The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addicted behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome to
Celebrating Life in Recovery.
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I'm Cheri, your host.
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You know, there are some kids
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that from very
beginning they had--
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they don't even have a chance.
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They are full of violence,
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their families
are full of drama,
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they end upon the streets
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and gangs all of
that kind of stuff.
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And when you go out to
even say that I don't care
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it's either my life or your life
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and that's all good with me,
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how do you rescue
some one like that?
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God is good at it. Come join us.
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Welcome, this whole season
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we have talked about how
to maintain your recovery.
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And for a lot of us you know,
I came out heroin addition,
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I came out of all kind of
stuff which is that part of
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it was kind of easier
than what I'm dealing with now,
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because that part of
it I just don't have to--
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I just don't go by heroin,
I just don't drink alcohol,
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I don't just-- I
don't smoke anymore
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but what about that
daily stuff getting me through.
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You know, just
your daily struggles
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and all that kind of stuff.
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This week we're gonna be
looking at optimism or hope
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and we gonna look
at it in there whole
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a lot of different ways.
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One of them is I
read the story one time
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and there were 33
miners in Chile that got,
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that got trapped
in a mine for 69 days
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and they had the hope
that somebody was up there
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trying to get out them.
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They had to have hope
that they will be rescued,
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that they would be pulled
out all of that kind of stuff.
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And so the first thing
they wanted to do spiritually
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is look at the fact
with our optimism is that
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we got somebody out
there, that is pulling for us.
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We got somebody out there
that knows where we trapped in,
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knows all that kind of stuff
and every day I have to know
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there is a God,
He is crazy about me,
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delights in my
recovery and has my back,
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until sometimes even
though I don't have the answers
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I know that God
does and I know that
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He will not stop
until He finds me
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and on some day as
that's really tough
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because I can get in to
some pretty dark places.
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And so now I have to that hope
with that optimism about that,
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there is another
thing is that I was--
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I had a lot of stuff
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that followed me
into my recovery.
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You know, I came out of
you know, dysfunctional home,
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I came out of a
lot of addictions,
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a lot of junk like that,
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there is a lot of
molestations all of that
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was very real in life,
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but you know, I also
had attachment disorders,
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bonding disorders,
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my family has some bipolar stuff
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in it all that kind of thing.
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So I didn't even know,
what do I have in my pocket
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and I have to have hope
that God even knows that,
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that genetic predispositions,
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that junk that
I'm gonna walk with,
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all of this stuff that
I'm gonna have to come out of,
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I'm socially underdeveloped,
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I don't know how
to eat with some one,
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I don't even know how
to do that basics stuff
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but God did knows that about me
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and I have to
have hope or optimism
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that we are even
gonna deal with odd stuff.
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And so I want to introduce
you to my guest this week,
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we are going to
share his journey
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and see what he is
done with some of that.
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And so Adam Schuttle,
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I just have to say
welcome to the program.
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Thank you for having me.
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You know, when we--
when they talk about
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having that hope with
some of those real issues,
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you really understand that.
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Yes, I do.
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I directly relate optimism
and hope with faith itself,
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especially if you're coming
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and you're trying
to change you're life,
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I think there is a lot of places
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especially
churches that teach that
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we are humans, so
you just gonna sin,
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but it takes away God's
power when you are taught that
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if you don't think
that God can change you
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how He is gonna change you?
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So what you're
saying in your own life
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you had to believe that God
actually is gonna do a change?
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Yes.
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So tell me about it,
when I first heard your story
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I wanted to just
sit with you and cry,
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'cause you came from
some pretty difficult time.
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So start even from the beginning
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what was your life like?
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Well, start it now
early on I can remember
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my father would just
beat my mother daily,
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and I can remember this
back even when I was two,
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three years old when most people
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can't even
remember that far back,
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but I remember that.
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I remember just him
beating her on a daily basis.
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She would go to
the hospital a lot.
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And you know, that was just
those are my first memories.
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Did you get a sense
of wanted to help her,
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like you should be
able to do something?
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I-- believe it or not even
at two, three, four years old
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I put the blame on myself.
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I thought it was my
duty to protect my mother
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and I thought I had failed
her for not being able to do so
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even though I was
literally a toddler.
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And I just, I carry
that over even to this day.
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I feel you know that,
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and its completely unreasonable,
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it's on-- it's you
know, I was a little kid.
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But it was so real.
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Its yeah, but it's so real
and I still feel that creeping,
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every once at a while up
that I put pressure on my myself
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that its just some
thing completely unrealistic,
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that it would be
my duty to do that.
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But yeah, that was it I yeah,
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I would see my mother being beat
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and I would blame myself
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and I would take
the guilt and the blame,
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like it was fault directly.
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And so did your-- did your dad,
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did your dad ever beat you?
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I mean did that?
My step father did.
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So your dad left eventually.
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Well, how old
were you when he left?
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I was four years
old and my mom had
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to just
completely go off the grid.
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She had just-- Safe
house, all that stuff.
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She had to just leave
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and not let him
know where we were.
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It was that
dangerous sort of move
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and I'm sure she probably
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wanted to do that
a lot earlier but--
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I have to just say
for a lot of people
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that don't understand
that kind of environment
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'cause I have-- for one I
understand that environment
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and I had people
that tell me of that
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is that as a kid your are
so hyper aware of all of that
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and knowing that
you are so little,
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you can't make a
difference but wanting to.
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And there your mom is
literally moving you out
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getting you in safe house,
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trying to
protect you from a father
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that could maybe
even take your guys life
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if you were found.
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Yeah, I think that was
the threat on her was me
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and then at my sister
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I think she trying
to leave him one time,
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he kidnapped us
and then so I think
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the treat even after
she had gone to the point
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where she was ready to
leave, it was he was using us
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as a bargaining
chip to blackmail her
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you know, and keep her there.
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So once you
finally made that you know,
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the courageous decision
to leave we had to just leave
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and just not come back
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and not let him
know where we are.
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Crazy, yeah. That was crazy.
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But then she ends up finding
somebody that just as abusive.
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Sadly because, you
know, she had her issues too.
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And so yeah, she got
into another relationship
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and same story except,
you know, me and my sister
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were included in the
beatings and the abuse
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and you know, I
still being mad at myself
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because I didn't take
care of the first situation
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when my real father
was beating everyone.
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I didn't took on
the role where I thought
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I was the only being beat
even though everybody else was,
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but in-- I as far as I aware
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it was just me
but that was my job.
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My job-- I take
it on for you guys.
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My job was to take it
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for everybody
else that was my job.
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Yeah.
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I didn't do it
before, so I did it now.
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And I was glad to do it.
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There is a plenty in your life
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that you had to take on
that incredible anger or rage.
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When did that start?
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Because you know I see
this kid I first feeling guilty,
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but at one point
you must say you know,
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what I'm just
angry, this is not fair.
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Yeah, it wasn't fair,
why did I have to do this?
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Right.
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Everybody else is gets away.
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Why do I have to
take care of my mother?
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Why do I have to do this?
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You know, and then so
just bitterness was coming up.
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The major point was when
I actually found out that,
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the rest of the
family was being beat also
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and so I remember--
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Wow.
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My grandma came
over for dinner one time
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gave my sister a
hug and she quenched
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and she is like what's wrong?
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And she lifted up her shirt
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and she had bruises
down her entire body.
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And then the
quote from my stepfather
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was I did a good job, didn't I?
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And so the next
day I went to school
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and pleaded with the counselor,
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I was in fifth
grade at the time.
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I pleaded with the
counselor I was like--
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because in my mind
I was still supposed
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to be protecting them
and I'm still failing.
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So this is my last day effort.
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I'm gonna pull someone else in.
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I'm gonna pull somebody else in.
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We need some help.
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Yeah, because I
thought I was doing my job.
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I thought I was
being the one that
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was taking all the
beatings but its not working.
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So I went to
school and I don't know
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what the issues were
with this person at the time
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but I told him the
story and very vividly
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I still remember this is
his quote to me in his reaction.
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Well, there is
nothing I can do about it
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so the best thing for you to do
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is just pretend
it never happened.
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Wow. And that was end of it.
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And you know,
how much did it take
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for you to step
up and say something?
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You know, to break
all of that kind of stuff,
00:09:48.20\00:09:49.81
realizing that this is I
have no other choice in there
00:09:49.84\00:09:52.95
for someone to say just
pretend it didn't happen.
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So you know, are you kidding me?
00:09:55.91\00:09:57.12
Yeah, and that was the moment
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that something
just broke inside of me.
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I remember
thinking I hate that guy,
00:10:03.83\00:10:11.69
and then I hate my mother,
00:10:11.72\00:10:13.64
and I hate dad,
and I hate my mom
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for making me
take care of my sister,
00:10:15.81\00:10:17.12
and hate my mom, and hate my dad
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for doing what they did to me.
00:10:19.31\00:10:20.75
I hate my sister
because it's not my job
00:10:20.78\00:10:22.22
to take care of her.
00:10:22.25\00:10:23.31
Why do I have to
take care of her?
00:10:23.34\00:10:24.37
I just resent and
I'm angry at everybody.
00:10:24.40\00:10:26.06
And I just hated
myself the most of all
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because I just
couldn't protect them all.
00:10:29.96\00:10:32.18
What was wrong with me?
00:10:32.21\00:10:33.25
I was just disgusting
00:10:33.28\00:10:35.39
and just this
insanely bitter hate
00:10:35.42\00:10:39.18
just started to
just blacken my soul
00:10:39.21\00:10:42.11
from that moment on--
00:10:42.14\00:10:43.98
Up until you know, just grow--
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Even as your talking
you really I can sense
00:10:46.85\00:10:49.98
what that did for
that child in that moment
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just saying I'm done, I'm done.
00:10:52.51\00:10:53.64
It's horrible, yeah.
00:10:53.67\00:10:55.09
I mean I was in fifth
grade and I just completely
00:10:55.12\00:10:57.03
just started to
detach from reality
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because I just
couldn't take it anymore.
00:11:00.64\00:11:01.95
Yeah, what did that look like
00:11:01.98\00:11:03.06
when you said
detach from reality?
00:11:03.09\00:11:04.92
I couldn't
handle my life anymore,
00:11:12.48\00:11:15.59
but I still had to live it.
00:11:15.62\00:11:18.07
And so I just started in
my mind creating a person,
00:11:18.10\00:11:24.63
creating places
that could takeover
00:11:24.66\00:11:27.30
and live my life for me,
00:11:27.33\00:11:28.91
because I can't do it
anymore, it was too much stress,
00:11:28.94\00:11:31.08
it was too much pain and
too much hate all the time.
00:11:31.11\00:11:35.13
For some people
they're gonna have no idea
00:11:35.16\00:11:37.09
the level of
intensity of stress that,
00:11:37.12\00:11:39.39
that has to be in
your life for you to say
00:11:39.42\00:11:41.17
I fragmented at that point
00:11:41.20\00:11:42.85
literally
fragmented detach from myself
00:11:42.88\00:11:45.38
became something else or
jumped in to a fantasy world.
00:11:45.41\00:11:48.69
That's huge but you actually say
00:11:48.72\00:11:51.87
I almost felt the
moment that happened.
00:11:51.90\00:11:54.79
I did because it was just,
00:11:54.82\00:11:56.71
it was like night
and day in my personality
00:11:56.74\00:11:59.09
before I went in tried
to get help in after words,
00:11:59.12\00:12:01.93
it was just I was done
that was all I can take.
00:12:01.96\00:12:05.37
And you know, going
in to be an teenager
00:12:05.40\00:12:10.53
I would like everybody
else I did you know drugs
00:12:10.56\00:12:13.94
and partying like that,
00:12:13.97\00:12:15.00
but I because I'm not
just trying to feel good,
00:12:15.03\00:12:19.83
I'm trying to forget. And so--
00:12:19.86\00:12:23.56
I'm not doing
this for entertainment.
00:12:23.59\00:12:25.10
I wasn't doing
it for entertainment
00:12:25.13\00:12:26.44
and I was doing as much
drugs, I was doing any drugs,
00:12:26.47\00:12:30.06
I was drinking as I could
00:12:30.09\00:12:31.12
because I could not
be alone with my mind.
00:12:31.15\00:12:34.28
I couldn't think,
I couldn't be there,
00:12:34.31\00:12:35.91
it was too much.
00:12:35.94\00:12:37.67
And so I would
literally get to inches
00:12:37.70\00:12:40.29
before overdose every single day
00:12:40.32\00:12:43.83
just to try to
num my mind enough
00:12:43.86\00:12:45.49
to where I didn't have to think.
00:12:45.52\00:12:46.64
Wow.
00:12:46.67\00:12:47.70
Because I hated myself that much
00:12:47.73\00:12:50.09
and still taking it in--
00:12:50.12\00:12:51.59
That this is
probably inappropriate
00:12:51.62\00:12:53.42
for me to do right now,
00:12:53.45\00:12:54.67
because you are you
know, trying to tell the story
00:12:54.70\00:12:56.90
but I just want
to say I'm so sorry
00:12:56.93\00:12:59.51
because even listening
to you I see this little kid
00:12:59.54\00:13:02.61
that wants somebody to say
00:13:02.64\00:13:04.38
well, somebody
just do the right thing.
00:13:04.41\00:13:06.11
Well, somebody just come in
00:13:06.14\00:13:07.87
and step in and
do the right thing
00:13:07.90\00:13:09.20
but now you are at the
point where you given up,
00:13:09.23\00:13:12.05
you are so high that
even if they did at this point
00:13:12.08\00:13:14.11
it wouldn't even matter
00:13:14.14\00:13:15.41
and you got really
maliciously angry too.
00:13:15.44\00:13:19.26
Yeah. During that time.
00:13:19.29\00:13:22.16
I got real violent,
really, really violent.
00:13:22.19\00:13:24.94
I just because all I like
felt from the moment I woke up
00:13:24.97\00:13:29.57
and until the moment I
went to sleep it was hate.
00:13:29.60\00:13:33.03
I used to like sleeping
because it was the only time
00:13:33.06\00:13:34.91
I could get rest for myself
other than that be in high.
00:13:34.94\00:13:41.07
And so I really look forward
to going to sleep at night
00:13:41.10\00:13:43.06
but I just I was so angry
and I grew up in a you know,
00:13:43.09\00:13:48.77
in a place where that was
okay, it was okay be violent,
00:13:48.80\00:13:51.70
it was okay to be you
know, just go out there
00:13:51.73\00:13:57.05
and have the attitude
that kill or be killed.
00:13:57.08\00:14:00.26
So explain that to some people
they're gonna have no idea
00:14:00.29\00:14:02.61
what you are talking about,
00:14:02.64\00:14:03.67
and some people
they know exactly
00:14:03.70\00:14:05.02
'cause they have
grown up in the same place.
00:14:05.05\00:14:07.25
Just grown up in a
lower class neighborhood
00:14:07.28\00:14:09.79
that's how everybody
was, you had to survive.
00:14:09.82\00:14:13.52
And it's almost like
oh, you went beat somebody
00:14:13.55\00:14:15.54
yeah, come on
give some knuckles.
00:14:15.57\00:14:17.16
Good job, yeah.
00:14:17.19\00:14:18.74
Good for you. It was rewarded.
00:14:18.77\00:14:20.26
Yeah, and even
lie and manipulating
00:14:20.29\00:14:22.58
all that kind of
stuff the more out there
00:14:22.61\00:14:24.33
we can get somebody can say
00:14:24.36\00:14:25.68
well, good for you let's go
out and do some thing tonight,
00:14:25.71\00:14:28.47
but it is that
that's where I get accepted,
00:14:28.50\00:14:30.73
that's where I get rewarded,
that's where my family is
00:14:30.76\00:14:33.10
and the only one that
actually is decent right now
00:14:33.13\00:14:35.91
is that people
that are maliciously
00:14:35.94\00:14:37.35
acting out in you huge ways.
00:14:37.38\00:14:38.95
Its like the whole
world turns upside down.
00:14:38.98\00:14:42.73
So you are in the midst of that?
00:14:42.76\00:14:44.21
Yeah and-- and
it wasn't just me,
00:14:44.24\00:14:47.87
it was me and my friends
we all had the same attitude.
00:14:47.90\00:14:50.05
I just you know, I was
little bit worse than them
00:14:50.08\00:14:54.28
but we used to--
this was our hobby
00:14:54.31\00:14:56.57
where we would
go, we would get high,
00:14:56.60\00:14:58.65
get drunk
whatever you wanted to do
00:14:58.68\00:15:01.26
and we would drive around town,
00:15:01.29\00:15:02.81
wait for people just
walking down the road,
00:15:02.84\00:15:05.32
just people we've never seen,
00:15:05.35\00:15:06.60
never met, never will see again.
00:15:06.63\00:15:08.83
And we would beat them
senseless to the point were
00:15:08.86\00:15:11.58
they needed to
go to the hospital.
00:15:11.61\00:15:13.23
And it didn't matter you
whether they lived or die,
00:15:13.26\00:15:15.80
this was an evening for fun?
00:15:15.83\00:15:17.57
Yeah, that was the only release
we could have from the pain.
00:15:17.60\00:15:22.53
So-- and like I just have to say
00:15:22.56\00:15:24.60
'cause I know that right
now as were even taping this
00:15:24.63\00:15:28.39
so there's a three
kids who just got arrested
00:15:28.42\00:15:32.30
for killing a
guy from Australia.
00:15:32.33\00:15:34.72
He was just out
jogging and they waited
00:15:34.75\00:15:37.12
for someone to go
by and they killed him.
00:15:37.15\00:15:41.25
So is that same
as that you know,
00:15:41.28\00:15:42.77
when nothing makes sense
00:15:42.80\00:15:44.28
when the world
doesn't make sense,
00:15:44.31\00:15:45.43
when nobody is
releasing any of this junk
00:15:45.46\00:15:49.64
we will resort to
some pretty violent things.
00:15:49.67\00:15:53.15
And you are daily going out was,
00:15:53.18\00:15:56.03
you know, what don't walk by me
00:15:56.06\00:15:57.33
'cause I'm looking
for some of that to cause.
00:15:57.36\00:16:00.10
And as soon as we're
done we got in the car
00:16:00.13\00:16:01.76
and then just went
it and did it again.
00:16:01.79\00:16:04.43
We all got the point
where we had so much hate
00:16:04.46\00:16:09.29
and we have been hurt so much
00:16:09.32\00:16:12.55
that we didn't
want to be hurt anymore.
00:16:12.58\00:16:15.35
So we just
wouldn't have feelings
00:16:15.38\00:16:17.01
'cause if you had
feelings you would be hurt,
00:16:17.04\00:16:20.05
whether they were good or bad,
we just did what the bad ones.
00:16:20.08\00:16:23.00
So we sacrificed even the
good feelings for the bad,
00:16:23.03\00:16:25.93
and so we chose to
feel nothing as opposed
00:16:25.96\00:16:28.15
to even have the
chance to have our trust
00:16:28.18\00:16:33.78
you know, hurt
again and violated.
00:16:33.81\00:16:35.15
So the only thing
you were actually feeling
00:16:35.18\00:16:36.74
was an adrenaline
rush, when you felt the rush.
00:16:36.77\00:16:40.33
Yeah, it was just a release.
00:16:40.36\00:16:44.00
So a little about that life,
were you still going to school?
00:16:44.03\00:16:47.20
Were you still--
00:16:47.23\00:16:49.34
That was-- when
it got really bad
00:16:49.37\00:16:51.05
I was actually
already had graduated.
00:16:51.08\00:16:53.67
I wasn't going to college,
I was just trying to forget.
00:16:53.70\00:16:58.97
Were you in at a jail yet?
00:16:59.00\00:17:00.30
Were you in hospital?
00:17:00.33\00:17:02.42
Did they put you okay,
talk about some of the stuff
00:17:02.45\00:17:05.54
that really came in to your life
00:17:05.57\00:17:07.37
because of that violence?
00:17:07.40\00:17:08.98
Well, because of
that, that really puts you,
00:17:09.01\00:17:10.90
you know, in a really high
risk situation at all times.
00:17:10.93\00:17:15.48
I just want to add
also part of the reason
00:17:15.51\00:17:17.75
I was doing that is
'cause I hated myself so much
00:17:17.78\00:17:21.50
like I was explaining and
I was constantly suicidal.
00:17:21.53\00:17:25.59
I had tried to kill
myself on a number of occasions
00:17:25.62\00:17:29.87
and it got to the point
where there was something
00:17:29.90\00:17:36.38
that wasn't letting me die.
00:17:36.41\00:17:39.00
I realized now its God.
00:17:39.03\00:17:41.39
At the time I
didn't understand that,
00:17:41.42\00:17:43.52
I just thought I'm
trying to kill myself
00:17:43.55\00:17:46.02
this is all I want
because I just want
00:17:46.05\00:17:47.74
to be release from this pain.
00:17:47.77\00:17:50.96
So a lot of times
when I would go out
00:17:50.99\00:17:53.34
and do those violet things,
00:17:53.37\00:17:54.51
I would-- there were times
00:17:54.54\00:17:55.66
I would out by myself
in to violent neighborhoods
00:17:55.69\00:17:59.31
hoping to see
somebody who I would hurt
00:17:59.34\00:18:02.16
and then they would kill me.
00:18:02.19\00:18:03.95
Because I couldn't do it myself,
00:18:03.98\00:18:05.72
it wasn't I was
trying and isn't working.
00:18:05.75\00:18:08.77
So I would go in to
these violent situations hoping
00:18:08.80\00:18:11.51
that somebody would kill me
00:18:11.54\00:18:13.58
and a lot of it was that
too, I just wanted to die.
00:18:13.61\00:18:18.57
I just couldn't
take it any more.
00:18:18.60\00:18:19.65
So I could just see
you right with somebody,
00:18:19.68\00:18:21.87
you know, with a gun or anything
00:18:21.90\00:18:23.15
and just saying what do
you think you scaring me?
00:18:23.18\00:18:24.94
Shoot me, go ahead and
I could, I could see that
00:18:24.97\00:18:28.86
and that happens-- that happens.
00:18:28.89\00:18:31.62
And so you've
done stuff like this.
00:18:31.65\00:18:33.00
So now you are
in those situations,
00:18:33.03\00:18:35.43
you are literally
trying to get yourself killed
00:18:35.46\00:18:39.18
and not no jail,
no mental health,
00:18:39.21\00:18:41.26
no
hospitalizations none of that?
00:18:41.29\00:18:43.17
No.
00:18:43.20\00:18:44.43
Because how did you say
off the good in that way?
00:18:44.46\00:18:48.50
Well, it was a matter of
time and I didn't it was just,
00:18:48.53\00:18:50.70
this was just
before eventually just,
00:18:50.73\00:18:53.94
you know, it all close in on me,
00:18:53.97\00:18:57.01
it just, it got really
bad because there was a time,
00:18:57.04\00:19:02.22
right around
that time I started--
00:19:02.25\00:19:06.11
I remember one
time I took my sister
00:19:06.14\00:19:07.89
some where in my car,
00:19:07.92\00:19:10.07
but we had to pick
something at her house first
00:19:10.10\00:19:11.84
and so I went in
and I went outside
00:19:11.87\00:19:14.08
but I had left the lights on
00:19:14.11\00:19:16.63
and so when I came back
out the car wouldn't start
00:19:16.66\00:19:19.47
you know, no big deal the
car wouldn't start you know.
00:19:19.50\00:19:24.45
But just that
little situation I--
00:19:24.48\00:19:29.22
my reaction was I ran to
the backyard in the dirt,
00:19:29.25\00:19:31.58
cold up in the fetal position
00:19:31.61\00:19:34.11
and I don't know
how to explain it
00:19:34.14\00:19:36.63
I just completely
shut off the outside world.
00:19:36.66\00:19:40.17
And those situations more often
00:19:40.20\00:19:43.46
and more often were happening,
00:19:43.49\00:19:44.58
and happening, and happening
00:19:44.61\00:19:45.66
and I was just
literarily I was still conscious
00:19:45.69\00:19:50.74
but nothing well just going on.
00:19:50.77\00:19:51.97
I just couldn't
take it any more.
00:19:52.00\00:19:53.74
It's almost like
you're driving a car on a trip
00:19:53.77\00:19:58.54
and you are so tired
00:19:58.57\00:20:00.43
that you have
somebody else takeover
00:20:00.46\00:20:02.06
and that's what I would do.
00:20:02.09\00:20:03.13
My life was so tiring
that I was still on the trip
00:20:03.16\00:20:06.69
but I had somebody else
drive for me a while you know,
00:20:06.72\00:20:08.91
here I take over for a while--
00:20:08.94\00:20:10.91
So almost went to
a catatonic stage--
00:20:10.94\00:20:12.97
I'm not gonna feel,
I'm not gonna interact,
00:20:13.00\00:20:15.91
I don't see you anymore
and I'm in the safe place
00:20:15.94\00:20:19.44
and the safe place
is far from your reach,
00:20:19.47\00:20:22.54
you can't reach me
here, you can't touch me here.
00:20:22.57\00:20:25.41
And I would go inside my mind
00:20:25.44\00:20:27.32
and one of the side
effects of doing that
00:20:27.35\00:20:30.75
though is somebody
else had to be in control,
00:20:30.78\00:20:33.85
but I couldn't be, I
couldn't take it anymore.
00:20:33.88\00:20:36.98
So my mind created a part of me
00:20:37.01\00:20:41.25
that could
takeover and could live
00:20:41.28\00:20:45.42
when I couldn't take it anymore.
00:20:45.45\00:20:46.94
And--
00:20:46.97\00:20:48.67
Are you talking
about literally having that
00:20:48.70\00:20:51.69
that fragmentation
in the split personality
00:20:51.72\00:20:53.98
where you other, you have
created other personalities
00:20:54.01\00:20:56.54
that can step up and
say, I will do it for you?
00:20:56.57\00:20:59.20
Yeah, I created
them to protect me.
00:20:59.23\00:21:02.49
What's really
like even saying that,
00:21:02.52\00:21:05.40
now Adam, its really interesting
00:21:05.43\00:21:07.96
because some
people don't realize
00:21:07.99\00:21:09.67
what that means to fragment,
00:21:09.70\00:21:11.02
to be so and so much torment
00:21:11.05\00:21:14.24
that you will
consciously or unconsciously
00:21:14.27\00:21:17.15
create some an entity a person,
00:21:17.18\00:21:20.32
and I think the
devil himself says,
00:21:20.35\00:21:21.88
oh, good I will
takeover I will do that for you.
00:21:21.91\00:21:24.17
Could be.
00:21:24.20\00:21:25.46
You know, so you split
taken other personalities,
00:21:25.49\00:21:28.96
you can literally have
some other personalities step up
00:21:28.99\00:21:31.59
and go back in to your life.
00:21:31.62\00:21:33.43
And then I can rest, finally.
00:21:33.46\00:21:35.43
Yeah.
00:21:35.46\00:21:36.62
And that's all I cared about
and so at first I liked it,
00:21:36.65\00:21:42.12
I just I love the situation,
00:21:42.15\00:21:44.19
I created a part of
me that would protect me,
00:21:44.22\00:21:46.40
look out for me
while I could just relax
00:21:46.43\00:21:51.17
and not have to deal
with it for a while--
00:21:51.20\00:21:55.33
Its interest in when you,
when you tell me that story,
00:21:55.36\00:21:57.68
its interest in that you tell it
00:21:57.71\00:21:59.78
with such a conscious awareness
of telling of doing that.
00:21:59.81\00:22:02.91
I mean you were
very consciously aware
00:22:02.94\00:22:04.67
and even of your rest
00:22:04.70\00:22:06.13
and what you are gonna
say is bad part of was what?
00:22:06.16\00:22:09.53
The bad part was is
the other part of me
00:22:09.56\00:22:12.11
that I created was just
pure violence and pure evil.
00:22:12.14\00:22:15.65
And had the no
conscience like I said
00:22:15.68\00:22:19.04
and just did horrible
things whatever I wanted.
00:22:19.07\00:22:23.16
But I didn't
mind that in of myself
00:22:23.19\00:22:25.55
because-- You got to rest.
00:22:25.58\00:22:27.44
And they were
there to protect me
00:22:27.47\00:22:28.56
and no one had
ever done that before.
00:22:28.59\00:22:30.86
Right, so almost for
the first time in your life,
00:22:30.89\00:22:33.20
you could say thank you
00:22:33.23\00:22:34.42
even though it was
incredibly violent.
00:22:34.45\00:22:37.93
Yeah.
00:22:37.96\00:22:39.34
And so I over lifted all and--
00:22:39.37\00:22:42.22
So what happened with that?
00:22:42.25\00:22:43.29
That's pretty--
that's that gives to be
00:22:43.32\00:22:45.90
in some really crazy territory.
00:22:45.93\00:22:47.59
Yeah, it gets to the point
00:22:47.62\00:22:48.71
where you're just
around violence all the time
00:22:48.74\00:22:50.64
and other violent people
00:22:50.67\00:22:51.94
and eventually you
just got come to ahead,
00:22:51.97\00:22:56.82
there was a point
where I just happened
00:22:56.85\00:23:00.53
to cross paths with somebody,
00:23:00.56\00:23:02.01
you know, who is just
as bad and hateful as me
00:23:02.04\00:23:05.20
and when you get two
people like that together
00:23:05.23\00:23:07.35
and a volatile situation.
00:23:07.38\00:23:10.85
He tried to jump
me, we gotten afraid--
00:23:10.88\00:23:14.37
So both of you are looking
at each other like you know,
00:23:14.40\00:23:16.73
what to get of here
you gonna have to kill me
00:23:16.76\00:23:18.63
and you are saying you
know what I'm okay with that.
00:23:18.66\00:23:21.97
And even though I never met
him before I could just see that
00:23:22.00\00:23:24.12
because I knew.
00:23:24.15\00:23:25.23
You saw that
craziness in him too.
00:23:25.26\00:23:27.09
Because I had it.
00:23:27.12\00:23:28.84
And so--
00:23:28.87\00:23:30.10
So what happened?
00:23:30.13\00:23:31.57
We got in to a fight, I
ended up wining the fight
00:23:31.60\00:23:36.33
but that wasn't the end of
it and I just would escalate,
00:23:36.36\00:23:39.26
and escalate,
and escalate further
00:23:39.29\00:23:41.82
and further so we had
00:23:41.85\00:23:44.53
you know, we just had this
horrible violent confrontation,
00:23:44.56\00:23:47.88
and there is a
point where I'm in my car
00:23:47.91\00:23:52.00
and he is trying to pull
me out and I hit the gas,
00:23:52.03\00:23:54.91
and he gets ran
over and he dies.
00:23:54.94\00:23:59.14
Wow. And, yeah.
00:23:59.17\00:24:04.34
Even at that
moment, at that moment
00:24:04.37\00:24:06.20
because of your
pain and where you been
00:24:06.23\00:24:09.70
that was not a big deal, was it?
00:24:09.73\00:24:13.33
Not at the time, it is now.
00:24:13.36\00:24:15.17
Now that I have changed,
this is you know, horrible--
00:24:15.20\00:24:18.09
I'm gonna go
ahead and take a break
00:24:18.12\00:24:19.81
because I want to come back
and talk to you not only about
00:24:19.84\00:24:23.49
what happened next and
what happened with this,
00:24:23.52\00:24:26.87
but how did God ever reach you
00:24:26.90\00:24:29.51
because right now you are
hiding behind all of this anger
00:24:29.54\00:24:32.85
and all of this evil.
00:24:32.88\00:24:34.77
We're gonna be
right back, stay with us.
00:24:34.80\00:24:37.20
My heart breaks,
for Adam it breaks
00:24:37.23\00:24:39.29
for all of the folks
that have had to hide
00:24:39.32\00:24:42.94
and take care of everyone there
00:24:42.97\00:24:44.22
until they just snap,
00:24:44.25\00:24:45.83
but stay with us and
hear the end of the story
00:24:45.86\00:24:48.13
because it's pretty
amazing what God's able to do.
00:24:48.16\00:24:51.80