12:32.98\00:12:34.32
and I'm, you know, going out
00:12:34.35\00:12:35.68
and smoking weed and
hanging out with friends
00:12:35.72\00:12:37.69
and all of that kind of stuff.
00:12:37.72\00:12:39.09
For you to
sneak out of the house
00:12:39.12\00:12:40.46
was not the easiest thing.
00:12:40.49\00:12:41.86
I did it.
00:12:41.89\00:12:43.46
I stole the car a couple times,
00:12:43.49\00:12:45.96
I mean... I just...
00:12:45.99\00:12:48.06
I was gonna prove
that I was gonna do
00:12:48.10\00:12:49.90
whatever it was
I wanted to do...
00:12:49.93\00:12:51.27
I'm no different
than anyone else.
00:12:51.30\00:12:52.63
Yeah.
00:12:52.67\00:12:54.00
And may be that
wouldn't have been that way
00:12:54.04\00:12:55.37
had they just treated
me like a normal teenager
00:12:55.40\00:12:57.84
but I just had to prove myself
00:12:57.87\00:13:00.28
and it just turned out
the wrong way to prove myself.
00:13:00.31\00:13:04.98
Did you ever 'cause you
said they had, they had a...
00:13:05.01\00:13:08.18
they were introverts,
00:13:08.22\00:13:09.55
they were probably a little bit
00:13:09.58\00:13:11.49
even more hyper
religious, you know...
00:13:11.52\00:13:14.52
Yeah.
00:13:14.56\00:13:15.89
It's just that I
mean that generation
00:13:15.92\00:13:17.26
Because we talk
about religious addictions
00:13:17.29\00:13:18.63
and that whole generation thing
00:13:18.66\00:13:20.00
is that you were talking
may be some of that stuff even.
00:13:20.03\00:13:22.66
Yeah, I mean you
know my grandma loves God
00:13:22.70\00:13:27.57
and that we're
supposed to love God
00:13:27.60\00:13:30.27
with all our soul
and heart and mind
00:13:30.31\00:13:32.94
and that he
supposed to be number one
00:13:32.97\00:13:34.51
and that's good but she
took it to a different level
00:13:34.54\00:13:37.58
were she loved her
religion like more than me.
00:13:37.61\00:13:42.25
And I don't think that's okay,
00:13:42.28\00:13:44.35
you know, and that's what
she did it to my mom too...
00:13:44.39\00:13:46.52
That's a powerful statement
because your mom ended up
00:13:46.55\00:13:51.49
totally rebelling and pushing
away from all of that too.
00:13:51.53\00:13:54.13
Oh, yeah, it
was bad for her too.
00:13:54.16\00:13:57.37
So when, when we met,
00:13:57.40\00:14:00.57
you were with it
really abusive relationship.
00:14:00.60\00:14:03.51
Yeah.
00:14:03.54\00:14:04.87
I got married when I was 22,
00:14:04.91\00:14:08.24
we had Jaden and when I met him,
00:14:08.28\00:14:13.01
he was like this great guy,
00:14:13.05\00:14:14.78
you know like I
would have never imagined
00:14:14.82\00:14:17.39
he would do anything terrible.
00:14:17.42\00:14:19.29
And then after and he,
00:14:19.32\00:14:21.76
our relationship was
fine in the beginning
00:14:21.79\00:14:24.29
and then through my
pregnancy with Jaden
00:14:24.33\00:14:25.99
and it wasn't
until after I had Jaden,
00:14:26.03\00:14:28.50
and then he
started being abusive,
00:14:28.53\00:14:29.90
and then by then
I'm like it's too late,
00:14:29.93\00:14:31.63
you have a kid you're married.
00:14:31.67\00:14:34.34
I mean I had no inclination
that he was gonna be abusive
00:14:34.37\00:14:37.77
whatsoever, so I
was just stuck...
00:14:37.81\00:14:40.61
Didn't talk to
anyone, didn't tell anyone?
00:14:40.64\00:14:42.34
No.
00:14:42.38\00:14:43.95
You didn't tell me.
00:14:43.98\00:14:45.51
And I was in it when I met you.
00:14:45.55\00:14:47.98
Yeah, because I found out
after everything fell apart.
00:14:48.02\00:14:51.65
And it was a big
shock to everyone
00:14:51.69\00:14:53.42
that knew us like what,
00:14:53.46\00:14:56.09
no way and that would...
00:14:56.12\00:14:58.19
like people
don't even believe me,
00:14:58.23\00:15:00.13
some people
including my own family,
00:15:00.16\00:15:02.06
they actually took
him in when we split up
00:15:02.10\00:15:05.47
and then I was the wayward one
00:15:05.50\00:15:07.60
and I'm like...
00:15:07.64\00:15:09.04
Are you kidding me?
00:15:09.07\00:15:10.91
But you know with, with,
00:15:10.94\00:15:12.27
with some abuse like I
work with a lot of people
00:15:12.31\00:15:15.04
that I love that are in really
abusive relationships and,
00:15:15.08\00:15:18.68
and that all
plays out and it does,
00:15:18.71\00:15:21.28
it looks like it's their fault
00:15:21.32\00:15:22.78
and why didn't,
you know, tell anybody,
00:15:22.82\00:15:24.19
it couldn't be that bad,
00:15:24.22\00:15:25.55
you need to
just hang in there...
00:15:25.59\00:15:26.92
I still felt for me.
00:15:26.96\00:15:28.29
But you had a knife to
your throat at one point,
00:15:28.32\00:15:30.76
so you know it was the
fact that he wanted to kill,
00:15:30.79\00:15:34.66
not only you but Jaden.
00:15:34.70\00:15:36.20
And Hannah. And Hannah.
00:15:36.23\00:15:37.90
So, I mean he turned
around and looked at them
00:15:37.93\00:15:41.14
because he kept telling me
00:15:41.17\00:15:42.77
when he grabbed us up
and put us in the truck.
00:15:42.80\00:15:45.17
He was like, I'm
just gonna kill us all
00:15:45.21\00:15:46.61
and I'm like, you know,
00:15:46.64\00:15:48.04
of everything he was a good dad.
00:15:48.08\00:15:50.98
I mean he was not good to me
00:15:51.01\00:15:52.58
and our
relationship was craziness
00:15:52.61\00:15:54.45
but he loved his kids
and he was a good dad.
00:15:54.48\00:15:57.15
And I was like, I just
got to get him to focus
00:15:57.19\00:15:59.69
and I was like turn
around and look at your babies,
00:15:59.72\00:16:02.86
your babies are in it,
00:16:02.89\00:16:04.36
let's go take them back to house
00:16:04.39\00:16:05.96
and you can do
whatever you want with me.
00:16:05.99\00:16:07.40
But just look at your
babies that are in the truck
00:16:07.43\00:16:09.26
and he looked at
Jaden in the backseat
00:16:09.30\00:16:12.07
and I said I'm gonna kill
us and he told Jaden that.
00:16:12.10\00:16:15.80
Jaden remembers
that till this day.
00:16:15.84\00:16:17.87
And he was young. He was five.
00:16:17.91\00:16:20.04
Five years old.
00:16:20.08\00:16:22.98
Man!
00:16:23.01\00:16:24.45
So, you know, to me the reason
00:16:24.48\00:16:25.81
I just want to
start with who are you,
00:16:25.85\00:16:28.85
because that's not what
00:16:28.88\00:16:30.22
this program is
gonna be about today,
00:16:30.25\00:16:32.05
but I want to say is sometimes
00:16:32.09\00:16:35.02
we forget that
God is following us
00:16:35.06\00:16:37.26
from years of damage,
00:16:37.29\00:16:40.40
you know, sometimes
it's years of craziness,
00:16:40.43\00:16:42.80
it's years of may be having...
00:16:42.83\00:16:45.93
I think we have an enemy
00:16:45.97\00:16:47.30
and I think the
devil is strategically
00:16:47.34\00:16:49.20
going after us sometimes
00:16:49.24\00:16:50.84
and strategically he is
telling one lie after another,
00:16:50.87\00:16:53.88
after another, after another
00:16:53.91\00:16:55.74
and grace or God has to
get through all of those lives
00:16:55.78\00:17:01.05
and say I promise you
this was not my fault.
00:17:01.08\00:17:04.59
So even at the time
when you are walking away
00:17:04.62\00:17:08.09
from that crazy relationship,
your dad imprisoned,
00:17:08.12\00:17:11.39
your mom is really not
been able to be there for you,
00:17:11.43\00:17:14.56
grandparents are at this time
00:17:14.60\00:17:16.63
not even a kind of
cognitively still there.
00:17:16.67\00:17:22.00
What did you think of God?
00:17:22.04\00:17:23.54
I mean what was that,
that sense of God at that time?
00:17:23.57\00:17:27.91
I wasn't...
00:17:27.94\00:17:29.61
he just wasn't there
and I wasn't good enough,
00:17:29.64\00:17:32.85
I wasn't good enough to
keep a marriage together,
00:17:32.88\00:17:35.32
I wasn't good enough
for my kids and I just...
00:17:35.35\00:17:40.22
I wasn't good enough for
God, so he just wasn't there.
00:17:40.26\00:17:44.39
I just want to
cry when you say that
00:17:44.43\00:17:45.76
because I love you, you know,
00:17:45.79\00:17:47.63
and I know that for a long time
00:17:47.66\00:17:49.30
you felt that I
just wasn't enough.
00:17:49.33\00:17:52.27
You know I pray
that after this program
00:17:52.30\00:17:54.30
no one will ever feel that.
00:17:54.34\00:17:55.77
I just hope that we
say that really loud,
00:17:55.80\00:17:58.17
loud, it's not
about that we are enough.
00:17:58.21\00:18:01.64
So now I want to ask you,
00:18:01.68\00:18:03.88
how you met Adam and then, Adam,
00:18:03.91\00:18:05.51
I'd like you to say a little bit
00:18:05.55\00:18:07.15
about your background?
00:18:07.18\00:18:08.52
Okay. Okay.
00:18:08.55\00:18:10.19
So, this is crazy
00:18:10.22\00:18:11.55
because it's like the first time
00:18:11.59\00:18:12.92
I ever honestly told anybody
00:18:12.95\00:18:14.29
how I met you
right at the first.
00:18:14.32\00:18:16.46
So you're gonna be honest.
00:18:16.49\00:18:17.83
I'd love that only on
Celebrating Life, all right.
00:18:17.86\00:18:21.30
Because you know what, it
is we heard that we can say
00:18:21.33\00:18:24.63
and I believe this more
on this program than a lot,
00:18:24.67\00:18:30.07
is man, if we're
not gonna be honest now,
00:18:30.11\00:18:32.31
let's not even say it
00:18:32.34\00:18:33.68
because there are
people that just say
00:18:33.71\00:18:35.18
please don't just
give me a Bible text,
00:18:35.21\00:18:37.85
because I need
something to hold on to.
00:18:37.88\00:18:40.52
I was working and I was
in the middle of my divorce
00:18:44.72\00:18:47.72
and I just have, I had a,
00:18:47.76\00:18:49.39
I mean I felt like a
cool group of friends,
00:18:49.42\00:18:51.49
they accepted me
and they were good to me
00:18:51.53\00:18:54.03
and one of my favorite friends,
00:18:54.06\00:18:57.87
he had this buddy, Hamilton
00:18:57.90\00:19:00.44
and they lived in a
halfway house together,
00:19:00.47\00:19:02.80
because they'd both
just gotten out of prison.
00:19:02.84\00:19:05.11
And he was always talking
about his friend Hamilton.
00:19:05.14\00:19:07.51
That's exactly
where I go to date,
00:19:07.54\00:19:11.38
I'm sorry, I
just had to say that,
00:19:11.41\00:19:13.72
a halfway house,
are you kidding me,
00:19:13.75\00:19:15.35
you know, but you know what,
00:19:15.38\00:19:16.85
that's how crazy our life gets,
00:19:16.89\00:19:18.35
it make sense for
some reason it makes sense,
00:19:18.39\00:19:20.99
but I just had to
interrupt, I'm sorry.
00:19:21.02\00:19:22.36
Don't... yeah, don't...
00:19:22.39\00:19:24.19
that's not
where you want to find
00:19:24.23\00:19:25.59
someone to date for sure.
00:19:25.63\00:19:26.96
I often wonder how I'm
gonna explain that to my kids.
00:19:27.00\00:19:29.50
Well, look where
your found daddy,
00:19:29.53\00:19:32.67
I don't...
00:19:32.70\00:19:34.20
I'd like to meet her
parents, are you kidding me.
00:19:34.24\00:19:36.27
You found dad
at a halfway house.
00:19:36.30\00:19:37.64
Yeah, all right go head.
00:19:37.67\00:19:39.87
It is gonna be tough.
00:19:39.91\00:19:41.24
Yeah.
00:19:41.28\00:19:42.61
So, he just always
talked about his buddy Hamilton,
00:19:42.64\00:19:45.48
for like weeks,
00:19:45.51\00:19:46.85
I probably hadn't met him yet.
00:19:46.88\00:19:48.22
So I knew all about him
00:19:48.25\00:19:49.58
and I knew why
he'd been in prison
00:19:49.62\00:19:52.05
and I just... I'm...
00:19:52.09\00:19:54.32
my dad's in prison
and I've done stupid...
00:19:54.36\00:19:56.73
I'm just like
really non-judgmental
00:19:56.76\00:19:58.19
about that kind of stuff really.
00:19:58.23\00:19:59.56
And you're back
drinking, back partying,
00:19:59.59\00:20:00.93
back hanging out.
00:20:00.96\00:20:02.30
Oh, yeah.
00:20:02.33\00:20:03.67
So it's not and I
just had to set the stage
00:20:03.70\00:20:05.03
because with all of that,
00:20:05.07\00:20:06.94
your are in the back and
amidst of that craziness.
00:20:06.97\00:20:10.64
Oh, I was a mess.
00:20:10.67\00:20:12.01
I was a real big mess.
00:20:12.04\00:20:13.51
Was God there?
00:20:13.54\00:20:14.88
I mean not in my mind, but yes.
00:20:14.91\00:20:16.68
And so... I just...
00:20:16.71\00:20:18.05
because, you know,
00:20:18.08\00:20:19.41
this for me this whole thing is,
00:20:19.45\00:20:21.15
I don't know why
but God was there.
00:20:21.18\00:20:24.72
You know and that amazes me
00:20:24.75\00:20:26.92
about the gospel and who God is,
00:20:26.96\00:20:29.09
is that we can be
in the midst of that,
00:20:29.12\00:20:30.96
everything else
in us as we're lost
00:20:30.99\00:20:34.83
and God says wait,
stop and turn around,
00:20:34.86\00:20:38.33
I'm right here, I'm right here.
00:20:38.37\00:20:40.80
And you can see
that in retrospect
00:20:40.84\00:20:42.70
when you look back,
but when you're in it,
00:20:42.74\00:20:44.67
it doesn't feel
like it, it doesn't,
00:20:44.71\00:20:46.78
you can't see him
because you're just too...
00:20:46.81\00:20:49.88
I was, I was just
way too out of it.
00:20:49.91\00:20:53.52
So you got a friend
Hamilton in the halfway house,
00:20:53.55\00:20:56.79
you're saying whatever.
00:20:56.82\00:20:58.15
Yeah, I'm just,
I don't even care
00:20:58.19\00:20:59.79
and then I met him
00:20:59.82\00:21:01.69
and like I had
this vision of like some
00:21:01.72\00:21:04.49
just old goofy
looking guy that I don't know,
00:21:04.53\00:21:08.30
but it wasn't him...
00:21:08.33\00:21:10.00
Take you on.
00:21:10.03\00:21:13.27
And then when I met
him, I was just like,
00:21:13.30\00:21:15.90
I mean, there was
just something about him
00:21:15.94\00:21:17.84
and he's got this
charisma about him,
00:21:17.87\00:21:21.81
and...
00:21:21.84\00:21:24.08
he...
00:21:24.11\00:21:26.58
I don't know, what
did it for me was Hannah.
00:21:26.61\00:21:30.09
She did not like strangers
or anyone she didn't know
00:21:30.12\00:21:34.12
and the first time
he came in our house
00:21:34.16\00:21:36.73
she climbed up in his
lap and just like in his lap
00:21:36.76\00:21:42.26
and she wouldn't that.
00:21:42.30\00:21:43.63
She wouldn't even do it to Jeff,
00:21:43.67\00:21:45.00
the one that
introduced me to Adam...
00:21:45.03\00:21:48.30
Friends that she knew.
00:21:48.34\00:21:49.67
And she didn't like him,
00:21:49.70\00:21:51.04
like she wouldn't be
00:21:51.07\00:21:52.41
affectionate towards him at all.
00:21:52.44\00:21:53.78
And she climbed
right up in his lap
00:21:53.81\00:21:55.14
and just snuggled him,
00:21:55.18\00:21:56.95
while I was making
Theraflu because he was sick.
00:21:56.98\00:22:00.08
And I was just...
00:22:00.12\00:22:01.45
I came out of bathroom
and stood in the hallway
00:22:01.48\00:22:04.12
and I could just see
right where they were sitting
00:22:04.15\00:22:05.62
and she was just
curled up in his lap
00:22:05.65\00:22:07.92
and I was like, Whoa!
00:22:07.96\00:22:09.76
she doesn't do that to anybody
00:22:09.79\00:22:11.49
and that was like
the first like-thing
00:22:11.53\00:22:13.29
that just triggered...
00:22:13.33\00:22:14.66
That's really funny
00:22:14.70\00:22:16.03
because I liked you
from the very beginning too,
00:22:16.06\00:22:17.63
I just have to say.
00:22:17.67\00:22:19.33
So you end up saying
who is this guy, he's funny.
00:22:19.37\00:22:25.01
I mean I didn't really give
it much of a second thought,
00:22:25.04\00:22:27.64
he was just a funny, cool guy
00:22:27.68\00:22:29.64
and he was really fun to
hangout with and I can't,
00:22:29.68\00:22:33.28
I mean I just fell for him.
00:22:33.31\00:22:35.98
So now I'm
gonna go to you, Adam,
00:22:36.02\00:22:38.95
and just say we're gonna
get back to what happen next,
00:22:38.99\00:22:43.53
but how did you grow up
and what was your life like?
00:22:43.56\00:22:46.73
Who are you, were you...
00:22:46.76\00:22:48.93
and I think you didn't
have any kind of spiritual
00:22:48.96\00:22:53.40
or Christianity
in your home, right?
00:22:53.44\00:22:55.00
No, the only
spiritual Christianity
00:22:55.04\00:22:57.81
I had was visit my grandma,
00:22:57.84\00:22:59.74
which I probably
seen her once a year
00:22:59.77\00:23:01.74
for a weekend and she
would take me to church.
00:23:01.78\00:23:04.55
Growing up, my
parents worked hard,
00:23:04.58\00:23:07.08
my mom was a nurse,
00:23:07.12\00:23:08.45
my dad was a store
manager for Walmart or Alcos
00:23:08.48\00:23:11.85
or even Chelsea's
palace before it closed.
00:23:11.89\00:23:14.32
So I didn't see him very much.
00:23:14.36\00:23:17.06
My mom drink a lot,
my dad was a workaholic
00:23:17.09\00:23:21.86
always searching for that...
00:23:21.90\00:23:24.90
how to make money, so
he was investing in...
00:23:24.93\00:23:27.30
So, he was gone a lot. Yeah.
00:23:27.34\00:23:29.00
Mom was drinking. Yeah.
00:23:29.04\00:23:30.37
And when you say drink a lot
00:23:30.41\00:23:32.04
because I don't think
normal people understand
00:23:32.07\00:23:34.24
what the heck that means,
you know, what does it mean?
00:23:34.28\00:23:36.44
Then it was a Molokos
best, 30 pack every night.
00:23:36.48\00:23:41.95
Wow. Yeah.
00:23:41.98\00:23:45.92
yeah and she would
just sit at the table,
00:23:45.95\00:23:47.29
all night long just drinking
00:23:47.32\00:23:48.82
and she would get into arguments
00:23:48.86\00:23:50.23
with my older brother,
00:23:50.26\00:23:53.26
sometimes say mean things to us
00:23:53.29\00:23:55.73
and would even be
diabetic and sometimes
00:23:55.76\00:23:57.63
he'd beat her
bad and she would say
00:23:57.67\00:23:59.00
something pretty mean..
00:23:59.03\00:24:00.37
So, he was dealing with
some pretty serious diabetes.
00:24:00.40\00:24:02.57
Yeah, Type 1 yeah,
00:24:02.60\00:24:04.34
there was at least once a month
00:24:04.37\00:24:05.81
he was gone to the hospital,
an ambulance was there.
00:24:05.84\00:24:08.71
And just because of...
00:24:08.74\00:24:10.88
and I'm sorry to do this
00:24:10.91\00:24:13.15
in the middle of
you sharing with us,
00:24:13.18\00:24:15.22
but one of the
things that a lot of people
00:24:15.25\00:24:17.49
don't realize is that
when you got alcohol and drugs,
00:24:17.52\00:24:19.69
and you got people
acting out in their addictions,
00:24:19.72\00:24:22.29
they do not know how
to be there for the kids,
00:24:22.32\00:24:24.89
they just can't be there.
00:24:24.93\00:24:26.36
And studies even show
like a small percentage,
00:24:26.39\00:24:29.36
they can and be there
emotionally or intimately
00:24:29.40\00:24:32.30
like it less then ten percent,
00:24:32.33\00:24:34.27
and so then we wonder,
00:24:34.30\00:24:35.64
why as kids that we
feel lost and starved.
00:24:35.67\00:24:38.61
Both my parents were addicts
00:24:38.64\00:24:40.41
and then my mom actually
moved in another addict in
00:24:40.44\00:24:43.75
and I loved all of them,
00:24:43.78\00:24:45.75
but they could not be
there for us in the same way
00:24:45.78\00:24:48.25
so your mom could
not be there for you.
00:24:48.28\00:24:50.02
Yeah.
00:24:50.05\00:24:51.39
I loved her to death
and yeah I think I agree
00:24:51.42\00:24:53.19
she couldn't and dad he
was always working so...
00:24:53.22\00:24:56.22
So what did you do as a kid,
00:24:56.26\00:24:57.59
I mean because you have to eat,
00:24:57.63\00:24:59.33
did you get
angry, did you rebel,
00:24:59.36\00:25:00.96
did you... I
mean what did you do?
00:25:01.00\00:25:02.76
I was all over the place,
00:25:02.80\00:25:04.23
I mean pretty much some
persons watches my brother
00:25:04.27\00:25:06.57
because my parents
are out working till six,
00:25:06.60\00:25:08.04
so we go there and play football
00:25:08.07\00:25:09.64
with my brother
and his friends or me
00:25:09.67\00:25:11.61
and another buddy of mine
named Adam, getting mischief.
00:25:11.64\00:25:15.34
I mean live in the
community in Mexico
00:25:15.38\00:25:18.11
and we've just ran
wild, rocks at windows.
00:25:18.15\00:25:21.68
Breaking things.
00:25:21.72\00:25:23.05
Yeah, we love breaking bottles.
00:25:23.08\00:25:24.42
We find an old bottle,
00:25:24.45\00:25:26.05
we save them and
take them to the park
00:25:26.09\00:25:27.42
and smash them on the
ground because it's so cool.
00:25:27.46\00:25:30.09
Yeah.
00:25:30.13\00:25:33.63
And so you get
into the high school.
00:25:33.66\00:25:38.70
Yeah, my parents get divorced
00:25:38.73\00:25:40.07
when I went to sixth grade,
00:25:40.10\00:25:42.37
my mom moved to Kansas
00:25:42.40\00:25:43.91
and I stayed with
my dad's for about...
00:25:43.94\00:25:46.68
for a year and finally I go
and visit my mom here in Kansas
00:25:46.71\00:25:50.45
and she remarries a
sheriff of this town.
00:25:50.48\00:25:53.31
So I come visit them
00:25:53.35\00:25:54.68
and I fall in love
with this small town.
00:25:54.72\00:25:56.85
Was she still drinking?
00:25:56.89\00:25:58.22
Yeah, little bit yeah,
not as much no, not at all.
00:25:58.25\00:26:02.32
Because all of a sudden I
see the sheriff's in town now
00:26:02.36\00:26:04.33
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:26:04.36\00:26:05.69
She might clean up some.
00:26:05.73\00:26:08.10
So when you...
00:26:08.13\00:26:09.46
if I say you know I could,
00:26:09.50\00:26:11.90
I could see just wild
you know wild acting out,
00:26:11.93\00:26:16.24
were you a good
student, were you...?
00:26:16.27\00:26:19.74
I had the mentality
a D is a good degree
00:26:19.77\00:26:22.51
so, I mean, if I was
passing with 60 enough
00:26:22.54\00:26:24.75
I was happy far as...
00:26:24.78\00:26:27.28
I mean it's sports and
stuff but I was to party I mean,
00:26:27.32\00:26:31.35
I threw the party
or hunt down the party,
00:26:31.39\00:26:34.56
drinking a lot in
high school I mean I was...
00:26:34.59\00:26:37.53
Weekends was a bad
deal, I was drinking a lot.
00:26:37.56\00:26:39.96
Okay, we're gonna
break and we're gonna break
00:26:40.00\00:26:42.96
and come back but I want
you to just think about...
00:26:43.00\00:26:46.77
because sometimes I
don't think we think about,
00:26:46.80\00:26:48.90
you know, does
God know who we are
00:26:48.94\00:26:52.31
when we start
behaving and when we say yes
00:26:52.34\00:26:54.44
or when we start to kind
of feel in that kind of sense
00:26:54.48\00:26:57.91
that I want to lean to God
or does he know who we are,
00:26:57.95\00:27:00.22
since we're born,
00:27:00.25\00:27:02.18
from the very beginning,
00:27:02.22\00:27:03.55
and I think from
the very beginning.
00:27:03.59\00:27:05.29
And so you've got
these two people that I love,
00:27:05.32\00:27:08.32
so please been nice to them.
00:27:08.36\00:27:09.86
If you're feeling like
judging anything right now,
00:27:09.89\00:27:12.29
just be nice of
them if you are them,
00:27:12.33\00:27:15.16
I just want you to
know that God sees you,
00:27:15.20\00:27:17.53
but just know that
from the very beginning,
00:27:17.57\00:27:20.20
he is right
there trying to woo us
00:27:20.24\00:27:22.10
into a relationship with him,
00:27:22.14\00:27:23.57
trying to get us to the point
where we could start to look up
00:27:23.61\00:27:26.44
from all of the
stuff long enough
00:27:26.47\00:27:28.21
to know there is an out,
00:27:28.24\00:27:30.15
there is a savior,
there is redemption,
00:27:30.18\00:27:32.58
there is a...
00:27:32.61\00:27:33.98
there is grace.
00:27:34.02\00:27:35.35
And, man, it's
nothing that we do,
00:27:35.38\00:27:37.32
it's given to us as a free gift.
00:27:37.35\00:27:38.95
So we'll be right
back, stay with us and amen.
00:27:38.99\00:27:42.79
I just love this
program but it scares me.
00:27:42.82\00:27:45.09