The following program
discusses sensitive issues
00:00:01.06\00:00:03.38
related to addictive behavior.
00:00:03.41\00:00:04.96
Parents are cautioned
that some material may be
00:00:04.99\00:00:07.19
too candid for younger children.
00:00:07.22\00:00:08.96
Welcome the
Celebrating Life in Recovery.
00:00:12.13\00:00:14.21
My name is Cheri, I'm your host
00:00:14.24\00:00:15.70
and this is a friend
of mine Wayne Blakely.
00:00:15.73\00:00:18.44
Wayne, you're coming
out of the gay culture,
00:00:18.47\00:00:21.24
are you ever tempted?
00:00:21.27\00:00:23.70
I think you're gonna have
to watch the show to find out.
00:00:23.73\00:00:25.87
Oh, man. Come join us.
00:00:25.90\00:00:27.84
Welcome, this
season, you remember
00:00:56.07\00:00:58.36
we were talking about
the book Celebrations,
00:00:58.39\00:01:00.65
it covers everything,
from choices to exercise,
00:01:00.68\00:01:05.07
to liquids or you
know, all the kind of stuff,
00:01:05.10\00:01:07.75
how to take care of yourselves,
00:01:07.78\00:01:08.84
physically,
mentally, spiritually.
00:01:08.87\00:01:10.61
Right now we're on
integrity and I hate that.
00:01:10.64\00:01:13.68
You know, what I hate about
it and I am gonna go into that
00:01:13.71\00:01:16.70
because what I hate
about it is that it really does
00:01:16.73\00:01:19.52
call us to look
at who we are really.
00:01:19.55\00:01:22.01
And I am gonna tell
you-- start out with story
00:01:22.04\00:01:24.43
and the story I
loved, there was this mother,
00:01:24.46\00:01:26.97
she has this little
boy and she adores him
00:01:27.00\00:01:29.26
but he's not following
her advice on what to eat
00:01:29.29\00:01:31.87
and he's eating too
much sugar and stuff
00:01:31.90\00:01:33.45
so she takes him
to Mahatma Gandhi.
00:01:33.48\00:01:36.09
Right, she takes
him to Gandhi and says,
00:01:36.12\00:01:38.00
you know, tell
him not to eat sugar.
00:01:38.03\00:01:40.59
And Gandhi
looks at her and says,
00:01:40.62\00:01:43.06
no, you know, bring
him back in a month.
00:01:43.09\00:01:46.88
And the mother is like,
she's got so angry like,
00:01:46.91\00:01:49.85
bring him back in a month?
00:01:49.88\00:01:50.95
I did this track to see you,
I brought him here to see you
00:01:50.98\00:01:54.46
and what do you mean,
bring him back in a month?
00:01:54.49\00:01:56.46
And so he says,
bring him back in a month.
00:01:56.49\00:01:58.31
And so she does, a month
later she brings him back.
00:01:58.34\00:02:01.17
And He leans over and he gently
takes the little boy's hand
00:02:01.20\00:02:04.65
and he says, you know,
don't eat so much sugar.
00:02:04.68\00:02:07.70
And the boy is
delighted, he loves him
00:02:07.73\00:02:10.93
and he walks away.
00:02:10.96\00:02:12.00
And the mother's like,
00:02:12.03\00:02:13.06
why couldn't you
do that last month?
00:02:13.09\00:02:14.60
I mean, what's
the deal with that?
00:02:14.63\00:02:16.22
And he said, I couldn't
because last I was eating sugar.
00:02:16.25\00:02:20.24
And I thought oh,
shut up, how fun is that?
00:02:20.27\00:02:22.49
It's says so integrity
00:02:22.52\00:02:24.08
is don't tell
someone to do something
00:02:24.11\00:02:26.38
that you are not doing yourself,
00:02:26.41\00:02:27.95
that you are not--
that's not really who you are,
00:02:27.98\00:02:30.80
all of that kind of stuff.
00:02:30.83\00:02:31.88
And so I am gonna tell you
something that it's so hard
00:02:31.91\00:02:34.26
that at one point I thought,
I am just gonna tell you,
00:02:34.29\00:02:38.96
and when I
first started ministry
00:02:38.99\00:02:42.33
I had not
remembered years of my life.
00:02:42.36\00:02:45.61
I mean, when somebody
says, what was your school like,
00:02:45.64\00:02:48.53
elementary school?
00:02:48.56\00:02:49.59
I don't remember.
00:02:49.62\00:02:50.65
You know, I
remember a few incidences,
00:02:50.68\00:02:52.33
a few more or less
times I got beat up,
00:02:52.36\00:02:55.32
I mean, that kind of stuff,
times that I got really injured
00:02:55.35\00:02:58.35
or whatever but I don't
remember the day to day stuff.
00:02:58.38\00:03:01.23
And about family life,
00:03:01.26\00:03:03.24
I remember some
really tragic stuff
00:03:03.27\00:03:05.37
but I don't remember
the day to day stuff.
00:03:05.40\00:03:07.54
So in recovery, you
know, I have these stories
00:03:07.57\00:03:11.49
that I've told over
and over and over again,
00:03:11.52\00:03:13.79
these things that have happened
over and over and over again.
00:03:13.82\00:03:16.42
And there was a
point in my recovery,
00:03:16.45\00:03:18.57
years into my
recovery, I had even sat with
00:03:18.60\00:03:20.66
authors in the
beginning when we wrote
00:03:20.69\00:03:22.50
Miracles from the
Street and they would ask me,
00:03:22.53\00:03:24.52
Cheri, what year did
this happen, you know.
00:03:24.55\00:03:28.84
And so I am thinking, who knows.
00:03:28.87\00:03:30.70
Like you know, my
sister and I hitch-hike from
00:03:30.73\00:03:32.58
New York to
California, we were kids,
00:03:32.62\00:03:35.90
you know, all the stuffs
that happened on the trip
00:03:35.93\00:03:38.93
and all that kind of
stuff and they said what year?
00:03:38.96\00:03:40.49
And I said, I don't know.
00:03:40.52\00:03:41.57
They said, well, try to
think, do you remember anything,
00:03:41.60\00:03:44.05
anything that was on the radio
or television and whatever?
00:03:44.08\00:03:46.83
And I thought, you
know, we stopped in Oklahoma
00:03:46.86\00:03:49.20
and we were at the world's fair,
00:03:49.23\00:03:50.36
not the world's
fair but the state fair.
00:03:50.39\00:03:52.25
We were at state fair,
President Ford was there,
00:03:52.28\00:03:55.19
and he had just been--
somebody tried to kill him
00:03:55.22\00:03:57.96
just recently from or
whatever, some Manson follower.
00:03:57.99\00:04:01.39
And so I made a joke
at the fair and I said,
00:04:01.42\00:04:04.29
what if they think new are
here to kill the president?
00:04:04.32\00:04:06.29
You know, I don't know
why I thought that was funny.
00:04:06.32\00:04:08.88
But I cracked up
and all the sudden
00:04:08.91\00:04:10.69
we are surrounded
by secret servicemen.
00:04:10.72\00:04:12.60
I mean, it was like
they got us right away.
00:04:12.63\00:04:14.67
Well, I remember that.
00:04:14.70\00:04:16.11
So somebody checked the year,
00:04:16.14\00:04:17.88
when was Ford at
the Oklahoma state fair,
00:04:17.91\00:04:20.68
what year was it,
all that kind of stuff.
00:04:20.71\00:04:22.39
And so a lot of
times I would actually
00:04:22.42\00:04:25.67
get dates of events
from that kind of stuffs,
00:04:25.70\00:04:28.66
sitting down and
brain-storming and al that.
00:04:28.69\00:04:30.94
But when somebody
says, well, when--
00:04:30.97\00:04:32.68
how old were you
exactly when you got kidnapped
00:04:32.71\00:04:35.19
by a motorcycle
gang, by the bikers?
00:04:35.22\00:04:38.29
And I am thinking,
okay, I think I was like 14
00:04:38.32\00:04:40.60
but I am not sure
because I am a druggie.
00:04:40.63\00:04:42.73
And I want to
say that to you guys,
00:04:42.76\00:04:45.21
I am a druggie, I
don't know, was it Tuesday,
00:04:45.24\00:04:47.79
was it Wednesday,
00:04:47.82\00:04:48.85
what is 20 years
ago or 50 years ago.
00:04:48.88\00:04:51.37
I don't know.
00:04:51.40\00:04:52.43
I mean, that whole
time was just lost to me.
00:04:52.46\00:04:54.87
We tried to figure it out.
00:04:54.90\00:04:56.21
So as I am going into
recovery I read this book
00:04:56.24\00:04:59.28
and the guy says,
00:04:59.31\00:05:00.45
in your recovery
try to think about
00:05:00.48\00:05:03.19
something that was
delightful in your past.
00:05:03.22\00:05:06.18
Try to think about something
that was healing in your past.
00:05:06.21\00:05:08.52
And so I tried to think of that
and I remember thinking about,
00:05:08.55\00:05:11.90
at one point my mom and my
mom, you know, all the memories
00:05:11.93\00:05:16.98
I had were pretty
kind of twisted and,
00:05:17.01\00:05:20.06
but I just kind of
tried to do a suicide attempt,
00:05:20.09\00:05:22.73
I injured
myself and I got braces
00:05:22.76\00:05:25.25
and all kind of stuff on,
00:05:25.28\00:05:26.85
and my friends came over
and they were going skating.
00:05:26.88\00:05:29.60
And I was trying to figure
out how to go skating with them.
00:05:29.63\00:05:32.29
And so it was on my good
leg, I had braces on one side,
00:05:32.32\00:05:35.56
but on my good leg I
was trying to put skate on.
00:05:35.59\00:05:37.66
And my mom walked by
and she smiled and she said,
00:05:37.69\00:05:41.19
nothing ever stops you.
00:05:41.22\00:05:44.29
And I remember
looking at her and smiling.
00:05:44.32\00:05:46.34
And it was such a cool thing,
00:05:46.37\00:05:48.36
it was almost a
respectful thing.
00:05:48.39\00:05:50.01
So I started to
remember way into my recovery
00:05:50.04\00:05:52.81
some of the cool
things that happened,
00:05:52.84\00:05:54.91
some of the times
that were good in my life.
00:05:54.94\00:05:57.60
And as I started to remember
00:05:57.63\00:05:59.67
that I started
to get more healing.
00:05:59.70\00:06:01.36
I also talked with my
mom, my mom used to joke
00:06:01.39\00:06:05.81
around a lot that she
was born on Pearl Harbor day.
00:06:05.84\00:06:08.70
This is gonna really
tell you exactly how old I am,
00:06:08.73\00:06:11.53
so that's fine with me.
00:06:11.56\00:06:12.66
But she' born on
Pearl Harbor day.
00:06:12.69\00:06:14.47
So I thought, I
was born in 1955,
00:06:14.50\00:06:17.34
so from Pearl Harbor to 1955,
00:06:17.37\00:06:20.19
how old was my
mom when she had me?
00:06:20.22\00:06:23.07
You know she was 14 years old.
00:06:23.10\00:06:24.71
So I thought,
man, she was young.
00:06:24.74\00:06:26.62
And I remember thinking
that, when I figured it out,
00:06:26.65\00:06:28.83
I thought she was young.
00:06:28.86\00:06:29.89
Well, years later, I mean,
not too long ago my mom said,
00:06:29.92\00:06:33.47
no, no, I was born
on Pearl Harbor day,
00:06:33.50\00:06:36.78
not the day they
bombed Pearl Harbor.
00:06:36.81\00:06:39.03
But when she joked
as a kind it was like
00:06:39.06\00:06:41.16
when they were blowing
up the ship she was born.
00:06:41.19\00:06:42.94
I mean, it sounded like that.
00:06:42.97\00:06:44.27
So now I realized that she
was actually probably not 14,
00:06:44.30\00:06:47.96
she was 15 or
16 when she had me.
00:06:47.99\00:06:50.50
And then I find out
from my grandmother,
00:06:50.53\00:06:52.85
my grandmother got
married to my grandfather
00:06:52.88\00:06:55.64
but she lied
about her age 10 years.
00:06:55.67\00:06:58.16
She said, she
was 10 years younger.
00:06:58.19\00:07:00.52
So that changes a
lot of my recognition
00:07:00.55\00:07:04.56
or recollection about stuff.
00:07:04.59\00:07:06.01
So anyhow, so I am starting
to look at that kind of stuff,
00:07:06.04\00:07:08.78
I am starting to look at okay,
what was real and what wasn't,
00:07:08.81\00:07:11.77
all of that.
00:07:11.80\00:07:12.83
And I think as I
heal I am forgiving people
00:07:12.86\00:07:16.31
and I am
looking at these stories
00:07:16.34\00:07:17.88
and I am thinking that you know,
00:07:17.91\00:07:19.70
what, I got to tell somebody
00:07:19.73\00:07:21.37
because what if I keep
saying the same stories
00:07:21.40\00:07:24.47
as if they were same stories,
when I am starting to realize
00:07:24.50\00:07:27.41
maybe they are not.
00:07:27.44\00:07:28.78
I was sitting with my mom,
my mom was a mess, hated me.
00:07:28.81\00:07:32.62
I felt like she was
hated me, that's what I got.
00:07:32.65\00:07:34.84
She didn't bond with
me, she didn't' touched me,
00:07:34.87\00:07:37.13
she didn't hold me, I
left and I felt like that,
00:07:37.16\00:07:39.79
I still feel like that today.
00:07:39.82\00:07:41.54
But one day I am
at my mom's house,
00:07:41.57\00:07:43.33
its 2:30 in the morning,
00:07:43.36\00:07:45.25
we are sitting
there on the computer,
00:07:45.28\00:07:48.43
she's on the
computer, I am on the computer
00:07:48.46\00:07:50.14
and she pulls her
chair behind me and she says,
00:07:50.17\00:07:53.14
can I speak to you?
00:07:53.17\00:07:54.97
And I thought, yeah, you know.
00:07:55.00\00:07:56.91
And so she comes
over and she says,
00:07:56.94\00:07:59.71
I just want to tell you
00:07:59.74\00:08:00.82
something that
happened to me as a kid.
00:08:00.85\00:08:02.27
And so I said, okay.
00:08:02.30\00:08:03.83
And I felt like God
said, don't turn around,
00:08:03.86\00:08:06.54
don't turn around
because if you turn around
00:08:06.57\00:08:08.49
she will stop talking.
00:08:08.52\00:08:09.55
So I just kept on the computer
and kept doing something
00:08:09.58\00:08:12.07
and she said, when she was
a kid she got given by her mom
00:08:12.10\00:08:16.19
to someone else,
her mom was alcoholic
00:08:16.22\00:08:18.88
and so anyhow she
gave my mom to an aunt
00:08:18.91\00:08:22.85
and the aunt was raising her.
00:08:22.88\00:08:24.68
But the aunt got
her into a school
00:08:24.71\00:08:28.22
that really
developed her artistically
00:08:28.25\00:08:30.58
and in the arts and
painting and drawing
00:08:30.61\00:08:32.92
and all that kind of
stuff and she was very gifted.
00:08:32.95\00:08:35.20
So then she got a
scholarship for a high school
00:08:35.23\00:08:38.10
when she was 12 years
old, she was really young
00:08:38.13\00:08:40.43
but really smart.
00:08:40.46\00:08:41.79
I hope I got some of
that but she was really smart
00:08:41.82\00:08:44.24
so she got put
into a high school
00:08:44.27\00:08:46.08
on the scholarship for the art.
00:08:46.11\00:08:47.73
So she get's in this high school
00:08:47.76\00:08:49.32
and she's telling me,
00:08:49.35\00:08:50.38
I don't know any of this,
I've never heard of any this.
00:08:50.41\00:08:52.31
So she's talking
behind me, and she said that
00:08:52.34\00:08:54.66
she even didn't want
to go to the high school
00:08:54.69\00:08:57.18
because she
thought maybe they gave me
00:08:57.21\00:08:58.61
the scholarship
because I am young
00:08:58.64\00:08:59.98
and they just
though that was cool
00:09:00.01\00:09:01.57
and maybe I am really
not as good as I think
00:09:01.60\00:09:04.41
I am or I am not
artistic or whatever.
00:09:04.44\00:09:06.51
And so I am
thinking, that is so amazing,
00:09:06.54\00:09:08.75
I didn't know that
about her you know,
00:09:08.78\00:09:10.27
that she really liked the
art and drawing and all that.
00:09:10.30\00:09:13.26
So anyhow she is
talking on and on,
00:09:13.29\00:09:15.90
when she got
accepted in the school,
00:09:15.93\00:09:17.53
when she finally realized
that it was her abilities
00:09:17.56\00:09:20.18
that got her the
scholarship she settled in
00:09:20.21\00:09:22.70
and she started to make friends
00:09:22.73\00:09:23.95
and she said my whole
life was turning around,
00:09:23.98\00:09:25.94
it was so amazing.
00:09:25.97\00:09:27.70
And then her mom
met another alcoholic
00:09:27.73\00:09:30.58
and decided to come
00:09:30.61\00:09:32.06
and take her
from her aunt's house,
00:09:32.09\00:09:33.37
move her from
Canada to California,
00:09:33.40\00:09:35.76
didn't asked her about school,
00:09:35.79\00:09:37.47
didn't asked her
about her life or anything,
00:09:37.50\00:09:39.04
just came one day,
packed her up and moved here.
00:09:39.07\00:09:41.65
And she said I
stopped dreaming, I stopped--
00:09:41.68\00:09:45.05
I was so angry.
00:09:45.08\00:09:46.37
You know like, if there is
a God how could this happen.
00:09:46.40\00:09:49.37
And as she's talking I
wanted to just weep for her,
00:09:49.40\00:09:52.63
I wanted to cry for her.
00:09:52.66\00:09:54.14
And I remember thinking
I am so sorry that you went
00:09:54.17\00:09:56.86
through that and I
knew I couldn't turn around
00:09:56.89\00:09:58.68
because she wouldn't talk.
00:09:58.71\00:09:59.74
My mom doesn't
share much with people.
00:09:59.77\00:10:01.87
And she says, do you
think that changed my life?
00:10:01.90\00:10:05.70
And I wanted to weep.
00:10:05.73\00:10:07.17
I said, I can't
even-- my heart breaks
00:10:07.20\00:10:10.28
because you shut down so much,
00:10:10.31\00:10:12.51
I think that took
everything from you.
00:10:12.54\00:10:14.67
And as I am listening,
00:10:14.70\00:10:16.57
I am thinking
that my perspective
00:10:16.60\00:10:19.09
on the whole childhood
thing in the whole background
00:10:19.12\00:10:22.53
really is changing
because I am looking at my mom
00:10:22.56\00:10:25.71
and her stuff and what
she brought to the table,
00:10:25.74\00:10:28.68
what she gave and couldn't given
00:10:28.71\00:10:31.40
what she could given
00:10:31.43\00:10:32.55
and it just started
making a difference.
00:10:32.58\00:10:34.59
And so when I tell
the story now about
00:10:34.62\00:10:37.49
not being loved
and being neglected
00:10:37.52\00:10:39.32
a part of me aches
00:10:39.35\00:10:40.85
because I want to
say every single time,
00:10:40.88\00:10:43.46
can I tell you about her life
00:10:43.49\00:10:45.00
because her life
was really intense also.
00:10:45.03\00:10:48.39
And so as God's healing me
I no longer feel like this--
00:10:48.42\00:10:53.95
I no longer feel that
she was so cool to me.
00:10:53.98\00:10:58.19
What I feel like is
the devil had a strategy
00:10:58.22\00:11:00.99
for generations before I came.
00:11:01.02\00:11:03.34
And if I am going to
recover, if I am gonna stand up,
00:11:03.37\00:11:06.83
if I truly I am gonna
live a life of integrity
00:11:06.86\00:11:09.44
not only am I
gonna start to heal,
00:11:09.47\00:11:11.38
I am gonna start
to try to honestly
00:11:11.41\00:11:13.55
look at the things
that I tell you about
00:11:13.58\00:11:15.97
the people in my life.
00:11:16.00\00:11:17.13
And sometimes I am
gonna have to tell you,
00:11:17.16\00:11:19.06
you know what, my
take on it 20 years ago
00:11:19.09\00:11:21.42
is so different
than my take on it today.
00:11:21.45\00:11:23.80
Was it a lie 20
years ago or 10 years ago
00:11:23.83\00:11:26.24
or five years ago, it was not.
00:11:26.27\00:11:28.21
But I want to say
that I am changing
00:11:28.24\00:11:30.24
because God is changing me.
00:11:30.27\00:11:31.97
So we're gonna
look at integrity,
00:11:32.00\00:11:33.56
those issues, what
happens in our recovery.
00:11:33.59\00:11:36.00
And don't let someone
not let you speak out loud
00:11:36.03\00:11:38.99
because if I
don't say this out loud
00:11:39.02\00:11:41.93
I can't grow any further
than what I've got done so far.
00:11:41.96\00:11:44.79
And I am gonna
say to each of you is
00:11:44.82\00:11:48.34
when you start to learn
the truth in a different way,
00:11:48.37\00:11:50.87
when God unravels
even your own stuff
00:11:50.90\00:11:55.24
in a different
way, say to somebody.
00:11:55.27\00:11:57.73
Man, I am sorry
for how I thought.
00:11:57.76\00:12:00.00
I am sorry for the
things that I've said.
00:12:00.03\00:12:01.89
I am sorry for even the
anger that I've had towards you.
00:12:01.92\00:12:05.57
I forgive you, please forgive me
00:12:05.60\00:12:07.98
and step into your
life with integrity.
00:12:08.01\00:12:10.15
When we come back
00:12:10.18\00:12:11.21
I am gonna
introduce you to a friend,
00:12:11.24\00:12:13.79
Wayne Blakely, has
a ministry coming out,
00:12:13.82\00:12:15.99
ministry it's amazing.
00:12:16.02\00:12:17.58
And he's really gone to
a lot but he's standing up
00:12:17.61\00:12:20.49
in such a cool way right now
00:12:20.52\00:12:22.72
that I think
you're gonna be blessed.
00:12:22.75\00:12:24.77
I'll be right back.
00:12:24.80\00:12:25.84