The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome back.
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You know, when we talk
about somebody's issues
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that we really do fight an enemy
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that's bigger than us.
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So specially when we
talk about addictions
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and we talk about despair
and all of that kind of stuff
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and I really am amazed
at in the story of Joshua
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well, when Jesus says,
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I'm just gonna
silent all the voices
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and I want you to
just to look at Me
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because we're gonna
make it through this.
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You know, Jim, I
first heard your story
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and I was amazed at
what God has led you from
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and what you're
dealing within your life
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and now what you are
stepping out a ministry to do.
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So I'm just gonna
turned it over to you and say,
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tell the viewers
what you told me.
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Sure.
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My story begins with suicide,
truly after I learnt to walk
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for reasons why
I don't understand.
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My mom left, I was four
or may be five years old
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there were no
telephone calls on my birthday,
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they were no birthday cards.
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She took with
her my grandfather,
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my aunt, my uncle my,
entire family tree had left.
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So at age five or six
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I started to feel
invisible to the world.
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When I was nine
she wrote me a letter
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and said that she had
a-- I had a new brother
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and that maybe one day
I could come and visit.
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So my nine-year-old
mind I was replaceable,
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I was disposable.
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I spent most of
my childhood mourning
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the fact that my mom was gone
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and then my mother and
father have got into a divorce.
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When I was about
age ten my father--
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Who did you live
with during that time?
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Well, my father got remarried--
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Okay. When I was five.
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It was an integrated
family and I had a step-mom
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and I didn't really
blend well with that family.
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They were decent people.
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They weren't angry
with me or anything nearly,
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they provided and cared for me
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but I was being starved
of a nurturing relationship.
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You know, this hugs and kisses
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that little kids need
and they need to know that,
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they need to know the affection
and love from a mom and dad.
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I just didn't get that.
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By the time I turned
to age ten for reasons
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I don't know my father
became an angry person,
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and I got the
wrath of his anger.
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Growing up it was a
non uncommon to be called
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or kinds of names having to
dodge food being thrown at me,
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I felt nights I would
be called out of my bed
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and have to stand there
in attention like a soldier.
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And he would be
rate me and make me feel
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even more like an animal.
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Frequently he told me
I will make you a break,
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that was his
attitude about raising me.
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And the problem
was, was that in school
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I was depressed and I
had hard time with academics.
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Academics were
always the trigger point,
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I would bring
home this bad grades
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and he would call
me a loser and idiot.
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He had what he
called an idiot list,
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and I would have to take
the idiot list to school daily
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and then the
teachers would fill it out
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and the other kids
would make fun of me
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and the idiot list--
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You know, was truly
tough is that whole spiral
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is that if I'm
depressed, if I'm stressed
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and I'm dealing with
all that kind of stuff,
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I can't concentrate at school.
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So there's no way
as I kind of even know
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if I'm stupid or not.
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I can't, you know, I
cant, I don't get it,
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I don't get anything.
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Well, school was more of a,
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it was more of a
safe house for me.
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I wasn't trouble, I
fell it danger at home,
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but when I went to
school I get a decent meal,
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there was no one
calling me names,
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you know, I used to
listen for the door,
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you know, back
door being slammed shut.
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I knew is he
gonna be in a good mood
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or is he gonna be in a bad mood.
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I would hear a
plate or something break
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and then I would
think is this meant for me?
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And I would always live in this
constant state of fear anxiety.
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But when I went to school
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I didn't feel anything like that
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and so I felt
that reason at school
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wasn't really
place of academics,
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it was simply a place to live
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and so that's why
my grades would suffer
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and then I would
bring home this bad grades
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and then you know people,
you know, I'll be always catch
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well, you are not
applying yourself,
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you know, and so by the
time I was in the ninth grade,
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you know-- one of the
things he'd like to do was
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is I would have to sit
in this iron metal chair,
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and I would have to sit
there from morning to sunset
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or when I went to bed
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or when I got home from
school until I went to bed.
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Sometimes it could be days,
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sometimes it
could be weeks at a time
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and I found when
I'm sitting with chairs
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I would think about,
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I would fantasies
about flying away to heaven.
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You know, or I
would sit in school
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and I would fly away to heaven.
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I found that if I
fly away to heaven
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then tehse problems
will no longer bothering me.
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Right, I can go
into a safe place.
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A place where
I'm loved and belong.
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Yep, so my initials
interaction with suicide
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was quite innocent of itself.
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I remember distinctly
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and I would
start to feel better,
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I would start to think
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I'm taking
control of a situation
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that I have no control of
and I have control over it
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if I think about flying away.
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So by the time I finished
my freshman year in high school
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I had barely graduated there
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I almost did make
it to the 10th grade
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and I got no
letter from the school,
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and the school
said that basically
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they had impounded my grades
because I over due text books
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and then I had damaged
over due library books,
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I damaged some text books.
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And I was afraid to bring
this home this letter to him
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because I knew it was bad enough
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that I had just
passed and it was this money
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and I just
involved and I just knew
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they are gonna call
stupid and just start the other.
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So I was home alone
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and I just decided
to take this letter
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and throw it away.
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I wasn't gonna
tell him about this.
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I dread it
myself-- I dread it summer
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after summer after summer.
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Most kids look forward
I think that's one thing--
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But I'm home the whole
time now, I can't do it.
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If there's educators out there,
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I think if they have
a child who is afraid
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and most kids want
to be away from school
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but if you have
children who gravitate,
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they don't want to go
home that should be a key
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that there's
something wrong at home.
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And so I didn't want
to be that summer and so
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he wasn't home that day
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and I remember
wandering through the house,
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I remember thinking if I
pick the point of his guns
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and I pulled the
trigger it would all be over
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and I remember
feeling a sense of peace
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I was like, I'm gonna do it.
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That's the answer.
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Yep, I'm gonna
surrender my life to suicide.
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You see all I had-- I remember
thinking at that moment time
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my will to live realize
that I was very serious.
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And I remember it put up this,
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what are we talking about here?
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I went into
wherever the guns were kept
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and I opened the gun
can and I pulled out the gun
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and I loaded it,
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I held it my hands I felt alive
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and I remember
thinking you can't hurt me,
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wherever I go you can't hurt me.
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Because
ultimately I have this out.
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Yes, I created an out.
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I mean, when
people encountered me
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post suicide they had
this attitude that one day
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I just woke up picked up a
gun and shot myself this is all,
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they understand that
it was a literally a life
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to suicide march.
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You were seduced into suicide.
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Yeah, it required an effort,
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and my will to live
would not just let me do this.
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So I remember I unloaded
the gun and put it away.
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I shut the gun
can, I remember thinking
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I have a way out now.
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So sure enough he
found out about the letter,
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it was a terrible summer
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you know 1985, in
the back of my mind
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I remember thinking
you can't hurt me anymore,
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you cannot hurt me.
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So finally in the fall--
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And this is my ultimate
almost getting back at you too.
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As I want you to find me
even, you know, it's like,
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you know for years of all
of this stuff I'm going out.
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I was invisible.
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You know my own mother
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I wasn't worthy of a
phone call on my birthday.
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You know, my
father, my biological father
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I was a piece of garbage
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and the rest of
the world didn't see
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what was happening.
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So I was-- you
know, there was times
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I even prayed to God.
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I was like Heavenly Father,
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please make him stop hurting me.
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And when God I
didn't see God respond,
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I remember thinking I'm really
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have no value,
no meaning in life.
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No one sees me. No one sees me.
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So by the fall of
1985 I started myself
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and I remember I
started planning.
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I had to realize what
was been my tolerance level,
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what baleful
means I had access to--
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did I have access to drugs,
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what kind of caliber weapons,
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was there a high
place that I could jump.
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And so again my will
to live is resisting this?
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I remember going--
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So you know,
what I've got to say
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just like any addiction
that as somebody was suicide
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as we do that we really
are finding hope and joy
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and a little bit of
peace in all of the planning
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so you know this is
not, this is almost like
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I have something to do now
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and I have something to
do that I have control over.
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I found myself I actually
enjoyed the planning of it..
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I mean it was-- because
it was my own little world.
00:08:48.74\00:08:51.50
You know, it was kind of like
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it was like my
secret from everybody else.
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You know-- and part of
my planning was as I knew
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that I would be dead
by the summer of 1986.
00:08:57.74\00:09:00.41
So I figured I had at least
nine months to savor my life.
00:09:00.44\00:09:04.65
I remember
going into the library
00:09:04.68\00:09:06.19
and opening up an encyclopedia
and looking up suicide
00:09:06.22\00:09:09.11
and I remember
distinctly had said,
00:09:09.14\00:09:11.06
people who are suicidal
demonstrate these symptoms.
00:09:11.09\00:09:13.77
And so I made a
point to talk openly about
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not graduating high school.
00:09:16.39\00:09:17.55
I remember giving
things away, you know,
00:09:17.58\00:09:20.21
because my will to live was like
00:09:20.24\00:09:21.66
this is out of control.
00:09:21.69\00:09:23.40
I need someone to help me.
00:09:23.43\00:09:24.63
Yes, my
subconscious mind was saying,
00:09:24.66\00:09:26.92
hey thanks for
getting out of control.
00:09:26.95\00:09:29.84
I didn't know how to
come up and say to someone,
00:09:29.87\00:09:31.87
hey, I'm thinking
about killing myself.
00:09:31.90\00:09:33.39
And typically when people say
00:09:33.42\00:09:35.28
I'm really struggling with life,
00:09:35.31\00:09:36.97
I'm really thinking
about taking my life
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the response is
don't talk crazy like that.
00:09:38.88\00:09:41.15
You know why would you--
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you'll start
shutting this person down
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and isolating them
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when they need
connection and so--
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So they're all
connected with very plan again.
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Yeah. Which is huge.
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I mean, you know,
thank you for sharing that,
00:09:52.39\00:09:54.09
because I really did get
that full picture as they're--
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if they're not gonna
be able to talk to anyone,
00:09:57.52\00:09:59.26
the only comfort
they're gonna get
00:09:59.29\00:10:00.76
is in the planning.
00:10:00.79\00:10:01.87
Yeah, suicide really in
that respect looking back
00:10:01.90\00:10:04.82
it had its own personality.
00:10:04.85\00:10:06.78
It had its own face about it.
00:10:06.81\00:10:08.72
You know it would sense
00:10:08.75\00:10:10.12
that I was kind of wandering
back towards life thinking
00:10:10.15\00:10:12.79
because there was days
when you, you would long.
00:10:12.82\00:10:15.13
I want this and then
you will live is like
00:10:15.16\00:10:17.32
I can't do
this, I can't do this.
00:10:17.35\00:10:19.16
And so this is
up and down spiral
00:10:19.19\00:10:20.71
and then it would always kind of
00:10:20.74\00:10:21.81
once it knew it hand somebody,
00:10:21.84\00:10:23.74
it would start tossing
me, yanking me towards it.
00:10:23.77\00:10:26.99
I love the way
you express that, Jim,
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because you are just
talking about its almost--
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you know, we forget
that there is an enemy
00:10:31.57\00:10:33.45
and there is a demonic influence
00:10:33.48\00:10:36.09
when we do get
lost in that despair
00:10:36.12\00:10:38.49
and I think
that's why Jesus warns us
00:10:38.52\00:10:40.87
constantly is look at Me
00:10:40.90\00:10:42.92
because the enemy can
get you so lost in yourself
00:10:42.95\00:10:46.08
that would look like a
great solution a good out.
00:10:46.11\00:10:49.05
It's a lie. You
know, it really is a lie.
00:10:49.08\00:10:51.19
It really is.
00:10:51.22\00:10:53.28
So you try to reach
out nothing happens,
00:10:53.31\00:10:56.31
you go back to the plan.
00:10:56.34\00:10:58.17
So by December 1985
I knew that I would be,
00:10:58.20\00:11:01.21
I stopped initiating
as soon as it caused.
00:11:01.24\00:11:04.09
I reached the point where
I didn't want anyone to know
00:11:04.12\00:11:06.02
that I was
going to take my life.
00:11:06.05\00:11:07.96
I'd signs sealed
deliver in my life to a suicide.
00:11:07.99\00:11:11.69
I'd enjoyed Christmas.
00:11:11.72\00:11:12.95
Typically people sometimes
were contemplating suicide
00:11:12.98\00:11:15.01
enter that peace mood,
that's the eye of the storm.
00:11:15.04\00:11:18.30
So explain that 'cause
when somebody sees that mood,
00:11:18.33\00:11:21.13
they think oh, they
must have gotten over it.
00:11:21.16\00:11:22.56
Yes, that's the
most dangerous point.
00:11:22.59\00:11:24.04
Because that's the point
00:11:24.07\00:11:25.11
when they reach
the resolution phase
00:11:25.14\00:11:26.62
well, this is, it's
all on the table I'm done.
00:11:26.65\00:11:29.52
This is when they
start doing things like
00:11:29.55\00:11:30.88
making final arrangements
saying goodbye to people,
00:11:30.91\00:11:33.54
I remember
saying goodbye to people
00:11:33.57\00:11:35.49
you know because I'm done.
00:11:35.52\00:11:37.51
Even saying like you know,
00:11:37.54\00:11:38.64
what you have been
one of my closest friends
00:11:38.67\00:11:40.73
and I just want
you to know that,
00:11:40.76\00:11:42.69
'cause it sounds
real innocent but for me,
00:11:42.72\00:11:45.43
it's that when you
find me dead don't forget.
00:11:45.46\00:11:48.89
That I really
did like you, yeah.
00:11:48.92\00:11:50.92
And so one thing your
viewers could understand is,
00:11:50.95\00:11:53.74
if somebody if they ever
have that moment of something
00:11:53.77\00:11:56.12
doesn't seem right to
not ignore that moment.
00:11:56.15\00:11:58.68
You know, and so
finally January 23rd
00:11:58.71\00:12:01.54
it's a Thursday I come home
and because I had plan to die,
00:12:01.57\00:12:04.89
my grades it was the
worst semester of my life,
00:12:04.92\00:12:07.05
I mean it was just
absent, red ink everywhere
00:12:07.08\00:12:09.84
and fate had
played my hand that night.
00:12:09.87\00:12:12.69
My brother who is
seven years younger than me
00:12:12.72\00:12:15.28
had also had
some marginal grades
00:12:15.31\00:12:17.88
and it was just him
my stepmother and me
00:12:17.91\00:12:20.76
and my brother was
crying and he had seen
00:12:20.79\00:12:23.57
what had
happened to me growing up
00:12:23.60\00:12:24.89
but he is very
fearful of the wrath
00:12:24.92\00:12:26.98
that my father was
gonna impose in his life.
00:12:27.01\00:12:29.68
So my stepmother
is comforting him
00:12:29.71\00:12:32.12
and being there for him,
00:12:32.15\00:12:33.31
I'm kind of on my
own here in the kitchen.
00:12:33.34\00:12:35.14
Because that's
her biological child.
00:12:35.17\00:12:36.20
That's here child, yeah.
00:12:36.23\00:12:37.68
And so she looks at
me and she says to me
00:12:37.71\00:12:39.40
she says, for your sake
00:12:39.43\00:12:40.75
I hope your
grades aren't bad as his
00:12:40.78\00:12:42.82
because I couldn't pass
to your father to hurt you.
00:12:42.85\00:12:45.57
I mean, the man had
thrown chainsaws at me,
00:12:45.60\00:12:47.75
he had to pull the
server on the side of the room
00:12:47.78\00:12:49.81
in the middle of the night
00:12:49.84\00:12:50.87
and yelled at me
turned out the lights.
00:12:50.90\00:12:52.29
And so, I before I had
sense some threatening my life
00:12:52.32\00:12:54.59
before so I had no doubt.
00:12:54.62\00:12:57.07
I believe that she was
telling me was the truth.
00:12:57.10\00:12:59.50
So I looked at her
and said no my grades
00:12:59.53\00:13:01.19
are actually very good
though they were in my pocket.
00:13:01.22\00:13:03.67
I said I'm having free on Monday
00:13:03.70\00:13:05.67
and it's the best
semester of my life.
00:13:05.70\00:13:07.79
And she bought the lie,
00:13:07.82\00:13:09.91
and she's well,
how that happened?
00:13:09.94\00:13:10.99
I said, I applied
myself and she said okay.
00:13:11.02\00:13:13.95
So you said the very words that.
00:13:13.98\00:13:15.52
I said the buzz words,
00:13:15.55\00:13:16.74
I said the buzz
words and they accepted it.
00:13:16.77\00:13:19.25
In my mind I remember thinking
00:13:19.28\00:13:20.66
I had literally
gone to a great airport,
00:13:20.69\00:13:23.15
I punched a ticket
00:13:23.18\00:13:24.21
and I would be
hopping in a jet plane
00:13:24.24\00:13:25.30
and the next I
was gonna be gone.
00:13:25.33\00:13:27.41
And so my father came home
00:13:27.44\00:13:29.11
and she said all
his grades are good
00:13:29.14\00:13:30.20
and I'm free on Monday,
okay so then following day
00:13:30.23\00:13:34.16
I know exactly how condemned
people feel on their way
00:13:34.19\00:13:37.15
to the gas
chamber to electric chair.
00:13:37.18\00:13:40.38
The colors were very vibrant,
00:13:40.41\00:13:43.14
the smell was
so much more acute,
00:13:43.17\00:13:46.48
I could see
things and hear things
00:13:46.51\00:13:48.77
and I think it was my will
00:13:48.80\00:13:49.97
if a bear came
charging through here.
00:13:50.00\00:13:53.09
Yeah, you'd be alert
and same my body is like
00:13:53.12\00:13:55.02
oh, my goodness
something is happening,
00:13:55.05\00:13:56.52
but isn't quite understand that
the threat is from the inside.
00:13:56.55\00:14:00.58
And I think that we
don't understand about
00:14:00.61\00:14:02.60
that even the rush that we get
00:14:02.63\00:14:04.88
is that everyone of your
nerve chemicals are your firing,
00:14:04.91\00:14:08.17
your biochemistry is
everything has charged,
00:14:08.20\00:14:10.57
you are very
present in that moment,
00:14:10.60\00:14:12.59
you're probably more alive
00:14:12.62\00:14:13.88
then you have been in your life.
00:14:13.91\00:14:16.00
I've never had that
moment like this since then,
00:14:16.03\00:14:18.81
I've never been
in that so real world
00:14:18.84\00:14:20.96
it's just even the
sun had its own color,
00:14:20.99\00:14:23.77
you know and I remember
walking through the hallways
00:14:23.80\00:14:25.54
at schools at the end of the day
00:14:25.57\00:14:27.38
and I remember the teachers
coming out on the hallway,
00:14:27.41\00:14:29.03
they're saying goodbye and kids
00:14:29.06\00:14:30.53
I remember
thinking please help me.
00:14:30.56\00:14:33.40
Somebody grab me.
00:14:33.43\00:14:34.46
Yes please, I remember making
eye contact with the principles
00:14:34.49\00:14:37.76
and the
educators and it is like,
00:14:37.79\00:14:39.14
in case of talking about
00:14:39.17\00:14:40.20
going to a
basketball game that night,
00:14:40.23\00:14:42.31
you know, they were
gonna go and live their life
00:14:42.34\00:14:43.62
and I remember thinking
why couldn't I be with them,
00:14:43.65\00:14:45.78
why couldn't I be normal?
00:14:45.81\00:14:47.42
I don't want to do this
but I'm like I can't my life
00:14:47.45\00:14:49.66
I cannot manage
this pain anymore.
00:14:49.69\00:14:52.66
And Monday is
coming. Monday is coming.
00:14:52.69\00:14:55.06
So I get on the school bus
we lived in a rural community,
00:14:55.09\00:14:58.82
the nearest ambulance
was 13 miles north of me,
00:14:58.85\00:15:01.15
the nearest
ambulance, excuse me,
00:15:01.18\00:15:02.44
hospital is 18
miles south it was nothing
00:15:02.47\00:15:04.43
but woods and cow pastures
00:15:04.46\00:15:06.61
and so there wasn't
a lot of people around.
00:15:06.64\00:15:09.05
I knew when I was gonna die,
I knew where I was gonna die,
00:15:09.08\00:15:11.72
I knew how I was gonna die.
00:15:11.75\00:15:12.86
So I had it all planned out.
00:15:12.89\00:15:14.76
I got off the school
bus, the bus driver said
00:15:14.79\00:15:16.41
have a great
weekend and drove away.
00:15:16.44\00:15:19.44
I went inside and I
initiated my suicide plan.
00:15:19.47\00:15:22.99
I went into my bedroom I
wrote out my suicide note,
00:15:23.02\00:15:25.70
I grabbed my report cards,
00:15:25.73\00:15:28.30
I went into the
bathroom I got a drink of water
00:15:28.33\00:15:30.23
I looked at myself in the mirror
00:15:30.26\00:15:31.34
and I'm thinking I'm
looking at a dead person,
00:15:31.37\00:15:33.81
I remember looking
at my eyes knowing that
00:15:33.84\00:15:35.44
I'm gonna be
dead with in the hour.
00:15:35.47\00:15:37.30
I went into where
the guns were kept,
00:15:37.33\00:15:39.64
I pulled out a 22 caliber rifle
00:15:39.67\00:15:42.17
people sometimes
have made fun of me.
00:15:42.20\00:15:43.71
They've said, why
didn't you use a larger gun,
00:15:43.74\00:15:45.19
you really didn't want to die
because that was the only gun
00:15:45.22\00:15:48.04
that I can
smuggle out of the house.
00:15:48.07\00:15:49.58
If someone had not been home
00:15:49.61\00:15:51.33
I would certainly
use the larger gun,
00:15:51.36\00:15:53.38
I mean that was
how intent I was.
00:15:53.41\00:15:55.38
So I smuggle this
gun into my bedroom,
00:15:55.41\00:15:57.86
I stuffed my suicide note,
00:15:57.89\00:15:59.53
I stuffed the report
cards in my breast pocket,
00:15:59.56\00:16:02.37
I put a shirt and tie on
00:16:02.40\00:16:03.49
because I wanted to look nice,
00:16:03.52\00:16:04.82
suicide steals a
persons dignity I found
00:16:04.85\00:16:07.54
and then typically I think
when people die from suicide
00:16:07.57\00:16:09.84
they always seemed
to make a statement.
00:16:09.87\00:16:11.73
I wanted to look nice.
00:16:11.76\00:16:14.22
I started to climb
out of a bedroom window.
00:16:14.25\00:16:16.07
If you haven't seen me up
until now I want you to see me.
00:16:16.10\00:16:19.86
Yeah, at this point and time
00:16:19.89\00:16:21.72
I could say I knew,
when I was gonna die,
00:16:21.75\00:16:23.01
where I was-- had
it all planned up.
00:16:23.04\00:16:24.17
The only thing I did
not plan out that day
00:16:24.20\00:16:26.34
was there was a
Bible sitting on a shelf.
00:16:26.37\00:16:28.48
Somebody along my
lifetime had given me a Bible
00:16:28.51\00:16:31.31
and I grab this
Bible out impulse
00:16:31.34\00:16:32.99
and said I'm taking it with me.
00:16:33.02\00:16:34.44
This is my lifeline, I'm
gonna take this Bible with me.
00:16:34.47\00:16:36.42
I had never really read it,
00:16:36.45\00:16:38.30
really didn't know
the things of Gods,
00:16:38.33\00:16:39.60
so I threw it in my coat
pocket and climbed up the window
00:16:39.63\00:16:42.67
and I remember
running away from my house,
00:16:42.70\00:16:45.04
because I didn't
want anybody to stop me.
00:16:45.07\00:16:47.68
And so I ran down
this country lane,
00:16:47.71\00:16:49.05
it was about a
quarter mile onto the woods
00:16:49.08\00:16:50.68
I climbed a
briquette barbwire fence,
00:16:50.71\00:16:53.63
walked into the woods
and I sit down next to creek
00:16:53.66\00:16:56.90
and for an hour I
tried to woke up the nerve
00:16:56.93\00:16:59.12
to shoot myself to death
00:16:59.15\00:17:00.84
and at the end of this
time my will to live blink.
00:17:00.87\00:17:03.17
It was like a game of chicken
00:17:03.20\00:17:05.40
and I remember
thinking I can't do this.
00:17:05.43\00:17:07.00
So I unloaded the gun, I
started to walk back home
00:17:07.03\00:17:09.23
and then I remember the
life from the night before.
00:17:09.26\00:17:11.74
I had told them I would have
that report card for the Monday
00:17:11.77\00:17:14.56
and I knew there
would be consequences
00:17:14.59\00:17:16.21
because then I would had also
told them a lie on top of that.
00:17:16.24\00:17:20.22
So I walk back
down to the creek,
00:17:20.25\00:17:21.77
I sat down and tried
to opening up the Bible,
00:17:21.80\00:17:24.52
my frame of mind was so spurred
00:17:24.55\00:17:26.59
I couldn't read the
words and so I laid it down
00:17:26.62\00:17:29.71
and I remember I entered
into a attitude of prayer,
00:17:29.74\00:17:31.71
I distinctly
remember saying dear God,
00:17:31.74\00:17:33.27
please send an angel to save me.
00:17:33.30\00:17:35.66
And when I opened up
my eyes from that prayer,
00:17:35.69\00:17:38.18
I just imagine one
encounter burning bush,
00:17:38.21\00:17:40.23
I just knew
that I was so earnest
00:17:40.26\00:17:41.80
of my seeking after God.
00:17:41.83\00:17:43.76
And when I didn't
see the burning bush,
00:17:43.79\00:17:45.10
I remember hearing this
voice in my ear whispering,
00:17:45.13\00:17:47.05
even God doesn't care about
your life pull the trigger.
00:17:47.08\00:17:50.14
So the enemy was so.
Yes, it was in my face.
00:17:50.17\00:17:53.35
It literally for seven
months it had taunt in my life
00:17:53.38\00:17:55.23
and burned my
life down this pathway.
00:17:55.26\00:17:57.04
It was in my face
well, you pull the trigger,
00:17:57.07\00:17:58.69
pull the trigger.
00:17:58.72\00:18:00.48
So I loaded the gun,
00:18:00.51\00:18:01.55
I looked up to heaven
and laid it right here
00:18:01.58\00:18:04.12
and I reached down with my thumb
00:18:04.15\00:18:05.39
and I prepared to
entering the heaven
00:18:05.42\00:18:07.70
and I pulled the
trigger with my thumb.
00:18:07.73\00:18:10.47
And what came
after the end of that gun
00:18:10.50\00:18:14.18
I was not prepared for that,
00:18:14.21\00:18:17.41
I remember saying
it was Gods deemed
00:18:17.44\00:18:19.33
so my mouth before
I pulled the trigger,
00:18:19.36\00:18:20.85
it was His name on my
mouth as I fell to the ground.
00:18:20.88\00:18:24.60
I felt like-- I felt for
sure is gonna wake up in heaven
00:18:24.63\00:18:27.11
but I was wrong.
00:18:27.14\00:18:28.46
You know the force that came out
00:18:28.49\00:18:29.80
I wasn't ready for that,
and I was afraid to look down.
00:18:29.83\00:18:34.28
I didn't want to
see the damage done
00:18:34.31\00:18:38.10
and after couple of minutes
I happen to catch a glimpse of
00:18:38.13\00:18:42.48
I saw a little feathers
sticking out of my clothes
00:18:42.51\00:18:45.13
and I was in shock
and I remember thinking
00:18:45.16\00:18:46.95
I can go home
and put this gun away
00:18:46.98\00:18:49.31
and nobody will know.
00:18:49.34\00:18:50.37
I'll just clean myself,
00:18:50.40\00:18:51.59
and nobody will
know the difference.
00:18:51.62\00:18:54.83
Then I notice
that I couldn't breath,
00:18:54.86\00:18:56.42
I felt like warm creamy
soup filling up my coat.
00:18:56.45\00:18:59.49
I unzip my coat and I look down
00:18:59.52\00:19:01.10
and then I saw the blood
and I knew I was gonna die.
00:19:01.13\00:19:03.59
Once a bullet
leaves in the end of a gun
00:19:03.62\00:19:06.09
you can't bring it back.
00:19:06.12\00:19:07.50
I had-- suicide
had stolen my life,
00:19:07.53\00:19:09.92
that taunting voice I heard said
00:19:09.95\00:19:11.51
pull the trigger had shown me
00:19:11.54\00:19:14.06
that this is what
you supposed to do,
00:19:14.09\00:19:15.85
this is the answer to
your life suddenly grew quiet.
00:19:15.88\00:19:19.70
There were no more thoughts of--
00:19:19.73\00:19:20.93
I haven't hate
that 'cause when you say
00:19:20.96\00:19:22.48
suddenly grew quiet is
that enemy said I'm done here.
00:19:22.51\00:19:26.54
I actually won this battle
00:19:26.57\00:19:28.56
and I literally can
leave you to die by yourself.
00:19:28.59\00:19:31.00
It claimed my life. I hate that.
00:19:31.03\00:19:32.76
And I really feel like
the strategy of the devil
00:19:32.79\00:19:35.61
is so unfair like
that, is like you know
00:19:35.64\00:19:38.30
what I lie to you
until you pull the trigger
00:19:38.33\00:19:40.36
and then I'll laugh at you.
00:19:40.39\00:19:42.06
And that just makes me so angry.
00:19:42.09\00:19:43.49
That's the regret. Exactly.
00:19:43.52\00:19:44.81
There was a
moment of regret of like
00:19:44.84\00:19:46.02
what have I done.
00:19:46.05\00:19:47.14
I have a-- I remember thinking
00:19:47.17\00:19:48.49
I would take a
thousand reasons why?
00:19:48.52\00:19:50.91
I thought suicide was my answer
00:19:50.94\00:19:52.68
if could have my
life back the way
00:19:52.71\00:19:54.18
it was before I
pulled the trigger.
00:19:54.21\00:19:55.71
And though everything
I talked up to this point
00:19:55.74\00:19:57.48
was really kind of unbearable.
00:19:57.51\00:19:59.67
What I unleashed on my life
00:19:59.70\00:20:00.94
could not compare to
what I had just done.
00:20:00.97\00:20:03.43
I was gonna die
forgotten in these woods.
00:20:03.46\00:20:05.94
I didn't realize that I
would be afraid to die alone,
00:20:05.97\00:20:08.00
I didn't realize that I would--
that I was about to suffer
00:20:08.03\00:20:10.61
and or ordeal
that still to this day
00:20:10.64\00:20:13.01
I carry with those
terrible nightmares, the smells,
00:20:13.04\00:20:16.35
the taste of
gunpowder in my mouth, you know.
00:20:16.38\00:20:19.16
And so I'm thinking I
have to prepare myself to die
00:20:19.19\00:20:22.09
and these are my last thoughts,
00:20:22.12\00:20:23.99
that I'm gonna die alone
in these woods and forgotten.
00:20:24.02\00:20:26.39
And at that moment and
time I heard a voice in my ear,
00:20:26.42\00:20:29.28
in my mind I had
never heard before
00:20:29.31\00:20:31.54
because not only it
calmed me but it encouraged me.
00:20:31.57\00:20:36.29
It simply said to me
there are many reason live
00:20:36.32\00:20:39.46
and I remember
thinking, you know,
00:20:39.49\00:20:41.61
I would like to grow
up one day and be a daddy.
00:20:41.64\00:20:43.51
That's too late
I'm gonna die here
00:20:43.54\00:20:45.13
but I want to--
00:20:45.16\00:20:46.33
That might be the reason.
00:20:46.36\00:20:48.07
I want to just know what a
home full of love feels like.
00:20:48.10\00:20:53.07
And so I said I want to be a dad
00:20:53.10\00:20:56.64
and the voice said
that's a good reason grow now.
00:20:56.67\00:20:59.87
And so I
remember thinking you know
00:20:59.90\00:21:01.46
I'm not gonna
die in these woods,
00:21:01.49\00:21:03.50
maybe ill die
fighting for my least,
00:21:03.53\00:21:05.07
but at least I'll
know I fought dying,
00:21:05.10\00:21:08.55
I died fighting for my life.
00:21:08.58\00:21:10.47
So I remember I try to
crawl myself up to feet
00:21:10.50\00:21:13.83
and I started to
walk, run out of these woods
00:21:13.86\00:21:16.04
but it kept falling
over because of the affects.
00:21:16.07\00:21:17.74
By this time its really
starting take affects me
00:21:17.77\00:21:19.58
what I done to myself.
00:21:19.61\00:21:22.98
But this time the voice
again once again spoke to me
00:21:23.01\00:21:24.95
and this time it
was very firm with me.
00:21:24.98\00:21:26.47
Its kind of reminds
me when I have my kids
00:21:26.50\00:21:28.55
bouncing on the bed
after several times saying
00:21:28.58\00:21:30.54
listen stop jumping on the
bed, first you are real nice.
00:21:30.57\00:21:32.49
Hey guys, stop
the jumping on the--
00:21:32.52\00:21:33.55
You're gonna hurt yourself.
00:21:33.58\00:21:34.63
Yeah, they don't
listen so finally,
00:21:34.66\00:21:35.82
you kind of got
to be a dad or mom.
00:21:35.85\00:21:37.86
Stop jumping on the
bed little more firm
00:21:37.89\00:21:39.57
and they listen to that voice.
00:21:39.60\00:21:40.64
Well, this time
again the voice said to me
00:21:40.67\00:21:42.14
that very firm loving crawl.
00:21:42.17\00:21:44.86
So I remember thinking
I have a long way to go
00:21:44.89\00:21:46.73
nobody knows where am I--
00:21:46.76\00:21:47.80
So it's like
God is saying focus,
00:21:47.83\00:21:49.45
you have to focus right now.
00:21:49.48\00:21:51.00
You cannot stop right now.
00:21:51.03\00:21:52.58
Yeah, because I
mean, I'm in the woods,
00:21:52.61\00:21:55.15
there's nobody knows I'm gone.
00:21:55.18\00:21:56.98
I mean, I'm quarter
of a mile away from help
00:21:57.01\00:22:01.05
and so I
remember I start crawling,
00:22:01.08\00:22:03.27
and there's
been times in my life
00:22:03.30\00:22:04.87
I felt like my body was
bouncing off the ground.
00:22:04.90\00:22:07.70
I mean, I
barely had the strength
00:22:07.73\00:22:09.05
laying there in fetal
position or sitting breathe
00:22:09.08\00:22:11.76
why don't you get
through these words.
00:22:11.79\00:22:13.65
When I woke up in
the intensive care unit
00:22:13.68\00:22:15.21
I asked them why I
couldn't I open my left eye,
00:22:15.24\00:22:17.80
they said because your face
was traumatize being dragged
00:22:17.83\00:22:20.75
across the ground to
the rocks and the briars.
00:22:20.78\00:22:23.07
And I believe, I don't remember
how I got out into this field
00:22:23.10\00:22:26.23
but I remember something
waking up in this field
00:22:26.26\00:22:28.97
and I believe that God
didn't answer my prayer
00:22:29.00\00:22:30.71
and He sent an angel to save me.
00:22:30.74\00:22:33.13
You know, so I'm in this
field and I went into the woods
00:22:33.16\00:22:38.42
with this
pretty blue powder coat
00:22:38.45\00:22:40.16
with some of the color shirt
00:22:40.19\00:22:41.39
I'm wearing now
00:22:41.42\00:22:42.62
and happen to catch
a glimpse of myself.
00:22:42.65\00:22:45.71
You know, I hear the story
of the crucifixion in the whips
00:22:45.74\00:22:50.53
and what they did,
you know, to our Savior
00:22:50.56\00:22:52.29
and I just
there's blood everywhere
00:22:52.32\00:22:54.71
and then mud and
briars that's suicide
00:22:54.74\00:22:57.84
that's the real
monster, you know I'm dying.
00:22:57.87\00:22:59.78
There was nothing attractive.
00:22:59.81\00:23:00.84
There was
nothing attractive about.
00:23:00.87\00:23:02.14
It showed me pie in the sky
00:23:02.17\00:23:04.27
and there were romanticism of it
00:23:04.30\00:23:05.56
but the real nature--
00:23:05.59\00:23:06.62
There gonna find you
just lay down just nice.
00:23:06.65\00:23:08.97
Yeah, all nice but the reality
of it was it stolen my life.
00:23:09.00\00:23:14.27
So again the
voices call for help
00:23:14.30\00:23:17.41
and I remember
thinking nobody is going to--
00:23:17.44\00:23:19.60
I remember arguing
within there's nobody around me
00:23:19.63\00:23:22.61
how are they gonna hear me.
00:23:22.64\00:23:24.25
And so I was
like a at this point--
00:23:24.28\00:23:25.58
They haven't
heard me my whole life.
00:23:25.61\00:23:27.71
My whole life
I've been screaming out
00:23:27.74\00:23:30.12
and you are saying call out now
00:23:30.15\00:23:31.37
and I know that
that's ridiculous.
00:23:31.40\00:23:32.67
There's nobody around me.
And He is saying call out.
00:23:32.70\00:23:36.10
So what I didn't
know was on the one
00:23:36.13\00:23:38.70
in my own life God was working,
00:23:38.73\00:23:40.73
but He was also
working on an another level
00:23:40.76\00:23:42.36
that I could not see,
00:23:42.39\00:23:43.98
you know so I
started calling out for help.
00:23:44.01\00:23:45.98
And what He do is He
alert my little brother
00:23:46.01\00:23:47.62
who was the hero of the
day, who was sitting on a couch
00:23:47.65\00:23:50.75
and he felt this urgent
need to come stack firewood.
00:23:50.78\00:23:53.82
He felt this
pulling on his shirt
00:23:53.85\00:23:55.73
and so he ran out of the house
and he didn't even bundle up,
00:23:55.76\00:23:59.29
he just knew he had to go
stack firewood in the woods.
00:23:59.32\00:24:01.17
And so he came running
down and he stacks firewood
00:24:01.20\00:24:03.73
and to stack the
firewood and he finds me
00:24:03.76\00:24:06.23
and I remember
that's the first time
00:24:06.26\00:24:07.56
I ever had to admit anybody
that I shot myself on purpose.
00:24:07.59\00:24:11.13
I said, I shot
myself go get help.
00:24:11.16\00:24:13.84
And so I had-- he
went and got my grandfather
00:24:13.87\00:24:15.60
and my grandfather
came down and at that point
00:24:15.63\00:24:17.65
I had all I had was
time on my hands to think,
00:24:17.68\00:24:20.87
there's nothing
more than I can do.
00:24:20.90\00:24:22.02
You know the EMS
people were coming.
00:24:22.05\00:24:24.74
And so I remember
thinking to myself
00:24:24.77\00:24:26.68
if I survive this one I'm
never gonna do this again.
00:24:26.71\00:24:29.59
I valued my life
and life is truly a gift
00:24:29.62\00:24:33.57
and typically we take
things of value for granted
00:24:33.60\00:24:36.97
until they start of losing them.
00:24:37.00\00:24:38.71
You know, when
we're feeling healthy
00:24:38.74\00:24:40.98
we have a
tendency to take our health
00:24:41.01\00:24:42.10
for granted until we are sick.
00:24:42.13\00:24:43.54
When we're sick we thinking
00:24:43.57\00:24:44.60
I wish I could
have my health back.
00:24:44.63\00:24:46.66
Well, people who are
contemplating suicide
00:24:46.69\00:24:48.35
if they would
think that for a moment
00:24:48.38\00:24:49.82
that there may be the moment
when life and death collide,
00:24:49.85\00:24:52.53
when they think I wish
I could have my life back.
00:24:52.56\00:24:55.41
And so I wanted my life back
00:24:55.44\00:24:57.75
and so the police and
the EMS people arrive.
00:24:57.78\00:25:00.37
And I remember
the police officer
00:25:00.40\00:25:01.51
looking down at my face
and said who did this to you?
00:25:01.54\00:25:04.28
And I said I did this, sir.
00:25:04.31\00:25:06.18
You know and he shook his
head he walked away from me
00:25:06.21\00:25:08.66
and I remember thinking
he's gonna leave me to die.
00:25:08.69\00:25:11.28
You know, and so they package me
00:25:11.31\00:25:12.84
up in the paramedics
are there and I asked them
00:25:12.87\00:25:15.18
I said please promise
me that I'm not gonna die.
00:25:15.21\00:25:17.93
And the medics said
I'm not gonna promise--
00:25:17.96\00:25:20.16
he said to me I'm gonna
promise to try to keep you alive
00:25:20.19\00:25:23.24
and that's how bad I was going.
00:25:23.27\00:25:27.13
For several months this
is what I thought I wanted
00:25:27.16\00:25:29.59
but here I'm begging
these paramedics keep real,
00:25:29.62\00:25:32.35
please don't let me die.
00:25:32.38\00:25:33.41
And you know,
what's really got to me
00:25:33.44\00:25:36.35
Jim, as you are
speaking is that the voice
00:25:36.38\00:25:40.05
that tormented you
all of that six months
00:25:40.08\00:25:42.54
or all of that time
prior as the planning stage
00:25:42.57\00:25:45.46
the voice is no longer
there and now I can hear God
00:25:45.49\00:25:48.06
and I can hear my own thoughts.
00:25:48.09\00:25:49.99
And so it's incredible to
know that if I turn it over
00:25:50.02\00:25:54.41
and really ask to
silence that voice.
00:25:54.44\00:25:57.07
Yeah. That you chose life.
00:25:57.10\00:25:59.28
It was clear as
day, it was a sense of
00:25:59.31\00:26:02.02
I want to live
my life as a gift.
00:26:02.05\00:26:03.34
This is the truth, this is hope.
00:26:03.37\00:26:05.50
You know love faith
and hope are more powerful
00:26:05.53\00:26:07.47
than the weapons of the enemy.
00:26:07.50\00:26:09.12
You know, I mean that
had more power over that
00:26:09.15\00:26:12.05
what gun did to my life
and just a hope of life,
00:26:12.08\00:26:15.52
the gift of life and
love I mean at that time
00:26:15.55\00:26:17.98
I wasn't a father,
you know, I'm today
00:26:18.01\00:26:20.58
but it was the
future love of the promise
00:26:20.61\00:26:23.16
of knowing that one day,
00:26:23.19\00:26:24.30
you know, I had
spoken my heart desire.
00:26:24.33\00:26:26.03
I didn't want to grow up and be,
00:26:26.06\00:26:27.17
you know, rich and famous
00:26:27.20\00:26:28.25
and that I wanted to be a daddy.
00:26:28.28\00:26:30.07
I wanted to give
love to somebody else,
00:26:30.10\00:26:31.48
that was my hearts desire.
00:26:31.51\00:26:32.85
And that's what
God honored in my life
00:26:32.88\00:26:34.72
and that had more
power than what the monster
00:26:34.75\00:26:37.37
and want the enemy
had been showing me.
00:26:37.40\00:26:40.13
And so I was
able to survive that
00:26:40.16\00:26:42.01
and you know I
had-- the bullet came out
00:26:42.04\00:26:45.51
and missed my heart
valve by quarter of an inch.
00:26:45.54\00:26:48.48
It went inside, they still left
00:26:48.51\00:26:49.95
the part of the
fragment inside of me.
00:26:49.98\00:26:51.79
You know, the surgeons said
00:26:51.82\00:26:52.86
it was too close for
you-- for me to remove it
00:26:52.89\00:26:55.22
because I would
have risk paralyzing you.
00:26:55.25\00:26:58.16
And God really He
was there that day.
00:26:58.19\00:27:01.35
You know, my whole life
He was my Good Samaritan.
00:27:01.38\00:27:04.83
You know He came running to me.
00:27:04.86\00:27:06.66
You know, He demonstrated
His love to my life.
00:27:06.69\00:27:08.72
I was some forgotten
teenager that felt abuse
00:27:08.75\00:27:11.07
and neglected his whole
life invisible to the world
00:27:11.10\00:27:14.35
but God I cared to God.
00:27:14.38\00:27:15.95
All of heaven says, you know,
00:27:15.98\00:27:17.28
you have not been
an invisible to us.
00:27:17.31\00:27:19.79
So you are on the
way to the hospital,
00:27:19.82\00:27:21.80
knowing that this is serious
00:27:21.83\00:27:23.62
that you could
lose your life even yet
00:27:23.65\00:27:25.59
and now you're
trying to hold on.
00:27:25.62\00:27:26.93
Yes, you know I'm
fighting for my life
00:27:26.96\00:27:30.24
there's periods
of-- I'm blacking out.
00:27:30.27\00:27:33.89
They wheel me
into the trauma room
00:27:33.92\00:27:36.88
and I can remember
being in trauma room
00:27:36.91\00:27:38.75
and in and out of
focus-- I have just,
00:27:38.78\00:27:41.09
I have unusual
thoughts of memories
00:27:41.12\00:27:45.78
that I don't live--
I know I lost my life
00:27:45.81\00:27:47.83
at that some-- at
some point in time.
00:27:47.86\00:27:50.00
I went nearly
two hours out surgery
00:27:50.03\00:27:52.32
and I remember hearing
them opening up the chest tubes
00:27:52.35\00:27:54.79
and these surgical
instruments clinging around,
00:27:54.82\00:27:57.60
you know and I
knew that either "A"
00:27:57.63\00:28:00.04
I was gonna indeed
wake up in heaven or "B"
00:28:00.07\00:28:02.14
I was gonna wake up
upstairs in hospital
00:28:02.17\00:28:04.93
in the next 30 minutes.
00:28:04.96\00:28:06.29
This is where it
comes down to either
00:28:06.32\00:28:07.99
any of these surgeons
are gonna keep me alive
00:28:08.02\00:28:10.19
or indeed
suicide to claim my life.
00:28:10.22\00:28:13.07
And they started cutting into me
00:28:13.10\00:28:14.67
and I have the memories of that.
00:28:14.70\00:28:15.87
And again that's
the nature of suicide.
00:28:15.90\00:28:19.88
The next thing I
knew, I wake up alive,
00:28:19.91\00:28:22.30
you know, I'm
alive, I overcame all that.
00:28:22.33\00:28:25.57
You know the God was
merciful, He heard my prayer,
00:28:25.60\00:28:29.30
you know and the thief had
00:28:29.33\00:28:31.02
come to kill and destroy my life
00:28:31.05\00:28:32.67
but God came
that I may have life
00:28:32.70\00:28:34.41
and life abundantly.
00:28:34.44\00:28:36.19
But you know it's
really interesting
00:28:36.22\00:28:37.88
because I feel like that moment
00:28:37.91\00:28:40.13
when you wake up and that moment
00:28:40.16\00:28:41.53
where you thinking of what,
00:28:41.56\00:28:43.05
I have been given
this incredible gift now.
00:28:43.08\00:28:46.37
So once of looking at
this almost this tragedy
00:28:46.40\00:28:49.24
that I have to live is
like this gift of life.
00:28:49.27\00:28:52.14
And I just want
to say thank you.
00:28:52.17\00:28:54.24
I wanted to
embrace that, you know,
00:28:54.27\00:28:56.19
the sense of you
know this is my life,
00:28:56.22\00:28:58.63
this is my gift however suddenly
00:28:58.66\00:29:01.87
I had a inherited a new reality.
00:29:01.90\00:29:04.26
I was just 16-year-old boy
00:29:04.29\00:29:05.62
that had
purposely picked up a rifle
00:29:05.65\00:29:07.61
and shot himself in
the middle of the chest.
00:29:07.64\00:29:09.90
And people struggle
to say the words suicide.
00:29:09.93\00:29:12.23
Well, I became the
whipping board of suicide.
00:29:12.26\00:29:15.45
You know I was
called all kinds of names.
00:29:15.48\00:29:18.44
I was broken, I was a coward
and people offered me advice
00:29:18.47\00:29:22.47
on how to shoot
myself the next time.
00:29:22.50\00:29:25.13
I remember
trying to join the army.
00:29:25.16\00:29:26.35
You became a joke?
00:29:26.38\00:29:27.64
Yes, ridiculed, laughter,
00:29:27.67\00:29:29.74
you know for months
nobody would help me,
00:29:29.77\00:29:31.55
but they were quick to
come out and call me a name,
00:29:31.58\00:29:34.79
you know, offered me advice
again how to take my life.
00:29:34.82\00:29:39.18
And so trying and I
tried to join the military
00:29:39.21\00:29:41.55
and then they say
well, you're broken,
00:29:41.58\00:29:44.75
you're exempt from
service, you can't--
00:29:44.78\00:29:46.21
you know, we don't want you.
00:29:46.24\00:29:47.82
They weren't there when
I was hurting for months
00:29:47.85\00:29:50.01
I didn't want that for my life.
00:29:50.04\00:29:51.60
I thought that was my only
00:29:51.63\00:29:53.22
but in the-- the Spirit of God
00:29:53.25\00:29:55.92
and the joy of living
been able to overcome all that,
00:29:55.95\00:29:59.27
you know and I realize
my heart says dreams today
00:29:59.30\00:30:01.72
and that's working
reaching other people
00:30:01.75\00:30:03.57
may be contemplating
suicide, I call them my friends.
00:30:03.60\00:30:06.30
But, you know, let's
talk about that a little bit
00:30:06.33\00:30:08.43
because you know
you chose to live
00:30:08.46\00:30:11.03
and not only chose to
live but look at the stats
00:30:11.06\00:30:14.28
and what is the issue out there
and how many people like you?
00:30:14.31\00:30:18.53
Tell us some of the stuff
that you've learned since them.
00:30:18.56\00:30:21.41
Suicide is an
epidemic without a voice,
00:30:21.44\00:30:23.77
you know, typically
all epidemics have a voice,
00:30:23.80\00:30:25.62
suicide does not.
00:30:25.65\00:30:26.97
The World Health
Organization says
00:30:27.00\00:30:28.34
that every day 3,000
people take their life.
00:30:28.37\00:30:31.17
Everyday-- every
30 seconds someone
00:30:31.20\00:30:33.02
around the world
is talking their life.
00:30:33.05\00:30:34.73
I've always said that
people don't die from suicide
00:30:34.76\00:30:36.90
because they're like hope
00:30:36.93\00:30:38.08
I feel that you die from suicide
00:30:38.11\00:30:39.37
because they've put
their hope in death,
00:30:39.40\00:30:41.36
hope that death will set me free
00:30:41.39\00:30:42.88
from whatever
reasons why I hurt.
00:30:42.91\00:30:44.93
Every 30 seconds
someone takes their life.
00:30:44.96\00:30:47.32
For every successful suicide
00:30:47.35\00:30:49.02
there is 20 to 25 people
trying to take their life,
00:30:49.05\00:30:52.70
so 65,000 people globally
are trying to take their life.
00:30:52.73\00:30:56.31
I think suicide is a thermostat.
00:30:56.34\00:30:58.32
At this moment. At this moment.
00:30:58.35\00:30:59.86
Today there will be 3,000 people
00:30:59.89\00:31:01.31
that will take their life.
00:31:01.34\00:31:02.86
I mean every day
here in United States
00:31:02.89\00:31:04.69
20 to 25
veterans take their life
00:31:04.72\00:31:07.74
just veterans alone.
00:31:07.77\00:31:09.77
One in, every
one in 12 teenagers
00:31:09.80\00:31:12.64
in the United
States has a suicide plan,
00:31:12.67\00:31:16.09
one and six will
actually attempt the act.
00:31:16.12\00:31:20.46
But you know what
but one of the things
00:31:20.49\00:31:22.06
that you said that
that I just feel like
00:31:22.09\00:31:24.05
is so powerful is that
00:31:24.08\00:31:26.31
because they have put the hope
in death rather than in life,
00:31:26.34\00:31:31.00
because of
whatever's come against them,
00:31:31.03\00:31:34.02
you know, that this is a
slow seduction into a lie
00:31:34.05\00:31:37.33
that has now captivated
them, that's what my hope is.
00:31:37.36\00:31:41.27
Yes, I think if-- my
believe is to inspire people--
00:31:41.30\00:31:46.21
inform people inspire them.
00:31:46.24\00:31:47.59
Inform them that listen,
00:31:47.62\00:31:49.42
when the moment when
life and death collide
00:31:49.45\00:31:51.19
you may very well encounter
the same regrets that I did.
00:31:51.22\00:31:53.54
So many people are
dying from suicide.
00:31:53.57\00:31:55.40
Certainly my experience
wasn't limited to just me.
00:31:55.43\00:31:59.07
I know there's been other
people have taken their life
00:31:59.10\00:32:00.75
that experience, that moment
of I shouldn't have done that.
00:32:00.78\00:32:03.29
A friend of
mine, and I love him,
00:32:03.32\00:32:06.02
I miss him so much
00:32:06.05\00:32:07.08
but he stepped
in front of a train
00:32:07.11\00:32:09.09
and the last moment
the conductor said no,
00:32:09.12\00:32:11.57
I don't think it was a suicide
00:32:11.60\00:32:12.78
because he desperately
tried to get off the track
00:32:12.81\00:32:15.29
and it was that moment,
00:32:15.32\00:32:16.80
but he couldn't
make it off the track.
00:32:16.83\00:32:18.85
He's been seduce the same
thing that seduced my life.
00:32:18.88\00:32:21.63
It had stolen my life
00:32:21.66\00:32:24.23
and then to
inspire people to live,
00:32:24.26\00:32:27.14
you know, I wanted to
see people fall in love
00:32:27.17\00:32:29.16
with the joy of living again.
00:32:29.19\00:32:30.32
Life is for to
living, it really is a gift.
00:32:30.35\00:32:32.68
So how did you do that?
00:32:32.71\00:32:33.75
Because that, you
know, you say that
00:32:33.78\00:32:35.25
but that's not an easy journey
00:32:35.28\00:32:36.95
to fight against all of the lies
00:32:36.98\00:32:38.34
that you've
bought, all of the lies
00:32:38.37\00:32:39.77
that you have kind
of got up every morning
00:32:39.80\00:32:42.70
and it motivated you
to get through the day
00:32:42.73\00:32:45.13
and now you got
to confront those.
00:32:45.16\00:32:46.51
That's true.
00:32:46.54\00:32:47.59
The value-- I
believe you had the pain
00:32:47.62\00:32:50.87
that death
equals-- pain equals death
00:32:50.90\00:32:53.48
or life has value.
00:32:53.51\00:32:54.67
I believe our life value exceeds
00:32:54.70\00:32:56.74
greatly the pain of death,
00:32:56.77\00:32:58.98
you know and if you can
focus on reasons for living.
00:32:59.01\00:33:02.15
You know, it was
my desire to grow up
00:33:02.18\00:33:03.95
and be a dad for
me that was important.
00:33:03.98\00:33:05.41
That was more powerful
and that got me to rise up
00:33:05.44\00:33:07.38
out of that feel
position and go live my life.
00:33:07.41\00:33:10.12
I tell people
to count blessings.
00:33:10.15\00:33:12.07
You'll find one
reason to live today.
00:33:12.10\00:33:14.23
You know, find something
that you can hold fast to
00:33:14.26\00:33:17.30
and that's hope redirect your
hope from death back to life.
00:33:17.33\00:33:22.01
Encourage people to go get help,
00:33:22.04\00:33:23.43
go get counseling,
00:33:23.46\00:33:24.70
find out why-- where
your life went off the track.
00:33:24.73\00:33:27.36
If somebody doesn't
listen to you make sure
00:33:27.39\00:33:29.39
that you find someone else,
00:33:29.42\00:33:31.37
keep saying it keep
talking, keep doing that.
00:33:31.40\00:33:34.35
We're gonna
open up for questions
00:33:34.38\00:33:35.84
because I know that
people are gonna have
00:33:35.87\00:33:37.09
questions in the cafe.
00:33:37.12\00:33:38.56
Open up for questions and then
we get back on some questions
00:33:38.59\00:33:41.66
that I have for you.
00:33:41.69\00:33:42.85
Okay, Jonathon, I
know that you know
00:33:42.88\00:33:48.09
you're a teen self
so what about the issue
00:33:48.12\00:33:51.26
as far as your
friends and some people
00:33:51.29\00:33:53.90
that you know what's--
can you relate to anything
00:33:53.93\00:33:56.99
that he has talking about today?
00:33:57.02\00:33:59.75
Yes, Jim, my name
is Jonathon Dixon.
00:33:59.78\00:34:01.77
I'm from California
00:34:01.80\00:34:03.17
and I'm a sophomore
in college right now.
00:34:03.20\00:34:06.79
And I've had about two friends
00:34:06.82\00:34:08.98
that I know that
actually attempt to suicide
00:34:09.01\00:34:12.57
and both of them for one of them
00:34:12.60\00:34:14.27
I came after the failed attempt
00:34:14.30\00:34:17.11
and another one I was
able to come into the room
00:34:17.14\00:34:19.64
when they were doing it,
00:34:19.67\00:34:20.76
and I remember just asking them
00:34:20.79\00:34:23.35
why do you want this so much?
00:34:23.38\00:34:25.47
And their answer seemed to be
00:34:25.50\00:34:27.19
they just didn't
seem to feel that
00:34:27.22\00:34:29.10
there was
purpose for the next day.
00:34:29.13\00:34:31.27
And I know there's many,
many teens, I even myself
00:34:31.30\00:34:34.07
I remember it was
a time when I thought
00:34:34.10\00:34:35.69
I wasn't sure what my purpose.
00:34:35.72\00:34:37.42
I wasn't sure where
my talents where valued.
00:34:37.45\00:34:40.23
You know, what
would be my purpose?
00:34:40.26\00:34:42.51
I'm not good
enough to be a star on TV,
00:34:42.54\00:34:45.80
I don't feel
like I'm better than
00:34:45.83\00:34:47.33
the person sitting next to me.
00:34:47.36\00:34:49.35
What is my purpose?
00:34:49.38\00:34:50.81
And I'm just wondering what--
00:34:50.84\00:34:52.54
when was it when
or after the event
00:34:52.57\00:34:55.57
that you found
what your purpose was
00:34:55.60\00:34:58.29
or where did you
find your purpose?
00:34:58.32\00:35:00.16
That's a good question.
00:35:00.19\00:35:01.31
It took some time for me to find
00:35:01.34\00:35:04.02
I guess my purpose.
00:35:04.05\00:35:06.25
I had
originally-- my life mapped out
00:35:06.28\00:35:08.50
I guess normal for young folks.
00:35:08.53\00:35:11.23
I wanted to join the military
00:35:11.26\00:35:13.03
and then I wanted
to be a police officer
00:35:13.06\00:35:14.51
that was always my goal.
00:35:14.54\00:35:15.83
And then the suicide
barred all that for me.
00:35:15.86\00:35:18.86
I tried 25 times
to be a policemen,
00:35:18.89\00:35:21.75
25 times I was rejected.
00:35:21.78\00:35:23.34
They don't know there
was always the suicide
00:35:23.37\00:35:25.07
but it always as question,
00:35:25.10\00:35:28.02
have you ever
attempted suicide in the past
00:35:28.05\00:35:29.98
or have you ever been
hospitalized for depression?
00:35:30.01\00:35:31.68
And then so I was
like yeah, you know,
00:35:31.71\00:35:33.95
I of course I can't lie
about that scars are on in me
00:35:33.98\00:35:37.57
but I knew that I wanted
to help people with suicide.
00:35:37.60\00:35:40.94
I knew that my life
had been given back to me,
00:35:40.97\00:35:42.84
I haven given a tremendous gift.
00:35:42.87\00:35:44.78
I felt I was a steward,
my life didn't belong to me
00:35:44.81\00:35:47.91
but I was a steward of my life.
00:35:47.94\00:35:50.18
And so I wanted to
honor God with my life,
00:35:50.21\00:35:53.64
and I knew that I knew
00:35:53.67\00:35:54.78
how to speak to
people on that level.
00:35:54.81\00:35:57.40
Like your friends
in that situations
00:35:57.43\00:35:58.86
I knew by opening up a
Bible my own experience
00:35:58.89\00:36:02.08
it would help them
and I always thought
00:36:02.11\00:36:03.49
it would give glory to God
because you know there was--
00:36:03.52\00:36:06.20
my story is not so
much about one empty grave,
00:36:06.23\00:36:07.95
it's about two empty graves.
00:36:07.98\00:36:09.11
It's about the grave at
Calvary and that's empty.
00:36:09.14\00:36:11.70
What He did for my life
and I wanted to help people
00:36:11.73\00:36:14.43
but its taken 25
years to reach the point
00:36:14.46\00:36:17.44
where I could feel
comfortable talking
00:36:17.47\00:36:20.23
and saying to
people is my name is Jim,
00:36:20.26\00:36:22.16
I'm survivor of
the suicide attempt.
00:36:22.19\00:36:24.57
And it's been most of
life with a clock over my head
00:36:24.60\00:36:26.66
hiding from people afraid
that they would see my scars
00:36:26.69\00:36:30.12
and ask me, you know,
00:36:30.15\00:36:31.41
how did you get that nasty hole
in the middle of your chest?
00:36:31.44\00:36:34.31
But its not-- I believe a life
00:36:34.34\00:36:37.18
growing and
growing to it almost.
00:36:37.21\00:36:39.61
So I love the fact that you said
00:36:39.64\00:36:40.92
you found you
purpose and actually saying
00:36:40.95\00:36:42.78
how can I help
the people around me?
00:36:42.81\00:36:45.71
You know even in any
kind of 12 step program
00:36:45.74\00:36:49.70
if you really do a
program of recovery
00:36:49.73\00:36:52.35
well, the 12 step
is go tell someone
00:36:52.38\00:36:54.76
whatever it is that
you have figured out
00:36:54.79\00:36:56.72
in your life reach
out to the next person.
00:36:56.75\00:37:00.17
Will you talk about
Jonathon and I love this
00:37:00.20\00:37:02.90
when you talk about right now
00:37:02.93\00:37:05.27
we are so
disconnected as a society
00:37:05.30\00:37:08.51
that if you get
that in any level
00:37:08.54\00:37:10.71
and just say we're gonna connect
00:37:10.74\00:37:12.43
not on Facebook, not in gaming
00:37:12.46\00:37:14.61
but we're gonna go rock climbing
00:37:14.64\00:37:15.93
and we're gonna
go out and do this
00:37:15.96\00:37:17.27
or we're gonna play
music and jam together,
00:37:17.30\00:37:18.96
we're gonna do whatever
00:37:18.99\00:37:20.27
and we start to
connecting with each other
00:37:20.30\00:37:22.06
that's a purpose in life,
00:37:22.09\00:37:24.18
because people are dying
because they feel invisible
00:37:24.21\00:37:26.72
and that's what you're saying
00:37:26.75\00:37:27.78
is I felt
invisible my whole life.
00:37:27.81\00:37:30.13
You know, we
have another question
00:37:30.16\00:37:31.96
I know that Karen,
you had the question.
00:37:31.99\00:37:33.83
Yes, Jim, my name is Karen Owen,
00:37:33.86\00:37:37.14
and I have had
depressed moments in life
00:37:37.17\00:37:40.50
where I you know
felt like doing that
00:37:40.53\00:37:42.52
but I just felt like I couldn't
00:37:42.55\00:37:45.75
because it would be victory
for the other side not for me.
00:37:45.78\00:37:51.03
I was wondering you didn't say
00:37:51.06\00:37:52.33
anything about any
religious up bringing in that,
00:37:52.36\00:37:54.53
how did you know it was
God that was prompting you
00:37:54.56\00:37:58.77
and moving you
in such a direction?
00:37:58.80\00:38:02.67
That's a good question.
00:38:02.70\00:38:04.62
First I give all
the glory to Him.
00:38:04.65\00:38:06.29
I mean He was obvious He knew
00:38:06.32\00:38:08.62
what was gonna happen
long before that ever happened.
00:38:08.65\00:38:11.50
And so He brought
servants into my life
00:38:11.53\00:38:13.29
that were faithful.
00:38:13.32\00:38:14.70
I was drawn to
the things kind of--
00:38:14.73\00:38:17.14
we went to church three
times when I was growing up
00:38:17.17\00:38:18.93
we went to I think
on a Easter Sunday,
00:38:18.96\00:38:20.48
we went to a
funeral and a wedding
00:38:20.51\00:38:21.82
that was about the
extent of my experience growing
00:38:21.85\00:38:26.47
but there were people
00:38:26.50\00:38:27.54
who were faithful
in their walk with Lord
00:38:27.57\00:38:30.09
and somebody made
sure that I had a Bible
00:38:30.12\00:38:33.08
and I don't
remember that person that,
00:38:33.11\00:38:34.47
you know, that gave that to me.
00:38:34.50\00:38:35.89
You know when like
Ten Commandments were on
00:38:35.92\00:38:37.66
I was always glued not
because it was interesting
00:38:37.69\00:38:40.37
it is such a
spirit in that movie
00:38:40.40\00:38:42.57
that I just felt drawn to.
00:38:42.60\00:38:43.79
If I heard Christian radio
00:38:43.82\00:38:45.74
I would kind of
turn an ear to it.
00:38:45.77\00:38:47.58
I was being drawn.
00:38:47.61\00:38:50.23
You know, it's a God
before I ever knew God.
00:38:50.26\00:38:52.57
I love when you said
that for whatever reason
00:38:52.60\00:38:54.76
you walk out the door with a gun
00:38:54.79\00:38:56.21
and you see the
Bible that was given to you
00:38:56.24\00:38:58.43
and you grab it kind of--
to depressed to even read it
00:38:58.46\00:39:01.30
but it prompted
you and then pray.
00:39:01.33\00:39:03.76
On one hand I had a weapon
00:39:03.79\00:39:06.03
that was meant
to destroy my life,
00:39:06.06\00:39:07.38
in the other hand
I had a love letter
00:39:07.41\00:39:08.77
written to me from God.
00:39:08.80\00:39:10.41
It was meant to save your life.
00:39:10.44\00:39:11.59
Yeah, save my
life. That's incredible.
00:39:11.62\00:39:13.48
So you know I have to ask you
00:39:13.51\00:39:15.35
is that we talked
about nutrition on this thing
00:39:15.38\00:39:19.06
and that Jesus saying
that "I am the bread of life."
00:39:19.09\00:39:21.97
So what was the step
that it took to get you
00:39:22.00\00:39:24.76
into actually reading the Bible
00:39:24.79\00:39:27.02
and looking all of
that connecting with God.
00:39:27.05\00:39:29.24
What did that look like for you?
00:39:29.27\00:39:31.60
I felt like it was my Father.
00:39:31.63\00:39:33.58
I honestly it was
a time of excitement
00:39:33.61\00:39:38.24
I knew that God had--
00:39:38.27\00:39:40.22
it was like my road to Damascus.
00:39:40.25\00:39:41.92
I knew that God
had done that for me.
00:39:41.95\00:39:44.42
You know, the rest of
the world may have not
00:39:44.45\00:39:45.99
but if I was the only
believer in this world
00:39:46.02\00:39:49.38
I would know that there's a--
00:39:49.41\00:39:50.44
You know, I think
that you'll understand
00:39:50.47\00:39:52.42
this more than a lot of people,
00:39:52.45\00:39:54.07
when I came off the
10 years of homelessness
00:39:54.10\00:39:56.26
and that God I felt like
00:39:56.29\00:39:58.55
He kissed me on
the face every morning.
00:39:58.58\00:40:00.32
I felt like it's like He
can't wait to wake us up.
00:40:00.35\00:40:03.06
Like you know I could
see that in your life,
00:40:03.09\00:40:05.13
I gave you this life
00:40:05.16\00:40:06.52
and I can't wait
to show you today
00:40:06.55\00:40:08.78
what the joy of that gift was.
00:40:08.81\00:40:12.04
He really was it-- I
found myself enter the word,
00:40:12.07\00:40:16.35
you know, all I
met that you know
00:40:16.38\00:40:17.61
I had my 20's things fell apart.
00:40:17.64\00:40:19.72
You know, I have
some health problems
00:40:19.75\00:40:21.40
as a result of surviving that.
00:40:21.43\00:40:22.83
You know, then I had
to inherit this world
00:40:22.86\00:40:24.65
of the name calling
and being that person
00:40:24.68\00:40:27.35
and I fell into my
late 20's I was homeless.
00:40:27.38\00:40:30.37
You know, so but God has been
faithful in all of that even
00:40:30.40\00:40:33.87
when I walked away from
Him, He was still there.
00:40:33.90\00:40:35.61
He didn't walk away from
me, I walked away from Him
00:40:35.64\00:40:38.29
and He's always
been faithful to me
00:40:38.32\00:40:40.31
and I know that
He saved my life.
00:40:40.34\00:40:41.78
I know He saved my
spirit but He saved my life.
00:40:41.81\00:40:44.79
So you are now
you are dead? Yes.
00:40:44.82\00:40:48.02
So talk about that a little
bit that's pretty awesome.
00:40:48.05\00:40:50.53
Yeah, I love some of
the great joys in life
00:40:50.56\00:40:54.44
is wrestling
with stuffed animals.
00:40:54.47\00:40:55.80
We have-- my kids
don't just go to bed
00:40:55.83\00:40:57.96
there's like a
half hour long process
00:40:57.99\00:40:59.94
that they get
tucked in you know I mean--
00:40:59.97\00:41:01.46
We laugh together.
00:41:01.49\00:41:02.52
We laugh together,
00:41:02.55\00:41:03.58
there's lots of life in my home.
00:41:03.61\00:41:05.32
They don't that
psycho they don't go to bed
00:41:05.35\00:41:09.71
knowing that any moment
00:41:09.74\00:41:10.97
that there someone's
gonna break the door down
00:41:11.00\00:41:12.35
and dragged them out their bed
00:41:12.38\00:41:13.41
and called them
the meanie names.
00:41:13.44\00:41:15.72
You know, I just felt like
that the weight of all that
00:41:15.75\00:41:18.03
was stopped by the power of God.
00:41:18.06\00:41:20.31
So even the generational things,
00:41:20.34\00:41:21.78
the things that you could have
00:41:21.81\00:41:22.87
passed onto them, you have not.
00:41:22.90\00:41:24.96
I have not. That's incredible.
00:41:24.99\00:41:27.14
And that's
incredible to have somebody
00:41:27.17\00:41:29.37
that's watching just know that,
00:41:29.40\00:41:31.25
you know, all of that sadness,
00:41:31.28\00:41:32.48
all of that
trauma, all of that abuse
00:41:32.51\00:41:35.36
that literally you can
start to come out of that
00:41:35.39\00:41:38.81
and say I don't know
how I'm gonna trust you,
00:41:38.84\00:41:40.59
but I'm gonna trust you
00:41:40.62\00:41:41.66
even when I stumble
around with my life.
00:41:41.69\00:41:43.87
That's a choice, it
comes that we ultimately
00:41:43.90\00:41:46.35
we have our own-- you know
00:41:46.38\00:41:47.78
it was my choice
to pull that trigger.
00:41:47.81\00:41:49.79
It was my choice
to make those plans.
00:41:49.82\00:41:51.38
It was my choice
to call towards life.
00:41:51.41\00:41:52.84
It was my choice to
ask God to intervene.
00:41:52.87\00:41:55.39
And likewise I think if there
is this generational things
00:41:55.42\00:41:58.35
if it's a parent
that went through
00:41:58.38\00:42:00.18
those abusive
things in their home
00:42:00.21\00:42:01.94
and they have responsibility
that their children
00:42:01.97\00:42:03.58
they didn't ask to be born,
00:42:03.61\00:42:05.05
they have to make a choice that,
00:42:05.08\00:42:06.43
you know, something I'm not--
00:42:06.46\00:42:07.69
I know how bad things
can be it stops right her.
00:42:07.72\00:42:10.49
I'm drawing the line in the sand
00:42:10.52\00:42:11.60
my kids are not
going to experience that.
00:42:11.63\00:42:14.32
Even if I need to get help,
00:42:14.35\00:42:15.61
if I need to
call them the troops
00:42:15.64\00:42:17.57
I'm making this choice.
00:42:17.60\00:42:18.64
That's right, they
didn't ask to be born.
00:42:18.67\00:42:20.09
And so they--
00:42:20.12\00:42:21.15
we have a
responsibility as moms and dads
00:42:21.18\00:42:24.40
to take
ownership of our own things
00:42:24.43\00:42:27.22
and I take our
ownership and they say here
00:42:27.25\00:42:28.88
give it to a
little child and say here
00:42:28.91\00:42:30.48
you deal with this.
00:42:30.51\00:42:32.47
You know, I
just got to say that,
00:42:32.50\00:42:35.06
you know, I just
want to smile at God
00:42:35.09\00:42:36.92
and tell Him to thank
you for your very life,
00:42:36.95\00:42:39.70
for your very hope today.
00:42:39.73\00:42:41.38
We're gonna go
head and take a break
00:42:41.41\00:42:42.64
and come back and
close out the program.
00:42:42.67\00:42:45.72
I'd like you to come
back and talk to anybody
00:42:45.75\00:42:48.47
that's maybe
watching that is suicidal
00:42:48.50\00:42:50.90
and what would you say to them
00:42:50.93\00:42:52.43
and how would you pray for them,
00:42:52.46\00:42:55.10
even if you
could close in prayer.
00:42:55.13\00:42:56.81
Well, we're gonna be right back.
00:42:56.84\00:42:58.64
I'm so proud of God,
it's just ridiculous cool
00:42:58.67\00:43:01.36
that in the mist
of our craziness,
00:43:01.39\00:43:03.65
in the mist of our sadness,
in the mist of our pains,
00:43:03.68\00:43:05.85
so if you are in
pain I get all that.
00:43:05.88\00:43:08.16
But in the mist of all that
if we stop believing one life,
00:43:08.19\00:43:11.23
we stop believing
the devils himself,
00:43:11.26\00:43:13.40
but we stop
listening to all this torments
00:43:13.43\00:43:15.90
that the Holy
Spirit has time to say
00:43:15.93\00:43:17.70
you know what, I hope for you
00:43:17.73\00:43:19.75
and I know who you
are and I have a plan
00:43:19.78\00:43:22.06
and its not to cause you harm
00:43:22.09\00:43:23.56
its to give you
hope and a future.
00:43:23.59\00:43:25.75
We will be right
back, stay with us.
00:43:25.78\00:43:27.86