The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to addictive behavior.
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Parents are
cautioned that some material
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may be too candid
for younger children.
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Welcome the
Celebrating Life in Recovery.
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My name is Cheri, I'm your host.
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Can we survive
like adultery and anger
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and abuse, resentment.
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This is a
continuation from last week
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and this journey is incredible.
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Come join us.
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Welcome, so we are really
looking at all kinds of things
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this session as
far as health wise.
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How to maintain our recovery
and I've just been blessed.
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You know, from the
very first interview
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to the very last
has just been amazing,
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but this week
we're looking at air.
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And I'm trying to figure
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how to tie in air with the story
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that you gonna hear
with the life testimony
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that you gonna hear and
I think God gave me a way.
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One of the things that I learn
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when I was traveling
is there was a young girl
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that who had emphysema
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and she really
could not breathe at all.
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And as I was staying
with her at her home,
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her mother came over and
her mother is just amazing,
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just a incredible woman of God.
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And they said that
when she was little,
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her mom was a chain
smoker, smoked all the time.
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The little girl
would go to school
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and people would
tease her like do you smoke
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and she'd go
like no, I don't smoke
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but her clothes
smelled like smoke.
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The current in the
house smelled like smoke.
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It was like she was
always just smelled like smoke
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and so all the kids tease her.
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She finally told
her mom when she was 10,
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I can't stand that anymore.
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And you got to quit smoking.
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Well, her mom was devastated.
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I had no idea you were
going through all that,
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so she quit smoking.
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That very day was
really, really tough.
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Because smoking was harder
for me to quit than heroin,
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I mean it's a tough addiction.
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But she quit that
very day for her daughter
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but it wasn't soon enough.
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Her daughter is dying
in her 30s of emphysema
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and she has never smoked at all.
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But she was surrounded by smoke
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so even the air
quality in our home,
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even if I'm not
bringing it into my life
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and I'm surrounded by smokers,
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I could end up with
some lung diseases from that.
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So it's really important
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when you're going into recovery.
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If you're smoking,
man, I know it's hard
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but you got to quit.
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You know, I just got to say,
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I'm not your mom nor I'm
not your grandma whatever
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but I'm just
saying you got to quit
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because it will take
your life and so think about
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making sure that even
in the house open windows,
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you know don't
close things off so much.
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We have air conditioners
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and we have all
that kind of stuff
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but the air quality sometimes
in our home are so bad.
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So open your
windows, go outside,
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take a deep
breathe like every hour
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so take a deep breathe, it
changes how your body reacts
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and if you try to
recover from something,
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you gonna want
all the help you need.
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But what happens
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if you can't
breathe emotionally?
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What happens if you're so full
of either anger or resentment
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or bitterness or
whatever and you can't breathe?
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And I hate to say that's why
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I'm gonna
introduce my next guest.
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But I'm gonna
introduce my next guest.
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Well, the first
time I heard your story,
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I thought that you
really are brave coming out
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and saying this is my issue,
this is what I'm dealing with.
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We were talking about air,
taking a breathe emotionally,
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all those kind of things.
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So I want to
turn it over to you,
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but I want you to start
from the very beginning,
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who are you?
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What kinds of things
did you grow up with?
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And then, you
know, what the issue is,
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then go into the issue.
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Okay.
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I'll try to keep
the two things separate.
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I'd say I had by my
way of seeing things
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probably pretty normal life.
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I had a mom and a dad
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that stuck together
through their whole lives.
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They are still together.
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My dad, I was
raised in a Christian home.
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Both mom and dad were
Christians before I was born.
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My dad's was--
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his family was
converted to Christianity
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when he was a little boy.
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My mom is a multi
generation Christian.
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So it sounds perfect.
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Yeah, I mean it's
in a lot of ways on
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and that's, you
know, gets begins to cross
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over almost immediately
because that was the goal,
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was to make
everything look perfect.
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And there was all
kinds of little games
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that were played too.
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Make sure that one we
set outside the front door,
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we had vocabulary,
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we had the way of
saying things and doing things
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that made us look
like nothing was wrong.
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Ever.
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Was that the truth?
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No, I think
probably all families.
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By now, I think I've realized
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all families have certain
kinds and levels of dysfunction.
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And if my family had its
kind and level of dysfunction.
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Okay.
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And so but you learned
early on that you know what,
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whatever is happening
inside, that's one thing.
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When you step out the
door, you better look like this.
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So you need to look like this.
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Yeah, and I mean,
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I think a family
is a sacred thing.
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It's a sacred institution,
that's what I think,
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that's what I believe.
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But there gets to
be such a game played
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with that
sacredness that the things
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that are reserved for the family
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I think and they
are meant to be personal
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and somewhat
private in the family
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are meant to be uplifting,
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so that when I walk out
the proverbial front door
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what I'm, what's
shining out of me is real.
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Its not pasted
on. Right, it's joy.
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And in my family I
think the sensation was
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that we were always
covering something up.
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And so I think that had probably
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for a lot to do even
now when I think back on
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what was my
perception of growing up way.
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And I had my family,
totally psychoanalyzed
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by the time I was
about 15, 18 years old.
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I had everything figured out.
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I had my dad figured
out, had my mom figured out.
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I figured out what was wrong.
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When I got to college a
lot of what I had figured out
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I had affirmed in
psyche what I want.
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I took psyche what I want.
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So you do, you
looking every page
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and say oh, that is so me, yeah.
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I mean and things
just kind of clicked
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and I went okay,
so I wasn't just young
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and naive, really
some of the things
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I figured out at
least in terms of mechanics
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of the human
psyche and things that go
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good and bad wasn't too far off.
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And along with that
went-- I wouldn't say vows
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but I made
promises that the things
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I identified as
being just plain negative,
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obviously bad in the family,
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were they were
being covered up or not.
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I was never going
to do those things.
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I'm not gonna be that.
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I'm not gonna have that,
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that's not gonna
be part of my family.
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I'm never gonna be like that.
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Yeah. Those are incredible.
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You know, to me I
don't think we realize
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and you probably
even a way you said
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that have some awareness
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but I don't
think we realized that
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I think the enemy
himself steps in at that moment,
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we make those kind of covenant
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or vows or
promises that you know,
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I'm not gonna ever have
that insane just as yeah.
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You better make
sure, you gonna make sure
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and so we
can't-- It's like those
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who have such
horrendous things to say,
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to ourselves that nobody
is gonna hurt me like that,
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nobody is gonna.
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Yeah and the worst part
is nobody is gonna hurt me,
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but I'm not
gonna hurt people like
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I see that happening to
other people in the family.
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Yeah, I'm not
gonna be like my family.
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I'm not gonna do that from
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more of the
perpetrator standpoint.
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And then things
don't go that way
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and I think I like what you said
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because that's
exactly, it's been a horrific
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and tough growing up
experience spiritually
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to realize all of these.
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I'm never gonna be like
that, I'm never gonna do that.
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I even had functioning paradigms
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by the time I was--
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I'm not kidding
13-14 years old were
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okay, I'm now
projecting myself into adulthood
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and I have a family
and I come home from work
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and it's been a bad day at work.
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This is what I'm not
gonna do. You know what I mean.
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And I have all
these things worked out.
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So, Ralph, for somebody to
do that at such an early age,
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you must have seen
stuff that was pretty intense
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that you said you know, man.
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Well, I mean, how intense
does it have to be on a child.
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And, you know, we were talking
a little bit early about this,
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some of the stuff is relative.
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What shocking to me
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maybe less
shocking to somebody else
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but it's all evil, it's all bad.
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And when you see
your mother and father
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go at each other
even as verbally,
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this can be traumatizing.
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I had, I would say
probably in fact honestly
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I just dealt with this
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I would say 2
years ago with my father.
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There was one time,
there was one faithful night
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probably I was I'm gonna say 12
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and I've run this
through my little brothers,
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I worked with them, I
should say my younger brother
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because they're bigger
and smarter than I'm so,
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that's what goes
around comes around
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'cause I used to
pick on them a lot.
00:09:32.61\00:09:35.36
But... I mean I was probably
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no more than 12 years
old I'll say half sure.
00:09:38.46\00:09:41.04
So my second youngest brother
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and then my youngest
brother was still in diapers.
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He still slept in a crib.
00:09:46.44\00:09:48.13
And one night my
parents got into it
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and they yelled and screamed
at each other all night long.
00:09:50.25\00:09:53.09
Well, to kind of
get back to the point,
00:09:53.12\00:09:55.55
nobody shot anybody
else, that would be,
00:09:55.58\00:09:58.48
I don't know what that would be,
00:09:58.51\00:09:59.54
I can't imagine that
would be bad to hear that
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that's what happens
in other people's houses,
00:10:01.48\00:10:03.23
that's what we told ourselves.
00:10:03.26\00:10:05.12
But when you hear
things being flown,
00:10:05.15\00:10:07.39
you know, thrown
around and they are screaming
00:10:07.42\00:10:09.88
and sometimes you can
even hear the hitting,
00:10:09.91\00:10:12.29
you can hear
that, you know what,
00:10:12.32\00:10:14.01
the body sound as
an interesting sound
00:10:14.04\00:10:15.76
when its get socked.
00:10:15.79\00:10:17.14
And when you hear that all
night long, it changes you.
00:10:17.17\00:10:24.44
It changes you.
00:10:24.47\00:10:25.63
And that was a
traumatizing point in my life
00:10:25.66\00:10:29.79
that I had always, I
knew it was traumatizing
00:10:29.82\00:10:32.65
but I just never really,
00:10:32.68\00:10:34.53
if I can put it this
way gave it enough credit.
00:10:34.56\00:10:37.10
Because here I'm
however old I'm now
00:10:37.13\00:10:41.32
and I'm thinking
00:10:41.35\00:10:43.56
I've taken care of a lot
of the stuff with my parents
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what I call my Freudian stuff.
00:10:47.94\00:10:50.02
I've taken care with my parents.
00:10:50.05\00:10:51.48
Both my mom and
dad individually,
00:10:51.51\00:10:52.79
I've confronted them
with their own issues.
00:10:52.82\00:10:54.91
I've tried to
you, called to you,
00:10:54.94\00:10:57.51
you know the trouble
I was to them growing up
00:10:57.54\00:10:59.58
and so and so
forth as best as I can.
00:10:59.61\00:11:01.85
And then there is this one night
00:11:01.88\00:11:03.56
and it kind of keeps
floating around my head
00:11:03.59\00:11:05.17
and I kind of
keep pushing it away.
00:11:05.20\00:11:06.92
And for me I think
it was the turning point
00:11:06.95\00:11:11.79
or a turning point in my life
00:11:11.82\00:11:13.33
that was very
psychologically damaging
00:11:13.36\00:11:16.77
and spiritually damaging.
00:11:16.80\00:11:18.71
I don't know what
the difference is.
00:11:18.74\00:11:19.77
To me psychology and spiritual,
spirituality are like this.
00:11:19.80\00:11:23.11
I don't, I've hard
times-- Just who we are.
00:11:23.14\00:11:25.98
And I think that changed me
00:11:26.01\00:11:27.29
a lot more than I ever
get credit for than I be.
00:11:27.32\00:11:29.58
And really the Holy Spirit work
and I knew what that felt like
00:11:29.61\00:11:33.26
because when I
graduated from college,
00:11:33.29\00:11:35.21
I went to this with my dad.
00:11:35.24\00:11:37.45
The Holy Spirit really
called me to a relationship
00:11:37.48\00:11:40.72
for the first time
ever with my father.
00:11:40.75\00:11:42.60
I would never ever have a real
relationship with my father.
00:11:42.63\00:11:47.79
It was just too
emotionally risky.
00:11:47.82\00:11:50.84
Because you wanted to
protect yourself against them.
00:11:50.87\00:11:53.50
Right?
00:11:53.53\00:11:54.56
Emotionally and
spiritually. Emotionally.
00:11:54.59\00:11:55.80
So I couldn't trust him.
00:11:55.83\00:11:57.61
I know that, you know,
you could be safe at one point
00:11:57.64\00:12:01.69
but you're not
safe at another point,
00:12:01.72\00:12:03.05
so it's easier
just to distance myself.
00:12:03.08\00:12:05.08
Anything that guy
got, he would take
00:12:05.11\00:12:08.23
and use it as a weapon
against you sooner or later.
00:12:08.26\00:12:11.78
When I got out of college,
the Holy Spirit I was head--
00:12:11.81\00:12:15.21
was in the process of
growing as I pray in now,
00:12:15.24\00:12:18.34
but I was at a
point and the Holy Spirit
00:12:18.37\00:12:20.79
really called me
among other things,
00:12:20.82\00:12:23.03
reconcile with your
father, start a relation--
00:12:23.06\00:12:25.37
It was an interesting calling.
00:12:25.40\00:12:26.79
It wasn't just reconciliation,
it was you may now
00:12:26.82\00:12:29.11
have a relation
ship with your father
00:12:29.14\00:12:30.55
I'm here, I'll protect you.
00:12:30.58\00:12:32.81
It was, it was a
horrific experience mostly
00:12:32.84\00:12:35.15
but he was fast and it
launched a relationship.
00:12:35.18\00:12:39.39
My dad could
never, he wanted that
00:12:39.42\00:12:41.44
but he could never
bring himself to initiate that
00:12:41.47\00:12:43.61
which is really sad,
but with the other garbage
00:12:43.64\00:12:46.34
that goes in the
house is not surprising
00:12:46.37\00:12:48.00
and rushes back that
the patriarch of the family
00:12:48.03\00:12:51.88
couldn't star
the deep relationship
00:12:51.91\00:12:53.76
that he really desired to
have you know with his sons--
00:12:53.79\00:12:56.71
So what did you do
to reconcile with him?
00:12:56.74\00:12:59.76
Did you say something?
00:12:59.79\00:13:00.83
Did you go inside
let's talk, let's-
00:13:00.86\00:13:03.71
Well, as with good
traditional family issues,
00:13:03.74\00:13:06.52
I started out with
some trivial thing.
00:13:06.55\00:13:08.48
I think we were
moving stuff around
00:13:08.51\00:13:10.38
and I got to be a little
bit of verbal argument about
00:13:10.41\00:13:13.24
well I use, I
should move it this way
00:13:13.27\00:13:15.20
or put it in this particular
position whatever it was
00:13:15.23\00:13:18.61
and it ended up in a
pretty severe verbal battle
00:13:18.64\00:13:21.11
and of course every time
my dad and I got into it,
00:13:21.14\00:13:24.73
all this I want to use
the C word all this junk.
00:13:24.76\00:13:29.04
It would come like a
volcano I mean it could be,
00:13:29.07\00:13:32.39
I don't like that glass of water
00:13:32.42\00:13:33.93
on the table over there
and give it 15, 20 minutes
00:13:33.96\00:13:36.88
and it will turn into a mess
00:13:36.91\00:13:39.29
that had all this
garbage in it from the past
00:13:39.32\00:13:42.04
'cause it was all never dealt
with at all, not even close.
00:13:42.07\00:13:44.10
You know what?
00:13:44.13\00:13:45.16
When somebody says
that and I heard some
00:13:45.19\00:13:49.43
as psychologists talk
about you know that we all have
00:13:49.46\00:13:52.30
almost a file
cabinet within our heart,
00:13:52.33\00:13:55.41
within our soul and every time
00:13:55.44\00:13:57.43
we've get offended or
every time we get angry,
00:13:57.46\00:13:59.53
every time we have
something unresolved,
00:13:59.56\00:14:01.23
we'd just put the
file in the right place
00:14:01.26\00:14:03.58
and file it in that
cabinet, then something happens
00:14:03.61\00:14:06.31
and every
single paper flies out.
00:14:06.34\00:14:08.65
So it's like what happened
00:14:08.68\00:14:10.05
because it was just
about the glass, wasn't it?
00:14:10.08\00:14:12.67
Well, no it was
years in using the stuff
00:14:12.70\00:14:14.60
and you says you said
00:14:14.63\00:14:15.67
and that in your
home that happened a lot.
00:14:15.70\00:14:17.66
This particular day it happened.
00:14:17.69\00:14:20.01
It happened and I did something
00:14:20.04\00:14:24.42
I thought I would never do,
and that was I went back home
00:14:24.45\00:14:27.29
and lived for three
months so never leave at home--
00:14:27.32\00:14:30.12
I love my mom and dad dearly.
00:14:30.15\00:14:32.85
But as an adult to hear
that kind of abuse its hard.
00:14:32.88\00:14:36.06
Yeah.
00:14:36.09\00:14:37.54
So my dad and I got into
it and I-- it turned into--
00:14:37.57\00:14:43.84
I think I really
had a nerves break down
00:14:43.87\00:14:45.71
because at some point
after a 30 or 45 minutes
00:14:45.74\00:14:49.26
of just circling stuff
around he won't let stuff go
00:14:49.29\00:14:52.85
and I you know bare
my streak of stubbornness
00:14:52.88\00:14:55.38
well, I just lost it
00:14:55.41\00:14:59.40
and I started
screaming on my dad.
00:14:59.43\00:15:01.32
And I screamed at my
dad is I recall nonstop.
00:15:01.35\00:15:04.25
I mean, I was even
still moving around the house
00:15:04.28\00:15:06.42
and helping them
move from their apartment
00:15:06.45\00:15:09.55
where they living into the house
00:15:09.58\00:15:10.93
that they had just recently got
00:15:10.96\00:15:12.92
and I am screaming as
a loud as I can scream
00:15:12.95\00:15:15.65
which is you know I
talk kind of normally talker
00:15:15.68\00:15:18.14
but I am screaming
at the top of my lungs
00:15:18.17\00:15:20.67
and just all kinds
of stuff is coming out
00:15:20.70\00:15:22.69
including some good stuff.
00:15:22.72\00:15:25.82
I mean, some
stuff that makes sense.
00:15:25.85\00:15:27.92
But I am just yelling at him,
00:15:27.95\00:15:29.60
screaming at him at
the top of my lungs.
00:15:29.63\00:15:31.05
We drive as 20
minutes in the sour spring
00:15:31.08\00:15:32.97
and then I was back
again and back and forth
00:15:33.00\00:15:35.25
and I am screaming at him.
00:15:35.28\00:15:36.43
I'd say for a
couple three hours nonstop.
00:15:36.46\00:15:39.58
You could not stop. I lost it.
00:15:39.61\00:15:41.80
Now my brother was there
and we came into the house
00:15:41.83\00:15:44.55
and I was still
gone I think pretty much
00:15:44.58\00:15:49.85
and I actually
maybe the only time
00:15:49.88\00:15:52.69
but for sure we wanted two times
00:15:52.72\00:15:54.20
and I actually
thought about taking my life.
00:15:54.23\00:15:57.08
And it wasn't all I am so sad
00:15:57.11\00:15:58.71
and it wasn't any like
that I was just freaking mad.
00:15:58.74\00:16:03.65
And I wanted to kill somebody
and I can't kill you so--
00:16:03.68\00:16:05.43
Somebody is got to die.
00:16:05.46\00:16:07.14
Somebody got die and I
killed two birds with one stone.
00:16:07.17\00:16:09.90
I get to kill somebody
00:16:09.93\00:16:11.53
and you have to
pay for my surviving it
00:16:11.56\00:16:14.07
and they live on a
high rise apartment complex
00:16:14.10\00:16:17.52
and they are way at the top
00:16:17.55\00:16:18.88
and I am walking
at the sliding door.
00:16:18.91\00:16:22.10
I'm just gonna dive up.
00:16:22.13\00:16:23.17
And I am taking my fist
on the wall behind there
00:16:23.20\00:16:26.21
is this
temperature, a thermostat
00:16:26.24\00:16:29.26
and I am just
hammering this thermostat
00:16:29.29\00:16:30.99
with the back my
fist just like this
00:16:31.02\00:16:32.52
over and over
again screaming at my dad
00:16:32.55\00:16:34.54
who was sitting
over in that direction
00:16:34.57\00:16:37.00
and my brother, my
second to the youngest brother
00:16:37.03\00:16:39.69
is standing or kind of
kneeling next to my dad
00:16:39.72\00:16:43.81
and all I remember
and that is my brothers
00:16:43.84\00:16:45.93
kind of talking
softly to my father
00:16:45.96\00:16:48.38
and I heard him at one
point say, look at him.
00:16:48.41\00:16:52.14
This is my
brother telling my dad
00:16:52.17\00:16:53.87
to look at me, he needs you.
00:16:53.90\00:16:56.78
And so it's hard not to get
chocked outside like that but--
00:16:56.81\00:17:02.99
It's hardened for me
not to get chocked up
00:17:03.02\00:17:04.73
and I wasn't even there.
00:17:04.76\00:17:06.41
You know, its just in
that moment I just began
00:17:06.44\00:17:09.43
and it was a long
time coming down from that
00:17:09.46\00:17:12.19
and even longer
getting my voice back
00:17:12.22\00:17:14.63
because by then I think
it was just worst bringing
00:17:14.66\00:17:16.30
and I was still screaming
at the top of my lungs.
00:17:16.33\00:17:20.06
And it was-- I think
hearing my younger brother say
00:17:20.09\00:17:24.09
that was it did something
spiritually in the room
00:17:24.12\00:17:29.07
because literally the color of
the room changed at that point
00:17:29.10\00:17:32.79
and things began to take a turn.
00:17:32.82\00:17:37.72
So to answer your question
that was the turning point,
00:17:37.75\00:17:40.47
that was the day and it
was literally a whip around.
00:17:40.50\00:17:43.78
And remember I went into
it on faith and faith alone.
00:17:43.81\00:17:47.23
I had-- I was sure I
was gonna change my dad
00:17:47.26\00:17:49.69
and I am still sure of that.
00:17:49.72\00:17:52.12
But I knew I could
because my dad does strive
00:17:52.15\00:17:54.87
to allow God in the
best way he possibly can
00:17:54.90\00:17:57.08
and who knows what
brain damage now he has
00:17:57.11\00:18:00.37
that he his carry with him
from his childhood as well.
00:18:00.40\00:18:05.41
Not's the true
that's the really big truth.
00:18:05.44\00:18:06.77
Oh, it's so true, it's just so--
00:18:06.80\00:18:08.97
We walk away
generation after generation
00:18:09.00\00:18:11.14
after generation
into somebody says
00:18:11.17\00:18:13.51
you know what it stops here
it cannot continue from here.
00:18:13.54\00:18:17.14
Right, that's right and I guess
00:18:17.17\00:18:21.07
you know in my family
00:18:21.10\00:18:22.15
I was called be that
stopping point and that--
00:18:22.18\00:18:24.99
So let me just say with your dad
00:18:25.02\00:18:27.37
you have that
moment totally now down,
00:18:27.40\00:18:30.67
totally losing control.
00:18:30.70\00:18:33.53
God getting both your
attention with that statement
00:18:33.56\00:18:37.63
as He needs you, so
a little bit a change
00:18:37.66\00:18:40.66
starts to happen
seeps in that relationship
00:18:40.69\00:18:44.32
and what about your mom?
00:18:44.35\00:18:46.17
Because a whole time
00:18:46.20\00:18:47.24
she is probably
trying to fix something.
00:18:47.27\00:18:50.20
She-- when my dad and I
used to get into it like that
00:18:50.23\00:18:53.97
or anything even close to that
00:18:54.00\00:18:55.75
mom would hang around for a bit
00:18:55.78\00:18:57.22
but she kind of had
some sort of symptom
00:18:57.25\00:18:59.75
that she will look
for, some sort of gauge
00:18:59.78\00:19:02.63
where it would
go and she would say
00:19:02.66\00:19:04.07
if you guys don't cool
it I'm calling the cops
00:19:04.10\00:19:06.07
and then she would
remove herself from the area.
00:19:06.10\00:19:09.37
And I think that kind
have happened in this case
00:19:09.40\00:19:12.42
because it was pretty much just
my dad and I spending the day.
00:19:12.45\00:19:14.61
I think everybody in my
family realize something life
00:19:14.64\00:19:17.88
is was someway inevitable
knowing my dad and knowing me.
00:19:17.91\00:19:22.99
Unfortunately I think it
was gonna have to happen.
00:19:23.02\00:19:26.39
I don't really
advocate, I'm and not saying
00:19:26.42\00:19:28.05
this is a template
that anybody should follow.
00:19:28.08\00:19:31.24
It was a horrible
experience I mean, really
00:19:31.27\00:19:35.20
and but it did open the door,
00:19:35.23\00:19:38.29
you know, and this
was the important thing.
00:19:38.32\00:19:40.14
It opened the door to a
relationship with my dad.
00:19:40.17\00:19:42.52
And why was that important?
00:19:42.55\00:19:43.81
Well, other than
hopefully the obvious really
00:19:43.84\00:19:46.89
I felt that the Holy
Spirit it called me at that--
00:19:46.92\00:19:50.18
and this was a
like a long calling.
00:19:50.21\00:19:51.59
It was after I
got out of the college
00:19:51.62\00:19:52.88
and I am wondering
okay, I got a degree
00:19:52.91\00:19:54.36
and now what, you know.
00:19:54.39\00:19:55.83
I was in that frame of mind
00:19:55.86\00:19:57.29
and really it
wasn't-- it just dawned on me.
00:19:57.32\00:20:00.36
You need to get in a
relationship with your father
00:20:00.39\00:20:02.58
and I certainly on
my own never would of--
00:20:02.61\00:20:04.80
I would have continued to go
00:20:04.83\00:20:06.16
through my whole
life even loving God
00:20:06.19\00:20:08.56
and everything
sincerely protecting myself
00:20:08.59\00:20:11.01
emotionally from my father.
00:20:11.04\00:20:12.70
And you know because we
work with adverse people
00:20:12.73\00:20:15.91
all over the world
there's so many people
00:20:15.94\00:20:18.10
that are gonna
hear this and get it.
00:20:18.13\00:20:19.71
You know, that do I
reconcile with this craziness?
00:20:19.74\00:20:25.18
You know, I don't
even know have to change it
00:20:25.21\00:20:26.77
and the other person I
am looking at has no clue
00:20:26.80\00:20:29.71
that there as damages
they are and you're asking me
00:20:29.74\00:20:32.89
to move back
into the relationship,
00:20:32.92\00:20:34.18
how do we do that?
00:20:34.21\00:20:35.24
But in faith what
you saying is that crisis
00:20:35.27\00:20:38.80
I am started that for you,
started that journey for you.
00:20:38.83\00:20:42.55
Yes, all that.
00:20:42.58\00:20:43.61
And during you
wish you could say
00:20:43.64\00:20:44.84
and the next day
dad was so different.
00:20:44.87\00:20:48.57
You know we wish
you could say that
00:20:48.60\00:20:49.82
but that's not what
happen is this the next day
00:20:49.85\00:20:52.25
you were little different.
00:20:52.28\00:20:54.23
The next day when I could
talk again later in that evening
00:20:54.26\00:20:57.59
my dad was down in
his study and I walked on
00:20:57.62\00:21:01.11
and I put my hand
on my dad shoulder
00:21:01.14\00:21:03.56
and I looked at
him and I say dad,
00:21:03.59\00:21:05.46
let's just bury the hatchet.
00:21:05.49\00:21:07.43
And my dad said I
can bold on my shoulder
00:21:07.46\00:21:09.58
for about five minutes
00:21:09.61\00:21:11.59
and he said this is what he said
00:21:11.62\00:21:14.14
if can say it
without bothering myself
00:21:14.17\00:21:16.34
because I wasn't bothering down
00:21:16.37\00:21:17.55
I mean in my heart was
pretty steely after all that.
00:21:17.58\00:21:20.98
But I realize I was being
00:21:21.01\00:21:22.12
let alternately
thank God, by God
00:21:22.15\00:21:24.27
and I just thought
let's bury the hatchet
00:21:24.30\00:21:26.48
and he stood up and he
said you truly are a man of God.
00:21:26.51\00:21:30.19
That's what he
said and I thought well,
00:21:30.22\00:21:31.50
that providential right there.
00:21:31.53\00:21:34.01
Amen.
00:21:34.04\00:21:35.55
So, because well--
00:21:35.58\00:21:37.88
So you say with dad
and you said your mom
00:21:37.91\00:21:40.85
tended to kind of just
wait until, you know, whatever
00:21:40.88\00:21:44.84
and I'll call the
police if it doesn't calm down.
00:21:44.87\00:21:48.24
But would-- did
she ever start to say
00:21:48.27\00:21:53.55
you know let's get healthy,
00:21:53.58\00:21:54.69
let's kind of heal,
let's talk about this,
00:21:54.72\00:21:58.25
let's do whatever would--
00:21:58.28\00:21:59.58
because I getting kind
of a picture of your dad
00:21:59.61\00:22:01.74
and even of his childhood
I get somewhat of a picture
00:22:01.77\00:22:05.08
but your mom I don't get
any sense of who she was.
00:22:05.11\00:22:08.74
That's interesting.
00:22:08.77\00:22:12.49
My mom I think is
and was an enabler
00:22:12.52\00:22:20.49
to my fathers stuff.
00:22:20.52\00:22:23.90
So explain to the
people that have no idea
00:22:23.93\00:22:25.95
what enabling
means, what is that mean?
00:22:25.98\00:22:29.19
Well, to me it
means that rather than do
00:22:29.22\00:22:33.31
what you just describe,
rather than take one person
00:22:33.34\00:22:36.59
or the other or
calling outside help
00:22:36.62\00:22:40.07
not only to save the moment
but also to fix the problem
00:22:40.10\00:22:46.80
because my mom loves
her family, her children
00:22:46.83\00:22:49.58
and she wants things workout.
00:22:49.61\00:22:52.47
She doesn't do that.
00:22:52.50\00:22:54.95
She-- her first duty
is to protect her husband
00:22:54.98\00:22:57.81
this is my
perception of my mother
00:22:57.84\00:22:59.96
and in doing that when
there is bad stuff going on
00:22:59.99\00:23:02.62
when you protect
somebody in their long doing
00:23:02.65\00:23:07.73
you're enabling.
00:23:07.76\00:23:09.52
And nothing changes?
00:23:09.55\00:23:10.82
And nothing changes
00:23:10.85\00:23:11.88
and usually
gets worse over time.
00:23:11.91\00:23:13.30
Lot of times with enabling
I am just been able to say,
00:23:13.33\00:23:16.77
okay, come on, stop
let's go eat, its time to eat.
00:23:16.80\00:23:20.51
And the table is set
perfectly and everybody sits
00:23:20.54\00:23:23.24
and we just had this incredible
storm that just went through
00:23:23.27\00:23:25.95
and nobody talks
about this storm.
00:23:25.98\00:23:27.90
You know, they talk what
the elephant in the living
00:23:27.93\00:23:29.61
and nobody talks
about the elephant,
00:23:29.64\00:23:31.08
nobody talks about the anger
00:23:31.11\00:23:33.30
and yet everybody
now is dressed properly
00:23:33.33\00:23:36.56
is saying
grace, the day goes on.
00:23:36.59\00:23:40.23
We are gonna go
ahead and take a break
00:23:40.26\00:23:41.72
because to me the
most important thing
00:23:41.75\00:23:45.44
about any of this,
the most important thing
00:23:45.47\00:23:48.43
about realize and
where we've come from
00:23:48.46\00:23:50.14
and where we
kind of get our anger
00:23:50.17\00:23:53.46
and our junk from is that
what do we do with it next?
00:23:53.49\00:23:56.75
What is that look like
next especially in Ralph's life.
00:23:56.78\00:23:59.59
And stay with us because man,
00:23:59.62\00:24:02.38
its not an easy journey
to know that in your toolkit
00:24:02.41\00:24:06.27
I have this in my toolkit
00:24:06.30\00:24:07.68
I don't have a lot
of things to pull from
00:24:07.71\00:24:09.81
and God has to teach me.
00:24:09.84\00:24:11.68
And so man, we're gonna
explore that when you come back.
00:24:11.71\00:24:14.42