The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome back.
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You know at all of the
things that we cover here
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and all of the testimonies
that we do here Adam,
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this is probably
one of the most intense
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because I can just see exactly
what got you to this moment
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but now this guy is dead
and what is the next thing,
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I mean you knew he was dead
before you drove away, did you?
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No.
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He passed away a
couple days later.
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I ended up getting
arrested about it over it,
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and just started
this whole court process
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and you know
trying to figure out,
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you know, what's gonna
happen to me after that.
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So you getting
arrested for murder?
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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He pass away,
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they charge me with
first degree murder.
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You know there is cameras,
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cameras and my story
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was in the
newspaper everyday locally.
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Can I ask you, when you
talked about remember that
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where you said that
part of you that split off
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and went into a quiet place,
were you just freaking out?
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You know, could you
still hide in that quiet place?
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I'm not sure, that
time was a big blur.
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Okay.
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It was a lot happening.
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I don't know, if
there was just me
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being
constantly inside of myself
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and just not even being there,
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but it was just a lot of
stuff happening all at once.
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You know, I was charged,
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I was arrested all
the people that I hurt,
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you know at that time
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I still didn't care
about that aspect of it,
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but there was a lot of
people who that were just
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you know destroyed
on both ends of that.
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I think of myself
that was the first time
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I kind of wanted to lean on God,
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at the time I
thought hit peer intensions,
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it was just I was-- I wanted
to get out of the trouble.
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Right, I just--
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Yeah, I just didn't
want to get in trouble,
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and have to deal with
the consequences of it.
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I-- but on the surface
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I thought I
wanted to change my life.
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But I didn't I just
wanted to not be in trouble
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for the things that I've
done and I wanted to be--
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Because murder
is a big sentence.
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You know somebody calls
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that you can get
a toe tag sentence.
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Well, you're not
gonna get out into your dad
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and your toe is tagged,
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so you know some people
are looking at even that,
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and you knew that's was a
part what you were looking at.
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Yeah, and so I just--
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I was actually probably more
trying to make a deal with God
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to get me out of this situation.
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And then I would change my life,
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I wasn't actually
wanting to change my life.
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So what happened next?
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So I'm going
through the court process,
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you know, I started
attempting to go to church.
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In jail? In jail.
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I believe I had good intentions
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but the core of it was just that
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I wanted to not be in trouble.
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But you know like,
because I have to say
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that a lot of people
I mean, I'm well aware
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of what the
environment is like in jail
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because you have
whole culture in jail
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and that violence
carries over from the streets
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right into the cell.
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So even stepping
into that culture
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you really have
to watch your back
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and you really have
to know what your doing
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in order to survive
in that environment.
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And yeah, it's a
different environment,
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you just have to survive,
you have to become a animal.
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You cannot be soft,
you cannot have feelings,
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to survive you have
to just become an animal,
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and with me also
there was a lot of people
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that wanted to come after
me also in jail in prison.
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Because of this
particular murder?
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Because of what I did.
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Okay.
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And so I also
had a lot of people,
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you know, I had a
contract out of my life inside,
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and so I had to
watch out for that also.
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Because you were not a
nice guy prior to getting there?
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No.
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You know, that's what I think
a lot of you know that to me,
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I heard along your journey
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is that I've
heard a lot of people.
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So now, I'm in a
place where I can't run
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and a lot of those
peoples friends are saying,
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you know what we got
him, he's right here.
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And you know throughout all that
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even though I wasn't
aware of it at that time
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God was protecting
me for something bigger.
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I continued to go,
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you know,
through the entire trial,
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I ended up the jury of founding
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not guilty of
first degree murder,
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but found me guilty of
voluntary manslaughter.
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And so I was sentenced
to 11 or 12 years in prison.
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And so the next step of
my life as I go in there
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and as soon as that happened,
as soon as I was sentenced
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and had to
actually go to prison,
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I completely
dropped over God's stuff
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because like I said
earlier my intentions
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weren't to want
to change my life,
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I was just
agreeing to change my life
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if I didn't get in trouble.
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And so once I got in trouble
the deal was out the window
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and I didn't cared anymore.
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Yeah, I don't need You anymore.
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And I really, I
started to believe in God
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and so when that
happened I blamed Him also,
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just because I always
needed somebody to blame,
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everybody except for my self.
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And so I just blamed
God and I actually started
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to grow worse in prison.
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I was still violent,
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I just
constantly was doing drugs,
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but in there--
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I hate when you say
that, but I know it's true
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that you can get anything
you want in most prisons.
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Yeah, you can get
anything you want in prisons,
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there's-- is a sad fact of life.
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So nothing has
changed I just cant--
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I am stuck in this square.
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Stuck in this square.
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Just hating violent I
just, you know, living the life,
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I just became
the complete monster.
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You know, I got a
letter from my mother asking
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if she come visit me
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and my situation with my mother
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was the same as
with everybody else.
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There is a point
where she couldn't stand me
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because she was
just afraid of me
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and I could care less about her.
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But I agreed to
let her come visit
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and it was really awkward,
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I guess I can
sum it up by saying
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when she left I got up instead
of hugging my mother goodbye,
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even though I was
gonna be in prison
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for 10 years I shook her hand.
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That's how
disconnected you guys were.
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That's how disconnected
we were, I shook her hand.
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And but I just
started allowing her to come,
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there is this weird
small seed planted in me.
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I just want to cry
for you and for her, yeah.
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She wanted so
much. The both of you.
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I cry about still to this day.
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I mean, I've given the
guilt and everything over God
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but I just feel so
bad about everything
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that I put her through.
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So she continued to come visit?
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Yeah.
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You allowed it? I allowed it.
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Eventually we
started getting more cordial
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and you know, and
I started having--
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there's a lot of
people that are in prison
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that are lifers
that cant get out
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but they want to change--
they've changed their lives.
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They just can't get out.
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And so they saw something in me
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and they were trying to give me,
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you know, good advice, influence
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even though I was a young
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just knucklehead
kid who didn't care.
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But I would
listen and they told me
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they said the first
thing that broke the ice
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that I realize that
there's something really wrong
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with my thinking as they go
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why did you shake your
mom's hand when she left?
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And that was really weird.
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You didn't give her
hug, you shook her hand
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like it was
business deal or something.
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And I'm like, that isn't normal?
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Isn't that normal?
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No, that's not normal at all.
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And I was like, really?
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I mean, I
didn't understand that.
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So I just-- I don't know,
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I just started to getting old--
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the whole life
was just getting old
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and I was
running out of options.
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And so I just
slowly started listen
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to the advice of these
people that they're giving me
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and they're like you know, try,
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try even though
you don't mean it
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to just give your mom a hug.
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Tell her that it's not her fault
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that you are in here,
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and I'm like I
know it's not her fault.
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I'm like well,
she doesn't know that.
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Yeah.
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And I remember I
told her that one time
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and she just
started bawling, I was like,
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and I realized you really think
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it's your fault
that I'm in here.
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You know, because my
thinking was so messed up
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and I didn't know how
to associate with people
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and I realized that
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and that's when
I started realizing
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that everything I was doing
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was really
hurting everybody else to.
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The real breaking moment
where I just wanted to change
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for the first real time ever was
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when my 10-year-old
brother came to visit me,
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and this was just
absolutely heartbreaking
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because when he went to leave,
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you know he's 10-years-old
he didn't do anything.
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I complained everybody else
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but I cannot find a
reason to blame him.
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So you know, he looked at
me and he just started crying.
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And I said you want me
to come with you honey?
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He said yeah.
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He said, I can't
he started bawling,
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and I'm never going back
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just feeling the
worst person in the world
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because
everybody else had hurt me
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so I justified why
they were hurt by me
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but he never did
anything to me accept love me.
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That was the worst pain
I've ever felt inside of me,
00:10:47.27\00:10:49.50
I just hated myself.
00:10:49.53\00:10:51.78
But for a--
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I still couldn't
believe that I did that to him,
00:10:54.53\00:10:59.59
and so I just you
know I wanted to change.
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For the first time ever.
00:11:07.28\00:11:08.70
For the first time ever,
00:11:08.73\00:11:10.40
I wasn't a 100
percent into changing
00:11:10.43\00:11:12.37
but I wanted to
for the first time,
00:11:12.40\00:11:15.32
I wanted to because
I just felt horrible.
00:11:15.35\00:11:19.73
What an incredible, you
know, I feel like at that point
00:11:19.76\00:11:23.09
all of heaven knows that a man,
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we got-- we can now go in
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and start to bring
some health and love
00:11:29.26\00:11:31.29
and mending to this kid.
00:11:31.32\00:11:35.10
And for the first time
ever you're open to it.
00:11:35.13\00:11:39.85
And so slowly they
have like programs inside
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where I would allow
myself to go to like
00:11:46.12\00:11:47.79
different group therapy sessions
00:11:47.82\00:11:49.47
and just I had to completely
00:11:49.50\00:11:53.30
just build myself
up from the ground up.
00:11:53.33\00:11:54.89
I had no idea how to associate
or talk with people in general,
00:11:54.92\00:12:01.15
you know, I had
no social skills.
00:12:01.18\00:12:02.59
And even though
there was no social skills,
00:12:02.62\00:12:05.15
no foundation when
you talk about like,
00:12:05.18\00:12:08.05
even when you told us
00:12:08.08\00:12:09.50
a little bit even
about your story is,
00:12:09.53\00:12:11.37
there is no-- I don't think
00:12:11.40\00:12:14.20
you had anything
to reach in and find.
00:12:14.23\00:12:17.55
You have to literally
say that people around you,
00:12:17.58\00:12:20.44
what do I need?
00:12:20.47\00:12:21.52
What's my next step?
00:12:21.55\00:12:22.70
I did, I just I
told them I said,
00:12:22.73\00:12:23.85
I don't know how to
be-- I don't know what to do?
00:12:23.88\00:12:27.51
I don't know how
to talk to people,
00:12:27.54\00:12:28.69
I don't know how to associate
00:12:28.72\00:12:30.73
my reaction to everything
is getting mad no matter what,
00:12:30.76\00:12:37.13
I don't know what to do.
00:12:37.16\00:12:38.70
And so it was a slow process
00:12:38.73\00:12:42.67
and at this time I had nothing
to do with even God's still yet
00:12:42.70\00:12:45.38
it was just pure
psychological help
00:12:45.41\00:12:47.79
and so I started to
going to this programs
00:12:47.82\00:12:49.73
and I actually got
into these programs
00:12:49.76\00:12:53.43
where like a school schedule,
00:12:53.46\00:12:55.19
I would just go to
therapy classes all day
00:12:55.22\00:12:57.09
and they would work on certain
parts of what to help me of.
00:12:57.12\00:12:59.98
Challenging your thinking.
00:13:00.01\00:13:01.28
Challenging me
or just helping me
00:13:01.31\00:13:04.36
and it was different
aspects of psychology,
00:13:04.39\00:13:06.41
different aspects of just
being a social with people,
00:13:06.44\00:13:08.97
different aspects of
adequate morality whatever in--
00:13:09.00\00:13:14.79
I would go just like a
school schedule all day
00:13:14.82\00:13:17.55
and I would just
live in this program
00:13:17.58\00:13:18.95
and do that all
day for about two years
00:13:18.98\00:13:23.96
and then overall I
did about six years
00:13:23.99\00:13:29.48
of just constant almost
24/7 therapy for six years,
00:13:29.51\00:13:36.41
before I got to the point
00:13:36.44\00:13:37.92
where I was
ready to actually start
00:13:37.95\00:13:41.50
and accept what I have done
00:13:41.53\00:13:45.88
and start
dealings with problems.
00:13:45.91\00:13:48.45
But I had to learn
how to be a person first
00:13:48.48\00:13:51.84
before I could
learn how to help,
00:13:51.87\00:13:54.69
what had been
broken inside of me.
00:13:54.72\00:13:56.27
And even that you know, I
love when you say that, Adam,
00:13:56.30\00:13:58.29
because you said you
know like I had to learn,
00:13:58.32\00:14:01.06
you had to be human
00:14:01.09\00:14:02.54
before I could
learn that man, I'm sorry.
00:14:02.57\00:14:05.06
Yeah.
00:14:05.09\00:14:06.12
You know, what I
said was not okay.
00:14:06.15\00:14:09.08
What emotions were
and how to deal with them.
00:14:09.11\00:14:15.05
So six or seven years
in I got to the point were
00:14:15.08\00:14:22.17
I was ready to
really work on myself,
00:14:22.20\00:14:26.25
I was ready to really
getting myself over to God
00:14:26.28\00:14:29.16
and keep in
mind this whole time,
00:14:29.19\00:14:30.25
I'm still doing lots of drugs.
00:14:30.28\00:14:31.61
I'm just-- you
know I didn't know
00:14:31.64\00:14:33.48
how to do anything,
I'm still just high 24/7
00:14:33.51\00:14:37.70
because I'm not ready to
just be alone with myself.
00:14:37.73\00:14:41.63
And I actually got invited
to this class at church chapel
00:14:41.66\00:14:49.40
called Celebrate Recovery.
00:14:49.43\00:14:51.72
I had known nothing about
it, I never heard about it,
00:14:51.75\00:14:55.43
I don't even know who
signed me up and invited me
00:14:55.46\00:14:58.38
but I went for some reason.
00:14:58.41\00:15:00.38
And I loved it.
I loved the people.
00:15:00.41\00:15:03.87
I loved the honesty.
00:15:03.90\00:15:05.88
It wasn't fake, you know,
00:15:05.91\00:15:09.93
and they were able
to say that the reason
00:15:09.96\00:15:13.05
that they've changed is God.
00:15:13.08\00:15:15.84
You know as opposed
to, you know higher power.
00:15:15.87\00:15:19.72
I'm not putting that
down and so wonderful thing,
00:15:19.75\00:15:22.34
but we were able to openly say
00:15:22.37\00:15:24.62
God is the reason I'm
not doing drugs everyday,
00:15:24.65\00:15:28.28
and He is the only reason.
00:15:28.31\00:15:31.13
He is the only reason
that I changed my life,
00:15:31.16\00:15:32.83
He is the only reason
that my family loves again,
00:15:32.86\00:15:36.96
you know, and I'm saying
the same thing now today.
00:15:36.99\00:15:39.90
And so at point we talked about
00:15:39.93\00:15:41.85
even at the
beginning of the program
00:15:41.88\00:15:43.39
optimism or hope or faith,
00:15:43.42\00:15:45.80
you know you
started to have faith
00:15:45.83\00:15:48.08
that there is a
God bigger than this
00:15:48.11\00:15:49.70
that can actually pull
me out of this craziness.
00:15:49.73\00:15:52.42
Yeah, well, I looked at it
00:15:52.45\00:15:54.27
and like some people
were given me the story.
00:15:54.30\00:15:57.44
Well, yeah, you can go to church
00:15:57.47\00:15:58.64
but you're still
human, you're gonna sin.
00:15:58.67\00:16:00.91
And I'm thinking,
well, that gives the--
00:16:00.94\00:16:03.08
that gives the
devil more power than God.
00:16:03.11\00:16:06.10
And at this point
I did believe in God
00:16:06.13\00:16:07.44
and I'm thinking no God
has more power than the devil.
00:16:07.47\00:16:10.83
So He does have the
power to change you.
00:16:10.86\00:16:13.49
And that's what I
was thinking its--
00:16:13.52\00:16:16.95
if people are taught that
even though you want to change
00:16:16.98\00:16:21.65
you are still not
going to because you're still
00:16:21.68\00:16:23.81
just human,
you're still gonna sin,
00:16:23.84\00:16:25.72
than you are taking a
lot of power away from God
00:16:25.75\00:16:27.48
and you are
saying that the devil
00:16:27.51\00:16:28.77
actually is more powerful
than Him in that aspect.
00:16:28.80\00:16:32.60
And I don't believe he is.
00:16:32.63\00:16:33.72
And I love that,
because you are talking
00:16:33.75\00:16:35.11
about from a gangster
for somebody on the street,
00:16:35.14\00:16:38.13
somebody that
powers stuff is important,
00:16:38.16\00:16:40.61
that balance of
powers are important.
00:16:40.64\00:16:43.10
And you're saying
that you kidding me
00:16:43.13\00:16:44.16
you want me step
over and give my life
00:16:44.19\00:16:46.89
to the somebody
that can't do it.
00:16:46.92\00:16:50.00
And what I really
believe, I love what you said
00:16:50.03\00:16:52.98
'cause I believe
that as God can do it.
00:16:53.01\00:16:55.05
The balance of
the powers not even,
00:16:55.08\00:16:57.50
it's not even close.
00:16:57.53\00:16:58.71
The devil may
scare us or lie to us
00:16:58.74\00:17:00.59
and say he has more powers
00:17:00.62\00:17:01.78
but its all
bravado its not true.
00:17:01.81\00:17:04.24
And a lot of
people are taught that,
00:17:04.27\00:17:05.90
I think its sad
but you know that's,
00:17:05.93\00:17:09.89
I think that's
the activating power,
00:17:09.92\00:17:11.49
especially even
if its just not even
00:17:11.52\00:17:13.34
from a religious stand point,
00:17:13.37\00:17:14.45
just a
psychological stand point,
00:17:14.48\00:17:16.55
if you don't
believe something's possible
00:17:16.58\00:17:18.10
then you'll never
gonna accomplish it.
00:17:18.13\00:17:19.25
Exactly.
00:17:19.28\00:17:20.31
If you believe that
it can be accomplished,
00:17:20.34\00:17:22.56
you know, even
though they are naysayer's
00:17:22.59\00:17:24.45
and people saying, you
know, saying you can't do it.
00:17:24.48\00:17:26.89
If you believe it
you can still do it
00:17:26.92\00:17:28.86
then you're gonna do it.
00:17:28.89\00:17:30.34
And you had to believe it.
00:17:30.37\00:17:32.40
And if you're gonna
have somebody like you,
00:17:32.43\00:17:35.02
if you're gonna change in
my life you got to be for real.
00:17:35.05\00:17:37.22
Yeah.
00:17:37.25\00:17:38.29
Cause this is serious talk.
00:17:38.32\00:17:39.85
Yeah, I had some
pretty major problems defect
00:17:39.88\00:17:42.42
so I wasn't gonna be anything
less than a supernatural force.
00:17:42.45\00:17:47.99
You know, God
himself coming down
00:17:48.02\00:17:49.47
and doing a
miracle to change me.
00:17:49.50\00:17:51.28
That's incredible.
00:17:51.31\00:17:52.98
And so you know what I mean is,
00:17:53.01\00:17:54.70
He was-- if you're
just talking about,
00:17:54.73\00:17:57.60
you know, telling a it why
00:17:57.63\00:18:00.44
and everyone
else doing something
00:18:00.47\00:18:02.00
and stuff like that
and you can excuse the fact
00:18:02.03\00:18:04.92
that you're just
human you're gonna sin
00:18:04.95\00:18:06.81
but I had a
different level of stuff
00:18:06.84\00:18:10.42
that needed to be fixed
00:18:10.45\00:18:11.51
in that explanation
didn't work for that.
00:18:11.54\00:18:14.15
I needed something that
was really gonna change me.
00:18:14.18\00:18:17.75
Miraculously. Miraculously.
00:18:17.78\00:18:19.62
I need a miracle.
00:18:19.65\00:18:21.05
And so I knew, you
know, logically that
00:18:21.08\00:18:27.28
God has to be more
powerful then the devil
00:18:27.31\00:18:29.28
so if He can
change me then He can.
00:18:29.31\00:18:33.84
And so you surrendered?
00:18:33.87\00:18:35.43
Thing is so I surrendered.
00:18:35.46\00:18:38.23
That's powerful.
00:18:38.26\00:18:39.42
Yeah, but I had to
realize that first,
00:18:39.45\00:18:43.05
I had to realize
that He could do that
00:18:43.08\00:18:45.24
just by everything else,
00:18:45.27\00:18:46.34
before I was
gonna take that step
00:18:46.37\00:18:48.59
and I did and I
just-- I stopped doing drugs
00:18:48.62\00:18:54.90
and 2006 October
18th is when I stopped.
00:18:54.93\00:18:59.94
In prison?
00:18:59.97\00:19:01.00
In prison, and I
stopped doing that.
00:19:01.03\00:19:07.05
I just-- I
started going to church.
00:19:07.08\00:19:10.19
I really gave it a chance.
00:19:10.22\00:19:11.88
So you know what I
want to know, Adam,
00:19:11.91\00:19:14.47
when is the first
time you actually felt joy
00:19:14.50\00:19:16.86
for the first time?
00:19:16.89\00:19:18.87
Because how cool is that?
00:19:18.90\00:19:25.20
Probably about after I
really decided to change my life
00:19:25.23\00:19:28.68
about six or eight months later,
00:19:28.71\00:19:34.19
when my mom and I
could see it in her eyes
00:19:34.22\00:19:37.74
she realized I
was really changing
00:19:37.77\00:19:41.06
and she's my mom so
she's always been proud of me,
00:19:41.09\00:19:43.27
but I could just
see that she knew
00:19:43.30\00:19:48.07
that I was actually changing
00:19:48.10\00:19:50.99
and the joy that
brought her to know that made me
00:19:51.02\00:19:55.62
for the first
time ever just really,
00:19:55.65\00:19:59.60
just be really happy
about what was going on
00:19:59.63\00:20:01.96
and just be able to just
say I like my life right now.
00:20:01.99\00:20:06.32
And you go back to the time,
00:20:06.35\00:20:08.08
and I don't know if we
actually go back to the time
00:20:08.11\00:20:09.87
but to the time as a little boy,
00:20:09.90\00:20:11.62
that's what you very
want to have this family
00:20:11.65\00:20:14.53
that was right, that felt
love and joy and happiness
00:20:14.56\00:20:18.16
and for even years
later after all of that drama,
00:20:18.19\00:20:21.65
all of that stuff in prison
for that moment, you got it.
00:20:21.68\00:20:26.83
Because of God,
how cool is that?
00:20:26.86\00:20:31.17
And it was just the
best feeling in the world.
00:20:31.20\00:20:35.90
After that I started just,
00:20:35.93\00:20:39.54
you know,
reevaluating everything.
00:20:39.57\00:20:41.02
Why can't I go to college?
00:20:41.05\00:20:43.11
And you know so I
enrolled in college,
00:20:43.14\00:20:45.60
I'm still trying
to go, I've already--
00:20:45.63\00:20:48.01
I've gotten
associates degree in psychology.
00:20:48.04\00:20:52.00
Just why can't I just
completely change my life,
00:20:52.03\00:20:54.78
every aspect of it
and just start over
00:20:54.81\00:20:56.52
and that's what I did?
00:20:56.55\00:20:57.61
So even in when
you said you fragmented
00:20:57.64\00:21:00.77
and you created
these personalities
00:21:00.80\00:21:02.95
how did God kind of
bring that back together?
00:21:02.98\00:21:08.45
See that's a weird one,
that one's just a miracle
00:21:08.48\00:21:10.37
because I don't
know the exact moment
00:21:10.40\00:21:13.90
that He healed me of that,
00:21:13.93\00:21:17.10
but I remember waking up one day
00:21:17.13\00:21:19.97
and thinking back
in the past six months,
00:21:20.00\00:21:22.58
I'm thinking well,
that hasn't been there.
00:21:22.61\00:21:26.21
I don't know
when it actually left
00:21:26.24\00:21:27.38
but I'm really thinking back
00:21:27.41\00:21:28.45
and thinking
that's not there anymore.
00:21:28.48\00:21:31.64
Amen.
00:21:31.67\00:21:33.26
And you know and especially that
00:21:33.29\00:21:38.27
there's nothing that I can take.
00:21:38.30\00:21:39.36
There's no amount
of psychological help
00:21:39.39\00:21:41.65
that can take that away.
00:21:41.68\00:21:42.75
You can manage it
but there's nothing
00:21:42.78\00:21:45.23
that just gonna take it
away and we were just thinking,
00:21:45.26\00:21:49.16
you know that's a
miracle that's what--
00:21:49.19\00:21:50.24
I want to say, you know,
and then you got out of jail,
00:21:50.27\00:21:54.43
to another thing that's
a miracle after how long?
00:21:54.46\00:21:56.94
After 10 years.
00:21:56.97\00:21:58.03
So 10 years you get out
of jail, readjusting to,
00:21:58.06\00:22:01.77
you know, before we go in there,
00:22:01.80\00:22:02.95
I know that a few
people in the cafe
00:22:02.98\00:22:04.82
have questions they want to ask.
00:22:04.85\00:22:06.68
I think we need another
hour with just you and I
00:22:06.71\00:22:09.61
but we're gonna
open it up to the cafe,
00:22:09.64\00:22:11.98
I know Pastor Jim,
you are here visiting us,
00:22:12.01\00:22:15.37
do you have a question for him?
00:22:15.40\00:22:17.09
Comment?
00:22:17.12\00:22:18.50
Adam, I have a question.
00:22:18.53\00:22:21.17
Just a minute ago,
Cheri was asking about
00:22:21.20\00:22:23.80
the first time that
you recall feeling joy,
00:22:23.83\00:22:27.44
and it may be think
about something I've read
00:22:27.47\00:22:29.99
in some of the literature
that sociologist study
00:22:30.02\00:22:34.06
a lot about human
connection Brene Brown,
00:22:34.09\00:22:36.83
and she says
that joy is probably
00:22:36.86\00:22:39.86
the most vulnerable
of all human emotions.
00:22:39.89\00:22:43.21
And that often times
people that experience joy
00:22:43.24\00:22:48.11
sometimes will triggered back
00:22:48.14\00:22:49.63
into old behaviors
or patterns of living.
00:22:49.66\00:22:53.34
Have you been
able to experience joy
00:22:53.37\00:22:55.62
and continue to walk in joy?
00:22:55.65\00:23:00.87
I think to
continuing is I've also,
00:23:00.90\00:23:05.68
you know, I started
teaching Bible study classes.
00:23:05.71\00:23:10.10
I started telling my story
00:23:10.13\00:23:12.58
and when I can
see that people relate
00:23:12.61\00:23:14.28
and when I see that
I'm helping lead people
00:23:14.31\00:23:16.99
to the Lord helping them
understand the Bible better,
00:23:17.02\00:23:21.38
you know, or just
having them relate to a store
00:23:21.41\00:23:23.91
that they think
nobody else ever would
00:23:23.94\00:23:26.49
because they have
the same story as me
00:23:26.52\00:23:28.82
and you know you just think
nobody lives that type of life.
00:23:28.85\00:23:35.05
I feel content and my whole life
00:23:35.08\00:23:38.93
I never really felt joy,
I never really felt content
00:23:38.96\00:23:42.18
and even though
yeah, it's a vulnerable
00:23:42.21\00:23:45.31
I just, I love it.
00:23:45.34\00:23:48.22
I've never felt that
before and it's a good feeling
00:23:48.25\00:23:51.19
and I've never felt
good feelings before
00:23:51.22\00:23:52.84
so I wouldn't trade
that for anything else.
00:23:52.87\00:23:55.39
And so if I ever feel like
00:23:55.42\00:23:57.22
we're reverting
back to my old life,
00:23:57.25\00:23:59.86
I just its-- it was so bad
00:23:59.89\00:24:02.26
it's almost like a no brainier.
00:24:02.29\00:24:03.38
It's so bad I'm not
gonna go back to that pain.
00:24:03.41\00:24:06.46
I'm just gonna stay here
and be content, follow God
00:24:06.49\00:24:08.89
and have Him just
continue to bless my life
00:24:08.92\00:24:11.38
and have me be happy
00:24:11.41\00:24:12.55
because this is
all I've ever wanted.
00:24:12.58\00:24:14.70
You know, I have
to say that Adam,
00:24:14.73\00:24:16.31
in most 12 steps
programs they will say,
00:24:16.34\00:24:19.41
step 12 is you go
out and tell someone
00:24:19.44\00:24:21.71
and you share your story
and you be able to do that
00:24:21.74\00:24:24.10
and part of that
we'll keep you in recovery.
00:24:24.13\00:24:26.75
Say and like you
said as every time
00:24:26.78\00:24:28.91
all of this stuff
that even if the enemy,
00:24:28.94\00:24:31.56
the devil meant to destroy you,
00:24:31.59\00:24:34.18
God is using it to
build up someone with
00:24:34.21\00:24:36.88
and there is something that's
really incredible about that,
00:24:36.91\00:24:39.96
that you know all
things work together for good
00:24:39.99\00:24:42.40
to those who love God.
00:24:42.43\00:24:43.52
How can your story
work together for good,
00:24:43.55\00:24:45.78
yeah you see it in
front of you all the time now?
00:24:45.81\00:24:50.20
It's like you said,
00:24:50.23\00:24:51.26
it's what the devil
use to hold me down,
00:24:51.29\00:24:55.53
what he used to hold,
00:24:55.56\00:24:56.65
you know, for me to think about
00:24:56.68\00:24:57.83
and just be shameful and
just disgust it on myself.
00:24:57.86\00:25:02.25
What used to be my worst enemy
00:25:02.28\00:25:04.49
you know inside myself
as my old past and all that
00:25:04.52\00:25:06.80
I now use as a
weapon against him.
00:25:06.83\00:25:09.01
Amen.
00:25:09.04\00:25:10.10
So the exact same thing
00:25:10.13\00:25:11.88
he was using us as
a weapon against me,
00:25:11.91\00:25:13.57
I take it and I say oh yeah,
00:25:13.60\00:25:15.21
well, now I'm
gonna share my story
00:25:15.24\00:25:17.00
and I'm gonna use the
exact same thing against you.
00:25:17.03\00:25:19.32
And I'm gonna
watch God bless it.
00:25:19.35\00:25:21.71
That's so cool,
00:25:21.74\00:25:23.17
we have a Barnie
and you had a question.
00:25:23.20\00:25:27.06
My question is
kind of similar to his.
00:25:27.09\00:25:29.70
Just tell now when
you come across situations
00:25:29.73\00:25:33.44
that make you angry,
00:25:33.47\00:25:35.03
how do you deal with anger now?
00:25:35.06\00:25:38.89
I don't want to
say it's not easy,
00:25:38.92\00:25:40.22
it's a lot of hard work,
00:25:40.25\00:25:41.45
you know, you got
to get up every day,
00:25:41.48\00:25:43.38
you got to pray, you
got to read the Bible,
00:25:43.41\00:25:46.60
you got to stay
connected to the Spirit.
00:25:46.63\00:25:50.49
You got to have the
spiritual protection
00:25:50.52\00:25:53.21
as opposed to, you know,
00:25:53.24\00:25:54.71
you can want to do
it, you know, be changed
00:25:54.74\00:26:00.31
and not go back
00:26:00.34\00:26:01.45
but you're still
every once in a while
00:26:01.48\00:26:02.51
you're gonna have
the temptation to do it.
00:26:02.54\00:26:03.95
So you need
something else with you
00:26:03.98\00:26:05.47
and that's gonna over
power your own short comings
00:26:05.50\00:26:08.45
and that's what God does for me.
00:26:08.48\00:26:09.97
And so you have to just get up
00:26:10.00\00:26:12.23
and make sure you
pray listen to Him,
00:26:12.26\00:26:15.31
read the Bible
everyday and just go out there
00:26:15.34\00:26:17.97
and know that
you're not out there alone,
00:26:18.00\00:26:20.46
and don't be scared
to asking Him for help
00:26:20.49\00:26:23.57
when you need it.
00:26:23.60\00:26:25.48
That's incredible,
00:26:25.51\00:26:26.55
because for years and
years and years in your life
00:26:26.58\00:26:30.12
you never asked
anybody for help.
00:26:30.15\00:26:32.22
You know you
gonna do it on your own.
00:26:32.25\00:26:33.88
And so the fact that God says
I'd like you to summit to Me,
00:26:33.91\00:26:37.28
I'd like you to surrender to Me,
00:26:37.31\00:26:39.34
and let Me help you,
00:26:39.37\00:26:40.52
that's a huge step
just that in your recovery.
00:26:40.55\00:26:45.34
I just, I'm so proud of
you, I just have to say that.
00:26:45.37\00:26:48.44
Okay one more question
Brad, you had a question.
00:26:48.47\00:26:51.70
I do, and I just
want to first say
00:26:51.73\00:26:53.18
thank you sharing your story
00:26:53.21\00:26:54.45
because I believe lots
of men probably women too,
00:26:54.48\00:26:58.61
but I'll speak for the men
00:26:58.64\00:27:00.02
that at least the ones
that I know deal with anger,
00:27:00.05\00:27:02.41
may be not to the level
that you experienced it,
00:27:02.44\00:27:05.92
but I can speak personally
and certainly an issue
00:27:05.95\00:27:08.00
that I've dealt with,
Cheri, knows all to well
00:27:08.03\00:27:11.34
and she calls me
puffer fish sometimes,
00:27:11.37\00:27:15.76
you know but that for
been able to speak at that
00:27:15.79\00:27:18.11
and put on a table tremendous,
00:27:18.14\00:27:19.29
I want to ask a
different kind of question,
00:27:19.32\00:27:22.11
because I was
commenting earlier about dude,
00:27:22.14\00:27:24.49
you'd never think that
this was part of your past
00:27:24.52\00:27:26.66
by how you look now.
00:27:26.69\00:27:28.43
And so I just have
would like to know,
00:27:28.46\00:27:31.08
how's your mom feeling now?
00:27:31.11\00:27:32.15
How's your 10-year-old brother--
00:27:32.18\00:27:33.78
well he's not 10
anymore but you know,
00:27:33.81\00:27:36.39
what's that like for you
to have been this place now,
00:27:36.42\00:27:38.44
and I'm sure it
brings a joy to them
00:27:38.47\00:27:40.22
to see what has happened?
00:27:40.25\00:27:41.49
It's awesome.
00:27:41.52\00:27:42.88
They-- because everybody
00:27:42.91\00:27:44.58
in my family has changed also.
00:27:44.61\00:27:47.27
We all kind of
when I started over
00:27:47.30\00:27:49.62
they started over also,
00:27:49.65\00:27:52.20
stepfather included everybody.
00:27:52.23\00:27:54.08
We're all just-- you know,
00:27:54.11\00:27:58.61
we make sure we tell each other
00:27:58.64\00:28:00.23
we love each other all the time.
00:28:00.26\00:28:02.03
We give each
other hugs all the time.
00:28:02.06\00:28:03.49
We try to spend
time with each other.
00:28:03.52\00:28:06.55
It's just one of my
favorite things to do
00:28:06.58\00:28:12.13
is just to sit and
talk with my family.
00:28:12.16\00:28:14.56
I just laugh and
just spend time with them.
00:28:14.59\00:28:17.27
I love them to death.
00:28:17.30\00:28:19.30
I love laughing
with my little brother,
00:28:19.33\00:28:20.69
I love laughing with my
dad, I love laughing with mom
00:28:20.72\00:28:23.85
and just you know, just
spending time with them.
00:28:23.88\00:28:26.74
It just really
brings a smile on my face,
00:28:26.77\00:28:30.92
even just
thinking about it right now
00:28:30.95\00:28:32.35
just being with them,
I love them all so much.
00:28:32.38\00:28:35.27
And you don't
take that for granted?
00:28:35.30\00:28:37.84
No.
00:28:37.87\00:28:38.90
What's really incredible--
00:28:38.93\00:28:40.28
Because I know it is important.
00:28:40.31\00:28:41.39
Yeah.
00:28:41.42\00:28:42.45
I've had the opposite,
I've had, you know, no family
00:28:42.48\00:28:47.12
and so I just cherish
every moment with them
00:28:47.15\00:28:50.08
and I just love them to death.
00:28:50.11\00:28:52.47
Amen.
00:28:52.50\00:28:53.62
We're gonna take a
break and then come back
00:28:53.65\00:28:55.78
and do a close and
I'd like you to come back,
00:28:55.81\00:28:58.28
and I'm gonna
ask you two things,
00:28:58.31\00:29:00.51
I'm gonna ask you
to speak to the family
00:29:00.54\00:29:03.16
that is watching their loved one
00:29:03.19\00:29:04.50
that so lost in their
hatred and in their anger
00:29:04.53\00:29:07.09
and spinning out of control
and maybe even in prison,
00:29:07.12\00:29:09.86
and them I'm asking
you to speak to that guy
00:29:09.89\00:29:13.15
that doesn't know on
how to come out of that.
00:29:13.18\00:29:16.61
Okay, would you join me? Yeah.
00:29:16.64\00:29:18.22
Okay, we'll be right back.
00:29:18.25\00:29:20.70
Are you proud of
God? I'm so proud of God.
00:29:20.73\00:29:23.39
There's nothing
as too big for me.
00:29:23.42\00:29:25.30
Nothing I can go into this
the most hopeless situations
00:29:25.33\00:29:29.02
and breathe life into
that, bring joy to that,
00:29:29.05\00:29:32.36
bring hope
optimism and help, to that.
00:29:32.39\00:29:35.56
All you have to do
is give me anything
00:29:35.59\00:29:38.18
and I will bless you.
00:29:38.21\00:29:39.59
Just make the first step
even if it's a baby step.
00:29:39.62\00:29:42.81
We will be right back.
00:29:42.84\00:29:44.00